St. Crispins Triumph OVER Pope Innocent: OR THE Monks and Fryers Routed. A Tragi-Comedy, As it was lately Acted with great Noise at Dantzick in Poland by the Reforming Shoemakers, and other Retainers to St. Hugh.
Wherein it is Infallibly demonstrated, that they who wone, had the best on't; and that since People will not be so wise to pluck out their Eyes, and turn Papists, the most effectual and speedy way to convert Soul and Body together, is by Strangling, Murther, Fire and Gunpowder.
Licensed November 2d 1678.
Printed at Primrose-Hill for the special Edification of those New Miracle-Mongers, who would perswade us, that after a man has been Strangled and Murthered, he can yet walk a Mile, and run himself through with his own Sword. Octob. 17. 1678.
St. CRISPINS TRIUMPH OVER POPE INNOCENT; OR THE Monks and Fryers Routed, &c.
1.
HEre's pretty Sport for Hereticks, I swear,
Romes golden Calves at Dantzick turn'd to Grafs
Their Holy Trinkets they in pieces tear,
And Goodman Pax's translated to an Ass.
Another wonder's added to their Church,
The Fryers left their Puppet Saints i'th' Lurch.
2.
Rude Hugenots, how durst you be so bold
To lay your hands upon such holy things,
You'l certainly be curs'd by Young and Old.
Hark how the clapper of their Bull-bell rings,
To break the Necks of Saints, are mortal sins,
Not to be pardoned had you broke their shins.
3.
This brisk Attempt hath turn'd their Even-song,
And Ave Maries into doleful Dirges,
Who without doubt will hang themselves e're long,
At least do Penance on their backs with Scourges,
For suffering their gods, those silly Elves,
To be destroy'd, that could not save themselves.
4.
The Suckling-bottle of the Virgins Milk,
So long preserved for those Babes of Grace,
Thick crumb'd with breaden god, is broke and spilt,
And waxen Thumbs the Crucifix deface;
Their Angels also which then went to Pot,
Hath quite undone their Miracles god wot.
5.
But you the Offspring of St. Crispins Race,
How fell ye out, since both Sole-menders are,
For Gentle Craft the Relicts to deface;
Suppose St. Hugh had with his Boots been there,
VVould you ingage him so in stormy weather,
To tear the Sole from off the upper Leather.
6.
You rather ought have brought your Awls and Ends,
And sticht together what you found awry,
Or par'd'um gently on your Last like Friends
And Loyal Coblers to their Monastry;
And so perhaps you would, had they been ought,
You were forc'd to Vamp them, cause their Souls were naught.
7.
Troth like enough, good cause to think 'um so,
Romes Emissaries round the world do Roam,
To every Court in Christendom they go,
Make mischiefs there, then send advices home;
Corrupting Counsels, and dividing States,
And Fly-blow Maggots in the peoples Pates.
8.
This they effect by divers ways and Forms,
To day a Courtier, to morrow clad in Leather,
His Lordships Chaplain, or a Man in Arms;
A Merchant next, a Tradesman, all or either,
A Zealot now, and then a Hector, he's
The Devil and all, there's nothing comes amiss.
9.
Swear and Forswear, take any Obligation,
Rail at their Church, and ban his Holiness name,
Betray their Fathers; they have Dispensation
For Murther, Stabbing, Fry ye in a Flame,
Any way Conquer for their Churches good,
'Cause best it thrives when deepest set in blood.
10.
These are the Tenents of those Saints of Rome,
Or Monsters rather, Fire-brands of Hell,
The very Pests and Plagues of Christendome,
As sad Experience to the world doth tell,
By whose Accursed hands more Christians dy'd,
Then have by Turks or Infidels beside.
11.
And shall this Viperous brood delude us still,
Under pretence of Zeal and Piety,
VVhose Hellish aim is Christian blood to spill,
And force the way for their Idolatry;
Their Avarice doth squeez the peoples Veins
As dry as Kexes where their Power Reigns.
12.
They have Indulgence for the worst of sins,
Or more or less, past, present, or to come,
They'l Pardons sell, as Pedlers do their Pins;
Barter for Heaven, if you'l but pay the sum;
For ready Money they can do the Trick,
But have no more to do there than Old Nick.
13.
This may Amaze, that men of common sence
[...] besotted to their Fooleries,
[...], Bulls, their Legends, Peter pence
[...] Cheat, and Errant Rogueries;
[...] but Lies and Blasphemies they are,
[...] serve as Pimps and Bauds to Peters Chair.
14.
This they of Dantzick wisely did foreknow,
And with a Resolution stout and bold
Engag'd the Lubbers 'midst their Foppish Show,
As they of Swe [...]dland served them of old;
Whos cutting Laws are such Afflicting ones,
[...]hey send Romes Stallions home without their Stones.
15.
Then hast ye Juglers, Popish Priests be gone,
For if again you should the People Vex,
Your Puppet-plays will cause them (ten to one)
Instead of broken Pates, to break your Necks;
And unto Hell or Purgatory send ye,
From whence the Poles nor Planets can defend ye.
Conclusion.
VVhen this they heard, they durst no longer stay,
Pickt up their broken Tools and ran away,
But left their Prayers behind them at Allhallows,
And cause 'tis worth your Reading, here it follows.
The Humble Supplication of the Monks and Fryers to St. Dominick their Patron, upon their Routing by the Shoemakers at Dantzick,
HOly Patron Dominick,
We invoke thee Damn Dantzick,
Plague them sorely, we do woe thee,
Let not Belzebub outdo thee;
Taw the Soles of Leathern Sinners,
That did spoyl our Sport and Dinners;
They confounding all our Trumpery,
Made us Dine with old D. Humphry;
Starving so our Hungry Paunches,
Thy Cheek's thicker than our Haunches;
Pinched harder by our Foes,
Than Dunstan did the Devils Nose;
They so with blows our Sides inviron,
Our Ribs appear like a Gridiron;
Falling first upon our Bones,
And next we fear 'twill be our St—
Which if lost, the Chasest Nun,
Is for ever quite undone,
And we fear will do the Trick
With our Foe the Heretick;
For the Holy Maid of Kent,
And Pope Joan too have been shent;
Venial Sins with good intent,
That's well done, that is well meant;
Thus unerring Church is true,
Natures course must have its due.
But what's this unto our purpose,
Or the loss of Hood and Surplice;
If Saint Dominick can't do't,
Let's intreat the Devil to't,
And his Holiness to boot.
For we hate this damned dodging,
We'l to Rome unto their Lodging,
Where we certain find 'um can,
In the Stews or Vatican;
And our Augury to us shows,
Being told by Francis Crows,
Drinking Martyrs Blood for Wine
They together were to Dine,
Tended on by Bellarmine.
Coming thither, there they found 'um
With the Cardinals around 'um;
Where they were to stay a Sennight,
Shearing Hogs for good St. Bennet:
Some o'th' Saints heard the grunting,
Said the Devil Rid a Hunting;
Others Swore 'twas no such meeting,
But the Pope and Devil greeting;
Met in kindness to each other,
To take care of Holy Mother;
And resolving on a Dance,
Sent away a Post for France,
To invite their dearest Son,
Who much of their Work had done;
Unto which they both agreed,
Vow'd it was as true as Creed,
He had been their trusty Steed.
Monsieur mounted, on he joggs
Through the Scotch and Irish boggs,
Cursing of the English Cloggs;
For he neither thought or meant,
To tugg with King and Parliament,
Who had spoyl'd His Blest Intent.
Being met, no Tongue can utter,
How they quaft and fed at Supper
On a Tub of Dutchmens Butter.
Now let us our Plaint renew,
And unto their Lordships shew,
How we sped in our Adventure,
They may Ram 'um to the Center;
For the Saints we long have Pray'd to
Are asleep, or hardly laid to.
Then began an old Rascallion,
Either Spaniard or Italian,
And so like a Ragamuffin,
You'd have Sworn 'twas a Capuchin.
Father Pope, and Father Devil,
And you the most Unchristian Evil;
Wrong the Right, we have sustain'd,
Wherein we were justly maim'd;
They in spight of Sobietski,
Mar'd the tools your Worships get by,
Made on purpose to pick Pockets,
Theivs are Saints disguis'd in Rockets;
Therefore, if you do not help us,
Ye are Puppies, and be whelp us;
But old Cressy had the Knack,
To outdo the rest o'th' Pack
In Relating of a Mystery,
Hellish Lies in Churches History;
And by adding somewhat more
Unto what was said before,
Made the Devil stamp and stare,
Pope fall backward in his Chair,
But upon the point to go,
Monsieur caught him by the Toe,
And did promise with his Allies,
All the Forces up to Rally;
Would ingage their Church to further
By unheard of Rapes and Murther;
Only Pray'd the Popes direction,
And his Devilships Protection.
This when said, did please 'um well,
So they took a turn to Hell,
To debate it at their leisure,
Whence the Monsieur takes his measure,
And i'th' interim is providing
For to do the Trick by Bribing.
Now perhaps some Criticks saying,
This is not the Form of Praying,
And like Fools against it chatter,
Not acquainted with our Matter;
For when Folks ingage by'th' ears,
Cursing goes instead of Prayers;
Or to Rail and Swear at Fortune,
Is as good as Praying certain;
But whatever may befal it,
True it is, what e're you call it;
And from what the Rogues intend us,
Oh Almighty God defend us.
FINIS.