THE ANIMALL PARLIAMENT.
THe Soul called a Parliament in his Animal Kingdom, which Parliament consisteth of three parts, the Soul, the Body, and the Thoughts; which are Will, Imaginations, and Passions. The Soul is the King, the Nobility are the Spirits, the Commonalty are the Humours and Appetites. The Head is the upper House of Parliament, where at the upper end of the said House sits the Soul King, in a Kernel of the Braine, like to a Chaire of State by himselfe alone, and his Nobility round about him. The two Arch-Bishops, Admiration, and Adoration; the rest are, Apprehension, Resentment, and Astonishment. The Judges are the Five Senses, and the Wooll-sacks they sit on, are Sight, Sound, Sent, Tast, Touch. The Master of the Black Rod is Ignorance: understanding, the Lord Keeper, is alwayes Speaker. The Clerke that writes downe all, is Memory.
The lower House of Parliament is the Heart, the Knights and Burgesses are Passions, and Affections. The Speaker is Love. The Clerke that writes downe all, is Fear. The Serjeant is Dislike. The severall Writs that are sent out by this Parliament, are sent out by the Nerves into every part of this Animall Kingdom, and the Muscles execute the power and Authority of those Writs upon the Members of the Common-wealth. The lower House presents their Grievances, or their desires, to the upper House the Braine, by the Arteries.
When they were all set in order, and a dead silence through all the House, the King made a Speech to the Assembly after this manner following.
The Kings Speech.
THe reason why I called this Parliament is, not only to rectifie the riotous disorders made by Vanity, and to repeale the Lawes of erroneous opinions made in the minde, and to cut off the entayles of evil Consciences; but to raise Foure Subsidies of Justice, Prudence, Fortitude, and Temperance, whereby I may be able to defend you from the allurements of the World, as Riehes, Honour, and Beauty, and to beat out incroaching falshoods, which make inrodes, and doe carry away the innocency of Truth, and to quench the rebellion of superfluous words; but also to make and enact strict Lawes to a good Life, in which I make no question, but every one which are in my Parliament will be willing to consent, and be industrious thereunto: the rest I leave to my Keeper understanding, to informe you further of.
After the King had thus spoken, the Keeper made another Speech, as followeth.
The Lord Keepers Speech, who is Speaker.
YOu may know by the calling of this Parliament, not only the wisdome of our gracious King, in desiring your aide and assistance, in the beginning of danger, before the fire growes too violent for your help to quench out; but his love, and tender regard of your safety. Besides, he hath shewed the unwillingnesse he hath to oppresse, and burthen his good Subjects with heavie Taxes, before palpable necessity requires them: for he hath not called you upon suppositions and feares, but upon visible truths; neither was it Imprudence in staying so long, for it is as imprudent to disturbe a peaceable Common-wealth with doubts of what may come, as to be so negligent to let a threatning ruine run without opposition. Thus is our gracious Soveraigne wise in chusing his time, valiant in not fearing his enemies, carefull in calling the help and advice of his Parliament, and most bountifull, in that he requires not these Subsidies to spend in his particular delights, but for the good and benefit of the Common-wealth, and safety of his Subjects. Wherefore if any be obstinate in opposing, or seemes [Page 201] to murmure thereat, he is not worthy to be a Citizen thereof, and ought to be cast out as a corrupt member therein.
After he had ended his speech, he sits down in his place, and then rose up the Lord of Objection, and thus spake.
The Lord of Objections Speech.
ALL that your Lordship spoke is true, and therein you have shewed your selfe a Loyall Subject, and a faithfull Servants and I make no question, but every Member in the House will not only give their Estates, but spend their Lives for their King, and Country. Yet let me tell your Lordship, that I do beleeve the Parliament will never be able to raise a Subsidy of Justice from the Commonalty: it is too strict a demand; as it is impossible for us to satisfie the Kings desire, unlesse the Commons were richer in Equity. But if our gracious Soveraigne will take a Subsidy of Faith in lieu of it, I dare say it may be easily got, raising it upon the Clergy, who are rich therein.
After he had spoke, rose up the Bishop of Resentment, and said.
The Bishop's Speech.
IT may be easily perceived, that this Lords desire is, that the King should lay the heaviest Subsidy upon the Church: not but that I dare say so much for the [...] Body, as they would be as willing to assist the King in his Warres, as any of his Lay Subjects; yet what the Clergy have, belongs to the Gods; and what they take from us, they take from them.
After him, spoke the Bishop of Adoration.
The Bishop of Adoration's Speech.
OUr Brother hath told you the truth, that Faith is not to be given from the Gods; but, my Lord, to shew our willingnesse and readinesse to the Kings service, we will give his Majesty a Subsidy of Prayers, which are the effects of Faith. The King, and the rest of the Lords approved of it, and sent a Writ of it, through [Page 202] the Arteries to the lower House the Heart for her approbat ion, which one of the Judges delivered to Master Speaker; then the Speaker taking the report said:
Gentlemen,
This Message is to let you know, That the Episcopall Body hath offered the King a Subsidy of Prayer, to helpe him in his Warres, if you agree to it.
With that rose up a Gentleman, and said.
The Gentlemans Speech.
Master Speaker:
THe Clergy are able to give the King more then one Subsidy, if they will, being so rich as they have ingrossed all the Consciences in the Kingdome, building great Colledges of Factions there-with: and these Colledges doe not only disturbe the Commonwealth, but impoverish it very much: for all that are bred therein, imploy all their time so in Speculations, as there is no time left for honest and industrious practise; besides, their Tythes are so great, which they have out of Yen, as their poor Parishioners have almost none left (after their proportions are taken out) to serve their owne use, and maintenance.
Upon this Speech a Gentleman, one Master Zeale rose up, and thus spake.
Master Speaker:
ALthough the Clergy are Masters, and Rulers of Consciences, or should be so, yet they are to imploy them to no other use, but to the service of the Gods; But I feare, we of the Layety strivo to usurpe that authority to our owne worldly ends, or else we should never have those large Consciences, as to lay the Burthen (from our owne shoulders) on theirs, but to doe as wee should be done unto: let us take their charitable assistance with thankes.
Most of the House were of this Gentlemans opinion, and voted an acceptance, and sending up to the upper House, that Subsidy was passed. After that was agreed, there was a Rationall Lord, that thus [...].
My Lord:
THere were some Opinions which were passed in former times, when the Parliament of Errours [...], in the yeare of Ignorance one thousand eight hundred [Page 203] and two; That none must be thought States-man, but those which were formall. That all that are bold must be thought wise. That those which have new and strange Fantasmes, must be thought the only men of knowledge. That none must be thought Wits, but Buffoanes. [...] none must be thought learned, but Sophisterian Disputants. That all that are not debanch'd, must be thought unsociable. That all that doe not flutter, must be thought uncivil. That all which tell severe truths, must be thought rude, and ill-natur'd. That all that are not Fantasticall, must be thought Clownish, and ill-bred. That all must be thought Cowards, that are not quarrelsome. That none must be thought valiant, but those that kill, or be killed. That none must be thought bountifull, but those that are prodigall. That none must be thought good Masters, but those that let their servants cousen them. That none must be esteemed, but those that are rich. That none must be beloved, but those that are powerfull. That none must be respected, but those that have outward honour. That none must be thought religious, but those that are superstitious. That none must be thought constant, but those that are stubborne. That none are patient, but those that suffer affronts of scorne. That none are thristy, but those that are sluttish. That none are chast, but those that are not beautifull. That no man must be seene abroad with his owne Wife, left he bee thought jealous. That Blushing must be thought a Crime, proceeding from guiltinesse. That none must be thought merry, but those that laugh. That none must be thought sad, but those that cry. That all poors men must be thought fooles. That all Citizens must be thought [...]. That none must be thought good Lawyers, and Doctors, but those which will take great Fees. That all duty and submission belongs so power, not to vertue. That all must have ill back, after much mirth. That all those that marry on Tuesdayes and Thursdayes, shal be happy. That a mans Fortune can be told in the palme of his hand. That the falling of Salt portends misfortune. Those that begin journies upon a Wednesday, shall [...] through much danger. That all women that are poore, old, and illfavoured, must be thought Witches, and be burnt for the same. That the bouling of a Dog, or the or oaking of Ravens, fore-tell a friends death.
[Page 204] These ought to be repealed, and new ones enacted in their roome; That all those that have got the power, though unjustly, ought to be obeyed, without reluctancy. That all light is in the Eye, not in the Sun. That all Colours are a Perturb'd Light; and so are reflections, rather an inherent quality or substance. That all Sound, Sent, Sight, is created in the Braine. That no Beast hath remembrance, numeration, or curiosity. That all passions are made in the Head, not in the Heart. That the Soul is a Kernel in the Braine. That all the old Philosophers were fooles, and knew little. That the Moderne Philosophers have committed no Errours. That there are six primitive Passions. That the bloud goeth in a Circulation. That all the fixt Stars are Suns. That all the Planets are other worlds. That Motion is the Creator of all things, at least of all formes. That Death is only a privation of Motion, as Darknesse is a privation of Light. That the Soule is a thing, and nothing.
This motion which this Noble Lord made, was enacted by the whole Parliament with much applause. When he was set down, my Lord Reason rose, and thus spake.
My Lord:
I should thinke in my judgement, that it would be beneficiall to the Common-wealth, that there should be a Statute made against all false Coyne, as dissembling tears, and hollow sighs, flattering words, and feigning smiles.
But upon this Speech rose up one of the Lords, and thus spake.
My Lord:
THe Propositions of this Lord are very dangerous: for if this great Councell of Parliament should goe about to call in all false Coyne which is minted, they must call in all which is in the Kingdome, to make a triall of the currantnesse; which would discontent most therein. For why, the stamp is so lively, and artificially imprinted therein, as it is impossible for the right to bee knowne from the false. Further, my Lord, these Coynes are so cunningly mixt with Alehemy, as the difference would hardly he knowne, if they were now melted.
With that rose up one of the Judges, and said thus.
My Lord:
IT is an ancient Law belonging to this Kingdome, to make it death for any to clip currant Coyne with Hypocrisie, or to mixe [Page 205] falshood with slander: and if this abuse should be winckt at, there would be no commerce with this Kingdom and Truth.
The Lord Reason rose up againe, and said thus.
My Lord:
THere is another abuse in this Kingdom, which is, there are many Luxurious Palats, as they doe destroy the strength of the Stomack, and quench out the naturall heate therein, making it so weake by reason of ill digestion, never giving so much time as to make a good concoction, to breed new bloud, as there is like (if speedy order be not taken to prevent it) may come a Dearth of Flesh over all the Kingdom of the Body.
Upon this, Judge Taste rose up, and thus spake.
My Lord:
THere was never any Lawes made in all the former Kings reigne, that there should be a perpetuall abstinency, but only in time of Lent, when the pennance of Physick was taken. For if the stomack should eate sparingly, and not such things as the Appetite doth desire, the Body of the Kingdom would grow weak and faint; and all Industry would cease: for the Legs would never be able to goe, nor the Hands to worke, nor the Armes to [...]; the Complexion would grow pale, the Skin rough, the Liver dry, and all the parts of the Kingdom would grow unfit for use; that if a warre of sicknesse should come, they would never be able to defend themselves.
The same Lord Reason rose up, and said thus.
My Lord:
THere is another great abuse, which is in Articulate, and Vocall sounds, or tone of the Voyces: for most when they read, do so whine, raising their Notes upon the Peg of the Tongue so high, as they crack the strings of Sense; or else the singers of words play so fast, as they keep no stops, or else so slow, as they make more stops then they should: which make it preposterous. Truly my Lord, if these be not rectified, all the Nobles of understanding wil be ruinated, and affronted with a seeming Non-Sense. This was disputed hard on, before it would be pass'd, but at last it was.
After this Dispute, there was a Lord rose up, and said thus.
My Lord:
WEE spend here our time to rectifie the Errours that are committed in the Kingdome amongst our selves, and not considering the danger we live in from forraigne enemies abroad, which are Rhyming [...], who make continuall inrodes, [Page 206] stealing all our Cattle of Fancies, and plunder us of our best, and richest conceipts: which if we doe not provide Armes of Rhethoricke to exclaime against them, they may chance to usurp the Crowne of Wit, and make themselves Heires to that they were never borne to. Wherefore, my Lord, let us joyne, to set up Forts of Satyrs, and there plant Cannons of Scorne, from thence to shoot Bullets of Scoffes, to strike them dead with shame. To this all the House assented.
In the meane time, the lower House were busily imployed with affaires too, about Naturalizing a Gentleman. For one of the Members said:
Master Speaker:
THere is a Gentleman, one Mr. Friendship, desires to be Naturaliz'd by the Parliament.
Another Member rose, and said thus.
Master Speaker:
IN my sense it is very prejudiciall to Naturalize Strangers: for why should Strangers receive the same Priviledges with the Natives, and to be made capable to inherit our Lands, unlesse we could cut off the Entayles of Affection, which are tyed to their Native Country, the Kingdome of Parents, or the Islands of Children, or the Provinces of Brethren, and Kindred; otherwise it is likely they will turne Rebels, if a warre chance to be with this Kingdome, and that, where they were borne.
With that the former Gentleman rose up, and said.
Master Speaker:
I Would not preferre this Gentlemans suite, had he been borne in the Land of Obligation, Civilities, or Courtesies; but he was borne in the Land of Sympathy, whereunto this Kingdome hath a relation, by reason our King hath a right therein, and ought to have the power thereof, by the Lawes of Justice; for his Mother, Queene [...], was Daughter to the Sympathian King: so that this Gentleman, Master Friendship, in Justice is a naturall Subject to our King, although not a Citizen in the Common-wealth. Hereupon the House was divided, some gave their Voyces for Him, others against Him: but when they came to be numbred, he had most Voices on his side; for he had been so industrious in Petitioning every particular Member before hand; that he made himselfe many friends, some out of favour to himselfe, others for the good will to those that favoured him: so that one way, [Page 207] or other, it was sent up to the upper House, where my Lord Reason spoke so well in his behalfe, as the Act passed for him.
After this, there was a Member rose, and said.
Master Speaker:
THere are in the Kingdome some grievances, which ought to be reform'd: which is, to make an Act, That all the High Wayes, and common Rodes should be mended, and kept in repaire. For in some Mouths the Teeth are so foule, and rotten, and such deep holes, as great peeces of meat tumble downe into the Sawpits of the Maw without chewing.
The next is, that many Nose-bridges are ready to fall downe, by reason the great French Pox doth travell so often over them, as they crack the very foundation thereof.
The third is, That the Stomack is so often over-flowed with Drink, by rea'on the Throat sluces are so wide, as the Kingdome is not only much impaired thereby, making obstructions, by reason there passes oft-times much mud of Meat, with liquid Drinke, but indangers the Kingdome of drowning; the more, for that slug which makes the liquor rise higher; besides, it breeds many thick vapours, which cause much Raine, and strong Winds, and unwholsome [...], which breed dizzie Diseases, and bring Appoplexies of sleep.
The fourth grievance is, that the Puritans, and Roman Priests cut downe all the stately and thick woods of Haire, as there is almost none left grown to build ships of ornament with: this in time will decay the Navigation of Becomming, and leave the Islands of the Eares bare, to the ruine of Cold; besides the prodigall [...] Sex burnes it up with Iron workes, or breakes it off at the rootes, in making traps for Lovers.
This grievance was resented much in the House, and a Committee ordained to make a strict inquiry, and to report back to the House; which was done with all speed.
The Chair-mans Report back.
Master Speaker:
THe Committee hath found, that many of the High-wayes, and Common Rodes are much impaired by negligence: for some are so bad, as nothing wil mend them; others the Committee hath examin'd, & found out some helps: for the deep holes might be fill'd up [Page 208] with white Wax, and those that are broken and ragged, may be fil'd smooth, and even; and those that are black, and scal'd, may be scrap'd with a steele instrument, and those that are dirty, and foule, may be rubb'd with China, or Brick, or the like; those that are loose, may be washed with Allum-water, or Myrrhe-water, which will fasten them againe. As for the Bridges, there are not many fallen downe, but only sagg'd, and loose: which, if the Commonwealth will be at the charges, may keep them from falling with Silver pinnes, which will prop them up. But truly, Mr. Speaker, there are great spoyls of the Woods of Haire; but in youth, Time wil repaire them againe, but in Age, they wil never grow againe: for the ground is alwayes dry, and barren, as it will alwayes be bare, and bald. As for the great Over-flowes, there is no way to hinder, or stop that torrent, but by shutting the Water gates, the Lips.
After this relation, the lower House sent the reports to the upper House, after which they made an Act of prevention; Their Statutes running thus.
BE it knowne to all, and some in this Kingdom; That henceforth from this present of January, one thousand eight hundred and two, that no Sweet-meats shall travell through the mouth, nor no Nuts be crackt, nor no Pins lye in the high-wayes of the mouth, to canker fret the Teeth; as also be it enacted, that all hands labourers shall be imployed with Pick-tooths after meat had passed those wayes, and let every particular Shire be at the charge thereof.
Be it also enacted, to keep the bridges strong, lest they fall to ruine, that the flud-flush be given to all the amorous sort, with bathes, and dry dyets every spring and fall, for feare the soundation of the Nose should be rotted, by reason of much corruption which passes through; also let there be cut a passage upon each shoulder, making gutters of issues, that the Humour may be diverted by running those wayes, that the Kingdome may be drain'd from superfluous moysture. Also be it enacted, that to the conserving of the woods of Haire, that no haires be pull'd up by the roots, but only prun'd by the Husbandmen Barbers; also we forewarn the use of Curling-Irons, Crisping-Irons, or the like; but let the loose woods of haire be bound up with strings.
Be it also enacted, That no great Draughts be drunk, unlesse great [Page 209] [...] require it: also no Healths to be dranke but upon Festivall dayes. But upon going out of this Act, all the young women and men in the Kingdome made such a matiny, as the Parliament had much adoe to pacifie them; nor could not, untill they had alter'd that clause of Sweet-meats, and Healths. After this there was a Member rose up, and said.
Master Speaker:
THere is in this Kingdom some foolish and unnecessary Castoms, which have been brought from forraigne parts, which ought to be abolished. One is, to digge holes in the Eares, to set Pendants in, which puts the Kingdom to a charge of paine, and also is a heavie burthen therein. The second is, to pull up the Hedges of the Eye-brows by the roots, leaving none but a narrow and thin row, that the Eyes can receive no shade there-from. The third is, to peele the first skin off the face with Oyle of Vitriol, that a new skin may come in the place, which is apt to shrivell the skin underneath. But for the abolishing of these customs few agreed to, fearing such another Mutiny as the former, amongst the effeminate sex.
Whiles they were demurring upon this, there came Petitioners with a Petition to offer to the House, which when that was heard, they sent for their Petition in, and made the Clerk read it.
The Petition of the Veines.
WEE, your Honours humble and poore Petitioners, desire a redresse from all ill Livers, or else we cannot furnish your Honours with such bloud, as your Honours require from us. For by reason of dry, hot, corrupted, or obstructed Livers, we, your Honours Pipe-veines, want filling, or else we are fill'd with such waterish, or else with such black and melancholy bloud, as the Kingdom is either parcht for want of moysture, or over-flowed with too much; being alwayes in extreames: so as we are all undone, and our Trading utterly decayed thereby. Wherefore we beseech your Honours to take it into your Honours considerations, and give us a reparation from the Liver, for which we shall be bound to pray for your Honours.
Upon this Petition, the House ordained a Writ, to warne the Liver to appeare before a Committee to be examined, where strait the Liver appear'd; who excus'd himselfe, saying, the Appetite flung into the Stomack a great quantity of rubbish, and the Stomack being an il Neighbour, to disburthen himself from that [...], flung it upon him, stopping up all crosse passages; insomuch that he had not roome to discharge himself freely: but as for his own part, he [Page 210] was much poorer, and [...] then they, and had more reason to complaine.
Whereupon the House made an Act, that the Stomack should be [...] every spring and fall with Purges.
Then rose up a Member, and [...].
Mr. Speaker, There are a people in this Kingdom ought to be banished, which are Juglers, Mountebanks, and Gypsies; as jugling Lovers, which deceive all the [...] Sex with false and deluding praises. The next are Mountebank [...], who have gotten Priviledges of freedome, to put off their bald Jeasts at an [...] rate, selling upon the Stage of Mirth, taking [...] for pay from the poore ignorant [...]. These Fellows take upon themselves the name of Doctors of Wit, prosessing their skill, whereby they doe much harme, by reason their Drugs are naught, and their skil little, by which many times they kill, instead of [...]; for they doe apply their poysonous iests on unprepared Bodies, and give their Medicines in unseasonable time; besides their Medicines, being most commonly bitter, gives a dislike to the Tast; and being not taken in fit time, bring the disease of [...], and being wrong applyed, cause death to a good fame. The next are Gypfies, which [...] many; as Sympathy Powder, Viper Wines Love Powder, Cramp Rings, crosse Knots, raking up the [...] on St. Agnes Eve, laying Bride-cake under their heads, and many the like.
Another Member said; Mr. Speaker, There are light Wenches of [...], and [...] Bawds, ought to be whipt, Black patches, Sweet Powders, [...], Bracelets made of their Lovers Haire, fancy-colour'd Ribbons, to resemble the several Passions; Looking-glasses to hang by their sides; Love-Posies in Rings, Love-Letters wrought in Handkerchiefs, Valentines worne on sleeves, and to [...] by signes.
Another Member said, next is Bawds, as Romancies, Bals, Collations, Questions and Commands, Riddles, Purposes, &c.
There was another Member rose up, and said thus.
Mr. Speaker, there are worse Creatures in the Kingdom, and more dangerous, which ought to be burnt; as Lovely [...], exact Proportion, clear Complexion: when these spirits are raised in the circle of the face, who so comes [...] that Face, although it be the Soul it selfe, is bewitched with a looke; and such power is in that Magick, that nothing can undoe it, but Sicknesse, and old Age.
The other Witch, is elegant Eloquence: this Witch hath much power, raising up Sense, Funcy, Phrase, Number, in the circle of the Eare, and whosoever comes neer them, although the Soul it selfe that spirit the Tongue bewitches them, and this is so strong a Magick, [Page 211] as nothing can undoe, but forgetfulnesse. 'Tis true, there is a Law against them, which belongs to the Judges care, as, Hearing and Sight; but when they come before them to be examin'd, and to be condemn'd, if they be found guilty; they are so [...] from punishing them, as they set them at liberty, and those bonds that should bind them, they bind themselves with, and so become voluntary slaves to those Witches.
Then did the King call both Houses together into a great Hall, and thus spake.
MY good and loving Subjects, I give you thankes for your care and industry, in rectifying the Errours of this Kingdome, and for your love to me, in giving me those Subsidies I [...], although I call'd for them as well for your safety, as my owne; such is my tender regard to my people, as their safety is my care, and their prosperity my happinesse. For I desire to be King of Affection, ruling them with Clemency, rather then to be only King of Power, ruling them with Tyranny, binding my Subjects to slavery. The power I desire, is, to beat my enemies abroad, not to fright my Subjects at home; to defend them, not to ruine them; I covet not the riches of my Subjects, I hold not the Sword to cut their Purse-strings, but to decide truth from falshood, to give Equity, and to doe Justice. Yet let me [...] them, my Sword is as ready to punish Offenders, as my Clemency is to reward the vertuous. But I have found, and I make no question I shall finde them alwayes as ready to obey, as I to command; and because every one may returne to his owne private affaires, since in publique bufinesse there is little lest now to doe, but what I can order my selfe, I dissolve my Parliament for this time, untill there be an occasion to call them together againe.
Whereupon the Parliament all cryed;