I Philip Herbert of the Tilte-yard, in the County of Saint James's Parke, lying very sick and weak.

‘My Lord’ quoth he, ‘you should have begun ‘in the Name of God.’’

Damme you Rogue, why do you Interupt me? is't not too late to begin with him now? I han't spoke with him ne're since I used to sing Psalmes in the Kings Chappel, some eight years agoe, and dost thinke he has not other things to think on besides my businesse, I ne're medled with his Will, and why should he have any hand in mine; Mr. Spea­ker knows, I have more mind to make him my Executor (or the Devil take me else) I promised him so when he got me into the House of Commons; and besides, Mr. Speaker has reason to love me better then he, because he knows me better; the Parliament would count me a Cockscomb to forsake them at last cast, and give my Meanes to one that I shall never see for ought I know: Mihill I thought th' hadst had more wit then to perswade me to any thing but what I am bound to by Act of Parliament, and I am sure there's ne're a such a word in any of them by my consent, or ever shall be; therefore pray hold your tongue and let me speake my own purpose, and do you write it down, right or wrong; when you lye a dying (as I do) if you'le teach me to Write, Ile do your will to your mind.

But yet in perfect health and memory do make and (pox confound these hard words) prostitute this my last Will and Testament, and hereby doe invoke and make voide all other Gifts, (the Devil a one I remember) Grants, Conveyances (and mine were never cleanly ones, for when I jug­led my self out of one House intoth' tother, all the Towne tooke notice of my shuffling under board) Wils and Testaments whatsoever.

[...]me [...], my Lord, you must say Former Wils.

Why did I ever lye a dying a [...]e you foole you? won't one Will [Page] serve turn; you woo'd have me hang'd for making a new Letanie of re­pealed wils and Testaments; woo'd ye?

I give and bequeath my best pack of dogs—

My Lord, do you remember what to do with your soul and body first?

Vengeance dam ye for a confounded Cur, I could find in my heart to dash a pispot in your ugly face; so ye'd serve me an I were at praiers, but I'le see ye hang'd before I'le try ye: Can I tel who shal have my body or soul either? Have I been Master of my self e're since I was born? Did not I pawn my soul and salvation too, long since to the King (though I ne're hop'd to redeem it) when I was made his turn key? And did not the Parlia­ment get it out on's cluches into their paws, e're they would make me their Potter to carry Packets of Propositions to, and again? They may do what they wil with't; for my part, I ne're made much use on't, because I ne're knew wel what it was: For my body, I mean to keep it my self as long as I can, I'le give every thing else away to the Devil himself, rather then part with my Carcasse; I'me sure my Confectionarie's Bill t'other day came to 100 l. and I'de fain fatten my kidneys with those sweet meats before I die, for fear they grow mouldy: I have no mind to feed upon gravel yet; an' my conscience the pigmies do, and that makes them such dwarfs: I'de ra­ther go to hel, or purgatory, where there's room enough for a coach and six horses to turn, then be mew'd up under ground, where a man cannot swing and Cat; but prethee hold thy tongue, and let's mind our businesse, for I shan't die in quiet, til I see my dogs provided for.

My best pack of dogs to Oliver Cromwel, for he keeps bloud hounds so wel flesh'd and fierce, they're able to tear out the Devils throat: I won­der what he feeds with them, now ox livers are so dear.

Item, I bequeath two couple of my best spaniels to my Lord of Denbigh, for hee'l stand gazing like a moap'd Buzzard, and gape wide enough for a Hawk to shit in's mouth, whil'st a Partridge is upon replinie: stoo bird, stoo bird, O 'tis gallant game; I wonder whether there be any Haws in Hel; an' I thought there were not, I'de send half a score thither a mewing by Tom my Faulkner against I come, I shall ne're endure to be idle there.

You left at There, my Lord.

There rogue, what shall I do without thee there? Thou must needs make me a speech to carry I' my pocket, I'le con't by the way; they say the De­vil's a good Scholar, he hope Harry Martin to answer the Scots papers, and make the Declaration of Non-Addresses to His Majestie: They say his Se­cretarie pen'd that pithy Oration that Bradshaw made before the sentence: Hang't, I shall ne're come off, without thou promptst me, hee'l dash me out a countenance, because he speaks Latin; just as he does the poor rogues that cannot reade their neck-verse before my Lord Judge:—Confound me, if he angers me too much, I'le swear his house about's ears, if I can but get my Lord Generals passe to run back again; if he denies that, I'de best take a file of musketeers we' me, and bring him before the Councel of W [...], to answer the contempt: But come, dispatch Mihil, prethee write on, thou [...]rt so tedious, I doubt I shall not get this Will ingrossed time e­nough [Page] to take a Copy out we' me; for I mean to sue my Executers there for non performance, if I can entertain Mr Chute, or Mr Whitlock, for my Councel, and Sergeant Wild shall have the hearing of the cause; hee'l be sure to hang 'um o' my conscience, 'un he take 'um tardy there, because 'tis a bigger Court of Justice then ours in Westminster Hall.

Item, I give Badger, my best stone horse (plague take him, for he threw me two damnable squelshes one Saint George's day, I ne're daw'd it since) to Colonel Henry Martin; he has hors'd me above a 100 coach-mares in's time; he has some pith in's back stil, you may see by his frothing and blun­dring, when sees a handsom Beast; he leaps nimbly stil, but he comes off basely, because of an old wrinch he got with straining too hard in jumping upon a great Flanders jade, too ful buttock'd for him, and upon a bank­side too.

Item, I give and bequeath my Tenor, my Base, and my Treble, and all my Horns, to my wel-beloved Son and Heir, Philip Lord Herbert; his Wife can teach him to wind them, or the pox take her, for the French man has been her Tutor long enough; I lov'd the musick wel, but I could never endure to were 'um, they made me look so like a sow-gelder.

Item, I give and bequeath my best lacing boots to Mr Speaker (rot on 'um, I never wore 'um, but men thought I had got the gout for the spavin; they'l ne're suspect him, because he limps o'th' toe side like a Craw-fish.

Item, I give and bequeath my rich Sedan—woons, I'de fain be rid on't, because they carried the King to triall in't; I ne're sate in't since, but I was ready to beshit my self for fear; an' I could but think of any body the Devil ows a spight to, to betray him for a Traitor, he should ha't; 't may be my Lord Say wil thank me for't: Set him down in't, for he loves to take; ease wel.

Item, I give and bequeath my new trusse of points—hart, the rogues took me for a morris-dancer in a morning before I was truss'd, when they came to crosse capers, and dance attendance before my honourable Wor­ship: I'de best give them to Mr Selden to keep's codpice close; hee'l wear 'um for antick fashion sake; he shall have Tib, my gray mare too; the Coun­tesse of Kent knows hee'l stride an old gal'd jade so gently, that shee'l ne're wince at it; I cou'd find I my heart to give him her crupper too, for she casts forward damnably: Set him down for a mounter.

Item, I give and bequeath my great gaudy Coach (wood't had been bur­ned for me, when I set foot in't; I'le take my death on't, I thought the Devil had been in't, and his dam too, when I and my Lady Crompton rid in't last, it rumbled our rotten bones together like dice in a jugling box; dam 'um 'twas as bad as are of these confounded Strapadoes; pox on't, an' I had ne're hunted baudy houses, I might have rid honestly up Holborn hil with­out any danger, but it made me tremble like a rogue as I was, to think on't, how the Traitors that ride that way are mangled, when they came at Ty­burn; and I was never so fraid but my quarters woo'd have been shoke off before I came to Hide Park corner; I'de best giv't) to my Lord Grey of Groby; for hee's fain to make use of a Hackney stil to save charges, when's Lady rides a ranting, let him take't with a pox to him, for I have enough [Page] on't, more then e're I shall well claw of.

Item, I give and bequeath my great gilt Bible; Fool-scratch 'um, the puppies took me for a Puritan; and—judge me, may I nere stir if I had not rather hear Bulstrode Whitlocks Declarations read 100 times, then one of Paul Knels Sermon of execration against Rebels, because I sumbled over the leaves, as if I meant to find the Text, though I nere knew a figure from a frying pan; I could stare Caryl i'th' face upon a Fast day (like an Owl as I was) til the Gander was ready to be cackle himself for fear I should put him out on's parrating: Tis a terrible villain sometimes, for hee'l make a Church roar of damnation as bad as a Popes Bull, hee'l so be labour a poor innocent cushion, as if he meant to beat the brains out about's ears, as he rears up against the pillar—yet sometime hee'l give's a great deal of comfort, when he has terrified us a matter of two hours together with a thundring story of Cromwel's plaguy deliverances, and murdered our memo­ries with his morter-peece of destruction to Monarchy; then he begins to bleat peaceably towards dinner time; O tis a cunning colt, he knows how to kick us out of good manners, and make's whihy again to hear him claw into conceit with our own mischiefs; I had best give him this Bible, hee'l preach nothing but Acts of Parliament, and Judge Advocate Orders out on't, to strengthen the hearts of the couragious Councel of War, that they may confidently condemn the rogues without the least scruple of scurvy conscience: Set him down for a Book-banger.

Item, I give and bequeath my best Cloake and George; vengeance of all ill luck: and wear't any longer, the bloud thirsty will go nigh to take me for a Tyrant (as fierce a one as ere stood in Smithfield pens) and fix me for a blazing star in the fore head of the Firmament for the world to wonder at, how the Devil I came there against my will; for they knew I nere lov'd climbing (a rope fetch me if ere I did, so I did not) if I had, I had nere been chosen Knight of Barkshire by some twenty of my vain­glorious Tenants and Servants, that thirsted to do their Lord an honour; on my conscience tis dangerous to be Knighted too by these flashing blades, for fear a mans head should fall into's codpice; I could nere endure to see a sword drawn, since I was beaten with my own hilts by a Butchers boy cros­sing the kennel, because I, like a great Calf, must needs call him tallow­beard, though his face was as bald as my own pate: an I though they would not hang thee in it for a counterfeit, thou shouldst have my Ribbon and George, 'twas my Porters armes, or I had nere been known to sit at the re­ceipt of custom in the Parliament House, and carry tickets to and fro be­tween party and party; a louse in the pot, Mihil, is better then no flesh; a Porters place in the Custom House will be good preferment for an old Parliament man, in the raign of a new Representative: I alwaies liked the conceit o'th' Emblem, more then th'honour on't (for that never fitted my humour) it looks fiercely, but when ye come to touch it, tis as tame as a dotterill: And besides ye know, when I am on horsback, I oose as little mo­tion as may be; on my conscience they'l go nigh to take't for my Lord Gene­rals picture, if thou layest it on a bow knot in thy bosom; for hee's a man of a meek temper, or else he would never let Cromwel rule the rost, while he [Page] turns the spit, and you know your Cooks are fiery fellows. I'le give my Cloake to Sir Henry Vane, for 'twill cover more knavery then foolery; and in this time of turning things arse upwards, the badges of honour may well become distinguishing Characters of infamy, the star will illustrate all his contrivances; we had best leave off for this bout, for too much of one thing is good for nothing; I'me out of breath now, but I'le fall too't again too morrow, and give um all enough afore I have done with them, that they may pray for me, while I swear um all out of hell.