PANTAGRUEL's VOYAGE TO THE Oracle of the BOTTLE. Being the Fourth and Fifth Books OF THE WORKS OF FRANCIS RABELAIS, M. D. WITH The Pantagruelian Prognostication, and other Pieces in Verse and Prose by that Author: Also his Historical Letters. Compleating all his Works that are Extant. Never before printed in English.
Done out of French by Mr. Motteux.
With Explanatory Remarks on every Chapter by the same Hand.
LONDON: Printed for Richard Baldwin, near the Oxford-Arms in Warwick-Lane. 1694.
To the Honourable HUGH HARE Esq
I Would not imitate those Authors who fly fo [...] Protection to Persons that are unable, or unwilling to grant it. Your Love for Learning prompting You to countenance the Well-meant Endeavours of Studious Men, You have condescended to extend Your Favours even to me. This, SIR, made me so presumptuous as to relish no other Method of owning the Debt I cannot pay, and at the same time prepossessing the Reader in my Favour, than by dedicating this Transla [...]ion of the best Work of France's g [...]eatest Wit to You, who have made [...]he Copy of the Master-piece of one [Page] of Italy's best Historians outshine the beautiful Original. For, whatever my Performance be, most Readers will as little doubt its being good, because offer'd to so great a Judge, as they would be apt to mistrust a Child's Legitimacy, to whom they saw a Man of Nice Honour stand Godfather. Indeed, as Those who have no Children may be thought more oblig'd to be thus Trustees for those of others, and make amends for not begetting any; so Those whose Pens produce nothing, seem more engag'd to take care of the Offspring of other mens Brains, than those whose fertile Minds, like Yours, are like to people the learned World with manly and charming Productions. Yet this do's not excuse the latter from appearing in Behalf of those who stand in need of their charitable good Word, when usher'd in to the World. Besides, as He who never had any Progeny is less likely to secure a good Fame to that of others, than a Person whose honourable Offspring evinces his Capacity [Page] for such a Christian-like Office; so he who never writ can hardly so effectually save a Book from Damnation, as one who having enrich'd the Public with valuable Pieces, is acknowledg'd a competent Judge in the matter. Till Occasion calls, and You consent to leave the Study of the best Ancients and Moderns, to devote Your Self wholly to what You love more than Your Ease, I mean Your Country, it hopes, SIR, to be oblig'd to You for such Presents, the Product of the hours, that divide those during which You either bless Your Friends with Your Conversation, or Your Self with that of a Consort, whose outward Graces are attended with all the Beauties of the Mind. May Your Happiness, like Your Vertues, admit of no Allay; Be still the Joy of a Noble Father, who doubly lives, while he sees the Heir to his Honours, already like himself, adorn'd with the most essential Nobility, when he sees in You so ripe a Judgment, so calm and sedate a Mind, in [Page] so flourishing a Youth, so universal a Learning without any Tincture of Affectation or Pedantry, so great a Knowledge of the World without the least Acquaintance with its Vices; and, above all, so charming a Modesty, that Vertue which shuns a Lustre, yet heightens that of every other. But that Darling of Yours causes me to draw a Veil over those other Accomplishments, which, as they endear You to all Mankind, would have made me ambitious of owning my self Your Admirer, tho I were not otherwise bound to profess my self with all imaginable Zeal and Respect,
The Translator's Preface.
I Don't know what kind of a Preface I must write to find thee Courteous, an Epithete too often bestow'd without a Cause. The Author of this Work has been as sparing of what we call Good Nature, as most Readers are now adays. So I'm afraid his Translator and Commentator is not to expect much more than has been shew'd them. What's worse, there are but two sorts of taking Prefaces, as there are but two kinds of Prologues to Plays; for, Mr. Bays was doubtless in the right, when he said, That if Thunder and Lightning could not fright an Audience into Complaisance, the sight of the Poet with a Rope about his Neck, might work them into Pity. Some indeed have bullied many of you into an Applause, and rail'd at your Faults, that you might think them without any; and others, more safely, have spoken kindly of you, that you might think, or at least speak as favourably of them, and be flatter'd into Patience. Now I fancy there's nothing [Page ii] less difficult to attempt than the first method; for, in this blessed Age, 'tis as easy to find a Bully without Courage, as a Whore without Beauty, or a Writer without Wit; though those qualifications are so necessary in their respective Professions: The mischief is, that you seldom allow any to rail besides your selves, and and cannot bear a Pride which shocks your own. As for wheadling you into a liking of a Work, I must confess it seems the safest way; but tho Flattery pleases you well when 'tis particular, you hate it, as little concerning you, when 'tis general. Then we Knights of the Quill are a stiff-neck'd Generation, who as seldom care to seem to doubt the worth of our Writings, and their being lik'd, as we love to flatter more than one at a time; and had rather draw our Pens, and stand [...]p for the Beauty of our Works (as some Errant [...]ls us'd to do for that of their Mistresses) to the last drop of our Ink. And truly this Submission which sometimes wheadles you into Pity, as seldom decoys you into Love, as the aukward Cringing of an Antiquated Fop, as Moneyless as he's Ʋgly, affects an experienc'd [Page iii] Fair One. Now we as little value your Pity, as a Lover his Mistress's, well satisfi'd that 'tis only a less uncivil way of dismissing us. But what if neither of these two ways will work upon you, of which doleful Truth some of our Playwrights stand so many living Monuments? Why, then truly I can think on no other way at present, but blending the two into one; and, from this Marriage of huffing & cringing, there will result a new kind of careless Medley, which, perhaps, will work upon both sorts of Readers, those who are to be hector'd, and those whom we must creep to. At least 'tis like to please by its Novelty, and 'twill not be the first Monster that has pleas'd you, when regular Nature could not do it.
If uncommon Mirth, lively Wit and deep Learning, wove into wholesom Satire, a bold, good and vast Design admirably pursu'd, Truth set out in its true Light, and a Method how to arrive to its Oracle, can recommend a Work, I am sure This has enough to please any reasonable Man. The three Books publish'd some time since, which are in a manner an intire Work, were kindly receiv'd▪ [Page iv] Yet, in the French they come far short of these two, which are also intire Pieces; for the Satire is all general here, much more obvious, and consequently more entertaining. Even my long explanatory Preface was not thought improper, though I was so far from being allow'd Time to make it methodical, that at first only a few Pages were intended; yet as fast as they were printed I wrote on, till it prov'd at last like one of those Towns built little at first, then inlarg'd, where you see promiscuously an odd variety of all sorts of irregular Buildings. I hope the Remarks I give now will not please less; for, as I have translated the Work which they explain, I had more Time to make them, though as little to write them. It would be needless to give here a large Account of my Performance; for, after all, you Readers care no more for this or that Apology, or Pretence of Mr. Translator, if the Version do's not please you, than we do for a blundering Cook's Excuse after he has spoilt a good Dish in the dressing. Nor can the First pretend to much Praise, besides that of giving his Author's [Page v] Sense in its full Extent, and copying his Stile, if 'tis to be copied; since he has no share in the Invention or Disposition of what he translates. Yet there was no small difficulty in doing Rabelais Justice in that double Respect; the obsolete Words and turns of Phrase, and dark Subjects, often as darkly treated, make the Sense hard to be understood even by a Frenchman, and it cannot be easy to give it the free easy Air of an Original; for even what seems most common Talk in one Language, is what's often the most difficult to be made so in another; and Horace's Thoughts of Comedy may well be appli'd to this:
Far be it from me for all this to value my self upon hitting the Words of Cant in which my drolling Author is so luxuriant; for tho such words have stood me in good stead, I scarce can forbear thinking my self unhappy in having insensibly hoarded up so much Gibberish and Billinsgate [Page vi] Trash in my Memory; nor could I forbear asking of my self, as an Italian Cardinal said on another account, D'onde hai tu pigliato tante Coglionerie? Where the Devil didst thou rake up all these Fripperies?
It was not less difficult to come up to the Author's sublime Expressions. Nor would I have attempted such a Task, but that I was ambitious of giving a view of the most valuable Work of the greatest Genius of his Age, to the Mecoenas and best Genius of This. For I'm not overfond of so ungrateful a Task as Translating, and would rejoice to see less Versons, and more Originals, so the latter were not as bad as many of the first are through want of Incouragement. Some indeed have deservedly gain'd esteem by Translating; yet not many condescend to translate, but such as cannot invent; though, to do the first well, requires often as much Genius as to do the latter.
I wish, Reader, thou mayst be as willing to do my Author Justice, as I have strove to do him Right. Yet if thou art a Brother of the Quill, 'tis ten to one thou [Page vii] art too much in love with thy own dear Productions to admire those of one of thy Trade: However, I know three or four who have not such a mighty opinion of themselves, but I'll not name them, lest I be oblig'd to place my self among them. If thou art one of those, who, tho they never write, criticise every one that does; avaunt — Thou'rt a profess'd Enemy of Mankind and of thy self, who wilt never be pleas'd nor let any body be so, and know'st no better way to Fame, than by striving to lessen that of others; tho, wouldst thou write, thou mightest be soon known, even by the Butter-women, and fly through the World in Band-boxes. If thou art of the Dissembling Tribe, 'tis thy Office to rail at those Books which thou hugg'st in a Corner. If thou art one of those Eves-droppers who would have their Moroseness be counted Gravity, thou'lt condemn a Mirth which thou'rt past relishing; and I know no other way to quit the Score, than by writing (as like enough I may) something as dull, or duller than thy self, if possible. If thou art one of those Critics in Dressing▪ those [Page viii] Extempore's of Fortune, who having lost a Relation, and got an Estate, in an instant set up for Wit and every Extravagance, thou'lt either praise or discommend this Book, according to the Dictates of Some less foolish than thy self, perhaps of one of those who, being lodg'd at the Sign of the Box and Dice, will know better things, than to recommend to thee a Work which bids thee beware of his Tricks. This Book might teach thee to leave thy Follies; but some will say, it do's signify much to some Fools whether they are so or not; for when was there ever a Fool that thought himself one? If thou art one of those who would put themselves upon us for Learned Men in Greek and Hebrew, yet are meer Blockh [...]ads in English, and patch together old pieces of the Ancients, to get themselves Cloaths out of them, thou art too severely maul [...]d in this Work to like it. Who then will, some will cry? Nay, besides these, many Societies that make a great Figure in the World are reflect [...]d on in this Book; which caus'd Rabelais to study to be dark, and even bedaub it with many [Page ix] loose Expressions, that he might not be thought to have any other Design than to droll; in a manner bewraying his Book, that his Enemies might not bite it. Truly, though now the Riddle is expounded, I would advise those who read it, not to reflect on the Author, lest he be thought to have been before-hand with them, and they be rank'd among those who have nothing to shew for their Honesty, but their Money; nothing for their Religion, but their Dissembling, or a fat Benefice; nothing for their Wit, but their Dressing; for their Nobility, but their Title; for their Gentility, but their Sword; for their Courage, but their Huffing; for their Preferment, but their Assurance; for their Learning, but their Degrees; or for their Gravity, but their Wrinkles or Dulness. They had better laugh at one another here, as 'tis the Custom of the World. Laughing is of all Professions; the Miser may hoard, the Sp [...]ndthrift squander, the Politician plot, the Lawyer wrangle, and the Gamester cheat; still their main Design is, to be able to laugh at one another; and here they may do it at a cheap and easy rate. After all, [Page x] should this Work fail to please the greater number of Readers, I am sure it cannot miss being lik'd by those who are for Witty Mirth, and a chirping Bottle; tho not by those solid Sots who seem to have drudg'd all their Youth long, only that they might enjoy the sweet blessing of getting Drunk every night in their old Age. But those men of Sense and Honour, who love Truth, and the good of Mankind in general above all other things, will undoubtedly countenance this Work. I'll not gravely insist upon its usefulness, having said enough of it in the Preface to the First Part. I'll only add, That as Homer in his Odysses makes his Hero wander ten years through most Parts of the then known World, so Rabelais in a Three-months-Voyage makes Pantagruel take a view of almost all sorts of People and Prof [...]ssions: With this difference however between the Ancient Mythologist and the Modern, That while the Odysses has been compar'd to a setting Sun, in respect to the Iliads, Rabelais's last Work, which is this Voyage to the Oracle of the Bottle, (by which he means [Page xi] Truth) is justly thought his Masterpiece; being writ with more Spirit, Salt and Flame, than the First Part of his Works. At near 70 Years of Age, his Genius, far from being drain d, seem'd to have acquir'd fresh Vigor, and new Graces; the more it exerted itself; like those Rivers which grow more deep, large, majestic and useful by their course. Those, who accuse the French of being as sparing of their Wit, as lavish of their Words, will find an Englishman in our Author. I must confess indeed that my Countrymen, and other Southern Nations, temper the one with the other, in a manner, as they do their Wine with Water, often just dashing the latter with a little of the first. Now here, Men love to drink their Wine pure; nay, sometimes it will not satisfy, unless in its very quintessence, as in Brandies; though an Excess of this betrays want of Sobriety, as much as an Excess of Wit betrays a want of Judgment. But I must conclude, lest I be justly tax'd with wanting both. I will only add, That as every Language has its peculiar Graces, seldom or never to be acquir'd by a [Page xii] Foreigner, I cannot think I have given my Author those of the English in every place: But as none compell'd me to write, I fear to ask a Pardon, which yet the generous Temper of this Nation makes me hope to obtain. Albinus, a Roman, who had written in Greek, desir'd in his Preface to be forgiven his Faults of Language; but Cato ask'd in derision, Whether any had forc'd him to write in a Tongue of which he was not an absolute Master? Lucullus wrote an History in the same Tongue, and said, He had scatter'd some false Greek in it, to let the World know it was the work of a Roman. I'll not say as much of my Writings, in which I study to be as little incorrect as the hurry of Business, and shortness of Time will permit; but I may better say, as Tully did of the History of his Consulship, which he also had written in Greek, That what Errors may be found in the Diction, are crept in against my Intent. Indeed Livius Andronicus, and Terence, the one a Greek, the other a Carthaginian, wrote successfully in Latin, and the latter is perhaps the [Page xiii] most perfect Model of the Purity and Urbanity of that Tongue: But I ought not to hope for the success of those great Men. Yet am I ambitious of being as subservient to the useful Diversion of the Ingenious of this Nation as I can, which I have endeavour'd in this Work, and still do in my Gentleman's Iournal, with Hopes to attempt some greater Tasks, if ever I am happy enough to have more Leisure. In the mean Time it will not displease me if 'tis known that this is given by one, who though born and educated in France, has the Love and Veneration of a Loyal Subject for this Nation; One who, by a Fatality, which with many more made him say, ‘Nos patriam fugimus & dulcia linquimus arva,’ Is oblig'd to make the Language of these happy Regions as natural to him as he can, and thankfully say with the rest, under this Protestant Government, ‘Deus nobis haec otia fecit.’
Explanatory Remarks ON THE Prologue to the Fourth Book of Rabelais, being the first of the Voyage to the Oracle of the Bottle.
THE main design of this Prologue is to teach us to be moderate in our Wishes. The Author brings several Examples to prove what Advantages arise from it; particularly he makes use of a Fable, in which (after some long but most diverting Excursions) the Moderation of a poor Country Fellow, who had lost his Hatchet, and wish'd only to have it again, was largely rewarded; and others, who lost theirs on purpose, to be thus made rich, were undone. This is thought by some, to mean a Gentleman of Poicto [...], who came to Paris with his Wife about some Business, where Francis the First fell in Love with her, and having bestow'd large Sums of Money on the Husband, who some time after return'd into the Country; some of [Page v] the Neighbouring Gentlemen, who had handsome Wives or Daughters, made their appearance with them at Court, in hopes of the like Fortune, but instead of it were forc'd to sneak into the Country, after they had spent their Estates, which was all they got for their pains.
Jupiter is brought in complaining of Ramus and Galland, who, surrounded with a swarm of their Scullions, Ragamuffins, Sizers, Vouchers, &c. set together by the Ears the whole University of Parts. Petrus Ramus, or de la Ramée, was Royal Philosophy and Oratory Professor at that time; and Petrus Gallandus, or Galland, Royal Greek Professor; both were Learned Men, and Ramus particularly famous for Rhetoric and Oratory; he also wrote three Books of Dialectic Institutions. But what divided the University, was his Elegant, but too Passionate Animadversions on Aristotle's Physics and Metaphysics; Carpentarius, Scheckius, and Riolanus, answer'd him, and particularly the first. I cannot find that Gallandus wrote against Ramus; yet, either he has done it, or oppos'd him vivá voce. Priapus is of Opinion, they ought to be turned into Stone, and associated to their Name-sake, Master Peter du Coignet, formerly petrified for such a Subject. This Du Coignet can be no other than Peter de Coigneres, the King's Advocate [Page vii] in his Parliament, mentioned by * Pasquier. In 1329 he caus'd all the Prelates of France to be summon'd before King Philip, who sat in his Court of Parli [...]ment attended by several Princes and Lords. There the Advocate represented many Abuses committed by the Ecclesiastical Court, which had encroach'd upon the Parliament's Rights, and us'd to take Cognizance of all Civil Matters, under divers pretences of Conscience, and unjustly favour'd those that appeal'd or remov'd their Causes to the Spiritual Court. The Archbishop of Sens ▪ and the Bishop of Autun, spoke in behalf of the Church's Right, grounded on Custome time out of mind, and of equal validity to the Law; then proffer'd to recti [...]y every thing; and in short, so cunningly work'd upon the King, that he told them he would make no Innovations, nor would shew his Successors a way to molest the Church. This made the Clergy triumph, as if they had gain'd their Point, and to be reveng'd on Pierre de Cogneres, they got a Monkey hew'd out of Stone, and had it set up in a Corner of Notredame at Paris, which Figure says Pasquier, by a kind of Pun, was call'd † Maitre Pierre du Coignet. So Priapus advises Jupiter to petrify Ramus and Galland, saying, That [Page ix] Peter du Coignet had been turn'd into Stone for the same Cause, that is, for setting the Learned at variance. Tho after all, France is much oblig'd to that Advocate, who seems to have laid the Foundation of the Liberties of the Gallican Church.
In the same Council of the Gods, Jupiter says, Here are the Gascons cursing and damning, demanding the Restitution of their Bells. I find in du Tillet, that they had been taken from them in 1548. This is the sence of his words, which I give at length, because they seem to give light into several Passages in the first three Books. There was a Tumult in Guienne, which began at Ang [...]ulesme by thirty men, but soon great Numbers joyn'd them; and as many at least rose towards Bourdeaux, in a Rebellious manner, upon account of the Tax on Salt, from which the said Country us'd to be exempted. To suppress this Rebellion, &c. — After the Ringleaders had been punish'd with Death, the Citizens of Bourdeaux, and other places of the same Faction, were depriv'd of their Rights and Priviledges, Bells, Arms, and Artillery; the Town-house was demolish'd, all the Bells, little or great, were thrown down from the Steeples, and laid by to be melted down and moulded into Canons. He says afterwards, In January 1550, the Rights and Priviledges of those of Bourdeaux were [Page xii] restor'd, and they had leave to hang their Bells up again, paying a certain Sum of Money.
It appears by this, that this Prologue was written in 1548 or 1549. and I am apt to believe that these are the Bells for whose Recovery Master Janotus de Bragmardo, made the Comical Speech in the 19th Chapter of the first Book; the rather, because Henry d' Albert, King of Navarre (Rabelais's Gargantua) was then Governor of Guienne, and acted against the Rebels.
The 21st of August, says Du Tillet, in Xaintonge and Angoumois, the People took Arms on account of the said Tax on Salt, and were so numerous, that they kill'd some Collectors, and other Officers, plunder'd Houses, Towns, and Castles, and routed the Forces that were sent against them by the King of Navarre, Governor of Guienne.
Explanatory Remarks ON THE First Chapter of the Fourth Book.
BY Pantagruel and his Attendants, who embark'd for the Oracle of the Holy Bottle, we may understand Anthony Duke of Vendosme, afterwards King of Navarre, setting out of the World of Error, to search after Truth; which Rabelais places in the Bottle; because, drinking its Wine, we are inspir'd with Spirit and Invention, and freely imparting our Sentiments, discover those others.
As much is imply'd by the Greek Proverb, [...], the Latins In Vino veritas, and as some have it among us, True Philosophy lies in the Bottle. Our Author, like skilful Dramatic Writers gives [Page xiv] us a hint of his Design in the first Chapter, when just before Pantagruel set Sail, he makes him and his men go to Prayers, and sing the 113th Psam, When Israel went out of Egypt; which Countrey all know is generally taken in a mystical Sense for Error, or being a Slave to it.
The Chief Pilot and Xenomanes, an Experienc'd Traveller, (by whom we may understand that 'tis necessary to have good Guides and Councellors to direct us in such a Search) steer a shorter Course than the Portuguese, by whom may be meant Superstitious Papists.
Bacbuc is a Bottle in Hebrew, and the ships have all Bottles, Cups, or Wine Vessels on their Stern, to show that the whole Fleet are for Wine; only one has a Lantern to confirm what is said, that the guidance of good Lights, i. e. Learned Men, is requisite in such an Attempt. If we had a mind to say that our Author had a double meaning all along, as he has in many places, we might suppose one easily: For this was written at the time of the Council of Trent, in which the restitution of the Cup to the Laity, and of Marriage to the Clergy, were debated. Panurge goes to the Oracle of the Bottle near Lanternland, where the Lanterns, which may be the Clergy, who think themselves the Lights of the World, held then their Provincial [Page xv] Chapter. His Business is with the Bottle, to know whether he should marry or no: All his Company there are made to drink Water, which had the taste of Wine; the word of the Bottle is Trinch, which is Drink in High-Dutch; and Panurge, having drunk, foretells that he shall be married, as indeed Montluc Bishop of Valence, whom I take to be Rabelais's Panurge, is own'd by all the Historians of his Age to have been; The application is easy.
On Chapter 2.
AS our Author Satirizes all Conditions of men in this Voyage, he thought he could not begin better than by reflecting on the Follies and Lies of Travellers; which he does in this Chapter. The first place at which our Travelling Pantagruelists touch, is the Island of Medamothy. All the Countries in this Voyage are Islands, and he stil'd himself Caloier des Isles hieres, in the Edition of 1553. Caloier from [...] and [...], probus Sacerdos, a Name given by those of the Greek Church to Ecclesia [...]tics; and des Isles hieres, of the sacred, or great Islands; for [...] stands often for [...]. These great Islands may be the Terraqueous part of the Globe which is wholly surrounded [Page xvi] with the Sea; thus every Island here means the whole World, or at least a considerable part of it; few places being wholly free from the Persons and Defects which are ridicul'd in this Work.
The Island Medamothi, [...], nusquam, nullo in loco, means an Island that is nowhere, and so cannot be found; and indeed most Travellers and Seafaring men are for going where no other went before, still bent on Discoveries; and accordingly our Pantagruelian Journalist tells us, That till they came to that Island they saw nothing new. Philophanes, who is King of the Countrey, signifies one who desires to be seen: He is made absent from home (as Travellers are) on account of his Brother Philotheam [...]n's marriage with the Infanta of Engys; that is, The Neighbourhood: Philotheam [...]n signifies One who d [...]s [...]res to see things: Thus many travel either to see, or be seen, or for both. Now as this Kingdom of Medamothi is no where, so those Exotic Rarities which our Travellers purchase there, are nothing but Fictions and Chimeras. As for Example; The Face of a man who brings in an Appeal; the Picture of a Servant who wants a Master; that of Eccho drawn to the life; that of the Ideas of Plato, and the Atoms of Epicurus; that copied from Philomela's Needle-work; Achilles's Deeds in Seventy eight Pieces of [Page xvii] Tapistry, all of Phrygian Silk imboss'd with Gold and Silver some 24 Foot long, and 20 broad: things which either are not, never were, or cannot be exprest with the Pencil; as for example, the Voice of the man who appeals, or who calls (for the French means both)
The Three Unicorns were thought a Fiction by the most of the Learned, as well as the Chamele [...]n-like Tarand (which put me in mind of some Courtiers) till the Great B [...]ch [...]rtus, of whom Roan my Native Town is so justly proud, had prov'd that the Unicorn is not a Fabulous Animal. Thus this Island, and what is done there, are nothing but Fictions and Whimsies, with which Travellers, often much guilty of them, and the Learned puzzle their Brains, and burthen their Memories; unsatisfied like some of the Fair with any thing that is not strange, far-fetch'd and dear-bought.
On Chapter 5.
FRom Panurge's Quarrel with Dindenaut the Drover, whom I have call'd Dingdong, and that Sheepmonger's Misfortune, we may raise this Moral; That the private Broils of Pastors prove often the ruin of their Flocks; foolish, headstrong, and ready, [Page xviii] right or wrong, one and all, to rise and fall with the Bell-weather. Dingdong's Quack-like Canting Stuff does not hinder him from selling the Sheep by which he lives.
After all, this may be the Relation of some of the Montluc's Adventures, burlesqu'd after our Author's way. For as we have observ'd in the Preface to the first Three Books, that Bishop of Valence was a Protestant, at least in his Opinions; every body knew it, and the Marechal de Montluc his Brother made no Mystery of it in his Memoirs; he was molested more than once about it, and particularly by the Dean of Valence, of whom we have spoke in the said Preface, and for whom the Bishop prov'd too hard, by his Subtilty and Credit, which inclin'd him to make use of all possible means to be reveng'd on one who had plagu'd him so long. Thus we find Panurge saying to Friar Ihon, after Dingdong and his Sheep were all drowned, ‘Harkee me, my Friend Ihon, never did Man do me a good turn, but I return'd, or at least acknowledg'd it; no, I scorn to be ungrateful, I never was, nor ever will be: Never did Man do me an ill one without ruing the day that he did it either in this World, or the next.’ I am not yet such an Ass as that comes to.
[Page xix]Our Author to ridicule a foolish Relique that was in great repute in Poictou in his time, makes Dingdong swear by it in the Seventh Chapter; 'twas call'd, The Worthy Vow of Charroux. The People gave that Name to a large wooden Statue, in the shape of a Man, cover'd with Plates of Silver, which the Monks kept in a Corner of their Monastery. They us'd to show it but every Seventh year, and then Shoals of People throng'd to see it; but none of the Female Sex were suffer'd to come near to kiss it; this mighty Blessing was wholly reserv'd for Men or Boys: But the Women us'd to watch to catch the Men who had kiss'd it at unawares, and clipt them about the Neck and kis [...] them; by which means they were perswaded they drew to themselves, and suck'd in, the virtuous Efficacy which they had got by touching the Shrine. A tall Lady was so very presumptuous as to dare kiss that blessed Worthy Vow, and, behold! the angry Wooden Saint in an instant grew five Foot taller than he was before; at least the People said so, and the Monks reported it for Gospel-truth. Yet all its Worth and Virtue could not protect it against the Sieur Bouganet, and other Protestant Gentlemen, who in the Year 1562. stripp'd it of its Silver Robes, and since that were call'd, [Page xx] The Valets de Chambre of the Worthy Vow of Charroux.
In the same Chapter we have another instance of the strange Superstition of the Popish Vulgar, when Dingdong says, That Corn grows where ever his Sheep piss, as if the Lord had piss'd there. That Expression is us'd throughout France by the Common People, who think all those places thus particularly blest where our Saviour dropt his Urin, &c. As for instance, his Spittle, it being said in the Ninth Chapter of St. John, that he spat on the ground, and made Clay of his Spittle.
I find that Matter crowds upon me, and I might be more Voluminous than a Dutch Commentator, should I undertake to explain every thing in this incomparable Work; but I have neither Room, Time, nor Inclination to enlarge much, and will leave the Reader to find out the meaning of many things that will easily be understood after the general Idea I have given of this Voyage, and the Sample in the foregoing Chapters. This made me say nothing of the Third and Fourth; nor will I speak of several others in the Two Books, which want little or no Comment.
On Chapter 9.
BY the Island of Enas [...], where such strange Alliances are made, Rabelais at once exposes unequal Matches, and the dull Jes [...]s and Stupidity of gross Clowns; which, as the Latin hath it, have no Nose, that is, no Wit. Thus he tells us, That all the Men. Women, and Children of the Enas'd or Noseless Island, are like your Carrot-pated Poit [...]vins, who are a borish sort of People. I must own that the Comments which Pantagruel's Companions make on their ridiculous manner of being akin, are little better than the Text. Yet those wretched Quibbles and Conundrums, are what your Country-Fellows admire mightily, and all this Chapter would be read (or to speak more properly) be heard read by such People, with as much Pleasure, as I Translated most of it with Pain. But in the main, the meaning is admirable; for what more deserves a reproof than the foolish unequal Marriages made every day, which are as odd Jests, and as improper as some of those in that Chapter? The Match struck up between the P [...]ar (which seem'd tight and firm, but was known by some to be flabby) and the soft Cheese is more natural, [Page xxii] and made very often in our World; and bating its Emblem, which is of the Nature of the Island, there is Salt and Nose in that Conjunction; nor is there less in that of the old greasy Boot, and the young pliable Buskin; and the Brogue and the Slipper, which are in a manner a Key to the rest.
On Chapter 10 and 11.
THe Island of Cheli, which comes after that of the Enas'd Alliancers, is as it were its Antipodes, and the one is as courtly, as the other is clownish. The word Cheli is Greek, and signifies the Lips, [...]; yet those who at the end of the last French Editions of Rabelais, have explain'd some of his hard Words, interpret it peaceful, deriving it from the Hebrew. The Etymological Dictionary indeed tells me that Shalom, is peace and peaceful in Hebrew, and the French pronounce ch as we do sh; yet, as the Greek hits better the word Cheli, and the Sense of the Chapter, I stick to it. Thus it may be call'd the Island of the Lips, or of Compliments: King St. Panigon, first of the Name, reign'd in that large well-peopled, fruitful Kingdom, and being attended by the Princes his Sons, and the Nobles of his Court, comes as far as the Port to [Page xxiii] receive Pantagruel, conducts him to his Palace; the Queen, the Princesses, the Court-Ladies receive him at the Gate; Panigon makes them all salute Pantagruel and his Men with a Kiss, according to the Civil Custom of the Country; all the Compliments and Entreaties imaginable are us'd to perswade Pantagruel to stay there a day or two; he excuses himself, but is not suffer'd to go till he and his Men have drank with the King, all this is Compliment. Friar Ihon alone inveighs against this formal Stuff, antick Postures and nonsensical Fiddle-faddle, Cringes, Grimaces, Scrapes, Embraces, Leers, &c. and flinks into the Kitchins, where there was something more substantial for a Monk, who does not use to feed on empty Talk. So, tho the Island was Populous, Fertile, and of large Extent, he admires nothing but the Culinary Laboratories, the turning of the Spits, the harmonious rattling of the Jacks and F [...]nders; and is for criticising on the Position of the Lard, the Temperature of the Potages, the Preparation for the Desert, and the Order of the Wine-Service. All the Eleventh Chapter illustrates that Monastical Inclination to frequent Kitchins.
On Chapter 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16.
ALL these Chapters are occasion'd by Pantagruel's passing by Pettifogging, and give us an Account of the way of Living of the Apparitors, Serjeants, and Bailiffs, and such inferior Ministers of the Law. Nothing can seem dark in what our Author has said of them, if we observe what he makes one of Pantagru [...]'s Interpreters, or Droggermen relate, ‘That at Rome a world of Folk get an honest Livelihood by Poysoning, Ribroasting, and Stabbing, but the Catchpol [...]s earn theirs by being drub'd; so that if they were long without a tight Lambasting, the poor Dogs with their Wives and Children would even be starv'd.’ Our Author says this, because in Francis the first's, and Henry the Second's Reigns, That rascally Tribe had no Income so beneficial, as that which came to them from a Beating, the Nobility thought it so great an Affront to be cited, or arrested by that Vermin, that they stood too much on their Punctilio, and for that reason they severely us'd those Bailiffs or Apparitors, who came to them to discharge their Office; and who sometimes were sent out of malice. So when the Man-catchers, who desir'd nothing more [Page xxv] than to be bang'd, had been misus'd, they had swindging Damages to make them amends. Rabelais exposes the Folly, Villany, and Abuse of this Practise on both sides; which has been since so will redrest, that if the Bailiffs had nothing to depend on but Bastonadoes; those necessary Evils would long since have all been starv'd.
Panurge relates a Story of the Lord of Baschè, who found out a way to have those Man-hounds beaten at small cost so furiously, that some of them dy'd of their Bruises; by which means he rid his House of their Visits; and that Lord is here said to have incourag'd his men with a Story of Francis Villon, who reveng'd himself securely on Friar Tappecoue or Tickl [...]toby, who would not lend a Cope to some of his Players, who were to Act the Passion, which is acted still every Year in some Parts of Italy.
As the Betrothing or Nuptials of Baschè, grew into a Proverb; so from that Vi [...]on, who was a Famous Poet in the Reign of [...]ewis the XIth, but more famous yet for his Cheats and Villanies; than for his Poetry, came the word Villoner, which has been long us'd to signify to Cheat or play some Rogues Trick. I shall have occasion to take notice of him in my Remarks on the last Chapter of the Fourth Book.
[Page xxvi] Pantagruel's Companions are told of two of the honestest Men in all Catchpole-Land, who were made to cut a Caper on nothing, for stealing the Tools of the Mass, and hiding them under the Handle of the Parish. This must be some Sacrilegious Theft of Church-Plate in those times; and by the by, we may see what esteem Rabelais had for the Catchpoles, since he makes those Rogues the honestest in all that Country. Friar Ihon says, That this was as mysterious a way of speaking as St. John's de la Palisse; de la Palisse is the Name of a Family in France; but he means, de l' Apocalypse. The Handle of the Parish, may mean the Steeple of the Church; to cut a Caper on nothing, is to be hang'd.
On Chapter 17.
FRom Catchpole-Land Pantagruel comes to two Islands, which the Author calls T [...]hu and B [...]hu, from two Hebrew words, which, I am told, are taken out of the first Chapter of Genesis, where 'tis said, The Earth was Tohu va Bohu, that is, void and in Confusion, without Form or Beauty, and in short, a Chaos. This may well be applied to a Country that's ruin'd by the War; the Fury of Soldiers on one side, and the [Page xxvii] Exactions of Chiefs many times leaving little or nothing behind them. This makes Rabela [...] say, That the Devil a bit they could find any thing there to fry [...]ith; which is an Expression often us'd by the French, when they would say, There is no subsisting in a place.
The Giant Bringu [...]aril [...]es or Wide-nostrils had taken away the means of frying there, by devouring every individual Pan, Skillet, Kettle, Frying-pan, Dripping-pan, and Brass and Iron Pot in the Land for want of Wind-mills, which us'd to be his daily Food: By this Giant we may understand those Gigantick Bodies of M [...]n, vast Armies, that bring Terror and Destruction with them where-ever they come; and in particular, those roaring Hectors, Free-booters, Desperadoes, and Bullying-huff-snuffs, for the most part like those whom Tacitus stiles H [...]spitibus tantum metuendi, who at the beginning of the War or Campaign, live profusely at the Husbandman's cost; but when the poor Boor has been ruin'd by those unwelcome Gu [...]sts, they even destroy, and in a manner devour the Straw of the Beds, and the Pans, Kettles; and in short, whatever comes in their way.
Rabelais tells us, That at last, Gaffer Wid [...]nostails was choak'd with eating a huge lump of fresh Butter at the Mouth [Page xxviii] of a hot Oven, by the Advice of Physitians, which very well represents the destiny of those swaggering Bravoes, who, when the War is over, too often either take to the Highway, and other bad Courses, for which they are choak'd, sometimes for as inconsiderable matters as a lump of Butter taken from a Higler, or else being reduc'd to live obscurely on a narrow Fortune, wast and pine away by the Chimny-corner, half-starv'd with their small Pittance, and lead a lingring sorrowful Life, worn out with their former Excesses, the Fatigues of Wars and Old Age; as little regarded as they were fear'd much, when by open Violence they liv'd in Riot and Luxury at the expence of the Unfortunate.
I am the more inclinable to believe this Chapter is design'd to reflect upon Warriors, by what our Author says, That the Pantagru [...]lists were told there, that the King of Cullen in B [...]hu had routed the Satrapes or Grandees of King Meeleth, and made sad work with the Fortresses of Belima.
Thence the Fleet sail'd by the Islands of Nargues and Zargues, which are words us'd by the Vulgar in France, when they would give one a fillip on the Nose; N [...]zarder, which signifies as much, means also to give one a publick Affront.
[Page xxix] Enig and Enig, of which our Satyrist makes two Islands, on whose account formerly the Landgrave of H [...]sse was swindg'd oft with a vengeance, in High-Dutch [...] with and with [...]ut. There is but little difference between those two words, some Germans forming their n like an u; so 'tis easy to mistake one for the other; and this happen'd at the Treaty about the La [...] grave of H [...]sse, and the Emperor Charles the 5th; for instead of Enig, without Detention of the Landgrave's Person as was expected; there was found Euig with Detention of his Person; as much is own'd by the Emperor's Agents in the Nineteenth Book of Sleidan's Commentaries; and, if you will believe them, for want of Understanding the Tongue rightly, those who mediated the Agreement were led into that mistake; however, that Landgrave was forc'd to b [...]g Charles the Fifth's pardon on his Knees, when, with the Duke of Saxony, he was routed by that Emperor's Forces; and the Germans were humbled and made contemptible; as our Author has hinted in the Prologue to this Book, when he makes Jupiter say, In yonder Corner are the Saxons, Easterlings, Ostrogoths, and Germans, Nations formerly invincible; but now Aber Keids, bridl'd, curb'd, and brought under by a paultry, diminutive, crippled Fellow. He calls him a Cripple, because he was [Page xxx] much troubled with the Gout, and had some Nodosities in the Joints of his Hands and Feet.
Geleniabin, in Arabic, is Honey of Roses, and Teleniabin, liquid manna, as the Author of the French Alphabet of Rabalais's hard Words tells us; both these Ingredients were us'd formerly in Clysters, which makes our Rabelais say, That the Fleet sail'd by two Islands of that Name, very fine and fruitful in such Pharmacopean Implements.
On Chapter 18. and the six following.
THESE Chapters contain a Description of a Dreadful Storm which Pantagruel's Fleet met with; it began immediately after they came up with Nine Sail laden with all sorts of Monks, who were going to the Council of Chesil to sift and garble some Articles of Faith against the new Hereticks.
This Council can be no other but that of Trent, then sitting, in which such sorts of Articles were framed; the word Ch [...]sil, by the transposition of a single Letter, makes the Hebrew word Chelis, Three; whence comes Ch [...]lisim, Thirty, which is Trente in French; and, if you will keep to the number Chelis or Three, the name of that Town [Page xxxi] which is Tridentum in Latin, is partly made up of it; so there is no doubt but in one of those Senses the Author had a mind to let us know his meaning.
Besides this way of explaining the word Chesil, which, with several other material Observations, I owe to a Learned and Ingenious Countryman of mine, who will not give me leave to name him, the Alphabet in the French Rabelais gives us another which keeps to the name Chesil, but seems to me somewhat far-fetch'd: That word, he says, is us'd by the Hebrews to denote the Star which the Greek and all our Astronomers call Orion. Chesil comes from Chasal, to be unconstant. Propert. lib. 2. Eleg. 13.
[...], commovere, concitare, to stir up and trouble; This the Ancient Poets, Astrologers and Historians, say is done by Orion; and Pliny, lib. 18. cap. 28. places it among the dreadful Stars, which stir up Hail, Storms, and excessive Rains; so, that Commentator on words thinks that Rabelais has call'd the Council of Trent the Council of Chesil, to denote that it was a [Page xxxii] stormy, unconstant, and troublesome Meeting. Perhaps so.
The Storm in these Chapters is undoubtedly the Cruel Persecution that was rais'd in France in the Reign of Henry the Second. It began in 1548. by a kind of an Inquisition to prosecute the Lutherans; These are Du Tillet's words about it; I [...] fu [...] ord [...]n [...] qu'unae seance extraordinaire se fer [...]it des Juges à Paris, p [...]ur connoi [...]tre particulierement du faict des H [...]retiqu [...]s: En icelle quelques miserables furent punis de cruels supplices à toute rigu [...]u [...]. * It was order'd that the Judges should meet in an extraordinary manner at Paris to take particular cognisance of the Case of Hereticks. Some Wretches suffer'd cruel Punishments inflicted by that Assembly with the utmost rigour.
During that Storm, Pantagruel shows an Heroic stedfastness and constancy of mind; Friar Ihon an undaunted Courage, and a great Activity; all Pantaguel's Houshold do their best to save the Ship, and help one another; Panurge alone sits on his Tail upon Deck, weeping and howling, and says a thousand ridiculous things suggested to him by his Fear; sometimes he wishes himself with the Blessed Fathers, whom they met stearing their Course for the [Page xxxiii] Council of Chesil, presently he proves as great a Milk sop as most of his Brother Deists do in such Occasions, and is most mightily godly; then he is for making his Will. In short, Nothing can be more unaccountable than the Vows, Wishes and Moans of that Maudling Coward, till the Storm abates, and the Fleet comes in sight of the Island of the Macreons. Then he plays the good Fellow, and is as busy as any six, seeming as resolute and active as he was fearful and unmanly before.
The Storm begins just as soon as they have been met by Monks; mention is made in it of the Thunder's falling on a part of the Ship, which may mean the Ecclesiastical Censures, and the Pope's Thunderbolts; then, when the Storm abates, Friar Ihon says, our Devils begin to scamper. I will show that by Devils Rabel [...]is has meant the Monks, and persecuting Tempters of the Church of Rome. As for Panurge's seeming a Papist in the midst of the Storm, its gives us exactly his Character, for he was doubtless ready enough to make all the grimaces of a rank Papist in the midst of the Persecution; though, as soon as was past, he laught at Saint Nicholas the Water Saint, to whom he had promis'd a Chappel, if he scap'd, between Cande and Monsoreau, where neither Cow nor Calf should feed; the word Chappel [Page xxxiv] is equivocal in French, signifying a Lymbeck; so he says he will throw one in the River, doubtless, that which drowns up all the Ground between those two Towns, and thus he means to fulfil his Vow. Perhaps this is also design'd to ridicule the Vows and behaviour of Seamen in a Storm.
Pantagruell's holding the Mast of the Ship tight with both his hands all the while by the Skipper's advice, implies, that as the Family of Navarre, and particularly Anthony of B [...]urbon, was best able to protect the Great Ones, who were imbark'd together for a Reformation, it was fit he should do it with all his Power; and accordingly Du Tillet tells us, that none but Miserables (poor Wretches) suffer'd. If any one will say, that perhaps Rabelais did not in this Voyage mean any particular Persons, I hope at least they'll grant he has admirably describ'd the different Behaviour of most men in danger, and chiefly in persecuting Times.
On Chapter 25, 26, 27 and 28.
THE Island of the Macreons, where the Fleet went into Harbour after the Storm, signifies the Island where men are [Page xxxv] long-liv'd. Its Eldest Elderman is nam'd Ma [...]rob [...]us, or long-liv'd. We are told in the 26th Chapter that it was in the Dominions of the Ruler of Britain; consequently it was a safe Port against the Tempest of Persecution, the Reformation being openly profess'd at that time in England under King Edward the Sixth. This causes Rabelais to make his persecuted Fleet take shelter there, and to say that men liv'd long in that Island; because none were put to death on account of their Religion.
The Ruins of Temples, Obelisks, Pyramids, Ancient Tombs and Monuments which they see there, denote the Decay, Downfal and Ruin of Popery, unfrequented, and left in a dismal solitude. The Souls of the Heroes who are lodg'd in those Ruin'd Mansions, are the true Christians who had cast off the Yoke of Popery, and of the blind Worship of Saints, many of them Fabulous, to which the Superstition of the Papists had made them raise Temples, Obelisks and Monuments as formerly the Heathens did to their false gods.
The Old Macrobius says, That the Death of one of those Heroes had occasion'd the Storm; by which our Author gives us to understand, that Troubles and Commotions are often rais'd in Kingdoms at the death of those Eminent Persons who have [Page xxxvi] govern'd them under their Kings; and probably, he may have had a mind to mark the death of Margaret de Valois Queen of Navarre, Sister to King Francis the first▪ which happen'd towards the latter end of the Year 1549. about a year after the Lady Jane d' Albret, Princess of Navarre, had been married to Anthony de Bourbon, Duke of Vendosme, Rabelais's Pantagruel. That Princess, who had always protected the Reformers and the Reform'd, as has been observ'd in the Preface to the first Three Books, was not less eminent by her Piety, Wit, Learning, and Virtue, than by her Royal Extraction; Valentine d' Alsmois, a French Lady, made the following Epitath for her.
On Chapter 29, 30, 31 and 32.
THE Sneaking Island which Pantagruel sail'd by, when he left that of the Macreons, is the Dwelling of Shrovetide; by which we must understand Lent: For the Ecclesiastics of the Church of Rome begin their Lent before the Layity; Shrovetuesday is to them a Day of Humiliation; [Page xxxvii] and is properly the time when men are shriven Our Author calls it Quaresmeprenant, that is, the Beginning of Quadragesima; in opposition to Mardigras, Shrovetuesday. The Cardinal de Lorraine, says a Book call'd l' Heraclite Francois, made three Clergymen in a manner Titular Bishops of Metz, Toul and Verdun, reserving the whole Income of those Bishopricks to himself, and leaving them little of them besides the Title of Bishops: For this reason they were call'd les Evesques de Caresmeprenant; because they look'd as meager and starv'd as if it had been Lent with them all the year: But I cannot think that our Author reflects here on that Cardinal. His Design seems rather to expose the Superstition of the Papists about Lent, and how much the practise of it, their way, shock'd good Sense: This made him run on for two or three Chapters with an odd description of that Ridiculous Monster; and probably also to secure himself from the Informations of his Prying Enemies by that mixture of Comical seeming Nonsense. For, as in the time of Lent the Superstition, Grimaces and Hypocrisy of the Papists are most observable, and they look on it in a manner as the Basis of the Christian Religion, 'twould have been dangerous to have attack'd them openly in Point.
[Page xxxviii]We find that the wise Xenomanes, one of Pantagruel's most experienced Companions, advises him not to go where Shrovetide reign'd, and says it would be much out of their way [to the Oracle of Truth] that there is very lean Cheer at his Court, that he is a double Shaveling, Banner-bearer to the Fish-eating Tribe, a Flogger of little Children, because Papists do pennance, and whip themselves then; a Calciner of Ashes, because of Ash-wednesday; that he swarms with Pardons, Indulgences and Stations; which makes the Author say in the 31st Chapter, that Shrovetide being married to Mid-lent, only begot a good number of Local Adverbs; that is, the Stations, the Churches and Chappels, whither the gull'd Mob must go, whence they come, and through which they must pass to gain the Indulgences. We are told besides, that he never assists at Weddings, but, give the Devil his d [...]e, the most industrious Larding-stick and Scure-maker in forty Kingdoms; because the Butchers have then little else to do but to make some. Lent is an Enemy to Sawsidges and Chitterlings, because as well as all other Flesh (I mean dead Flesh) the People are forbid to taste of any then.
Friar Ihon always daring and hasty, is for destroying Lent; but Panurge still fearful and wary, is not of his mind, Rabelais calls that Island Tapinois; that word in French [Page xxxix] is generally us'd adverbially with the Preposition en to signify an underhand way of acting. Some derive it from the Greek Verb [...], humilem reddo, and so it suits with the true design of Lent, to humble man, and make him look sneakingly. Besides, Lent, sneaking in some years sooner and others later, may also for that reason well be said to dwell in Tapinois. The Ingenious Fable of Nature and her Counterpart is brought i [...] to shew that those who enjoin things that shock Nature, as is the Church of Rome [...]s way of keeping Lent, have the confidence [...] make Laws contrary to those of God, and the Impudence to pretend to justify them by Reason: So Rabelais tells us, That Antiphysts [the Mother of L [...]nt] begot also th [...] Evesdropping Dissen [...]rs, Superstitious Pop [...]mongers and Priest-ridden Bigots, Scrapers of Benefices, mad Herb-stinking Hermits, Gulligutted Dunces of the Coul, Church-vermin, Devourers of the Substance of men, and other deform'd and ill-favour'd Monsters made in spight of Nature.
On Chapter 33 and 34.
THE Monstrous Physeter or Whirlpool, a huge Fish which dies of the Wounds given him by Pantagruel near the Wild [Page xl] Island, where liv'd the Chitterlings, Shrovetide's mortal Foes, seems to have a relation to the Expiration of Lent, about which time in France they have conquer'd all their Stores of salt Fish, and after which Flesh rules on the Tables; and many are so wild for Chitterlings, and other Meat, that they get Flesh drest on Easter-Eve late at night, and fall too like mad as soon as the Clock strikes Twelve: For that reason he makes the Fish die near a Flesh Country.
On Chapter 35, and the six following.
PAntagruel lands in the Wild Island to refresh his men whom the Fish had disorder'd; he would not come where Shrovetive liv'd, but goes ashore at the Dwelling of the Chitterlings, because he did not love Lent. There they pitch their Tents, fix their Kitchin-Batteries, the Cloth is immediately laid, Supper brought in, and all eat chearfully, as is usual after Lent. What happens in that Island, and the Fight in which the Chitterlings, Sawcidges and Pasty-pans are mawl'd by Pantagruel and his men, and particularly by the Friar at the head of the Cooks, partly seems a Comical Allegory, which denotes the Good Cheer at Easter, after [Page xli] the Lent-keepers have master'd that time of Mortification. Sawcidges, Chitterlings, &c. which are preserv'd with Salt, help then to appease hunger at the same time that they create and heighten thirst.
'Tis obvious that the 37th Chapter ridicul [...]s the method us'd by some of the Ancients, and to this day, of foretelling things by the name of Persons. We find that the Chitterlingonians, knowing at last that Pantagru [...]l is Shrovetide's Foe, and a Friend to Carnaval their old Confederate, pay him their homage, and send under the Conduct of Young Niphleseth Seventy eight Thousand Royal Chitterlings to Gargantua, who made a Present of them to the Great King of Paris; but most of them died, and were buried in heaps in a part of Paris, call'd to this day the Street pav'd with Chitterlings; yet at the Request of the Court-Ladies Young Niphleseth was preserv'd, honourably us'd, and since that married to Heart's Content. We need not understand H [...]brew to find out what our Joking Author means by that young Chitterling [Mentula] Niphleseth, of whom the Charitable, or rather Selfish, Ladies took such mighty care.
After all, the description of a misunderstanding between the French, and the Switzers and Germans that had reform'd, may be couch'd under those notions of Chitterlings. In the 35th Chapter we find a [Page xlii] Treaty on foot to reconcile them to Shrovetide; and as the Council was then sitting, some Concessions were made by the Pope's P [...]y in case of a likelihood of an Accommodation. Besides, Rabelais mentions, that Shrovetide (by which may be mean there the Switzers, or Germans of the Roman Communion) was threatned with being declar'd bewray'd (i. e. Excommunicated) in case he made any League or Agreement with the Chitterlings: Since which they were grown wonderfully inveterate and obstinate against one another. He also tells us, that they desir'd the expulsion of I don't know what stinking Villains. Murtherers and Robbers, that held the Castle of Salloir (which means a Powdering Tub). These might be Monks and Friars. What's more, in the 37th Chapter Rabelais enumerating the Power and Antiquity of Chitterling-like People, says, Who can t [...]ll but that the Switzers, now so bold and resolute, were formerly Chitterlings? For my part I would not take my Oath to the contrary. Some of the Switzers are now, and were then a wild sort of People, as our Author calls his Chitterlings, whom he brings in marching up boldly in Battalia. By the Queen may be meant their Republic, which word is Feminine in Latin, and in French. The Chitterlings sent by the Queen, are the Soldiers which Switzerland sent then, as it does still, to the [Page xliii] French, many of which dy'd by change of Air, for want of Mustard (i. e. Pay) and other Accidents. And what Xenomanes said, that Chitterlings were double-hearted and treacherous, suits also very well with their taking side now with the Emperor, then with the French, and vice versa, in that Age. In the 41st Chapter Gymnast having lugg'd out his Sword with both his Fists, cut a huge wild Squob Sawcidge in two. Bless me, says our Historian, how [...]at the foul Thief was! it puts me in mind of the large Bull of Berne that was slain at Marignan, when the drunken Switzers were so maw'd there: Believe me, it had little less than four inches Lard on its Pawnch! By this great Bull of Berne is meant Pontiner, a famous Gigantic fat Captain of the Switzers, who being kill'd at the Battle of Marignan, some of the Germans who sided with the French, to shew they were fully reveng'd on the Switzers, who had been too hard for them in several other Engagements, run the Points of their Pikes and Lances in that monstrous Officer's fat Paunch, as Paulus J [...]vius observes in the Account he gives of that Battel. I have not leisure to get and peruse some Books which probably wou'd enable me to give here the Particulars to which this Allegory relates; but I believe that any one that will examin this narrowly, [Page xliv] may find it much as I have said; and perhaps something more than the expiration of Lent may also be meant by the killing of the great Fish by Pantagruel.
On Chapter 43, and 44.
THE Island of Ruach, where People live on nothing but Wind, according to the sense of the Hebrew word, is the Island of Wind, or the vain Island.
'Tis an Emblem of the Court, where men feed themselves and are fed by others with Wind, Compliments, Flattery, Promises, and vain empty Hopes, more than any where else. The Weathercocks, which are the only Houses in that Island, imply the uncertain and variable state of Courtiers; First, because the Court is still where the Prince is, and as the Weathercock is always in motion, now to the East, and then presently to the West, yet is still fix'd in one place, and only moves round its Centre; so the Courtier is still at home when at Court, yet the Court is sometimes in one place, and sometimes in another. Besides, as the warm South sometimes gently blows on a Weathercock, and soon the cold North rudely whirls it about; so the Courtier's House is either cherish'd, or roughly blown upon, according to the Prince's Breath.
[Page xlv]The Wind-flowers, Rhue, and such Carminative Herbs, which are the only things sow'd there, which scowr them off in that Island, denote the Attendance, Craft and Pains, which are the Seeds by which we hope to rise and reap Favor at Court; but when the time of Harvest comes, we find our selves only rid (by a thorough knowledge of the place, and chiefly by Baulks and Disappointments) of a great deal of Wind, vain, empty Hopes, that swell'd and puff'd us up.
The common sort of People who, to feed themselves, make use of Feather, Paper, or Linen Fans, according to their Abilities, put me in mind of a poor Fellow, who fed himself a long time with hopes of obtaining a Place worth at least 50 l. a year, only because he knew Sir J. F —'s Coachman, with whom he spent some 20 or 30 l. that were his All, in hopes of a Recommendation to his Master, which his Patron even wanted for himself while he fool [...]d him out of his money. Thus the Poor as well as the Rich aim at something generally above their reach. The Windmills, by the means of which the Rich live, may be design'd to denote the Kings and Princes of those days: Mills with mighty Sails which gave that nourishing, Wind plentifully, according to the dispositions in which they were with respect to the Courtiers [Page xlvi] that continually surrounded them: It also signifies that the latter sometimes get nothing but Words or Favours, meerly honorary, and void of substance and solidity. Some of those Royal Windmils have been us'd to wheel round, with every wind, as readily as Weathercocks, turning their Backs in an unaccountable manner to those on whom they look'd most favourably but a moment before.
The Age during which our Doctor flourish'd has given many Instances of this sad Truth; as Jacques de Baune, Lord of Semblancay, Admiral Chabot, and the Conestable de Bourbon, who, having all three possess'd King Francis the First's Favour, became the Objects and the Victims of his hatred▪ The first hang'd at Montfaucon, (the Tyburn of Paris) for a Crime of which Louise de Savoye, the King's Mother alone was guilty. The second, condemn'd without Reason to lose his Head on a Scaffold, and then declar'd Not Guilty; the sense of which usage work'd so strongly on his mind, that it effected what the Executioner was to have done. And the third, a Prince of the Blood, and by his great Merit High Conestable o [...] France, (a Trust thought too great there now adays) first depriv'd of his Government of the Milanese, his Master being grown jealous of his Glory, then of the Profits and Exercise of [Page xlvii] his great Office; and finally of the vast Estate of the House of Bourbon, which was his Right of Inheritance, as eldest of that Branch of the Royal Family.
I need not explain what our Author means by the rousing Fart, which the King of the Island of Ruash pretended had been stolen from him, with which, as with another Sangreal, he us'd to perform a world of wonderful Cures in many dangerous Diseases, distributing to the Patient only as much of it as would frame a Virgin's Fart: A less Application than that of those who cure a certain Evil with a wet Finger, as many People in France, and a Kingdom near it fancy. Our Author did not forget to place these among the Courtiers, and in a manner tells them, That the pretended Cure do's not signify the Thousandth part of a F — t. What he says of the Sangreal, is to blame the Credulity of some superstitious Bigots, who have a groundless Notion of a Relique thus nam'd, which they say is part of our Saviour's Blood wand'ring about the world invisible, to all but chaste eyes, and working many miraculous Cures. The best Authority for such a Belief, says Cotgrave, is the foolish fabulous History of King Arthur.
On Chapter 45.
BY the Island of the Pope figs, is meant those who follow'd Luther or Calvin's Reformation, and chiefly th [...] Germans and the French; they were call'd the Gaillard [...]es at first; principally the first, because they were at first brisk and m [...]rry, or gail lard, as when the Lanskenets, generally Protestants, plunder'd Rome in 1527; they led several Bishops and Cardinals in their proper Accoutrements through the Streets on Mules and Asses, with their Faces turn'd towards the Tail; throw'd the Host, Reliques and Images of Saints about the Streets, and forc'd the Pope to buy a Peace with 400000 Ducats, and remain a Prisoner till it was paid, after he had been almost starv'd in Castel St Angelo; where he invited the Cardinals to a Treat of Asse's Flesh, as if it had been the greatest Dainties imaginable. This our Author calls faire la Figue, to revile and feague, or say, A Fig for the Pope; and he has [...]ngeniously brought in the Story of the Citizens of Milan, who us'd an Empress just as the Landsknechts serv'd the Cardinals, which also is somewhat like the Practice of the Inquisition, who serve Protestants [Page xlix] so. Now when the Emperor Charles V. had been too hard for the Protestants in Germany, and the Kings Francis I. and Henry II. had persecuted them in France, they were in a dismal condition, and under the yoke of the Papimanes, and got the name of Pope-figs; not only because they had revil'd the Pope, but because they were forc'd to creep to him, and lay under his lash. The Hail, Storms and Famine that plague them continually, mean the Persecution; the Hobgoblins and Devils that haunt them, are the Monks, as the Author insinuates it at the latter end of Chap. 46.
By the Country Fellow who runs into the Holy Water-Stock, and is immers'd in that blessed Pickle all but the tip of the Snout, for fear of being claw'd off by the Devil, we must understand the Constraint in which the Protestants liv'd, while, to deliver themselves from the Persecutions of the Popish Hobgoblins, they were forc'd to be plung'd over head and ears in the superstitious Worship of the Church of Rome; took Holy-water by handfuls, and hid themselves under Stoles, which are the Badge of Priesthood: That is to say, they profess'd Popery, as they are now forc'd to do in France; and some ev'n enter'd into Orders, and were Priests, Monks, Bishops, [Page l] and even Cardinals, tho they were far from being Papists in their hearts.
Brisonnet, Bishop of Meaux, was one of these; for, having silenc'd the preaching Franciscans throughout his Diocess, and appointed James Faber, alias le Fevre of Estaple, Girard Ruffi, Michael Arande, and Martial, to preach against the Errors of the Church of Rome, he recanted, thro fear, as soon as he was call'd to an account about it. Ruffi himself did the same, and from a Lutheran Preacher, became a Roman Bishop; and so did Martial, who being at first Brisonnet's Disciple, was afterwards Penitentiary, or Head-Confessor at Paris. The Bishop of Valence, our Panurge, was one of those Dissemblers, and ev'n the great Admiral Chatillon's Brother, Odet, the Cardinal to whom this Book is dedicated by Rabelais, who himself did like the rest.
On Chapter 46.
THe Stubble and the Leaves of the Radishes, which are all that falls to the young Devil's share, while the Countryman reaps the profit of the Corn and Fruit he had sow'd in his Field, shew that the pretended Papists only gave the outside [Page li] and insignificant Forms to the Church of Rome, and that their hearts and minds were not inclinable to follow its Doctrine. Our Author's honest boldness is very remarkable, both in this Chapter, and many of the next; he makes the young Devil say, That at Lucifers first Course, Hobgoblins (alias Imps in Cowls) are a standing Dish. He willingly, says the Imp, us'd to Breakfast on Students; but alas, I don't know by what ill luck they have of late joyn'd the Holy Bible to their Studies; so the Devil a one we can get down among us: And I verily believe, that unless the Ca [...]ars (i. e. the Hypocrites of the Tribe of Levi) help us in it, taking from the enlightned Bookmongers, their St. Paul, either by Threats, Revilings, Force, Violence, or Fire and Faggot, we shall not be able to hook in any more of them to nibble at below.
The Fosterers, Suttlers, Charcoalmen, and Boiling-cooks of Hell that were mawl'd and pepper'd off in the Northern Countries, are the Monks and Priests, who were routed there, particularly in England.
By the Students of Tre [...]isonde, he means those of the Popish Universities, where, as he says, they are tempted by the Devils (by which he means Monks and Priests, Professors, and their Tutors) to leave Father and Mother, forgo for ever the establish'd [Page lii] and common Rule of Living, free themselves from obeying their Lawful Sovereign's Edicts, live in Absolute Liberty, and taking the fine jovial little Cap of Poetic License, become so many pretty Hobgoblins. The Cap of License, means their Degrees or the Cowl; and Poetic, is only added to blind the thing: So the Monks leave Father and Mother, and disclaim all Authority but the Pope's.
On Chapter 47.
BY the old Woman of Pope-figland, who frights the Devil, and puts him to flight▪ the Author means that the Monks and Priests of the Church of Rome were so ignor [...]nt, and their Tenents so groundless, that the very Women could make fools of them even at demonstrative Arguments.
On Chapter 48. and five following.
THe Island of Papimany, is those whose Love and Zeal for the Pope is so excessive, that it may be counted Madness: The word is made of Papa Pope, and Mania, Madness, from [...], insanio. Thus [Page liii] in Plutarch, the Andromanes were Women, whose Love for Men was most blind and furious; that Name being given to those Lacedaemonian Women, who us'd to fight before the People with bare Thighs, whence they were call'd Phenomerides. This blind Z [...]al for Popery is drawn in most lively Colours by our Satyrical Painter in all those Chapters; and particularly appears by the Discourse of the Four Estates of the Country, the Gentleman, the Lawyer, the Monk, and the Clown, who all give the Pope those Epithetes which only belong to God, calling that Bishop of Rome, He that is, and God on Earth. All know that the Pope's Flatterers have been very prodigal of such Epithetes; principally in Rabelais's time; as to Paul the Third, who, as Alstedius and others write, was stil'd, Optimus maximus in terris Deus; and the following Distich was also made to compliment a Pope, and prove that he was justly call'd, God on Earth.
The Four Estates are brought in to show that the Pope's Missionaries are of all sorts of Conditions. Their frantic Zeal does not only make them adore the Pope, but prostrate themselves at the Feet of those [Page liv] who have seen him. Says Panurge to them, When they ask'd him whether he had been blest with the sight of that God on Earth; yea, verily, Gentlemen, I have seen three of them, whose sight has not mu [...]h better'd me. O thrice and four times happy People, cry'd the Papimanes, you are welcome, and more than double welcome, and they would have kiss'd Panurge's Feet; saying, they would even the kiss Pope's A— if ever he came among them. A [...] soon as our Travellers are landed, the People [...]ng to see those blessed Men, who had seen his Holiness's Face. Homenas, Bishop of the Place [...] hastens to them in P [...]ti [...]alibus, with his Train of Church Players, bearing Crosses, Banners, Standards, Holy Water-pots, and Canopies, such as the Pope, and the Host use to be under, when they are carried in Procession. The Mob conducts and attends the Strangers to the Church, where there is not one word mention'd of God▪ nor Jesus Christ▪ or the Gospel; but much of the most Holy Decretales or Popes Decrees written with the hand of an Angel. Our Author admirably ridicules the Credulity of those bigotted Papists; then Homenas mumbles over a Mass, after which, from the Church he leads them to the Tavern, where he feasts the Strangers with the Money that was gather'd during the Mass, [Page lv] yet not till he had shew'd them the Pope's Picture, which Epistemon said was not like the late Popes; for, saith he, I have seen them, not thus with their Pallium, Aumusse and Rochet on, but with Helmets on their Heads, more like the Top of a Persian Turbant; and while the Christian Commonwealth was in Peace, they alone were furiously and cruelly making War. H [...]menas zealously takes their pa [...] [...] [...] plies, that then it was against those who trangress'd against their Decretals, and that whether they were Emperors, Kings, or Commonwealths, he was immediately to pursue them with Fire and Sword, strip them of their Kingdoms, anathematize them, and not only destroy their Bodies, those of their Children and Adherents, but also damn their Souls to the Pit of Hell. Nothing can be finer than the Feast, and the Discourse of Homenas and his Guests. Young buxom Lasses wait on them, principally Homenas's Favourite, whom our Author calls Clerica. Friar Ihon, who leer'd on them side-ways like a Cur that steals a Capon, lik'd them better than some of the Bon Christian Pears; so does Homenas, who is very lavish of that Fruit, like Horace's Calaber, ‘—Haec porcis hodiè comedenda relinques.’ [Page lvi] But he will by no means be perswaded to part with one of the Doxies. The most Holy and Heavenly Decretales are celebrated with swindging Bumpers of good Wine, just as Belshazzar extoll'd his gods of Gold and Silver. In short, this Feast is a Triumph in which our Author has describ'd the voluptuous Life of those esseminate [...] their Superstitions which are [...]ation of their Idleness and Luxury, and then Impious Doctrine, that encourages Subjects to kill their Lawful Sovereign, and Massacre all those who will not blindly submit to the Pope, and the blind Idolatrous Worship which he has invented; by whose means, saith our Author, Gold is subtilly drawn out of France to Rome, above Four hundred thousand Ducates every Year. England was much more fleec'd, till it had shaken off the Papal Yoke; and we must own, that as Doctor Rabelais was very well inform'd of all these Abuses, no Man ever describ'd them more to the Life; and the best Protestant Writers have not equall'd him in this, tho they did it out of Interest, and made it their particular Business. Neither can I tell, whether Rabelais's Boldness be more to be wonder'd at in publishing such a Work, while Fires were kindled in every part of France to burn the Lutherans, than his good Fortune in having scap'd those [Page lvii] Flames, to which many were condemn'd for less every day where he wrote.
On Chap. 55, and 56.
BY the unfrozen or thaw'd words which Pantagruel and his Company heard at Sea in open Air, just after they had left the Papimanes, our Author ingeni [...]usly describes the freedom which our Navigators took to speak their true sentiments of the gross Ignorance, blind Zeal, loose Lives, and worse Principles of those superstitious Papists, as soon as they were out of their reach. For among them the Pantagruelists did not dare discover their minds, so that their words were in a manner frozen within their mouths, which Fear and Interest kept shut. But when they were out of danger, they could no longer thus contain their words, and then every one distinctly heard them, murmuring words against those Bigots, very sharp words, bloody words, terrible words, angry words, occasion'd by Reflections made on those Idolatrous Persecutors; and to those words our jolly Company add some words of Gu [...]ules, that is, merry words, Jests, pleasant Talk, probably about the young Wenches so ready to wait on the strangers at Table, and on the good Bishop a bed.
[Page lviii]Those frozen words that thaw'd, and then were heard, may also mean the Books publish'd at that time at Geneva and elsewhere against Popery and the Persecution. Those who fled from it to Places of Safety, with a great deal of freedom, fill'd their Writings with such Truths as were not to be spoken among the bigotted Romanists; and many of those unfortunate men having been us'd very cruelly in their Slavery, and having nothing to defend their Cause but their Pens, while their Adversaries were arm'd with Fire and Sword, their words could not but be very sharp. The words which Rabelais says were mere g [...]erish, which they could not understand, may be the Books that were dark, ill written, and without judgment, and the words of gu [...]es, or Jests, may be pleasant Books such as were some of Marot's Epigrams and other Pieces of that nature.
On Chap. 57. and the five following.
THE dwelling of Master Gaster, whose entrance is rugged, craggy, barren, and unpleasant to the eye, is found at last to be [...]ery fertile, healthful, and delightful, when with much toyl the difficult ways on its Borders have been pass'd. This Gaster, [Page lix] the first Master of Arts in the world, is the Belly in Greek.
Yet our Author tells us that the Muses are the Offspring of Penia, that is to say, Poverty; I will not pretend to contradict him; neither will any contradict me, if I say, that at least Poverty is the most common Reward which their unhappy Favourites reap for all their toilsome Study. The Description of the Empire of Gaster is very curious; and the Author displays there at once much Learning, Fancy and Wit. The Gastrolat [...]rs are those whose God is their Belly; the Engastrimythes are Parasites, and all those whom their hungry Bellies cause to say many things against their Consciences; so that they may be said to speak from the Belly: The word Engastrymithe also means one who by use and practice can speak as it were out of his Belly, not moving his Lips; and finally one who has an Evil Spirit speaking out of his Belly.
Rabelais tells us a very remarkable Story of an Italian Woman called Jacoba Rodogyna, one of those Engastrimy [...] whom he had seen at Ferrara in 1513. She was said to be possess'd by an Evil Spirit who lov'd to be call'd Cincinnatulo, and reveal'd [Page lx] things past to the amazement of those who ask'd her questions, but us'd to lye like a Devil when she pretended to foretell any thing; yet the People of Quality of the Cisalpine Gaul us'd to consult her very much.
Father Mabillon in his Musaeum Italicum, speaks of a Magician Woman who had been thus famous at Milan, where he saw her Tomb: He calls her Guillelmimina; saying that after her death three Holidays were instituted to her Memory; and that those of her Sect had declar'd she was the Holy Ghost that had appear'd to the world in the shape of a Woman; but that at last it was known she was a Witch, and she was unsainted. Many Saints would have the same Fate, if their Titles were canonically examin'd.
The Idol Manduce is the figure of Gluttony, whose Eyes are bigger than its Belly, and its wide Jaws arm'd with dreadful Teeth: 'Tis an Imitation of the Manducus of the Ancients.
The great number of Dishes of all sorts that are sacrificed to Gaster, show that Gluttony reigns among all sorts of people, the poor offering their gross Food, as well as the rich their Dainties; and that course Fare will go down with Belly-gods, and with all men in general, for want of better. What is offer'd him on interlarded [Page lxi] Fish days, shows that this Noble Messer Gaster, as he is call'd in the French, is a true Papimane, and agrees pretty well with the Mass, Messe in French, which wants but an r of the word Messer, us'd in those times for Monsieur.
On Chap. 63, and 64.
CHaneph is Hypocrisy in Hebrew; so the Island of Chaneph is the Island of the Hypocrites; accordingly our Author says it was wholly inhabited by Sham-saints, Spiritual Comedians, Forms of Holiness, Tumblers of Beads, dissembling Mumblers of Avemaries, and so forth; poor sorry Rogues, who wholly liv'd on the Alms that were given them by Passengers, like the Hermit of Lormont, between Blaye and Bourdeaux: Thus he chiefly places the Orders of Mendicant Friars among the Hypocrites, because their Convents have no Revenue but Mumping, and so they are oblig'd to affect a greater Devotion than those Religious Orders who do not make a Vow of Poverty as these do.
Our Author tells us that the Pantagruelian Fleet was becalm'd when it came in sight of that Island, and was forc'd to tack from Larboard to Starboard, and from Starboard [Page lvii] to Larboard, yet could not get ahead, tho they had added Drablers to their Sails. By this he insinuates that this inferior Crew of Hypocrites did put a stop to the progress of the Reformation, and the discovery of Truth in general; as when he himself was misus'd by some of them in the Convent of Cordeliers at Fontenay le Comte, merely because he studied Greek. These Beggarly Tribes had not the power to raise a Storm, like the nine Sail of Fathers who were going to the Council of Chesil; they could do little more than hinder the advancement of those who search'd after Truth. Thus we find, not only that the Fleet could not proceed, but that every Ship's Company in a manner fell asleep, doz'd, and were out of sorts, and off the Hinges. At last this is remedied by sending to those poor Hypocrites Seventy eight thousand little Half-Crowns, and by eating and drinking; which perhaps may mean, That provided those poor hungry Curs have Meat and Drink, or Money to get Food, which is all they beg, they cease to bark, and will suffer you to go on without any further Impediment. This has been and is still observable in France and other parts, among some of those begging Friars; whereas your Jesuits, Dominicans, Austins, Bernardins, Celestins, Theatins, and others, such as were in the Nine Sail, are not to [Page lxiii] be brib'd or pacified so easily. One of These whose Poetry and Criticisms are deservedly esteemed among us, has reflected on our Author's admirable Satire too severely for a man of his Sense, tho not for one of his Order; I mean Father Rapin; but who could expect less from a Jesuit, and a Jesuit too whose Sodality is satiriz'd in this Work? Yet after all, that able Critic durst not but own that * it is a most Ingenious Satire.
Panurge asks whether there be not something of the Feminine Gender among them, and whether they would not take a small Hypocritical Touch by the by? To which answer is made by Xenomanes, That were there not some pretty, kind-hearted Hypocritesses, Hermitesses, and Spiritual Actresses, who beget a race of young Hypocritillons and Sham-sanctitoes, the Island of Chaneph had long since been without Inhabitants.
This is true in more than one sense; for did not Hypocrites beget others, some parts of the world would be very thin of people; then those Sham-sanctitoes and Hermitillons whom our Author means, are chiefly the young bastardly Monastic Fry, the only Fruit many Nuns bear, by [Page lxiv] the means of the Father Confessor's kind applications; for such of those By-blows as escape Abortion, or an untimely Death, are rear'd up for a while as the pious Father's or Sister's poor Relations, and then cag'd with Father or Mother to sing Mattins and Vespers, and increase the larger Tribe of Hypocrites world without end.
On Chapter 66.
THE Island of Ganabin is the Island of Thieves, from Gannab a Thief in Hebrew▪ Xenomanes says, that the people of that Island are all such, and commends Pantagruel for not going ashore there. Friar John advises Pantagruel to cause a Gun to be fir'd, as it were, to salute the Muses of that Antiparnassus. By this perhaps our Author may have a mind to reflect on most of the Authors of that Age, who as well as some of this, were very great Plagiaries. The fai [...] Fountain on that Hill may mean the great number of Subjects which might employ their Pens more to the purpose than in Translating many foolish Romances, as the best hands of France did at that time. That Spring may also signify the French Tongue which our Author commends so much in the Prologue to the Fifth Book, and inveighs against such sorts of Plagiaries, [Page lxv] whom he calls Brokers and Retailers of Ancient Rhapsodies and such mouldy Trash, Botchers of old Thredbare stust, a hundred and a hundred times clouted up and piec'd together: wretched Bunglers, that can do nothing but new vamp old rusty Saws; beggarly Scavengers, that rake the muddiest Canals of Antiquity, &c. By which he would encourage his Countreymen to follow his Example, study it and write something that might chiefly spring from their Fancies, without being wholly indebted to Foreign Nations for what they publish'd; yet not disdaining to make improvements from the Thoughts of the Greek and the Latin Authors, as he himself has done, and enrich the Moderns with Translations of the best Works of the Ancients.
The large Forest that is round the Fountain, may mean the wild, dark, intangled voluminous Writings of some of that Age: The Mountain is called Antiparnassus, in opposition to that where the true Muses were said to dwell; and is plac'd in the Island of Thieves properly enough, because Poets, as well as they, are the Children of Penia or Poverty, according to our Author.
Panurge, who was afraid Pantagruel would land in the Island of Ganabin, uses all the Arguments which Fear could suggest [Page lxvi] to a Coward, to persuade him not to do it, and among other things says. Do not go among'em, I beseech you, 'twere safer to take a Journey to Hell. Hark! by Cob's Body, I hear 'em ringing the Alarum Bell most dreadfully, as the Gascons about Bourdeaux us'd formerly to do against the Commissaries and Officers for the Tax on Salt, or my Ears tingle. This refers to what has been said in the Remarks on the Prologue, concerning the Rebellion at Angoulesme and Bourdeaux.
Rabelais seems to have describ'd part of this War in his second Book, when he makes Pantagruel leave Paris, to repulse the Dipsodes, who had besieg'd the great City of the Amaurotes. For, tho I have prov'd out of History that what is said of the Dipsodes, may reasonably be adapted to the War of Picardy; yet I hope I have shew'd that our Ingenious Author sometimes describes two things by one, and so this may relate to two different Actions of the same person.
This Rebellion of Augoumois and B [...]rdeaux happen'd about the Time when Anthony of Bourbon (our Pantagruel) was married to the Queen of Navarre's Daughter. Now Francis I. that Queen's Brother, and their Father, had been Earls of Angoulesme, which makes our Author say, in his second Book, that Gargantua's Queen was the [Page lxvii] Daughter of the King of the Amaurots. And indeed, as there were no more Earls of Angoulesme, that Name which signifies being vanish'd, was not altogether improper then. Thus Pantagruel comes from Paris to relieve that Country, and has a Bark full of Salt tied to his Girdle, with which he fills the mouths of the Dipsodes; which may imply the heat and combustion in which the People were there about the Tax on Salt; and, because several of those Mutineers were hang'd at Bourdeoux, where they were most outragious and stubborn, Rabelais makes Pantagruel the Inventer of the use of Pantagruelion, which is Hemp, probably because he advis'd to have many of them put to death. Indeed I have not yet found that Anthony de Bourbon came thither to assist the King of Navarre his Father-in-law, Governor of that Country for Henry the Second of France; but, as the Conestable of Montmorency, who, with that Duke of Vendosme, had commanded in Picardy that year, came into Xaintonge to punish the Rebels, 'tis very likely the Duke came thither also; and perhaps Historians are silent in the matter, because he only came as a Volunteer, and the Case did not seem worth employing at once a King of Navarre, a High Conestable of France, and a Prince of the Royal Family. And this may be the Reason why our Satirical [Page lxviii] Historian has chus'd to burlesque that Expedition, for doubtless there could be no honour to the Duke in being concern'd in it, principally under others; though it were but in complaisance to the Princess of Navarre his new Wife, and her Royal Parents, the Honey-Moon being then hardly past.
On Chapter 67.
PAnurge's Fear, encreas'd by the noise of the Guns, makes him run mad for a while, and lay hold on the huge Cat Rodilardus, by which he was scratch'd. He saith, he took it to be a young soft-chin'd Devil, and thought he had snatch'd it up in the great Hutch of Hell, as thievishly as any Sizar of Mountague Colledge cou'd have done. Rodilardus stands for Croquelardon, Lick-sawce, a Parasitical Smell-feast. This Passage, doubtless, refers to some of Montluc's Adventures, hardly to be discover'd in our Age; yet known in that during which he liv'd. Panurge's Cowardice and Impudence suits pretty well with that Bishop of Valence's Character; as appears by what I said of his daring to preach before Queen Catherine of Medicis, with a Hat and Cloak on, like a Geneva Divine, and [Page lxix] then not having the courage to go on, but leaving off in the midst of his Sermon, (though the Queen abetted him, and her presence secur'd him) as soon as the Conestable of Moutmorency spoke two words against his way of preaching.
Here Rabelais takes an opportunity to bring in a Story, which, as well as some other things of as odious a nature, I would have omitted, did not many Learned Men despise a maim'd or imperfect Book, as much as some Selfish Women hate a Male in those Circumstances. That Story is what is said of Edward V. King of England, and Francis Villon the witty Rogue, of whom I have already spoken. But, with our Author's good leave, this Story is as false as 'tis filthy, and improbable, though we should suppose there is a mistake in the Printing (as there are thousands even in the best Editions of this Work I have seen yet.) For none can imagin that Rabelais was so little vers'd in History, as not to know that Edward V. died a Child, and can neither have been costive in his Old Age, nor familiar with Villon: who, according to Pasquier, must have been hang'd before the Reign of that unfortunate Prince, and perhaps before his Birth. And should any say that Rabelais means Edward the Fourth; I answer, That he neither died Old, nor could be Droll'd [Page lxx] upon at that Rate, by a Bussooning Inmate; since, though he was not one of the wisest Heads, yet he was one of the bravest Warriors of his Time, having fought Nine pitch'd Battels, generally on Foot, and at last gloriously overcome all his Enemies: So that the Witty Jester would hardly have offer'd to have told him, that the sight of Lewis the Eleventh's Oriflamb, or Royal Standard, would have scar'd him into a Looseness. The Verses which Rabelais makes Villon speak, are mention'd as his by Pasquier, somewhat otherwise than in this Chapter:
Explanatory Remarks ON THE Prologue to the Fifth Book.
THE Author begins this Prologue with a Question, Why People say, that Men are not such Fools now adays, as they were in the days of yore? He answers it himself, by a Prophecy out of an imaginary Book, which he calls, The Prelatical Bagpipe. I give it in French and in English; lest, as 'tis very dark, I shou'd be suspected of having mistaken my Author's meanings; for he seems to have had more than one, and to have banter'd the Reader with a Sham Explanation. Let us see if we can unriddle it.
The Year of Jubilee was in 1525, under Pope Clement VII. then all Europe suffer'd themselves to be shorn or fleec'd by the Pardon-Pedlars, the Sellers of the Court of Rome's Indulgences, and other Trumpery Ware. Is Supernumerary about [or above] Thirty [or Trente] this means, that Time is past, and such Years of Jubilee are needless, out of fashion, and cry'd down after the Year 1530. (or, perhaps, after the Council of Trent [...];) by reason of the Change made by the Restoration of Learning, and the Reformers: So that People were no longer to be fleec'd by the Sellers of Pardons. And indeed, about the Year 1530. King Francis I. invited the Learned to come to Paris, and having procur'd [Page lxxiii] several Men well vers'd in various Studies, fix'd them in the University of Paris. Belleforest and Lambinus say, that in 1531, he establish'd Twelve Professors for Latin, Greek, Hebrew, Mathematics, Philosophy, Divinity, Oratory, Physick, &c. But du Tillet, who at large relates what that Prince did and design'd for the Advancement of Learning, says this was in 1530. Besides, we find in Rat. Tem. Part. I. lib. 6. Multum huic Principi debent Gallicanae litterae: nam illius liberalitate accitis undique viris emni artium genere excultis, publicae Scholae honestis stipendiis Lutetiae constitutae sunt Anno 1530. quam in rem hortatoribus usus est Joanne Bella [...]o. &c. And Genebrard, who was afterwards one of those Professors writes, Anno 1530. Guillelmo Budaeo & Joanne Bell [...]o hertantibus Regios linguarum Professores instituit. In Clemente VIII. Now, those Learned Men, to whom Petavius gives the Epithetes of Litterati & Pii, purg'd the Age of its Foolishness, and very much forwarded the Affairs of the Reformation: So that in 1530, or at least at the time of the sitting of the Council of Trent, the Reign of Ignorance may be said to have come to an end.
O want of Veneration! fools they seem'd. That is, those who had been foolish enough to suffer themselves to be sheer'd and fleec'd thus, appear'd such as they were, when [Page lxxiv] Ignorance had been expell'd, I mean, bigotted Fools; neither did the Veneration which uses to be paid to the Church, hinder the wiser sort from laughing at them, or at least from pitying their Silliness.
But, persevering, with long Breves, at last no more they shall be empty greedy fools. Those long Breves should be the Sacred Books, which may be call'd so in opposition to the Roman Breviary, in which their Contents are as maim'd, imperfect and abbreviated, as the vain Imaginations of Superstition are spun out there to a tedious length; at least they mean the Books written by the Learned, many of which are long. So the People who appear'd foolish, being no more blinded by a Ridiculous Superstition, will no more gape after it, nor be greedy of it; being fill'd with sound Knowledge.
For they shall shell the Shrub's delicious Fruit, whose Flow'r they in the Spring so much had fear'd. That is, They will shell the Beans in Cod; which is as if he had said, Truth that lay long conceal'd, and before was known but by a few, will be reveal'd to the World; and as much as at first it was hated, despis'd and fear'd, at its first appearance, so much the sweeter and more delicious will its Fruit prove, when the World shall have had a taste of it.
By these Beans in Cod we may also partly understand our Author's Work. The [Page lxxv] Beans are the Mystery, the Cod is the Emblem and outward Dress; which is good for nothing but to wrap up what is within it; neither ought we to feed upon it, but solely on what it contains. So we might fix the period of Ignorance, and the beginning of the New Aera, or Restoration of Learning, at the Year 1550. at which time it began to bear good Fruit, and this Fifth Book was written, though it was not publish'd till after our Author's death, perhaps because it spoke too plain. This makes him foretell the speedy oblivion of whole Cartloads of Books that were dull, dark and mischievous, though they seem'd florid, florishing and flowry, gay and gawdy as so many Papillons [Butterflies] by which he seems to play upon the Word Papa, as in Papimany, and in the Sixth Chapter of the Pantagruelian Prognostication, where the King of the Papil'ons or Butterflies, undoubtedly means the Pope.
After all, as that pretended Prophesy is written in the stile of those of Nostradamus, it appears at first as dark and unintelligible as that Astrologer's Rhim'd Whimsies; and though there is a meaning in our Author's, and none in the dreaming Stargazer's, I would as little have troubled my self to find out things past in the first, as I would look for things to come in the latter, were not this needful to confirm what I have said of [Page lxxvi] our Author's Design, and to shew the uniformity of this Mystical Work; which tho much admir'd, had doubtless been much more beneficial, if most of it had been explain'd soon after it was written. I mean after the Author's death; for, as to have done that before, would undoubtedly have hasten'd it, and have expos'd him and his Writings to the Flames; he did not desire to be understood by every one, and only wrote for the Learned, as the Cardinals Du Bellay, and de Chastillon, the Bishop of Maillezais, Andrew Tiraquel, his Patrons, and such men as hated Ignorance, that they might effectually, though underhand, forward the downfal of Superstition, its Offspring. Therefore, to blind the Vulgar, he turns off the sense of the Prophesy, and falls a praising Colinet, Marot, Saingelais, &c. the greatness of whose Wit, and the Elegancy of whose Stile, he extolls to the Skies, not without some little touch of Panegyrical Satire all the while, as appears by what he says of their Crimsin Alamode Rhetorical Stile. This he chiefly runs upon to insinuate to those whom he fear'd, that what he said of the Jubile's Year is only meant of the Improvements made in Learning, and more particularly in the French Tongue. So we find him begging of the French Writers, his Contemporaries, that they would be pleas'd to admit him as Puny [Page lxxvii] Rhyparographer, or Riffraffscribler of the Sect of Pyrrichus; that Painter having that Epithete bestow'd on him from [...], sordidus, because, like some of our Modern Boor-Painters, he only drew mean Figures, as Coblers-stalls, Barbers-shops, and Asses; yet he hints as if he understood by it the Office of Apologuemonger in France, which Aesop had obtain'd among the best Orators and Philosophers in Greece; and at the same time he invites his Reader to shell this Basketful of Beans in Cod, gather'd in the very individual Garden whence the former came; and says, That observing the great Mysteries, of which these Books treat, they shall gain a singular Profit and Fame, as in the like Case was done by Alexander, with the Books of prime Philosophy, compos'd by Aristotle; doubtless he means those Acroamatic Books which that Philosopher made publick in such a stile as was hardly to be understood; saying, that he had done it on purpose. Our Author might have said as much, as will appear by the Remarks on this his last and finest Book.
Explanatory Remarks ON THE First Chapter of the Fifth Book·
THE Ringing Island can mean nothing but the Clergy of the Church of Rome, whose Mysteries are all perform'd at the sound of large, middlesiz'd, little, and very little Bells. They are rung at Matins, Mass, Noon, Vespers, Sermons, and the Salutation to the Virgin every day, on the Eves or Vigiles of Holy-days, at Processions and at Stations; and, whenever the Priest lifts up the Wafer-god, a little Bell is rung, that the People may fall down and adore that piece of Dough, which, they must believe, made Heaven and Earth, though 'twere made that very morning by the Baker, and some of the same stamp be shown in every Parish. Besides, when the Priest carries the Viaticum, a diminutive Bell always tingles before him. Thus Bells are often rung where-ever there is a Monastery, Church, Chappel or Hermitage, to awaken [Page lxxix] the People's Devotion, summon them together, dismiss them, and make them come again. Add to this, That whatever is said of the Ringing Island in the following Chapters, cannot well be adapted to any thing but the Popish Ecclesiastics; so those who pretended to explain these Books only by printing at the end of some French Editions twenty or thirty Names, which (without the least reason) they call a Key, either never read them, or had a design to impose on the Reader more than our Author; else they would never have said, that the Ringing Island is England. I own there is much Ringing there, and the English are famous for making that a Recreation; but this Book was writ during King Edward the Sixth's Reign, at which time the Reformation had prevail'd here; and though our Author mentions the Knights of the Garter in the Fifth Chapter, while he speaks of the Knight-hawks of the Ringing Island, it does not follow that he meant England, since he only places the Knights of Malta among the Roman Ecclesiastics, which was judiciously done, because they make a vow never to marry; read the Breviary, and have Livings like Abbots. Even that Passage proves that the Ringing Island is not England; since Aedituus makes one of his Island's Knight-hawks look wistfully on [Page lxxx] the Pantagru [...]lian Strangers, to see whether he might not find among their Company a stately gawdy kind of huge dreadful Birds of Prey, so untoward, that they could never be brought to the lure, nor to perch on the Glove, (which may mean, that other Knights claim'd a preheminence over those of Malta.) Aedituus adds, He is told there are such in your World who wear goodly Garters below the Knee, with an Inscription about them which condemns him who shall think ill of it, (qui mal y pense) to be bewtay'd and conskited. So 'tis plain there were none such in the Ringing Island. Then in the Sixth Chapter Aedituus says, that all the good things which they have in his Island come from every part of the other World, except some of the Northern Regions, particularly from Touraine, our Author's Native Country; and that the Income of the Duke of that Country could not afford him to eat his Belly full of Beans and Beacon, because his Predecessors had been more than liberal to the Birds of the Ringing Island, that they might there munch it, twist it, cram it, gorge it, craw it, riot it, junket it, and tickle it off; stuffing their Puddings with dainty Food, &c.
The Hermit, whom the Pantagruelists met, assur'd them they should not be admitted into the Ringing Island, unless they fasted four days, because it was then one of [Page lxxxi] the four Fasting, or Emberweeks. As that Island is the Popish Clergy, none enter into it, that is, into Orders, without fasting, and a great deal of formality; and 'twas judiciously that Rabelais made his Travellers be admitted there at one of the times prescrib'd for the admittance of Lai [...]s into the Body of the Clergy. Yet he shews, that those Fasts (though commendable in their Institution) were much abus'd; and many, like Panurge, are pretty apt to say, Since you are so sted fast, and have us fast, let's fast, as fast as we can, and then break fast. Thus only putting a constraint on themselves awhile (or seeming to put it) to indulge themselves in Gluttony after it.
On Chapter 2.
WHEN Pantagruel and his Attendants have fasted after a strange sort of a fashion they are kindly receiv'd by Albiam Camar, Master Aedituus, or Sacristan, of the Ringing Island. Camar in Hebrew signifies an Idolatrous Priest; and St Jerome has made it Aruspex and Aedituus in Latin. We may observe, by that beginning, what esteem our Author had for the Ringing Island, with its Sacrifices and Mysteries.
[Page lxxxii] Aedituus acquaints our Stangers with the Metamorphosis of the Siticines and Sicinnists into Birds. The Siticines and Sicinnists were those that us'd to sing mournfully on the Dead, and at Funerals, among the Ancients. Siticines appellantur qui apud sitos canere soliti essent, hoc est, vita functos & sepultos. A. Gellius, lib. 2. cap. 20. Consequently, the Clergy of the Church of Rome, who chiefly subsist by Obits, Trentals and Masses for the rest of the Souls of the Dead, may well be call'd by those Names.
We are told that the Siticines were become Birds; those Birds are those Ecclesiasticks, who raise themselves by Contemplation and holiness of Life (if you will believe them) soaring above the things of this Earth, on which we poor groveling Layles crawl. Aedituus would make Pantagruel sensible of this, when he tells him that those Birds, which look'd like men, eat and drank, slept and bill'd like men, were nothing less than men, being neither Secular nor Layies.
Their spacious, costly, magnificent Cages, admirable in their Architecture, are their Churches; which appears the plainer by reason of the Bells, which our Author says were above them.
The variety of the Feathers and Plumes of those Birds, denotes the different Orders [Page lxxxiii] and Cloathings of the Popish Clergy, which distinguish them from each other: The Benedictins are white the Austins black, the Franciscans grey, the Bernardins black and white, the Bishops purple, the Cardinals red; some Knights and Commandeurs are white and blue; and there are Nuns drest like most of those, professing the same Orders.
'Tis observable that they are all made Birds of Prey, Clerghawks▪ Monkhawks, Priesthawks, Abbothawks, Bishhawks, Cardinhawks, and Popehawks; and Clergkites, Nunkites, Abbeskites, &c.
The wry-neck'd Bigottellos, who had flock'd thither during the last three hundred years, are the Orders of Franciscan and Dominican Fryars. Our Author, who had been a Cordelier, i. e. a Franciscan, and misus'd by the Fraternity in the Convent, was well acquainted with their Merit, and speaks experimentally, which makes him wish for another Hercules to root them out.
On Chapter 3.
THE Popehawk, who, like the Phoenix, is a Species alone, is undoubtedly the Pope. We have there a true Account of [Page lxxxiv] what happen'd some 1760 Moons, that is about 140 years before our Author wrote; only to blind this, or perhaps by some mistake in the Printing, 'tis made 2760 Moons. I mean the Schism of Avignon, which lasted Forty years. Three Popes were seen then at the same time, Bennet the Ninth, Gregory the Twelfth, and Alexander the Fifth. This Schism ended at the Council of Constance, which began in 1414, and ended in 1419.
On Chapter 4.
AeDituus owns that all the Birds of the Ringing Island are Passengers; there is a sort of Hawks distinguish'd by that Name. He adds, that none of them were bred in that place, but all came from the other world; that is, out of the Laity, who are stil'd Worldly Men with respect to the Clergy, who assume that of Divine. One of the Countries out of which they come, is call'd Want-o-bread, and the other, Too-many-of 'em. The first shews, that many will take to any thing rather than starve; the other, that the Avarice of Unnatural Parents makes them compel their Children, often the most defective in Body or Mind, to be Monks, Friars, Priests, &c.
[Page lxxxv]Those Birds who return'd to the World are the Monks and Clergymen, who, like Luther, Calvin, and others, left their Monastical or Ecclesiastical Habits; or like Rabelais, left their Monasteries. The Feathers found among the Nettles, mean his Frock and Cowle, which he cast off, and in general those of other Monks who apostatize (so their Desertion is call'd by the Church of Rome). What the Company chanc'd to light upon there as they look'd up and down, for the discovery of which some People will hardly thank them▪ may imply this Work, which exposes all the Mysteries of Monachism.
On Chapter 5.
THE Dumb Knighthawks of the Ringing Island are the Knights of Malta; the mark which they bear under their Left Wing, is the Cross of their Order, which these Knights wear on the He [...]rt, of different Colours▪ according to the Provinces to which they belong. They are said to be Dumb, because they do not say Mass, nor officiate as Priests and Monks; and are only oblig'd to read every day, or repeat so [...] parts of their Brevi [...]y. They have no Females, says Aedituus; because [Page lxxxvi] there are none of their Order, yet they make themselves amends with others out of every Order: so what is said of the Pock-royals that embroider their Heads, and undermine the handle of their Faces, is true of many of them who are not always concern'd in Holy Wars. They are all Gentlemen, not shut up within Monasteries; and, though they sing not, feed, that is, spend and devour as much as the best two that do; some of their Livings or Commanderies bringing them in great Sums yearly; and as they make a Vow never to marry, 'tis not strange they should meet with such Wounds, when they engage some other Infidels than the Turks.
I have already spoken en Passant of the Knights of the Garter, of whom our Author made mention in the same manner. The Knights who wear before their Plumes le Trophée d' un Calomniateur, that is, the Devil in a String before their Paunches, are the Knights of the Order of St. Michael, pictur'd with the Devil at his Feet. 'Twas the most honourable Order in France in our Author's time; for that of the Holy Ghost was instituted since, by Henry III. Those who wear a Ram's Skin, are the Knights of the Order of the Golden Fleece.
On Chapter 6.
THE Author describes how the Birds of the Ringing Island are cram'd, and how, though not one of 'em sets his hand to the Plow, or Tills the Land, whose Fat he devours▪ they wallow in plenty, and do nothing but chirp it, whistle it, and warble it merrily night and day. All this Chapter is a cutting Satire, in which Rabelais ingeniously exposes the foolish Bigotry of the great Vulgar and the small, who have undone, and still ruin themselves daily, to maintain those lazy hypocritical Birds of Prey, in idle Ease, and luxurious Pleasure, though the ravenous Tribe have nothing to give in return, but insignificant Siti [...]in Prayers, and a doubtful Hereafter for a certain Now.
On Chapter 7.
THIS Chapter is not in its due place, neither can I find any in the whole Book where it could be well brought in; this makes me believe that either it was design'd for some of those which probably [Page lxxxviii] Rabelais intended to publish after this; wherein, as he tells us in the Third Book we were to have an Account of Panurge's Marriage, and of his being made a Cuckold on his Wedding Night, after his coming from the Oracle of the Bottle. I can perceive some difference in the style, and the Sense is lame in some places; so that as this Book was not printed till after our Author's death, (nor would it have been safe for him to have publish'd it) I am of Opinion it was found among his Papers, and, imperfect as it was, [...]oisted in any how.
However, the Island of the Apedesers is a Satire on some Courts of Judicature, whose Members squeeze out the Blood and Substance not only of the wrangling part of the World, but of those peaceable pers [...] whom some litigious Adversaries compel to fall into their Clutches. The little Wire-press, call'd Pithies in the Language of the Country, that lay Backwards in a blind Corner, signifies the B [...]v [...]es, Drinking places, which are generally in the very Buildings where are the Courts of Judicature in France, whither the Lawyers [...]o to refresh themselves at the Expence of the Clients. That Word comes from the Greek [...], Drink. The Ancients had also a Festival Sacred to Bacchus, which was call'd [...] [Page lxxxix] Hogshead. It us'd to be celebrated at the time of the year when Tuns and Hogsheads us'd to be new hoop'd and fitted up, and, while it lasted, all Comers and Goers drunk Wine gratis, just as they do in France on St. Martin's Eve. The Athenians kept that Festival in the month which they call Anthesteron, which is our month of November, as G [...]za proves it, Lib. de mensibus Atheniensium. By which it appears, that the Custom us'd on [...]t. Martin's day in France, on which the Parliaments as well as others make merry, succeeded to the Pithaegia of the Ancients. All this Chapter may be easily understood by those who are acquainted with the Customs of France; and, as it may be applicable also to other Countries, it cannot seem very dark to others.
On Chapter 8.
THIS Chapter ought immediately to follow the Sixth; and is also easily to be construed. 'Tis observable, that about midnight, which is the time that many Monks are to rise to go to Prayers, Aedituus wakes his Guests, that they might drink; telling them, they should have eaten 3 Breakfasts already, and that if they would consume the Mouth-Ammunition [Page xc] of that Countrey, they must rise betimes; Eat them, says he, they multiply; spare them, they diminish. The lean Birds, who are singing to them while they are to drink, are the Novices and sorry Monk-links, who chant at Church Matins or Vespers, while the Great ones snore or tope.
Panurge, who likes all this well enough, is yet for someting else, and would mix the Sports of Love with those of Bacchus; and considering, that though those Ecclesiastics enjoy the latter at their ease, yet they dare not taste of the first without danger, he brings in the Fable of the Ass, who slighted the delicious Food of the High-m [...]tall'd Prancers, because they were not allow'd to be familiar with the Mares. Our Author ingeniously makes Panurge, who was for copulating in a lawful way, relate this to the Priest, by which he would insinuate, that 'twere much better for them to have a liberty to marry.
On Chapter 9.
WITH much ado our Travellers get a sight of the Popehawk ('tis Pope Julius the Third) who sate drooping with his Feathers staring about him, attended by a Brace of little Cardinhawks [Page xci] and six lusty fusty Bishhawks. Panurge seeing him, crys, A Curse light on the Hatcher of the Ill Bird, o' my word this is a filthy Whoophooper. A Whoop, or a Hooper, upupa, [...], is a Bird whose Cop or Tufft of Feathers on its Head is not altogether unlike the Papal Tiara, adorn'd with a Triple Crown; the whole delight of that filthy Fowl is to nestle in man's Ordure; which admirably denotes the Inclinations of many of the Holy Fathers, and particularly of Julius III. as I will immediately shew it.
The Madgehowlet, which was perceiv'd under the Popehawk's Cage, implies either a Pope of the Female Kind, as Pope Joan (if there ever was any such) or rather a Donzella, or Concubine; unless some Critic will offer to say, that this Madgehowlet, which Aedituus swears is no She-thing, but a Male and a noble Bird, certainly was the Cardinal Innocent, with whom his Holiness Pope Julius the Third had been passionately in love while he was Legate at Bolonia, and to whom, as a Reward for his kind Services, he had bestowed a Cardinal's Cap, when he was advanc'd to the Papal Chair. Since that, this Noble Cardinal was so very intimate with that Pope, that Pasquil could not forbear to say, he believ'd nothing of all this, and, That Innocent was not handsome enough to be Jupiter's Ganymede.
[Page xcii]The Brace of little Cardinhawks seem to mean either some such young Sparks, or rather some of that Pope's Bastards, or at least his Predecessor's. Paul the III. made two of his Bastard Daughter's Sons Cardinals; and Rabelais in his 15th Letter to the Bishop of Ma [...]zais, calls them the little Cardinals de santa F [...]ore. That Pope himself, who had kept a Roman Lady della Casa Rufina, and had a Bastard Son by another, had a Sister once kept by Pope Alexander VI. who had her drawn like the Virgin Mary. She was married afterwards to a Gentleman, who having notice that the Pope lay with her in his Absence, afterwards stabb'd her; so to make her Brother amends, Alexander made him a Cardinal while he was yet ver [...] young, and afterwards he was chosen Pope. Rabelais seems maliciously to pun upon one of those diminutive Cardinals in his Letters, calling him a Cadinali [...]ule.
The old Greenheaded Bish hawk snoring with his Mate and three Jolly Bitter Attendants under an Arbour, so that he could not be wak'd by the Baxome Abbel-kite that sung by them like any Linnet, is J [...]hn de la Casa, Archbishop of Benevente, and Legate of the Holy See at Venice. He was famous for Poetry, and wrote a Poem in praise of Sodomy, which he call'd Opera D [...]vina; and said in it that he knew no [Page xciii] other Love. His indifference for the Fair is happily express'd by his snoring near the pretty Abbesskite, that so kindly invites him with her Syren's Voice, which yet proves too weak an Allurement, and cannot wake him into a natural Love.
On Chapter 10.
THE Island of Tools treats of Things which are not much less odious than the Cages of the Popehawk and Bishhawk. There's a Catch in the Prologue to the Fourth Book which is in a manner a Key to this Chapter: 'Tis that which follows,
The Author says, that those Staves or Plants, which grew up to fit themselves to Tools, seem'd Terrestrial Animals, in no wise so different from brute Beasts as not to have Flesh and Bone, but their [Page xciv] Heads were down, and their Feet upwards. At the end of the Chapter, he says, I spy'd behind I don't know what Bush, I don't know what Folks, doing I don't know what Business, in I don't know what Posture, scowring I don't know what Tools, in I don't know what manner, and I don't know what place. This Chapter requires a larger Comment; but, its Subject being none of the most modest, 'tis better to leave that to be done by those who love to dive to the bottom of those Matters.
On Chapter 11.
AFTER the Venereal Games, in the Island of Tools, we have those of Chance, in the Sharping Island. 'Tis said to be lean, sandy, barren and unpleasant, because, in the main seldom any thing is to be got by Games of Hazard, honestly. What is got at one time is generally lost at another, and goes as easily as it comes; for most Gamesters, often prodigal of what they have got, seldom consider, that should their Profits at the Year's end ballance their Losses, they still will be found to have lost their time, and squander'd away part of what should have made the Scales even between Profit and Loss; and so though [Page xcv] they have won much, they are poorer many times than they would have been had they not plaid at all. 'Tis obvious that the two little white square Rocks, with eight equal Points in the shape of a Cube, are the Dice; the six different Stories are their six different sides and numbers, that ascend from 1.2.3.4.5 to 6. Of which twenty one Points Rabelais makes so many Devils, because they tempt and bewitch men so much; though, as he observes, the Land is barren and unpleasant; for, after all, Gaming is a tedious Repetition of the same thing, and a continual gazing upon the Dice or Cards without any pleasing Discourse. Not to speak of the Fear and Agony of the Gamesters, their Toil, when they pass whole Nights at play, and break their Rest, and not their Fast; their Despair and Curses when they have lost, the mean Actions by which they debase themselves, to borrow, or pawn; and the Quarrels, and their sad Consequences among the greatest Friends on the account of Play. So that Pantagruel's Pilot was in the right, when he told him that more Wre [...]ks had happen'd about those Square Rocks, than about all the others in the Universe.
After the Games of Hazard, comes another that is as deceitful [...]t least; I mean the Trick of Reliques. The Author places [Page xcvi] them in the Island of Sharping, because the Church of Rome sharps the Superstitious Layity out of great Sums of Money by the doubtful Remains of as doubtful Saints, much more than by the real Reliques of the True. Accordingly our Travellers, with a world of pother and ado, Formalities and Antick Tricks, were blest at last with a sight of a Phial of Sangreal, that is, as I have observ'd on the 43d Chapter of the Fourth Book, what they impudently pretend to be our Saviour's Blood; but after all, 'twas only the scurvy Face of a roasted Conny. Mr. Emiliane, in his Book of the Frauds of the Romish Priests, tells us, that such a kind of a Relique is in Italy to this day: That pretended Blood is shewn with great Ceremonies, and store of Flambeaux, Torches, and Sanctifi'd Tapers, &c. Our Author says, that they saw nothing worth speaking of in that Island but a good Face set upon an ill Game, which suits well with the Carriage of those who shew such Sham Reliques; accordingly he says they also saw the Shells of the two Eggs formerly laid and hatch'd by Laeda; which indeed are most worthy being plac'd among such Reliques.
The Hats and Caps of the Manufactury of the Place (Chapeaux de Cassade) may be mention'd to banter some Prelates who had a mind to be Cardinals, and perhaps [Page xcvii] were fool'd out of the Money which they gave to the Pope's Favourites to that intent. Avoir des Cassades is a Burlesque Expression; such, as when we say, to begull'd, or swallow a Gudgeon. Yet, as Rabelais says, that some of the Company bought a piece of Laeda's Eggshells for a morsel of Bread, and then immediately adds, that they bought those Hats and Caps, which, he fear'd, would turn to no very good account, he may either mean that they were cheated there, or bought some sham Agnus Dei's, and such Holy Trumpery. Whatever it be, we find, that in the next Chapter they went through the Wicket; and, for offering to sell them again, were clapt into Lob's Pound, by order of Gripe-men-all, Arch-duke of the Furr'd-Law-Cats.
On Chapter 12.
PAntagruel prudently past by Condemnation with his Fleet, but some of his Companions more unfortunate or less wise, were stopt at the Wicket, and oblig'd to take their Trial. That Wicket is the Inquisition in general; and in particular, the Court establish'd in 1548. at Paris against the Lutherans; for we find that the Furr'd-Law-Cats [Page xcviii] (which mean the Judges, Presidents à Mortier, i. e. en Parlement) have Mortar-like Caps and Furr'd Gowns. A Common Mumper gives an admirable Account of the Place. He speaks of it as of a Hellish Court, where, without the least regard to Right or Wrong, they imprison, behead, hang and burn those who fall into their Clutches; where Vice passes for Vertue, Wickedness for Piety, Treason for Loyalty, and Robbery for Justice; yet whatever is acted by them, is approv'd by all men, except the Heretics; and he charges on its Members all the Woes that infest the World. One would almost think that [...]abelais meant some of the Nobility in the Netherlands by this Noble Gueux (Noble Beggar) for so he stiles him, after he had call'd him Gueux de [...]hastiere, Ostiarius Mendicus, a Common Mumper; which he probably did to hide his Thought, or turn that of the Reader from the Subject, at the same time that he speaks to him about it; a method which he has follow'd almost throughout this Work. 'Tis known that the Protestant Nobility, and others in the Netherlands, got the name of Gueux, i [...]e. Beggars, 'tis said, for opposing themselves to the setting up of the Inquisition: And though some trace the original of that Nickname no higher than the time of Margaret of Parma's Government, [Page xcix] some pretend it was given them long before by the Spaniards on that account. If this be not meant of those Noble Assertors of their Liberties in the Netherlands, as being written some years before that name of Gu [...]ux was universally spread, it must yet be own'd that it refers to the persecuting Courts of Judicature in those times, chiefly to the Inquisition, or at least to the Tourn [...]lle, that is, that part of the Courts of Parliament in France that tries Criminals: For in France men have not the Priviledge of being try'd by their J [...]ies, o [...] their Peers, which Englishm [...]n enjoy. Gripe-men-all is the Head of the Inquisition, or perhaps the President of that Count, which us'd the Protestants so severely in France in 1548. The Picture over the Chief Seat is that of Injustice.
On Chapter 13.
PAnurge being brought to the Bar, Gripe [...]men-all propounds to him a Riddle, and tells him, That the Earth shall immediately open its Jaws, and swallow him to quick Damnation▪ if he don't solve it. This is exactly the practice of the Inquisition; the Party that's accus'd is oblig'd to guess his Crime, and the Name of [Page c] his Accusers; and if he guesses amiss, he is certainly undone: but if he has the Wit or Good Fortune to discover them, he generally comes off better; and a round Fine, with St. Bennet's Cap, save him from being burn'd.
Panurge vainly insists on his Innocence; for Gripe-men-all replies, That if he hath nothing better to offer, he will let him know, that it had been better for him to have fallen into Lucifer's Clutches; that their Laws are like Cobwebs, in which little silly Flies are caught and destroy'd, but too weak to stop stronger Birds. This may have been spoke on the account of Pantagruel, who would not pass through the Wicket, that is to say, who would not submit to the Inquisition.
Gripe-men-all says, When did you hear that for these Three hundred years last past, any Body ever got out of this Weel without leaving something of his behind him? This is true enough, if spoken of the Inquisition; and about Three hundred years before Rabelais wrote, a Court of Inquisition was set up at Tholouse against the Albigenses, by Lewis the Ninth, call'd, The Saint.
On Chapter 17.
THE Forward Nation is easily known to be those Boon Companions, who, as the Author says, love heartily to wind up their Bottom, bang the Pitcher, and lick the Dish; Men who have been fair Swallowers of Gravy Soupe, Notable Accountants in matter of Hours, whose whole Lives are one continual Dinner, and who at last die of too much [...]at▪ of Diseases got by eating or drinking to Excess. This also reflects upon those who prodigally spend their Estates, and at last crack their Credits, and are forc'd to abscond, and thus may, in a manner, be said to be dead. This Chapter, which now ends with the pleasant Story of the Abbot of Castillers, who never us'd to be familiar with his Ma [...]s, but when he was drest in Pontificalibus, is imperfect; or there is a mistake in the account of its Contents, which promise a Rel [...]tion of the danger which Panurge was in, though not one word of it is mention'd in the whole Book.
On Chapter 18.
TO attain to the knowledge of Truth, 'tis necessary to take a Survey of every thing; so our Travellers steering their Course to its Oracle, sail towards the Queendom of Whims; by which, in general, may be understood all sorts of strange whimsical Notions, and Alchymy in particular.
Accordingly, as they come near that Country, that is, imitate the fantastic wavering People that fill their Heads with all the strange Imaginations which we call Whimsies, some sudden Gusts or Scuds of Wind arise, and the Wind shifting from Point to Point, is at no certainty: They tack about, the Gusts increase, and by Fits blow at once from several quarters. This very well represents an unfix'd Mind, that unmethodically applies itself to many things at once, then leaves them to think on others, which soon resign the working Brain to a Crowd of succeeding raw and undigested Notions.
The Master of the Ship orders the Sheers to be let fly, for fear of oversetting the Ship, and is for running adrift, or temporize, as the Author calls it; those Gusts [Page ciii] not being dangerous. This may mean, that 'tis not always proper to oppose altogether the Inclinations of some Men, even while it leads them to Studies and Attempts that seem insignificant; since time soon weens them of their darling Follies, and thus they know the better how to distinguish between the Useful and the Unprofitable.
After all, this may refer to some of those doubtful Points about which the Learned were as idly busy in that Age, as to this day many in This are about them and others, placing Religion more in Notions than in Actions, and neglecting the Practice to talk of the Theory: Such Questions are those of Free-will, Predestination, Justification, &c. by which the People reap as little Benefit as the Teachers gain Glory, when they display their learned Ignorance about them. Pantagruel's Ship that is stranded, or run aground, endeavouring to weather-coil and break through the Whirlwind, after it has been tost by it, is an Image of those who thinking to ease their fluctuating Minds▪ at last venture on some new Nation, which at first seems plausible to some, but they are soon g [...]d [...], and do not know how to get oil. The empty Drums which were on Board the Ship that came from Queen-Whims, which tow'd the Pantagru [...]s off [Page civ] ground, put me in mind of the help which School-Divinity affords in such Doubts; an empty Noise, meer Wind, and that's all, just as harmonious as the Sound made by the Gravel, and the Seamens Cheers; yet even that fantastic Relief proves real to some who are whimsically drawn by it, and by that means are in a fair way to proceed, and being led by the Currant, like our Travellers, arrive at the Queendom of Whims.
On Chapter 19.
THAT place which is also call'd E [...] tele [...]hy, and its Ruler Queen-Whims or Quintessence, is Alchymy, the pretended Philosophical Stone, as also Quacks, and all those beggarly Projectors, who, if you will believe them can make you Rich, and promise Mountains of Gold, whereas they sometimes want Brass to buy Bread; and more generally this refers to all Addle-headed Students and Contrivers. All know how infatuated many of the Chymists are with the Lapis, Aurum Potabile, a [...]d a Thousand Remedies, at whose very [...]ight▪ they'll tell you. Diseases disappear. The Leprosy, the Plague, Poysons, though never so corrosive, the Venereal Disease, the Gout, Pals [...]s; [Page cv] In short, all obstinate and dangerous Evils are cur'd by them in an unaccountable manner, if you will believe them. Now Rabelais, who, as Thu [...]nus says, was a most learned and experienced Physician, gives us freely to understand that all those Pretenders are so many Cheats, who sometimes deceive themselves, but generally others. For this Reason the first Port of that Island whereat he makes his Fleet touch, is Mate [...]techny ▪ [...] that the study of foolish improfitable Arts: Yet he makes those who profess them, give th [...]i [...] Country the Name of E [...]telechy ▪ from [...], Actus & [...]e [...]fect [...] ▪ as it is rendred in Aristotle's second Book de Anima. Tully, Tuscul. l 1. would have it to signify a Perpetual Motion. Now as several Learned M [...]n in former Ages have almost as largely descanted upon the Word, as some in This have lost Time about the Thing, Rabelais reflects upon them for it in this Chapter; and at the same time those Grammarians, who di [...]pute so [...]otly about Words and neglect Things, may be [...] as deserving to be plac'd among those who apply themselves to unprofitable Studies.
On Chapter 20.
RAbelais ridicules here those Empiri [...] whose chief Talent is Impudence and Lyes, while they pretend to cure [...] Incurable Diseases; and also those who seek an Universal Remedy, Rosa [...]ucians, Disciples of Trismegistus, Raimond Lullius, Arnold of Ville [...]uve, and such who are said to have understood the great Work or Ar [...]num Philosophicum, and (if you will believe them) the only true Sons of Wisdom. This makes him say, That Queen-Whims cur'd [...] all manner of Diseases with a Song full as effectually as some Kings rid M [...]n of the E [...]il, that takes its Name from their Dignity; by which he meant, that all those pretended Cures are just as solid as a Song, and are nothing but vain Talk.
The Qu [...]en's affected p [...]d [...]nti [...] Speech, mimics the way of Talk of some of our Demy-Vertu [...]sa's, who cannot think any one speaks well, unless he express himself with far-fetch'd Metaphors, long Tropes, uncommon Words, per Ambages, tedious Circonlocutions, and such fulsom stuff. Accordingly we find that Panurge could not tell how to answer her in the same Cant, [Page cvii] neither did Pantagruel return a word. However they din'd never the worse after it, while the Queen fed on nothing but Categories, Abstractions, Second Intentions, Metempsycoses, Transcendent Proleps [...]s, Expressions, Deceptions, Dreams, &c. in Greek and Hebrew.
On Chapter 21.
OUR Travellers see the Queen and some of her Subjects, who sift, searse, boult, range, and pass away Time, and revive ancient Sports. This reflects on those who wholly apply themselves to the Study of the Customs of the Ancients, while many times they are ignorant in those of the Moderns; a sort of Book worms, some of which, conversing with none but the Dead, are hardly qualify'd for tho Company of the Living. Our Author, who seldom forgets the Monks, says, That one of the Queen's Officers cur'd the Consumptive by turning them into Monks, by which means they grew fat and plump. What he says of the Nine Gentlemen who were rid of their Poverty, having a Rope put about their Necks, at the end of which hang'd a Box with Ten thousand Crowns in't, may refer to some in those Times who [Page cviii] either had or fanci'd they were to have the Collar of the Order of St. Michael, or some other, bestow'd on them with a Pension.
On Chapter 22.
THIS Chapter ridicules those who attempt Impossibilities; accordingly our Author says they made Blackamoors white, rubbing their Bellies with the bottom of a Pannier, plow'd a sandy Shoar with three Couples of Foxes in one Yoke, and did not lose their Seed; which Undertakings have given occasion to several Proverbs among the Ancients, to denote Labour in vain, as A [...]thi [...]pem dealbar; arenas arare; laterem lavare; pumice aridius; ex asino lanam, and oth [...]rs which o [...] Author has purposely mention'd. Some Mathematicians, Dialectitians, Naturalists and Metaphysicians, are ingeniously satiriz'd in this Chapter.
On Chapter 23.
QƲeen-Whims or Quintessence's Supper, is not more substantial than her Dinner; for she eats nothing but Ambrosia, drinks nothing but Nectar; and the Lords [Page cix] and Ladies that were there, far'd on such Di [...]hes as Apicius dream'd of All this is Dream and Poetical Food, and consequently of easy Digestion. An Olla or Hotchpodge follows, which may represent a mixture of confus'd Notions jumbled together. The Cards, Dice, Chequers and B [...]wls full of Gold (for those who would play) the Mules in stately Trappings, Velvet Litters and Coaches, are the vain hopes of those who are subject to Whims, and dream of finding the Philosopher's Stone.
The Queen tastes and chews nothing; her Praegustators and Masticators (her Tasters and Chewers) do that for her; and she never visits a Close-stool but by Proxy. This signifies, That those who employ those Cheats who pretend to make Gold, swallow every thing that comes from them, without examining the sense of it, o [...] chewing the [...] upon the matter; all goes down glibly with them so greedy they are of possessing such a mighty Secret. But the Alchymists, whom they trust, bestir their Grinders lustily in the mean time, and do not feed altogether on Smoke as do their Patro [...]s, who are here said never to go to Stool but by Proxy; because they are only fed with Words and Promises; all vanishes in Smoke The word Sp [...]ziater signifies one who fairly gets S [...]t from Brass, by trying and melting it down.
On Chapter 24.
THE Ball in the manner of a Turnament, which was perform'd before the Queen, is a most lively and ingenious description of the Game of Chess. The Floor of the Hall, which is cover'd with a large piece of velveted white and yellow chequer'd Tapistry, means the Chequer-Board. The 32 young Persons, one half drest in Cloth of Gold, and the other in Cloth of Silver, are the 32 Chess-men; Kings, Queens, Bishops, Knights, Rooks and Pawns. They play three Games, the two first are won by the Silver'd King, and the last by his Adversary.
Our Author, who cannot [...]e too much admir'd for his Art in raising Satirical Reflections of great moment, most naturally, out of Trifles, where they are least to be expected, in the midst of this admirable Allegory, seems to have reflected upon his King Francis's Rashness, which made him be taken Prisoner at the Battel of Pavia: For, speaking of the Golden Queen, who in this Latruncularian War (if I may [...]se the expression) skirmish'd too boldly, and was taken, he says, the rest were soon routed after the taking of their Queen; [Page cxi] who, without doubt, from that Time resolv'd to be more wary, and not venture so far amidst her Enemies, unless with more Forces to defend her.
He also brought in very pleasantly Cardinal Cusa's Boyish Observation, in his Simile on a Top or Gigg; and so he has done almost all over this Work.
He is not less Artful in bringing off his [...]antagruelists, that they may no longer be hinder'd by Whims, from arriving at the Oracle of Truth: For he says, that while they minded this pleasing Entertainment, and were charm'd with the Melody that play'd to the Dancers, Queen-Whims vanish'd; and they strait went o'board their Ships, the Wind being fair; for had they not [...] Sail immediately, they could hardly have got off in three quarters of a Moon in the Wain: That is to say, by the means of Music, ingenious Games, Dancing, and other innocent Recreations, many ease their Minds of perplexing Thoughts, and leave those crabbed, whimsical, unprofitable Studies, which wholly possess'd them before; for those idle busy Fancies vanish, like the evil Spirit of Saul, at the harmonious Sound of Instruments: But should not the Mind after this be immediately appli'd to some solid Inquiries that may ingross all its Faculties, it would be in danger of being [Page cxii] taken up again with unnecessary and uncertain Businesses.
'Tis observable that Rabelais has made these Chapters very clear, and almost sufficient to teach a Man to play at Chess; that his Satirical Allegories throughout the Work, which are darker, might be thought of no greater moment than this Ball and Turnament.
On Chapter 26.
THE Island of Odes where the Ways go up and down, is the Subject of this Chapter. The Author seems p [...]rtly inclin'd to droll, by the means of an H [...] pallagical Expression, us'd by the English [...] well as by the French; while, speaking [...] Way or Road, we ask, Whither it goes▪ instead of asking, To what place Men [...] by that Way? He takes thence an opp [...]rtunity to banter Aristotle's saying, That [...] Self-moving Things are Animals.
By the By, he gives a Touch to the School-men, when he says, That he [...] one taken up with a Warrant, for having in spight of Pallas, (invita Minerva) taken the School-way, which is the longe [...] What he says of Bourges High-way, which went with the Deliberation of an Abb [...] [Page cxiii] must be understood of that University, famous for the study of the Civil Law.
He calls it the Island of Ode [...] from [...], which signifies a Way or Road▪ a Conveniency to forward us in a J [...]urney, as a Wagon, Boat, &c. a Way or Rule of Living, a Method; and finally, an Ambush on a Road by Robbers. Now in some of these Senses the Ways may properly enough be said to go up and down; and allowing to the word Way, the latitude of the Greek word [...], the Enigma will easily be solv'd. There may also have been some persons nam'd Chemin, or du Chemin, in the Castle and Village of Od [...]s in Big [...]rre, where Queen Margaret of Navarre died, and the Author may perhaps allude to their Surname, as common in France, as Way is in England.
On Chapter 27.
THE Island of the Sandals is the next place which our Tavellers visit. Rabelais calls it l'Isle des Esclots. Esclot is a Patten, Sandal, or Wooden Shoe in some parts of France, particularly towards Thol [...]use. So because it is the Dwelling of Friars, and many of them wear Sandals or Clogs, I call it the Island of Sandals. [Page cxiv] Yet as the word Esclop formerly was us'd in France for Esclave, a Slave, I am persuaded that our Author gave that Name of Escl [...]t to this Island, chiefly to disguise his Intent, which was to tell us that its Inhabitants are Esclops, Slaves: For such all Monks become to the will of their Superiors, by the Vow of Obedience which they are oblig [...]d to make at their admission into their respective Sodalities. All this Chapter is [...]most cutting Satire on Monachism in general, and seems to reflect particularly on the Jesuits, but the Author has affected to be mystical all along in what may be applied to them.
The Jesuits may well be call'd Slaves, considering their Rules; some of which are These, exhibited in Exercitia Spiritualia Ign. Loyol [...], printed at Antwerp. ‘They must abandon all Judgment of their own, be always ready to obey the Church of Rome, and believe that Black is White, and White is Black, if She says it: They ought to regard the Command of their Superior as that of God himself, and submit to his Government, as though they were meer Machines, or an old man's Staff, to be mov'd at his pleasure.’
Twas upon this account that Pope Paul III. confirm'd the Establishment of their Society, which was not to exceed [Page cxv] 60, in 1540. about Ten years before Rab [...]lais wrote this Book. The time of their Institution agrees very well with what Rabelais says, That Benius III. shew'd a spick and span-new Monastery to our Travellers, contriv'd by him for the Semi-quaver Friars. What is added may refer to all Monks and Friars in general.
By the Statutes, Bulls and Patents of Queen Whims, they were all [...]st like so many House-burners: This reflect [...]irst on the Pope and his Bulls, as being Whimsical▪ for setting up n [...] Monasteries against the hair, while many pull'd them down; and then implies that they burn the Houses where they come; w [...] ing the Substance of Families, and blowing up the Fire of Division everywhere.
Their quilted Paunches shew that they love to stuff their Hides to the purpose.
Their double Codpieces, one before, and t'other behind, shew, that many a Monk, and particularly a Jesuit, is ad utrumque paratus; à parte post & à parte antè; and may well say, hanc veniam petimusque damusque vicissim. This abominable practise of theirs made the Author say, That some dreadful Mysteries were duly represented by this duplicity of Codpieces; and as he speaks in the plural, they may also imply, that a Monk does as much work as two others at the Venereal Exercise.
[Page cxvi] Their Shoes are round, that they may move forward, backward, or sideways, as their Interest guides them.
Their Chins are close shav'd; to shew there is no holding or [...]leecing a Monk; or to speak more plainly, nothing to be got by them.
Their Feet are Iron-shed; because there is no driving them out when once they get sooting; for they stick close, and firmly keep their hold.
They shave the hind parts of their Poles, from the Crown to the Omoplata, or the Muscles of the Sh [...]ulder-blade; that none may take hold of them behind.
They wear sharp Raz [...]rs at their Waste: This may mean a good Stomach, or that they cut to the quick whatever lies in their way.
They grind them twice a day, and set them thrice a night, by the means of their Matius, Vigils, the Office of the Day, &c.
They have a round Ball [...]on their Feet. This Ball is the World, which they would gladly bring under their subjection; neither is it strange it should be said to be on their Feet, in opposition to Fortune that has a Ball under hers: For, 'tis said by Friar Ihon, at the end of the Chapter, Ay, ay, this is the World, and t'other is the Counr [...]y; may I never piss, if this be not an Antichthonian Land, and our very Antipodes. [Page cxvii] So that, according to the Vulgar acceptation, supposing the Earth to be here under our Feet, it must be on or above our Antipodes.
The Flaps of their Cowles hide their Noses; so they laugh without fear both at Fortune and the Fortunate: That is, within their Monasteries, they laugh in their Sleeves at those wh [...]se good Fortune inables them, and whose Foolishness inclines them to help to maintain them in their Idleness.
The hind part of their Heads are always uncover'd as are our Faces, and coarsely dawb'd over with Eyes and a M [...]uth: Which denotes the Gri [...]aces and Antick Tricks with which they amuse the silly People, in a manner only shewing their Backside to them, while, as we have said, they really laugh to one another at the gull'd Mob's simplicity.
When th [...]ir hind Face went forward, you would have sworn this had been their natural [...]: That is, By their Vow of Poverty they grow rich▪ rule by their Vow of Obedience, are the lewder for their Vow of Chastity, and get forward when they seem to lose ground.
If they offer'd to waddle along with their B [...]llies f [...]rward [...] ▪ you would have thought th [...]y were th [...] playing at Blind-man's Buff: Because they are not us'd to walk fairly, or act like other People, and are to seek when [Page cxviii] they must leave their crooked ways, and go the right way to work.
They are booted and spurr'd, as it were, to take a Journey to Heaven; but instead of hast'ning thither on Horseback, they sleep and snore as soon as 'tis Owl-light.
They are oblig'd to yawn, and that's th [...] first Breakfast; This implies their Lazin [...]ss, and perhaps the singing or bawling at Matins.
They wash their hands and mouths; This may be the taking of Holy-water.
Then they sit down on a long Bench, and pick their Teeth, till the Provost gives the Signal; which heard, they stretch out their Jaws as wide as they can, and gape and yawn [...] about half an hour, more or less, according to the Day; This may mean their sitting down while the Office of the Day is read, and then their singing and quavering.
After this, they went in Procession, going out at another Door than that through which the [...] came into the Church; whence Pantagruel concludes, they are not such Fools as his Attendants take them to be, having more holes than one to creep out.
[Page cxix] At the Procession, the Idol of Fortune is carried in State▪ and the Image of Virtue follows it, carried by a Semiqu [...]ver, who all the while besprinkles the Idol with Holy-water; which shews that Fortune goes before Virtue among the Monks, and that they are lavish of their Incense to none but the Fortunate.
After the Procession, they went into the Fratry-R [...]m, and there kneel'd under the Tables; Because 'tis the Heaven where reside the only gods they adore, plac'd in the Dishes as on so many Thrones. This way of explaining this dark Passage, appears the more justifiable, considering what Pantagruel says in the 34th Chapter, to the Illustrious Lantern that guided him and his Company through an Arbor cover'd over with Leaves and Branches of Vines, and loaded with Clusters. ‘Jupiter's Priestess, said he, would not, like us, have walk'd under this Arbor.’ ‘There was a [...] Reason (answer'd the most perspie [...]s Lantern) that would have hindred her: For had she gone under it, the Wine or the Grapes of which 'tis made, that's the same thing, had been over her head, and then she would have seem'd over-topt and master'd by Wine; which signifies, &c.’
They had each of them a Lantern below the Breast and Stomach on which th [...]y lean'd. The [Page cxx] Lantern should be an empty Belly; for after their Breakfast, which consisted only of yawning, chanting, and quavering, they had not so fill'd themselves as not to want to stuff the Gut.
The huge Sandal, who, while they were in that Posture, us'd to come in with a Pitchfork in his hand, and treated them after a fashion, is the Friar, who always comes in with a Book, in which he reads while they are at Table.
They begin their Meal with Che [...]se, and end it with Mustard and Lettice; This shews, like most of this Chapter, that th [...]se Semiquavers affect a way of living quite contrary to other Mens; and as Cheese is esteem'd heavy Food, and hard to be digested, when much of it is eaten, principally by itself, and before we are fill'd with other things, whose Digestion it might help, so by Cheese may be meant the Benedicite, or Grace before meat, which is as heavy, tedious and irksom to the gluttonous hungry Fraternity, as a long-winded Presbyterian Grace to a half famish'd Libertine when Dinner's upon the Table.
The Mustard and Lettice with which they end the Meal, is the Agimus, or Grace after meat, almost as unpleasant to the Semiquavers, who think it unseasonable, because they are in haste to go about the Recreations [Page cxxi] mention'd in the next Chapter. Our Author, according to his Custom of hiding his Touches of Satire in equivocal expressions, may mean, that this Ceremony after Dinner m [...]ult tarde, multiem tardat, is tedious, and les tue, is Death to them; thus punning upon Moutarde and laitue.
After Dinner, they pass some time in praising those gods who blest them with so sweet a Life, and are taken up the rest of the day with Acts of Charity, as Rubbers at Cuffs, Suiting and Fly-flapping, Worming and Pumping, Tickling, J [...]rking and Firking one another, and such other pious Deeds as are contain'd in the Twenty eighth Chapter.
Then at Night they bo [...]t and spur each other, (by which something very odious seems meant) and clap their Barnicles on the handles of their Faces, which may imply that they are oblig'd to look about them for fear of being discover'd.
At midnight they are call'd up by one of their Brother Sandals, and do as in the day-time.
When they are on Sea and Rivers, they are [...]j [...]n'd neither to touch n [...]r eat any manner of [...]sh; and to abstain from all manner of Flesh when they are at Land. That is, Monks use to seem kind to those who are near them, and who support them, and only bite the absent, yet even this is not always true; [Page cxxii] but 'tis more certain that as they are dainty, they long for things that are not easily got, as for Example, fresh Meat at Sea and fresh Fish at Land, chiefly in such inland places as are very remote from Seas or Rivers.
On Chapter 28.
PAnurge asks a Semiquaver Friar many Questions concerning the private Customs of the Monastic Tribe particularly their Chastity and Sobriety▪ to which the good Friar in more than [...]eonie Terms, gives serious and most p [...]tin [...]nt Answers: And though nothing but M [...]nosyllable can be [...]ot from [...]im he speaks so fully, clearly, and to the putt o [...] that all the 28th Chapter needs no Commentary. By this affected Brevity, Rabelais ridicules that of some of the hypocritical Monks when they come among the Laity, which makes Friar Ihon say, The Dog yelps at another gat's rate when he is among his Bitches, there he is Polisyllable enough, my Life for yours.
On Chapter 29.
THIS Chapter is full of Reflections upon the keeping of Lent▪ occasion'd by the Answers of the Semiquaver, who concludes in Monosyllables, that Epistemon ought to be burn'd for a rank Heretic, because he inveighs against it and the Hypocrisy and Tricks of his Brother Cheats, during that Harvest of theirs.
On Chapter 30 and 31.
THE Island of Satin means more than one thing; first it signifies su [...]h Tapistry Work as we call Arras; in wh [...]ch are represented several Hist [...]r [...]es, Fables, and as fabulous Animals and Vegetables such as are many of those of which the Au [...]hor spe [...]ks in th [...]se two Chapters He displays a great knowledge of Antiquity in the account he gives us of those matters, and an uncommon Wit and Judgment in his Remarks.
This Island means chiefly the Works of several Ancient and Modern Authors mention'd here, who having often spoke by [Page cxxiv] Hear-say, are not to be believ'd in many Things, though their Style be as smooth and soft as Satin. We may also understand by that Land of Satin, the Romances of that Age, fill'd with Monsters, and monstrous Tales, and chiefly that of Amadis de Gaul, which was then very much read the best Writers, as I have already said, having chosen to translate that Book, to display in it all the Beauties, Copiousness and Graces which the French Tongue could boast in the Reign of Henry II.
What he says of Hear-say, who kept a School of Vouching, is easily understood; but every one here do's not know that many Natives of Perche, Maine, and some adjacent Parts of France, are in ill Repute as to the point of Veracity, in the other Provinces of that Kingdom, where they esteem those Countries the Nurseries of Affidavit-men, and Pettifoggers; which makes our Author say, that they liv'd so well by their trade of Evidencing, that they treated strangers, and made a great Figure in That Age, in which thing they are perhaps outdone by Some in This. They advis'd our Travellers to be as sparing of Truth as possible, if ever they had a mind to get Court-preferment; but our Author, who was of another Part of France, could not learn to follow their Directions.
On Chapter 32 and 33.
LAnternland is the Land of Learning, frequented by Batchelors of Arts, M [...]sters of Arts, Doctors and Professors in various Studies, Bishops, &c. Thus in the preceeding Chapter, Aristotle is seen in a blind Corner holding a Lantern, watching, p [...]ying, cudgelling his Brain, and setting every thing down, with a pack of Philosophasters about him, like so many Bums by a Head Bailiff, because he is Lantern of the Peripateticians. Here we have Bartolus, the Lantern of the Civilians; Epicurus one of the Lanterns of the Stoicks.
The Lantern of Rochel on a high Tower, which stood his Fleet in good stead, casting a great Light, seems to be Geoffr [...]y d' [...]stiss [...], Bishop and Lord of M [...]llezais, one of Rabelais's best Patrons, and even for tha [...] never to be forgotten; he would not call him the Lantern of Maillezais, for this had been too plain and improper, because Maillezais is an Inland Town; but as Rochel was then the Chief Town in that Diocess, insomuch that the Episcopal See has been transferr'd to that Seaport-Town in 1648. he calls him the Lantern of Rochel, which he places on a high Tower, because that [Page cxxvi] Prelate was Eminent for his Quality, as well as for his Vertue and Learning We may easily see by Rabelais's Letters to him, that he was neither a Papist nor a Bigot; and had those which they wrote to each other in Cyphers been ever Published, I do not doubt but he would have appear'd as much a Friend to th [...] Reformation, as some of the House of Roch [...]u [...]ult, who were the Heirs of his Family. Thus the Lanterns of the Church are the Bishops, Doctors of Divinity, Deans, Preachers, and all those who can explain the Sacred Writ, at least 'tis certain, they apply those words of the Gospel to themselves, You are the light of the world.
He tells us that the Lanterns held their Provincial Chapter; so this may be thought by some to refer to the Council of Trent; yet I had rather understand it of some Meeting of the Clergy in France, or more particularly of the University of Paris, some of whose best Members may be the Lanterns which Lighted our Travellers after they had made their Application to the Queen for one to Conduct them to the Oracle of the Bottle, or rather to the Knowledge of Truth. Our Author concludes this Book with the Explanation of that Passage, making the Priestess commend the P [...]tagru [...]sts for having imitated the Philosophers in being guided [Page cxxvii] by a good Lantern; adding, that two things are necessary to arrive safely and pleasantly at the Knowledge o [...] God and true Wisdom; First, God's gracious Guidance, then Man's Assistance.
The Lychnobians, who inhabit a little hamlet near the Port of Lanternland, are Booksellers; They Live by Lanterns, that is, by the Learned, as the Gulligutted Fryars live by Nuns; that is, they grow as fat by Buying and Selling their Works, as the hungry Friars do by managing the Concerns of Nuns, of which they are so greedy. They are studious People; that is, they often Study how to get a good Copy for little or nothing, contrive a Taking Title, &c. And are as Honest men as ever sh— in a Trumpet. I believe this needs no Comment.
On Chapter 34.
BEing lighted and directed by the Lantern [the Learned] our Travellers at [...] arrive at the Island where was the Oracles of the Bottle, [Truth] Their Guide de [...]s them not to be a [...]umed whatever they see, because [...]ar disorders the Mind, and renders us incapable of discovering Truth. They pass through a large Vine-yard, in [Page cxxviii] which are all sorts of Vines, which yield Leaves, Flowers, and Fruits, all the Year round. There they eat three Grapes, put Vine-leaves in their Shoes, and take Vine-branches in their hands.
The variety of Vines in this large Vine-yard, implies the vast Field through which the Learned range in the search after Truth: Some Matters like the Leaves are unprofitable; some like the Flowers pleasant; and others like the Fruit useful. But they must use even the last moderately (which is implied by the three Grapes); and at the first entrance into the Regions of Truth, be soberly wise; the insignificant Leaves must be trod under foot: For this reason they put some in their Shoes; and also to shew they have master'd the Rudiments of Learning, unless some will say, that the Leaves at their Feet signify their desire of stepping forward to come to the Oracle of Truth. Vine-branches (which may well be supposed to have Flowers as well as Leaves) are h [...]ld by them in their L [...]ft-hand, in token of their hopes to reap the Fruit of their Study.
On Chapter 35.
THey go down under Ground through a Plaster'd Vault▪ on which is coursely painted a Dance of Women and Satires, wa [...]ting on old Silenus, who was grinning of Horse-back on his Ass. This sh [...]ws, that we must not dwell on the surface or out [...]e of Things, but dive to their very Centre or Bo [...]tom to come at Truth. This also may refer to this Work; the Plaister'd Vault, on which is coursely dawb'd a Dance of Women and [...]atires, is its literal Sen [...]e, s [...]y, drunken, lewd and satirical Expressions, and our Author is the Silenus, who grins and laughs at every one. He has ingeniously brought in a Discourse about the Antiquity of Chin [...]n, his Native Town, by which he seems at the same time to ridicule the Fables that are reported in many Towns about their Founders, whom some make as Ancient as the Patriarch of the highest Pedigree in Wales.
On Chapter 36.
OUr Pilgrims going down the Tetradick Stairs, find a resting place after the first Step, another resting place after the third, another after the Sixth, and a fourth resting-place after the tenth St [...]p. This implies, that the Progress made at first in the way to Truth, is but small, but by degrees a greater is made, the more we get forwards; so that on the second Day we go twice as far as we did the first; three times as far on the third; and four times as far on the fourth; till at last we come to our Journeys end.
On Chapter 37, &c.
THe Description of the Temple, its Gates, Pavement, Walls, Lamps, and Fountains, is a Master-piece of Archit [...] cture, by which the Author show'd, that he knew as well all the Beauties of that Art, as he did those of every other that deserves the Application of a Man of Sense. If any have a mind to look for Mysteries in all this, perhaps they may find many, [Page cxxxi] whose discovery will reward their search. As for me, as I have not had leisure to say more in less room, I will only say something of it that may give a general Idea of the Author's design, and so conclude.
Bacbuc, which is the name of the Bottle, and also that of the Priestess who ministers at the Oracle, is Hebrew, and as we have said, signifies a Bottle.
Our Mysterious Author may perhaps be thought to have had a mind to hint, that the Hebrew Original or Text of the Bible, is the first Spring of Truth, that flows out of it into the Versions, as Wine pour'd out of a Bottle into a Glass or Cup. Then as on the Po [...]tal of the Temple▪ there was written in Characters of the finest Gold, EN OINΩ AAHΘEIA, some may think it implies, that the Wine of Truth is also to be found in the Greek Text of the New Testament, which gives the name of Wine to Truth, Buy Wine and H [...]n [...]y without Money. The two folding Gates may also be fancied to donor the Old Testament and the New, wh [...]h must be open'd to come to the Oracle of Truth Every one will not like this manner of explaining those Passages; but all, I hope, will approve the following way of understanding the rest.
The Perspi [...]us La [...]tern which lighted and guided our Votaries opens those Gates; [Page cxxxii] but desires them not to take it amiss, that she does not go into Temple with them, leaving them wholly to the Conduct of the Priestess Bacbuc; for the Lantern was not allow'd to go in for certain Causes, rather to be conceal'd than reveal'd to Mortals. However she advised them to be resolute and secure.
This Mystical Reason is, That as Truth is hated in this World, most of the Learned, who know it, are afraid of conversing with it openly, lest this make many Men their Enemies, spoil their Preferment, ruin them, and perhaps cost them their Lives. For this reason they come to the very Portal of Truth's Temple, and even open the Gates to others, yet do not enter within its Sanctuary.
The greatest Men, both of the Clergy and Laity in France, acted thus in the Reign of Francis the First, and Henry the Second.
But another cause of the Venerable Lantern's staying without the Temple, was the piercing Glory which flowed out of the inextinguishable Lamp which fill'd that Subterranean Temple with a Light infinitely quicker and clearer than that of the Sun. So that this extream Brightness would have utterly dimn'd and eclips'd that of the Lantern.
The Author [...]ould never have concluded better than by saying, That when our Sages [Page cxxxiii] shall wholly apply their Minds to a diligent and studious search after Truth, beseeching the Hidden God to make himself known to them; that Almighty Being will do it and impart to them also the Knowledg of his Creatures.
Of the Pantagruelian Prognostication, and other short Pieces.
OUR Author, who was a Learned Astronomer has chiefly ridicul'd Astologers in his Prognostication. He publish'd an Almanack, printed at Lyons in 1553, and perhaps this was printed with it: However, we cannot be fine of this, for it is not to be procured, no more than some of his Letters, besides his Schiemachy, and Festivals at Rome, in Cardinal Du Bellay's Palace at the Duke of Orleans's Birth. I am told, that something of the nature of these Predictions has been printed here in Poor Robin's Almanack; I do not wonder at it; for as there is Wit and Satire in this Piece, even one of the most Learned Men in Germany has not been asham'd to borrow a great deal of it; I mean Joachim Fortius Rindelbergius, who begins a small Piece of this nature, with the [Page cxxxiv] very beginning of the Second Chapter of this.
Thus he has it in Latin, Proximo an [...] coeci parum aut nihil videbunt, surdi malè audient, muti non loqu [...]ntur. Ver erit calidum ac humidum, aestas calida & sicca, autumnus frigidus & si [...]cus, hyems frigida & sicca. Aestate erunt quandoque pluviae, interdum fulmina & tomtrua. Bellum erit inter Aueupes & aves, inter piscatores & pisces, inter canes & lepores, inter feles & mures, inter lupos & oves, inter Monachos & ova. Multi interibunt pisces, boves, oves, p [...]rci, caprae, pu [...] ▪ & cap [...]nes; inter simias, canes & [...]qu [...]s, mors n [...]n tanteperè sevi [...]t. Senectus [...]dem anno erit imm [...]dicabilis propter annos qui praecesserunt. Non pau [...]i in [...]p [...]â laborabunt, &c. p. 556.
There runs a vein of P [...]sia [...]tism through most of this Work, which is undoubtedly Rabelais's, tho 'tis said to be Calculated by Ale fribas Pl [...]s [...]; for that Name is only [...] [...]nagram of the Author's, [...]ranc [...]s R [...]belais.
The Epistle said to be written by the Lym [...]sin, partly in an affected Fr [...]nchi [...]ed Latin, is to ridicule that way of Writing, as appears by the Epigram after it.
The Cream of Encyclopedic Questions is a trifle, which, like many other more insignificant of other great Men, has been kept from Oblivion meerly for the sake of it [...] Author, and added to his Works, with [Page cxxxv] the Epistles, after his Death, as appears by the Title Page of some old Editions of th [...] Fifth Book.
The Epistle to the Old Hag, seems to be a sharp Invective against the Church of Rome.
The Epistle to the Wise Matron, seems to be an Encomium on the Reform'd Church.
On Rabelais Explain'd by Mr. Motteux, and his Translation of the two last Books.
On Mr. Motteux's Translation of the two last Books of Rabelais, and his Key to the whole.
To Mr. Motteux on his Translation of the two last Books of Rabelais, and his Key to the whole.
THE AUTHOR'S Epistle Dedicatory To the most Illustrious PRINCE, And most Reverend Odet, Cardinal de Chastillon.
YOU know, Most Illustrious Prince, how often I have been and am dayly prest by great Numbers of Eminent Persons, to proceed in the Pantagruelian Fables; they tell me that [Page] many languishing, sick and disconsolate Persons perusing them, have deceiv'd their grief, pass'd their time merrily, and been inspir'd with new Joy and Comfort. I commonly answer, that I aim'd not at Glory and Applause, when I diverted my self with writing; but only design'd to give by my Pen, to the absent who labour under Affliction, that little help which at all times I willingly strive to give to the Present that stand in need of my Art, and Service. Sometimes I at large relate to them, how Hippocrates in several places, and particularly in Lib. 6. Epidem. describing the Institution of the Physician his disciple, and also Soranus of Ephesus, Orbasius, Galen, Hali, Abbas, and other Authors, have descended to particulars in the prescription of his Motions, Deportment, Looks, Countenance, Gracefulness, Civility, Cleanliness of face, Cloaths, Beard, Hair▪ Hands, Mouth, even his very Nails▪ As if he were to play the Part of a Lover, in some Comedy, or enter [Page] the Lists to Fight some Enemy. And indeed the practice of Physic is properly enough compar'd by Hippocrates to a Fight, and also to a Farce acted between three Persons, the Patient, the Physician, and the Disease. Which Passage has sometimes put me in mind of Julia's saying to Augustus her Father. One day she came before him in a very gorgeous loose lascivious Dress: which very much displeas'd him, though he did not much discover his discontent. The next day, she put on another, and in a modest Garb, such as the chast Roman Ladies wore, came into his presence. The kind Father could not then forbear expressing the pleasure which he took to see her, so much alter'd, and said to her: Oh! how much more this Garb becomes, and is commendable in the Daughter of Augustus. But she, having her excuse ready, answered: This day, Sir, I drest my self to please my Father's Eye; yesterday to gratify that of my Husband. Thus, disguis'd in looks and garb, nay even, [Page] as formerly was the Fashion, with a rich and pleasant Gown with four sleeves which was called Philonium, according to Petrus Alexandrinus in 6. Epidem. a Physician might answer to such as might find the Metamorphosis indecent: Thus have I accoutred my self, not that I am Proud of appearing in such a Dress; but for the sake of my Patient, whom alone I wholly design to please, and no ways offend or dissatisfie. There is also a Passage in our Father Hippocrates, in the Book I have nam'd, which causes Some to sweat, dispute and labour; not indeed to know whether the Physician's frowning, discontented, and morose Look render the Patient sad, and his joyful, serene and pleasing Countenance rejoyce him, for experience teaches us that this is most certain; But whether such Sensations of grief, or pleasure, are produc'd by the apprehension of the Patient, observing his motions and qualities in his Physician, and drawing from thence coniectures of the end, and catastrophe [Page] of his disease, as, by his pleasing Look, joyful and desireable Events, and by his sorrowful and unpleasing Air, sad and dismal Consequences; or whether those Sensations be produced by a transfusion of the serene or gloomy, aerial or terrestrial, joyful or melancholic Spirits of the Physician, into the Person of the Patient, as it is the Opinion of Plato, Averroes and others.
Above all things the best Authors have given particular directions to Physicians about the Words, Discourse, and Converse, which they ought to have with their Patients, every one aiming at one point, that is, to rejoyce them without offending God, and in no ways whatsoever to vex or displease them. Which causes Herophilus much to blame that Physician who being ask'd by a Patient of his, Shall I dye? impudently made him this Answer:
Another who had a mind to know the state of his distemper, asking him after our merry Patelin's way: Well, Doctor, do's not my Water tell you I shall dye? He foolishly answer'd, No; if Latona the Mother of those lovely Twins, Phoebus and Diana, begot thee. Galen. lib. 4. Comment. 6. Epidem. blames much also Quintus his Tutor, who, a certain noble Man of Rome, his Patient saying to him, You have been at break-fast, my Master, your breath smells of Wine; answered arrogantly, yours smells of Fever, which is the better smell of the two? Wine or a putrid Fever? But the Calumny of certain Cannibals Misanthropes, perpetual Eaves-droppers, has been so foul and excessive, that it had conquered my patience; and I had resolv'd not to write one jot more. For the least of their Detractions [Page] were, that my Books are all stuffed with various Heresies, of which nevertheless they could not show one single Instance; much indeed of Comical and facetious fooleries, neither offending God nor the King: (And truly I own they are the Subject, and only Th [...]me of these Books.) But of heresy, not a Word, unless they interpreted wrong and against all use of reason, and common Language, what, I had rather suffer a thousand deaths, if it were possible, than have thought; as who should make Bread to be stone, a fish to be a Serpent, & an Egg to be a Scorpion. This, my Lord, emboldned me once to tell you, as I was complaining of it in your presence, that if I did not esteem my self a better Christian, than they show themselves towards me, and if my life, writings, words, nay thoughts betray'd to me one single spark of heresy, or I should in a detestable manner fall into the Snares of the Spirit of Detraction, [...] that by their means raises such Crimes against me; I would then [Page] like the Phoenix gather dry Wood, kindle a fire, and burn my self in the midst of it. You were then pleas'd to say to me, That King Francis of Eternal memory, had been made sensible of those false accusations: And that having caused my Books, ( [...]e, I say, because Several false, and infamous have been wickedly layd to me,) to be carefully, and distinctly read to him by the most learned, and faithful Anagnost in this Kingdom, he had not sound any Passage suspitious; and that he abhorr'd a certain envious, ignorant, hypocritical Informer, who grounded a mortal heresy on an N put instead of an M by the carelesness of the Printers.
As much was done by his Son, our most gracious, virtuous, and blessed Sovereign, Henry, whom Heaven long preserve; so that he granted you his Royal privilege, and particular protection, for me against my slandering adversaries.
[Page]You kindly condescended since, to confirm me these happy News at Paris, and also lately when you visited my Lord Cardinal du Bellay, who for the benefit of his health, after a lingring distemper, was retired to St. Maur that place (or rather Paradise) of salubrity, serenity, conveniency, and all desireable Country-Pleasures.
Thus, my Lord, under so glorious a Patronage, I am emboldened once more to draw my pen, undaunted now and secure; with hopes that you will still prove to me against the power of Detraction, a second Galli [...] Hercules in Learning, Prudence, and Eloquence, and Alexicacos in virtue, power and authority; you, of whom I may truly say what the wise Monarch Solomon saith of Moses that great Prophet, and Captain of Israel; Ecclesiast. 45. A Man fearing and loving God, who found favour in the sight of all flesh, whose memorial is blessed. God made him like to the [Page] glorious Saints, and magnified him so, that his enemies stood in fear of him; and for him made Wonders: made him glorious in the sight of Kings, gave him a Commandment for his People, and by him shew'd his light; he sanctified him in his faithfulness, and meekness, and chose him out of all Men. By him he made us to hear his Voice, and caused by him the Law of life and knowledge to be given.
Accordingly if I shall be so happy as to hear any one commend those merry Composures, they shall be adjur'd by me to be oblig'd, and pay their thanks to you alone, as also to offer their prayers to Heaven for the continuance and encrease of your Greatness; and to attribute no more to me, than my humble and ready obedience to your Commands: For by your most honourable Incouragement, you at once have inspir'd me with Spirit, and with Invention; and without you my heart had fail'd me, and [Page] the fountain-head of my Animal Spirits had been dry. May the Lord keep you in his blessed Mercy.
THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE TO THE FOURTH BOOK.
GOOD People, God save and keep you: Where are you? I can [...]t see you; stay — I'll saddle my Nose with Spectacles—Oh, oh! 'twill be fair anon, I see you. Well, you have had a good Vintage, they say; this is [...] bad News to Frank you may swear; [...] have got an infallible Cure against Thirst, rarely perform'd of you, my Friends! You, your Wives, Children, Friends, and Families are in as good Case as heart can wish; 'tis well, ' [...] as I'd have it: God be praised for it, and if such be his will, may you long [...] so. For my part I am thereabout [...], [Page] thanks to his blessed Goodness; and by the means of a little Pantagruelism, (which you know is a certain Jollity of Mind pickled in the scorn of Fortune) you see me now Hale, and Cheery, as sound as a Bell, and ready to drink, if you will. Would you know why I'm thus, Good People? I'll e'en give you a positive answer—such [...]s the Lord's Will, which I obey and revere; it being said in his word, in great Derision to the Physician, neglectful of his own Health, Physician, heal thy self.
Galen had some knowledge of the Bible, and had convers'd with the Christians of his time, as appears Lib. 11. De Usu Partium; Lib. 2. de differentiis Pulsuum, cap. 3, and ibid. Lib. 3. cap. 2. and Lib. de rerum affectibus (if it be Galen's) Yet 'twas not for any such Veneration of Holy-Writ that he took Care of his own Health. No, 'twas for fear of being twitted with the saying so well known among Physicians.
This made him boldly say, that he did not desire to be esteem'd a Physician, if from his twenty eighth Year to his old Age he had not liv'd in perfect health, except some ephemerous * Fevers, of which he soon rid himself; Yet he was not naturally of the soundest Temper, his Stomach being evidently bad. Indeed, as he saith Lib. 5. de Sanitate tuendâ, that Physician will hardly be thought very carefull of the health of others, who neglects his own. Asclepiades boasted yet more than this; for he said that he had articled with Fortune not to be reputed a Physician, if he could be said to have been sick, since he began to practise Physic, to his latter Age, which he reach'd, lusty in all his Members, and Victorious over Fortune, till at last the Old Gentleman [Page] unluckily tumbled down from the Top of a certain ill-propt and rotten Stair-Case; and so there was an end of him.
If by some Disaster Health is fled from your Worships to the right or to the left, above or below, before or behind, within or without, far or near, on this side or t'other side, wheresoever it be, may you presently, with the help of the Lord meet with it; having found it, may you immediately claim it, seize it and secure it. The Law allows it; the King would have it so: nay you have my advice for't; neither more nor less than the Law-Makers of Old did fully impower a Master to claim and seize his run-away Servant whereever he might be found. Ods-bodikins, is it not written and warranted by the Ancient Customs of this so Noble, so rich, so flourishing Realm of France, That the Dead seizes the Quick? *That is, The Death of a Person gives a Right to his Heir to seize what he has left. See what has been Declar'd very lately in that Point by that Learned, Wise, Courteous, and Just Civiilan Andrè Tiraquell, one [Page] of the Judges in the most Honourable Court of Parliament at Paris. Heal [...] is our Life, as Antiphron the Sicyonian wisely has it, without Health Life is no Life, 'tis not living Life. [...]. Without Health Life is only a Languishment and an Image of Death. Therefore, you that want your Health, that is to say, that are Dead, Seize the Quick; secure Life to your selves, that is to say, Health.
I have this hope in the Lord, that he will hear our Supplications, considering with what Faith and Zeal we Pray▪ and that he will grant this our Wi [...]e, because 'tis moderate and mean. Medi [...] [...]rity was held by the ancient Sages to be Golden, that is to say, precious, prais'd by all Men, and pleasing in all Places. Read the Sacred Bible, you'll find, the Prayers of those who ask'd moderately were never unanswer'd. For example little dapper Zacheus, whose Body and Reliques the Monks of St. Garlick near Orleans boast of having, and nickname him St. Sylvanus: he only wish'd to see our Blessed Saviour near Jerusalem. 'Twas but a small Request, and no [Page] more than any Body then might pretend to. But alas! he was but low built, and one of so diminutive a Size among the Crowd could n't so much as get a Glimpse of him: well then he struts, stands on Tip-Toes, bustles and be-stiring his stumps, shoves and makes way, and with much adoe clambers up a Sycamor. Upon this, the Lord who knew his sincere Affection, presented himself to his sight, and was not only seen by him, bat heard also: Nay, what's more, he came to his House, and blest his Family.
One of the Sons of the Prophets in Israel felling VVood near the River Jordan, his Hatchet forsook the Helve and fell to the Bottom of the River; so he pray'd to have it again ('twas but a small Request, mark ye me,) and having a strong Faith, he did not throw the Hatchet after the Helve, as some Spirits of Contradiction say by way of scandalous Blunder, but the Helve after the Hatchet, as you all properly have it. Presently two great Miracles were seen, up springs the Hatchet from the Bottom of the Water, and fixes it [Page] self to its old acquaintance the Helve. Now had he wish'd to coach it to Heaven in a Fiery Chariot like Elias, to multiply in Seed like Abraham, be as rich as Job, strong as Sampson, and beautifull as Absalom, would he have obtain'd it, d'ye think? I' troth, my Friends, I question it very much.
Now I talk of moderate wishes in point of Hatchet (But hark'e me, be sure you don't forget when we ought to drink) I'll [...]ell you whats written among the Apologues of wise Aesop the Frenchman, I mean the Phrygian and Trojan, as Max. Planudes makes him; from which people, according to the most faithful Chroniclers the noble French are descended: Aelian writes that he was of Thrace, and Agathias after Herodotus, that he was of Samos; 'tis all one to Frank.
In his time liv'd a poor honest Country Fellow of Gravot, Tom Wellhung by Name, a VVood-cleaver by Trade, who in that low Drudgery made shift so so, to pick up a sorry Lively-hood. It happen'd that he lost his Hatchet. Now tell me who had ever more Cause to be [Page] vext than poor Tom? alas, his whole Estate and Life depended on his Hatchet; by his Hatchet he earn'd many a fair Penny of the best VVood-mongers or Log-Merchants, among whom he went a Jobbing; for want of his Hatchet he was like to starve, and had Death but met him six Days after without a Hatchet, the grim Fiend would have mow'd him down in the Twinkling of a Bed-staff. In this sad Case he began to be in a heavy Taking, and call'd upon Jupiter with most eloquent Prayers (for you know, Necessity was the Mother of Eloquence) with the Whites of his Eyes turn'd up towards Heaven, down on his Marrowbones, his arms rear'd high, his fingers stretched wide, and his head bare, the poor wretch without Ceasing was roaring out by way of Litany at every Repetition of his Supplications, my Hatchet, Lord Jupiter, [...]y Hatchet, my Hatchet; Only my Hatchet, O Jupiter, or money to buy another, and nothing else; alas, my poor hatchet!
Jupiter happen'd then to be holding a grand Council about certain urgent affairs, and old Gammer Cybele was [Page] just giving her opinion, or if you had rather have it so, it was Young Phoebus the Beau: but in short, Tom's Outcry and Lamentations were so loud that they were heard with no small amazement at the Council Board, by the whole Consistory of the Gods. What a Devil have we below, quoth Jupiter, that howls so horridly? By the Mud of Styx, have n't we had all along and have n't we here still enough to do to set to rights a world of damn'd puzzling Businesses of Consequence? We made an end of the Fray between Presthan King of Persia, and Soliman the Turkish Emperor; we have st [...]pp'd up the Passages between the Tartars and the Moscovites; answer'd the Xeriff's Petition, done the same to that of Golgots Rays; the State of Parma's dispatch'd, so is that of Maydemburg, that of Mirandola, and that of Africa, that Town on the Mediterranean which we call Aphrodisium; Tripoli by carelessness has got a new Master, her hour was come.
Here are the Gascons Cursing and damning, demanding the Restitution of their Bells.
[Page]In yonder Corner are the Saxons, Easterlings, Ostrogoths, and Germans, Nations formerly invincible, but now Aberkeids, Bridled, Curb'd and brought under by a Paultry Diminutive crippled Fellow; they ask us Revenge, Relief, Restitution of their former good Sence and Ancient Liberty.
But what shall we do with this same Ramus and this Galland with a Pox to 'em, who surrounded with a swarm of their Scullions, Blackguard, Ragamussins, Sizers, Vouchers and Stipulators, set together by the Ears, the whole University of Paris? I am in a sad quandary about it, and for the Heart's Blood of me can't tell yet with whom of the two to side.
Both seem to me notable Fellows, and as true Cods as ever piss'd; The one has Rose-Nobles, I say fine and weighty ones; the other would gladly have some too. The one knows something: the other's no Dunce. The one loves the better sort of men, the other's belov'd by 'em. The one is an old cunning Fox, the other with Tongue and Pen, Tooth and Nail falls foul on the [Page] ancient Orators and Philosophers, and barks at them like a Cur.
What think'st thou of it, say, thou bawdy Priapus? I have found thy Council just before now, Et habet tua mentula mentem.
King Jupiter, answer'd Priapus, standing up and taking off his C [...]wle, his Snout uncas'd and rear'd up, fiery and stifly propt, since you compare the one to a yelping snarling Cur, and the other to sly Reynard the Fox, my advice is with submission, that without fretting or puzling your Brains any farther about 'em, without any more a do you e'en serve 'em both as in the Days of [...]ore you did the Dog and the Fox. How? ask'd Jupiter, when? who were they? where was it? You have a rare Memory for ought I see, return'd Priapus! This right Worshipful Father Bacchus, whom we have here Nodding with his Crimson Phyz, to be reveng'd on the Thebans, had got a Fairy Fox, who what ever mischief he did, was never to be caught or wrong'd by any Beast that wore a Head.
[Page]The Noble Vulcan here present had fram'd a Dog of Monesian Brass, and with long Puffing and Blowing put the Spirit of Life into him: he gave it you, you gave it your Miss Europa, Miss Europa gave it Minos, Minos gave it Procris, Procris gave it Cephalus. He was also of the Fairy kind, so that like the Lawyers of our age, he was too hard for all other sorts of Creatures, nothing could scape the Dog: Now who should happen to meet but these two? What do you think they did? Dog by his Destiny was to take Fox, and Fox by his Fate was not to be taken.
The Case was brought before your Council; you protested that you would not act against the Fates; and the Fates were contradictory. In short, the End and Result of the matter was, that to reconcile two contradictions was an impossibility in Nature. The very Pang put you into a sweat, same Drops of which happ'ning to light on the Earth produced what the Mortals call Collyflowers. All our Noble Consistory for want of a Categorical Solution were seiz'd with such a horrid Thirst, that [Page] above seventy eight Hogsheads of Nectar were swill'd down at that sitting. At last you took my advice, and transmogriphy'd 'em into Stones, and immediately got rid of your Perplexity, and a Truce with Thirst was proclaim'd thro' this vast Olympus. This was the Year of flabby Cods, near Teumessus between Thebes and Chalcis.
After this manner, 'tis my Opinion that you should petrify this Dog and this Fox. The Metamorphosis will not be incongruous; For they both bear the name of Peter. And because, according to the Lymosin Proverb, To make an Oven's Mouth there must be three Stones, you may associate them with Master Peter du Coignet, whom you formerly petrified for the same Cause. Then those three dead Pieces shall be put in an equilateral Trigone, somewhere in the great Temple at Paris, in the middle of the Porch, if you will, there to perform the Office of Extinguishers, and with their Noses put out the lighted Candles, Torches, Tapers and Flambeaux; since while, they liv'd, they still lighted ballock-like [Page] the Fire of Faction, Division, Ballock Se [...]ls, and wrangling among those idle [...]earded [...]Boys, the Students. And this will be an everlasting Monument to show that those p [...]ny self-conceited Pedants, Ballock framers, were rather contemn'd than condemn'd by you. Dixi, I have said my Say.
You deal too kindly by them, said Jupiter, for ought I see, Monsieur Priapus. You don't use to be so kind to every Body, let me tell you: For as they seek to eternize their names, it would be much better for them to be thus chang'd into hard stones, than to return to Earth and putrefaction. But now to other Matters: Yonder behind us towards the Tuscan Sea, and the Neighbourhood of Mount Appennin, do you see what tragedies are stir'd up by certain topping Ecclesiastical Bullies? This hot [...]it will last its time, like the Limosins ovens, and then will be cool'd, but not so fast.
We shall have sport enough with it, but I foresee one inconveniency; for me thinks we have but little [Page] store of Thunder-Ammunition, since the time that you, my Fellow Gods, for your Pastime, lavish'd them away to bombard New Antioch, by my particular permission; as since, after your example, the stout Champions, who had undertaken to hold the Fortress of Dindenarois against all Comers, fairly wasted their Powder with shooting at Sparrows; and then, not having wherewith to defend themselves in time of need, valiantly surrendred to the Enemy, who were already packing up their Awls, full of madness and despair, and thought on nothing but a shameful Retreat. Take care this be remedied, Son Vulcan; Rouse up your drowsy Cyclopes, Asteropes, Brontes, Arges, Polyphemus, Steropes, Pyracmon, and so forth; set them at work, and make them drink as they ought.
Never spare liquor to such as are at hot work. Now let us dispatch this bawling fellow below; you Mercury, go see who it is? And know what he wants. Mercury lookt out at heaven's trap door, through which as I am told, they hear what's said here below; [Page] by the way, one might well enough mistake it for the scuttle of a Ship; tho Icaromenippus said it was like the mouth of a Well: The light-heel'd Deity saw that it [...] was honest Tom, who askt for his lost Hatchet; and accordingly he made his report to the Synod. By Jove, said Jupiter, we are finely hop'd up, as if we had now nothing else to do here but to restore lost hatchets. Well, he must then have it for all this, for so 'tis written in the Book of Fate, (Do you hear?) as well as if it was worth the whole Dutchy of Milan. The truth is, the fellow's Hatchet is as much to him as a Kingdom to a King. Come, come, let no more words be scattered about it, let him have his Hatchet again.
Now, Let us make an end of the difference betwixt the Levites and Molecatcher of Landerousse. Whereabouts were we? Priapus was standing in the chimney corner, and having heard what Mercury had reported, said in a most courteous and Jovial manner; King Jupiter, while by your order and [Page] particular favour, I was Garden-keeper general on Earth; I observed that this Word Hatchet is equivocal to many things: For it signifies a certain instrument, by the means of which Men fell and cleave Timber. It also signifies (at least I am sure it did formerly) a Female soundly and frequently Thumpthumpriggletickletwiddletoby'd: thus I perceiv'd that every Cock of the game us'd to call his Doxie his Hatchet, for with that same To [...] (this he said lugging out and exhibiting his nine inch Knocker) they so strongly and resolutely shove and drive in their h [...]lves, that the Females remain free from a fear Epidemical amongst their Sex, viz. that from the bottom of the Male's Belly the said Instrument should dangle at his heel for want of such Feminine props. And I remember, (for I have a Member, and a Memory too, [...]y, and a fine Memory large enough to fill a butter Firkin: I remember, I say, that one day of [...]ubilustre [ [...]orn Fair] at the Festivals of Good-man V [...]lcan in May, I heard Josquin De [...] prez, Olkegan, Hobreths, Agricola, Bru [...]el, [Page] Camelin, Vigoris, dela Fage, Bruyer, Prioris, Seguin, dela Rue, Midy, Mou [...]u, Mouton, Gascoigne, Loise [...], Compere, Penet, Fevin, Rouse [...], Richard Fort, Rousseau, Consilion, Constantio Festi, Jacquet, and▪ Bercan melodiously singing the following Catch on a pleasant green.
Nine Olympiads, and an Intercalary year after (I have a rare member, I would say memory, but I often make Blunders in the symbolisation and colligance of those two words) I heard Adrian Viellard, Gombert, [Page] Janequin Arcader, Claudin, Certon, Machicourt, Auxerre, Villiers, Sandrin, Sohier, Hesdin, Morales, Passereau, Maille, Maillart, Jacotin, Hurteur, Verdelot, Carpentras, l' Heriner, Cadeac, Doublet, Vermunt, Bouteiller, Lupi, Pagnier, Millet, Du Mollin, Alaire, Maraut, Morpin, Gendre, and other merry lovers of Musick, in a private Garden, under some fine shady trees round about a Bulwark of Flaggons, Gammons, Pasty's, with several Coated Quails, and lac'd Mutton waggishly singing.
Now would I know what kind of Hatchet this Bawling Tom wants? This threw all the Venerable Gods and Goddesses into a fit of Laughter [Page] like any microcosm of Flyes; and even set limping Vulcan a hopping and jumping smoothly three or four times for the sake of his Dear. Come, come, said Jupiter to Mercury, run down immediately, and cast at the poor Fellow's feet three Hatchets; his own, another of Gold, and a third of Massy Silver, all of one size: Then having left it to his will to take his choice, if he take his own, and be satisfyed with it, give him t'other two. If he take another chop his head off with his own, and henceforth serve me all those losers of hatchets after that manner. Having said this, Jupiter, with an awkward turn of his head, like a Jackanapes swallowing of Pills, made so dreadful a phyz, that all the Vast Olympus quak'd again. Heaven's Foot-Messenger, thanks to his low crown'd narrow brim'd Hat, and plume of Feathers, Heel-pieces, and running Stick with Pidgeon Wings, flings himself out at Heavens wicket thro the idle Desarts of the Air, and in a trice nimbly alights upon the Earth, [Page] and throws at Friend Tom's feet the three Hatchets; saying to him; th [...] hast baw [...]'d long enough to be a dry, thy Prayers and request are granted by Jupiter; see which of these three is thy Hatchet, and take it away with thee. Wellhung lifts up the Goulden Hatchet, peeps upon it, and finds it very heavy; then s [...]aring on Mercury, cryes Cods [...]o [...]ks this is none of mine; I won't ha't The same he did with the Silver one, and said, 'tis not this neither, you may e'en take them again. At last, he takes up his own Hatchet, examines the end of the Helve, and finds his mark there; then ravisht with Joy, like a Fox that meets some straggling Poultry, and sneering from the tip of the nose, he cryed by the mass, This is my Hatchet, Master God, if you will leave it me, I will sacrifice to you a very good and huge pot of Milk, brim full cover'd with fine Strawberryes next Ides of May.
Honest Fellow, said Mercury, I leave it thee, take it, and because thou hast wi [...]h [...] and chosen moderately, in [Page] [...]int of Hatchet, by Jupiter's com [...]d, I give thee these two others; [...] hast now wherewith to make thy self rich: Be honest▪ Honest Tom g [...]ve Mercury a whole Cartload of Thanks, and rever'd the most great Jupiter. His old Hatchet he fastens c [...]se to his Leathern girdle; and girds it above his Breech like Martin of Cambray: The two others, being more heavy, he lays on his Shoulder. Thus he plods on trudging over the Fields, keeping a good countenance amongst his Neighbours and follow Parishioners, with one merry saying or other after Patelin's way. The next day having put on a clean white Jacket, he takes on his back the two precious Hatchets, and comes to Chinon the famous City, noble City, ancient City, yea the first City, in the World, according to the Judgment and assertion of the most learned Massoreths. At Chinon he turned his silver Hatchet into fine Testons, Crown pieces and other white Cash; his golden Hatchet into fine Angels, curious Ducats substantial Ridders, Spank [...]rs, and R [...]s [...] Noble [...] ▪ [Page] Then with them purchases a good Number of Farms, Barns, Houses, Out-houses, Thatch-Houses, Stables, Meadows, Orchards, Fields, Vineyards, Woods, arable Lands, Pastures, Ponds, Mills, Gardens, Nurseries, Oxen, Cows, Sheep, Goats, Swine, Hogs, Asses, Horses, Hens, Cocks, Capons, Chickens, Geese, Ganders, Ducks, Drakes, and a World of all other necessaries, and in a sh [...]rt time became the richest Man in the Country, nay even richer than that limping S [...]rapegood Maulevrier. His Brother Bumpkins and the Yeomen and other Country-Puts thereabouts, perceiving his good Fortune, were not a little amaz'd, insomuch, that their former pity of poor Tom was soon chang'd into an Envy of his so great and unexpected Rise; and as they could not for their Souls devise how this came about, they made it their Business to pry up and down, and lay their Heads together, to inquire, seek and inform themselves by what means, in what place, on what day, what hour, how, why and wherefore he had come by this great Treasure.
[Page]At last, hearing it was by Losing his Hatchet, ha, ha! said they, was there no more to do, but to lose a Hatchet, to make us rich? Mum for that; 'tis as easie as pissing a Bed, and will cost but little; are then at this time the Revolutions of the Heavens, the Constellations of the Firmament, and Aspects of the Planets such, that whosoever shall lose a Hatchet, shall immediately grow rich? ha, ha, ha, by Jove, you shall e'en be lost, an't please you, my dear Hatchet. With this they all fairly lost their Hatchets out of hand. The Devil of one that had a Hatchet left; he was not his Mother's Son, that did not lose his Hatchet. No more was Wood fell'd or cleav'd in that Country thro want of Hatchets. Nay the Aesopian Apologue even saith, that certain petty Country Gents, of the lower Class, who had sold Wellhung their little Mill and little Field, to have wherewithal to make a Figure at the next Muster, having been told that this Treasure was come to him by that only means, sold the only Badge of their Gentility, their Swords, to purchase Hatchets to go lose them▪ as [Page] the silly Clodpates did, in hopes to g [...]i [...] [...] of C [...]i [...]k by that [...]ss.
You would have truly sworn they had [...] a parcel of your petty spiritual [...]rers, P [...]e-l [...]nd selling their All, and borrowing of others to buy store of Mandates a Pennyworth of a New made Pope.
Now they cry'd out and [...]ray'd and p [...]a [...]'d and [...]aw [...]'d and lamented and [...] Jupiter; my Hatchet! my Hatchet! Jupiter, my Hatchet, on this [...]de, my Hatchet, on that side my Hatchet, h [...], h [...], ho, ho, Jupiter, my Hatchet. The Air round about r [...]ng again with the Crys and Howlings of these rascally Losers of Hatchets.
Mercury was nimble in bringing them Hatchets; to each offering that which he had lost, another of Gold, and a third of Silver.
Every He still was for that of Gold, giving Thanks in abundance to the great Giver Jupiter; but in the very nick of time, that they bow'd and stoop'd to take it from the ground, whip, in a trice, Mercury [...]pp'd of [...] their heads, as Jupiter had commanded; and of Heads, [Page] thus cut off, the number was just equal to that of the lost Hatchets.
You see how it is now; you see how it goes with those who in the simplicity of their hearts wish and desire with Moderation, Take warning by this, all you greedy, fresh-water Shirks, who scorn to wish for any thing under Ten Thousand Pounds: And do not f [...]r the future run on impudently, as I have s [...]metimes heard you wishing, Would to God, I had now one hundred seventy eight Millions of Gold; Oh! how I should tickle it off? The Dewse on you, what more might a King, an Emperor, or a Pope wish for? For that reason, indeed, you see that after you have made such hopeful wishes, all the good that comes to you of it is the Itch or the Scab, and not a Cross in your Breeches to scare the Devil that tempts you to make these Wishes; no more than those two Mumpers, wishers after the Custom of Paris; one of whom only wish'd to have in good old Gold as much as hath been spent, bought and sold in Paris since it's first Foundations were laid, to this hour; all of it valued at the price, sale and rate [Page] of the dearest Year in all that space of Time. Do you think the Fellow was bashful? had he eaten sowre Plums unpeel'd? were his Teeth on edge, I pray you? The other wish'd Our Lady's Church brim full of steel Needles, from the flowr to the top of the roof, and to have as many Ducats as might be cram'd into as many bags as might be sow'd with each and every one of those Needles, till they were all either broke at the point or eye. This is to wish with a vengeance! What think you of it? What did they get by't, in your Opinion? Why, at night both my Gentlemen had kyb'd heels, a [...]etter in the Chin, a Churchyard Cough in the Lungs, a Catarrh in the Throat, a swinging Boyl at the Rump, and the Devil of one musty Crust of a brown George the poor Dogs had to scour their Grinders with▪ Wish therefore for Mediocrity, and it shall be given unto you, and over and above yet; that is to say, provided you bestir your selves manfully, and do your best in the mean time.
Ay, but say you, God might as soon have given me seventy eight thousand [Page] as the thirteenth part of one half; for he is Omnipotent, and a million of Gold is no more to him than one Farthing? Oh, ho, pray tell me who taught you to talk at this rate of the Power and Predestination of God, poor silly People? Peace, Tush, St, St, St, fall down before his sacred Face, and own the Nothingness of your Nothing.
Upon this, O ye that labour under the affliction of the Gout, I ground my hopes, firmly believing, that if so it pleases the Divine Goodness, you shall obtain Health; since you wish and ask for nothing else, at least for the present. Well, stay yet a little longer with half an Ounce of Patience.
The Genouese do not use, like you, to be satisfied with wishing Health alone, when after they have all the live long Morning been in a brown study, talk'd, ponder'd, ruminated, and resolv'd in their Counting-houses, of whom and how they may squeeze the Ready, and who by their Craft must be hook'd in, wheadled, bubl'd, sharp'd, overreach'd and chous'd, they go to the Exchange, and greet one another with [Page] a sanita & guadagno, Messer; health and gain to you, Sir. Health alone will not go down with the greedy Curmudgeons, they over and above must wis [...] for gain, with a Fox to 'em; ay and for the sine Crowns or scudi di guadagno; Whence, Heaven be praised, it happens many a time, that the silly Wishers and Woulders are baulk'd and get neither.
Now, my Lads, as you hope for good health, cough once aloud with Lungs of Leather; Take me off three swindging Bumpers; Prick up your Ears; and you shall hear me tell Wonders of the noble and good Pantagruel.
The Fourth BOOK OF PANTAGRƲEL.
CHAP. I. How Pantagruel went to Sea, to Visit the Oracle of Bacbuc, alias the Holy Bottle.
IN the Month of June, on Vesta's Holydays, the very numerical day on which Brutus, conquering Spain, taught its strutting Dons to truckle under him, and that niggardly Miser Crassus was routed and knock'd on the head by the Parthians, Pantagruel took his leave of the good Gargantua, his Royal Father. The old Gentleman, according to the laudable Custom of the Primitive Christians, devoutly pray'd for the happy Voyage of his Son and his whole Company, and then they took Shipping at the [Page 2] Port of Thalassa. Pantagruel had with him Panurge, Fryar Jhon des Entomeures, alias, of the Funnels, Epistemon, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, Carpalin, cum multis aliis, his ancient Servants and Domestics. Also Xenomanes, the great Traveller, who had cross'd so many dangerous Roads, Dikes, Ponds, Seas, and so forth, and was come sometime before, having been sent for by Panurge.
For certain good Causes and Considerations him thereunto moving, he had left with Gargantua and marked out, in his Great and Universal Hydrographical Chart, the Course which they were to steer to Visit the Oracle of the Holy Bottle, Bacbuc. The number of Ships was such as I described in the Third Book, Convoyed by a like number of Triremes, Men of War, Gallions and Feluccaes well Rigg'd, Caulkt, and Stor'd with a good quantity of Pantagruelion.
All the Officers, Droggermen, Pilots, Captains, Mates, Boatswains, Mid-Shipmen, Quarter-Masters and Sailers, met in the Thalamege, Pantagruel's principal Flag-Ship, which had in her Stern a huge large Bottle, half Silver well polish'd, the other Half Gold, Inamel'd with Carnation, whereby it was easie to guess that white and red were the colours of the Noble Travellers, and that they went for the Word of the Bottle.
On the Stern of the Second was a Lanthorn like those of the Antients, industriously [Page 3] made with Diaphanous Stone, implying that they were to pass by Lanternland. The Third Ship had for her Devise a fine deep China Ewre. The Fourth, a double handed Jar much like an ancient Urn. The Fifth, a famous Kin made of Sperm of Emerald. The Sixth, a Monk's Murnping Bottle made of the four Mettals together. The Seventh, an Ebony Funnel all imboss'd and wrought with Gold after the Tauchic manner. The Eighth, an Ivy Goblet very precious, inlaid with Gold. The Ninth, a Cup of fine Obriz Gold. The Tenth, a Tumbler of Aromatic Agaloch (you call it Lignum aloes) edg'd with Cyprian Gold, after the Azemine make. The Eleventh, a Golden Vine-Tub of Mozaic work. The Twelfth a Runlet of unpolish'd Gold, covered with a small Vine of large Indian Pearl of Topiarian work. Insomuch that there was no Man, however in the Dumps, musty, sower look'd, or Melanchollic he were, not even excepting that blubbering Whiner Heraclitus, had he been there▪ but, seeing this Noble Convoy of Ships and their Devises, must have been seized with present gladness of Heart, and smiling at the Conceit, have said that the Travellers were all honest Topers, true Pitcher-men, and have judged by a most sure Prognostication, That their Voyage both outward and homeward bound, would be performed in Mirth and perfect Health.
[Page 4]In the [...] where was the general [...], Pantag [...]l [...] a sh [...]r [...] but sweet Exhortation, w [...]ly [...]k'd with Au [...]o [...]is from [...] a N [...]igation; which [...] ving ended, with [...] Prayers were said in [...] of [...]ll the Burgh [...]s of [...], who had flock'd to the Mole to see [...] Shipping. After the Prayers, was melodiously sung a Psalm of the Holy Kings David, whi [...]h [...]gins, W [...]en Israel went out of Aeg [...]pt; and that being ended, Tables were plac'd upon D [...]k, and a Feast speedily serv'd up. The T [...]a [...]ssians who had also born a Chorus in the Psalm, caus'd store of belly-Timber to be brought out of their Houses. All drank to them, they drank to all; which was the cause that none of the whole Company gave up what they had eaten, nor were Sea-sick with a pain at the Head and Stomach, which inconveniency they could not so easily have prevented by drinking, for some time before, Salt water either alone or mixt with Wine, using Quinces, Citronpeel, Juice of Pomgranats, s [...]wrish Sweet-Meats, fasting a long time, covering their Stomachs with Paper; or following such other idle Remedies, as foolish Physicians prescribe to those that go to Sea.
Having often renewed their Tiplings, each Mother's Son retired on board his own Ship, and set Sail all so fast with a merry Gale at South East, to which point of the Compass [Page 5] the Chief Pilot James B [...]er by Name, had shap'd his Course, and fixt all things accordingly. For seeing that the Oracle of the Holy Bottle lay near Catay, in the upper India, his advice and that of Xe [...]manes also, was, not to steer the Course which the Portug [...]se use, while sayling through the T [...]rr [...] Z [...]ne ▪ and Cape Bona Speranza at the S [...]h point of [...]ck beyond the Equinoctial Line, and losing sight of the Northern Pole their Guide, they make a prodigious long Voyage; but rather to keep as near the Parallel of the said India as possible, and to tack to the Westard of the said Pole, so that winding under the North, they might find themselves in the Latitude of the Port of Olone without coming nearer it for fear of being shut up in the Frozen Sea; whereas following this Canonical Turn by the said Parallel, they must have that on the right to the Eastward, which at their departure was on their left.
This prov'd a much shorter Cut▪ for without Ship-wreck, Danger, or loss of Men, with uninterrupted good Weather, except one day near the Island of the Macre [...]ns, they perform'd in less than four Months the Voyage of Upper India, which the Portuguese, with a thousand Inconveniencies and innumerable Dangers, can hardly compleat in three Years. And it is my Opinion, with Submission to better Judgments, that this Course was perhaps steered by those Indians who Sail'd to [Page 6] Germany ▪ and were honourably received by the King of the Swedes, while Quintus Metel [...] Ce [...]er was Proconsul of the Gauls, as Cor [...] Nepos, Pomponius Mela, and Pliny after the [...] tell us.
CHAP. II. How Pantagruel bought many Rarities in the Island of Medamothy.
THat day and the two following, they neither discovered Land nor any thing new; for they had formerly Sailed that way; but on the fourth they made an Island called Medamothy, of a fine and delightful Prospect, by reason of the vast number of Light-Houses and high Marble Towers in its Circuit, which is not less than that of Canada. Pantagruel, enquiring who Govern'd there, heard that it was King Philophanes, absent at that time upon account of the Marriage of his Brother Philotheamon with the Infanta of the Kingdom of Engys.
Hearing this, he went ashoar in the Harbour, and while every Ship's Crew Water'd, pass'd his time in viewing divers Animals, Fishes, Birds, and other exotic and foreign Merchandises which were along the Walks of the Mole, and in the Markets of the Port. For it was the third day of the great and famous Fair of the Place, to which the chief Merchants of Africa and Asia resorted. Out of these Fryar Jhon bought him two rare Pictures, in one of which, the Face of a Man that [Page 8] brings in an Appeal, was drawn to the Life, and in the other, a Servant that wants a Master, with every needful Particular, Action, Countenance, Looks, Gate, Feature and D [...]portment, being an Original, by Master Charles Charmo [...]s, Principal Painter to King Megistus; and he paid for them in the Court Fashion, with Congé and Grimace. Panurge bought a large Picture copied and done from the Needle-Work formerly wrought by Pl [...] [...]mela, shewing to her Sister Progue how her Brother-in Law Tere [...]s had by force hansel [...]'d her Copy-hold, and then cut out her Tongue, that she might not (as Women will) tell tales. I vow and swear by the handle of my Paper Lanthorn, that it was a gallant, a mi [...]ific, nay a most admirable P [...]ce. Nor do you think, I pray you, that in it was the Picture of a Man playing the Beast with two Backs with a Female, this had been too silly and gross; no, no; 'twas another-guise thing, and much plainer. You may if you please, see it at Theleme on the left hand, as you go into the high Gallery. Epistem [...]n bought another wherein were painted to the Life, the Ideas of Plato and the At [...]ms of Epicurus. Rizotome purchased another, wherein Echo was drawn to the Life. Pantagruel caused to be bought by Gymnast, the Life and Deeds of Achilles in seventy eight pieces of Tapestry four Fathom long and three Fathom broad, all of Phrygian Silk imbo [...]s'd with Gold [Page 9] and Silver; the Work beginning at the Nuptials of Peleus and Thetis, continuing to the Birth of Achilles; his Youth described by Statius Papinius; his Warlike Atchievements celebrated by Homer; his Death and Exequies written by Ovid and Quintus Calaber; and ending at the appearance of his Ghost, and Polyxene's Sacrifice Rehearsed by Euripides.
He also caused to be bought three fine young Unicorns; one of them a Male of a Chesnut colour, and two grey dappled Females; also a Tarand whom he bought of a Scythian of the Geloni's Country.
A Tarand is an Animal as big as a Bullock, having a Head like a Stag, or a little bigger, two stately Horns with large Branches, cloven Feet, Hair long like that of a Furr'd Muscovite, I mean a Bear, and a Skin almost as hard as Steel Armor. The Scythian said that there are but few Tarands to be found in Scythia, because it varieth its colour according to the diversity of the places where it grazes and abides, and represents the colour of the Grass, Plants, Trees, Shrubs, Flowers, Meadows, Rocks, and generally of all things near which it comes. It hath this common with the Sea Pulp, or Polypus, with the Thoes, with the Wolves of India, and with the Chamaelion which is a kind of a Lizard so wonderful, that Democritus hath written a whole Book of its [Page 10] Figure, and Anatomy, as also of its Vi [...] and Propriety in Magick. This I can [...] firm, that I have seen it change its colour not only at the approach of things that have a colour, but by its own voluntary impulse, according to its fear or other affections: [...] for example, upon a green Carpet, I have seen it certainly become green; but having remain'd there some time, it turn'd yellow, blue, tann'd, and purple in course, in the same manner as you see a Turky Cock's Comb change colour according to its Passions. But what we found most surprizing in this Tarand, is, that not only its Face and Skin, but also its Hair could take whatever colour was about it. Near Panurge with his Kersy Coat, its Hair used to turn gray; near Pantagruel with his Scarlat Mantle, its Hair and Skin grew red; near the Pilot drest after the fashion of the Isiacs of Anubis in Aegypt, its Hair seem'd all white; which two colours the Chamaelion can't borrow.
When the Creature was free from any fear or affection, the colour of its Hair was just such as you see that of the Asses of Meung.
CHAP. III. How Pantagruel received a Letter from his Father Gargantua, and of the strange way to have speedy News from far distant places.
WHile Pantagruel was taken up with the Purchace of those foreign Animals, the noise of ten Guns and Culverins, together with a loud and joyful Cheer of all the Fleet was heard from the Mole. Pantagruel look'd towards the Haven, and perceived that this was occasioned by the Arrival of one of his Father Gargantua's Celoces, or Advice-Boat named the Chelidonia, because on the Stern of it, was Carv'd in Corinthian Brass a Sea Lark, which is a Fish as large as a Dare-fish of Loire, all Flesh and no Bone, with cartilaginous Wings (like a Batt's) very long and broad, by the means of which, I have seen them fly about three Fathom above Water about a Bow-shot. At Marseillis 'tis call'd Lendole. And indeed that Ship was as light as a Lark, so that it rather seem'd to fly on the Sea than to Sail. Mali [...]rn, Gargantua's Esq Carver, was come in her, being sent expresly by his Master to have an Account of his Son's Health and Circumstances, and to bring him Credentials. When M [...]corn had Saluted Pantagruel, before the [Page 12] Prince opened the Letters, the first thing he said to him, was, Have you here the Gozal, the Heavenly Messenger? Yes, Sir, said he, here it is swadled up in this Basket. It was a grey Pigeon taken out of Gargantua's Dove-House, whose youngones were just hatch'd when the Advice-Boat was going off.
If any ill Fortune had befallen Pantagruel, he would have fastened some black Ribbon to its Feet; but because all things had succeeded happily hitherto, having caus'd it to be undrest, he ty'd to its Feet a white Ribbon, and without any further delay, let it loose. The Pigeon presently flew away cutting the Air with an incredible speed, as you know that there is no flight like a Pigeon's, especially when it hath Eggs or Young Ones, through the extream care which Nature hath fixt in it to relieve, and be with its Young; insomuch, that in less than two hours it compass'd in the Air, the long Tract which the Advice Boat with all her diligence, with Oars and Sails, and a fair Wind, had gone through in no less than three Days and three Nights, and was seen (as it went into the Dove-House) in its Nest. Whereupon Gargantua hearing that it had the white Ribbon on, was joyful and secure of his Son's wellfare. This was the Custom of the Noble Gargantua and Pantagruel, when they would have speedy News of something of great Concern, as the event of some Battel either by Sea or Land; [Page 13] the Surrendring or Holding out of some strong Place; the determination of some difference of Moment; the safe or unhappy Delivery of some Queen or great Lady; the Death or Recovery of their sick Friends or Allies, and so forth. They used to take the Gozal, and had it carried from one to another by the Post, to the places whence they desir'd to have News. The Gozal bearing either a black or white Ribbon, according to the Occurrences and Accidents, us'd to remove their doubts at its return, making in the space of one hour, more way through the Air, than thirty Post-Boys could have done in one natural day. May not this be said to redeem and gain time with a vengeance, think you? For the like Service therefore, you may believe as a most true thing, that, in the Dove-Houses of their Farms, there were to be found all the year long, store of Pigeons hatching Eggs or rearing their young. Which may be easily done in Aviaries and Voleries, by the help of Saltpeter and the Sacred Herb Vervain.
The Gozal being let fly, Pantagruel perus'd his Father Gargantua's Letter, the Contents of which were as followeth.
THe Affection that naturally a Father bears a beloved Son, is so much encreased in me, [...] reflecting on the particular Gifts which by the Divine Goodness have been heaped on thee, that since [...] Departure, it hath often banished all other Thoughts out of my Mind; leaving my Heart wholly possess'd with fear, lest some misfo [...]tune has attended thy Voyage: for thou knowest that fear was ever the attendant of true and sincere Love. Now because (as H [...]od saith) A good beginning of any thing is the half of it; or, well beg [...]'s ha [...] done, according to the old saving; to free my Mind from this anxiety, I have exp [...]esly dispatched Malicorn, that he may give me a true account of thy Health at the beginning of thy Voyage. For if it be good, and such as I wish it, I shall easily foresee the rest.
I have met with some diverting Books, which the Bearer will deliver thee, thou mayst read them when thou want [...]st to unbend and ease thy Mind from thy better Studies: He will also give thee at large the News at Court. The Peace of the Lord be with thee. Remember me to Panurge, Fryer Jhon, Epistemon, Xenomanes, Gymnast, and thy other principal Domesticks. Dated at our Paternal Seat this 13th day of June. Thy Father and Friend,
CHAP. IV. How Pantagruel writ to his Father Gargantua, and sent him several Curiosities.
PAntagruel having perused the Letter, had a long Conference with the Esquire Mal [...], insomuch, that Panurge at last interrupting them, ask'd him, Pray, Sir, when do you design to drink? When shall we drink? When shall the Worshipful Esquire drink? What a Devil have you not talk'd long en [...]ugh to drink? 'Tis a good motion, answered Pantagruel, go, get us something ready at the next Inn; I think 'tis the Centaur. In the mean time he writ to Gargantua as followeth, to be sent by the aforesaid Esquire.
AS our Senses and Animal Faculties are more discompos'd at the News of Events unexpected, tho desir'd (even to an immediate dissolution of the Soul from the Body) than if those accidents had [...]en foreseen; so the coming of Malicorn hath much surprized and disordered me. For I had no hopes to see any of your Servants, or to [...]ear from you, before I had finished our Voyage, [Page 16] and contented my self with the dear remembrance of your August Majesty, deeply impress'd in the hindmost Ventricle of my Brain, often representing you to my Mind.
But since you have made me happy beyond expectation, by the perusal of your Graci [...]us Letter, and the Faith I have in your Esquire hath reviv'd my Spirits by the News of your wellfare; I am as it were compell'd to do what formerly I did freely, that is, first to praise the Blessed Redeemer, who by his Divine Goodness preserves you in this long enjoyment of perfect Health; then to return you eternal Thanks for the fervent Affection which you have for me your most humble Son and unprofitable Servant.
Formerly a Roman, named Furnius, said to Augustus who had received his Father into Favour, and Pardoned him after he had sided with Anthony, that by that Action the Emperor had reduc'd him to this extremity, That for want of power to be Grateful, both while he lived and after it, he should be obliged to be tax'd with Ingratitude: So I may say, That the excess of your Fatherly Affection, drives me into such a streight, that I shall be forced to li [...]e and die ungrateful; unless that Crime be redress [...]d by the Sentence of the Stoicks, who say, That there are three parts in a Benefit, the one of the Giver, the other of the Receiver, the third of the Remunerator; and that the Receiver rewards the Giver when he freely receives the Benefit, and always remembers it; [Page 17] as on the contrary, That Man is most ungrateful who despises and forgets a Benefit. Therefore, being overwhelmed with infinite Favours, all proceeding from your extream goodness, and on the other side wholly uncapable of making the smallest Return, I hope at least to free my self from the imputation of Ingratitude, since they can never be blotted out of my Mind; and my Tongue shall never cease to own, that, to thank you as I ought, transcends my Capacity.
As for us, I have this assurance in the Lord's Mercy and Help, that the end of our Voyage will be answerable to its beginning, and so it will be entirely performed in Health and Mirth. I will not fail to set down in a Journal a full Account of our Navigation, that at our return, you may have an exact Relation of the whole.
I have found here a Scythian Tarand, an Animal strange and wonderful for the variations of colour on its Skin and Hair, according to the distinction of neighbouring things: It is▪ a [...] tractable and easily kept as a Lamb; be pleased to accept of it.
I also send you three young Ʋnicorns, which are the tamest of Creatures.
I have confer'd with the Esquire, and taught him how they must be fed; these cannot graze on the Ground, by reason of the long Horn on their Fore-head, but are forced to brouze on Fruit-Trees, or on proper Racks, or to be fed by Hand with Herbs, Sheaves, Apples, Pears, Barly, [...]ye, and other Fruits, and Roots being plac'd before them.
[Page 18]I am amazed that Ancient Writers should report them to be so Wild, Furious and Dangerous, and never seen alive: far from it, you will find that they are the mild [...]st things in the World, provided they are not maliciously offended. Likewise, I send you the Life and Deeds of Achilles in curious Tapistry; assuring you that whatever Rarities of Animals, Plants, Birds, or precious Stones, and others, I shall be able to find and purchase in our Travels, shal be brought to you, God milling, whom I beseech by his blessed Grace, to preserve you. From Medamothy, this 16th of June. P [...]nurge, Fryar Jhon, Epist [...]mon, Xenomanes, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhiz [...] tome, and Carpalim, having most humbly kiss'd your Hand, return your Salute a thousand times. Your most Dutiful Son and Servant,
While Pantagruel was writing this Letter, Malicorn was made welcom by all with a thousand goodly Good-Morows and Howd [...]y's; they c [...]u [...]g about him so, that I cannot tell you how much they made of him, how many Humble Services, how many from my Love and to my Love were lent with him. Pantagruel having writ his Letters sat down at Table with him, and afterwards presented him with a large Chain of Gold weighing eight hundred Crowns; between [Page 19] whose Septenary Li [...]s, some large Diamonds, Rubies, Emeralds, Turky Stones, and Unions were alternatively set in. To each of his Bark's Crew, he ordered to be given five hundred Crowns. To Gargantua his Father, he sent the Tarand covered with a Cloth of Gold, br [...]caded with Sattin, and the Tapistry containing the Life and Deeds [...] Achilles, with the three Unicorns in [...]riz'd Clo [...]h of Go [...]d Trappings. And so th [...]y l [...]t Medamothy. Malicorn to return to Gargantu [...]; Pantagruel to proceed in his Voyage, during which, Epistemon read to him the [...]ks which the Esquire had brought: And because he found them jovial and pleasant, I shall give you an Account of them, i [...] you earnestly desire it.
CHAP. V. How Pantagruel met a Ship with Passengers returning from Lantern-Land.
ON the fifth day we began already to wind by little and little about the [...], going still farther from the Equinoctial [...] [Page 20] we discovered a Merchant Man to the Wind ward of us. The joy for this was not smal on both sides, in hopes to hear News from Sea, and those in the Merchant-Man from Land. So we bore upon 'em, and coming up with them, we Hal'd them, and finding them to be Frenchmen of Xaintonge, back'd our Sails and lay by to talk to them. Pantagruel heard that they came from Lantern-Land, which added to his joy, and that of the whole Fleet. We enquir'd about the State of that Country, and the way of living of the Lanterns, and were told, that about the latter end of the following July, was the time prefix'd for the meeting of the General Chapter of the Lanterns; and that if we arrived there at that time, as we might easily, we should see a Handsom, Honourable, and Jolly Company of Lanterns, and that great Preparations were making, as if they intended to Lanternise there to the purpose. We were told also, That if we touch'd at the great Kingdom of Gebarin, we should be Honourably received and Treated by the Sovereign of that Country, King Ohabé, who as well as all his Subjects, speaks T [...]urame French.
While we were listening to these News, Panurge fell out with one Dingdong a Drover o [...] Sheep-Merchant of Tailleb [...]urg. The occasion of the Fray was thus.
[Page 21]This same Dingdong seeing Panurge without a Codpiece, with his Spectacles fastened to his Cap, said to one of his Comrades, Prithee, look, is not there here a fine Medal of a Cuckold? Panurge by reason of his Spectacles, as you may well think, heard more plainly by half with his Ears than usually; which caused him (hearing this) to say to the sawcy Dealer in Mutton, in kind of a Pet;
How the Devil should I be one of the Hornified Fraternity, since I am not yet a Brother of the Marriage Noose, as thou art, as I guess by thy ill-favoured Phyz?
Yea verily, quoth the Grazier, I am Married, and would not be otherwise for all the pairs of Spectacles in Europe; nay, not for all the Magnifying Gim-Cracks in Africa; for I have got me the Cleverest, Prettiest, Handsomest, Properest, Neatest, Tightest, Honestest, and Soberest piece of Woman's Flesh for my Wife, that is in all the whole Country of Xaintonge, I'll say that for her, and a Fart for all the rest. I bring her home a fine and eleven inch long branch of Red Coral, for her Christmass-Box, what hast thou to do with it? What's that to thee? Who art thou? Whence comest thou, O dark Lanthorn of Antichrist? Answer if thou art of God? I ask thee, by the way of Question, said Panurge to him very seriously, if with the Consent and Countenance of all the Elements, I had Gingumbob'd, Codpiec'd, and [Page 22] Thumpthumpriggledtickledtwid [...]'d thy so Clever, so Pretty, so Handsom, so Proper, so Neat, so Tight, so Honest, and so Sober Female Importance, insomuch, that the Stiff Deity that has no fore-cast, Priapus, (who dwells here at Liberty, all Subjection of fastened Codpieces or Bolts, Bars, and Locks, Abdicated) remain'd sticking in her Natural Christmass-Box in such a lamentable manner, that it were never to come out, but Eternally should stick there, unless thou didst pull it out with thy Teeth; what wouldst thou do? Wouldst thou everlastingly leave it there, or wouldst thou pluck it out with thy Grinders? Answer me, O thou Ram of Mahomet, since thou art one of the Devil's Gang. I would, reply'd the Sheep-Monger, take thee such a woundy cut on this Spectacle-bearing Lug of thine, with my trusty Bilbo, as would smite thee dead as a Herring. Thus having taken Pepper in the Nose, he was lugging out Sword; but alas, Curs'd Cows have short Horns, it stuck in the Scabbard; as you know that at Sea, cold Iron will easily take rust, by reason of the excessive and Nitrous moistness. Panurge so smitten with Terror, that his Heart su [...]k down to his Midriff, scower'd off to Pantagruel for help: But Fryar Jhon laid hand on his slashing Scymiter that was new ground, and would certainly have dispatch'd Dingdong to rights, had not the Skipper and some of his Passengers beseech'd Pantagruel [Page 23] not to suffer such an out rage to be committed on Board his Ship. So the matter was made up, and Panurge and his Antagonist shak'd Fists, and drank in course to one another, in token of a perfect Reconciliation.
CHAP. VI. How the Fray being over, Panurge Cheapened one of Dingdong's Sheep.
THis Quarrel being hush'd, Panurge tipp'd the wink upon Epistemon and Friar Jhon, and taking them aside; Stand at some distance out of the way, said he, and take your share of the following Scene of Mirth; you shall have rare sport anon, if my Cake ben't Dough, and my Plot do but take. Then addressing himself to the Drover, he took off to him a Bumper of good Lantern Wine. The other pledg'd him briskly and courteously. This done, Panurge earnestly entreated him to sell him one of his Sheep: But the other answered him, Is it come to that, Friend and Neighbour, would you put tricks upon Travellers? Alas, how [Page 24] finely you love to play upon poor Folk! Nay, you seem a rare Chapman, that's the truth on't. Oh what a mighty Sheep-Merchant you are! In good faith you look liker one of the Diving Trade than a buyer of Sheep. Adzookers, what a Blessing it would be to have ones Purse well lin'd with Chink near your Worship at a Tripe-House when it begins to thaw! Humph, Humph, did not we know you well, you might serve one a slippery trick! Pray do but see, good People, what a mighty Conjurer the fellow would be reckon'd. Patience, said Panurge; but waving that, be so kind as to sell me one of your Sheep, come, how much? What do you mean, Master of mine, answered the other? They are long Wool Sheep, from these did Jason take his Golden Fleece. The Gold of the House of Burgundy was drawn from them. Zwoons, Man, they are Oriental Sheep, Topping Sheep, Fatted Sheep, Sheep of Quality. Be it so, said Panurge, but sell me one of them, I beseech you, and that for a cause, paying you ready Money upon the Nail, in good and lawful Occidental Currant Cash; wilt say how much? Friend, Neighbour, answered the Seller of Mutton, hark'e me a little, on the other Ear.
On which side you please; I hear you.
You are a going to Lantern-Land, they say.
Yea verily.
To See Fashions?
Even so.
And be Merry?
And be Merry.
Your Name is as I take it, Robin Mutton?
As you please for that, sweet Sir.
Nay, without offence.
So I would have it.
You are, as I take it, the King's Jester, are n't you?
Ay, ay, any thing.
Give me your Hand, — humph, humph, you go to see Fashions, you are the King's Jester, your Name is Robin Mutton! Do you see this same Ram? His Name too is Robin. Here Robin, Robin, Robin? Baea, Baea, Baea, hath he not a rare Voice?
Ay marry has he, a very fine and harmonious Voice.
Well, this bargain shall be made between you and me, Friend, and Neighbour, we will get a pair of Scales, then you Robin Mutton shall be put into one of them, and Tup Robin into the other. Now I'll hold you a Peck of Busch Oysters, that in Weight, Value, and Price, he shall outdo you, and you shall be found light in the very numerical manner, as when you shall be Hang'd and Suspended.
Patience, said Panurge, but you would do [Page 26] [...] your who [...]e Posterity, if you would Chaster with me for him, or some other of his Inferiors. I beg it of you; good your Worship, be so kind. Hark'e, Friend of mine, answered the other, with the Fleece of these your fine Roan Cloth is to be made, your Lemster superfine Wooll is mine A [...]se to't; meer Flock in comparison: Of their Skin the best Cordivant will be made, which shall be sold for Turky and Montel [...]mart, or for Spanish Leather at least. Of the Guts shall be made Fiddle and Harp Strings, that will sell as dear as if they came from Munican or Aquileia. What do you think on't, hah? If you please, sell me one of them, said Panurge, and I am yours for ever. Look, here's ready Cash. What's the Price? This he said, exhibiting his Purse stuffed with new Henricuses.
CHAP. VII. Which if you read, you'll find how Panurge bargain'd with Dingdong.
NEighbour, my friend, answer'd Dingdong, they are meat for none but Kings and Princes; their Flesh is so delicate, so Savory, and so dainty, that One would swear, it melted in the Mouth. I bring them out of a Country where the very Hogs, God be with us, live on nothing but mirabolans. The Sows in their Styes when they ly in, (saving the honour of this good Company) are fed only with Orange Flowers. But, said Panurge, drive a Bargain with me for one of them, and I will pay you for't like a King, upon the honest Word of a true Trojan: come come, what do you ask? Not so fast, Robin, answer'd the Trader, these Sheep are lineally descended from the very family of the Ram that wafted Phrixus and Helle over the Sea, since call'd the Hellespont. A Pox on't, said Panurge, you are Clericus vel addiscens! Ita is a Cabbage, and Verè a Leek, answered the Merchant. But rr, rrr, rrrr, rrrrr, hoh Robin, rr, rrrrrrr, you don't understand that Gibberish, do you? Now I think on't, over all the fields, where [Page 28] they piss, Corn grows as fast as if the Lord had piss'd there; they need neither be till'd, nor dung'd. Besides, Man, your Chymists extract the best Saltpeter in the World out of their Urin: nay with their very Dung (with reverence be it spoken,) the Doctors in our Country make Pills that cure seventy eight kinds of Diseases, the least of which is the Evil of St. Eutropius of Xaintes, from which good Lord deliver us! Now what do you think on't, Neighbour, my Friend? The truth is, they cost me money, that they do! Cost what they will, cry'd Panurge, trade with me for one of them, paying you well. Our friend, quoth the quack-like Sheep-man, do but mind the wonders of Nature that are found in those Animals, even in a member which one would think were of no use. Take me but these horns, and bray them a little with an Iron-pestle, or with an Andiron, which you please, 'tis all one to me; then bury them whereever you will, provided it be where the Sun may shine, and water them frequently; in a few months I [...]le engage you will have the best Asparagus in the World, not even excepting those of Ravenna. Now come and tell me whether the horns of you other Knights of the Bulls Feather, have such a virtue and wonderful propriety?
[Page 29]Patience, said Panurge. I don't know whether you be a Scholar or no, pursued Dingdong: I have seen a World of Scholars, I say great Scholars that were cuckolds, I'le assure you. But hark you me, if you were a Scholar, you should know that in the most inferiour members of those Animals (which are the feet,) there is a bone (which is the heel) the Astragalus, if you will have it so, wherewith, and with that of no other Creature breathing, except the Indian Ass, and the Dorcades of Libya, they us'd in old times to play at the Royal game of Dice, whereat Augustus the Emperour won above fifty thousand Crowns one Evening. Now such Cuckolds as you will be hang'd e're you get half so much at it. Patience, said Panurge, but let us dispatch. And when, my Friend and Neighbour, continu'd the canting Sheep-seller, shall I have duely prais'd the inward Members, the Shoulders, the Legs, the Knuckles, the Neck, the Breast, the Liver, the Spleen, the Tripes, the Kidneys, the Bladder, wherewith they make Foot-balls, the Ribs, which serve in Pigmy-land to make little Cross-bows to pelt the Cranes with Cherry-stones, the Head which with a little Brimstone serves to make a miraculous decoction to loosen and ease the belly of costive Dogs. A Turd on't, said the Skipper to his preaching Passinger, what [Page 30] a fidle fadle have we here? There is too long a Lecture by half, sell him one if thou wilt; if thou won't, don't let the Man lose more time. I hate a gibble gabble and a rimble ramble Talk, I am for a Man of Brevity. I will for your sake, reply'd the Holder-forth: but then he shall give me three Livers French Money for each, and pick and chuse. 'Tis a woundy Price, cry'd Panurge, in our Country I could have five, nay six for the Money; see that you do not overreach me, Master. You are not the first Man whom I have known, to have fallen, even sometime to the indangering, if not breaking of his own Neck, for endeavouring to rise all at once. A Murrain seize thee for a blockheaded Booby, cry'd the angry seller of Sheep; by the worthy vow of our Lady of Charroux: the worst in this Flock is four times better than those which the Coraxians in Tuitania, a Country of Spain, us'd to sell for a Gold Talent each; and how much dos'st thou think, thou Hyberinan Fool, that a Talent of Gold was worth? Sweet Sir, you fall into a Passion I see, return'd Panurge: Well hold, here is your Money. Panurge having paid his Money, chose him out of all the Flock a fine topping Ram, and as he was hawling it along crying out and bleating, all the rest hearing and bleating in Consort star'd, to see whither their brother-Ram [Page 31] should be carried. In the mean while the Drover was saying to his Shepherds: Ah! How well the Knave could chuse him out a Ram, the whoreson has skill in Cattle; on my honest Word I reserv'd that very piece of Flesh, for the Lord of Cancale, well knowing his disposition; for the good Man naturally is overjoy'd when he holds a good siz'd handsom shoulder of Mutton, in stead of a left-handed racket in one hand, with a good sharp Carver in the other; got wot how he belabours himself then.
CHAP. VIII. How Panurge caus'd Dingdong and his Sheep to be drowned in the Sea.
ON a Sudden, you would wonder how the thing was so soon done; for my Part I can't tell you, for I had not leisure to mind it; our friend Panurge without any further tittle tattle, throws you his Ram over board into the middle of the Sea bleating and making a sad noise. Upon this all the other Sheep in the Ship crying and bleating in the same tone, made all the hast they could to leap nimbly into the Sea one after another, and great was the throng who should leap in first after their Leader. It was impossible to hinder them; for you know that it is the Nature of Sheep always to follow the first, wheresoever it goes; which makes Aristotle lib. 9. de hist. animal. mark them for the most silly and foolish Animals in the World. Dingdong at his wit's End, and stark staring Mad like a Man who saw his Sheep destroy and drown themselves before his Face, strove to hinder and keep them back with might and main, but all in vain; they all one after t'other [Page 33] f [...]isk'd and jump'd into the Sea, and were lost: At last he laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the fleece upon the deck of the Ship, hoping to keep it back, and so to save that and the rest; but the Ram was so strong that it proved too hard for him, and carried its Master into the Herring-Pond, in spight of his Teeth; where 'tis supposed he drank somewhat more than his Fill: So that he was drowned, in the same manner, as one eyed Polyphemus's Sheep carried out of the Den Ʋlysses and his Companions: The like happen'd to the Shepherds and all their gang, some laying hold on their beloved Tup, this by the horns, t'other by the Legs, a third by the Rump, and others by the fleece; till in fine they were all of them forc'd to Sea, and drowned like so many Rats. Panurge on the gunnel of the Ship with an Oar in his hand, not to help them, you may swear, but to keep them from swimming to the Ship, and saving themselves from drowning, preach'd and canted to them all the while like any little Fryar Maillard, or another Fryar John Burgess, laying before them Rhetorical common places concerning the miseries of this Life, and the blessings and felicity of the next; assuring them that the Dead were much happier than the Living in this vale of misery, and promising to erect a stately Cenotaphe and Honorary Tomb to every [Page 34] one of them on the highest Summit of Mount Cenis at his return from Lantern land; wishing them nevertheless, in case they were not yet dispos'd to shake hands with this Life, and did not like their salt Liquor, they might have the good luck to meet with some kind Whale which might set them ashore safe and sound, on some bless'd Land of Gotham after a famous example.
The Ship being clear'd of Dingdong and his Tups: Is there ever another sheepish Soul left lurking on board, cryed Panurge? where are those of Toby Lamb, and Robin Ram that sleep whilst the rest are a feeding? Faith I can't tell my self. This was an old coaster's Trick: What think'st thou of it, Fryar Ihon; hah? Rarely perform'd, answer'd Fryar Ihon, only methinks that as formerly in War on the day of Battle, a double Pay was commonly promis'd the Soldiers for that Day; for if they overcame, there was enough to pay them; and if they lost, it would have been shameful for them to demand it, as the cowardly Foresters did after the Battle of Cerizoles: Likewise, my Friend, you ought not to have paid your Man, and the Mony▪ had been sav'd. A Fart for the Money, said Panurge, have I not had above fifty thousand pounds worth of sport? Come now, let's begon, the Wind is fair, hark you me, my Friend Ihon, Never did Man do me a good Turn but I return'd [Page 35] or at least acknowledg'd it: No, I scorn to be ungrateful, I never was, nor ever will be: Never did Man do me an ill one without rueing the Day that he did it, either in this World or the next. I am not yet so much a fool neither. Thou damn'st thy self like any old Devill, quoth Fryar Ihon, It it written Mihi vindictam, &c. matter of breviary, Mark ye me; that's holy stuffe.
CHAP. IX. How Pantagruel Arrived at the Island of Ennasin, and of the strange ways of being akin in that Country.
WE had still the Wind at South South West, and had been a whole day without making Land. On the third day at the Flyes up-rising, which, you know, is some two or three hours after the Sun's, we got sight of a Triangular Island very much like Sicily for its Form and Situation. It was called the Island of Alliances.
The People there are much like your Carrot-pated Poitevins, save only that all of them, Men, Women, and Children, have their Noses [Page 36] shap'd like an Ace of Clubs. For that reason the ancient Name of the Country was Ennasin. They were all akin, as the Mayor of the place told us, at least they boasted so.
You People of the other World, esteem it a wonderful thing, that, out of the Family of the Fabii at Rome, on a certain day, which was the 13th of February, at a certain Gate, which was the Porta Carmentalis, since nam'd Scelerata, formerly situated at the foot of the Capitol, between the Tarpeian Rock and the Tyber, March'd out against the Veientes of Etruria, three hundred and six Men bearing Arms, all related to each other, with five thousand other Soldiers every one of them their Vassals, who were all slain near the River Cremera that comes out of the Lake of Beccano. Now from this same Country of Ennasin in case of need, above three hundred thousand all Relations, and of one Family, might March out. Their degrees of Consanguinity and Alliance are very strange, for being thus akin and allied to one another, we found that none was either Father or Mother, Brother or Sister, Uncle or Aunt, Nephew or Neece, Son-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law, God-Father or God-Mother to the other, unless truly, a tall flat-nos'd old fellow, who, as I perceiv'd, call'd a little shitten-ars'd Girl of three or four years old, Father, and the Child call'd him Daughter.
[Page 37]Their distinction of degrees of Kindred was thus, a Man us'd to call a Woman my Lean Bit ▪ the Woman call'd him my Porpus. Those, said Fryar Jhon, must needs stink damnably of Fish, when they have rub'd their Bacon one with t'other. One smiling on a young bucksom Baggage, said, good morrow dear Curry-Comb: she to return him his Civility, said, the like to you my Steed. Hah! Hah! Hah! said Panurge, that's pretty well i'faith, for indeed it stands her in good stead to Curry-comb this Steed. Another greeted his Buttock with a farewel, my Case: she reply'd, adieu Tryal. By St. Winifred [...]s Placket, cry'd Gymnast, this Case has been often try'd. Another ask'd a she Friend of his, how is't, Hatchet? she answer'd him, at your service, dear Helve. Odds Belly, saith Carpalin, this Helve and this Hatchet are well march'd. As we went on, I saw one who, calling his she Relation, styl'd her my Crum, and she call'd him my Crust.
Quoth one to a brisk, plump, juicy Female, I am glad to see you, dear Tap: so am I to find you so merry, sweet Spiggot, reply'd she. One call'd a Wench his Shovel, she call'd him her Peal. One nam'd his, my Slipper, and she him, my Foot. Another my Boot, she my Shasoon.
In the same degree of Kindred, one call'd his, my Butter, she call'd him, my Eggs, and they were akin just like a dish of Butter'd Eggs. [Page 38] I heard one call his, my Tripe, and she him, my [...]ggot. Now I could not for the Hearts Blood of me pick out or discover what Parentage, Alliance, Affinity, or Consanguinity was between them, with reference to our Custom, only they told us, that she was Faggots Tripe. [Tripe de Faggot, means the smallest sticks in a Faggot.] Another Complementing his Convenient, said, yours, my Shell; she reply'd, I was yours before, sweet Oyster. I reckon, said Carpalim, she hath gutted his Oyster. Another long shank'd ugly Rogue mounted on a pair of high-heel'd Wooden Slippers, meeting a strapping, fusty squobb'd Dowdy, says he to her, how'st my Top? she was short upon him, and arrogantly reply'd, never the better for you, my Whip. By St. Anthony's Hog, said Xenomanes, I believe so, for how can this Whip be sufficient to lash this Top.
A College Professor well provided with Cod, and poudered and prink'd up, having a while discoursed with a great Lady, taking his leave, with these words, Thank you Sweet Meat; she cry'd, there needs no thanks, Sower Sauce. Saith Pantagruel, this is not altogether incongruous, for sweet Meat must have sower Sawce. A Wooden Loggerhead said to a young Wench, 'tis long since I saw you Bag, all the better, cry'd she, Pipe. Set 'em together, said Panurge, then blow in their Arses, 'twill be a Bag-pipe. We saw [Page 39] after that, a diminutive hump-back'd Gallant, pretty near us, taking leave of a she Relation of his, thus, Fare thee well, Friend Hole; she repartee'd, save thee, Friend Peg. Quoth Fryar Jhon, what could they say more, were he all Peg and she all Hole: But now would I give something to know if every Crany of the Hole can be stop'd up with that same Peg.
A baudy Batchelor talking with an old Trout, was saying, remember it, Rusty Gun. I won't fail, said she, Scowrer. Do you reckon these two to be akin, said Pantagruel to the Mayor? I rather take them to be Foes; in our Country a Woman would take this as a mortal affront. Good People of t'other World, reply'd the Mayor, you have few such and so near Relations as this Gun and Scowerer are to one another; for they both came out of one Shop. What, was the Shop their Mother, quoth Panurge? What Mother said the Mayor, does the Man mean? That must be some of your Worlds Affinity; we have here neither Father nor Mother: Your little paultry fellows that live on t'other side the Water, poor Rogues, Booted with wisps of Hay, may indeed have such, but we scorn it. The good Pantagruel stood gazing and listning, but at those words he had like to have lost all Patience; [...]. M.
Having very exactly viewed the Situation of the Island, and the way of living of the Ennased Nation, we went to take a Cup [Page 40] of the Creature at a Tavern where there happen'd to be a Wedding after the manner of the Country, bating that shocking Custom, there was special good Chear.
While we were there, a pleasant Match was struck up bewixt a Female call'd Pear (a tight thing as we thought, but by some who knew better things, said to be quaggy and flabby) and a young soft Male, call'd Cheese, somewhat sandy. In our Country indeed we say, Il ne fut one tel marriage, qu'est de la Poire & du Fremage, There's no Match like that made between the Pear and the Cheese; and in many other places good store of such Bargains have been driven. Besides, when the Women are at their last Prayers, 'tis to this day a noted saying, That after Cheese comes nothing.
In another Room I saw them marrying an old greasy Boot to a young pliable Buskin. Pantagruel was told, that young Buskin took old Boot to have and to hold, because she was of special Leather, in good case and wax'd, sear'd, liquor'd and greas'd to the purpose, even though it had been for the Fisherman that went to Bed with his Boots on. In another Room below I saw a young Brogue taking a young Slipper for better for worse: Which, they told us, was neither for the sake of her Piety, Parts, or Person, but for the fourth comprehensive P. Portion; the Spankers, Spur Royals, Rose-Nobles, and [Page 41] other Coriander Seed with which she was quilted all over.
CHAP. X. How Pantagruel went ashoar at the Island of Chely, where he saw King St. Panigon.
WE sail'd right before the Wind which we had at West, leaving those odd Alliancers with their Ace of Clubs Snouts, and having taken height by the Sun, stood in for Chely, a large Fruitful, Wealthy and well Peopled Island. King St. Panigon first of the Name Reign'd there, and attended by the Princes his Sons, and the Nobles of his Court, came as far as the Port to receive Pantagruel, and conducted him to his Palace, near the Gate of which, the Queen attended by the Princesses her Daughters and the Court Ladies received us. Panigon directed her and all her Retinue to salute Pantagruel and his Men with a Kiss; for such was the Civil Custom of the Country, and they were all fairly buss'd accordingly, except Fryar Jhon, who stept aside and sneak'd off among the King's Officers. Panigon us'd all the entreaties imaginable, to perswade Pantagruel to tarry there that day and the next, but he would needs be gone, and excus'd himself upon the opportunity of [Page 42] Wind and Weather, which being oftener desir'd than enjoy'd, ought not to be neglected when it comes. Panigon having heard these reasons, let us go, but first made us take off some five and twenty or thirty Bumpers each.
Pantagruel returning to the Port, miss'd Fryar Jhon, and ask'd why he was not with the rest of the Company? Panurge could not tell how to excuse him, and would have gone back to the Palace to call him, when Fryar Jhon overtook them, and merrily cry'd, Long live the Noble Panigon, as I love my Belly, he minds good Eating, and keeps a Noble House, and a dainty Kitchin; I have been there, Boys, every thing goes about by dozens, I was in good hopes to have stuffed my Puddings there like a Monk▪ What! always in a Kitchin, Friend? (said Pantagruel.) By the Belly of St. Cramcapon, quoth the Fryar, I understand the Customs and Ceremonies which are used there, much better than all the formal Stuff, antick Postures, and nonsensical Fidlefadle that must be us'd with those Women, magni, magna, Shittencumshita, Cringes, Grimaces, Scrapes, Bowes, and Congées; double Honours this way, tripple Salutes that way, the Embrace, the Grasp, the Squeese, the Hug, the Leer, the Smack, baso los manos de vostra merce, de vostra Maesta. You are most tarabin, taraba [...] ▪ Stront, that's down right Dutch, why all this [Page 43] ado? I don't say but a Man might be for a bit by the by and away, to be doing as well as his Neighbours; but this little nasty Cringing and Curtising made me as mad as any March Devil. You talk of kissing Ladies; by the Worthy and Sacred Frock I wear, I seldom venture upon't, lest I be serv'd as was the Lord of Guyercharcis. What was it? said Pantagruel, I know him; he is one of the best Friends I have.
He was invited to a Sumptuous Feast; said Fryar Jhon, by a Relation and Neighbour of his, together with all the Gentlemen and Ladies in the Neighbourhood. Now some of the latter, expecting his coming, drest the Pages in Womens Cloths, and finified them like any Babies, then order'd them to meet my Lord at his coming, near the Draw-bridge; so the Complementing Monsieur came, and there kiss'd the Petticoated Lads with great formality. At last the Ladies who minded passages in the Gallery, burst out with laughing, and made signs to the Pages to take off their dress; which the good Lord having observed, the Devil a bit he durst make up to the true Ladies to kiss them, but said, That since they had disguis'd the Pages, by his Great Grand-father's Helmet, these were certainly the very Foot-men and Grooms still more cunningly disguis'd. Ods Fish, da Jurand [...], why do not we rather remove our humanities into some good warm Kitchin [Page 44] of God, that Noble Laboratory? and there admire the turning of the Spits, the harmonious rattling of the Jacks and Fenders, criticise on the Position of the Lard, the temperature of the Potages, the preparation for the Dessert, and the order of the Wine Service? Beati Immaculati in via, matter of Breviary, my Masters.
CHAP. XI. Why Monks love to be in Kitchins.
THIS, said Epistemon, is spoke like a true Monk I mean like a right M [...]nking Monk, not a bemonk'd monastical Monkling. Truly you put me in mind of some passages that happen'd at Florence some twenty Years ago in a Company of studious Travellers, fond of visiting the Learned, and seeing the Antiquities of Italy, among whom I was. As we view'd the situation and beauty of Florence, the structure of the Dome, the Magnificence of the Churches, and Palaces, We strove to outdo one another in giving them their due; when a certain Monk of Amiens, Bernard Lardon by name, quite angry, scandaliz'd, and out of all [Page 45] Patience, told us, I don't know what the Devill you can find in this same Town, that's so much to be cry'd up; For my Part, I have look't and por'd and stared as well as the best of you, I think my Eye sight's as clear as another body's, and what can one see after all? There are fine Houses indeed, and that's all. But the Cage does not feed the Birds: God and Monsieur St. Bernard our good Patron be with us, in all this same Town I have not seen one poor Lane of roasting Cooks, and yet I have not a little look'd about, and sought for so necessary a part of a Commonwealth; Ay, and I dare assure you that I have pry'd up and down with the exactness of an Informer; as ready to number both to the right and left how many and on what side we might find most roasting Cooks, as a Spy would be to reckon the Bastions of a Town: Now at Amiens, in four, nay five times less ground than we have trod in our contemplations, I could have shown you above fourteen Streets of roasting Cooks, most ancient, Savoury, and Aromatic. I can't imagin what kind of pleasure you can have taken in gazing on the Lyons, and Africans (so methinks you call their Tigers) near the Belfrey, or in ogling the Porcupines and Estridges, in the Lord Philip Strozzi's Palace. Faith and Troth, I had rather see a good fat Goose at the Spit. [Page 46] This Porphyry, those Marbles are fine: I say nothing to the contrary, but our Cheescakes at Amiens are far better in my mind: These antient Statues are well made; I am willing to believe it; but by St. Ferreol of Abbeville, we have young Wenches in our Country which please me better a thousand times.
What is the reason, ask'd Fryar Ihon, that Monks are always to be found in Kitchins; and Kings, Emperours and Popes are never there? Is there not, said Rhizotome, some latent Vertue and specific propriety hid in the Kettles, and Pans, which as the Load-stone attracts Iron, draws the Monks there, and cannot attract Emperors, Popes, or Kings? or is it a natural induction and inclination [...], fix'd in the frocks and cowles, which of it self leads and forceth those good Religious Men into Kitchins, whether they will or no? He would speak of forms following matter, as Averr [...]es names them, answer'd Epistemon: Right, said Fryar Ihon.
I'll not offer to solve this problem, said Pantagruel; for it is somewhat ticklish, and you can hardly handle it without coming off scurvily, but I'll tell you what I have heard.
Antigonus King of Macedon one day coming into one of the Tents, where his Cooks use to dress his Meat, and finding there Poet Antagoras frying a Conger, and holding the pan himself, merrily ask'd him, [Page 47] Pray, Mr. Poet, was Homer frying Congers when he writ the Deeds of Agamemnon? Antagoras readily answer'd; But do you think, Sir, that when Agamemnon did them, he made it his business to know if any in his Camp were frying Congers? The King thought it an Indecency that a Poet should be thus a frying in a Kitchin; and the Poet let the King know that it was a more indecent thing for a King to be found in such a place: I'll clap another story upon the Neck of this, quoth Panurge, and will tell you what Briton Villandray answer'd one day to the Duke of Guise.
They were saying that at a certain Battle of King Francis against Charles the Fifth, Briton arm'd Capape to the Teeth, and mounted like St. George; yet sneack'd off, and play'd least in sight during the Ingagement. Blood and Oons, answer'd Briton, I was there and can prove it easily; nay, even where▪ you, my Lord, dar'd not have been. The Duke began to resent this as too rash and sawcy; But Briton easily appeas'd him, and set them all a laughing. I gad, my Lord quoth he, I kept out of harm's way; I was all the while with your Page Jack sculking in a certain place where you had not dar'd hide your head as I did. Thus discoursing they got to their Ships, and left the Island of Chely.
CHAP. XII How Pantagruel pass'd by the Land of Petifogging, and of the strange way of living among the Catchpoles.
STeering our course forwards the next day we pass'd by Pettifogging, a Country all blurr'd and blotted, so that I could hardly tell what to make on't. There we saw some Pettifoggers and Catchpoles, Rogues that will hang their Father for a Groat. They neither invited us to eat or drink, but with a multiplyed train of scrapes and cringes said they were all at our service, for the Legem pone.
One of our Droggermen related to Pantagruel their strange way of living, diametrically oppos'd to that of our modern Romans: for at Rome a world of Folks get an honest livelyhood by Poysoning, Drubbing, Lambasting, Stabbing and Murthering; but the Catchpoles earn theirs by being Thrash'd, so that if they were long without a tight Lambasting, the poor Dogs with their Wives and Children would be starv'd. This is just, quoth Panurge, like those who, as Galen tells us, cannot erect the Cavernous nerve [Page 49] towards the Equinoctial Circle, unless they are soundly flogg'd. By St. Patrick's Slipper, who ever should jirk me so, would soon in stead of setting me right, throw me off the Saddle, in the Devils Name.
The way is this, said the Interpreter, when a Monk, Levite, close fisted Usurer or Lawyer owes a grudge to some neighboring Gentleman, he sends to him one of those Catchpoles or Apparitors, who nabs, or at least cites him, serves a Writ or Warrant upon him; thumps, abuses and affronts him impudently by natural instinct, and according to his pious instructions; in so much that if the Gentleman hath but any guts in his Brains, and is not more Stupid than a Girin Frog, he will find himself oblig'd either to apply a faggot-stick or his sword to the Rascal's Jobbornol, give him the gentle lash, or make him cut a caper out at the Window by way of Correction. This done, Catchpole is rich for four Months at least, as if Bastinadoes were his real harvest; for the Monk, Levite, Usurer or Lawyer will reward him roundly, and my Gentleman must pay him such swindging damages, that his acres may bleed for't, and he be in danger of miserably rotting within a stone Doublet, as if he had struck the King.
Quoth Panurge, I know an excellent remedy against this; us'd by the Lord of Basché; what is it? said Pantagruel. The [Page 50] Lord of Basché, said Panurge, was a brave honest noble-spirited Gentleman, who at his return from the long war in which the Duke of Ferrara, with the help of the French, bravely defended himself against the fury of Pope Julius the II. was every day cited, warn'd and prosecuted at the Suit and for the Sport and Fancy of the fat Prior of St. Louant.
One morning as he was at breakfast with some of his Domestics (for he lov'd to be sometimes among them,) he sent for one Loir his Baker and his Spouse, and for one Oudart the Vicar of his Parish, who was also his Butler, as the custome was then in France; then said to them before his Gentleman and other Servants: You all see how I am daily plagu'd with these rascally Catchpoles, truly if you do not lend me your helping hand, I am finally resolv'd to leave the Country, and go fight for the Sultan, or the Devill, rather than be thus eternally tees'd. Therefore to be rid of their damn'd Visits, hereafter, when any of them come here, be ready you Baker and your Wife, to make your personal appearance in my great Hall in your wedding Cloaths, as if you were going to be affianc'd; here take these Ducats which I give you to keep you in a fitting Garb. As for you, Sir Oudart, be sure you make your personal appearance there in your fine Surplice and Stole, not forgetting your [Page 51] Holy Water, as if you were to wed them. Be you there also, Trudon, said he to his Drummer, with your Pipe and Taber. The form of Matrimony must be read, and the Bride kiss'd, then all of you, as the Witnesses use to do in this Country, shall give one another the remembrance of the Wedding, (which you know is to be a blow with your Fist, bidding the Partie struck remember the Nuptials by that token) this will but make you have the better Stomach to your Supper: But when you come to the Catchpole's turn, thrash him thrice and three fold, as you would a Sheaf of green Corn, don't spare him, maul him, drub him, lambast him, swinge him off, I pray you. Here take these Steel Gantlets covered with Kid, Head, Back, Belly, and Sides, give him blows innumerable; he that gives him most, shall be my best Friend. Fear not to be call'd to an account about it, I'll stand by you; for the blows must seem to be given in jest, as it is Customary among us at all Weddings.
Ay, but how shall we know the Catchpole, said the Man of God, all sorts of People daily resort to this Castle? I have taken care of that, reply'd the Lord. When some fellow either on foot or on a scurvy Jade, with a large broad Silver Ring on his Thumb comes to the door, he is certainly a Catchpole: The Porter having civilly let him in, shall ring the Bell, then be all ready, and come into the Hall, to act the Tragi-Comedy, [Page 52] whose Plot I have now laid for you.
That numerical day, as Chance would have it, came an old fat ruddy Catchpole; having knock'd at the Gate, and then piss'd, as most Men will do, the Porter soon found him out, by his large greasy Spatterdashes, his Jaded hollow flank'd Mare, his Bag full of Writs and Informations dangling at his Girdle, but above all, by the large Silver hoop on his left Thumb.
The Porter was civil to him, admitted him in kindly, and rung the Bell briskly. As soon as the Baker and his Wife heard it, they clapt on their best Clothes, and made their personal appearance in the Hall, keeping their Gravities like a new made Judge. The Domine put on his Surplice and Stole, and as he came out of his Office, met the Catchpole, had him in there, and made him suck his Face a good while, while the Gantlets were drawing on all hands, and then told him, you are come just in Pudding time, my Lord is in his right Cue; we shall feast like Kings anon, here's to be swindging doings, we have a Wedding in the House, here, drink and cheer up, pull away.
While these two were at it hand to fist, Basché, seeing all his People in the Hall in their proper Equipage, sends for the Vicar. Oudart comes with the Holy Water Pot, follow'd by the Catchpole, who as he came into the Hall, did not forget to make good [Page 53] store or aukward Cringes, and then serv'd Basché with a Writ. Basché gave him Grimace for Grimace, slipt an Angel into his Mutton Fist, and pray'd him to asist at the Contract and Ceremony. Which he did. When it was ended, Thumps and Fisticuffs began to fly about among the Assistants; but when it came to the Catchpole's turn, they all lay'd on him so unmercifully with their Gantlets, that they at last settled him, all stunn'd, and batter'd, bruis'd and mortify'd, with one of his Eyes black and blue, eight Ribs bruis'd, his Brisket sunk in, his Omoplates in four quarters, his under Jaw-bone in three pieces, and all this in jest and no harm done. God wot how the Levite belabour'd him, hiding within the long Sleeve of his Canonical Shirt, his huge Steel Gantlet lin'd with Ermin, for he was a strong built Ball, and an old Dog at Fisticuffs. The Catchpole all of a Bloody Tyger-like hue, with much ado, crawl'd home to l'Isle Bouchart, well pleas'd and edify'd however with Basché [...]s kind reception, and with the help of the good Surgeons of the place, liv'd as long as you'd have him. From that time to this not a word of the business; the memory of it was lost with the sound of the Bells that rung for Joy at his Funeral.
CHAP. XIII. How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of Basché commended his Servants.
THe Catchpole being pack'd off on blind Sorrel (so he call'd his one Ey'd Mare) Basché sent for his Lady, her Women and all his Servants into the Arbour of his Garden; had Wine brought, attended by good store of Pasties, Hams, Fruit, and other Table-Ammunition for a Nuncion, drank with them joyfully, and then told them this Story.
Master Francis Villon in his old Age, retir'd to St. Maixent in Poitou, under the Patronage of a good honest Abbot of the place. There to make sport for the Mob, he undertook to get the Passion acted after the way and in the Dialect of the Country. The parts being distributed, the Play having been rehears'd, and the Stage prepar'd, he told the Mayor and Aldermen, that the Mystery might be ready after Niort Fair, and that there only wanted Properties and necessaries, but chiefly Clothes fit for the parts; so the Mayor and his Brethren took care to get them.
Villon, to dress an old Clownish Father Grey Beard, who was to represent God the Father, [Page 55] begg'd of Fryar Stephen Tickletoby, Sacristan to the Franciscan Fryars of the place, to lend him a Cope and a Stole. Tickletoby refus'd him, alledging that by their Provincial Statutes, it was rigorously forbidden to give or lend any thing to Players▪ Villon reply'd, That the Statute reached no farther than Farces, Drolls, Anticks, loose and dissolute Games, and that he ask'd no more than what he had seen allow'd at Brussels and other places. Tickletoby, notwithstanding, peremptorily bid him provide himself elsewhere if he would, and not to hope for any thing out of his Monastical Wardrobe. Villon gave an account of this to the Players, as of a most abominable action, adding, that God would shortly revenge himself, and make an example of Tickletoby.
The Saturday following he had notice given him, that Tickletoby upon the Filly of the Convent (so they call a young Mare that was never leap'd yet) was gone a Mumping to St. Ligarius, and would be back about two in the afternoon. Knowing this, he made a Cavalcade of his Devils of the Passion through the Town. They were all rigg'd with Wolves, Calves, and Rams Skins, lac'd and trim'd with Sheeps Heads, Bulls Feathers, and large Kitchin Tenter-Hooks, girt with broad Leathern Girdles, whereat hang'd dangling huge Cow Bells and Horse Bells which made a horrid din. Some held in their [Page 56] Claws black Sticks full of Squibs and Crackers, others had long lighted pieces of wood, upon which at the corner of every street they flung whole handfuls of Rosin dust, that made a terrible fire and smoak: having thus led them about, to the great diversion of the Mob, and the dreadful fear of little Children, he finally carried them to an entertainment at a Summer-House without the Gate that leads to St. Ligarius.
As they came near the place, he spy'd Tickletoby afar off, coming home from Mumping, and told them in Maceronic Verse,
A Plague on his Fryarship (said the Devils then) the lowsy Beggar would not lend a poor Cope to the Fatherly Father, let us fright him. Well said, cry'd Villon; but let us hide our selves till he comes by, and then change home briskly with your Squibs and burning Sticks. Tickletoby being come to the place, they all rush'd on a sudden into the Road to meet him, and in a frightful manner threw fire from all sides upon him and his Filly Foal, ringing and tingling their Bells, and howling like so many real Devils, hho, hho, hho, hho, brrou, rrou, rrourrs, r [...]rourrs hoo, hou, hou, hho, hho, hhoi, Fryar Stephen, [Page 57] don't we play the Devils rarely? The Filly was soon scar'd out of her seven Senses, and began to start, to funk it, to squirt it, to trot it, to fart it, to bound it, to gallop it, to kick it, to spurn it, to calcitrate it, to winse it, to frisk it, to leap it, to curvet it, with double Jirks, and bum-motions; in so much that she threw down Tickletoby, tho' he held fast by the Tree of the Pack-Saddle with might and main: now his Straps and Stirrups were of Cord, and on the right side, his Sandal was so entangled and twisted, that he could not for the Hearts blood of him get out his foot. Thus he was dragg'd about by the Filly through the Road, scratching his bare Breech all the way, she still multiplying her kicks against him, and straying for fear, over Hedge and Ditch; in so much that she trepan'd his thick Skull so, that his Cockle Brains were dash'd out near the Osanna or High Cross. Then his Arms fell to pieces, one this way, and t'other that way, and even so were his Legs serv'd at the same time: Then she made a bloody havock with his Puddings, and being got to the Convent, brought back only his right Foot and twisted Sandal, leaving them to guess what was become of the rest.
Villon seeing that things had succeded as he intended, said to his Devils, you will Act rarely, Gentlemen Devils, you will Act rarely; I dare engage you'll top your Parts. I defie the Devils of Saumur, Douay, Montmorillon, [Page 58] Langez, St. Espain, Angers; nay, by Gad, even those of Poictiers, for all their bragging and vapouring, to match you.
Likewise, Friends, said Basché, I foresee, that hereafter you will act rarely this Tragical Farce, since the very first time you have so skilfully hamper'd, bethwack'd, belamm'd, and bebump'd the Catchpole. From this day I double your Wages. As for you, my Dear (said he to his Lady) make your Gratifications as you please; you are my Treasurer, you know. For my part, first and foremost, I drink to you all. Come on, box it about, 'tis good and cool. In the second place, you, Mr. Steward, take this Silver Bason, I give it you freely. Then, you, my Gentleman of the Horse, take these two Silver gilt Cups, and let not the Pages be Horse-whip'd these three Months. My Dear, let them have my best white Plumes of Feathers with the Gold Buckles to them. Sir Oudart, this Silver Flaggon falls to your share: this other I give to the Cooks. To the Valets de Chambre, I give this Silver Basket; to the Grooms this Silver gilt Boat; to the Porter these two Plates: to the Hostlers these ten Porringers. Trudon, take you these Silver Spoons and this Sugar-Box. You Footmen, take this large Salt. Serve me well, and I'll remember you. For on the word of a Gentleman, I had rather bear in War one hundred blows on my Helmet in the Service of [Page 59] my Country, than be once cited by these Knavish Catchpoles, meerly to humour this same gorbelly'd Prior.
CHAP. XIV. A further Account of [...] were drub'd at Basche's [...]
FOur days after, another young long-shank'd raw-bon'd Catchpole coming to serve Basché with a Writ at the fat Prior's request, was no sooner at the Gate, but the Porter smelt him out, and rung the Bell; at whose second pull, all the Family understood the Mystery. Loire was kneading his D [...]ugh, his Wife was sifting Meal; Oudart was toping in his Office; the Gentlemen were playing at Tennis; the Lord Basché at In and Out with my Lady; the Waitingmen and Gentlewomen at Push Pin: the Officers at Lanterlue, and the Pages at Hotcockles, giving one another smart bangs. They were all immediately inform'd that a Catchpole was Hous'd.
Upon this, Oudart put on his Sacerdotal, and Loire and his Wife their Nuptial Badges. Trudon Pip'd it, and then Taber'd it like mad, all made haste to get ready, not forgetting the Gantlets. Basché went into the outward Yard; there the Catchpole meeting him, fell [...]n his Marrowbones, beg'd of him not to [Page 60] take it ill, if he serv'd him with a Writ at the Suit of the fat Prior; and in a pathetic Speech, let him know that he was a publick person, a Servant to the Monking Tribe, Apparitor to the Abbatial Mytre, ready to do as much for him, nay, for the least of his Servants, whensoever he would imploy and use him.
Nay, truly, said the Lord, you shall not serve your Writ till you have tasted some of my good Quinquenays Wine and been a Witness to a Wedding which we are to have this very minute. Let him drink and refresh himself, added he, turning towards the Levitical Butler, and then bring him into the Hall. After which, Catchpole well stuffed and moisten'd, came with Oudart to the place where all the Actors in the Farce stood ready to begin. The sight of their Game set them a laughing, and the Messenger of mischief grinn'd also for Company's sake. Then the Mysterious words were mutter'd to and by the Couple, their Hands joyn'd, the Bride buss'd, and all besprinkled with Holy Water. While they were bringing Wine and Kickshaws, Thumps began to trot about by dozens. The Catchpole gave the Levite several blows. Oudart who had his Gantlet hid under his Canonical Shirt draws it on [...], and then [...] [...]ll on the [...] a Devil; [Page 61] the [...] Gantiers dropt on him likewise like so many battering Rams. Remember the Wedding by this, by that, by these blows, said they. In short they stroak'd him so to the purpose that he pist Blood out at Mouth, Nose, Ears, and Eyes, and was bruis'd, sore, batter'd, be bump'd, and crippled at the Back, Neck, Breast, Arms, and so forth. Never did the Batchelors at Avignon in Carnival time play more melodiously at Raphe, than was then play'd on the Catchpole's Microcosm: at last down he fell.
They threw a great deal of Wine on his Snout, ty'd round the Sleeve of his Doublet a fine yellow and green Favour, and got him upon his snotty Beast, and God knows how he got to l'Isle Bouchart, where I cannot truly tell you whether he was dress'd and look'd after or no both by his Spouse and the able Doctors of the Country, for the thing never came to my Ears.
The next day they had a third part to the same Tune, because it did not appear by the lean Catchpole's Bag, that he had serv'd his Writ. So the fat Prior sent a new Catchpole at the head of a brace of Bums for his Guard du Corps to Summon my Lord. The Porter ringing the Bell, the whole Family was overjoy'd, knowing that it was another Rogue. Basché was at Dinner with his Lady and the Gentlemen, so he sent for the Catchpole, made him sit by him, and the Bums [Page 62] by the Women, and made them eat till their Bellies crack'd with their Breeches unbutton'd. The Fruit being serv'd, the Catchpole arose from Table, and before the Bums cited Basché, Basché kindly ask'd him for a Copy of the Warant, which the other had got ready: He then takes Witness and a Copy of the Summons. To the Catchpole and his Bums he order'd four Ducats for Civility Money. In the mean time all were withdrawn for the Farce. So Trudon gave the Alarm with his Tabor. Basché desir'd the Catchpole to stay and see one of his Servants married, and witness the Contract of Marriage, paying him his Fee. The Catchpole slap dash was ready, took out his Ink-horn, got Paper immediately, and his Bums by him.
Then Loire came into the Hall at one door, and his Wife with the Gentlewomen at another in Nuptial Accoutrements. Oudart, in Pontifica [...]ibus takes them both by the hands, asketh them their will; giveth them the Matrimonial Blessing, and was very Liberal of Holy Water. The Contract Written, Sign'd, and Register'd, on one side was brought Wine and Comfits; on the other; White and Orange-tau [...]y-colour'd Favours were distributed; on another, Gantlets privately handed about.
CHAP. XV. How the Ancient Custom at Nuptials is renewed by the Catchpole.
THe Catchpole having made shift to get down a swindging Streaker of Briton Wine, said to Basché, Pray, Sir, what do you mean? You do not give one another the Memento of the Wedding. By St. Joseph's Wooden Shoe all good Customs are forgot. We find the Form, but the Hare's scamper'd; and the Nest, but the Birds are flown. There are no true Friends now-a-days. You see how in several Churches the Ancient Laudable Custom of Tippling on account of the blessed St. O. O. at Christmass is come to nothing. The World is in its Dotage, and Doomsday is certainly coming all so fast. Now come on; The Wedding, the Wedding, the Wedding, remember it by this. This he said, striking Basché and his Lady, then her Women and the Levite. Then the Tabor beat a point of War, and the Gantlets began to do their Duty, in so much that the Catchpole had his Crown crack'd in no less than nine places. One of the Burns had his right Arm put out of joynt, and the other his upper Jaw Bone or Mandibule dislocated; so that it hid half his Chin, with a Denudation of the Ʋvula [Page 64] and sad loss of the Molar, Masticatory and Canine Teeth. Then the Tabor beat a Retreat; the Gantlets were carefully hid in a trice, and sweet Meats afresh distributed to renew the Mirth of the Company. So they all drank to one another, and especially to the Catchpole and his Bums. But Oudart Curs'd and Damn'd the Wedding to the pit of Hell, complaining that one of the Bums had utterly disincornisistibulated his nether Shoulder blade. Nevertheless he scorn'd to be thought a Flincher, and made shift to tope to him on the square.
The Jawless Bum shrug'd up his Shoulders, joyn'd his Hands, and by signs beg'd his Pardon; for speak he could not. The sham Bridegroom made his moan, That the crippled Bum had struck him such a horrid thump with his Shoulder-of-Mutton-Fist on the nether Elbow, that he was grown quite esperruquanchuzelubelouzerireliced down to his very Heel, to the no small loss of Mistress Bride.
But what harm had poor I done (cry'd Trudon hiding his left Eye with his Kerchief, and shewing his Tabor crack'd on one side) they were not satisfied with thus poaching, black-and bluing, and morrambouzevezengouzequoquemorgasacbaquevezinemaffreliding my poor Eyes, but they have also broke my harmless Drum. Drums indued are commonly beaten at Weddings; [Page 65] (and 'tis sit they should) but Drummers are well entertain'd, and never beaten. Now let Belzebub e'en take the Drum to make his Devilship a Night-Cap. Brother, said the lame Catchpole, never fret thy self, I will make thee a present of a fine, large, old Patent which I have here in my Bag to patch up thy Drum, and for Madam St. Ann's sake I pray thee forgive us. By'r Lady of River, the blessed Dame, I meant no more harm than the Child unborn. One of the Querries who hopping and halting like a mumping Cripple, mimick'd the good limping Lord de la Roche Posay, directed his Discourse to the Bum with the pouting Jaw, and told him, What, Mr. Manhound, was it not enough thus to have morcrocastebezasteverestegrigeligoscopapopondrillated us all in our upper Members with your botch'd Mittens, but you must also apply such morderegripippiatabirofreluchamburelurecaquelurintimpaniments on our Shinbones with the hard tops and extremitie [...] of your cobbl'd Shoes? Do you call this Childrens play? By the Mass, 'tis no Jest. The Bum wringing his Hands, seemed to beg his Pardon, muttering with his Tongue, mon, mon, mon, vrelon, von, von, like a Dumb Man. The Bride crying laught, and laughing cry'd, because the Catchpole was not satisfy'd with drubbing her without choice or distinction of Members, but had also rudely rous'd and tous'd her; pull'd off her Topping, [Page 66] and not having the fear of her Husband before his Eyes, treacherously trepignemanpinillorifrizonoufresturfumbledtumbled and squees'd her lower parts. The Devil go with it, said Basché, there was much need indeed that this same Master King (this was the Catchpole's Name) should thus break my Wifes Back: however I forgive him now; these are little Nuptial Caresses. But this I plainly perceive, that he cited me like an Angel, and drubb'd me like a Devil. He hath something in him of Fryar Thumpwell. Come, for all this I must drink to him, and to you likewise his trusty Esquires. But said his Lady, why hath he been so very liberal of his manual kindness to me without the least provocation? I assure you, I by no means like it; but this I dare say for him, that he hath the hardest Knuckles that ever I felt on my Shoulders. The Steward held his left Arm in a Scarf, as if it had been rent and torn in twain: I think it was the Devil, said he, that mov'd me to assist at these Nuptials; shame on ill luck, I must-needs be meddling, with a Pox, and now see what I have got by the Bargain, both my Arms are wretchedly engoulevezinemassdandbruis'd. Do you call this a Wedding? By St. Briget's Tooth, I had rather be at that of a Tom T — d-Man; this is o'my word e'en just such another Feast as was that of the Lapithes, describ'd by the Philosopher of Samosate. One of the Bums [Page 67] had lost his Tongue. The two other, tho' they had more need to complain, made their excuse as well as they could, protesting that they hadt no ill design in this Dumbfounding; begging that for goodness sake they would forgive them, and so tho' they could hardly budge a foot, or wag along, away they crawl'd. About a mile from Basché's Seat, the Catchpole found himself somewhat out of sorts. The Bums got to l'Isle Bouchard, publickly saying, That since they were born, they had never seen an honester Gentleman than the Lord of Basché, or civiller People than his, and that they had never been at the like Wedding (which I verily believe) but that it was their own faults if they had been tickled off and toss'd about from Post to Pillar, since themselves had began the beating. So they liv'd I can't exactly tell you how many days after this. But from that time to this it was held for a certain truth, That Basché [...]s Money was more pestilential, mortal and pernicious to the Catchpoles and Bums, than were formerly the Aurum Thelosanum, and the Sejan Horse to those that possessed them. Ever since this, he lived quietly, and Basché's Wedding grew into a common Proverb.
CHAP. XVI. How Fryar Jhon made tryal of the Nature of the Catchpoles.
THis Story would seem pleasant enough, said Pantagruel, were we not to have always the fear of God before our Eyes. It had been better, said Epistemon, if those Gantle [...]s had fallen upon the fat Prior: Since he took a pleasure in spending his Mony partly to vex Basché ▪ partly to see those Catchpoles bang'd, good lusty thumps would have done well on his shav'd Crown, considering the horrid Concussions now-a days among those puny Judges. What harm had done those poor Devils the Catchpoles. This puts me in mind, said Pantagruel, of an ancient Roman named L. Neratius; he was of Noble Blood, and for some time was rich; but had this Tyrannical Inclination, that whenever he went out of doors, he caused his Servants to fill their Pockets with Gold and Silver, and meeting in the street your spruce Gallants and better sort of Beaux, without the least provocation, for his fancy he us'd to strike them hard on the Face with his Fist, and immediately after that, to appease them and hinder them from complaining to the Magistrates, he would give them as much Money as satisfied them acaccording [Page 69] to the Law of the twelve Tables. Thus he us'd to spend his Revenue, beating People for the price of his Money. By St. Bennet's Sacred Boot, quoth Fryar Jhon, I will know the truth of it presently.
This said, he went on shoar, put his hand in his Fob, and took out twenty Ducats, then said with a loud voice in the hearing of a shoal of the Nation of Catchpoles, Who will earn twenty Ducats, for being beaten like the Devil? Io, Io, Io, said they all; you will cripple us for ever, Sir, that's most certain, but the Money is tempting. With this they were all thronging who should be first, to be thus pretiously beaten. Fryar Jhon singl'd him out of the whole knot of these Rogues in grain, a red Snout Catchpole, who upon his right Thumb wore a thick broad Silver Hoop, wherein was set a good large Toadstone. He had no sooner pick'd him out from the rest, but I perceiv'd that they all mutter'd and grumbl'd, and I heard a young thin-jaw'd Catchpole, a notable Scholar, a pretty Fellow at his Pen, and, according to publick report, much cry'd up for his honesty at Doctors Commons, making his complaint, and muttering; because this same crimson Phyz carry'd away all the Practice, and that if there were but a score and a half of Bastinadoes to be got, he would certainly run away with eight and twenty of them. But all this was look'd upon to be nothing but meer Envy.
[Page 70]Fryar Jhon so unmercifully thrash'd, thump'd and belabour'd Red-Snout, Back and Belly, Sides, Legs and Arms, Head, Feet, and so forth, with the home & frequently repeated application of one of the best Members of a Faggot, that I took him to be a dead Man; then he gave him the twenty Ducats; which made the Dog get on his Legs, pleas'd like a little King, or two. The rest were saying to Fryar Jhon, Sir, Sir, Brother Devil, if it please you to do us the favour to beat some of us for less Money, we are all at your Devilship's command, Bags, Papers, Pens and all. Red-Snout cry'd out against them, saying with a loud voice: Body of me, you little Prigs, will you offer to take the Bread out of my Mouth? will you take my Bargain over my Head? Would you draw and inveigle from me my Clients and Customers? Take notice, I Summon you before the Official this day se'night; I will Law and Claw you like any old Devil, that I will. — Then turning himself towards Fryar Jhon, with a smiling and joyful look, he said to him, Reverend Father in the Devil, if you have found me a good Hide, and have a mind to divert your self once more, by beating your humble Servant, I will bate you half in half this time, rather than lose your Custom, do not spare me I beseech you; I am all, and more than all yours, good Mr. Devil, Head, Lungs, [Page 71] Tripes, Guts and Garbage, and that at a Penniworth I'll assure you. Fryar Jhon n'er heeded his proffers, but e'en left them. The other Catchpoles were making Addresses to Panurge, Epistemon, Gymnast, and others, entreating them charitably to bestow upon their Carcasses a small beating, for otherwise they were in danger of keeping a long Fast: but none of them had a Stomach to it. Sometime after, seeking fresh Water for the Ship's Company, we met a couple of old Female Catchpoles of the place, miserably howling and weeping in Consort. Pantagruel had kept on Board, and already had caus'd a Retreat to be sounded. Thinking they might be related to the Catchpole that was bastinado'd, We ask'd them the occasion of their grief. They reply'd, That they had too much cause to weep, for that very hour from an exalted Triple Tree, two of the honestest Gentlemen in Catchpoleland had been made to cut a Caper on nothing. Cut a Caper on nothing? said Gymnast, my Pages use to cut Capers on the Ground; to cut a Caper on nothing, should be hanging and choaking, or I am out. Ay, ay, said Fryar Jhon, you speak of it like St. John de la Palisse.
We ask'd them why they treated those worthy Persons with such a choaking Hempen Sallat? They told us they had only borrow'd, alias stol'n the Tools of the Mass, and hid them under the handle of the Parish. [Page 72] This is a very Allegorical way of speaking said Epistemon.
CHAP. XVII. How Pantagruel came to the Island of Tohu and Bohu, and of the strange death of Widenostrils the Swallower of Windmills.
THAT day Pantagruel came to the two Islands of Tohu and Bohu, where the Devill a bit we could find any thing to fry with. For, one Widenostrils, a huge Giant had swallowed every individual Pan, Skillet, Kettle, frying-Pan, dripping-Pan, and Brass and Iron Pot in the Land, for want of Windmils, which were his daily food. Whence it happen'd that somewhat before Day, about the hour of his digestion, the greedy Churle was taken very ill, with a kind of a Surfeit, or Crudity of stomach, occasion'd (as the Physicians said) by the weakness of the concocting faculty of his stomach, naturally dispos'd to digest whole Windmils at a gust, yet unable to consume perfectly the Pans and Skillets; though it had indeed pretty well digested the Kettles and Pots, as they said they kn [...]w by the [Page 73] Hypostases and Encoresmes of four Tubs of second hand Drink which he had evacuated, at two different times that morning. They made use of diverse remedies according to art, to give him ease: But all would not do, the Distemper prevail'd over the remedies, in so much that the famous Widenostrils dy'd that morning, of so strange a death, that I think you ought no longer to wonder at that of the Poet Aeschylus's. It had been foretold him by the Sooth-sayers, that he would dye on a certain Day, by the ruin of something that should fall on him; that fatal day being come in its Turn, he remov'd himself out of Town, far from all Houses, Trees, or any other things that can fall, and indanger by their ruin; and stay'd in a large field, trusting himself to the open Sky, there very secure as he thought, unless indeed the Sky should happen to fall, which he held to be impossible. Yet they say that the Larks are much afraid of it, for if it should fall, they must all be taken.
The Celix that once liv'd near the Rhine, (they are our noble valiant French) in ancient times were also afraid of the Sky's falling; for being ask'd by Alexander the great, what they fear'd most in this World, hoping well they would say that they fear'd none but him, considering his great Atchievements, they made answer, That they fear'd nothing but the Sky's falling; however not refusing to [Page 74] enter into a confederacy with so brave a King: If you believe Strabo Lib. 7. and Arrian Lib. 1.
Plutarch also in his book of the Face that appears on the body of the Moon, speaks of one Phoenaces who very much fear'd the Moon should fall on Earth, and pity'd those that live under that Planet, as the Aethiopians and Taprobanians, if so heavy a Mass ever happened to fall on them; and would have fear'd the like of Heaven and Earth, had they not been duely propt up and born by the Atlantic Pillars, as the ancients believ'd, according to Aristotles testimony Lib. 5. Metaphis. Notwithstanding all this, poor Aeschylus was kill'd by the fall of the shell of a Tortoise, which falling from betwixt the Claws of an Eagle high in the Air, just on his head, dash'd out his brains.
Neither ought you to wonder at the death of another Poet, I mean old Jolly Anacreon, who was choak'd with a grape-stone: nor at that of Fabius the Roman Praetor who was smothered with a single Goat's-hair as he was supping up a porringer of Milk. Nor at the death of that bashfull Fool who by holding in his Wind, and for want of letting out a Bumgunshot dy'd suddenly in the presence of the Emperor Claudius. Nor at that of the Italian buried on the Via Flaminia at Rome who in his Epitaph, complains that the bite of a she-Puss on his [Page 75] little Finger was the cause of his death Nor of that of Q. Lecanius Bassus, who dyed suddenly of so small a prick with a needle on his left thumb, that it could hardly be descern'd. Nor of Quenelault a Norman Physician who dy'd suddenly at Montpellier meerely for having sideways took a worm out of his hand with a Pen-knife. Nor of Philomenes, whose Servant having got him some new Figs, for the first course of his dinner, whilst he went to fetch wine, a straggling welhung Ass got into the House, and seeing the figs on the Table, without further invitation soberly fell to: Philomenes coming into the Room and nicely observing with what gravity the Ass eat its Dinner, said to his Man who was come back; since thou hast set figs here for this reverent Guest of ours to eat, methinks it's but reason thou also give him some of this Wine to drink. He had no sooner said this, but he was so excessively pleased, and fell into so exorbitant a fit of Laughter, that the use of his spleen took that of his breath utterly away, and he immediately dy'd. Nor of Spurius Saufeius, who dy'd supping up a soft Egg as he came out of a bath. Nor of him who, as Boccace tells us, dy'd suddenly by picking his grinders with a Sage-stalk. Nor of Philipot Placut, who being brisk and hale, fell dead as he was paying and old debt; which causes perhaps many not to pay theirs, [Page 76] for fear of the like accident. Nor of the Painter Zeuxis who kill'd himself with laughing at the sight of the Antick Jobbernol of an old hagg drawn by him. Nor in short of a thousand more of which Authors write, as Verrius, Pliny, Valerius, J. Baptista, Fulgosius, and Bacabery the elder. In short, Gaffer Widenostrils choak'd himself with eating a huge lump of fresh Butter at the mouth of a hot Oven, by the advice of Physicians.
They likewise told us there, that the King of Cullan in Bohu had routed the Grandees of King Mecloth, and made sad work with the Fortresses of Belima.
After this, we sail'd by the Islands of Nargues and Zargues; also by the Islands of Teleniabin and Geneliabin, very fine and fruitful in Ingredients for Clysters: and then by the islands of [...]nig and Evig, on whose account formerly the Landgrave of Hesse was swindg'd off with a vengeance.
CHAP. XVIII. How Pantagruel met with a great Storm at Sea.
THe next day we espied nine Sail that came spooning before the Wind; they were full of Dominicans, Jesuits, Capuchins, Hermits, Austins, Bernardins, Celestins, Theatins, Egnatins, Amadeans, Cordeliers, Carmelites, Minims, and the Devil and all of other holy Monks and Fryars, who were going to the Council of Chesil, to sift and garble some Articles of Faith against the new Hereticks; Panurge was overjoy'd to see them, being most certain of good luck, for that day and a long train of others. So, having courteously saluted the goodly Fathers, and recommended the salvation of his precious Soul to their Devout Prayers and private Ejaculations, he caus'd seventy eight dozen of Westphalia Hams, Unites of Pots of Caviar, Tens of Bolonia Sawsages, Hundreds of Botargoes, and Thousands of fine Angels, for the Souls of the dead, to be thrown on board their Ships. Pantagruel seem'd metagraboliz'd, dozing, out of sorts, and as melancholick as a Cat: Fryar Jhon who soon perceiv'd it, was enquiring of him whence should come this unusual sadness? When the Master, whose [Page 78] Watch it was, observing the fluttering of the Ancient above the Poop, and seeing that it began to overcast, judg'd that we should have Wind, therefore he bid the Boatswain call hands upon Deck, Officers, Sailers, Fore-Mast Men, Swabbers, and Cabbin-boys, and even the Passengers; made 'em first settle their Top-sails, take in their Spreet-sail; then he cry'd, in with your Top-sails, lower the Fore-sail, Tallow under the Parrels, brade up close all them Sails, strike your Top-Masts to the Cap, make all sure with your Sheeps-feet, Lash your Guns fast. All this was nimbly done. Immediately it blow'd a Storm, the Sea began to roar, and swell Mountain high: The Rut of the Sea was great, the Waves breaking upon our Ships Quarter, the North West Wind bluster'd and over-blow'd; boisterous gusts; dreadful clashings and deadly scuds of Wind whistled through our Yards, and made our Shrouds rattle again. The Thunder grumbled so horridly, that you would have thought Heaven had been tumbling about our Ears; at the same time it Lighten'd, Rain'd, Hail'd; the Sky lost its transparent hue, grew dusky, thick and gloomy, so that we had no other light than that of the Flashes of Lightning and rending of the Clouds: The Hurricans, Flaws and sudden Whirl-winds began to make a Flame about us by the Lightnings, Fiery Vapours, and other Aerial Ejaculations. [Page 76] Oh how our Looks were full of amazement and trouble, while the sawcy Winds did rudely lift up above us the Mountainous Waves of the Main. Believe me, it seem'd to us a lively Image of the Chaos, where Fire, Air, Sea, Land, and all the Elements were in a refractory confusion. Poor Panurge, having, with the full contents of the inside of his Doublet, plentifully fed the Fish, greedy enough of such odious Fare, sat on the Deck all in a heap, with his Nose and Arse together, most sadly cast down, moping and half dead; invok'd and call'd to his assistance all the Blessed he and she Saints he could muster up, swore and vow'd to Confess in time and place convenient, and then bawl'd out frightfully, Steward, Maistre d'Hostel, see hoe, my Friend, my Father, my Uncle, pr'ythee let's have a piece of Powder'd Beef or Pork, we shall drink but too much anon, for ought I see, eat little and drink the more shall hereafter be my Motto, I fear. Would to our dear Lord and to our blessed, worthy, and sacred Lady, I were now, I say, this very minute of an hour, well on shoar on Terra firma, hale and easie. O twice and thrice happy those that plant Cabbages! O Destinies, why did you not Spin me for a Cabbage Planter? O how few are they to whom Jupiter hath been so favourable as to Predestinate them to plant Cabbage! They have always one Foot on the ground, and the [Page 80] other not far from it. Dispute who will of Felicity, and summum bonum, for my part, whosoever plants Cabbage, is now by my Decree proclaim'd most happy; for as good a reason as the Philosopher Pyrrho being in the same danger, and seeing a Hog near the shoar eating some scatter'd Oats, declar'd it happy in two respects, first, because it had plenty of Oats, and besides that was on shoar. Hah, for a Divine and Princely Habitation, commend me to the Cows Floor.
Murther! This Wave will sweep us away, blessed Saviour! O my Friends! a little Vinegar. I sweat again with meer agony. Alas, the Misen Sail's split, the Gallery's wash'd away, the Masts are sprung, the Main Top Mast Head dives into the Sea; the Keel is up to the Sun; our Shrouds are almost all broke, and blown away. Alas! Alas! Where is our main Course? Ael is verlooren by Godt, our Top Mast is run adrift. Alas! Who shall have this Wreck? Friend, lend me here behind you one of these Wales. Your Lanthorn is fallen, my Lads. Alas! don't let go the main tack nor the Bowlin. I hear the Block crack, is it broke? For the Lord's sake, let us save the Hull, and let all the Rigging be damn'd. Be be be bous, bous, bous. Look to the Needle of your Compass, I beseech you, good Sir Astrophel, and tell us if you can whence comes this Storm, my Hearts's sunk down below my Midriff. By [Page 81] my troth I am in a sad fright; bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, I am lost for ever. I conskite my self for meer madness and fear. Bou, bou, bou, bou, O to to to to to ti. Bou, bou, bou, ou, ou, ou, bou bou, bous. I sink, I'm drown'd, I'm gone, good People, I'm drown'd.
CHAP. XIX. What Countenances Panurge and Fryar Jhon kept during the Storm.
PAntagruel having first implor'd the help of the Great and Almighty Deliverer, and pray'd publickly with fervent Devotion, by the Pilot's advice held titely the Mast of the Ship. Fryar Jhon had strip'd himself to his Wastcoat, to help the Seamen. Epistemon, Ponocrates, and the rest did as much. Panurge alone sate on his Breech upon Deck, weeping, and howling. Fryar Jhon espy'd him, going on the Quarter-Deck, and said to him: Odzoons, Panurge the Calf, Panurge the Whiner, Panurge the Brayer, would it not become thee much better to lend us here a helping hand, than to lie lowing like a Cow, as thou dost, sitting on thy Stones like a bald breech'd Baboon? Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, return'd Panurge, Fryar Jhon, my [Page 82] Friend, my good Father, I am drowning, my dear Friend! I drown; I am a dead Man, my dear Father in God, I am a dead Man, my Friend: your cutting Hanger cannot save me from this: Alas! Alas! We are above Ela. Above the pitch, out of Tune, and off the Hindges. Be, be, be, bou, bous. Alas we are now above G [...]sol re ut. I sink, I sink, hah my Father, my Uncle, my All. The water is got into my Shooes by the Collar; bous, bous, bous, paisch, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, I drown. Alas! Alas! Hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, be be bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Alas! Alas! Now am I like your Tumblers, my Feet stand higher than my Head: Would to Heaven I were now with those good, holy Fathers bound for the Council, whom we met this morning, so Godly, so Fat, so Merry, so Plump and Comely. Holos, holos, holas, alas, alas. This Devilish wave (mea culpa, Deus) I mean this wave of God will sink our Vessel. Alas, Fryar Jhon, my Father, my Friend, Confession, here I am down on my Knees, Confiteor; your holy Blessing. Come hither and be damn'd thou pitiful Devil and help us (said Fryar Jhon) who fell a swearing and cursing like a Tinker; in the name of thirty Legions of black Devils, come, will you come? Don't let us swear at this time, said Panurge, Holy Father, my Friend, don't swear I beseech you; to morrow a [...] [Page 83] much as you please. Holos, holos, alas, our Ship leaks. I drown, alas, alas, I will give eighteen hundred thousand Crowns to any one that will set me on shoar all beray'd, and bedawb'd as I am now, if ever there was a Man in my Country in the like pickle. Confiteor, alas! a word or two of Testament or Codicil at least. A thousand Devils seize the Cuckoldy Cow-hearted Mungril, cry'd Fryar Jhon; Ods Belly, art thou talking here of making thy Will, now we are in danger, and it behoveth us to bestir our stumps lustily, or never. Wilt thou come, ho Devil? Midship-man my Friend, O the rare Lieutenant, here Gymnast, here on the Poop. We are by the Mass, all beshit now, our Light is out. This is hastening to the Devil as fast as it can. — Alas, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, alas, said Panurge, was it here we were born to perish? Oh! hoh! Good People, I drown, I die. Consummatum est. I am sped— Magna, gna, gna, said Fryar Jhon. Fye upon him, how ugly the shitten howler looks. — Boy, Younker, see hoyh.— Mind the Pumps, or the Devil choak thee.— Hast thou hurt thy self? Zoons, here fasten it to one of these Blocks. On this side in the Devil's name, hay— so my Boy.— Ah Fryar Jhon, said Panurge, good Ghostly Father, dear Friend, don't let us swear, you sin. Oh ho, Oh ho, be be be bous, bous, bhous, I sink, I die, my Friends. [Page 84] I die in Charity with all the World. Farewell, In manus. Bohous bhous, bhousowwauwaus. St. Michael of Aure! St. Nicholas! now, now or never. I here make you a solemn Vow and to our Saviour, that if you stand by me but this time, I mean if you set me ashoar out of this danger, I will build you a fine large little Chappel or two between Cande and Monsoreau, where neither Cow nor Calf shall feed. Oh ho, Oh ho. Above eighteen Palefuls or two of it are got down my Gullet, bous, bhous, bhous, bhous, how damn'd bitter and Salt it is.— By the virtue (said Fryar Jhon) of the Blood, the Flesh, the Belly, the Head, if I hear thee again howling, thou Cuckoldly Cur, I'll maul thee worse than any Sea Wolf. Ods fish, why don't we take him up by the Lugs, and throw him over board to the bottom of the Sea? Here, Sailer, ho honest fellow. Thus, thus, my Friend, hold fast above.— In truth here is a sad Lightning and Thundering; I think that all the Devils are got loose, 'tis Holy-day with 'em, or else Madam Proserpine is in Child's labour, all the Devils dance a Morrice.
CHAP. XX. How the Pilots were forsaking their Ships in the greatest stress of Weather.
OH, said Panurge, you sin, Fryar Jhon, my former Crony, former, I say, for at this time I am no more, you are no more. It goes against my Heart to tell it you; for I believe this swearing doth your spleen a great deal of good; as it is a great ease to a Wood-Cleaver to cry hem, at every blow; and as one who plays at Nine Pins, is wonderfully help'd, if, when he hath not thrown his Bowl right, and is like to make a bad cast, some ingenious stander-by leans and screws his Body half way about, on that side which the Bowl should have took to hit the Pins. Nevertheless you offend, my sweet Friend. But what do you think of eating some kind of Cabirotadoes? Wouldn't this secure us from this Storm? I have read that the Ministers of the Gods Cabiri so much celebrated by Orpheus, Appollonius, Pherecides, Strabo, Pausanias, and Herodotus were always secure in time of Storm. He doats, he raves, the poor Devil, said Fryar Jhon. A thousand, a million, nay, a hundred millions of Devils seize the hornify'd Doddipole. Lend's a Hand [Page 86] here, hoh, Tiger, wouldst thou? Here on the Sturboard side; Ods me, thou Buffolo's-Head stuffed with Relicks, what Ape's Pater Noster art thou muttering and chattering here between thy Teeth? That Devil of a Sea Calf is the cause of all this Storm, and is the only Man who doth not lend a helping Hand. By G — if I come near thee, I'll fetch thee out by the Head and Ears with a vengeance, and chastise thee like any Tempestative Devil. Here M [...]e, my Lad, hold fast till I have made a double knot. O' brave Boy! Would to Heaven thou wert Abbot of Talemouze, and that he that is, were Guardian of Croullay. Hold Brother Ponocrates, you will hurt your self Man. Epistemon, pr'ythee stand off out of the Hatch-way. Methinks I saw the Thunder fall there but just now. Con the Ship, so ho — Mind your Steerage. Well said, thus, thus, steady, keep her thus, get the Long Boat clear.— Steady. Ods fish, the Beakhead is stav'd to pieces. Grumble, Devils, [...]ar [...], belch, shite a T—d o' the Wave. If this be Weather, the Devil's a Ram. Nay, by G— a little more would have wash'd me clear away into the Current. I think all the Legions of Devils hold here their Provincial Chapter, or are Polling, Canvasing and Wrangling for the Election of a new Rector.— Starboard; well said.— Take heed; have a care of your Noddle, Lad, in the Devil's Name. So ho, [Page 87] Starboard, Starboard. Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, cry'd Panurge, bous, bous, be, be, be, bous, bous, I am lost. I see neither Heaven nor Earth; of the four Elements we have here only Fire and Water left. Bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, bous. Would it were the pleasure of the worthy Divine Bounty, that I were at this present hour in the Close at Sevillé, or at Innocent's the Pastry-Cook, over against the painted Wine-Vault at Chinon, though I were to strip to my Doublet. And bake the petty Pasties my self.
Honest Man, could not you throw me ashoar, you can do a World of good things, they say. I give you all Salmigondinois, and my large Shore full of Whilks, Cockles and Periwinkles, if by your industry, I ever set Foot on firm ground. Alas, alas, I drown. Hark'ee, my Friends, since we cannot get safe into Port, let us come to an Anchor into some Road, no matter whither. Drop all your Anchors, let us be out of danger I beseech you. Here honest Tar get you into the Chains and heave the Lead, an' [...] please you. Let us how how many Fathom water we are in. Sound, Friend, in the Lord Harry's Name: Let us know, whether a Man might here drink easily without stooping. I am apt to believe One might. Helm a lee, hoh, cry'd the Pilot. Helm a lee, a Hand or two at the Helm, About Ships with her, Helm a lee, Helm a [Page 88] lee.— Stand off from the Leech of the Sail. — Hoh, Belay, here make fast below, hoh, Helm a lee, lash sure the Helm a lee, and let her drive. Is it come to that, said Pantagruel, our good Saviour then help us. Let her lie under the Sea, cry'd James Brahier, our chief Mate, let her drive. To Prayers, to Prayers, let all think on their Souls, and fall to Prayers; nor hope to sc [...]pe but by a Miracle. Let us, said Panurge, make some good pious kind of Vow, alas, alas, alas, bou, bou, be be be bous, bous, bous, Oho, Oho, Oho, Oho, let us make a Pilgrim; come, come, let every Man club his penny towards it, come on. Here, here, on this side, said Fryar Jhon in the Devil's name. Let her drive, for the Lord's sake unhang the Rudder, hoh, let her drive, let her drive, and let us drink, I say of the best and most cheering, d'ye hear, Steward, produce, exhibit, for d'ye see this, and all the rest will as well go to the Devil out of hand. A pox on that Wind-broaker Aeolus with his Flusterblusters, Sirrah, Page, bring me here my Drawer (for so he call'd his Breviary) stay a little here, hawl Friend, thus.— Odzoons here's a deal of Hail and Thunder to no purpose. Hold fast above, I pray you. When have we All-Saints day? I believe 'tis the unholy holy day of all the Devil's Crew. Alas, said Panurge, Fryar Jhon damns himself here as black as Buttermilk for the noance. Oh what a good Friend I [Page 89] lose in him. Alas, alas, this is anothergat [...] bout than last year's. We are falling out of Scylla into Charybdis. Oho! I drown. Confiteor, one poor word or two by way of Testament, Fryar Jhon my Ghostly Father, good Mr. Abstractor, my Crony, my Achates, Xenomanes, my All. Alas I drown, two words of Testament here upon this Ladder.
CHAP. XXI. A Continuation of the Storm, with a short Discourse on the Subject of making Testaments at Sea.
TO make ones last Will, said Epistemon, at this time that we ought to bestir our selves and help our Seamen, on the penalty of being drown'd, seems to me as idle and ridiculous a Maggot as that of some of Caesars's Men, who at their coming into the Gauls, were mightily busi'd in making Wills and Codicils, bemoan'd their Fortune, and the absence of their Spouses and Friends at Rome, when it was absolutely necessary for them to run to their Arms, and use their utmost strength against Ariovistus their Enemy.
This also is to be as silly, as that Jolt-headed Loblolly of a Carter, who, having laid his Waggon fast in a-Slough, down on his [Page 90] Marrow-bones, was calling on the strong-Back'd Deity Hercules, might and main, to help him at a dead lift, but all the while forgot to goad on his Oxen, and lay his. Shoulder to the Wheels, as it behoved him, as if a Lord have mercy upon us, alone, would have got his Cart out of the Mire.
What will it signifie to make your Will now? For either we shall come off, or drown for't. If we scape, it will not signifie a straw to us; for, Testaments are of no value, or Authority, but by the death of the Testators. If we are drown'd, will it not be drown'd too? Pr'ythee who will transmit it to the Executors? Some kind Wave will throw it ashoar, like Ʋlysses, reply'd Panurge, and some King's Daughter, going to fetch a Walk in the fresco on the Evening, will find it, and take care to have it prov'd and fulfil'd; Nay, and have some stately Cenotaph erected to my Memory, as Dido had to that of her good Man Sichaeus, Aeneas to Deiphobus upon the Trojan shoar near Rhoete; Andromache to Hector in the City of Buthrot; Aristotle to Hermias and Eubulus; the Athenians to the Poet Euripides; the Romans to Drusus in Germany, and to Alexander Severus their Emperor in the Gauls; Argentier to Callaischre, Xenocrates to Lisidices; Timares to his Son Teleutagoras; Eupolis and Aristodice to their Son Theotimus; Onestes to Timocles; Callimachus to Sopolis the Son of Dioclides, Catallus to his Brother; Statius to [Page 91] his Father; Germain of Brie to He [...]vé the Breton Tarpawlin. Art thou mad said Fryar Jhon, to run on at this rate? Help here, in the name of five hundred thousand millions of Cart-loads of Devils, help; may a Shanker gnaw thy Moustachio's, and three rows of Pock Royals and Colly-flowers cover thy Bum and Turd-barrel instead of Breeches and Codpiece. Codsooks, our Ship is almost overset. Ods death, how shall we clear her? 'Tis well if she don't founder. What a Devilish Sea there runs? She'll neither try, nor hull, the Sea will overtake her, so we shall never scape, the Devil scape me. Then Pantagruel was heard to make a sad Exclamation, saying with a loud voice; Lord save us, we perish: Yet not as we would have it, but thy holy Will be done. The Lord, and the Blessed Virgin be with us, said Panurge. Holos, alas, I drown, be be be bous, be bous, bous: In manus. Good Heaven, send me some Dolphin to carry me safe on shoar, like a pretty little Arion. I shall make shift to sound the Harp if it be not unstrung. Let nineteen Legions of black Devils seize me, said Fryar Jhon (the Lord be with us, whisper'd Panurge between his chattering Teeth) If I come down to thee, I'll shew thee to some purpose, that the Badge of thy Humanity dangles at a Calves Breech, thou ragged horn'd Cuckoldy Booby; mgna, mgnan, mgnan: Come hither and help us thou great weeping Calf or [Page 92] may thirty millions of Devils leap on thee; wilt thou come, Sea-Calf? Fye, how ugly the howling Whelp looks. What always the same Ditty? Come on now my bonny Drawer. This he said, opening his Breviary, come forward, thou and I must be somewhat serious for a while, let me peruse thee stifly. Beatus vir qui non abiit. Pshaw, I know all this by Heart, let's see the Legend of Monsieur St. Nicholas.
Tempest was a mighty flogger of Lads at Mountague College. If Pedants be damn'd for whipping poor little innocent wretches their Scholars, he is, upon my Honour, by this time fix'd within Ixion's Wheel lashing the croptear bobtail'd Cur that gives it motion. If they are sav'd for having whipp'd innocent Lads, he ought to be above the—
CHAP. XXII. An End of the Storm.
SHoar, Shoar, cry'd Pantagruel, Land to my Friends, I see Land, pluck up a good spirit, Boys, 'tis within a kenning, so we are not far from a Port.— I see the Sky clearing up, to the North-wards.— Look to the South-east! Courage my Hearts, said the Pilot, now she'll bear the hullock of a Sail, the Sea is much smoother, some hands aloft, to the main Top.— Put the Helm a weather. — Steady, Steady.— Hall your aftermisen bowlins.— Hawl, Hawl, Hawl.— Thus, Thus, and no near. Mind your Steerage, bring your main Tack aboard.— Clear your Sheats; Clear your bowlins; Port: Port. Helm a Lee.—Now, to the Sheat on the star-Board-side, thou Son of a Whore. Thou art mightily pleas'd, honest Fellow, quoth Fryar Ihon, with hearing him make mention of thy Mother▪ Loff, Loff, cry'd the Quarter-master that cun'd the Ship, keep her full, Loff the Helm. Loff, it is, answer'd the Steer-man; keep her thus. — Get the Bonnets fixt.— Steady, Steady.
That's well said, said Fryar Ihon, now this is something like a Tanzy. Come, Come, [Page 94] Come, Children be nimble.— Good.— Loff, Loff.— Thus. — helm a weather. That's well said and thought on. Methinks the Storm is almost over. It was high time, faith; however the Lord be thanked.— Our Devils begin to scamper▪ — Out with all your Sails.— Hoist your Sails.— Hoist.— That's spoke like a Man, Hoist, Hoist.— Here agod's name honest Ponocrates, thou'rt a lusty fornicator, the whore-Son, will get none but Boys. Eusthenes, thou art a notable Fellow. — Run up to the fore-top Saile. — Thus, Thus. — Well said, I faith, Thus, Thus. I dare not fear any thing all this while, for it is Holy-day. Vea, Vea, Vea! Husah! This shout of the Sea-men is not amiss, and pleases me, for it is Holy-day: Keep her full, Thus.— Good. Cheer up my merry Mates all, cry'd out Epistemon, I see already Castor on the Right. Be, Be, Bous, Bous, Bous, said Panurge, I am much afraid it is the Bitch Helen. 'Tis truly Mixarchagenas, return'd Epistemon, If thou likest better that denomination which the Argives give him. Ho, Ho! I see Land too; let her bear in with the Harbour, I see a good many People on the Beach: I see a light on an Obeliscolychny. Shorten your Sails, said the Pilot, fetch the sounding-Line, we must double that point of Land, and mind the Sands.— We are clear off them, said the Sailers. Soon after, away she goes, quoth [Page 95] the Pilot, and so doth the rest of our Fleet: Help came in good season.
By St. John, said Panurge, This is spoke somewhat like: O the sweet Word! There's the Soul of Musick in't: Mgna, Mgna, Mgna, said Fryar Ihon, If ever thou tast a drop on't, let the Devil's-Dam tast me thou Ballocky Devil. Here honest Soul, here's a full Sneacker of the very best. Bring the Flagons, Dost hear, Gymnast, and that same large Pasty Jambic, Gammonic, as you will have it. — Take heed you pilot her in Right.
Cheer, up cry'd out Pantagruel, Cheer up, my Boys: Let's be our selves again, do you see yonder close by our Ship, two Barks, three Sloops, five Ships, eight Pinks, four Yawls, and six Frigats, making towards us, sent by the good People of the neighbouring Island to our Relief. But who is this Ʋcalegon below, that cry's and makes such a sad moan. Were it not that I hold the Mast firmly with both my hands, and keep it streighter than two hundred tacklings.— I'd.— It is (said Fryar Ihon) that poor Devil Panurge, who is troubled with a Calf's ague; he quakes for fear when his belly's full. If, said Pantagruel, he hath been afraid during this dreadfull Hurricane, and dangerous Storm, provided (waving that) he hath done his part like a Man, I do not value him a Jot the less for it. For as to fear [Page 96] in all Encounters, is the mark of a heavy, and cowardly Heart, as Agamemnon did, who for that reason, is ignominiously tax'd by Achilles with having Dogs Eyes, and a Stags Heart; so, not to fear when the case is evidently dreadful, is a sign of want or smallness of apprehension.
Now if any thing ought to be feard, in this Life, next to offending God, I will not say it is death; I will not meddle with the disputes of Socrates and the Academics, that death of it self is neither bad nor to be fear'd: But I will affirm that this kind of death by. Shipwrack is to be fear'd or nothing is. For as Homer saith, it is a grievous, dreadfull, and an unnatural thing to perish at Sea. And indeed Aeneas, in the Storm that took his fleet neer Sicily, was griev'd that he had not dy'd by the hand of the brave Diomedes, and said that those were three nay four times happy who perish'd with Troy. No Man here hath lost his Life; the Lord our Saviour be eternally prais'd for it: But in truth here is a Ship sadly out of order. Well, we must take care to have the damage repair'd. Take heed we do not run a ground and billage her.
CHAP. XXIII. How Panurge play'd the Good Fellow when the Storm was over.
WHat Cheer ho? fore and aft? quoth Panurge, Oh ho! All is well, the Storm is over. I beseech ye, be so kind as to let me be the first that is set on shoar; for I would by all means a little untru [...]s a point.— Shall I help you still, here, let me see, I'll coyle this Rope; I have plenty of courage, and of fear as little as may be. Give it me yonder, honest Tar— No, no, I have not a bit of fear. Indeed that same Decumane Wave that took us fore and aft somewhat alter'd my Pulse. — Down with your Sails, well said, how now, Fryar Jhon, you do nothing? Is it time for us to drink now? Who can tell but St. Martin's running Footman Belzebuth may still be hatching us some further mischie [...]? Shall I come and help you again? Pork and Pease choak me, if I do not heartily repent, tho' too late, not having followed the Doctrine of the good Philosopher who tells us, That to walk by the Sea, and to navigate by the Shoar, are very safe and pleasant things; just as 'tis to go on foot when we hold our Horse by the Bridle. — Hah, hah, hah, by G — all goes well.— Shall I help you here too? [Page 98] Let me see, I'll do this as it should be, or the Devil's in't.
Epistemon (who had the inside of one of his Hands all fleea'd and bloody, having held a Tackling with might and main) hearing what Pantagruel had said, told him, You may believe my Lord, I had my share of fear, as well as Panurge, yet I spar'd no pains in lending my helping Hand. I consider'd, tha [...] since by fatal and unavoidable necessity, w [...] must all die, it is th [...] blessed Will of God th [...] we die this or that [...]ur, and this or that ki [...] of death; nevertheless we ought to implo [...], invoke, pray, beseech, and supplicate him; but yet we must not stop there; it behoveth us also to use our endeavours on our side▪ and, as the Holy Writ saith, to cooperate with him.
You know what C. Flaminius the Consul said, when by Hannibal's Policy he was penn'd up near the Lake of Peruse alias Thrasymene, Friends (said he to his Soldiers) you must not hope to get out of this place barely by Vows or Prayers to the Gods; no, 'tis by Fortitude and Strength we must escape, and cut our selves a way with the edge of our Swords, through the midst of our Enemies.
Salust likewise makes M. Portius Cato say this, The help of the Gods is not obtain'd by idle Vows, and Womanish Complaints; 'tis by Vigilance, Labour, and repeated Endeavours that all things succeed according to our Wishes and Designs.
[Page 99]If a Man in time of need and danger is negligent, heartless, and lazy, in vain he implores the Gods; they are then justly angry and incens'd against him. The Devil take me, said Fryar Jhon (I'll go his halves, quoth Panurge) if the Close of Sevillé had not been all gather'd, vintag'd, glean'd and destroy'd, if I had only sung Contra hostium insidias (matter of Breviary) like all the rest of the Monking Devils, and had not bestir'd my self to save the Vineyard as I did, dispatching the Truant Piccaroons of Lern [...] with the Staff of the Cross.
Let her sink or swim a Gods Name, said Panurge, all's one to Fryar Jhon, he doth nothing; his name is Fryar Jhon Doelittle; for all he sees me here a sweating and puffing to help with all my might this honest Tar first of the Name. — Hark you me, dear Soul, a word with you— but pray be not angry; how thick do you judge the Planks of our Ship to be? Some two good inches and upwards, return'd the Pilot, don't fear. Odskilderkins, said Panurge, it seems then we are within two Fingers breadth of Damnation. Is this one of the nine Comforts of Matrimony? Ah, dear Soul, you do well to measure the danger by the Yard of fear. For my part I have none on't, my name is William Dreadnought. As for Heart I have more than enough on't; I mean none of your Sheeps Heart; but of Wolfs Heart, the courage of a Bravoe; [Page 100] by the Pavilion of Mars, I fear nothing but danger.
CHAP. XXIV. How Panurge was said to have been afraid, without reason, during the Storm.
GOOD morrow, Gentlemen, said Panurge, Good morrow to you all, You are in very good health, thanks to Heaven, and your selves? You are all heartily well come, and in good time. Let us go on shoar— Here, Coxen, get the Ladder over the Gunnel, Man the sides, Man the pinnace, and get her by the Ships side.— Shall I yet lend you a hand here? I am stark mad for want of business, and would work like any two yoaks of Oxen. — Truly this is a fine Place, and these look like a very good People.— Children, do you want me still in any thing, do not spare the sweat of my Body, for godsake. Adam (that is man) was made to labour and work, as the Birds were made to fly, our Lord's Will is that we get our bread with the sweat of our brows, not idling and doing nothing like this tatterdemallion of a Monk [Page 101] here, this Fryar Jack, who is fain to drink to hearten himself up, and dyes for fear.— Rare weather.— I now find the answer of Anacharsis, the noble Philosopher, very proper; being ask'd what Ship he reckon'd the safest, he reply'd that which is in the Harbour: he made a yet better repartie, said Pantagruel, when some body inquiring which is greater, the number of the living, or that of the dead? He ask'd them amongst which of the two they reckon'd? those that are at Sea? ingeniously implying, that they are continually in danger of death, dying live, and living dye. Portius Cato also said that there were but three things of which he would repent; That is, if ever he had trusted his Wife with his secret, if he had idled away a day, and if he had ever gone by Sea, to a place which he could visit by Land. By this dignified Frock of mine, said Fryar Ihon to Panurge, Friend thou hast been afraid during the Storm, without cause or reason; for thou wert not born to be drowned, but rather to be hang'd, and exalted in the Air, or to be roasted in the midst of a jolly bonfire. My Lord, would you have a good Cloak for the Rain? Leave me off your Wolf and Badger-skin mantle: Let Panurge but be flead, and cover your self with his hide. But do not come near the Fire, nor near your Blacksmith's Forges a God's name, for in a moment you would see it in [Page 102] ashes. Yet be as long as you please in the Rain, Snow, Hail, nay, by the Devil's maker, throw your self or dive down to the very bottom of the Water, I'll ingage you'll not be wet at all. Have some winter Boots made of it, they'le never take in a drop of Water; make Bladders of it to lay under Boys, to teach them to swim, instead of Corks, and they will learn without the least danger. His Skin then, said Pantagruel should be like the herb called, true maidens Hair, which never takes wet nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though you lay it at the bottom of the Water as long as you please, and for that reason is call'd Adiantos.
Friend Panurge, said Fryar Ihon, I pray thee never be afraid of Water, thy life for mine, thou art threatn'd with a contrary Element. Ay, ay, reply'd Panurge, but the Devil's Cooks dote some times, and are apt to make horrid blunders as well as others, often putting to boyle in water what was design'd to be roasted on the fire, like the head Cooks of our Kitchin, who often lard Partridges, Queests and Stockdoves with intent to roast them, one wou'd think, but it happens sometimes, that they e'en turn the Partridges into the Pot to be boyl'd with Cabbages, the Queests with leek Porradge, and the Stockdoves with Turnips.
But hark you me, good Friends, I protest before this noble Company, that as for the [Page 103] Chappel which I vow'd to Monsieur St. Nicholas, between Cande, and Monsoreau, I honestly mean that it shall be a Chappel, alias a Lymbeck of Rosewater, which shall be where neither Cow nor Calf shall be fed, for between you and I I intend to throw it to the bottom of the Water. Here is a rare Rogue for yee, said Eusthenes; here's a pure Rogue, a Rogue in grain, a Rogue enough, a Rogue and a half. He is resolv'd to make good the Italian Proverb, Passato el pericolo è gabato el Santo.
CHAP. XXV. How after the Storm, Pantagruel went on Shore in the Islands of the Macreons.
IMmediately after, we went a shoar at the Port of an Island, which they call'd the Island of the Macreons; the good People of the place receiv'd us very honourably. An old Macrobius (so they call'd their eldest Elderman) desir'd Pantagruel to come to the [Page 104] Town-house to refresh himself, and eat something, but he would not budge a foot, from the Mole, till all his Men were landed. After he had seen them, he gave order they should all change Cloaths, and that some of all the Stores in the Fleet, should be brought on shoar that every ships Crew might live well, which was accordingly done; and God wot how they all top'd, and carrouz'd; the People of the place brought them Provisions in abundance The▪ Pantagrueliests return'd them more: As the truth is, their's were somewhat damag'd by the late Storm. When they had well stuffed the insides of their Doublets, Pantagruel desired every one to lend their help to repair the damage, which they readily did. It was easy enough to resit there; for all the inhabitants of the Island were Carpenters, and all such handicrafts as are seen in the Arsenale at Venice. None but the largest Island was inhabited, having three Ports, and ten Parishes; the rest being over-run with Wood, and desert, much like the Forest of Arden. We entreated the old Macrobius to shew us what was worth seeing in the Island, which he did; and in the desert and dark Forest, We discover'd several old ruined Temples, Obeliscs, Pyramids, Monuments, and ancient Tombs, with diverse Inscriptions, and Epitaphs, some of them in hieroglyphic Characters, others in the Gothic Dialect, some in the Arabic, Agarenian, SclaSclavonian [Page 105] and other Tongues: Of which Epistemon took an exact Account. In the interim Panurge said to Fryar Jhon, is this the Island of the Macreons? Macreon signifies in Greek an old Man, or one much stricken in years. What's that to me, said Fryar Jhon, how can I help it? I was not in the Country when they Christen'd it. Now I think on't, quoth Panurge, I believe the Name of Makerel [that's a Bawd in French] was deriv'd from it: for, procuring is the Province of the old, as Buttock-riggling is that of the young. Therefore I don't know but this may be the Bawdy or Mackrel Island, the original and Prototype of the Island of that name at Pa [...]s. Let's go and drudge for Cock-Oysters. Old Macrobius ask'd in the Ionick Tongue, how, and by what industry and labour Pantagruel got to their Port that day, there having been such blustering weather, and such a dreadful Storm at Sea. Pantagruel told him, that the Almighty preserver of mankind had regarded the Simplicity, and sincere Affection of his Servants, who did not travel for Gain or sordid Profit, the sole design of their Voyage being a studious desire to know, see, and visit the Oracle of Bacb [...], and take the word of the Bottle upon some difficulties offer'd by one of the Company; nevertheless this had not been without great Affliction, and evident danger of Shipwrack. After that, he ask'd him what he judg'd to be [Page 106] the cause of that terrible Tempest, and if the adjacent Seas were thus frequently subject to Storms, as in the Ocean are the Ratz of Sammaieu, Maumusson, and in the Mediterranean Sea the Gulph of Sataly, Montargentan, Piombino, Capo Melio in the Morea, the Streights of Gibraltar, Faro di Messina, and others.
CHAP. XXVI. How the good Macrobius gave us an Account of the Mansion, and decease of the Heroes.
THE good Macrobius then answer'd; Friendly strangers, this Island is one of the Sporades, not of your Sporades that lye in the Carpathian Sea, but one of the Sporades of the Ocean; in former times rich, frequented, wealthy, populous, full of Traffick, and in the Dominions of the Ruler of Britain: but now by Course of time, and in these latter Ages of the world, poor and desolate as you see. In this dark Forest above Seventy eight thousand Persian Leagues in Compass, is the dwelling place of the Daemons and Heroes, that are grown old, and we believe that some one of them dy'd Yesterday; since the Comet, which we saw [Page 107] for three days before together, shines no more: and now 'tis likely, that at his Death there arose this horrible Storm; for while they are alive all Happiness attends both this and the adjacent Islands, and a setled Calm end Serenity. At the Death of every one [...] them we commonly hear in the Forest [...]ud and mournful groans, and the whole [...]nd is infested with Pestilence, Earthquakes, laundations and other Calamities; the Air with Fogs and obscurity, and the Sea with Storms and Hurricanes. What you tell us, seems to me likely enough, said Pantagruel. For as a Torch or Candle, as long as it hath Life enough and is lighted, shines round about, disperses its Light, delights those that are near it, yields them its Service and Clear [...]ess, and never causes any pain or displeasure; but as soon as 'tis extinguished, its Smoak and Evaporation infects the Air, offends the By-standers, and is noisome to all; so, as long as those noble and renowned Souls [...]habit their Bodies, Peace, Profit, Pleasure, and Honour never leave the places where they abide; but as soon as they leave them, both the Continent and adjacent Islands are annoy'd with great Commotions; in the Air, Fogs, Darkness, Thunder, Hail, Tremblings, Pulsati [...]ns, Arietations of the Earth, Storms and Hurricanes at Sea, together with sad Com [...]aints amongst the People, Broaching of Re [...]ons, Changes in Governments, and Ruins of Commonwealths.
[Page 108]We had a sad instance of this lately, said Eustemon, at the Death of that valiant and learned Knight William du Bellay, during whose Life France enjoy'd so much Happiness, that all the rest of the world look'd upon it with Envy, sought Friendship with it, and stood in awe of its Power; but soon after his decease it hath for a considerable time been the Scorn of the rest of the world.
Thus, said Pantagruel, Anchises being dead at Drepany in Sicily, Aeneas was dreadfully tost and endanger'd by a Storm, and perhaps for the same reason Herod, that Tyrant and cruel King of Judea, finding himself near the Pangs of a horrid kind of Death, for he dy'd of a Phthiriasis, devour'd by Vermin and Lice; as before him dy'd L. Sylla, P [...]erecides the Syrian Preceptor, Pythagoras, the Greek Poet Alemaeon and others) and foreseeing that the Jews would make Bonfires at his Death, caus'd all the Nobles and Magistrates to be Summoned to his Seraglio out of all the Cities, Towns, and Castles of Judea, fraudulently pretending that he had some things of moment to impart to them. They made their personal Appearance; whereupon he caus'd them all to be shut up in the Hippodrome of the Seraglio; then said to his Sister Salome, and Alexander her Husband; I am certain that the Jews will rejoyce at my Death, but, if you will observe and perform what I will tell you, my Funeral shall be honourable, [Page 109] and there will be a general Mourning; As soon as you see me dead, let my Guards, to whom I have already given strict Commission to that purpose, kill all the Noblemen and Magistrates that are secur'd in the Hippodrome. By these means all Jewry shall in spight of themselves be oblig'd to mourn and lament, and Foreigners will imagine it to be for my Death, as if some Heroic Soul had left her Body. A desperate Tyrant wish'd as much, when he said; When I dye, let Earth and Fire be mix'd together, which was as good as to say, let the whole world perish: Which saying the Tyrant Nero alter'd, saying, While I live, as Suetonius affirms it. This detestable saying, of which Cicero lib. 3. de finib. and Seneca, lib. 2. de Clementia make mention, is ascrib'd to the Emperour Tiberius, by Dion Nicaus and Suidas.
CHAP. XXVII. Pantagruel's Discourse of the Decease of Heroic Souls; and of the dreadful Prodigies that happen'd before the Death of the late Lord de Langey.
I Would not, continu'd Pantagruel, have miss'd the Storm that hath thus disorder'd us were I also to have miss'd the relation of these thing told us by this good Macrobius. Neither am [...] unwilling to believe what he said of a Co [...] that appears in the Sky some days before such a Decease. For some of those Souls are so Noble, so Pretious, and so Heroic, that Heaven gives us notice of their departing, some days before it happens. And as a Prudent Physician seeing by some Symptoms that his Patient draws towards his end, some days before, gives notice of it to his Wife, Children, Kindred, and Friends, that, in that little time he hath yet to live, they may admonish him to settle all things in his Family, to tutor and instruct his Children as much as he can, recommend his Relict to his Friends, in her Widowhood, declare what he knows to be necessary about a Provision for the Orphans, that he may not [Page 111] be surpris'd by Death without making his Will, and may take care of his Soul and Family; In the same manner the Heavens, as it were, joyful for the approaching reception of those blessed Souls, seem to make Bonfires by those Comets and blazing Meteors, which they at the same time kindly design should Prognosticate to us here, that in few days one of those venerable Souls is to leave her Body, and this Terrestrial Globe. Not altogether unlike this was what was formerly done at Athens by the Judges of the Are [...] pagus. For when they gave their Verdict to cast or clear the Culprits that were try'd before them, they us'd certain notes according to the substance of the Sentences; by Θ. signifying Condemnation to Death; by T. Absolution; by A. Ampliation or a Demur, when the case was not sufficiently examin'd. Thus having publickly set up those Letters, they eas'd the Relations and Friends of the Prisoners, and such others as desir'd to know their Doom, of their doubts. Likewise by these Comets, as in etherial Characters, the Heavens silently say to us, Make haste, Mortals, if you would know or learn of these blessed Souls any thing concerning the publick good, or your private Interest; for, their Catastrophe is near, which being past, you will vainly wish for them afterwards.
[Page 112]The good natur'd Heavens still do more; and, that Mankind may be declar'd unworthy of the injoyment of those Renown'd Souls, they fright and astonish us with Prodigies, Monsters, and other foreboding Signs, that thwart the Order of Nature.
Of this we had an instance several days before the decease of the Heroick Soul of the Learned and Valiant Chevalier de Langey, of whom you have already spoken. I remember it, said Epistemon, and my Heart still trembles within me, when I think on the many dreadful Prodigies that we saw five or six days before he dy'd. For the Lords of D'ass [...], C [...]emant, one-ey'd Mailly, St. Ayl, Villeneu [...]ue-la Guyart, Master Gabriel, Physician of Sa [...]llan, Rabelais, Cohuau, Massuau, Ma [...]rici, Bullou, Cereu alias Bourgmaistre, Francis Proust, Ferron, Charles Girard, Francis Bourré, and many other Friends and Servants to the Deceased, all dismay'd, gaz'd on each other without uttering one word; yet not without foreseeing that France would in a short time be depriv'd of a Knight so accomplish'd and necessary for its Glory and Protection, and that Heaven claim'd him again as its due. By the tufted Tip of my Cowle, cry'd Fryar Jhon, I am e'en resolv'd to become a Scholar before I die. I have a pretty good Head-piece of my own, you must own. Now pray give me leave to ask you a civil Question; Can these same Heroes and Demigods [Page 113] you talk of die? May I never be damn'd, if I was not so much a Lobcock as to believe they had been Immortal like so many fine Angels; Heaven forgive me! but this most Reverend Father Macroby tells us, They die at l [...]st. We all must, return'd Pantagruel.
The Stoicks held them all to be Mor [...]l, except one, who alone is Immortal, Impossible, Invisible. Pindar plainly saith, That there is no more Thread, that is to say, no more Life spun from the Distaff and Flax of the hard-hearted Fates for the Goddesses [...]am [...]d [...]yades, than there is for those Trees [...] are preserv'd by them, which are good sturdy downright Oaks, whence they deriv'd their Original according to the Opinion of Callimachus and Pausanias in Ph [...]i; with whom concurs Martianus Capella. As for the Demigods, F [...]s, Satyrs, Sylvans, Hobgoblins, Aegpanes, N [...]mphs, Heroes, and Daemons, several Men [...]a [...]e, from the total Sum, which is the res [...]lt of the divers Ages Calculated by He [...]ied, reckon'd their life to be 9720 years, that [...] consisting of four special numbers orderly arising from one, the same added together [...]d multiplied by four every way, amounts to forty; these forties being reduc'd into Triangles by five times, make up the total of the aforesaid number. See Plutarch in his Book about the Cessation of Oracles.
This, said Fryar Jhon, is not matter of Breviary, I may believe as little or as much [Page 114] of it as you and I please. I believe, said Pantagruel, that all Intellectual Souls are exempted from Atropos's Scissers. They are all immortal whether they be of Angels, of Demons, or Human: Yet I'll tell you a story concerning this, that's very strange, but is written and affirm'd by several learned Historians.
CHAP. XXVIII. How Pantagruel related a very sad story of the Death of the Heroes.
EPITHERSES the Father of Emilia [...] the Rhetorician, sailing from Greece to Italy, in a Ship freighted with divers Goods, and Passengers, at night, the wind fail'd'em near the Echinades, some Islands that lye between the Morea and Tunis, and the Vessel was driven near Paxos. When they were got thither, some of the passengers being asleep, others awake, the rest eating and drinking, a voice was heard that call'd aloud, Thamous; which cry surpris'd them all. This same Thamous was their Pilot, an Egyptian by birth, but known by name only to some few Travellers. The voice was heard a second time calling Thamous, in a frigthful Tone, and none making answer but trembling and remaining silent, [Page 115] the Voice was heard a third time, more dreadfull than before.
This caus'd Thamous to answer; here am I, What dost thou call me for? What wilt thou have me do? Then the Voice louder than before, bad him publish when he should come to Paloda, That the great God Pan was dead.
Epitherses related, that all the Mariners, and Passengers, having heard this were extreamly amaz'd and frighted; and that consulting among themselves, whether they had b [...]st conceal or divulge what the Voice had injoyn'd, Thamous said, his advice was, That if they happen'd to have a fair wind, they sh [...]u [...]d proceed without mentioning a word on't, but if they chanc'd to be becalm'd, he would publish what he had heard: Now when they were near Paloda they had no Wind, neither were they in any Current. T [...]m [...]us then getting up on the top of the Ship's forecastle, and casting his Eyes on the shoar, said that he had been commanded to proclaim, that the great God Pan was dead. The words were hardly out of his Mouth, when deep Groans, great Lamentations, and Shrieks, not of one Person but of many together, were heard from the Land.
The News of this, (many being present then) was soon spread at R [...]me; insomuch that Tiberius, who was then Emperor, sen [...] [Page 116] for this Thamous, and having heard him, gave credit to his words, and inquiring of the Learned in his Court and at Rome, who was that Pan? He found by their relation that he was the Son of Mercury and Penelope, as Herodotus, and Cicero in his third book of the nature of the Gods, had written before.
For my part, I understand i [...] of that great Saviour of the Faithfull, who was shamefully put to Death at Jerusalem by the envy and wickedness of the Doctors. Priests, and Monks of the M [...]saie Law. And methinks, my Interpretation is not improper, for he may lawfully be said in the Greek Tongue to be Pan ▪ since he is our All For all that we are, all that we live, all that we have, all that we hope, is him, by him▪ [...]m him, and in him. He is the good [...]an, the great Shepherd, who as the loving Sheperd C [...]yden affirms, hath not only a tend [...]r Love and Affection for his Sheep, but [...] for their Shepherds. At his death complaints, sighs, fears and lamentations were [...] [...]ad through the whole Fabric of the univers [...], whether Heavens, Land, Sea, or Hell.
The time also concurs with this interpretation of mine; for this most good, most mighty Pan, our only Saviour, dyed near Je [...]salem during the Reign of Tiberius Caesar.
Pantagruel having ended this discourse, remain'd silent, and full of Contemplation; [Page 117] a little while after, we saw the tears flow out of his eyes as big as Ostridg's Eggs. God take me presently if I tell you one single syllable of a Lye in the matter.
CHAP. XXIX. How Pantagruel sail'd by the Sneaking Island where Shrove-tide reign'd.
THE Jovial Fleet being re [...]ed and repar'd, new Stores [...]en in, the Macre [...]ns over and [...] satisfy'd, and pleased with the Money spent there by Pantagruel, our Men in better humour yet then they us'd to be if possible, we merrily put to sea the next day near Sun-set, with a delicious fresh Gale.
Xenomanes show'd us afar off the Sneaking Island where reign'd Shrovetide, of whom Pantagruel had heard much talk formerly; for that Reason, he would gladly have seen him in Person, had not Xenomanes advis'd him to the contrary: First because this would have been much out of our way, and then for the lean Cheer, which he told us, was to be found at that Prince's Court, and indeed all over the Island.
[Page 118]You can see nothing there for your Money (said he) but a huge Greedy-Guts, a tall woundy swallower of hot Wardens and Muscles, a Longshank'd Mole-catcher, an over grown Bottler of hay, a Mossy-chin'd, Demy-giant, with a double shaven Crown, of Lantern Breed, a very great Loytering Noddy-peak'd youngster, Banner-bearer to the Fish-eating Tribe, Dictator of Mustard-land, Flogger of little Children, Calciner of Ashes, Father and Foster-father to Physicians, swarming with Pardons, Indulgencies, and Stations; a very honest Man; a good Catholic and as brim full of Devotion as ever he can hold.
He wee [...] the Three fourth parts of the day, and never [...]sts at any Weddings; but give the Devil his [...], [...]e's the most industrious Larding-stick, and S [...]e-maker in forty Kingdoms.
About Six years ago, as I pass'd by Sneaking Land, I brought home a large Scure from thence and made a Present of it to the Butchers of Quande, who set a great value upon them, and that for a Cause: sometime or other, if ever we live to come back to our own Country, I will shew you two of them fastned on the great Church-Porch. His usual Food is pickled Coats of Mail, salt Helmets and Head-pieces, and salt Sallads; which sometimes makes him piss Pins and Needles. As for his Cloathing 'tis Comical enough o [...] Conscience, both for make and colour; [Page 119] for he wears Grey and Cold, nothing before, and nought behind, with the Sleeves of the same.
You will do me a kindness, said Pantagruel, if as you have described his Cloths, Food, Actions, and Pastimes, you will also give me an Account of his Shape, and Disposition in all his Parts; Prethee do, dear Cod, said Fryar Ihon, for I have found him in my Breviary, and then follow the moveable Holydays? With all my heart, answer'd X [...]manes, We may chance to hear more of him as we touch at the Wild Island, the Dominion of the Squob Chitterlings his Enemies; against whom he is eternally at odds, and were it not for the help of the noble Carnaval their Protector, and good Neighbour, this Meagre-look'd Lozelly Shrovetide would long before this have made sad work among them, and rooted them out of their Habitation. Are these same Chitterlings, said Fryar Ihon, Male or Female, Angels or Mortals, Women or Maids? They are, reply'd Xenomanes, Female in Sex, Mortal in kind, some of them Maids, others not. The Devil have me, said Fryar Ihon, if I been't for them. What a shameful disorder in Nature is it not, to make War against Women. Let's go back, and back the Villain to pieces.— What! meddle with Shrovetide, cry'd Panurge, in the name of Belzebub, I am not yet so weary of my Life. No, I'm not yet so mad as [Page 120] that comes to. Quid juris? Suppose we should find our selves pent up between the Chitterlings and Shrovetide? between the Anvil and the Hammers? Shankers, and Buboes; stand off; Godzooks let's make the best of our way. I bid you good Night, sweet Mr. Shrovetide, I recommend to you the Chitterlings, and pray don't forget the Puddings.
CHAP. XXX. How Shrovetide is anatomiz'd and describ'd by Xenomanes.
AS for the inward Parts of Shrovetide, said Xenomanes, his Brain, is (at least it was in my time) in Bigness, Colour, Substance and Strength, much like the left Cod of a He-hand-worm.
The Ventricles of his said Brain, like an Augre.
The Worm-like Excrescence, like a Christmas-Box.
The Membranes, like a Monk's Cowle.
The Funnel, like a Mason's Chissel.
The Fernix, like a Casket.
The Glandula pinealis, like a Bag-pipe.
The Rete Admirabile, like a Gutter.
The Dug-like Proc [...]sses, like a Patch.
The Tympanums, like a Whirly Gig.
[Page 121]The Rocky bones, like a Goose-wing.
The Nape of the Neck, like a Paper Lanthorn.
The Nerves, like a Pipkin.
The Ʋvula, like a Sack butt.
The Palate ▪ like a Mittain.
The Spittle, like a Shuttle.
The Almonds, like a Telescope.
The Bridge of his Nose, like a Wheel barrow.
The Head of the Larynx, like a Vintage Basket.
The Stomach, like a Belt.
The Pylorus, like a Pitchfork.
The Windpipe, like an Oyster-knife.
The Throat, like a Pincushion stuff'd with Oakham.
The Lungs, like a Prebend's Fur-gown.
The Heart, like a Cope.
The Mediastin, like an earthen Cup.
The Pleura, like a Crows-bill.
The Arteries, like a Watch-coat.
The Midriff, like a Mounteer-Cap.
The Liver, like a double Tongu'd Mattock.
The Veins, like a Sash-window.
The Spleen, like a Catcal.
The Guts, like a Trammel.
The Gall, like a Coopers Ads.
The Entrails, like a Gantlet.
The Mesentery, like an Abbot's Myter.
The Hungry Gut, like a Button.
The Blind Gut, like a Breast-plate.
The Colon, like a Bridle.
The Arse-Gut, like a Monk's leathern Bottle.
[Page 120] [...] [Page 121] [...][Page 122]The Kidneys, like a Trowel.
The Loyns like a Padlock.
The Ʋreters like a Pot-hook.
The Emulgent Veins, like two Gilly-flowers.
The Spermatick Vessels ▪ like a Cully-mully-puff.
The Parastata's, like an Ink-pot.
The Bladder, like a Stone-bow.
Its Neck, like a Mill-Clapper.
The Mirach, or lower parts of the Belly, like a High crown'd Hat.
The Siphach, or its Inner Rind, like a Wooden Cuff.
The Muscles like a pair of Bellows.
The Tend [...]ns, like a Hawking Glove.
The Ligaments, like a Tinker's Budget.
The Bones, like three corner'd Cheese-Cakes.
The Marrow, like a Wallet.
The Cartilages, like a Field Tortoise, alias a M [...]le.
The Glandules in the Mouth, like a Pruning-Knife.
The Animal Spirits, like swindging Fifty-cuffs.
The Blood fermenting, like a multiplication of flurts on the Nose.
The Ʋrin, like a Fig-pecker.
The Sperm, like a hundred of Tenpenny-Nails.
And his Nurse told me, That being Married to Mid-Lent, he only begot a good number of Local Adverbs, and certain double Fasts.
His Memory he had like a Scarf.
His Common Sence, like a buzzing of Bees.
His Imagination, like the Chime of a Set of Bells.
His Thoughts, like a flight of Starlings.
His Conscience, like the unnestling of a parcel of young Herns.
His Deliberations, like a set of Organs.
His Repentance, like the Carriage of a double Canon.
His Ʋndertakings, like the Ballast of a Galion.
His Ʋnderstanding, like a torn Breviary.
His Notions, like Snails crawling out of Strawberries.
His Will, like three Filberts in a Porrenger.
His Desire, like six Trusses of Hay.
His Judgment, like a Shoing-horn.
His Discretion, like the truckle of a Pully.
His Reason, like a Cricket.
CHAP. XXXI. Shrovetide's outward parts Anatomiz'd.
SHrovetide, continued Xenomanes, is somewhat better proportion'd in his outward Parts, excepting the seven Ribs which he had over and above the common shape of Men.
His Toes were like a Virginal on an Organ.
His Nails, like a Gimlet.
His Feet, like a Guitar.
[Page 124]His Heels, like a Club.
The Soles of his Feet, like a Crucible.
His Legs like a Hawk's Lure.
His Knees, like a J [...]ynt-Ste [...]l.
His Thighs, like a Steel Cap.
His Hips, like a Wimble.
His Belly as big as a T [...], button'd after the [...] Fashion, with a Girdle riding over the middle of his Bosom.
His Navel, like a Cymbal.
His Groyn, like a Minc'd Pye.
His Member, like a Slipper.
His Purse, like an Oyl-Cruet.
His Genitals, like a Joyners Plainer.
Their Erecting Muscles, like a Racket.
The Perineum, like a Flageolet.
His Arse-hole, like a Crystal-Looking Glass.
His Bum, like a Harrow.
His Loyns, like a Butter-pot.
The Peritonaeum, or Caul wherein his Bowels were wrap'd, like a Billiard-Table.
His Back, like an overgrown rack-bent Cross-Bow.
The Vertebrae, or Joynts of his Back-bone, like a Bag-pipe.
His Ribs, like a Spinning-Wheel.
His Brisket, like a Canopy.
His Shoulder-Blades, like a Mortar.
His Breast, like a Game at Nine-pins.
His Paps, like a Horn-Pipe.
His Arm-pits, like a Chequer.
His Shoulders, like a Hand-barrow.
His Arms, like a Riding-Hood.
[Page 125]His Fingers, like a Brotherhood's Andirons.
The Fibulae, or lesser Bones of his Legs, like a pair of Stiles.
His Shin-bones, like Sickles.
His Elbows, like a Mouse-Trap.
His Hands, like a Curry-Comb.
His Neck, like a Talboy.
His Throat, like a Felt to destil Hippocras.
The Knob in his Throat, like a Barrel, where hang'd two brazen Wens, very fine and harmonious, in the shape of an Hour-glass.
His Beard, like a Lanthorn.
His Chin, like a Mushrom.
His Ears, like a pair of Gloves.
His Nose, like a Bu [...]k [...]n.
His Nostrils, like a Forehead-Cloth.
His Eye-brows like a Dripping-pan.
On his left Brow, was a mark of the shape and bigness of an Ʋrinal.
His Eye-lids, like a Fiddle.
His Eyes, like a Comb-box.
His Optick Nerves, like a Tinder box.
His Forehead, like a false Cup.
His Temples, like the Cock of a Cistern.
His Cheeks, like a pair of Wooden S [...]es.
His Jaws, like a Cawdle Cup.
His Teeth, like a Hunter's Staff. Of such Colts Teeth as his, you will find one at Colonges les Royaux in Poictou, and two at la Brosse in Xaintonge, on the Celler-door.
His Tongue, like a Jews-Harp.
His Mouth, like a Horse-Cloth.
[Page 126]His Face imbroider'd like a Mule's Pack Saddle.
His Head contriv'd like a Still.
His Scull, like a Pouch.
The Suturae, or Seams of his Skull, like the Annulus Piscatoris, or the Fisher's Signet.
His Skin, like a Gabardine.
His Epidermis, or outward Skin, like a Boulting-Cloth.
His Hair, like a Scrubbing-Brush.
His Fur, such as abovesaid.
CHAP. XXXII. A Continuation of Shrovetide's Countenance.
'TIs a wonderful thing, continu'd Xenomanes, to hear and see the State of Shrovetide.
If he chanc'd to Spit, it was whole Baskets full of Goldfinches.
If he blow'd his Nose, it was pickl'd Grigs.
When he Wept, it was Ducks with Onion Sauce.
When he Trembl'd, it was large Venison Pasties.
When he did Sweat, it was Old L [...]ng with Butter Sauce.
When he Belch'd, it was Bushels of Oysters.
When he Sneez'd, it was whole Tubs full of Mustard.
[Page 127]When he Cough'd, it was Boxes of Marmalade.
When he Sob'd, it was Water-Cresses.
When he Yawn'd, it was Pots full of Pickl'd Pease.
When he Sigh'd, it was dry'd Neats Tongues.
When he Whistled, it was a whole Scuttle full of green Apes.
When he Snoar'd, it was a whole Pan-full of fry'd Beans.
When he Frown'd, it was Sows'd-Hogs-Feet.
When he spoke, it was course brown Russet Cloth; so little it was like Crimson Silk with which Parisatis desir'd that the words of such as spoke to her Son Cyrus King of Persia, should be interwoven.
When he Blow'd, it was Indulgence-Money boxes.
When he Wink'd, it was Butter'd Buns.
When he Grumbled, it was March Cats.
When he Nodded, 'twas Iron-bound Waggons.
When he made Mouths, it was broken Staves.
When he Mutter'd, it was Lawyers Revels.
When he Hopp'd about, it was Letters of Licence and Protections.
When he step'd back, it was Sea Cockle shells.
When he Slabber'd, it was common Ovens.
When he was Hoarse, it was an entry of Morrice-Dancers.
When he broke Wind, it was Dun-Cows-Leather Spatter dashes.
When he Funk'd, it was Wash'd Leather Boots.
When he scratch'd himself, it was new Proclamations.
When he sung, it was Pease in Cods.
[Page 128]When he Evacuated, it was Mushroms and Moralles.
When he Puffed▪ it was Cabbages with Oyl, alias Caules Ambolif.
When he Talk'd, it was the last years Snow.
When he Dreamt, it was of a Cock and a Bull.
When he gave nothing, so much for the Bearer.
If he Thought to himself, it was Whimsies and Maggots.
If he Doz'd, it was Leases of Lands.
What is yet more strange, he us'd to work doing Nothing, and did nothing, tho' he work'd; Carous'd Sleeping, and slept carousing, with his Eyes open like the Hares in our Country, for fear of being taken Napping by the Chitterlings his inveterate Enemies; Biting he Laugh'd, and laughing bit; Eat nothing Fasting, and fasted eating nothing; mumbled upon Suspicion, drank by Imagination; Swam on the tops of high Steeples, dry'd his Clothes in Ponds and Rivers; Fish'd in the Air, and there us'd to catch Decumane Lobsters; Hunted at the bottom of the Herring-Pond, and caught there Ibices, Stamboues, Shamois and other wild Goats; us'd to put out the Eyes of all the Crows which he took sneakingly; fear'd nothing but his own shadow, and the cries of fat Kids; us'd to gad abroad some days like a Truant School-boy; play'd with the Ropes of Bells on Festival days of Saints; made a [Page 129] Mallet of his fist, and writ on hairy Parchment Prognostications and Almanacks with his huge Pincase.
Is that the Gentleman, said Fryar Jhon, he is my Man: this is the very fellow I lookt for; I'll send him a Challenge immediately. This is, said Pantagruel, a strange and monstrous sort of a Man, if I may call him a Man. You put me mind of the form and looks of Amodunt and Dissonance. How were they made said Fryar Jhon? may I be peel'd like a raw Onion if ever I heard a word of them. I'll tell you what I read of them in some ancient Apologues, reply'd Pantagruel.
Physis (that is to say Nature) at her first Burthen, begat Beauty, and Harmony, without Carnal Copulation, being of her self very Fruitful and Prolifick: Antiphysis, who ever was the Counter part of Nature, immediately out of a Malicious spight against her for Beatiful and Honourable Productions, in opposition, begot Amodunt and Dissonance, by Copulation with Tellumon. Their Heads were round like a Football, and not gently flatted on both sides like the common shape of Men. Their Ears stood prick'd up like those of Asses; their Eyes, as hard as those of Crabs, and without Brows, star'd out of their Heads, fix'd on Bones like those of our Heels; their Feet were round like Tennis-Balls; their Arms and Hands turn'd backwards towards their Shoulders, and they walk'd on their [Page 130] Heads, continually turning round like a B [...]ll, topsie-turvy Heels over Head.
Yet (as you know that Apes esteem their Young the handsomest in the World) Antiphysis extolld her off-spring and strove to prove, that their shape was handsomer and neater, than that of the Children of Physis; saying that thus to have Spherical Heads, and Feet, and walk in a circular Manner, wheeling round, had something in it of the perfection of the divine Power, which makes all beings eternally turn in that fashion; and that to have our Feet uppermost and the Head below them, was to imitate the Creator of the universe, the Hair being like the roots, and the Legs like the branches of Man; for Trees are better planted in the Earth by the roots, than they could be by their branches. By this demonstration, she imply'd that her Children were much more to be prais'd, for being like a standing Tree, than those of Physis that made the figure of a Tree upside down: As for the Arms and Hands, she pretended to prove that they were more justly turn'd towards the shoulders, because that part of the Body ought not to be without a defence, while the fore part is duly fenc'd with Teeth, which a Man cannot only use to chew, but also to defend himself against those things that offend him. Thus by the testimony, and astipulation of the brute Beasts, [Page 131] she drew all the witless herd, and mob of Fools into her opinion, and was admir'd by all brainless and nonsensical People.
Since that, she begot the hypocritical Tribes of eves-dropping dissemblers, superstitious Popemongers and Priestridden biggots, the Frantic Pistole [...]s, the Scrapers of Benefices, Apparitors with the Devil in th [...]m, and other Grinders and Squeezers of Livings, your mad Herb-stinking Hermits, gulligu [...] [...]ed dunces of the Cowl, Church-vermin, false zealots, devourers of the Substance of Men, and many more other deform'd and ill favour'd Monsters, made in spight of Nature.
CHAP. XXXIII. How Pantagruel discover'd a Monstrous Physetere, or Whirlpool near the Wild Island.
ABOUT Sun set coming near the Wild Island, Pantagruel spy'd afar off a huge monstrous Physetere, a sort of a Whale (which some call a Whirl pool,) that came right upon us neighing, snorting, rais'd above the Waves higher than our main Tops, and spouting Water all the way into the Air, before it self, like a large River falling [Page 132] from a Mountain: Pantagruel show'd it to the Pilot, and to Xenomanes.
By the Pilot's advice the Trumpets of the Thalamege were sounded, to warn all the Fleet to stand close and look to themselves; This Alarm being given, all the Ships, Gallions, Frigats, Brigantines, (according to their Naval discipline) placed themselves in the Order and figure of an Y. [Ʋpsilon,] the Letter of Pythagoras, as Cranes do in their flight, and like an Angle, in whose Cone and Basis the Thalamege plac'd her self ready to fight smartly: Fryar Ihon with the Granadeers, got on the Forecastle.
Poor Panurge began to Cry and Howl worse then ever Babillebabou, said he, shruging up his shoulders, quivering all over with fear, There will be the Devil upon Dun. This is a worse business than That t'other Day; let us fly, let us fly; old Nick take me if it is not Leviathan, describ'd by the noble Prophet Moses, in the life of Patient Job. It will swallow us all, Ships and Men, Shag, Rag, and Bobtail, like a dose of Pills. Alas, it will make no more of us, and we shall hold no more room in its hellish Jaws, than a Sugar-plum in an Asses Throat. Look, Look, 'tis upon us, let's wheel off, whip it away and get ashoar. I believe 'tis the very individual Sea Monster, that was formerly design'd to devour Andromeda; we are all undone. [Page 133] Oh! for some valiant Perseus here now to kill the Dog.
I'll do it's business presently, said Pantagruel; fear nothing. Odds-belly, said Panurge, remove the cause of my fear then; when, the Devil, would you have a Man be afraid, but when there is so much Cause? If your Destiny be such as Fryar Ihon was saying a while ago (reply'd Pantagruel) you ought to be afraid of Pyrois, Eöus, Aethon and Phlegon the Suns Coach-horses, that breath Fire at the Nostrils, and not of Physeters, that spout nothing but water at the Snout and Mouth. Their water will not endanger your Life; and that Element will rather save and preserve, than hurt or endanger you.
Ay, ay, trust to that, and hang me, quoth Panurge, yours is a very pretty Fancy; Od's Fish, did I not give you a sufficient account of the Elements Transmutation, and the Blunders that are made of Roast for Boyld, and Boyld for Roast? Alas here 'tis: I'le go hide my self below. We are dead Men every Mother's Son of us; I see upon our main Top that merciless Hagg Atropos with her Scizzers new ground, ready to cut our Threads all at one Snip. Oh! how dreadful and abominable thou art; Thou hast drown'd a good many, besides us, who never made their Brags of it. Did it but spout good brisk, dainty, delicious White-wine, instead of this damn'd bitter Saltwater, [Page 134] one might better bear with it, and there would be some cause to be Patient, like that English Lord who being doom'd to dye, and had leave to choose what kind of Death he would, chose to be drown'd in a Butt of M [...]lmsie. Here it is.— Oh, oh, Devil, Sathanas, Leviathan, I can't abide to look upon thee, thou art so abominable Ugly.— Go to the Bar, go take the Pettifoggers.
CHAP. XXXIV. How the monstrous Physetere was slain by Pantagruel.
THE Physetere coming between the Ships and the Gallions, threw water by whole Tuns upon them, as if it had been the Catadupes of the Nile in Ethiopia. On the other side, Arrows, Darts, Gleaves, Javelins, Spears, Harping Irons, and Partizan▪ fl [...]w upon it like Hail. Fryar Ihon did not spare himself in it. Panurge was half dead for fear. The Artillery roar'd and thunder'd like mad, and seem'd to gawl it in good earnest, but did but little good; for, the great Iron and Brass-Cannon-shot entring it's Skin, seem'd to melt like Tiles in the Sun.
Pantagruel then considering the weight and Exigency of the matter, stretched out his Arms, and shew'd what he could do. You tell [Page 135] us, and it is recorded that Commod [...] the Roman Emperour could shoot with a Bow so dextrously that at a good distance he would let fly an Arrow through a Child's fingers, and never touch them. You also tell us of an Indian Archer, who liv'd when Alexander the Great conquer'd India, and was so skilful in drawing the Bow, that at a considerable distance he would shoot his Arrows thro' a Ring, though they were three Cubits long, and their Iron so large and weighty that with them he us'd to pierce steel Cutlasses, thick Shields, steel Breast-plates, and generally what he did hit, how firm, resisting, hard and strong soever it were. You also tell us wonders off the Industry of the ancient Francks, who were preferred to all others in point of Archery, and when they hunted either Black or Dun Beasts, us'd to rub the head of their Arrows with Hellebore, because the flesh of the Venison struck with such an Arrow, was more tender, dainty, wholsome and delicious, (paring off nevertheless the part that was touch'd, round about.) You also talk of the Parthians who us'd to shoot backwards more dextrously than other Nations forwards; and also celebrate the Skill of the Scythians in that Art, who sent once to Darius King of Persia an Embassador that made him a present of a Bird, a Frog, a Mouse and five Arrows, without speaking one word; and being ask'd, what those Presents meant, and if he had [Page 136] Commission to say any thing, answer'd that he had not; Which puzzled and gravell'd Darius very much; till Gobrias one of the seven Captains that had kill'd the Magi explain'd it, saying to Darius, By these Gifts and Offerings the Scythians silently tell you, that except the Persians like Birds fly up to Heaven, like Mice hide themselves near the Centre of the Earth, or like Frogs dive to the very bottom of Ponds and Lakes, they shall be destroyed by the Power and Arrows of the Scythians.
The Noble Pantagruel was without Comparison, more admirable yet in the Art of Shooting and Darting; for with his dreadful Piles and Darts, nearly resembling the huge Beams that support the Bridges of Nantes, Saumur, Bergerac, and at Paris the Millers and the Changers Bridges, in length, size, weight, and Ironwork, he at a Mile's distance would open an Oyster and never touch the edges; he would snuff a Candle without putting it out, would shoot a Magpy in the Eye, take off a Boot's under-soal, or a Riding-hood's lining without soylling them a bit, turn over every leaf of Fryar Jhon's Breviary one after another, and not tear one.
With such Darts, of which there was good store in his Ship, at the first blow he ran the Physetere in at the Forehead so furiously, that he pierc'd both its Jaws and Tongue, so that from that time to this it no more open'd its Guttural Trap-door▪ nor drew and [Page 137] spouted water. At the second blow he put out its right Eye, and at the third its left; and we had All the pleasure to see the Physetere bearing those three Horns in its Forehead, somewhat leaning forwards in an equilateral Triangle.
Mean while it turn'd about to and fro staggering and straying like one stunn'd, blinded, and taking his leave of the World. Pantagruel not satisfy'd with this, let fly another Dart, which took the Monster under the Tail likewise sloping; then with three other on the Chyne in a perpendicular line divided its Flank from the Tail to the Snout at an equal distance; then he larded it with fifty on one side, and after that to make even work, he darted as many on its other side; so that the Body of the Physetere seem'd like the hulk of a Gallion with three Masts, joyn'd by a competent dimension of its Beams, as if they had been the Ribs and chainwales of the Keel, which was a pleasant sight. The Physetere then giving up the Ghost, turn'd it self upon its back, as all dead Fishes do, and being thus overturn'd with the Beams and Darts upside down in the Sea, it seem'd a Scolopendria or Centipede, as that Serpent is describ'd by the ancient Sage Nicander.
CHAP. XXXV. How Pantagruel went on shoar in the Wild Island, the ancient abode of the Chitterlings.
THe Boat's Crew of the Ship Lantera tow'd the Physetere ashoar on the Neighbouring shoar (which happened to be the Wild Island) to make an Anatomical Dissection of its Body, and save the fat of its Kidneys, which, they said, was very useful and necessary for the cure of a certain Distemper which they call'd want of Money. As for Pantagruel he took no manner of notice of the Monster, for he had seen many such, nay bigger in the Gallick Ocean. Yet he condescended to land in the Wild Island, to dry and refresh some of his Men (whom the Physetere had wetted and bedawb'd) at a small Desert Sea-port towards the South, seated near a fine pleasant Grove, out of which flow'd a delicious Brook of fresh, clear, and purling water. Here they pitch'd their Tents, and set up their Kitchins, nor did they spare Fewel.
Every one having shifted, as they thought fi [...], Fryar Jhon rang the Bell, and the Cloth was immediately laid, and Supper brought in. Pantagruel eating chearfully with his Men▪ much about the second Course, perceived certain [Page 139] little sly Chitterlings clammering up a high Tree near the Pantry as still as so many Mice. Which made him ask Xenomanes, what kind of Creatures these were, taking them for Squirrels, We [...]sels, Martins, or Hermins. They are Chitterlings, reply'd Xenomanes. This is the Wild Island, or which I spoke to you this morning: There hath been an irreconcilable War this long time between them and Shrovetide their malicious and ancient Enemy. I believe that the noise of the Guns which we fir'd at the Physetere hath alarm'd 'em, and made them fear their Enemy was come with his Forces to surprise them, or lay the Island waste, as he hath often attempted to do, though he still came off but blewly; by reason of the care and vigilance of the Chitterlings, who (as Dido said to Aeneas's Companions that would have landed at Carthage without her Leave or Knowledge) were forc'd to watch and stand upon their Guard, considering the malice of their Enemy and the Neighbourhood of his Territories.
Pray, dear Friend, said Pantagruel, if you find that by some honest means we may bring this War to an end, and reconcile them together, give me notice of it, I will use my endeavours in it, with all my Heart, and spare nothing on my side to moderate and accommodate the points in dispute between both Parties.
That's impossible at this time, answer'd [Page 140] Xenomanes. About four years ago passing Incognito by this Country, I endeavour'd to make a Peace, or at least a long Truce among them, and I had certainly brought them to be good Friends and Neighbours, if both one and the other Parties would have yielded to one single Article. Shrovetide would not include in the Treaty of Peace the Wild Puddings, nor the Highland Sawsages their ancient Gossips and Confederates. The Chitterlings demanded that the Fort of Caques might be under their Government, as is the Castle of Sulloaoir, and that a parcel of I don't know what stinking Villains, Murtherers, Robbers, that held it then, should be expell'd. But they could not agree in this, and the terms that were offer'd seem'd too hard to either Party. So the Treaty broke off, and nothing was done. Nevertheless, they became less severe, and gentler Enemies than they were before: But since the denunciation of the National Council of Chesil, whereby they were roughly handled, hamper'd, and cited, whereby also Shrovetide was declar'd filthy, beshitten, and beray'd, in case he made any League, or Agreement with them, they are grown wonderfully inveterate, Incens'd, and Obstinate against one another, and there is no way to remedy it. You might sooner reconcile Cats and Rats, or Hounds and Hares together.
CHAP. XXXVI. How the Wild Chitterlings layd an Ambuscado for Pantagruel.
WHile Xenomenes was saying this, Fryar Jhon spy'd twenty five or thirty young slender-shap'd Chitterlings posting as fast as they could towards their Town, Citadel, Castle and Fort of Chimney, and said to Pantagruel, I smell a Rat, there will be here the Devil upon two sticks, or I am much out. These Worshipful Chitterlings may chance to mistake you for Shrovetide, though you are not a bit like him. Let us once in our lives leave our Junketing for a while, and put our selves in a posture to give 'em a Belly full of fighting, if they would be at that sport. There can be no false Latin in this, said Xenomanes, Chitterlings are still Chitterlings, always double hearted, and treacherous.
Pantagruel then arose from Table, to visit and scoure the Thicket, and return'd presently, having discover'd on the left an Ambuscade of squob Chitterlings, and on the right about half a League from thence, a large Body of huge Giant-like arm'd Chitterlings rang'd in Battalia along a little Hill, and marching furiously towards us at the sound of Bagpipes, Sheep's-Paunches and Bladders, the merry Fifes and Drums, Trumpets and [Page 142] Clarions, hoping to catch us as Moss caught his Mare. By the conjecture of seventy eight Standards which we told, we guess'd their number to be two and forty thousand at a modest computation.
Their O [...]der, proud Gate, and resolute Looks, m [...]de us judge that they were none of your raw paultry Links, but old Warlike Chitterlings and Sawsages. From the foremost Ranks to the Colours they were all arm'd Cap a pié with small Arms as we reckoned them at a distance, yet very sharp, and case-harden'd. Their right and left Wings were lin'd with a great number of Forrest-Puddings, heavy Patti-pans, and Horse Sawsages, all of them tall and proper Islanders, Banditti, and Wild.
Pantagruel was very much daunted, and not without cause, tho' Epistemon told him that it might be the use and custom of the Chitterl [...]gonians to welcom and receive thus in Arms their foreign Friends, as the Noble Kings of France are received and sal [...]ted at their first coming into the chief Cities of the Kingdom, after their advancement to the Crown. Perhaps, said he, it may be the usual Guard of the Queen of the place; who having notice given her, by the Junior Chitterlings of the Forlorn-hope, whom you saw on the Tree, of the arrival of your fine and pompous Fleet, hath judg'd that it was without doubt some rich and potent Prince, and is come to visit you in Person.
[Page 143] Pantagruel little trusting to this, call'd a Council to have their advice at large in this doubtful case. He briefly shew'd them how this way of reception with Arms had often under colour of Complement and Friendship been fatal to the Parties so receiv'd. Thus, said he, the Emperor Antonius Caracalla at one time destroy'd the Citizens of Alexandria, and at another time cut off the Attendants of Artabanus King of Persia, under color of Marrying his Daughter; which by the way did not pass unpunished, for a while after, this cost him his life.
Thus Jacob's Children destroy'd the Sichemites, to revenge the Rape of their Sister Dina. By such another hypocritical trick, Galienus the Roman Emperour put to death the Military Men in Constantinople. Thus under colour of Friendship, Antonius inticed Artavasdes King of Armenia, then having caused him to be bound in heavy Chains, and shackled, at last put him to death.
We find a thousand such instances in History; and K. Charles the 6th is justly commended for his Prudence to this day, in that, coming back Victorious over the Ghenters and other Flemmings to his good City of Paris, and when he came to Bourget, (a League from thence) hearing that the Citizens with their Mallets (whence they got the name of Maillotius) were March'd out of Town in Battalia twenty thousand strong, he would not go into [Page 144] the Town till they had laid down their Arms, and retir'd to their respective homes, tho' they protested to him, that they had taken Arms with no other design, than to receive him with the greater demonstration of Honour and Respect.
CHAP. XXXVII. How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Mawl-Chitterling, and Colonel Cut-Pudding, with a discourse well worth your hearing, about the Names of places and persons.
THE resolution of the Councill was, that let things be how they would, it behov'd the Pantagruelists to stand upon their Guard. Therefore Carpalim and Gymnast were order'd by Pantagruel, to go for the Soldiers that were on board the Cup-Gally, under the Command of Colonel Mawl-Chitterling, and those on board the Vine-Tub-Frigat, under the command of Colonel Cut-pudding the younger. I'll ease Gymnast of that trouble, said Panurge who wanted to be upon the Run: You may have occasion for him here. By this worthy Frock of mine, quoth Fryer Jhon, thou hast a mind to slip thy neck out of the Collar, and absent thy self from the Fight, thou white liver'd Son of a Dunghill, upon my virginity thou 'llt never come back. Well, there can be no great loss in thee; for thou wouldst do nothing here but Howl, Bray, [Page 145] Weep, and dishearten the good Sholdiers. I'll certainly come back, said Panurge, Fryar Ihon, my Ghostly Father, and speedily too; do but take care that these Plaguy Chitterlings don't board our Ships; all the while you'l be a Fighting, I'le pray heartily for your Victory after the example of the valiant Captain and guide of the People of Israel, Moses; having said this he wheel'd off.
Then said Epistemon to Pantagruel, the Denomination of these two Colonels of yours, Mawl-Chitterling and Cut-pudding promiseth us Assurance, Success and Victory, if those Chitterlings should chance to set upon us. You take it rightly, said Pantagruel, and it pleaseth me to see you foresee and prognosticate our Victory by the Names of our Colonels.
This Way of foretelling by Names is not new, it was in Old times celebrated, and religiously observ'd by the Pythagoreans. Several great Princes and Emperors have formerly made good use of it, Octavianus Augustus Emperor of the Romans meeting on a day a Country Fellow nam'd Eutychius, (that is, fortunate) driving an Ass nam'd Nicon (that is in Greek Victorian) mov'd by the Signification of the Ass's, and Ass driver's Names, remain'd assur'd of all Prosperity and Victory.
The Emperour Vespasian, being once all alone at Prayers in the Temple of Serapis, at the sight and unexpected coming of a certain Servant of his nam'd Basilides (that is [Page 146] Royal) whom he had left Sick a great way behind, took hopes and assurance of obtaining the Empire of the R [...]mans. Reg [...]lian was chosen Emperour by the Soldiers for no other reason, but the Signification of his Name. See the Cratyle of the Divine Plato (By my Thirst I will read it, said Rhizotome; I hear you so often quote it) see how the Pythagoreans by reason of the names and numbers conclude that Patroclus was to fall by the hand of Hector, Hector by Achilles, Achilles by Paris, Paris by Phil [...]ctetes. I am quite lost in my understanding, when I reflect upon the admirable Invention of Pythagoras, who by the number, either even or odd, of the Syllables of every Noun would tell you of what side a Man was Lame, Hulch-back'd, Blind, Gouty, troubled with the Palsie, Pleurisie, or any other Distemper incident to humane kind, allotting even numbers to the Right, and odd ones to the Left side of the Body.
Indeed, said Epistemon. I saw this way of Syllabising, try'd at Xaintes at a general Procession in the Presence of that Good, Vertuous, Learned and just President Brian Val [...]ée Lord of Douhait. When there went by a Man or Woman that was either Lame, Blind of one Eye, or Hump-back'd, he had an Account brought him of his or her Name, and if the Syllables of the Name were of an odd number, immediately without seeing the Persons he declar'd them to be deform'd, Blind, [Page 147] Lame, or crooked of the Right side; and of the Left, if they were even in number: and such indeed we ever found them.
By this Syllabical invention, said Pantagruel, the Learned have affirm'd, that Achi [...]es kneeling was wounded by the Arrow of Paris in the Right heel, for his name is of odd Syllables: (here we ought to observe that the Ancients us'd to kneel the Right foot.) And that Venus was also wounded before Troy in the Left hand; for her Name in Greek is [...], of four Syllables, Vulcan lam'd of his Left foot for the same reason; Phillip King of Macedon and Hannibal blind of the Right eye; not to speak of Sciatica's, broken Bellies, and Hemicrania's, which may be distinguish'd by this Pythagorean reason.
But returning to Names, Do but consider how Alexander the Great, Son to King Philip, of whom we spoke just now, compass'd his Undertaking, meerly by the Interpretation of a Name. He had besieged the strong City of Tyre, and for several Weeks battered it with all his Power; but all in vain; his Engines and Attempts were still baffled by the Tyrians. Which made him finally resolve to raise the Siege to his great Grief, foreseeing the great Stain, which such a shameful Retreat would be to his Reputation. In this Anxiety and Agitation of mind he fell asleep, and dream't that a Satyr was come into his Tent capering skipping, and tripping it up and down, [Page 148] with his Goatish hoofs, and that he strove to lay hold on him. But the Satyr still slip'd from him, till at last having pen'd him up into a Corner, he took him: With this he awak'd, and telling his Dream to the Philosophers, and Sages of his Court, they let him know, that it was a Promise of Victory from the Gods, and that he should soon be Master of Tyre; the word Satyros divided in two being Sa Tyros, and signifying, Tyre is thine; and in truth, at the next Onset he took the Town by Storm, and by a compleat Victory, reduc'd that stubborn People to Subjection.
On the other hand, see how by the Signification of one word, Pompey fell into dispair. Being overcome by Caesar at the Battel of Pharsalia, he had no other way left to escape but by flight; which attempting by Sea, he arrived near the Island of Cyprus, and perceiv'd on the shoar near the City of Paphos a beautiful and stately Palace; now asking the Pilot what was the name of it, he told him, that it was call'd [...], that is, Evil-King, which struck such a dread and terror in him, that he fell into Despair, as being assured of loosing shortly his Life; insomuch that his Complaints, Sighs, and Groans were heard by the Marriners and other Passengers. And indeed a while after a certain strange Peasant call'd Achillas cut off his Head.
[Page 149]To all these Examples might he added what happen'd to L. Paulus Emilius, when the Senate elected him Emperour, that is, Chief of the Army which they sent against Perses King of Macedon; that Evening returning home to prepare for his Expedition, and kissing a little Daughter of his call'd Trasia, she seem'd somewhat sad to him. What is the matter, said he, my Chicken, why is my Trasia thus sad and Melancholly? Daddy, (reply'd the Child) Persa is dead; this was the Name of a little Bitch which she lov'd mightily: hearing this, Paulus took assurance of a Victory over Perses.
If time would permit us to discourse of the Sacred Hebrew writ, we might find a hundred noted Passages evidently shewing how religiously they observed Proper names, and their Significations. He had hardly ended this Discourse, when the two Colonels arrived with their Soldiers, all well arm'd and resosolute. Pantagruel made them a short Speech, intreating them to behave themselves bravely, in case they were attackt; for he cou'd not yet believe that the Chitterlings were so treacherous, but he bad them by no means to give the first offence; giving them Carnaval for the watch word.
CHAP. XXXVIII. How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by Men.
YOU shake your empty Noddles now, jolly Topers, and don't believe what I tell you here any more than if it were some Tale of a Tub: Well, well, I can't help it. Believe it if you will; if you wo'nt, let it alone. For my part, I very well know what I saw. It was in the wild Island, in our Voyage to the Holy Bottle, I tell you the Time and Place, what would you have more? I would have you call to mind the strength of the ancient Giants that undertook to lay the high Mountain Pelien on the top of Ossa, and set among those the shady Olympus, to dash out the Gods Brains, unnestle them, and scour their Heavenly Lodgings. Their's was no small strength, you may well think, and yet they were nothing but Chitterlings from the Waste downwards, or at least, Serpents, not to tell a Lye for the matter.
The Serpent that tempted Eve too was of the Chitterling kind, and yet it is recorded of him, that he was more subtle than any Beast of the Field. Even so are Chitterlings: Nay, to this very hour they hold in some Universities that this same Tempter was the Chitterling call'd Ithyphallus, or Standing, into which was transform'd [Page 151] bawdy Priapus Arch seducer of Females in Paradise, that is, a Garden in Greek.
Pray now tell me, Who can tell but that the Switzers now so bold and warlike were formerly Chitterlings? For my part▪ I would not take my Oath to the contrary. The Himantepodes, a Nation very famous in Ethiopia, according to Pliny's Description, are Chitterlings, and nothing else. If all this will not satisfie your Worships, or remove your Incredulity, I would have you forthwith (I mean drinking first, that nothing be done rashly) visit Lusignan, Parthenay, V [...]uant, Mervant, and Ponzauges in Poictou. There you will find a Cloud of Witnesses, not of your Affidavit-Men of the right stamp, but Credible, time out of mind, that will take their Corporal Oath, on Rigome's Knuckle-bone, that Mellusine their first Founder, or Foundress, which you please, was Woman from the Head to the Prick-purse, and thence downwards was a Serpentine Chitterling, or if you'l have it otherwise, a Chitterlingdiz'd Serpent. She nevertheless had a Gen [...]e [...] and noble Gate, imitated to this very day by your Hop-Merchants of Britanny in their Pasp [...]é and Country Dances.
What do you think was the cause of Erichtho [...]s's being the first Inventor of Coaches, Litters, and Chariots? Nothing but because Vulcan had begot him with Chitterlingdiz'd [Page 152] Legs, which to hide, he chose to ride in a Litter rather than on Horse-back; for Chitterlings were not yet in esteem at that time.
The Scythian Nymph Ora was likewise half Woman, and half Chitterling; and yet seem'd so beautiful to Jupiter, that nothing could serve him but he must give her a touch of his Godship's kindness; and accordingly had a brave Boy by her call'd Colaxes, and therefore, I would have you leave off shaking your empty Noddles at this, as if it were a Story, and firmly believe that nothing is truer than the Gospel.
CHAP. XXXIX. How Fryar Ihon joyn'd with the Cooks to fight the Chitterlings.
FRyar Ihon, seeing these furious Chitterlings thus boldly march up, said to Pantagruel; here will be a rare Battel of Hobby-horses, a pretty kind of Puppet-show Fight for ought I see; Oh! What mighty Honour and wonderful Glory will attend our Victory? I would have you only be a bare Spectator of this Fight, and for any thing else leave me and my men to deal with them. What men? said Pantagruel. Matter of Breviary, reply'd Fryar Ihon: How came Potiphar who was Head Cook of Pharoah's Kitchins, he that bought [Page 153] Joseph, and whom the said Joseph might have made a Cuckold, if he had not been [...] Joseph; how came he I say, to be made General of all the Horse in the Kingdom of Egypt? Why was Nabuzardan, King Nebuchadonezo [...]'s Head-Cook chosen, to the Exclusion of all other Captains, to besiege and destroy Jerusalem? I hear you, reply'd Pantagruel; By St. Christopher's Whiskers, said Fryar Ihon, I dare lay a Wager that it was because they had formerly engaged Ch [...]tterlings, or Men as little valu'd; whom to rout, conquer, and destroy, Cooks are without comparison, more si [...] than C [...]rassiers and Gens d' Armes arm'd at all Points, or all the Horse and Foot in the world.
You put me in mind said Pantagruel, of what is written amongst the Facetious and merry Sayings of Cicero. During the more than Civil Wars between Caesar and Pompey, tho' he was much Courted by the first he naturally lean'd more to the side of the latter; now one day, hearing that the Pompe [...]ans in a certain Rencontre had lost a great many Men, he took a Fancy to visit their Camp. There he perceiv'd little Strength, less Courage, but much disorder. From that time, foreseeing that things would go ill with them, as it since happen'd, he began to Banter now one and then another, and be very Free of his cutting Jests: so some of Pompey's Captains playing the good Fellows to shew their assurance, told him, Do you see how [Page 154] many Eagles we have yet? (They were then the Devise of the Romans in War) They might be of use to you, reply'd Cicero, if you had to do with Magpies.
Thus seeing we are to fight Chitterlings, pursued Pantagruel, you infer thence that it is a Culinary War, and have a mind to joyn with the Cooks. Well, do as you please. I'll stay here in the mean time, and wait for the event of the Battel.
Fryar Ihon went that very moment among the Sutlers into the Cooks Tents, and told them in a pleasing manner, I must see you Crown'd with Honour and Triumph this day, my Lads; To your Arms are reserv'd such Atchievments, as never yet were perform'd within the Memory of Man. Od's Belly, do they make nothing of the valiant Cooks? Let us go fight yonder fornicating Chitterlings, I'le be your Captain: But first let's drink, Boys— come on— Let us be of good Cheer. Noble Captain, return'd the Kitchin Tribe, this was spoken like your self, bravely offer'd: Huzza! we are all at your Excellency's Command, and will live and dye by you. Live, live, said Fryar Ihon, a God's Name; but dye by no means. That's the Chitterlings lot, they shall have their Belly full on't: Come on then, let us put our selves in Order; Nabuzardan's the word.
CHAP. XL. How Fryar Jhon fitted up the Sow; and of the Valiant Cooks that went into it.
THen by Fryar Jhon's Order the Engineers and their Work-men fitted up the great Sow that was in the Ship Leathern-Bottle. It was a wonderful Machine, so contriv'd, that by the means of large Engines that were round about it in Rows, it throw'd forked Iron Bars, and four squar'd Steel Boults; and in its Hold two hundred Men at least could easily fight, and be shelter'd. It was made after the Model of the Sow of Riole, by the means of which Bergerac was retaken from the English in the Reign of Charles the sixth.
Here are the Names of the Noble and Valiant Cooks who went into the Sow, as the Greeks did into the Trojan Horse.
- S [...]wre Sawoe.
- Sweet Meat.
- Greedy Gut.
- Licorish Chops.
- Sows'd Pork.
- Slap Sawce.
- Cock-Breth.
- S [...]ipstop.
- Crisp Pig.
- Greasy Slouch.
- Fatgut.
- Bray-mortar.
- Lick-sawce.
- Hog's Foot.
- Hodgepedge.
- Carlon [...]d [...]e.
- [Page 156] Sop in Pan.
- Pick-foul.
- Mustard-pot.
- Calfs Pluck.
- Hogs Haslet.
- Chopt-phiz.
- Gallymaufrey.
All these Noble Cooks in their Coat of Arms did bear in a Field Gules, a Larding-pin Vert, charg'd with a Chevron Argent.
- Lard, Hogs Lard.
- Nible Lard.
- Filch Lard.
- Fat Lard.
- Pinch Lard.
- Top Lard.
- Pick Lard.
- Save Lard.
- Snatch Lard.
- Gnaw Lard.
- Scrape Lard.
- Chew Lard.
Gaillard (by Syncope) born near Rambioullet: The said Culinary Doctor's name was Gaillard-lard; in the same manner as you use to Idolatrous for Idololatrous.
- Stiff Lard.
- Watch Lard.
- Sweet Lard.
- Eat Lard.
- Snap Lard.
- Catch Lard.
- Cut Lard.
- Mince Lard.
- Dainty Lard.
- Fresh Lard.
- Rusty Lard.
- Waste Lard.
- Ogl-Lard.
- Weigh Lard.
- Gulch Lard.
- Eye Lard.
Names unknown among the Marranes and Jews.
- [Page 157]Balloky.
- Pick Sallat.
- Broyl Rasher.
- Conny Skin.
- Dainty Chops:
- Pye Wright.
- Pudding-pan.
- Toss-pot.
- Mustard Sawce.
- Claret Sawce.
- Swill Broth.
- Thirsty.
- Kitchin Stuff.
- Verjuice.
- Save Dripping.
- Water-Creese.
- Scrape Turnip.
- Trivet.
- Mons [...]ur Rag [...]st.
- Crack P [...]pkin.
- Scrape Pot.
- Porridge Pot.
- Lick Dish.
- Salt Gullet.
- Snail Dresser.
- Sope-Monger.
- Brow [...]s Belly.
- Chine Picker.
- Suck Gravy.
- Macar [...]n.
- Scure Maker.
Smell-Smock, he was afterwards taken from the Kitchin and remov'd to Chamber Practice, for the Service of the Noble Cardinal Hunt Venison.
- Rot Rost.
- Dish [...]lout.
- Save Sewet.
- Fire Fumbler.
- Pillicock.
- Long Tool.
- Prick Pride.
- Prick-Madam.
- Pricket.
- Hogs Gullet.
- Sir Loyne.
- Spit Mutton.
- Friter Fryer.
- Flesh Smith.
- Cram Gut.
- Tuzzymussy.
- Jacket Liner.
- Guzzle Drink.
- [Page 158] Fox Tail.
- Fly Flap.
- Old Grizle.
- Ruff Belly.
- Saffron Sawce.
- Strutting Tom.
- Slash'd Snout.
- Smutty Face.
M [...]ndam that first invented Madam's Sawce, and for that discovery, was thus call'd in the Scotch-French Dialect.
- Loblolly
- Slabber Chops.
- Scum Pot.
- Gully Guts.
- Rinse Pot.
- Drink spiller.
- Sloven.
- Swallow [...]pitcher.
- Wafer-Monger.
- Snap Gobbet.
- Scurvy Phiz.
- Trencher-man.
- Goodman Goosecap.
- Munch Turnip.
- Pudding-bag.
- Pig-sticker.
Robert, he invented Robert's Sawce, so good and necessary for Roasted Coneys, Ducks, Fresh Pork, Poach'd Eggs, Salt Fish, and a thousand other such Dishes.
- Cold Eel.
- Thornback.
- Gurnard.
- Grumbling Gut.
- Alms-scrip.
- Taste all.
- Scrap Merchant.
- Belly timberman.
- Hashee.
- Frig palat.
- Powdering-tub.
- Frying-pan.
- Man-of Dough.
- Sawce-Doctor.
- Waste Butter.
- Shitbreech.
- Thick Brawn.
- Tom T—d.
- Mouldy Crust.
- Hasty.
- [Page 159] Red Herring.
- Cheese Cake.
- Big Snout.
- Lick-finger.
- Titt Bit.
- Sauce box.
- All Fou [...]s.
- Whimwham.
- Basterest.
- Gaping Horden.
- Calf Pinck.
- Leather Breeches.
All these Noble Cooks went into the Sow, Merry, Cheery, Hale, Brisk, old Dogs at Mischief, and ready to fight stoutly; Fryar Jhon, ever and anon waving his huge Scimiter, brought up the Reer, and double-lock'd the Doors on the inside.
CHAP. XLI. How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the Knees.
THe Chitterlings advanc'd so near, that Pantagruel perceiv'd that they stretched their Arms, and already began to charge their Lances, which caus'd him to send Gymnast to know what they meant, and why they thus, without the least provocation, came to fall upon their old trusty Friends, who had neither said nor done the least ill thing to them. Gymnast being advanc'd near their Front, bow'd very low, and said to them as loud as ever he could; We are Friends, we are Friends; all, all of us your [Page 160] Friends, yours, and at your command, we are for Carnaval your old Confederate. Some h [...]ve since told me, that he mistook and said Carnaval instead of Carnaval.
Whatever it was, that word was no sooner out of his Mouth, but a huge wild Squob-Saw [...]age, starting out of the Front of their main Body, would have grip'd him by the Collar. By the Helmet of Mars, said Gymna [...]t. I'll swallow thee, but thou shalt only come in in chips and slices; for, big as thou art, thou could'st never come in whole. This spoke, he lugs out his trusty Sword, Kiss-mine-Arse, (so he call'd it) with both his Fists, and cut the Sawsage in twain. Bless me, how [...] the soul Thief was! It puts me in mind of the huge Bull of Berne that was slain at Ma [...]ignan when the drunken Switzers were so mawl'd there. Believe me, it had little less than four inches Lard on its Paunch.
The Sawsage's job being done, a Crowd of others flew upon Gymnast, and had most scurvily drag'd him down, when Pantagruel with his Men came up to his relief. Then began the Martial Fray, higledy pickledy. Mawi Chitterling did mawl Chitterlings, Cut Pudding did cut Puddings; Pantagruel did break the Chitterlings at the Knees; Fryar Jhon play'd at least in sight within his Sow, viewing and observing all things; when the the Patty-pans that lay in Ambuscado, most furiously sallied out upon Pantagruel.
[Page 161]Fryar Jhon, who lay snug all this while, by that time perceiving the Rout and Hurlyburly, set open the doors of his Sow, and sallied out with his merry Greeks, some of them arm'd with Iron Spits, others with Andirons, Racks, Fire-Slovel [...], Frying-pans, Kettles, Grid Irons, Oven-Forks, Tongs, Dripping-pans, Brooms, Iron-pots, Mortars, Pestles, all in Battle array like so many House breakers, hollowing and roaring out all together most frightfully, Nabuzardan, nabuzardan, nabuzardan. Thus shouting and hooting they fought like Dragons, and charg'd through the Patty pans, and Sawsages. The Chitterlings perceiving this [...]sh reinforcement, and that the others would be too hard for 'em, betook themselves to their Heels, scampering off with full speed, as if the Devil had been come for them. Fryar Jhon with an Iron Crow knock'd them down as [...]ast as Haps; his Men too were not sparing on their side. O! What a woeful sight it was! The field was all over strow'd with heaps of dead or wounded Chitterlings; and History relates, that had not Heaven had a hand in it▪ the Chitterling Tribe had been [...] tally [...]uted out of the World, by the Culinary Champions. But there happen [...]d a wonderful thing, you may believe as little or as much of it as you please.
From the North flew towards us a huge fat, thick, grizly Swine, with long and large [Page 162] Wings like those of a Windmil, its Plume [...] red Crimson, like those of a Phenicoptere (which in Languedoc they call Flaman) its Eyes were red and flaming like a Carbuncle, its Ears green like a Prasin Emerald, its Teeth like a Topaze, its Tail long and black like Jet, its Feet white, diaphanous, and transparent like a Diamond, somewhat broad and of the splay-kind, like those of Geese, and as Queen Dick's us'd to be at Tholose in the days of Yore. About its Neck it wore a Gold Collar round which were some Ionian Characters, whereof I could pick out but two words ΣΥΣ AΘHNAN: Hog teaching Minerva.
The Sky was clear before, but at that Monster's appearance, it chang'd so mightily for the worse, that we were all amaz'd at it. As soon as the Chitterlings perceiv'd the s [...]ing Hog, down they all threw their Weapons and fell on their Knees, lifting up their Hands joyn'd together, without speaking one word, in a posture of Adoration. Fryar Jhon and his Party kept on mincing, felling, braining, mangling, and spitting the Chitterlings like mad▪ But Pantagruel sounded a Retreat, and all Hostility ceas'd.
The Monster, having several times hover'd backwards and forwards between the two A [...]mies, with a Tail-shot voided above twenty seven B [...]s of Mustard on the ground; then flew away through the Air, crying all the while, Carnaval, Carnaval, Carnaval.
CHAP. XLII. How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphleseth Queen of the Chitterlings.
THE Monster being out of sight, and the two Armies remaining silent, Pantagruel demanded a parly with the Lady Niphleseth, Queen of the Chitterlings who was in her Chariot by the Standards, and it was easily granted. The Queen alighted, cou [...]teously receiv'd Pantagruel, and was glad to see him. Pantagruel complain'd to her of this Breach of Peace: But she civilly made her excuse, telling him that a false information had caused all this mischief, her Spies having brought her word, that Shrovetide their mortal foe was landed, and spent his time in examining the Urin of Physet [...]res.
She therefore intreated him to pard [...] them their offence, telling him, that Si [...] reverence was sooner found in Chitterling▪ than Gall, and offering, for her self and [...] her successors, to hold of him, and his, [...] whole Island and Country, to ob [...]y him [...] all his Commands, be friends to his [...] and foes to his foes: And also to [...]d ev [...]ry Year, as an acknowledgment of [...] [...]mage, [Page 164] a tribute of seventy eight thousand Royal Chitterlings, to serve him at his first Course at Table, six months in the Year; which was punctually perform'd. For, the next day, she sent the aforesaid quantity of Royal Chitterlings, to the good Gargantua, under the Conduct of young Niphleseth, Infanta of the Island.
The good Gargantua made a Present of them to the great King of Paris. But by cha [...]ge of Air, and for want of Mustard (the natural Balsam and restorer of Chitterling [...] most of them dyed. By the great Kings particular Grant they were buried in [...]aps, in a part of Paris, to this day call|'d La [...]e pa [...]e d' Andouilles, The Street pav [...]d with Chitterlings. At the request of the Ladies at his Court, young Niphleseth was preserv'd, honourably us'd, and since that married to heart's content; and was the Mother of many Children, for which heaven be prais'd.
Pantagruel civilly thank'd the Queen, forgave all Offences, refus'd the offer she had made of her Country, and gave her a pretty little Knife; after that, he ask'd several nice Questions concerning the Apparition of that [...]lyi [...]g H [...]g? she answer'd that it was the Id [...]a of Carnaval their Tutelary God in time of War, first Founder, and Original of all the Chitterling race, for which Reason he [Page 165] resembled a Hog, for Chiterlings drew their extraction from Hogs.
Pantagruel asking to what purpose, and curative Indication he had voided so much Mustard on the Earth? The Queen reply [...]d, that Mustard was their Sang-real, and c [...]lestial Balsam, of which laying but a little in the wounds of the fallen Chitterlings, in a very short time the wounded were heal'd, and the dead restor'd to life. Pantagruel held no further discourse with the Queen, but retir'd a ship board. The like did all the Bon Companions with their Implements of Destruction and their huge Sow.
CHAP. XLIII. How Pantagruel went into the Island of Ruach.
TWO days after, we arriv'd at the Island of Ruach; and I swear to you by the Celestial Hen and Chickens that I found the way of living of the People [...]o strange and wonderfull, that I can't for the hearts Blood of me half tell it you. They live on nothing but Wind, eat nothing but Wind, and drink nothing but Wind. They have [Page 166] no other Houses but weather-cocks. They sow no other seeds but the three sorts of Windflowers, Rue, and herbs that may make One break wind to the purpose, these scowre them off carefully. The common sort of People to feed themselves, make use of feather, paper, or linnen Fans, according to their Abilities; as for the Rich they live by the means of Wind-mills.
When they wou'd have some noble Treat, the Tables are spread under one or two Wind-mills. There they feast as merry as beggars, and during the Meal, their whole talk is commonly of the goodness, excellency salubrity and rarity of Winds, as you, jolly Topers, in your cups Philosophize and Argue upon Wines. The one praises the South-east, the other the South-west. This the West and by South, and this the East and by North; another the West, and another the East, and so of the rest. As for Lovers, and amorous Sparks, no Gale for them like a sm [...]ck Gale: For the sick, they use Bellows, as we use Clysters among us.
Oh! (said to me a little diminutive swoln Bubble) that I had now but a bladderfull of that same good Languedoc Wind, which they call Cierce: The famous Physician Scur [...]n passing one day by this Country, was telling us that it is so strong that it will make nothing of overturning a loaded Waggon: Oh! What good would it not [Page 167] do my oedipodic Legg. The biggest are not the best, but, said Panurge, rather would I had here a large Butt of that same good Languedoc Wine that grows at Mireveux, Canteperdrix, and Frontignan.
I saw a good likely sort of a Man there, much resembling Ventrose, tearing and fuming in a grievous Fret, with a tall burly Groom, and a pimping little Page of his laying them on, like the Devil, with a buskin: Not knowing the cause of his anger, at first I thought that all this was by the Doctor's advice, as being a thing very healthy to the Master to be in a Passion, and to his Man to be bang'd for't. But at last I heard him taxing his Man with stealing from him, like a Rogue as he was, the better half of a large leathern Bag of an excellent southerly Wind, which he had carefully lay'd up, like a hidden Reserve, against the cold weather.
They neither Exonerate, Piss, nor Spit in that Island, but to make amends they belch, fizle, funk, and give Tailshots in abundance. They are troubled with all manner of distempers: And indeed all distempers are engendred and proceed from Ventosities, as Hippocrates demonstrates, lib. de Flatibus. But the most epidemical among them, is the wind-Colick. The remedies which they use are large Blisters, whereby they void store of Windiness. They all dye [Page 168] of Dropsies, and Tympanies, the Men farting, and the Women sizling, so that their Soul takes her leave at the back door.
Some time after, walking in the Island, we met Three hare-brain'd airy Fellows, who seem'd mightily pufft up, and wert to take their pastime, and view the P [...] vers who live on the same die [...]as themselves, and abound in the Island. I observ'd that, as you, true Topers, when you travell carry flasks, leathern bottles, and small runlets along with you, so each of them had at his girdle a pretty little pair of bellows. If they happen'd to want wind, by the help of those pretty bellows they immediately drew some fresh and cool by Attraction and Reciprocal Expulsion: For, as you well know, Wind, essentially defin'd, is nothing but fluctuating and agitated Air.
A while after we were commanded in the King's name not to receive for three hours any Man or Women of the Country on board our ships. Some having stole from him a rousing fart of the very individual Wind which old Goodman Aeolus the Snoarer gave Ʋlysses, to Conduct his Ship, when ever it should happen to be becalm'd▪ which fart the King kept religiously [...] another Sangreal, and perform'd a wo [...]d of wonderfull cures with it, in many dangerous deseases, letting loose and distribu [...]ing to the Patient only as much of it as might [Page 169] frame a Virginal Fart. That is, if you must know, what our Sanctimonials alias Nuns in their Dialect call ringing backwards.
CHAP. XLIV. How a small Rain lays a high Wind.
PAntagruel commended their Government and way of living, and said to their Hypenemian Mayor, If you approve Epicurus's Opinion, placing the summum bonum in pleasure (I mean pleasure that's easie and free from toil) I esteem you happy; for your Food being Wind, costs you little or nothing; since you need but blow. True, Sir, return'd the Mayor, but alas, nothing is perfect here below: For too often when we are at Table feeding on some good blessed Wind of God, as on Celestial Manna, merry as so many Fryars, down drops on a sudden some small Rain, which lays! our Wind, and so robs us of it; thus many a Meal lost for want of Meat.
Just so, quoth Panurge, Jenin Toss-pot of Quinquenois evacuating some Wine of his own burning on his Wife's Posteriors, laid the ill fum'd Wind that blow'd out of their Centre as out of some Magisterial Aeolipyle. Here's a kind of a Whim on that Subject which I made formerly.
We are also plagu'd yearly with a very great Calamity, cry'd the Mayor; for a Giant call'd Widenostrils, who lives in the Island of Tohu, comes hither every spring, to purge by the advice of his Physicians, and swallows us, like so many Pills, a great number of Windmils and of Bellows also, at which his Mouth waters exceedingly.
Now this is a sad Mortification to us here, who are fain to fast over three or four whole Lents every year for this, besides certain petty Lents, Ember-Weeks, and other Orison and Starving-tides. And have you no Remedy for this, ask'd Pantagruel? By the advice of our Mezarims, reply'd the Mayor, about the time that he uses to give us a Visit, we Garison our Windmills with good store of Cocks and Hens. So the first time that the greedy [Page 171] Thief swallow'd them, they had like to have done his business at once, for they crow'd and cackl'd in his Maw, and flutter'd up and down athwart and along in his Stomach, which threw the Glutton into an Lipothymy, Cardiac Passion, and dreadful and dangerous Convulsions, as if some Serpent creeping in at his Mouth, had been frisking in his Stomach.
Here is a comparative as altogether incongruous and impertinent, cry'd Fryar Jhon, interrupting them, for I have formerly heard, that if a Serpent chance to get into a Man's Stomach, it will not do him the least hurt, but will immediately get out, if you do but hang the Patient by the Heels, and lay a pan full of warm Milk near his Mouth. You were told this, said Pantagruel, and so were those who gave you this account; but none ever saw or read of such a Cure. On the contrary, Hippocrates, in his fifth Book of Epidem. writes, That such a case happening in his time, the Patient presently died of a Spasm and Convulsion.
Besides the Cocks and Hens, said the Mayor continuing his Story, all the Foxes in the Country whip'd into Widenostril's Mouth, posting after the Poultry, which made such a stir with Reynard at their Heels, that he grievously fell into Fits each minute of an hour.
At last by the advice of a Baden Enchanter, at the time of the Paroxysm, he us'd to [Page 172] flea a Fox, by way of Antidote: Since that he took better advice, and easies himself with taking a Clyster made with a Decoction of Wheat and Barly-Corns, and of Livers of Goslins; to the first of which the Poultry run, and the Foxes to the latter. Besides, he swallows some of your Badgers or Fox-Dogs by the way of Pills and Bolus's. This is our misfortune.
Cease to fear, good People, cry'd Pantagruel, This huge Widenostrils, this same Swallower of Windmills, is no more, I'll assure you; he dy'd, being stifled and choak'd with eating a lump of fresh Butter, at the Mouth of a hot Oven by the advice of his Physicians.
CHAP. XLV. How Pantagruel went ashoar in the Island of Pope Figg-land.
THe next morning, we arrived at the Island of Popefiggs, formerly a rich and free People call'd the Gaillardets, but now alas miserably poor, and under the Yoke of the Papimen. The occasion of it was this.
On a certain yearly high Holy-day, the Burger-Master, Syndies and topping Rabbies of the Gaillardets chanc'd to go into the Neighbouring [Page 173] Island of Papimany to see the Festival, and pass away the time. Now one of them having espy'd the Pope's Picture (with the sight of which, according to a laudable Custom, the People were bless'd on High-offering, Holy-days) made mouths at it and cry'd, a Fig for't, as a sign of manifest Contempt and Derision. To be reveng'd of this Affront, the Papimen some days after, without giving the others the least warning, to [...]k Arms, and surpriz'd, destroy'd, and ruin'd the whole Island of the Gaillardets, putting the Men to the Sword, and sparing none but the Women and Children, and those too only on Condition to do what the Inhabitants of Milan were condemn'd to, by the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa.
These had rebell'd against him in his absence, and ignominiously turn'd the Empress out of the City, mounting her a Horse-back on a Mule call'd Thacor, with her Breech foremost toward the Old jaded Mules head, and her Face turn'd towards the Crupper: Now, Frederick being return'd, master'd them, and caus'd so careful a Search to be made, that he found out, and got the famous Mule Thacor. Then the Hang-man by his order, clap'd a Fig into the Mules Jim-crack, in the Presence of the inslav'd Citts that were brought into the middle of the great Market-Place, and proclaim'd, in the Emperor's Name, with Trumpets, that whosoever of them would [Page 174] save his own Life, should publickly pull the Fig out with his Teeth, and after that put it in again in the very individual Cranny whence he had draw'd it, without using his hands; and that whoever refus'd to do this, should presently swing for't, and die in his Shoes. Some sturdy Fools, standing upon their Punctilio, chose Honourably to be hang'd rather than submit to so shameful, and abominable a Disgrace; and others, less nice in Point of Ceremony, took heart of Grace, and ev'n resolv'd to have at the Fig, and a Fig for't, rather than make a worse Figure with a hempen Collar, and die in the Air, at so short Warning: accordingly when they had neatly pick'd out the Fig with their Teeth from old Thacor's Snatch-blatch, they plainly show'd it the Heads-man, saying, Ecco lo fico, (behold the Fig.)
By the same Ignominy the rest of these poor distress'd Guallardets sav'd their Bacon, b [...]coming Tributaries and Slaves, and the Name of Pope-Figs was given them, because they had said, A Fig for the Pope [...]s Image. Since this, the poor Wretches never prosper'd, but every year the Devil was at their Doors, and they were plagu'd with Hail, Storms, Famine and all manner of Woes, as an everlasting Punishment for the Sin of their Ancestors and Relations. Perceiving the Misery and Calamity of that Generation, we did not care to go further up into the Country, [Page 175] contenting our selves with going into a little Chappel near the Haven to take some Holy water. It was dilapidated and ruin'd, wanting also a Cover (like St. Peter at Rome) When we were in, as we dip'd our Fingers in the sanctifi'd Cistern, we spy'd in the middle of that Holy Pickle a Fellow muffled up with Stoles all under water, like a diving Duck, except the tip of his Snout to draw his Breath. About him, stood three Priests, true shavelings, clean shorn and poli'd, who were muttering strange words to the Devils out of a Conjuring Book.
Pantagruel was not a little amaz'd at this, and, inquiring what kind of sport these were at, was told, that, for Three years last past, the Plague had so dreadfully rag'd in the Island, that the better half of it had been utterly depopulated, and the Lands lay Fallow without Owners. Now the mortality being over, this same Fellow, who was crept into the Holy Tub, having a large piece of Ground; chanc'd to be Sowing it with White winter Wheat; at the very minute of an hour that a kind of a Silly sucking Devil, who could not yet Write or Read, or Hail and Thunder, unless it were on Parsly or Colworts, had got leave of his Master Lucifer to go into this Island of Pope-figs, where the Devils were very familiar with the Men and Women, and often went to take their Pastime.
[Page 176]This same Devil being got thither, di [...] cted his Discourse to the Husband-man, and ask'd him what he was doing. The poor Man told him, that he was Sowing this ground with Corn to help him to subsist the next year. Ay, but the Ground is none of thine, Mr. Plough [...]obber, cry'd the [...] Devil, but mine: For, since the time that you mock'd the Pope, all this Land has been proscrib'd, adjudg'd, and abandon'd to us. However, to sow Corn is not my Province; therefore I will give thee leave to sow the Field; that is to say, provided we share the Profit. I will, reply'd the Farmer. I mean, said the Devil, that, of what the Land shall bear, two Lots shall be made, one of what shall grow above Ground, the other of what shall be cover'd with Earth; the right of chusing belongs to me, for I am a Devil of noble and ancient Race; thou art a base Clown. I therefore chuse what shall lye under ground, take thou what shall be above. When dost thou reckon to reap, hah? About the middle of July, quoth the Farmer. Well, said the Devil, I'll not fail thee then: In the mean time, slave as thou oughtest. Work, Clown, wo [...]k: I am going to tempt to the pleasing Sin of whoring, the Nuns of D [...]fart, the Sham-saints of the Cowle, and the Gluttonish Crew; I am more than sure of these. There needs but meet, and the Job's done; true Fire and Tinder, touch and take; down falls Nun, and up gets Fryar.
CHAP. XLVI. How a Junior Devil was fool'd by a Husband-man of Pope-Figland.
ON the middle of July, the Devil came to the place aforesaid, with all his Crew at his Heels, a whole Quire of the younger Fry of Hell, and having met the Farmer, said to him; Well, Clod-pate, how hast thou done, since I went? Thou and I must now share the Concern. Ay Master Devil, quoth the Clown, 'tis but reason we should. Then he and his Men began to cut and reap the Corn: And on the other side the Devil's Imps fell to work, grubbing up, and pulling out the stubble by the Root.
The Country-man had his Corn thrash'd, Winnow'd it, put it into Sacks, and went with it to Market. The same did the Devil's Servants, and sate them down there by the Man, to sell their Straw. The Countryman sold off his Corn at a good rate, and with the Money fill'd an old kind of a Demy-Buskin, which was fasten'd to his Girdle; but the Devil a Sous the Devils took; far from taking Hansel, they were flouted, and jeer'd by the Country Louts.
Market being over, quoth the Devil to the Farmer, well Clown thou hast chous'd me once, 'tis thy Fault; chouse me twice, 'twill [Page 178] be mine. Nay, good Sir Devil, reply'd the Farmer, how can I be said to have chous'd you since 'twas your worship that chose first. The truth is that by this trick you thought to cheat me, hoping that nothing would spring out of the Earth for my share, and that you should find whole under ground the Corn which I had sow'd, and with it tempt the poor and needy, the close Hypocrite, or the Covetous Gripe, thus making them fall into your snares. But troth, you must e'n go to School yet, you are no Conjurer, for ought I see: For, the Corn that was sow'd is dead and rotten, its Corruption having caus'd the generation of that which you saw me sell: so you chose the worst, and therefore are curs'd in the Gospel. Well, talk no more on't, quoth the Devil: what can'st thou sow our Field with for next Year? If a Man would make the best on't, answer'd the Ploughman, 'twere fit he sow it with Radish. Now cry'd the Devil, thou talkst like an honest Fellow, Bumpkin, well, sow me good store of Radish, I'll see and keep them safe from storms, and will not hail a bit on them; but harke 'e me, this time I bespeak for my share what shall be above ground, what's under shall be thine: Drudge on, Looby, drudge on. I am going to tempt hereticks, their Souls are dainty victuals when broil'd in Rashers and well powder'd. My Lord Lucifer has the [Page 179] griping in the guts, they'l make a dainty warm dish for his Honour's Maw.
When the season of Radishes was come, our Devil fail'd not to meet in the Field with a train of rascally underlings, all waiting Devils, and finding there the Farmer and his Men, he began to cut and gather the Leaves of the Radishes. After him the Farmer with his Spade digg'd up the Radishes, and clapt them up into pouches. This done, the Devil, the Farmer, and their gangs hy'd them to Market, and there [...] Farmer presently made good Mony of his R [...]dishes; but the poor Devil took nothing, nay what was worse he was made a common laughing stock by the gaping hoydons. I see thou hast play'd me a scurvy trick, thou villainous Fellow, (cry'd the angry Devil,) at last I am fully resolv'd e'en to make an end of the business between thee and my self about the Ground, and these shall be the Terms; we'll chapperclaw each [...] and whoever of us two shall first [...] shall quit his share of the Field, whic [...] [...] wholly belong to the Conqueror. I [...] Time for this Tryal of Skill on thi [...] [...] [...]night. Assure thy self that I'll cla [...] [...] off like a Devil. I was going to temp [...] [...] Fornicators, Bayliffs, Perplexers of [...] Scriveners, forgers of Deeds, two-handed Counsellors, prevaricating Sollicitors, and other such vermine; but they were so civ [...] [Page 180] as to send me word by an Interpreter, that they are all mine already: Besides, our Master Lucifer is so cloy'd with their Souls, that he often sends them back to the smutty Scullions and slovenly Devils, of his Kitchin, and they scarce go down with him, unless now and then, when they are high-season'd.
Some say there is no Breakfast like a Student's, no dinner like a Lawyer's, no afternoon's nunchion like a Vintner's, no supper like a Tradesman's, no second supper like a serving Wench's, and none of these Meals together like a frockifi'd Hobgoblin's. All this is true enough; accordingly at my Lord Lucifer's first Course Hobgoblings, alias Imps in Cowles, are a standing Dish. He willingly us'd to breakfast on Students; but alas, I do not know by what Ill Luck, they have of late years joyn'd the holy Bible to their Studies; so the Devil a one we can get down among us, and I verily believe that unless the Hypocrites of the Tribe of Levi help us in it; taking from the inlightned Book-mongers their St. Paul, either by Threats, Revilings, Force, Violence, Fire and Faggot, we shall not be able to hook-in any more of them, to nibble at below. He dines commonly on Counsellors, Mischief-mongers, Multiplyers of Lawsuits, such as wrest and pervert Right and Law, and Grind and Fleece the Poor: [Page 181] He never fears to want any of these. But who can endure to be wedded to a Dish?
He said t'other Day at a full Chapter, that he had a great mind to eat the Soul of one of the Fraternity of the Cowle that had forgot to speak for himself, in his Sermon, and he promis'd double Pay, and a large Pension, to any one that should bring him such a Tit-bit piping-hot. We all went a hunting after such a Rarity, but came home without the Prey; for they all admonish the good Women to remember their Convent. As for afternoon Nunchions, he has left them off, since he was so wofully grip'd with the Colic, his Fosterers, Sutlers, Char-Coalmen, and boyling Cooks having been sadly mawl'd and pepper'd off in the Northern Countries.
His high Devil-ship sups very well on Tradesmen, Usurers, Apothecaries, Cheats, Coyners, and Adulterers of Wares. Now and then when he is on the merry pin, his second supper is of serving Wenches who, after they have by stealth soak'd their Faces with their Masters good Liquor, fill up the Vessel with it at second hand, or with other stinking Water.
Well, drudge on, Boor, drudge on; I am going to tempt the Students of Trebisonde, to leave Father and Mother, forgo for ever the establish'd and common rule of living; disclaim and free themselves from [Page 182] obeying their lawfull Sovereign's Edicts, live in absolute Liberty, proudly despise every one, laugh at all Mankind, and taking the fine jovial little Cap of Poetic License, become so many pretty Hobgoblins.
CHAP. XLVII. How the Devil was deceiv'd by an Old Woman of Popefig-land.
THE Country Lob trudg'd home very much concern'd and thoughtfull, you may swear; in so much that his good Woman, seeing him thus look moping, ween'd that something had been stolen from him at market; but when she had heard the cause of his affliction, and seen his Budget well lin'd with Coyn, she bad him be of good Cheer, assuring him that he'd be never the worse for the scratching Bout in question, wishing him only to leave her to manage that business and not trouble his head about it: for she had already contriv'd how to bring him off cleaverly. Let the worst, come to the worst, said the Husbandman, it will be but a scratch, for I'll yield at the first stroke, and quit the Field. Quit a Fa [...]t reply'd the Wife, he shall have none of the [Page 183] Field, rely upon me and be quiet, let me alone to deal with him. You say he's a pimping little Devil, that's enough; I'll soon make him give up the Field, I'll warrant you: Indeed had he been a great Devil, it had been somewhat.
The day that we landed in the Island happen'd to be that which the Devil had fix'd for the Combat. Now the Countryman, having like a good Catholic very fairly confessed himself and received, betimes in the morning, by the advice of his Vicar had hid himself, all but the snout, in the holy Water-stock in the Posture in which we found him: And just as they were telling us this story, News came that the old Woman had fool'd the Devil, and gain'd the Field: You may not be sorry perhaps to hear how this happen'd.
The Devil, you must know, came to the poor Man's Door and rapping there, cry'd so hoe, ho the House, hoe Clod-pate, where art thou? Come out with a vengance, come out with a wannion, come out and be damn'd; now for clawing; then briskly and resolutely entring the House, and not finding the Country Man there, he spy'd his Wife lying on the ground pitiously weeping and howling: What's the matter? ask'd the Devil, where is he? What does he? Oh! that I knew where he is, reply'd Threescore and five, the wicked Rogue, the Butcherly Dog, the [Page 184] Murtherer? He has spoyl'd me, I am undone, I dye of what he has done me. How, cry'd the Devil, what is it? I'll tickle him off for you by and by. Alas cry'd the old Dissembler, he told me, the Butcher, the Tyrant, the Tearer of Devils, that he had made a match to scratch with you this Day, and to try his Clawes, he did but just touch me with his little Finger, here betwixt the Legs, and has spoyl'd me for ever. Oh! I am a dead Woman, I shall never be my self again: do but see! nay and besides he talk'd of going to the Smiths to have his Pounces sharpen'd and pointed. Alas you are undone, Mr. Devil; good Sir, scamper quick [...]y, I am sure he won't stay; save your self, I beseech you: While she said this, she uncover'd her self up to the Chin, after the manner in which the Persian Women met their Children, who fled from the fight, and plainly shew'd her What de'e call them. The frighted Devil, seeing the enormous Solution of the Continuity in all its dimensions, blest himself, cry'd out, Mahon, Demiourgon, Megaera, Alecto, Persephone: s'Life, catch me here when he comes! I am gon, s'Death what a gash! I resign him the Field.
Having heard the Catastrophe of the Story, we retired a ship-board not being willing to stay there any longer. Pantagruel gave to the Poors-Box of the Fabrick of the Church, [Page 185] eighteen thousand gold Royals in commiseration of the Poverty of the People, and the Calamity of the place.
CHAP. XLVIII. How Pantagruel went ashoar at the Island of Papimany.
HAving left the desolate Island of the Popefigs, we sailed for the space of a day very fairly and merrily, and made the blessed Island of Papimany. As soon as we had dropt Anchor in the Road, before we had well-moor'd our Ship with ground Tackle, four Persons in different Garbs row'd towards us in a Skiff. One of them was dress'd like a Monk in his Frock, draggle-tail'd and Booted: The other like a Falkoner with a Lure and a long-wing'd Hawk on his Fist: the third like a Sollicitor, with a large Bag, full of Informations, Subpoena's, Breviates Bill [...], Writs, Cases, and other Implements of Pettifogging. The fourth look'd like one of your Vine Barbers about Orleans, with a [...]an [...]e pair of Canvass Trowzers, a Dosser and a Pruning Knife at his Girdle.
As soon as the Boat had clap'd them on Board, they all with one Voice ask'd, Have you seen him, good Passengers, have you seen him? Who, ask'd Pantagruel? You [Page 186] know who, answer'd they. Who is it, ask'd Fryar Jhon, 'sblood and [...]onds, I'll thrash him thick and threefold? This he said, thinking that they enquir'd after some Robber, Murtherer, or Church-breaker. Oh wonderful, cry'd the four, do not you foreign People know the One? Sirs, reply'd Epistemon, we do not understand those Terms; but if you will be pleas'd to let us know who you mean, we'll tell you the truth of the matter without any more ado. We mean, said they, he that is; did you ever see him? He that is, return'd Pantagruel, according to our Theological Doctrine, is God, who said to Moses, I am that I am: We never saw him, nor can he be beheld by Mortal Eyes. We meant nothing less than that supream God who rules in Heaven, reply'd they, we spoke of the God on Earth, did you ever see him? Upon my Honour, cry'd Carpalim, they mean the Pope. Ay, ay, answer'd Panurge, yea verily, Gentlemen, I have seen three of them, whose sight has not much better'd me. How! cry [...]d they, our Sacred Decreta [...]s inform us, that there never is more than one living. I mean successively, one after the other, return'd Panurge; otherwise I never saw more than one at a time.
O thrice and four times happy People, cry'd they, you are welcom and more than double-welcom! They then kneel'd down before us and would have kiss'd our Feet, but [Page 187] we would not suffer it, telling them, that, should the Pope come thither in his own Person, 'tis all they could do to him. No, certainly, answer'd they, for we have already resolv'd upon the matter. We would kiss his bare Arse, without boggling at it, and eke his two Pounders; for he has a pair of them, the Holy Father, that he has; we find it so by our fine Decretals, otherwise he could not be Pope. So that according to our subtile Decretalin Philosophy, this is a necessary Consequence; he is Pope, therefore he has Genitories; and, should Genitories no more be found in the World, the World could no more have a Pope.
While they were talking thus, Pantagruel enquir'd of one of their Coxswain's Crew, who those Persons were? he answer'd, that they were the four Estates of the Island, and added that we should be made as welcom as Princes, since we had seen the Pope. Panurge having been acquainted with this by Pantagruel, said to him in his Ear, I swear and vow, Sir, 'tis even so, he that has patience may compass any thing. Seeing the Pope had done us no good, now in the Devil's name, 'twill do us a great deal. We then went ashoar, and the whole Country, Men, Women and Children came to meet us as in a solemn Procession. Our four Estates cry'd out to them with a loud voice; they have seen him, they have seen him, they have seen [Page 188] him. That Proclamation being made, all the Mob kneeled down before us, lifting up their Hands towards Heaven, and crying; O happy Men! O most happy. And this Acclamation lasted above a quarter of an hour.
Then came the Busby of the place with all his Pedagogues, Usher's, and School boys, whom he Magisterially flogg'd, as they us'd to whip Children in our Country, formerly when some Criminal was hang'd, that they might remember it. This displeas'd Pantagruel, who said to them; Gentlemen, if you do not leave off whipping these poor Children, I'm gone. The People were amaz'd hear- his Stentorean voice; and I saw a little Hump with long Fingers, say to the Hypodidascal; what! In the name of Wonder, do all those that see the Pope grow as tall as yon [...]ge Fellow that threatens us? Ah! How I shall think time long, till I have seen him too, that I may grow and look as big. In short, the Acclamations were so great, that H [...]menas (so they call their Bishop) hasten'd thi [...]her on an unbridled Mule, with green Trappings, attended by his Aposts (as they [...]aid) and his Supposts or Officers, bearing Crosses, Banners, Standards, Canopies, Torches, Holy-water pots, &c. He too wanted to kiss our Feet (as the good Christian Va [...]sinter did to Pope Clement) saying, that one of their [...]oth [...]tes, that's one of the Scavengers, [Page 189] Scowrers and Commentators of their Holy Decretals, had written, that, in the same manner as the Messiah, so long and so much expected by the Jews, at last appear'd among them; so on some happy day of God the Pope would come into that Island; and that, while they waited for that blessed time, if any who had seen him at Rome, or elsewhere, chanc'd to come among them, they should be sure to make much of them, feast them plentifully, and Treat them with a great deal of Reverence. However we civilly desir'd to be excus'd.
CHAP. XLIX. How Homenas Bishop of Papimany shew'd us the Uranopet Decretals.
HOmenas then said to us: 'Tis enjoyn'd us by our Holy Decretals to visit Churches first, and Taverns after. Therefore not to decline that fine Institution, let us go to Church; we shall afterwards go to Feast our selves. Man of God, quoth Fryar Jhon, do you go before, we'll follow you, you spoke in the matter properly and like a good Christian, 'tis long since we saw any such. For my part, this rejoyces my mind very much, and I verily believe that I shall have the better Stomach after it; well, 'tis a happy thing [Page 190] to meet with good Men! Being come near the Gate of the Church, we spy'd a huge thick Book, gilt and covered all over with precious Stones, as Rubies Emeralds, and Pearls, more, or at least as valuable as those which Augustus consecrated to Jupiter Capitolinus. This Book hang'd in the Air, being fasten'd with two thick Chains of Gold to the Zoophore of the Porch. We look'd on it, and admir'd it. As for Pantagruel he handled it, and dandled it, and turn'd it as he pleas'd, for he could reach it without straining; and he protested, that whenever he touch'd it, he was seiz'd with a pleasant tickling at his Fingers end, new Life and Activity in his Arms, and a violent temptation in his Mind to beat one or two Sergeants or such Officers, provided they were not of the Shaveling-kind. Homenas then said to us, The Law was formerly given to the Jews by Moses, written by God himself; at Delphos before the Portal of Apol [...]o's Temple, this Sentence, [...], was found written with a Divine Hand, and sometime after it was also seen, and as Divinely written and transmitted from Heaven. Cybele's Shrine was brought out of Heaven into a Field call'd Penisunt in Phrygia; so was that of D [...]a to Tauris, if you will believe Euripides; the Oriflambe, or Holy Standard was transmitted out of Heaven to the Noble and most Christian Kings of France to fight against the Unbelievers. [Page 191] In the Reign of Numa Pompilius, second King of the Romans, the famous Copper Buckler call'd Ancile was seen to descend from Heaven. At Acropolis near Athens, Minerva's Statue formerly fell from the Empyreal Heaven. In like manner the sacred Decretals, which you see, were written with the hand of an Angel of the Cherubin-kind; you Outlandish People will hardly believe this, I fear? Little enough of Conscience; said Panurge.— And then, continued Homenas, they were miraculously transmitted to us here from the very Heaven of Heavens in the same manner as the River Nile is call'd Diipetes by Homer the Father of all Philosophy (the holy Decretals always excepted.) Now because you have seen the Pope, their Evangelist and everlasting Protector, we will give you leave to see and kiss them on the Inside, if you think it meet. But then you must fast Three days before, and Canonically confess, nicely and strictly mustering up, and inventorising your Sins great and small, so thick that one single Circumstance of them may not sc [...]pe you, as our holy Decretals, which you see, direct. This will take up some time. Man of God, answer'd Panurge, we have seen and descry'd Decrees and eke Decretals enough o' Conscience, some on Paper other on Parchment fine and gay like any painted Paper Lantern, some on Vellom, some in Manuscript, and others in Print; so you need not take half this Pains to shew us these. [Page 192] We'll take the Good-will for the Deed, and thank you as much as if we had. Ay Marry, said Homenas, but you never saw these that are Angelically written. Those in your Country, are only Transcripts from ours, as we find it written by one of our old Decretaline Scoliasts. For me; Do not spare me, I do not value the Labour, so I may serve you; do but tell me whether you will be confest, and fast only three short little days of God? As for shriving, answer'd Panurge, there can be no great harm in't, but this same Fasting, Master of mine, will hardly down with us at this time; for we have so very much over-fasted our selves at Sea, that the Spiders have spun their Cobwebs over our Grinders. Do but look on this good Fryar Ihon des Entomeures (Homenas then courteously Demy-clipp'd him about the Neck) some Moss is growing in his Throat for want of bestirring and exercising his Chaps. He speaks the Truth, vouch'd Fryar Ihon, I have so much fasted, that I'm almost grown hump-shoulder'd. Come then, let's go into the Church, said Homenas, and pray forgive us if for the Present we do not sing you a fine high Mass: The hour of Mid-day is past, and after it our sacred Decretals forbid us to sing Mass, I mean your high and lawful Mass. But I'll say a low and dry one for you. I had rather have one moistened with some good Anjou Wine, cry'd Panurge; fall to, fall [Page 193] to your low Mass, and dispatch. Od's Bodikins, quoth Fryar Ihon, it frets me to the Guts that I must have an empty Stomach at this time of day. For, had I eaten a good Breakfast, and fed like a Monk, if he should chance to sing us the Requiem aeternam dona eis, domine, I had then brought thither Bread and Wine for the Traits passes, (those that are gone before.) Well, Patience; Pull away, and save a Tide, short and sweet, I pray you, and this for a Cause.
CHAP. L. How Homenas show'd us the Arch-Type, or Representation of a Pope.
MAss being mumbled over, Homenas took a huge bundle of Keys out of a Trunk near the Head Altar, and put Thirty two of them into so many Key-holes, put back so many Springs, then with Fourteen more master'd so many Padlocks, and at last open'd an Iron-Window strongly barr'd above the said Altar. This being done, in token of great Mystery, he cover'd himself with wet Sackcloth, and drawing a Curtain of Crimson Sattin, show'd us an Image daub'd over coursly enough, to my thinking; then he touch'd it with a pretty long stick, and made us all kiss the part of the Stick that [Page 194] had touch'd the Image. After this he said to us, What think you of this Image? It is the Likeness of a Pope, answer'd Pantagruel; I know it by the Tripple Crown, his Furr'd Aumusse, his Rochet, and his Slipper. You are in the right, said Homenas; it is the Idea of that same good God on Earth, whose coming we devoutly await, and whom we hope one day to see in this Country. O happy, wish'd for, and much expected day; and happy, most happy, you whose propitious Stars have so far favour'd you as to let you see the living and real Face of this good God on Earth, by the single sight of whose Picture we obtain full Remission of all the Sins which we remember, that we have committed, as also a Third part, and Eighteen Quarantaines of the Sins which we have forgot: And indeed we only see it on high annual Holy days.
This caus'd Pantagruel to say that it was a Work like those which Daedalus us'd to make; since tho' it were deform'd and ill drawn, nevertheless some divine Energy in Point of Pardons lay hid and conceal'd in it. Thus, said Fryar Ihon, at Sevillé, the raskally Beggers being one Evening on a Solemn Holyday at Supper in the Spittle, one bragg'd of having got Six Blancs, or Two pence Half-penny, another Eight Liards or Two pence, a Third Seven Carolus's or Six pence; but an old Mumper made his Vaunts of having [Page 195] got three Testons, or five Shillings: Ah, but (cry'd his Comrades) thou hast a Leg of god; as if continu'd Fryar Ihon, some divine Vertue could lye hid in a stenching ulcerated rotten Shanck. Pray, said Pantagruel, when you are for telling us some such nauseous Tale, be so kind as not to forget to provide a Bason, Fryar Ihon; I'll assure you, I had much ado to forbear bringing up my Breakfast: Fy, I wonder a Man of your Coat is not asham'd to use thus the Sacred name of God in speaking of things so filthy and abominable; Fy, I say: If among your monking Tribes such an abuse of Words is allow'd, I beseech you leave it there, and do not let it come out of the Cloysters. Physicians, said Epistemon, thus attribute a kind of Divinity to some Diseases; Nero also extoll'd Mushrooms, and in a Greek Proverb term'd them divine Food, because with them he had Poyson'd Claudius his Predecessor. But methinks, Gentlemen, this same Picture is not over-like our late Popes. For I have seen them, not with their Pallium, Aumusse or Rocket on, but with Helmets on their Heads, more like the Top of a Persian Turbant; and while the Christian Commonwealth was in Peace, they alone were most furiously and cruelly making War. This must have been then, return'd Homena [...], against the Rebellious, Heretical Protestants; Reprobates, who are disobedient to the Holiness of this good God on Earth. 'Tis not [Page 196] only lawful for him to do so, but it is enjoyn'd him by the Sacred Decretals, and if any dare transgress one single Iota against their Commands, whether they be Emperors, Kings, Dukes, Princes, or Commonwealths, he is immediately to pursue them with Fire and Sword, strip them of all their Goods, take their Kingdoms from them, proscribe them, Anathem [...]tize them, and destroy not only their Bodies, those of their Children, Relations and others, but Damn also their Souls to the very bottom of the most hot and burning Caldron in Hell. Here, in the Devil's name, said Panurge, the People are no Hereticks, such as was our Raminagrobis, and as they are in Germany and England. You are Christians of the best Edition, all pick'd and cull'd, for ought I see. Ay, marry are we, return'd Homenas, and for that reason we shall all be sav'd. Now let us go and bless our selves with Holy-water, and then to Dinner.
CHAP. LI. Table-Talk in Praise of the Decretals.
NOw Topers, pray observe that while Homenas was saying his dry Mass, three Collectors, or Licens'd Beggers of the Church, each of them with a large Basin went round among the People, saying with a loud Voice; [Page 197] Pray remember the blessed Men who have seen his Face. As we came out of the Temple they brought their Basins brim full of Papimany Chink to Homenas, who told us that it was plentifully to Feast with; and that, of this Contribution and voluntary Tax, one part should be laid out in good Drinking, another in good Eating, and the remainer in both; according to an admirable Exposition hidden in a Corner of their Holy Decretals; which was perform'd to a T, and that at a noted Tavern not much unlike that of Will's at Amiens. Believe me we tickled it off there with copious Cramming, and numerous Swilling.
I made two notable Observations at that Dinner; the one that there was not one Dish serv'd up whether of Cabrittas, Capons, Hogs (of which latter there's great Plenty in Papimany) Pigeons, Coneys, Leverets, Turkeys or others, without abundance of Magistral Stuff; the other, that every Course and the Fruit also were serv'd up by unmarried Females of the Place, tight Lasses, I'll assure you, Waggish, Fair, Good condition'd, and Comely, Spruce, and fit for Business. They were clad all in fine long white Albes with two Girts, their Hair interwoven with narrow Tape, and purple Ribbond, stuck with Roses, Gilly-flowers Marjoram, Daffidown-Dillies, Thyme and other sweet Flowers.
[Page 198]At every Cadence, they invited us to drink and bang it about, dropping us neat and gentile Court'sies: nor was the sight of them unwelcome to all the Company; and as for Fryar Ihon, he leer'd on them sideways, like a Cur that steals a Capon. When the first course was taken off, the Females melodiouly Sung us an Epode in Praise of the Sacrosanct Decretals; and then the second Course being serv'd up Homenas joyful and cheery, said to one of the she Buttlers, Light here, Claricia. Immediately one of the Girls brought him a Tall-boy brim-full of Extravagant VVine. He took fast hold of it and fetching a deep sigh said to Pantagruel: My Lord, and you my good Friends, Here's t'ye, with all my Heart: You are all very wellcome. When he had tipp'd that off, and given the Tall-boy to the pretty Creature, he lifted up his Voice and said; O most holy Decretals, how good is good Wine found through your Means. This is the best Jest we have had yet, observ'd Panurge: But twould still be a better, if they could turn bad Wine into Good.
O Seraphic Sextum! (continu'd Homenas [...] how necessary are you not to the Salvation of poor Mortals. O Cherubic Clementinae! How perfectly the perfect institution of a true Christian is contain'd and describ'd in you! O Angelical Extravagants! How many poor Souls that wander up and down in mortal [Page 199] Bodies, throw this vale of Misery, would perish, were it not for you! VVhen ha! VVhen shall this special gift of grace be bestow'd on Man kind, as to lay aside all other Studies and Concerns, to use you, to peruse you, to understand you, to know you by heart, to practise you, to incorporate you, to turn you into blood, and incenter you into the deepest Ventricles of their Brains the inmost Marrow of their Bones, and most intricate Labyrinth of their Arteries? Then, ha then, and no sooner than then, nor otherwise than thus shall the World be happy! VVhile the old Man was thus running on, Epistemon arose and softly said to Panurge; For want of a close stool, I must e'en leave you for a moment or two; this Stuff has unbung'd the Orifice of my Mustard-Barrel, but I'll not tarry long.
Then, ah then, continu'd Homenas, no Hail, Frost, Ice, Snow, Overflowing, or Vismajor: Then plenty of all earthly goods here below. Then uninterrupted and eternal Peace throw the universe, an End of all Wars, plunderings, drudgeries, robbing, ass [...] sinates, unless it be to destroy these cursed Rebels the Heretics. Oh then, Rejoycing, Cheerfulness, Jollity, Solace, Sports and delicious Pleasures, over the Face of the Earth. Oh! What great Learning, inestimable Erudition, and Godlike Precepts, are knit, link'd [Page 200] rivetted and mortais'd in the Divine Chapters of these eternal Decretals?
Oh! How wonderfully, if you read but one demy Canon, short Paragraph, or single Observation of these Sacrosanct Decretals, how wonderfully, I say, do you not perceive to kindle in your Hearts, a furnace of divine Love, Charity towards your Neighbour (provided he be no Heretic,) bold Contempt of all casual and sublunary Things, firm Content in all your affections, and extatic Elevation of Soul even to the third Heaven!
CHAP. LII. A Continuation of the Miracles caus'd by the Decretals.
WIsely, Brother Timothy, quoth Panurge, did am did am; he says blew; But for my part I believe as little of it as I can. For, one Day by chance I happen'd to read a Chapter of them at Poictiers at the most Decretalipotent Scotch Doctor's, and old Nick turn me into Burnfodder, if this did not make me so Hide-bound and costive that, for four or five Days I hardly scumber'd one poor butt of Sir-reverence, and [Page 201] that too was full as dry and hard, I protest, as Catullus tells us were those of his Neighbour Furius.
Oh, ho, cry'd Homenas, by'r Lady, it may be you were then in the State of Mortal sin, my Friend. Well turn'd, cry'd Panurge, this was of a new strain é gad.
One day, said Fryar John, at Sevillé I had apply'd to my posteriors by the way of hind-Towel a leaf of an old Clementinae, which our Rent-gatherer John Guimard had thrown out into the green of our Cloyster: now the Devil broyl me like a Black-pudding if I was n't so abominably plagu'd with chaps, chawns and piles at the Fundament, that the Orifice of my poor Nockandroe was in a most wofull Pickle for I don't know how long. By 'r Lady cry'd Homenas, 'twas a plain Punishment of God, for the sin that you had committed in beraying that sacred Book, which you ought rather to have kiss'd and ador'd, I say with an adoration of Latria, or of Hyperdulia at least: The Panormitan never told a Lye in the matter.
Saith Ponocrates, at Montpelier, John Ch [...]iiart having bought of the Monks of St. Olary a [Page 202] delicate set of Decretals written on fine large Parchment of Lamballe, to beat Gold between the leaves, not so much as a piece that was beaten in them came to good, but all were dilacerated and spoil'd. Mark this, cry'd Homenas, 'twas a Divine punishment and vengeance.
At Mans, said Eudemon, Francis Cornu, Apothecary, had turn'd an old set of Extravagantes into waste Paper; may I never stir, if whatever was lapt up in them was not immediately corrupted, rotten and spoyl'd; incense, Pepper, Cloves, Cinnamon, Saffro [...], Wax, Cassia, Rhubarb, Tamarinds, all, Drugs and Spices, were lost without exception. Mark, mark, quoth Hamenas, an effect of Divine Justice! This comes of putting the Sacred Scriptures to such prophane uses.
At Paris, said Carpalim, Snip Groignet the Taylor had turn'd an old Clementime into P [...] terns and Measures, and all the Clothes that were cut on them were utterly spoil'd and lost [...] Gowns, Hoods, Cloaks, Cassocks, Jerkins, J [...]ckets, Wastcoats, Capes, Doublets, Petticoats, Corps de Robes, Vardingals, and so forth. Snip thinking to cut a Hood would cut you out a Codpiece; instead of a Cass [...]ck he'd make you a high Crown'd Hat; for a Wastcoat he'd shape you out a Rochet; on the Pattern of a Doublet he'd make you a thing like a Frying-pan; then his Journey-men, [Page 203] having stitch'd it up, did jagg it and pink it at the bottom, and so it look'd like a pan to fry Chesnuts; instead of a Cape he made a Buskin; for a Vardingale he shap'd a Montero-Cap; and thinking to make a Cloak he'd cut out a pair of your big outstroutting Switzers Breeches with panes like the outside of a Tabor. In so much that Snip was condemn'd to make good the Stuffs to all his Customers; and to this day poor Cabbidge's hair grows through his Hood, and his Arse through his Pocket-holes. Mark, an effect of Heavenly wrath and vengeance, cry'd H [...]menas.
At Cahusac, said Gymnast, a march being made by the Lords of Estissac and Vicount Lausun to shoot at a Mark, P [...]tou had taken to pieces a set of Decretals, and set one of the Leaves for the White to shoot at; now I sell, nay I give and bequeath for ever and aye the Mould of my Doublet to fifteen hundred Hampers full of black Devils, if ever any Archer in the Country tho they are singular Marksmen in Gusenne [...] could hit the White. Not the least bit of the Holy Scrible was contaminated or touch'd; nay, and Sa [...]n the Elder who held Stakes, swore to us▪ [...] di [...]ures, hard Fig [...] (his greatest Oath [...]hat [...]e had openly, visibly and manifestly seen the B [...]lt of Carquelin moving right to the round Circle in the middle of the White, and that just on the point when it was going to hit and enter, it had gon aside above seven foot [Page 204] and four inches wide of it towards the Bakehouse.
Miracle! (cry'd Homenas) Miracle, Miracle! Clerica, come Wench, light, light here, Here's to you all Gentlemen; I vow you seem to me very sound Christians. While he said this, the Maidens began to snicker at his Elbow, grinning, giggling and twittering among themselves. Fryar Jhon began to paw, neigh and whinny at the Snout's end, as one ready to leap, or at least to play the Ass, and get up and ride tantivy to the Devil like a Beggar on Horseback.
Methinks, said Pantagruel, a Man might have been more out of danger near the White of which Gymnast spoke, than was formerly Diogenes near another. How's that? ask'd Homenas, what was it? Was he one of our Decretalists? Rarely fallen in again e'gad, said Epistemon returning from Stool, I see he will hook his Decretals in, tho' by the Head and Shoulders.
Diogenes, said Pantagruel, one day for Pastime, went to see some Archers that shot at Butts, one of whom was so unskilful, that, when it was his turn to shoot, all the bystanders went aside, lest he should mistake them for the Mark. Diogenes had seen him shoot extremly wide off it, so when the other was taking aim a second time, and the People remov'd at a great distance to the right and left of the White, he placed himself close [Page 205] by the Mark, holding that place to be the safest, and that so bad an Archer would certainly rather hit any other.
One of the Lord d'Estissac's Pages at last found out the Charm, pursued Gymnast, and by his advice Perotou put in another White made up of some Papers of Pouillac's Law Suit, and then every one shot cleverly.
At Landerousse, said Rhizotome, at John Delif's Wedding were very great doings, as 'twas then the Custom of the Country. After Supper, several Farces, Interludes, and Comical Scenes were acted: they had also several Morrice-dances with Bells and Tabors; and divers sorts of Masques, and Mummers were let in. My School-fellows and I, to grace the Festival to the best of our Power (for, fine white and purple Liveries had been given to all of us in the Morning) contriv'd a merry Mask with store of Cockle-shells, shells of Snails, Periwinkles and such other. Then for want of Cuckoe-pint or Priest-pintle, Lousebur, Clote, and Paper, we made our selves false Faces with the Leaves of an old Sextum, that had been thrown by and lay there for any one that would take it up, cutting out holes for the Eyes, Nose and Mouth. Now did you ever hear the like since you were born, when we had play'd our little Boyish Antick Tricks, and came to take off our sham-faces, we appear'd more hideous and ugly than the little Devils that acted the Passion at Douay: [Page 206] For our Faces were utterly spoyl'd at the places which had been touch'd by those [...]eaves; one had there the Small Pox, another God's Token, or the Plague spot, a third the Crinckums, a fourth the Measles, a fifth Botches Pushes and Carbuncles; in short, he came off the least hurt who only lost his Teeth by the b [...]rgain. Miracle, bawl'd out Homenas, Mirac [...]e!
Hold, hold, cry'd Rhizotome, 'tis n't yet time to clap; my Sister Kate, and my Sister R [...]n had put the Crepines of their Hoods, their Ruffles, Snoffekins, and Neck-Ruffs row wash'd starch'd and iron'd, into that very Book of Decretals; for, you must know, it was cover'd with thick Boards and had strong Clasps; now, by the virtue of God — Hold, interrupted Homenas, what God do you mean? There is but one, answer'd Rhizotome. In Heaven, I grant, reply'd Homenas, but we have another here on Earth, d'ye see. Ay marry, have we, said Rhizotome, but on my Soul I protest I had quite forgot it— well then, by the virtue of God the Pope, their Pinners, Neck-ruffs, Bibs, Coifs, and other Linnen turn'd as black as a Char-coalman's Sack. Miracle, cry'd Homenas! Here, Clerica, light me here, and pr'ythee, Girl, observe these rare Stories. How comes it to pass then, ask'd Fryar Jhon, that People say,
I understand you, answer'd Homenas; this is one of the quirks and little satires of the new fangl'd Hereticks.
CHAP. LIII. How, by the Virtue of the Decretals, Gold is subtilly drawn out of France to Rome.
I would, said Epistemon, it had cost me a a pint of the best Tripe that ever can enter into Gut, so we had but compar'd with the Original, the dreadful Chapters, Execrabilis. De multa. Si plures. De Annatis per totum. Nisi essent. Cum ad Monasterium. Quod dilectio. Mandatum; and certain others that draw every year out of France to Rome, four hundred thousand Ducats and more.
[Page 208]Do you make nothing of this, ask'd Homenas? Tho' methinks, after all, 'tis but little if we consider that France the most Christian, is the only Nurse, the See of Rome has. However find me in the whole World a Book whether of Philosophy, Physic, Law, Mathematicks, or other humane Learning, nay, even, by my God, of the Holy Scripture it self, that will draw as much Money thence? None, none, pshaw, tush, blurt, pish, none can: You may look till your Eyes drop out of your Head; nay, till Dooms-day in the afternoon, before you can find another of that Energy; I'll pass my word for that.
Yet these Devillish Heretics refuse to learn and know it. Burn 'em, tear 'em, nip 'em with hot Pincers, drown 'em, hang 'em, spit 'em at the Bung-hole, pelt 'em, paut 'em, bruise 'em, beat 'em, cripple 'em, dismember 'em, cut 'm gut 'em, bowell 'em, paunch 'em, thrash 'em, slash 'em, gash 'em, chop 'em, slice 'em, slit 'em, carve 'em, saw 'em, bethwack em, pare 'em, hack 'em, hew 'em, mince 'em, flea 'em, boyl 'em, broyl 'em, roast 'em, toast 'em, bake 'em, fry 'em, crucifie 'em, crush 'em, squeeze 'em, grind 'em, batter 'em, burst 'em, quarter 'em, unlimb 'em, bebump 'em, bethump 'em, belam me'em, belabour 'em, pepper 'em, spitchcock 'em, and carbonade 'em on Grind irons, these wicked Heretics; Decretalifuges, Decretalicides, [Page 209] worse than Homicides, worse than Patricides, Decretalictones of the Devil of Hell.
As for you other good People, I most earnestly pray and beseech you to believe no other thing, think on, say, undertake, or do no other thing than what's contain'd in our Sacred Decretals, and their Corollaries, this fine Sextum, these fine Clementinae, these fine Extravagantes. O Deific Books! So shall you enjoy Glory, Honour, Exaltation, Wealth, Dignities, and Preferments in this World; be rever'd, and dreaded by all, preferr'd, Elected, and Chosen above all Men.
For, there is not under the Cope of Heaven, a condition of Men out of which you'll find Persons fitter to do and handle all things, than those who by Divine Prescience, Eternal Predestination, have applied themselves to the Study of the Holy Decretals.
Would you chuse a worthy Emperor, a good Captain a fit General in time of War, one that can well foresee all inconveniencies, avoid all dangers, briskly and bravely bring his Men on to a Breach or Attack, still be on sure grounds, always overcome without loss of his Men, and know how to make a good use of his Victory? Take me a Decre [...]ist.— No, no, I mean a Decretalist. Ho, the foul Blunder, whisper'd Epistemon.
Would you in time of Peace, find a Man capable of wisely governing the State of a Commonwealh, of a Kingdom, of a Empire, [Page 210] of a Monarchy, sufficient to maintain the Clergy, Nobility, Senate and Common [...] in Wealth, Friendship, Unity, Obedience, Virtue and Honesty? Take a Decretalist.
Would you find a Man who, by his exemplary Life, Eloquence, and pious Admonitions▪ may in a short time without effusion of humane blood Conquer the Holy Land, and bring over to the Holy Church the misbelieving Turks, Jews, Tartars, Muscovites, Mammelus, and Sarrabonites? Take me a Decretalist.
What makes in many Countries, the People Rebellious and deprav'd, Pages sawcy and mischievous, Students sottish and duncical? Nothing but that their Governours, Esquires, and Tutors were not Decretalists.
But what, on your▪ Conscience, was it d'ye think that establish'd, confirm'd and authoris'd these fine Religious Orders with whom you see the Christian World every where adorn'd, grac'd and illustrated as the Firmament is with its glorious Stars? The Holy Decretals.
What was it that founded, underpropt, and fix'd, and now maintains, nourishes and feeds the devout Monks and Fryars in Convents, Monasteri [...]s and Abbeys, so that did they not daily and mightily pray without ceasing▪ the World would be in evident danger of returning to its Primitive [...]? The Sacred Decretals.
What [...] the famous [Page 211] and celebrated Patrimony of St. Peter in plenty of all Temporal, Corporeal and Spiritual Blessings? The Holy Decretals.
What made the Holy Apostolick See and Pope of Rome in all times, and at this present so dreadful in the Universe, that all Kings, Emperors, Potentates, and Lords willing nilling must depend on him, hold of him, be Crown'd, confirm'd, and Authoris'd by him, come thither to strike sail, buckle, and fall down before his Holy Slipper, whose Picture you have seen? The mighty Decretals of God.
I will discover you a great secret; The Universities of your World have commonly a Book either open or shut in their Arms and Devises; what Book do you think it is? Truly, I do not know, answer'd Pantagruel, I never read it. It is the Decretals, said Homenas, without which the Priviledges of all Universities would soon be lost. You must own I have taught you this, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Here Homenas began to b [...]l [...]h, to farr, to sunk, to laugh, to slaver, and to swea [...]; and then he gave his huge greasy four-corner'd Cap to one of the Lasses, who clapt it [...] her pretty head with a deal of joy after she had lovingly buss'd it, as a sure token that she should be first married. Vivat, cry'd Epistemon, fifat, bibat, pipat.
O Apocalyptic secret, continued Homenas! light, light, Clerica, light here with doub [...] [Page 212] Lanterns. Now for the Fruit, Virgins.
I was saying then, that giving your selves thus wholly to the Study of the Holy Decretals, you'll gain Wealth and Honour in this World; I add, that in the next you'll infallibly be saved in the blessed Kingdom of Heaven, whose Keys are given to Our good God and Decretaliarch. O My good God, whom I adore and never saw, by thy special Grace open unto us, at the Point of Death at least, this most Sacred Treasure of our Holy Mother Church, whose Protector, Preserver, Buttler, Chief Larder, Administrator, and Disposer thou art; and take care, I beseech thee, O Lord, that the precious works of Supererogation, the goodly Pardons do not fail us in time of need; so that the Devils may not find an opportunity to gripe our precious Souls, and the dreadful Jaws of Hell may not swallow us. If we must pass thro' Purgatory, Thy will be done. It is in thy Power to draw us out of it when thou pleasest. Here Homenas began to shed huge hot bri [...]y Tears, to beat his Brest, and kiss his Thumbs in the shape of a Cross.
CHAP. LIV. How Homenas give Pantagruel some Bon-Christian Pears.
EPistemon, Fryar Ihon, and Panurge seeing this doleful Catastrophe began under [Page 213] the cover of their Napkins to cry, Meeow, Meeow, Meeow, feigning to wipe their Eyes all the while as if they had wept. The Wenches were doubly diligent and brought Brimmers of Clementine Wine to every one, besides store of Sweet-meats, and thus the Feasting was reviv'd.
Before we arose from Table, Homenas gave us a great quantity of fair large Pears; saying, Here, my good Friends, these are singular good Pears, you'll find none such any where else I dare warrant. Every Soyl hears not every thing you know; India alone boasts black Ebony, the best Incense is produc'd in Sabaea, the Sphragitid Earth at Lemnos; So this Island is the only Place where such fine Pears grow. You may, if you please, make Seminaries with their Pippins, in your Country.
I like their Taste extremely, said Pantagruel; if they were slic'd and put into a Pan on the Fire with Wine and Sugar, I fancy they would be very wholesome Meat for the Sick as well as for the Healthy; Pray what do you call 'em? No, otherwise than you've heard, reply'd Homenas; we are a plain down-right sort of People, as God would have it, and call Figs, Figs; Plumbs, Plumbs; and Pears, Pears. Truly, said Pantagruel, If I live to go home, (which I hope will be speedily, God willing) I'll set and gras [...] some in my Garden in Touraine by the [Page 214] Banks of the Loire, and will them call Bon-Christian or Good-Christian Pears; for I never saw better Christians than are these good Papimans. I'd like him two to one better yet, said Fryar Ihon, would he but give us two or three Cart-loads of yon buxsome Lasses. Why, what would you do with them, cry'd Homenas? Quoth Fryar Ihon, no harm, Only bleed the Kind-hearted Souls straight between the two great Toes with certain clever Lancets of the right stamp; By which Operation Good-Christian Children would be inoculated upon them, and the Breed be multiply'd in our Country, in which there are not many over good, the more's the Pity.
Nay, verily reply'd Homenas, We cannot do this, for you would make them tread their Shoes awry, crack their Pipkins, and spoil their Shapes; you love Mutton I see, you'll run at Sheep, I know you by that same Nose, and Hair of yours, tho' I never saw your Face before. Alas, alas, how kind you are! And would you indeed Damn your precious Soul? Our Decretals forbid this; Ah, I wish you had them at your Fingers-end. Patience, said Fryar Ihon: But, Si tu non vis dare, praesta quaesumas; matter of Breviary; as for that I defie a [...]l the world, and I fear no Man that wears a Head and a Hood, tho' be were a Ch [...]stallin, I mean a Decretalin Doctor.
Dinner being over, we took our leave of the Right Reverend Homenas, and of all the [Page 215] good People, humbly giving thanks, and, to make them amends for their kind Entertainment, Promised them that at our coming to Rome we would make our Applications so effectualy to the Pope, that he would speedily be sure to come to Visit them in Person. After this we went o' Board.
Pantagruel by an Act of Generosity, and as an Acknowledgment for the sight of the Pope's Picture, gave Homenas Nine pieces of double friz'd Cloth of Gold, to be set before the Grates of the Window. He also caus'd the Church Box for it's Repairs and Fabrick to be quite fill'd with double-Crowns of Gold, & order'd Nine hundred & Fourteen Angels to be deliver'd to each of the Lasses, who had waited at Table, to buy them Husbands when they could get them.
CHAP. LV. How, Pantagruel being at Sea heard various unfrozen words.
WHen we were at Sea Junketting, Tipling Discoursing, and telling Stories, Pantagruel rose and stood up to l [...]ok out; then ask'd us, Do you [...] nothing, Gentlemen? Methinks I hear [...] People [...]a [...]king in the Air; yet I can [...] According to [...] [Page 216] full Ears suck'd in the Air, as some of you suck Oysters, to find if we could hear some sound scatter'd thro' the Sky; and to lose none of it, like the Emperor Antoninus, some of us laid their hands hollow next to their Ears: But all this would not do, nor could we hear any Voice. Yet Pantagruel continued to assure us he heard various Voices in the Air, some of Men, and some of Women.
At last we began to Fancy that we also heard something, or at least that our Ears tingled, and the more we listen'd, the plainer we discern'd the Voices, so as to distinguish Articulate Sounds. This mightily frighted us, and not without cause, since we could see nothing, yet heard such various Sounds and Voices of Men, Women, Children, Horses, &c. insomuch that Panurge cry'd out, Cods Belly, there's no fooling with the Devil, we are all beshit, let's fly. There is some Ambuscado here abouts. Fryar Ihon art thou here, my Love? I pr'y thee, stay by me old Boy, hast thou got thy swindging Tool? See that it do not stick in the Scabbard, thou never scour'st it half as it should be. We are undone. Hark! They are Guns, Gad judge me; Let's fly, I do not say with hands and feet, as Brutus said at the Battel of Pharsalia, I say with Sails and Oars; Let's whip it away, I never find my self to have a bit of Courage at Sea; In Cellars and elsewhere I have [Page 217] more than enough. Let's fly, and save our Bacon. I do not say this for any fear that I have; for I dread nothing but Danger; that I don't: I always say it that should n't. The Free-Archer of Baignolet said as much. Let's hazar'd nothing therefore, I say, lest we come off blowly. Tack about, Helm a Lee, thou Son of a Batchelor. Would I were now well in Quinquenois, tho' I were never to Marry. Hast away, let's make all the Sail we can, they'l be too hard for us, we are not able to cope with them, they are ten to our one, I'll warrant you; Nay, and they are on their Dunghil, while we do not know the Country. They'l be the Death of of us. We'll lose no Honour by flying; Demosthenes saith, That the Man that runs away may fight another time. At least, let us retreat to the Lee-ward. Helm a Lee; bring the main Tack aboard, Hawl the Bowlins, Hoist the Top-Gallants, we are all dead Men; get off in the Devils name, get off.
Pantagruel hearing the sad Outcry which Panurge made, said, who Talks of flying? Let's first see who they are, perhaps they may be Friends; I can discover no Body yet, tho' I can see a hundred Miles round me: But let's consider a little, I have read that a Philosopher nam'd Perron was of Opinion, that there were several Worlds that touch'd each other in an Equilateral Triangle; in whose Centre, he said, was the dwelling of Truth, [Page 218] and that the words, Ideas, Copies and Images of all things past, and to come resided there; round which was the Age, and that with Success of Time part of them us'd to fall on mankind like Rhumes and Mildews, just as the Dew fell on Gideon's Fleece, till the Age was fulfilled.
I also remember, continued he, that Aristotle affirms Homer's words to be flying, moving, and consequently animated. Besides, Antiphanes said, that Plato's Philosophy was like words which being spoken in some Country during a hard Winter are immediately congeal'd, frozen up and not heard; for, what Plato taught young Lads could hardly be understood by them, when they were grown Old. Now, continued he, we should Philosophise and Search whether this be not the place where those words are thaw'd.
You'd wonder very much, should this be the Head and Lyre of Orpheus. When the Thracian Women had torn him to Pieces, they threw his Head and Lyre into the River Hebrus; down which they floated to the Euxine Sea, as far as the Island of Lesbos, the Head continually uttering a doleful Song, as it were, lamenting the Death of Orpheus, and the Lyre with the Wind's impulse moving its strings, and Harmoniously Accompanying the Voice. Let's see if we cannot discover them hereabouts.
CHAP. XLVI. How among the Frozen Words Pantagruel found some odd ones.
THe Skipper made answer; Be not afraid, my Lord, we are on the Confines of the Frozen Sea, on which about the beginning of last Winter happen'd a great and bloody Fight between the Arimaspians and the Nephelibates. Then the words and crys of Men and Women, the hacking, slashing, and hewing of Battle-axes, the shocking, knocking, and joulting of Armours, and Harnesses, the neighing of Horses, and all other Martial din and noise, froze in the Air; and now the rigour of the Winter being over by the succeeding serenity and warmth of the Weather, they melt and are heard.
By jingo, quoth Panurge, the Man talks somewhat like, I believe him; but could n't we see some of 'em? Methinks I have read that on the edge of the Mountain on which Moses receiv'd the the Judaic Law, the People saw the Voices sensibly. — Here, here, said Pantagruel, here are some that are not yet thaw'd. He then throw'd us on the Deck whole handfulls of frozen Words, which seem'd to us like your rough Sugar-Plumbs, of many colours, like those us'd in [Page 220] Heraldry, some words Gules, [This means also Jests and merry sayings] some Vert, some Azur, some Black, some Or, [This means also fair words;] and when we had somewhat warm'd them between our Hands, they melted like Snow, and we really heard them, but could not understand them, for it was a Barbarous Gibberish; one of them only that was pretty big, having been warm'd between Fryar Jhon's Hands, gave a sound much like that of Chesnuts when they are thrown into the fire without being first cut, which made us all start. This was the report of a Field-piece in its time, cry'd Fryar Jhon.
Panurge pray'd Pantagruel to give him some more; but Pantagruel told him, that to give words was the part of a Lover. Sell me some then, I pray you, cry'd Panurge. That's the part of a Lawyer, return'd Pantagruel. I would sooner sell you silence, tho' at a dearer Rate, as Demosthenes formerly sold it by the means of his Argentangina or Silver Squinsey.
However he threw three or four Handfulls of them on the Deck, among which I deceiv'd some very sharp words, and some bloody words, which the Pilot said, us'd sometimes to go back and recoil to the place whence they came, but 'twas with a slit wee-sand; we also saw some terrible words, and some others not very pleasant to the Eye.
When they had been all melted together, we heard a strange noise, hin, hin, hin, hin, [Page 221] his, tick, tock, taack, brededin, brededack, frr, frr, frr, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, track, track, trr, trr, trr, trrr, trrrrrr, on, on, on, on, on, on, ououououou, gog, magog, and I do not know what other barbarous words, which the Pilot said, were the noise made by the Charging Squadrons, the shock and neighing of Horses.
Then we heard some large ones go off like Drums and Fifes, and others like Clarions and Trumpets. Believe me, we had very good sport with them. I would fain have sav'd some merry odd words, and have preserv'd them in Oyl, as Ice and Snow are kept, and between clean Straw. But Pantagruel would not let me, saying, that 'tis a folly to hoard up what we are never like to want, or have always at hand, odd quaint, merry and fat words of Gules never being scarce among all good and jovial Pantagruelists.
Panurge somewhat vex'd Fryar Jhon, and put him in the pouts; for he took him at his word, while he dreamt of nothing less. This caus'd the Fryar to threaten him with such a piece of Revenge as was put upon G. Jousseaume, who having taken the merry Patelin at his word, when he had overbid himself in some Cloth, was afterwards fairly taken by the Horns like a Bullock, by his jovial Chapman, whom he took at his word like a Man. Panurge well knowing that threat'ned folks live long, bobb'd, and made mouths at him, [Page 223] in token of Derision, then cry'd, would I had here the Word of the Holy Bottle, without being thus oblig'd to go further in Pilgrimage to her.
CHAP. LVII. How Pantagruel went ashoar at the Dwelling of Gaster the first Master of Arts in World.
THat day Pantagruel went ashoar in an Island which for Situation and Governor may be said not to have its fellow. When you just come into it, you find it rugged, craggy, barren, unpleasant to the Eye, painful to the Feet, and almost as inaccessible as the Mountain of Dauphiné, which is somewhat like a Toad-stool, and was never climb'd, as any can remember, by any but Doyac, who had the charge of King Charles the Eighth's Train of Artillary,
This same Doyac with strange Tools and Engines, gain'd that Mountain's top, and there he found an old Ram. It puzzl'd many a wise Head to guess how it got thither. Some said that some Eagle, or great Horn-Coot having carry'd it thither, while 'twas yet a Lambkin, it had got away and sav'd it self among the Bushes.
[Page 222]As for us, having with much toyl and sweat overcome the difficult ways at the entrance, we found the top of the Mountain so fertile, healthful, and pleasant, that I thought I was then in the true Garden of Eden or Earthly Paradice, about whose Situation our good Theologues are in such a quandary, and keep such a pother.
As for Pantagruel, he said, That here was the Seat of Arete (that's as much as to say, Virtue) describ'd by Hesiod; this however, with submission to better Judgments. The Ruler of the place was one Master Gaster the first Master of Arts in this World; for if you believe that Fire is the great Master of Arts, as Tully writes, you very much wrong him and your self; alas, Tully never believ'd this. On the other side, if you fancy Mercury to be the first Inventer of Arts, as our ancient D [...]uids believ'd of old, you are mightily beside the Mark. The Satirist's Sentence, that affirms Master Gaster to be Master of all Arts is true. With him peacefully resided old Goody Penia alias Poverty, the Mother of the Ninty Nine Muses, on whom Porus the Lord of Plenty formerly begot Love that Noble Child, the Mediator of Heaven and Earth, as Plato affirms in Symposio.
We were all oblig'd to pay our homage and swear Allegiance to that migh [...]y Sovereign; for he is Imperious, Severe, Blunt, Hard, Uneasie, Inflexible; you cannot make [Page 224] him believe, represent to him, or persuade him any thing.
He do's not hear; and as the Egyptians said, That Harpocrates the God of Silence nam'd Sigalion in Greek was Astomé, that is, without a Mouth; so Gaster was created without Ears, even like the Image of Jupiter in Candia.
He only speaks by Signs, but those Signs are more readily obey'd by every one, than the Statutes of Senates, or Commands of Monarchs; neither will he admit the least Lett, or delay in his Summons. You say, that when a Lyon roars all the Beasts at a considerable distance round about, as far as his Roar can be heard, are seiz'd with a shivering. This is written, 'Tis true, I have seen it. I assure you, that at Master Gaster's Command, the very Heavens tremble, and all the Earth shakes, his Command is call'd, Do this or dye: Needs must whom the Devil drives, there's no gain-saying of it.
The Pilot was telling us how on a certain Time, after the manner of the Members that mutin'd against the Belly, as Aesop describes it, the whole Kingdom of the Somates went off into a direct Faction against Gaster, resolving to throw off his Yoke, but they soon found their mistake and most humbly submitted, for otherwise they had all been Famish'd.
[Page 225]What Companies soever he is in, none dispute with him for Precedence or Superiority, he still goes first, tho Kings, Emperors, or even the Pope were there. So he held the first Place at the Council of Basle, tho some will tell you that the Council was tumultuous by the Contentions and Ambition of many for Priority.
Every one is busied, and labours to serve him; And indeed, to make amends for this, he do's this good to Mankind, as to invent for them All Arts, Machines, Trades, Engines, and Crafts: he even instructs Brutes in Arts which are against their Nature, making Poets of Ravens, Jack-Daws, chattering Jays, Parrots and Starlings, and Poetresses of Magpies, teaching them to utter human Languages, Speak and Sing; and All for the Gut. He reclaims and tames Eagles, Gerfaulcons, Faulcons gentle, Sakers, Lanniers, Gosse-hawks, Spar-hawks, Merlins, Hagards, Passengers, Wild rapacious Birds; so that setting them free in the Air, whenever he thinks fit, as high and as long as he pleases, he keeps them suspended, straying, flying, hovering and courting him above the Clouds: then on a sudden he makes them stoop and come down amain from Heaven next to the Ground; and all for the Gut.
[Page 226]Elephants, Lions, Rhinocerotes, Bears, Horses, Mares, and Dogs, he teaches to Dance, Prance, Vault, Fight, Swim, hide themselves, fetch and carry what he pleases; and all for the Gut.
Salt and fresh-water Fish, Whales, and the Monsters of the Main, he brings up from the bottom of the Deep; Wolves he forces out of the Woods, Bears out of the Rocks, Foxes out of their Holes, and Serpents out of the Ground; and all for the Gut.
In short, he is so unruly, that in his Rage he devours all Men and Beasts; as was seen among the Vascons, when Q Metellus besieg'd them in the Sertorian Wa [...]s; among the Saguntines besieg'd by Hannibal; among the Jews besieg'd by the Romans, and Six hundred more; and all for the Gut. When his Regent Penia takes a Progress, where-ever she moves, all Senates are shut up, all Statutes repeal'd, all Orders and Proclamations vain; she knows, obeys, and has no Law. All shun her, in every Place chusing rather to expose themselves to Shipwracks at Sea, and venture through Fire, Rocks, Caves and Precipices, than be seiz'd by that most dreadful Tormentor.
CHAP. LVIII. How at the Court of the Master of Ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the Engastrimythes and the Gastrolaters.
AT the Court of that great Master of Ingenuity, Pantagruel observ'd two sorts of troublesom and too officious Apparitors, whom he very much detested. The first, were call'd Engastrimythes; the others, Gastrolaters.
The first pretended to be descended of the Ancient Race of Euricles; and for this brought the Authority of Aristophanes, in his Comedy call'd, The Wasps; whence of old they were call'd Euriclians, as Plato writes, and Plutarch in his Book of the Cessation of Oracles. In the Holy Decrees 26 Qu. 3. they are stil'd Ventriloqui; and the same Name is given them in Ionian by Hippocrates, in his Fifth Book of Epid. as Men who speak from the Belly. Sophocles calls them Sternomante [...]. These were Southsayers, Enchanters, Cheats, who gull'd the Mob, and seem'd not to speak and give Answers from the Mouth; but from the Belly.
[Page 228]Such a one, about the Year of our Lord 1513. was Jacoba Rodogina, an Italian Woman of mean Extract; From whose Belly, we, as well as an infinite Number of others at Ferrara, and elsewhere, have often heard the Voice of the Evil Spirit speak, low, feeble and small indeed; but yet very distinct, articulate and intelligible, when she was sent for, out of Curiosity, by the Lords and Princes of the Cisalpine Gaul. To remove all Manner of Doubt, and be assur'd that this was not a Trick, they us'd to have her Stripp'd stark naked, and caus'd her Mouth and Nose to be stopp'd. This Evil Spirit would be call'd Curl [...]d-Pate, or Cincinnatulo, seeming pleas'd when any call'd him by that Name; at which, he was always ready to Answer. If any Spoke to him of things past or present, he gave pertinent Answers, sometimes to the Amazement of the Hearers; but if of things to come, then the Devil was gravell'd, and us'd to Lye as fast as a Dog can Trot. Nay, sometimes he seem'd to own his Ignorance, instead of an Answer, letting out a rouzing [...]art, or muttering some words with barbarous and uncouth Inflexions, and not to be understood.
As for the Gastrolaters, they stuck close to one another in Knots and Gangs. [Page 229] Some of them Merry, Wanton, and Soft as so many Milksops; others lowring, grim, dogged, demure and crabbed, all idle, mortal foes to business, spending half their Time in sleeping, and the rest in doing nothing, a Rent-charge and dead unnecessary Weight on the Earth, as Hesiod saith; afraid (as we judg'd) of offending or l [...]ssening their Paunch. Others were mask'd, disguis'd, and so oddly dress'd, that 'twould have done you good to have seen them.
There's a Saying, and several Ancient Sages write, That the Skill of Nature appears wonderful in the Pleasure which she seems to have taken in the Configuration of Sea-shells, so great is their Variety in figures, colours, streaks, and inimitable shapes, I protest, the Variety we perceiv'd in the Dresses of the Gastrolatrous Coquillons was not less. They all own'd Gaster for their Supreme God, ador'd him as a God, offer'd him Sacrifices as to their Omnipotent Deity, own'd no other God, serv'd, lov'd, and honour'd him above all things.
You would have thought that the Holy Apostle spoke of those, when he said, Phil. Chap. 3. Many walk of whom I have told you often, and now tell you [Page 230] even weeping, that they are Enemies of the Cross of Christ: whose End is Destruction, whose God is their Belly. Pantagruel compar'd them to the Cyclops Polyphemus, whom Euripides brings in speaking thus, I only Sacrifice to my self (not to the Gods) and to this Belly of Mine, the greatest of all the Gods.
CHAP. LIX. Of the ridiculous Statue Manduce; and how, and what the Gastrolaters Sacrifice to their Ventripotent God.
WHile we fed our Eyes with the sight of the Phyzzes and Actions of these lozelly Gulligutted Gastrolaters, we on a sudden heard the Sound of a Musical Instrument call'd a Bell, at which all of them plac'd themselves in Rank and File as for some mighty Battel, every one according to his Office, Degree and Seniority.
In this Order, they mov'd towards Master Gaster, after a plump, young, lusty gorbellied Fellow, who on a long Staff fairly gilt, carried a wooden Statue grosly carv'd and as scurvily daub'd o'r with [Page 231] Paint, such a one as Plautus, Juvenal and Pomp. Festus describe it. At Lions during the Carnaval 'tis call'd Maschecrouste, or Gnaw crust; they call'd this Manduce.
It was a monstrous, ridiculous, hideous Figure, fit to fright little Children: Its Eves were bigger than its Belly, and its Head larger than all the rest of its Body, well Mouth-cloven however, having a goodly Pair of wide, broad Jaws, lin'd with two Rows of Teeth, upper Teer and under Teer, which, by the Magic of a small Twine hid in the hollow part of the Golden Staff, were made to clash, clatter and rattle dreadfully one against another, as they do at Metz with St. Clement's Dragon.
Coming near the Gastrolaters, I saw they were follow'd by a great Number of fat Waiters and Tenders laden with Baskets, Dossers, Hampers, Dishes, Wallets Pots and Kettles: Then under the Conduct of Manduce, and singing I don't know what Dithyrambics, Crepalocomes, and Epenons, opening their Baskets and Pots, they offer'd their God,
- White Hippocras with dry Toasts.
- White-Bread.
- Brown Bread.
- Carbonadoes, six sor [...]s.
- Brawn.
- [Page 232] Sweet-breads.
- Fricass [...]es nine sorts.
- Monastical Browess.
- Gravy-soupe.
- Hotch-pots.
- Soft-Bread.
- Houshold Bread.
- Cap [...]rotadoes.
- Cold Loins of Veal with Spice.
- Zinziberine.
- Beatille Pyes.
- Brewess.
- Marrow Bones, Toast and Cabbidge.
- Hashes.
Eternal Drink intermix'd. Brisk delicate White-wine led the Van, Claret and Champaign follow'd, cool, nay, as cold as the very Ice, I say, fill'd and offer'd in large Silver Cups. Then they offer'd,
- Chitterlins garnish'd with Mustard.
- Saucidges.
- Neats Tongues.
- Hung Beef.
- Chines and Pease.
- Hogs-haslets.
- Scotch Collops.
- Puddings.
- Cervelats.
- Bolonia Sawcidges.
- Hams.
- Brawn-Heads.
- Powder'd Venison, with Turnips.
- Pickled Olives.
All this associated with Sempiternal Liquor. Then they hous'd within his Muzzle,
- Legs of Mutton with Shallots.
- Ollas.
- Lumber-Pyes, with hot Sauce.
- [Page 233] Ribs of Pork, with Onion Sauce.
- Roast Capons basted with their own Dripping.
- Caponets.
- Caviar and Toast.
- Fawns, Deer.
- Hares, Leverets.
- Partridges, & young Partridges.
- Pluvers.
- Dwarfe herons.
- Teals.
- Duckers.
- Bittors.
- Shovelers.
- Curlu [...]s.
- Wood-hens.
- Coots with Leeks.
- Fat Kids.
- Shoulders of Mutton with Capers.
- Sir-Loins of Beef.
- Breasts of Veal.
- Phesants and Phesant poots.
- Peacocks.
- Storks.
- Woodcocks.
- Snipes.
- Hortolans.
- Turkey-Cocks, Hen-Turkeys and Turkey-poots.
- Stock doves, and Wood-culvers.
- Pigs with Wine sauce.
- Blackbirds, Owsels, and Rayles.
- Moor-hens.
- B [...]stards and B [...] stard poots.
- Fig peckers.
- Young Guiny hens.
- Flemmings.
- Cignets.
- A Renforcement of Vinegar intermixt.
- Veni [...]on P [...]st [...]es.
- Lark Pyes.
- Dormi [...]e Pyes.
- Cabretto Pasties.
- Roe-buck Pasties.
- Pigeon Pyes.
- Kid Pasties.
- Capon Pyes.
- Bacon Pyes.
- Souc'd Hogs feet.
- Fry'd Pasty crust
- Forc'd Capons.
- Parmesan Cheese.
- Red and Pale Hippocras.
- [Page 234] Gold-peaches.
- Artichokes.
- Dry and wet Sweet-meats 78 sorts.
- Boyl'd Hens and fat Capons maronated.
- Pullets with Eggs.
- Chickens.
- Rabbets and sucking Rabbets.
- Quails and young Quails.
- Pigeons Squobbs and Squeakers.
- Herons and young Herons.
- Feldivers.
- Olaves.
- Thrushes.
- Young Sea-Ravens.
- Geese, Goslins.
- Queests.
- Widgeons.
- Mavises.
- Grouses.
- Turtles.
- Doe-Connys.
- Hedge hogs.
- Snytes.
- Then large Puffs.
- Thistle-Finches.
- Whore's-Farts.
- Fritters.
- Cakes, sixteen sorts.
- Crisp Wafers.
- Quince Tarts.
- Curds and Cream.
- Whipp'd Cream.
- Preserv'd Myrabolans.
- Gellies.
- Welch Barrapyclids.
- Macaroons.
- Tarts, twenty sorts.
- Lemon Cream, Rasberry Cream, &c.
- Comfits, 100 Colours.
- Cream Wafers.
- Cream Cheese.
Vinegar brought up the Reer to wash the Mouth, and for fear of the Squinsy: Also Toasts to scower the Grinders.
CHAP. LX. What the Gastrolaters Sacrific'd to their God on interlarded Fish-Days.
PAntagruel did not like this Pack of Rascally Scoundrels with their manifold Kitchen Sacrifices, and would have been gone, had not Epistemon prevail'd with him to stay and see the End of the Farce; he then ask'd the Skipper, what the idle Lobcocks us'd to sacrifice to their gorbellied God on interlarded Fish-days? For his first Course, said the Skipper, they give him
- Caviar.
- Botargoes.
- Fresh Butter.
- Pease soupe.
- Spinage.
- Fresh Herrings full-roed.
- Salats, a hundred Varieties, of Creeses, sodden Hop-tops, Bishops-Cods, Sellery, Sives, Rampions, Jew's-Ears, (a sort of Mushrooms that sprout out of old Elders) Sparagus, Woodbind, and a World of others.
- Red-herrings.
- Pilchards.
- Anchovies.
- Fry of Tunny.
- Colly flowers.
- Beans.
- Salt Salmon.
- Pickled Griggs.
- Oysters in the Shell.
[Page 236]Then he must drink or the Devil would gripe him at the Throat; This therefore they take care to prevent, and nothing's wanting. Which being done, they give him Lampreys with Hippocras sawce.
- Gurna [...]ds.
- Salmon-Trouts.
- Barbels great and small.
- Roaches.
- Cockrells.
- Menews.
- Thornbacks.
- Sleeves.
- Sturgeons.
- Sheath fish.
- Mackerels.
- Maids.
- Plaice.
- Fry'd Oysters.
- Cockles.
- Prawnes.
- Smelts.
- Rock fish.
- Gracious Lords.
- Sword fish.
- Skate-fish.
- Lamprills.
- [...]gs.
- Pickerells.
- Golden Carps.
- Burbates.
- Salmons.
- Salmon-perls.
- Dolphins.
- Barn Trouts.
- Miller's-Thumbs.
- Preeks.
- Bret-fish.
- Flounders.
- Sea nettles.
- Mullets.
- Gudgeons.
- Dabs and Sandings.
- Haddocks.
- Carpes.
- Pyk [...]s.
- Bot [...]toes.
- Rochets.
- Sea-Bears.
- Sharplings.
- Tunnyes.
- Silver Eels.
- Chevins.
- Cray-fish.
- Pallours.
- Shrimps.
- [Page 237] Congers.
- Porposes.
- Bases.
- Shads.
- Murenes, a sort of Lampreys.
- Graylings.
- Smys.
- Turbots.
- Trouts not above a foot long.
- Salmons.
- Meagers.
- Sea-Breams.
- Halibuts.
- Soles.
- Dog's tongue or Kind-fool.
- Muskles.
- Lobsters.
- Great-Prawnes.
- Dace.
- Bleaks.
- Tenches.
- Ombers.
- Fresh Cods.
- Dried Melwells.
- Darefish.
- Fausens, and Griggs.
- Eel-pouts.
- Tortoises.
- Serpents, i. e. Wood-Eeles.
- Dorces.
- Moor-game.
- Pearches.
- Loaches.
- Crab fish.
- Snails and Whelks.
- Froggs.
If, when he had cramm'd all this down his Guttural Trap-door, he did not immediately make the Fish swim again in his Paunch, Death would pack him off in a trice; Special care is taken to Antidote his Godship with Vine-tree-Syrup. Then is Sacrific'd to him, Haberdines, Poor-Jack, minglemangled mishmash'd, &c.
- [Page 238]Eggs fry'd, beaten, butter'd, poach'd, hardened, boyl'd, broyl'd, stew'd, slic'd, roasted in the Embers, toss'd in the Chimney, &c.
- Stock fish.
- Green fish.
- Sea-Batts.
- Cod's-Ounds.
- Sea-Pikes.
Which to concoct and digest the more easily, Vinegar is Multiply'd. For the latter part of their Sacrifices they offer,
- Rice Milk and hasty Pudding.
- Butter'd Wheat and Flummery.
- Watergruel, and Milk-Porradge.
- Frumenty and Bony-claber.
- Stew'd Prunes, and bak'd Bullies.
- Pistachoes or Fistick-Nuts.
- Figgs.
- Almond-Butter.
- Skirret-Root.
- White-Pot.
- Raisins.
- Dates.
- Chestnuts and Wallnuts.
- Filberds.
- Parsenips.
- Artichoakes.
Perpetuity of Soaking with the whole.
'Twas none of their Fault I'll assure you, if this same God of theirs was not publickly, preciously and plentifully serv'd in his Sacrifices, better yet than Heliogabalus's Idol; nay more than Bell [Page 239] and the Dragon in Babylon under King Balshazzar. Yet Gaster had the Manners to own that he was no God, but a poor, vile, wretched Creature. And as King Antigonus, first of the Name, when one Hermodotus, (as Poets will flatter, espepecially Princes) in some of his Fustian dubb'd him a God, and made the Sun adopt him for his Son, said to him, My Lasanophore, (or in plain English, my Groom of the Close stool) can give thee the Lye; so Master Gaster very civilly us'd to send back his Bigotted Worshipers to his Close-stool, to see, smell, taste, philosophise and examin what kind of Divinity they could pick out of his Sir-reverence.
CHAP. LXI. How Gaster invented Means to get and preserve Corn.
THose Gastrolatrous Hobgoblins being withdrawn, Pantagruel carefully minded the Famous Master of Arts, Gaster. You know that by the Institution of Nature, Bread has been assign'd him for Provision and Food, and that as an [Page 240] addition to this Blessing, he should never want the means to get Bread.
Accordingly, from the beginning he invented the Smith's Art and Husbandry to manure the ground that it might yield him Corn; he invented Arms, and the Art of War to defend Corn; Physick and Astronomy, with other parts of Mathematicks, which might be useful to keep Corn a great number of years in safety from the injuries of the Air, Beasts, Robbers and Purloiners; he invented Water, Wind and Hand-Mills, and a thousand other Engines to grind Corn, and turn it into Meal, Leaven to make the Dough ferment, and the use of Salt to give it a savour, for he knew that nothing bred more Diseases than heavy, unleaven'd, unsavoury Bread.
He found a way to get Fire to Bake it; Hour-glasses, Dials and Clocks to mark the time of its Baking; and as some Countries wanted Corn, he contriv'd means to convey some out of one Country into another.
He had the Wit to Pimp for Asses and Mares, Animals of different species, that they might Copulate for the Generation of a third, which we call Mules, more strong and fit for hard service than the other two. He invented Carts and Waggons to draw him along with greater [Page 241] ease; and as Seas and Rivers hindred his Progress, he devis'd Boats, Gallies and Ships (to the astonishment of the Elements) to waft him over to barbarous, unknown, and far distant Nations, thence to bring, or thither to carry Corn.
Besides, seeing that, when he had tilled the ground, some years the Corn perish'd in it for want of Rain in due season, in others rotted, or was drown'd by its excess, sometimes spoil'd by Hail, eat by Worms in the Ear, or beaten down by Storms, and so his Stock was destroy'd on the ground; we were told that ever since the days of Yore, he has found out a way to Conjure the Rain down from Heaven only with cutting certain Grass, common enough in the Field, yet known to very few, some of which was then shown us: I took it to be the same as the Plant, one of whose Boughs being dipp'd by Jove's Priest into the Agrian Fountain, on the Lycian Mountain in Arcadia in time of Drought, rais'd Vapours which gather'd into Clouds, and then dissolv'd into Rain, that kindly moisten'd the whole Country.
Our Master of Arts was also said to have found a way to keep the Rain up in the Air, and make it fall into the Sea; also to annihilate the Hail, suppress the Winds, and remove Storms as the Methanensians [Page 242] of Troezene us'd to do. And as in the Fields Thieves and Plunderers sometimes stole and took by force the Corn and Bread which others had toyl'd to get, he invented the Art of Building Towns, Forts, and Castles, to hoard and secure that staff of Life; on the other hand, finding none in the Fields, and hearing that it was hoarded up and secur'd in Towns, Forts, and Castles, and watch'd with more care than ever were the Golden Pippins of the Hesperides, he turn'd Ingenier, and found ways to beat, storm, and demolish Forts and Castles, with Machines, and Warlike Thunderbolts, battering Rams, Balists, and Catapults, whose shapes were shown us, not over-well understood by our Ingeniers, Architects, and other Disciples of Vitruvius, as Master Philebert de l'Orme, King Megistus's principal Architect has own'd to us.
And seeing that sometimes all these Tools of Destruction were baffled by the cunning subtilty, or the subtle, cunning (which you please) of Fortifiers, he lately Invented Cannons, Field-pieces, Culverins, Bombards, Basilisko's, Murthering Instruments that dart Iron, Leaden, and Brazen Balls, some of them outweighing huge Anvils; this by the means of a most dreadful Powder, whose Hellish Compound [Page 243] and Effect has even amaz'd Nature, and made her own her self out-done by Art; the Oxydracan Thunders, Hails and Storms, by which the people of that Name immediately destroy'd their Enemies in the Field, being but meer Pot-guns to these. For, one of our great Guns when us'd, is more dreadful, more terrible, more diabolical, and maims, tears, breaks, slays, mows down, sweeps away more Men, and causes a greater Consternation and Destruction than a hundred Thunderbolts.
CHAP. LXII. How Gaster invented an Art to avoid being hurt or touch'd by Cannon Balls.
GAster having secur'd himself with his Corn within strong Holds, has sometimes been attack'd by Enemies, his Fortresses, by that thrice threefold curst Instrument, levell'd and destroy'd, his dearly beloved Corn and Bread snatch'd out of his Mouth, and sack'd by a Titannick Force, therefore he then sought means to preserve his Walls, Bastions, Rampiers, and Sconces from Cannon-shot, [Page 244] and to hinder the Bullets from hitting him, stopping them in their flight, or at least from doing him, or the Besiegers and Walls any damage; he show'd us a tryal of this, which has been since us'd by Fronton, and is now common amo [...]g the Pastimes and harmless Recreations of the Thelemites. I'll tell you how he went to work, and pray for the future be a little more ready to believe what Plutarch affirms to have try'd; Suppose a Herd of Goats were all scampering as if the Devil drove 'em, do but put a bit of Eringo into the Mouth of the hindmost Nanny, and they will all stop stock-still, in the time you can tell three.
Thus Gaster, having caus'd a Brass Faulkon to be charg'd, with a sufficient quantity of Gunpowder, well purg'd from its Sulphur, and curiously made up with fine Camphir, he then had a suitable Ball put into the Piece, with twenty four little pellets like Hail-shot, some round, some pearl fashion, then taking his aim, and levelling it at a Page of his, as if he would have hit him on the Breast, about sixty strides off the Piece, half way between it and the Page in a right Line, he hang'd on a Gibbet by a Rope a very large Side-rite or iron-like Stone, otherwise call'd Herculean, formerly found on Ida in Phrygia by one Magnes as Nicander writes, [Page 245] and commonly call'd Load stone: Then he gave Fire to the Prime on the Piece's Touch-hole, which in an instant consuming the Powder, the Ball and Hail-shot were with incredible violence and swiftness hurried out of the Gun at its Muzzle, that the Air might penetrate to its Chamber, where otherwise would have been a Vacuum; which Nature abhors so much that this Universal Machine, Heaven, Air, Land, and Sea would sooner return to the Primitive Chaos than admit the least void any where. Now the Ball and small shot which threaten'd the Page with no less than quick Destruction, lost their impetuosity, and remain'd suspended and hovering round the Stone, nor did any one of them, notwithstanding the fury with which they rush'd, reach the Page.
Master Gaster could do more than all this yet, if you'll believe me, for he invented a way how to cause Bullets to fly backwards, and recoyl on those that sent 'em, with as great a force, and in the very numerical parallel for which the Guns were planted. And indeed, why should he have thought this difficult, seeing the Herb Ethiopis opens all Locks whatsoever, and an Echineis or Remora, a silly weakly Fish, in spight of all the Winds that blow from the 32 Points of the Compass, [Page 246] will in the midst of a Hurricane make you the biggest First Rate remain stock still as if she were becalm'd, or the Blustering Tribe had blown their last; nay, and with the Flesh of that Fish preserv'd with Salt, you may fish Gold out of the deepest Well that was ever founded with a Plummet, for it will certainly draw up the precious Metal, since Democritus affirm'd it.
Theophrastus believ'd and experienc'd that there was an Herb at whose single touch an Iron Wedge tho never so far driven into a huge log of the hardest Wood that is, would presently come out, and 'tis this same Herb your Hickways, alias Woodpeckers use, when with some mighty Ax any one stops up the hole of their Nests, which they industriously dig and make in the Trunk of some sturdy Tree. Since Stags and Hinds when deeply wounded with Darts, Arrows, and Bolts, if they do but meet the Herb call'd Dittany, which is common in Candia, and eat a little of it, presently the shafts come out, and all's well again; even as kind Venus cur'd her Beloved By-blow Aeneas, when he was wounded on the right Thigh with an Arrow by Juturna Turnus's Sister. Since the very Wind of Laurels, Fig-trees, or Sea-calves, makes the Thunder sheer off, insomuch that it never strikes them. Since [Page 247] at the sight of a Ram, mad Elephants recover their former Sences; since mad Bulls coming near wild Fig-trees call'd Caprifici grow tame, and will not budge a foot, as if they had the Cramp. Since the Venemous rage of Vipers is asswag'd, if you but touch them with a Beechen Bough. Since also Euphorion writes, that in the Isle of Samos, before Juno's Temple was Built there, he has seen some Beasts call'd Neades, whose voice made the neighbouring places gape and sink into a Chasm and Abyss. In short, since Elders grow of a more pleasing sound, and fitter to make Flutes in such places where the crowing of Cocks is not heard, as the Ancient Sages have writ, and Theophrastus relates; as if the crowing of a Cock dull'd, flatten'd and perverted the Wood of the Elder, as it is said to astonish and stupify with fear that strong and resolute Animal, a Lion.
I know that some have understood this of wild Elder, that grows so far from Towns or Villages that the crowing of Cocks cannot reach near it; and doubtless that sort ought to be preferr'd to the stenching common Elder that grows about decay'd and ruin'd places; but others have understood this in a higher sence, not litteral, but allegorical, according to the method of the Pythagoreans. As when it was said that Mercury's Statue [Page 248] could not be made of every sort of Wood, to which Sentence they give this sence; That God is not to be worship'd in a vulgar form, but in a chosen and religious manner.
In the same manner by this Elder, which grows far from places where Cocks are heard, the Ancients meant, that the wise and studious ought not to give their minds to trivial or vulgar Musick, but to that which is Celestial, Divine, Angelical, more abstracted and brought from remoter parts, that is from a Region where the crowing of Cocks is not heard; for, to denote a solitary and unfrequented place, we say, Cocks are never heard to crow there.
CHAP. LXIII. How Pantagruel fell asleep near the Island of Chaneph, and of the Problems propos'd to be solv'd when he wak'd.
THE next day merrily pursuing our Voyage we came in sight of the Island of Chan [...]ph, where Pantagruel's Ship could not arrive, the Wind chopping about, and then failing us so that we [Page 249] were becalm'd, and could hardly get o' head, tacking about from Starboard to La [...]board, and from Latboard to Starboard, tho to our Sails we had added Drablers.
With this accident we were all out of sorts, moping, drooping, metagrabolized as dull as Dun in the Mire, in Csol fa ut flat out of Tune, off the hinges, and I don't know howish, without caring to speak one single syllable to each other.
Pantagruel was taking a Nap, slumbering and nodding on the Quarter-deck, by the Cuddy, with an Heliodorus in his hand, for still 'twas his custom to sleep better by Book than by Heart.
Epistemon was Conjuring with his Astrolabe to know what Latitude we were in.
Fryar Ihon was got into the Cook-room examining by the Ascendant of the Spits, and the Horoscope of Ragousts and Fricassees what time o' day it might then be.
Panurge (sweet Baby!) held a stalk of Pantagruelion, alias Hemp, next his Tongue, and with it made pretty Bubbles and Bladders.
Gymnast was making Tooth-pickers with Lentisk.
Ponocrates, dozing, doz'd, and dreaming dream'd, tickled himself to make himself laugh, and with one Finger scratch'd his Noddle where it did not itch.
[Page 250] Carpalim with a Nut-shell, and a Trencher of Verne, [that's a Card in Gascony] was making a pretty little merry Windmill, cutting the Card long-ways into four slips, and fastning them with a Pin to the Convex of the Nut, and its Concave to the tarr'd side of the Gunnel of the Ship.
Eusthenes bestriding one of the Guns, was playing on it with his Fingers, as if it had been a Trump-marine.
Rhizotome with the soft Coat of a Field-Tortoise, alias eclip'd a Mole, was making himself a Velvet Purse.
Xenomanes was patching up an old weather-beaten Lantern with a Hawk's Jesses.
Our Pilot (good Man!) was pulling Maggots out of the Seamen's Noses.
At last Fryar Ihon returning from the Fore-castle, perceiv'd that Pantagruel was awake. Then breaking this obstinate silence, he briskly and cheerfully ask'd him, how a Man should kill Time, and raise good Weather, during a Calm at Sea?
Panurge, whose Belly thought his Throat cut, back'd the Motion presently, and ask'd for a Pill to purge Melancholy?
Epistemon also came on, and ask'd how a Man might be ready to bepiss himself with Laughing, when he has no heart to be merry?
Gymnast arising, demanded a Remedy for a dimness of Eyes?
[Page 251] Ponocrates, after he had a while rub'd his Noddle, and shak'd his Ears, ask'd, How one might avoid Dog-sleep? Hold, cry'd Pantagruel, the Peripateticks have wisely made a Rule, that all Problems, Questions and Doubts which are offer'd to be solv'd, ought to be certain, clear, and intelligible; what do you mean by Dog-sleep? I mean, answer'd Ponocrates, to sleep fasting in the Sun at Noon-day, as the Dogs do.
Rhizotome, who lay stooping on the Pump, rais'd his drowsy Head, and lazily yawning, by natural sympathy, set almost every one in the Ship a yawning too; then ask'd for a Remedy against Oscitations and Gapings?
Xenomanes, half puzzled, and tir'd out with new vamping his antiquated Lantern, ask'd, How the Hold of the Stomach might be so well ballasted and freighted from the Keel to the Main hatch with stores well stowed, that our humane Vessels might not heeld, or be walt, but well trimm'd, and stiff?
Carpalim twirling his diminutive Windmill, ask'd how many Motions are to be felt in Nature before a Gentleman may be said to be hungry?
Eusthenes hearing them talk, came from between Decks, and from the Capstern call'd out to know why a Man that's [Page 252] fasting, bit by a Serpent also fasting, is in greater danger of death, than when Man and Serpent have eat their Breakfasts? Why a Man's fasting-spittle is poysonous to Serpents and venemous Creatures?
One single solution may serve for all your Problems, Gentlemen, answer'd Pantagruel, and one single Medicine for all such symptoms and accidents. My answer shall be short, not to the you with a long needless train of pedantick Cant: The Belly has no Ears, nor is it to be fill'd with fair words; you shall be answer'd to content by signs and gestures. As formerly at Rome Tarquin the Proud, its last King, sent an answer by signs to his Son Sextus, who was among the Gabii, (saying this, he pull'd the string of a little Bell, and Fryar Ihon hurried away to the Cock-room) The Son having sent his Father a Messenger to know how he might bring the Gabii under a close subjection; the King mistrusting the Messenger, made him no answer, and only took him into his Privy-garden, and in his presence with his Sword lopt off the Heads o [...] the tall Poppies that were there. The Express return'd without any other dispatch, yet having related to the Prince what he had seen his Father do, he easily understood that by those signs he advis'd him to cut off the Heads of the chief [Page 253] Men in the Town, the better to keep under the rest of the people.
CHAP. LXIV. How Pantagruel gave no answer to the Problems.
PAntagruel then ask'd, what sorts of people dwell'd in that Damn'd Island? They are, answer'd Xenomanes, all Hypocrites, holy Mountebanks, Tumblers of Beads, Mumblers of Ave Maries, spiritual Comedians, sham Saints, Hermits, all of them poor Rogues, who like the Hermit of Lormont between Blaye and Bordeaux, live wholly on Alms given them by Passengers. Catch me there if you can, cry'd Panurge, may the Devil's Head-cook conjure my Bum-gut into a pair of Bellows, if ever you find me among them. Hermits, sham Saints, living Forms of Mortification, holy Mountebanks, avaunt, in the Name of your Father Sathan get out of my sight; when the Devil's a Hog you shall eat Bacon. I shall not forget yet a while our fat Concilipetes of Chesil; O that Beelzebub and Astaroth had counsell'd them to hang themselves out of the way, and they had [Page 254] do [...]e't, we had not then suffer'd so much by devilish Storms as we did for having seen 'em. Harkee me, dear Rogue, Xenomanes, my Friend, I pr'y thee are these He [...]i [...]s, Hypocrites, and Eves-droppers, Maids [...]r Married? Is there any thing of the Feminine Gender among them? Could a Body Hypocritically take there a small hypocritical Touch? Will they lye backwards, and let out their forerooms? There's a fine question to be ask'd, cry'd Pantagruel! Yes, yes, answer'd Xenomanes, you may find there many goodly Hypocritesses, [...]olly spiritual Actresses, kind Hermitesses, Women that have a plaguy deal of Religion; then there's the Copies of 'em, little Hypocritillons, Sham-sanctitos, and Hermitillons: Foh, away with them, cry'd Fryar Ihon, a young Saint an old Devil, (mark this, an old saying, and as true a one, as a young Whore an old Saint. Were there not such, continu'd Xenomanes, the Isle of Caneph for want of a multiplication of Progeny, had long ere this been desert and desolate.
Pantagruel sent them by Gymnast in the Pinnace seventy eight thousand fine pretty little Gold Half-Crowns, of those that are mark'd with a Lantern. After this he ask'd, What's o' Clock? Past nine, answer'd Epistemon. 'Tis then the [Page 255] best time to go to Dinner, said Pantagruel, for the sacred Line so celebrated by Aristophanes in his Play call'd Concionatores is at hand, never failing when the shadow is decempedal.
Formerly among the Persians Dinner time was at a set hour only for Kings; as for all others, their Appetite and their Belly was their Clock; when that chim'd, they thought it time to go to Dinner. So we find in Pla [...]tus a certain Parasite making a heavy do, and sadly railing at the Inventors of Hour-glasses and Dials, as being unnecessary things, there being no Clock more regular than the Belly.
Diogenes being ask'd at what times a Man ought to eat, answer'd, The Rich when he is hungry, the Poor when he has any thing to eat. Physi [...]ians more properly say, that the Canonical Hours are,
The famous King Petorsi [...]i [...]'s Magick was different— here the Officers for the Gut came in, and got ready the Tables and Cupboards, laid the Cloth, whose sight and pleasant smell were very comfortable; and brought Plates, Napkins, Salts, Tankards, Flaggons, Tall-boys, [Page 256] Ewers, Tumblers, Cups, Goblets, Basons, and Cisterns.
Friar Ihon at the head of the Stewards, Sewe [...]s, Yeomen of the Pantry, and of the Mouth, Tasters, Carvers, Cup-bearers, and Cupboard-keepers, brought four stately Pasties, so huge that they put me in mind of the four Bastions at Turin; [...]ods fish, how manfully did they storm them! What havock did they make with the long train of Dishes that came after them, how bravely did they stand to their Pan puddings, and pay'd off their Dust? How merrily did they soak their Noses!
The Fruit was not yet brought in, when a fresh gale at West and by North began to fill the Main-course, Misen-sail, Fore-sail, Tops, and Top-gallants; for which Blessing they all sung divers Hymns of Thanks and Praise.
When the Fruit was on the Table, Pantagruel ask'd. Now tell me, Gentlemen, a [...]e your Doubts fully resolv'd or no? I gape and yawn no more, answer'd Rhizotome; I sleep no longer like a Dog, said Ponocrates; I have clear'd my Eyesight, said Gymnast; I have broke my Fast, said Eusthenes; so that for this whole Day shall be secure from the danger of my Spittle
- [Page 257]Aspes.
- Amphisbenes.
- Anerudutes.
- Abedissimons.
- Alhatrafs.
- Ammobates.
- Apimaos.
- Alhatabans.
- A [...]actes.
- Asterions.
- Alcharates.
- Arges.
- Spiders.
- Starry Lizards.
- Attelabes.
- A [...]calabotes.
- Haemorrhoids.
- Basilisk [...].
- Fitches.
- Sucking Water-snakes
- Black Wag leg-flies.
- Spanish flies.
- Catoblepes.
- Horn'd Snakes.
- Caterpillars.
- Crocodiles.
- Toads.
- Night-mares.
- Mad Dogs.
- Colotes.
- Cychriodes.
- Cafezates.
- Ca [...]hares.
- Snakes.
- Cuhersks, two Tongu'd Adders.
- Amphibious Serpents.
- Cenchres.
- Cock [...]trices.
- Dip [...]ades.
- Domeses.
- D [...]inades.
- Dragons.
- Elopes.
- Enbyd [...]des.
- Falvises.
- Galeotes.
- Harmenes.
- Handons.
- Icles.
- Jarraries.
- Illcines.
- Pharao's M [...]ce.
- Kedusudures.
- Sea-hares.
- Chalcidic Ne [...]s.
- Footed Serpents.
- Manticores.
- Mulures.
- Mouse-serpents.
- Shrew mice.
- Milia [...]es.
- [Page 258] Megalaunes.
- Spitting Asps.
- Porphyri.
- Parcades.
- Phalangs.
- Pemphredons.
- Pine-tree-worms.
- Rutelae
- Worms.
- Rhagia.
- Rhaganes.
- Salamanders.
- Sloe-worms.
- Stellions.
- Scorpones.
- Scorpions.
- Horn worm [...].
- Scalavotins.
- Solofruidars.
- Deaf-Asps.
- Horse Leeches.
- Salt haters.
- Rot Serpents.
- Stink fish.
- Stuphes.
- Sabrins.
- Blood-sucking-flies.
- Hornfretters.
- Scolopendres.
- Tarantolas.
- Blind-worms.
- Tetragnathias.
- Teristals.
- Vipers, &c.
CHAP. LXV. How Pantagruel past the Time with his Servants.
IN what Hierarchy of such Venemous Creatures do you place Panurge's future Spouse, ask'd Friar Jhon? Art thou speaking ill of Women, cry'd Panurge, thou mangy Sco [...]ndrel, thou sorry, nod [...] [...]peak'd, shaveling M [...]? By the Cenomanic [Page 259] Paunch and Gixie, said Epistemon, Euripides has written, and makes Andromache say it, that by Industry, and the help of the Gods, Men had found Remedies against all poisonous Creatures; but none was yet found against a bad Wife.
This flaunting Euripides, cry'd Panurge, was gabbling against Women every foot, and therefore was devour'd by Dogs, as a Judgment from Above; as Aristophanes observes—Let's go on, let him speak that's next. I can leak now like any Stone-horse, said then Epistemon. I am, said Xenomanes, full as an Egg and round as a Hoop; my Ship's Hold can hold no more, and will n [...]w make [...] to bear a steddy Sail. Said Carpa [...]n, A Truce with Thirst, a Truce with Hunger; They're strong, but Wine and Meat are stronger. I'm no more in the Dump, cry'd Panurge, my Heart's a Pound lighter. I'm in the right [...]e now, as brisk as a Body-Louse, and as merry as a Beggar. For my part, I know what I do when I drink; and 'tis a true thing (though 'tis in your Euripide [...]) that is said by that jolly Toper Silenus of blessed Memory, that
[Page 260]We must not fail to return our humble and hearty Thanks to the Being, who, with this good Bread, this cool delicious Wine, these good Meats and ra [...]e Dainties, removes from our Bodies and Minds these Pains and Perturbati [...]ns, and at the same Time, fills us with Pleasure and with Food.
But methinks, Sir, you did not give an Answer to Friar Jhon's Question; which, as I take it, was, how to raise good Weather? Since you ask no more than this easie Question, answer'd Pantagruel, I'll strive to give you satisfaction, and some other time we'll talk of the rest of the Problems, if you will.
Well then, Friar Jhon ask'd how good Weather might be rais'd: have we not rais'd it? Look up, and see our full Top-sails; Ha [...]k! how the Wind whistles through the Shrouds, what a stiff Gale it blows; observe the Rattling of the Tacklings, and see the Sheats, that fasten the Main sail b [...]hind; the force of the Wind puts them upon the stretch. While we pass'd our time merrily, the d [...]ll Weather also pass'd away, and while we rais'd the Glasses to our Mouths, we also rais'd the Wind by a secret sympathy in Nature.
Thus Atlas and Hercules Clubb'd to raise and under [...] the [...]lling Sky, if [Page 261] you'll believe the wise Mythologists; but they rais'd it some half an inch too high; Atlas to entertain his Guest Hercules more pleasantly, and Hercu [...]es to make himself amends for the thirst which sometime before had tormented him in the Deserts of Africa.— Your good Father, said Fryar Jhon, interrupting him, takes care to free many People from such an inconveniency; for I have been told by many venerable Doctors, that his chief Butler Turelupin saves above eighteen hundred Pipes of Wine yearly, to make Servants and all comers and goers drink before they are a dry.— As the Camels and Dromedaries of a Caravan, continued Pantagruel, use to drink for the thirst that's past, for the present, and for that to come, so did Hercules; and being thus excessively rais'd, this gave a new motion to the Sky, which is that of Titubation and Tr [...]pidation, about which our crack-brain'd Astrologers make such a pother.— This, said Panurge, makes the saying good.
Nay, continued Pantagruel, some will tell you, that we have not only shortned the time of the Calm, but also much disburthen'd the Ship, not like Aesop's Basket, by easing it of the Provision, but by breaking our [Page 262] Fasts, and that a Man is more Terrestrial and heavy when fasting, than when he has eaten and drank, even as they pretend that he weighs more dead than living. However 'tis, you'll grant they are in the right, who take their Mornings draught, and Breakfast before a long Journey, then say that the Horses will perform the better, and that a Spur in the Head, is worth two in the Flank; or in the same Horse Dialect,
Don't you know that formerly the Amycleans worshiped the Noble Father Bacchus above all other Gods, and gave him the Name of Psila, which in the Dorick Dialect signifies Wings; for as the Birds raise themselves by a towering flight with their Wings above the Clouds; so with the help of Soaring Bacchus, the powerful juice of the Grape, our Spirits are exalted to a pitch above themselves, our Bodies are more sprightly, and their Earthy parts become soft and plyant.
CHAP. LXVI. How by Pantagruel's Order the Muses were saluted near the Isle of Ganabim.
THis fair wind and as fine talk brought us in sight of a high Land, which Pantagruel discovering afar off, shew'd it Xenomanes, and ask'd him, do you see yonder to the Leeward a high Rock with two tops much like Mount Parnassus in Phocis? I do plainly, answer'd Xenomanes, 'tis the Isle of Ganabim; have you a mind to go ashoar there? No, return'd Pantagruel. You do well indeed, said Xenomanes, for there is nothing worth seeing in the place. The People are all Thieves; yet there is the finest Fountain in the World, and a very large Forest towards the right top of the Mountain. Your Fleet may take in Wood and Water there.
He that spoke last spoke well, quoth Panurge, let us not by any means be so m [...]d as to go among a parcel of Thieves and Sharpers. You may take my word [...], this place is just such another, as, to my knowledge, formerly were the Islands of Sark and Herm between the smaller and the greater Britain; such as were the P [...]neropolis of Philip in Thrace; Islands of Thieves, Banditti, Picaroons, Robbers, Russians, and Murtherers, [Page 264] worse than Raw head and Bloody-bones, and full as honest as the Senior Fellows of the College of Iniquity, the very out-casts of the County-Goal's Common-side. As you love your self, do not go among 'em; if you go, you'll come off but bluely, if you come off at all. If you will not believe me, at least believe what the good and wise Xenomanes tells you: For may I never stir if they are not worse than the very Canibals, they would certainly eat us alive. Do not go among 'em, I pray you, 'twere safer to take a Journey to Hell. Hark, by Cod's Body, I hear 'em ringing the Allarm-Bellmost dreadfully, as the Gascons about Bourdeaux us'd formerly to do against the Commissaries and Officers for the Tax on Salt, or my ears tingle. Let's shear off.
Believe me, Sir, said Fryar Jhon, let's rather land, we'll rid the World of that Vermin, and inn there for nothing. Old Nick go with thee for me, quoth Panurge. This rash hair-brain'd Devil of a Fryar fears nothing, but ventures and runs on like a mad Devil as he is, and cares not a Rush what becomes of others; as if every one was a Monk like his Fryarship; a pox on grinning Honour, say I. Go to, return'd the Fryar, thou mangy Noddy-peak! thou forlorn druggle-headed Sneaksby! and may a million of black Devils Anatomise thy Cockle Brain. The Hen-hearted Rascal is so cowardly, that he berays himself for fear every day. If thou [Page 265] art so afraid, Dunghill, don't go, stay here and be hang'd, or go and hide thy Logger-head under Madam Proserpine's Petticoat.
Panurge hearing this, his Breech began to make Buttons, so he slunk in in an instant, and went to hide his Head down in the Bread-room among the musty Bi [...]ctuis, and the Orts, and scraps of broken Bread.
Pantagruel in the mean time said to the rest, I feel a pressing retraction in my Soul, which like a Voice admonishes me not to land there. Whenever I have felt such a motion within me, I have found my self happy in avoiding what it directed me to shun, or in undertaking what it prompted me to do, and I never had occasion to repent following its Dictates.
As much, said Epistemon, is related of the Daemon of Socrates, so celebrated among the Academics. Well then, Sir, said Fryar Jhon, while the Ship's Crew water, have you a mind to have good sport? Panurge is got down somewhere in the Hold, where he is crept into some corner and lurks like a Mo [...]e in a Cranny; let 'em give the word for the Gunner to fire yon Gun over the Round-house on the Poop; this will serve to salute the Muses of this Antiparnassus; besides, the Powder does but decay in it. You are i'th' right, said Pantagruel; here, give the word for the Gunner.
The Gunner immediately came, and was order'd by Pantagruel to fire that Gun, and then [Page 266] charge it with fresh Powder, which was soon done; the Gunners of the other Ships, Frigats, Gallions, and Gallies of the Fleet hearing us [...]i [...]e, gave every one a Gun to the Island; which made such a horrid noise, that you'd have sworn Heav'n had been tumbling about our Ears.
CHAP. LXVII. How Panurge beray'd himself for fear, and of the huge Cat Rodilardus, which he took for a puny Devil.
PAnurge like a wild addle-pated giddy Goat, sal [...]ies out of the Bread Room in his Shirt, with nothing else about him but one of his Stockins, half on half off, about his Heel, like a rough-footed Pigeon, his Hair and Beard all be powdered with Crums of Bread, in which he had been over Head and Ears, and a huge and mighty Pusse partly wrapt up in his other Stockin. In this Equipage, his Chops moving like a Monkey's who's a Louse-hunting, his Eyes staring like a dead Pig's, his Teeth chattering, and his Bum quivering, the poor Dog fled to Fryar Jhon, who was then sitting by the Chain-Wales of the Starboard-side of the Ship, and pray'd him heartily to take pity on him, and keep [Page 267] him in the safeguard of his trusty Bilbo, swearing by his share of Papimany, that he had seen all Hell broke loose.
Woe's me, my Jackee (cry'd he) my dear Johny, my old Crony, my Brother, my Ghostly Father, all the Devils keep Holy-day, all the Devils keep their Feast to day, Man; Pork and Pease choak me, if ever thou sawest such preparations in thy life for an Infernal Feast. Dost thou see the smoke of Hell's Kitchins? (This he said shewing him the smoak of the Gun-powder above the Ships) thou never sawest so many damn'd Souls since thou wast born; and so fair, so bewitching they seem, that one would swear they are Stygian Ambrosia. I thought at first, (God forgive me) they had been English Souls, and I don't know but that this morning, the Isle of Horses near Scotland was sack'd with all the English who had surpris'd it, by the Lords of Termes and Essay.
Fryar Jhon, at the approach of Panurge, was entertain'd with a kind of smell that was not like that of Gun-powder, nor altogether so sweet as Musk; which made him turn Panurge about, and then he saw that his Shirt was dismally bepah'd, and beray'd with fresh Sir-reverence. The retentive faculty of the Nerve which restrains the Muscle call'd Sphincter ('tis the Arse-hole an't please you) was relaxated by the violence of the fear which he had been in during his fantastic Visions. [Page 268] Add to this the thundering noise of the shooting, which seems more dreadful between Decks than above. Nor ought you to wonder at such a mishap, for one of the Symptoms and Accidents of fear is, that it often opens the wicket of the Cupboard wherein second-head-meat is kept for a time. Let's illustrate this noble Theme with some Examples.
Messer Pantolfe de la Cassina of Siena, riding Post from Rome, came to Chamberry, and alighting at honest Vinet's▪ took one of the Pitch-forks in the Stable, then turning to the Inn-keeper, said to him, Da Roma in qua io non son andato del Corpo. Di gratia piglia in mano questa forcha, & fa mi paura. I have not had a Stool since I left Rome, I pray thee take this Pitch fork and fright me. Vinet took it, and made several offers, as if he would in good earnest have hit the Signor; but all in vain, so the Sienese said to him, Si tu non fai altramente, tu non fai nulla: Pero sforzati di ad operarli piu guagliardamente; If thou dost not go another way to work, thou hadst as good do nothing; therefore try to bestir thy self more briskly. With this, Vinet lent him such a swinging stoater with the Pitch-fork sowce betwen the Neck and the Collar of his Jerkin, that down fell Signore on the ground Arsyversy with his spindle shanks wide straggling over his Pole. Then mine Host sputtering, with a full-mouth'd laugh, said to his Guest, [Page 269] by Belzebub's Bum-gut, much good may do you, Signore Italiano take notice this is Datum Camberiaci, given at Chamberry. 'Twas well the Sienese had untruss'd his Points and let down his Drawers; for this Physick work'd with him as soon as he took it, and as copious was the evacuation, as that of nine Buff [...]loes and fourteen missificating Arch-lubbers. Which Operation being over, the mannerly Sienese courteously gave mine Host a whole bushel of thanks, saying to him, Io ti ringratio, bel messere; cosi faciendo tu m [...] ai esparagnata la speza d'un Servitiale. I thank thee good Landlord, by this thou hast 'een sav'd me the expence of a Clyster.
I'll give you another Example of Edward the Fifth King of England. Master Francis Villon being banish'd France, fled to him, and got so far into his Favour as to be Privy to all his Houshold Affairs. One day the King being on his Close stool show'd Villon the Arms of France, and said to him, dost thou see what respect I have for thy French Kings? I have none of their Arms any where but in this Back-side near my Close-stool. O [...]'s Life, said the Buffoon, how Wise, Prudent and careful of your Health, your Highness is! How carefully your Learned Doctor Thomas Linacer looks after you! He saw that, now you grow old, you are inclin'd to be somewhat Costive, and every day were fain to have an Apothecary, I mean a Suppository or [Page 270] Clyster thrust into Royal Nockandro, so he has, much to the purpose, induc'd you to place here the Arms of France; for the very sight of them puts you into such a dreadful Fright, that you immediately let fly, as much as would come from Eighteen squattering Bonasi of Peonia: and if they were painted in other Parts of your house, by Jingo, you would presently conskite your self wherever you saw them: Nay, had you but here a Picture of the great Oriflamb of France, Ods-bodikins, your Tripes and Bowels would be in no small Danger of dropping out at the Orifice of your Posteriors.— But henh, henh, atque iterum henh.
A Cockney of short reach, I say, shallow of Judgment, and judging shallowly to wonder, that you should cause your Points to be untrussed in your Chamber before you came into this Closet; by'r Lady at first I thought your Close-stool had stood behind the Hangings, or your Bed, otherwise it seem'd very odd to me you should untruss so far from the place of Evacuation. But now I find I was a Gull, a Wittal, a Woodcock, a meer Ninny, a Jolt- [...]d▪ a Noddy, a Changeling, a Calflo [...] [...] [...]oddipole. You do wisely, by the [Page 271] Mass, you do wisely; for had not you been ready to clap your hind Face on the Mustard-Pot as soon as you came within sight of these Arms, mark ye me, Cop's Body, the bottom of your Breeches had supply'd the Office of a Close-stool.
Fryar Ihon stopping the handle of his Face with his Left hand, did, with the Forefinger of the Right, point out Panurge's shirt to Pantagruel; who, seeing him in this Pickle, scar'd, appall'd, shivering, raving, staring, beray'd, and torn with the Claws of the famous Cat Rodilardus, could not chuse but Laugh, and said to him, Pry'thee what wouldst thou do with this Cat? With this Cat, quoth Panurge, the Devil scratch me, if I did not think it had been a young Soft-chin'd Devil, which, with this same Stockin instead of Mittain, I had snatch'd up in the great Hutch of Hell, as Thievishly as any Sizar of Montague Colledge could ha' done. The Devil take Tybert, I feel it has all bepink'd my poor hide, and drawn on it to the Life I don't know how many Lobster's Whiskers: with this he threw his Boar-Cat down.
Go, go, said Pantagruel, be bath'd and clean'd, calm your Fears, put on a clean Shirt, and then your Cloaths? What! do you think I am afraid, cry'd Panurge? Not I, I protest; by the Testic [...]es of Hercules, I am more hearty and stout, tho' I say it that should not, than if I had [...]all [...]wed as many Flyes as are [Page 272] put into plumb Cakes, and other Paste at Paris, from Midsummer to Christmas.— But what's this? hah! oh, ho, how the Devil came I by this? Do you call this what the Cat left in the Malt, Filth, Durt, Dung, Dejection, soecal Matter, Excrement, Stercoration, Sir-reverence, Ordure, Second-hand-meat, Fewmets, Stronts, Scybal or Syparathe? 'Tis Hybernian Saffron, I protest, Hah, hah, hah, 'tis Irish Saffron by Shaint Pawtrick, And so much for this time. Selah, Let's drink.