News from the West; Or, A Pleasant Relation of what lately happened in that part of the World.
To a New Tune, Or, The Delights of the Bottle, Or, Would you know how we Drink, &c.
[...]
COme listen all you who to mirth are inclin'd,
And I'll tell you a Story shall tickle your mind;
'Tis full of Variety, Pleasant and New,
And many affirm the most part of it true;
For before I would tell you a word of a Lye,
I'd kiss an old Woman, though Phillis stood by.
In a Countrey-Village a Yeoman did dwell,
Who was greedy, yet rich, as his Neighbours do tell,
This Man had a Daughter whose beauty and fame
Through all the whole Country had gain'd her a name,
For before I would tell you, &c.
The Knight of the Field that had heard of this fair,
Like Bees to a Hive, to her Mansion repair:
To view the young Maiden, and likewise to try,
Whose Fate it should be with this Domosel to lye,
For before, &c.
They told their affections as well as they cou'd,
But that the bright Maid might be thorowly woo'd,
[...]eh Plow-shire a spokes-man for sooth with him brought
because they themselves could not court as they ought,
For before, &c.
While the Youths did contend for the beautiful prize,
And each thought he found favour i'th fair ones Eyes
The Panders their business to th' Farmer apply'd
Told each mans estate, and his Cattle beside:
For before, &c.
But Fortune to none so much treasure had lent,
As could bri [...]e the old Yeoman to yield his consent,
And therefore his mind to the Sparks he declar'd,
And at once a whole Legion of Lovers cashier'd:
For before, &c.
For the cunning old Rustick right well did conceive,
What effects too much wooing on's daughter might have
And since for a Husband not one did appear
That was fit, a worse thing to prevent he took care
For before, &c.
But yet notwithstanding the caution he us'd,
The Nymph she had tasted, or else was abus'd,
But whether she had or had not I don't know,
Yet straight you shall hear how the story doth go:
for before, &c.
As Rumour doth tell, a young fellow let fall
Some hard censures o'th Maid one a flaggon of ale,
And said though the business was privately carr'd,
She brought forth two Bastards at once, he had heard,
for before, &c.
The tale of this Maidens misfortune once known
It flew like ill news through each Country town,
And people admir'd this accident more,
Then they did at the beauty o'th Damsel before,
For before, &c.
This news to the Farmer was presently brought,
And search being made, the poor fellow was caught,
All means were in vain the old man to appease,
Till the matter was heard 'fore a Justice o'th peace,
for before, &c.
The Fellow i'th stocks was condemned to fit,
For the fault that his tongue, or her tayl did commit,
But what pomp and solemnity waited him there,
All the Volumns i'th World no such Records do bear.
for before, &c.
For his friends were resolv'd, if he Pennance must do,
He in state like a Hero in Triumph should go;
No means were neglected that mirth could inspire,
That Youth could devise, or that heart could desire.
for before, &c.
When the time of this Pageant-Procession drew near,
Which was in the heighth of the Market or Fair;
In Holiday-Cloaths all the Youth of the Town,
Walkt gravely before him to usher him on.
for before, &c.
Two Squires the Constables Office supply'd,
Who the Criminal led in their hands like a Bride:
He himself with a Chaplet of Laurel was crown'd,
And abundance of Flowers were strow'd on the ground.
for before, &c.
Next follow'd a Man like a Woman array'd,
With two Children on's back representing the Maid;
Bewailing her crime, and accusing her fate,
That had shewn her a sence of her folly too late.
for before, &c.
Then came the old Farmer i'th reer of the throng,
With Rods of correction to drive her along,
But his obstinate heart, with compassion was strook,
When he on the Innocent Bantlings did look:
for before, &c.
Paternal affection his anger subdu'd,
And pitty prevail'd when his passion was rude,
Thus bandy'd about, betwixt pitty and rage,
The Yeoman appeard like a fool on the stage,
for before, &c.
Thus in Pagentry through the whole town they did pass,
Untill they arriv'd at the commical place,
Where a Chair of Velvet in order did stand,
Submissively waiting the Fellows command;
for before, &c.
The Stocks too with Velvet was thoroughly lin'd,
Where an hour the Fellow was closely confin'd,
But the Market with loud acclamations did Ring,
And each man a present to th' Bumpkin did bring;
for before, &c.
For many repudiated lovers came there,
With Bottles in hand their delight to declare;
Where Bumpers went round, as 'tis credibly said;
For a Health to the Man, that had tickl'd the Maid.
For before, &c.
While the Father and Daughter lamenting stood by;
The Brats, with the shouts of the People did cry,
Which more did augment to the pastime and show,
Then all the proceeding Procession did to.
For before, &c.
Thus did the whole Market with Eccho's refound,
While the Fellow like Ba [...]chus with Glasses was Crown'd:
The people still roaring forth Vollies of Joy,
Which quickly did fright this short hour away.
For before, &c.
When the time was expir'd, he mounted in's Chair,
Was borne upon shoulders, like Knight of the Shire;
And to the High Cross of the Town then they went,
Where some hours in Musick and Dancing were spent.
For before, &c.
A Consort of Fiddles this pastime did grace,
And in jollity all the way home he did pass,
Attended in state, with a numerous Train,
Who waited him back to his Mansion again.
For before, &c.
And thus did this pleasant Solemnity cease,
Which did the whole Country so mightily please,
They swore by their Pan, that once every year,
That day should be kept as a Festival there.
For before I would tell you, &c.
This may be Printed R. P.
Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye-Corner.