Scaene a Chamber.

BUT are you in earnest Isabella? Do you think that old, impotent Picture of December would cloath himself with Blooming Flowers of chearful May? Ridiculous Fool! Doth he think that cold, sapless, shrivell'd Age, can agree with the warmth of tender Youth? Marry me? let him Marry a wind­ing-Sheet, that's fitter for him.

I'm only suspicious Madam, for he never sees you at Mass, but he looks on you as if he would eat you: if he chance to be at too great a distance from you, he claps his Spectacles on his Nose; and makes the whole Congregation stare at him, for his staring at you. Come, I believe it must [Page 2] be a Match at last, tho' a very unequal one; especially if he asks your Father's consent; for you know the old, rotten piece of Flesh is Rich, and Riches are tempting.

You say right in that, my Father not being much be­holding to Fortune, I must expect no great matters from him; the old Fool's Riches therefore may be the only persuasive Argument to make me consent at last.

I don't know, were it my case, I should not need much urging.

But how I'm frighted when I consider, I must be Bed­ded to Diseases, and clammy Clay: in lieu of tasting the Spicy Varieties of Love, I shall have my Sense of Smelling di­sturb'd with an infectious, poysonous Air, fuming from his foggy Lungs; in lieu of being charm'd with Harmonious Sounds of Love, I shall have no other entertainment for my Ears, than tedious Coughings, and unwholsome Gruntings all the Night long, and in a Morning, when my Sight should be pleased in viewing the gallant Object that entertain'd my Love all night, I shall have the prospect of Death in a Slumber, his bloodless Visage wither'd, and his hollow eyes, distilling Rheume down the furrows of his Face;

Yet were I you, all this I could bear, and patiently too, especially when I consider'd Madam; how greatly my Fortunes would improve by it.

Nay if I'm importun'd, I'll not be obstinate, tho I know the ill consequence of such a match in several other respects: horrible. Jealous I'm sure he'll be, for Jealousy, and Old age are inseperable Companions: he'll be pevish too, and perhaps coveteous; Judge then what a prospect of mischeif I have before my View, If I hazard my self thus. As for his Jealousy perhaps I may give him cause as his [Page 5] impotency may justly deserve.

I vow Madam I think you speak but reason: I'im sure Nature never made us women for useless men; but here comes your father.

Well, how now, how is it with you daughter?

Just as it is with most Virgins of my years Father, that would know more of the world than we do.

So, so, very well; you'l never leave your old triks, you are very pert me thinks: what think you of swallowing the vow of Chastity, and liveing in a Monastery? that was my design, once.

Why, I think I should have liv'd and been holy both together.

That's, odd indeed, what's your meaning?

Why, the resemblance of a Nun, shut up in a Monastery makes me appear Holy, and the Vow that I should make would be a sin to countervail with it: for I should tell Nature a lye to her Face: besides my Faith is a little wavering in that particular that our Mother Church enjoins us to beleive; for I can scarce think her Capable of bestowing on us the gift of Chastity; how can she give that Blessing to others which she wants her self?

Daughter you talk as if you were mad; for heaven sake say no more, we shall have you clap'd into the Inquisi­tion. But to wave this discourse what think you of a Husband now?

Why, if he be, sound, wind and limb, I think he may doe good Service.

Yes, that may be, that may be truly. But what think you of a rich Husband that shall raise the honour of our Family?

What, Father you mean an Husband whose Riches hides all other defects? why I may (not to be ungratefull) [Page 6] endeavour to raise the honour of his Family too.

Well I have an Husband for you: truly he is some­thing stricken in years, but he is a bonny tuff Blade, and he is rich enough; It is Marforio the Neapolitan-Doctor, he'll come to see you by and by: I charge you to entertain him and encourage him in his Addresses to you; I promise you he is a good Honest, Sober, well-meaning Gentleman.

The only Character given to most Fools and Cuckolds.

And he'll love you not with a lascivious hair-brain'd Love, like Giddy, foolish youth, but his love will be solid; and he'll instruct you in the Rudiments of Vertue; he'll reach you sobriety, and wisdome, which affords more solid pleasure, in Love than ever frothy, flashy youth did taste.

This is the right discourse of all Superannuated Coxcombs, when they are past loving like Vigorous youth; then they exclaim against the true pleasures of love, only be­cause they want power to taste'em,

Well Daughter, I say no more, I say no more; be wise and dutiful, or the frowns of a father will fall heavy upon you: remember what I told you be sure you; behave yor self well before him.

Sir, I shall perform my duty; fough! what pleasant Discourse hath here been in praise of gray hairs, and wrink­les, to induce youth to dally with them? I see thy suspitions were not for nothing Isabella, for I find he hath been already with my Father, and hath gain'd his Consent, and I believe the old fool will be here shortly to ask mine too.

He hath trim'd himself up of late like any youthfull spark, which becomes him as a Cardinal's Cap would a Cow, he exerciseth his limbs at a more Nimble rate too, and is indeed mighty modish and spruce; you think you shall be Courted by a piece of cold, living Ice, and I, on the Contrary, fancy he'll [Page 7] meet you like a Will i'th Wisp, all Fire and Flame.

Yes I believe so too, for I expect all Vapor and no Sub­stance. I believe I shall be forc'd to use other measures when I am yok'd to him.

Alas he'll ly so loveingly by your side Madam; give you sometimes a snowy kiss; hit you a pat or two on the Cheek, and call you little Rogue, and then make you play with his beard so prettily, that it will be apleasure to your thoughts e­ver after.

You're a fleering slut; well but 'tis no matter, his Gold will cover me all over with patience to endure the worst: but stay here he comes I think.

Lady your humble servant.

Ha! Senior Marforio me thinks you look as if you were growing young again; you are very spruce, and trim.

Dad I don't look so old, do I Isabella?

I'm as sound as a Roach, girl, and I can play at leap-frog now as well as I could at twenty.

Say you so? me thinks then you grow very odly; you grow contrary to the Course of Nature, all the rest of the World when Age approacheth, grow weak and feeble for want of radical moisture: to prop up Nature, but you, you say, grow strong and Vigorous with your age.

Prop up Nature didst thou say child? my Nature needs no proping up, I thank my Stars▪ besides, the very sight of thee is enough to prop up my Nature. Let me feel thy Pulse, let me feel thy Pulse. Oh thou'rt a little twinckling Rogue.

You are pleasant, Senior.

How can I be otherwise? I am come a wooing to you, you little Rogue you, will you deny me? Do but see; I can Leap, and Skip, and Trip and Hop, and Dance, and Prance as nimbly as any Grashopper.

Tell me d'ye like me or no?

Bless me, what's here, a living Autumn? Nothing but wither'd Follies? Truely, your comely gray Hairs, toge­ther with the obliging Humor and Carriage you have to please our Sex with, can do no other than raise in me, and e­very one, a Reverend Respect for you.

But I mean, how d'ye like me for a Husband?

Why, d'ye speak in earnest Senior?

Yes, by'r Lady do I Girl.

Then I like you as well as Youth can do brisk come­ly Age, when it shal have the Joyful Diversion to play with Silver Hairs, and to refresh it self in Beds of Snow, when over-heated with the Summers warmth: in fine, I like you well enough, but the Will of my Parents is a Law to me, cut of that Track of Obedience, I must not wander.

Come then if you please, I'll go with you to your Father presently. Oh I could so—but 'tis no matter now, come, come let's go, let's go.

What tho to sleepy drowsie Age I'm sold, Since those Defects are fill'd with Charms of Gold.

Scaene a Cloyster.

Truly brother I do intend to treasure up some thing by this Holy cheat.

In truth Brother you do very wisely, we must be every one for our selves, for all the Church is our Mother. But indeed have you been at Jerusalem or no?

No more than thou hast been in purgatory.

Then the Relicks that you brought over and have showed to his Holyness are e'en of your own ma [...]eing and contriveing; and was there ever such a Saint as Saint Alliver­got?

Of my own makeing! why you seem to be very ignorant, thou fool thou, why all the miracles that are booked upon with such Reverence and Devotion by our Proselytes in the Golden Legend, are meer Shams and Inventions: [...]o are all those that have been broached ever since the Donation of Constantine to the Pope: And in that there is a Juggle too, for that was the first Plot the Devil and our holy Church in­vented to make the Papal Chair great and durable.

I don't know that ever there was such a Saint; but that's all one, I hope my arrival is not divulged yet, is it?

No, no body knows that you are come yet. But pre­thee if thou hast not been at Jerusalem where hast thou been then?

I have been at three other Holy places, and one dam­nable, wicked Heretical place I have been to visit our Lady of the Rosario, our Lady Del Carmine and our Lady del Popolo: And I have been among the plagnyest Hereticks this day in Christendome, I have been in England.

Oh Wonderful! pray how goes our holy design there forward?

Forward man! Why the Heriticks have almost broke it all to pieces, and they have made nothing of Cutting off the Champions of our Church, pray heaven they don't make his Holyness reel in his Chair, and then we are safe enough.

Have you acquainted his Holyness with any parti­culars?

Not one word yet, I intend to do it. But I can't for­bear telling you a passage, that hapned between an heretick and I at Tavern in London with some other Company. I was telling him Brother, what wonderful miracles were wrought by my Saint Allivergot. and how he was martyr'd for the truth: I told him too, how Saint Denis, after he was beheaded [Page] did most miraculously walk three miles with his head in his hand, and then let it fall: upon which ground I told him was built a Town that beares his name, three miles distant from Paris.

Well what said the Heretick to these wonders of our Church?

Why he was ready to choak himself with laughing; Pish said he (at last when he could speak) these miracles were wrought a great many years ago: but for all their scarci­ty I can tell you of one in our age, and an English true one; and you know, said he, miracles are not usual among Hereticks. There was a gentleman, said he, was of good quality, who be­ing troubled with a deep melancholy, went into a place called Sommerset house, there strangled himself to death: after he was dead he takes a walk near three miles, a walk almost as long as your Saint Denis's and there he runs himself through with his own rapier, and kill'd himself again for spite.

Mum, not a word more of this, as the learned observes: Sure this Heretick told an Impudent lye:

No for the rest of the Company confirmed what he said: But come I must get you to help me to put things in a readyness against I dazle the peoples eyes with the Lustre of my Relicks.

Scaene a Garden.

Come we have done the work now my Duck, my Love, my Chuck, my Lamb, my Honey, my Dear, my— prethee one kiss now you little Rogue you, so— Dad I am Mighty—Mighty — But Come prethee my Dove we want nothing now but going to the Priest, let's hasten away then.

I must be guided by the Golden Rule of your Wis­dom now Sir,

Come then, dad I'm all mirth, I'm all mirth.

Scaene a Chamb [...].

Did not I tell thee Isabella, what I should endure by marrying this old Cuff? to be pen'd up thus all day like a mouse in a Trap, to suffer penance thus by an old Clumpish, Feeble Jealous coxcomb, And I must be enjoyn'd fasting for­sooth; and to mortify the pride of the flesh as he pretends; here he hath left me Beads, Crucifixes, Prayer-books, and a lusty Cord to scourge my self with, where as I think he ought to undergo the Penance of being well scourg'd himself for his own insufficiencie: and oh that I were to inflict it on him my self, I'd make him skip after another manner than he did when he Courted me; and then all the Comfort I have is but look­ing out of that window upon the Cloysters.

I did not expect it would have been altogether so bad neither, but now you must have patience till the rotten, fleshy building is fall'n.

I believe his Jealousy will scarce leave him when he's dead.

You would Joyfully know the Contrary were it so, but he's too old to stay in the world much longer; I wonder what business he hath in it at all, at his years.

His only business now is to torment me, but I war­rant [Page 16] you, I'll Conquer him, and engraft the Trophyes of my Victory on his head too.

How d'y like the Fryer that's made so famous by his Relicks; he saith his Holyness hath caused them to be newly Registred in the Roman Calendar.

I like him very well, for he is looked upon as a mighty upright, holy man, I believe he'll be Cannonized for a Saint at his Death: and when he walks the streets how the people flock about to recieve his Blessing and kiss the hem of his Garment?

He's but young, it's much he should be so much ad­mir'd; it's asign my husband was extreamly pleased with him, or else he would ne're have had me to Church to hear him preach.

His Relicks have a strange power they say: for 'tis re­ported they'll make women breed without the help of their husbands, turn old age into youth, heal Diseases and encrease Love.

Oh strange! I'm glad my husband hath order'd him to come and Confess me, for I have a good opinion of him, my meaning is I respect him above other Men; he was very ob­liging to me too, for when he went out of the Church, he saluted me from all the rest of the Ladyes.

Nay then, I believe he begins to know that you deserve some respect from him too; And all the time he was preaching I took notice his eye was for the most part stedfastly fix'd upon you.

If this should encrease now to a Flame?

It would be but an holy flame at most.

For my part I believe the worst of his Actions are pure and holy.

Ay, ay, so they are; don't holy mother Church tell us we must believe what the Church believes: besides, if the sins of the Flesh do corrupt us his Absolution cleanseth us a­gain, even as Fire purifies Air.

You are in the Right.

I'm sure I am in the Right when I follow the pious [Page 17] rules, of the Church, which give us, maxims to sin, and sanctifies'um when we've done. I vow I begin to have as good an opinion of father Lupin as you have of father Turbin.

Sayst thou so girl? Nay then I have a Plot in my head in which I hope Saint Ʋenus will asist me. If she doth, my dry bon'd bed fellow shall be prefer'd to his due deserts.

Truly with a cold Icy wither'd body he hath a grave dull Politick head fit for a Satyrs ornament.

Faith girl my good Nature will make me be so kind to him at last. ha, ha, ha.

What, laughing? is this the mortification of the flesh? is this deying the devil and all his works? out ye daughter of Satan!

But there is some thing more then ordinary in the wind I'm a fraid: I believe the sneeringsluts laugh'd at me —

Go get you gon into your Closset that's fitter for you than to sit and sneere and mock.

Why husband can't we be chearful and devout too.

Not a word, make haste in and follow me.

Apyes take it I don't know what I ail, but I'm hor­ribly tormented in my mind, I cannot be at quiet in the day time, neither can I sleep in the night, for thinking and dream­ing of horns, yet I keep her safe enough, there's no body comes near her, And endeavour to mortify her with De­votion, that the members of her body, may not rise up in re­bellion against me their Cheif head and Governor, but still for all this 'tis Horns, horns, horns, that won't let me alone. And horns are such things that the very thoughts of 'um do half kill me.

Scaene a Cloyster

Now my fame begins to spread, now do the common People begin to worship me, and cry me up for holy; and therefore now I begin to fill my coffers and thrive.

His Holyness encourageth the Cheat too I find.

What will not his Holyness do for Lucre to advance the Interest of the Church; he shall cause Kings to be deposed and murther'd, Hereticks to be destroyed with the severest Torments; in fine, he shall set all the world together by the ears provided he may make but a pious gain, for himself and his hopeful Nephews.

Indeed! are they so kind to their Nephews?

I find you are but a Novice in our Church, or else ex­perience would have made you wiser: our most Holy fathers fancy they give Kings one half of Heaven (for you must know that's at their disposing) and another half of Earth when they stile'um their Sons: and the Kings that are true to our cause think they merit the other half of Heaven in most humbly stiling them Father.

Say you so? me thinks these are very pious things, and tend much to mutual Love and Unity.

You are mistaken there Lupin, theres' more of Policy than Religion in it, as indeed there is in all our principles. Know then that this only serves to enslave Princes to the Grandeur and Loftiness of Heavens most humble Vicar.

But I wonder that Princes who have commonly wise Counsellors to advise with, should be thus led by the Nose. And I wonder to at another thing, that the Pope should bear a more intire affection to his Nephews then to his Sons the Kings; for my part I should reckon my Children both nearer and dearer to me than my Nephews.

Our Popes are governed by contrary Maxims, for what ever they scrape together from the church when they die they they leave to their Nephews as their heirs; not affording so much as a small legacy to their Sons; Witness Pope Ʋrban the Eighth, Innocent the tenth, and Alexander the seventh; who left above seven Hundred Thousand pistols to his Nephews and only the Title of Son to the poor Emperor who had all his life time been at great charge and trouble in defending him against the Infidels.

Some People would take this for Ingratitude; but for my part I think Kings and Emperours should believe them­selves Rich enough, and Highly Honoured in enjoying only the Title of his Sons, without expection of any thing else.

You speak like a True souldier of his Holyness, I com­mend you. It's a main point of our Religion to procure Riches to the Church, no matter how nor which way: t'other day one comes to me to be absolv'd for defiling himself with a goat; I had four Pistols for giving him Absolution: And for one more I would have undertook to procure a dispensation from his Ho­lyness for him to marry the beast.

Nay I know the Pope hath power: But now let us wave this discourse till another time.

Ay, ay, let's wave it, let's wave it, I have business of greater concernment in my head; I long to go to Confess Madam Florimel, the time seems tedious.

Just so it always seems to eager lovers; 'Tis but waiting till the morrow, and by'r Lady I must with you too, for I have a loving desire to be father Confessor to — It's no matter whether I tell you or no.

You need not keep it so close you mean to Isa­bella; come, come, then we are well enough.

Scaene a Chamber.

I Know Father Turbin you are a Man for a Reli­gious Life, without Spot or Blemish; and that as you are jogging on towards Heaven with a zealous pace, so you will not think your Pains much, to direct others the same Road: here is my Wife wants some of your holy Instructions whereby she may build a Ground­work by her Edification, to be throughly vers'd in the Art of Mortification: I would have you make her Re­ligious and Vertuous, and Holy, and Prudent, and Wise, and Humble, and Meek, and Obedient, that she may mind the Commands of me her Lord and Husband, and not the Kickshaw Vanities of the Flesh.

Heaven doth seem to have moulded our Daugh­ter here, on purpose for Edification Sir; and therefore I don't question but to find her endued with a Religious and Spiritual Sanctity, and what blessing Heaven hath bestowed on me, she shall enjoy her self. I don't doubt but a little private discourse with her may work a soft and gentle impression in her.

Therefore pray Sir do you stand at a distance,

Daughter I must give you the trouble to kneel.

O pious, most Holy man!

Sir I have obey'd your Commands.

Daughter we have a saying in Philosophy, that Nature made nothing in vain; all things were made for some use, & if we follow not the Law of Nature when she presseth us to be guided by her rules, we sin both against her and Heaven; for there she recieved Being, and here it is our duty to Cherish her. Beauty the most excellent thing that ever Nature fram'd; Beauty that gives life to the Heavens as well as the Earth, shall she continue among us to be only poorly admired at a distance, as some Nations do the Sun? no, she was made for Love, Love, without which the most illustrious beautyes would shine but meanly, neither could they raise Trophyes to illustrate their worth: can you hear the name of Love daughter pronounced by me without a frown?

Yes Sir I am not so barbarous yet to find any thing in that name so terrible.

And can your tender breast receive that soft im­pression d'e think? I speak in a Religious way, for I would by no means have you offend Heaven.

Well I'l leave you together; pray father Turbin, bring down the Pride of her Flesh a little.

I warrant you Senior; leave that to me. Come Daughter, indeed I cannot see you Kneel any longer.

Father I am generally good natur'd; and I know not but I may be capable enough of receiving the holy Flame,

Well Daughter, you speak like a Saint: if there were not a great deal of Religion in Love, I would not entertain you with this Discourse: But, to go farther can you settle an harmless, innocent Love upon me, and think no more on Age, and Impotence? Beauty, as I said, before, was not made for nothing, much less for insuffi­cient Age, but for the Embraces of Love and Youth. Do not Sin then Daughter thus, against our Hand­maid Nature; employ your blooming Youth to advan­tage, before Age shall wither those beauteous Features & fill those Veins with Ice, in lieu of Blood. Consider the Religious Advice I give you; here is a Breast fill'd with a Love as warm as the Sun-beams in summer, take it and use it as your own.

You make me Blush, and I'm overcome; for I vow I can deny you nothing, you are such a pious Man: but I'm considering what measures we must use: you know my old Husband is very Jealous of me, there­fore we must go prudently to work; stay — I think I have almost found out a way whereby we may taste the Pleasures of Love without interruption: I'll pretend, very shortly, to fall sick, and then do you leave the rest to me.

I vow Daughter thou art one of a thousand, thou art a good Heavenly woman: Come, one Kiss the holyness of my Coat claims from you; the Piety of my Order requires another, and the third is due to Love.

You see Isabella what a sweet and pleasant Con­cordance there is with Religion and Love, Love which is the Life of Religion; nay the Soul of every individu a thing else; can you swallow this part of our Doctrine? Come I know as thou art a good Christian, thou dost understand the Theory, which if you do, the Practick part will follow of Consequence.

Ay, but you name a dangerous sort of Love; a Love full of Sin.

Believe me Isabella there can be no sin in the Divine thing called Love, the most unsensible things in Nature are subject to that Excellent, and I may say, Re­ligious passion. Doth not the Sun Court his Mistress the Earth with his Glorious smiles, and the Earth again dis­play her content, by her Checker-work and embroydery in her Summer pride? Doth not the Sun again, with the rest of his Glorious Train move continually round for Love of perfection? Nothing without some feeling of Love▪ Doth not the stone move eagerly to his Center fire upwards? And do not the sportling streams in many pretty Meanders glide to the Sea? can these inanimate Beings be inclinable to that Noble passion, and you whom Heaven hath endued with sence and reason be without that very Sense and Reason Heaven hath bestowed on you purposely to know how to Love.

You plead too well Father Lupin to be deny'd, and since it is an harmless passion, I believe I can digest it: But who is it you would have me Love?

My self that Love you more than our strongest Zealots do heaven. And to Confirm this holy Flame, permit me to seal the Contract on those bloomy rosy leaves your Love-Enchanting Lips.

Oh I shall die, come no more that's enough for once.

Thus will I take my Brother Turbin's measures.

And I will follow my Lady Florimels.

Do so, and let Love prosper us.

So — Now since I have begin to set my en­gineering brains to work, I'm resolv'd to bring my plot­ings to perfection: and when all, comes to all, 'tis but to pay a debt, my Husband's age and humor claimes. I like the Fryer well enough; he'll serve my Turn—But let me see — when would you advise me to fall sick Isabella? for Indeed I must be sick, and very sick too, or else I shall have no opportunity to accomplish my design; be­sides there's no better way to blind my Husband's eyes and to keep neighbours from having an ill Opinion of me.

My Master you know was talking of going out of Town to morrow, or next day: I think it would be necessary for you to fall sick a little before he goes.

You give good Advice, I'll follow it.

Scaene changeth to a Closter.

How d'ye like our Love Intrigue; now is not this better than to say Mass for the deliverance of five thousand Souls out of Purgatory?

It goes forward as we could wish; under the happy Mask of Religion and Zeal; and the Truth on't is, there's no design whatsoever, tho, contriv'd by the very Prince of Hell himself but may find entertainment, as well in the meanest Cloyster as at the Vatican in our Ho­ly City of Rome here.

You speak like an understanding Man, I could not think you had gain'd so much experience for the small time you have been in Orders; but to confirm what you say, I'll tell you of a passage wherein I was the chief Actor: It is a Love-Intrigue too; It was in the City of Ricanati, not far from our Lady of Lorettoes Chappel, where I liv'd when I went in Pilgrimage thither: and I was look'd upon (as I am here) to be a very Religious Man.

Was this in your pretended Return from Jerusa­lem with the supposed Relicks?

Even so, for I happened to be Father-Confessor to a Lady there, who notwithstanding the violent endea­vours of her Husband to the contrary, proved Barren: they were both equally desirous of Children, which made her Husband request her to have recourse to my Prayers: she, in the mean time, with my blessed Assistance used all natural means to obtain this Grace: in short, af­ter two years Prayers with her in private, evident signs of a great Belly appear'd; at which I and the Lady seem'd mightily to rejoyce, possessing the good Husband that it proceeded from a Vow his Wife had made to Saint Gaeten, upon which the good man caused a Statue of Sil­ver to be founded, for his Wife to offer to this Saint: and I pleasantly made 'um kneel before the Altar of the Saint, while I gave 'um my Blessing; the rest of the Monks standing at that instant; most Religiously jocund at the Devotion.

This was certainly your Master-piece. But your speaking of our Lady of Loretto's Chappel makes me desire [Page 28] to understand how it came to be so often removed, that I may know how this Story is contriv'd that hath sham'd so many people: for tho I am in Orders, I could never yet learn the story right.

Know then that this was our Ladyes habitation in the citty of Nazareth; and in the time of Pope Nicho­las, the fourth it hap'ned to be Miraculously loosned from the foundation and carried away in the Night (by a com­pany of Angels) as far as Sclavonia, to a place called Tersalto; adjoyning to the Adriatick Sea; which was a removeal of more than four thousand miles, at the ari­val whereof the Inhabitants, in the morning were won­derfully surpriz'd.

And in my mind they had a great deal of Reason; for doubtless none but Devils or better Beings could be capable of acting such a Prodigy.

This house however continu'd there not long; for the Angels were willing to play the porters once more; so hoysting it on their shoulders again, away through the air they trudge with it as far as a place called Ricanati, where they planted it in a wood adjoyning to the Sea: and because it may be the sooner believed we pretend to tell you the day of the month and year that this second re­moveal hap'ned in which we say to be the tenth of Decem­ber one thousand two hundred ninety four. And tho' the wood was very dark, the Vertue of this Chappel spread a light all over it, brighter than the Sun in Summer, when no clouds casts shadowes from the middle Region.

I know the fame of this Miraculous house is spread all over the world, and the story of it hath gained a con­siderable belief in most People.

You speak right, but this was not all; for the In­habitants of the place having there Christned this house and given it the name it now bears; the Angels, for a very good reason thought fit not to let it remain there any longer, because that place being the retreat of a great [Page 29] many thieves and murderers that did abuse and molest pilgrims that came thither, they gave it a third removeal to the top of a little hill, the ground were of was divided between two brothers, as their Inheritance, who quarelling one day for who should enjoy the proffit of this house, the night following it was carried by the same Angels out of their possession, and planted it in the great Road that goes to the Citty of Ricanati, where it still is, frequented with as much Zeal as Mahomets Tomb at Mecha, and works more miracles than any other of our Ladyes chap­pels in the world.

I Honour his memory that first made this mira­cle, there's no question but it hath been almost as beneficial to our Clergy as the invention of purgatory, and praying for the dead.

I'm afraid I have been too tedious in telling you this story. But come let's not talk now of that, nor praying for the dead; I am for thinking on the liveing Florimel, my Lady Saint.

And Isabella mine.

The Scaene changed to a Chamber;

Alas it is a strange distemper, I am almost sick to death; I am Sensible of the smart in every Vein.

Nay good Dear wife, oh law! I would not loose my precious Duck, for the world.

Nay Sir I fear it the more because all the Arts the Doctors have used cannot discover what the distemper is.

Nay good Neighbours what shall we do? alas my poor Chick. Nay I beseeeh you Neighbours, is there no remedy? how dost thou do my Dear Spouse?

I am well enough to receive the cold impression of a death that will prove unwelcome to me because I must part from thee; I must go to bed again I fear, but pray Heaven I may rise once again to enjoy thy company.

Oh my poor wife, my poor wife! Neighbours what shall I do what shall I do?

Truly Neighbour if you would take our advice I believe the only way to save her life will be to Implore the assistance of Saint Allivergot.

Indeed Neighbour I'm of your mind, for nothing can cure her now without a miracle, and to have recourse to that Saints Relicks is the best means I think: for with the help of Heaven, and that holy man father Turbin they have done a wonderful many good things.

Ah thou blessed Saint, St. Allivergot have pitty on me or I am undone.

Did not I tell you so, pray Neighbour cause father Turbin to come and bring his Relicks with him.

Isabella, go run, make haste, quickly, loose no time tell him my wife's dead and hath sent for him to be curd by the help of those Holy Relicks, go be gon I say.

Come Neighbour Florimel the power of this Holy mans Relicks are great, and I dare secure your health under the vertue of them.

Say'st thou so Neighbour? dad you have very much reviv'd my heart, dad you have Neighbour, for I would not have my none Pigs nyes dye here, for the Popes Revenue, how dost thou do Chick, hum?

Truly my Dear not well.

Have patience my Duck and thou shalt recieve ease presently.

Your Blessing good Father.

Oh ti's a pious man.

'Tis a man of a most devout life and conversation.

Have you a firm and stedfast belief daughter in the Rellicks of this good Saint?

Alas Father you need not have put that question to me since I am sensible I cannot be cur'd but by their help, and methinks from the first moment of your arrival here, I have al-ready found a Cheerful alteration in me, which none but your Holy presence could have caused.

Well Dear daughter I find the strength of your faith hath effected this: how ever it will be necessary to begin, by confession, to the end that the soul being purg'd the body may the sooner obtain its pristine health.

You say well Father, therefore if my advice may be taken we should leave 'um together, that he may with the greater wisedom dispose of her conscience.

My Neighbour here is in the Right, what say you senior Marforio?

Ay so she is, therefore let's disturb' um as little as we can, and be gone, my Dear, my sweet, my Choice, my precious Sugar-candy, fare well for a day or two, be­cause business calls me into the Country, at my return I hope to find thee as pert as ever thou wert.

Farwell my Love.

But hark you Father Turbin, pray be as careful of disposing her Conscience, as of restoring her health; d'e mind me? for that I love to take considerable care of too, my Chick once more adieu.

Adieu my Dear.

Well Father, we recommend her to your prayers, and the vertue of those Blessed Relicks, Neigh­bour Adieu.

Now let me feed on the Heavenly, moisture of thy breath, and gather Roses from the Gardens of thy Cheeks: Now that Religion hath play'd her part let Love, gentle Love, display his soft ravishing treasures to Eager and Intranced Lovers: Now let him revel and fur­fit as with pleasures: No time so fit as when Lovers pri­vate are; let's no advantage loose, nor suffer beauty to be vainly wasted; let's Closely retire to partake of truer pleasures than the guilded flow'ry spring produceth.

Shames treach'rous livery in my face appears,

SCENE a Garden.

HArk! methinks Love commands us once more to close retirement, where we may a­gain die in the Fields of Love and Beauty, where si­lent shades shall hide thy blushes, and pleasure dissolve thy fears.

'Tis Love must bear the blame, not I, where he prevails, resistance is in vain; when he commands I must submit, to pant under those sweet and bitter pangs he gives me, till I die both with delight and pain.

Let me conduct thee then where Love shall com­pleat your wishes and heighten our Bliss, let us every day during your Doctors absence pay what we owe to Love: And while we are preparing to engage in Loves fierce harmless Lists, as a seasoning to our Joys, I have order'd one of our Chappel Eunuches to sing a Song which Love Inspir'd me to write.

O lamentable what shall we do? We are all un­done; Madam rise, rise, yonder's my Master at the door with two or three Neighbours.

Ay, what shall I do Isabella? What shall I do? he will certainly make an Eunuch of me.

Curse upon him, was this obligingly done, to disturb us thus in the midst of our Pleasures?

Come we have no time to talk now, Isabella, give 'em the Key of the back Door, and let 'em be gone. Adieu, adieu.

I'm afraid I shall not

fancy love so heartily as I have done, never was Mortal in such fear of losing his Man-hood before, as I was now.

Isabella go let him in, here will I plant my self ready to receive him at his entrance: I'm sure there's no apparent reason for his suspicion hitherto, and truly the practical part of Hypocrisie is a fine smooth thing, had it not been for that commendable Vertue; my Husband had miss'd being one of the Dubb'd Brother­hood. But here he comes.

How doth my dear Duck do? I vow Chicken I could not stay from thee any longer, for the life of me, [Page 36] having left thee sick too; the thoughts of being from thee at such a time hath made me sob and cry my eyes out almost in the Countrey: but Dad I had not left thee at all, but that I had very earnest business indeed. And Cods-fish let me look upon thee a little, Dad me­thinks my Chicken looks much better than she did be­fore I went; how hath she prov'd in my absence, Isa­bella?

Why Sir, she having put her confidence in those Holy Rellicks; the Vertues of them were warmly appli­ed to her every day, and have wrought (beyond our expectations) a wonderful Miracle: For she is more than half cured, and is but newly rose from paying a Devout Thanksgiving to the Blessed Saint that Cur'd her.

She speaks truth my Love, for it is to that Im­mortal Saint and that Pious Mortal, Father Turbin, I owe my Life and Health; and your dear presence Husband hath indeed added something — of sorrow.

We seeing your Husbands Arrival at the door Neighbour, could not forbear to Visit you too; and are glad that Heaven and this Saint have been so kind to you.

Nay now Neighbour let this be the only Saint you will pray to, for the good he hath done your Wife.

Well! I'll give Father Turbin Three hundred Crowns to be employ'd for this Saints use in the Church: But well Chicken, how is it now? Doth she lie easie and warm Isabella? I must satisfie my self in that, and [Page 37] see what Bolsters, Pillows, Ruggs, Blankets and Bed­ding she hath, or I shall enjoy no content, come Isa­bella; come you along with me to her Bed-side.

Madam we are all undone, Father Turbin in the hurry just now hath left his Breeches on the Bed there, and my Master hath found them.

What, what have I got here? By'r Lady a piece of Mans Breeches: Is this your private sickly devout life, you female Devil you? Pretend to fall sick to cor­nute your Husband! Very Fine! Tell me whose Breech­es these are, or by the Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars, I'll cut off thy Leggs, and stop every Hole about thee.

How unlucky is this? What shall I say?— Stay, I think my brain hath found out something that may befriend me.

Husband why do you blame me thus without cause?

By'r Lady the Woman grows Diabollically Impudent. Without cause, quoth she! No the finding your Gallants Breeches upon the Bed is no cause at all, nor no sign that I am a Horned Animal, bear Witness Neighbours.

Hear me Husband, and I will satisfie you.

May be she repents, and is going to confess the truth, I'll hear her.

You know Husband that being almost cur'd with so precious a Remedy, that to fall into a relapse would put me into double danger of death, therefore by Father Turbin's advice, I have kept the most power­ful part of the Sacred Relick near at hand; upon which I have offer'd up my Devotions every day.

These are the very Breeches that Saint Allivergot wore, when he resided among Mortals: There­fore pray Husband consider what they are, and use 'um more gently.

Dad I'm almost perswaded she speaks truth. Well I'll lay 'um down upon this Chair,

there they may he and cry out to the Wicked, Noli me tangere. Prithee my Duck excuse my passionate discourse just now, come one Buss and be friends — So.

How could you be so cruel Love, to injure my Innocence and Fidelity to thee.

Come my Pigsny say no more, I was to blame, indeed I was to blame; therefore prithee for­give me but this time.

I am easily reconciled to so loving an Husband.

Now will I fly to inform Father Tur­bin

of what is past, and order him to fetch a­way the Holy Relick, in a solemn Procession, to put the better Gloss upon the matter.

Indeed Neighbour you was very much over­seen, in being so credulous to believe things contrary to your Wives Vertuous Inclination.

I dare sweare she would neither injure Heaven, nor you, by so sinful and vile an act; she is the truest Pattern of Piety, Modesty, and Vertue, in the whole City of Rome; and I'm sure she loves her Husband as a good Wife should do.

Poor Creature I am sorry I should be such a Rogue tho: Come my pretty Chick one Buss more, and then we are thorowly Friends again I hope.

It was but a mistake Honey, and I am ready to forgive thee all.

Lack a day, what a good Wife have I godt Neigh­bours?

Such Wives are not to be found every where▪ I promise you that; had my Husband serv'd me, as you serv'd her, I'd have made the House too hot to hold the Beast.

Yonder's Father Turbin coming in Procession with some more Fryars, to fetch away the Holy Re­lick, I must lay it on that Table on a White Table Cloth against his Arrival.

Here Senior, As you have received benefit by this Holy Relick, so it offers it self first to you, to afford you the Blessing of a Kiss, and by it you gain Pardons and Indulgences, a Pena & Culpa, for Fourscore thou­sand years.

Now it offers it self to you, dear Daughter; by it you gain a perpetual Pardon, it Absolves you from all your Sins, past, present, and to come. To the rest of these good people to whom I likewise present it, it gains 'um Pardons for Twenty years to come.

Well Neighbour Adieu, I wish you all Health, Happiness, and long Life.

I wish the same to you both.

Well Hony I'll retire into my Closet to my Devotion.

Thou may'st do thy pleasure my Precious.

I must omit no opportunity of paying a Thanks­giving to this Blessed Saint: Come you along with me Isabella.

Dad for all my Wife is such a Vertuous Wo­man, I can't forbear being jealous yet, she's handome, and young, and skittish, and wanton, and witty, and good natur'd, to all which an Old Man being Marryed are evident signe that he is, or must be a Cuckold; did I once know the truth of it, I were out of my pain: But they say, There are some sorts of Airs strong e­nough to breed Cuckolds in, and this Roman Air is none of the best, for all it is under the Popes Nose: Therefore I will prudently watch her hits, in order to [Page 42] which I caus'd another Key to be privately made to my door, and I think to give out suddenly that I intend to go out of Town, tho I design the contrary.

The SCENE changeth to a Cloyster.

The Sham past unsuspected.

For Loves sweet sake you all things should endure.

Not I, unless hee'd let me sport secure.

This very Pow'r the Popes still proudly own.

One glad to see you both, if you will once more be lull'd a sleep with Loves soft gentle Charms, if you will once more die,

and dying be delighted with so sweet a Death; follow me. The Old Dotard is gone out of Town again, and by my Ladies order I am come to fetch you to her, the last storm is quite blown over now.

The SCENE changeth to a Street.

Now she thinks I am far enough off a dad, wherein she is mistaken: and I think I am a Cuckold, and fear I am not mistaken; however I love to pry in­to the Nature of things, that I may be certified in the truth of the business. I have furnished my self with a Counterfeit Key to find out her Intrigue. If she hath a Gallant, I'll cause both her and him to be put into the Inquisition. I'll take Two Neighbours with me for Wit­nesses, bring a Gentleman of the White Rod with me, to carry him before his Holiness.

SCENE a Chamber.

SO softly Neighbours, let's not walk too fast, for fear of giving them notice; so, I'll peep [Page 46] into her Chamber, and if there be

occasion I'll call you. Oh Horri­ble! Monstrous!

Come Neighbours bear Witness what an undecent posture they are in. Oh 'tis that Holy Devil Turbin that Cuckolds me thus, yonders the other Fryar a squeez­ing Isabella too: I can't endure this, my House is a rank Baudy-house, and I the principal Ornament of the Family.

Rush in Sir, and show the Staff of your Authority, and be sure Neighbours do you help to secure 'um, for they may kill me you know.

Do but hear me Husband.

No, not I, I think I have caught you and your Holy Stallion napping together now: Nay you may hold down your head Father, there's never a Relick left now to fetch away in Procession: And you Mrs. Minks, that have been

my Wives Baud, and your own Whore all this time, you are silent I see too.

Neighbours you are to bear Witness here, how my [Page 47] Master hath improv'd his quality, he is one of no mean Rank now, I'll assure you.

What do you jeer me? you shall have your due, you shall. Come away with 'um to his Holiness, away with 'um.

May it please your Holiness, I am come to have a very foul business decided before you.

Speak what it is, that I may Justice do.

And please your Holiness it was a very foul business. This Devil

in the Habit of a Priest, is a greater lover of Pleasure than Religion; he hath seduc'd, cor­rupted, defil'd and abus'd the Body and Bosome of my own dear self.

Of your own self? Explain it more at large, That I may reach your meaning —

The meaning is, that I and my self are all one, and please your Holiness, and this sense-seeking Priest hath abus'd us both.

If we must do you Right, then speak more plain, I understand you not.

my own dear Second-self, the Wife of my Body here, and please you, this painted, juggling, self-pleasing [Page 49] Epicurean Priest, hath seduc'd from the paths of Heaven and Vertue, supplied my place, in perform­ing that Act that none but I should do: he hath ex­ceeded the Rules of his Office, for he both Confess'd and Absolv'd her as she was lying: he hath likewise dis­figur'd the curious Workmanship of Nature, for he hath made me, that was once a Man, and her Lord and Master, a Monster, worse than a Satyr, a deform­ed Beast of the Horned Crew. These honest Men, and please your Holiness, can bear Witness of what I say; for they saw all: Now I begg Justice upon both these Fryars (for the other was in the mean time as eagerly busie with my Maid Isabella) and that my Wife and my Maid may receive condign punishment.

Oh Horrible! Nay then I see what redress I shall have.

— Foolish Conjurer, 'Tis more than thou canst do, and the mighty Charm extends to me sooner then unto these most Canonized, Tyrannizing Fops.

I am Pope Joan ye Scoundrel Ragamuffins and pamper'd Swine, and ye have blotted me out of your Kallender with a murrain to you, as if you were asham'd to own a Woman Popes Infallibility. I'd have you to know for all that, you Religious Baboons ye, that I was as Infallible as the best of you: I was Infal­libly made Pope by my great parts and learning, in which capacity I remain'd Two years, a month, and four days; I afterwards was infallibly got with-child by my private Gallant, and I was infallibly deliver'd in the Street of a fine Boy, when we both died: and ye for­sooth are now so pamper'd up with your Pride, that you have wilfully forgot me; nay your Holiness have ever since been ashamed to pass through that Street wherein I was deliver'd; and moreover you have en­deavour'd to perswade people that my Story was a Fa­ble, tho Platina and some others of your old Friends and Cronies, have notwithstanding done me Justice and told truth.

Therefore be gone.

'Twas holy Zeal that prompted me unto it.

The Adoration of the Cross, commanding Prayers for the Dead, forbidding Marriage to the Clergy, Blessing some Medal, forbidding the Eating of Flesh in Lent, commanding Lamps to be burnt in Churches, placing among the number of Saints, Men better qualified for Devils; permitting Hermitages in Forrests, that un­der that pretence Travellers may be more securely Rob'd: Ordaining the Relicks of Saints to be Kiss'd and Ador'd, appointing Set Forms of Conjuring Devils, commanding Incense to be offer'd to Images, granting [Page 57] Temporal and perpetual Indulgences, and thus the whole Course of your Lives is inventing of Toys and Fooleries, to cheat and gull the world with.

We'll obey.