THE New Athenian COMEDY, CONTAINING The Politicks, Oeconomicks, Tacticks, Crypticks, Apocalypticks, Stypticks, Scepticks, Pneumaticks, Theologicks, Poeticks, Mathematicks, Sophisticks, Pragmaticks, Dogmaticks, &c.
Of that most Learned Society.
LONDON, Printed for Campanella Restio, next Door to the Apollo, near the Temple, 1693.
TO Edw. Wilson Esq
THE Character and Figure You bear in the World, has so markt You out for Sufferings of this Kind, that I beseech you to take it as a Persecution You were born to. 'Tis enough You attract all Eyes, and fix an Universal Veneration, and have so far got the start of the rest of the generous Persuers of Your own fair Chace of Honour, that (tho without a Title) I may truly say this of You, that You carry the Renown and Grandeur of an English Gentleman, to that uncommon Height, that Nobility itself should it set out with You, would be thrown out of the Race and lag behind You. Nor has Your Port and Bravery more dazled, than your Justice and Goodness indear'd, and the Sweetness of your Temper and Conversation charm'd; insomuch, that, betwixt such various Objects of our equal Admiration, you have even reconciled at once the▪ Envy and the Love of Mankind. You are so much Master of a truly noble Genius, that you have all the Glory of a Second Timon, without the Follies and Vanities of the First. And indeed You challenge those United Graces of Gallantry, that like Heaven's fairest Union, Light and Heat, warm where they shine.
But Providence pours not such Golden Showres at random; so vast the Difference betwixt the Gifts and the Rewards [Page]of Heaven; and 'tis possibly Your own peculiar fairest Glory to deserve first, and then possess. For above all You have that noblest Foundation of Honour, Virtue; a Flower not always so ripe in so young a Garden; that serious and solid Mass of Morals and Principle, that Your Affluence of Worldly Blessings have not smiled more kindly round You, than that has enricht you within; insomuch that You have, at least, this Advantage of the Great complaining Alexander,
All see my Spots, but few my Brightness take.
that on the contrary you give the World a sufficient View of the last▪ without any Allay or Cloud from the first.
But after Your Pardon first beg'd for this Boldness. I ought to tell the World, that I make not this Address under the Name of a Dedication: Some worthier Product, and fairer Volume may cover that Honour. No, Sir, this poor Trifle is only thrown into Your Hands en passant; and the only encouragement for this Presumption is, that I consider that he that presents but a Rose bud may express as much Zeal, as he that offers a Garland, which is the best Apology for,
THE PREFACE TO THE READER.
THE Honourable and Learned Athenians (Epithetes how justly their due, the following Heraldry will a little blazon) have so long and so highly obobliged the World, that with a natural and so far pardonable Pride, that commonly attends the Glory of Well-doing, they seem resolved to continue there more than Saturnine Progress, in that unfinisht Circle, as shall last to the Great Platonick. And if praestat nihili quam nihil agere may make a Gem in their Coronet, the great Indefessus agendo, is truly the Athenian peculiar Prerogative.
But not to light a Candle at noon day, and play the Panegyrist on the Athenian Learning, already so known and so conspicuous, 'tis not the Apollinary Arts, but the Apolloes themselves the Arts-masters we are to search for; the Phoebi in nubibus, that have thus long tun'd their Lyres for the Titillation of Mortals, so ravishing the Musick, and yet so invisible the hands that play it. Ay my Master's invisible indeed. But whatever Shamefacedness, or to shorten the word whatever Athenian Shame has denied Mankind the Favoar of that Discovery, 'tis pity the world should be so vastly indebted, and know not where to pay their Acknowledgments. For really in this wiser Age it [Page]looks so ungratefully to build Altars to the Unknown, that nothing possibly can be of more public service than to direct the hitherto wandring popular Devotion, no longer random'd, but levell'd at so fair a Mark.
'Tis true our generous Athenians have lately vouchsafed to give us some small Lineaments of theirs in Miniature, in a Sculp before their Young Students Library. But there alas, they are pleased to wrap their Faces in Mosaic Veils, very magisterially intimating that they are Persons that daily converse so near with Divinity, that their shining Faces are too dazling for humane View, and therefore no less kindly than modestly, thus like Bays his Morning pictur'd in a Cloud. I confess Mr. Engraver has made a pretty Jolly Company of 'em: but there indeed the Painter is a little too poetical; and our Athenians have a little strain'd a point: For when the true Muster Roll of that not overnumerous Society shall be examined, for supply of that defect, you must consider that the Veil'd Faces are by way of [...]aggots to fill up the Troop: And in that fair Convention of divine Enthusiasts you must not take 'em all for the Boanerges of Wit, the Organs of Thunder, but like Guns in a Fireship, a Tire of painted wooden Tools to make up the Show.
However, no disparagement, the fewer the Hands, the harder the Labor, and consequently the greater the Honor, the Illustration of which Honor is the subject of our present Entertainment.
Dramatis Personae
- Obadiah Grub, Divinity and Poetry Professor of the Society.
- Jerry Squirt, Casuist and Physician in Ordinary.
- Joachim Dash, Mathentatician.
- Jack Stuff, a subtile, ingenious, half Author, hall Bookseller.
- Darby Fetlock, an Ʋnder Turnkey of Newgate.
- Dorothy Tickleteat, an Islington Milkmaid.
- Mr. Freeman Two worthy Gentlemen of the Town.
- Mr. Hardy Two worthy Gentlemen of the Town.
- Poll, the Coffee-man.
- Brush, his Man.
Scene, S — Coffee-house, Stocks-market.
The Prologue.
ACT. I.
The SCENE, an Ʋpper Coffee-Room.
OH Gentlemen if you love me, I must beg one favour of you.
What's that, honest Friend?
Only that you'd kindly please to withdraw into another Room.
Withdraw! for what?
Oh Sir, the Society, the Society—
What the Devil does he mean?
The Athenian Society Gentlemen —
Oh! the Athenians!
They are just now come to sit, and this is their Sessions Room.
This! What is the man mad? Mercers Chappel or Gresham Colledge thou wou'dst say.
No, nor Gotham Colledge neither. I tell you this very Room Gentlemen, and they are just now coming.
Ouns, man, this Room won't hold ten people; and what dost thou talk of the whole Athenian Society?
Why, how many do you take 'em to be?
Marry! A brace of scores I suppose.
A brace of scores quoth a! when I din'd 'em all yesterday with a groats worth of Ox-cheek.
How man! Have they Camelion stomachs then?
No, nor Cannibal ones neither. But what wou'd you have three men eat?
Three! How no more of 'em?
Ay, and a jolly Company too; more by half than the Revenue [Page 2]will maintain. But pray Gentlemen favour me with the Room.
Fair and softly, good Landlord. If this wonderful Athenian Senate is no more than a poor Triumvirate, pray let's know who these Learned Sparks are?
Lord Sir! to stay to tell stories—
No grumbling; we must have their Genealogies and Histories too before we stir a foot.
If you must then!— Well, the first, the Chair-man, to speak in the vulgar phrase, is a Country Parson, by birth a Grubstreetonian, in his Sacerdotal Capacity a Lincolnshire Sermonian; but at present strol'd and eloped from his Canonical drudgery, and translated to an Athenian Heliconian; in plain! English the Poetry and Divinity Professor of the Society. To summ up his glory,
What a sublime Spirit of Coffee is here!
The second a Doctor of Physick—
How, a Doctor!
Yes, and as illustrious a one as ever put Bill to Post whose Right famous Renown▪ shall never dye, as long as his Immortal Tetrachymagogon lives.
That doughty Virtuoso! That individual puissant Operator! Nay thou hast hit of a Doctor, in the name of Aesculapius.
Well, Landlord, to the third: What sort of a Quack is he?
Quack! have a care what you say: I'd have you to know he scorns your words; he's neither Quack nor Physician.
But a Politician!
Politician! no Sir, a Mathematician.
Oh, a Mathematician!
But pray Gentlemen let me entreat you —
Yes, thou hast▪ won the field. The Room is thine;
Mr. Stuff, before the House sits call over the Roll.
I shall Sir. Obadiah Grub.
Here.
Jerry Squirt.
Here.
Jo. Dash.
Here.
A whole House Gentlemen; not a member wanting.
Right; a full Sessions.
Now Brother Athenians, to the great business of the day; I have a learned proposition —
Hold Sir, no speaking before Mr. Chair-man is seated.
And now Mr. Squirt, as our Royal Brother of Brentford says,
Gentlemen before you fall upon business, d'ye see, and debate as Athenians, d'ye see, give me leave to thrust in a word as a head venturer amongst you, d'ye see; I desire your Reverences to consider 'tis not long since you had your mouths stopt, d'ye see.
Our Mercury silenced you mean.
And it cost me near thirty Guineas for a Golden Court-key to unlock 'em agen, d'ye see: 'Tis trus, I got a kind of a Patent by it, and set up our Society a compleat Corporation, with a full promise of suppressing all Interlopers, whether Lord or Lady Mercuries, &c. and so the Money was not ill laid out. However I must desire you to consider seriously that a poor Impression of 35 single quires of Mercuries, and above half of them Return'd, d'ye see, will be a long time a raising of that summ; and therefore you must not take it ill if I pinch Commons a little, and retrench superfluities, till I retrieve that loss, d'ye see.
Look you Sir, we are considering men, as you say, and acquiesce to your great Reason.
Yes Mr. Stuff, all we can pinch we will. But this by the way you must consider too, That the great Motto of our Society is
And therefore, sweet Sir, you must strain as far as e're you can to cherish and envigorate the drooping Spirit of Athens in your ever obsequious and laborious Drudges and Vassals.
Well Gentlemen▪ I stand corrected, and shall stretch my utmost ability to carry on the Cause.
Who's that knocks so unmannerly at the door? Lord, what [Page 4]Impudence is this World made of? Poll, go look out and see what rude fellow's that.
If he has business of moment, admit him.
I shall Sir.
But hold; one clause more in your Commission. Admit him, but first correct his sawciness.
Nay Brother, this grievance is intolerable: For my part, I know no reason why this August Assembly should not be treated with all the respect due to a Council-Chamber.
Right Brother; and have the attending Petitioners scrape, not knock for Admittance.
There I agree with you both. 'Tis my Vote therefore that our Order be immediately issued forth for due observation accordingly.
The Gentleman that spoke last has advised well, and has my Vote of Concurrence.
And mine. Therefore Resolved Nomine Contradicente.
'Tis well you have acknowledged your offence: But for this first fault your submission shall be accepted. But see that you mend your manners by way of Atonement.
Lord, are they such great folks then? — Well, I am resolv'd to rummage my Perecrany and rattle my Brains together for a Learned Speech to accost their High and Mightynesses.
Well friend, who are you?
I am, and shall please your Learned Profundity, by occupation a Sub-warden to the right famous Colledge in Blow-bladder Precinct, and by my present Commission a small Envoy, from a long Student and Graduate in that Honourable Society, who humbly offers to your Athenian discussion this weighty Interrogatory, as you'll find in the within contents.
From a Recluse in that Honourable Cell. A Student and Graduate too, says he!
A Brother Collegiate, a Bird (pardon the humility of the phrase) of our own Feather; a Professor, no doubt, of the Mercurial Arts and Sciences.
Right Brother; and as a person thus dignified and distinguisht (to use my own Orthodox Dialect) 'twill be but breeding and good manners, as a natural Respect from one Learned Society to another, to treat this worthy Interrogater with all suitable Devoirs and Civility.
Right worthily proposed.
And therefore friend, as to your affair before us, we acknowledge your Credentials, and accept your Embassy. Return then to your Master, and assure him that his Negotiation shall be answer'd with all Application and Dispatch, both to our own glory and his full satisfaction. And withal, return the best Respects and Esteem of this Honourable Society to himself and the rest of his Brethren Students and Cloysterers, our ever-valued Colleagues and Allies.
Right worthy Sir, I shall deliver him your Commands, and am farther commission'd to tell your Honours, That for your high favour in unnoosing this knot for him, if ever he gets his Snow-hill Doublet off his back, without taking his leave in a Paddington Collar; or to speak plainer in our own Colledge language: if he has but the honour of riding off Right-hand-man of the Independant Troop, he is resolved to make you his personal acknowledgment for this signal obligation.
Now Brother, let us read and peruse. Opens the Letter.
Reads. Most Learned and most Honoured Athenians,
YOur so well known, and no less admired, and (to add one Epithete more) your ever resounding Worth and Merit, has incouraged my present Address, in beseaching your ingenious solution of the Question subseribed, Your gracious grant whereof will eternally oblige
Most Venerable Sirs, The humblest of your Votaries and Homagers,
Hotspur Roadman.
Question. which is the more Noble Animal, a Louse or a Flea?
Postscript. The first of these generous Animals (not that our Intimacy should make you partial in your Determination) has been a constant Attendant of my present Retirement and Studies, and therefore not improperly some part of my speculations.
The nobler Animal a Lowse or a Flea! I profess a knotty point, and requires elaborate Headpiece-work to answer: And therefore what think you Gentlemen of two penny worth of cold Tea, alias warm Nantz, by way of preparatory, for enlivening our fancies, and enlightening our Intellectuals, for the livelier and sprightlier discussion of so formidable a Question?
With all our Hearts. But first by your leave Mr. Stuff what say you to it?
Truly Gentlemen, not to starve a good Cause, I care not if I make it up a whole Quartern. For good Wits deserve incouragement, and as an old saying I have heard among you Foecundi Calices, &c. I confess 'tis at present a sawcy priz'd Liquor. But hang [Page 6]pinching, I shall find it in the hundred, for Mr Grub shall repay it in Helicon.
There spoke the genius and the Soul of Poetry.
Therefore, Brush, bring a quartern of Mr. Chair-mans best Whetwit.
Presently Sir.
A long quartern sirrah: For Wit and Learning, Weight and Measure go through the World.
Now Gentlemen to the Question, the Nobler Animal — Look you [Noble] is a high and honourable Epithete, a word of Altitude, as I may so say. A Man, or indeed any other sublunary Creature may be stiled Noble, in two several senses. First, in his personal Capacity, and secondly in his Extract and Original. As to the personal capacity of these 2 Animals proposed in the Question—
Hold Brother, the decision of that point is my Province. As to their personal capacities this I must say, since Nature either has not furnisht these two Animals with Bulk and Dimension suitable to their extraordinary Figure and Symmetry, or rather has not furnisht our narrow, sighted humane Opticks with sufficient perspicacity to distinguish the extraordinary parts, lineaments and corporeal accomplishments of the said animals in their due perfection, I have a little Mathematical Instrument, a small piece of art in my pocket, that has discover'd most prodigious phenomenons in the corporeal qualifications of the said minute animals: and let me tell you, there's exactly as much difference between a Louse and a Flea, as between an Elephant and a Rhinoceros.
Prodigious indeed.
Nay; I have so accurately survey'd and delineated the Proboscis of the one, and the Cusp or Horne of the other, both so plain, and indeed so amazing. For experiment sake, Friend Jerry, have you ever a—
I understand you — But 'tis not worth my unbuttoning to furnish you; for we have seen the Experiment, and are so fully satisfied in that point, that, to give 'em both their due, we know not to which to assign the superiority, but if you'll come to the second noble qualification, their Extract, a Flea has so much the fairer Original; a Flea, I assure you, Mr. Chair-man, is your own Cozen German, no less than a Son of Phoebus. What Parent, pray you, but the bright God of Day to warm that little Infant of the Summers Sun into Life: and to shew you 'tis an off-spring that does not shame its great Descent, what Activity, what Sprightliness and Vivacity do you find in it; when on the other side the dull, the phlegmatick, the heavy lumpish Saturnine Louse—
Nay, fair and softly; you run a little too fast. If you are for Genealogies and Nativity, pray take the great birth of the little Polypus, the Louse, into your grave consideration. Do you think 'tis not as high an honour to his Veins to have the vital warmth of Man for his Parent; that Anima Mundi, or at least Lord of the World, nay, himself a World; that more than Miscrocosm, Man, for his Sire.
Nay, fair and softly both of you. What is Birth and Extract for a foundation of true Nobility, when as an inspired Brother of the Quill observed,
No, Gentlemen, all that has already been said are weak arguments in the Great Cause depending. Alas, consider, my Learned Friends, that we sit here for more important work, and sublimer contemplations. You forget sure that the main Great End of our Debates and Results is the Encouragement of true Religion, Virtue and Piety; and the suppression of Vanity, Vice and Profaneness. And perhaps never was a fairer Topick of that kind came before us than in these two small animals now in controversie. For instance, what is the Flea but apetfect image or portraict of Prodigality, nay the Prodigal himself, that very unprovidently, like the Grashopper, only hops and dances in Summer, and famishes and starves in Winter. Nay, what's yet a greater blot in his Scutcheon for (dic quibuscum sis, & dicam quis es) he herds and sociates with Dogs, when on the contrary, the braver-spirited Louse consorts with Men, and not only so, but is the perfect Emblem of the provident good Husband; is no Rover, nor Rambler, but carefully keeps home, will lodge snug in the Collar of a Doublet (unless disturb'd by the hard hand of Philistines) there perform the first great Commandment, Increase and Multiply, and be the staid and carefull Father of a Family even to the fifth and sixth Generation.
Well Brother, you have spoken with the Voice of an Oracle. The Defence of Religion and Virtue, Morals and Principle as thou observest, are our grand affair, and accordingly we subscribe to your deep Judgment, The Louse the nobler animal; besides I could add one mite more into the Scale of the Louse to out ballance his weaker Rival the Flea. The Flea, with submission, is a perfect. Blood sucker, and lives in open violation of the Mosaie Law.
That's no great matter, we are neither Jews nor Scots to [Page 8]stand upon that scruple. And now you talk of Blood, for my part no man loves a Black-pudding better than my self: and truly having named Black-pudding, there's an honest Tripe-woman, my particular acquaintance, in the Poultty market (I believe you may see her out of the window) that sells the best in London. Under the Rose, Gentlemen, I was once a Suitor to a Daughter of hers before I marry'd my Noncon.
A Suitor said you to the Tripe womans Daughter?
Ay, and had like to have carry'd her, only the silly old woman broke off the Match. For when we came to the great Matrimonial preliminary the matter of Money, the penurious stingy old fool was for having me take out her daughters whole portion in Tripe and Trotters; which substantial houshold geer, though Heaven knows I love very well, yet I was for some ready Cole, and could by no means dispence with all Sowce and no Silver.
Now you talk of your Tripe mother that should have been, I have just now laid out a small parcel of Rhino in some of her own manufacture.
Say'st thou so, honest Provider.
In the very specifical numerical Commodity you have been talking of, Black-pudding. And now my honest Landlord below is boyling 'em for Dinner. 'Tis true I have no great fancy myself for that Heathen Anti-Judaical compound (as thou callest it). But no matter I have bought me a Chitterling for my own Dinner.
But prithee, Landlord, how camest thou to love that silly, limber, nerveless Gut call'd a Chitterling.
Poxon thee! don't ask such an impertinent Queston. Dost thou not know he can't get his Wife with Child, and what the Devil would you have him love but a Chitterling.
But does his Wife love a Chitterling too.
Mum, not a word of that.
Well, Gentlemen, since our kind Master Mr. Stuff has been so careful a Caterer for us in Dish of Black-puddings, to show you that we Athenians must improve all our minutes in pushing on the Great Work, the Cuttivation of Learning; No, not so much as at the hour of Dinner, lye fallow, I am just now laboring with a very great thought which I have long teem'd withal.
Nay Mr. Chairman is in the right, we must not lose so much as our very sleeping-time without some product or other. For my part I am sure I laid the whole design of my second Spira in my sleep.
How! In thy sleep!
Verily in my sleep. You must know dreaming naturally [Page 9]very of the Devil, that renown'd Prince of the Air, and Lord of Darkness was generously pleas'd one night to inspire me in a kind Dream with the whole Hint and Foundation of my Spira. And truly, not to be ungrateful for favours receiv'd, I embraced his Princely Highnesses kind motion, and the very next morning set pen to paper in nomine Domini Atheniensis, toucht with a Cole from his own Altar, and writ like a perfect Enthusiast.
Nay, now you talk of the sweet reposing softs of sleep for a conceptionary inspiration, I can assure you I have made use of a much homelier hour; For, between friends, I have answer'd many a Poetical Lady's Question in our Mercury upon my Stool; and every strain I made I tagg'd a Couplet. Nay Gentlemen, my Muse and I (I can tell you) have both disembogued together.
Well but as you were saying, what's this Mercurial Rapsody of yours we are like to have now at this gawdy dinner of ours?
Why, truly I have summ'd up our whole Society, our Arts and Sciences, and indeed the whole body of our Athenian Learning in this grand Oleo now before us, viz. a Black-pudding.
I protest, a noble Thought.
'Tis true, I once design'd it for a loftier Pindarick, but at present take it in humbler Heroick.
Silence in the Court whilst Mr. Chair-man delivers.
Hum, hum, hum!
ACT II.
I Profess Gentlemen a Festival Banquet, an absolute Bacchanal, In verbo Sacerdotis—Helicontensis I would say; I have not carest my self so sumptuously Heav'n knows the good day.
Nay troth, as thou sayst, 'twas a luscious Regale. For my part I fell on so briskly, and bestirr'd my Grinders so heartily—
Nay Gentlemen, to do us all right, there was no Love lost on any side; we all behav'd our selves so manfully, and made our Attack so substantially, with our Loyns girt and our Sandals buckled, till we made as clear work as a Jew at a Passeover. And now Gentlemen, a propo! what think you, if for a short pause after Dinner, not always to be wrapt up in our Athenian altitudes, nor altogether converse with Sublimities, for once we lay aside our non vacat Exiguis, and our Majora canamus, and e'ne descend from our Learned Pantheon to laugh out half an hour in a little humbler chat, and talk like the vulgar.
Truly a very good proposal. And what if to make up the mirth, we take our honest Landlord into the Consort?
By all means! Let him be call'd — Mr. Poll.
Your pleasure, Gentlemen?
Mr. Chair-man gives you leave to sit down with us.
I humbly thank your Honours.
Nay, Mr. Chair-man, I suppose you'll favour him with leave to be cover'd too.
With all my hoart: Mr. Poll; we must not bear state always; pray for once make no Ceremony, but be one of us. 'Tis true, 'tis a Grace we must not always grant; for besides the Dignity of this Honourable Society, even in my own private capacity, I must tell you Mr. Poll, not to pride my self, I think a Son of the University ought to be —
Worshipt you mean. There I confess, Brother Grub, you have somewhat the advantage of me. For a University or a Colledge, Oxonian, Alma Maternian, and so forth, were never any part of my ambition. Heaven be prais'd, I can prepare my Tetrachymagogon without a Velvet Cap or a Tufted Gown; without the servitude of a Scholars Apprenticeship, or the charge and expence of a learned Livery. No, Gentlemen, I profess a great deal more good husbandry than that comes to. For look you, my Masters, as long as there's Post or Pissing-place in either street, nook or alley, in the whole spacious Town of London, to blazon my renown upon, 'tis infinitely less chargable to have my Fame and Learning stand conspicuous in large black and white, than to walk in Scarlet from the Schools to St. Mary's Besides, I thank my Stars, I have been as serviceable in the Bills of Mortality, and have had the hearty prayers of all the Parish Clerks and Sextons; and all with as able an executing hand, as the proudest Graduate Professor of 'em all.
Nay, there I jump with my Brother Squirt. An University is no part of my pretension neither. I bless Heaven my very small Literature is of my own Nursery, a homely plant of my own Kitchen Garden, I assure you. And truly I am rather proud than asham'd of that Qualification. For mark me Gentlemen, more Confidence and less Learning makes the Compounds for an Athenian. And possibly had my foolish Parents, or my own misfortune destin'd me for an Academian, 'us ten to one but the University Modesty might have done me more harm than good, by baulking my Courage, and consequently marring my Preferment, by rendring me incapable of my present post of Honour:
Truly Brother, a very good observation, Modesty is in deed too cold a Glebe for an Athenian soyl. We must have Horse-dung Beds for our brisker and nimbler productions. Minerva. was the off-spring of Jove's brain; and pray was not Vulcans hard Hand and his harder Hammer call'd for her Lucina. For my part, I would not give a farthing for a Head-piece that has not a Forehead answerable to it. 'Tis not your Leaves of Brass, those boasted Records of Heroes; but Fronts of Brass, that must raise our Monuments.
Faith thou hast hit it. 'Twas just such a Front that writ my Second Spira.
Ay boy, that was a Master stroke. Pray Mr. Stuff how many have you sold of that glorious Apocrypha?
Only some few small Impressions, summ total about 18 thousand. Well, Mr. Dash, I am not a little obliged to you for that tickling Quivedo, that sweet Vision of Hell. Prethee what Muse didst thou invoke, dear Joachim, for that sublime Inspiration.
Muse quoth a! no troth; those silly shamefac'd Girls, the nine blushing Fools, I assure you were no Gossips at that jolly Christning. No really, if I may tell you the truth, I was illuminated by a Grubstreet Apollo, whilst the great Souls of Garagantua, Lazarillo, Captain Jones, St. Jago Pilgrims, &c. were the warm transmigrating Fires that animated me for the bold Montellon of that Golden Oracle.
Nay, troth that elaborate piece is all pure Elixir Atheniense, the very Spirit and Quintessence of thy Mercurial SALT. But hang thee, Jo. not to make thee too proud neither, in my opinion our honest Master, little Jack there, has been the hardier bold Britain of the two in that couragious publication; and accordingly deserves the fairer share of the Lawrel for it. For look you; Jo. thy part in it was no more, than we brothers of the Quill, by virtue of that great branch of the Poet and Painters Charter, Quidlibet audendi, may pretend some little Excuse for. Besides Gentlemen, do not we write Athenians, and pray is not Athens a fair Town of (let me see) some 2 thousand miles distance from little old England?
Such a way bit, Mr. Grub.
Tar-box, we write Travellers too; and consequently, by the known right and property of Travellers; may very lawfully —
Do what?
Lye by authority; and there's an end on't.
Sweet Sir, I am your most obliged humble Servant.
But for our friend and Patron Jack: What buffets has he stood in defending, and what toyl and fatigue has he undergone in vouching and legitimatizing that spurious brat? For example, how many motherly Matrons (the pious chap women for that golden piece, that aurum fulminans, for the blowing up and confounding the Atheistical Gogs and Magogs) has he had to tickle and chuckle into an implicit Faith for the swallowing of that pious Legerdemain. Nay, and what's harder yet, how many Crape gown Visitants, those more learned and more formidable Curioso's, has he had to satisfie in the undoubted veracity of that prodigious Ens Metaphysicum.
Nay hold a Little Gentlemen, pray give me leave to be my own Trumpet in this cause, as best able to sing my own Glorys in that Triumphant Subject, I assure you, Gentlemen to all the Several Thousand Inquisitors upon that Question (for 'twas half the work of my shop to answer them) tho I say it my self, I have stood the Brunt with that presense of mind, that Courage and Constancy enough to dub me a Heroe. You know I have a Languid sort of Countenance, and what with a grave face, and the manage of a Sanctify'd Grimace, I have replyed so demurely, turn'd up white of Eyes so devoutly, and protest so sincerely, that really I have rarely or never met that severest e'ne Infidell Curiosity, that I have not soften'd and sweetn'd into some sort of a Conversion. But Mr. Dash, I am the best Bookseller for such an Authour, for you must know I have a particular Talent that way. 'Tis no new thing to me I assure you. Time has been that I have had the Confidence (the modest assurance I would say) of as bold an undertaking before.
No doubt on't Mr. Stuff, Nor am I insensible of your Virtues of that kind. For truly between frinds the knowledge I had of my Publishers merits that way was possibly my greatest Encouragement for the work. Under the Rose, I had never labour'd with that Stupendious Birth, had I not been well assured of so able a Nursing hand to rear it.
There you did me Right. And Indeed you had sufficient reason for that assurance in me. For as 'tis notoriously known, that I have publisht some posthumous Peices even of my own dear Daddys writing and composing under my own name; as my own legitimate and particular Production and Ofspring: and rob'd the very dead for no other Feather then the Titular Author to grace the Booksellers Scutcheon. After so currant a Slur upon the world for meer vanity sake, 'tis hard, if in so much greater and weightier an Importance as the profit and Interest of so Selling a Copy as Spira, I could not strain a little Extraordinary point of modesty for so potent a Consideration.
By your Leave Gentlemen, shall I make bold to thrust in a word?
with all my heart honest Landlord, I think thou hast not spoke yet.
Then truly Mr. Stuff, if you have had the happiness of Sweetning and Softening so many thousand Infidels into a Beleif of your Spira, you have had better luck then I upon that Subject.
Thou! Landlord.
Yes I Sir. For my part I ventur'd once and but once to try my little Rhetorick for making a Convert of one of those Infidells, and I declare I had like to have had my head broke for't.
Why honow Landord: wert thou a Champion for my Spira?
Yes troth a peice of one, and much I got by't. For t'other day there came a gentleman to drink a dish with me, and falling [...] [Page 14]fowl upon your Spira, I in good Reason, as I thought, began a little to rebuke him for traducing and Scandalising so Authentick and Substantiall an Oracle as the History of the second Spira. Hereupon besides a hundred Impudents and Rascalls he call'd me for Justifying so notorious a piece of villany (nay if he had been in mad Nantz as he was only in sober Coffee I believe he had knock'd me down,) he was pleas'd to utter such hideous hard words against the Authour and Publisher of it, as made me tremble to hear him. If you think Mr. Dash you can bear the hearing of them, I have a pretty good memory, and believe could repeat them verbatim.
Hear them Landlord? Ay with all my heart. And as to the Bearing I have as much of that part of the great Cardinall Fortitude as the whole nine Worthys.
With your permission then First in plain English he Swore the Pamphlet or fable of the Second Spira was the most notorious lye and forgery that ever look'd light in the face.
A very fair Beginning.
Nay, and you'll have as fair an End ont too. To proceed then he did not (he said) so much quarrell at the Impudence and Knavery of the Romance it self, as being no doubt a Badge of the Authours profession, but at the non-sense and Stupidity of the dull Rogue for putting his Lyes so Sillily and foolishly together.
That indeed was a Shrewd blot.
For, (continu'd he) how do they patch up the credit of this Mormo? O yes? very substantially. For 1st. a politick Advertisment at the End of the Book and in half a dozen Mercuries besides, gives us to understand that the worthy and reverend Divine from whose hand the Athenian compiler had his notes and minutes to work upon, had unluckily taken a Religious Ramble into the Country (a blind Journey I suppose to the D's Ar—of Peake) and thereby was unfortunately non present for the necessary Vindication of the Sacred Truths in that History to confront the Scruples and Calumnys against it.
So Sir, go on.
2ly. What was the greatest obstruction to a full Discovery, 'twas insinuated that the unhappy Gentleman the Subject of that Tragicall Relation, was a person of high Quality, and therefore his honourable Parents us'd their best Injunctions to hush his name as a reflection upon their noble Family to have such an Apostate member dye out of it.
Very well. And pray what could this Satyricall Guest of yours object against these two Insinuations, as he's pleas'd to call 'em.
Why truly e'en enough to lay you flat on your Back. To the first, says, he, was ever such a blockhead as this thick scull'd Athenian, to feign so ridiculous a Story as the black robed Gentlemans Absence in the Country to the unfortunate stifling their Spira's Veracity; when besider that single attesting Dr. the Book mentions that no less [...] [Page]then four professors of Divinity had the ghostly Care of this poor Gentleman on his Death bed; and pray were the other all gone into the Country too, that not one single Champion of 'em all could step forth, tho' in so important a Cause, so necessary a Testimoniall for the Service of his Religion and Alters. Ay but his Parants forsooth had bound 'em to Silence. Very pretty Injunction, when the bare triviall Request of a Scrupulous Parent (for that was the Parents utmost power) could be of force sufficient to supersede the higher obligations of Conscience and Christianity in four Orthodox (or indeed suppose but one single one) professors of Religion and Preachers of the Gospel, to be so much Traytors to their God (for that's their best name) that not one of 'em from that day to this has so much as open'd his mouth, (nay and that too in so Athesticall an Age) to the attesting that single short narrative of this anonimous Spira's dreadfull Example, tho' possibly to a much greater Service to their Church then the whole Pulpit work of half an Age.
A very Severe Observator.
And as to the Parents wonderfull tenderness of their Families Credit in this Severe Injunction upon the silenced Divines, truly neither Barrell better herring, if we can suppose such honourable Christian Parents so concern'd for the Reputation of one disolute Son, one mortyfied Branch of their whole stock, as to do so publick an injury to the whole Christian Proffession in so Barbarous a Tongue-tye; this I may safely say of 'em. they are neither half the Christians nor had half the Charity upon Earth as Dives had in Hell; for he good man, comparatively so call'd, was for making his own dreadfull Example of Eternall Vengeance, if possible, a Sea-mark to his Brethren upon Earth, by sending Messengers to them to warn 'em from spliting on his Rock, and being Swallow'd in his Gulph; which if you'l believe the Athenians, was no part of this Noble Familys Consideration. Let a thousand Athesticall Renegadoes dye and be damn'd (which possibly this only Example openly and faithfully transmitted to Posterity might have converted) provided that this single Apostate Child of theirs may sleep in his grave with a noli me tangere, only for the pleasure of keeping his Ashes unprofaned, in compliment forsooth to his honourable Pedegree.
And was this all he had to say?
Only a short farewell Conclusion, which was that you ought to fall upon your Knees (only he thought praying was no part of your Studies) and thank Heaven and a mercyfull Government that you have not had a fair lash from Newgate to Tyburn for so impudent an Imposture shamm'd upon the world under a License and Imprimatur, enough to put Religion it self out of Countenance, as if it wanted such Authoriz'd Cheats and lyes to appear in publick with a cum privilegio as a Crutch to support it.
Enough Enough good Landord. The Gentleman was a little too Satyricall. And truly thou hast made a sort of an ungratefull Titillation [Page]in some tingling Organs about me, that I vow I care for hearing no more. Not that I am troubled with any such green-sickness Virgin Grace as Blushing, no I thank my Constitution I have a tougher Skin; and defy the utmost the snarling world can say against me. For Landlord I may tell you as a Friend, that Truth and Honesty, Religion or Conscience are no Athenian Arguments, we write for the penny, and there's an Answer for all.
Well Gentlemen, what if we Change this melancholy Subject and talk of a little merrier Country matters.
What of our Wives?
Ay no better Subject.
Nay Gentlemen if you talk of wives, I have that to say to my Wife—
Nay I fancy thou hast much to say to her, but I believe thou dost little enough in Conscience, by a very sad token we have so little fruits of thy Labour.
Not so neither Mr. Squirt. I can assure you there's no good will wanting of my side.
Nor of hers I'le swear for her.
'Tis true the Blessing of Children and raysing of seed—
With the small Corne in thy Bushell—
Is not every womans happiness.
Not every mans Ability—
Not that the Blessing of Children is the only consideration, for besides that, there's a certain pride and credit in being a Father, and that little sort of Honour in a fire-side, that truly I am in no small Affliction from my shame and Reproach under the Infelicity of that want. Nay what with the Jeers of my fleering neighbours abroad—
And thy Curtain Lectures for non-performance at home
Together with my want of an Heir to my Copys (viz. to my Fee simple in ten Volumes of Mercuries, and the twice ten more you'l write me) I labour under no little trouble of mind.
Nay really Mr. Stuff all these are sensible Afflictions especially the last mortifying Thought, the want of an Heir to thy Mercurial Volumes, Treasures, let me tell you, as precious as Purcelaine, that may lye by to thy great great grand-children a Hundred years hence.
Nay besides all this a Childless Citizen looks so Bankrupt like, so forlorn a wretch, that poor trader in Love, as if he had neither City stock of his own, nor Court credit to supply him.
Look you Brother Dash, neither your Mathematicks nor Mr. Squirt's Philosophy has yet hit of the true Cause of Mr. Stuffs malady and Distemper.
Malady and Distemper, sayd you?
Ay, distemper old Boy downright naturall Infirmity. But if thou'lt follow my Direction, I'le help thee to a Recipe better then all his Tetrachymagogon, a Cure that shall mend all thy faults and make [Page 17]thee a Dad immediately.
Mend my faults and make me a dad? I vow Mr. Grub you'l do me the greatest kindness in the whole world, and you shall never know what I'le do for you if you'll oblige me with this dear Recipe.
ACT. III.
WELL Mr. Stuff have you consulted your pillow, and resolv'd upon my Poeticall Instuctions and measures for carrying on the great work of Propagation.
why really Mr. Grub I have ruminated and ponder'd upon your Learned Advise in that Conjugall Importance.
Well; how and how then? can you say with our old friend Catiline.
It is Decreed nor shall thy Fate Oh Rome—
'Tis so far decreed that all the necessary Preliminaries are already Settled. For Instance I have not only been treating with the Broom man and Kitchin stuff-maid, those necessary small Merchants for the disposall of my old Wardrop; but I have likewise consulted the ablest Cucumber Oracle my Neighbour Sheerman, and Mrs. Topping and Mrs. Commode, the Taylor Semstress and Milliner in the Caball the whole Fraternity and Sisterhood [Page]of Beau-makers, for my personall Equipment and Imbellishments.
Nay then my dear Disciple, I see my good Doctrine has not been thrown away upon thee.
Nor is this all my Preparatory. For after I have new Cased my self, new rig'd and tackled my outward Furniture, I am resolved to take a little pains and lay out some Cost upon the Hulk it self; and therefore designe to go t'the Hummums.
The Hummums! I vow that is taking pains upon thy Hulk indeed, the sweetest way of Careening a fowl vessell.
Nay Gentlemen I intend to go through stich with it; To be Cupt and re-cupt, rub'd up and rub'd down, bathed and balm'd, fumed and fumigated, hum'd and double humm'd, my Masters, till I put Spirit and Elixir into me; And then—
And then indeed old Boy. Nay thou takest the right Method for it: and if after all this trimming and sweetning thou dost not slip into thy dear Spouses Titillations, and tickle her up a little Bantling, we must then conclude thy Disease is Desperate, and nothing but the last Application will perform the Cure.
The last application? Borowing help to inoculate my Crab I suppose you mean: Nay as you say, if all the rest of your prescription will not Effectually operate, I must be forc'd to submit, and e'ne dispence with that last unsavoury Dose of Horn Jelly, the Inoculation you speak of, rather then want a Son and Heir.
Nay' there thou are i'th right on't. For not to be frighted at a hard name, a little common Popular Obloquy, a meer vulgar Error in that point, I remember an old Bard once sweetly Sung.
I profess a sweet Distinction!
Nay sweet Mr. Grub you speak such profound Reason, that I stand the most convinc'd and most confirm'd Convert in the whole world; and cant forbear answering you in a small Rhime of my own Composition.
By your sweet Leave Sirs, I come from a very honest Gentleman, who desires to Communicate some small Affairs to your Honourable Society.
An honest Gentleman say you.
Ay, and a learned one too. A man of Sense as well as Honor.
Say you so▪ I'le soon try that. Pray do's this Learned Gentleman read our Mercurys?
Ay, and admire 'em too.
Enough Enough, I need no other proofs of his Learning. His Sense and Parts are unquestionable. For as our Brother Bays says of his Play, So we make our Mercury our Touchstone: He that is our Athenian Admirer, gives a sufficient Indication of all the accomplishments both of a Philosopher and a Virtuoso, and Ingenuity needs no fairer a Test.
Nay, if that can accomplish him for an Ingenioso, he is not only your Admirer but your Champion too.
Our Champion! worthy Sir?
Yes Sir you'l find him in the first Columne of your Mercury of the 9th. of May last, throwing down a small gauntlet of his in your quarrell by way of Challenge to an impudent anonymous Adversary of yours.
Oh, I remember that Honourable Friend of ours, subscrib'd T. W. that sent us the kind Letter in Vindication of a small Couplet of mine in one of our Mercurys, against an Attacque of Envy and Ignorance, under the Imputation and Charge of Blasphemy.
I think I Remember the Distick, speaking of the Wind.
Ay, and some overwise snarlers forsooth, were pleas'd to Criticise upon that last line as no less then a Blasphemous Reflection upon Gods Omniscience, as if he could be Ignorant of a common Naturall Cause and Effect.
But my good Friend (not that your greater Abillties wanted so poor an Advocate) I hope, did you right Gentlemen.
O beyond all Expression. For my part I cannot but remember his learned Arguments even with a sort of Veneration. How do's he lay our feeble Adversarys upon their Backs? as if every Hypotheticall Expression (as they foolishly suggest Heav'n help their weakness) must imply a Negative. Well but that worthy Gentleman has produced such Arguments and cited such Authority to clear that point as nothing could make a more generous Defence for us, nor more substantiall Justification.
For Instance,
As if says he either the suppos'd Heathen Authour Cato, or rather the true Christian Authour Franciscus de Sta. Clara could be guilty of doubting wheither God was a Spirit or no.
And in another Instance,
‘Frigida si sit Hyems cur aquae fumant hyemales.’As if (continues he) that Famous and memorable Authour and Physitian Johannes Nubrigensis so renoun'd in the Reign of Richard the 2d could doubt wheither winter was cold or no; because forsooth thus Hypothetically exprest.
But pray Gentlemen by the by are you of my Freinds Opinion that Franciscus de Sta. Clara an eminent Christian Monck, in the 12th. Century, was the true Authour of those disticks commonly call'd Sententiae Pueriles, and not the reputed Heathen Moralist Cato.
Ay no doubt on't: I could have resolv'd you that twice seven Years agoe. For those Famous Authours your freind quotes for his Authority viz. Joachim Crinitus, Mr. Ashmole &c. the one that asserts it in his Dissertationes de Crit. fid. Christ. and the other in his Chymia Sacra, are both of 'em writers of unquestion'd Veracity, and both my particular Closet Freinds and Acquaintance.
Then you have read both those Authours?
through and through, pith and marrow, nerve and sinew; as for Joachimus I'le say that for him, I do not beleive that there's ever a school casuist of 'em all mootes Points of Conscience like him. Between Freinds, I have accommodated my self with many an Answer to some knotty points of Religion in several of our Mercurys, from that very Authour. No disparagement, I hope Sir, to borrow from the Learned.
O, fye Sir, disparagement! rather your Glory, Sir, to have that Honourable trust and familiarity with the Keys and [Page 21]Cabinets of such venerable Antiquity.
As for Mr. Ashmole, that more modern English Pen, I am of opinion that nothing has made so Elaborate an Extraction of the quintessence and spirit of Divinity as his Chymia Sacra have done.
Nay now you talk of Your Two learned Mephistophilos and Familiars, pray let me thrust in one word of my particular Closet-Mate and Croney too, the worthy Joannes Nubrigensis, I assure you Sir I have so much Reason to be deep in his Books, that I can vouch that for the Honour of old Richard the 2d's days, that that very Esculapius of never dying Memory, was the Original Founder of my Tetrachymagogon. Not but I have built and improved upon his Basis. And not but a young Cook may add one corne of salt, and one grain of spice to an old standing Pye, But in short the Original Dish is all his own, and possibly 'tis no small feather in my Cap that the Care and Industry of my Ancestours, have preserved that golden Arcanum hallow'd and inviolable for so many successive Ages, and lodged it wholly and solely in my hands.
Lord, what Universall Learning must You Athenians have; such prodigious deep-read Men, that no Art nor Mystery, Depth nor Shallow, Writer or Authour comes amiss to you.
Nay Sir, that we must say for our Society, that we are (take us together) the whole Bodlaean of Learning, Ʋniversall, as you well observe, being the very Crest of our Scutcheon. Or what wou'd our undertaking signify else?
Well Gentlemen but after all your wondrous Ʋniversality, what if this Joachimus and this Ashmole and this Nubrigensis, should be as errant Romance as Tom Thumb in Folio, neither any such Men nor any such Authours in the whole Universe, a meer non ens, no such thing as his Dissertationes, nor tothers Chymia in Rerum natura.
How! what's that you say?
Nothing but dounright Truth honest Grub of Grub-street-hall, and so the honest Gentleman, that sent you that Vindication, pray'd me to tell you.
Abused, bantered, and ridiculed!
Ene so. Neither better nor worse. As for the poor Heathen Philospher Cato, we must do him Justice and unchristen his Disticks and e'ne restore them to their true Daddy; and your 12th. Century man dé Stâ. Clarâ modestly draw of, notwithstanding the unquestion'd Veracity of your intimate Closet Freinds and Acquaintance, [Page]sweet Mr. Grub. 'Tis true, as to little Jeryes old Croney honest Johannes Nubrigensis alias Jack of Newbery: That famous Esculapius, might undoubtedly be the true Founder of his Tetrachymagogon, if I mistake not, it being a Receipt of an old Granneys, one of Jacks Newbery spinsters, found in a corner of an old Cupboard of the reverend Gentlemomans, together with an old Ruff and an Aquae-Vitae bottle, and some other venerable Reliques of Antiquity.
Well! pray Sir go on.
Nay if you like it, you're heartily welcome to it.
And so, Sir— as you were saying.—
Why Sirs, if those Bodlean Head-peices of Yours, your deep Athenian Ʋniversality, instead of your Boasted Antiquity-Wisdom, had had Learning enough to have read but the History of Yesterday, you might have learnt that the famous Franciscus de Stâ. Clarâ, instead of a 12th. Century man was a late Somerset house Brother, a modern Babylonish Controversy Scribler (posibly living to this day,) and answer'd by Dr. Stillingfleet. But pardon the notorious grossness of the Banter, my kind Friend your generous Vindicator, knew the depth of your Athenian swallow and digestion, and therefore not suspecting any danger of a Discovery, he prepared his sham accordingly.
Then belike all that Gentlemans Vindication in cleering our Aspersion of Blasphemy, both his Authors and Quotations were all a downright Ridicule upon us.
Yea veryly Reverend Mr. Chairman.
And we have returned him that gratefull and pubick Acknowledgment for just nothing?
Even so Mr. Squirt. For had you had but three grains of your own Tetrachymagogon in your head, you might easily have perceived that all his pretended Arguments in your defence only burlesqued upon you. For what Analogy is there between your Hypotheticall [If] and Cato's?
Si Deus est Animus. Is there an absolute Affirmative? and might as well have been Ʋt Deus est animus: As God is a Spirit he ought to be worshipt, &c. And so Frigida si sit Hyems might have been Frigida cum sit Hyems. Since winter is cold, &c. But your [If] in the Devils name.
If God that sends it knows, he only knows, is a gross a Reflection upon Gods Omniscience, as that Vindication is upon your Athenian Ignorance. And this my worthy Freind Commissioned me to to tell you, and so fare ye well most Learned [Page]Sons of Athens.
Nay stay a little Sir one word before you go Death; if he carryes it off thus we are undone. [
Nay never was such a slur put upon us; that's certain.
Let me alone to bring it off again. You shall see
what my front can do. Now dear Impudence assist me. aside. Well Sir you have trolld it on at a high rate. You think you have smitten us hip and Thigh, I warrant you.
Only some small Trophy Sir not much worth our Boasting.
Not much worth it indeed. For to give the Gentleman our sham Freind and the whole world satisfaction in this matter, and clear our Society from the grinning Triumph you think you have got on us, you shall hear the whole Case examin'd and stated, and our whole wounded Reputation as fairly salved and repair'd to the utter Confusion of all our laughing Enemies.
Say you so Sir?
Pray Brother Squirt who writ that Mercury of the 9th. of May?
E'ne your own sweet self Mr. Grub. For for my part I had no hand in it, for I happen'd at that time to be some miles out of Town upon a very important medicinall Operation, no less then attending a Patient of Quality, being indeed sent for in a Coach and Four, to cure an old Lady of the Piles.
Nay and I had no hand in't neither, for I happen'd too to be call'd aside as far as Hounslow upon a very considerable Mathematick Affair no less then surveying a Turnip Field and a Crab-tree Orchard.
Do you hear this Sir.
Ay Sir and what then?
Only mark the winding up of the Bottom. So in fine Brother Athenians I my single individuall self was left in Town and consequently my own numericall pen writ and Composed that particular Mercury.
Only your own single Minerva I assure you.
Look you there Sir — pray what may I call your name?
Ned Freeman.
Then Mr. Freeman did not I tell you I should clear our Athenian Reputation, and can any thing to our immortally righted Honour be made out plainer. Was not that Mercury a pure By-brat of mine? Was it compiled any otherwise then raptim as I may so say? Was it concerted or discuss'd in a full Athenian [Page 24]Consistory? No Sir, 'twas only a private ship of my own. And as such, the whole Society stands fair and unblemisht. For look you Sir we pretend not to Infallibility Ex Cathedra. As men or so, in our severall private Capacityes we may have our oversights and Faylings; but as the whole Body of Athenians, in full Sanedrim, in General Council assembled, we defy the whole world to overreach us, or less then Divinity and Oracle to slip from us.
Gadamercy old Grub.
Pray Sir you may e'ne return as wise as you came, and pray bid your Freind your dear Sir Poll make the best of his Joachimus and his Nubrigensis, for any hurt he or they can do us, and so pray give him our Societies hearty humble service; and so we kiss your fair hand.
Nay Grub, thou hast won it fairly now. I shall return as you say as wise as I came, and leave your Athenian Reverences no wiser then I found you.
In Impudence. You see we understand you both in prose and Verse, and to answer you in another farewell Rhime of mine,
Well Brother Grub, thou hast carry'd it off with a high hand, and bore up very magisterially. But for all this our Society was never so ruffled before.
Joachimus and Nubrigensis! a pox of our Ʋniversality? I declare we were never so Flounder'd in all our lives.
Pshaw! many such a dry Bob must we expect, if we write Mercury's. But hang it, I am for copying my Freind Maximin.
Gentlemen here, s Dorothy Tickleteat the Islinghton Milkmaid presents her humble service to you, and desires your Acceptance of a Dish of Cream, and withall beseeches the favour of a word with your Honours.
Oh by all means admit her.
Ay Landlord pray hand her in civily.
A dish of Cream! I profess a Right Noble Patroness, and the least we can do, is to dedicate our next Volume of Mercurys to her.
Madam Dorothy—
Madam Dorothy! Indeed Sir that's too much, plain Mrs. Dorothy will serve my turn.
Then dear Mrs. Dorothy, we are all extreamly obliged to your pretty sweetness for this extraordinary Favour.
Nay I vow Sir, you make me blush.
And the whole Society must acknowledge your Generous Noble present.
Only a few Strokings; but and shall please you, 'tis all Red-Cows. But indeed I am a great deal more in your Debt then this comes to, and that you shall know May-day next when my veiles comes in.
Oh fye Mrs. Dorothy, let us deserve this favour first.
Deserve it! By my troth that you have done double and treble long agoe: For really Gentlemen you have answered my Question so Scholard like, and I have taken your Advise and use'd a black-lead Comb ever since. 'Tis true if I go out a little too early in the morning the Dew is so apt to wash it off agen; but no matter, when I dress in my Top knot of a Sunddy, I make my self as fair a Brown Foretop as ever a girl in the Parish.
Sweet Mrs. Dorothy, we are very happy and no less proud to serve you. But indeed 'tis the Business and study of this honourable Society to oblige all mankind. Only the World is a little ungratefull and does not reward us as we deserve.
Lord what pity that is.
No Mrs. Dorothy, we have not such generous Masters and Mistresses as Mrs. Dorothy Tickleteat every day. Such favours are not common Blessings as the hard world goes.
Nay Sirs I scorn to forget my Friends I have receiv'd a great deal of Comfort from you; for by following your Learned Advise and mending some small faults in my Complexion, in grace of God I have got me a good Husband; for this day Sevennight I am to be Marry'd.
Nay, that's a happyness indeed.
But truly Gentlemen I have one unhappy Infirmity more and if that be'nt mended too, I cannot tell what shift in the world to make. I vow 'tis enough to spoyl my wedlock.
Is there any thing in our powr to help you, sweet Mrs. Dorothy?
Lord Sir, what is it is not in your power? Oh Gentlemen do me but this one kindness more, and I am a made woman for ever.
Oh sweet Mrs. use us, and command us.
I vow you are so strangely obliging.—
But come, what is this other Infirmity?
I protest Gentlemen 'tis such a paw thing, and I am so ashamed to tell you.
Hang modesty, you must never be bashfull before us. You must throw open your secrets to your physitians as you would your Arms to your Sweetheart, there is no health to be got without one, any more then Love without the other.
But I vow Sir I shall so blush—
What within a week of matrimony and blush still; oh fye. Come pluck a good heart up and out with it.
Well if you'l let me whisper Mr. Squirt in the ear, he is a piece of a man midwife, I think I saw him at Joan Dirtypugs Labour; and I dare venture to tell him.
With all my heart.
Well, wou'd we had done with her once, for I long to be at her Cream pot.
Well Brother how do you find her Question?
Why Radicall, Brother. In plain English; an over Affluence of Humidity. She's troubled with a Lax in her Aquaeduct, a want of Retention in her Ʋretors.
Lord what a sweet thing is Learning.
And is this all your Grievance? never fear Mrs. we'll cure you, my Life for yours.
Will you indeed sweet Sir — I protest 'twill be the greatest peice of Charity that ever you did a poor Virgin in your whole Life. Alas Sir it comes sometimes upon me so violently both sleeping and waking; and if I should lye by the side of a man with it, twere enough to lose his Affections for ever, and make me the miserablest Creature living. Besides it has been so melancholly a thought to me to have a good thing so spoyld—
Well, Child, thou shalt take some of my Tetrachymagogon, 'twill cost thee but half a Crown a Bottle—
Oh Sir I'le spare no cost.
And with some other Restringents I'le help thee to, I'le turn the Tide I'le warrant thee.
Stop all Leaks, Girle.
And be sure to make me—
As close as a Corkt Bottle, Child—
And lye all the live long Night —
Seven and Seven Years, Chicken—
A cleanly tyte Bed fellow.
As a sucking pullet, dear fubby—
Well I vow Gentlemen you are the sweetest Society in Kent or Christendom. But pray Mr. Doctor, where do you dwell, that I may call upon you for all these fine things with the hard names.
At the signe of the Glyster pipe.
What, in Ticklehole Alley. And pray when will you be at home?
Within this half hour, Child.
Well, I'le certainly wait upon you. In the mean while pray accept of a quart of Strawberryes to your Cream—
O fye Mrs. Dorothy—
Nay I vow Sir but you shall. [forces a shilling into his hand. and so for one little short, long half hour dear Dr. farewell.
What Strawberryes to our Cream too. This is good fortune indeed. But Mr. Squirt, you have kill'd two Birds with one stone; answer'd a question and got a patient too.
Ay, Brother, and a good shift too. These by-Jobs are the best of our Game, I am sure the Society would hardly buy us porridge without it.
Nay my Brother Squirt's in the right for that. Do you think I have answer'd so many Rhiming Love Questions in our Mercurys for the meer Letchery of Poetry, or the Lucre of the poor penny Mr. Stuff can afford me for 'em? No, faith I have a deeper reach in my Athenian Politicks. For let me tell you 'tis not less then twenty (and twenty to that) kind Couples that I have Exercised my Sacerdotall Function on, upon no other Recommendation then my being so true a Love Advocate, and so good a Freind to the Mathematicks, and got good Yellow Boys, and good Sack Possets into the Bargain.
But I vow I was mightily pleas'd with my Brother Squirt for tickling up dear Dorothy so sweetly, and hitting her humour so to a hair.
Oh that we mush all do if we hope to thrive in this world. I would not give a Groat for him that can't tickle all fancies. For Instance when I Courted my Non Cons Daughter, do you think I came to her in my terrible Tantivy Gown, with a pair of dreadfull Pudding Sleeves, and attacqu'd her in high flown [Page 28]Orthodox? Death! that had been enough to have frighted the whole family. No no Sir, I prudently and wisely uncased, came in querpo, and woo'd and wedded her de froquè.
Oh Gentlemen Treason, Treason, Treason!
Ha! what's the matter man?
Plot and Conspiracy! Gentlemen. A parcell of rude Roysters not having the fear of Helicon before their eyes, but in open Rebellion against your Athenian Throne and Dignity, are breaking in upon us Vi et Armis, Gentlemen.
Moustrum Horrendum!
Where are these doughty wit Jobbers; these high and mighty Mercury foysters!
Oh Gentlemen, have a care what you do. If you offer any Violence here, we'll have you Indited for Sacriledge and Murder, for committing Burglary upon the Pantheon of Apollo, and the wicked and willfull Effusion of humane Learning.
Ay Gentlemen, downright Felons and Murderers.
Fellons and Murderers, Mr. Close stool raker? No, Sirrah, Beadles and Scavingers, for taking up of Strays and Vagrants, and sweeping out the Rubbish of the Nation. And so march coundrells, troop Vermin.
You'd best to have a care what you do. I'le stand by my Athenians as far as a Thousand Pound goes. For I'de have you to know I am a Citizen and Livery man of—
Horne-fair and Cuckolds-Haven, Coxcomb.
O Gentlemen, we are the Sons of Helicon.
Sons of Paddington?
The Flowr of Athens and Greece.
Of Gosselins and Geese—
Apollo, Minerva, Mercury— Help, help, help.