THE RAMPANT ALDERMAN, OR NEWS FROM THE EXCHANGE, A FARCE.
LONDON, Printed, and are to be Sold by Randal Taylor, near Stationers-Hall. 1685.
THE RAMPANT ALDERMAN.
ACT. I. SCENE. I.
DEar Jack, I am glad to see thee with all my heart 'ifaith. How long hast thou been in Town?
Too long to my sorrow, Ned, except thy charming Sister Cordelia were kinder, the God of Love and I are still at Sword and Dagger about her. And I find too late, like a Fool as I am, in spite of my Blood he will be too hard for me.
Oh there's no Fence against a Flail, Jack. A pair of Black Eyes thou know'st, wound deeper then a Case of Pistols; but chear up Man, thou hast me on thy side, I know thou lov'st her Honourably.
Else let me never get the Heaven I sigh for. Sir, I am a man of Honour, and hate a base Action, as much as I do Cowardise.
I believe thee 'faith: And to be serious with thee, 'gad I had rather Pimp for thee than any Man in Christendom, that's the truth on't.
Pimp for me!
Ay, Jack, hold a Door neatly, Cough, and cry Hem, if any body come; thou understand'st me.
Sir, I dare not understand ye, nor would I hear this from any other Man—'tis well you are her Brother.
Come, prithee be not Angry, thou art a brave Fellow, and I love thee. And by this Hilt thou shalt have a Touch with my Sister— in spite of the Musty Alderman, or e're a Lowsie Plush Jacket in Christendom. I hope thou canst dispence with a touch with her in the Bed of Honour, Jack.
Ay Boy, there indeed a Touch with her would make a Man Immortal: But what Alderman is this thou speak'st of?
Why, Sir, a Jack-o-lent, with a Jack Chain about him: An old drivling, fribling, fumbling Fobus, that makes Love to her. And is so damnably Rich, and withal so confoundedly Lecherous, that he thinks 'tis no more but up and ride with her.
The Divel choak him with the Furs of his own Gown. What's to be done Friend?
That's as Time shall try. See here comes my Sister and my Cousin Julia, whom I'll take aside to give you opportunity: Go put up briskly to her, d'ye hear?
Madam, tho the Charms of your Beauty are not to be resisted by any thing compos'd of Flesh [Page 3]and Blood as I am, yet a little good Nature too, would add another Charm greater than all, and give me hopes of Life, that am despairing by your Cruelty.
If Women, Sir, were always to be won with Words, the grand Deceivers of our Sex, would have a true occasion to condemn our Easiness; but I'm resolv'd to turn the Scale, and prove, that once there was a Woman gain'd by Merit.
Ah, let me know in what I'm deficient, and I'll reform my self— but I see plainly you have made another Choice, and I am damn'd to all the Hell of Rigour in your Frowns. Oh cruel Sex! too Fair, and too Ingrateful!
What a Devil's the Matter now? Why how now Ned, what watring thy Plants already. 'dsHeart, they make Love just like Cats, they are always either Howling, or Scratching one another.
They come the nearer then to the nature of the Business; for Love in its best quality, is but a kind of Caterwauling, the He Cat follows the She into the Parlour, then presently the She runs after the He into the Garret, where there is such an eternal Mew betwixt 'em, just like that Gentleman's making Love for all the World.
Does my Integrity and constant Passion deserve to be thus slighted?
When you have work'd upon my good Opinion a proof of your Integrity, you may be better us'd; till when, let me advise you to leave Angling, Sir, the Fish will not be Caught, I can assure ye.
Our Sex by Profit often is Betray'd,
But Worth shall win me, or I'll die a Maid.
Fare ye well, Sir, take care she does not see the Onion you have wrapt up in your Handkerchief, [Page 4]for you have Tears at command, I see. 'And to my knowledg, a Man can no more weep without an Onion, than he can make Love without Lying; they are both absolutely necessary. And so sweet Sir, your humble Servant. Ha, ha, ha.
Ah, the Devil fleer ye; 'dsheart this Jillflirt, gigling young Quean, will jeer me to Death, I shall never be able to look her in the face agen.
Ah, Pox on't, you must, you must: What a Lover and want Confidence, such a one would be a strange Monster indeed. But come prithee, let's go and contrive how to Supplant this Old Fusty Alderman; for if he intends to Cut up my Sister like a young Virgin Pullet, by this Light, I'll cut him like an Old Capon; he shall be as bare as the Eunuchs in the Grand Signior's Seraglio. I'll see what the Alderman has in his Purse for once.
I think he may spare the Jewels in it, for any good his Worship will do with 'em. But prithee Jack, Is not this he that was always voting Mischief against the King, and speaking Treason in the Common Council?
The very same, the most Notorious Whig in all the Fraternity.
There's some hopes then he may be hang'd in time, that the Fraternity may be rid of him.
No doubt, but Fate has some such Blessing in store for him; he keeps company with two Sham Elders, which he stiles by the Title of Doctors, forsooth, the one squeaks Sedition to him in the Coffee-House, and the other Cants it in the Conventicle.
Ay, I hope I shall see 'em Cant it at the Gallows too; prithee do, I know 'em Jack.
Oh, without doubt, the one is Doctor Oylyfist, [Page 5]the sneaking Non-Con. of Spittle-Fields, and the other of Famous Memory, is—
Doctor Oats.
Ah, well guess'd my Noble Heart, 'gad thou art right.
Why then, farewel Mr. Alderman, if that Noble Doctor keeps ye Company, the Gibbet is like to feel your weight, I'm sure.
'dsHeart, here he comes, and Company with him: 'Tis high Change time, and the place will fill presently, therefore let's be gone, for I would not have him see us.
Nor I neither, I am not so fond of his Company.
Is thy name Booby?
Yes, and't please your Worship. I'm a true Booby by Father and Mother.
What Country-Booby are ye?
I'm a Buckinghamshire Booby, and please ye, and of a very ancient Family.
How so?
Why my Father was a Miller of Maidenhead, and he having a great occasion for a Wife, Married one Katharine Crack of Carnarvan; so that betwixt the Boobies of Buckingham, and the Cracks of Carnarvan, I am as arrant a Booby as ever you saw.
Very well, Friend, if thou art Industrious, thou mayst come to great Preferment; 'tis many a Boobies case as Times go, for 'tis a very lucky Name, I promise ye, and comes near the Baboons, a very rich Family of our Party here in the City.
I have heard great talk of the City Baboons indeed: Is your Worship any kin to 'em?
Troth Friend, there is some Relation betwixt us. Sir Bartlemy Baboon married Mrs. Clawbuttock, of Highgate, and had Issue by her two Baboons.
And never a Monky.
But then comes in Sir Timothy Thrum, my Great Grandfather, and he Claw'd up the Widow Clawbuttock, and got by her Toby Thrum, and Thomas Thrum, Talbot Thrum, and Tomasine Thrum, and my self, a second Timothy Thrum, who were all Married to rich Fortunes. And—
And so they Thrum'd one another to the end of the Chapter.
But no more of this. I find thee a very fit Fellow for my Service, and therefore do Entertain thee. Thou canst Lye for me to a Lady that I am in Love with, canst not?
Yes, and lie with her too, if you would have me.
How, Sirrah, lie with her!
With her Chambermaid, I mean, and't please your Worship: I have a great Impediment in my Speech.
Alas, alas, well, prithee observe me, there is a Rich young Lady that's in Law, and just come to Town to have her Business done.
There are a great many, Sir.
What, Sir?
Young Ladies, that come to Town to have their Business done.
Go too, you Wag, mark me what I say, This young Lady is extreamly troubled.
With the Griping of the Guts, Sir.
Guts, Sirrah: No, with Impertinent Suitors, Sirrah, which I intend to deliver her from, and to that end have wrigled my self into her Acquaintance.
Your Worship does very well to wrigle your self into any part of her.
Well said, i'faith, witty Booby, there's a Brumigham Groat for that saying, to incourage thee.
A Pox on your Bounty: What a rare Brumigham Master shall I have?
Here comes my Daughter, your first business must be to hand her Home, and keep all Fluttering Suitors from her; especially a Huffing Frenchman, that's just come from the Siege of Luxemburg.
And intends to blow up her Mine, does he Master?
He does so Booby, ingenious Booby, he does so. There's something more for thee, for that saying.
A Queen Elizabeth Threepence, just as thin as his Conscience. Why, I am made for ever, I shall roul in Money at this rate.
Go Daughter, go Home with him: And let me have no more Parleys with your French Kickshaw, d'ye hear?
My Duty shall be shown in my Obedience, Sir.
And in the Evening I'll prepare Lovissit, my young Mistris, 'tis such a pretty little twinkling Rogue, such a bucksome Shape, and such a [...]ound plump Buttock, that I am almost Mad for her. I Dream of her a Nights, and Sigh for her a Days; [Page 8]and when I meet with her at Church, cannot mind one word of the Sermon for staring at her. Well, I must have a Bout with her, come what will on't.
ACT. II.
VAt a Diable is de matra, dat me can finda no Person in dis House, what hoa, where is dis Rich Alderman, and de pret sweet young Lady his Daughter, dat is to be my Wife. Mounsieur, Jack, Toby, Man, Womans, or Shild, where are you all?
What the Devil have we got here, a French Flap-Dragon, just spit out of Monsieur Crequy's Mouth, and come to Invade us in our own Quarters. I'll Quarter him. I'll be too nimble for him i'faith. I'll quarter him with my Quarter-staff here if he be not Civil. How now, Sir, who are you, hah?
Who am I, Zoon, look in my Face, vat a Diable can you not see?
Yes, I can see, and you shall feel too, if you han't more Manners; I'll tell you that Monsieur Basimicue.
Scoundrel Valet, keep your distance, and reverence my Profession, I am a Souldier.
And a very Impudent one, as ever I saw.
I am just come from de Seige of Luxemburg, my Name is Capitain La Bounce.
La Bounce, a Plague on your Family, there's many a poor Spaniard the worse for 'em to my knowledg. But what make you here good Captain Bounce, hah?
I come to speak vid de Rish Alderman, and de fair Lady his Daughter; I intend to Marry her and den lie vid her like a Souldier, and a Gentleman.
A Gentleman. And is that like a Gentleman, to come into an Aldermans House without Knocking? D'ye hear Madg in the Kitchin there, look about your Dishes and Plates, and see if the Gentleman has Stole nothing.
Morblieu, me Steal: Poltroon such another word, me will scoure my Rapier in thy small Gut.
Hark'e, Captain Bounce, if you put your French Tricks upon me, I shall Bounce your Noddle with my Quarter-staff here, for I am a Gentleman too, and my Name is Booby.
De Boobies are de base beggerly Famillee.
You lye like a Potgun as you are, and here's my Voucher.
And tho I am no Souldier, I will Thrash a Souldier if you provoke me, Monsieur la Bougre je parle mieux Francois que vous. There's French for ye, ye Son of a Whore.
O Mordieu, sit grand Confidance.
What a Pox d'ye think we have no Breeding amongst us, ha? You shall find we have, and Courage too. And so have at you, good Monsieur Snuff-Box.
How now, what's the matter here?
No great matter. I was only Cracking French Crowns into English Groats: Have ye enough yet, good Captain Bounce?
This is the French Fantastick Officer, that pretends to have authority to be my Husband.
Does he so? I shall pretend to cut his Throat then.
And I think I shall have a blow at his Skull, if he intend to breed his Mungrel Off-spring amongst us.
Ay, you may have blows at it if you will, but to hurt it is impossible; his Skull is harder than my Quarter-staff.
J [...]ime at the Siege of Mons, me vas two time shot troo de Head with a Cannon Bullet.
Well said Monsieur 'ifaith, that was a French Swinger.
Oh damn'd lying Rogue! shot through the Head with a Cannon Bullet.
Peace Booby, let's hear him.
I vas blown up in de Mine at Luxemburg, and vas one of the formost of those dat took de last Bastion. I have bin in ten Storm at Sea, seen both the Gulf of Venice and Florida, and de very Navel of de World, you Scoundrel, and shall I be effronted thus? No, dere will comes times for Revenge, I say dere will, and so Serviture Messieur, serviture.—
Monsieur votre tres humble. There's more French for ye, ye Son of a Whore you.
'Tis such a Conceited Ass, there's no enduring him.
Yet I am so plagu'd with his Impertinent Addresses, that I am almost weary of my Life; there's never a day but I am fore'd to spend two Hours in hearing his French Giberish Courtship.
To as much effect, I hope, as his French Valour was at Luxemburg. No, dearest Madam, I hope you never will forget my constant Services.
Never whil'st they are constant Services.
Which never last above a Month and a Day. A Man of the Town puts off his Passion just like an Old Suit; he must have a New one every Month, or else he grows Slovenly.
But mine to fair Cordelia lasts for ever. Oh that I had the grace to be believ'd, or that my Love could enter at thy Ears, and tell her heart how truly I adore her.
Come Ned, thou shalt find she does resent thy Fidelity. I catch'd her napping this Morning, Boy, and have a fine Story to tell thee.
Nay, Brother, what d'ye mean!
Nothing but Honesty, Sister. But I tell thee once agen, Jack shall have a Touch with thee, and there's an end.
Here's Mr. Alderman just now hobling in, by this Light; therefore shift for your selves Gallants.
Now, Sister, do but Nigle him finely, and let me alone to carry on the rest.
Pray, dear sweet Madam, make a Fool of my Father, for I hate to see him Doat at these Years.
If he has no more Wit than he has Ability in Love Matters, he shall find I am Match enough for him, if he were Forty Years younger.
Speak softly, here he comes.
Where are ye Booby?
Here, Sir, here.
Go to Mr. Rump the Poulterer, and bid him send me in a brace of Partridges, tell him, I intend to make a Collation to Night.
I must bring ne'r a fat Capon and Sawsages with me, must I Sir?
An Extravagant Rogue. A Capon, what to do Rogue? what to do?
The Lady has brought her Coachman with her, we must have something for him, Sir.
Why bring a Capon then, and be Poxt t'ye, this Rogue will undo me with Expences. And d'ye hear, Sirrah, when you are there, step to Mr. Codshead the Fishmonger, and bring a Cock-Lobster: Do kou know a Cock-Lobster, Sirrah?
Ay, Sir, as well as I know you to be a Cock-Alderman.
What an arch Dog 'tis, a Cock Alderman! Get ye gone Sirrah; the Rogue will make me Laugh forty times a Day.— 'Odso, here's the
Lady, and now me-thinks I am very Cockish indeed. Madam, your humble Servant, I made bold to send my Daughter to Invite ye to a Dish of Meat, and the Fiddles.
And you see I have obeyed your Summons, Mr. Alderman.
Blessing on thy Heart, and we'll be as Merry as the Beggars 'ifaith, and thou shalt see me Dance a Jigg presently. 'Odso, me-thinks I could Cut a Caper [Page 13]up to thy Middle, I am so Active; Leap, Vault, do the Sommerset like a Boy of Eighteen, and Jump over a Stick like a Spaniel.
But not for the King of England? I hope Sir.
The King of England, no not I: I'de not Jump over a Straw for him. For a certain Duke, that shall be Nameless, I could Jump, tho the Joynt-Stool were as high as the Exchange.—
And you broke your Neck on t'other side. What a wonderful thing is Zeal for the good Old Cause.
I see the Witty Baggage knows I am a Whig. Come prithee Sweet Heart, sit down, and let's leave the good Old Cause to its self, and Tope about a Glass of good old Sack: Beatrice, here take my Keys, and reach me the Bottle on your Left-hand, next the Door, you'll find a—
written Paper on it,— go bring it hither quickly.
You are wonderful Brisk to Day, Mr. Alderman.
What should ail me, Sweet Heart? what should ail me? I am not so Old yet, but I can pay a Bill at sight, as well as one and Twenty, Girl. Think of that, Sweet-heart, think of that.
Ay, but there's a witty Saying, Sir,
Think you of that, Mr. Alderman.
A plaguey cunning Quean, 'odzooks, I was never so Nonplus'd in my Life. But I must not seem to be concern'd,—
Ah would we were in Bed together, to try how well I could Pay. Come, Beatrice, where are ye?
Here it is, Sir.
Let me see.— The Liquor of Generation.
Ay, this is it. Here's that will make the Blood dance, 'ifaith.— Go, Beatrice, go and take care Supper be well Ordered, and let the Fiddlers be ready, d'ye hear?
Yes, Sir,— I know this is only to get me out of the way: But I'll sit him, for I'll place Mr. Rover her Brother, and the rest, where they shall hear all.
Fair Lady, come faith, here's a Health to your Maidenhead.
Oh, fie Sir!
Nay, nay, this over Modesty spoils all, it does 'ifaith.— Come, it shall be Drunk.— Nay, faith, we'll have a Health to my performance too, presently.
Will you so, Sir,— Very well indeed. 'sHeart, how the old Goat tickles himself.
Indeed, Mr. Alderman, this Discourse is too loose: Pray consider who I am.
Who thou art? Why thou art to be mine, Sweet heart.
I had rather you were Hang'd as high as the Monument, Sweet-heart.
I could never have imagin'd Heaven had so great a Blessing in store for me, to lie snug upon those delieate Breasts, to be embraced in those Arms, Ah.—
Ah, you'll have another Tone when you are Guelt, good Alderman Stallion.
Fie, fie, indeed I must not endure this. If your Love is honourable, pray keep your distance?
Prithee excuse me. Faith, I am so transported, I know not what I do. Then what a Neck is there for a Row of Pearls to glitter on,—Ah!
Ah, now he comes to't.
And this pretty little, little Foot, what an incomparable provoking show it would make with a pair of Diamond Buckles on it: Zooks I must kiss it, I cannot forbear,— I must kiss it 'ifaith.
For shame, Mr. Alderman, this is beyond enduring.
Now does the old Rogue, I warrant, stink like a Filchard.
A Suit of Point for that Head, and Rings for that pretty soft Hand, whose Touch or Grasp, would raise a Man to Life, if he had been dead a Week, ah!
Ah,— brave Alderman Rampant!
Well, I am strangely provok'd, I know not what to do she has so provok'd me,— ah Rogue.
Either be more Civil, and touch me no more, or I'm resolv'd I'll call out, and expose ye.
Well, well, I will be patient, I will, I will. But as long as I did not touch thee about the Middle, as the Song says, what needs all this Coyness? And now I think on't, shall I sing an old Catch to thee, Sweet-heart?
Any thing to keep ye more Tame.
Come on then.— And the Theme shall be a touch about the Middle,— ah Rogue.
Come, come, begin.
How now, Sirrah, how dare you intrude without Coughing or Hemming first, ha? Han't I told you of that?
Hem, hem, I come to tell ye that Supper is ready, Sir: and the Fidlers have just rozin'd their Throats and their Guts; and are preparing to strike up, Sir.
Let 'em strike up then, and bid my Servants give us the Dance we had last Christmas.
So, so, very well, come Sweet-heart, now to Supper. And after I have warm'd my Blood with another Bottle, it shall go hard but I'll have a Bout with her before-hand, 'ifaith.
You shall be Guelt before that happens, sweet Alderman, 'ifaith. Wilding, go you and inform the [Page 17]Neighbours of the Business, and get a Constable ready, we'll hamper this old Whipster.
ACT III. SCENE I.
I Have made the Coachman so Drunk yonder, that he mistakes his Coach-boot for his Coach-box, so that he can discover nothing of my Design, I'm sure. And now the time is coming, when I shall prove my self to be no Booby nor Fool to the Alderman, but Mr. Lovewel, a Gentleman, and got into his Service for the Love I bear his Daughter. 'Tis a strange Old Fellow.— He has Drag'd and Drawn the Lady so about the Room yonder, that he wants nothing but Hanging and Quartering her, to make a meer Traytor of her. 'Tis well she's made of Country Mould, i'faith; if she had been of the Town Pocky Stuff, a Leg or an Arm had been lost in the Service long before this. And yonder they are all watching him, with a design to surprize him at it. Well, if he chance to want my help, he shall pay for't, i'faith, and then we may chance to find a Trick for their Trick, but there must be Money in the Case; for I have no Wit without Money, nor ever had in my Life. Here he comes, I'll slink behind the Door, and observe.
Such a Rudeness as this, ought to be Punish'd with more than common Severity.
Prithee deer Pug, don't talk of Severity, but let me Kiss thee; I must Kiss thee faith, never stir I Must.
You'l stink for your stirring, I find that, presently.
If there be Law, or Honour, or Justice in the Nation, I'll be Reveng'd; you shall know what I am, and what Friends a Woman of my Quality can find to do her Reason. Marry come up, must I be oblig'd to hear your fulsome Folly, your stale nasty bawdy Jokes, stoln from the Witless Drolls in Bartholomew Fair? Must I be your Property, d'ye intend me for your Scotch-warming-Pan, you old Fornicator you?
She opens well, i'faith, she's a sure Hound, I warrant her.
How sharp the Rogue is, when she would pretend to be Angry: But I know this is but a Copy of her Countenance, I am not to be Fob'd off so, i'faith. Therefore
Then your design was to make a Whore of me, was it so, Grandsir Grey-beard?
A Whore! Oh, fie, fie, that's a paw word. No, no, a Miss, or so, if thou would'st, my Dear. [Page 19]Oons, why should not I keep a Miss as well as e're a young long-back'd Fop in the Town, I'm sure I am as well able?
Ye lye, Master, ye lye, you are too weak in the Back; besides there are things wanting, Age has made a meer Capon of ye.
Thou keep a Miss! What wouldst thou do with her, or with any Woman else? Unless 'twere to buckle her Shooes, hold her Gloves, or Usher her to Guild-hall on a Lord-Mayors Day.
Yes, I could pay her Family Duties, Sweetheart.
There you lye agen, Master, that you could not to my knowledg.
Duty.— The best Duty thou couldst pay, were to hold the Door for some abler young Fellow, that would take pity on her. 'dsDeath, you feeble, fulsome, fribling Fumbler, let me go, or I'll force my way; I'll be at thee by this Light.
What, thou wilt not Rogue, thou art not in Earnest: Thou canst not Fight, canst thou? If thou wilt Jerk me a little, with all my heart, faith; and I'll go fetch Rods, I keep 'em ready in the House upon all occasions.
Nay, I'll Flaug your Worship, if you come near me.
'Odsheart, she'll be too hard for him, I see by her. Now who shall we get to be the 'tother Second, for I am resolv'd to make one?
But prithee, let's leave off Fighting, and fall to Loving agen. I Die, I Languish for thee, I am Sick, Love-sick, Sick to the quick; if thou wilt not believe me, I'll shew thee my— 'Odsings, it was just coming out.
Impudent Satyr, stand off.
Nay faith, 'tis impossible, I must Rumble, and Tumble, and Jumbl, if you will not consent by fair means; I am resolv'd to Ravish, and there's an end on't.
Nay then, Help, help,— Murder,
Rape, Murder, help, help,—
Break open the Doors there, 'tis my Sisters voice; I'll have the Doors open.
Oh, I expected this! 'Odsheart, how Mr. Alderman looks now?
Oh, thanks to Providence, 'tis my Brother's voice. Now, Goat, Stallion, you shall find what 'tis to abuse a Woman of my Quality.
Oh Booby!
Oh, Master, what have you done?
Oh, Booby, I am Ruin'd, Undone, Disgrac'd for ever; I have got
The Pox, Sir.
Ah, worse, worse, Eternal Shame, perpetual Ignominy; I shall be a By-word to the World, and hooted out of the Exchange.
Why you han't Ravish'd her, I dare swear, Sir.
No, I have not Ravish'd her, 'tis true, but I would have don't if I could, Booby; I was just upon the Business.
Why, faith, and to be just upon the Business, and yet come off again so soon, shows great constancy of Mind, Master.
Ah, there's a damn'd Apothecary, my Neighbour, a jeering Rogue, that if ever he should come to know it, I were no Man of this World; I should be t [...]iz'd to Death.
You must get him Poyson'd with one of his own Drugs, I think, Master.
Where is this Abominable Villain, this Goat, this Ravisher? Break open all the Doors there; I'll cut him in pieces, if there were no more Men alive.
Oh, what shall I do!
They are coming up Stairs. Come, Sir, what will you give me to free you from this trouble now?
Oh, any thing, dear Booby, here are a hundred Guineys in this Purse, I give 'em thee with all my heart, and any thing else that thou wilt demand, set me but clear of that Tarmagant Roaring Rascal.
Come set your Hand to't, here's a Note drawn up for that purpose.
I with all my Heart.
So, so, now get ye into that Chest there.
That Chest, Booby.
Ay, ay, quick, quick, leave the rest to me.
Ah, dear Booby, I am bound to thee for ever.
Now will I swear to them, that I saw him get out of a Window upon the Leads to the next House, which they believing me their Friend, will doubtless give credit to.
The next Room open that, the Rascal has hid himself there.
Indeed, Gentlemen, here's no one here but my self; the Alderman is got out of the Window to the other side of the House.
Oh, dear Booby, well, never Man had such a Servant.
Ah, have I caught ye, Mr. Booby, 'ifaith. This Rogue turns Cat in Pan, and has hid my Father there in the Chest, and now for the sake of Money, intends to put a Trick upon us; 'twas well I had the Curiosity of Peeping, for I'll go and discover all his Roguery immediately.
'Odsheart, who is this I see? Mrs. Beatrice. Nay then the cunning Gipsie has discovered all, I'm sure. Come turn out, Sir, quickly turn out, I must have a Counterplot instantly, or all's Ruin'd.
What's the matter Booby?
Come out, come out, quick, quick.
Oh, I fancy they have got the Tokens of my Manhood in a Cleft Stick already.
Come, strip, strip, change Clothes and Hats with me presently,— I'll fit them with a Plot, 'ifaith.
Oh, heavenly Booby!
So, now as you take my place, I'll take yours, and let 'em come in when they please.
Most incomparable Booby! 'Odsnigs, I begin to be a little in Heart.— This was a rare Invention of the Rogue.
There, there, those Stairs on the Righthand.
I tell ye, ye are mistaken, the Alderman is gone.
Ye lying Rascal, we have discovered your Villany, Sirrah, and will reward ye; in the mean time take that and that.
Ah, with all my heart, and so farewel t'ye. Oh rare Booby.
There, there's the Chest, let's see what's in it.
A huge bundle of Iniquity, no doubt on't.
Hang him filthy Brute, he is too bad to live; come pull him out Brother, that I may be Reveng'd.
Oh, are you here, Sir?
Yes, Sir, I am here, Sir.
How, Booby!
Ay, ay, the very same, I am Booby, Sir.
And dress'd like the Alderman, these are Wonders: Who's that went out then?
Oh, 'twas the Devil, Gentlemen, he has been Tormenting me this three Hours.
If it was the Devil, 'twas a strange fat bulky Devil; I am sure he had Substance enough, as my Cudgel here can witness.
Madam, I heartily beg your pardon for my Rudeness to ye; alas, I was Possest.
Why was it you then all the while?
Me, me, only me: I have been Tempted this two days, to take the good Aldermans Habit to abuse you,— by that Devil that went out just now.
How came he by your Livery on?
Ay, 'tis a thieving Devil, he has some Frolick to play in it.
Nay, the Devil has strange Tricks with him now and then, that's the truth on't.
Come, come, let's go down and Examine this Business more narrowly; for howe'r you took this Shape to affront my Sister, to day; I'm sure, the Ranck Alderman was in his own Shape Yesterday.
Pish, this must be a Lye: Will this Fellow make me believe, that the Devil could Eat and Drink with me.
How should the Devil get into our House?
Come, come, we shall find out the Lye immediately, and so come along Friend.
Ay, with all my heart: And if you find it to be a Lye,
What then:
Why you have it as cheap as I, and so take it among ye.
SCENE. II.
WAs there ever till this Moment, any Alderman of the City in such a Garb? Truly, I believe not since the Conquest. I have known many a Fool in the Habit of an Alderman, but never till now, an Alderman in the Habit of a Fool. Well Timothy Thrum, keep thy Shame to thy self if thou art wise; now would I fain know how Booby gets out of his Tribulation. 'Tis a witty Rogue, and no doubt was design'd for a Whig by his admirable Cunning.— But stay, who have we here?
Oh, Monsieur Rascale, have a me catch you, and vidout your Quarter-staff? Dat is ver' well now, me vull be revenge and cut your Troat, you Rogue.
Oh, Lord, what shall I do? He takes me for Booby, and will Murder me.
Zoon, you Dog, how dare you affront a Souldier, and a Gentleman hoh?
Oh, Lord, I ne're affronted ye, Sir, not I.
You lye like Son of Whore, and for dat me will Gueld a you.
Oh, what does he, will Gueld me!
You shall not have one Stone to tro at a de Dog, nor Arm, nor Leg to stand upon, you Poltroon.
Indeed, noble Sir, you mistake me, I am not the Person you take me for; I am a very honest Fellow, Sir, and your Worships most humble Servant.
Ah, wheedling Rogue, but dis shall not serve your turn: Remember the Quarter-staff, Rogue, remember dat, and dere is for you, and dere, and dere.
O Lord, I shall be Murdered. Pray, Sir, hold, and believe me, indeed I am not the Person you take me for.
Not de Person, vat a Diable are you den? Come along vid me to de Aldermans House, me fall soon know de truth of dat; Come, come along.
Oh, by no means, Sir.
Oh, by all means, Sir, you may be do Rogue that run away and Rob him, I must know dat: Along, along, Troop, troop.
Oh, what shall I do, this is worse then all.— If he brings me thither, I shall be discovered and disgrac'd for ever.
Oh, dam Rogue, vat you make face at, hah? Morblieu, dis must a be some Rascal Teef dat have stola something.— Come along, along.
Oh, what shall I do, my Name will be a By-word to the Brethren, and my Reputation like a dead Dog, will stink above Ground.
SCENE. III.
I Told you this lying Villain only put a Trick upon us, and on my Conscience, has not told us one word of truth in the whole Story.
Nay, the Rogue has a lying, leering, fleering Dog-face. Sirrah, I shall see that Face of yours upon the Gate-house one time or other, fronting Sir Thomas.
I believe, forsooth, you would rather desire to see my Buttock there, if the truth were known.
Any Limb would serve.
Ay, ay, any will serve, and one of 'em must come there, or else the Features of his Face are damn'd Lyers.
I had rather you were all Hang'd there, I deal plainly with ye.
Vere, vere is dis Alderman, me have brought a dam Rogue Rascalle, dat me believe have Rob him.
How's this, the Alderman in Disguise, and brought back by Captain La Bounce; this was Luck 'ifaith.
Your Servant, good Mr. Alderman.
Your obedient Vassal, sweet Mr. Alderman.
Your most Devoted, good Alderman Rampant.
Zoon, is dis the Alderman himself? Vat a rare Plot is dis now? Me vul have his Daughter, or me vul swear Fellony and Robbery against him Jeime.
Jeime, if you swear your self to the Gallows, you shall not have her.
What, do I see my dear Friend Will Lovewell?
The same, Sir, and no more Booby now, Mr. Alderman. I have a Note of your Hand here, which shall be either for Ten Thousand Pounds, or your Daughter.— You know my old Love to her, and shall now know I got into your Service for her sake.
I am Confounded, and know not what to say. Take me, tear me to pieces, do what you will with me.
No, no, we'll be more merciful than so: You shall only be Expos'd a little, and make Reparation for Affronts: You are Rich, Mr. Alderman.
I shall have my Shame sung in Ballads to scurvie Tunes, 'twill be News all over the Exchange by to Morrow at this time. Oh I will shut my self up in my Counting-house, and never see the World agen.
You will do the less Mischief, my Rampant Senator; but now to our Business in this World. Madam, this should be an hour of Mirth and Joy faith; surprize me with your Hand now, and say you are Mine.
There, Sir. This may be the Critical Minute for ought you know.
And what say you to me, pretty Mrs. Brisk.
Why, faith, there's mine too; hang't, I hate to stand out when any good Game is going forward.
Our Hands and Hearts are pair'd already.
I hope so, dear Lovewel, I'm sure I have shed many a Tear since my Father forbid thee our House.
Vat a Diabla, must I have ne're a Metresse den? Morblieu, me will fight vid every one of you. Take your Metresse away, and beget a Generation of Souldiers dat shall scour the World, and defie the Devil and Fortune, and dat is the Resolution of Captain La Bounce.
And so Bounce off good Captain, unless you will make one in a Dance; the Alderman has Fidles in the House already, come strike up.