[Page] THE DIALOGUE BETWIXTCIT andBƲMPKIN ANSWEREDIn another betwixtTOM the CHESHIRE PIPER, ANDCaptain CRACK BRAINS.
Dedicated to the RIGHT WORSHIPFƲL THE MAYOR OF QUINBOROUGH.
London, Printed in the Year 1680.
[Page] TO THE RIGHT WORSHIPFUL THE MAYOR OF QUINBOROUGH.
THough it be a very customary thing, many times, for no other reason, but to shew a man's special acquaintance, to make all Addresses of this Nature to some great Duke or other, yet I have declined that common Road, as well knowing, that if there be no intrinsick value in the matter addrest for, the greatest Prince is no more able to protect from Censure than the Mayor of Quinborough; yet, as if there was some Spell in the point too, I am not ashamed of my choice; for there was a time within the Ken of many now living, when there was never a Duke in England, and no complaining in our Streets, yet then there was a Mayor of Quinborough; and that time may happen again, without Natures inversion, yet then the Mayor of Quinborough [Page] will bear as considerable a Figure in the Government as ever. I shall now take upon me to say something, which possibly has not occurred to your reading, of Corporations, they being as so many Idols, adored by many in the Nation, they are all alike in their Original Constitution, small ones differing from great ones, as little Devils do from the higher Orders, viz. in respect of capacity to do hurt; and are all like so many Commonwealths in a Monarchy, being absolutely independent of the Crown, as to bearing Places and Offices of Trust in all their several and respective Districts; for though all Offices, Civil and Military, determine at the Death or Demise of the King, yet your Worships administrative Faculty and Jurisdiction, with all your Clan, continues without the least recess or interruption; neither is it in the power of any Prince, according to the common Dispensations of Royal Will and Pleasure, to alter the meanest Officer amongst you: What induced the Crown of England to those Acts of Grace at first, I shall not take upon me to offer at; I will onely tell you, that they are like the Hanse-Towns of the Empire, and if they had the same strength, as may be guess'd from what happened of late years, would be as unmanageable; for if the Crown had as many independent Regalities, except for a little Homage when they list, it would be then counted natural to preserve themselves by a common League in their Immunities, to which Corporations would in no mean methods contribute: But since the providence of the Crown has provided better for our Peace, it's the most prudent for them all to mind their Trade, the thing for which they were first imbodied, and leave the conduct of State-affairs to them, whom God and the Law has intrusted to that Noble end.
Now to induce all you little Commonwealths thus to your duty, I shall press an argument from Gratitude: You may remember, that by the Act of Regulation, which was binding even to your Immortal Power, the Commissioners which were [Page] of the Kings nomination, had power to put out sans number or reason, the respective members that constituted a Corporation, and no penalty upon their not putting others into their places, what would have followed upon the disfranchisement of all the members, which was absolutely in the Commissioners power? even a dissolution of that Body, and by consequence a forfeiture of all their Lands to the Crown; I do not see what could have hindred such a design, had it not fallen out under a Prince who is above all the temptations of tricks: Then the Loyal City of Coventry had lost nigh 3000 per annum, which had been but just for their abetting the late Rebellion; as likewise the good Towns of Leicester, Nottingham, Northampton, and Glocester, &c. might have been reckoned with for their especial zeal in the precious Cause; and which had been more considerable, the superintendency of publick affairs had been put into the Justices of the Peace, which are all alterable, as it is fit all other offices to be at pleasure; and truly if such a thing had happened, you would have fallen unpitied, for your ways are not like others, your Dispensations savour too much of Partiality, none can have common right amongst you, especially in your remote and poorer Corporations, where a Sack of Malt, or a Bushel of Wheat, shall throw a Mist before the Magistracy; and if any of you get a trust, you decide the controversie, if any happen, as Philip of Macedon did that betwixt two petty Princes, who determined all for himself: to adjust this, Ile tell your worship a story, the great Devil had been out about in the world upon the affairs of his calling, and as he thought, had made one sure and considerable set; so he return'd home, and met a little Mephostophilus of the black Society going out, and told him he might stay a little at such a place, for there lay an Usurer irrecoverably sick, that could not scape his clutches for he was endowed with all the villanies of a miserable Carl, as Whore and Bawd both, take unreasonable brokage for his own money, never mist [Page] taking all extremities upon forfeitures, without respect either to Age or Sex, never paid any poor man any due, though never so dearly earn'd, &c. In fine, he had the Conscience of a Pawn-broker, or a Catchpole Serjeant: The little Devil was much pleased at the prospect of his easie imploy, but he found at his return the account wrong stated, and mist of his prize accordingly; which the great Devil enquiring about the circumstances of at his return, with no small wonder was answered, that a Divine had been with him, some hours before he died, and had over-ruled him to give all his Estate to charitable uses, and so he was slipt up to Heaven. who has he made Trustee? said the great Devil; a Mayor, and twelve Aldermen, says the little one: well enough, quoth the great one, we'll have all them. Though this be but a Story, yet there's a Moral in the tail of it, for I could give several instances where Corporations have performed their trusts at such a rate, as will entitle them to a journey into those Low Countries; and to say truth, the Fox-furr'd Magistracy do not generally distinguish betwixt [...] and [...], right and rightly, so much talked on by Tully, or Seneca; but by whether, or both, or neither, is not much material to you or me, and are commonly very tender of doing right against a Member of their own, which they call a standing by, or adjusting their Liberties.
But now your worship may say this is a Satyr upon Corporations, and therefore, when I addrest to you for Patronage, I took a wrong sow by the ear. I must and will submit all things to your better judgment, but give me leave to add something, that may not be unuseful in the circumstance of present affairs, from the male administration inseparably annext to Bodies Politique, (where as the Bishop of Quinque Ecclesiae complains deservedly of the packt Council of Trent, votes are numbred and not weighed) and very unlikely to be otherwayes. I am afraid the East India and African Companies [Page] practise doth not at all make against what I shall offer, whose methods so are uneasie to those unfortunate men, that have any concern amongst them without great purses, that the greatest Extortioner or flee▪Flint in nature, would singly be ashamed on, yet in the croud every thing passes for Justice.
Now least your worship should have your Spouses longing to know what I would be at, I tell you that all Societies of men incorporated together, though by the strictest tyes of religion, and Justice are to be postponed to the Government of a single person: you'l say then how shall we be safe in our concerns, if one man be the sole Judge of good and evil? I grant, where a Despotical power is exercised, as it is almost in all Monarchies but here, the Subject is intirely in the Princes power, but that being a thing so extravagant and contrary to the Law, it were impious to fear it, considering the benignity of our Prince: But what I say now is by way of comparison, that a Despotical Government, nay, and under the greatest Tyrant in nature, is to be preferred before any sort of incorporated power; for the Tyrant may reform as Manasses did; however he must die, and his Successor may make amends for his extravagancies: The wicked Achaz was succeeded by the good Hezekiah; whereas an incorporated power, called by what name you will, never did amend, and which is the insufferable plague of it, is immortal.
If now the greatest Tyranny of a Single Person be to be preferred before the government of many, how religiously in common prudence and justice to our selves ought we to acquiesce under our present condition, the happiness of which I shall neither trouble you nor my self to enlarge upon.
You may say now all this is foreign to the matter in hand; if so▪ I cannot much deny it, but only I being the first that made this kind of address to your Worship, I do the boldlier take upon me the part of a Libertine, in the way of it, as being unwilling to tye my self up to any form soever, we must now say somewhat of the discourse, pretended to be answered, viz. [Page] The Dialogue betwixt Cit and Bumkin, it hath a great vogue Note: Weekly Packet Vol. 2. num. 39. pag 312.in the World, for an Author of no mean account, gives this indelible character, Those that will bestow twelve pence on two Books brimful of sense, good nature, and discretion, let them purchase both first and second Part of those learned discourses Cit and Bumpkin. But now Authors vary, whether this great craracter was figurative or no, to incline to the affirmative, there is an Advertisement subjoyned, how a Gentleman may live by his fingers ends, scribble thread-bare extravagancies two and forty times over, and each time answer them himself, and so (for want of another Adversary) reply, rejoyn, surrejoyn all alone toties quoties as his pinching necessities shall require, written originally in that Babylonish language by Quevedo's Ghost, translated by Don Splutterado Knight of the craving Fob.
But it is now fit that I should give your worship a reason of my undertaking; the chief thing induced me to it, was the just disdain I had, that such a Pigmy should attacque so boldly, and by so opprobrious names, such considerable orders of men as he brings under that name, of which there is some account given in the following Colloquy. Now if his friends object, that the language is too tart upon him, let them consider his own methods of using others, but he may be more excusable for it than his Opponent, considering the Academy of Newgate, which though, as be says, is famous for breeding politick men, yet for polite and soft language it,s not inferiour to the Nunnery of Billings-gate.
You may object Sir, if you please too, why no sooner? when some Authors write Books as fast as Jugers spue Ribands: but you may see by that your Worships Oratour does not write for daily bread, whatever others do.
I should not have said much more in this case, but that there is lately printed an abusive Paper, called, Popery in [Page] Masquerade, in Skeldry; which by the Authors favour, I think a great friend to the Author of Cit and Bumpkin, by his listing Dick and Tom, the pretended answer to that Discourse, amongst those Pamphlets he calls seditious; and therefore I must animadvert a little upon the thing it self, as likewise upon that method: As to the thing or print it self, it is sufficiently libellous and scandalous, for it is not so much a dumb narrative of what's past, as a Scheme of what he would intimate is at present designed: That it is not a narrative of what's past I offer this, the things are so mistimed, for he displays all the Rabble of Sects, upon a consult joyntly petitioning, & J. Presbyter Chairman; now he that knows any thing, must know (and that Author is old enough for a personal knowledge in that Case) that those Sects of Muggletonians, Quakers, especially J. Naylor (who suffered his punishment by order of a number of men called a Parliament in the Protectorate of Oliver) were not so much as heard of, when John the Presbyter was Chairman; nay the Independents themselves were not lookt upon as considerable at that time, tho' afterwards they supplanted their elder Brother, & at such a rate that the time wherein he layes his hopeful harmony for petitions, the Presbyterians had as little power perhaps as they have now: But to make your Worship the better able to understand my observations upon his Plate, I must give you a short description of it, first he sets the Presbyterian in a chair in a ridiculous dress, assisted by all the rabble of Sects, as Adamites, Ranters, and what not, as Counsellors, then he brings the petitioners, which are only Swash and the Elders maid, the Colchester Quaker & the Mare petitioning against Bishops, Service-Book, Popish Lords and evil Counsellours, and thanks given them by the Presbyterians, which by the way is a great want of Charity in him, for tho' those of kind petitions was only the result of minds that desired nothing but matter for quarrel, yet none of the four are like our articles of faith necessary to salvation, & [Page] might if the Government had thought fit, have been altered at pleasure, without breach, either of Gods Law or mans, therefore t ose Petitioners ought not in common good manners, tho, they deserved a very severe reprimam, to be so ranked; for those kind of Best alitie were never charged, which the well natured Author would intimate ought to be upon the decryed Party.
But observe it all along, he is a Gentleman of singular manners as well as discretion, to bring in the Colchester Bridegroom petitioning against Popish Lords, when there is now an Act of State to that purpose, viz. to take away all Legislative power from them, as if that solemn Act which has been gratiously granted at the petition of three Estates, was to be run into ridicule by every Buffoon at pleasure, but, I suppose, he stands Candidate to succeed his friend B. H. in his late Eminency.
But now to go on with the description, he makes all these petitions to be addressed to the Presbyter, and thanks returned to the Petitioners. On the right hand aloft he sets a Cabal of Raskals, as it were in a consult, opposite on the left hand he sets little Alderman Isaac Pennington, & the Pope, under them the Capital letters of Solemn League and Covenant, under that, according to his usual scurrilous way, a piece of Holy Writ, Jer. 60. 5. which he scoffingly would seem to apply to that wicked Combination or Covenant. On the right hand below a company of ill looks Raskals with banners, having Alderman Gourney, Strafford, and Bishop Laud chained amongst 'em, Magna Charta, Bible, and Councils, &c. underfoot, under all the head of the late King of blessed memory. On the left, opposite to it, a great ear'd Knave spewing of Canons and Common Prayer, &c. his head supported by a plump Harlot. Nigh a little Table in the middle of all a little Rascally fellow for Secretary beset with pot and pipe, and Monkey by him as Assistant, with a great many other gimcracks not worth mentioning, but I onely observe that the excise is by its Companions as the Directory Ordinance ranked amongst those wicked grievances. I wonder why it should for sure the Animal doth not think, that ever that duty will be taken [...]way. Ʋnder all a great deal of Poetry both good bad and indifferent in the kind. There are only two verses, that I remark upon, as now very well timed and tinctured with Jesuites loyalty, he makes a Company of Fellows say thus,
A very excellent argument for the sitting of that Court but suitable enough I suppose, to his design, but he might do well to discover such a contrivement if he know it for else misprison of Treason must be his lot; if he know nothing, but only out of his singular good nature & piety guesses at things, [Page] there is a piece of Salust very applicable.
Est locus in carcere quod Tullianum appellatur.
From what has now been offered, or from their own better understandings, none will, I think, suppose, that this piece of painting is any thing historical, but rather a project now pretendedly in agitation.
As now I have said somewhat of his witty and elaborate piece, so I'le say a little of that way of libelling, it is a libel as much as writing, & as much punishable, but yet, I think, a man may safely put a case of that nature, as thus, Admit a Painter draw Oliver newly established in the Protectorate, environed with all his Myrmidons, all publick officers & foreign Ministers addressing to him, the area of the Cut bestrowed with all the remarques of a ruined State, as a Crown and Scepter reversed, the Magna Charta, the holy Bible, Acts of Parlia, all thrown about a great Church orethrown, the 3 Estates, the loyal Gentry and Nobility looking through prison grates, &c. and at the lower end of all a little dapper fellow with a Chamlet Cloak over his shoulder to cover a base Viol, making his honours like a mannerly School-Boy, & telling one of the Pages of honour, that he desires to make an humble oblation of Musick to congratulate his serene Highness's assumption of the Government, as well as to chear and refresh his mighty spirits, as an argument that he had quit that unfortunate side, as might appear by a label out of his mouth, some unlucky body would guess a certain Gentleman that lives in the high way to the Paddington Tree, to be meant by it: Admit again a Painter to draw a pretty well timbred Gentleman set in his scribling laboratory in a thinking posture, and a doughty man of war flourishing an ireful sapling over his manly shoulders, which put him into such a posture, as Aeneas was in when he was ready to be piss himself in the storm,
Duplex tendens ad sydera Palmas Talia voce refert. Which may be Englished, thus.
De mortuis nil nisi bonum, says the angry man of war, for this little Author had been bespattering the great Coke for which he was with such indignation rebuked. To go on with this Skeldry, admit a Painter should draw a grave antiquated Sq; about the great clymacterick running away with a young Lass in the lawful way of marriage, Note: Paraph. of Phaed. to Hippol. by the Club.with her Purse inside outwards as an emblem of wealth, and the old Gentleman poetizing concerning himself, as might appear by the ingenuity of the delineatour at this rate,
And to say truth, the Gentleman had in his youthful days as many remedies against banging himself for love, as Lukeners lane, the Old Cherry-Garden, or Madam Bear her Damosels (a Lady as famous in her Generation for those intrigues, as either Mother Gifford or Betty Buley of late and happy memory) could afford. I say, and it like your worship, some would say it was knavishly meant.
But lest you or some wiser Reader should object at the impropriety of making a Piper sometimes talk like a Scholar, it cannot be worse than to make a Bumpkin a Politician, a Canting Knave, and yet so ignorant in Religion as to talk of the Ten Tables. But when all's done our Lucian will call me a Libeller, as he does every body, that's not exact according to his own model, and I believe would not forbear a man that should write against the vanity of spending night after night at Langtrilow, and losing twenty pound at a time to a Company of Sophistresses, for want of an Assistant to convey the beloved Pam.
But the Reader may say this is severe upon some Body, but when that somebodies methods are considered, it may not be deemed improper, according to an old piece of Badge footed Poetry in Manuscript, in answer to an abusive Scot;
- Skelton Laureate
- After this rate
- Defendeth with his pen
- All Englishmen
- From vile Dundass
- That Scottish Ass.
- Dundass so drowzy,
- So scab'd and lowzy.
- Thou sayest in thy rayles
- We Englishmen have tayles,
- Behind in my hose
- I have a rose
- For thy Scottish nose.
And so I kiss your Worships hands, and remain
A DIALOGUE BETWIXT Captain Crackbrain, and Tom the Cheshire Piper, IN ANSWER TO CIT and BUMPKIN.
At a Side-board of a Coffee-House.
ON my Soul, that's Tom the Piper that sits so gravely there: He is a notable Knave, I'll acost him, pretend acquaintance, and get something out of him; How dost thou Tom? I think there is no body left in the House but us two, if thou wilt I'll sit down by ye.
You are welcome, but I declare against all things that are not of English Manufacture, let's have a Mug of Ale, and I'll joyn with you.
A match.
Sir, may I beg the favour of your Name?
My name is Crackbrain.
A very good Family; of the North or the West?
I'm of the Crackbrains of the North, where my Family has flourished some hundreds of years: But lets talk now of other matters, and because I hear you to be Book learned, I'll ask you what you think of the Dialogue 'twixt Cit and Bumpkin.
I think it a very Scoffing Scurrilous Pamphlet, and that the Author is within the equity of the Pillory; for he without any due regard to good manners or truth, bespatters many of the Nobility, the most eminent Gentry, and Citizens, with the basest and meanest practices of Forgery imaginable: For can any thing be more vile or any thing more malicious, than to do as Bumpkin charged Note: Pag. 3.himself withal, namely to fill up Sheets with Smiths and Walkers, &c. to amuse the Nation with numbers, as if they meant something further?
I must take upon me the Defence, and therefore I believe the Author was in the right, as to the charge.
Note: Ibid. Ay, and for Women to underwrite for their Husbands in the West Indies too.
I must and will undertake his Defence, because of my Allyance with him.
I thought so, for I'll be hanged if he be not of the Noble House of the Crackbrains too. But heark you Captain, make good the Defence of that, Et eris mihi magnus Apollo.
I'll say this, that there is nothing in that Paper that's either disloyal or Popish.
Not in point blank terms, but without much difficulty reducible to either of those heads.
What the Pox, you do not take the Author for a Papist or a Plotter?
He is one of the Multi though.
What's that?
Salust telling the opinion of the People about Cataline's Plot, sayes, Multi ob stultitiam non putabant, multi ob ignorantiam non videbant, multi ob pravitatem non credebant, & non credendo conjurationem adjuvabant: Which I have got turned thus into Meeter:
I must confess, that's a very apposite Application; but do you think then, that Author to be a Papist?
No, on my Conscience, but a Protestant Gentleman, because he somewhere sayes so, but he might as well have said Protestantish, as he scurrilously sayes in another place; but however he is in his Religion, I am sure he is a Papist in Faction, as many others are.
On my Conscience you might as well have charged Mr.—so.
None will be so impudent sure, as to fix any such imputation upon such a Pillar of the Church, such a Steeple of Truth as he is known to be! but yet if a man consider his further discovery of the Plot, dedicated to Dr. Titus Oates, his Passion for him, if he be a Protestant, will be very sedate, for what Jesuit could lessen the Doctor's testimony, or Narrative of the Plot, more than he has done, by saying, I believe the Plot, and as much of it as every good Subject ought to believe, or as any man in his right Wits can believe, nay, I'll so absolutely believe it, that in my Conscience, you your self, Doctor, do not believe more of it than I do, and then very wittily, according to his facetious way of scoffing, compares the whole thing to the raining of butter'd Turnips? he might have said Cods heads, it would have made up the simile every whit as well; might not any dying Priest have said the same, and have salved all by Equivocation, though he believed not a word of the Doctor's Depositions? as, I suppose, Mr.—does not: Well, in fine, Captain, had that discourse been put into Meeter, it would have been the subject of many witty Ballads.
I vow Tom, you are very rude with a Gentleman, that bears so considerable a figure in the Government, as 'tis known he does: I profess you deserve to be severely punished.
No, no, he did, he may say fuimus Troes, he was some Body, when he had the Superintendency of your little Books and Ballads which brought in many a halfcrown; before he came to that Preferment, he may remember he was as mutinous in print as any Body, because he could get nothing; then the Government lay under a male-administration, when the Advocate General which should have tryed him for his Loyalty, which he can never be sufficiently commended for, came to be Chancellor of Norwich, he was about that time very pert with the King too, for giving greater gifts to a Lord, that had been of the other side, than suitable to his great mind; so to quiet him, it was allowed him to write things like the Old Diurnals, twice a week, which he did for about six years, with no small Satisfaction to himself, till at last, he stuft his Papers with such little things, as where Rowland Pipin liv'd, and how Goodman Shuffe was choaked with eating a two penny Custard for a Wager, &c. That it was not decent to the grandieur of the Nation, to have such a publick Notary, and so the Gazette way of writing yet continued, was taken up.
This is Passion, but after all, prithee Tom tell me your Opinion concerning Dr. Oats his Depositions, for I'm sure you'r a man of Observation.
I have read them, and I have read some other things, and have read him too by some small Conversation, the Measures I took from thence is, that I do take the Doctors Narrative to be the real Truth which time will at last bring forth, though many are a little impatient about it, for he has not Compass enough to invent [Page 5] such a lie, and so circumstantiated, for I assure you lie is no Sophister, witness his indiscretions to the Episcopal Clergy, and his slight speaking of them, which must be imputed to his Education, being bred a Fanatick, then turn'd Papist, now that's laid aside, he may be the same again, so I conclude him governed by Truth then, because now governed by a thing like Conscience, but had he been a man of those Intrigues, florid Parts, as the learned Author of Cit and Bumpkin, so well able to invent and polish a Tale, with prophane swearing and other proper Circumstances, as he has shewn himself all along to be in that Discourse, I should have no more believ'd the Plot from the Doctors single Testimony, than I believe the method of getting hands have been as he would insinuate.
Truly you must give him a grain of Allowance, for he was in New-gate prison before the Kings Return, and now begins to be uneasie by loss of his Place, by the Freedom of Trade, which has been costly enough to some, and some other things in the World that are uneasie to him, which makes him very passionate at any thing like Fanaticism, which he takes every thing to be that does absolutely quadrate with his own Capricio. I must speak Truth though I be his Cousin.
You put me in mind of a Story when Bishop Bonner came out of the Marshalsea, to exercise his Episcopal Office in Queen Mary's time, he behaved himself very extravagantly to some Gentlemen, that came to wait on him in his Visitation, which when one of his Servants would have excused by his late coming out of Prison, a Gentleman replied, he is lately come out of the Marshalsea, and now he is fit to go to Bethlehem, but there is a Friend of mine one J. Neuton, that lives on Clerken-well-green, that cures all mad People, that are [Page 6] not moped, as he sayes in his printed Paper, if he would repair thither, he might be accommodated, and this poor Nation at quiet, for his Distemper is far from any thing like mopishness, being so Mercurial a Gentleman as he is known to be, and therefore, as my Author sayes, very curable.
There is no dealing with you, you are so bitter upon my Cousin, we'll call our old cause over again, I'm ready to do as I said, defend that Dialogue.
So you say; but heark you, Captain, you may be a man of sense for all that, do you not think it a very flagitious thing for a little unknown Fellow, to comprehend all the States, Orders, and Divisions of men, both Lords, Citizens, and Commons of England under the opprobrious names of Cit and Bumpkin? names so reproachful, that the meanest Spirit in England would make a repartee with a Cudgel in Answer to either of them.
He meant only the seditious part of them, I suppose, that is, them that were for petitioning, which was pursued with great Zeal by all sort of Phanaticks.
From whence you most logically conclude, it was a seditious contrivance.
Yes, marry do I.
Not so fast, good Captain, there is no Law against it, and where no Law, no Transgression, yet that shameless Author would insinuate a disposition of Rebellion from it: Otherwise he would not treat the Petitioners at that scurrilous rate as he does all along, and truly, Captain, (for I do not love to swear nor talk prophanely, as that Author makes his Cit and Bumpkin do very often,) had not his Majesty declared his dislike against it, as not suitable to his Royal Will and Pleasure, [Page 7] which modest men out of good manners would not oppose, the Petition had been subscribed, as generally as ever any was; for notwithstanding all his malicious charges against it, it was not malum in se, not ill in it self, but as it was circumstanced with the Kings Will to the contrary.
But what say you to all the Phanaticks so cordially joyning in it, may not that beget a suspicion justly, that there was something intended that might be malum in se, ill in it self?
Not at all, doth not the Scripture tell you that the Pharisees were great Sophisticators of the old Law, confounding it by unwritten Traditions? yet they are not blamed, neither is the Doctrine of the Resurrection disparaged, for their stout assertion of it.
You say well, then I see that a Phanatick may sometimes be in the right, as well as the wicked Pharisees, or the Papists.
Who doubts it?
I perceive you are, though not for the defence of Petitioning, yet for the defence of the subject matter of it, what say you to the twitting the King with his Coronation Oath, that Delinquents may be brought to punishment, and then the Parliament was to sit as long as they pleased?
I believe it an unjust charge, as to the main; for though possibly some might be so indiscreet as to name that Oath, not with that due respects to his Majesty, yet I'm confident none was ever so impudent as to demand, in terms, the bringing Delinquents to Punishment, being that was so notorious a 1641 term, as must displease all men that are not of those Principles; but possibly there might be something of trying the Lords in the Tower, which might give the Protestantish Author occasion of that [Page 8] flourish, as if their Case was parallel to those worthy Lords and Gentlemen, then called Delinquents, than which nothing can be more vilely insinuated; but as to his last charge, that the Parliament was to sit as long as they pleased, I'm sure it is so notoriously false, as nothing but a man of a bold front could have said it, I wish he had been in Scotland, and a Subject to their Laws when he said it.
Prithee why so?
They have a Law there, as I have been informed, called the Statute of Leasing, that if any man by prepense false suggestion or insinuation accuse a Lord, so as he may be capitally questioned, it is capital in the Accuser; if that Law was on force here, my little Fellow would be collered; for can any thing be more malicious, than to accuse a Body of men of attempting a thing which cannot be acted without the greatest Treason imaginable, as that of perpetuating a Parliament, for that's the English of sitting as long as they please, meant by the ingenious Author?
He but tells you, that a Countrey Justice said so somewhere upon the Bench, and so they are not his words.
A Writer of Dramatique or Dialogue is to answer always for what he makes the Persons speak, which might be the occasion of that Statute for the punishment of prophane Swearing by Players of Interludes, which our Author is not free from, it may be that quality made him nameless, for fear some cross-grain'd Cur of the Bench should have levied the twelve pence's upon him. But this must be wholly an Artifice to blacken the Petition, for no Justice in the Countrey, nor Westminster neither, though many of them are far from Conjurers, could ever be so fond to assert a thing so wholly and [Page 9] in every parcel an untruth: but there may be strange Children now, as there were in David's time, whose mouth speaketh vanity, from whom the Prophet prayed deliverance, Psal. 144. v. 11.
Why, you are a strange man to expect literal truths from a man that writes in my Friends mystical way.
Heark you, Captain, if your Friend in his mystical way had abused me in particular, as he has almost the whole Nation in general, I would in down-right terms have broken his Head, whensoever I had met him, and in the mean time, have cudgell'd you, noble Captain, till you had discovered his name, though I be but a Piper, Call me Bumpkin? I would have him know, and you too, that I'm the 22d. Piper of my Family, licensed by the Heirs of Dutton, now Lord Gerard, a faculty saved to that Family by two Acts of Parliament; so we are no Rogues, like your South Country Fidlers, Captain.
You are very hot, cooler language would do as well, for hot words do no business.
Well, well; but what say you to that detracting passage, that it would be never the worse Note: Pag. 6.if they, viz. the men of Estates, were out of favour at Court; for an honest revenge, ye know, goes a great way with a tender Conscience.
Very well.
How can any thing be more base than this? to desire that the men of Estates should be out of Favour at Court, because it would prompt them to revenge, as he very Christianly insinuates, the consequence of which must be a War, as he must hope; but I wonder he should, when he is a man of known modesty before an Enemy, if he be the man I guess▪ but he is a publick spirited man, and so hopes a War as the only expedient [Page 10] to set aside all Petitioning for the Future: for to say truth, there will be nothing left upon such success as he proposes to petition for; but if there be no better conduct than his, there may be a mistake in measures: our last War was occasioned from such rascally Politiques, to press both sides to extremities, and foment all differences into the bargain too, as I have been told; but I hope to see a thousand such rascally Pickthanks hanged, before any thing of that happen.
But is not my Cousin very witty, when he says it is a blessing to have neither Friend nor Money, and yet to design to be taken prisoner, as the way to both, and makes it out very prettily?
Yes faith he is; but why the pox doth he not Note: Pag. 7.pursue his own methods to Preferment, take a Gaol? for on my Conscience, he cannot crack of either; for how he should have Friends that hath abused the whole Nation I see not, neither how he should abound in Money; for Lands he has none I believe.
Then you think Tom a Gaol is the fittest place for my Cousin?
Ay truly do I.
But do you not like his brave Description of the benefits of a Prison, and the Rogueries of those that ply there to that purpose?
Truly like the rest; for from the converse of Newgate-birds, he concludes all the intrigues of the World to be managed at the same Religious Rule, and then makes his Cit. an Officer of Address, as one may call him; but he keeps his Office no where that I can find out but in your Cousin Crackbrain's Noddle.
But what think you of the discovery of a new Plot, in case the Petition had gone on; of five Petitions [Page 11] more, if the Parliament had met? one against the Lords in the Tower, another for the sitting of the Parliament, till they had gone through with what they had to do, a third for taking away Bishops Votes, a fourth for the remove of Evil Counsellors, a fifth for putting the Militia into safe hands.
Your Cousin might do well to produce the Draught of such Petitions, or at least, name some-body besides his Bumpkin that had seen some such thing, otherways he is to be taken for a Make-bate and a Lyar; and truly we have reason to acquiesce under the Government of our Gracious Prince that cannot be provoked by such sycophantly Knaves to do any thing but what becomes him: But your Cousin shews himself a good man upon all occasions, by ranging all those Petitions together, as if to Petition for the Tryal of the Lords, was equally criminal with the rest, can any thing more reflect upon the Honour of the King, Parliament, and whole Nation, than to insinuate, which must be a necessary consequence of so marshalling the Petitions, that a Petition against the Lords, impeached by Parliament for High-Treason, when a Court is in being that can only take Cognizance of their Affairs, is to be ranked amongst Misdemeanours of the highest Nature; if this do not proceed from a Design, which I think is not very Protestantish, of running the Plot into Sham, I am mistaken.
But heark you, Minstrel, does not my Cousin go on bravely, when he tells us what dangerous Note: Pag. 10.Rogues the Citizens are, and what designs they have still on foot, to distract, if not subvert the Government, by contriving new Methods of petitioning, and telling us, that those Heads will find Hands if there should be occasion? On my Conscience he is a notable man.
So he is, and a bold one too, I think, to asperse by intimation so considerable a body of Men, as the City of London, with contrivances against the Government, only to shew his wit, without the least ground imaginable as I can see: I tell you, if it was in France, as fond as he is of that Government, they would anger him, for he would without doubt be put to the question, that a discovery might be made of such grand Designs in agitation; and if it proved all a Staff of his own, as I dare swear this is, then I believe he would be broke upon the Wheel, for endeavouring to bring the King into a jealousie of his good City of Paris.
But is not my Cousin an excellent Casuist, by running his divisions upon Conscience?
Yes, in his scoffing way; but I must tell both him and you, in answer to his frequent running that expression, Of the People of the Lord into ridicule; though I am as far from believing that those pretenders are such, yet God hath a People that he will vindicate one day to the Confusion of Faces of all them that sit in the Seat of the scornful.
But has he not mauld the Predestinarians with their Doctrine of necessity?
He is too shallow for that; he hath a little droll'd upon the consequence of the Opinion: but I tell you, Capt. what I heard a Black-smith over a Pot of Ale say the other day, that every futurity, or thing to come, was certain in it self, whether it should happen or not, and that cannot be denied, Captain.
It cannot.
If so, what room then for free Agency, when it's impossible to remove a certainty: But as I heard a Divine say once, no created understanding can comprehend the difference betwixt Gods certain foresight [Page 13] and predestinating, so I leave it; and I'm sure he would not have medled with it, but that he could fix something of reproach upon the party, from the consequences of it, meeting with some bad practices of hypocritical men; but yet as generally as it is now decryed, it hath been otherways; for they that know any thing, know that most of the Bishops, and generally the Inferiour Clergy were of that Opinion, and yet very holy and pious men in their Generations, for all his scoffs that he fixes upon that opinion by inference; for none was ever yet so impudent to assert in terms what he makes his Cit to do, and truly I do believe he is of the Cit's Opinion, that a thing may be sin in one which is not in another; for lying, though Note: Pag. 13.it be a sin in most men, is not so in him, as he thinks, he otherways would not have so much used it.
How came you, Tom Piper, to be such a distinguisher? I did not expect it from you.
My Mother was a Parsons Daughter, had little to her Portion, but a few Books, and Sermon Notes of her Fathers, which I used to read at spare times to the Neighbourhood, and so became thus skilful.
Well, what think you of his clawing the Rogues off for their old Rebellion, is't not manly and brave?
It is a thing that has been said a thousand times when it was so; but now it looks like breaking the Act of Oblivion, a thing that his Majesty, to his Immortal Honour holds sacred; such a little Rat as he, methinks, should not be nibling, when the Lyon is unconcerned.
Note: Pag. 16. Cit and Bumkin drunk, and why may not we within then? two Pots, and shut the door after you. But what thinkst thou Tom, to page 26. is [Page 14] it not an excellent facetious discourse, displaying Villalany in its proper colours?
It is rather a teaching people how to be Villains; like your fashionable Plays, teach more sins than they reprove.
My Cousin cannot, I see, get your good word, but I'll make you Friends.
As how?
You'l Pipe at his Wifes next Churching, and then I'm sure the half Guinney and the Frumenty will please you.
Let it alone till then; but in the mean time I'll give a short account of my Sentiments of those ten Pages.
Let's have it then.
He begins with comparing Presbyterians and Jesuites, a thing now that is trite and thred-bare; there is a Book called Lysimachus Nicanor that has done it more to the purpose, writ near forty years agone, but yet in his rails upon the later, he speaks Ironically of the Plot (when he calls the Jesuits the Heads of it upon the King, &c.) as a man must needs conclude that reads the whole discourse, especially if that Author had any intelligence or correspondence with the Author of the Further Discovery dedicated to Dr. Titus Oates; and that flourish might have been as decently saved; besides his Pen too much resembles a Cleaver, cuts only one way, as a man may easily observe by his constant pinching upon that party for the 1641. business, a thing that none of them has the face now publickly to justifie, and his passing by the Rebellion of Ireland, accompanied with the murder of nigh a million of Protestants, without the least Reflection, though that Villany be yet justified, or at least not owned to be so by that Party, as it was at [Page 15] first abetted by the Pope; and then after all, as if he would make himself compleatly wicked, he scandalizes the Protestant Religion, which the late King of blessed Memory own'd that he fought for, as may be seen yet by his Declarations, and the Inscription upon his Coyns, stampt at the beginning of the late Rebellion; for by that is meant, as he makes his Citizen say, the Religion of the Dissenters from the Church; a distinction that the late blessed Martyr would not have thanked him for.
I perceive you are very poynant upon my Friend still; but go on.
Then he goes on with teaching a method of Villany, which he would call discovering, to inflame the Nation, and widen the Breaches betwixt the King and his People; for why else should he, amongst other things, lay such a stress upon the Kings being one of the three Estates, and make such damn'd inferences, a thing decried by all sober men, because declared otherwise in the Preambles of several Acts of Parliament? and yet the good King in a Message to the two Houses owned three Estates, when the Bishops were by Act removed, of which by consequence he must be one, but that may be look'd upon, considering the novelty of that disposition, to be a lapse in the Secretary, and so no weight to be laid upon it. I refer you to the Declaration bearing date from York, June 13. 1642. Then he falls upon the light and foolish antick Gestures of the Conventiclers, with their fond Metaphors not worth answering, because none so foolish as to adjust them; then he goes on, as if the Plot was only a Blind to enrage People, and that there was a real Design to destroy the Hierarchy, and all the Sons of the Church, by the name of the Papists in Masquerade, and get all the places of profit to themselves.
Is not that very well hinted?
What are you a hinter and a holder-forth? so it's well hinted of buzzing into the peoples Ears to dispose them to Rebellion, of the Emperour of Morocco's landing upon Salisbury-Plain 35000 light Horse-men, and a great many other Fopperies, not worth taking notice on.
To say truth, there are a great many little things in it, but there must be something to fill up, or else it would not come to account, it would not advance from the Stationer any thing considerable.
But he should have studied propriety of things, to have made 'em pass the better: Is it not, think you, a well laid thing, to make his Bumkin whom he represents, a cunning, projecting, canting Knave? to bring in a story by the Head and shoulders of Moses, and the ten Tables, and correcting himself with a thundering Oath, one that he afterward makes justifying the three Estates, and other intrigues of Politiques? it might have passed, had he laid the Scene amongst his Friends in Flanders; and then saying, that he had read in a Book that the Bishops in H. Eighth's time made the ten Commandements, and make foolish inferences from thence too: The whole thing is a lye, for no man ever yet read any such thing in a Book, but in his scurrilous Pamphlet; the nearest to it is, what Bishop Spotswood reports of the Priests in Scotland about that time, That they would have made the common people believe, the more to incense them against Patrick Hamilton, and the Gospellers of that Age, that Martin Luther and his Complices made the New Testament, or at least St. Paul's Epistles, but touch not mine annointed: I hope the ingenious Author is too wise to make reflections of that nature.
[Page 17] But I perceive you care not what reflections you make upon my friend.
Your friend is unknown to me, he should have set his name, and then it may be he had been safer, but I suppose his modesty would not permit it.
Well, is this all you have to say▪
There needs not, I think, but one word more, at last he falls foul by his Cit upon Le Strange, whom he calls Dog in a doublet or worse, but after all he ends in a panegyrick of his wsedome.
I do not like this eves-dropping, yet I hope, I have said nothing, that I need care who hears: however Tom the Pudding-pie-man, is a good honest fellow, I have wasted some pence with him.
Come Gentlemen you have been in eager discourse, but I did hear the subject matter of it very well.
I was only making some passionate observations upon a Book twice or thrice printed, called Cit and Bumkin, which he undertook wholly, and in every part to defend.
What you Captain Crackfart turn'd Advocate? must Cicero pro Milone be reacted by you with a horse pox to your Captainship? How long is it since I relieved you, and a thin starved thing yclipped your Boy, with ten peny worth of Pudding pies, when you and he had lived three days upon stewed fiddlestrings? I tell thee Tom Piper, how this fellow came by the doughty name of Captain, he was a foot Souldier in Olivers time, and upon a march stole a live Pike in an Inn, out of a Pale, and put it into his Breeches, because [Page 18] he saw his Comrade had done the like to a Barbel, but presently his manful roars made a discovery, so he was Cashiered, pretended it was for his Loyalty, and from that time dubb'd himself Captain: But as to the discourse, I tell thee Old Souldier▪ that if he, or thou, or any body that wears a head, God bless the King, should have call'd, or shall call me by the contemptible name of Cit (though I be but free of the Porters Company) I would and will, if ever it be any mans ill luck so to do, all to be pudding-pie his Calves head: What Cit?
How I am now like to be worried betwixt these two learned men? Tom Piper and Make a noise Tom the Pudding Wright: Well, well, but though you quarrel, my friend, for his names of Cit and Bumkin, yet Mr Truman speaks very heavenly by the same Authors directions: speak against that if you dare, the best of you.
Mr. Truman speaks truly of the Papists, but not all that a true Son of the Church might have said, he says in answer to the Charge, that the Papists Loyalty was in their own defence, being in a manner necessitated to that side, that it was better, if so, than fighting against the King, and further that no man drew his sword in the opposite cause, but known Separatists, and that not one Separatist struck in the Kings quarrel, he might have added, if he had though fit, that after the King was outed, not one Papist ever entred into a Plot for his Restitution, but the whole truth was not his business, whereas the Schismaticks, as he boldly enough calls some sort of men, asserted the Kings Cause in the lowest Ebb: and that so bravely both by outward force, and other less visible endeavours, that the Kings Restitution must be ascribed to them, as to the second cause, which made some amends for their former devitation, I tell thee Crackbrain, had the King had no better friends than the Papists, [Page 19] he had never seen the English shore again.
But have you read on?
Yes, and find the business about the three Estates repeated over again to no purpose, wherein the learned Author has with great reputation to himself proved the Snow white.
But what think you of his bringing in Le strange's Epistle to the History of the Plot: is not that a heeler?
Like the rest, for I have not much to say about that Gentleman, either pro or con, for they say he is a very pretty man at small matters, but those two Authors do most harmoniously agree in driving on, and fixing a worse Plot upon the Non Conformists, which they both are careful to improve, which is by their favour a setting up of the worship of false Gods, to lessen, if not to destroy the worship of the true one; so whilst they would alarm the Nation with this Chymera of a Plot to be found no where, but in their learned Brains, the true Plot will weather off, or which is worse, go on.
I think you are as hard to please as Tom Piper, I had thought you had revered Mr. Strange at another rate, than to speak so indifferently of him.
Indifferently do you call it? I wonder that I, or any other good Subject should do so, especially when it is considered who licensed Humane Reason, that Book, that deserved to be burnt by the common Hangman, as a great Lord said some bodies else did.
But did not he say then in excuse that he would license an answer to it?
It may be so, but that resolves into this, that he would license any thing for the Fees of it.
I'le tell him what you say, and then i' faith he'l [Page 20] maul you in a Ballad, with nows the time, as well as he hath done somebody else.
Pray Gentlemen not so fast, fair and softly goes far on a day.
But do you hear Make a noise Tom, how do you like Mr. Trumans description of the duty of Subjects, and Kings?
I shall tell you my mind as to that too, for I have read the Book o'r; and we Pie-men are old Dog at Politiques in this communicative age: Well, now as to that, by multitude of questions, he perplexes the Cause, for if he layed down for his position this truth, That in no Cases whatsoever it can be lawful for a Subject to arm against his Prince, there had been then no Room for a shift, but he makes his Cit ask a knavish question, What if a King will transgress all the Laws of God and man? may not the People resume their trust? The answer is in the negative, but a man might have shap'd another answer as pertinent.
As how?
When God gives over Kings to be wholly led by their sensual appetites, and to lay aside all manner of Justice, he often suffers the People to be so too, for the world is rather governed by example than Precept. There are many sad examples of that kind, as of Don Pedro the cruel of Castile stabb'd to death by his Bastard Brother. Winceslaus King of Bohemia, once imprisoned, and when he had by miracle recovered his Estate, grew so barbarously cruel to all ranks of men, that upon Citizens of Prague rose as one man against him, upon which news, being in the Castle, he fell into a fit of an Apoplexy, and died suddenly. Christiern the second of Denmark, who was deposed by his Unkle Frederick. And of later years Sultan Ibrahim the Great Turk, who [Page 21] was for his outragious lusts and other extravagancies, deposed and strangled in the Seragilo. There is a living example of that kind, Sebastian of Portugal, set aside and imprisoned by his Brother, who now injoys as the reward of his fact both his Brothers wife and Kingdom, and yet not so much as a Sword, or Pen manag'd in his behalf; by these examples, though it cannot be denied, but it is the Subjects duty to suffer patiently, and like the Theban Legion, suffer themselves to be cut in pieces, rather than to resist, as Mr. Truman well observed; yet nature in those Cases is often so strong, that there is no trusting to it.
I perceive then, that your opinion is, that it is safer for Princes to keep within due moderation, as to their administration, than to do otherwise, notwithstanding they have so much right on their sides, even as to this world; for if a Nation should lie under such unhappy circumstances, as to have the Prince and People at difference, the Divines of the Popular, as well as the other, would from Texts of Scripture, whether misapplied or no, not material, offer Pillows to both parties, as is well observed in an excellent Passage out of Denhams Sophy, Page 44.
I perceive by this your Poets are an extraordinary sort of men, for as I have been told, that was written before the late Wars, and I see by this that there will never want upon the same unlucky occasion high Boyes on both sides, but thou hast a plaguy memory to remember all this stuffe, I wonder how thou dost it, I can hardly remember the Lords Prayer.
Nature always supplies Fools and blind men with a special gift that way.
You may think there may be no harm in this Poetry, but I assure you, if my Cosin comes to know of it: he'l make you prove where you had it.
That's as easily done Captain Crackbrains, as to prove your ingenious Cosin to be a Pensioner to somebody, that he does not think fit to own.
You mean the Lords in the Tower I warrant you if you durst speak.
What if one did? you are ne'r the better, it's no Libel, neither will an Action on the Case lie for abusing Captain Crackbrains Cosin nameless: But faith, if you will Captain, we'l call for the other friendly pot▪ three double Mugs of Ale within there, now lets talk in cooler terms.
I am for peace, but yet in utrumque paratus.
Where got you all this Latine? I did not expect [Page 24] it, neither with going to Sermons, nor crying Make a noise Tom.
They are the remains of my schooling.
You are then I believe a man of Intrigue, some Jesuit in disguise, pray give me your opinion, what's the best way to grow rich; for I am of the opinion of that Author, that cried, O Cives, Cives, quaerenda pecunia primum,
Virtus post nummos.
A very learned Colloquy amongst us three Vertuosi.
If by riches you mean preferment, I'le tell you mine opinion, and illustrate it by some Examples: first I do not like the Cits way of Imprisonment in order to it, for that meets with so many difficulties, as are not easily to be o'rcome.
You tell me which is not the way, pray tell me which is, for without better directions, I'le ne'r come to my Journies end.
There is a way which has thriven well with a namesake of mine, and many others, namely to abette the Republican interest, incumber the Prerogative with Magna Charta, the Petition of Right, and Property, so that it shall be a meer empty name, but be sure you be a parlish Pratlebasket upon that Subject, then you'l be taken off, as my Namesake is, by which he hath got to be either the third, fourth, or fifth part of a great Officer of State.
I cannot find out the interest of taking Men off, that is of hiring men to personate an honest man, for to be sure upon the first occasion they'l come to themselves, act the Knaves part again, for they are so still in their hearts.
You say well, but its often the luck of those Sophisters to be served so.
But may not an unwearied writing Books, in defence of the truth, do something considerable in the case, as it is the circumstance of my Cousin?
But little; for his way of writing is look'd upon by sober men, more to gratifie his Passion upon a Party, and his itch of scribling, which is demonstrable enough by his Translations, than out of any noble end to his Prince, and so he is his own rewarder, by eating the daily dumplings it affords him.
You may run down my Cousin, in your Ale, at what rate you please here; but I say, and say again, that the Phanaticks are more dangerous Enemies than the Papists, both to the Kings Royal Person and Government.
I say, and say again, in answer to you, Captain Crackbrains, if there be one Phanatick in England, that is not Bedlam mad, that wishes any ill to the Kings Person, though I doubt many may be too sawcy upon the Administration: and on the contrary, if there be ten Papists (I'll go to Abraham's precise number) that wishes prosperity to either, but in some equivocal meaning, I'll never pipe more; and so Captain Crackbrains, because you are a man of Quality, pay the reckoning.
A match, and then I break up this famous Colloquy.
But I'll tell you a piece of news before we part: my Friend writes one of the weekly Books, and to be sure if he hear of our Discourse, he'll claw you off in his next.
Which of them, the Popish Domestick, called the true one, or the Fanatique, ycliped the Protestant?
Neither, but the Loyal one.
That's like a Chimney Sweeper, when I lived in Delamere Forrest, that cryed all white for the King; for it's a great Argument of Loyalty, to insinuate to His Majesty, that his People has some ill contrivements against him, by which he designs to put him upon his constant Guard, which can be no easie posture to any Monarch; But I suppose his Method is after the rate of Poor Robin, all the News he blesses us with, is of his own happy contrivance, in which he has an extraordinary faculty.
I protest, Tom, you are a notable Fellow, I did not expect any thing of this from you.
I have a way for it, for when I exercise my Calling to please Gentlemen, we sometimes divert our selves with drinking, and then, on course, State matters, or Religion, are the subject of Discourse, and I having a parlish memory, bring all away; for I have a double Title to it, according to the late observation.
As how?
Faith I am like the once Mayor of Ripon, Bizond in Eye-sight, and Simple of Understanding.
I'll but ask you one Question, What is the reason that a strange Woman in Scripture-language should signifie an Harlot, and a Strange Man in Statutable English, to use the Cits Metaphor, should not signifie the *A North Countrey word for Fellow. Marrow to it?
Though it do not so fully, yet it does something of that nature by implication, for no man deservedly enjoyes that Character, that can boast of [Page 27] much reputation to himself: But to what purpose this impertinent Sally? let's part, for we shall run from one thing to another, till we be by some Adam Over-doe sent to Durance. Your Servant, Captain Crackbrains.
Your Servant, Sir.
Your Servant, Gentlemen.