PRESBYTERY! the very Name implies Age and Gravity, therefore not to be exposed to the Obloquie of more Green and Frothy Wits, that are employ'd in Reviling this Inno­cent Faction; whereas Reverence ought to be given to the Gray Head, according to Merit, which is not to be Buffoon'd and Flurted at by every young Fop, who has not Phlegm enough to allay his Gall, nor Discretion sufficient to check his Hot-headed Passi­ons in their full Career: Nay, the word Puritan, a Nick-name God­father'd on them by some of our scoffing Shimei's, and Rakehel Rabsha­keh's, implies in its genuine signification, no other than Purity; Like the Catharists of Old, who pretended to be more Sanctimonious than the rest of their Brethren, free from wilful Sin, tho sometimes ac­companied with Humane Frailties and Immoralities, and those suffici­ently Notorious, as you shall understand by this ensuing Character.

As for the common Name of Phanatic, it is the Appellative of all Dissenters from our Holy Mother the Church of England; and so Con­sequently not to be Appropriated solely to them: but he that denies it to any Faction, deserves to be Caged up in that stately Structure in Moorfields, as much as any Lunatic that ever was confin'd thereto, since its Original Erection. But to return to the Matter in hand; if you take into your Serious Consideration the ensuing Character of the Presby­tery, [Page 2] I presume it will rince out all the Stains they have been Tainted with, and wipe away all those Opprobrious Calumnies they have been be-spatter'd with by some Black-mouth'd Buffoons. In short, take it as followeth: A Presbyter is a Person that Inveighs against Debauchery in General, and Thunders out Anathema's in a very Nonsensical Ha­rangue against Drinking, Whoring and Swearing; but for Dissimulati­on, Hypocrisie, and Lying, Belzebub is not able to out-do him: And as I have heard it from one of the Rabbies of the Westminster-Sanhedrim, if there be one Place in Hell hotter than the other, that is the Portion of the Hypocrite; but I leave the Reader to make Applica­tion. He's a Man that always appears with a writh'd Close-stool Face, and makes such Grimaces, that you must needs think him to be on the Jakes, strain'd by the Operation of a smart Cathartic; so that it may be said of him more truly than it was of one of the Roman Emporors, Ingenium male habitat. His Wit (if any) is ill lodg'd, his Soul is couch'd in a very Crabbed and Untoward Apartment; he ever ap­pears, at best, like a Man out of his Wits, with a Swaggering pair of Ears, but not one inch of Hair; whereby you ought to understand, my Beloved, that he is no Legal Nazarite in the first place, and has been so Fortunate as to keep his Lugs on his Logger-head, tho by the Law of the Land he deserves to have them cropt (if not cut off) as well as the Triumviri of their Order, Professors of the Three most Noble Sci­ences in the Nation, Divinity, Law, and Physick. He is Mercurius Coelestis, the Divine Mercury, or Prime Gazeteer, who acquaints the Lord of Hosts with the Success of Battles fought by his Peculi­ar People (as he Cants it in his Religious Jargon) during the late Un­exampled Rebellion; and was the only Trumpet that Rais'd and Fo­mented it. He Out-gapes a Tarpaulin in a Hurricane, which induceth me to believe that the Distance of the Heavens is more remote than Astronomers hy their Observations have Discovered, or otherwise his Affected and Squeaking Tone were enuf to reach the Blessed Spirits, and Disturb them in their Heavenly Chorus of Hallelujahs. He is the true Pulpit-Boffoon, the Ecclesiastical Mammamouchie, such a Cusheon-Cuffer, that it wants no Dusting for a Twelve-Month after. He can Prate and Pray (as he mis-calls it) three hours com [...]leat by the Clock, with the Additional Help of Spawling, and the Assistance of Time-spending Coughs, Hums, and Haws; and Assaults the Deity daily with his Incongruous Preachment, that there is need of the Glo­rious Attributes of Patience and Long Suffering to Bear with, and For­bear him. The Sight of that Innocent and Decent Ornament, the Surplice will frighten him into a Tertian, and the Harmonious Sound of a well-tun'd Organ, touch'd by a Skilful Hand, cast him into an Hectic Feaver; a Distemper that scorns the power of Drugs, and is only Cur'd by Death. He's one that pretends to Religion, but abhors all Decency and Order; a Slovenly Fellow in Divinity, a mere Cloak [Page 3] or Demicaster-Divine, that scorns, and indeed deserves not, the Ornamental Vesture of Cap and Gown. One that is ever Pregnant, yet with nothing but Impertinence, and that too much too; who still winks in his prayer, as if he knew the very Way to Heaven Blind fold, or were at Blind-mans-buff with his Blinder Congregation: So Starch'd and Formal in his Looks, that the Philo [...]opher, shou'd he see him, wou'd cer­tainly laugh a second time, when an Ass mumbling of Thi­stles, at first was the occasion of it; and then he begins and tires the Infatuated Auditory with — Lord! we know Lord! ah Lord we do! that thou Lord know'st, good Lord! that we know nothing; and we thank thee, O Lord, O Lord, I say, with Ingemination, we return thee Thanks, that thou hast been pleas'd of thy great Goodness and Mercy, to make us sen­sible of our Nothingness: to make us empty our Selves of all Wordly and Carnal Things, for the Love of thee! — But enuf of this senseless Gibberish. And what think you is the Reward of this Ejaculatory Vanity? Why, he is Supported for it by those (that want Wit, God kno's, more than he does Mo­ney) I mean the Quarterly Benevolence of an Apron'd Audi­tory, that Comfort the Cockles of his Heart with Cawdles and Restoratives, weekly at least; besides the Religious Vails that he receives at a Galloping-Lecture; and the Work of the Day being over, then he makes use of a Point of Chamber-Ex­hortation, and bestows on his Benefactresses a Holy Kiss, and so Engenders Faith and Goodness in them, by his Close-ma­nag [...]d Consolation: Now if after that, according to the usu­al time, an Infant chance to Peep into the World, out of one of those Sanctifi'd Wombs, 'tis doubtless a Babe of Grace, a Brat of the Genevan Reformation, being begot by so Zealous a Bigot, on a Superstitious and Over-credulous Devota. Ra­badineira, and the Spanish Mariana, are the two Politic Jew­els that he keeps in his Closet, who hath so imbib'd their King-Killing Tenets, that it is a matter of no small Difficulty to Judge, whether the Jesuit be Presbyteriz'd, or the Presbyter Jesuited; there is such a Metempsychosis and Transamination a­mong them, that it would puzzle Pythagoras himself to judge which is which; and if you ad the Directory, and Assemblies Annotations, you have a Complete Catalogue of his Library. Nay farther, He's a pretty Beagle that Howls forth Sedition, and Belcheth out Blasphemy, A la volee, at Random; and if a well-minded Christian be his Remembrancer, and Tax him with his Error, he then has Recourse to his Zeal and Fervor, and affirms that his Holy Language is un-understood by the Prophane Reprover. Set-Forms of Prayer he calls the Stifling of [Page 4] the Spirit, and meer Lip-labour, which are an Abomination to the Godly; but to Preach and Pray Extrumpery, and ad Saltum, O! there's the life and pulse of Religion, in such Fervent Oraisons and Vigorous Ejaculations. If there be one Sentence of Sense or Coherence in Two Hours Discourse, he that hears him may venture to forfeit both his Sense and Rea­son; for his Folly in Lavishing away his Time at so Idle a Rate. His Method is Singular, for he Quotes you a Scripture, and then as soon plays the Fugitive, runs away from his Text, and Prates so long, till his Auditory run away from him too, before he has done. He's such a Cushion-Cuffer, that he beats the Suggestum, till the Place Eccho's with the Noise of his Hand-Cuffs; and it is impossible for a Man over-grown with a Deep Lethargy, to take a Nap in his Conventicle; for be­fore he can do that, he will catch you (as Moss caught his Mare) Napping. The Common Prayer is his Common Grief, tho' some of the Common People Curse him for it; but he, like a Religious Fox, verifies the Proverb, The more he's Curs'd the more he Thrives. He's a Turbulent Fop, who is never Content with any Government, till his Head be Elevated a Pole higher than his Shoulders; and in truth, London-Bridge is the best place for a Presbyterian Noddle. He studies Invectives against the Pope, and in plain English, upon the account of his Ecclesiastical Authority, is himself but a Parochial Pope­ling, and Damns and Saves ad Libitum, as he pleases; like his Holiness, who presumes to do so too. He walks as Demurely as a Spaniard, or like a Man newly Recover'd of a Consumpti­on; so that you may say the Dominical Prayer between every step. He's a Man of a Crazy Constitution at best, and when he Salutes you, he pulls off his Castor with more unbecoming For­mality and Simple Affectation, than a Countrey Carrier. He's of a Stubborn Inflexible Perswasion, one that will Bow to a Kirk-Jockey, but not the Lord Jesus: he will Cringe to a Ho­ly Sister, but can't bend the Ham in the Lords Prayer. Yea, and Nay, is the Standard of his Conversation, and I solemnly Protest and Vow, the highest of his Asseverations. In truth his Religion is but a meer Puppet-show, for he delights only in Formality, tho' he hates all Approved Forms of well Regu­lated Devotion. Look upon him in Puris Naturalibus, and Nature has Imprinted a Lively Character of him; for he is but an Inch on this side of a Natural. His True Zeal he pretends to (if any) is too Hot, and his false Religion (as we justly term it) is too Cold. In short, He's a Church Incendiary, a Pulpit Boutefeu, an Ecclesiastic Buffoon, a Preacher of Sedition, [Page 5] a Fomenter of Rebellion, a pretended Friend both to King and Countrey; but in truth the sole Enemy of both. And so we leave him and his Faction to a Condign Punishment here, and conclude with a slight, tho' home Touch, of their State here­after, by an account of a late Vision in Hell. That there are no Presbyters in Hell, that's the Tenet which was prov'd Irrefra­gably, by the Great Learning and Sophistry of a Reverend El­der (I mean Presbyter, for that's his Down-right English Name) who did hold forth in that Large and and Spacious Con­gregation at Pinners Hall, and in his Sermon did sufficiently ex­patiate on the Commendations and Merits of the Presbytery, returnng great Acknowledgement to the Disposer of all Things, that his Lot was cast to be one of that Society, and happily Clos'd his Ingenious Harangue with this his late Vision: Not long ago, when the Sun had deserted our Hemisphere, and all things were at their Rest, but the Active Fancy of Man, I was suddenly surpriz'd with a Strange, but True Dream, that I was by an unheard of Providence, carried into Hell; where arriv'd, I to satisfie my Curiosity, Gaz'd about, and there I saw, as my Imagination prompted me to believe, seve­ral Popes, Emperors, Potentates, Kings, Queens, Cardinals, Jesuits, Independents, Brownists, Anabaptists, Quakers, Mil­lenarians, with a vast number of Monks and Friers; nay, some of all Professions whatsoever, whether Civil or Ecclesia­stical: But upon the strictest Survey I cou'd make, not one Presbyter appear'd among them all: So that with Erected Hands I Darted up a Pious Ejaculation to Heaven, that it was my Chance, by the Assistance of Providence, to be of that Re­ligious Order, of whom many were Deceased, but none for their Impieties sent to Hell; and so he concluded his Harangue with a fresh Panegyric of the Presbyterian party.

The Sunday subsequent, it was the fortune likewise of an Independent to Teach in the same Congregation, where he made a large Repetition of the major part of the Presbyterians Work, the precedent Day, and did bemoan himself that he was not so Happy to be of that Fraternity; but in fine, he ac­quainted the Assembly as followeth; I, said he, also had a Vision, wherein I imagin'd my self in Hell, and espied seve­ral persons of all Orders, especially of the Independents, which made me with Astonishment Exclaim, O what a Bles­sed Order is this! O that I had been a Presbyter! O that I had never understood Independency! But recollecting my self, as my phancy prompted me, I Beckon'd to a Diminu­tive Fiend in that Infernal Region, whisper'd to him, and [Page 6] asked him, Whether there were no Presbyterians in those Territories? Who Replied very Affably and Civilly, That there were none, but that they were Lock'd up in a large Con­tignation below the place where I was, and there they were in Multitudes, and Throng'd so fast to those Subterraneous Regions, that there was scarce room enuf to contain them: but they were too Seditious to be in the Common Apart­ment of the Damn'd, for if they were, they would set Sa­tan's whole Kingdom on Flame, and put all his Inhabitants and Vassals into an Universal and Domistic Rebellion. Nay farther, that he durst not let them have a Mariana or Cal­vin, for fear they shou'd Preach Sedition, and be over­heard, and so consequently set his whole Dominions into a Combustion.

To close all with the words of a Learned Pen, There was never such a Monster as the Quondam Ruling, and Constitu­ted Presbytery: The Father of it Rebellion, the Mother Insurrection, the Midwife Sacrilege, the Nurse Covetousness, the Milk Schism, the Coats Armor, the Rattle Drums, a Bloo­dy Sword the Coral, and Money the Babies it delights to play withal: It gro's up to be a Stripling, and goes to School to a Council of War, its Lesson is on the Trumpet, it's Fescu a Pistol, it's going out of School is in Rank and File, it's Play­days the Days of Battle, and black Monday the day of Judge­ment. It com's of Age, and is Married with a Solemn League and Covenant, it begets Children like it self, whose Blessing upon them is the power of the Sword, and whose Imposition of hands are broken Pates. This Monster pulls down the truly Ancient, Apostolic Power, which the Bishops exercised, and delivers up their King to the Hang-Man. And thus farewel, thou Notorious Impostor, known by the Common Name of Jack Presbyter.