ACT I. The First Scene is a Piazza, with Walks of Trees, and Houses round about it.

WEEP not, Maria, thy Tears afflict me more than all the rest of our Misfortunes can.

Dear Lucia! Don not Sigh, since 'twas not by our Crimes, but our Dead Fathers Pro­digality, that we are now reduc'd to this low Condition.

I mourn not for my Self, but for our Family, bred up to all the Pleasures of a great Estate; but knew not of his Debts, till, at his Death all that he had was Seized on; Why were we waked out of that Charming Dream?

And you, our dearest Brothers, reduced to wait upon Two Lords, to whom you were by Birth to be Companions.

Alass, we are not only ty'd to wait upon their Persons, but their Humours too, A Servitude which nothing could Engage us in, but to Support you and your Sisters: But that end makes all ways pleasant which leads to it.

Prethee forbear, our fortunes are so sad, that rather than lament we should study how to mend them, though Oviedo and Pyrracco have their Defects, yet they are liberal Masters, and by their Mony, we have furnish'd for your Use, that fine Appartment you are now to lodge in, by which we have been able to lay a Design, so likely to suc­ceed, that the Joy it gives me, has suppressed my Grief.

We do but wear the Names of Servants, and thereby Com­mand their Purses; as we hope you Two shall soon their Hearts; your Births, your Educations, and your Beauties, joined with our Contri­vances, must restore our withered Fortunes; Francisco, our Youngest Brother, who was bred up under a great Astrologer, we have hir'd a House for, and have already made him famous for Telling Fortunes, nay for Negromancy; his Conjuring Name you must remember is Alcanzar.

You two must cry him up to all the Ladies, and the Gallants, you converse with. Our Youngest Sister Iulia, we have plac'd with Leonora, the Rich Widow, Mother to the Great Heiresses, Antonia and Pastrana.

These are the Foundations on which we mean to build, you both must live after the manner which we shall direct. But you must hastily retire, for I see Oviedo and Pirracco, with their Two Uncles Sa­lazar and Fernando, coming.

Antonia and Pastrana are the most Eminent for Wealth and Beauty; my Brother, your deceased Father, made it the Business of his Life to Wed you there.

And had, before his Death, so far advanced it, as now it rests on you to perfect what his Care so well began.

Uncles, the Old are unfit to chuse Wives for the Young.

Men should look with Eyes, and not with Spectacles in Af­fairs of Love.

Nor would I Wed the Empress of the World, though she were the greatest Beauty of it, in that dull Method of our grave Fore-Fathers; 'Sfoot, they marry'd as they purchased Lands, agreed upon the Bargain, then entred and took Possession.

They Wedded Wealth to Wealth, when the chief Benefit of Riches is, to make Election of what most we like.

And if what most you like have Riches too, I hope that makes it not the Worse.

To me it does exceedingly; it gives a Wife too great a Mo­tive to be proud, when she can upbraid her Husband, that 'twas she (forsooth,) increased his Fortune, whereas Marrying for Beauty on­ly pleases me, obliges her, and keeps her humble too.

These are new Maxims Nephew.

And therefore I like them the better; I have seen fo much Mischief happen by following the Old, that I am resolved to try some fresh Experiments.

'Twould be an Injustice to all Humane Kind, if still the Rich should only Wed the Rich, the World would then consist only of U­surers and Beggars: But if Rich Men marry the poor and handsom Wo­men, and the Rich Women the Poor and handsom Men, the Gifts of Nature, and of Fortune, will be equally distributed; Delight and Wealth so shar'd will restore to both the Sexes that Happiness, which the Old formal Ways of acting have so long deprived them of.

Young and handsom is Portion enough to him that needs not any.

Notwithstanding these fine Axioms, pray visit them, or at least shew us better Reasons why you will not.

Why 'tis Reason enough, that thus you press us to it, I hate Constraint in any thing, and in Love above all things.

Yes, yes, pretty well, but now Guzman, you have discharg'd let me march up and give Fire too.

Pray, Uncles! press us no more! our Father rul'd us whilst, he was alive, and we'll rule our Selves now he is Dead.

Why, this is as bad to us as if he were still living.

Farewell! we pity you

And we our Selves whilst you are with us; But now they are gone; Tell me my Piracco, why you will not Court Antonia.

I will, so you will tell me, Why you will not Court Pastrana.

Because, I doubt, should I make her an Address, none would dare to be my Rival; 'tis known I love a Duel more than I love a Mis­tress, and delight to make my Conquest over Men, my ways to be Vic­torious over Woman—Now your Reason.—

I will never marry till I can get a Wife by some Stratagem; She, that I can take when She is at her own dispose, will never attempt to break from one, who, she has experimented▪ has the Master-Wit. And should I now Win Antonia, our Solemn Uncles would brag they and my Father got her for me: I Scorn to build on others Mens Foun­dations. But, Did you ever see Pastrana?

No more than you have seen Antonia.

These Resolves are pretty; he that has no Brains will get a Wife by a Stratagem; and that has no Heart will get his Wife by a Duel.

I doubt they resolve to live Batchelors.

'Tis under that Balcony, you must Play and Sing.

Are you sure it is Antonia and Pastrana's Window?

Are you sure your Name's Guzman, and mine Francisco?

Why, What's the matter?

Do you not see some muffl'd there?

Pish! those are Gallants who in­tend to give a Serenade to some Ladies, but yet I may Mistake, and they may have some design on us.

However, I love to have my Sword in a readiness; when this is in my hand, let others fear, for I cannot.

Prithee let's be gone, I like not Duels in the Dark.

What afraid, Pirracco?

No, no, only in all things I love Circumspection.

I hope I rehearsed the Distick right; and by Musaeus I'me sure spoke it Heroically.

Ladies, the Fame of your Triumphant Beauties has made us take this way to

satisfie our Curiosities in seeing them.

Is your Friend a Carthusian, or else a Stranger that does not under­stand

our Language, and therefore chuses you to speak for both.

No Ladies, I hope ere long to convince you, that I have not forsworn Flesh, but am studying for the fittest Words to tell you, that I make a Present of my Heart to you.

To which of us?

Say, To her in the Sky-Colour.

I thank you; as if I could not tell better than you which pleases me; I say, I love her in the Pink best.

Why, she is my Mistress.

That's pleasant: Since when? Since when? Nay, no studying.

Since I saw her first.

And she is mine just as long a Time: There is not one Mo­ments difference, between the Births of our two Loves, by Gemini, I think they are Twins.

But mines the Elder, and if you will dispute it, the best Sword shall try the Title.

Nay, Sir, if you be so hot, know I wear an Iron Toy as well as you.

I'll try if you can use it as well as I can mine.

What? draw before a Woman, you shew your Breeding; but if you will be drawing, let it be Lots rather than Swords to de­termin whose she shall be.

I scorn to rely on Fortune, when true valour ought to decide it.

You are too hasty, Capt. Hector, since fortune is as blind as Love, she seems to me the fittest Judge in our Cause; nor will I fight for her, till from her Self I know she is for me.

The way to make her for thee, is in her Sight bravely to kill me.

And then bravely to be hanged for't, if I were as poor as thou art, I would not care to suffer Death for any thing, much less for a Mistress, as thou would'st order this Intrigue, I must either miss my Love, or not miss the Gallows.

Will you not fight then?

Not yet, and for to speak the Truth, I like 'em both so well, that which of them declares for me, I shall love her the best: yet, were I to choose, little Pink-Colour for my Pallat.

Are you yet agreed to which of us you make a Present of your Heart.

E'en to which of you will first accept it; for your Beauties are equally so great, that I know not to which of you to give it. But either of you that have most mind to it may take it, 'tis at both your Services I assure you.

They are Charming Fair.

Go both of you and learn their Names and Qualities.

Now for a Stratagem, my Pirracco, to get the Pink-Colour Beauty from those two Rivals.

Here you may meet with what you most desire, Beauty and Rivals, why do you lose time to make your Conquest over Men, the way to be victorious over Women.

Pause a little I mean to dog these Gallants to their Lodgings, to Night, that I may see them in the Field to morrow.

We have had as much dispute, who should accept your Heart, as you have had to which of us you will give it.

Ah! through my Eyes, Madam, you have Stoln away my Heart,

I doubt your Courage, Sir, is small, since your Heart can be drawn through so Strait a Passage.

Do not believe, because my Passions great, my Courage is but small. Loves does often admirable things. Your Beauties, I confess, are vast, yet, since they find a Passage through my Eyes into my Heart, why may not my Heart as well find a Passage through my Eyes to you: Madam, you may as well condemn your own Charms, as doubt my Valour on the Score you do

By this Light a Poet, Sister.

He a Poet, alas, good Man! this is only what he has been taught by Rote.

Hold thy Peace, Envy: I say this is a Spanker Madrigal, and newly minted in my Brain.

And, I say, Sir Poet Fop, If you can make an Extempore Son­net, chuse which of us you like the best, and she shall be your Mistress.

A Match by Homer. Dear Francisco, thou art a Wit, help me at this Dead lift, and, by our Mistress's Virginity, Ile do the as good a Turn.

Thou that hast so strong a fancy, as to Imagine I will help thee to get my Mistress, hast the best Ingredient of a Poet; but, what the Devil set the thus a Madrigalling?

Why, thou know'st I have still had a Twittering to be a Cot­tager of Parnassus, besides, I love the Muses, because they are Wenches, and therefore I never have an Amorous Fit, but at the same time I have a Poetical One.

Then thou art in Love, or need'st not my Assistance; but in this Case I will afford the none.

Come, Fumbler, are you ready.

Hang your Assistance, I scorn to be beholding to it. If Madam, my muse cannot walk on her Feet, Ee'n let her Lady-ship fall.

Is this the Stanza you promise us? It runs as dull as any Prose.

'Slid, she takes what I last spoke to thee for Verses, I see she's not a Wit: And therefore dost not thou think I may pass any thing up­on her for a Madrigal.

Try, try, Any thing that Rhimes may Serve.

Why, there's it; by Cupid, when I would not make Sonnets my fancy will coyn nothing else; and now, that I would make but one, and when my Mistress for that one does look, I'm duller than a Lover, that's for­sook. Why, here's Witch craft again, Rhime and Verses when I need it not. [Page 6]

I am Ovid when I speak to thee, but de Tristibus when I am to speak to her.

Turn thy Face towards her e'er the Poetical Rapture's spent, and imagin thou speak'st to me; for if thou hast not a stronger Fancy, thou should'st despair of being a Poet.

I'll try: Now, Lady, listen to my Extempore Stanza.

We have so long expected it, that we have reason to believe 'tis premeditated.

By Virgil, the Fit is spent, there's no

more Hypocrinian Moisture in my Brain than in the Palm of a Witch's Hand. Rather

By Lucan's Farsalia I am fascinated, and by thee; I can no sooner turn to thee, but I spit Verses faster than a flux'd Wencher does his Rhume,

Again, by Hellicon, 'tis admirable, 'tis prodigious, 'tis amazing; Hast thou not given me some Spell? Or, Is my Muse the Needle, and thou the North, that I must still turn towards thee? Prithee, Francisco, do thou stand under the Balcony, and look this way, and then, if I do not make a Stanza, I'll take my leave of Poetry and Love.

I'll humour thee, for once, though it be against the Interest of my Love.

Well, Sir, I find you are not an Extempore Poet, or you have wirh Premeditation resolved to refuse us.

He a poet! I tell you, Sister, he has an arrant Prose-Look, a Face which seems to be the Antipodes to Wit; I had rather abjure the Love of all Men, than have that maukish Mien haunt me with his: Why, he'll as soon make a handsom Man as a handsom Stanza; one is now as much an Impossi­bility in Nature, as the other is in his Art.

Marry come up, Goody Penthisilea, you hector it with your Tongue, because you can't do it with your Eyes; and would have me to quarrel with your Usage, when my Quarrel is to your Face, you did well to prevent me, else I had cried Whore first: There's an Elegy for your Epigram; and having thus conquer'd you in Prose, have at you now in Verse.

I'm sure I have pleas'd them now, for I have made them laugh.

Yes, but 'twas at thee.

How! Dares any laugh at me.

Yes; any that dares hear thy Verses.

Why, Thou did'st hear them.

And therefore I could not hold laughing at them.

Here's that shall make thee cry.

Here's that shall secure me from it.

Though I like your Verses ill, yet perhaps I shall like your Fighting worse, and therefore I'll not see it.

Nay, if you will Duel it, you shall do it without the Seconds.

If you will combat, draw your Sword in a good Cause, you can­not have a worse than this; yet, if you will be doing, come on, you shall not want Employment.

There's no other way but this to fright him.

Stay! I will consult my Honour.

Away, the Beauties are withdrawn, and I see Men with naked Swords coming towards us; the best Stratagem in this Case is a safe Re­treat.

Stay, Pirracco, the Number's equal; but now he's gone, it is not so. Not Hercules against two.

'Sdeath! What horrid Thrusts

that Villain makes, he sees his Odds, and I am so sensible of it, that I'll stay no longer; yet I'll go off bravely Fighting.

Who is that which makes such hast away?

Some that I frighted with the deadly Thrusts I made. You see, Francisco, I can Fence, and give the Mortal Touch.

'Tis safer for you to Fence against the Air than against me.

Well! I have consider'd, and am resolved: It misbecomes a Man of my Estate and Education to fight by Owl-Light, and in the Streets; we'll defer our Duel to another time; besides, she before and for whom I would fight has withdrawn her self; let us put up.

Content: But do you think the Lady in the Blue will ever put up the Words you gave her.

By Eribus, that's pretty, did she not first begin with me?

Yes; but you should have consider'd her Sex.

And she should have consider'd mine; for I'm sure 'tis fitter for a Woman to bear ill Language than for a Man to do it. I am so tender in point of Honour, that if mine were offended, though by a Child of four Years old, yet I would resent it to the last degree; besides, the Feminine Sex is so paultry a Sex, as I have no reverence for any one of it, that I am not first in Love with: But prithee help me, 'tis my Custom when I draw my Sword to fling away the Scabbard, and now I cannot find it.

Was there ever such a vapouring Coward?

Oviedo and I left the place only

because they did out-number us.

How many were there of 'em, Sir?

Just three, that made me call but to you two, for I scorn Odds, now if they three continue here, our Numbers being alike, we'll make 'em sport; I could not sleep with any seeming Stain upon my Reputation.

I see them, and I think there are but Two.

There are no more of them now; I wonder where a Duce the Third is fled: Well, since there are but Two, only you Two shall fall on them; I hate to take Advantages, no, not by Countenancing my Revenge; if you both return with their two Swords, as proof of Victory, bring 'em ro me, and I'll largely Reward your Valour and Success. But be sure Oviedo knows nothing of this whole Affair.

Upon my Life there were but Two at first; his Fear made him plot what he says his Honour makes him do.

No matter, since we must be his Bravoes, let us first make his Ene­mies pay for it, and then himself. Ho! What are you? And, What is it you are doing there.

What a quarrelsom Voice that Rogue has?

Are you Mutes?

I'm searching for my Scabbard, I wish you'd help me to find it; I lost it even now in a Rencounter I had with the fierce Young Guzman.

Your Sword then is the readier to fight with me.

Franeisco, do thou answer him; for I'm so ticklish in Point of Honour, as I shall make a Quarrel of it.

Who are you that thus unprovok'd come to offend us; if you come to Fight, hold up but your little Finger, and you shall need no other Pro­vocation.

'Tis the Poverty of the Rogue makes him thus Valiant; he has nothing but a Life to lose, which every day costs him so much trouble to maintain, that 'tis more easie to be rid of it.

Sure that's Francisco's Voice.

If 'tis not his, 'tis very like it, Francisco.

Alvares.

Yes.

Speak softly: Who's there besides?

'Tis our Brother Guivarro.

What makes you here, Francisco?

You shall know another time.

Who is that with you?

The Rich Guzman, who maintains me better than all my Astrology can.

O! if it be he, a little Oratory will persuade him to give us up his Sword, we must have yours too, it shall bring us Gold.

My Sword!

Inquire not, Why we must have it? for the good of the Family.

Well, what must be, must be; but yet I'll seem as if I fought, and call him to my help, which is the most Compendious Course to make him run; a Bustle will make him think I fought bravely, which shall add to our common Stock no small Sum.

I'll stop his Flight, for he has already put on a Running Look.

By Alexander the Magnificent they mean to make a set Business of it; and I think this long Parley is but to measure their Swords, which, while they are doing, I'll measure how many of my largest Strides it is from hence to the next Sanctuary.

I know 'tis me you seek.

Upon my Honour I do not, Sir.

What! leave your Friend engag'd, and in your Quarrel; consider, Sir, your Reputation.

How he mouths that Word; 'tis his own Quarrel upon my Credit, Sir, as he began it, let him end it too for me.

Help, Friend, I am down.

Unhand my Friend, or thou art dead.

No, my Fighting Friend, we will get no Honour here; you shall have it all to your own self, I will not rob you of any part of it; I see you are strong enough for both, and do not need my help.

Stand still, or I'll shoot thee dead.

'Slid, 'tis a Blunderbuss; Well,

Sir, I stand as still as a Man can do, that has a Gun levell'd at his Heart.

Son of a Batchelor, do not I see ever, Limb of thee stir?

My Circumference perhaps may trepidate; but as I am a Cava­lier, I am not mov'd one hairs breadth from the Center I stood in, when you first condemn'd me to it.

I doubt thou art a Coward.

Had I your Archebuse, a Croche, and you but my simple Sword, perhaps I should put you into as bad a fit of the Palsey as you have now surpriz'd me into.

Il'e try thee; here, give me thy Sword; and I'll give thee my Gun; if I tremble when thou dost level it at me, then call me Coward too.

Content.—Courage Francisco, I am

coming to thy help with my Artillery.

Present at me now Don Quixot.

By Vulcan tis my own Scabbard; had I known this had bin your only Fire-Arms, I would have made you as active as you have made me fix'd: By Medusa's head I am cheated.

Nay, rather than you shall complain, we'll Exchange again; I de­sire but the Scabbard at any time to get thy Sword from thee—here.

No Sir, Give a thing and take a thing, I scorn it: Besides, as things now are handl'd, I am out of a possibility of committing a Murther on you, and I hope this Charm—

will restrain you from acting one on me.

Well Sir, to shew you I am liberal too, I present you with any Lea­ther—Blunderbuss; tis a Modern Invention may be worth all the Mony now in your Purse, and Exchange you know is no Robbery.

Shall I not have my Toledo too?

No Sir, I have most need of it; you have now nothing worth defending: I've your late Purse to guard. Your Servant Sir, away Friend.

A Scabbard and no Purse! Things are discreetly match'd: By Ptolomy, this has been a damnable Intrigue.

O Guzman! Hadst thou but play'd the Man when I had flung down and disarm'd my Antagonist, we had gotten Immortal Fame; but now thou art lost in Infamy: Thy Sword taken from thee, by him who had only the Scabbard to do it with!

Fie on all Inchanters, say I: I tell thee Francisco, when t'was in his hand t'was a Fuseè, I saw it Cock'd, the Muzzel was bigger than any Blunderbuss which made me mention to thee Assistance and Artillery; but assoon as it came into my hand it was Metamorphos'd into that Rascally Scabbard of mine: I tell thee all this Night's Adventures have been Magical; Those whom thou tookest but for two Men, and seem'd to me no more after the day was lost by us, appear'd to me to be the Cavalry of the great Mogul.

Did not thy Fear multiply them?

Fear! Why I tell thee an Alexander might fear to Fight against such an Army as those were, had they been but Men; but being all Goblins, as I'll be sworn they were; by Proserpin 'tis happy we came off as we did.

I confess I begin to believe there was some of the black Art in our Disaster; and I more than doubt the fam'd Alcanzar has had a hand in it.

Who is this Alcanzar?

The Miracle of this Age: He can tell things to come more per­fectly than old Records declare what's past: He can Inchant, give Charms to make men Invulnerable, Filters to Ingender Love: In a word, what er'e he will, he does.

Dost thou know him?

Know him? yes I was bred under him.

By Pluto then he gave thee a Charm this Night, that thou hast scap'd unwounded: Fie on thee, 'twas that made thee so devilish Valiant: But since he will sell Safety, I am Rich enough and Wise enough to buy it: Prethee hire his Art for me, 'Ile pay him liberally.

Come, let's return to your House; and there we'l lay some Plot to Act Revenge and to recover Honour. Cheer up.

ACT II. The Scene with the Chimny in it.

I Came just now from Alcanzar, and as an Earnest of your future Liberality, assur'd him of 500 Crowns

before Dinner, and at Two in the Afternoon you must at­tend him alone; for he will admit of no Witnesses, lest the

prodigious Effects of his Art, might by the Ignorant, pass for Magick, and he by two Testimonies be condemn'd by the Inquisition.

Five hundred Crowns as Earnest! I thought I might have bought for half that Sum a Thousand Filters and as many Charms; and yet thou callest it but an Earnest of a Future Liberality.

Nay, if you think the Price too dear, I can yet break off the Bar­gain: But then look to your self, for all, which by his Art you might cast upon your Enemies, they will involve you in; and then in point of Love you will be rendred so impotent and ridiculous, that Death will be a Hap­piness, compared to that dismal Life which you must be condemn'd to live.

Well, I'll consider—

'Tis a mighty Price: Had not I better sit down with things as they are, than be at so Immense a Charge? Five hundred Crowns is pleasanter to me than either Revenge or Love.

Nay, Gentlemen! you shall not force into his House, or if you will, through me you must make

your Passage; Guzman is a Man of Honour, and at his return I'll engage shall receive their Lordships Challenges; one after the other I mean.

Two without fay—

Well Sir, we'll take your Word, and will be with you in the Evening.

What's the matter, Francisco? New In­chantments?

No, no, these are sad and real Truths: I told you the Affront you cast upon the Lady in the Blew would be resented by some of her Friends or Gallants; and these that would have come in to you now with a Challenge, were a couple of Gentlemen, who say they come from Oviedo and Piracco; unknown the one unto the other, and meeting here by Accident, found each of them brought a Challenge from his Friend to you.

To me? how could they learn 'twas I that affronted the Sky-Colour?

Can you ask that question, and know that the fam'd Alcanzar lives in the next Street? I wish whilst you are cheapning the Bargain, that they do not clap it up. If a couple of certain Duels, and perhaps a hundred more to follow (for only Fate knows where so brisk a begin­ning will meet an End) be not worth Five hundred Crowns to get off with Honour and Victory, let your Parsimony and your Wisdom con­sider; but I have decreed to abjure your Company, for nothing less than Charms can secure you or any one that keeps it.

Who, a duce, are those two Fellows, Oviedo and Piracco?

'Tis a sign you are not of the fighting Crew of the Town, that ask who they are. Why, they are Men that can hardly Sleep without a Murther: They have spent half their Estates only in the many Pardons their Valour has forc'd them to take out. In one Word, you had better have a Quarrel with all Salamanca than with them, and you must fight with them both by Six a Clock, or they'll have kill'd you before Seven.

But there are Laws to restrain them.

Laws! They no more value Laws than they do their own Souls; one of them sent a Cartel to a Judge upon a Bench, for not salu­ting him as he past by, by accident. Others fear the Laws, but they make the Laws fear them. But having warn'd you of your Danger, fare you well.

Nay stay, Francisco; though Mony be precious, Honour and Life is more: But how shall I be sure his Charms will hold? for if I should think my self Invulnerable, and thereby be engag'd to fight, and then should be betray'd, what would become of Guzman?

Fear not, you shall try the Charms in his Closet, before you prove them in the Field. But while we are thus talking, I know not if there will be time enough left for him to prepare for you such efficacious Spells; and if by Six you are not ready, take what will follow the next Hour. Here's your Ticket to him: Now go fetch your Crowns, that I may with them, smooth your Way to him.

Well, Honour cannot be too dearly bought by Men of Reputa­tion; when I am Charm'd I'll make those two. Hectors pay for my pur­chase.

But stay, I will not betray you, your Charms shall not work up­on her in the Pink; her I reserve for my own self.

How Slave! must I give vast Sums and fight Duels, to let others share in my Amours?

Nay Sir, if you are at this lock, before you are Charm'd we'll de­cide the Quarrel: 'Twill be too late for me to do it afterwards.

Well, since I'm sure to have such variety, 'twere ingrateful to de­ny thee one.

This is generous, and now I'll work for you without fear.

And I'll go boldly and bring down my Five hundred Crowns; Meet me at the Great-Gate.

How does it take?

Even to our wish: This day at Two a Clock I am to Charm him, and at Five each of you must present your Challenge apart: But I can stay no longer, I am going to receive my first five hundred Crowns, and to put my self in my Astrological Cloaths and Closet.

Francisco, Francisco!

I come, I come; away, away.

Piracco, Good Morrow, I hope you have not slept to Night.

Why not slept to Night?

I think your Heart is low, if after leaving me ingag'd as you did, you could take any rest till your Honour were restor'd; You made a very quick retreat Sir.

Me thought Yours was not very slow; I watch'd you.

'Slight, 'twas time to make a Retreat when you fled from me, and a dozen Bravoes fell on me.

A dozen Bravoes?

Bravoes did I say? I meant Furies, they laid about them so; especially one that made Alongès above thirty Foot; I Parried fifty times, and if ever I dealt like a Cavalier of Honour, 'twas in that Occasion.

Bless me! were you not hurt?

Some Scratches I had, Marks rather of Honour than of Danger; which with my Sympathetick Powder I have cur'd this Night: But I have sent a File of them into the Elizian Shades, and had I not been affraid of drawing more Blood upon my Soul, I would have dispatched the rest: Fear of doing, not receiving hurt, made me retire.

Well, though one of your Antagonists made an Alongè of Thirty Foot with his Sword; yet you have made a longer with your Tongue; for there were but two in all, and I have disarm'd them by a Stratagem; look, here are both their Swords: Shew me such Trophies of your Valour, as I have shew'd you my Policy.

Two Swords? by my left Mustachio, these two Swords belong unto some of those Six that I sent Post to Charon. These are but the Glean­ings of my Valour's Harvest.

And by my right Mustachio, these are all the Swords were in your dozen Furies hands, which by my Contrivance I forc'd from them; talk what you please, this is the naked Truth.

Nature is yet the strongest, but if thou provokest me farther, the Tie of Blood shall soon be Sacrific'd to the Resentments of my Honour.

No more, I say: But does your Inteligence jump with mine?

As to what?

Why, that the two Beauties we saw last Night, are Pastrana and Antonia, whom before we slighted.

For certain.

It has rais'd in me a greater Conflict than that I had last Night with the two half dozen of Bravoes; for should we make Addresses there, the Grave Solomons, our Uncles, would so domineer over us, that we had better be Slaves at Tituan, than endure their Tyranny; and if I make not my Addresses there, I must decline both what my Honour and my Inclination leads me to, for there I meet with Charming Beauties, and with certainty of fighting Rivals: Two things my very Soul is tickl'd with.

I must confess, she in the Pink Charms me, as much as she in the Blew does you; but leave it to my Policy to manage our Addresses there, without their knowledge, for I also fear their insulting more than you.

Well, on things of Valour thou shalt rely on me, as I on things of Policy on thee; but lose no Opportunity.

'Tis a strange Fame that runs of this Alcanzar: The secretest Thoughts which are conceal'd within the darkest corner of the Heart, [Page 13] they say are visible to him as Objects are to Sight; I must confess, I could not but imploy my Iulia to him to get a private Audience from him, there to ask a thousand Questions; most of them concern you, my dearest Daughters:

Me Madam?

Yes, both: For many of our young Gallants sollicit my Consent to make you their Addresses, but I have been longest, and most assidu­ously courted to admit Oviedo and Piracco, Men of Noble Births and For­tunes; their Father, when he liv'd, half gain'd my liking; and since his Death Salazar and Fernando have renewed the Assault: On the other side, Guzman, prodigiously Rich, but neither over-stout nor wise, as I am in­form'd, has by his Friends this day beg'd my Consent, that he my Court you; and from Alcanzar's Art I'll be resolved.

This is not your Guzman, the Poet, I hope.

By the Character it should; for he is Rich, and neither Wise, nor Valiant.

Madam, I have been these four Hours e'er I could get Admittance to the Great Alcanzar; The Chamber before his Astrological Cabinet, is throng'd more than a Hive of Bees. But at last I got Admittance to him, and at Four this Evening

precisely he will admit you privately, and disintangle himself out of all other Company, for one half hour, to Entertain you: He prest me to know who the great Lady was I came from, but I told him, I would die before I would reveal it; at which he Frown'd, and said, 'Twould cost him a quarter of an Hour's Trouble to imploy his Art, to learn your Name, and all you would ask before you came; but if you fail, Madam, one Moment of an Hour, never expect to imploy his Skill again.

Thank thee, dear Iulia: Since he is so Punctual, 'tis fit I should retire; for e'er I can prepare those Queries, which he must resolve, put on my Disguise and have gotten thither, the appointed Hour will have stol'n on us: Come Daughters, go along with me, to learn your Fate and mine.

ready.

My Spirits appear: You four, when I strike with my Foot, must enter like Hob-goblins, making terrible Noises and Hums; and all offer­ing to Seise upon the Man that I shall set in that Chair, yet touch him not, but in the Way I have directed; and use all other Arts, which for­merly you have practis'd in the like Occasion.

O, one of you run, and open the Door, and bring the Person in.

Would Francisco were with me: I Smell so much Salt-Peter, Niter, and Brimstone, that I must

be neer the Habitation of the Devil; I wish I had given my Five hundred Crowns I had not come: Is there no way back? 'slid all the Doors are shut. Nor can I Pray: I cannot speak an Ave in Latin, no more [Page 14] than in Arabick: Has not the Rogue, Francisco, sent me hither to destroy me, being his Rival?

Quarter, Quarter, Sir;

I beseech you.

By Statius, a Poetical Conjurer; what would I give to answer him in his own Dialect? But Fear now, as Love last Night, has levell'd my Parnassus as flat as a Pancake.

Great Master of the Magick Art, I did not come to speak with thee, but with the fam'd Alcanzar, to whom I beg thee now convey me from the Fiends, thou sayst, and I too plainly hear, are coming in, for I have gotten such a Surfeit of the Stanch, which does arise out of the Stygian-Lake, —As I am able to do nothing else but quake. Hush! Thou im­pertinent Muse, is this a time, and be hang'd, for thee to be perking up? By Tasso, he'll think I Mock him, and then Belzebub will swallow me quick.

A thousand Thanks to Great Alcanzar; but you must drag me thither, Sir; for I have yet such a Load of Sulphur in my Mouth, that my Limbs are not able to bear me.

While in this Chair, and in this Circle you

are confin'd, nothing can hurt you; but if you stir out of it, your Death be upon your own Head.

Pray, Sir, may I not shake in it without danger?

Yes, but be sure you let not your Teeth Chatter, for that would be Musick to the Fiends, who all would come and Dance about you.

Pray, Sir, a Gag then for fear of the worst, for I have lately had a Quartan, and I'de be loath the Fiends should Dance to the Tune of my Disease, especially in my sight.

Think not the worse Sir, of your self for this Disorder you are in; I have seen Noble Souls tremble at what you now must undergo, and yet were ne'r the worse Men, when my Operation had ended.

I hope so—Here's Francisco's Ticket, and now you know my Business; I doubt not he has paid you the Five hundred Crowns.

Yes Sir, I have receiv'd those Trifles, I shall deserve five times more e'er yet be long: You desire to be Invulnerable; from what Wea­pon, Sword or Gun?

Both, I beseech you, Sir.

Why, he has paid me but for one; I received only Five hundred Crowns, and my lowest Price for one of them is that Sum; nor have I prepar'd for any more than one.

'Tis very dear; yet pray, Sir, which would you advise me to?

Why Sir, this Evening, or else my Stars deceive me; (which they seldom do) you will receive two Cartels: Now in regard I would make your Valour famous, I would not have you fight the ordinary way with Swords, but Pistols (for they sending the Challenge, you may chuse the Weapon) This they will dread, and therefore I would have you Shot-free. When you will be made Invulnerable against the Sword, you know the Price, to which you must add two Hours Warning.

I like the Advice extremely; pray proceed, I will so smoke the Rogues; I'll teach 'em to send Challenges to Guzman.

Then sit firm, and start not at what ever you see or hear; but beware of Chattering.

Good, Sir, give me the Gag.

Away, away; I would not have so mean a Thing done by a Gentleman.

However I'll Muzzel my Natural, for fear of the

worst—

Help, help.

Hold; what's the matter?

The Mortal's Teeth begin to Chatter.

How? does your Teeth Chatter?

No Sir, 'tis my Bones smite one against the other, which makes a Noise somewhat like it, and that makes their Mistake; I have kept my Teeth as close as a dead Man's, that has been set a Week: So close, that I fear I shall never get'em asunder again; me thinks I begin to find them grow together; however, pray Sir, for fear of the worst, remove this Diaboli­cal Company, as soon as you can: In Brief, a Man is but a Man, and I find it is, in this Occasion, a harder thing to Command one's Teeth than one's Tongue.

Are they gone?

Yes.

The Devil go with them; for I do not think a Gun, though I were not Charm'd, could fright me half so much as these Incubusses did.

O Sir! A Gun is a terrible Weapon.

Why, I tell you Sir; I had within these twelve Hours a Blunder­buss levell'd at me, loaden with Case-shot; and yet my Teeth did not Chatter.

Why then, they chatter'd now.

Give the Devils their due, they were in the right; never did the cold Fit of an Ague make make a Man's Grinders move nimbler than the fright of those Succubusses made mine: I was in a devilish Jaw-quake, all the strength of both my Hands, though supported by the Arms of that Chair, could not gag me: But Sir, do not you think me a bold Man, that could thus out-face four Belzebubs in a Lye?

Nay, to do it while your Teeth were Chattering too?

By Hercules, judge what I can do when out of a Fright, that could atchieve so bold a thing, though in one.

Well, now you are Charm'd, fight against whom you will, with Fire-Arms; and at their utmost Peril be it.

But all this while, how do I know I am Shot-free? Though you are a famous Man, yet I would be loath to take your bare Word for it, when my Life, and what's a thousand times more precious to me, my Reputation in a Duel is at stake.

If you will not believe me, believe your own

Eyes, Come Sir, here's a Pistol, Powder and Bullets; I'll instantly Charge and shew you the Experiment.

On whom will you make this Experiment?

On you.

On me?

Yes, on you, my Life on it.

Nay, 'twill be my Life on it then.

Why, you know I shall be hang'd if I Kill you.

How shall I know that, when I am kill'd? or if I could, 'twould be but a sorry Satisfaction: Besides, for ought I know, by your Charms you may make your self Halter-proof.

Come Sir, do not doubt, I'll soon let you see

your Error.

Hold, hold, you say you have given me a Charm to make me Shot-free, pray Sir, cannot you give me another to make me Fear-free? Then I may try without trouble.

Away with such fond Scruples; here, take you the Pistol, and Shoot it at me; I Charm'd my self before you came with the same Spell.

This is by much the better way of trying; Have at you, Sir.

I stand you firm as a Bastian.

But stay! What if your Charm should not be good, and I should Kill you; that would be death to me at Second-hand; unless you have a Spell to make me Law-proof too.

My Death be on my self, if you be question'd, say I was my own Murtherer; no Body can contradict you.

'Tis worth telling a Lye to be satisfied

in this so needful a Doubt: Have at you—

Here's the Bullet, and I am well.

Great Master of the Magick-Art, I beg thy Par­don for my Doubts; and now I go to fight (I mean with Fire-Arms) with any from Sixteen to Sixty. Let Oviedo's and Piracco's come by dozens, I scorn them— [Page 17]

If he were as well Charm'd as he is Fool'd; he would be Invulne­rable indeed.

ACT III. The Scene is Alcanzar's Astrological Cabinet.

JUlia has assured me, that Leonora and her two Fair Daughters, the Rich Heiresses, will be here by Four a Clock; they cannot long be absent; she has inform'd me too of all the Secrets of the Family. Maria, you know your Part: After you and Lucia, with your Maids, have danc'd, you must mount on yonder Tripos, and distinctly Pronounce the first Oracle; and perform all those other things I have already directed.

Well, if ever Delphian Virgin e'er declar'd Oracle with more Au­thentick Gravity than I, (bating the Convulsion of the Eyes, and twist­ing of the Neck) ne'er take my Word again.

And you, Lucia, must speak the second Oracle, I gave you, with the Gravity of a Sybil.

If you can give me, Mr. Conjurer, but a Spell to prevent Laugh­ing, doubt not but they shall take me at least for Sybilla Cumea.

'Slight, if you Laugh, we are all undone.

I hope, I shall have the Retentive Faculty for once, to con­tain; I must pinch my self worse than the Fairies do the drowsie Maids.

Iulia has so finely fool'd them; that whatever they hear from from me, will be believ'd as zealously as an old dying Turk does the Alcoran. I hear them; away, away—

Madam, I'll be your Guide; this is the Astrological Cabinet; and I see the Great Alcanzar in his Chair.

Ladies, why do you thus come in Masquerade? Can you believe that I can tell Future Events, and yet think a little Crape can hide things present from my knowledge? Though your scrupulous Maid would not tell me who you were, yet by my Art, I know you are the Beautiful Leonora, Mother to the fair Antonia and Pastrana, who attend you now to learn your Fates, from my all-knowing Skill: Come, Unvail, unvail —

We find, Sir, 'tis in vain to hide ourselves, for you know who we are, and what we come to learn: But Sir, I beseech you, be not offended at Iulia, she did but Obey my Orders.

He, who commands the Spirits of the Air, and those black Fiends which dwell in Flames of Sulphur; must not be trifled with; I ne'er re­ceiv'd Affront, but I re-paid it with a quick Revenge.

—O, Sir! Forgive me.

Great Alcanzar, I beg you for her.

We both join in the same Request.

For your sakes Ladies, her Penance shall be short and slight, but some she needs must undergo; my Spirits would rebel should they see a Mortal injure me, and I not resent it.

This Fright will make them supple as a Glove.

O! I dye.

For Heaven's sake pity her, and us, that suffer in her Torments.

Rise boldly, for all thy Pains are gone.

They are indeed, and in the twinkling of an Eye; let me adore thee, Master of so great an Art: Here I swear ne­ver to deny to tell you what e'er you ask me.

I am glad you have learnt Wisdom by Experience: 'Tis a Jewel which cannot be too dearly bought.

Sir, we are all oblig'd to you, for having shortned your Revenge.

'Twas for your sakes I did it: Now, Madam, while your Daugh­ters, and my late Patient, entertain themselves at the farther end of this my Magick Cabinet, let me hear your particular Desires; for though you come in Company, yet I know you have something to enquire, which you would blush to tell, though but your Daughters only were the Wit­nesses.

Truly, you make me blush; I had something to say,

which though arm'd with a Vail, my Modesty will not let me tell; You see, Sir, I do not deny to answer your Questions.

You both deny and answer it at once: But come, have you not had Thoughts of a second Husband?

The Heavens forbid.

Madam, take heed, run not into a worse Fault, than your Wo­man was so lately guilty of; she but refus'd to tell me the Truth, but you tell me an Untruth: I know you are on the right-side of Forty, that you are Rich and Fair, and carry so much

Youth about you, that could you meet with one you li­ked, you could receive a second Wedding Ring: Is not all this true?

Alas! Sir, 'tis in vain to deny it.

And you now come to know, whom Heaven designs to supply the place of the Dead; for you are yet not Pre-engag'd.

I see you know my Heart; and I beseech you Sir, let not my Daughters nor Iulia—

You desire also to know what the Destinies decree for your two Daughters.

O Sir, by any means, for they are Marriageable, and tis good to pluck the Fruit as soon as 'tis Ripe.

Call 'em then.

Daughters.

Ladies, within this Circle stand, and what e`er you see and hear, on your Lives, stir not out of it: Your Woman too must enter into this little Circle, lest some Mischance befall her.

I beseech you, let us learn our Dooms, without seeing fearful Apparitions; the sight of 'em will make us Die.

Be not afraid, you shall see nothing to Terrifie you. What Noise is that? Some real Devils rise to Re­venge

my making use of Counterfeit ones: Ladies, Vail your selves, and turn your Backs on me; and what e'er happens, look not this way till I bid you.

What the Devil does this Fop here now?

Great Alcanzar, I'm resolv'd to fight with Seconds, and my Friend Francisco shall be mine, for whom I come in haste, to buy the like Charm for him, which I have purchased for my self; there's your Price.

Curse on the Rogue; what a time has he chosen, and what an Er­rand is he come about! But I'll ferret him way.

What the Devil ayls our Mephestopholous? He's damnably out of Humour; Had 'slid, I see now what the matter is; he has monopoliz'd four Women to himself: Sure, he must be a devilish Wencher that can entertain so many at one time; I hope, I may buy a Charm from him, to be four Women proof at once. If I do, 'twill be a better and a rarer thing, than to be Shot-free.

By Heliogabolus, they'are coming; tho I am

Shot-proof, yet I am not Devil-proof: However, by your Conjurership's leave, I'll make bold to take up my Purse again: No Charm, no Mony.

I see, Conjurers like other Mortals, will not be interrupted in their Love-divertisements, nor restore what they can keep.

I must needs go

when the Devil

Drives.

Had not my Sisters Conjur'd too, I had lost the Purse, and been longer troubled with that Owl. Now, Ladies, the requisite preliminaries to the knowing your Fate is over, you may Unvail, and turn your Faces this way again.

O Sir! if we see that horrid Fiend again, we are all Dead.

'Twas well you kept within your Circle when he appear'd.

'Twas impossible I could have done otherwise, for I was not able to stir out of it.

Well Antonia, now I know there is such a thing as a Devil, I will be a better Christian than ever I intended to be.

One glimps of this Fury, has more Humbled me, than all the Lents I ever kept.

The worst is past; stand fast within your Circles: And now what Fate decrees the mildest Spirits shall declare.

A good Husband gracious Fate.

Madam, you are beholding to the Oracle; it foretells you at once, and with unusual Clearness, of your Danger, of your Deliverance, and of your future Happiness; did you hear it well?

Truly Sir, I hear'd it so well, that I can say it as perfectly as my Credo; and not to Lye to you, I believe it as absolutely. Now, if my Daughters have the like good Fortune as plainly Foretold them how hap­py shall we be!

Listen Madam, for the Vestal Virgin is Ascending the Tripos to speak to them.

Madam, this Oracle is not Obscure, for you see what they must do, and what they must avoid.

But yet to speak the Truth, I do not like their being confin'd from Marrying of Rich Fools; for Sir, to de Born to Petti­coats,

and yet to wear Embroider'd Breeches, is a pleasant thing: I speak Sir, what I have Experienced.

Madam, I see, you are not so well pleased with their Oracle, as with your own; but let us a-part, reason the Point, and I dare say, I shall convince you.

I would you could, Sir.

I think Sister, the Sign is in Gemini, for we are all to be Mar­ry'd.

I confess, I am a little troubled, that my Mother should be threatned to be Ravish'd, and not we, who are Eighteen Years younger, and by this Light, at least Twenty Years Handsomer. Whatever some think of Whining, Sighing and Weeping, as Evidences of Mens Passions; yet, I believe Tarquin gave greater proof of his loving Lucretia, than ever Collatin did.

And perhaps she only Kill'd her self, having found that she had got the least Amorous Person for her Husband.

Well Sir, your Reasons have half Converted me.

And the decree of Fate will act the other half.

Be pleas'd Sir, to accept this small Present, as an Earnest of our greater Acknowledgment.

'Tis not my custom to sell my Art; I am happy that I serv'd you by it

I must not be refus'd; nor shall I have the confidence to make you a second Address (if there be cause) unless you will receive this slight acknowledgement of my Gratitude for the first; 'tis only Sir, 400 Crowns, to buy you Books and Instruments: I'll leave 'em at your Feet, and beg your Secrecy in all things past. Come Daughters.

Maria and Lucia peeping through the Scene.Are they gone?

Yes, but their Mony's here, which I make a Present to you both.

We deserve it; for if we had not Conjur'd for you at a dead lift, Guzman had spoil'd the Farse.

'Tis therefore I reward you; but I could hardly hold Laughing, to see how I whipp'd away his Purse, as your little Devil did his Person: However, I'll be just to him, and for the 500 Crowns he left, I'll Charm Francisco his Second, as well as I Charm'd the Principal.

I understand not this.

Nor I, why you made us deliver such Oracles.

Time shall make you wiser shortly: What a Clock i'st?

'Tis past Five.

Past Five! how the time runs away; farewell, I have many Irons in the Fire, and I must let none of 'em Cool.

Since you work so well, 'tis pity to disturb you; farewell Brother Conjurer.

Farewell, Sister Sybils.

By Ieronimo, I have been Coursely us'd; this comes of shewing Friendship: Well, 'tis the first act of it I was ever guilty of; and by Solyman the Magnificent, it shall be the last. My only comfort is, that if I catch my Negromancer in a good humour, I may encline him to give me the Quadruple Spell, in lieu of my Purse he took; and then Women, have at you by double Couples.

Sir, there are two roaring Boys without, that say they will speak to you, they talk Dagger out of Sheath.

And I'll talk Pistol out of Holster too; Bid 'em advance.

I wonder Francisco is not yet come: This is the hour he promised without fail to be with me. I cannot chuse but Laugh to think how I shall Gun the Oviedo's and Piracco's

Your Business Blades?

This Letter I present you from Don Whan de Oviedo.

And this from Don Ibarra de Piracco.

Are you to be their Seconds?

Do you know the Contents of their Letters, e'er you read them?

Poor Man, I see you are Ignorant; this is not the hundredth Curtell that I have received; and we of the Blade, observe one Mode in making up our invitations to the Field: So that the Learn'd need but see the out-side, to know what the inside does contain.

You have Instructed me I confess Sir.

I shall instruct your two Principals also e'er long; come, I'll read what they have presum'd to write.

I take it for granted, this Sealed Letter is of the same Tenure, and to both the Premises. I Answer, that I have Vow'd to fight but one Duel a day, especially when the first is to be begun after Seven in the Evening: In brief, for I long to be at it, I'll give one his Supper, and the other his Break-fast; and that's fare: But I thought by the fold of their Epistles, they had understood the Punctillio's of Duels; and yet they are so Igno­rant as to send the Challenge and appoint the Weapons; that belongs to me: Not but that I would have Nam'd Swords, had they had the Know­ledge, or good Manners to have left it to my Choice: But now I will not so much as have a Sword in the Field, only to thwart them; I am resol­ved to fight with any Fire-Arms, from the Pocket Pistol to the Cannon [Page 23] of Eight: The time I like well, it being in the Cool of the Day; for I shall make prodigious hot work of it.

With Canons of Eight, Sir?

Yes, Sir, with Canons of Eight, I say.

'Tis a new way of Duelling.

And therefore, Sir, I choose it: A famous Monsieur of Gallia Cel­tica, brought up the Mode of fighting Duels with single Rapier, which ever since has borne his Name, and has been call'd by the Cartelists à la Bouteville: And I who have fought ten times more Duels than he, will in­troduce fighting with great Guns, which shall hereafter be called Duels à la Guzman; on their batter'd Carcasses I'll raise my self a Name.

For all your Rodomontade, our Principals shall fight with you with any Arms, even from a Pin to one of the largest Basilisquets, that the Mahometans pelted Scodra with.

I say, the bigger, the better.

But pray, Sir, consider your Duel at these Weapons cannot be fought this Evening, nor indeed this six Weeks: All Bat­tering-Cannon are the King's, and we shall scarce bor­row

a couple out of the Arsenal to fight a Duel with: So that you must get Metal and Founders of your own.

He tells you right.

Well, rather than protract my Sport, (for such Duels are to me) I am content, for this time, to fight but with a Case of Pistols, and neither Sword nor Dagger shall be in the Field; when this Evening I have kill'd Oviedo, (for it is natural the Eldest Brother to dye first) if to morrow Morning Piracco has a mind to the like Fate; I shall look to hear from him again: And then let him expect Leaden-Pill to purge away his Mortality—You have your Answers.

My Friend shall meet you at the Hour and Place, and only arm'd with Pistols.

You may assure your Friend he shall have the Honor to be the next kill'd by my own hand; for by Tamberlain, I will neither give or take Quarter.

Well, Sir, these Bravadoes are fitter to be answer'd in the Field, than in your Chamber, in which we'll leave you to make your Will, and say your Prayers.

Hang Wills and Testaments; and for Praying, let those look to it that are doom'd to dye; go and get Confessors for your Friends, 'tis the last and the best Office you can do them—

LAdies, we come to offer you our Hearts.

And is your Business Love?

'Tis the Business of the World.

I rather thought by your Wrinkled Faces, your Quadruple Eyes, and your Grizl'd Heads, that you came to read us a Theological Lecture of Abstinence and Repentance.

What Saints should we turn, were our Hearts as much mortifi'd as those December-Lovers-Looks.

Since Love's a Fire, it must sooner burn in the dry Woods than in the Green.

Well, Sister; I shall have a terrible ill Opinion of our Beauties, since they could make no better Conquests.

You should value them the more, that can turn Ages-Ashes into a Flame.

Hy-da! Why they have got the Young-Men's Dialect, and talk of Fires and Flames: Pray how many Jubilees are there since you were first in Love?

'Twas Yesterday; for then I first beheld you: Though we have seen a thousand whom the World calls Beauties, yet till we saw you, we ne'er could learn what that word did mean.

Alas! Good Gentlemen, you begin to learn somewhat late, yet if you live to it, you may make pretty Scholars; for I find you have In­clinations. But pray how did Love enter you?

As a Conqueror, it came not in at the Gate, but threw down the Walls of the Fortress to have the nobler Passage.

Why then, there's hopes he may soon get out again; the breach being so large.

Pray, let me Catechise you too: How how does Love deal with you now he is the Victor, and by what signs do you know you are in Love?

He uses me like a Tyrant; for he would not let me sleep all last Night.

By my Troth, Sir, and that perhaps has made you a little Light­headed to day.

By my Troth, Sister, they begin to incline me to try them for a while, that the World may know what Love

can do at Eighty.

But what is it that you would be at?

Marriage, Madam, Marriage, our Passions have an honorable End.

And a wise Beginning! but what would you do if you were marry'd?

The best we could to please you; we would settle Joyntures upon you, give you fine Cloaths, rich Coaches, and & Caetera.

Et Caetera! What's that?

'Tis a very Aenigmatical Word, and cannot be open'd till the Marriage-knot is ty'd.

Well, if I were sure that your Et Caetera were as good as what you have exprest, 'twould operate strangely one me: But would you not grow Melancholy, and Sighing, say, You had not so much need of a Wife, the day after Wedlock, as you

thought you had the day before.

I have gain'd Iulia, who has promised us Admittance; but we must not lose one Moment of our time.

Now thou deservest the name of a Polititian.

'Slid! 'tis our Nephews, I would not

for the World, that they should see us in this Company.

'Tis they, Ladies, we beg your Pardons; but to morrow we'll perfect what this day we have so happily begun.

Beautiful Lucia! I Kiss your Fair Hands.

What made those two Ghosts vanish so sud­denly?

Why, you put them a Question that they could not in Conscience deny, and yet were ashamed to confess: But I think those two Gentlemen which walked by, did Alarm them.

What Legs the Old Goats made! Well, I dare Prophesie, with­out the help of a Tripos, That I shall live to see them as like those Beasts in their Horns as they are in their Faces and Beards. But yet we need not wish them a worse Condition than that they flung themselves into.

THus much of the Honour of the Day is ours already; though we are the Challeng'd, yet we are the first in the Field.

By Barbarossa; I think the Rogues dare not come, the Noise of Fighting with Fire-Arms has terrified them: Let me tell you, Francisco, I my self should be somewhat Squeamish at a Pistol, were I not Charm'd, I say I my own self would be so; then judge what an ordinary Cavaliero must be; well, 'tis a most delicious thing to shoot at one's Enemy, and to be Shot-free one's self; 'tis a kind of Fowling at Men.

And yet you scrupled to give Five hun­dren Crowns to possess this Noble Privilege.

Friend mine! I would not for Five thousand Pound but enjoy it; I find it has given me a new Heart: By Muleasses of Morocco, were I not afraid of the Law, I could every day commit a Massacre. But take heed they put not slur on me, and send Counterfeits to fight their Quarrel, for I never saw Oviedo and Piracco, and therefore know their Fa­ces no more than I know my Catechism: Francisco, wilt thou keep a Secret if I trust thee with it?

Keep it close as a Confessor.

Know then, that Alcanzar, (I hope none of his Spirits hear me, if they do I renounce all I say) is a most Avaritious Negromancer: I car­ry'd him Five hundred Crowns to Charm thee too, since thou wer't to be my Second, and he conjur'd me out of them: were it not that I had some Wenching Ends on him, and that he is thy Friend, By Prester Iohn I would Pistol him, for now that's my Weapon of Execution; I confess, I broke in somewhat abruptly on him, when he was so Solace himself with four Doxies: But why, a Devil, should he therefore take his Wages, and not do my Work?

I am glad you minded me of this, for he sent for me as soon as you were gone, and has Charm'd me just as you were; which was the Cause I was so long absent from you.

Oh, has he so! This mitigates the Seething of my Blood: By Rosinante, had he not done me Right in this, though there had been no more Conjurers in Europe, Asia, Africk, and America, I would have shot his Soul to his own Hobgoblins.

Now we shall have Sport, I hear them com­ing—Prepare, prepare; It must be they, I see two

Cavaliers Galloping this way with Pistols in their Hands, longer than Carbines.

Would they were in their Hearts: 'Death my Teeth begin to Chatter again; I shall not have Strength enough to shoot at him; what a dull Scoundril was I, that I did not till now remember to have bought another Spell, to have confined them to their House?

Fie on them, 'tis not they, but a couple of young Cubs, that rid by with Pistols in their Hands Fooling with one another.

By Don Quinot's Launce, I feard so; yet you see I was prepar'd for them; but since they are not come, I'll uncock my Heart and Pistol, [Page 26] for I had made both ready to give Fire: Come, let's be gone, 'twill be in vain to expect them longer.

Be gone! not for the World, let's stay till it be so late that we can­not see the length of our Pistols, and then we may retreat with Honour.

I understand not but that I have already done what my Reputation calls me to in the Field; and now I long to do what my Resentment calls me to in the Town, that is, to Post them up for Cowards: Why, I tell thee, I would not have waited so long for a Mistress, and yet thou wouldst have me wait longer for an Enemy, 'tis unconscionable; By Al­bumazar I'll be gone.

Hold, hold; they are coming now in good earnest.

And I, without jesting, will be going: Hang 'em they dare not come; but if they should, 'tis so late I cannot see to level my Pistol, we must defer it till to morrow Morning.

Where is Don Guzman?

'Tis they indeed, I would Francisco, and his Punctilio's of Ho­nour were in the bottom of Mare Caspium; else I had been half way to Salamanca, at least out of Sight, and then I am sure I would have be out of call too; I was bewitch'd to take a Second.

What have you to say to Guzman? there he is.

The Rogue Francisco, has Cat's Eyes: I can scarce see the length of my Nose, and he can see Ten Yards off; for I am sure I have got so much nearer the Town than he is.

I have a Message to him from Don Oviedo.

Nay, if it be but a Message, by the Queen of Sheba, I'll boldly face about and receive it; what Message hast thou for me, my Friend? I am Don Guzman.

Sir, 'twas my Fortune, coming even now from the City, to find a Gentleman lying in the High-way with his Leg broken, who desired me to come to this place, and tell Don Guzman his Diaster: he bid me tell you too, That as soon as he was able he would perform to you what by this Misfortune he was now disabled to do; he had a Gentleman with him, who went to get a Coach to carry him to Salamanca. Having now dis­charg'd my Engagement to him: I humbly take my leave of you.

By Otho, Galba and Vitellius, I doubt the Rascal broke his Leg on purpose to avoid fighting with me: Let's run, Francisco, and Pistol him where he lies; was this a time, and be hang'd to him, to crack his Shank­bone in? Death, I hate such trifling.

Nay, now you Rave; what would you have him do in such a Misfortune more than he has done?

Rave! do you call it? Why, I tell you what I would have had him done: I would have had him fought on his stump rather than have disappointed such a Cavaliero as I am, Men fire Pistols with their Hands, and not with their Legs, and since the Fighting limb was Sound, he should not have shunned the Duel, because the Running limb was hurt: The Poltroon shews by this, that he trusted more to his Feet than to his Hands.

Be patient yet.

Patient! Why, wouldst thou not Rage and Fume and Fret, if in the very moment thou wer't ready to enjoy thy Landa bri-des, thou shouldst be defeated? By Mount Caucasus this is a Million of times worse to me; why I tell thee, my Stomach was set to fight.

'Tis but making it wait till to morrow Morning, then you may break your Fast on Piracco.

What! canst thou think, since the elder Brother broke one Leg to avoid fighting with me, that the Younger will not break both his Arms to shun th' Encounter? Why, I tell thee, that's the lowest Price he can buy his Safety at: Cowardise runs in a Blood. But though he should chal­lenge me, yet e'er I come into the Field to meet him; I will have a Pub­lick Notary to certifie he is there, Sound of Wind and Limb, e'er I will vouchsafe to take such another Walk to kill any of his House: When one of a Family has play'd me Tricks, I may justly be jealous of all the rest.

Do not be so Suspicious; I dare say Piracco will meet you here to morrow.

What▪ with a broken Limb? But to prevent those gross Cheats, do you take Care to bring him hither in a Litter; and I'll take a Care to send him home in a Coffin.

Leave the first part to me; but lest we should break our own Limbs let us return e'er it be quite dark; for the Dew already falls.

I am glad it does, for nothing on Earth could quench the heat that I am in: Besides, I have an Assignment at Eight, where I would not fail for all the World; but e'er I sleep, by Vulcan I'll make Oviedo's Honour lamer than his pretended Fall has made his Leg.

ACT IV. The New Flat Scene.

ARe they drest as they should be?

So well, that our Antiquaries Spectacles will not discover the Fallacy: In one word, our Methusalem Gallants are not liker Cox­combs, than our two Maids are drest like us.

But I fear their Discourses will be as dull as the Persons to whom must be made.

No, Tireletta is a merry Lass, she often reads Comedies; and when she wants Invention, she will make use of Memory, which is an ordinary thing now a days, and in Persons of greater Quality.

However, we have given them the Plot, and must trust them to word the Play; but be sure they keep their Masks on; for though the Dotards Eyes are as old as their Years; yet by the help of their Multiply­ing-glasses, they will see less Ill than they hear.

Now you have given me this Hint, on my Conscience, I begin to think 'twas those Spectacles made them so in love with us: For since by them a small Print seems a big one; our Beauties must shew the larger through those Opticks. And as the Beauty is magnifi'd, so the Love is; would their Nephews had their bought Eyes to contemplate us with.

Desires in Young-men, Lucia, are the best Spectacles they can look through on handsom Women: if we can kindle those in Oviedo and Piracco, I dare undertake, within one Month after Matrimony, they will be as willing to see their Uncles, as those Fops are now to see us: But since they will be in the Walk suddenly, let's employ the little time left us to make our Aunts, that they shall be perfect in their Parts.

You advise well! Come, let's about our Work.

Madam, I can truly call this Hour, the happiest I e'er enjoy'd, since in it I declare my self your Slave.

Happiness and Slavery, Sir, rarely go hand in hand.

That shews your fair Eyes Power the more, which can unite such Contraries: Yet, Madam, I have cause to repine at my Destiny, that makes me aim at so glorious and End, and has not strew'd my way to it with Rivals; for the Victims made by Valour, are the fittest Sacrifices to be offer'd up to Beauty.

Take heed, Sir, perhaps you complain without Cause, for many sollicit my Mother for her leave, to make us Addresses; though you two are the first admitted.

Since we are the first admitted, that will deter all others from treading on our steps; next to your Favour, what I am most ambitious, is, That any Man would dare to visit you as my Rival.

If you are so Jealous Sir, when I am not yours, what would you be if I were?

Madam, while a Client's Cause is in Suspence, he is suspicious of every Antagonist: But when the Judge has pronounc'd Sentence for him, all these Jealousies Vanish.

Iulia, See who's that who Knocks so hard? Sure

he has some pressing Business.

Would it might please the Stars this were any Man that durst pre­tend to you.

Madam, 'tis a Gentleman that looks as if he would eat one up; he has a Tuck and a Poniard, each a Foot longer than those which usually are worn; and says he must speak with you, and by your Mother's leave.

Since 'tis by Mothers leave, you must

admit him. Methinks Sir, you appear something Alter'd.

And you Sir, seem to be in some Dis­order.

My Blood rises, in hope he is a Rival.

I'm troubled any Man so Late, should come to Visit you, and by Leonora's Permission.

Ladies, I beg your Pardon that I come thus Late; but a Rascally Duel, and posting up the Cavaleer that did not meet me in the Field, was the cause of it.

A Duel Sir, with whom I pray?

With a huffing Fellow that past for a Hector, till I handled him, and then he chose to break his Leg rather than Fight with me, and he was Wise in doing So

I beseech you Sir, his Name.

This Morning his Name was Don Oviedo; but having behav'd himself so short of my Expectation, I have therefore thought fit this Even­ing, to Curtel it, and call him Don Ove.

This is a new way of Revenge.

And by Presepolis, the fitter, for as he bob'd me, so I have bob'd his Name.

Where does this Don Oviedo Live?

Oviedo said you? 'Death, I tell you his Name is Ove, and by no other Name I'll have him call'd. But are your the Domine of the Parish, that you would Catechise me thus? If these Fair Ladies would know any thing, I am ready to answer, but for others, thus I reply.

Were it not in our Mistresses Chamber, I'd

cut this Rascals Throat.

Will you for my sake, tell me where this Don Ove Lives?

You Mr. Examinator, come hither quickly and learn Manners. This Beautiful Lady calls my Godson right, that is to say Don Ove; for till he recovers his long Name in Combat, he shall wear my short one. By the Great Cham of Tartary he shall. And let me see who dares say me nay. — Now Madam, to Answer you;

I declare, this Don Ove is one of the Roaring Boys of Salamanca; his younger Brother is call'd Piracco, who was to Fight with me to Morrow Morning; but I have certain Intelli­gence he means to break both his Arms to avoid it: And therefore by way of Prophecy, I have Christned him by the name of Piracco the Self­Maim'd.

But suppose Piracco should Fight with you to Morrow Morning, what will you call him then?

I'll call him then what he shall be then, Piracco the Defunct; so bad a Name, that if he has Discretion, he will rather chuse that of the Self-Maim'd. But Madam, who are those two Fellows that dare stay in this Room, while I come to Court you in it?

One is call'd Don Ove, and thee other Don Piracoo, the Self-Maim'd, or the Defunct that shall be; I wonder you do not know your own God sons.

'Death, I wish this Christning does not cause my Burial.

Methinks Sir, you seem Supriz'd.

By Titus Vespasian, you cannot blame me, to see one that had bro­ken his Leg but an Hour ago, walk so soundly on it: Is he not a Conjurer?

If he be, he is the Youngest that ever was; why you know he was Christn'd not a quarter of an hour ago.

Let me consider how this Mistery could be brought about.

You were wishing even now, for your way strew'd with Rivals. I confess, it appears not so thick laid as you desired: But here's no little Earnest that the Fates will grant your Request in time; methinks you should Cultivate so hopeful a beginning.

I beseech you Madam, what is the Name of this Brother of yours?

I assure you Sir, he is neither Brother nor Kinsman, nor hardly Acquaintance of Mine; but his Name is Don Guzman.

Courage Piracco, do but stick to me now, and wee'll Recover all again; for this Guzman is at once the greatest Ranter and the greatest Coward in Nature.

I would I were as certain of the latter as of the former; but I must stick to thee, 'tis the only way left me.

By my Honor Madam, I took him for a Brother of yours, and therefore I forbore to fall on him; but now you disown any such Relation, were it not in your Chamber,—

Nay, Sir, my Chamber is no Sanctuary for any Gentleman that affronts another in it: I give you full Liberty.

Now back me my Piracco, and the Field is ours yet. Ho! you that break Mens Legs with your Tongue, and Curtel their Names too; know I am call'd Don Whan de Oviedo: I will not bate thee a Syl­lable: [Page 30] Nay, I will add five to it to Affront thee, and call my self by way of addition, Vic-to-rio-so. And as for my Leg, thy Posteriors shall feel 'tis Sound, by the future Black and Blew, which

I will Colour them with: I shall, I shall, and let me see who dares say me nay?

What a thunderclap is ready to fall on me! Would

I were Disintangl'd from this Intrigue, only by having my Posteriors clad in that rusul colour'd Livery he mentioned.

By this Light he Trembles! nay, then have at him too; Ho! you Guz. for I'll be a God-father too in my turn, and retrench half thy Name. Know thou Scoundrel of Salamanca, that Man shall be no more left in thy Name than 'tis in thy Nature, as this fatal Steel shall instantly demon­strate.

We'll Drill thee as fast as thou art wont to Lye, and that's Expe­dition enough of all Conscience.

In a Lady's Chamber, and two at once; nay then 'tis time to take Sanctuary against such base Advantages.

Talk'st thou of Advantages, thou Son of any

Father but thy Mothers Husband; art thou not dou­ble Weapon'd; hast thou not as much Steel about thee, as we both?

Hold! lest our blind Furies may injure our Fair Mistress; let's not use our Swords; do thou maul him with thy Foot, as I will with both my Fists, to shew him my Arms are not broken, nor thy Leg; the Affront will be the greater.

Content; and as thou gav'st him a short Name, so I will give him a long one, and call him Don Guz, the Kicked and the Cuffed.

If my Wits assist me not, I'm Lost; help,

help, Pastrana's fallen into a Swoon.

Was there ever such a Triumvirate of Cowards?

Had they been drest in Red, an ordinary Turky-Cock would have beaten them all three. I would not for all Salamanca his Person had shook my Heart, as much as his Fear did my Body. The Oracle begins to work; I am for those Gallants I know not, for the Servants we know, have turn'd my Stomach; the smell of a Coward, is worse than the Snuff of a Tallow-Candle.

'TWs a pleasant Duel indeed.

Had you but seen the Qualms he was in when I told him they were coming; and his Exultations, when my Messenger brought word of the broken Leg, you would have said none but a Conju­rer could have refrain'd bursting with Laughter.

The belief that he is Shot-free, and that Oviedo broke his Leg to shun the Duel, I dare foretell (without the help of your Magick) will cost Guzman some Bastenado's at least. But to our Business. I wonder Iulia is not yet come; she promis'd at this Hour, to assist at this our General Council.

To Morrow early, she and her Lady are to walk in the Nun­nery-Grove; you know your Parts in that Play, and I warrant you, Iulia and I will act ours to the Life: When I am in possession of the Wi­dow, that and my Oracle to the two Daughters, shall soon enable me to make your Fortunes too. But, are you not unconscionable Brothers, to give me, who labour for you all, the worst Wife of the three?

Prithee no more, a Widow is by destiny, the Portion of the youngest Brother.

She is monstrous Rich, and not Forty; consider how many younger Sons of good Families would leap to Marry Wealth; tho the Mi­stress of it were Sixty. Thy Stars have been kinder to thee by Twenty Years, than they use to be to those of thy Order: But methinks the unexpected Dotings of our two Sage Senators on Maria and Lucia, might be improv'd to the common Benefit.

Leave that to my Management; I have laid so probable a Plot in that Affair, that if it Succeed not, I will not only call Fortune a Whore, but a Blind one too.

Hold my Sides, or I shall Split.

Why, what's the matter?

Nay, I have not time to tell you now, for Guzman is Hobling hither as fast as a Man can, that had within this quarter of an hour, a Steel Tent in each Hanch, at least six Inches long.

Methinks thou shouldst pity the poor Man; for ought you know, he may be your Husband.

My Husband! what Marry a Coward? By this Light, if you do not Conjure for me better, I'll abjure your Art.

Better why what can be better than to have a Husband of 5000 Pistols Rent, and to be able to beat him out of Four of it annually when thou wilt?

I beg your Pardon Brother Negromancer; I confess I did not think on that; I will leave all my Fortune to your Art.

It shall not fail I warrant thee.

'Slid 'tis he; let us retire and hear his own Relation to Francisco; 'twill be worth the while, or never Credit me.

Who's that Knocks so Rudely?

One that has been rudelier Knock'd himself; yet I am Heart­whole still, tho by Heraclites, Francisco, never poor Mortal met with so doleful an Adventure; my Curse on the Damn'd Alcanzar (if he hears me not) that advis'd me to be Shot-free, when he should have made me Tuck­free; I have receiv'd a couple of Toledo Glisters here.

Who did Administer them?

By Esculapius, Gallen, and Hypocrates, two of the most Pagan Apothecaries in all Salamanca: By Van Helmont, I thought since my Skin was Bullet-Proof a fortiori (as the Learned Phrase it) 'twould have been Tuck-proof.

Where are you hurt?

In each of my Natural Cushions.

Nay then my Wonder ceases, if at least you were Charm'd sitting in a Chair, as I was; for no part was Invulnerable but where the Spirits clapp'd, and while you were sitting, they could not clap you there.

Fie on 'em, why did they not tell me so? My Posteriors they know were at their Services: But I see there is no honesty in the Devil.

Why, who would think, that a Man who was Charm'd for a Duel, would ever turn his Breech upon his Enemies? But who is he thus Larded you?

Why by Ianus's two Faces I'll tell thee, there were too He's, and those assisted with six Lacais's of Fretum Magelanicum; for by Goliah, they were of the Gygantick Brood that did it: Couldst thou think that I would turn my Rump to any he that Breaths? But that which is most Stupendi­ous is, that one of these Eight was Oviedo, and with both his Legs as Sound as the great Bell of Roan: Dost thou not think Alcanzar plays double with us?

In the name of Wonder, how came you into Oviedo's Company since I left you?

The Rage of being disappointed of my Duel, so heated my Blood, that I could not hold from visiting Antonia and Pastrana; for thou knowest when our Veins are warm'd, we love to fool a little with our Mistresses, with whom I found Oviedo and Piracco, whose Faces I no more knew than I do Iudas Iscariot's.

You were well enough serv'd, to visit my Mistress, and by stealth.

By Procris, that's pretty; why, though she were thy Wise, I hope I might visit her: But to the Point, the Ladies found Anger written in my Looks in Text-hand, and having prest me often to know the Cause, I at last told them it, when suddenly behind my back, Oviedo and Piracco both drew on me, and had not Antonia's Kindness and Shrieks given me notice of their Treachery, I had been spitted; but instantly fetching a Pyrowet on my Heel, and whipping out my Rapier and my Ponyard, I did, with them, break both their Thrusts at once.

'Twas brave and quick.

Then I prest the nearest with my Dagger, and the farthest with my Tuck, so furiously, that I made the Ladies run Squeaking out of the Chamber, and my two Antagonists retire toward the Door, through which I forced both of them with a double Stockada. (An Art I learn'd of a fam'd Morisco Fencer, and which, in Crowds, has often stood me in good stead) But then, By Hannibal of Carthage, I fell into the Golian Ambush I told thee of.

Bless me! how came you out of it?

As I came out of many the like Dangers formerly, by my meer Valour, Francisco; there I laid about me like light'ning, Cut, Thrust, Slash'd, Hack'd, Hew'd, Kick'd, Bit, Struck, and all at once; and by my Point and Edge, push'd and hew'd my Passage, as the one Ey'd African did his way through the Alps; but all my Agility, Skill and Courage, could not de­fend my Crupper, which two Neopolitans of Bergamo made a couple of Breaches in, and so the Battel ended: But by Sodom and Gomorrah only Revenge shall be the Word, till I have acted it to the Hilts: I am Plotting of it.

It seems, then 'twas Antonia's Kindness and Shrieks, which saved you first, was it not?

By Iuno, thou art jealous.

I scorn so low a Passion; no, from this Moment I resign her to thee; the Honour thou hast atchiev'd in that brave Fight thou madest be­fore her, makes thee best deserve her; besides, I find she likes thee most▪ and one may as soon stop the flowing of the Sea, as a Woman's Incli­nation.

Art thou in Earnest, my Francisco?

In as much Earnest as an Anchorite prays when he is giving up the Ghost.

What! quit thy Mistress, and not do it in a Hirrican?

I must confess I should not do it so calmly, were it not for two Reasons. The first is, I prepared my self sometime since for this Misfor­tune, foreseeing your Merit would carry her, or I must lose your Friend­ship. The Second is—But this upon your Life you must keep Secret—

By these Hilts I will.

A Kins-woman of mine, this Evening, brought me to a young Miracle for Beauty, and a Peru for Wealth, who being by her Father left to the Guardianship of her Uncle; he, Faithless Man, would have married her to his Son, one more crooked than old Age; and as Ill-natured as a Storm; she, to avoid this, fled to my Cozen, who has undertook to get her for me: This living Martyr, is as fair as Innocence, bright as Light un­clouded, sweet as Incence, virtuous as Penelope, Sings like Philomela: In one word, she her self is not a greater Wonder, than it would be to see her and not adore her: Alcanzar is my Friend, and my Cozen has persuaded her to consult his Art alone to morrow about Two in the Afternoon, and I have some Grounds to hope my Stars will be my Friends; nay, I'll trust you with her Name too, 'tis Iulia.

Now am I such an Errant Rogue, as on his bear Description of

his Mistress to be more in love with her, than my own; methinks she is too good a Bit for such a Mouth as Francisco's: I may Conjure for my self as well as he hopes Alcanzar will for him.

Methinks you are troubled at my good Fortune.

No, I rejoice monstrously at it, and am as sensible of your Re­signation: But by Saturn all Thoughts that now come into my Heart, except those of Revenge, are but Usurpers; those only ought to reign: There­fore, dear Francisco, get me access to Alcanzar to morrow before your Mi­stress comes, (for by Boreas I dare not visit his Astrological Cabinet with­out leave) that I may be made Tuck-proof: And then I'll invade my Rivals with Fire and Sword: In the mean time I'll make use of a Man­mender; I doubt the Traytors assaulted me with poyson'd Weapons, for by Ixion I am on the rack with Pain, but in a greater Torment till I be more than quit with them: Remember Revenge is the Word, and re­member too, you get me leave to wait on our Astrologer.

I dare assure you of it—

The Devil a word of all that he has told you, is true; but the whole History of this Kistril you shall have in Folio at better leisure.

'Death, if this be so our Plot is quite defeated.

Why?

I'll tell you; We knew our two Lords would be beaten by one resolute Pigmy, and we hop'd that Guzman thinking himself Charm'd, would have frighted them away from Pastrana and Antonia, whom they Courted contrary to their own Resolutions and our Belief, and had they been driven from thence by a Rival that had affronted them; that had hugely prepar'd our way, to have inclin'd them to make Addresses to Maria and Lucia: 'Twas strangely ill done of you, Francisco, to leave him.

Hang him, 'twas he left me: and when he did, he swore Top-Gallant High: 'Twas to post up Oviedo; which had he done, our main Plot could not have fail'd: we must quickly cast about, or our Cake will be Dough.

I have a Plot just now come into my head, that may recover all again.

What is it?

Cannot you by your Black Art tell it? Soft, Sir, 'tis yet but newly on the Anvil, and I will polish it ere I expose it to your view: But this [Page 34] I'll say; if you trust it to Alvares and me, hang us both if it does not succeed.

Pray Hang him single, if it do not; I'll not bet so deep at a Game I know not.

What ever it is, you must be sure that it be so pat with my Oracle, as if your Design had been fitted to it.

Else all were spoil'd, I know.

Well, I see 'tis a good thing to have Two Conjurers in one Family; but 'tis almost break of day, so I hasten to attend Leonora to the Nunnery Grove.

Yet we must not sleep till we have our Plot past being disap­pointed.

We are bound in Honour and Justice to acquaint Leonora, that our Nephews will not Court her Daughters.

We are, they may reject many good Husbands, depending upon those who slight them; and since at our requests all others were forbid, 'tis but fit we should tell her the naked Truth, that she may otherwise provide for them; but having thus determined this affair, Now to our greatest Busi­ness—I fear they will fail to meet us at the place assign'd.

True Love is still accompanied with Fear: But yet when I con­sider, that though at first they jeer'd us egregiously, yet at last, when we often vowed to marry them, they grew more pliant: And in the close ap­pointed us, to meet them them at a private House, Vowing they would bring a Priest with them; nay, accepted the Diamond-Rings we gave them. I cannot doubt their good Intentions, and our blest Success.

But why would they not unmask, though we so earnestly desired it? I apprehend they will not grant us the great Request, when they de­nied us such a Trifle?

That denial pleas'd me most, for 'twas a Proof they meant to grant us, what they would blush at when they did it, that they so covered their Faces. Besides, I have enquired of their Deportments and Quality of some of their Neighbors, and find their Carriage is most strict and virtuous, and that they are Daughters to a Gentleman of a good Family, who dy'd a Beggar: So that to marry Men of our Estates and Degree, is a Happi­ness they could scarcely hope; but we are Rich enough, and they are pro­digiously Handsom, and their Gay-humor pleases me as much as their Beauties.

You have satisfied my Scruples, as Lucia, I hope, will my Passion all this Night.

One hour of it will do that Work, ne'er fear it.

Hugh! Thou dost not know how fierce a Creature an old Batche­lor is.

Let me hear you say so, and truly too, to morrow Morning: But then I bar Cantarrides.

Dost thou not intend to use them that thus suspectest me? The Daughter that was searched for, and found by the Mother in an Oven; from thence concluded she had first been heated there her self: But we had best sit all things for the Reception of our Mistresses, as becomes Men of Action.

Come, let's about it then—

BUt what if your design'd Wife should deceive us, and be willing to be Ravish'd?

For Opportunity has often made a Thief; and many a Discreet Woman that would scruple to be forc'd by one, would delight to be it by two: How few are there that double Wages will not invite to Work?

By this Light, at your Perils, should it prove so; for if you two get my Mistress, 'tis but equal that I Single should get both yours.

The Widow then would have much the better end of the Staff.

I see them, and they are at hand: Let's away to our several Sta­tions.

I confess to thee my Iulia, since I receiv'd the Oracle, it has so employ'd my thoughts, that I have never Slept for thinking on it.

I wonder Madam, if you credit what it said, you dare venture in so Unfrequented a Place, without some Men to defend you, left the Ravishers should attempt your Person.

If the Oracle speaks truth, I am as certain of my Deliverance, as of my Danger: Besides, this is my usual Place to walk in, and this Grove is Sacred too.

So are Womens Chastities; but such as will commit one Sacrilege, will not scruple to commit another.— Bless me! I begin to Tremble.

At what?

Do you not see a couple of Ruffian-like Men walk towards us? I have a thousand times fancy'd Tarquin in my Dreams; and those Fellows look so like him, Madam, let's Fly.

By no means, that will make them follow us; rather let's go Un­dauntedly to meet them.

Good Morrow Ladies.

What Melancholy thoughts have brought you into these Shades?

We come to enjoy the coolness of the Morning.

That's a sign you are hot, and therefore the fitter for us, and we for you.

Villains! what do you mean?

Thou Lustful Goat, unhand me.

Do not we know that ye are She Merchant-Adventurers, by your Trading where the He ones Cruse?

Ruffians! do you mean to Ravish us?

'Slid, they are so 'fraid we should forget it, that they mind us of it: A pretty symptom that they will not Kill themselves after we have done it.

No, I'll Kill my self to prevent it.

Madam, I'll follow such a brave Example.

Come, we'll make you happier than you

would be.

[Page 36]At once so Nimble, and so Dull; 'tis Miracu­lous!

Sir, take Pity on me; spare my Honor, and here solemnly I Vow, I will not only conceal your attempt, but where you will appoint, I will this day send you 2000 Crowns.

Nay, if you will give me so much not to serve you, you will give me more to do it, or rather after I have done it.

'Death, I think a Cunny fell to my lot instead of a Wench; she ran so fast at hand, I have lost sight of her: Hey day! what is the Storm turn'd to a Siege? Come, I'll first help you, and then her; since I have lost my Break-fast, I will take share of yours; there's enough for us both.

Alas! is there then no Pity left?

We'll take more Pity of you, than you would of your self; let's carry her into that dark Thicket.

Help, help, help!

These Sir, are my Lady's Cry's: You never can employ your Valour in a juster Cause; Look Sir, I see them Dragging her away.

Villains! unhand the Lady, or you Die.

Fool, go you about your Business, and leave us to ours, or you shall repent it.

My business is to rescue Innocency.

Propitious Heavens, Guard my Deliverer! O Divine Alcanzar!

I have let out some of your Lustful Blood; but I find, I must take all away to Cure you fully.

'Death, he's Invulnerable, let's Fly, for 'tis in vain to Fight.

How Cowardly is Guilt!

Sir, I owe you more than I have power

to Satisfie; but if all I have can shew my Gra­titude, I shall esteem my self as happy in that Payment, as in being free'd from the Danger your Generosity has pluck'd me out of.

To serve a Person of your Quality and Beauty too, is at once my Duty and Reward.

Madam, in my Flight, by accident I met this Gallant Cavaleer, who as soon as I had acquainted who you were, and with your Danger, he flew with the Wings of Honor to your Rescue. Now I

my self, begin to believe the Oracle.

I hope the Villains have not hurt you Sir.

No Madam, 'tis not they have hurt me.

Why do you Sigh then Sir?

Ah Madam, can you ask that question of him who looks on such fair Eyes as yours?

I see Sir, you would convince me, that you are a Courtier, as well as a Soldier.

Madam, you need but look in your Glass to convince you of the truth of my Professions; I am not us'd to Counterfeit a Flame; for by your self I Swear you are the first to whom I ever offer'd up my Heart.

Remember Madam, the words of the Oracle,

Ah my Iulia! I remember them, but methinks 'tis ill to accept him at first word.

But worse to lose your Happiness for ever; be not asham'd of what the Stars Decree.

But Madam, may I obtain your Pardon, if I ask why you did Sigh? Are you griev'd I make you an Address? If you be, I'll Kill my self to expiate my Offence: but if you will admit of it, by all that's most Sacred amongst Vertuous Men, the study of my Life shall be to please you; and that moment that I entertain a contrary thought, may it be my last.

Madam, tell him the whole truth, and that will save your Blushes.

Sir, if you will walk with me to my House, I'll convince you, that I do not slight your Love, and shew why I have so suddenly accept­ed it; then you will perhaps excuse the seeming Immodesty of such a hasty Bargain.

Let me seal my Blessing on that fair Hand:

MY Mother and Iulia went out betimes this Morning; sure 'twas to perform some Devotions.

I should think so too, had it not been so early; for most People rise later when only their Zeals do actuate them: For my part, I believe the Oracle, that told you of a seeming Rape, and of a real Husband, gives her no rest.

I wonder we have no news of our Husbands, for I am resolv'd Oviedo and Piracco are not design'd for us; and besides them, and Poet Guzman, we have yet no Suiters.

Madam, I watch all Opportunities to enjoy the Bles­sing to wait on you.

I heard your Mother, Madam, was gone Abroad, and lest we should a Second time be interrupted by her, I am come this Morn­ing to renew my Vows.

The truth is we had been earlier here, but that both of us wait­ed till now, to know which of us Guzman would send a Challenge to; but he peaceful Don as he is, has only a mind to Cure the Wounds we gave him.

Be not mistaken, I know him well, and therefore bid you be confident as soon as he is Cur'd, he'll play the Devil with you both; I hear he means to figth with Pistols; for he has heard how Excellent you are at Single-Rapier.

I am famous alike at both, for I have fought as many Duels with the latter, as with the former.

On my Conscience I believe him.

So he durst fight with me, I desire only a Battoon against his Case of Pistols.

Would we had each of us a generous Rival in this Garden, what Sport we'd make you!

Ah! especially if it be with a Rival, and a Mistress looking on.

How I hate such Vapouring Puppies.

Who are these?

Some, I hope to afford them the pleasant Pastime they say they are so fond of: If I can Loo these Strangers on them, on my Maiden head, I'll do't.

Put up Piracco quickly, I don't like these Fellows Looks; they are Bravoes.

My beating Heart seems to tell me, their coming boads us no good.

How now Gentlemen? Drawing on these fair Ladies.

Your Weapons should be to Serve, and not to Fright 'em.

By my troth Sir, we are only a little Airing our Swords this fine Sun-shine Morning.

And by my troth Gentlemen, they were wishing for two Rivals, that on them they might shew us their Valour: I protest I'll allow you to be so, rather than they should lose their Longing.

Madam, they are like to have their Wishes, for the truth is, we heard, that these two Airers of their Swords, did wish for some to Court you with them.

Nay, we were told that they repin'd against their Fate, that they met with not resistance in their Loves; as if their Stars had not Smil'd e­nough upon them, in preferring them to be your Adorers.

Piracco, these are no Guzmans!

The best is, the Garden Door is open, remember

that.

This was the substance of their Discourse I confess, but otherwise Phras'd; for to use their own words, they wish'd, That their way to us were strew'd with Rivals.

Fie Sister, you'll set these four a Fighting.

No, but I will set two of 'em a running; and methinks I see them heaving at it already.

Gentlemen, we'll take a fitter time and Place for our Revenge; but Madam, as for you who delight to make Quarrels—

What, Reproach me for driving on your Wishes for you?

A fitter time and Place! Why would you wish a fitter by Day­light, in a smooth Garden, and a Mistress present, before whom, a Cow­ard would forget his Fear?

Ah, how pleasant a Duel is! especially when a Mistress does look on; I'll be bound Antonia shall do you that favour.

In the Garden, said you, and alone?

Stay, stay, Don Guzman, here are some of your Brother Poets to entertain you.

By Mercury, Madam, I beg your Pardon, I mistook my way.

I know you were studying Revenge, that made you mistake.

Yes by Grim Saturn was I, and they shall have it home, but 'tis not ripe yet.

Stay but a while, and you shall see it acted to your Hand.

By Athelanta, you mean to Trepan me: Why what can one do against four?

On my honest Word, I do not; two of them are for you, and have so frighted Don Ove and Piracco the self-maim'd, that if 'twere not in a Gar­den, your Nose might be my Witness.

Nay then, by my Grandam's Ghost I'll add my Auxiliary Arms to theirs, and yet therein I give them fairer play than they gave me, for two to one is greater odds than

three to two—Fagh—What an unsavory Smell as­saults my Nose?

Come, Gentlemen, draw; and let's shew these fair Ladies sport, perhaps they long for it as much as you.

What if I will not fight for any Bodies pleasure?

What if we make you Air your Swords in Earnest?

Who's that will not fight for any Bodies pleasure? Let my Toledo know him.

What are you, Sir? we do not need your help.

But by your good leaves I need yours, for they two fell both on me at once last Night, and Coward-like, assaulted me in the Rear; but my Van they durst not look on.

Gentlemen, this is Love; Three to Two?

By Terra Australis Incognita, not so low as you broached me last Night, you can Preach Honour: Now 'tis to save your own Skin, but forgot to practise it, when 'twas to pink mine.

Well! I'll make a fair Proposal, my Brother and I will draw Lots which of us shall fight single with Don Guz. (for I have sworn never to call him Man) then when by his Death our Numbers are equal, if the Victor's Wounds do not disable him, we'll instantly fight with both of you —How dost thou like this Plot, my Oviedo?

Rarely well contrived; I like my generous Brother's offer.

'Death! what damnable Stratagem is this against me?

How say you, Sir?

By Hecuba that's fine: I have been Conjunctim affronted by both, and divisim I must be reveng'd but on one.

The truth of it is, 'twas an unreasonable Motion, for why should we two stand idle whilst another less concern'd is employed?

We were the first entred the List, our Numbers too are equal; and we hope the Entreaties of these two Fair Ladies, will a while Muzzel this fierce Cavalier.

Sir, We beseech you, suspend your Revenge.

We beg you do it for our sakes.

How! my Honour will be out of Countenance to be a tame Spectator, while others fight in my Quarrel. But your Commands, La­dies, shall Charm me for a while.

But how if he should break his Charm while we are in our Duel?

On the Reputation of a Cavalier of Honour, I scorn it; my Word being past, I'm stronger bound than were I so by Magick; provi­ded, if either of my Foes survive, I may exchange a Passado with him.

Gentlemen, there's no Excuse now left; Come, let's begin.

Now, my Piracco, for another Stratagem.

Nay, do you find one out; 'tis your turn, I'm sure.

What do you Pause at?

I do not like that Guzman's Frown, he looks as if he would Assault us in our Rears.

Dastards! do my Looks fright you? By Mars then Judge, what my Toledo would. —

Faith, Gentlemen, you had best confess the Truth; and plainly say you have no Maw to fight.

If you have not, this way alone is left to save you: Declare before your Mistresses, that you resign them up to us▪

Pray, Madam, get a Clause in this Contract, to save my Right to you.

Resign our Mistresses! we'll sooner much resign our Lives.

Then all thoughts of Peace are vanish'd.

Since you will not lead, we'll make you drive.

We must yield, at present, to your Numbers.

'Death, ye Hares, and Aspin-Leaves, do you think thus to defraud me of the Reversion of my Duel?—

What Noise was this, my Daughters?

Madam, you call it right, for 'twas nothing else.

These two brave Strangers have so humbled the Ranting Oviedo and his Brother, that they are fled before the single Guzman.

Madam, they were unworthy our persuit, especially when to have followed them we must so long have lost the Honour of Waiting upon you.

By the Emperor of Trapezond, an Arrow out of a Parthian Bow, was but a Snail compared to them; yet I broach'd the Fugitives at the wrong End, and 'twas but Lex Talionis, both of them had a Fierk at each of my Haunches, and I have had a Fierk at each of theirs. Ha! are these two Knights of the Sun here Still? 'Slid, and a Third joined with them: Nay then, Ladies, your servant—These paultry two legged Race-Hor­ses have so long detained me from My more Important Affairs—

My generous Friends, how happy am I to hold you in my Arms again? there wanted this alone to perfect all my Joys.

Brave Francisco! what favourable Planet reigns, that we are now united after a Twelve-Months Separation?

Ah, dear Friend, we heard you were Cast away as you return'd from the Wars of Flanders; and wept for you more than a Hermite for his Sins.

I have mourned for you no less; for I was assured you both were kill'd at the Siege of the Busse.

Pray, my best Friend, who are these two Gentlemen?

Two the bravest Youths that e'er were born in Spain; but brought to great Distress by the ill Fate of their Father, which made them follow the Wars, where they have got Immortal Fame. Their good Meens you see; I assure you, Madam, their Valours, Civilities, Friendships and Good-natures, are more than equal to it.

Now Oracle, or never.

If these be those designed us, I'll believe Alcanzar is a good Angel, not a Conjurer; these are Men indeed.

Are you acquainted with these Ladies?

No, my worthy Friend, but I am with their Mother, and doubt not soon to be the like with them.

Daughters, Iulia shall tell you all has befell me on this happy Day, while I entertain these Gentlemen.

One of which is your Father-in-law.

Our Father in Law?

Yes, and deserves to be; Alcanzar is a most admirable Man— I'll tell you all.

Don Francisco, Gentlemen, he has given me such a high Character of you, that you may Command my House as freely as my self.

He is still too Partial to his Friends.

He told you, Madam, what he Wishes we were; not what we are.

Oh, Madam, had these two Gentlemen Estates answerable to their Merits, how happy would your two Daughters be to have such Husbands: for they are now the Objects of my Care as much as yours.

Let me, Sir, acquaint you with their Oracle apart.

You amaze me, 'twas a generous Act.

And such a one as does deserve her, though the Oracle had not foretold it.

Madam, I do not wish for a Rival, especially such a one as he I met with. But should your Beauty raise me a thousand; I would with all of them dispute the Glory who should serve you most.

The only Reason that induces me to believe it, is because you say it.

I wonder, Madam, that Piracco, who had the Courage to be your Servant, could want it so fight for you; would you admit me to that Noble Title, he that took it from me should take my Life with it.

Madam, if you dare take my Word, I know not any Gentleman, who would be less unworthy of it.

Sir, I dare take your Word for any thing; but since I am at my Mother's disposal, I must not admit of any Address but by her Consent.

If I procure it, may my Friend then hope for that Happiness?

I have always been obedient to her.

And I by this Fair-hand will ever be to you.

This Night I beg you there to be my Guests; till then I ask your Pardons.

At Five this Evening I'll bring the Holy Man to Ratifie our mu­tual Vows.

I shall then be ready in my own Chappel to perform my Promise; and I hope by them to give you Assurances, that your Concernments for your Friends have been trusted to a Successful Advocate: But 'tis high time I were pleading of their Causes.

Therefore we'll all retire.

What think you now, Daughters, of Alcanzar's Oracles?

Ours forbid us rich Fools and Cowards; so that Oviedo, Piracco and Guzman, are quite blotted out of our Kalendar.

But if the two generous Strangers be meant by the Oracle, sure you must have some Inclinations for them at first sight; I am by Nature your Confessor: Come, tell me.

Nay, I'll ask no more, your Blushes have an­swered

me; Well, leave your Fortunes to my Management.

We cannot better trust them.

I always did what you command me now.

What a Miracle this Alcanzar is?

Dear, Madam, I beg your leave this day to go to him; I confess, at first, I fear'd he had been an Impostor, as almost every Conjurer is, but since he has so admirably told every one of you your Fates, it has raised in me a kind of Longing (tho I protest I am not with child) to learn from him mine; though, I doubt, I was born under some niggardly Planet.

Well! Iulia, till Five this Afternoon, I make you Mistress of your self.—'Tis time for us to walk in. Pastrana, you'll order my Steward to prepare a Feast.

Madam, I will.

And you, Antonia, must send to have the Musick.

I will not fail.

If I should get a Husband too, 'twould make you laugh.

Perhaps 'twould be more than he would have Cause to do.

THey'll never see us more.

Hang them, if they would, I would never see them again; set Bravoes on us! Yet nothing vexes me so much, but that under the Countenance of two Men of War, that Cock-boat▪ Guz. should offer to board us; had I not thought it had been the two Frigates which gave us chace, I would have tack'd about, and boar'd him through the Beak, as last Night I did through the Poop.

I could not chuse but laugh, mauger our Disaster, to see what a Caracole he made when you fac'd about, (which made him do the like) and saw he was not seconded: For then Ill news never flew so fast as he. But we may with ease digest the loss of these Mistresses, having seen those fresher Beauties, which our Faithful Guivarro and Alvares brought us ac­quainted with.

Yes, my Piracco, those are Miracles of Beauty, and their Humors too are full as Captivating; besides, they are of Noble Birth and Poor, all the Ingredients to compose fit Wives for us.

Nay, more! They have promised us to assist in our Revenges on our Uncles.

To that their own Resentments oblige them: For 'tis an Affront to Beauty to have Age Court it. But this is the Hour and Place our Con­fidents promised to bring them out to walk; and that their Sister, Tire­letta, should instruct us how to be prosperous—Oh, here they come.

Are all things ready?

Yes, Madam, and the Priest too: You ne'er saw so Snug a young Theologian in your life, I wish they prove not jealous of him.

He has the Matrimonial-Spell by Heart, and is as ready at it as I am for a good Husband.

You both must then march off: The hour of your assign'd Rendez­vouz draws nigh; observe punctually all we have ordered you.

We'll but run in, and take our Ghostly Father with us—

They are yours, my Sister Vows, if you pursue your Point imme­diately, else all is lost, for the two Rich Husbands I told you of will be offered 'em within this hour.

Happiest of all News: Madam, here are now before you two, who from your Lips expect their Lives or Deaths.

Two that take delight to live, but in hopes to be yours.

What can your Ladiships more expect in Husbands than you shall meet with in these two Lords?

I know my Sister has oft told your Ladiships their Merits, brave Descent, and mighty Wealth; and now they swear their Loves to you in Looks and Accents above Art to imitate: What then can make the stop?

But what if they should Love elsewhere? There are such Persons as Pastrana and Antonia in the World.

Will instant Marriage satisfie you that those Tales are groundless?

Madam, Sure you should believe a Demonstration more than idle Talk.

Now, Madam, if you refuse, it must be from Aversion only.

That I dare abjure, both for my Sister and my self—But such hasty Marriages—

Yes, yes; 'tis that which now sticks most with me.

What pretty Nicities does Modesty consist of? Delay, where Love is real, is the greatest Curse in it.

'Tis for State-marriages to be long in Treaty, where Solemnities are by the People look'd on as Essentials; but the Progress which true Love does make, is quick and active as his Flames.

Sister! what shall we say to this?

I think, Silence is our best Answer.

And the happiest we can wish for, that's Consent, which thus low we humbly thank you for.

Now let us Wait on you to your Lodgings, and there put our selves past the power of Misery.

Send for a Priest immediately.

I will, and when y'are Wed, go both with your fair Ladies, and Triumph over Pastrana and Antonia.

We will; thank you for minding us of it.

We'll attend you there, to prevent what their Anger at it may dictate to them—

SO, I am glad you have brought the Priest; where have you quartered him?

E'en where he desired to be, in your Library of Ribadavia Bottles.

Take heed he does not turn over so many of those Volumes, as may make his Head giddy when we need him.

No, no, he's a very regular Student, he never dozes himself with that sort of Reading, until it be Bed-time: But what if Guzman should not come?

No Hawk that's sharp set will be more coming than he, having flung out such a Lure to him as I have done.—

Away, that's he, I warrant you; send the Boy to open the Door, then let him act his part behind it▪ as I directed. —If I Conjure well,

This last time, I shall need no longer to follow the Trade.

Great Alcanzar, you little think that I am studying Magick: But by the Celestial Globe I am; and I can give you pregnant Proofs of it.

Strong Proofs, I believe, you look so like a Conjurer.

Come, come; no dissembling with one of your own Fraternity —Are not you to have a very fair and rich young Gentlewoman this day come hither to consult your Art; The first Letter of whose Name is Iulia?

You amaze me.

No, no, alas! I do not look like a Conjurer—but to amaze you worse; are not you to give a favourable Oracle to her, in Francisco's behalf? Ha! what think you now? Do not I deserve to be your young­est Brother, at least, in the Black-Art? These Truths make you Speechless.

No; But since Francisco has betray'd himself, and bely'd me; I'll use him as he deserves, and prove my self an honest Man: Yes, the Lady you speak of is now here, but so Fair and Rich, that did my Profession allow of Wedlock, I my self would marry her; 'tis true, he got her to come hither, and would have brib'd me to have feign'd an Oracle to his Advantage: But what my Justice made me Scorn to do for him, my Re­venge provokes me to do for you.

By the Antartick Pole, you are the best of Conjurers; that you now so worthily offer me, is, what I came about; though I made that Coxcomb, Francisco, get me your leave to wait on you, under a Pretence of being made Tuck-proof, as well as Shot-proof; which latter, (by the way) had I chose at first, these poor Haunches of mine had not been so miserably carbinado'd as they are.

But we must lose no time, for Francisco will be instantly running hither to learn the Event of his Hopes: Yet e'er I go about acting yours, you shall faithfully promise before a Priest, That you will settle on her a Thousand Pistols a Year Jointure, in return of Which, I'll engage after you are Wed, to get her Friend's Approbation for you.

By Hymen's Saffron-Coat, I will; but where shall I get a Priest to depose me?

I have one, nearer than you imagine; for to conceal nothing from you, Francisco has sent one hither, that if he meets with Success, he may clap up a Marriage. You must think so much Beauty and Wealth can't be long hid, nor he be without Throngs of Rivals.

By the Great Mufty, has the Rogue, Francisco, got a little Sacerdos cut and dry'd for his turn? This must be some Hireling Joiner of Hands; and therefore will serve me for larger pay, which by Midas I'll give him, and so Plow with his own Ox: But dear Alcanzar give me a Spell to preserve my Sides, when I shall see how like

an Ass he'll look to find that of his two Mistresses, I have got one by Resignation, and the other by Art: yet in meer pity I'll re­turn him the first, and leave him the Reversion of his own Chaplain, that by his help, he may make sure of my Leavings.

This Jest will make him be laugh'd out of his Country.

By Cabo bona Speranza, I hope so; else I would be loath to play him such a Slur; for he's a desperate Rogue.

But, Sir, take heed he does not Surprise us ere we have put things beyond his Recovery: Therefore do you walk there within sight, in the melancholy'st Postures you can fancy, while I call in the bright She that must make your Happiness; for whom I will invent an Oracle, for she is a Stranger, and will take what I shall speak, to be as Authentick, as if it had been pronounced from the Tripos by the Inspir'd Virgin. Then when I call you, make your Approaches and your Compliments to her, and leave me to perfect the rest.

By Venus's blind Son, this shall be worth thee a Thousand Crowns; well, thus I put my self into my Saturnine March—

Ah, she makes my Teeth Water as fast as the Thespian Spring: By Gallileus, were I not afraid of Alcanzar, I would make a Circle about her with these Arms.

'Tis Francisco sure.

Good Alcanzar, hide me in a Cloud till this

Storm is over.

What out of your sad Posture already?

I know not what posture I am out of, but I am sure my Heart is in a sad one; you may feel how the poor thing Labours.

'Slid, if your Mistress see you such a Coward, a true Oracle will not perswade her to take you; go and Court her, while I endeavour to perswade, or fright away Francisco: Why do you not go?

I do not find I am in a Courting Humour now; but were Fran­cisco gone—

Go I say, the influence of her Eyes will thaw the Ice about thy Heart.

Think you so? By the Torrid Zone, I'll try then.

Fair Lady, I believe you are come hither to consult the Oracle: I am come on the same Errand too; but I find you can pronounce a hap­pier one for me than the Fam'd Alcanzar can; for would you accept me for your Servant, By Mount Atlas 'twere past the power of Fate to shake me; my Negromancer told me true, my Qualm is vanish'd.

Who are you that you so loudly Knock?

I am Francisco, Great Alcanzar, let me in.

'Tis he, and I am Ruin'd.

What ayls you Sir, you Tremble?

Only the Relicks of an Ague Madam, that gives me now and then such Shiverings: I have sometimes twenty of them in thirty Mi­nutes.

I'm Busie now, but an Hour hence I will admit you; let that suf­fice.

False Negromancer, thou thinkst I do not know thee; Treache­cherous Guzman is now Courting my Fair Iulia: Let me in, or I'll force my way, and quench my Anger in his Frozen Blood.

Ah, what a mortal Fit assaults me now!

Help, help, help, he Dies!

Then with this Magick Wan I Charm thee hence. I wish he be not Dead indeed: Rub his Tem­ples

well, and bow his Body: So he begins to Breath: How do ye Noble Sir?

Is he gone?

Yes yes, I sent him packing with my Magick Wan.

But are you sure of it, and that the Door is well Bolted; I mean tripple Barr'd?

All is safe as Art can make it.

Proceed Oraculous Alcanzar, taking all that has past, for a Parenthesis.

Was there ever such a Proteus? How oft he changes Shapes, and in a trice?

Sir, a Lady whom I Reverence as my Mother, has sent me to you to learn my Fate; and I'm engag'd by vow, to follow what e'er you shall direct me.

This was that Rogue Francisco's Plot for himself, but I'll catch her with his own Noose.

Madam, nothing can be more clear than this Oracle.

And nothing shall be more punctual than my Obedience to it.

Ah! my pretty Mistress given me by the Planets! how I long—

Soft Sir! you shall not touch her till the promis'd Jointure be Sworn to before the Priest and me; and till by Sacred Wedlock he has join'd your Hands: Nor in troth till I have my Bond for my thousand Crowns.

Well since I am restrain'd a while from doing, I'll ferk it with thinking; but if the Domne should Stutter and thereby lengthen the words which must unite us, by Caput Allgol, I'll cut out his Neats Tongue for it.

Come, let's hasten to him, and fear not; for you will find he has a most compendious way of clapping up Matrimony.

ACT V. The New Flat Scene.

NOw you believe me a Man of my Word; you shall still find me no Trifler.

I hope the reality of my Intentions, are now Confirm'd to you by the Holy Priest.

Reverend Sirs—

What, call Bride-grooms Reverend?

Keep Reverend for those of your own Coat.

Forgive me, I pray, I meant not to Offend; 'twas an Appella­tion I thought suitable to Men of your ripe Years: But all that I had to say, was to renew my humble Thanks for the Pardons you gave me, that I staid till it was an hour in the Night, tho 'twas for two Licenses to Marry you, which I could not get; as also to remember you, that as it was by your Command that I Married you without License, so I hope you will keep your words in standing betwixt me and the Thunder of the Church.

Have we not said we would?

Your Ordinary is a Reverend Friend of ours; and when we assure him 'twas not done in Contempt, nor Schismatically, we know his good­ness will forgive it.

I am sensible 'twas a most irregular Action, and therefore must shelter my self under your Wings till I have my Absolution.

I am considering which is the shortest cut to our Houses.

'Tis by that Range of the Piazza that Leonora's House stands in, and at least a quarter of a Mile the nearest way, which this Night 'tis good Husbandry to save.

Since you are sure of it, pray be our Guide.

Follow me then.

Pray Sir Excuse us from that Visit.

Not for all Salamanca. What have you so soon forgot your Vow in the Chappel, of Serving and Obeying?

But on the Wedding-day the Husbands should wait.

So we will on you to Leonora's; we would not lose our Triumphs over Pastrana and Antonia for half our Fortunes; that Affront too, will cure all the Relicks of your Jealousies, if any should be left.

When they see what lovely Wives we have got, 'twill make 'em so pine away with Envy, that they will lose all their Servants.

Therefore I would not go, I hate to be Malicious.

But you should love to Embrace your Husbands Concernments as your own; and we owe them an ill Turn for intending to hire Bravo's to Affront us.

And this is the lowest we can pay them for it.

Sister, Let's Struggle then no more, but by our Obedience even on the Wedding-day, teach Wives new Modes to please their Husbands.

But alas, how many will Curse us for Infringing such old Prero­gatives? yet since you'll go, I'll follow your Example.

Now you Conquer us with Kindness.

While you are putting on your Veils, I'll order your Coaches to be made ready.

I hope by that time we return, our two new Aunts will have plaid the Comedy we taught 'em.

How I long to be certain of it!

I Protest, my dearest Friend, I'm as much satisfied that I have pleas'd you in Marrying my Daughters to your two Noble Friends, as that I have dispos'd of them as the Oracle Directed.

Madam, as you give me new causes of Gratitude, would you would give me too new means to evidence the greatness of mine: But, Madam, now that the Holy Priest has ty'd the Sacred Tripple Knot, which the hand of Death alone can loose, I must Conceal nothing from you nor my fair Daughters in Law.

What does our new Father-in-Law mean?

I cannot imagin.

We could tell you as well as he, but we'll not Usurp his Pro­vince.

The Truth is Madam, these two Gentlemen you call my Friends, are my two Elder Brothers.

Your Elder Brothers!

And Iulia, your Favourite-Maid, is our Sister.

Stranger yet!

Nay, you shall have all out; by my troth, Madam, I am Alcanzar.

Alcanzar!

Alcanzar!

Alcanzar!

Yes, and by this Light, a better Conjurer than ever Salamanca bred; none of those pretend to more than to tell you what is to come; but I told you that, and acted it too: 'Tis a new Art, and far exceeds all ordinary Magick. The Vestal Virgins which from the Tripos did Pro­nounce my Oracles, were my two Sisters, Maria and Lucia, drest like good Spirits: The two Ruffians, which made as if they would have Ra­vish'd you, were your two new Sons-in-Law; and the Knight Errant which so valiantly Rescu'd the Lady in Distress, is your kind Husband Franci­sco.

O Heavens! are we Cheated then?

Finely Cheated, since 'tis into good Husbands: For such by all that's good, you shall still find us; you wanted Honest Proper Men, and we wanted Rich and Handsom Wives: Consider then, what in all Conscience could both Parties desire better than what my Astrology has brought about.

To speak the truth, there's nothing troubles me, but that I should be defrauded into what I like.

Those Wives are happy that are not Defrauded after they are Married.

And did you join in this Conspiracy?

Join in it? Yes, my pretty half of my self, and contriv'd my part of it too.

I thought I had taken him to whom my Stars design'd me.

Thou hast done better, pretty Flesh of my Flesh, thou hast taken him that Heaven design'd for thee, for their Marriages thou knowest are made: Stars, are wandring things, ne'er mind 'em.

But I hope you are Gentlemen by Birth.

Yes, on my Life, we are.

This revies me to know you are so Nobly Born and Bred; so that I am fully Satisfied.

And I.

And I.

Nay, if you are satisfied already, judge what you will be by to Morrow Morning.

But what's become of Iulia? the hour for her return is long since out.

I must beg her Pardon for a while; but I'm sure she'll be here im­mediately, and her Husband too.

Her Husband! who's that?

E'en Don Guzman his own sweet self; but I was forc'd to be Al­canzar again, and Conjure to get her for him: That History is pleasant, but now too long to be Related; you shall hear it at large in some more seasonable Hour.

We were the two Gentlemen brought to Distress, which were to make your Happiness; you shall within these few Hours, find the Oracle most True.

We should be the basest Rogues in Nature, if we did not make good our own Prophecies.

Now we are come hither, keep thy word, and tell me, my pretty little Conqueress, why thou didst tye me to this Visit, for by Aedipus, I cannot of my self Unriddle it.

Only to bring you Acquainted with your new Kindred; these three Gentlemen are my Brothers, and these three Ladies are my Sisters in Law.

Hey day! by Hocus pocus, the small Perecranium of my little Spouse, is Crack'd; the joy of being Married to me, has turn'd topsy tur­vy all the Pap in her Skull: Why, by Gog and Magog, these three are Leonora, Pastrana and Antonia, and those the two St. George's that were my Seconds against Don Edo. (For since he turn'd his Breech upon me, I will call him by the Reer of his Name:) And Don Piracco the Defunct, for so I'll make him: But who this third Knight of glittering Cloaths is, by Sagittari­us and Aquarius too, I know not.

Sir, since you call the Lady you Lead, your Wife, you must give me leave to call you my Brother, for she is my Sister.

By Ursa Major, I begin to imagin this is a Second Astrological Cabinet; your Name I pray Sir?

My Names are Don Francisco de Alcanzar.

Are you any thing of kin to Alcanzar the Fam'd Astrologer? Methinks by your Sir-Name you should be.

So near a-kin as he is to himself, which you would soon acknowledge were this my Conjuring Perewig on, my Gown girt

about me, and my Magical Wan in my hand, with which I made you Shot-free for 500 Crowns, and my self too for the like Sum, the better to serve you as your Second, against Don Ove, that broke his Leg, yet an Hour after, out-run you, and Tuck'd you, you know where. Do you know me by all these Signs? By the Zo­diack, methinks you should.

By the Bucentaur of Venice, Francisco and Alcanzar are Incorpora­ted; twas not my small Spouse that was Mad, but I Well, I am Gull'd, yet I'll bravely bear it; by Agamemnon, I will. But Brother Francisco de Alcanzar, I hope your Sister has been Chaster than she's Rich; that is, that she is a Maid.

I dare swear she is as good a one as your Father and your Mother were e'er they lay together.

Is she not a better? For I know not what Pranks they plaid, e'er they Danc'd in one pair of Sheets.

Nay, on my Conscience, they were both Maids when they were Married, else they could not have got so wise a Son: But I beg your Par­don, I must be gone.

Whether in such haste?

I must run to Alcanzar to buy a Spell to keep my Sides together, to see how like an Ass Guzman will look, when he finds I have Plow'd with his Ox.

Nay, by Caligula, this is down right Tyranny, abuse thy Bro­ther; come give me a Portion, and by Damian and Pythias, wee'll be Friends.

A Portion! why thou hast a double one; Beauty and Maiden-head.

Make me but as sure of the last as I am of the first, and hang Portion, I need it not.

By Alcanzar's Astrological Cabinet, if you doubt my Virginity I'll make Aries and Capricorn the Ascendant Signs of thy Fore­head; by the Great Cham of Tartaria, I will, and let me see who dares say me nay.

How now my little Amazonian Thelestris, in Arms already? by Semiramis, I have gotten a Virago in Petticoats.

Now judge if she were like to commit Fornication with any Body, that is so ready to buffet no less than her Husband but for naming of it.

Come, my Artemizia of Hely-carnassus, by Ioves Lady I'll never be Jealous of thee.

If you be, I'll Cure you of it, by Taurus.

Since Peace is thus concluded, though I cannot give you a Porti­on [Page 50] of a thousand Crowns; yet I forgive you a Debt of that Sum: There's your Bond.—

Content to receive a Thousand Crowns with a Wife, or to be paid a Thousand by one, is as broad as long.

Why do you start?

Do not you see the two Bravoes there?

No matter, Guivarro and Alvares promis'd to meet us here, and they never break their Words: Should our Antagonists begin a Quarrel, we deserv'd to be beaten, if we cannot hinder it from Extremity, till our Au­xiliaries come, and then we may safely bear up to 'em—Ladies we come to bring our Wives to be acquainted with you.

We wish you Joy of them.

That Wish is needless, their Beauties give us it.

Stick to me bravely, and then by Tomumbei­us

of Aegypt, have at them. Will none of you Assist me? None of you dare Second

me? —

What do you mean? Sure you do not know them?

Not know them! By Numa Pompilius, these are my two Back-biters.

I thought how well you knew them, I say they are your Brothers-in-Law.

By Naso's Metamorphosis, this is admirable.

Do you not see your Lady and their two Wives kiss and embrace like Sisters? Separate your self a little from the Company, and I'll ac­quaint you with all.

You tell me Wonders, Guiv. and Alva. are married to Pastrana and Antonia? and our two Wives, your two Sisters?

'Tis most certain!

When we had the good Fortune to save you from the four Bravoes, your Gratitudes invited us by large Pensions to be your Attendants; and though our Wants made us comply, yet we are, at least, of equal Birth to yours, though the Frowns of Chance robb'd us of all our Fortunes; but we dare say, bating what the World calls Portions, you are not unequally married.

The Ambition of being ally'd to you, engag'd us in all those Arts, which we have practis'd to attain it.

For my part, I rejoice that we are married to the Sisters of those whose Brothers saved our lives.

Portions are but the Invention of Gown-men: a meer Trick to in­hance the price of Drawing, and of Engrossing Settlements. I could ne­ver see a Reason why a Man should pay Mony to lie with a dishonest Woman, and receive Mony to lie with an honest One.

I would fain hear the most Learned of all the Long-Robe answer what Piracco now has said.

Believ't, 'tis unanswerable: But, Sir, I have an humble Suit to you; 'tis that you two and Don Guzman will be friends: there's Reason for it now, since you are Brothers-in-Law.

How so?

He's married to our younger Sister, Iulia.

Nay, then it must be: For since Women can quench Love, 'tis but just they should also quench Hate.

Come, they wait for your advance; the'll meet you above half way.

Else, by Lucifer, I will not stir one foot.

You see they are coming.

Nay then, by the Pleiades, I cannot be Ill-natur'd on my Wed­ding-day.—

In that Embrace, let all past Quarrels be forgiven and forgotten.

Forgiven, If you will; but by Lethe, they cannot be forgotten, till the two Fontenels they have made me here are siccatriz'd.

What Noise is that?

Oh, Madam, a couple of old Gentlemen with Spectacles on their Noses, leading home their Daughters and attended only by their Chaplain, are assaulted at the Door by three drunken Students, and there are none to rescue them.—

Alvares and Francisco, let us three go and help them. 'Tis an af­front to the House to have such Violence offer'd under the Walls of it.

Away, away; lose no time.

What if these should be our two Reverend Uncles coming from Matrimony?

Nay, 'tis three to one they are they, with their two Wives and their Priest.

What does Reverend Age do abroad at this hour of the Night, especially with Wenches? 'Death, they deserve not to be rescued; for my part, I abjure the doing of it.

When they come in, let's upbraid them for Whoring.

Content, and let's engage Pastrana, Antonia and Guzman, to re­prove them severely for it; 'twil heighten the Farse.

I'll go and perswade them to second us, and do you make our Wives cover their Faces, till they have the Watch-word.

Leave me to my part, and go about your own.

Well! we will Vail our selves; if it be

they, until we have our Cue given us.

I am glad of it, else, though they had been our Fathers, we should have burst out a Laughing in their Faces.

The Rascals fled as soon as they but saw our Swords.

Gentlemen, we owe you our Lives, and these Ladies their Honors

By this Light our two Uncles!

Ah, Uncles! I little thought you would turn Wenchers, and be Rambling at this unseasonable hour of the Night, to follow your Game.

Fie, why should you, to save Charges, be your own Caterers? were you ne'er so Cock-a-hoop, you might have had an old She Adjutant in a Minute, to have brought to your own Houses these natural Julips.

By Hyems, this is a strange sinful Age, that old Men, which have each of 'em one Foot in the Grave, should be running on both Feet, and in Cemerian Darkness too, after their Fornication; you that by your Age, wrizl'd Faces, and Silver Hair, should be Solon's and Lycurgus's, to turn Ara­tin's and Agrepina's; I am asham'd of it.

Are you all Mad? These two are not our Wenches, but our Wives.

Why do you stare thus?

Alas, Uncles! this way of Lying is worse than to do it with Wenches.

Indeed, Sir, the Excuse is as bad as the Fault: Men of your Years to marry Girls, it is two to one they give you an incurable Head-Ach.

Married! 'tis impossible? Alas, what have your Nephews done to affront you, that you should thus chuse to disinherit them, only to make your Wives Children your Heirs?

Married, said you? to whom?

I am to Maria.

And I to Lucia; and this is the holy Priest, that not an hour since did Join our Hands.

Maria and Lucia! Why, those are the Names of our Wives.

A hundred several Women, may have one Name, but these two are our Wives; nor are we asham'd to shew you their Faces: Pray take off your Masks.

We own them for your Aunts.

What's this? Fernando we are betray'd and cheated.

I am turn'd a Statue—

In the Name of Wonder, what are ye?

Your Donship's Ladies, as well can testifie this faithful little Levite.

Our Names are Tireletta and Tirelesa, we were Maids to Maria and Lucia; but now for want of better, their Ladiships Aunts.

By Copernicus, Conjuring Names, and Jugling Faces; this comes of making Love with Spectacles; by Cassandra's Prophesies, considering how Ante-Eagle-Ey'd these Old Fellows are, 'twas well they light upon two of the right Sex; and not upon two Patriarchs, with fork'd Swallow-tail'd­Beards, that reach'd to their Navels; for if they had, this Ambulatory young Elder, would, for double pay, have married them as cheerfully to those Magi—and to these two Cockatrices.

Undone for ever, and past hope too, of Redemption.

Ah, Salazar! To live till Eighty, in the repute of wise and honest Men, and then to act this Folly; I hope the Grief of it will fling me in my Grave.

That's the only hope that's left me too.

By Actaeon, you have reason; for 'tis better to be six Foot lower than the Surface of the Earth, than six Foot higher than the Crown of your Heads: For so tall I Prophesie they'll graft your Noddles.

Make room for me, I cannot see two Uncles to my Sisters in such torment, and not give 'em ease; tell me, Gentlemen! would your being unmarried cure your Griefs?

O, Sir! Do not you mock us too?

Heap not Scorn on Affliction!

By my Life, I am in earnest. Will you give your present Wives Five hundred Crowns apiece to get other Husbands with, and their Hous­hold Chaplain a Hundred more, to buy Books, a Cassock, and a Gown, if I make good what I have spoken?

Would we? Yes, as willing as Sick Men would be well.

Alas! you talk of Impossibilities.

Bind your selves by Vow before all this Company, and I'll instant­ly perform what I have said.

We Vow it, before all these Witnesses.

Then thus I make your Marriages Null.

I gest this was my Sister's Laundress.

I only mumbl'd over some few words, which I made them take for Matrimony.

You have relieved us Sir, from Pains, which would have kill'd us in two Hours.

Our Debts to them we'll pay to night, as we have promised; but those we owe you, can ne'er be satisfied.

By Craesus, what a Mass of Mony might be raised among the Hus­bands of a Years standing, could Francisco inable them to prove, that every one of them had been so married?

Take heed you do not in six Months wish he could do it for you too.

Since all our storms are thus happily over-blown, 'tis fit we now should rest; this Night ye are all my Guests.

By Hercules's Labors, who e'er but names the world Rest among so many Brides and Bride-Grooms, Affronts the Company. Why, the two grave Uncles yonder, had they not been divorc'd, would by way of Indig­nation, have spit in the very Face of that dull Mono-syllable.