1.

THere were two good fellows of an­cient society, (who had not seen one another in a great space of tyme) that one morning very luckily met each other in budge [...]ow, and after some signes of gladnesse to meet so happily, they agreed upon a mornings draught, which lasted almost till noon, in which time they were both sufficiently li­ [...]uor'd. But their bellies being fuller than their brains, they did resolve to bring up the rear of that mornings action, with a Cup of Canary, away they went, to the Swan-Tavern at Dowgate, where for three hours longer they sat pecking at one another, like two Game Cocks at the end of a battaile untill both their Eyes were in a very glimmering condition. In the mean time, whilst they were thus toap­ing, there fell an exceeding violent and conti­nuing glut of Rain, so that it flowed up to the threshold of the Tavern door, and no passenger could get over: By this time my good fellows [Page 3] having call'd, and paid the reckoning they both came reeling to the door, and seeing so broad a water tumbled down Dowgate, one of them swore, that it was the Thames, and began to call a Sculler, the other being unwilling to engage further, said, he would take his leave, which he did with so low a bending Complement, that his b [...]tch touch­ing a little too hard against the stump of a post which was behind him, that [...] make him rebound into the middle of the [...] with his head forward. The unfortunate fellow was no sooner in, but he began to stretch forth his Armes and Leggs to swim, the other which stood upon the shore, cryed out lamentably for the danger of his friend, and deploring the loss of so good a fellow, and what loss his wife and Children would suffer in his death. But in conclusion (as the last word of Comfort) he calls out to him in these words, Dost thou hear Friend! friend! if thou canst but Gaine Temple Staires thou wilt be safe I warrant thee, unto which the swimming man made reply, A pox of Gaine, I do not think of Gain, if I can but save my self I care not.

2.

There fell a great dispute betwixt Jockey a Scotchman, and Jenkin a Welchman, and the subiect of it was abo [...]t the fruitfullnesse of their Countries, and thus Jockey began, [Page 4] There was not a braver fruitfuller Country in the world than Leith in Scotland: The Welchman answered him again, Picot, that was false for there was no place so full of all sorts of fruits, as was in Wales. Jockey re­plyed again, that he knew a piece of ground in Scotland where the grass grew up so suddenly that if you throw a Staff in it over-night, in that time, the pasture would so over-grow it, that you wuld not see it again the next mor­ning. But Jenkin hearing this, with a great Scorne made him this answer, Py Saint Taffe that the throwing so small a thing as a Staff was nothing, for (quoth Shinkin) we have tivers pieces of Cround in our Contry, that if you turn your Horse into them, you shall not see him next morning.

3.

Two ingenious Citizens, Mr. Chambers, and Mr. Garrot, one morning took a little recreation to walk to Paddington, where by the way, they cast their eyes upon that fatall tri­vet which stands in the road, vulgarly known by the name of Tyburn. Quoth Mr. Chambers (looking upon it) Yonder is a very pretty Tenement if it had but a Garrot, I (quoth) Mr. Garrat) so it is, but it must have Cham­bers before it have a Garrat.

4.

Two gentlemen met upon the Road, be­twixt [Page 5] Ware and London, the one was a wild young Gallant who had more means than Manners, the other a very grave discreet and temperate Citizen of London; who considering his own yeares, conceived that the younger man would give him the way, and by conti­nuing his speed resolved to trye the young Gallants manners, untill their Horses heads met. But the young fellow crost expectation, and uncivilly demanded the way of his elder: who replyed, Sir since you will dispute it, I must tell you according to the rules of Civi­lity, the Elder in our Country have alwayes the way of their Younger: But the bold Vpstart answered him again, that his Horse would not give way to a Foole. To which the old man replyed, But my Horse will, and so resigned the way to my gallant.

5.

A mad young Gallant, such another as the last we talked of, having rid as he feared, out of his way, over-took a blunt Country fellow, and asked him, which was the way to Salesbu­ry? The Country man intending not only to set him right: but withall to know whether or no he had committed any error in his way thither, asked him as the manner is from whence he came, to which the surly Gallant answered, Why what is that to you from whence I came. You say true master, quoth [Page 6] the Bumkin, It is nothing to me from whence you come, nor whether you goe. So he walkt away with his hands coupled behind him, and left the gentle fool to study out his way to Salesbury.

6.

Another Gentleman as mad as the two former, riding over a hill and being doubtfull that the descent was boggish, call'd rudely to a fellow (as crosse as himself) who was making of a hedg, You sirrah, rogue. I Master quoth the Hedger. Do you live here? quoth the Gallant: Yes and please your worship quoth the Dit­cher: Quoth the Gentleman, is it hard at the bottome? I sir, replyed the Country fellow, very hard at the bottome. The Gentleman being thus assured sets Spurs to his Horse, and rid down the hill pell-mell, but before he had rid out of call from the Country fellow, his Horse was up to the belly in a slough, where he stuck fast and durst not alight: but in great fury call'd to the Ditcher, You base lying Rogue you, did not you tell me that it was hard at the bottome? True Master (re­plyed the Countryman) so it is, but you are not at the bottome yet.

7.

An old Gentleman and his man, having rid an hard dayes journey and comming into their Inne at night, the Gentleman caused [Page 7] supper to be made ready, and commanded his man to take care of his Horses, his man Iohn went to the Stable, and saw the Horses wa­tered, rubbed down and [...]tered, and fresh hay in the rack up to the top, but the Ostler ha­ving these Principles of dishonesty in him which belongeth to the whole Tribe, so soon as Iohn's back was turned, took away the hay out of the rack again, which Iohn discove­red through a hole, and was going to question it: but that he was interrupted by his Master, who having newly supp'd, call'd him to supper likewise, come Iohn take away and goe to supper, I thank God I have supp'd: but have my Horses supp'd Iohn, Yes surely Sir, said Iohn, I think they have, for I saw the Hostler take away.

8.

There was a Crosse set up in the middle of a little Market-Town, in those dayes when Crosses had more esteem than they have now, for men would very frequently when nature provoked them to advance their members, and piss against it, which was so ill-resented by some superstitious Papists who lived neer it, that he put up these two lines in wri­ting.

But an unhappy wagg who had usually in [Page 8] such a case of necessity repair'd thither, view­ing the verses laughed; and having taken them down, under writ two lines more, and stuck them up againe: the lines were these.

9.

I came into an Inne, once where some melancholy person had in a very fair hand, with a piece of Cole, written these following lines upon a wall.

10.

There was a pretty little high-spirited Gentleman whose name was Wood, who had received some affront from one Mr. Story, a very large, hig-boned comly Coward, and resolved to take revenge upon him for the in­jury wheresoever they met; which hapned: For Mr. Wood with another friend of his com­ming through Fleet-street, they met this aforesaid Mr. Story. The little man draws his Sword, and begun to make a push at [Page 9] Story, which Story put by with his hand, re­treated a little, and drew: but Mr. VVood's friend would not let him right, and diswaded him with many reasons: first, that he would be esteemed a common Quarreller to fight so publickly, but chiefly he would not have him ingage against such a man that had every way so much the advantage of him in limbs: For quoth the Gentleman, you must consider that Story is tall. To which little VVood made this replie, I'de pluck him down were he three stories high.

11.

A little crooked Gentleman had lately taken a very fair house to dwell in, and ha­ving nobly furnished it, he invites a friend of his who was a very merry man to see it, and to judge of his bargaine: so having shewed him all the Rooms, the Gentleman asked him what rent he paid? The Crooked man an­swered him, that he gave an hundred pounds for a fine, and fifty pounds a year. Quoth his friend, I do not like your bargain. No quoth the Crooked man, I am told that it is a very good penny worth. I am not of their mind▪ replyed his friend, for would any man be so mad to give fifty pounds a year for a house, that he cannot stand upright in. So they both laught and went to dinner.

12.

One being asked the Question, why a Dog goes about before he lyes down, was answe­red by another, because he goes about to lye down.

13.

There was a certain dishonest person, a Scrivener whose name was Smith, who ha­ving been found guilty of counterfeiting hands to a false deed, was threatned to be sued and indited for forgery, to which he made reply, do your worst, I shall come off well enough I warrant you: my name is Smith, and if a Smith may not have the liberty of forgeing how shall he performe his function?

14.

An old merry Parson that lived in the old merry dayes, being a little purblind by being a very good fellow that would alwayes pay his Clubb, having sat up too late on the satter­day night was a little unfitted in his eyes to read right the next morning turning to a Chap­ter in Exodus, the beginning of the Chapter began thus, And God told Moses, &c. but his eyes failing him like a true Clubber he read thus, And God told Noses, &c.

15.

A Company of good Companions made a match to goe to Green-goose fair, where most commonly there are very sawcie Reckonings, [Page 11] and so they found it: but one thirsty person amongst the rest grumbled at it, and said he neer paid so dear for a Goose in his life, but another answered him (who had been a nota­ble wencher) that it was very cheap, for He had a Goose once at Winchester that cost him ten pounds.

16.

There was a Gentleman whose onely stu­dy and practice was Manhood, as [...]ootball-playing, Wrastling, Pitching the ha [...] throw­ing of Weights, Riding, and Fo [...]ing, in which active practises he was so perfect, that he over-match'd all men that came [...]eer him, insomuch, that he was the Glory of the West of England, and he was Conquers of all men that came to him, and grew [...] that he could not find any man fit to [...] him, but it happened, that one day after hunting at a drinking Match in an Ale-house, by chance he met a North Countryman, [...] was highly extolling a great Gamester like himself in the North, who performed all exercises that were manly, and a person that was an over-com­mer of all that durst engage him. The Western Gentleman desired his name and habitation, which was soon told him, bu [...] when he heard he was impatient of further [...], and there­fore in order for a Iourney to him he provi­ded himself of all [...], and rid into [Page 12] the North, where with little enquiry he found the Gentleman's house, and knocking at the Gate, he was informed by a Servant that his Master was in his Parke a mile off. The Traveller returned thanks, and with his Horse in his hand (guided by the Servants direction) he went to him, where he found him mending of a pale. Now take notice that this North Country Gentleman was a very stout man▪ but of very few words: and the Western Gentleman of as many, who thus began to accost him: Sir, I have intelligence that you are the stoutest man in all the North, and I am as highly reputed in the West, which hath provoked me to find you, out that we may trye both our strength, and our skill, so far that for­tune [...] may Crown one of us, the only glor [...]us man in England. The North Country-man was still at his worke: but heard distinctly all that he said: but returned no answer, onely when the other had ended speaking, and expected a reply, the North Country man comes fairly to him, puts his hand under his twist, and pitcheth him over the Park pales, the VVest Country man see him do that so easily, began to think there was no contending with him, and therefore very civilly with his Hat in his hand, gave him a return in these words, I thank you Sir hearti­ly. Pray throw my Horse over too.

17.

A Souldier, who amongst many others be­ing found guilty of mutiny, was condemned with his Companions by a Councill of Warre to throw the Dice for his life, for such a certain number was to dye, and they of them were on­ly to live, according to the favour of the Dice. So they all threw but one man, who was very obstinate and would not throw, they told him he must, but he answered them that he had made a Solemn oath never to throw a Dye whilst he lived, and he would not be for­sworn, but that would not serve his turne, for at the last they put them in his hand, and he threw them away from him. But they that tooke them up againe found their chance to be two sixes and it went for a Cast, and saved him.

18.

There was a Gentleman who had been ve­ry smartly drinking at the Feathers Tavern in Cheapside, where there is a very long entry from the street door to the Bar, and a drinking roome by the way, where were many civill persons with their wives at supper, but their door was only shut to and not latched; and this Gentleman staggering thorough reeld against this door, and fell head-long into the Room, to the sudden astonishment of the Company, who rise up and demanded the reason of that rude­nesse, [Page 14] the poor Gentleman with very much a­doe got up, and staggering with his hat in his hand he made hard shift to cry them all mer­cy in these words: Gentlemen and Ladyes, I pray excuse my boldnesse, and consider, I am not the first that have fallen into ill Com­pany.

19.

A Wenching fellow having beene out all night, was asked where he had been? Who was answered, a hunting. A hunting quoth the other: where I prethee? marry in Blooms­bury Park replyed the fellow, how quoth his friend in Bloomsbury Park? that was too lit­tle purpose for I am sure there is ne're a Hare in it.

20.

A Gentleman having been late out was at midnight going home to his Lodging, but by the way the Watch in Cheapside call'd him, which he took no notice of but jogg'd home as fast as he could stride, they call'd him again and again, but still he answered not; untill at the last the Constable commanded four of them to fetch him in, they followed him, over­took him, and told him he must goe before the Constable: so with some unwillingness they brought him back to the Constable, whom he charged of uncivility for stopping him in his way home. I cry you mercy quoth the Con­stable, [Page 15] I pray how am I uncivill? Yes marry are you quoth the Gentleman, for sending your bills to me after I have paid the reck­oning.

21.

A Gentleman who had constantly beene a good fellow, meeting with some of his friends at a mornings draught, told his Companions that God forgive him, he went to bed like a beast last night, why quoth they? were you so drunk? No quoth he I was so sober.

22.

There were two notable boon Companions which when they met were alwayes so indea­red to each others Company, that very seldom an earlier houre than midnight could part them, but when they were drunk they had two troublesome infirmities, Jack could not goe nor VVill could not speak, therefore one night before they fell to drinking, they made Articles of agreement that when they were drunke VVill should carry Jack; and Jack should speak for VVill, and after this agreement to drink­ing they went pell-mell, untill the one was drunk, and the other lame, so after they had paid the Reckoning, VVill takes up Jack a pick-pack and carries him to Ludgate, and be­ing very weary sets him down in the dark on a bench close by the prison. The Constable and Watch who were within the Gate, hearing [Page 16] a bustle; called out, saying, Who goes there▪ come before the Constable, VVill could goe wel enough, but could not speak, so he went over to the Constable, who examined him whence he came, and why he was out so late, and where he lived, to which VVill could an­swer nothing: but make mouths: but Jack having his tongue at liberty as he was sitting in the blind hole cryes to the Constable: Sir, he cannot speak. Vpon that the Constable asked who was that which spake, and commanded him to come before him; to which, Jack made answer Sir I can't goe, at which the Consta­ble and Watch laught, VVill took up his load again, and away they marcht.