ACT I. SCENE Wildman's Lodgings.

NAY, prithee, Girl, retire and leave me; thou e'en cloy'st me with thy Kindness, by my Life.

Hold, Sir; your Oaths are as unseasonable as your Words unnecessary; I can as well believe you without the one, as by the Cold­ness of your Mien guess at the other. But you Sparks of the Town use us as you do your Hacks, ride us till you tire or gall, then turn us loose on the Com­mon.

And reason good, Girl; your true Punk, like your Bird of Prey, pines if consin'd; but at Liberty shifts for its self, and thrives on't.

By my Injuries, rather than thus be the slighted Subject of your nause­ous Rallery, I'll trust to Chance, and venture on my own bottom.

Th' Adventure's small, if any; for you Limberhamm'd Ladies have this of certainty with the Dice, Cast ye as we please, Cube-like, you'll be sure to fall plum on your bottoms, as you call 'em. Well, Wench, Rallery apart then; it shall go very hard, if I find not some Cully or other to top thee on: In the Interim, I must go visit old Fickle, lest he should me; which if he does first, he's eldest hand, and then ten to one but he beats me out of my little tho' last remaining Stake.

Sir, Here's Sir Fickle Cheat desires to speak with you.

Sir Fickle?

Yes, Sir.

The Parthean Golden Cordial throttle him! Didst tell him I was within?

Yes, Sir; you left no Orders to the contrary.

Pox o' my Improvidence! But shew him up.

Well, what's said in jest of the Devil, I see, is literally true of these griping Citizens, no sooner spoken of but they appear.

Nay, I'll be sworn, they never want your good Word: I wonder at you thus to abuse Men.

Men! Monsters rather. Why, I tell thee, Girl, they're such Auimals, that were Aristotle alive agen, the Impossibility of comprehending their Na­tures, would make him duck himself a second time in Fleet-ditch, as he did be­fore in Eurippus, for a far less Difficulty in my Mind, Faith.

So that I must not ask you to—

Define 'em! No. To describe 'em you may, and that too's intricate enough: For you must know there's as great a difference 'twixt heard and heard in the City, as there is in the Forest. But your common Breed are a sort of Stag-headed, Hen-hearted, Harpy-claw'd Animals.

A pretty kind of Description truly. But Sir Fickle, is he of this kind?

No, nor of any else, Faith; he's an unnatural kind of a Mongrel: For tho he be a Calf of Sixty odd, he's not so much as Velvet-headed yet: If he had, 'tis such a Rascal, he should have been fray'd, burnish'd, and full-summ'd I'faith, before this: I would have taken that Care of his Advancement. So—

Sir Fickle Cheat! The welcomest Man alive! You've spar'd me some Pains; for, as you see, I'd just made ready to wait on you, that we might adjust Af­fairs between us.

Why truly, not to lie, as a Man may say, Sir, that was my Business, and the main End of my Visit; for I should be very glad to make an end—

Of my Estate, I thank him.

For Money's so rare, and Occasions so pressing— In a word, we have have paid so much for our Religion and Liberty—

That, Thanks to our Fighting Peace-makers, or we'd been forc'd short­ly to sell both to preserve our Property.

Right, Sir; and therefore I must desire you, with all speed, to pay back my Money, your Indentures, scotcht, notcht, and in Statu quo, as a Man may say, shall be forth-coming.

Sir, you're the Winner, and so may please to jest; but my Necessities are so earnest, that I must entreat a present Supply of a Thousand Pound more, and then you may be in a fair way to see an end, as you desire.

A Thousand Pound! A Thousand Pound! And ready Money too! O Lord, O Lord! Why, 'tis more than Cathagena and the Spanish Flota can pro­duce. Besides, Sir, upon mature Consideration, I find that I have lent you more in Mortgage than the Purchase of the Inheritance is worth; you've bit me, you Wag; you have, I'faith.

Would I had, I'd have lost my Teeth 'fore I'd have left my hold, damn'd Jew.

Why, you won't thus laugh at my Necessity. 'Slife, Sir, I'm on the point of marrying a Fortune, capable both to redeem and to add to my Estate; 'tis but a little Money to squander amongst her Servants (as the Custom is, you know) and swup, I lick her up as you do a Race of Ginger fasting.

Will you so, you liquorish Whoreson, you? Would the Tongue of you were out— Why, this is one of the Devil's ordinary Capricho's, rides us on the Spur to Mischief, and flounce leaves us stuck in the Mire. What a Plot's here lost! Broke like a Roost-Egg, just when 'twas going to be hatch'd. [Page 3]Hang't, I'll try however: If it don't serve me this way, it may another: He'll think I love him, and then I'm sure to trick him.

How now? What, musing Man? Ha!—

A little, Sir; I was casting about to serve you.

Were your Will but equal to your Abilities, there would need no great musing in the matter.

O Lord, Sir, were but my Abilities equal to my Will, the matter should not so long lag A-stern— But to shew you, Sir, how much I ten­der you Welfare, I've a Crotchet just now come into my Head, might possi­bly be as advantagious to you, as what you just now was mentioning. But seeing—

Come, prithee, no Seeing in the Case, but Hearing: Come, quickly, dear Dog, open.

O never fear, Sir; he's a staunch Hound, I'll warrant him, and on a hot Scent that you know.

A little Patience, good Sir; let me but consider a while.

Pox of Consideration, that Cousin-German to Cowardise. Considera­tion, quotha! Why, what Countryman are you?

Countryman! Why, a Cockney.

A Cockney, and consider! Ha, ha, ha; come, quick, quick, mouth it Cit-like.

Why then, in three words: You know my Niece Lettice, take her and your Estate back; and besides— [spying Eugenia] But I cry mercy; for I see, as you was saying, you're already better provided.

O Lord, Madam, I beg you a thousand Pardons for hindering you of your Chap­man; but in the City, Forestallers, as a Man may say, find but little Encou­ragement. Once more a thousand Pardons, fair Lady, indeed la—

An unwilling and harmless Mistake needs none.

O Lord, Madam; O Lord, Mr. Wildman; what harm, pray now? What Mistake?

None of moment, Sir; for the Lady's too nearly related to me to be what you imagine. Her Father lately dead, left her to my Charge, with Vir­tue the chief part of her Fortune, which to preserve, as well as charm her Cares, not knowing of a Family more honourable than yours, thether I was leading her, in order to crave Admittance.

Now Girl.

Is this the worthy Knight, in whose Praise you were speaking of, Cou­sin?

Yes, Madam; he is a Knight, worthy [aside] to be Shoulder-slipt, with a Horse-pox.

Yes, and please your Dainty Face, as a Man may say, I am a Knight, and Common-Council-man of the City of London. I live in the City, where my House would be very much honour'd and sweetned, as a Man may say, with your double-refin'd Presence.

Ah, were I but of your Years, I should tell her more of my Mind: But I'm old, old—

Heart of Oak, I'll warrant thee.

Hum, hum.

In the Name of Emptiness, how like a rotten hollow Hogshead he sounds; would I had the hooping of him.

Well, Sir, your Proffer is so obliging, 'twere Incivility to refuse, and inconvenient to defer it. Please to repose your self a moment, we'll wait on you immediately.

Now, Wench, what think'st of this same Beast? Would he not serve well enough to wear the Horns? A pair of well-spread Antlers, methinks, would suit incomparably well with his Jobbernol.

Or if they won't, 'tis no great matter. Would I had him, he should have Choice enough, if that would but content him.

A very virtuous Resolution, truly.

Tell me not of Virtue; what's Virtue?

Hum; why, Faith, it has been laid aside so long by the Commonalty, that now they scarce know what to make on't: But your Politicians use it now and then, as a Stalking horse, to pop down your over-grown Court Bustards— But your well-manag'd Dissimulation—

Is a most fashionable Beast; that I grant.

And a most serviceable one too, as the World goes. Now, whoever thinks to rub through without it, will be most plaguily harrass'd before he comes to his Journey's end.

Or will speed like a City-banker, with crackt Credit, and empty Cof­fers; ha, ha. Now I hope I please you.

Ay, any thing that displeases them does so: I've such a Natural Antipathy against 'em, that it extends even to their Wives, which makes me so seldom lay in their Nests. But to the Point; (for I'm yet as far from it, as a Parson, whose Text is Obedience, and Sermon an Invective against Non­resistance) I'd have you reduce these same Speculative Notions you have of that same necessary Implement Dissimulation into Practice; for I'm mistaken if you han't shortly occasion to shew your Arts of Dissimulation, the Rascal did so eye thee.

O never fear: You will sooner find a Woman without Pride than Hy­pocrisie and Dissimulation. Why, 'tis our Sexes Talent, our Inseparable Acci­dent, our Feminine Philosophers Stone, wherewith we convert you Men into Buzzards, from Buzzards to Owls, from Owls to Cookoos, and from Cookoos to—

Hold, in the Name of Cerberus; by the Egyptian Catadupes, set but these Female Clacks a-going, and, troll, they run like the Wise Man of Gotham's Cheeses down hill.

Now by my Hopes, you're as impertinent as a French Valet de Chambre.

And by my Wishes, the Vanity of Ten truely Virtuous Women, make not the tenth part of one sole Punk's, in the way of Preferment.

Nor do they, on the other side, possess the tenth part of those Per­fections.

Prithee make that appear, and I'll retract.

You shall: Be you the Doughty Knight, I the Lady fair; muster up the whole Cargo of your Common-plac'd Courtship, if I don't out-do 'em at their own Weapon, may I lie Cross-legg'd, Toe-ty'd, and Bed-rid all the Days of my Life.

Seeing's believing. A Match, I faith. I begin.

Think not that Impudence, Divine Beauty, or rather most beauteous Divinity, which is the Effect of All-conquering Love; that Love-which scorns to be ty'd up to Time, but is no sooner born than adult.

Ha, ha, ha.

How now? What out already.

Ay, out already! What, this the Preamble for a Citizen! Why, this is Common-Garden Cant, tout peur.

Why then in City Cant have at you.

Dainty-fac'd Lady, the Flames of your Beauty have so over-healed the yearning Intrails of my Affection, that they already begin to simmer with­in my Belly, as they were in a Stew-pan, whence through the Funnel of my Throat ascend more Fumes, than from a Mash-fat through the Stoke-hole of a Brew-house. Spare then the Bellows of your Disdain, and use rather the Sprink­ler of your Condescention; for if you continue to puff thus scornfully upon me, I swear by all the Stock in my Shop, Cellar, and Ware-house, my Heart, like a Shin of Beef in a Porridge-pot, will, in the Poaching of an Egg; be hoil'd to Titters, la.

Alas, Sir, what ails you? Methinks I pity your Condition, tho' I un­derstand not your meaning.

Ah, my sweet Sugar-loaf, Words cannot express it: A Sign indeed I have would soon make you conceive.

Now do you?

Heaven knows, I wish I did.

Nor yet?

Nor yet.

Ah the Devil! She'd have him shew it her down-right.

Then thus and thus. There's but one more that I know of, and its a pair of Questions whether he can make it.

Protect my Honour! A Man kiss me.

How now! What the Devil's the matter? You'll raise the House pre­sently. Pox of your crack'd Treble. So, here's Sir Fickle come to lend you a Hand, I'll retire.

O Lord! What's the matter? What's the matter?

Bless me, Sir, I'm so frighten'd. Oh—

For a handsom come off, and I'll cross the Cudgels: I'll in­terpose, and give her a Breathing-while.

How now, Cousin; what, at the old Trade? What Whim now? 'Tis the frightfullest Creature—

Then why would you leave me alone so long?

Good.

But with what, i'th' the Name of Wonder?

Lord, Sir, methought—Hem, hem.

Igad, I'll never believe that Miracles are ceas'd, when I see a Woman in danger of being choak'd with a Lye.

The ruffling of the Wind in your Window-Curtain; that's all, on my Life.

Sure I'm the first Man that ever helpt Woman out with a Come-off.

Come, come, a Woman, and afraid of the ruffling of a Curtain.

Or of any thing else, and you were the Tom Bold that blew in at her Window. She must cry out before she's hurt.

Well, Madam, how is it now?

Somewhat better, Sir.

ACT II. SCENE I.

AND so as you was saying, you love me as— How was't? Lord, what a treacherous Memory have I?

Then I'll repeat it Myriads of times; I love Letitia more than herself she loves, than Zealots Passion, or Court Upstarts Pride, than English—

Beef.

Dutch—

Brandy, or Wildman Flattery. Ha, ha, ha.

Hey boys up go we.

Ha, ha, ha. Why, what Gallymaufry Stuff's this! I'd undertake a Journeyman Cobler courts not his Doxy half so ridiculously— Why, what Puddle-dock Pettifogger gave you Advice thus to open your Case! Or how much Money and Time have you spent in mustering up from the Refuse and Scraps of Auxiliary Penny Pam­phlets, this nauseous Hodg-podg of Banter and Bombast!— Ecud, it turns my Teeth an edge, worse than the Filing of a Saw.

Madam, tho' my Deserts merit not your Favour, yet my Civility may justly claim a Requital: Neither is my Person, if my Friends bely me not, so monstrous ugly, as to turn the Stomach of a more queasie Person than I take your Ladyship to be. Why, 'sfoot, Madam, I'm a Man.

So Madam Eugenia has partly inform'd me, or in Truth your Chat­tering would have made me somewhat dubious.

A Whore! Foolish Whore! Fire and Brimstone, she lies!

Frost and Snow but she does not; for 'tis to your self I'm beholden for this double Discovery; the most she gave me was indeed but a strong Suspicion, which you have more strongly confirm'd: But tho' a Town Spark's Cast-off be good enough for a Citizens Lady; yet her Keeper, I suppose, is too modest, after a Discovery, to intrude himself upon his Niece; which, as occasion pre­sents, I shall acquaint him with. So, leaving you to your more serious Consi­deration, [Page 10]I remain in Expectation of a Second Meeting, yours, Letitia. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Meet thee again! I'd rather meet my Great Grandmother's Ghost at Midnight in the bottom of a Cole-pit. What Wild-cats are these City Virgi­nities! I'd undertake to lick a Bears Cubb into Shape, sooner than to reclaim one of these Haggerds from their Quirks and Freeks, into a competency of So­briety and good Manners. 'Sbud, is this the Quarry the Old Gentleman sent me to truss up! 'Tis well, for all her Levity, an she been't too heavy for my Pounces. Or is not this some Trick of his to stave me off my pretended For­tune, and in the Interim to ruine what little Real yet remains. There's it; confound his Macchiavillian Curship: There's it. Hum; here he comes; the Simile holds true.

Soh, my Merchant-Venturer to the Land of Love: What Chear, Man, hah! What, art in the Road? Art making the Haven? Hey, boy!

Softly, softly, Sir; tho' you may be ready to put into Port, I'm not put out yet; for tho' the Moon be at Full, I can't guess when the Tide will serve.

Nay, Pox, an you'll not weigh Anchor, whose Fault is't?

'Twas done, Sir; and Sails hoist, and just as I was launching into the Main, I met with such a Vengeance Mackaril-gale, 'twas a Mercy I was not over-sett: Of splitting I think there was no great Danger; I was kept too far off Shore for that, Faith.

You talk Riddles, Man; prithee explain.

Why then to be short; I made my Addresses with all possible Civi­lity, she with more Coolness, nay, Rallery, received 'em: I complain'd, and she, I thank her, gave me some small Reason.

As how, Man; as how?

As thus Man, as thus; and a Wonder too I scap'd so: For my part, I expected no less than a Black and Blew Suit of Second Mourn­ing.

A Suit of Second Mourning, quotha; ha, ha, ha. Pho, Pox; you know Women at first are always shy of their Favours.

Hum; 'tis not her Shyness I complain of.

Oh, oh, I thought—

The matter's not great; a Claw or two on the Nose, as I take it, and a broken Pair of Shins.

Ha, ha, ha; a broken pair of Shins, ha, ha. Why, what a Devil— ha, ha? Have you been at Football, ha, ha, ha?

These are the Fruits of Hyperbolical Exaggeration; it creates Laughter where we intend it to promote Pity.

Grammercy Dad to be, I'm glad to see you in so good a Humour: I perceiv'd you were in a mer­ry Vein, and was willing to promote it; for, in reality, things were not quite so bad; but, Faith, 'twixt you and I, I despair of carrying the Town; my Ogling Shots almost spent, and not one of 'em has so much as reach'd the Outwarks; and the Train of Bombastick Similes and Protestations I brought with me to the Siege is too weak to make any reasonable Breach; so that if you don't reinforce, I must e'en pack up Bag and Baggage, and march off whilst [Page 11]I may, lest she should fall upon my Reer and rout it, as she has already disor­der'd the Van.

Heighty tity! What a Rise is here from breaking of Shins to taking of Towns! Ha, ha. Come, Courage, Boy; t'other Attack: If thou carry'st her not, I will for thee, grate me like a Nutmeg, ha, ha. If thou succeedest not by Storm, I'll cut off Provision, and sha't do't by Famine, Wildman, or No Man 's the Word.

Well, Sir, for once I'll venture to follow your Advice: Good Assu­rance boggles not at the first Refusal; and, Thanks to my Stars, of that I'm pretty well provided.

Send thee good Luck, Boy, or somebody'll smart for't, I feel that al­ready. Why what a Gypsie Minks is this! She has wearied me out ever since she came into her Teens; nay, even with Threats compell'd me to procure a Husband for her; and now I have don't, she flies off. What a Pox can be the Reason of it! 'Sbud, he's handsom enough, and will be rich enough too for a Gentleman. What else would she have? Unless the Devil has play'd Booty, and given her t'other Item of her concealed Fortune; which, if she e'er gets in­to her Clutches, she'll mount and shine like a Kite, with a Paper Lanthorn at the Tail on't: But I've a Trick, I think, to cheat the Devil himself; for the Devil's in the Devil, if he once imagins a Citizens Foreman should be true to his Master.

Lord, Sir, what do you mean to tarry thus mumping and maundring to your self! Why, here's my Lord Mayor's Musick come this half hour; un­less you'll give 'em Employment, they'll get so drunk, they'll be for playing on more Instruments than you imagin. Then there's the Cook smoaking like a Pasty, and swearing by his Chopping-block, unless you make haste, the Din­ner won't be worth a Fig, Sir?

Let 'em drink and swear on; I've more Care and Business than they.

Jonathan.

I see Hunger sharpens Wits as well as Appetites; the Fear of it has had the same Effect on me.

Fear of what! Your Mistress?

No, no.

Why, I know that well enough; never fear her, Sir; she loves you, in my Conscience, I believe.

Nay, prithee hear me; thou knowest how that Devil Lettice has been continually at me for a Husband—

Pho! Why I know that too: And had I not been faithful Jonathan, she had been fitted e're now. She knows how to chuse, tho' I say it as shou'd not. But—

Nay, prithee, Patience.

Quick, quick then, Sir; this same business is the damnd'st Enemy to a Hungry Stomach—

Why then thou knowest with what Care I've sought her out one; nay, with what Cost —

Ay, ay, Cost enough; 'fore I'd have ventur'd so much on e're a skittish Jades Head in the Town, I'd see her both hang'd and drown'd.

Hang'd and drown'd too! How's that?

Why her Heels on a Hedge, and her Head in a Ditch. Come budge, budge, Sir; my Gurs grumble most horribly for Ammunition: An I don't paci­fy 'em speedily, they'll be in an Uproar. Come pray, Sir, be jogging.

Then, shortly, thus: Whence her Disdain to Wildman springs I can't imagin, unless she be in Scent of her Fortune.

Ay, Pox, these Gilflirts have Noses like Northern Hounds: But if I was you, I'd Law her— She might hit on the Scent, but I'd spoil her for e'er coming up with the Game.

That, were it feasible, would help little; for when Women are once in Scent of their Fortunes or Gallants, cut off their Legs, they'll hobble afrer 'em on their Stumps. No, I've a better Method for that; I'll make her beat Coun­ter, and then I shall be pretty safe: I'll commit the Writings to thy Charge, and then I'll swear in all the Courts of Christendom, I know nothing of the matter; if that will but content her.

Ay, ay, Sir; that you may do both with Safety and Honour; for tho' down-right Perjury may cause loss of Leather and Reputation, yet a handsom Evasion was always allow'd of as a Mark of Ingenuity.

Here, take my Keys. [Gives them.] And do'st hear? Be vigilant.

Oh, Sir, as the Dragon in the Story o're the Golden Pippins. Vigi­lant! Why, I shan't sleep a Wink while I have 'em [Aside.] for Joy.

We'll remove all secretly and securely, whilst I in and make 'em pay the Pipers.

There's Rhime for Rhime; and if I don't shew you Trick for Trick, may I be thought as great an Ass as your Worship— Why, what an Antichristian Dog is this Master mine, to abuse poor Girls thus: 'Fore George I cou'd almost pity 'em my self. Nay, were I sure of a Recompence for my Honesty, I should most certainly make a Scruple of Conscience to be accessory to this same piece of Knavery. Well, I'll to Jinny, and feel her Pulse; let her sound her Mistresses Inclinations; for I've so much Sense of Honour, as not to turn Knave but upon a Vantage. —So, here they come, Fox and Pack, I'faith. O Fox, O Joler, O Damsel, O Lightfoot; A Boy, a Boy, a Boy.

Come Madam, come Nieces, Gentlemen Fidlers, I beg your Pardon. Come, let's see what Entertainment you have for this Lady. Madam Eugenia, you're Mistress of all here. Pray do the Honours of the House, it may be your [Page 13]own another Day, or to Night either; the sooner the better, say I.

And I.

Come, hang Civility: Sit down, sit down.

Take your Places, take your Places, Gentiles; show, show there. Pray Gentlemen, dispatch.

Pox of this scraping afore Dinner, it serves only to set People's Teeth an edge, and spoil their Sto­machs: Gout and Palsie light on their mangy Fingers! Would they had done.

Sweetly tweedled, I'faith. Now for a Song.

A Song! Oh my Guts.

Madam Eugenia, you, I know, are good at it.

Excuse me, Sir; our Country Breeding affords but homely Musick; besides, my Heart's too heavy to—

Ay, ay, these Maidenheads are great Burthens, Lettice. I know that by Experience. I bore mine about me for Thirty Years and upwards, and when I got quit on't, methought I was so light, so easie— Well, Madam, since you refuse us the Happiness of your Voice, I hope I may intreat that of your Company at Dinner.

There you hit the Point, Sir. The best way to lighten a poor Maidens Heart, is to fill her Belly. Go, pray Gentlemen, walk in, walk in.

Sir, we can furnish you with a very new one, so please you to hear it.

By all means. Come, tune your Trebles.

Toll, loll, loll.

Frogs and Ravens cram the croaking Windpipe of thee.

Who he! Why, the newest Song he has is the Children in the Wood, or the London Prentice, or some such like Ditty, set to the new Mo­dish Tune of Old Sir Simon the King. But if you'll compound for a Ketch, I'll sing you one of my Lord Mayor's going to Pin-maker's-Hall, to hear a Snive­ling Non-Con Separatist Divide and Subdivide into the Two and Thirty Points of the Compass.

For the Honour of the City let's hear it—

Damn'd shrewd Council this! 'Tis well it is but Modern. Now will I be pounded to Pepper, if this ben't the Exhortation of some Badger-back'd Hol­der forth, that us'd to help these ravenous Wild-cats to a Bit abroad, as the Song says, they lik'd better than their ordinary Fare at home— But enough and too much of that. Now had we a Dance, 'twould perfect the Business.

Hell take the Huntsman that—

Oh, Sir, we'll hëlp you out—

Ah.

On these occasions we bring Instruments of all sorts and sexes, fit for this or any other Employment you can desire.

Hark you, Friend, have you ever a Black-pudding, Bacon-Hock, or any such Instrument to employ my Grinders, my Belly most urgently desires it; 'tis as empty as your Fiddle-case, by Famine.

Ha, ha, ha.

Black-pudding! Why, do you take me for a Tripe-man?

Tripe-man! Why, what a pox, if you were a Gold-finder, you're good enough to make his Lordship a Crowdero. Why, what a Pox Goodman Cats­guts and Horse-hair is the matter with you, ha?

Ha, ha, ha. Prithee, Jonathan, three moments Patience, and then—

Here lies the Famish'd Object of your Inhuman Barbarity.

Three Moments.

Ha, ha, ha. Poor Jonathan! He was a very honest Fellow—

But of an insatiate Appetite. He shou'd have been one of Marriot's Bastards by his eating.

Ha, ha, ha.

Insulting Dogs, thus to triumph over a Man in Misery! But if I ben't reveng'd on you both, may I go to Bed fasting, and not so much as dream of Victuals till to morrow after Dinner.

So, so, curiously caper'd brave Boys, brave Boys all; adjourn to the Cellar or Kitchin till further occasion.

Ha! What's that? Cellar and Kitchin.

Sir, they've serv'd Dinner upon Table.

Where, where, where?

No pray, Sir; 'tis dangerous jesting with edg'd Tools.

Come then, Madam; come Mr. Wildman. Lettice, I think I need not desire you; your late Exercise, I believe, has got you your Stomach.

The End of the Second ACT.

ACT III. SCENE Continues.

NAY, nay, never hang back for the matter, but come along. What, do'st think it reasonable we two should fast, when all the rest are a feasting? If this be the Conscience of a Chambermaid—

And that the Fasting of a Foreman! Deliver us from a Conjunction! Bless me! Why, what have you got there? A Shoulder of Mutton?

Pho, pox, no; this is but a Sippit i'th' Pan to stay my Stomach, till that Covey of Cormorants within will give me leave to feed to the purpose. But now I have so relishing a Bit before me, I may ven­ture to leave this—

Stand off, Greasie-chops, and find somewhat else to stay your Sto­mach with then—

What? Then a Chop of Mutton? Why, 'tis the Staple Dish, the Cob­ler feeds as well on that as the Czar. Ah, a Hind-Quarter of Young Mutton for my Money.

Ay, ay, for your Money, and enough too. I believe your whole Estate will scarce purchase the Carcase; but if ever you have me for better for worse, such course Fare as that will never serve turn.

Sfoot, what woud'st have? A Phoenix stew'd in Nectar, Phenicoptero's Tongues, Ortolan's Brains, or any such Kickshaw. Speak but the word there, thine.

No, no; I have enough for one while, with your Chop of Mutton, as you call it.

A Chambermaid and satisfy'd! Nay, then Larks will be good cheap; but tho thou'rt so reasonable, yet I'm bound in honour to—

Stand off, I say, Pepper and Ginger, or I'll call my Master, and have you infus'd in a Hog-trough, where you may cool your Courage as you feed to the purpose.

Why, you proud Minx; do you make a Bore of me?

Why truly, your Snout and Grunting would somewhat incline me, did not your long Ears and shallow Brains convince me that you're of another Species.

Y'abusive Jade, these Brains that you call shallow; shall, if you please, produce a Masterpiece, and make thee shine in Silk and Sattin, Jinny.

O rare Jonathan!

O true Woman! Who for two or three Nonsensical Bombastick gingling Rhimes, will bestow on a grunting Swine-snouted, long-eard, shallow-brain'd Beast of a Beau, the Epithet to Ben Johnson.

Igad, an you go on at this rate, I shall rather esteem you a Down­right Wit, than a Citizen's Foreman.

T'other such word, and Empires, they are thine. Hang petty Lordships, I'm for Kingdoms vast. I say, within this Pouch lie Keys that lock more Riches up, than Craesus e're possess'd.

Gad, the Rogue's elevated; there must be somewhat in this—Pho, now you think to make a mighty Secret of what I know as well as your self: But 'tis the Trick of your Sex to whisper Proclamations.

And of yours to proclaim Secrets. Now will I be dock'd, if there ever was, is, or will be that Arcana in Nature, that you don't pretend to as full a Knowledge of, as any—

Of you, and with as much Reason in my Mind.

Why there's the Business. Now will I work a Miracle, and convince you: Prithee tell me but one thing; it belongs to your Trade; so far I'll as­sure you paravance.

Nay, if it belong to my Occupation, I can tell you twenty: What is't?

Why, the Shape and Size of Mother Eve's green Apron.

There, I must confess, you've puzled me.

Thy Ingenuity would almost make a Man suspect thy Sex. Now will I shew you a Quaking Taylor here hard by, who, without Chalk or Yard, and only by his Inward Light, shall give you the Dimensions of it with as great Ex­pedition and Exactness, as if 'twere lying on his Shop-board before him: Or as you would do your own with your nimble Fingers and Picked Elbow there.

Would I had a Glimpse on't, that I might prye into this Mystery you keep such a Fuss withall.

Confess and recant, and somewhat may be done.

Well, I do my Presumption; as for thy Secresie, 'tis Woman-Proof, I acknowledge it.

Why then here stands honest Jonathan a Grocer's Foreman, that can boast of more than the French King and his whole Cabinet Council, who are all led by the Nose by a She Bearward.

Ay, ay; but prithee unravel what it is?

A Fool in Folio; would you not?

Gad, so I should; the Jade's in the right on't. But this same High-flown Language is so pretty, it makes a Man so Heroick, so like a Player. As for Example now:

My Mistresses again! Igad I have it. Come, Faith, now I guess it; my Master has intrusted thee with somewhat.

With somewhat! Why, there are you as far out of the way again, as when you're mumbling your Prayers, and meditating of Mischief—With somewhat, quotha! With all, I say; mark that: Once more I say, with all; and 'mongst the rest, with your Mistresses Fortunes, their Father's Will and Te­stament, cum multis aliis, enough to bulge a Wheelbarrow. What say'st now, my Prester Joan, shall I make my Words good, ha—Come, shall us to Pontack's?

And fling the Sop to the Fidlers

Agreed; there, Blind Harpers, tak't among you. But t'other Bite.

Ay, twenty. Now if this be true, I'm thine as fast as Love can make me.

'Tis good striking now the Iron's hot.

A Match, I faith; there's one.

But, my dear Jonathan, thou must be honest tho'.

O ne'er fear that's my way: If the Ladies do but outbid my Master a Teaster, they shall e'en have 'em; I'll shew 'em I can be just— But here a comes with a full Paunch, and empty Pate, the only two Distinctions 'twixt an Amsterdam Burgher and a Citizen of London.

Then let's away, and remember not a Word by our Loves.

Oh, never fear; I shall find other Employment for my Tongue than tattling.

Sir, the Nobleness of your Entertainment has so far exceeded Thanks, 'twere vain to think of any other Return than that of admiring your Bounty.

Poor Rogue! I warrant her Holiday Feast in the Country was but Bacon and Bagpudding at the best.

Madam, the least of your Fa­vours is a sufficient Reward; but Thanks is more than I deserve for this and bet­ter Entertainments I have in store for you.

Sir, They are far too mean to offer to your Merits; I should think my self much indebted to Fortune, had she lent me any thing more worthy your Acceptance.

Good— Let Women alone for taking old Occasions by the topping.

Bear Witness, Gentlemen— Madam, you have that i'th bottom of your Bag would make an Emperor proud of accepting.

Then name it, Sir, once more 'tis yours.

Why 'tis your self; your Love I ask, for all—

'Lass, Sir, my Heart's too full of Grief to harbour the least Thought of Love; a grateful Acknowledgement is the little All I'm Mistress of; 'tis yours, if you think it worth the receiving.

Excellent Jade! How she drills him!

Nay, don't cry, Sugar-Candy, don't cry; trust me, you'll make me do so too. Chear up, Honey, I'll be thy Father, and Mother, and Sister, and Brother, and all thy good Friends.

Now for me

Come, Cousin, you are mine by your dead Father's Will committed to my Care; speak, Is your Heart engag'd?

Alas! 'twas free, till first I saw those Eyes.

Hum, hum.

Then thus I give you to your Wishes, so you consent.

Witness these Blushes, let them supply my Speech.

Make room, make place, by your Leave there, Gentlemen, that I may receive my Princess as I ought,

Thus, as your Prentice, I pay my Respects unto your Beauty.

Then rise, my Lord, my Master, and my Husband.

Madam, you'll kill me with Kindness, as the Song says in the new [Page 18]Opera: Ay, do if you can; why, I'm happier than the Pope in the midst of his Seraglio.

The Turk, Sir, the Turk.

The Pope, Mrs. Pert; the Pope, I say: Turk or Pope, pray where's the difference, ha?

Nay, Sir, I confess you are the better Historian, Holinshead, Stow, and Baker, were Fools to you, I believe.

Yes that they were, Mrs. Hammershine, Mrs. Puspaws; find me out e'er a Stower that ever stow'd, e'er a Baker that ever eat, or e'er a Brewer that ever had the first sup of so dainty a Firkin as this is.

I beg your Pardon; but this same Madam Kicke-te-scratch there, with her Ba­kers, and Stowers, and Hollingsheads, and the Devil and all, has put me so be­sides my self, that I for got the best of my Friends. Pray, Sir, study how I may requite you.

There's one, Sir, would over-rate the Service, if—

If what, Sir? If what? Sure I'm Master of my own. Come, Mrs. Nim­ble-toes, no shall I? shall I? This, or none. I've heard of your Pranks, you see. If I were not in good Company, I should— ay, that I should. Come, come.

Forbear, or, as I live, I'll discover all.

Sir, your Good Will I esteem as a perfect Proof of your Affection; hers by after-Services I shall endeavour to deserve, if possible.

Nay, Sir, if you're for Consideration, pray take your own time.

Come, Pruine Eyes, let's not interrupt their Loves, nor our own.

And do you hear, Mrs. Fly-at-all, 'ware worrying, or I'll musle, chain, and to Kennel with you, I will. Come, my Sugar-Plumb, my Mackaroon, come along.

Now, fair Letitia, what is't yet remains?

Only to take your Labour for your Pains.— Ha, ha, ha; what, a rhiming again? I gad, I hate that worse than your Contrivance, for that was pretty tollerably carried on for a Beginner.

What Contrivance, Sister? what was't?

Why—

All will out. Now shall I, 'spight of my Modesty, have my good Qualities laid open before my Face.

But what was't, good Sister?

Why, only to make a small Swop of—

Ah! it's a coming.

Ladies, I beg Pardon for the Abruptness of my Departure; but, Business, Madam, Business.

Nay, pray, Sir.

Nay, Good Madam.

Nay, pray, good, dear, plotting, contriving, bantring, wenching Sir, hear but your Indictment, Sentence shall immediately pass, and then you may go—

And be hang'd, so I may, faith and troth; the Halter's all I have then left to trust to: And by good Luck I've just Money enough left to buy one.

Bless me! how a Woman may be mistaken.

Mistaken Madam, what do you mean?

Why, I thought you had been a Beau?

Not I, Madam, by my Faith.

So I find by your Pocket, Three Half Pence! Why, I have heard of a Beau at a Nonplus for a Half Penny worth of Ferretting to tie up his Breech­es, till the poor Punk, at the Expence of her Garter, had recruited the Da­mage he had sustain'd in her Service, which he himself was not able to re­pair.

Come, Sister, to the Contrivance.

Why, that was so small I'd almost forgot it, 'twas only to make an Exchange of his Cousin,

for himself— As for the rest, the bloody Battery he complains of was caus'd by his own Assault; he was for forcing me with him to the World in the Moon, I think, to some Seat he has lately purchas'd there, as I take it. Was it not, Sir?

Rapture, Madam, Rapture.

I was most plaguily affraid of a full and true Discovery.

Nay, if you blame him for that, Sister, I must tell you now you're too cruel, I protest, had I a Heart to dispose of—

As I have yet, thank my Stars; it would scarce be in his Favour: So, Sir, I beg your Pardon for the abruptness of my Departure; but Business, Sir, Business.

The first Woman that ever I knew leave her Pleasure for Business.

What, Pleasure! Sir, believe me, you're ill acquainted with our Sex's Passions, they'll laugh for Sorrow as well as cry for Joy.

What Ease you can imagine I can give.

Nay better, Sir, if that her Love you prize.

Letitia!

So close! Nay, then I'm come before my cue.

For you it may, for me it never can.

Very well, Madam, or he shall be so shortly; I bring that along with me will cure all Distempers.

It must be little less, I assure you, that can excuse this unseasonable Intrusion.

O! Madam, I bring that which will attone for this or any other Crime, yet with Respect; I think I came most opportunely, for if ever Maid help'd her Mistress out at a dead Lift, 'twas my self; I gad, if I had not watch'd my Cue, you must have fell to hugging again, for the speaking part was out I'm sure.

Bless me! the Wench is mad.

I must have been, or worse, to have let you run on at this rate, when I had that in my Eye to reconcile the Difference.

Worse and worse still. What Difference? or with whom?

Why, with Mr. Trulove, as I take it: He doats on you, you doat on him, and yet you won't marry him, because— because— I've a Notion on't in my Head, but that's such a new kind of a mad Whim, that there's nei­ther Name nor Reason for't. Pray, Sir, what do you call this same What-ye-call't?

There's the Name. Ask the Women the Reason they have monopoliz'd that to Quilt Petticoats with, and 'tis Treason by the Laws of the Ladies for Men but to tread on Pea-hens Trains.

He raves! he raves! unpitying Powers! he raves!

I gad, I think ye both rave: This is the maddest Courtship I ever saw; I could almost cry my self, to see what Fools they make of one ano­ther.

Here, take this fatal, forc'd Restorative.

Ay, right; if the Operation of that don't fetch you both to your Senses 'fore to Morrow Morning we must proceed to Hellebore.

There's no Occasion for either, Madam, that I know; but one retire into the next Room, if I don't give you an Antidote 'gainst both, may I not have the licking of the Gallipot.

Surely the Disease is catching, the Girl talks like—

Like an Apothecary, who has a Most Excellent Elixir Salutis within, I assure you, Madam.

Be plain, or I shall have fresh Straw and a dark Chamber provi­ded— What is't you talk of—

Why, Lands, Lordships, Pounds by Thousands: Nay, Madam, I don't dream, nor is there any Inchantment in the Case.

Defend me! My Unkle turn'd honest!

No fear of that neither; but he's turn'd Fool, and that's as good for your Purpose. In a word, you've heard, I suppose, of an Estate left you by your Father, Sir Roger, your Unkle has: I'm sure Madam Letitia told him often enough on't.

And loud enough, that I know: But that was but Presumption, tho' violent enough, I must confess.

Then hear the Proof: Your Unkle, for what Reasons Jonathan will tell you, has committed those very Writings to his Keeping, and he has them— as fast as I have him.

Propitious Heavens! How can this be true?

Bless me! Madam, go in and see; there's Mr. Wildman capitulating with him, he stands upon some small Consideration, 'twill make the Gift more valid, as he says.

Lord! how my Heart leaps to see this happy Hour!

Your Heels you mean.

Strike up, I have no Power—

The Heavens are just, and I am proud to serve you.

For Love's sake, Madam, invent not ways to vex your self; nothing but Honour harbours in his Breast.

The End of the Third ACT.

ACT IV. SCENE IV. Moor-Fields.

OH, Mr. Trulove! you're as welcome as unexpected; I've had you once or twice in view, but I never, 'fore this, could give you the Turn.

Like enough; for I've so cunning a Sportsman to deal with, that I am fain to cross double, and use all the Subtilties I can imagine, least he should unearth me, and cast me out to the Hounds. Nay lately, when (as I after heard) it was you that was coming to assist me in capitulating with that same Rascal Jonathan, your very Tread struck me into such a Pannick Fear, that in a manner, nolens volens, I was fain to scamper and take to Covert—

In your Mistress's Apartment, I suppose.

You may; I need make no Secret on't to you. You unharbour'd a Doe, I hear, that's like to give you sufficient Sport without poaching in my Pur­lieus.

Doe, dost call her? S'bud, hadst but seen her, when instead of flying end-ways, with what Resolution she stood at bay, I gad, you'd have rather taken her for a Sangler—But I expect that shortly will make her gentle, if any thing can do it.

Fie! 'tis unmanly, I'd almost said, dishonest, to win a Lady by Com­pulsion.

Nay, prithee, none of thy nice Moralities, and Punctilio's of Honour. Pox on 'em, they have undone more Gentlemen than Drinking, Dicing, Drab­bing, and all the other expencely Pastime of the Town together— Take your own Conrse, leave me to mine, it shall be as Honourable as Safety will per­mit. S'life! see here they come; Fortune for me this once I beseech thee.

Servant, Gentlemen. Come in, come in, Damsels, here are your Knight-Errants,

So lie thee there, my Charge. Pray, Masters, remember the Porter.

Ay, ay; here, here.

Gold! by the Cap of Maintenance— Now to you Gentle­men, for I suppose you'd be the Joint-Purchasers; tho', now I think on't, I'd best expose 'em by way of Auction.

Pray, Sir, do so much as give my Master a Call, perhaps he may have a mind to some of 'em.

Come, my Jonathan, prithee no Delays, slip not the Opportunity; for the Goods, now they're once expos'd to Sale, may perhaps not serve my Master's Turn so well.

I know that, you Jade; but I've two Ends to tantalize him, Lucre and Revenge, the two Idols of your Heathenish Sex.

Well, Gentlemen, what say you to the Matter? —

What, unsight, unseen?

O, Madam, there's a whole Farrow of Pigs in the Poke, fat ones, I' faith, I'll secure you that. Well, Sirs, some few Hundreds, or so, you may spare, for I would be easie; I'm not for extorting, not I, upon Honour.

Hundreds! Nay, then thou'rt too reasonable, and I scorn to be out­done in that— S'foot! now I think on't, here's the Barbado's Fleet safely arriv'd, I'll buy the whole Cargo at a Lump, and present thee with it; Wou'dst have any thing else?

No, no, that's enough in all Conscience; for you Sparks are large Pro­misers, that I know, but bad Performers, or the Women fouly bely you: But consider on't, Gentlemen, a Thousand Pound a Man will be fair on all sides.

That I'll give thee freely, for my part, if the Sale of my wretched Annuity can raise it; here's my Hand, shalt have all farther Security I can give thee.

O Lack-a-day! Sir, you're a Man of Honour— Come, Mr. Wild-man, what say you? Will you follow your Leader, and leave the Merchants their Goods to solder up their Cracks.

Well, if it must be so, tho' I confess—

Nay, Sir, I'd have you make as cheap a Bargain as may be, especially for Goods that may stand you, possibly, but in little stead. Women, you know, are changeable.

I hope so, Madam.

What Bear-like Entertainment is this! a snap of Comfort, and a polt on the Pate.

Come, Sir, come, I'm in pain till I have discharg'd my Trust.

Nay, prithee, Patience; What, give the Gentleman leave to consider a little.

That's needless, Madam; for tho' I have felt the Severity of your Disdain, yet your Honour I never call'd in question.

Come, Tru­love's my Security, if you question my own.

I am, I am; come, prithee, dispatch.

No, no, I'll—

No, no, but you shan't; fair and softly, by your Leave, Sir. Think not that a trifling Summ, which here is one will share, has induc'd me to this: Know, Sir, 'tis the Honour of the Deed, and that I'll reserve en­tire to my self; the Honour and Danger shall be mine, and mine alone.

By your Leave, Madam, let me peep into your Stomacher.

So, here a comes.

Let's see't, let's see't.

Three moments Patience, Mr. Wildman, and then— Hey toss! what have we got here? Mynheer van dunc van dunc Vanduncart's Bond, I think— Pho pox! 'tis a Dutch Man's Bond, not worth a Butterom.

Now! now!

Three Moments Patience, Gentlemen, and then— Hum—

A Settlement upon my Man Jonathan of Twenty Pounds per Annum, after my Decease. Griping Dog! What intended he to do with the rest? Sure he has some Correspondence in Hell, that he designs to draw Bills upon.

Faith, Sir, I see 'em on the right side of the Stile, as it happens.

Nay, prithee, no more preaching; you'll tire my Patience presently.

Come Jonathan.

Coming, coming, Sir.

Oh! have I caught you?

Hum, hum, hum.

My Brother Sir Roger's Settlement upon Niece Lettice. Ha! Sir, is this it?

Ay, honest Jonathan, this, or nothing.

Here, Sir.

And give you Joy, Madam.

And there's two; for when the Man has the Fortune, the Woman's his of Course.

Here, Sir, here's your Honoria's as close as —

Come, no more Similies, but to work; let's see what else.

Else! What i'th' the Name of Balzebub would you have else? You'd make the Devil of a Farmer— Crop and Gleanings too! Why, i'th' Name of Avarice, won't a Thousand Pound

a Year, besides so neat, tight, convenient a Pleasure-House upon it, serve turn? Enough, Enough—

In all Conscience, but only Curiosity—

Nay, I must confess that's a plaguy itching Distemper. But if you want a Rasp, a Rubber, or a Scratcher,

she'll—

Ha, ha, ha.

To th' Trunk, you Dog, and cease barking, or—

Sir, I'd have you to know I am none of your barking Currs: Indeed, I do bite sometimes; I have Teeth, Sir, as shall appear when you'll give me leave to employ 'em.

Sirrah!

Nay, prithee, make an end; for I see you will be the Disturber.

Ay, ay, Sir, you see I love to distribute my Favours.

Madam Letitia! cry your Mercy— Pox on't, I thought it had been her by my Nose and Shins.

Hellhound! let me come at him.

Ha, ha, ha.

Sirrah, dispatch, or I'll be gone, and leave you to his Mercy.

Nay, then it's time to be serious.

I must dispatch before Afternoon's Luncheon-time, or he'll have the whip hand of me, and make me languish till Supper.

Ho, up, Mass. This should be a swinger by the weight and gills.

If this been't a Deed of weight, the Devil's in't. Oh—

Securities for the Thousand Pound left by my Brother Sir Roger to —

Here, take 'em among you, for I've neither Encouragement nor Patience to stay any longer. Oons, here's Money enough to redeem the City Charter— Save ye, Gentle­men; and pray remember the Civility-Money.

S bud, you blind Mill Horse, can't you see where you stumble?

Make off, Gentlemen, and Ladies, all of you; here's Sir Fickle coming this way, and in a damn'd bad Humour, I can tell you so much.

Nay, then, all Friends, come all Hands aloft.

Away, away there, here a comes, and in a plaguy Chafe I'll warrant him, or else he wears no Socks to Day, I smell that alleady.

Well, now Sir Fickle you're like to be fitted with a young, brisk, gal­lant Lady— Marry send you good Luck, for 'tis a shrewd Undertaking for one of your Years and Constitution; and let me tell you so much, Sir, there are many in better Circumstances than your self that would be plaguily affraid of sore Eyes for all their Golden Thumb Rings. Well, Look afore you leap, And what's done can't be recover'd, are Proverbial Saws as old as Aldersgate, there­fore, methinks, 'twere worth Time to consider— Hum! She's young, I

o-o-old as her Grannum: She's brisk; ay, pox! brisk enough, enough, and too much for me. Then for her Gallantry, the Girl, I percieve, is pretty well inclin'd; and, for all her Country Breeding, would make shift, in a very reasonable time, to reduce the East-India Stock into a Pedlar's Pack. Hum, methinks our two Qualities agree like Dogs-Turd and Honey; and I should be most plaguily deceiv'd, if, instead of a Lenitive for the Spleen, I should meet with a Caustick for a sore Throat. Well, I'll to Council; two Heads are better than one, as Neighbour Wrangle says, and all the City acknowledge him for the Pro-po-potatripes, I think they call him, of Learning and Sence. Well, I'll to Graves's, this is the Hour of Audience; if I can but meet with him in the Humour of talking Sence in English, he'll dispatch me in as few Words as a Lawyer his Client that comes to him in Forma Pauperis.

ACT V. Trulove and Wildman meeting.

ONce more well met, I've been getting the Writings. Oh! I see you're likewise in Possession, you have lost no more time then my self.

Not a minute. Delays in these Cases are as dangerous as Diligence necessary. Had I not been assiduous, the Rogue might have relaps'd into Villany, and been true to his Trust— But now for my Spouse to be, methinks I would soon put an end to this same Affair; for I shall ne'er think her secure till I have her in the Lash of Matrimony; besides, Faith, I long to give the poor Rogue some hearty Proof of my Affection.

Somewhat too I have resolv'd, which makes me uneasie till it be put in Execution.

How, you!— Why, you have been so long us'd to dance Atten­dance, I dare have sworn you'd have serv'd your full time, without repining, to have been made Free of the Corporation.

You're wide, Sir, you're wide.

Or rather short, I believe; for you Archers of the Honourable Con­fraternity of blind Cupid, have such damn'd long marks, that we poor Bow-men can't reach within a Score of your Butts—

Troth, like enough.

But here comes my Snow-ball rouling to way. Wou'd to Chance she'd pick me up in her Passage, I'd thaw her with a Vengence, or she should freeze me to her.

Your Servant, Gentlemen, how is't with ye since the last Surprize?

Gentlemen, sure I'm deaf, or she's dim-sighted.

As with a hungry Guest, when Dinner's on the Table, that curses the grateless Chaplain for being out of the way, Madam.

O! Sir, 'tis but a short Collation of cold Meat; and there needs not so much Ceremony for that.

I know that, if I had but the Courage to fall on; but there's such a damn'd many little Bones in the Pye, I'm affraid of being choak'd.

Therefore chew well before you swallow for good and all, Sir; Ha, ha, ha.

Chew, what, Madam? Oons! I'm none of your Camelions, to feed upon the Cud of a Wind-cholick Air.

But, by way of Pastime, you might stand a little, and bite on the Bitt—

Like a Horse, and break my Teeth like an Ass— Consolation and Preferment in abundance! Trepan my Pericranium— Madam, since you have no other Employment for me, than as a Post to fix your Jests on, I think I may, without Incivility, make bold to retire.

Bless me, Sir, why so hasty? Why, this is Volunteer-like; serve till you're on the Point of Promotion, and then quit your Post.

That, Madam, you can't blame me for, since the Fatigues I've under gone have disabled me for further Service.

Nay, then indeed I must look out for a fresh Man; yet, through Com­passion, I'll not quite cast you off, but keep you by me. Let's see,

ay, in quality of a Nut cracker: Your Teeth are sound enough yet, I see, if your Breath be but sweet.

Oons, a Nut-cracker! what do you take me for a Monkey, Madam?

What, still complain! Why, I've known many a Woman has put her Husband to a far worse Employment.

Well, Madam, since you're in the vein, pray please your Fancy en­tirely; I have done.

And I, for this Bout.

I shall prevent the next.

How, Sir, Pensive! when your Happiness is so nigh. Sure, your overfasting has spoil'd your Stomach; if so, I'll give you a Cordial shall retrieve it— Here,

sing the Song my Sister made t'other Day.

Well, Sir; this, I hope, has some Effect on you.

Medicines, Madam, are but at best cast away, where the Malady of the Patient is misapprehended.

Nay, Sir, I must confess your late Symptoms have been so strange, that I cannot but guess your Distemper to be of the most unusual.

True, Madam, in the Age we live, but I have reap'd this Benefit by my Misfortune, to find the strongest Passion too weak to withstand a generous Resolution.

Your Words, Sir, are as mysterious as ever; but here comes your Ca­thollicon: If that does not work effectually, your Condition's deplorable in­deed.

What can this mean! O my Prophetick Fears?

Hum— Why, I must confess this is somewhat surprizing. How­ever, I shall rather imitate than discommend it— Here, Madam,

receive your own, and with them all I can call mine. My Heart's disingag'd, my Affection entirely yours to bragg of; more, would be but to relapse into what you have so severely, but justly, reprov'd.

Nay, now you're serious somewhat may be done: But I fear'd Capitu­lations before Surrender; which, if they had happen'd— But no more, hope well; you know I hear you're not indifferent to me, 'tis with Joy I own it.

Come, cheer up, Sister: What, a-la-mort Woman, whining for a lost Lover, when you have wherewithal to buy a Score of Husbands! But three Days Patience, and on my Life you'll have more Suitors than you'll dispatch in three Months.

Cold Comfort, by my departing Maidenhead, Sister, if this be all; but I hope there's warmer in store.

You know, Sir, your Obligations to my Sister; I need not tell you the Occasions present, to require them, and oblige me.

Madam, I do as well as I am acquainted with his Temper. 'Tis ho­nourable to Obstinacy, but not perverse to Reason. So good a Cause can ne­ver want a happy Issue— I go with Confidence of good Success to serve you.

I hope they have heard you, look back.

Besides: Faith, to tell you neatly my Mind, these far-fatch'd Expressions, and new-fangl'd ways of Courtship, become a Stage far better than a Lady's Bed-Chamber.

Ay, ay, if I elope, bar me of my Thirds. I'm content, as to that Point, to reinverse the Law, and become Baron-Covert.

Of your Thirds! Don't so much as expect a bare Allimony.

And, Faith, I'll say so much for my self; if we're once join'd, I shall ne'er hope for a separate Maintenance— Come, agreed, agreed.

As for the rest, I bring you a plentiful Fortune; and, as Jonathan says, a tite, neat, and convenient Tenement. Use me like a Gectleman, I entirely trust in you.

Come, give me your Hand—

And Heart are yours, from this Breath to my last.

So, now the Storm's blown over, Sky's serene.

Come, no more Words, but produce.

Not yet, Faith, I hear a grumbling thereaway; and I have a plaguy Opinion the Clap will fall somewhere hereabouts— Oh, here it comes with a Vengeance. Retire Trulove.

Tell me not of safe Custody, or honest Hands; mine are the safest and honestest too for my purpose. Therefore once more produce, or—

— Oh Niece, have you consider'd? And you, Mr. Wildman? I hope your Passion's over; How is't, ha?

Well, as my Wishes, but you seem somewhat troubled.

Ay, ay, a little, not much neither. But this same Rogue, Dog, of a Jonathan would move a Saint— Your Mortgage, Sir, I'll resign you up, as soon as that— will give me leave. Swine's Snout, be gone, and fetch it; no more grunting.

Sir, I shall receive it with Thanks. One more Request I must repeat; I'm sure you have too much Good Nature to deny me.

Oh! here it is, you know my Meaning, Sir.

Oh, the Devil! she here!— Why, Sir, and you know mine; you'll find me no Changeling, tho' you design'd me for an aboriginal Cuckold, as Neighbour Wrangle calls it.

Nor me so tame a Coward to put up such Affronts both to my Cousin and my self! I'll wash 'em off in thy degenerate Blood.

Oh! spare my Love, or let us die together!

Die together! No, nor lie together: If ye do, it may be in Bride­well, or Little-ease—

Come, Sir, resolve to—

Why so quick, Sir? If I must be executed, methinks you might grant me a Reprieve. Pray, Sir, consider; were't your own Case, you'd not be so hasty.

Nay, if Time be all you ask, take it, provided it be Rea­sonable.

O, as for that matter, Sir, I only desire just as much as to—

Murder! Murder! Jacobites! Papists!

a Rape! a Rape! a Rape!

I'll cut your bellowing Bull's Throat.

laying hold on Wild. O! hold your Hand; for if he bleeds, I die.

You Lye, you jilting Whore! you Lye.

Hold, Sir! What e'er it be, it can't be brave, thus to assault a naked Man: If his Cause be Just, he shan't want one to de­fend it.

Ay, ay,

Mr. Trulove, he's a Rogue, if not a Coward; here I've given him my Niece, and his mortgag'd Estate back, and he in Recom­pence would stick me like a Pig.

Lend me your Sword! I'd as lieve you'd lend me a Halter. Sir, I'd have you to know I'm a good Christian, and will keep the King's Peace. I fight! I'll be hang'd, nay, marry as soon.

Ruin'd! undone! like a Bundle of Licorish.

Not all, Sir, by your Leave: I have my share, and perusing 'em over, I find an Account to be made, some Arrears of Inrerest, and so forth, you know; and look to't, for I shall be severe.

Accounts to you! Why, what are you?

Honoria's Husband; and consequently, as I take it, your Nephew.

Over-reach'd again!

I knew, tho' I wink'd at it, he was play­ing thereabouts; but now the sharking Dog has bit to the purpose, Hook and Bait, I' Faith, he has clear'd me of my Tackling.

Not yet; but I think I shall, 'fore I've done, come in there.

Now do your Offices.

Sir, I arrest you in an Action of Account, at the Suit of Mr. Trulove.

Oh!

And I, Sir, in the same, at the Suit of Mr. Wildman.

Mine! What means this?

Rum dun done! Broke like a Barrel of Figs! For Pity sake, hear me but a Word.

Be short, Sir, I lose time, and I've half a score of your Neighbours to arrest upon Change. Come, quick, Sir.

Why then, Gentlemen, I acknowledge my self a Villain to my Nieces, and not much better to Madam Eugenia: You have made your self, in part, Satisfaction; but a little Patience, I'll endeavour to compleat it. Here, Ho­ney, Honey; Why, Lettice? Lettice?

Pray, give 'em a Call.

Mean while I take this Lady to my Wife, if she can forget my Ingratitude, it will be some Comfort in my [...]isfortunes to say, I was once Just in my Life.

And to me to share in 'em as I have done in your Prosperity. This, Sir, I hope, will convince you that I love.

Better half a Loaf, than no Bread.

I believe it, my Cinnamon-stick, tho' my Seeing and Hearing would be so impertinent as to convince me to the contrary.

Oh, Sir, in matters of Faith and Love, we ought never to trust too much to the Senses. Curiosity and Jealousie are good for nothing but to pro­mote Herisie and Cuckoldom.

Then, Sir, let the Simplicity of my Belief shew the vehemency of my Affection. Come, my All-spice, come.

If she ben't as chaste as her Neighbours, she must feed upon Cantharides, and spend her Pin­money in Chocolate.

And my Liberality be the mark of my Affection: In Consideration of your Complaisance, and of Eugenia's Fortune, I freely forgive what Accompts may be between us; you shall have a Release upon Demand, so my Leti­tia consent.

With Pleasure, Sir; and not only that, but I'll join with my Sister to mollifie Trulove.

Your Entreaties, Ladies, would be needless; his Consent is all I shall desire in Requital.

Sir, you have it as freely as I can give it.

And there's Four: What bloody Doings will there be to Night!

So this is pretty well, if it were not for those Rogues the Bayliffs, that will blaze all about.

Who I, Sir?

Yes, you, Sir.

Not I, Sir.

Nor I, Sir.

You lie, Sir.

Nor I, Sir; by the Skie, Sir; let me die, Sir, if I lie, Sir: Why, Sir, I am no Mag-pye, Sir.

Jonathan and Lurcher!

The same; I fearing Mr. Wildman would have been in earnest, took this Course, both to surprize you agreeably, and prevent further mischief.

Nay, I must confess your Fate would have been somewhat severe, had you not been reasonable— But I'm glad all's ended so fairly. As for them, a small Spell will stop their Mouths, I don't doubt: Or at worst, 'tis no stran­ger a thing for a Citizen to be a Cheat than a Cuckold.

Gibing!

Ay, ay, Sir, Forgiveness and the Twenty Pound a Year, is all I ask; you shall find me hereafter so faithful to deserve it— But as for this slip, I protest, Sir, what with Over care and Over-fasting, Idea's of Stocks, Pillories, Whipping-posts, and Qualms of Conscience, I was so tormented in the Spirit, that it run me almost mad. Blanch me like an Almond, Sir, if I remember any thing of the matter, but the Twenty Pound a Year aforesaid.

And the Civility-Money, Jonathan.

Sir, I have been told since, that I rav'd mightily of the Barbadoes Fleet, and Bird in Hand.

Ha, ha, ha.

Well, Friends of all sides, I have yet Ten Thousand Pound left me, out of which I'll allow you as I had determin'd, and put thee in present Posses­sion. Hang Dirt, I was almost choak'd with it, and now I'm eas'd, methinks I'm as brisk as—

Bottle-All, all Froth and Settlings.

We shall see that presently; I'll put your Agility to the Test for once. Strike up there.

Nay, pray Gentlemen, not so hasty, I want a Companion: I'll out and lure her, she'll come to Fist in a trice, and there will be no sport till I come, as the Man said when he was going to be hang'd.

That's but reasonable, th' hast been so instrumental in the last Comedy, 'twere Ingratitude to leave thee out, now its come to a Conclusion.

And prithee do you in and hasten Supper: I ne'er cou'd work well on an empty Stomach.

Mean time, if you please, I'll entertain you with a Song I lately com­pos'd, which is both instructive, and suitable to this present occasion. Here

here, sing this.

By all means come; one Hawk, two Hums, and start fair.