YOU are not to be angry or displeased to see me read every Word of this my Discourse, it being a fine, easie, lazy way, that we have not long since brought into fashion, to save the labour of Conning. Mankind is by Nature generally addicted to Idleness: So that the greatest part of the Worlds Inhabitants, that complain of the Shortness of Life, hardly know what to do with the third part of their Time. This is that which fills the Taverns, Ale-houses, and Coffee-houses; and this is that Feneant and Scorbutick Humour that has infected Us, that we had rather loiter away our time over Tea, or Turkish Liquor, than trouble our Studies, or exercise our Patiences, to get our Sermons without-book. We had rather feed the People with Homilies, compos'd of a few raptim Expressions, as hastily committed to Writing, than lose the sweet and charming Society of our Admired GUIDE. O That Man, my Beloved, That Man, That Man! He is the Man; Ho Anthropos. I'le tell you, my Beloved, I have a Project in my Head; and if it don't take, 'tis your fault: If you will chuse me to be your Parson, I will undertake to read to you one of This Man's Observators every Sunday, and Expound upon it. Never fear it, my Beloved, he has and will write enow to serve Us as long as we live: to tell you the Truth, he squitters Observators. There you shall hear the rarest Things!—Things, my Beloved!—Such Things that put my Invention to a stand for Expression to blazon their indelible Character. For, Do you admire Flash and Fury, as I well know you do? There you shall have it. Do you admire the most confounded Impertinence that was ever made publick to the World? There you shall have it. Would you know how to Govern the State? There you may find out the Knack. Would you understand how to Govern the Church? There's your Director and Guide. Moreover, my Beloved, there you shall find great Discoveries, monstrous Discoveries, Disclosures, almost past belief, of deep Secrets, profound Mysteries, the hidden Arcana of Screws and Antipendiums. Screws and Antipendiums! Iesu Maria, you'll say! What are those? Why, my Beloved, they are Screws and Antipendiums. The Egyptian Hieroglyphicks, or the Cabala of the Hebrews never contain'd such abstruse, close obscure Significations as are wrapp'd up in those Words. And thus, according to custom, I am coming, with much ado, to the Point. And a notable Point it is; a Point not to be spurn'd, as the Boys do; but a Point of Reason, a Point of Reason not to be question'd, a Point of Reason not to be doubted, a lasting Point, a fashionable Point; All the Point Venize's and Point Lorrains i' th' World are nothing to this Point. Well then, but what is this Point? Why the Point is this: And this is the Reason why ye shall not believe him. What is the Reason? Why this is the Reason; not a Womans Reason, Because ye shall not believe him; but, Because he made Brass Screws to an Antipendium. Not because he exceeded Judas in Treachery, Iulian the Apostate in Irreligion, Tiberius in Dissimulation, and Belzebub himself for Lying; but, O most Celestial Reason, never heard of before! Because he made Brass Screws to the Antipendium.

So then, my Beloved, here are two things i' my Text; A Man that is not to be believed, and the Reason why. Ye shall not believe him; there's the Advice or Admonition: Then follows the Reason in Order, For that he made Brass Screws to an Antipendium. Thus ye find the Person in the Word Him: for do but decline the Word, and ye have him presently; as for Example, Nominativo, He; Genitivo, Of Him; Dativo, To Him; Accusativo, HIM. There he is, proper in the Accusative Case: For this Him is accus'd to be that He that made the Brass Screws. Shall I open the Words more particularly? Come on then.—Ye, that is, all ye that admire The Man, Ton Anthropon; Ye that believe that all he writes is other than the meer 〈…〉 Chiens, or Dogs-brabling; other than the Impertinent Flashes of Fury and Revenge, or else the Grateful Acknowledgments of Tavern-Adoration, while he blesses himself to be the aged Thamuz of two or three Red-twisted Clubs; All ye, I say, shall not, no not for your Ears, that is, as you tender the loss of his Favour, which is not worth a Straw; as you tender the Lashes of his Pen, that are not worth a Rush; All Ye, I say, shall not believe, that is, Ye shall give no more credit, than a Roman Catholick would to a Heretick, tho he speak never so true, tho he has been already believed by his Prince and Chief Counsellors; yet ye shall give no credit to Him, that is, to that Person, whoever he be, that swears he has seen the Observator at Mass in the Queens Chappel: for this Nettles him to the Quick; a Nest of Gad-bees is not more terrible at Midsummer to a gall'd Horses Back. It makes him yerk, and kick, and fling, and low and bellow like Iupiter's Mistress in the shape of a Heifer, with Iuno's amorous itch in her Tail. Now these are the Effects of touching the Copyhold of our Admired Guide: but wo worth him that touch'd it; for the Law of the Meads and Persians is gone forth, Ye shall not believe Him.

But notwithstanding this severe Edict, you'll say, Why may not we believe him if we please? He discover'd the Murder of Sir Edmondbury Godfrey, and was believed. He was also farther believ'd, notwithstanding the Address of Thomson's Managers, and the great Lists your ador'd Conductor gave them, to the Shame and Ignominy of those that sought to blemish his Reputation. Why then shall not we believe him? Oh! my Beloved, there is a Reason for that, such a Reason as all the Sorbonne Doctors could not have studied a better. Our Conductor is a Person that has a Head not so big perhaps as an Elephant; but had he had the Brains of an Elephant, a Camel, a Whale, and the Ethiopian Hippopotamos, all united tagether in one Scull, he could not have found out a more notable piece of substantial Reason, than he has done with that lesser Pericranium of his, Because He made certain Brass Screws for an Antipendium.

Now, my Beloved, to make you understand these Words aright, I must go a preposterous way to work, in regard I must set the Cart before the Horse, by a certain Greek Figure called Hysteron Proteron; that is, I must tell ye what an Antipendium is, what the Brass Screws are, then who made them, and upon what account. I must confess, Our Conductor has made more noise in the World with these Screws, than ever Vulcan and all his Cyclops made at the framing of Achilles's Armour: Come into S—'s Coffee-house, there was nothing but a confus'd noise of Brass and Screws, and Screws, and Brass Screws. Antra Aetnaea tonant, striduntque Cavernis Stricturae Chalybum— You would have sworn you had been in the Halting Deity's Work-house, with his Journey-men Brontes and Steropes, and Brawny Pyracmon. And what was all this for, but to prove that there was a Reason why the certain He was not to be believed? So that whatever was the proper Use of the Screws, Our so admired Guide intended them for another Use, which was, to have trepann'd the soft Noddles of the Vulgar into a belief of his fabulous Contrivance.

But now leaving the Screws a while, let us return to the Antependium, alias Antependulum, corruptly Antipendium, which derives its Being from two Latin Words, Ante, Before; and Pendere, To hang: And these two Words copulating together, have produced a kind of Mongrel Monstrosity, called Antependulum, or Antependium, vulgarly Antipendium, that is to say, Something hanging before. Now there are so many things that hang before, that I am afraid we shall be a great while upon the scent, before we find out this proper Antipendium, for so we will henceforth call it, for brevities sake. We find, in the Learned Petronius Arbiter, that there are some Men that carry your Antipendiums in their Breeches. These are, as the same Author says, your Lumborum solutorum viri, the Impotent and the aged. A sort of People generally contemn'd by the Female Sex, and therefore most commonly Cornuted; that is to say, because they have onely Antipendiums in their Breeches, they are forced to carry Antestandiums in their Foreheads. Of these Antipendiums Iuvenal gives ye an Account in these Words; Et quamvis tota palpetur nocte jacebit: And therefore (saith Petronius) the Persons who are so unfortunate, are In Capricorno Erumnosi, quibus prae mala sua (sorte) Cor •• a nascuntur.

For this Reason I shall cease to speak any more of these sort of Antipendiums. Onely, my Beloved, I shall give you this advice, That you keep your Antipendiums out of harms way. There are some Persons (a thing too common now a days) who are very careless of their Antipendiums: And what becomes of 'em then? Why, many times they lose their Antipendiums, for want of Brass Screws, that is to say, firm, sound, lasting Screws, not such rotten, foul, infected Screws as they made use of. Therefore, say I, keep your Antipendiums out of harms way.

There are another sort of Antipendiums, so called because they hang before all the World. Of this kind was that same Crucified Thief that was stoln by night from the Roman Soldier; but the Cross was presently supplied again by the chast and vertuous Ephesian Matron, with the Corps of her five-days-deplored Husband. Malo mortuum (quoth the chaste Matron) impendere, quam vivum occidere. The Soldier (saith the Text) nec deformis nec infacundus Iuvenis castae videbatur, was neither deformed nor unpleasing Society to the Chast Matron. And then again, her Maid, the Companion of her Complaints, (hoping to come in for a Share, as she did) came over her with an irresistible piece of Perswasion,—Placito ne etiam pugnabis Amori? And so the good Lady yielded at last, for the sake of the Soldiers Antipendulum, to surrender the long-bewailed, dear, dead Corps of her Hu • band, to be an Antipendium among Rogues and Thieves, rather than the Kind Soldier, that had prolongued her days, should suffer. In the same manner you shall observe several Antipendiums of this nature, upon the Roads of England: particularly three between Istington and Hatfield, who may be also called Antipendiums in time, because they were hang'd before them that were hang'd after 'em. Thus Staley was an Antipendium to Coleman, Coleman an Antipendium to Grove and Pickering. Then you might have beheld three more Antipendiums, Hill, Green, and B • rry, who were Antipendiums in respect of Whitebread and his Brethren. And lastly, Thompson and Farwell were another sort of Antipendiums to Westminster-Hall.

Well, my Beloved, 'tis pity that Man was not made as Momus would have had him made, that is, with Windows in his Breast: For I am perswaded, could you see into our dear Conductor's Heart, you would there discover a most violent Antipathy against the Person Him in my Text, and a whole Rosarie of earnest Wishes, that he might live to see Him made an Antipendium among the rest; nay, you might see another Result of his Mind, that he would not spare for the Expences of half a dozen Half •• eets Salarie, for a pair of excellent Brass Screws, to fasten Him to the Gib • t. And I give this Reason for what I say; For that Person, who having an Enmity against another, cannot Coach it by his Door, but he must lill out his Tongue at him, shews a vast heat of Malice and passionate Fury in his Bowels, take it which way you please, either like one of Lucan's Menippus's, or, according to the natural Custom of Birds and Beasts in hot Weather. 'Tis an ill Sign that the same Maligning Person, sitting in the same Church, at the same Service of God, over against the Maligned Him, should be so unable to temper his Charity in the sight of God, that he could not refrain from a Cough of Derision, like the Calling of Quails, or the Iugging of Partridges, to waken his drowsie Friends to a particular notice of the Rehearsal of the Ninth Commandment; as if the Timing of his Phlegmatick Hem—Hems— so particularly concerned his Opposite Him, that all the rest of the Church were presently bound to look up, and stare, upon his Phthysical Alarms. Whereas, in truth, the Breach of the Commandment lies upou our dear Conductor's side, to accuse a Person about Screws and Antipendiums, that signifie no more, than if he had made the same noise, and bark'd with the same inveteracy, against the Moon. Tell me, my Beloved, where this Man's Charity lies, in Podice Canis, or in anxietate Asini?

But I come now to another sort of Antipendium, I mean the Play-house Curtain, that hangs before the Scenes. And this is sometimes a Comical, sometimes a Tragical Antipendium. Now I am apt to believe, that our dear Conductor meant his Conceit for a Comical Antipendium, as having a desire to oblige the World with a little Mirth; to which purpose he made this Comical Romance of Screws and Antipendiums, populo ut placerent quas ipse fecit fabulas. What ill luck it was he wanted Intelligence to compleat the Fable? 'Twas pity he had not heard of the Smith's Wife in Distaff-lane, that was perswaded to environ her self with Back, Breast, and Head-piece, and follow her Husband to the Ale-house, like a St. George a Foot, or another Penthesilea: From whence he might have fram'd another strange Story, of a Walking Antipendium, and have made three or four Prognosticating Observators out of it.

Well, but you'll say, This is not the Antipendium which our dear Conductor meant—However, do but hoise it up, and it presently presents you with a Sight. First, Behold our dear Conductor sitting in an Elbow-Chair, between Circe on the one side, and Medea on the other, who have each of them the Command of two great Fats, as big as Rhenish-Wine Fats (You would think our Conductor Sutler-General of England, between his two Camp-Mistresses of the Field) These Fats contain a most pleasing and intoxicating Potion, between Circean, Medean, and Whore of Babylonian, much of the same Brewing as Ovid describes it, Nec Mora: misceri tosti jubet hordea grani Mellaque, vimque meri, cum lacte coagula passo, Quique sub hac lateant furtim dulcedine succos Adjicit.— About these Fats you shall see Multitudes of People pressing, some for their Quarterns, some for their Half-quarterns, some for their Gills, which they have no sooner drank off, but they fall into several sorts of Frenzies and Ecstasies; some fall a Huzzaing, some curse the Whigs, others damn the Dissenters, another swears all Men are Liars but the Observator, another rails at Ignoramus Juries. And for the Observator himself, he seems to have taken a large Dose; for he does nothing but rave against Aldersgate-street, Throckmorton-street; tells ye a hundred Bedlam Stories of Screws and Antipendiums, and Vintners Boys; the meer gerrae of a wounded Fancy. After this, you shall see two Iesuits present him with an Instrument ready tun'd; upon which he falls a playing as if he were mad. Thereupon you shall presently see the Pope his nown self descending in a Chair of State, screw'd together with Brass Screws, to hear the Musick of his Lessons. He seems to be extremely pleas'd, nods his Head and smiles, and so having given him thanks for assisting Thompson, abusing Dr. Oates and Prance, up he soars again out of sight, and then down drops a Showr of Guineys, and down drops the Antipendium, and so the Shew ends.

And thus we come to another sort of Antipendium, I mean, the Gaudy Bushes that hang before your Entrances into the Oracle of the Bott • ; a frequent Sign of the Habitation of a certain Commander called a Captain. True it is, that formerly Bacchus and Mars, th • they were near of kin, yet they were two distinct Persons. Mars was a God both by the Father and Mothers Side, but Bacchus onely by the Fathers Side. Iuno was Mars's Mother; but Bacchus's Mother was no other than Cadmus's Daughter, whose Name was Semele. Yet this Semele was akin to Iuno too, as being Great-grand-daughter to Iuno's Sisters Great-Aunts Cousin- • ermain. I refer ye for the rest to the Heralds Office. But now I think on't, you may spare your selves that trouble. For, as you may read in Ovid's Metamorphoses, or else in the most worthy Ribadeneira's Volume of Wonders, in process of Time Mars and Bacchus were incorporated into one Person, called a City-Captain. The Reason you shall find in Lucian's Council of the Gods. For they, in deep Consultation among themselves, wisely considering the vain, hot-headed, frantick, Hector-like, Humours of Mortals in their Wine, and what prejudice the Sons of Semele received, by breaking their Chairs, slashing their Hangings, mangling their Pictures, twisting their Silver Spoons, disfiguring their Tankards, throwing their Pots down Stairs, and kicking the young Menades, or Drawers, resolved, as I said before, to incorporate Bacchus and Mars, Vintner and Captain, into one, to enable them the better to quiet the Quarrels of such Hectorean Lapithe's as should presume to invade their Liberties and Properties in their own peculiar Dominions.

These Antipendiums are of great consequence; for these are those Antipendiums that direct the Poet to those Hippocrenes of Sack and Claret that inspire him to write wanton Comedies, Tragick Raptures, and Pindarick Love-Verses. That guide the Melancholy where they may drown their Cares; the Huzzaers, where to Huzzah; the Plotters, where to Consult; the Men of Pleasure, where to Treat their debonnair Misses; Lords, Knights, and Gentlemen, where to roar and swagger; and, in a word, where Men may dispatch all sorts of Business, settle Religion, order the State, but more especially throw off the troublesom Clog of their Estates, and gain the Appellation of Good Common-wealths-men, for increasing the Publick Revenue.

But now, my Beloved, I come to the Business, those Antipendiums of Antipendiums, the Female Antipendiums, the Ladies Antipendiums, the Mothers Antipendiums, the Daughters Antipendiums, the Mistresses Antipendiums, the Maids Antipendiums; Antipendiums without, Antipendiums within. As for example; there is first the Gold-fring'd and Silk-fring'd Antipendium, that brush the City Free-stone, and the Church-Pavement so clean, that Younger Prentices and Sextons have little to do: The Gorgeous Antipendium, so ponderously Fring'd and Lac'd, 'twould almost sprain a Mans Wrist to move it; so wondrous weighty, that many times they crack the Purse-strings that hoise 'em and loar 'em, tho as big as ordinary Cables, while the gay Enchantress walks in her Circles of Gold and Silver, and bewitches all the World. Now, Beloved, behind this Antipendium is another Antipendium, and behind That, another: But then, Beloved, O then! What then?—Oh! how I stretch, and yawn, and gape to think on't! Then appears the Antipendium indeed, the true, right, undeniable, Hyperbolical Antipendium, that hangs before those Arva Muliebria, those Hortos Cupidinis, as the Learned Apuleius hath it; That Antipendium which if it be but Lac'd, Emperours will stoop to raise it. This is that Antipendium which the Unlearned, the Illiterate, the People of Long-lane and Wapping, call a Smock. But now how highly, how infinitely is the Nation, the Whole Nation (for all Men, all Sects, all Opinions are now concern'd) how past all Retribution are they oblig'd to our dear Conductor, for this fine, clean modest, neat, harmless, inoffensive Word? The Ladies too are bound to give him eternal praise and honour. For now, never no more, never in this World, shall a Smock be call'd a Smock, but an Antipendium. Let the Word Smock be banish'd to the Skirts of the Suburbs, but let the Word Antipendium be the Darling of the English Tongue. How many serious Questions, which Manners, only Manners forbid before, may a Gentleman now ask his Mistress concerning her Antipendium? A Lady may order her Servant to lay her out a clean Antipendium, tho there were twenty Gentlemen i' th' Room. Certainly if the Ladies and Gentlemen do not joyn together, and erect a Monument to our dear Conductor, for making known to the World this sober, maidenly, bashful, shamefac'd, mannerly Word, they will be very ungrateful, and never deserve to have such an Observator again. 'Tis a Word so modest, that the very Quakers may use it. This is that Antipendium to which the desires of Rich and Poor, Lords and Peasants, Young and Old, all tend, as to the Center of their Happiness. For love of this Antipendium some Men hang, others drown, others poyson themselves. The Monks and Friars lick their Lips at it. The Jesuit pulls off his four-square Cap to it, very reverendly: Even his Holiness himself will not disdain to pay his Devotions to this Antipendium. Nay, more than all this, our dear Conductor admir'd one of these Antipendiums in his drooping Years; nor would he Court like a Common Mortal, but like another Iupiter, deceiv'd the Jealous Acrisius.

But now you'll ask me, What Screws are most proper to fix this Antipendium? Why, I must tell ye, your Golden and Silver Screws are very proper, and many times prevail exceedingly: but as the Case may happen, many times your Brass Screws, that is, your boisterous, ranting, tearing, confident Screws, of which Epithets Brass is the general Emblem, and therefore for that Reason call'd metonymically Brass Screws, are much more desirable; insomuch that there are several Cleopatra's and Messalina's of the Age, that had rather have two such Brass Screws, than two and forty Golden or Silver ones.

But here, my Beloved, let me give you a serious Caution. Sometimes it happens, that by vertue of a certain Figure called Synechdoche, the Part is taken for the Whole; that is, the Antipendium which covers, is taken for the Vacuum covered. So then, my Beloved, if at any time you find the Antipendium more displeasing to your sight, than the Vacuum which it conceals, I say, Beware your Brass Screws. Have a care of such an Antipendium as Dejanira's was, that burnt Hercules alive. For sometimes you shall meet with an Antipendium scalding with such an Etnean Heat, as would even melt the Rhodian Colossus's Brass Screw, were they in being. I must confess, my Beloved, we our selves, I mean those of our Long Robe, have a strange fancy for these Antipendiums, insomuch that you would swear, that a great part of the Tribe of Levi were turn'd Gentlemen-Ushers. Which makes me admire that so many of our Sommer-Divines should be so zealous for our dear Conductor, that would so fain once more subject them to the cast-off Yoke of Antichrist, who will not allow them the convenience of these Antipendiums, than which there is nothing in the World more delightful to them. I could here run into a prodigious Discourse of the Conveniencies and Inconveniencies of these Antipendiums; but it behoves me to be guided by my Hour-glass, which is the Measure of your Patience.

Well then, by way of Application, the Moral of all this, is, to shew ye how zealous our dear Conductor has been to raise and improve a company of Tales and Romantick Stories of Screws and Antipendiums, not at all for the Publick Good, but all in the silly and shammaking Justification of his own Ill-Conduct, not to call it worse; tho to the utter ruine of one of the Chiefest and most Unblemished Evidences of that damned Conspiracy against the Life of his Sacred Prince, and the Subversion of his Government. A most transcendent piece of Loyalty, and most highly deserving the Fat of Venison among Boys and Prentices▪ Alas! there's no body denies the Act of making the Brass Screws to a Popish Chappel Antipendium, which hangs before the High Altar upon High days; but that they were made without the Approbation and Knowledge of the Employers, is that which our dear Conductor would fallaciously impose upon the World, to prove that Cain's taking the Sacrament, was more acceptable to God than Abel's.

Oh, my Beloved, you blaspheme our dear Conductor: Can he speak an Untruth?—Why not?—For tho the Virgin Mary was so kind to St. Dominic, as to give him a Visit from the Coelum Empyreum, and to bring him the Confirmation of his Orders written with an Angels Pen, we do not hear that ever St. Michael brought our dear Conductor any Patent from Heaven to be Truth-speaker General of England. And therefore 'tis a Presumption and Arrogance in our dear Conductor to pretend to be the onely Utterer of Truth, unless he could prove his Assertions by better Proofs than the Flams of Screws and Antipendiums. 'Tis much he had never another Story of Screws and Antipendiums for Dr. Fletcher, who swore much more to the purpose than Prance. Of which two Persons, when one of their Oaths is enough to render our dear Conductor suspected, it is to me a wonder how he can have the Effronterie to defend the Interest of the Church of England; or the Church of England Men be so weak to own him for their Champion, which is the greatest Scandal they now lie under. But 'tis observable▪ my Beloved, that when our dear Conductor is pinch'd, he presently recoils under the Protection of Loyalty, and cries out with a loud Voice Treason, Treason, Lies, Rebellion, Covenants, Associations, &c. like a Dog that snarles between his Masters Legs. But, my Beloved, our dear Conductor is to understand, that there are Persons in the World that will not come to Sam's Coffee-house to learn what Truth or Loyalty is, from such a State-Pragmaticus as his Worship. If he would know what Loyalty is, we will tell him, for once, from a much more Venerable Author than himself, writing to the present Dolphin of France: After all that hath been said, saith he, we are to conclude, That if we would observe the inviolable, the vertuous Fidelity of Subjects, it behoves us to be obliged to our Lawful Prince by the same Ties that we are bound to God; that we reverence Kings as His Lieutenants, and His Living Images, the Ministers of His Iustice, and the Organs of His Will. La Faussette, des Vertus Humaines, Tom. 1. pag. 487. Let him deeply consider these Words, and make his best of 'em. 'Tis to be suppos'd, when he has conn'd 'em well, he will better distinguish between Loyalty to a Prince and his Government, and Compliance with a Parish-Ceremony, and recant his Heathenish Assertion of removing the Dissent. In the mean while, let not this Shimei of an Observator brandish his reproachful Pen against so many thousands of People, that make so great a Figure in the Nation; Persons that from the Peerage to the Tradesman share so large a Portion of the Kingdoms Wealth, and therefore not to be reflected upon, without considerate Meditation, and the Conviction of Legal Proofs. Reproach and Calumny will provoke the most patient and innocent of Men: —Vexat Censura Columbas. Therefore Machiavil himself abhors Incendiaries and Calumniators, as the Pests of a Commonwealth. He allows of Legal Accusation; but, saith he, Calumnies are detestable, as not requiring Proof and Testimony; whereas Accusations, must be legally and judicially made apparent. Let our dear Conductor accuse as much as he can; but let hm not revile, and tell idle Stories, and call his fraudulent and adulatory Assertions Loyalty, as if he thought he could convince the Nation, by disputing with himself. Which Admonition would he but observe, as the World would not be so intollerably pester'd with his loose Half-sheets, so he might have more leisure to think of retiring to the other World, which he once promised to do, but has most wickedly broke his Promise.