Homer alamode, the second part, in English burlesque, or, A mock-poem upon the ninth book of Iliads

1681

Oxford Text Archive

1

To his Friend Anthony Le-Nobody, ON HIS Mock-Poem.
TO THE Reader.
THE PREFACE TO THE READER.
THE Argument.

A MOCK-POEM Upon the Ninth Book OF HOMER's ILIADS.

2

TO THE READER.
THE Prefashion.
THE Ergo-ment.
ANOTHER Argument.

A MOCK-POEM Upon the Ninth Book OF HOMER's ODRSSES.

This material was created by the Text Creation Partnership in partnership with ProQuest's Early English Books Online, Gale Cengage's Eighteenth Century Collections Online, and Readex's Evans Early American Imprints.

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[Page]

HOMER ALAMODE, THE Second Part, IN English Burlesque:

Or, A MOCK-POEM UPON THE Ninth Book of ILIADS.

Nunc vacu [...]s crin [...]s alto s [...]hit insula nexu:

Troja mihi magnusque iter in tentatur Achilles.

STATIUS.

Once I was serious; but now

A merry Worm enwreaths my brow;

And in blith Rhimes (so Muse's will is)

I sing of Troy and great Achilles.

—Semel insanivimus omnes.

Invented for the Meridian of C [...]mbridge, where the Pole of Wit is elevated by several degrees.

LONDON, Printed by S. Roycroft, for Dorm in Newman, at the Kings Arms in the Poultry, 1681.

[Page]

To his Friend Anthony Le-Nobody, ON HIS Mock-Poem.

SCarron's a Fool, and Hudibras
He is, what is he? why an Ass.
And so's Leander's bawdy Poem,
And Maronides, if you know'um.
And other Folio's I ne'r saw,
Written by Lovers of ha-haw.
If but compar'd to what here comes,
I say, they are but meer Tom-thumbs!
[Page]And this I'm sure, though they're all vext,
You have kept closest to your Text;
And though they Somebodies would be,
They're Nothing, Nobody, to thee.

Philippo-Hudibrantio-Love-Witto.

Dat. Scarron [...]-ottonia, Anno Risûs inventi, 5677.

[Page]

TO THE Reader.

THough here may be something more than the Truth, yet here is the Truth too, that is, as Homer was pleased to deliver it to us: For the rest, it is as the Genius of Burlesque requires; but I suppose 'twill savour best with them, who have had Experience [Page] in that Author. Some Citations I have made of many, that you might at lest see the connexion of things, without the trouble of quoting the Poet himself on every occasion.

[Page]

THE PREFACE TO THE READER.

THis Rhapsodie yclep'd Iota,
Is full of matter worth the note-a,
To wit, of words Homerical,
Much mirth, some sense, and faith that's all:
[Page]But that you may be wiser, than
A thousand other honest men,
(Who never know, what 'tis they read)
I'll tell you now, 'er I proceed.

[Page]

THE Argument.

ONce on a time the Greek Gurmudgeons,
Were soundly banged by the Trojans;
But an old Gypsie, called Nox,
Sav'd the Rogues ears from further knocks:
But lousie Greeks in terrour micle,
Being scap'd, soon call'd a Conventicle.
There, while Atrides doth perswade
His bold Dragoons homeward to wade,
'Cause Jove made such a deadly pester;
Tydides, and old Crump-back'd Nestor,
Stood up and swore it should not be:
Then driveling Nestor (do you see?)
After he had well supt and bowzed
To th' Jury this Advice proposed:
That some good Beadles should be sent
Forthwith unto Achilles Tent,
[Page]To move by words, (not Sword or Hanger)
That he should straight depose his Anger.
But he, an ill-bred Clown, they say,
For all their Nauls did still cry nay:
And having play'd at Cards one game,
Sent 'um home like Fools as they came.
This doughty Message being told
To th' Greeks, they think it very bold;
Some their Mustachoes stroke and stare,
Some weep, while others curse and swear;
Some wash away sad thoughts with Nectar,
While others at Achilles Hector:
Thus for a while, Great Sir, they keep;
Then fall (like men of War) to sleep.

[Page]

A MOCK-POEM Upon the Ninth Book OF HOMER's ILIADS.

THus Trojans did at Sent'nel stand,
With Musquet ready cock't in hand;
But  [...].
 heavenly flight a Friend to fear,
Held every Grecian (by the Ear.)
While the stout  [...].
 Captain's grief doth 'rise,
And makes 'em put fingers in Nies.
Have you not seen how in a Churn,
Cream does at last to Butter turn,
[Page]While  [...].
Bores or Jeoffery rouls the stick
And jumbles it about full quick?
Even thus, no otherwise I think,
The fearful Greeks began to stink;
And that Beef-courage, they so boasted,
Lookt now like meat twenty times roasted
But Great  [...].
Atrides did appear
As chief in honour, chief in fear:
He first (if Poets are n [...] liars)†)  [...]—
Bad Corporal call the  [...]rill-lung'd — [...].
 Cry­ers
Then bad the Cryers to convocate,
Some Persons he did  [...].
 [...].
But without  [...].
 noise, lest the Greeks might
Suppose 'twas some Nocturnal spright,
And so for fear themselves be—This word Fright being left out in o­ther M. S. hath given some lewd Com­mentators cause to sus­pect all was not well; but if you will be content with this word, so, if not you may go sh—
—sright.
And he himself (though never so
In battel) now (7) did foremost go.
In short they all in Council met,
And there like  [...].
Hum-Drum Johns the sat
But Agamemnon 'mong 'um all,
Himself rose up, letting tears fall
[Page 3]As fast as streams  [...].
 from some high ground
A mercy 'twas they were not drown'd)
And  [...]—
 sighing as if's heart would break,
 [...]n micle manner thus he spake:
Friends, Knights and Aldermen (d'ye see?)
Was ever mortal plagu'd like me!
And all through shirking Joves false plot,
That promis'd (but performed not.)
Nay — [...]
 swore to me each word he se'd
And  [...].
 bow'd each Oath his greasie head;
That I should Troy (the Devil knows when)
Destroy, and so go home agen:
But now this petty fogging Sot
Hath plainly shew'd his  [...].
 crafty plot,
And after all my Red-coats slain,
Bids me to Argos pack again.
' And this forsooth is Jove's high will,
' That hath, and doth do, mischief still.
' 'Tis he thumps down — [...].
 Cities at ease,
' And crushes Towns, as men do Flees,
' Because in Heaven — [...].
 secure he sits
' From our revenge, and counts us Chits.
[Page 4]' But now go too, nay run, I say,
' And — [...].
 as I speak, let's all obey;
' Let's home t'our Country Beef and Bacon
' For Troy as yet cannot be taken.
Thus spake the mighty Greeks Comman­der▪
But all the rest, for fear of slander,
Stood — [...].
 mute, and though they were full glad,
Wisely pretended to be sad;
But at the last the — [...].
 roaring Rogue,
Tydides thus began his vogue.
' You shabby Fool Atrides [...].
, first
' I'll contradict you, do your worst;
100' (If leave in Counsel may be had:)
' But pray, good King,  [...].
 do not be mad▪
' You may remember, you're the man,
' That  [...]—
 scolding 'mong the Greeks be­gan,
' And said, I could no better shift
' Than vile Tom-thumb, or Hickathrift;
' Though all the — [...].
Greeks both young & old
' Know very well, Sir, I'm more bold:
' But Faith, I think the Son of  [...]—
Crony,
' Has destin'd you to be A Tony;
[Page 5]' A Scepter truly he hath lent you,
' But not one dram of  [...].
 mettal sent you:
' D'ye think the Greeks stout Sons can do,
' No better, Loggerhead, than you?
' If you'll be jogging, I suppose,
' The  [...]—
 way lies fair before your Nose;
' And there's your Cock-boats some seven­teen-a,
That follow'd you from Town Mycena;
' But th'rest (if we are no mistakers)
' Will stay, till Trojans be turn'd Quakers.
' But grant the rest should likewise go,
' And all with you should homeward row,
' Pray let 'um all budg home full pennyless,
' Yet I  [...]—.
 intend with Couzen Sthenelus,
' (Though Trojans so redoubted are)
' To fight with them like Dog and Bear;
' Not fearing storms or rainy weather,
' Because Old Nicholas [...].
 brought us hi­ther.
This said, the Grecians gave a shout
In favour of this  [...]—
 Knight no doubt;
[Page 6]But when their Caps they'd re-put-an
The  [...].
 Hostler Nestor thus began:
' Tydides, you're both stout of fist,
' And give good counsel, when you list:
' Who is't dare  [...]—
 contradict that fine O­ration you made? Troth, none as I know.
' But yet, spruce Gallant, all you've sed
' Has not as yet — [...].
 knockt Nail on head;
' Young years do sage Advice destroy,
' And you  [...].
 might well be thought my Boy:
' Yet you spoke well to th'King, for why?
' Because you huff so gallantly.
' But now go too; I, who your Father
' Might well be call'd, my wits will Hence you may collect, that his brains were scatter­ed.
 gather,
' And speak, which speech as I intend
' Shall all  [...]—
 things needful comprehend:
' And no man sure shall me condemn,
' Ne any else, nè Agamemn­on, then the Exordium of its this,
' He  [...]
 merits neither Friend nor  [...]—
 Miss.
' Nor house nor home, who e're he be,
' That loves a Civil war to see.
[Page 7]' Here's the Exordium, for the rest
' To speak it over Ale 'tis best.
' Wherefore, let us obey dark night,
' And make  [...]—
 a feast full of delight;
' Because, when Hero's sit at Table,
' To counsel best, I ween, they are able.
' But let each Sentinel and Scout,
' Lie in the Trench, the — [...].
 Wall without:
' Young men, 'tis you I here advise;—
' But you Atrides, you, whose guize
' Is so Majestick, here to Night
' Us Old men to a Foy invite;
' And if you would a reason know,
' 'Tis fit,  [...].
 nay fit it should be so.
' For in your Tent good  [...].
 Hogsheads stand,
' Exported from the Thracian Land:
' From forreign Seas in Grecian Lighters,
' A'Commodation good for fighters.
' You've  [...] ▪
 all th'advantage for't, to you
' (For your good Wine) the Seepter's due;
[Page 8]'For  [...].
 all, ev'n Thersite, that bold Elf,
' Are rul'd by Bacchus and your self.
' But when we're all together, and
' Sitting at Table cannot stand,
' We'll give our thoughts, and him I say
' That counsels best, you shall obey;
' For all the Greeks are in great want
' Of good Advice (their Wits go scant.)
' And at a desperate pinch appear,
' 'Cause foes their Bonfires burn so near.
' Who can rejoyce to see'um brave us?
' Well—this Night will destroy or save us.
He said, and they that heard obey'd,
Thinking all Gospel that he said;
First, Nestor's Bastard Thrasymede,
That  [...].
 folks with bit and knock doth feed,
Went from the place with Arms in hand,
And swore he would as' Sent'nel stand.
(I wot the Father had more wit,
While the Son stood, the Sire would sit.)
Then Scalaph and Iâmenus,
Mars-born (as Homer telleth us.)
[Page 9]Then Merion, Aphareus, Deipyre,
And Creon's Son, whom Threshold slippery,
Through too much hast on Buttocks flung;
'Twas Lycomede, that had this wrong.
Seven Captains of the Scout they were,
And each an hundred men did share 200
To be their guard; who some with brands,
Some with — [...].
 long Mop-staves arm'd their hands.
These 'twixt the Trench and Sconse did ly,
And there, instead of giving eye
To Foes proceedings, they began
To make huge  [...].
 fires, and ply the Kan.
But brave Atrides in his Tent,
A better Feast to th'Old men meant.
Twelve Bellarmines were first brought in,
Which he not valued of a Pin,
Nor did he reckon it as charge,
Because his quantum was so large.
Then five Neats-Tongues, ten Ducks, six Tarts,
(Drest by Cook Lawrel's cunning Arts.)
[Page 10]The Servitours on Table set,
But they'd forgot the Knives to whet.
This therefore being done, no do
Is made, but  [...].
 strait they all fall too.
But first of all, Agamemnon
Would needs begin to joak and pun.
For though his Wit was none 'oth'best,
He mainly lov'd to break a Jest.
Though you might sooner break your neck;
Yet, thus he quibled on—è feck—
' Now Gentiles, be merry as Greeks,
And think the Trojans are but Leeks;
' Though they cause water in our eyes
' They're peel'd at last—(there the Wit lies.)
' Now think not on grim Hector's wrong,
' But on a shoulder of Neat-tongue,
' A Gammon of Plum-porridge, which
' Looks so, it makes my Chaps to itch.
' Think on these Ducks for Dukes so fit;
' (Plague, there's another piece of wit;)
[Page 11]' Then on these Chines of Tart, and see
' First you thank Jove for it, then me.
' But above all think on this Bellarmine,
' And his good Brethren in Cellar-mine.
' Then say, The Devil's in't if these
' Won't make you fight like Bevis'es.
This Wit in those days seem'd good sauce,
And was extoll'd with publick voice;
When straight impatient of delay,
All with joynt force fell on the prey;
But Homer (as I'm in this place)
Ne'r mentions they said any Grace;
But presently ('cause they made haste)
Hurries them to the end of th' Feast.
And thus I think his Verses rhime—
—When  [...].
 they, to wit, the Guests had done;
And Servitours had clear'd the Table,
Nestor began a silly Fable,
(Though his advice — [...].
 before was ra­ted,
To be the best as I related,)
[Page 12]'Agamemnon-alias-Atrides,
' Whose power like your Name full wide is,
' All's for your ends that now I speak,
' Else Squire Ketch my weazen break!
' To you Jove gave both Crown and right,
' T' advise and govern folks in fight;
' And eke to terrifie your foes
' (With the bright lustre of your Nose.)
' First therefore you should speak, dear Bro­ther,
' Then condescend to hear another,
' And follow too, if he should be
' A better Counsellor than thee.
' And though your Brains, we know, are few,
' Choice of Opinions given to you;
' Because the want of a good Brain
' Is cover'd with a Golden Chain.
' But now I something utter shall,
' That seems to me the best of all.
' None can a  [...].
 better crotchet know,
' Than which is in my Noddle now,
[Page 13]' And which I evermore have had
' Since, Sir, you were so pocky mad,
' To vex Achilles, and to rob
' Him of his Wench to do your job:
' Although I  [...].—
 absolutely swore,
' You was too good for such an Wh—
' And earnestly  [...]—
 entreated you-Sir,
' To slight the Wench and not abuse-her:
' But you forsooth must be so high,
' And huff the gods None progeny;
' A man, whom all the gods (but Jove,
' Doth in particular manner) love.
' I say, you huff'd him; for you — [...]—
 have
' His prize, and keep it, like a Knave.
' But let us now a Council call,
' That we may make amends for all,
' By sending him words mild as  [...].
 Hony,
' Gloves, Ribbands, Handkerchiefs & Mony.
Atrides strait this Answer gave 'ye,
' O Gaffer, now I cry  [...] ▪
peccavi;
' All that you say is too too true,
' I'le say,—and give the Devil his due.
[Page 14]' He was, I think, one of an — [...]—
 hundred
' Of Jove's acquaintance, or his kindred;
' And Jove now (look, he cries, that speaks!)
' Hath honour'd him, and  [...].
 damn'd the Greeks.
' But seeing I've done so and so,
' It can't be otherwise you know:300
' And yet to shew unfeign'd repentance,
' I'le give him gifts, and very  [...] ▪
 gent­ones:
' Nay, you shall hear me count 'um all—
' First, he shall have a quilted Ball
' Made by fair Mab, the fairest Queen)
' The preciest rarity 'er seen.
' And then an Hat with Feather in it,
' And then a dapple Spanish Gennit;
' Seven  [...]—
 joynted-Stools spick and span new,
' And  [...].
 Silver Thimbles not a few.
' Twenty  [...].
 brass Skellets, which will serve
' To dress his meat, that he may'nt starve.
[Page 15]' Twelve grunting Pigs  [...].
, will fight for grains,
' And bring their Master in great gains:
' That man will never want for store,
' And I dare swear, will ne'r be poor,
' Whoever doth these Pigs possess,
' So fam'd for valour and success;
' Besides sometimes, I dare be bold,
' They may from Dunghils rake up Gold.
' But if these will not please him now,
' I'le give him Pigs of his own Sow:
' Seven  [...]—
 Butterwenches, which once he
' Himself from Lesbos brought to me,
' Which I, because they were so fine
' And beautiful, chose to be mine.
' All these I'le give him, and beside
'  [...].—
Briflebeard's Daughter, his own Bride,
' Which though I took from him in rally,
' I'le swear I ne'r boarded her Gally,
' Id est, to give a bounce or two,
' As  [...].
 Men and Women use to do:
[Page 16]' And here this solemn — [...].
 Oath I'le swear;
' By Garagantua's monstrous ware,
' And by Pantagruel's huge Tarse,
' And by the foistings of mine Ar—
' Nay, and I'le swear by that same Odpiece
' Of flesh, hangs dangling in Jove's Cod­piece,
' Which being us'd in Copulation,
' Makes an Heroick propagation;
' Nay, now I'm swearing I don't care,
' If I a thousand more Oaths swear.
' These things at present; but, if we
' Sack Priam's Town by Heavens decree,
' There let him take what e're he please,
' His Cabbins fill with Bread and Cheese,
' Or such substantial House-provision;
' When we shall make the Spoils division;
' And twenty pretty Whores next Helen,
' The very fairest, Troy do dwell in:
' But if to Argos we arrive,
' He shall, as sure as I'm alive,
[Page 17]' Be made my Son in Law, and share
' An equal love with mine own Heir,
' Mine only Son, the Wag Orestes,
' Who  [...].
 eats and drinks whatever best is.
' I've three Girls brisk as Body-louse,
' Remaining in my well-thatch'd — [...]
 House;
' Rebecca, Susan, Katharine,
' The loveliest Mopsies, e'r were seen;
' These (let him take 'um all together,
' Or which he will, I care not whether,)
' Sha'nt cost a farthing; rather I
' My Daughters dowry will amplifie
' To such a sum, I lay a bet,
' None  [...].
 ever gave his Daughter yet.
' And here's her Portion, I'le unfold
' One Pewter-plate of Guiney-Gold,
' A Cloak, the glory of our House,
' That scarce will entertain a Louse,
' Deriv'd through many a Generation
' From Jove, yet never out of fashion.
[Page 18]' A rare pinckt-Doublet made of Silk,
' As white (all but three spots) as milk;
' Which the rough Courtier, Her'cles, wore,
' When he woo'd Omphale, that Wh—
' I had the Breeches too; but they
' Being mortal, now are worn away.
' And truly how could they hold stich
' Long, against such a thwacking breech,
' As Herc'les had, which made the Skies
' Themselves to bow, when he did rise.
' A pair of good Stockings to boot,
' Only a little out of foot;
' One pair of Sheets, which on my life
' Were given by Juno to my Wife;
' And seven brave Towns I'le likewise add,
' As special Towns as may be had;
' There's Bernewel (let me see) and Kinton
' The fruitful ground of Cherry-Hinton:
' Cophotia, where your deaf men dwell,
' Nullum, where Honesty men sell;
[Page 19]' Nihil, where Women all are chast,
' And Amsterdam shall be the last.
' These Towns (d'ye see) may all be found
' Either above, or under-ground;
' Besides, they're full of folks that will
' Esteem him very highly still;
' And reckon him as good a fellow,
' As Scanderbeg or Punchanello, 400
' Refusing  [...].
 not their Tithes to pay:
' All this I'le give, if hee'l but lay
' His Bladders, put so. Passion, by the figure of what do ye call it.
 bladders down; let him not be
' Too peremptory, for we see
' The Devil, — [...].
 because no Prayers move him,
' No gods nor men for guts can love him.
' And let him first make good demeanor,
' Because he knows, I am his  [...].
 Senior.
' And 'cause my — [...].
 Kingships more than his,
' Or else perhaps I'd first seek Peace:
' For what car'd I for Tom, or Rafe,
' Or all the World, if Fame's not safe.
[Page 20]' I'ld rather Earth's vast Globe unhoop,
' Than leave Pantofles first to stoop.
When thus Atrides had come off,
Nestor, though troubled with the Cough,
Made shift this Answer to express:
' O flower of perfect Nobleness,
' Thou only bud of Honours tree,
' (Or else Whoresbud, all's one to me)
' Your  [...]—
 tokens are so fragrant sweet,
' None would * refuse such dainty meat.
' Then let's the  [...]—
 cleanest Jips select,
' (Cleanest to shew the more respect)
' Whom we may send to' Achilles Tent,
' And I'le declare Sans Complement
' Their Names—(Cough hinders speak­ing faster)
' First Phoenix, and Achilles Master,
' Then Ajax, then Ʋlysses brave,
' These men (though one's a filching knave,
' Th'other a fool, the third a clown,)
' I judge the fi [...]e [...]s;t in the Town:
[Page 21]But for the Cryers (A plague rot 'um)
Ten groats to one, but I'd forgot 'um,
There Mr.  [...]—
Oddy, an odd man,
(Like Oddy the Antinomian,
' That in the Learned Town of Cambridge
' Preaches and brawls like Belman Bam­bridge,
' For the Good cause, or Zealous fellow.)
' And — [...]—
Broadbatt, of complexion yel­low—
' But water bring without delay,
' And cease your chatt, while we all pray.
' Off'ring Jove Water 'steed of Wine,
' That he would favour this design.
This said, he pleas'd 'um special well,
But strait to work the Cryers fell;
And brought fair water, which, when they
Had wash'd their hands, they gave away
For a Drink-offering unto Jove,
Because they did not Water love;
And therefore, as we may divine,
Only themselves did bowze the Wine;
[Page 22]Which (when they could no drop per­ceive)
In moderation they did leave;
And now more valiant than before,
Fearless bid  [...]—
 Porter open door.
When — [...].
 Greencoat Hostler Nestor told 'um,
(Thinking by  [...].
 nods t'instruct and mold 'um)
A many things, but chiefly 'Lysses,
To whom he made some such speech as this is,
' Only to use all means he coo'd,
' To move Achilles for his blood.
They to the Sea-shoar then repair,
Making to Neptune a long Prayer;
And kneeling down far off from Dover,
They run their Ave Maries over,
Begging in anguish of their Spirit
For Thetis (take not their own merit)
That they without all hurt or danger
Might mitigate Achilles Anger;
[Page 23]But after that these warlike Dons
Were come to th'Camp of Myrmidons,
Who first (d'ye think) they found by stray­ing,
But the great Rogue Achilles, [...].
 playing
On an old rotten Fiddle, made
By a great Artist in his Trade,
Eetion, [...].
 whom Achilles slew
To gain his Fiddle, when 'twas new.
Twas once well-strung (as men are feign­ing)
But now had but one string remaining,
On which he'ld harp perpetually,
And learn to sing his Ballads by;
Or if you crost him in his humor,
No Injury could raise such tumor.
'Twould make him puff, and pout, and tear,
And flownce like Horse of my Lord Mayor;
And therefore Authors write, he plaid
Only, that's passion might be laid.
While there  [...].
Patroclus stood before him,
Laughing, and making horns at's roaring;
[Page 24]And  [...].
 to himself cry'd Ha—ha—haw,
Still watching, lest Achilles saw—
But our Don Pedro's on proceed.
While  [...]lysses call'd himself Nemo in Poliphemus's Cave. Vid. the Se­cond Part of this, or the Odyss. lib. 9.
Nemo doth the Vanguard lead,
'Chilles was singing at their entrance
The Ballad of the London— [...].
Prentice.
Then they stood near the stout Musician,
Not doubting of his good condition;
And clapping him o'th' back full sudden,
Cry'd, what's Achilles turn'd Jack-pudden?
Achilles something at a stand,
Leapt from his stool with Harp, a Poe­tical word for Fiddle.
 Harp in hand
(As some averr) more than a mile:
If so, he quickly did recoyl,
Else how a Devil should the sence
Be prov'd, that just proceeds from hence?
Then arch  [...].
Patroclus left his—haw,
When he these Strangers coming saw;
Whom griping by the trusty Paw,
Achilles kindly thus saluted;
' Your welcom, Sirs, sha'nt be disputed,
[Page 25]' For you're my Friends, whence you may gather,
' You're all as welcom as my Father.
' Among the Greeks I count you Brothers,
' Although I care not much for th'others.
This said, Achilles— [...].
 further treats 'um,
And in a  [...].
 matted-Chamber, seats 'um
On wicker-Chairs; cushions of Grease,
Or Grecian Cushions, which you please,
All stuck with Pins, (that fashion now
Would seem a little odd, I trow.)
Then to Patroclus thus did say,
' Bring the great Pitcher  [...]
sans delay,
' And fill it full of Bottle  [...]—
 Beer,
' And bring a Cup for each man here  [...]
,
' T'avoid all slobbering or infection,
' And bring the best at my direction;
' Be sure you neither spare nor save,
' For they're the lovingest Friends I have.
Patroclus first brought in for Cheer,
Tobacco, Candles, Pipes, and Beer;
[Page 26]And after that, at Friends desire,
He set a Pipkin  [...].
 on the fire,
And minc'd some Mutton in it small,
With Veal and Pork, and Bread and all.
Antomedon [...]—
 did hold the dish,
And great Achilles [...].
 had his wish
To cut the meat; while sitting nigher
His friend Patroclus [...].
 blew the fire.
Then on the Coals a Gridiron squats,
And on the Gridiron he broyl'd Sprats.
When they were done without least fault,
He like a Cook the Sprats did salt.
Then placing on the Table, Bread
In fine wrought-Baskets, Grace he said;
While on each Trencher great Pelides,
(Whose mouth than Billinsgate more wide is,)
Was pleas'd to lay an equal share,
Though something more he meant to spare
For his own self, which he deserv'd,
Because himself at Table serv'd.
Then, seeing what at bottom stuck,
'Cry'd, I am content with Pipkin-luck.
[Page 27]At this—he squats  [...].
 his heavy Bum
On th' other side the Dining-room,
Before Ʋlysses; but the thump
He gave the form with brawny Rump,
Made podex stink; which being hot,
Fir'd off a clever Volley-shot.
Then Ajax lifting up his Bowl,
Cry'd out, Gramercy foisting Soul.
Ʋlysses pledg'd, and swore, That Fart
Was token of a valiant heart.
But Phoenix, if he farts no faster,
(Said) he would never match his Master.
This was the Table-talk; but strait
Achilles interrupts the Chat,
And bids Patroclus [...].
 sacrifice
The rest unto the Deities.
But had not Jove well-din'd that day,
He might have fasted, Authors say,
For all the meat Achilles gave him.
Though he desir'd him to save him
Some Cheshire-Cheese, yet he forsooth
Sav'd nothing worth Jove's licorish-tooth.
[Page 28]Thus then they eat, and when they'd done
(Their Teeth now still) their Tongues should run:
But first Hence there may be cause to suspect that History, how the Lydians invented Cards in a Famine. Here likewise Chronologers may observe, That this Em­bassie was a­bout Christmas, and so by con­ferring may better deter­mine the time when Hector was slain, which hath not a [...] yet been exactly found— [...].
 a Pack of Cards was lay'd
Upon the Table, so they play'd
At Langtre-loo (else Fame's a liar)
For Pins; but after ventur'd higher;
And (that I may not lack a Rhime)
Play'd for a Farthing every time.
But when their stock was Loo'd away,
They huff'd, and would no longer play,
Calling Achilles, Cheat and Gull,
And Nincompoop, and Hawk-nos'd Owl;
But when they'd scolded bellies full,
First, Ajax [...].
 bobd Phoenix o'th' Nose,
And he trod on Ʋlysses Toes;
The sign being known, that subtle Rogue
Filling a bowl, did thus collogue,
' Hail Great Achilles, now I'bserve
' We scarce shall in three hour starve:
' Such plenty, (Jove be thank'd and you)
' (Often at home) now here I view.
[Page 29]' Yet 'tis not Especially now his belly was full.
 Feasting we much matter,
' But Oh! our eyes run down with water.
' And with sad hearts our Captains whine,
' As fearing Fates have some design
' Against our weal, and Faith we doubt
' Whether our Boats will 'scape this bout,
' Or perish; but should you appear,
' (Your This he speaks softly, or else Achilles had more Nose than Brains to take such a Crowder.
 plaguy Nose) we should not fear.
' The Trojans and their strength Auxiliary,
' Have planted so their fierce Artillery,
' Against our Bulwarks, and so near
' Our Camp their Bonfires do appear,
' Youl'd think both Parties but one Host,
' And they themselves do make their boast.
' That now all 'pedements are — [...].
 gone,
' They'l fall upon our bones anon.
' Jove so assists the Puppies still,
' And claps them on the back to ill,
' Crying, Go on, brave Boys, I say,
' If Jove's for you, ne'r doubt the Day.
' On which fierce Hector so relies,
' He scorns both Men and Deities.
[Page 30]' And — [...]
 staring like a new-stuck Pig,
' Speaks words, and acts things mighty big.
' And (being Horn-mad) with direful freaks,
' He vents his furies on the Greeks.
' And only now wishes broad-day,
' Wherein he will (as he doth say)
' Cut off our Lighters Noses, and
' Then fiz their Tail with Firebrand;
' And slaughter at his will the Greeks,
' Being smoak'd like Onions, or dry'd Leeks.
' These apprehensions make me quake,
' Lest these foul threats effect should take.
' And so alas! 't should prove our fate,
' To die in Troy, when 'tis too late
' Home to return; but Sir, if you
' Will but one favour for us do,
' Rise up and shew your self a man,
' Then let the Rogues do what they can.
' But if too late you chance to aid us,
' And chowse the Trojans that invade us.
' What pleasure will those dead-men do,
' Whose very sight will make one spue?
[Page 31]' When an ill's done, none can prevent it,
' But he's the man that first can stint it.
' Therefore my pretty Bully-rock,
' Advise, how you may soonest knock
' Your Foes all down, and drive away
' From Grecian Fleet their fatal day.
' My precious  [...].
 Pipin, sure your Sire
' Did better thoughts that time inspire,
' When from  [...]
Pyecorner he did send
' You, Agamemnon to attend.
' Dear Chuck (quoth he) ne'r doubt suc­cess,
' Pallas and Juno will express
' Their Love to you; yet make no Riot,
' But keep your surly Spirits quiet.
' Hony you know's sweeter than Gall,
' And Complaisance is lov'd by all.
' Therefore no strife nor quarrels brew,
' The Devil take you, if you do.
' Thus spake, the Cuckold, I remember,
' But you forget his Precepts tender.
[Page 32]' And yet, if you will leave your wrath,
' And keep your puffing for your broth,
' Atrides, like a Civil friend,
' Proffers fine Giggumbobs to send;
' And if you will but lend an Ear,
' I'le tell you every word (as near
' As I remember) which he sed
' Last night, before he went to bed;
' In presence of this learned Cabal,
' And many Persons more of Qual­ity:—And first before them all
' He promis'd you For the Commentaries on this Speech, turn to Aga­mennon's Ora­tion above, where  [...] signifies Silver Thimbles,  [...], Grunt­ing Pigs,  [...], Brislebeard's Daughter, &c.
 a quilted Ball;
' And then an Hat with Feather in it,
' And eke a dapple Spanish Gennit;
' Seven joynted Stools, spick and span new,
' And Silver Thimbles, not a few.
' Twenty brass Skellets, which will serve
' To dress your meat, that you mayn't starve.
' Twelve grunting Pigs, will fight for Grains,
' And bring their Masters in much gains;
[Page 33]' That man will never want for store,
' And he dare swear will ne'r be poor,
' Whoever do these Pigs possess,
' So fam'd for Valour and Success.
' Besides, sometimes (as we were told)
' They may from Dunghils rake up Gold.
' But, if these will not please yòu now,
' He'll give you Pigs of your own Sow.
' Seven Butter-Wenches, which from Les­bos
' You brought, being Victor at the Cross­bows;
' Which he, because so fair he knew them,
' Chose out to do, aliàs undo, them.
' All these he'll give you, and beside
' Breslebeards Daughter, your own Bride,
' Which though he took from you in rally,
' He'll swear he ne'r boarded her Gally,
' Id est, to give a bounce or two,
' As Men and Women us'd to do.
' And truly in most solemn habit,
' I think he swore his whole Alph-abet.
[Page 34]' Then thus proceeded; But if we
' Sack Priam's Town by Heavens decree,
' There you may take what e're you please,
' Your Cabbins fill with Bread and Cheese,
' Or such substantial House-provision;
' When we shall make the Spoils division;
' And twenty Captives you'l enjoy,
' Next Helen, the bouncing'st Jade in Troy.
' But if to Argos you arrive,
' He vows you shall, (as he's alive)
' Be made his Son in Law, and share
' An equal love with his own Heir,
' That young Arch-bastard, Wag Orestes,
' Who eats and drinks whatever best is.
' He'as three Girls, brisk as Body-louse,
' Remaining in his well-thatch'd House;
' Rebecca, Susan, Katharine,
' The loveliest Mopsies, e'r were seen;
' Those (though you take'um all together,
' Or which you will, he cares not whether)
' Sha'nt cost a farthing; rather he
' His Daughters dowry will amplifie
[Page 35]' To such a sum, he'll lay a bet,
' None ever gave his Daughter yet.
' And here's her Portion, as he told,
' A Pewter-plate of Guiney-Gold,
' A Cloak, the glory of his House,
' That scarce will entertain a Louse,
' (For so it is made by art Ma-gick,
' No Louse comes on't but breaks it neck.)
' And though 'tis brought by old Tradi­tion
' From Jove, 'tis still in good condition.
' Next a pinkt-Doublet, made of Silk,
' As white (all but three spots) as milk,
' Which the blunt Courtier Herc'les wore
' Each day he went to see a Wh—
' A pair of good Stockings to boot,
' Only a little out at foot.
' One pair of Sheets, which on his life
' Were given by Juno to his Wise.
' Nay seven brave Towns he'll likewise add,
' As special Towns as may be had;
[Page 36]' Barnwel the Rogue put first, then Kyn'­ton,
' Then the fat fields of Cherry-Hinton.
' Cophotia, where your Deaf men dwell;
' Nullum, where Honesty men sell;
' Nihil, where Women most are chast,
' And Amsterdam I'm sure was last.
' These Towns, he'll warrant, may be found
' Either above or under-ground;
' Besides they're full of Clowns, that will
' Esteem you very highly still,
' And reckon you as good a fellow
' As Scanderbeg, or Punchanello,
' Refusing not Cherries to pay;
' All these he'll give, if you'll but lay
' Your bladders down; but if so much is
' The passion of your private grutches;
' Yet let the Greeks publick Calamity
' Infect Ulysses here is so far from affectation, that he pur­posely mi­stakes the word Affect.
 your mind with noble clemency;
' Then they (be sure) will cry you up,
' Famous for fight, and eke for Cup.
[Page 37] ▪ And justly too, cause you so well
▪ Can conquer Foes, and Flaggons quell:
▪ But being tipled well with Nectar,
▪ You  [...]—
 cannot miss of mawling Hector;
▪ For he'll come running to your Nose,
▪ And call you Dastard, I suppose,
▪ As often he would do to mad us,
' Come up and fling huge Cow-turds at us▪
' In rage and fury, thinking we
' Should dread those acts of Chevalry.
Thus spake the Saepè dici­tur apud Hom.
 Many-troped wight,
But he that better was for  [...]—
 flight
Than fight, God-wot, this Answer gave
' Diogenes, [...].
 to play the Knave.
' Being not honest, I intend,
' Not to equivocate with friend:
' But all my mind in down right sense,
' As I resolv'd to do long, since
' I hate that man as I hate the  [...] &c.
 Devil,
' Whoever should be so uncivil
' To speak one thing, another thinking,
' And eke I hate nodding and winking;
[Page 38]' Or any such unlawful means
' That hide mens thoughts, as shells hide Beans.
' Therefore to bring you to conclusion,
' I'le tell you straight my resolution,
' Atride will be an exc'lent man
' For Rhet'rick, if so soon he can
' Move me to fight, when lately ('Slid)
' I had no thanks for what I did.
' I see now, he rewards alike,
' Both them that fly and them that strike;
' And cause himself's a Coward, I ween
' He honours Cowards, like Warlike men.
' If here they any difference have,
' Be sure they're both alike in Grave;
' For Captains there no longer fight,
' Nor Cowards for fear themselves besh—
' Yet I that won such spoils, of  [...]—
 gain­ing,
' Have not one six-pence now remaining;
' Only of Prizes, great and many,
' I now have left but one Mill-penny;
[Page 39]' Although for them I much endur'd,
' And only was by heels secur'd.800
' Ev'n as a Bitch  [...].
 that feeds her Whelps
' Doth starve her self, while them she helps,
' Thus I have sometime watcht all night,
' Drawing Indentures for their right;
' And bloody daies in battel past,
' To bring 'um back their Whores at last;
' And with a few small Bean-shell Boats
' Have won twelve Towns worth thrice twelve groats;
' Nay with my Infantry, I think,
' Have made 'leven Trojan Towns to stink,
' And all that ever thence I plunder'd
' (Not keeping one my self 'ith'hundred)
' I gave Atride, he to content ye,
' Where he gave — [...].
 one thing, kept back twenty;
' Yet he some Tokens, I conceive,
' For the Knights and Aldermen did leave,
[Page 40]' And they still have them, only I
' Must lose my prize and my Pigsny,
' In whose fine Smock, enwrapt before,
' I us'd to sleep all night, and snore.
' Pray tell me why the Grecians fight,
' Why did Atrides so excite
' All Greece to War? pray, was it not
' Cause Paris pist in's Brothers Pot?
' Was it not Helen to recover,
' And does he think there is no  [...].
 Lo­ver,
' Will fight and huff for's Concubine,
' Besides those two of Atrea's Line?
' I'll warrant there is no such fool,
' But loves his Wench with all his Tool;
' As I for love of her do bleed,
' Though — [...].
 she's a Kitchin-wench in­deed,
' But now because he's took my prize,
' And plays the Rogue, and tells me Lies;
' Let me not think to coax me so,
' I'll not be gull'd twice, will I, no.
[Page 41]' But Master Roger, good Ʋlysses,
' With you and the Mayors of other Ci­ties,
' Let him consult, and valiantly
' Bethwack the bones of th'Enemy
' (Which I ne'r think he'll bring to pass)
' Or tell him, he may kiss mine Ar—
' Without mine help he hath already
' Done many things; first he hath Edi­fi'd a great Wall of Mortar micle,
' Temper'd with Dung and Fasting-spittle.
' And that being guarded by his Beadles,
' He'th made a Trench all stuck with Needles,
Hobnails, Sparrables, Coblars-Awls,
' Nettles, and Hooks from Butcher-stalls;
' And round the Camp, (oh brave perse­verance!)
' He'th made a Moat full of Sir-Reve­rence,
' Yet all these Warlike  [...].
 prepara­tions
' Cannot resist Hector's Invasions.
[Page 42]' But when I fought — [...].
 my self, Ai! marry Son,
' Hector durst never leave his Garrison.
' And never did I think much more,
' Than fling out Piss-pots from the door;
' Pelt us sometimes with rotten — [...]
 Figs,
' Or Coals to burn our Periwigs.
' One time my scolding prov'd so tart,
' It vext the Rogue to th' very heart,
' And made him snatch his Cudgels up
' Vowing revenge  [...]
 before he'ld sup.
' But when he saw no huffs would shake me,
' He * fled, and bid the Devil take me.
' And then for joy I gave a shout
' Though late I lookt like any Clout.
' But now because to fight I scorn,
' When Breakfast's done to morrow morn,
' As soon as ever Sluggards peep
' I'll launch my Boats into the deep.
' You'll see them ride on th' Hellespont,
' And men a rowing, as they are wont.
[Page 43]' But, if Winds favour on my word-a,
' We'll in Pyecoyner sup the third day.
' There I left many things together,
' When (with a — [...]
 Pox) I first came hi­ther;
' But hence my Silver, Gold, and Brass,
' With many an handsom juicy Lass,
' I'll carry home—with all my Cop­per, and set up a Brasiers Shop.
' But that same knave, that gave a thing
To make the Devil a Gold-ring,
' (Which is a Proverb Poets feign,
' That means to give, and take again.)
' Pray tell that Villain all I say
' Aloud, and plainly at broad-day;
' That all the Grecians may defie him,
' Whoever have been chowsed by him.
' A Brazen Rascal! though he be
' So bold, he dare not look on me.
' Ev'n as he brews so let him bake,
' For I no more his part will take.
[Page 44]' Once on me he hath put a trick,
' But shall no more; Well—well— [...]
 Old Nick
' Will once reward him for his pains,
' For Jove hath took away his brains.
' I scorn his gifts, though rich and rare (man)
' And look upon him as a — [...]
 Carman.900
' Nay, though he gave thirty times more
' Than what he has, or had before,
' Or all the wealth that Orchomene,
' Or the Egyptian Thebes contain,
' In which (as Stories say of old)
' The Chamber-floors are pav'd with Gold,
' Diamonds are there no precious gems,
' But lie like Pebbles in the Tems.
' This City hath an hundred Gates,
' Emboss'd about with costly Plates,
' And each one hath two hundred Warri­ours,
' (That learn to ride and fight at Barri­riours)
[Page 45]' Nay, though his Presents should exceed
' The numerous Vermin he doth breed;
' Yet I sha'nt love Agamemnon
' Till to black Harry he be gone.
' But for Atrides greasie Daughter,
' Shee'l hardly make my Chaps to water.
' No,—though as chast as Venus she,
' As rank a Scold as Xantip-pe;
' Yet I'll not have her, let him take
' Some tatter'd Rogue his Son to make;
' For if I e'r my Country see,
' My Dad himself shall marry me;
' For about Snowhil and those quarters,
' And near Pyecorner, good mens Daugh­ters
' There are, some  [...].
 Aldermens, and others
' Whose Sires are 'Squires, Whores their Mothers.
' Of these the prettiest I will take,
' And her my fitting — [...].
 Doxy make;
' Fitting ('cause, as they love Mankind,
' So I to Women am inclin'd.)
[Page 46]' Thus we two, jig and jole together,
' Will live on what's left by my Father;
' For troth I think it no good Polity
' To die in Troy, and leave this jollity;
' And  [...].
 faith I count my life worth more
' Than ever London was before
' The Fire; and have more pleasure in't
' Than all th' Exchequer, or the Mint.
' For lose an  [...]
 Ox, Horse, Sheep, and yet
' You may again those Creatures get;
' Nay you may, when you lose a  [...]—
 Stool,
' Find it again, if you're no fool:
' But lose your life, and I dare swear,
' When once it's whiskt into the Air
' You'll ne'r regain it; though, when you're dead,
' You search (like The story may be seen at large in Cambridge Jests, which may be Achil­les was vers'd in, to drive away his soli­tude.
 Carpenter) for head.
' My Mother, when I did importune,
' Being a Witch, once told  [...]—
 my fortune,
' That of two fates I should have choice,
' And thus she strain'd her squeaking voice;
[Page 47]' If you go to the Wars at Troy,
' There is no remedy, my Boy,
' But you must die; whence you may ga­ther,
' You'll ne'r go home to see your Fa­ther.
' Which must be true I'll lay a flagon,
' 'Cause Mars is in a fiery Trigon.
' But if you quarrel with no Trojan,
' But homeward to your Country budge­on,
' Then I by Magick can relate,
' You will go home in spite of Fate.
' But Homer then shall never know ye,
' And so no Fame at all bestow ye;
' And yet your lack of Fame shall be
' Rewarded in an high degree
' By a long-life, because you shall
' (If you ne'r die) not die at all.
' This is as sure as any Club,
' (Jove keeps the Prophecy in's fob)
[Page 48]' As Astrologer-heads suppose,
' 'Cause Saturn now doth Mars oppose,
' 'Cause Mercury's an Independent,
' And Sol the ruler of th' Ascendant;
' And Venus (one that so much known is)
' Is Dildo'd by Cauda Draconis—
' Which signifies, one way or other,
' All these great things foretold by Mother.
' This is the real cause, my Friends,
' Why I wo'nt fight, ev'n mine own ends.
' And I would likewise counsel you
' To be as wise as I am too,
' And homewards sail; for all your pow­ers
' Will ne'r shake Iliam's Past-board Tow­ers;
' Jove doth the People so uphold,
' And makes them every day more bold.
' But good men Dories, I exhort
' You to your Greek Lords would resort,
' And tell  [...]—
 you Message, adding yet
' The Messengers are all besh—
[Page 49]' (Be that — [...].
 an honour fit for Jips)
' And tell 'um they may gather Chips,
' If they no better can devise
' To save their stinking meat from Flies;
' For sure, consounded dull they be,
' To think their Gifts can alter me.
' Well, Sirs, good night—but Phoenix may
' Lodge here, that at the break of day
' We may sail home; I'll not compel,
' But if hel'l go with us, 'tis well.[1000]
This said, the rest like Fish stood mute,
Knowing 'twas folly to dispute;
Or else they had no Logick read,
Or Fear had made them almost dead;
But th' Old man Phoenix with Sore-eyes
Seeming to  [...]—
 weep, at last did rise,
And thus in doleful manner speaks,
(Being it seems sworn friend to Greeks)
' If then, Achilles, you prepare
' For home, pray travel through the Air.
' By Land you cannot, and by Sea
' Sure you'll not go, deserting me—
[Page 50]' Yes, but you'll go—and don't intend;
' The Boats from burning to defend,
' Because such wrath burns in your mind,
' And I forsooth must stay behind,
' How can you  [...].
 Child, find in your heart
' From your old Paedagogue to part,
' Whom your nown Dad unto you sent
' That day you with Atrides went.
' Went like a  [...]
 fool, for you knew no­thing,
' But just to put on your own Cloathing.
' You little knew the  [...].
 Warlike fashion,
' And scarce could make a  [...]—
 Declamation,
' Till I shew'd you by Topicks right,
' How to make Speeches, and to fight.
' And taught you many Arts and Tricks,
' As Grammar, Tacticts, Politicks;
' Then Cards, with Fox and Geese, and then
' The Science of Legerdemain;
' In which, because you had small wit,
' I'll not  [...]
 so soon forsake you yet.
[Page 51]' No, though some Deity  [...]
 would swear,
' He would my dancing-days repair,
' And make me such a sanguine Lad
' As when through Greece I run from Dad,
' (Scolding Amyntor, that — [...].
 Whore-Master)
' I think the Devil could scarce run faster,
' But 'cause you ne'r have heard the story,
' If you'll attend here I ha't for ye.
' Once on a season (to be short)
' My Father kept a Whore for sport;
' And so my Mother quite neglected,
' For he the other Whore respected.
' But then my Mother 'mong hard stones,
' Fell down upon her Marrow-bones;
' And — [...].
 beg'd that I, (she knew I had 'um)
' Would give a clap unto this Madam,
' She was a pretty Girl, 'tis truth,
' In flower of beauty and of youth;
' And thereupon I ne'r deny'd it,
' But having won her, quickly did it.
[Page 52]' My Dad renewing his old knocks,
' Now being ancient, got the P—
' And soon perceiving his condition
' He swore hee'ld be the Maids perdition,
' If she conceal'd her secrets longer:
' Then she confess'd, 'twas I that wrong'd her.
' I heard at Stair-foot all she se'd,
' And softly then advanc't my head;
' Where he though pissing soon beheld me,
' And almost with the Piss-pot fell'd me.
' But when he saw me 'scape that bout,
' In direful Curses he burst out;
' Invok't Hell, Fiends,  [...].
 Furies toge­ther,
' And wish'd my Testicles might wither;
' That none might from Man Tomas spring,
' 'Cause he had done so foul a thing.
' But Pluto and damn'd Proserpine,
' Deaf to good Prayers, did soon incline
' To all his devilish Curses, and
' I never since could make it st—
[Page 53]' The thought whereof so troubled me,
' That every where I seem'd to see
' The Ghost of Bob with dreadful vi­sage,
' To threaten me for its hard usage.
' One time I dream'd, a multitude
' Of Maids and Women we pursu'd;
' Like Thracian Tom-boys, who did tear
' Orpheus, because hee'd cut off's Ware
' In hate of female Venery,
' E'r since hee'd lost Eurydice.
' And truly they had torn me too,
' If I had not got a Dildoe;
' Which 'cause I was so slight a Dogger,
' Methought they took it for true Roger.
' These Ver­ses in Greek, though they are rejected by Aristarchus, as of bad Ex­ample, you shall find in Plut. de audi­end. Poet. be­ginning thus,  [...], &c.
 Next Morn I thought it no great mat­ter,
' If I should kill th'Old fornicator;
' But that in midst of furious scope
' I look'd at th'end and saw a—Rope.
' Then  [...]—
 how to flie I cast about,
' But Friends would ne'r let me go out;
[Page 54]' But us'd me very well, it should seem,
' With Sugar-sops, with Curds and Cream,
' Cordials, and Diar-bread and Figs,
' And Ginger-bread, and Cakes and Whigs.
' Thinking perhaps with such choice diet
' To stop my mouth, and make me quiet;
' And ever, when I had well fed,
' Twelve Maids conducted me to Bed.
' Thus I nine nights was forc't to sleep,
' Whilst they by turns  [...]—
 strict watch did keep.
' And all the while there stood a Torch
' At — [...].
 Chamber-door, 'nother in Porch;
' But for all this on the tenth night,
' The Maids being gone, it seems, to sh—
' I drest my self, and in a sury
' Broke op' the Doors, I will assure ye,
' And Bread and Cheese with other food-in
' My pockets cram'd, and some Black-pud­den;
' Then leaping o're the Garden-wall
' I scap'd the Men, and Maids and all.
[Page 55]' There, through the Country I did creep
' Unto  [...].
Pyecorner fam'd for Sheep;
' Where the Cook Peleus took me in,
' And said that I was of his Kin.
' Much of me as his Son he made,
' And kindly taught me all his Trade.
' And when that I was better grown,
' He gave to me a Shop of m'own;
' Where I liv'd in Cook-Laurel's Art
' Betwixt the — [...].
Dolphin and the Hart;
' And there my Child I nurtur'd thee
' And lov'd, because thou lov'dst me;
' And never couldst endure a seat
' With any, but my self at meat.
' Nor would a standing-Stool serve thee,
' But thou must sit upon my knee;
' And dandled there, I must forsooth
' Adapt each Morsel to thy Tooth;
' But yet to tell you, Sir, the truth,
' After your Guts full well were cram'd,
' Your Belly-sluce being unramm'd
[Page 56]' Out would the morsels fly amain,
' And to the Plates retire again.
' Nay, and sometimes taking a nap,
' You'ld spew a Gallon  [...].
 in my lap.
' All this I've overgone for you,
' And many other hardships too.
' Hoping, because I had no Child,
' That you (but lo! how I'm beguild)
' Should be the Heir to my possessions,
' And take my part on all occasions.
' Dear 'Chilles therefore cease your ire,
' The gods themselves (I am no Liar)
' Though sometimes vext with Mortal men,
' Are very quickly friends agen.
' And gods are better (sure) than you,
' And of more fame and vertue too.
' Yet men with Vows, Spanish Tobacco  [...]—
' Good meat, and other things they lack-o.
' May all their fury mitigate;
' Nay, though a man prevaricate.
[Page 57]' If he but prays for absolution
' They'll give it him without delusion;
' For Pray'rs from Jove derive their race,
' Lame  [...].
 Jades with Pockholes in their face;
' With furrow'd Cheeks and purblind Eyes,
' Yet heal all mischief, whence they rise;
' Mischief's  [...]—
 a lusty strapping Lass,
' So nimble, she doth Pray'rs surpass
' In running, skips ye here and there,
' Still brooding Trouble every where.
' But if Pray'rs follow, then be sure,
' What ever wound was made, they cure,
' And heal the hurt Offenders have
' With Chamber-lye and Pilgrim-salve;
' Salt-liquor of their goggle Eyes,
' And other wondrous remedies.
' Now they love men of good Conditi­ons,
' And always grant 'um their Petitions:
' But when Folks obstinate remain,
' They to their Grandsire Jove complain;
[Page 58]' And pray that he would mischief send 'um,
' That by foul means he may amend 'um.
' Then Sir John 'Chilles don't deny
' To honour Pray'rs (Joves Progeny)
' Who when they do a good man see,
' Who knows not their deformity,
' ('Cause good men usually are 'Tis thought Homer spoke this for his own sake.
 blind)
' Are ne'r deny'd a favour kind.
' Had now Atrides sent me store
' Of Presents, nor had promis'd more;
' But had he still with wrath been fir'd,
' I should not then have you desir'd
' To cool your Passion, nor to help
' The Greeks for love of such a Whelp.
' But since that he hath sent you some
' Gifts, and hath promis'd more to come;
' Nay, and hath sent the best  [...].
 Lol­poops
' Selected from the Grecian Troops.
' Humbly t'implore you, such, I say,
' With whom, when young, you us'd to play.
[Page 59]' Let not their Speech and Journey too
' Prove vain; then none shall e're blame you
' For former Pettishness, but be
' Glad for this present Courtesie.
' And now I think on't I can tell
' Stories of Hero's that befell;
' When, though in Passion they were wit­ty,
' And for great Bribes were mov'd to pi­ty.1200
' But one, I never shall forget,
' Which my Old Granny would repeat,
' When in her turn she told a Tale
' In Christmas time o're Pot of Ale.
' And thus the business, Sir, was wrought,
' The  [...]—
Cowards and the Wittols fought
' Near Haledon, till on each side
' All that were slain, in Battel dy'd.
' The Wittols Caledon defended;
' Cowards to burn it down intended.
[Page 60]' And thus the quarrel did begin;
' Diana for Old Oeneus's sin
' (For at the time of Sacrifice
' He gave to all the Deities;
' But as for poor Diana, she
' Could not obtain from him her Fee.
' Whether he did forget  [...].
 profoundly,
' Or would not give, he paid for't sound­ly)
' For this, I say, being vext at guts,
' A Boar into his ground she puts;
' Who rent up Trees, devour'd his fruits,
' And spoil'd a pair of Oeneus's Boots.
' Against this Boar stout Meleager
' Went, with a This story Homer hath a little other­wise; but this being found in the Vatican, among Melea­ger's M. S. which he might confess at his death, I take it to be more authen­tick here.
 Pistol and a Dagger;
' And dogging him about, at last
' Lockt him in's Father's Stable fast.
' Then to the door our Warriour comes,
' 'Tempting the Boar with both his Thumbs.
' Boar, in revenge of such a scoff,
' Ne'r doubted now to bite 'um off.
[Page 61]' And so snaps at 'um, he ne'r lingers,
' But claps in Pistol 'stead of fingers.
' Off went the pop, but you may guess
' The Boar ne'r eat so hot a mess;
' And therefore feeling belly grumble
' Kickt up his heels, and 'gan to tum­ble.
' He knowing dead-Dogs will not grin,
' With Tuck in hand boldly went in.
' And then he said he kill'd the Boar,
' Though, as I shew'd, 'twas done before.
' He therefore now doth tear his Breech­es,
' And almost cracks his Twatling stitches.
' Sprinkling himself with blood of Foe,
' And vap'ring thus, to th' rest doth go,
' Whom he had left a League behind,
' (Waiting till he the Beast might find)
' And shews his Breeches and the gore,
' All which he swears was done by Boar:
' But then to shew how well he sped,
' From under Cloak he pulls the Head;
[Page 62]' And told the Folks, how void of fears
' They now might shake the Boar by th' Ears.
' In short, the quarrel here  [...]—
 was bred
' About the Boar, and's rotten Head;
' The Wittols said, the Skin was meant
' To be the Cowards Tegument.
' To whom the Cow'rds reply'd again,
' T was well for them the Boar was slain;
' 'Cause from his Head they might by stealth
' Pick Brains, for use of Commonwealth.
' These words fore-runners were of blows,
' Whence both these Parishes prov'd foes.
' Now to the story; While Meleager
' Did in this battle fight and swagger,
' The Cowards ever went to rack,
' And though full many, still gave back.
' But when Meleager 'gan great scuffles,
' And needs would stand on his Pantofles,
' (This mischief all from Choler rose)
' He gave great 'vantage to his Foes.
[Page 63]' For being vext at Mother's strife,
' He kept within doors with his Wife;
' Fair Maid, the Daughter of  [...]—
Mare­piss,
' And Gran-daughter, if I don't miss,
' To Gammer — [...].
Evans, and old Ide,
' Who when he was alive defi'd
' The stoutest Cudgel-play'rs, and coo'd
' Shoot with a Bow like Robin Hood.
' Who for a Wench — [...].
 being vext at guts
' Beat  [...]—
Pheebe † 'Pollo at the Butts.
' This was her Gran-sire; but in fine
' Her Parents call'd her  [...]—
Magdaline,
' Because her Mother grievously
' Did like Madge Howlet weep, and cry
' To-hoot—to-hoo, when Phoebus swore,
' And did by force make her an Wh—
' With her Meleager lay in bed.
' Being vext at Mother, as was sed;
' Because she made a deadly pother
' When he had only slain his Brother.
[Page 64]' He did no other harm at all,
' Yet she was mad for thing so small:
' And therefore  [...].
 stamping on the ground,
' A thousand times she call'd him Hound;
' And on her knees did mildly pray
' The Devil would take her Son away.
' Besides, whenever he came in
' She'd strait her scolding Cue begin;
' And evermore 'midst Curses fell
' She'ld fairly wish him sent to Hell.[1300]
' But at this time their  [...].
 Tow'rs were ready
' To fall, at least they stood not steady;
' For why the Cowards Brick-bats threw
' Against the Walls and Flint-stones too.
' So that they lay at Rack and Manger;
' But in the midst of all this danger,
' The Wittols sent their Priests and Sages
' To — [...].
 promise Meleager wages,
' Twenty times more than formerly,
' If he would take the pains to die.
[Page 65]' (For why Foe fear'd him much 'tis true,
' Since he the Boar so stoutly slew)
' They promis'd him a pretty piece
' Of ground, as any was in Greece;
' Which they affirm'd to be as good
' As that where Pannyer-Alley stood.
' On  [...].
 half whereof young Crabs were set,
' But th' other half bore nothing yet.
' Besides his Father coming once
' Had a foul fall upon the Stones,
' And with his fall the whole house shook  [...]—
,
' Yet for all this he courage took,
' And humbly did implore his Son
' To help; but nothing could be done.
' Then Brethren beg'd, and that curst Wh—
' His Mother; but he deny'd the more;
' Nay ev'ry School-fellow and Friend did,
' But none his resolution bended.
' Till he saw  [...].
 his own Windows broke,
' And th' Town ev'n now in flames to smoke.
[Page 66]' Then's Wife it seems for her own sake,
' Chiefly to him this speech did make;
' Husband, the time's now come you'll see,
' Those plaguy things foretold by me,
' Which unto conquer'd Cities happen,
' No Gentle-man must put his Cap on.
' The Meats that in our Cupboards lie
' Are made a prey to th'Enemy.
' The Houses are possest by flames;
' But then the Matrons and the Dames
' Are made a prey to their She stutter'd, that's all.
 Pri—pride;
' Nay, they abuse the Boys beside.
' But that which most of all I fear,
' These Cow'rds like Danes will domi­neer.
' He heard no more  [...]—
 but left his place,
' And all with Soot besmear'd his face.
' Huge Horns he fasten'd on his head,
' And made his Cloaths all over red;
' Then to his Ar—a Tail he ties,
' But needs not to enlarge his eyes.
[Page 67]' (For they to use a Phrase of Chaucers,
' Were hugeous ones, and glar'd like Saw­cers.)
' Then on high Stilts (so goes the Fable)
' He walks, to be more formidable.
' In Left hand he bore Wild-fire bright,
' And a huge smoaking T—in's Right.
' And thus accountred he arose,
' Though single, daring all his Foes.
' The Cowards saw this monstrous Evil,
' And cry'd, Alack! here comes the De­vil.
' And crying so, as who should say
' Devil take last, run all away;
' But only one was left behind
' Whom he with T—had stricken blind.
' Lo! thus his Passion he laid down
' And sav'd both Wittols and the Town;
' Though they ne'r gave his promis'd sum,
' Because at first he would not come.
' This Tale's for your instruction pen'd,
' Oh! therefore do not you intend
[Page 68]' After the Boats are burnt to fight,
' But come while Gifts do you invite.
' That Greeks with wonted flatteries
' May raise your Coxcomb to the Skies;
' But if you fight  [...].
 without your wa­ges,
' You'll be call'd fool by Sculls and Pages.
' Thus spake the Reverend Paedagogue;
' But oh! y'ill manner'd — [...]—
 well fed Rogue
' (Achilles answer'd) Fame I scorn,
' Jove will in time exalt my horn
' At his own will; which doth detain
' Me here and shall, while guts remain;
' (Which I pray Heaven may be long)
' But now I'll sing another Song;
' Pray leave your whining and your cry­ing,
' That Whelp Atrides gratifying.
' Tis not your duty to take care
' How such a Puppie's matters are;
' For if you are so kind to him,
' I'll tear your Carkass limb from limb.
[Page 69]' Don't you know how it you behoves, Sir,
' To love him whom your Master loves, or
' To hate him whom your Master hates,
' As th' only cause of these debates?
' Come, you shall now board with me here,
' And o're my  [...]—
 Servants domineer.
' But these same Shack-bags shall anon, Sir,
' Go back t' Atrides with mine Answer.
' To Night you shall your self confine 1400
' In a good  [...]—
 Feather-bed of mine;
' And we'll consult at Break of day
' Whether we'd best to go or stay.
At this he gave a Nod with's head
To th' Jip, to make Phoenix his bead,
And said 'twas Twelve by Dial-Lunar,
Hoping his Guests would — [...].
 go the soon­er;
Although it was not much past Eight,
Or at the most not near so late.
When Ajax, Telemon's stout Lad,
Some such Expostulation had:
[Page 70]' Diogenes [...].
 my Friend Ʋlysses,
' I ne'r saw such a Clown as this is;
' If we such Tattle longer hold,
' Twenty to one our Broth proves cold.
' Seeing all endeavours are but vain,
' Pray let us ev'n go back again.
' If we don't hasten, without doubt
' This News will in Gazets come out.
' 'Tis therefore best, that — [...].
 first we car­ry
' The News, though bad (and never tarry)
' Unto our Friends and dear Acquain­tance,
' Who sit like Men (but very faint ones)
' Expecting all till we come home.
' Mean while Achilles, that Coxcomb,
' Swelling with anger and vexations,
' Forgets his Friends and near Relations.
' Hard-hearted thing! Some I have known,
' For death of Brother, or of Son,
' Having 'gainst Murd'rer entred Action,
' Did at the last take satisfaction;
[Page 71]' And murd'rer still his  [...].
 Lease did hold,
' Having redeem'd his neck with Gold;
' But th'others Anger was abated,
' And wrath with bribes was mitigated.
' But you for one unlucky Jade  [...].
' Have a most horrid pudder made;
' And on no terms will yield t'agree,
' Though we'll give seven better than she;
' And other things besides of value.
' But now, dear Cuz, no longer dally,
' Give us respect as persons sent
' By all the Grecians to your Tent;
' And who would fain be thought the most
' Friendly to you of all the Host.
Achilles then with Cap in hand Sir,
Fleering at Ajax, gave this Answer;
' Kind old Acquaintance, Man of might,
' Methinks what you have spoke is right;
' But oh! I am fill'd with many Troubles,
' And all my Passion boils and bubbles.
[Page 72]' And my Welch-blood flies in my Face,
' When I but think on that disgrace
' Atrides laid upon me that time,
' As if I could not easily fat-him!
' But for your parts you may go home
' And say, I n'er intend to come
' In Martial guise, for Greece to fight,
' Till Hector, that same swagg'ring Knight,
' Beats up my  [...]—
 Souldiers quarters, and
' Knocks down his Foes, that they can't stand,
' And makes their Lighters light with fire;
' But though he comes so nigh or nigher,
' As soon as e'r my force he feels,
' I'll warrant you, he'll shew his heels.
This said, they all to part rose up,
But first took  [...]—
 farewel of the Cup;
And, having done, for malice they
(When all was out) flung the'rest away.
Though it was  [...]—
 Spic'd and Sugard too;
Then having now no more to do,
[Page 73]Away they trug'd jostling 'gainst Wall;
But 'Lysses he went first of all.
Patroclus, when these Guests were gone,
Bad Maids make Phoenix's Bed anon.
They strait  [...].
 obey'd, and laid on clean
Sheets, Pillow, Rug, and Blanquet green.
And there our Gaffer snoring lay
From Nine a Clock until broad-day:
But stout Achilles [...].
 on a Bench
Lay all Night tumbling with his Wench,
Phorbas his Daughter, Moll the pret­ty,
Which he had stole from Lesbos City.
And  [...].
 vile Patroclus too (for both
Were Birds of feather I'll take Oath)
With Susan lay in Truckle-bed,
And there on pleasures Oysters fed;
Her formerly Achilles (knowing
His Friend like him would fain be do­ing)
Did freely give, having subdu'd
The potent Town of Barnwell rude.
[Page 74]But after these Legats de latere
Were come into Atrides [...].
 Butte­ry;
The Greeks, whose Manners did not fail,
Gave them a — [...].
 plate or two of Alc;
And catching each by Bawdy-fist,
Cry'd, Sirs, you're welcome, pray how is't?
But first the King himself thus spake,
' Ʋlysses, (but a Seat first take)
' Tell's truly, does Achilles prove
' Civil, and entertain my love?1500
' Or does he still damn, curse and roar,
' And vent his Passion as before?
' To whom Ʋlysses thus reply'd,
' Atrides fam'd both far and wide,
' This fellow is a desp'rate Creature,
' And rather now — [...]—
 his Passion's great­er.
' He scorns you and your gifts, he says,
' And bids you try all lawful ways
[Page 75]' To keep your paltry Boats from burn­ing,
' And he, he swears to morrow Morning,
' As soon as Sluggards use to peep
' Will launch his Boats into the deep;
' And then began us to advise,
' And others too, to be as wise,
' As he imagines his Coxcomb:
' In short, he would advise us home.
' For we (he swore thorough and tho­rough)
' Should never take this Trojan Borough:
' For Jove of Trojan Squadrons is Chief,
' And stirs 'um daily up to mischief.
' Thus much he swore, I'll take my Oath;
' But if you'll not believe my troth,
' Here are as honest — [...].
 men, as live,
' Can better Information give,
' Ajax, and both the loud-lung'd Cryers;
' But Gaffer Phoenix (we're no Liars)
' Being fudled we've left there a Bed
' Spuing, and very light of head;
[Page 76]' If he will go with 'um 'tis well;
' But 'Chilles swears, he'll not compel.
Thus spake the subtle Knave Ʋlysses,
But all the rest stood mute as Fishes;
Not knowing what to say that stound,
For he was plaguy  [...].
 cross they sound.
But strait the  [...].
 bawling-whelp Tydides
Thus boldly spoke to Goodman Trides.
' O Agamemnon, Lord o'th'Host!
' I wish'd, that I had rul'd the rost;
' Then you should ne'r t' Achilles sent
' These Fools, with such a Compliment;
' For now the Villain sees we lack him,
' The thoughts whereof will prouder make him;
' And if he vapour'd so before,
' Now he will vapour ten times more.
' But let him hang, or drown or rot
' All's one to me, Faith I care not.
' 'T will mad him much, to see us scoff him,
' Therefore let's take no notice of him;
[Page 77]' But now prepare, as I would ha't,
' Our hungry Maws to satiate — [...]—
,
' And dust it hard (without this do)
' Drink — [...]
 makes men wise and valiant too.
' But when the Blew-nos'd morn appears
' We'll fall about the Trojans ears;
' Setting our — [...].
 Horsemen and Redcoats
' In the fore-front to guard the Boats;
' And th'rest shall follow, having got
' Both Powder, Match and Musquet-shot:
' And pray no more most Martial wight,
' Do you your self go — [...].
 last to fight.
' At this they all clapt Paws and shouted,
' Wondring at saying so redoubted;
' And when they'd all well  [...].
 fudled Nose,
' With sleep they did their Sawcers close;
' But Chiefs were hard at Venus's game,
' While Commons only dream'd the same.1566

FINIS.

…

[Page]

Deuteripideuteron: THE SECOND PART OF THE Second Part OF HOMER ALAMODE.

Or, A MOCK-POEM ON The Ninth Book OF THE ODYSSES.

LONDON, Printed in the Year, 1681.

[Page]

TO THE READER.

AFter that of the Iliads read this of the Odysses,
And see, whether more grateful, or whe­ther more Modish is;
But if neither do please you, as I'll hard­ly swear it,
When you've read it quite o're and dis­like it, forbear it.
[Page]For he that rejects any Book without reading,
Shews more Malice than Prudence, more Humour than Breeding.

[Page]

THE Prefashion.

ULysses you must understand
Sailing by Water, not by Land,
From a fair Lady call'd Calipsie,
Which in plain English was a Gypsie;
Sailing, I say, was on a sudden
Snatch'd from the very Helm he stood in,
By his Foe Neptune's Serjeant-Tritons;
Into whose hands when he did light once,
He was so dows'd and sows'd and beaten,
He look'd like one that had been eaten;
Because they did not him empannel,
But duckt him like a Water-Spaniel.
That being tost about i'th'Ocean
Some eight and forty hours motion,
Sea-sick and naked, he was cast
On the Phoenician Land at last.
[Page]Here one Alcinous reign'd, whose Scepter
And Crown, and Robes and Court was kept here.
Imagine now our man of Fame
In this King's house; but how he came
Thither, in troth you may go look,
For I'll not tell you in this Book:
But only how, when once they'd din'd,
The King and Queen had both a mind
To hear his story, and condition,
E'r since Troy taken by the Grecian.
And hereupon our Knight Ulysses
'Gan story in such form as this is—
But hold, I'll give you first the sum,
Then to the Speech it self I'll come.

[Page]

THE Ergo-ment.

ULysses in this Book begins
A story of those Woes he reckons,
Were heap'd upon him for his sins,
And first how he was catch by th' Cicons.
And then he tells a cursed Lie
Of People, that by smell do live (hum!)
Then to the Cyclop he do hie
And shews what welcome he did give 'um.
And how for eating up, unkindly
Six of his Men, he pok'd his Eye out;
And how this Giant groping blindly
About the Cave, let them all fly out.

[Page]

ANOTHER Argument.

THE sum in these three words you'll find,
Cicons, Lotophagios, Cyclop blind.
Reader, if these Contents content you,
Now with the Chapter we present you.

[Page 1]

A MOCK-POEM Upon the Ninth Book OF HOMER's ODRSSES.

THen having A Custome of Orat [...]rs.
 hawk'd and wip'd his Nose,
Ʋlysses did this Speech compose;
O thou renowned Duke Alcinous,
Of all men living the most generous!
I vow it likes me to the very heart
To hear your Fidler play with merry heart.
[Page 2]Who likewise doth in Fidling pass-so-well,
The Devil himself  [...]. Dii Gentilium Daemones.
 I think plays scarce­so-well.
And Faith 'twould be a very fine-thing
(If Commonwealths were of my coyning)
For all the People in the Town
To pass their Flaggons up and down,
And all the Madams in the City
To sit and sing their Bastards Ditty.
In the mean time I'ld have  [...]
 each Table
To be as thick as e're 'twas able
With all the Rarities that might-be,
Which in my mind would a brave sight-be.
And then I'ld have the Drawer  [...]. Namina Gran­tiacis dudum, benè not a Poe­tis.
Allestry,
And the Dutch Puff-cheeks too as well-as­he,
About the Table waiting stand
With an huge Gallon-pot in hand;
Which every one, till he was weary,
Should drink in's turn full of Canary.
'Tis to be hop'd the Turk or Russian
Will sometime bring up such a fashion;
[Page 3]Which, if it had been up before
Such sad Conundrum signifies a De­boist, or a Crow­der, which is a figurative word for a Mischance.
Conundrums, and so sore
I ne'r had felt, which have befel-me,
And which I now intend to tell-ye.
Though the memory of them, ten to one
Will break my heart, and then I'm gone.
Yet what a  [...],
 Logger-head am I,
When for my guts I can't descry
Ought of my story head or tail?
But quickned by this draught of Ale,
(And then he rumbled down a Flaggin)
I'll thus begin without all braggin.
And first (A-hum!) I were to blame
If I should longer hide my Name This may serve for a pretty good reason, A-hum.
,
Because 'tis just oh Alcinous,
As we know you, so you should know us.
Then after many dangers dire,
Of Battel, The name of the four Ele­ments.
 Water, Land and Fire;
The men that in your house you see,
Why? who d'ye think it is, but  [...].
 me?
[Page 4]Yes, me my self, I'll tell you certes,
Ʋlysses, Son of old Laertes;
Who  [...]
 have (I speak it not in brave­ry)
Been famous o're the World for knavery,
For slight of hand and cunning brain,
And knowledge in Legerdemain.
My house doth stand some furlongs this­way,
In a small Island call'd Ithaca;
And in this place (I'll be exact)
There is a Mountain well compact,
Which (unless Homer me deceives)
Only gets fame by  [...]
 shaking leaves;
Whence many a Fool, that of it hears,
Thinks to get Fame by shaking's Ears.
About it many more Isles are
Near one another, or not far;
There is Zacunt and there is Samme,
And there is Du Du Duli (Damme
'Tis a hard Name) ô ô Dulichium,
All pretty Islands, Sir, how like ye-'um?
[Page 5]But Ithaca (as I said before)
Is the mid-Island; nay, and more
Lies towards the West, but all the other
That way, where we the Sun discover
A mornings  [...]
 when he goeth forth,
'T must needs be South, or East or North;
Unless perhaps, the Sun likes best
To rise, as well as set i'th' West.
Which Wise men think can hardly be;
But I think 'tmay, for how know we?
'Tis rough indeed like  [...]
Lancashire;
But there are lusty Fellows there.
And truly that we count a good-place
Where we were born, though ne're so odd­place,
As I prefer'd in all my Travel.
My Country, though 'twas full of Gravel;
I'll tell you, once there was a  [...]
 God­dess
Calypso height, who put off Boddis
And Petticoat, nay, and fine Smock,
And there she shew'd her dainty Nock,
[Page 6]Plump Buttocks, Breasts, and trembling Thighs,
With many other Rarities.
And so  [...]
 did Circe; but I swore,
Still sight of Count—ry pleas'd me more:
And rather chose to leave them both
Than Ithaca, I'll take my Oath;
Though true in some consideration
I follow'd close my Occupation,
While I was with them; but brave  [...]
 house,
And juicy Girls not worth a Louse.
In a strange Country, where you know
Coin of our Language will not go;
And where a Clap Belike Ulys­ses being a Traveller, knew this by experience.
 if got, be sure,
Is alwaies very hard to cure.100
But now I'll shew you through what hard­ship
I'm come at last unto your Lordship,
As was foretold me by one  [...]
Jupi­ter,
As skilful in the Stars as Hugh-Peter.
[Page 7]Now when we'd hois'd our Sails from Troy,
Shouting and flinging Caps for joy;
As Devil would have it an huge high Wind
Came farting at our Poop behind;
And where d'ye think at last it pufft-us,
But to the Cicons, men that hufft-us?
Indeed I first destroy'd a Village,
And kill'd the People; but the pillage
I parted equally to all,
And then  [...]
 I did the Puppies call,
And bad them make good haste away;
But they like Fools must needs delay.
And many Hogsheads there of Wine
Were troll'd away, and many Kine
Were slain, and roasted on the shore,
But they that eat them eat no more.
For in the Interim (hud's Dicons!)
The Cicons [...]
 rais'd their Neighbour Cicons.
Who in great multitudes did run,
Like Robin Hood and Little John,
[Page 8]And all their Yeomen Company,
In fury tow'rd my Men and me:
Indeed although I'm not judicious,
My nature being still suspicious,
I chanc'd to sally tow'rd my Boat It was wise­ly done in my mind.
,
And left these Rogues to pay the shot.
Who ranting there it seems, and spewing,
The Foe came on to their undoing.
Bless me! how well they bang'd their Coats,
And with their own knives cut their Throats!
One had his head with Flaggon broke,
And never after one word spoke;
For Brains were dasht about his face
And a-la-mort he fell i'th' place.
Another, A difference betwixt dead, and deaddrunk.
 who was dead-drunk before,
Was kill'd outright now, which was more.
One that had got a Cieon's Wife,
Did ipso facto lose his life.
Another That was a clown Boy I'le  [...] you.
 being knockt o're piteher,
Cry'd, I desire Tomb no richer.
[Page 9]Never were Then it seems Ulysses was so good natur'd to stand look­ing on.
 seen such thumps and boun­ces,
And blood, that ran in quarts, not ounces!
But Lord! I thought my self in heaven
To see such Sawce at Supper given.
And how by meer instinct of Nature
I chanc'd my self to 'scape that slaugh­ter.
All morning long our Men, though drunk,
Being Pot-valiant never  [...].
 shrunk;
But when the Ev'ning did incline,
They went to bed before there time.
And being kill'd, they thought it best
To tumble down and take their rest.
Each Ship we  [...].
 had, as Fates did please,
Were lighter by six men a piece.
And all the rest, my self in chief,
Escap'd from death, but not from grief.
So thence we fail'd with weeping Cross,
Yet pleas'd that we surviv'd our loss.
But yet before we sail'd, I call'd  [...]—
Thrice on those men, whom Foes had maul'd.
[Page 10]' Sir Pushpin, George, and Ralph and Gre­gory,
' Come, or else the Cicons will disfigure-ye.
' Why Tom, why Humphry, Dick and Ro­bin,
' Why don't you hasten to your Cabbin?
' Rowland and Jeoffery, Jack and Jeremy,
' Prethee let us, not Charon, ferry ye.
' Simon, Hugh, Simkin, Ned and Oliver,
' For shame rowze up and venture all over.
' All Gentlemen, Very clvilly done to call 'um.
 you that were slain
' Il'd have you to return again.
' Thrice I these Names and more repeated,
' Till my heart ak'd and blood was heated;
' Then These were Conjurers to be sure.
 Wise men signifi'd unto me,
' That all my noise no good would do me;
' Because when men to Grave are gone, Sir,
' They neither hear, nor can give Answer.
' (They said moreover) though they should come
' From them, there would but little good­come,
[Page 11]' Cause they would look as pale as Ashes,
' And rotten as a Fruiterers trash is;
' That they'ld do nought but lie like Lub­bers,
' So still, as ne'r to mind their Suppers;
' And never on occasion fight;
' Yet walk to frighten folks at night.
If dead Folks are, quoth I, so uncivil,
E'n let 'um go for me to th'Devil.
Then  [...].
 strait from Jove a whisking Wind-came,
Which plaid us all a very blind-game;
It heav'd our Cock-boats to the Skies,
And blew the Sea-dust in their Eyes.
The fizzing Tackles 'gan to roar,
While Clouds obscur'd both Sea and Shoar;
And no more  [...].
 light we saw for smoke,
Than you see money in my Poke.
Thus on the Star-board we were driven,
The Sails in forty pieces riven.200
Which we laid down  [...].
 on Decks pro­foundly,
Expecting to be duckt now soundly.
[Page 12]But by and by a plaguy Blast,
Which we 'en thought would prove our last,
Drove us, as 'twere, with good intent,
And flapt us on the Continent.
There we two  [...]
 nights, and eke two days
Sat  [...]
 biting Lips (as Homer says;)
But when the third day 'gan t'appear,
We thought to sit no longer there
Owling, like very Fools or Wittols,
And never seeking out for Victuals.
So raising Masts and hoising Sails,
We shew'd our melancholy Tails
To the dull shoar; while Wind full sweet
And Pilot joyntly guide the Fleer.
And then, I think, we'd gone sheer home,
Had not the Sea begun to foam
At Boreas, who (while near Malaea
We sailed) pufft us out of the way:
So that at Sea Where a De­vil were they all that while? says Roger. Why? at Sea, says Ulysses.
 nine days together,
We bandied were by wind and weather;
[Page 13]That, Lord! 'twas pity to behold.
What Changlings we appear'd, with cold.
But on the tenth day  [...].
 we came to a place
So strange, I think you never knew a place;
Th'Inhabitants no Victuals eat;
That is to say, no Bread nor Meat;
But only Flowers, and Posies dainty,
And Sage and Herb of Grace good plenty.
Nay silly puppies! you'll confess it,
They Water love beyond Sack-posset.
Here 'twas we landed, and at first
In solemn haste we quencht our With Wine sure, for they just now left the Water.
 thirst;
And after that to Supper fell.
But when we'd eat and drunk pell-mell,
I sent two  [...].
 Pages and a Cryer,
And promis'd for their pains good hire,
If they would undertake sans fear,
To bring word what the People were.
They Pistols take, and Helmets clap-on,
For doubt of any thing should happen:
[Page 14]And so set forward like Couragious,
Till they came to these Lotophagios:
These Lotophagios, you must know,
Did outwardly no malice shew.
But silly fools with pleasant Posies,
And Flowers sweet held at their Noses;
They them perswade with all their Pow­ers
To stay with them, and live on  [...].
 Flow­ers.
Our simple Rogues, worse fools than they,
Were so entic'd they swore to stay.
And so neglected to come to  [...].
 me
Till I was told by one that knew me,
(A Merchant, that was there by chance)
Then toward the Knaves I did advance
With Musquet, Pike, and Bandileers,
And brought 'um back again by th'Ears;
But they still bawl'd for flowers to diet'um
Till with a rattle I did quiet 'um.
Now knowing well what fools the rest­were,
To bear them off, I took the best-care
[Page 15]That could be; lest they should have mind
To whine for  [...]
 Flowers, and stay be­hind.
' Then said to them, good Sirs, if you-be
' Mindful to view Hobode-boobe,
' Or Bulbeggars, or th'old Witch goody Jones,
' Or th'grisly thing Rawhead and Bloody­bones:
' Then you may stay you here and see
' The ugliest shapes of any be.
' But I'll assure you they'll so swing-ye,
' You'ld wish your selves as far It's a sign the Indies were disco­ver'd before this time.
 as th' In­die.
Then they took Ship, fearing old scores,
And shav'd gray Neptunes-beard with Oars;
Still sailing on with courage  [...].
 sorry,
Till to the Cyclop's Territory
They came: These Cyclops now I'll tell ye,
Do in their Why? where wou'd you have 'um dwell—ah!
 proper Country dwell ye.
Where trusting Jove won't let them starve
(Such kindness troth they don't deserve)
[Page 16]They  [...].
 never plant at all, nor plow,
But all things grow I know not how)
Red Wheat, Oats, Barly, and plump Vines,
Whose clusters yield them precious Wines.
Which Wines e'n crack both brains and guts;
Yet Jove [...]
 forsooth this goodness puts
Into their Soil, and with large showers
Augments these Coxcombs fruits and flow­ers:
And yet the Clowns void of all  [...].
 Lite­rature,
Do never keep Courts of Judicature,
Nor Common Pleas, nor Court of Consci­ence;
But live in Barbarism and Non-sence,
In horrid Caves on Mountains high,
In a confus'd Pantocracy.
For every man is there a  [...].
 King,
And rules his Wife in every thing;
Their Children are their Subjects only:
Thus they're true Fathers of their Coun­try.
[Page 17]Who swaying royal Log in Paw,
Do  [...].
 value no one else a straw,
But only Subjects; and therefore
Ne'r help a forreign Prince next door.
¶ There is a little Isle hard by 'um,
Not very far, nor  [...].
 very nigh 'um.
There are some Woods in this same Isle,
And in these Woods are bred the while
A hugeous many bearded Creatures,
Call'd Goats; good things, they say, for Eaters.
And in this Island they abound,
Because  [...].
 no footsteps there are found.
Which thing proceeds, as Authors say,
Because no Mortals walk that way;
No Huntsmen enter here with Dogs,
To hunt for Goats, or rowze the Hogs.
Nor is it spoil'd by flocks or ploughing,
But things come there of their own grow­ing.
For Cyclops, whom before I mention'd,
In troth are not so good invention'd,
[Page 18]To  [...]
 make them Ships, nor have they Monies,
To set out Fleets, or raise Colonies
As other Nations do, whose wiles
Find way-t'inhabit such good Isles.
But though unpeopled this same place-is,
Yet not unworthy  [...].
 greater grace 'tis;
For there are Meadows there, I warrant­ye,
And Vines that creep on very gallantly.
But for a Plough there's no Land like-it,
It is so soft for share to strike-it.
So that yould reap a thwacking harvest,
The ground's so fat and fit for service.
Moreover  [...]
 I observ'd an Haven
To which there is such virtue given,
That there's no  [...]
 need of Rope or * Anchor,
But only such as there do hanker,
Will find what e're they wish to happen,
As if they'd Fortunatus Cap-on,
Either to stay there, or be gone-Sir,
'Tis only wishing and 'tis done-Sir.
[Page 19]And from this Haven's head, a brave
Spring gushes forth from dismal Cave,
Which inward swells with bubling Bil­lows,
But is beset about with Willows.
Just here it was we touch'd the Land,
Brought by  [...]
 some Wizzard's Magick­wand,
I'th' night, I think, for we ne'r knew-it
Before we suddenly came to-it.
Nor till we felt it could we see
The Moon, or any Wood for Tree.
¶ But when I wish'd us safe in Haven,
Strait this effect to wish was given,
That close to Land our Fleet was brought.
O wondrous power think I, of thought!
Then we hal'd in our Sails, fear scorning
And on the shoar we slept till Morning.
But when Aurora 'gan to peep,
Unscrewing, as it were, from sleep
Our glew'd up Eyes, we rose to To prayer; If it was not for Rhimes sake it should have been, to prey.
 prayer,
Then wandred, wondring, here and there,
[Page 20]To see the sweetness of the Isle;
But we set out some Whores the while,
Who being cunning  [...].
 Jades, begun
To hoop and screek till Goats did run.
Being unaccustom'd to such noise
Under the Noses of my Boys;
Who  [...].
 now stood armed in three Squa­drons,
With Dog, Rapiers, and Leather-Aprons.
But with their Cross-bows in conclusion
I think they did most execution.
Twelve Ships there were in all my Navy,
To each whereof nine Groats Jove gave me.
But ten  [...]
 fell only to my share,
As being worth an hundred there.
There then we sat, as I'm a Sinner,
From  [...]
 morn to night at one long din­ner,
Tearing good Veal was made of Kids and Goats in those days.
 Veal, and then to carry't
Down our glib Throats; we gorged Claret;
Which lasted still, for you must know
That when we gave that overthrow
[Page 21]Unto the Cicons, as aforesaid,
We took from them full many a Boars­head.
Or (all's one) Hogshead of Wine,
Which serv'd us rarely at this time.
From hence, while I was wiping my-chops
I chanc'd to spy the Land of Cyclops;
And saw the smoak, and heard some riot,
But now thought I, 'tis best be quiet
Till belly's full: So I took heed
Nothing to do, but Guts to feed
Till they were e'n ready to crack-agen,
But Jove be thank'd some flew back­agen,
By help of finger thrust in Throat,
A trick of Drunkards you must note.
But when the Sun was seen no more,
We tumbled all  [...].
 upon the shore,
O're Dishes, Pots and Cans (uds Diggars)
And there we lay as drunk as Beggars,
Snoring until the Day did dawn;
When slipping on clean Band of Lawn,
[Page 22]Gartars and Cuffs in order micle,
I chanc'd to call a Conventicle;
Where Ha! brave Doctor, con­demn that in others, which you approve in your self.
 having blam'd their last nights diziness,
Although I lik'd no drinking business,
I made them such a Speech as this is,
' Gentlemen Souldiers, whom Ʋlysses
' Doth under his Command maintain,
' I'll tell you what; Do you remain
' Here every one, while I e'n trip
' With my Companions, and one Ship
' To that same Island which you see-there,
' Only to know what People be there;
' Whether they're merry and will toss-a-Kan,
' Or whether they delight to I think they were crost suf­ficiently, for half of the twelve were eaten.
 cross-a-man.
So going first abroad, I hallow'd
To my Companions till they follow'd,
And presently did take their place,
Rowing with Doublets off, apace.
Thus in the Ship, whilst they so ply'd her,
I ply'd my I remember we us'd to do so on the Ri­ver Came.
 Genius with good Sider.
[Page]Yet scarce could smoak but three Pipes clean off,
And drink of Bottles some fifteen off.
When sooner far than my expecting
I touch'd the Shoar; whence eyes directing
I plainly saw (or I'm a Knave)
A very large substantial Cave
By the Sea-side: the entrance was very
Well stuck about with — [...]
 Bays and Rose­mary.
There many Cattel, Sheep and Goats too
Did sleep, instead of Folds and Coats too.
Hard by a Stable you might see
Of Turds, and such like trumpery;
And there did live  [...].
 a monstrous fellow
Ten times as big as Punchanello;
Nay, full as big (I scorn to lie-a)
As Colbrond, Rumbo, or Goliah,
As Gogmagog or Ascapart;
Who kept forsooth his Sheep apart,
And did no company  [...]
 frequent,
Because he had no good intent.
[Page 24]And faith he was a wondrous Creature,
Not like a man yclep'd. Corn — [...].
 eater.
But if alone you ever found-him,
You'ld take him for some woody — [...]—
 Mountain.
His Head so like the top appears,
To Caves you might compare his Ears;
Each Tooth he had seem'd a sharp Quar­ry,
And his Red-snout a Promontory.
Like Leaves of Trees appear'd his Locks,
And's gouty Shanks were just like Rocks.
He was in bulk like Spanish Carick,
But good of heart as Guy of Warwick.
A desperate thing for Joques and clinches,
And a stout fellow of his Inches Yet for all that he was a Freshman.
.
¶ Here with my Ship, I bad the rest
To stay and look to't they were best,
Only selecting twelve most stout,
With port Majesty I march'd out,
Taking  [...].
 a Cask of Wine to boot
(Good company for men on foot.)
[Page 25]Now this same Wine (pray give me leave
To tell you) I did once receive
From Maron, old Evanthes Son,
And Phoebus, Priest in Ismaron;
Because when we that City spoil'd,
I sav'd his  [...].
 Wife, being then with Child
From ravishing (such things you know
Souldiers to Captive Women do;)
' Cause he was holy to Apollo;
For which good turn the grateful fellow
Gave me seven pounds, lest I should pil­fer;
And eke a Plate of massy Silver.
But as the crown of all, in fine,
Twelve bottles of the best French Wine
He gave me  [...].
 unsophisticated,
So that his strength was nought abated.
He'ld let no Creature know where 'twas,
But he  [...].
 his Wise, and one young Lass.
And therefore kept the Keys himself,
The best way to secure his pelf.
[Page 26]When he this Liquor  [...].
 us'd to drink,
He'ld always blend clear Water in't,
Twenty times more than Wine, and yet
Such sober draughts would drown his wit,
And the very scent would smell so far,
One could not for his life  [...].
 forbear:
A Cask top full I had of this,
And in my  [...]—
 Pouch good Bread and Cheese,
To pacifie all kind of fury.
For well my fore-sight did assure me,
Some devilish fellow we should find there,
That lov'd not Justice like such fine fare.
But when we to the Cave were come,
The Man o'th'house was not at home;
But in the Meadows fed his Cattel,
While we made's Houshold-stuff to rat­tle.
And seeing Cheeses cram'd in baskets,
With huge brown-Georges in the Flas­quets,
[Page 27]And Lambs and Kids in their enclosures.
I said to my Companions,—O Sirs!
' I need not tell you what to do here,
' And so you're welcome, pray fall too here.500
Then we on Cream and Custards fell,
And slasht the  [...].
 Cheese about pell­mell;
And having done, with store of Prog
We thought t'escape; but lo! the Dog,
As out of door I popt my head
Was trudging tow'rd the Cave with speed,
With a huge Log of Wood in's Paw
As thick and long as JovesHe was a­sham'd to speak Bawdy you must think.
-ha-haw!
And with the other hand he plaid
On an old Whistle he had made.
At sight of this we pull'd our Ear-in,
Expecting to be sold for Herring.
When down he flung his Log so cruel
(Which he had brought for Supper-fuel)
At the Caves mouth with such a din,
' T made our bones rattle in our skin.
[Page 28]Whence we sought out for hiding-places,
Being  [...].
 frighted with his Monkey-faces.
He Flocks and Kine drove in before him,
But left their Hees without doors roaring.
But I suppose th'ill-fayour'd Else
Would hardly be serv'd so himself.
And then he clapt a plaguy Stone
Before the door, (or else we'd gone)
This Stone, Sir, threescore lusty men
For guts could not remove agen;
But yet  [...].
 with this he barr'd the door,
As I did intimate before.
And then the Hedge-hog fell to milking,
And sang as he would tear the Welkin,
At's work; which when he'd done by halves,
Under the Dams they put the Calves.
Then half the Milk (which Homer says
And proves, was white  [...]—
 in former days)
He having curdled, did set up
Against the time that he should Sup.
[Page 29]The other half he let  [...].
 alone,
To drink when all the Ale was gone.
After these works he thus did handle,
He light a  [...].
 hugeous Christmas Candle;
And having wisely snufft the Wick,
And stuck it in Clay Candle-stick.
Observing some of I dare be hang'd, if this Rogue doth not bely 'um; for they had only the yel­low Jaundies in their Poste­rlors.
 us to squutter
(The effect of fear) he cry'd, Fah! out­here.
And looking heedfully about-him
He spy'd our Men, and thus did flout-'um.
' Ye shitten Rascals, pray what weather
' Did drive such stinking foisters hither?
' For I suppose by Sea you came
' Rather to steal, than purchase Fame;
' Whether you Pilots be or Pirates,
' Id est, or water-Rats or dry-Rats.
' Cox-bones! Perhaps he means his Sweetheart, which Authors say, was an ugly Fat-ars'd Puss; in French a Mounser.
 I've here got such a Mow­ser,
' Will worry you like any Towser.
' At which fierce Speech again they squut­ter'd,
And one behind the other flutter'd,
[Page 30]For fear of's Saweer-eye, and eke
To hear him like a Cannon speak.
Yet plucking up good heart of grace,
I made this answer in short space,
(Stopping loose Podex with my finger,
Lest any thing, you know, should hinder.)
' We're Greeks, my little sweet Pigsny!
' That late have trod our shoes awry;
' Thinking from Troy to sail strait home,
' But (see the chance) we're hither come.
' Perhaps Jove shew'd us all this  [...].
 hard­ship,
' In love t'acquaint us with your Lord­ship.
' And truly I one Crown would spend,
' To purchase such a bouncing friend,
' One Duke Agamemnon we serv'd,
' Whose Fame's as great, as he deserv'd;
' For burning a renowned City,
' And killing folks, the more's the pity.
' But after all we're here arriv'd,
And at your sweaty Toes, being griev'd,
[Page 31]' We humbly beg upon our knees
' Youl'd help us to some Bread and Cheese.
' Thus Lads  [...].
 unto their Strangers do,
' Nay sometimes give Anchovies too,
' Neat-tongue, or Tart, or plate of Ale;
' But seldom they of all things fail.
' Do you do thus, ô Gundy Hero!
' And we'ld sing Songs of old Rogero,
' Renaldo, Sacrapont, and—so so,
' And of Orlando Furioso.
' But if you should not do't, alack!
' I fear lest Jove should soundly thwack
' Your Worships bones; for Jove you  [...].
 know
' Was evermore a good Fellow.
' Thus I collogu'd, but he cry'd fiercely,
' Or  [...].
 you're a fool, or know me scarce­ly,
' To put me thus in mind of Jove,
' Whom Ciclops neither fear nor love;
' Nor any other gods,  [...].
 for we
' Are greater than those Fellows be.
[Page 32]' Wherefore for Jove's sake I'ld ne'r spare you,
' Were it not for the love I bear you;
' But tell me quickly I advise,600
' Where now your Ship at Anchor lies,
' Whether far off, or near our Land;
' Only that I may understand.
Thus did that cunning Sneak-nose tempt me,
Hoping by wiles to circumvent me.
But I soon div'd into his mind,
And paid him thus in his own kind.
' Kind Sir, the Earth-conturbing Neptune,
' Of all our Ships hath now not left one;
' For all the rest being wrackt before-a,
' He broke the last upon your shoar-ah!
' And there it in a Whirl-pool perisht,
' Only we're left, and we half famisht.
Pox o'th' last word, which rhime forc't to make,
For I believe it rais'd his stomack:
So that he answer'd nought to any-on's,
But clapt his paws on my Companions.
[Page 33]And picking  [...].
 out two that were fed most,
He dasht their brains against the Bed-post;
Brains (though but few) fell on the ground,
Commixt with blood, and there this Hound
Tearing them  [...].
 piece-meal with gub-teeth,
Sat down and eat them just like Beef.
First he their Thighs devour'd gladly,
Then on their yellow Buttocks fed he,
Nay guts and garbage, which looks nastily;
One would-not eat a Turd so hastily,
As he their  [...].
 flesh and bones did swal­low;
Nay made the very Pr—s to follow;
And sav'd the Piss, that ran down heels,
In a huge Bowl, to drink at meals.
We durst not say one accent to him,
Nor did we wish, Much good might do him
Or t'eat with him; but in sad  [...].
 wise
Lifted to Jove hearts, hands and eyes,
That he as angry as old Hannibal
Would punish this same wicked Cannibal;
[Page 34]On's own account, as well as ours,
Because he slighted goddish Powers.
¶ But when this whelp had cram'd his Weazon
With humane flesh, and Piss that season,
He drops him down  [...].
 among his Sheep,
Plaguily snoring in his sleep.
By this I had such Courage got,
Which desperation had made hot,
That with The name of Bevis, of Sou­thampton's Sword, which I'm afraid u­lysses came not honestly by.
Morglay, I thought to part
The Monster's midriff from his heart.
But if the Puppy had been slain,
We had been forced to remain
Till we should starve in Cave alone;
Because we could not slir the Stone.
So till broad day, with sighs and sobs,Aurora, a little Wanton, who although she pretends Ho­nesty, by ri­sing early; yet a-nights she used to chew the Cud (to use the modest phrase) with Tithonus.
We stood with fingers in our sobs.
But when he spy'd Tithonus * Whore,
He milkt his Oxen as before;
And then a couple more he took
Of our poor Squires, whom like a Cook
[Page 35]He strait made ready; but the meat
You may suppose was not too sweet,
For they were sawc'd with Turd for But­ter,
And sodden well in their own water.
Then after Breakfast out he went,
But us i'th'Cave with quarry pent
As easily, as if a  [...].
 man
Should with a Cake cover a Kan,
In which you know the Flies remain,
Till the Cake's taken off again.
Then whistling  [...].
 like ten thousand Car­ters,
He drove his Cattle to their quarters.
But I  [...].
 was left, trying conclusions,
And gathering hearty resolutions,
How to take vengeance on the Knave,
And by some means escape his Cave.
I knew my skill in picking Locks,
And hop'd 'twould do; but (out a Pox
That I should be so dull a Drone)
When 'twas not lockt but barr'd with Stone.
[Page 36]At last this Crochet seem'd the best,
And pleas'd me more than  [...]
 all the rest.
The Cyclops, Sir, (I tell no Fable)
Had a  [...]
 huge Catstick near the Stable,
Green still and pithy; he had clipt-that
From some great Wood to play at Tip­cat,
When it was dry'd; but't was as vast
As th'Royal [...]
Charles his middle Mast;
Which you know Dutch-men took by Treason,
But dare not us't themselves; good rea­son!
'Twas full as long, and full as thick;
From which I cut an ell-long stick.
And ga't my Boys to make it smooth,
Which they full quickly did forsooth:
Then  [...]
 I the Point so well did whittle,
I made't as sharp as any Needle.
Then well I hardned it i'th Fire,
So hid it underneath the Mire;
[Page 37]Which with the Dung lay thick about,
Within the Cave, and eke without;
Which Dung without I long'd to see,
But Stone resolv'd it should not be.
Now having thus contriv'd the Plot,700
I bad Companions choose by  [...]
 Lot,
(High-jinks, or Fillup) who should be
My Aiders in this Fragedy,
By boring hole (when he should sleep here)
To make his Eye wider and deeper:
In short, The Lot on four did pitch,
Which made me think the Lot a Witch,
Because I wisht the very same,
And knew them fittest for my game.
So we lay still, protesting seriously
To do it constantly and seriously;
But in the Ev'ning this Damn'd Dogs­eyes
Came, driving's Cattel to their Hog-sties.
Both Hogs and Dogs, and Pigs and Sheep,
And Cows and Goats within must keep.
[Page 38]Whether the fool might be afraid
Of Thieves, if they without door staid.
Or whether gods did bring't about
In pity so to help us out.
These Flocks thus filling up the lodg­ing,
We'd brave advantage so to dodg him.
But when the Whelp had barr'd the door,
He milkt his Cattle as before,
And clapt the young under their Dams.
Then into's his Throat two more he crams
Of my Companions; I at first word
In's chops was fain to shovel Mustard.
Which done, with Bowl and loving face
I thus did complement his Grace:
' Sweet Cormorant, after this Supper
' Of humane flesh, behold a Cup here
' Of pleasant Wine, that you may see,
' What Hectors and down Boys we be.
' And this same token faith I give ye
' Out of pure love, if you'll believe me,
[Page 39]' Only that you'ld do so and so  [...]
' To take my Wine and let me go.
' For troth I'm such a shitten Creature,
' Enough to poison a Man-eater;
' And folks might think you're starv'd in­deed,
' If on such Carrion you should feed.
' Beside, if you should now undo-me,
' I ne'r could bring fat People to-you;
' Which out of good will I intend now,
' If you will but appear my friend now.
Thus I: But he took all in scoff,
Only he tost the Liquor off  [...]
And smacking's blobber - Lips, he fell (ye)
Stroaking with paw his Tun-like belly.
' And then said he, More, more o'th' same
' Thou honest Soul, and tell's thy name
' Now quickly; for I do intend
' To be in gratitude thy friend:
' For we have special Wine, I take it,
' 'Mong Ciclops; Jove himself doth make it.
[Page 40]' Yet that (Gudsuckings) doe's appear,
' Compar'd to this, but flat small Beer:
' This Wine  [...].
 (ô prethee gi'z some more on't)
' Is special Wine, and well worth four on't.
Thus he  [...].
 e'faith; I ne'r deny'd him,
But with my Quart-pot freely ply'd him.
Three  [...].
 times he clapt this Pot to's Nose,
Three times the Rogue bepist his Hose,
And belch'd, the Liquor was so strong;
That I saw where his Brains were hung.
And when in so good case I knew him,
In soothing manner I spake to him.
' You may remember, Man of Fame,
' Three minutes past you ask'd my Name:
' And now I shall, because you're civil,
' Confess my Name, and shame the Devil.
' 'Tis Nobody [...].
 in Latin, Nemo,
' And I'le assure you they that me know
' Call me by that Name; for example
' Nemo (that's I) hath Guts full ample.
[Page 41]Thus I (the Devil take such dry-sport)
Can't forbear Joquing, though I die for't.
As in that Instance, which I gave,
Hearing me mention Guts so brave.
He gigling gave this cruel Answer,
' Nemo (tha-  [...].
 that's you) I'll eat anon, Sir,
' All th'others fi-first, and you the la-last,
' Such lo-love I'll sho-shew for wat is pa­past.
And stutt'ring thus he  [...]—
 loll'd his Log­ger-head,
Nodding upon a rotten Cupbord-head;
Which not enduring such a weight,
Fell kindly down and broke his Pate.
Yet though about his ears it clatter'd,
He still snor'd on, and never matter'd;
And snoring thus in his own Shamble,
Dead-men in's guts began to wamble.
Blest operation of my Cup,
To see him cast his reck'nings up.
Though I! t' see Wine and Flesh uprising,
And him so fast through drinks disguising.
[Page 42]There lay Jack's buttock  [...].
Humphrey's head
Spew'd up again, now they were dead.
Which, you must think, cast a rare steam,
Being mixt with blood, piss, wine, curds, cream.
Then under th'Embers I the stick laid
To make it hot; mean while I tickled 800
My Fellows hearts with words of comfort,
Till they couragious prov'd in some sort.
But when the stick was fiery hot,
My Fellows, who were chose by lot,
Stood round about the snoring whelp,
Resolv'd to lend me all their help.
Then I took stick red hot from fire,
And burning hotter with desire
Of Vengeance, to Don-sleeper came,
And softly there we took good aim.
Surely the  [...].
 Devil made us so bold;
For they o'th'top of stick took hold,
And plac'd it o're his goggle eye.
I cing'd the middle gingerly,
[Page 43]And rowl'd it in and rowl'd it out,
And fiercely turn'd it quick about.
Though all the World Sir to a Pin,
I durst not do the like agen;
Ev'n as a Shipwright very nimble,
Doth roundly turn about his Wimble;
Or as a Joyner boreth (mauger
The stoutest wood) with well greas'd Au­ger.
Thus we with burning stick did bore
His eye (one eye he had, no more)
' Bout which there ran a Moat of gore.
All's beetle You may here see, what a jeering Rogue Ulysses was, when he knew the man had but one Eye, to allow him so many Brows.
 brows, and th' hair of them
Were sing'd and scorched by the steam
Of burning Eye; we might observe
Th' Anatomy of's Optick nerve,
If we'd leisure then to study.
But though we were in case so muddy,
Ready for fear our selves to piss,
We laught to hear his Eye-root hiss.
[Page 44]As when  [...].
 a Smith do's quench in Wa­ter
Hot burning-Steel, or some such matter.
You know by Antipathetick cause
There doth arise a hizzing noise.
Just thus for all the world his Eye
Did hiz, methought, harmoniously.
But this same kind of usage base,
Did (as you'ld guess) soon wake his Grace;
Who being scar'd as 'twere in dream,
Did howl, and yaul, and roar  [...].
 extream­ly, in such sort (a yelping Hound!)
It made the very Rock  [...].
 resound.
At this we ran with fearful mind,
But left the trusty Stick behind;
And there't had been for us, till doom,
Had not himself with frets and fume
Tore't out of's Eye, then  [...].
 flung't in an­guish
Away, and cry'd, The Devil hang this.
[Page 45]But now our wounded Cyclop, bellows
To th'other Cyclops Friends and Fellows,
Who dwelt hard by in Dungeons deep:
They hearing him such pudder keep,
Rose in their Shirts, and at his Door
Ask'd him what made his Worship roar.
' What hurt hast got, ô Polyphemus!
' That makes thee snore and roar in dream thus?
' And bluster so we cannot sleep  [...].
 for ye.
' Has any Mortal stole your  [...].
 Sheep from ye?
' Or are you by the Fleas now bit a bed?
' Or have you (as you've often) shit a bed?
' Or are you kill'd by  [...].
 fraud or force,
' That thus you roar as you were horse?
Then from his Cave, stout Polypheme
With sobs like Mill-stones answerd them:
' O Friends! 'tis Nemo [...].
 doth by wily
' And subtle fraud (not valour) kill me.
[Page 46]They knowing's Latin-affectation,
Took Nemo in signification
Of No-man, and this Answer spake,
' If you're alone, and none doth make
' Your case deserving of our help,
' E'n roar your heart out for a Whelp.
' Since ye can't bear what Jove doth send ye,
' Nought sooner than a Rope will mend ye.
' But if you'd rather pray than choak,
' Neptune [...].
 your Dad with Prayers in­voke.
They went away when thus they'd spo­ken,
But my dear Guts  [...].
 were almost bro­ken
With laughter, that the lucky faining
Of Nemo sav'd us all from braining.
Though this same word wa'n't so intended
But meerly by instinct invented.
The Cyclap, though his Friends advis'd him,
Ne'r pray'd to Neptune, but despis'd him.
[Page 47]And like a very Turk or Flemming
He fell to cursing and blaspheming;
Roaring most wickedly and sobbing.
' But the Rogue cautious of our bob­bing,
Holding one hand before his Nose,
And groping  [...].
 with the other, goes
Tow'rd door (but in the way some gins
I had laid there, which broke his Shins)
But yet he heav'd the Door away,
And sat him down, as who should say;
Come this or that way any other,
But Sheep, and I'ld not spare my Bro­ther.
And then he strecht his clutches out,
Thinking to take us so no doubt.900
Belike th' Ass took  [...].
 me for a fool;
But ever since I went to School
I knew what's what; but at that time
I think I shew'd my wit sublime:
And try'd all ways with tooth and nail,
Lest Friends and I of life should fail,
[Page 48]I left  [...].
 no Stone unturn'd (huds boors)
But only that that bar'd the Doors;
Ev'ry one else I mov'd, I'll swear,
And counsell'd here and counsell'd there,
And in my thoughts I had great strife,
' Cause business did concern my life  [...]—
:
One while I thought, when he should rise
And open door, to 'scape 'twixt Thighs.
But then I fear'd a thing, you know,
Which 'twixt his Thighs hung very low;
Then cloathed in Sheeep-skins, I thought
Upon all four we might be brought
Safe out, among the Flocks, you know it;
But then we had no time to do it.
Then faith, I thought to dress a Puppet
Up in my Clothes, and so to pop it
Before his face, and while he staid
Tormenting that, so to evade.
But when on these I could not rest,
At last this project lik'd me best  [...].
;
[Page 49]l'th' Cave were Rams with huge Black­wool;
I ne'r saw Rams so large and full;
I takes these Rams, Sir, three and three,
And ties them very chordially
Together, the middlemost did bear
One man, the other two took care;
Being bound on each side of the man,
To keep him from a foul trapan.
Thus six times three six men did carry
Under their breasts; but I, why? marry
Spying a Ram, the very best of' um,
Bigger and stronger than the rest os'um.
First stroakt him  [...].
 on the back, I'll tell ye,
Then gently slipt under his belly.
And there on his thick Fleece I hung
By Teeth and Nails all the night long
In mickle pain, till morn was seen,
When this Blind-beggar of Bednal-green
Open'd his door, and grop'd i'th'way
While Sheep past on; Ba-ba cry'd they,
[Page 50]'Cause now they were unmilkt, and so
Their Dugs were heavy, you must know.
But their wise Master (though he But I think he felt it.
 saw
No hurt we'd done) with greasie Paw
In wrath their backs did feel about,
Thinking to catch us there, no doubt;
Boobe! to think  [...].
, as I must tell ye,
That we preferr'd a back to belly.
But last of all the pocky Ram,
Loaded with me and's Wool, forth came;
Feeling whose back (in less than a yard
Besure he had got me by the Beard)
Blind Bayard thus began to prate,
' You lazy Rogue,  [...].
 pray, why so late
' Now come you forth with sober gate?
' When heretofore you still went first
' Unto the Streams to quench your thirst;
' And eke to field on Grass to feed,
' And home you us'd to hie with speed.
' But now thou'rt last; sure 'tis a grief
' For thee t'have seen Nemo this Thief;
[Page 51]' First make me drunk, then make me blind,
' Therefore, poor thing! thou stayst behind.
' Oh! never more, I plainly see,
' Will  [...].
 eye of Master fatten thee!
' Although the Villain, that hath done it,
' Is not, as I suppose,  [...].
 quite gone yet.
' (No faith think I thou blinking Prophet,
' 'Cause so near thee I'll not light-off yet.)
' But if, quoth he, my Ram thou canst
' But speak, for sure thou understandst,
' Hide  [...].
 not his hiding place; but shew it,
' (O Lord!) think I one Fart would do it.)
' Then I, quoth he, his Brains will scatter
' (And thought I, that's a weighty mat­ter.)
' Against the Walls, and so my mind
' Would after that some comfort find
' For th'blindness  [...]. Observe this Joque of Po­lyphem's.
 which old Nemo gave me.
(Poor Cluck, thought I the Devil save thee!)
[Page 52]Then he let sorth the Ram and me,
Unthankt for that Civility;
For Complements were out of fashion,
When I beheld him in such passion;
But when the Flocks some space had gone,
I dropt, and let the Ram go on.
So rising softly from the ground,
My other Friends I straight unbound
Them from Rams bellies, slily cropping
With Rams-piss and their own still drop­ping.
Then nimbly after this fine slip
We  [...].
 drove his Sheep unto our Ship.
Welcome to the Souldiers we appear
That scap't, but they that eaten were 1000
Stuck in their stomacks; yet by  [...].
 nod­ding [...].
I made the Chits leave off their sobbing,
And taking Sheep aboard to hasten,
If they desir'd t'escape a basting.
They such sad after-claps much fearing,
Fell slrait to rowing and to steering.
[Page 53]But when I thought us far enough,
To Polypheme I sent this huff:
' Cyclop! if you'd had any wit
' You'ld not have took me for a Chit;
' Nor serv'd my Servants in such manner
' To bang them worse than any Tanner;
' And greedier than a very Hog,
' Devour them like a Butcher's Dog.
' You could not see your good before,
' And now I think you'll scarce see more;
For Jove, and gods whom you so slight,
Have pleas'd to take away your sight;
And now you'd best go strike a Light.
This huffing to the Plucks so vext him,
That he laid hold of what was next him,
Which prov'd a  [...].
 Mountain wondrous great,
With which he hop'd to break my Pate,
And flung it, crying this (huds Dig­gars)
That man, whom e're it hits, disfigures.
[Page 54]And troth so neer the Poop it came,
We wondred at blind Archer's aim.
For Waves, being forced thus by Rock,
Recoil'd again unto the Dock;
And with the Waves our Ship return'd,
Which made me wish it sunk or burn'd:
But I my  [...].
 self, with Pole in hand,
Shov'd her off stiffly from the Land;
And nodding, bad my Sons of Whores
With treble force to ply their Oars;
While this same blinking Owl stood gape­ing,
And never knew of our escaping.
But when  [...].
 twice further we had row'd,
Thus o're the blinded Cock I crow'd:
But as I went to speak forsooth,
A Puppy claps his hand o're mouth;
And all my Friends on bended knees,
Beg'd earnestly I'ld hold my peace.
' Lord bless us! sure our Brains are mel­low
' Thus to provoke an angry Fellow,
[Page 55]' Who late you know with Hills and Rocks
' Had almost spoil'd us with a pox;
' For by that cast be flounc'd us back,
' And there we'd like t'have gone to wrack.
' If now he hears but the least noise, his
' Ear being guided by our Voices,
' He'll aim so well, that he'll e'n break
' The Organs by the which we speak.
' And ten to one he'll crack our Pates,
' He flings so deadly  [...].
 far at Quoits.
' But then, quoth I, pray Sirs, be still, now
' I'll speak, Cudsplutternails, I will now.
' D'ye think I'll put up so much wrong
' Without revenging with my Tongue?
' Faith I'll correct him in bravado,
' Far worse than with a bastinado.
' Then I roar'd out, Thou Buzzard Cyclop,
' As tall as any Cedar's high-top,
' If any chance to ask, what man
' Did give you such a clear trap-an
[Page 56]' To put your Eye out; (do ye see now?)
' You must not like a fool, say Nemo;
' But tell him 'twas the brave Ʋlysses,
' That makes a trade of conqu'ring Ci­ties,
' Born of Laertes, you may tell him,
' That hath in Ithaca his dwelling.
At this he fatcht deep sigh from heart,
Though many thought 'twas but a F—
And sobbing till he burst his Breeches,
He cry'd 'Good-  [...]
 -lack-a-day! how Witches
' Can tell mens Fortunes! I remember
' Once I'd a kind of Female friend here,
' A Gypsie, whom I made my Mate,
' 'Cause she'd a C— [...]
 so good and great.
' This Witch d'ye hear me now, was  [...]
 fa­mous
' From this place I believe to Samos,
' For knowing things as 'twere before­hand,
' And guessing by Face, Fingers or Hand;
[Page 57]' Of all hard things she scarce e're slipt one,
' For all the world like Mother Shipton;
' She said, One 'Lysses of Wit wayward,
' Should make me full as blind as Bayard.
' But I still thought, that it  [...].
 would be some-man
' Gigantick, or at least an handsom-man.
' When lo! an ugly Crump-back  [...].
Aesop,
' (When too much Wine he had made me sup,)
' Nay a meer Cow'rd hath blinded me now,
' And which is worse I cannot see now.
' But  [...].
 come Sir, seeing 'twas my Fate­ill
' To be as blind as any Beetle,
' Ʋlysses! I forgive you freely,
' (But softly, 'dsfoot I'am not so silly)
' And hope to make amends for th' future,
' With gifts of Silver, Gold and Pewter; 1100
' And if you'll come unto me friendly,
' I'll use you, faith now, very kindly,
[Page 58]' And then t'afford you speedy passage
' I'll send to Neptune an Ambassage:
' For he indeed's  [...],
 my Father, whence,
' (Granting the Major) Consequence
' Is plain, that I am Neptune's Son  [...]
,
' And so the disputation's done.
' Now he will eure me of this blindness
' Out of, you know, paternal kindness;
' For none, although he deals in Fish,
' An Abler Mountebank would wish.
The fat-Cheekt A Dutch Name, signi­fying a great Lubber, or in plain English a Loggerhead.
Vooden cog'd at this rate,
Hoping t'allure me unto his bait.
But I, whom beating had made wise,
Lolling out Tongue and rowling eyes,
Through very rancour of my heart, in­tended to school him thus at parting.
' Out on you, for a witless Coax,
' Blind, lousie, scabby, John-a-noaks;
' I'd find i'my heart, I'll tell you Sirrah,
' To come now strait and run you tho­rough!
[Page 59]' You Mackrel-back, bottle-nos'd Devil,
' I'll teach you Sirrah to be civil!
' What? call me Coward? was't not late
' I'ld break my Cudgel on your Pate.
' And then to call me Aesop's (Villain)
' I'm fairer than your Gipsie Gillian,
' And handsomer than your vile feature,
' Which is th'ill favourd'st thing in nature.
' Oh! if I had but time to come to ye,
' How I should tan your hide, and thump ye?
' And leave you by tormenting pains
' No more life than you now have brains;
' And no more blood than you have eye­sight.
' All this Il'd do to you by this light;
' And then  [...]
 I'ld see, if Neptune's kind­ness
' By Purge or Pills might cure your blind­ness.
He hearing this, devoutly crept on
His knees, and made his Prayer to Nep­tune.
[Page 60]' Black Sir,  [...].
 Farm-holder of the Earth!
' If thou art Author of my birth,
' Grant in this manner thy Sons wishes
' Against this ugly Dog Ʋlysses:
' So handle him with froth and scum o'th' Sea,
' That he to's Country ne're may come, d'ye see?
' But if 'tis destin'd, this Coxcomb
' In spight o'th' Devil must get home.
' E'n let the homely Puppy go,
' If Fate says, I, I'll not say no!
' But prethee, let him be so shatter'd,
' That he come home  [...].
 ragged and tat­ter'd,
' And as he evermore liv'd niggardly,
' In his return let him come beggarly,
' Neither in Ships of's own, nor Barges,
' But  [...].
 at some other People's charges.
' But for his  [...].
 other Comrades vile,
' Let them be ram'd and damn'd the while.
[Page 61]' And sunk so deeply, and so drown'd
' As never after to be found:
' And  [...].
 in his House let haughty Stran­gers
' Afflict him after forreign dangers.
' And prethee to compleat's disgrace,
' Let's Wife be swi—'d before his face.
Thus pray'd the Rogue incontinent,
And Neptune granted Prayers event:
When he, it seems, did fling another
Mountain, as big  [...].
 again as th'other,
With all the force and skill he had,
(For he was then He was so mad, he cou'd have eaten them with a corn of Salt, and a shovel full of Mustard.
 confounded mad)
'Thad like t'have quasht us all to fritters,
(Ev'n now for fear my Gizzard twitters)
Yet where we all suspected murther,
We saw, it only  [...]—
 drove us further:
But when we came unto our Isle
Where all the rest were lest this while,
We found our men crying  [...].
 Good lack amain,
For fear, we never should come back again.
[Page 62]There we took Land, and parted equally
The Cyclop's Sheep, we stole so sneeking­ly.
And unto me they gave to  [...].
 boot
The Ram, because I stuck close to't.
Which Ram to pay my Vows in love,
I offer'd to Cloud-squeezing Jove;
Giving to him Head, Horns, and Hide,
Because his power  [...].
 was far and wide,
But I my self eat all beside.
Yet he, pray mark his Ill conditions,
Contemn'd  [...].
 my off'ring and Petitions;
And even at that time, ungrateful!
He thought the lives of us all hateful.
And now  [...].
 was plotting to destroy
Our Ships and Men, my only Joy.
¶ But after off'ring made by Vicar,
We glibly tost down Bowls of Liquor,
Till Sol declin'd his Carret-pate.
And then, because 'twas pretty late,
We went to bed, and there we lay
Till th'Devil Or Lucifer, it's all one man.
 usher'd in the day.
[Page 63]And then, by my advice and counsel,
We nail'd an Horse-shoe on the groundsel 1200
Of that same lovely Island; which is
A wondrous spell, Sir, against your Witches.
Then we in dozens, and in scores,
Took Ship, and  [...].
 roundly ply'd our Oars,
Intending, though we found small sport in
Our Voyage, still to seek our fortune.
Griev'd for our Men slain by Fate lowring;
But glad  [...].
 that we escapt their scouring.

In both, Lines 2774.

FINIS.

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