CHAP. I.

THere is nothing that is a greater Subject of Admiration, or has crea­ted more Wonder in me, than the great Difference and Ʋnreasonable­ness of some persons attaining, and others again missing, Preferment; and the variety of Methods conducing thereunto: it often wait­ing upon some without either Endeavour or Merit, and as often flies those who are most excellently qualified in Both.

I confess I could never guess at the Causes of this so seemingly great a piece of Injustice, [Page 2]unless they may be applicable to one of the two subsequent (I beg pardon for calling them) Reasons.

First then, If you'll believe the Astrologers, there are some that are unfortunate even in their Nativity, or (as they call it) Diis ini­micis atque iratis, vel malo astro natus, born under an unlucky Planet; so that notwith­standing all their Care and Industry, Misfortunes and they are yok'd, and under a necessity of be­ing made inseparable Companions. This seems to be an unreasonable Imposition, and the Persons that so unfortunately groan under it, are not to be accounted culpable, since the rigour of their Fate has made it indispensible.

Secondly, If the Cause is not thus infallib­ly obligatory, another may be the result of In­advertency or Fear, (either of which may be reckon'd our own Crime) which may occasion us the missing that Critical Minute, which the Philosophers say if it be not embrac'd, never presents it self more—Stat sua cuique dies. Every one has his time.

Strike while the Iron is hot, and you anvil our what you pleaese; whereas once cold, you meet with an Impossibility to effect that, which before you might have perfected with the greatest sa­cility.

Well then! our Excise-Man being thus much resin'd from common Earth, and conse­quently having been so fortunate as to escape the first, and so prudent as to seize the last, he is listed in the large (excuse me for the presumption of Sensible) Roll of His Majesties Officers: when he is no sooner accosted with Expressions suitable to their Authors; That he is the perfection of Scandal and Infamy, the general result of a Broken Shop, and Intellerable Burthens, which the world has been al­ready too much troubled with.

To satisfie the Rational part then, were the following lines thought of, that they may be assur'd, that that Employment is not manag'd by those, who are beyond exception contra­dictory to (at least) common sence; Or are such perfect strangers to any pleasure the World is Capable of giving, but far Exceed any particular sort (if not all) Mankind.

And this will instantly convince them, since it's never oppos'd but by the Ignorant (Ars non habet inimicum praeter Ignorantem) who not only know them not, but are not capable of doing it; and inded nothing less can be Expected from those who are not unfitly compar'd to one of their Barrels, that is wholy Empty, for they cannot come into Competition with an Eighth.

In short, these are the most capable of Ma­gistracy in the Famous and Learned Norcia (a Town in the Apennines 25 miles from Rome and belongs to a Cardinal) of whichSup. to Dr. Burnets Let. p. 79. a late Author gives this incom­parable Character, That though it lyes within the Popes Territories, yet no Man can have a share in their Jurisdicti­on, that can Write or Read: So that their Go­vernment, which consists of four Persons, is al­ways in the hands of (Li quatri illuerati) the four Illiterate.

Oh! Jam satis est o he! 'Tis certainly high time to conclude, and, were I capable, ought to Apologize for pretending to characterize him, who cannot without regret view any Man whom Fortune seems to favour; who cannot with any Satisfaction endure the praising any but himself, whose torments are antarctiek to all other Disturbances, since he makes felicity the cause of his Infelicity, and any Mans wel­fare, the Occasion of his Sickness; whose good Opinion none can purchase, but at the Extrava­gant Rate of being eternally undone; and shall therefore conclude with the Epigrammatift—

Twice ignorant you are, 'tis Strange yet true, Nothing you know, and yet most wretched you Know not, that ever yet you nothing knew.

CHAP. II.

AS it's very observable, there was never any Emhusiast that set up for immediate Revelations, deriving thereby a pretended Authority to utter his Nonsensical and Atheisti­tal Notions, but has acquir'd some Proselues (either weak Women or weaher Men) let them he ever so Absurd and Ridiculous; And as there was never any Mountebank or Empyrick in Phy­sick, let him be as Empty as his Ʋrinal, and as void of Learning, as a Jockey of Honesty, yet this Catholick Block-head, what by his French Mustacho's and broken English, has gain'd some Patients [...] to maintain the Plush-jacquet of the Cobling Doctor, so its indubitable, that let an Aspersion be cast on any Officer, by the most in­sitid Brute of the Creation, he shall not only meet with almost innumerable Abettors, but be held in eternal Admiration for his ingeaious Pnn, whereas its connection is the same our Poet speaks of.

So that, although it meets with as great a Contrariety as the expectation of the Smokes descending (it being a perfect contradiction, and Heterogeneous in nature) yet it would make one stagger, to see how he values himself up­on his luckie thought, and happy reflection, whereas there was nothing a fitter Subject for laughter and detestation.

I remember a Story of an Ingenious Gentle­man, whose Coat happening to be made some­thing too short, our Wit immediately censur'd it, the Gentleman told him it would be long enough before he should have another, which he admir­ingNihil est quin male nar­rando possit de­pravarier. resolv'd to make it his own by a repetition in another Com­pany; and told them, it would be a great while before he should have another, leaving out the word long, wherein the whole (if there was any) Wit lay; yet, I say, meets with no small ad­miration, because it flows from such inspir'd Lips, whereas he considers not the Rationale, which is indigna digna habenda sunt quae Herus facit: So that it being generally the result of the flattery of an inferior (to gratifie a more ignorant Superior) we shall look upon it as such, and equally value it as that King did his Coun­cellor, who to humour his Soveraign, saw that invisible Star.

Whether these merit the name of Men of Parts, that shall thus admit of such an Imposition, we shall not here dispute; but that it generally prevails, may not only be prov'd by what has been said, but even out of the Ancients themselves: Aristippus by his Ex­traordinary Qualification in that Art, gain'd the good Opinion of Dionysius far more than Dyon the Syracusan could by his Plain dealing; as did also Cleo beyond Calisthenes with Alex­ander.

That these with the Androgeni in Pliny are as variable as Thought, or with Wax receive any Impression, may be allow'd of, if we con­sider, that they take even a suggestion for granted thô it be Malice in the Abstract; and are so prodigiously Weak, as not to know, that it is only pretended to by those, who have an Eternal Dependance; nay, this often arrives to that excess, that it frequently exposes them to the Epithet of Ridiculous: Thus Carysophus laugh'd because his Master Dionysius did, though he knew not for what; which he seeing, de­manded the Cause: Carysophus reply'd, I think that which creates Laughter in you, is worth Laugh­ing at. Thus Clysophus when Philip of Macedon halted because of the Gout, he dissembled the same Imperfection. Accordingly, what you deny he forswears; what you affirm, he justi­fies; if you weep he is sad; if you laugh he is merry; and all this while in reality neither, [Page 8]but in obliging those on which insinuating observance their subsistance does depend.

It cannot but be acknowledg'd, that I have dwelt much too long on this subject, but it so often and immediately concerning the Persons I am pretending to vindicate, I hope an ex­cuse will be easily admitted of, and shall there­fore Conclude with his Character in Brief: He is before hand with your thoughts, and able to suggest them unto you. He will commend to you first what he knows you like; and hath always some absurd. Story or other of your Enemy, and then wonders how your two opinious should so jump to­gether in one Man.

CHAP. III.

THat there can be any thing more intol­lerable than unmerited Reflections is so palpably True, that it would be altogether impertinent to enforce its Demonstration: And although in such a large Community, it would be almost next to an Impossibility to expect, that every one should be exempted from them; yet since the Majority at least must be allow'd to be so, he must arrive to a more than ordi­nary Degree of Assurance, that should therefore conclude the same of the Whole. So that a single (suppose a bad) Action perpetrated by a par­ticular Member, is no more to be attributed to the Society, than that the profligate Life of one Person should be supposed to be allow'd of, and tollerated by the Religion he outwardly makes a Profession of; which continually explodes and detests it, since he is hourly endeavour'd to be unmasked and detected, by all the Care and Inspection Imaginable.

I shall therefore acquiesce, as suppose it al­low'd of, by the Unprejudiced, that each one bears the Scandal that is the infallible Result of his own particular Crimes. And here only observe, That the general Objection to their Happiness is, that they are Vagabonds, Out-Comers, [Page 10]Ubiquitarians, &c. and consequently think it not improper to affirm, that abstra­cting the Pleasures, Profits and Qualifications hereafter specified, that inevitably attend our Excise-Man; yet there is somewhat more to be said in his Vindication, and that therefore the Objection is naturally Frivolous, False and Erronious.

We all know that standing Lakes and Pools are never clear or wholesome, and those destru­ctive Fogs and Mists, which ever proceed from them, have always no small influence upon the adjacent Inhabitants, whereas those pleasing (because rapid) Streams, being in perpetual Motion, wholly remove the Cause which in­fallibly ingenders their Contagion.

Again, we are positive, by ocular Demon­stration, that Trees themselves cannot possibly bear such delicious Fruit where they were Originally fixed, as when they are transplanted; and the most bewitching Perfumes are wholly in­significant, and render not their Odeurs with­out the motion of being rubbed and chafed. And we also all know that the fixed Stars are not of that account or esteem, as those that have continual Motion.

But our Excise-Man knows an additional Rejoynder in his own Vindication, which be­ing very pertinently expressed by the Epigrammatist, Owen l. 7. v. 100. I presume there is no necessity of Apologizing for its Quo­tation.

CHAP. IV.

BEfore we come to demonstrate the parti­cular Excellencies that inevitably attend the Person and Employment of our Excise-Man, above the lowest dregs of Men, the Vulgar, and the Felicity he enjoys, notwithstanding the seve­rest Censures of the most Critically Censori­ous; it may not be amiss to observe, that there might be something ab initio parti­cularly respecting him;Haec Homo. For as some compare his Head to the Round Hea­vens, his Eyes to the Sun and Moon, his Hairs to the Trees and Grass; his Flesh to the Earth; his Veins to the Rivers, and his Bones to the precious Gems, Metals and Minerals, which are the Riches of the Earth; so some have been led to imagine, that his Body was not made in all the Geometrical Proportions that are or can be thought of, but as a Demonstration of the Excellency of our Excise-Man, who should make the greatest use of them.

For all Numbers and Proportions of Mea­sure, whether Inches, Cubits, Feet, &c. are deriv'd from the Members and Dimensions of Him, some few of which may not be imperti­nently subjoin'd.

First then, Let us see how a Circle was thought of; for let but the Hands fall some­what stradling a little with the Legs, the Ex­tremes of the Fingers, Head and Toes, make as exact a Circle as you are capable of making with your Unerring Compasses, where you may, if you please, make the Navel the Cen­ter.

Again, A Geometrical Square is a Superficial Figure made up of four equal Sides or Angles: Now for a Demonstration of this Figure from Man's Body, it is but stretching out your Hands as far and directly upon a Plane as pos­sible from each side, the Body being exactly up­right, and the Feet clos'd together.

Lastly, A Triangle is a Figure containing three Sides: Now if the Body be plac'd directly up­right, and a Line drawn from each extended Hand, to the Feet enclos'd, it makes an exact Triangle.

Several other Geometrical Figures might be deduc'd from Humane Bodies, but since Pro­lixity is never obliging, and not at all corres­pondent to my present Design, (which wholly aims at Brevity) I shall now wave it, and leave the curious Enquirer to his further Examina­tion of the rest.

CHAP. V.

THere is nothing of Excellency but is atten­ded with difficulty, for where any thing is obtain'd without it, it forthwith ceases to be excellent; Could every Mechanick be a Profici­ent in the succeeding Arts, who would esteem them Excellent? And could every Illiterate be a Philosopher, its excellency would quickly ter­minate in a mean Opinion: Could every igno­rant Rustick attain to a perfect knowledge in the Mathematicks, its Excellency would be con­verted into Contempt; So that difficulty being an inseparable Attendant on every Art that can properly assume the Epithet of Excellent, it is the chiefest cause of its Estimation; whereas o­therwise, the Excellency that now deservedly waits upon them, would quickly dwindle a­way, and they be render'd wholly despicable, if not Scandalous, and altogether unworthy to be attain'd, much less to be had in the least Esteem or Veneration.

For Demonstration then, that they have climb'd over the chiefest Excellencies that in­fallibly attend the following Arts, we do posi­tively affirm, That if an Excellent inspection in­to the general parts of the Mathematicks will create estimation, if an absolute knowledge of Vulgar and [Page 16] Decimal Arithmetick will produce Commendation: Or, if a great proficiency in Geometry will me­rit Admiration, our Excise-Man claims them all by Undeniable Prescription.

He can tell you that the Mathematicks in General, Are those Arts and Sciences which carry along with them the irresistible force of Demonstra­tien; which are instanc'd in the following Par­ticulars, viz. Arithmetick, Geometry, Musick, and Astronomy.

We cannot exclude him from a Competent knowledge in them all, but must aver an ex­cellency in the two first: And shall therefore only tell you here, that he knows Arithmetick to be an Art of Numbering well; and if you would be fully satisfied herein, Consult the Books already expo'sd by many Eminent Gaugers on it.

As for Geometry, he can tell you that it is an Art of due proportion or Measuring (the Earth) and that it contains three kinds of Magnitude (according to that Exquisite Artist Mr. Hunt in his Gauger's Magazin) viz. Lines, Surfaces, and Solids, Nature not admitting of any more; Length, Breadth, and Depth, taking up the whole of Space.

He tells you a Line hath only Length whose Boundaries are points; a Surface hath Length and Breadth, whose Boundaries are Lines; and [Page 17]that a solid hath length, breadth, and depth, or thickness, whose Boundaries are Surfaces.

He further informs you, that every of these three kinds of Magnitude is Measur'd by some known kind of Magnitude, that is Homogenial, or like to it self, viz. A line is Measur'd by a line, as one lineal Inch, &c. a Surface by a Surface, as one Square, Inch, &c. and a Solid by a Solid, as one Solid Inch, &c.

And when it is known how many Lineal Inches are contain'd in a Line, Square in a Surface, or Solid in a Solid, then is the Quan­tity or Content of either of these Magnitudes said to be known.

Thus far in General, and I must beg the Sus­pending of your Expectations of Particulars, until I acquaint you, that notwithstanding our Excise-Man's prudence, oblig'd him not to omit the grasping this critical opportunity, yet he was not Ignorant of the impossibility of arriving to any allowable proficiency in these incomparable Speculations, without a corre­spondent Genius, and natural Inclination; for he knows very well, that what Cicero said of Poe­try (and which himself found too true in his Intolerable O Fortunatam natam me Consule Ro­mam) that it was not possible to be a Poet by Rule or Precept; so is it here, for without an agreeable Instinct, he can never advance to any perfection in them, in regard they car­ry [Page 18]Demonstration along with them; and a­mongst all the Histories the world has ever produced, we can find very few (if any) that have prov'd themselves any way eminent with­out it; for as they inform us, that as Socrates after he had learn'd the Art of Poesie by Theo­rems, yet was he not ever capable of making one verse: So cannot we find the incompa­rable Euclid any way famous, take him out of his own Element. This we see also sufficiently demonstrated in Mark the Son of the unpa­rallel'd Cicero, who notwithstanding his Fa­ther's severe Injunctions, admirable Instructi­ons, together with the assistance of Athens the then most Celebrated Academy of the Uni­verse; yet I say, not being possess'd with this innate tendency, he prov'd in the end but a Sub­ject of Contempt and Scorn.

Our Excise-Man then finding this Sufficient­ly grafted in him, he Cheerfully proceeds.

I had here (according to promise) intended a particular Extract of his Excellencies in the preceding Arts, Demonstrating his Manage­ment of Common-Brewer, Distiller, and Victu­aller, out of the Incomparable Stentography of the Honour'd Mr. Everard, the Exquisite [Page 19] Magazin of Mr. Hunt, the Ingenious Gauger's Practice of Mr. Ward, and all others who have arriv'd to any Eminency in those Inimitable Qualifications: But shall at present suspend my intentions herein, in regard I find this part increasing too considerably on my Hands, and only here observe, that were the knowledge of most of his Censuring Criticks herein questi­oned, their answers would be wholly as im­pertinent as the Question of the following Norcian.

A young Gentleman in the time of Popery, coming from the University, his Father had an extraordinary desire to know what Proficiency he had made, and in order thereunto desires an Eminent Monk to satisfie his Curiosity there­in by a Particular Examination, who being (no doubt) very sensible of his own parts, boldly accosts with,

What was Latin for a Priest?

Sacerdos, which was deny'd, and affirm'd to be Sapientia, because of his great Wisdom.

What is Latin for a Cat?

Felis, which was contradicted, and told Asper, because of her Sharp Nails.

What is for Fire?

Ignis, but he was assur'd it was Letitia, for what can produce more Gladness in cold Weather?

What is for Water?

Aqua, no says the Monk, it is Abundantia, because of the abundance of it in Sea and Land.

Lastly, he ask'd him what was Latin for a Barn? the Scholar replying Horreun, was confronted and told Gaudium, for what great­er Joy then a Barn full of Corn: Well! this heat being over, the former was applauded for his profound parts, and the latter discarded for his Ignorance; who thereupon took a Cat, and tying a Fire-Brand to her tayl, threw her in­to the Monk's Barn, and cry'd out, O Sapientia, Sapientia, Asper currit cum Letitia, & si non veneris cum abundantia, munquam intrabis in gau­dium tuum; who for getting his Elaborate La­tine, was immediately ruin'd.

But not to be Impertinently prolix, I shall conclude, that since there is nothing of Excellen­cy but is attended with Difficulty, as has been de­monstrated, and that since he has wholly o­vercome the difficulties that wait on the pre­ceding Arts, I must not say he is therefore Excellent, but I must aver (fiat Justitia & ruat coelum) he merits a far greater Character than he or they desire, but

CHAP. VI.

HAving thus, with all the Brevity imagi­nable, run over some of those extraordi­nary Qualifications that attend our Excise-Man, and his Excellency in the preceding Arts, I shall subjoin some few Lines in relation to his knowledge of Men; for he knows very well, that though the reading of Books cannot but be own'd to be extremely advantageous, if rightly understood, yet he also knows it to be wholly useless, without putting the Notions it insinuates into practice; which reading of Men consists chiefly (at lea [...]t in my Opinion) in a regular Behaviour on all Emergencies, that he does not ignorantly impose on others, and that he is not impertinently impos'd on himself: For the bare reading of an allow'd Maxim, is whol­ly throwing away those Minutes which an Heathen reckons to be highly culpable^(a) ; Otii mei reddendam rationem Cato putat. He might very well blush to hear Vespatian tell him, Amici! diem perdidi. For it is not to under­stand, but to perform; not to know, but exe­cute; not to read, but practice, which one [Page 22]can be properly call'd a Man for; the former being but the Shell, the latter the Kernel. And as that Lethargick Soul must of necessity lie wholly fallow that reads not at all, so it must be naturally consequential, that he that does, and exerts not himself according to its authen­tick Dictates, and vigorously prosecute that knowledge into Action, lies under an extrava­gant want of being manur'd, and can be taken no otherwise than a Contemplative Blockhead.

Well then! As 'tis plain that ou [...] Excise-Man knows what to do, so also is it as plain that he does it too; and that this may infal­libly appear, I shall briefly instance in the great regard he has to (that contemn'd, and almost lost thing call'd) Justice, which he hourly demonstrates towards

• (1) The KING.
• (2) The SƲBJECT.

He exercises the first in a continu'd and un­snaken Fidelity, on which as neither Affection can prevail, so neither must Malice (which ge­nerally attends Mankind) attempt an altera­tion in him: For (abstracting the guilt of that hellish Vice call'd Perjury) the very base­ness; of the Action, and thoughts of being guilty of abhor'd Ingratitude, (which is al­low'd to be the very Epitome of all other Crimes) sufficiently terrifies him: For as he very well considers with what detestable Ig­nominy [Page 23] Humphrey Banister lies, for betraying the Duke of Buckingham, notwithstanding the many Favours the Duke had confer'd on him, and his Protestations of concealing him. So he also very well knows what Trophies, and Im­mortalizing Fame attend the Ashes of Hubert Burgh ^(a) , who was Governor of Dover Castle to King John, when Lewis of France came to storm it, and take the Town; who finding it difficult to be done by Foree, he sent a Messen­ger to Hubert, whose Brother Thomas he had a little before taken Prisoner, that unless he would surrender the Castle, he should present­ly see his Brother Thomas put to death with exquisite Torments before his eyes: But this Threatning moved not the Fidelity of Hubert at all, who more regarded his Trust, than his Brother's Life. Then Lewis sent again, offer­ing him a great Sum of Money; neither did this move him, for he had resolv'd to preserve his Loyalty as inexpugnable as his Castle.

But this Fidelity our Excise-Man boasts of in his Duty, implies also an industrious per­formance of it; for he is very well satisfied, that to be Faithful, and not Diligent, is a Con­tradiction: For though a Man may be honest in all he does, yet he is not honest for not doing all, and consequently by his falling short of in­dustriously performing his Duty, he lies under [Page 24]the indelible Character of being Ʋnjust; and he knows that though others may command their Time, it being, as they call it, their own; yet he is satisfied he cannot, in regard he is paid for it, and consequently becomes ac­comptable.

Besides, he is not ignorant what Plautus as­sures him of, (for if he had, he must not have ever pretended to the Name he bears) Qui è nuce nucleum esse vult, srangit nucem; there is no Sweet without its Sweal; no Gain without Pain; he must crack the Nut, that will ea [...] the Kernel. And also what eternal Scandal the Greeks ^(a) lie under by Seneca, that spent their time in such unprofitable, as well as impertinent Dis­putations, as, How many Rowers Ulysses had? Which Homer writ first, his Iliads or Odysses? So that they spent their Lives laboriously in doing nothing, their Conceits being such, that if they kept them to themselves they could yield them no Fruit; and if they publish'd them to others, they would only appear more learnedly troublesom: Or, as Terence upbraids them with Quid? Credis dormienti haec tibi con­fecturos Deos? Do you think to lie in Bed, and have your work done?

To be short; He concludes that these are Lessons adapted only for those who are subject [Page 25]to the Ferula, or Men much more ignorant, and consequently may be tolerable in them, but in him it would be altogether unpardonable: For as some Men have sin'd in the Principles of Humanity, and must answer for not being Men, so he offends if he be not more; Magis extra vitia, quam cum virtutibus ^(a) ; No Lustre is expected from the minor Stars: but if the Sun should not illuminate, it were a Sin in Nature.

CHAP. VII.

HAving thus far consider'd our Excise-Man as a Servant, let us now take a short Sur­vey of him as a Subject, and here we shall find him an absolute Enemy to the talking (the a great Lover) of the Government; For he knows the Persons as well as the Government of Kings to be Sacred, and are not to be censur'd by every Insect, that crawls only by the influ­ence of their Rays, they being that Primum Mo­bile that wholy occasions the moving of all In­ferior Beings.

He knows it to be nice and Dangerous to think (much more talk) meanly of these Earth­ly Deities, since they are sisted from that com­mon Bran that wholy moulds up other Mortals; He is positive in the Excellency of the advice a Gentleman gave when Prisoner for not obser­ving it, Vincula da Linguae, vel tibi Lingua da­bit.

Quae supra nos nihil ad nos, is of a long standing, and although spoken by an Heathen, yet its observation had sav'd many Christian beads; he has read Suetonius, and from thence tells you, that in the Reign of Tiberius Nero Caesar, a certain Droll, seeing a Corps passing by to Burial, he stop'd the Hearse, and lifting [Page 27]up the Dead Body, desired him to tell Au­gustus, that the Legacies which he left the People were not yet paid; Whereupon Ti­berius commanded him to be brought, and ha­ving paid him his due, Executed him immedi­ately, and desired him to tell Augustus so himself.

Thus you see the Persons and Actions of Kings are not to be jested with, since Destru­ction is the inevitable Consequent, which his continu'd observation of the madness and folly of it in others, has fully covinc'd him off: Feli­citer Sapit, qui alieno periculo Sapit: The best way of buying Wit, is with other Mens Money: He is satisfied the Countrey Man was very much in the right in the following Story.

A Person of Quality walking the Fields, and staying too long, a considerable Fresh increa­sed a Brook (which he was necessitated to re­pass) beyond its wonted Limits, and observ­ing a Plowman in the adjacent Field, call'd for the assistance of his Horse. Upon which the Plowman approach'd, and demanded what he was? The Gentleman reply'd, He was Sir H. W. And what more? reply'd the Rustick, The Gentleman subjoin'd, That he was Justice of the Peace, Deputy-Lieutenant, &c. And what else? says our Countryman. Why, in short, says the Gentleman, I am also Parliament-Man for the County. Oh! Are you so, (says the [Page 28] Plowman) then you shall stay there for me; For I will have nothing to do with State-Af­fairs.

And as our Excise-Man is wholly satisfied in relation to the Government in general, so has he full Contentment under his present Cir­cumstances in particular; and thankfully em­braces whatever his Superiors suppose necessa­ry for him. And indeed there is a necessity in a Man of Prudence for it; for though wee'l allow Merit ought, yet is it altogether im­possible it should always meet Preferment: For as 'tis an allow'd Axiom, Fortuitum est nasci à Principibus; so is it here, he having (as is before mentioned) nothing but his Critical Minute for it. Besides, the Numbers in this Age are extravagantly numerous that lie un­der an Equality, and those of Places are no way answerable to those of the Persons meri­toriously pretending to them; so that for him to repine, (who has already attain'd a consi­derable Form in it) would make him beyond the degree of Ridiculous.

Again, We cannot allow of every Person that thinks himself deserving, to be in reality so; for though in the Sphere he at present moves in, he does it with an allow'd Appro­bation, yet since none is so ignorant but knows, that there is a considerable difference between Ruling and Obeying, the former requi­ring a total alteration of the Man from what [Page 29]he was when the latter; which his Superiors being sensible of, (who are much more com­petent Judges of Him, than Himself) possibly at present think it not for his Advantage; hence is it that many ingenious Men meet with a Stet. But our Excise-Man never thinks of Advancement 'till his Commissioners do, and receives it then with an Ex Mero Motu; and if they should, his chiefest Ambition is to climb up to their good Opinion, on which on­ly he values himself: So that he is not intoxi­cated with that ambitious Madness, as to covet that which he is no way capable of perform­ing. Or, with Phaeton, rather hazard the burning of the whole World, than miss the gratifying his wild and irrational Inclinations. He knows Solon, one of the wise men of Greece, complains of a young Nobleman of Athens, That if he could but have pluck'd out of his Head the worm of Ambition, and heal him of his greedy desire to Rule, that then there could not be a Man of greater Virtue than he.

And as he is not Ambitiously inclin'd, much less is he guilty of Envying the good Fortune of others; nay, though possibly, less deserv­ing than himself. Envy is defin'd by some to be the hatred of another's felicity in respect of Superiors, because they are not equal to them; in respect of Inferiors, lest they should be equal to them; and in respect of Equals, be­cause they are equal to them: but our Excise-Man, [Page 30]Sorte sue contentus, envies none of their Places, but their Parts and Virtues; of which notwithstanding he becomes a daily Emulator; and in all other things he follows the Advices of the Poet,

[...].

But lastly, (which indeed is high time to come to) he feeds not himself up with that which is highly improbable, if not altogether impossible to come to pass; and indeed it would make Heraclitus himself burst, to observe what ridiculous Fancies some persons enter­tain of their future Grandeur, when the pos­sibility of it is no otherwise grounded, than that of the poor Priest's, who being asked why he was going to Rome from his own Countrey? Reply'd, It was because the Pope being dead, he did not know but that he might be chosen Pope.

CHAP. VIII.

HIther to have we (with all the Brevity we were capable of expressing) consider'd our Excise-Man's Behaviour, in relation to the KING; let us now take a short Survey of that respecting the Subject, and that

• First, To those under his Inspection.
• Secondly, To those who are not.

First, Concerning those under his Inspecti­on, I shall briefly insinuate, That our Excise-Man being assur'd, that as Justice is painted without Eyes, to demonstrate that she never makes any distinction of Persons, so (as he has read out of Quintilian) he knows there were several Images of Judges erected in A­thens without Hands, to shew that they should not be corrupted with^(a) Bribes. The first, he is sensible is prejudice to the Person offend­ing, the second to himself, unjust in taking, and both Perjury ^(b) in performing; which Consideration has such a powerful Influence over him, that he is even shy of a Familiarity: [Page 32]For though Humanity obliges him to a com­mon Respect, yet Prudence denies an Intimacy; the Censure of the World being now arriv'd to that extravagant pitch, as to draw positive Conclusions from very uncertain Premises. I mean a bare word, a confirmation of its reali­ty, though indifferent in its intention. Be­sides, he knows if he should once prove false, (as he highly must if thus guilty) the odds are very unequal, but they will too; that lie not under such invincible Obligations: so that if that Theological Maxim^(a) , That things wrongfully got, have a very uncertain Assu­rance, convinces him not; yet that Political one of Seneca is absolutely prevalent, That it is a great Fault to believe every one, and a great one too to trust One ^(b) , which makes him in this Case to acquiesce with Chaucer, when he tells us,

For since he knows the generality of Mankind frequently verify the Adage of Alterâ ma [...]u fert lapidem, panem ostendit alterâ, he is resol­ved to follow our Poet's advice, [Page 33]

Secondly, As our Excise-Man is not Rigorous, so is he not Timerous in the execution of his Office: The first intimating an immoderate Severity, the last a bale^(a) Pusillanimity. He is not to be biass'd by his excited Passions, nor hector'd by Affronts and Clamor. He con­siders the Loser, claims the priviledge of Speaking, but not of Prating. He allows their asking Questions moderately, but not making Solutions scandalously: Such Persons ever cal­ling all things into question, but are not ca­pable of approving any thing; which Con­sideration leads him to the remembrance of the Adage, That he that will allow himself to be a Sheep, must also allow himself to be eaten by the Wolves.

I would not be here mistaken, as if our Ex­cise-Man should be guilty of opprobrious and railing Terms, generally predominant, No; But he either moderately convinces them with the severest Scrutinies of Reason, or (to those not susceptible of such) answers them with Silence. He knows such Language be­comes only Billingsgate, and not any there, [Page 34]but the weaker Sex. He concludes it very much beneath a Man (much more an Excise-Man) to be guilty of such scandalous Actions, so ex­travagantly contradictory to those common Rules of Civility, he is so strictly charg'd, as well as desires to be observant of. He is satis­fi'd those who offer such base Scurrility, ap­pear absolute Reprobates to every thing that can be call'd modest or good, and consequent­ly dispense with each Action that exhibits the Epithet of Scandalons. He is positive the Ʋn­discerning Crew, being uncapable of satisfaction in rational Answers, he will give them none at all: so that though he cannot deny but it must administer disturbance to the Giver, yet he is resolv'd it shall not to the Receiver: And when an Injury is done him, and 'tis not in his power to revenge himself of it, he then dissembles, and takes no notice of it; but when it is, he generously forgives it. He remembers the Story of the Earl of Carnarvan, who being in a Cof­fee-house, and accidentally falling into dis­course with a Doctor of Physick, the Doctor told him he ly'd; The Earl, though a Person of much Honour and Courage, without ta­king any offence at it, mildly reply'd, Doctor, I had rather take the Lye of you a thousand times, than Physick once.

And also that of Bishop Cooper, who having a froward Wife, lest her Husband should pre­judice his health by his over-much Study, when he was compiling his famous Dictionary, one [Page 35]day (in his absence) got into his Study, and took all the Notes he had been gathering in eight years, and burnt them; where of when she had acquainted him, he only said, Woman, thou hast put me to eight years study more. So that he is resolv'd that nothing shall interrupt that Current of Courtesy and Civility he at first imblb'd, which he knows, is not punctu­ality of Behaviour; I mean, that which con­sists in certain modish and particular Ceremo­nies and Fashions in Cloaths, Gesture, Meen, Speech, or the like, is not using such Discour­ses, Words, Phrases, Studies, Opinions, Games, &c. as are in fashion in Court with Gailants, Ladies, &c. this is a constrain'd Formality, not Civility; a complying with the Times, not with Persons; and varieth with the Age or Season frequently, according to the Fancy of mechanick Persons in their several Profes­sions: whereas the Rules of Civility, founded upon Prudence and Charity, are to Perpetuity unchangeable; and consists^(a) in not expressing by Actions or Speeches any Injury, Disesteem, Offence, or undervaluing of any other, in being ready to do all good Offices, and ordinary kindness for another, and receiving no Injuries or Offences from others, i. e. in not resenting every Word or Action, which may (perhaps rationally) be interpreted to be Dis steem or Ʋndervaluing. But, [Page 36]

CHAP. IX.

BUT to return: As our Excise-Man trusts them not with a Secret, so dare he not to venture them in relation to their Occupation; for Concealments are as natural to a Retailer, as a Cittern is to a Barber, or Burnt-Brandy to Madam B— which rather than miss, he would hazard the Plagues of Europe, or (which is the same thing) the mercy of the French King: And, I presume, it would be no Sole­cism, or (I was going to say) an Affront, to affirm them terms Synonimous, they ever reck­oning it no breach of the Principles of Honesty to cheat the Excise-Man, but rather a Duty incumbent to secure that which they call their own. The result of this Consideration exerts his diligence, and consequently concludes, Qui quaerit inveniet, He that will have an Hare for Supper, must hunt in the morning. He knows Labour and Diligence to be the Mistresses of all commendable Arts, without which, none ever yet arriv'd to any Character in the Com­monwealth that may be call'd considerable. Scaliger and Aquinus (two the most conside­rable Pillars and Standards of Learning in the Universe) never got that considerable Emi­nency, but by Watching and Labour. And Croesus himself got not his Riches by lying [Page 38]still. Nay, it gives a great addition to its sweetness; for as Hunger is the best Sawce, so Labour creates the best Palate.

Or (I beg pardon, but cannot avoid it) the consideration of the Ant's diligence, is no small Incitement to him, thus describ'd by Horace, Lib. 1. Ser. 1.

It is observ'd by the Naturalists, that Natu­ra nihil fecit frustra, and from thence Dr. [Page 39] Brow [...]e ^(a) contradicts the common Notion of the Camelion's living by the Air; for to what purpose should that Animal be by Nature sup­pli'd with Guts, Stomach and Tongue, if it fed upon that Airy Aliment which has not a necessity of, or indeed an occasion for, them? So to what purpose should she have deliver'd a Soul into the Body which hath Arms and Legs, (only Instruments of Action) but because it was intended the Mind should make use of and employ them; and though Atlas has the whole World in possession, yet is he oblig'd to bear it too.

Another Inducement our Excise-Man has for exercising this Industry, is what he has read in Plautus, Videte quaeso, quid potest pecunia! Assem habeas assem valeas; He knows a Man shall be valu'd and esteem'd according to what he hath. He hath read the Story of one of the Emperors of Turkie, when some of his Flatterers attempting to make him believe his Beard commànded Adoration, and was worth the World. Upon which (to demonstrate the Almighty Power of Money) he commanded it to be shav'd, and sent to the Market with this Proclamation, That the Grand Signior's Beard was expos'd to a Barter; but (as the Historian tells us) it went not so far as a Pen­ny, and would not buy a Pound of Meat. I [Page 40]cannot avoid Horace's account of its force, and if you'l forgive me this once, I can assure you I have almost done with my Fragments of Latin, &c.

A third Encouragement for our Excise-Man's Diligence, is the Consideration of the Mutability of all Sublunary Affairs, and since no Mortal is so firmly fix'd but may (nay fre­quently does) meet with Vicissitudes, he is certain of a much more uncertainty: For though that wheeling Goddess is not unsitly compar'd to the Moon, in her variety of Di­stributions to all, yet to him she is ever in her last Quarter, immediately ready for her wonted Change. Publick Places having many Mutations incident to them, which miss all other ways of living, and consequently he waits in a continual expectation of it. And [Page 41]as he remembers the Advice of Juvenal ^(a) , If once a Man falls, all will down with him; so is he not ignorant of the Advice of Henry the Great of France, when having promoted a Person of low degree to be Chancellor, who thereupon had his own lively Effigies (made in a curious piece of Arras Hangings) stand­ing upon the uppermost part of Fortune's Wheel, which he having shewed the King, You would do well, said the King, to pin the Wheel fast, lest it should turn again.

This foresight of his Discharge, is no small Spur to him for the laying up an honest Provi­sion against it, and therefore is not unmindful of the Adages, That as 'tis^(b) good to have two Strings to one's Bowe, so is it also to make^(c) Hay while the Sun shines. But there is a further Consideration that obliges him to an indefatigable Diligence; for if Poverty drowns the most towering parts, and makes even Youth^(d) ridiculous, it must of neces­sity follow, that it must be the very abstract of all Misfortunes, when accompanied with Infir­mities and old Age, he being then arriv'd to his Ne plus ultra, and consequently to an impos­sibility [Page 42]of recovering his neglected Minutes. And he knows that since all Men are not born under those fortunate Planets, as to have a Competency procured for them, he is resolv'd creditably to secure one, before the vigor of his Youth shall meet with an abatement, this being his only Harvest time, which he must wholly depend on in the Winter of his Age; and in regard he remembers it a common Con­clusion, That a young Serving-man is generally an old Beggar; he sleeps not without joining with the Opinion of Horace:

Thus Englished by Mr. Creech—as I re­member

These are some of those prevailing Argu­ments which induce our Excise-Man's diligent performance of his Duty; and not question­ing but the meanest Capacity apprehends that by that word, I mean a faithful execution of it, as is instanc'd before; I shail not trouble the Reader with Repetitions, but shall descend to the last as well as chiefest Argument in­tended, and that is, that his great Master (to whom he is responsible for his well-being) is not defrauded; and though the former Rea­sons may in some sense be allowable, yet they cannot in the strict Rules of Probity, unless they meet conjunctively with this. 'Tis He only allows him that Competency he enjoys, by a frugal management of which, he may not only live without any other dependance, but^(a) secure an Asylum for futurity. And it would certainly be the highest piece of In­gratitude (than which the Heathens^(b) reck­on'd nothing worse) in him, if he made not this his chiefest Aim and Resolution, since In­gratus, qui beneficium accepisse se negat quod ac­cepit; Ingratus, qui id dissimulat; rursum Ingra­tus, qui non reddit: at omnium Ingratissimus est qui oblitus est.

CHAP. X.

Since then our Excise-Man is satisfied, that the generality of Mankind (I mean those constant Defrauders) are what Aexander was wont to say of Antipater, That outwardly he did wear a white Garment, but that it was al­ways lined with Purple; that is, fair in their Speech, but foul in their Actions. It follows then, as a natural result of the Premises, that he only things of ease, but works on; and though it may be his chance to succeed Industry it self, he concludes not therefore that they ought to be confided in, since he knows no Bar­ber shaves so close, but another may find some work. Neither shall the consideration of their having often commuted for it, be any Remora to his Search, they having another Considera­tion too, viz. some hopes of retreiving their former Losses, by continu'd Fallacies. Nay, though their refunding has been succeeded with sufficient Admonitions of forbearing the like Practices, yet they will not, or cannot hear, the former for the precited Reason, and the latter (I mean still among those common Cheats) for that of the Epigramatist:

Being thus resolv'd, he embraces every Op­portunity, and lets not any thing miss him for want of Circumspection and Care. He is watchful to an Excess; and if he sleep, it is as the Naturalists observe of the Hare, i. e. with his Eyes open; for he always considers, that Foxes when sleeping have nothing fall in­to their mouths.

He is satisfied this alone will not be suffi­ciently prevalent, and therefore has ever an Assistant incognito, which he never discevers but when necessitated; and he knows it a great piece of Imprudence, (Quid non mor­tali pectora cogis Auri ^(a) sacra sames?) as well as Ingratitude, not to return a suitable encouragement; for he that gives thee a Ca­pon, ought to have a Leg and a Wing. But though he disputes not the frequent occasion of it, yet he knows there is not a continual necessity, and therefore its allowance is agreed [Page 46]on with Restrictions: For notwithstanding two Eyes is said to see better than one, yet he had rather (considering the predo. [...]inant Infi­delity, especially in relation to an Excise-Man's Secrets) trust one of his own, than thrice the number that are not, if with a possibility it can be perform'd without them; and ever remembers the Rule, That what thou sanst do thy self, rely not on another.

Our Sinner being thus detected, has made himself subject to the offended Law, and con­sequently to the mercy of our Officer, who has ever a great regard to distinguish between the Circumstances of the Person and Offence: This he makes his chiefest study, he ever per­ceiving it an esteem'd Qualification. He knows Compassion a natural Attendant on Po­verty, and it would be wholly unpardonable in him (who ought to be a leading Example of it) not to give an unquestion'd Demon­stration of it upon every necessitated Oppor­tunity. He allows it insignificant, to offer at a Supply from those, who have a daily occasion of begging one He owns it ridiculous, to struggle for satisfaction from those who cannot give it their own Belly. He is satisfi'd it is highly culpable, warrantably to sink those who are already crusht, or to offer the making himself fat, by their lean and inconsiderable Incomes. He concludes it very impertinent, to patch up his Fortunes from those, who, to his hand, are out at heels, or to cover himself [Page 47]with their Nakedness. He denies not but that Cruelty is the rigorous effect of an evil-dispo­sed Will, and the Fruit which is reap'd from Injustice: And if it is dormant in the canker'd Breast, he is resolv'd it shall not in his that is sound. He confesses the Offender has com­mitted a Fault, and he acknowledges he should commit a greater in not extenuating the Mulct: And that it is equally scandalous to expect Impossibilities, I mean, from the for­mer in making, and the latter in expecting Reparation. He has read, That the most Ig­noble Beast is ever the most Cruel; and that the Noble Lyon passes by that submissive Prey, which the unpitying Tyger unmercifully de­stroys. The frequent Observation of this in others, is sufficient to make any but him an absolute Pythagorian, and allow a Metempsychos [...] of Panther's Souls into the Bodies of much more cruel Men: These he abominates, [...] will totally abandon, since they are not adm [...] ­ted to have an humane Composition.

Or, as Withers puns it:

Yet he knows too, that that which cannot be made into Butter, may be made into Cheese: [Page 48]But since 'tis ever allow'd, that it is as great Cruelty to spare all, as to spare none, our Excise-Man is resolv'd upon his former Distin­ction, and that therefore the Capable are not to be thrown into an immediate Oblivion, knowing that thereby he would wholly contra­dict the very intention of the Law, which ex­hibits Fines, Penalties and Forfeitures in Ter­roren [...]; Inops Aadacia tuta est, having no rela­tion to him, and will therefore prove a vain and successle [...]s Excuse: For notwithstanding the Law pardons the Poor, (that is tacitly, because they have nothing) yet it does not therefore follow that it should forgive the Rich, or those who have enough, it falling not under the Rules of Charity or Compassion, to an exact observation of which, our Excise-Man lies under an indispensible Obligation. Besides, he supposes it equally Criminal to hurt the Innocent, and to let the Nocent go free, where there is something conveniently to be spar'd. He that dances must pay the Fid­ler, and he that conceals must produce. He that mixe [...] [...]ust pay for it, and then no doubt will be witty, beyond the assistance of Cam­bridge or Oxford, since Wit bought is better than Wit taught; so that as he that confesses may be hang'd, so he that denies must com­mute.

CHAP. XI.

HAving given you some few of those Re­marks I have made on our Excise-Man's Behaviour towards those under his Inspection; I come now to instance his Demeanor towards those who are not, which ought to be parti­culariz'd in a treble Capacity, viz. to his Su­periors, Equals and Inferiors: But in regard this would occasion a Volume alone, and conse­quently swell beyond the intended Brevity of these Papers; and since also many of these Observations would interfere with those al­ready deliver'd, I shall refer the Reader to the numerous Books on that Subject, especially that Compleat Tract of Education of Young Gentlemen^(a) , (which is our Exeise-Man's admir'd and inseparable Vade Mecum) and content my self with the bare hinting some few he lies under a necessity of observing, qua­tenus an Excise-Man.

Let Fortune throw him into what Company soever, he is sure not to be profane; he knows it Capital to reflect on Earthly Majesty, and to have mean apprehensions, much more [Page 50]expressions, of that tremendous Arbiter and Disposer of us his speaking Worms, that can with the same ease reduce them to their pri­stine Chaos, as he then allow'd them a Cre­ation. I say he is satisfied, that he who thinks there can be no Jest, without the addi­tion of an Oath, and consequently the pro­faning his Name, who, in a minute, may cast the whole Creation in an Ague-fit, is far be­yond the assistance of Helebore it self, it being a certain Indication of a confirm'd madness: And instead of the Excise, is fit only to be an Inhabitant of Poneropolis, a City built by^(a) Philip King of Macedon, who having assembled the most profligate Wretches, and those whom he imagin'd beyond the reach of Admonition, put them into this City which he built on pur­pose, and call'd it the City of the Profane.

The Spanish Proverb says, Tell me his Com­pany, and I'll tell you the Man; his choice is ever for the best: For he knows, that as the Profane can only assist him in his Damnation, so the Poor can never help him at all; and he concludes, that as either of them are to be avoided, so is also the Company of Fools, who can be no way serviceable towards the im­provement of his Intellectuals, which he pre­sumes to be the design'd Origin of Society. And although his Place may inevitably cast [Page 51]him amongst them, yet he is ever upon his Guard, and, with the Persians, fights flying; and indeed there seems a necessity of his being well arm'd, to clear himself of the greatest part of the World's Composition; and it is his whole study to make himself a Separatist herein, for he knows in relation to the first, that Contamination is an infallible Incident, since the defil'd Fly that feeds on dung, has ever its correspondent colour. To the second he is satisfied against ordinary Company, since the meanness of the Commodity makes it for every Bodies money. And in respect to the last, he concludes, that as it is no advancement of his Qualifications, so must it of necessity immerge those he was so happy in before, Scandal and Infamy being its inseparate At­tendant; nay, he is satisfied out of Seneca, 'Tis only keeping Childrens company, who will never arrive to Mens estate, Nam inter ca­tera mala hoc quoque habet stultitia, semper incipit vivere—

He is very sensible of the Deference payable to those who move in an uncommon Sphere, and though in strictness he may imagine he does, yet he is not so extravagantly Ignorant, as to suppose his Intimacy with the Gentlemen of the Countrey wherein he is sent (which is wholly occasion'd by their Condescention) should im­ply a parity: He is (it's true) a Gentleman by his Place, but they by Descent, and he knows very well that one Post may destroy [Page 52]that Gentility he pretends to, whereas theirs admits of a duration equivalent with time it self. He is satisfied it lies in the Power of his Masters with or without Reason to reduce him in statu quo; whereas an extenuation of their quality supposes an Impossibility: and that it may be palpably evident that their Circum­stances no way admit of a Competition (ab­stracting the certainty that attends them, and the incertainty that follows him) and conse­quently that a submissive regard is perfectly obligatory; he considers, That (as tis allow'd by all) it may sometimes fall in the way of the most Indigent to do him a kindness, it must certainly happen often in the Power of the Rich to perform that which he will not ima­gine altogether acceptable.

And since this cannot admit of a Contra­diction, our Excise-Man, of consequence, al­lows of this Regard to be a part of Prudence as well as his Duty; for it would be an Infal­lible Demonstration of a Soul totally Eclips'd that should not offer a suitable respect to those who not only command it by all the Injuncti­ons both Sacred and Profane, but very fre­quently proves that Tenth which gives Life and Motion to all inferior Orbs, and is the effici­ent cause of the Elevation of those Persons and Parts, by a certain and progressive Advance­ment, that have any way demonstrated them­selves meritorious of it.

Besides, it has always been observ'd that an obliging submission and condescention has been ever the discriminating Character and Distinction of a Gentleman, for those of the greatest minds and best Extractions, are ever the most obliging and humble; whereas those of the most abject Spirits are the most Insult­ing and Imperious; Alexander the^(a) Great, though Terrible in the Field, yet was of a gentle complaisant Conversation. Familiarly treating those about him: Yet Crespinus, Nar­cissus, Nymphidius, and others Enfranchised Bond men we find insolently Trampling upon the Roman Senators and Consuls. So that a­mong the Innumerable other Arguments for its observation, he pays it, to avoid the Cen­sure of being imagin'd of the Dunghil straine.

I say this Humility is so firmly fix'd in him, that he might be thought Superior to that that's Common, for he very well remembers the Roman History from whence he is assured, That this winning vertue was so Conspicuous and Charming in Cincinnatus, that though he conceal'd himself by digging in a Garden, it sent [Page 54]him quickly thence and gave him the prefer­ment of Dictator.

But this submission in his Behaviour to Su­periors ought to be carryed much further, it being his Duty in a double capacity, for as it is required from every Person in general among Christian as well as Ethnick Communities; he has a further obligation for the Perfor­mance of it, I mean the Injunctions and Po­sitive Commands of those Commissioners to whom he is oblig'd for his Employment. 'Tis their reiterated orders to Demonstrate an obliging Complacency to all, but an e­special Submission to the Gentlemen they meet with in their admir'd Perambulation; Nay, this particular has been so often inculcated by private Orders and Printed Directions, that were we not apprehensive of a daily necessity for its Remembrance, we should with Submission imagine it lay under the Guilt of a Repetition. This then becoms his Duty under a double Notion, the former as a Man, the latter as an Officer; and for the non-performance of the Dictates and Oblig­ing Maxims of the First, he will find him­self Discarded of Humane Society; and his neglecting the orders of the Last, will infal­libly Discharge him of that Incomparable Dependance. Nam Pericula, Labores, Dolo­res, etiam optimus quisque suscipere mavult, quam deserere ullam Officii partem. Cicero.

CHAP. XII.

NOw although, as was intimated, those Gentlemen may be so Condescending as to allow of, and encourage a Familiarity; yet our Excise-Man embraces it with a great deal of Discretion and Caution; which pro­duces a positive Resolution in him, that it shall not administer an occasion of Negligence in his Duty; to which he has a resolute re­gard, and of which nothing shall create a di­minution. He joyfully allows of the freedom they are pleas'd to admit of, but with a re­serv'd subserviency to that Absolute Necessarium to which he is cemented by all the prevailing Obligations imaginable, and he is then (with his usual Submission) subsequently Theirs. He has read Plutarch, and from him, remembers it was a remarkable Instance of the Prudence of Ʋlisses, who going into the Regions of de­parted Souls, would not exchange so much as one word with his Mother there, 'til he had first obtain'd an Answer from the Oracle, and dispatch'd the business he came about; and then turning to her, he afforded some small time for a few Questions of much less moment and concern. He owns the admittance to be no small addition to his Reputation, but when it interferes with the Minutes he is accoun­table [Page 56]For in relation to his Duty, he knows too, it is a great substraction from it, and which, as is prerecited, would intitle him to the indelible Character of being unjust.

This Consideration produces a prevailing Argument against immoderate Drinking, and moderate (I know not whether that Word can be allow'd) Gaming; since they wholly discompse him for the Duties of the subse­quent day. I shall not rob my Common-place Book for Precepts or Examples against them in relation to him, (for it is not our Concern to censure others) but cannot avoid the incert­ing what Mr. Howell tells us in relation to the first ^(a) , That by the ancient Laws of Spain, if a Woman could have proved her Husband to have been thrice Drunk, she might have im­mediately pleaded it as a sufficient Argument for a Divorce. And what St. Augustine sub­joins, Ebrietas est blandus Daemon dulce venenum, suave peccatum; quod qui habet scipsum non ha­bet, quod qui facit peccatum non facit, sed ipse est peccatum—

And although our Excise-Man, upon some emergent Opportunities, may be prevail'd to nibble at the former, yet he eternally shuns the latter; the Inconveniences that inevitably attend it being innumerable, especially relating [Page 57]to him, who hat neither Money or Time, to throw away upon such an unaccountable and impertinent Vice; and shall therefore only insist with what Scandal and Infamy it was branded with by the Antients (not to que­stion whether our Moderns have not had much more reason) as appears by the Law of Au­relius Alexander Emperor of Rome, That what­ever Person should be taken Gaming, should be look'd on as a Recorded Frantick. as not having a competent discretion for Self-government: And for some such Reason the Noble Cobilon being sent to Corinth, for the obtaining a mu­tual League and Friendship^(a) between them and the Lacedemonians, when he saw the Cap­tains and Senators playing at Dice, he return'd without doing any thing, saying, That he would not so much defile the Glory of the Spartans, as that it should be said they had made a League with Gamesters.

And since these Vices seem to imply all o­thers, they being the Basis and Foundation on which all imaginable Enormities raise their Su­perstructure, I shall not mention any other, but briefly incert his Reasons of Abhorrence against the last, which he observ'd out of the best ^(b) Educator, and the worst Educated he has read; and are

First, It creates an acquaintance with low, base, unworthy Company.

Secondly, Learning from them sordid and unmanly Arts, as Sharking, Cheating, Lying, Equivocating, which is by them call'd Out­witting.

Thirdly, Loss of Time and Money.

Fourthly, Great engagements of the Pas­sions, which is the most effectual and speedy means to obliterate any good Thought, and introduce the Superiority of the Beastial Part.

Fifthly, Learning, or at least patiently en­during those abominable Swearings, Cursings, Blasphemings, &c.

Sixthly, Danger from other Mens Passions, the general Result of Play-quarrels, being Murders, Duels, &c.

And in fine, Est Ars Mendaciorum, Perjuri­orum, Furtorum, Litium, Injuriorum, Homici­diorumque Mater: & est verè malorum Daemonum inventum.

Another Caution our Excise-Man observes on the Friendship of his Superiors, is, That it shall not administer an occasion of discovering [Page 59]a Con [...]ealment, I mean of disclosing a Secret; and therefore he is sure of ever following the Rule of Pythagoras, which was, to check the too early Loquacity of his Scholars, by impo­sing on them five years silence from their first Admission. And 'tis observable, that Nature has given us two Eyes and two Ears, and but one Tongue, (and that doubly barracadow'd by Lips and Teeth) that we might hear and see at least twice as much as we speak. He knows it would be the highest piece of Injustice to declare that, which was not only attended with an Injunction, but a promise too of a Re­servation. He finds how infamous and scan­dalous it was among the Romans, to be call'd Homo Rimarum; and particularly remembers that Heroick Answer of Metellus their Gene­ral, who being ask'd, What his next Design was? Reply'd, That if he thought his Shirt was privy to any part of his Councel, he would imme­diately pluck it off and burn it: And though their Capitol was preserv'd from the Gauls by the Geese that fed therein, yet could they not be persuaded to carry a Goose ^(a) for their Shield, by reason they were an Emblem of E­ternal Prating: And he is very well assur'd, that the Divulger of a Secret deliver'd by a Friend, (especlally a Potent One) will be imagin'd the same as a Treasonable Discovery to a Prince, Who always loves the Treason, but ever [Page 60]hates the Traytor: And consequently, will find it attended with as direful Effects; which makes him ever shy of receiving any, and con­sequently confirms him in the Opinion, that it was well said by^(a) Philippides the Comedian, who being ask'd by King Lysimachus, What he desir'd might be imparted to him? Reply'd, Any thing but a Secret.

But as he is far from declaring Secrets, so he is much further from a Repetition of the most common Conversation: for there is none that has travell'd a days Journey, but knows very well, That a Gentleman may express a merry Reflection, without meaning any harm; whose Repetition would not only create an everlast­ing Feud, and an immediate separation of the most intimate Friendship, but has arriv'd to the degree of Murther it self: Such a loqua­cious Person merits not the protection of any Civil Government, but a dwelling (pardon the word) among the most Barbarous Infidels, if they would be so unwise and unhappy to re­ceive Him; so that herein he wholly remains in the Opinion of Themistocles, who being of­fer'd to be taught the Art of Memory, reply'd, He much more admir'd the Art of Forgetful­ness.

His obliging Behaviour, and charming Mein, [Page 61]being universally distributed, he is sure to a­void the espousing any particular Party or In­terest; the Inconveniences of which are so extravagantly numerous, that they are far be­yond the Art of Rhetorick to discover: For he is assur'd upon their Reconciliation, (which cannot be long deferr'd) to find them both unanimously join'd to surther his prejudice; as the presum'd Origine of their Separation, and declension of that Native Intimacy which otherwise (they pretend) might have met with an Eternal Cement, for which Reason he ever shuns (though frequently provok'd to) that cowardly Vice, Detraction: For besides that it is the Reverse of Charity, (the whole design of the first being to conceal, as well as that of the last, to discover the Excellencies of any) he can conclude nothing his own that has been once express'd, and consequent­ly speaks well (or nothing) of those who no way merit it; and cloisters up those Sen­timents he conceives may admit of a misre­presentation, or disobliging construction.

This Consideration must also induce him to resolve, That notwithstanding his prevailing Circumstances even necessitate him to a large Acquaintance, yet he is positive in his paucity of Friends, (and those chosen with the most mature and sedate Deliberation and Judgment he is capable of) since they may insensibly en­tangle him, and irrecoverably twist him in their Quarrels. This sewness he observes has [Page 62]been highly recommended to him by the An­tients, since at the most they never mention'd them but by^(a) Pairs: Thus Nisus and Ʋria­lus, Hercules and Hylas; Achilles, Patroclus; Pilades, Orestes; Titus, Gesippus, with innume­rable others: So that though a Friend is a so­ciable Creature, yet he affects not an Herd; and his being usually call'd and esteem'd another Self, is a convincing Argument that the Num­ber TWO, is the adequate and compleat mea­sure of Friendship: For as Briareus, who with his hundred hands, was daily oblig'd for his bare subsistance, to feed Fifty Stomachs, could thrive no better than our selves, who supply a single one with Two; so no one of many Friends can boast of any other Priviledge, but that of being a Slave to many, and an equal Sharer in all their Disquietudes.

I know this Paucity has been sufficiently cen­sur'd by many, especially in the Excise; it be­ing (as they object) absolutely necessary, that an Officer have many Friends, if it be only to keep him in, or reinstate him upon a Dis­charge: But if it be consider'd, that the ma­nagement of this Revenue lies wholly in the hands of those who are positive in their Reso­lutions of encouraging Ingenuity, and that Me­rit only shall recommend any to their good Opinion; I say, if it be consider'd with what [Page 63]extraordinary Vigor they have turn'd off and expung'd the Ignorant and Dishonest; even a­gainst a prevailing Interest; no Man that is endow'd with the contrary Qualification, need doubt a Preferment from those who have ever esteem'd that the only Recommendation.

However, if upon distance of Place a Sol­licitor may be thought requisite, I see not why he may not appear under the Notion only of an Acquaintance, and consequently our Officer is no way necessitated to make an addition to his confin'd Number of Friends, which com­mands an Intimacy that is altogether Sacred.

CHAP. XIII.

THE next (though chiefest) Particular our Excise-Man resolves on, is, that he runs not in Debt; he is satisfied that those extravagant Expressions of Friendship he finds in his present place of Residence, meets with a correspondent duration, and continues no longer than himself, a remove of 20 Miles making it to vanish, as if they had been stran­ger than strangers, and utterly unknown be­fore; for he that but a day since saluted him with—SIR, YOƲR MOST, HƲMBLE SERVANT, I should be extremely Ambitious of seeing you at my House, where you will find a Glass of as good, though I say it, as any in Town, wholly devoted for your Service; Why don't you come to my Shop? I protest I'le use you very kindly, I will not desire to get a Farthing by you, Try me for once: I have often admir'd at your great strangeness, your Predecessor and I were extremely intimate, and I serv'd him with the best Cloth, Stuff, &c. the Country could af­ford, though there is a small Reckoning, between us still, an inconsiderable Drib remaining; yet if I never see him again, 'tis not the first Loss I have had—But pray where is he—I am sure he came to Town clad in window'd Rags, which demonstrated him to spring from an Illustrious [Page 65]House, the Sun sbining through him. Nay, he was so bare, that a Lowse might have broke her Neck from the best Suit in his possession; where­as I trusted him in meer Civility, when no Body would: And my Kindnesses were so excessive, that I vow I got not a Penny by him, I letting him have my Goods as they cost me out of my own Pocket. His Wife too had many things unknown to him, and was so ungenteel as to go away, and never take her leave: But that small Sum my Wife lent her in ready Money, vexes me really more than all the rest: For God's sake, Sir, when did you hear from them? Can you put me in a way? I declare the best Gloves in Town are so very much at your Service, that I will send for them immediately.

I say, He that but just now admir'd ev'n the shadow of your Shoe-strings; nay, that could never be himself, or enjoy the least Satisfaction upon your Absence, and so much doated on your Person and Parts, that he was ever sure to secure you at least for a Sundays Dinner, he certainly finds now to accost him with Ʋngrate­ful Rascal, a Pitiful Beggarly Fellow. And, in fine, reiterates with all his Elocution, the Rhe­torical Flourishes he was graciously pleas'd to bestow upon his Predecessor. All this being the Result of one of his Three Fundamental Points, which he ever esteems as Sacred. The first is, because he supposes it an Impossibility now to get any more from him. The second is, because they think it their Duty to load the [Page 66]absent Excise-Man with all the scurrilous Re­flections their quaint Parts are capable of ex­pressing: Or (which is certainly his securest Reason) because he took not up his constant Discharge upon every individual Payment, without which, our Excise-Man concludes it a Doomsday-Book, and himself therefore in eter­nal danger: For this he is certainly assur'd of, that his crossing the Book is no discharge of the Debt, some keeping two Books, and one of them fairly Seven Years after he has seen put in execution, upon his having no Acquit­tance, or upon the bare presumption of its be­ing lost: But this being detected by its Pro­duction, it would make a Stoick burst to hear his Excuse— ‘I Vow, Wife, this Idle Boy, this Rascal of an Apprentice of ours, has certainly abus'd this Honest Gentleman; I am sure I remember some­thing of it, he or you, my Dear, have forgot to cross the Book, and consequently have necessitated me to commit an Incivility, which I was never known (as all my honest Neighbours can attest) to perpetrate before.’

The Result of the whole is, That our Ex­cise-Man is even afrighted from being Lavish in his Expences, and therefore is sure to exer­cise a suitable moderation in them; for he knows very well, That although the Goddess Diana gave heretofore, in the City of Ephesus, to such Debtors as could fly into her Temple, [Page 67]Freedom and Protection against their Credi­tors, yet he knows too that Her Power ha­ving met with a Cessation, there remains not an Asylum for him, but a Ludgate or a Compter. He has that positive regard to the worth of a Penny, that nothing but Necessity shall extort it. The Misery, nay the Pleurisy of Griefs, as well as the Scandal that always attend its Want, are infallible Arguments for him to be more than parsimonious. A prudent Frugali­ty is recommended to all, but to him even Co­vetousness it self cannot be accounted any Crime, since he has a Regiment of convincing Motives to it that do not any way concern the rest of Mankind. And as 'tis observ'd that there are particular Cates ordain'd by Nature as peculiar to the Temperaments and Constitu­tions of the particular Inhabitants of that Cli­mate under which they are fix'd, so he satis­factorily embraces an Earthen Cup, as most agreeable to his Mold, and never aims at those (to him) insipid, because gilded Fopperies, which terminate in a Gaol:

But knowing that the enlarging on this To­pick, would interfere with what has been, as well as what is to be said, I shall here reduce [Page 68]the whole, and conclude with Two Parti­culars.

As a Man, he knows what Nature, by the smalness of his Mouth and Throat, has en­trusted with him, that he should eat but little, and has therefore given a correspondent place of Reception; and, as an Officer, he is advis'd by Providence to devour less, considering the Scantness of his Fortunes, and (which is more) the frequent Vicissitudes that inevitably attend them, an Ordinary therefore of 8 d. is esteem'd by him Extraordinary, and he ever departs with the same Satisfaction, as if with Heliogabalus, he had impoverish'd the Seas, dis­peopled the Air, and wholly extirpated the very Species of all Terrestrial Animals, to gra­tify a sensual and insatiate Palate, and there­fore very much prefers a Dinner with Camil­lus, or the Curii, before that of a Bestial and Intemperate Sardanapalus—He knows it would be Ridiculous in him to be Nice, whose Pru­dence expects a daily Revolution of in Stain quo: And he is sure to perform himself what he finds commanded in Suetonius by Julius Cae­sar, who, to repress extravagant Diet, not on­ly set a Guard upon all Butchers Shops, &c. but sent his Officers to particular Houses; to take away (though at their Tables) such Dishes as either escap'd them, or were esteem'd super­fluous; and that even from those who were qualified for the greatest Affairs of State, and [Page 69]this he concludes obligatory from him who has nothing certain but uncertainty. In short, his Table is not furnish'd much unlike to what the Poet describes of Oberon's:

The second Excess our Excise-Man's Pru­dence commands him to avoid, is that of Ap­parel. And here I shall not play the Divine, by offering those convincing Arguments and pre­vailing Motives, which engage all Mankind to a strict observance, it being much above my Province: But shall only insinuate some few Notions which peculiarly relate to him, to keep within his proper Bounds and Limits, and which even necessitate him to a Compliance, by all the Obligations imaginable. Our Ex­cise-Man remembers it is no small Addition to the great Character of Augustus Caesar, when it is recorded, That he never wore any thing about him but what was Home-made, and of the spinning of his own Family; and he can­not think it a Diminution of his Credit, that his Attire suits with his Circumstances, which [Page 70]are plain and simple. He knows how ridicu­lous he must prove, if, with the Bird of Para­dice, his Feathers should be much more valu­able than the Carcass; or with the Cinamon-Tree, that the Bark only is esteem'd, and the Tree it self of little or no use. A tolerable Gayety in others, would be altogether intole­rable in him; and his only Ambition is to front a Winter, and arrive to the Character of Decent. He knows that Credit is compar'd to the Chastity of a M—which, if once broke, is ever after lost; and, if not kept up, is like a Palace, which for want of Repair falls to Ruin. And as it is his chief design to secure it, so he knows there is no way for the exact performance of it, but to cut his Coat according to his Cloth, by which he knows he shall be disengag'd from Dependance, and lying at the Mercy of the Merciless; for Pro­vidence has given us Frize, and courser Gar­ments, when our necessitous Circumstances can­not, or may not aspire to Sattins, and all to continue us in our pristine Liberty and Free­dom: For besides the Scandal and Universal Censures that must attend the dressing be­yond one's Quality, the dread of being re­sponsible in a Gaol sufficiently deters him; A place which is the Grave of the Living, the House of meager Looks, and destructive Smells; a place that teacheth Wisdom much too late; the Dunghil of the Law, where the Ruines of the Gentry, and heaps of decay'd Bankrupts inseparably meet. In [Page 71]fine, 'tis the Ʋniversity of ^(a) poor Scholars, where only Three Things are studied, to Pray, Curse, and Write Letters.

CHAP. XIV.

THus have I hinted to you some few Re­marks in relation to our Excise-Man's Qualifications in the ARTS and MEN, I should now demonstrate his Excellency in the knowledge of the LAWS; without which, he is [...]t [...]fied he is like those who are eternally m [...]f [...]ed up in Blindness, and are wholly igno­rant how to direct their motion, since they know not when they err. He knows this to be the certain and infallible Guide, and to be ig­norant herein, implies an Ignorance in all. The Law is like a second Sun, which enlightens his Road, and hereby wholly creates a Progres­sion, which is both safe and pleasant: This, is it that procures an undaunted Boldness in the prosecution of his Business; and this is it that secures him from the treacherous designs of the most malevolent; so that he is ever found an Intellectus Agens, till he has plan'd those knot­ty Points which seem'd to be his only Rubs, and rests n [...] with the least satisfaction, 'til he has made that Conquest which should not admit of another Rally: But for the preretited Reasons shall at present wave Particulars, and descend to demonstrate some few of those Excellencies, as well as Pleasures and Advantages, that inevi­tably [Page 75]attend the Employment of our Excise-Man, and consequently shall bring him from his Study, and trace him abroad in all his ra­vishing Felicities.

The first-Advantage then, which I shall in­sist on, that follows our Excise-Man's Profes­sion, is, That it is not to be purchas'd with Money: They have a Competency (at least) without paying for't, a considerable Income for nothing expended, and a Fortune very much above that which can be term'd Mean, for seeking it. It has been ever held, That nothing can be done without that glittering as well as bewitching Oar, Gold, which is said to be that General Charm, which nothing can re­sist; that absolute Necessarium, that nothing can be begun or perfected without it. In short, It is allow'd that there cannot be any living, without that Saint-seducing Metal, which we here find perfectly contradictory; Our Excise-Man having a Compleat Maintenance without Charge; a Sufficiency without Dependance; and a pleasant Subsistence without a Bribe.

But secondly, It is confess'd that Poverty de­jects the most Ambitious Thoughts, and he that before could with Ovid's Gyants ^(a) , have storm'd even Heaven it self, appears now the [Page 76]most contemptible on Earth. He that could charm the World with the most Rhetorical Flourishes imaginable, and, with Amphion, cap­tivate and intrance the Dullest of Souls, is now become mute. And he that just now blush'd at the thoughts of an Ill Action, fears not^(a) now its Perpetration, with all its dreadful Concomitants. On the contrary, it is acknowledg'd, That Abundance and Contentment are very rarely yok'd, but Care is ever their inseparable Page; for whoever is possess'd with it, is either perplex'd with the Avarice of acquiring more, or the extravagant trouble of securing that already in their possession, so that we find a Mean the most estimable; for Extreams have violent Ends, and in their greatest Glory are destroy'd, since like Fire and Powder, they are no sooner met but are con­sum'd: And as the most stately Hills produce but little, and are parch'd by the too near vi­cinity of Phabus's scorching Rays, so must we own, that those Valleys are but barren, whose distance from his reviving heat we find to be extraordinary; so that they are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with nothing; and consequently we may conclude, That as the East and West upon the Globe are divided only by a Mathematical Point, so Hap­piness and Misery with all Extremes are still contiguous, a Mean was ever held the safest: [Page 77]And he was no Fool, that wish'd his Fate had confin'd him between an High-Constable, and a Justice of Peace, that he might enjoy a per­fect Mediocrity; for the Rich are expos'd to the Envy, and the Poor to the Contempt of all. This is our Excise-Man's Felicity, who having neither Poverty or Riches, cannot be dejected by the former, nor puffed up with the latter. This is our Excise-Man's happiness, who being possess'd of a true Mean, is above the Plague that Penury attends, and below the gilded Mi­series of Grandure, who having the desir'd Competency, is not troubled with the Afflicti­ons of the first, nor afflicted with the Troubles of the last.

This then being that state of Life which has been ever coveted by all the thinking part of Mankind, we cannot deny but our Excise-Man fully enjoys: And though his Fifty is not Five hundred, yet he is satisfied the difference is but a Cypher, which he reckons of no value, especially since it exhibits not (that which every one seems desirous of) Contentment, up­on which Consideration he hath a great regard to and value for his Employment, and conse­quently doth wholly acquiesce in the Opinion of Horace, Lib. 2. Ode 10.

CHAP. XV.

I Proceed to the Third Advantage that attends him, which is Travel; the Excellency of which, and the great Encomiums on it, may be sufficiently seen in almost innumerable other Books: For there is scarce any of our Voyagers, or Foreign Itinerants, that have exhibited any thing of Memorables to the Publick, but have largely dilated on it, and some of them with that bewitching Language, and captivating Arguments, that they have directly charm'd many Proselytes, who finding its Reality con­firm'd by Ocular Demonstration, have asserted again the like to others, who are thereby wil­lingly engag'd to the same Performances, and so ad infinitum.

I shall not expatiate upon every particular Advantage that immediately attends it, as the procuring and continuing Health, Reading of Men, and the remarkable Observables they continually meet; Nor the several Pleasures that infallibly attend them, they having no relation here, and besides too troublesom in the Transcription: But shall only observe, they generally have made that of Foreign the greatest, if not the whole Subject of their Pa­negyricks, which has been ever with me the [Page 80]great Product of Admiration, to see a Spark, after many years Travel, to the extravagant Expence both of Money and Time, to have learnt nothing but to Swear handsomly, Wh— genteely, and Drink compleatly; and, if they had ever any thing, forgot that, and return much worse than they went, for want of a prudent management of their Time, and improvement of it by a sufficient Bottom, before their admir'd Voyage:

And ask them a particular Description of any Rarity they met with, their whole Discourse tends to no more than what is thus express'd by another Poet,

Not that I would pretend to a Diminution of the Excellency of Foreign Travel, but allow it an extraordinary Form in the qualification of a Compleat Gentleman, not abstracting Domestick; which ought to have the first share, at least, in it, and to be the very Prologue and Foundation to all his future Accomplishments: For let any pretend to what Education they please, in my opinion he will shew himself but ignorantly bred, that shall only be capable of giving an account (which very few can that) of another, and [Page 81]know nothing of his own Country: For although the unknowing part of the World may ima­gine, that there are no extraordinary Curiosi­ties but what may be seen abroad, yet if they please to suspend their present thoughts, and alleviate somewhat of their innate Prejudice and Partiality, and take a narrow Scrutiny and Trial, they will find it inferior to none:

And again:

Or, to express it by a more modern Prose Author, she is the Churches first Daughter, having the first Christian King, and out of whose Bowels sprung the first Christian Em­peror, that little World, so self-sufficient,^(a) that she seems to thrust away from her all the [Page 82]World besides, as being a perfect Substantive, that can stand by her self. Besides, it may be positively affirm'd, That there is not any pre­tended Advantage that accrues abroad, or any Observable, but may be equaliz'd, if not ex­cell'd, at home; for is he covetous of the Company of Learned Men, no Foreign Place can pretend to a Competition? Is he desirous to see the Miracles of Nature, it cannot be excell'd by any; Or is he ambitious of view­ing Noble Structures, Fields, Gardens, Fruits, &c. he cannot sind them so absolutely reign in their excellency any where, so great as in England.

O fortunata & omnibus Terris beatior Britan­nia! Te omnibus Coeli ac soli ditavit Natura, Tibi nihil inest quod vitae offendat, Tibi nihil de­est [Page 83]quod vita desideret, ita ut alter Orbis extra Orbem poni ad delicias humani generis videaris. Oh happy and blessed Britain! above all other Countries in the World, Nature hath enrich'd thee with all the Blessings of Heaven and Earth; nothing in thee is hurtful to Mankind, nothing wanting in thee that is desirable: in­asmuch that thou seemest another World pla­ted besides, or without the great one, meerly for the delight and pleasure of Mankind. Thus also the Poet:

Thus having given some small Hints of the great Advantages that attend the knowing of our own Countrey, I shall as briefly acquaint you who is the only competent Judge of it, and that excels any in this extraordinary Qualifi­cation; for there is no Rarity, as Scituation, Division, Honourable Titles, Historical Re­marks, or Character of any County in general, or Town in particular, but our Excise-Man perfectly enjoys, and can give an immediate satisfaction and account of; and that this can­not be deni'd, shall be proved by the following Instance, among many others, that might have been as properly incerted.

CHAP. XVI. Gloucestershire

CHAP. XVII.

HAving somewhat largely insisted on the Excellency of our Excise-Man in relation to Domestick Travel, and his exact Knowledge of every particular Place in his own Country, it may not be amiss to subjoin a few Lines of that Ʋtile dulci, those Pleasures as well as Profits (which are suppos'd to be the Epitome of all humane Wishes) that indubitably attend him as a natural Consequent of the Premises.

No sooner is our Excise-Man possess'd with all things that can properly make him so, and Aurora's ruddy Cheeks produce the Child­birth of a day, but he anticipates Sols more resplendent Rays, by suing out a Writ of Di­vorce against the bewitching Charms of Death-resembling Morpheus, and is immediately ca­ress'd with all the Pleasures of a Countrey Life—

This is the Life with which the World be­gan, and has been ever held in an extraordi­nary [Page 90]Veneration; and has also been particu­larly observ'd to be more natural and familiar with Ʋs, than with any other whatsoever: And were it possible to give it is prower Cha­racter, we ought to look on Calen and Hypoora­tes impertinent, and their A [...]o [...]ts [...] wholly unnecessary; Schola Salerni might have burn'd their gingling Disticks, since here we find them altogether useless: And if by chance a Sym­ptom should appear, every Tree, Field or Hedge produces a Panpharmacon, that Remedium in omnes Morbos, which the more Simple Druggists never can. Nay, 'tis Demonstration, that it is so in the opinion of the general part of Man­kind, in regard that let their Avocations be ever so urgent, their Circumstances ever so or­dinary, yet they will cert [...] attempt a short enjoyment of it, as their proper Asylum for renewing that health (which almost was ar­riv'd unto a desperation) by a much more lively Air.

And as this Life extremely contributes to­wards that inestimable Gem, Health; so its excellency would further appear, if we had leisure to enlarge upon the several Topicks, as their living in those unenvied Shades, and the only retirement from the crowd and noise of thronged Towns and Cities, (where nothing [Page 91]else is found but that which must be call'd con­fus'd) but I cannot omit the saying some­thing of the Pleasures our Excise-Man daily meets with, in the fruition of such an happy Life.

'Tis here (and only here) he meets those verdant shades that suffer (if not force) him to think of himself, where he not only misses every thing that can pretend to create an in­termission of Thought without his Licence, but even finds incomparable Inducements and Assistants towards its performance: The sight of those pleasing Walks, the regularity of those ambitious Trees that screen us from the Sun's most violent and scorching stays, and (with Ovid's Giants) not only possess the Earth, but make a hold Attempt at Heaven.

Together with the hearing the bewitching, though natural Harmony of those flying Cho­risters of the Wood; I say, he that his Stars has (with our Excise-Man's) been so propi­tious to, as to enjoy these Felicities of our Earthly Paradise, and cannot glut his Five Senses, can never be allow'd One, but a place in the lowest Form with the Ʋnthinking Mob; but [Page 92]our Excise-Man even hugs himself into an im­provement of those Qualifications he had so happily before.

But as the too long enjoyment of the most charming Varieties palls our Appetite, which will quickly create our mean Opinion of them without a small Divorce; so our Officer, if he had the greatest inclinations to a longer posses­sion of them to occasion this Surfeit, yet his Business even necessitates him to a more uncon­fined fruition of larger Varieties.

He cannot advance himself, but he is in­stantly met with that general Gaol Delivery of all the vigorous Seeds and Flowers, lately in custody of the pinching Frost; the sight of whose bewitching hue, infallibly creates a Ra­vishment, a much too mean a word for such In­chantments; these are also attended with em­broider'd Fields and Meadows, pav'd with the beauteous Violet and Primrose, wherein he quickly views poor Strephon descant on the great Perfections of his too cruel Phillis.

'Tis here only he may perceive Bounteous Ceres in all her State and Glory, and Sail with Pleasure in a prodigious Sea of Corn, without the hazard of drowning, till its quality meets with a total Alteration. Here only we enjoy that Beatus Ille which Horace so much doted on, and all admire but those that never had it: Those chrystal Fountains, stately Hills, [Page 94]embroider'd Vales, and those muttering as well as strugling Rivulets, are certainly able to create a Total Eclipse upon the Dullest of Souls, and to entrance the meanest of Faculties into an unaccustom'd Admiration:

These the Bustling Town would fain pretend to also by their Gardens and Rivers, which is no more than Aping the Country by a forc'd Hypochrisy; which makes no small Addition to the excellency of our Rural Enjoyments, and serves no more than a Foyl, to make a greater Illustration of her Beauty.

We might further insist on the many other Pleasures that attend a Country Life, as Hunting, Hawking, &c. but these being wholly out of the way of our Excise-Man, (to whom only we confine our Discourse) we shall wave it here, though cannot avoid the description our Poet gives of that part of it, which in­fallibly accompanies him.

CHAP. XVIII.

AND as the Pleasures that attend this be­witching Life, are far above the mean Description of a Pen that is not capable of admiring enough, much less the describing; so the Profit, that is the infallible Result, ought at least to be somewhat regarded, and a little in­sisted on.

Here is a Theme that requires a much more acurate Pen than mine, which as it never pre­tended, so owns it self wholly incapable, even so much as insinuating those Pleasures and Ad­vantages that here daily court and follow him, but upon the same account one speaks of, up­on his attempt of describing that, which would not (like our present Subject) admit of it.

I shall therefore only briefly subdivide the Profit that attends him into two Particulars, [Page 97] viz. First, That of the Person, in respect of Pecuniary Advantages: And secondly, That of the Mind, respecting the exercising it in the Art of Contemplation and Reflection, in both which you will find he exceeds the rest of Man­kind.

First, Our Excise-Man is the only Person that can possibly enjoy these Pleasures without Expence; for what others purchase at a dear Rate, he receives with Interest; for whereas they are necessitated to pay for their Pleasures, he is paid for them: And whereas the gene­rality of Mankind, who have an extravagant fruition of them, are undone in their possession, you will certainly find him made; so that he thrives, when others decay; he is happy, when others are miserable; and Rich, where others receive a Beggary: So that he only can be pro­perly said to enjoy them without an Interrup­tion, or grating Dissatisfaction; or that which is much more intolerable, the being accoun­table for them in a Goal

Secondly, The extraordinary Advantages he receives by Contemplation and Reflection, are not to be forgotten; the Profits of which need not here be enlarg'd on, since a Reverend and Learned ^* Author has exactly perform'd it: so [Page 98]I shall only say here, that he improves every Object, for he well knows that as Natura nihil ficit frustra, in relation to their inward quali­ties for the good of Mankind, so he also con­siders, that the least of them administers an improvement of the outward; for the most minute Object affords naturally such Reflections, as are also extraordinary advantageous to the improving the inward Faoulties of the Mind; He considers how scandalous, as well as mean it is, to contradict the very Intention of his Crea­tion, which he undoubtedly does, that does not still persist in Knowledge, and daily advance those Qualifications Providence has been so fa­vourable as to endow him with; for he that does not encrease them, and passes his Life without improving them. ought certainly to have the rest of his Life taken from him. The World (says Dr. Browne) was made to be inhabited by Beasts, but studied and contem­plated by Man: 'tis the Debt of our Reason we owe to GOD: and the Homage we ought to pay for not being Beasts, without this, the World is still as though it had not been, or as it was before the Sixth Day, whereas yet there was not a Creature that could conceive, or say there was a World. The Wisdom of GOD receives small Honour from those Vulgar Heads that rudely stare about, and with a gross Rus­ticity admire his Works; those highly magni­fy Him, whose judicious enquiry into his Acts, and deliberate research into 'tis Creatures, re­turn the Duty of a devout and learned Admi­ration: [Page 99]For the bare sense of Sight, makes no distinction between Ʋs, and the irrational Brute; there being no outward Object, but what is as visible to those (if not more) than to the Rational; and 'tis the improving the Facul [...]i [...] of the Soul, that ought to give us the discriminating Character or Men, which is ho [...]rly perform'd, and that (as any conside­rate Man will find upon trial) from the most slight and meanest occasions, and opportuni­ties imaginable.

Among the innumerable Reflections on these outward Objects, which he da [...]ly meets with, I shall [...]iefly in sinuate a few, that you may guess at the rest; not [...], that you may conclude his Thoughts never to be idle, or the excellen­cy of his Jedgme [...]t [...] that is [...] capable me­thodically to digest them; but that he does it too, and draws such natural Inferences and Conclusions from this Art of Occasional Re­flection, which he infallibly finds both profitable and pleasure.

He sees not a Swallow, but it [...]ts him in mind of ungratesul Persons, who (like that unac­knowledging Birth) are of no use to us, but leave us, when they have serv'd their own turn.

He views not the Tulip, or Marygold, but he immediately has display'd a Flatterer in his thoughts; for as 'tis the natural quality of [Page 100]those Flowers to open and shut with the San, so it is with him, to follow its motions, and never attend it but when shining pros­perously.

A Mole he beholds not, without having a particular Eye to the Avaritious; neither can he look on the Circle in a Stream, that never ceaseth to enlarge it self, without a Reflection on the same effects of Ambition.

He meets not the dispatching Post on his way, but he presently considers that his Life hastens with an equal (if not greater) Ex­pedition, and therefore commands an Improve­ment of it: Neither doth he look on a Glow­worm, but he presently shapes in his Imagina­tion a true Idea of the most formal Hypotrite, whom he concludes to appear with the same deluding Splendor.

These are some few of the many Inferences he continually draws from those outward Ob­jects that inevitably attend him, which we might enlarge on even to a Volume.

CHAP. XIX.

BUT lest there should be any thing that is really charming in it self, or that which can be properly said to be capable of yielding any Pleasure below, which our Excise-Man does not enjoy in a very great degree; or least the rough and tedious ways, and solitary course of living, should be said to extenuate the Pleasures he meets with in a Rural Life; or that this satisfaction should be somewhat pall'd by a continu'd enjoyment of them, and consequently that there should be any variety the Fates allow of, as agreeable to the active Inclinations of rational Mortals, that should not infallibly attend their Favourite, we shall lead him from his Country, to his ambulatory Enjoyments of the City.

Our Excise-Man in his late Privacy cannot lie long conceald; for what by his obliging Behaviour, and extraordinary Qualifications, hourly demonstrated in these his Country Re­tirements, with a due observation of those Obligations he lay under, by an exact per­formance. of the Trust repos'd in him, he is taken notice of above, and admir'd below, which produces an immediate Resolution of his being no longer hid in Woods and Fields, [Page 102]but to be a more publick Pattern (I must not say less, and cannot more) for the rest of Mankind.

And here I might particularize the several Pleasures and Advantages that inevitably at­tend him in it, as improving the Ʋnderstanding by the Company of [...]earned Men, &c. And though as [...] just now insta [...]e'd, the Advanta­ges of Contemptation: and Reading (which fol­low} a Country Life) are extraordinary, yet this is the certain place for exercising it; the [...]st being but the Theorick, and this the Pra­ctick Part: for Conversation (which is chiefly found in a City Life) exhibits growth and per­fection to that Ʋnderstanding which was but dung'd} in the Country. It might be further affirm'd, That here only is sound that [...] of Language, which qualifies a Person for the greatest of Employments and Addres­see, and that (as some are so unkind to ju [...] ­fy) they live in the Country not only Ʋn­known, but Ʋnknowing too: Action (as I said before) being the chiefest part of Knowledge, and that is no where to be demonstrated more that in the City; which he will also find to be the chiefest, if not the only place where a Porson can infullildy meet Preferment and Ho­nour [...] for the obscurity of a Rural Life, pro­duces a very great [...]resumption of a Neaples Ʋltra, if happily he can keep himself there [...] And 'tis most certain that there are many ex­traordinary Qualifications lie [...]usting and dor­mant [Page 103]in the Country, which might find (as well as give) great Advantages to the Govern­ment they live under, if they embrac'd a more [...]ublick Character by a city Life.

But my natural Humour and Inclination command me net to proceed, which admires only a Retirement, and abominates all things that look like Confusion; and least the Reci­ting should wheedle me into another extrava­gant Extasy and Admiration, I shall for bear enlarging any more in [...]t, and give it leave on­ly to insinuate, That although those advanta­geous Pleasures may merit and intrance our Affection, yet^* when one arises from a great Meal, no Delicacies, now much soever they may tempt him at another time, can provoke his appetite; so freely confess, that the late sight and remembrance of Rural Enjoyments, have so whetted my Defites, that I cannot di­gest the admiring or describing any other, without Regret and Surfeit. And indeed they have been so extravagantly intrancing, that though the Diversions the City affords, might at some other time be tolerably captivating in my opinion, yet upon this Hint, I cannot allow them the least room or entertainment; which Suggestion obliges me to an Apology, and to atone for the Injury done my Inclinations, but especially to the Country, by contradicting the [Page 104] first, and by offering so much to the prejudice of the last; for the intolerable Presumption that there should be any Life that could be admitted in Competition with it: And supposing no greater Satisfaction can be given her, (the former having been mentally perform'd) I shall conclude with her Excellency in the words of the Poet:

CHAP. XX.

I Descend to the next Particular intended to be mentioned in relation to the Excellency of our Excise-Man's Office, which is, that it even necessitates him, or (if you'l have it so) commands him to be diligent, and consequently he is absolutely deliver'd from (that Devil's Cushion, and Banc of Mankind) Idleness, whe­ther he will or no; for though Necessity makes the Old Wife Trot, it will make him Gallop for the exact performance of that Duty he is so well rewarded for, by lying under a [...] obliga­tion of being good; for while our imag [...]a­tions are exercis'd by a continual Var [...], of differing Objects, they are entertain'd with that which is at least very near it, if not excel­lent: so that this banishment of Idleness, de­livers them from all the beginnings, as well as steps and degrees, of that which may be term'd bad; for it is generally observ'd, that there is often but very little space of time between doing of nothing, and doing of ill.

And here I shall not imp [...]rtinently enlarge, by the robbing of Poet; of Sentences, for the exposing of this Vice, as that of Pho [...]ylides:

Or that of Hesiod:

With many others that might be easily in­stand'd; but shall only here observe, that it was held so notoriously scandalous by the An­cients, that we find in Justin ^* , that the Daci­ans, as an eternal Stamp of Infamy, were ne­cessitated by a Law of Oler their King, to ex­piate their Sloth, by laying their Feet where they should rest their Heads; and to perform those Offices and Services to their Wives, which their Wives were accustom'd to do to them. He knows that Erasmus in his Adages, calls a Slothful Man, Mulieris Podex: What a shame then is it to be worse than Animal Ir­rationale! Nihil est sordidius (saith Antoninus Pius) nihil cruddius quam si Rempublicam ii arro­dunt, qui nshil in eam suo labore conserunt.

Again, Charity has been ever esteem'd the [Page 107] Principal of Vertues, both by Ethnicks and The­ologists; and though the Church of Rome, th [...]ô the extremity of her Blindness, pretend; to engross that Heaven-engaging Vertue to her self, yet if her Inducements, by Merit, be con­sider'd, our Excise-Man's and Hers, will not any way admit of a Competition, since we find his Principles are founded on the true No­tion and Ends of Charity, by his spontancous Contributions: So that although he has not, with Her, erected Colledges, and other Pompous Structures, whose Grandure outvies the most eminent Pieces of Architecture in the Uni­verse; yet his Asylum for the Afflicted, his Competency for the Distressed, and his Relief for the Aged, who any way deserv'd it in their Vigor, are to all conspicuous, and will reinain as Trophies to their Honour:

But lastly, If we consider Man in his Com­plex, in his best and worst Sense, and take him in his Youth or Age, he will not merit Esti­mation; for it matters not whether the Eyes of Reason were never open'd, or whether they have been and are closed, since they cannot see; and it's evident that is of no validity, if the Chin be white, whether it be with, or with­out Hair; since the Madness and Folly of 16, and the Dotage and Distempers of 60 are equivalent. Man we own to be that rational [Page 108]Commander of all Terrestrials, that Univer­sal Monarch, who almost annihilates those Individuals with a Glance, who therefore cringe, and most spontaneously obey; Man is not denid to be that Spark of Heaven, that mortal Angel, that commands a Dread upon appearance, yet must it be allow'd that this only is a Dept to him that boldly justifies him­self to be so, and therefore, though he is a glo [...]ious Qrb, yet lies he under an Eclipse in Youth and Age, in which he ever must conceal his Glory.

If then Mankind contains the Excellencies of the whole Ʋniverse in Epitome, it must conse­quently exhibit an amazing Excellency to the Excise, that receives only the most excellent part of Him, by rejecting the Impertinencies of Nonage, as useless Animals fit only for the Cradle, by admitting none but the robust and sensible, and by excluding that weak and decre­pid Clas, who only claim the priviledge of be­ing troublesom.

CHAP. XXI.

THus have you had a brief and lame Ac­count of the Excellencies of our Excise-Man in the knowledge of the Arts, Men and Laws; together with the many Advantages, as well as Pleasures, that naturally result from that Employment, and consequently are in­separable Attendants on Him; I must now crave leave to subjoin some sew Queries, and shall make no other Apology, then

—Non seri [...] semper.

• Quest. 1. Whether he ought not to be sup­pos'd a great Scholar, since he is continually poring on his Book?
• Quest. 2. Whether there is not some Assi­nity between him and Diogenes, since they equal­ly affect the Tub?
• Quest. 3. Whether he understands not Art Notoria, since he brings all things to a Circle?
• Quest. 4. Whether he is not a great Admi­rer of the Old Philosophy, since he utterly abo­minates a Vacuum?
• Quest. 5. Whether he must not be a very grave Person, that affects Solidity?
• Quest. 6. Whether he must not be a prosound Man, that takes the depth of every thing?
• [Page 110]Quest. 7. Whether he must not be extreme­ly happy, that so well knows that which is call'd Content?
• Quest. 8. Whether our Excise-Man is not an extraordinary honest Man, since he does all things upon the Square?
• Quest. 9. Whether he can be said to be ex­travagant, that ever walks within Compass?
• Quest. 10. Whether he ought not to be thought an excellent Astronomer, since he so often consults the Stars?
• Quest. 11. Whether he can Err, that ever walks by Rule?
• Quest. 12. Whether he ought not to be reckon'd well-skill'd in Geography, that instead of Miles, can tell you the very Steps?
• Quest. 13. Whether if in Luto there's Pluto, he ought not to be suppos'd very Rich, since he is continually searching the bottom of it?
• Quest. 14. Whether he is not excellently skill'd in Musick, since he so well understands the Base?
• Quest. 15. Whether he can do any thing a­miss, since he does all things by Warrant?
• Quest. 16. Whether he affects not the Clergy, since he infallibly allows a Tenth?
• Quest. 17. Whether he is not a good Phi­losopher, since he must be an allow'd Peripa­tetick?
• Quest. 18. Whether he can be banish'd, that is never at home?
• Quest. 19. Whether he can want, that has Victuall [...]rs enough?
• [Page 111]Quest. 20. Whether he can be thought Idle, that is always in Motion?
• Quest. 21. Whether he can be an ordinary Man, that is a Man of Figure?
• Quest. 22. Whether he ought not to be highly esteem [...]d, since he is a Man of great Ac­compt?
• Quest. 23. Whether he is not a qualified Poet, that is so excellently vers'd in Mea­sures?
• Quest. 24. Whether if a Mean be the most desirable in all our Actions, he is not extremely qualified, that is conversant therein continu­ally?

CHAP. XXII.

I Have now finish'd my intended Essay on the Excellency of our Excise-Man, and altho it be far short of what might have been done in more time, and by a better Pen, and conse­quently an Apology might be here expected both by himself, as well as the Reader, (the former for performing it no better, and the latter for attempting it a [...] all;) yet I shall on­ly tell the first, that altho my time would not [Page 112]suffer me to discover more, nor my Ability all, yet I have deliver'd some of his Perfections; which if true, then I must inform the last, that it was a Law among the Parthians, that whenever a Notorious Malefactor was brought on the Stage, a severe Scrutiny was made into the Actions of his whole Life; and if, upon the total, the number of his good Deeds exceeded those of his ill, he was ipso facto quitted: If therefore this demands a Pardon, I shall not endeavour an additional Tryal of the Reader's Patience, but only subjoin some few Lines, re­lating to our Excise-Man's Demeanor under the greatest of his Afflictions, I mean when his Ʋnhappiness has arriv'd to that Extremity, as the receiving his Discharge, and that under a double Notion, viz. when he is.

1. Guilty. 2. Innocent.

In relation to the first I shall only say, that he is extremely sersible of his Miscarriages, and his innate M [...]desty is so extravagantly prevalent, that he immediately chalks out a new (tho honest) way of subsisting, not ha­ving the Brow to make his appearance for, and consequently dares not attempt, a re-establish­ment.

But secondly, Our Excise-Man (as is prere­cited) boasts of an Accomplishment, which he ever highly esteems, and is this, That no Mis­fortune can be a Sorprize: He knows that Tot­tering Goddess (who glories chiesly in her Fickleness) delights in nothing but Vicisa­tudes; he has read the Poets, who assure him, [Page 113]that She is the Rectress of all our Actions, and Arbitress of all sublunary Affairs, and is there­fore in a continual preparation for Her Mo­tion; for since Diadems themselves find no du­ration, but are frequently attended with va­riety of Mutations, he cannot expect an Ex­emption; for our Life is compared to a Game at Dice, where we ought to throw for what is most commodious for us, but to be content with our Casts, let them be never so unfortu­nate; we cannot make what Chances we please turn up, if we play fair, this lies out of out power: that which is within it, is to accept pa­tiently what Providence shall alot us, and so to adjust things in their proper places, that what is our own, may be di [...]posed of to the best advantage; and what hath happen'd a­gainst our Will, may never give occasion of offence to us: Nay, he is satisfied it frequently proves most advantagious to him; for al­tho Innocence may be attacqu'd, yet can it never be vanquish [...]d. He knows the Cypres the more weight is impos'd on it, the more it grows, and flourishes by being depress'd [...] and the fragrant Camomile retitlers a great increase of her bewitching Odors, by being trod and trampled on. Examples amongst the Ancients he finds to be numerous: Thus the banishmort of Diogenes was the occasion of his being a Philosopher; and when Zeno heard that the only Ship he had left, was sunk by an unmerci­ful Tempest, with all the rich Cargo that was in her, he brake out into this Exclamation, [Page 114] Fortune! I applaud thy Comrivance, who by this means hast reduced me to a Threadbare Cloak, and to walk in the Piazza of the Stoicks. He knows our Bodies are compounded of those Materi­als which command a daily Revolution, and we should never know the real and intrinsick value of that first and choicest of Blessings, Light, did it not sometimes meet with a Ces­sation, and continually attended with a subse­quent Darkness. If these Alterations then are daily represented to us, they are therefore become familiar, and consequently cannot ad­mit of a Surprize but to the Vulgar, who are not qualified with any Perception but what is instantly ocular: How then can it be rational to admire, if that melts, whose Nature is Li­quefaction? if that burns, which is combu­stible? if watry Humidities conglaciate? if the determination of Quicksilver is Fixation? that of Milk, Coagulation? and that of Oil, or all unctuous Bodies, Incrassation? And so by a parity of Reason, if that perisheth, whose Law of Constitution was to be made, that it might be attended with Contingencies; no­thing therefore can seize him that can contra­dict his expectations, nay, they are never fru­strated but when they meet him not. Theseus in Euripides seems to be excellently well pre­par'd for Events:

To prosecute this a little farther: It's plain, Industrious Nature instructs us, and inculcates this fix'd and steady preparation, and that from the most minute Objects imaginable; the very Trees, Plants and Vegetables evidently demonstrate this wheeling Instability; since its visible that not any of their Leafs remain, but in Autumn lose their Verdure, and are swept away by every Blast of Boreas: Thus their Sap retires, which immediately com­mands a deadness, and dejected nakedness in the most glorious of their Limbs; which by the Approach and sweet Caresses of the Spring, are attended with all their pristine life and splendor: And we yearly see the embroyder'd Summer, that exhibits those bewitching Plea­sures which appear so grateful to Humane Race, to be continually succeeded by the Snowy Pe­ruque, and the most dismal Concomitants of a melancholy and barren Winter.

These Accidents then being inevitable and universal, our Excise-Man's Resolutions are irrevocably sedate and ready; and conse­quently to him they never can prove unex­pected or novel: He is extremely sensible of the mutability of all Terrestrials, and joins with Euripides, when he tells us, [Page 116]

The natural Consequent of the Premises our Excise-Man knows to be, that they shall not therefore in the least deject him, since consci­ous thoughts can never attack him, nor pos­sesses he a tainted Breast: Innocence is the noblest Remedy, and the greatest comfort in, and infallible Cure of our innumerable Affli­ctions; and though his Fortunes may (nay must) be chequer'd, yet his Life and Actions are all white and innocent, which therefore cre­ate a boldness not any way to be extenuated. He fronts the Perfecution with an undaunted and unalterable Brow, and smiles at the seve­rest Censures of the Malevolent; this is it that buoys him up in the most impetuous Tempest, and makes the Castle of his Breast to be ever inexpugnable: He knows these Changes to be naturally incident, and therefore as he is in a continual expectation of them, so does he un­changeably receive them, and remembers that none but the unthinking Crew can be hereby east down, and none but Fools repine. Thus Pindar:

If then these Revolutions must of Necessity attend him, he concludes too they must of Ne­cessity be born with: He knows it then to be a most excessive weakness, to lie impatiently concern'd under a Load that is not (nor was not) any way to be avoided; and therefore submissively receives them without an altera­tion, and consequently adheres to Plutarch:

Our Excise-Man's being thus prepar'd for all imaginable Events, produces also this conse­quential Inference, That he is not poor or miserable. He foresaw the Happiness was not to be durable, and did therefore prepare for its departure. He embrac'd the Critical Mi­nute so, as to survive when it vanished. He concludes that that Person must be very stu­pid, that while Fortune smiles lays not up a Reserve (since it is as much virtue to hear a good Fortune as an ill) for its Reverse; and to be now in want, is a demonstrative Argument of his want of Sense before; so that to be out at Heels at last, was to be out of his Wits at first; since he is thereby become miserable, and consequently the subject only of disdain and scorn: For it's daily visible, that Poverty [Page 118]creates a separation of the greatest Acquain­tance, and the total destruction of the most cemented Intimates; for he that a month be­fore wanted to know your Commands, utterly shuns you now, as if that Corps must be in­fected with the Plague, that is accompanied with Rags; and you may as well go naked, as to have Breeches, and nothing in them: 'tis in this only the Friendship of the Age consists. And this he is assur'd of, that if once he is thus reduc'd, not one (nay not one of those on whom he has heap'd the utmost of his Fa­vours) will be seen with him, or speak in his Vind cati [...]n: so it seems, that he that is poor, must be consequently bad, and guilty of all the intolerable Enormities imaginable. If you are once bruis'd, you must heal your self; and your Groans will be drown'd with their transport­ing Acclamations. If you are shipwreck'd by a storm of Tears, you may have your own Sighs to blow you right again. If you are once level'd with the ground, you must raise your self, or lie there, and be trampled on; so that if once the Destinies do triumph over us, not any Mor­tal fails. If once our Stage of Life proves Tra­gical, we shall never change the Scene by the assistance of any adjacent Actor, or Spectator, but be miscrable to the latest Epilogue; and on­ly thereby become the fittest Object for that poor comfort of Calamity, Pity. But I have sufficiently dilated on this Topick in the pre­ceding Discourse, and already largely shew'd [Page 119]you our Excise-Man's Sentiments herein, so I shall here wave its further prosecution.

The conclusive Deduction is, That our Ex­cise-Man is not abusive to those who even oc­casion'd his most Ʋnjust Discharge; nor has he hard thoughts of those Gentlemen who there­upon perform'd it: Respecting the former, he knows, that though they have done him an Injury far beyond any Reparation, a Prejudice above the reach of Satisfaction, and a Wrong which could not be supported with Patience by any but himself, and no one's Charity but his could pardon; yet his unspotted and un­stain'd Innocence fortifies, and is the univer­sal Arsenal which infallibly provides him with the most powerful Arms to hinder his being vanquish'd. He smiles at the petty Intrigues of these Diminutives, who therefore dread his Presence, which creates a Sweat beyond a Bag­nio, and whose Knees are mutual Anvils, that beat a Desperation, whilst be triumphantly sits unsullied like the Lilly, and thus enthroned, reigas in untainted Innocence.

In relation to the latter, he concludes, That as no compacted Dust can be infallible, so the most towring parts and knowing Mortal, have not escap'd an Imposition from the subtle, tho abominable Artifices of those who no way merit the Character of Men; and since their Intentions are always guided by the striclest [Page 120]Rules of Probity and Justice, he therefore can­not censure the result, though it is not imme­diately attended with the real Consequent of it. Besides, he sees them frequently detected, and consequently a small space of time will produce its desired Effects, and himself there­fore re-established. In the mean time his Be­haviour is ever modestly submissive, and with a sedate Contentment waits a suitable Reta­liation of his most inoffensive Behaviour, and survives, in hope of its being crown'd with an agreeable success. And indeed it is the only happiness of him that is depriv'd of all other; for Hope is the greatest Antidote against De­spair, and the infallible Cordial against all impending Miseries; and although it be ex­ceedingly deceitful, yet it is of this good use to us, that while we are travelling through this life, it conducts us an casier and more pleasant way to our Journies END.