AN Abbot leaving Rome, unſatisfy'd that he could not ſee the Pope all the while he was there, ſaid, That the Pope was no more the Viſible Head of the Church.

'Tis ſaid of Pope Boniface VIII, that he came in like a Fox, reigned like a Lion, and died like a Dog. He came to the Papal Chair in 1295, and held it above ſeven Years. During which he perſecuted the Gibelline Faction, to the utmoſt of his Power. And they run ſo much in his head that, when the Arch-Biſhop of Genoua came before him upon Aſh-Wedneſday to receive the Aſhes, according to the Cuſtom of the Roman Church, inſtead of ſaying, Memento quòd Cinis es, & in Cinerem reverteris, the Words uſed in that Ceremony, he miſtook the Point, and told him, Memento quòd Gibellinus es, & cum Gibellinis morieris.

Pope Alexander VIII, was 79 Years old, when he came to the Papal See, and in three Weeks time he raiſed all his Nephews. He deſired to know by one of his familiar Friends what the World ſaid of him; who anſwered, that his Diligence in raiſing his Family was all the Talk of the Town. Oh! Oh! reply'd he, ſono vinti-tre hore e mezza, 'tis half an hour paſt 23, meaning his Time was near expired. Now in Italy the Clocks ſtrike 24 Hours, whereas ours go not beyond 12.

A Countryman, who lookt upon the Pope as a God on Earth, pray'd his Holineſs, that he might have two Crops every Year. You ſhall have it, ſaid the Pope, but then every Year muſt be of Twenty four Months.

Favoriti, the late Pope's Secretary, reading to his Holineſs ſome Briefs that he had drawn, and explaining them unto him in Italian, the Pope wept for Joy, ſaying, Coſa diranno di noi nella Poſterita, quando vederanno coſi bella Latinita noſtra? That is to ſay, What will Poſterity ſay of us, when they ſee this our elegant Latine?

An Aſtrologer having foretold Pope Ʋrban VIII, that a Comet ſhould appear about the middle of his Reign, the Pope fell ſick, when the Comet appeared. But, whereas he flattered himſelf, by the foreſaid Prediction, that his Reign was but half ſpent, he unexpectedly died, and ſo ended both his Life and Reign.

Pope Alexander VIII, being wrought upon by the Spaniſh Embaſſador in order to declare againſt France, the Embaſſador, to induce him to it, told him, that France was in a ſinking Condition, that it was impoſſible for her to hold out againſt ſo many Powers, and that the King was not able any longer to maintain his Armies. 'Tis true, anſwered the Pope, but he makes 'em ſubſist at the Coſt and Charge of his Neighbours.

THE Cardinal of Retz, being recalled by the French King, went to throw himſelf at his Majeſty's feet. Who, taking him up by the hand, told his Eminence, that he wondered to ſee him with a hoary Head. Sir, reply'd the Cardinal, Thus it is to fall under Your Majeſty's Diſpleaſure.

This great Man, ſays my Author, lived like himſelf in great State; in order to which he was fain to borrow, but took great care to pay. Before his laſt Voyage to Rome, he ſent for all his Creditors, caſt up his Accounts with them, and told them he had but ſuch a Sum to pay 'em in ſome ſhort Time, and that his Brother then preſent would ſtand Security for it. To which his Creditors made this civil Return, that, far from being come to ask for their Money, they had ſome at his Service. A Lady amongst the reſt ſtood up and offered him 5000 Crowns; which ſhe praid him to accept, to ſupply his Occaſions. The Cardinal, amazed at ſo great Civility, expreſſed his Senſe of it in a moſt decent manner. And turning about to his Hatter, It grieves me, ſays he, that I muſt leave this good Man unpaid, to whom I owe a conſiderable Sum. 'Tis true, anſwered the Hatter, that I am put to great Straits; but, that your Eminence may ſee, I will not come ſhort of any of your Creditors in point of Civility and Reſpect to your Perſon, here are three Hats more, which I beg your Eminence to accept of, and carry with you to Rome. This exceſſive Kindneſs from an ordinary Tradeſman, as it ſurpriſed all the Company, ſo it drew Tears from the Cardinal, with Thanks to Providence for the good Will of all of them towards him. And, after his Death, his Brother did ſo punctually anſwer the Cardinal's juſt Meaning, that none of his Creditors loſt any Thing by him.

A Gentleman, who was great with the foreſaid Cardinal, went every where with him, except to Church. Which gave occaſion to his Eminence to tell him, he was his Friend, uſque ad Aras.

An Author having dedicated a Latine Book to Cardinal Richelieu, and ſent him a Copy of it; the Cardinal anſwered his Civility in theſe three Words only, Accepi, Legi, Probavi; that is, I have peruſed the Book you ſent me, and do Approve of it.

Varillas ſpeaking to one of Cardinal Baronius, Ah! poor Baronius, ſays he, with his Twelve great Volumes, it was God's great Mercy, that he did write no more.

Cardinal Mazarine being told, the Peace he had made was not advantagious to the People, made this Return, 'Tis a young Tree, ſays he, that bears no Fruit as yet, dabit Fructum ſuum in tempore.

Inſtead of ſaying, that a certain Biſhop was made Cardinal, the uſual ſaying was, that he was got into the College of Cardinals, it being the firſt College he hapned to be a Member of.

A Biſhop at Rome came to acquaint Cardinal Pole, that he was going to his Dioceſs for a Month. I am glad on't, ſaid the Cardinal, for your ſake, you will ſuffer ſo much the leſs in Purgatory.

A Biſhop being gone to Rome to make his Court, in order to be made a Cardinal, the Pope told him one Day, that he was informed of his being a Baſtard. To which he made this Anſwer, V. S. a fatto tanti altri Cardinali Aſini che potrebbe far un Mulo; That is to ſay, Your Holineſs has made ſo many Aſſes Cardinals, that you may as well raiſe a Mule to that Dignity.

Another being gone to Rome for the ſame Purpoſe, came home re infectâ, and brought a great Cold with him. Which one attributed to his Coming home without a Cardinal's Cap.

A French Biſhop being conſecrated in the Sorbonne, in the preſence of a great many Biſhops, making a Semicircle in the Dome, a Lady raviſhed with the ſight of them in ſuch Order ſaid, that ſhe thought her ſelf in Paradiſe. In Paradiſe, reply'd a Gentleman who ſtood by her, there are not ſo many Biſhops of our Church to be ſeen.

A Gaſcoon, bearing a Grudge againſt the Biſhop of Bazas his Dioceſan, ſwore a great Oath, he would never ſay Prayers any more in his Dioceſs. Croſſing over a River, the Boat had a Miſchance, which made it leak. The Waterman, ſeeing his Boat ſinking, warned the Gaſcoon to commend his Soul to God. Ay but, ſaid he, are we ſtill in the Bazadois? meaning the foreſaid Biſhop's Dioceſs.

Upon ones ſaying, that a certain Biſhop had the Gout; another that ſtood by alledged the Canon that ſays, Si quis dixerit Epiſcopum podagrâ laborare, Anathema ſit.

The Biſhop of Grace in France, having preached a Sermon upon Grace, I have heard (ſaid the Biſhop of Bellay, one of his Hearers) a Sermon upon Grace, delivered with a good grace, by the Biſhop of Grace.

Some Country Biſhops, being with the Arch-Biſhop of Paris, told him, they were amazed at one Thing in his Conduct, that he never had any Difference with his Chapter. 'Tis my Opinion, anſwered the Arch-Biſhop, that none but Country-Huſbands will fall a cudgelling their Wives.

The ſame Arch-Biſhop being made Duke and Peer of France, Now (ſaid one) it cannot be ſaid that Paris is Peerleſs.

A Biſhop being often out when he preached, and a Lady hapning to ſee his Picture ſomewhere, One would think (ſays ſhe) that he preaches.

A Biſhop of Grenoble in Dauphiné, who uſed to wear a long Beard, had ſomething faln upon it, as he was eating. Which a Servant of his taking notice of, told him, ſomething did ſtick to his Greatneſſes Beard. Why not rather, ſaid one that ſat by, Ʋpon the Greatneſs of your Beard?

Another French Biſhop, of great Worth, but a profeſſed Enemy to Monks, had ſome Difference with a great Cardinal, who then governed the Kingdom of France. This Cardinal however had him in ſo great eſteem, that he reſolved to draw him into his Party, in order to which he offered him an Abbey. Which the Biſhop refuſed, ſaying, that his Conſcience would not allow of Plurality of Livings. The Cardinal, amazed at ſo unuſual a Nicety of Conſcience amongſt Clergymen, made him this Return. My Lord, ſays he, you are a good Man; and I would Canonize you for a Saint, if you had not writ (as you have) againſt the Monks. Would to God, reply'd the Biſhop, that it were in your Power, and that I deſerved it, then we ſhould be both ſatisfy'd. Thus he ingeniouſly checkt the Cardinal's Ambition, by telling him, that, if he Canonized him, they ſhould be both ſatisfy'd. For then the Cardinal muſt be Pope, and he a Saint, which was the Thing they aimed at.

A Biſhop, intertaining ſeveral Prelates at Dinner, made a great ſhew of his wonderful Quantity of Gold and Silver Plate, made by the beſt Workmen that could be got. The Magnificence whereof being admired by the Company, This I purchaſed, ſaid the Biſhop, in order to aſſist the Poor of my Dioceſs. To which one of the Company anſwered ingeniouſly, My Lord, you might have ſpared them the Charge of the Making.

A Biſhop, in the Reign of Henry VIII, being appointed by the King to go to King Francis I, with the Character of Embaſſador, in a dangerous Juncture, he repreſented to the King, that ſuch a threatning Embaſſy as he charged him with to ſo high-ſpirited a Prince as Francis I, would go near to coſt him his Life, and therefore begg'd of the King, he would be pleaſed to diſpenſe him with that Commiſſion. Fear nothing, ſaid the King to him, if the French King were ſo bold as to take away your Life, I ſhould infallibly revenge your Death, by taking off many Heads for one from the French now in my Power. I am apt to believe it, reply'd the Biſhop, ſmiling, but of all thoſe many Heads there is none ſo fit for my Shoulders as this Head of mine.

NOLI videri ſapiens coram Principe, is a Leſſon of wiſe Solomon, which puts me in mind of a Portugueze Stateſman. Whoſe Prince, the King of Portugal, being about to ſend to the Pope, commanded him to write a Letter, whilſt he wrote another, in order to ſend that which he ſhould like beſt of the two. The Lot fell to the Stateſman's Letter, as the beſt penned. Who therefore fled into Spain, thinking himſelf not ſafe in Portugal, upon the King's Opinion, that he had outdone him.

When the Wars in Q. Elizabeth's Time were hot between England and Spain, there were Commiſſioners on both Sides appointed to Treat of Peace. Dr. Dale, a Maſter of Requeſts, was one named by the Queen for that purpoſe, and the Place of Congreſs a Town of the French King's. Where the Commiſſioners on both Sides being met, it was firſt debated in what Tongue the Negotiation ſhould be handled. One of the Spaniſh Commiſſioners thinking to give ours a ſhrewd Gird, propoſed the French Tongue (wherein they were beſt skilled) as moſt fit. And for theſe Gentlemen of England, I ſuppoſe (ſays he) they cannot be Ignorant of the Language of their Fellow-Subjects, their Queen being Queen of France, as well as of England. Nay in faith, my Maſters, (replied Dr. Dale) the French Tongue is too vulgar for a Buſineſs of this Secrecy and Importance, eſpecially in a French Town. We will therefore rather treat in Hebrew, the Language of Jeruſalem, whereof your Maſter is King; and I ſuppoſe you are therein as well skilled, as we in the French Tongue.

A Perſon of Quality going upon an Embaſſy, had this particular Inſtruction from his Prince, that his Conduct ſhould be directly oppoſite to that of his Predeceſſor. To which he anſwered, Sir, I ſhall ſo carry my ſelf, that your Majeſty ſhan't need to give the like Inſtruction to any one that ſhall ſucceed me.

A Lady ſpeaking to a prime Miniſter of State about an Affair of Conſequence, and having no Anſwer from him, Pray, my Lord, ſaid ſhe unto him, ſhew me ſome Sign that you underſtand me.

To a learned Man one may ſay, Scire tuum Nihil eſt, niſi te ſcire hoc ſciat alter; thy Knowledg ſignifies nothing, unleſs it be known to the World. To a Stateſman, on the contrary, one muſt ſay, Si ſciat hoc alter, ſcire tuum nihil eſt, thy Knowledg avails nothing, unleſs it be private to thy ſelf. For the main part of his Learning is to know, how to keep Counſel.

A Miniſter of the Emperor, reſiding before the War at the Court of France, walked one day with ſeveral Courtiers in the Gallery of Verſailles. Viewing ſome Pictures there, that ſet forth the greateſt Actions of the King, We have alſo (ſays he) wherewithal to ſet out a great Gallery, by the Emperor's Conqueſts. 'Tis true, anſwered a Courtier, and the Duke of Lorrain will have a great Share therein. By which Anſwer he meant to inſinuate, that, whereas the glorious Actions of King Lewis were performed by himſelf, or at leaſt in his Preſence, thoſe of the Emperor were only performed by his Proxy the Duke of Lorrain, and in the Emperor's Abſence.

An old French Courtier, being grievouſly afflicted with the Gout, received a Viſit of a Prince of the Royal Blood, of whoſe Party he had formerly been. That which grieves me moſt of all (ſays he to the Prince) in the Condition I am in, is, that I have quitted your Service. You ought not to grieve for that, anſwered the Prince, now you have the Honour to belong to the King. 'Tis true, replied the Courtier, but had I not quitted your Service, I had been long ſince free from the Pain I now ſuffer. Thus he cunningly taxed the Prince with forſaking of his Friends, after he had involved them in a Rebellion, for which they had been executed.

A Venetian Embaſſador going to the Court of Rome, paſſed through Florence, where he went to pay his Reſpects to the late Duke of Tuſcany. The Duke complaining to him of the Embaſſador the State of Venice had ſent him, as a Man unworthy of his Character; Your Highneſs, ſays he, muſt not wonder at it, for we have many idle Pates at Venice. So we have, reply'd the Duke, in Florence, but we don't ſend them abroad to treat of publick Affairs.

A Prince, jeering one of his Courtiers whom he had employ'd in ſeveral Embaſſies, told him he looked like an Ox. I know not, anſwered he, whom I am like unto; but this I know, that I have had the honour ſeveral times to Repreſent your Perſon. A free and pleaſant Repartee, which required a great Familiarity betwixt the Subject and the Prince to be free from Cenſure.

A Roman, having entertained at Dinner Mecenas, Auguſtus his Favourite, Mecenas fell entertaining of his Wife with amorous Careſſes, whilſt her Husband made as if he had been aſleep, to give him the more liberty. In the mean time ſpying one of his Slaves, who was ſtealing of a golden Cup, Thou Rogue (ſays he) doſt not thou ſee that I ſleep only for Mecenas?

A French Courtier, admired for his courtly Carriage, but eſpecially for his Art in reviving a drooping Converſation, ſeeing one day the Court-Ladies ſtand mute before the Queen, amongſt which was Madame de Guimené, broke ſilence, and addreſſing himſelf to the Queen, Is not this, Madam, ſays he, an odd Thing in Nature, that Madame de Guimené and I being born on the ſame Day, and at no further diſtance of Time than a quarter of an hour, yet ſhe ſhould be ſo fair, and I ſo black?

The Duke of Orleans, being in a hot Summer day in the Garden of Luxemburg, between two Pavilions, where the Reflexion of the Sun made the Heat exceſſive, one of his Attendants took upon him to tell his R. H. that Princes loved no Body. That can't be apply'd to me, ſaid the Duke, who love my Friends very well. If Your Higneſs, ſaid another, do's not love 'em boyled, you love 'em however well roſted.

The Dauphin, the Prince of Conty, and the young Admiral of France the Count of Vermandois, with ſeveral other Perſons of great Quality, walking one Day along the Canal of Verſailles, one came to the young Admiral. And there being upon the Canal a Boat within reach, Now, my Lord Admiral, ſays he, take upon you the Command of this Veſſel, and make a Trial of Skill. But, whilſt he excuſed himſelf upon his Want of Experience, a Gentleman ſtepping amongſt them brought off the Admiral, ſaying, That he was not a freſh-Water Admiral.

Henry IV of France being come to Rouen, a Preſident who came to harang him, fell ſhort of his Speech, and could not conclude it. A Courtier near the King's Perſon told His Majeſty, Sir, 'tis no wonder, for the Normans are mighty apt to fall ſhort of their Word.

The ſame King going into a Lady's Chamber, one of his Courtiers hid himſelf under the Bed. A Collation being brought in ſoon after, the King threw a Box full of Sweet-meats under the Bed, ſaying, Every body muſt live.

A French Marqueſs uſed to brag every where, that he had writ to the Queen. Another, who met him by chance in the Palace, cry'd out to him, Sir, I beg the favour of you to Remember me to the Queen, next time you write to Her Majeſty.

A great Officer in the French King's Court, ſhewing his noble Terraſs to the Prince of Guimené, told him it ſtood him but in 25000 Livers. The Prince, who well knew how he came by the Money, made this ſmart Repartee, I thought, ſays he, the King had paid for it.

A great Bell being made uſe of at a Nobleman's Houſe to ring to Dinner, a Courtier who was to dine with him ſaid, Will the Dinner anſwer to the Bell?

An Italian being at Dinner with a Court-Officer, who had ſpent all his Eſtate, and ſold a Lordſhip he had, minded how little he did eat, Your Lordſhip (ſays he) do's not eat. No, anſwered the prodigal Courtier, for 'tis all eaten.

Something to that purpoſe are theſe French Verſes, made upon one by Monſieur de Furetiere; Paul vend ſa Maiſon de S. Clou, A maints Creanciers engagée. Il dit par tout, qu'il en eſt ſoû; Je le croi, car il l'a mangée.

A French Courtier, who made it his Buſineſs to be conſtantly at Court, and to appear in the King's Preſence, to relate afterwards in Company what he heard the King ſay, telling one day an old Courtier, that he had ſuch an Account the Night before from the King's Mouth. And I, anſwered the old Courtier, heard yeſterday Father Bourdaloues Sermon, who preached to me the fineſt Things that ever I heard. By which Anſwer he ſhewed him the Vanity of his Oſtentation, in appropriating to himſelf alone what the King had ſaid to many more that heard him.

In the late French King's Reign there was a Preſident called Gouſſaut, well known for his weak Parts. A Courtier playing at Picket in a publick Place, and finding he had committed an Errour, I am (ſays he) a meer Gouſſaut. The Preſident, who chanced to be there unknown to the Courtier, told him, that he was a Sot. You ſay right, replied the Courtier, that's it I meant to ſay.

Another, intertaining ſeveral Gentlemen at Dinner, had but one Page to wait at Table. Growing warm with the Company, and deſiring them to be merry, and drink chearfully, Then (ſaid one of them) give us Change for your Page; Meaning, that he muſt change his Page into Footmen to ſerve 'em with Wine, as a piece of Gold is changed for ſeveral Pieces of leſs Value.

Another being robbed, going over the Pont-neuf, and relating the Circumſtances of it, I don't care (ſays he) ſo much for the Loſs of my Money, as for that of ſome Love-Letters I had received from my Miſtris, which the Rogues took along with it. 'Tis ten to one, anſwered one of the Company, but they will find out whoſe Hand it was. Whereby he inſinuated, as if he had Pick-pockets for his Rivals.

A Citizen telling a Courtier, that he had juſt then eaſed himſelf of a great Burden by paying a Debt he owed, and that he could not apprehend how any Man could ſleep that was in Debt; For my part, anſwered the Courtier, I ſhould rather wonder how my Creditors can ſleep, well knowing that I ſhall never pay 'em.

Another Courtier, being a Confident of the Amours of Henry IV of France, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Diſpatch whereof he apply'd himſelf to the Lord High Chancellor. Who finding ſome Obſtacle in it, the Courtier ſtill inſiſted upon the Grant, and would not allow of any Impediment. Que chacun ſe mêle de ſon Metier, ſaid the Chancellour to him, that is, let every one meddle with his own Buſineſs. The Courtier thinking, that he reflected upon him for his Confidence, My Imployment (ſaid he) is ſuch, that, if the King were but twenty Years younger, I would not change it for three of yours.

A Marqueſs, having got out of the Baſtille, where he had been impriſoned for a ſlight Offence, came to Court, and did his utmoſt to be taken notice of by the King. Who, being conſcious that he had been too ſevere upon him, had ſome check upon him for it, inſomuch that His Majeſty did not care to look upon him. The Marqueſs perceiving it, made his Addreſs to a Duke, and prayed him to inform the King, that he freely forgave him, and begged of his Majeſty that he would be pleaſed afterwards to look upon him. The Duke told the King, who being pleaſed with it, ſhewed ever ſince a gracious Countenance to the Marqueſs.

A rich Partiſan of France, who formerly had been a Lackey, going faſt in his Coach through the Streets of Paris, a Lady walking by was beſpattered with Dirt by his Horſes. This Man (ſays ſhe, ſpeaking of the Partiſan) is of a revengeful Spirit, he dirties us, becauſe we have dirtied him.

The ſame Lady went to Law with another Partiſan, who had alſo been a Lackey; and being gone to wait upon a Magiſtrate, who was to be a Judg in the Caſe, ſhe ſtaid ſome time with her Liverymen in his Withdrawing Room, till he came out of his Chamber. When he came out, he wondered to ſee a Lady of her Quality with none but her Footmen; and was very angry with his Servants, for want of their Information. A ſhame, ſays he, to leave here a Lady of your Quality with none but Lackeys about you. Pray, Sir, reply'd the Lady, be not concerned at it, I am very well pleaſed with my Lackeys, and like them beſt whilſt they keep in that Station. Thus ſhe cunningly reflected upon her adverſe Party.

Sir Walter Rawleigh asking a Favour of Queen Elizabeth, Sir Walter, ſaid the Queen, When d'ye mean to leave off Begging? When your Gracious Majeſty, reply'd he, leaves off Giving.

CAius Caeſar and Bibulus were Conſuls of Rome together. But this Bibulus had done ſo little for the Common-wealth, that when this Conſulſhip was quoted, becauſe two Conſuls muſt be named, the Saying was, In the Conſulſhip of Caius and Caeſar, not of Caius Caeſar and Bibulus.

So ambitious were the Romans of the Conſulſhip, that when Maximus died on the laſt Day of his, Caninius petition'd, that he might fill up as Conſul the remaining part of that Day. Upon which Tully made this witty Jeſt, O vigilantem Conſulem, qui toto Conſulatus ſui tempore ſomnum Oculos non vidit! O watchful Conſul, who did not ſhut his Eyes all the time of his Conſulſhip!

Cato the Cenſor being asked, how it came to paſs, that he had no Statue erected in his Honour, who had ſo well deſerved of the Common-wealth? I had rather (ſays he) have this Queſtion asked me, than why I had one erected.

Fabricius, a Roman Conſul, upon the Offer made to him by King Pyrrhus his Phyſician, to get him poiſoned, ſent him back his Phyſician with theſe words, Learn, O thou King, to make a better Choice both of thy Friends and Foes.

Clodius being to be tried for his Life by Roman Judges, whom he had bribed with Money to get him off, they deſired a Guard to ſecure them, ſo that the Trial might be free and undiſturbed. But Clodius being acquitted, one Catulus made this Reflexion upon them. What made you, ſays he, ſo eager for a Convoy? Were you afraid to be robbed of the Money you had of Clodius?

After the Reduction of Paris to Henry IV, a Mareſchal of France formerly againſt the King, was bribed into a Submiſſion to him. The Provoſt of Merchants of that City having newly made his Submiſſion in the Name of the City, the ſaid Mareſchal told him, that we ought to render unto Caeſar the Things that are Caeſar's. My Lord, ſaid the Provoſt, we muſt render it, not ſell it, reflecting upon the Mareſchal, as a Man bought off out of Rebellion into his Allegiance.

No leſs Ingenious was the Anſwer of a Lord Mayor to our King James I. Who being diſpleaſed with the City, for refuſing to lend him a Sum of Money he required, threatned that he would remove his Court, with all the Records of the Tower, and the Courts of Judicature, to another Place, with farther Expreſſions of his Indignation. Your Majeſty, anſwered the Lord Mayor calmly, may do what you pleaſe therein, and your City of London will ſtill prove dutiful; but ſhe comforts her ſelf with the Thoughts that Your Majeſty will leave the Thames behind you. Whereby he gave the King to underſtand, that as long as the Thames ſhould run before the City of London, it could not fail of flouriſhing by the Advantage of Trade, whatever Diſadvantages it lay under on his Majeſty's Side.

Witty, but perhaps too Jocoſe for his Circumſtances, was the Anſwer of Sir Thomas Moor Lord Chancellor in the Reign of Henry VIII. Who, being committed to the Tower by the King, would not ſuffer his Hair or Beard to be cut. And being asked the Reaſon of it, The King and I, ſays he, are at Law about my Head, and I will be at no Charge to ſet it off, till I know at whoſe Diſpoſal it muſt be.

The Lord Bacon, before his great Preferment, received a Viſit from Queen Elizabeth in a Country-houſe lately built by him. What made you, ſaid the Queen to him, build your Houſe ſo little? Madam, anſwered he to the Queen, I do not build it too little, but 'tis Your Majeſty that made me too great for my Houſe. An ingenious Anſwer, expreſſing in few Words both his Modeſty and Gratitude.

When the Doge of Genoua came not long ſince in Perſon to the French Court, with Submiſſions from the Republick little ſutable to a Sovereign State, being at Verſailles, and viewing the Magnificence thereof, he was asked by one of the Court, What he thought in it moſt worthy his Admiration? To ſee my ſelf here, anſwered the Doge very pat.

A Lady uſed conſtantly to wait upon another at the beginning of every Year, to know what Age they muſt go for that Year.

A Lady of wonderful Beauty telling another, It was a wonder to ſee her, received this handſom Return, And when I ſee you, Madam, I may ſay I ſee a Miracle.

One that had a Petticoat extravagantly dawbed with Gold and Silver, was wittily asked, What Goldſmith had made her Peticoat.

It was the way of the late Q. Chriſtina of Sweden to appear always in a Juſtaucor and a Wig. When ſhe came to Fontainebleau, a Country Palace of the French King, ſeveral Court-Ladies come to wait on Her Majeſty, ſtept to ſalute her with a Kiſs. The Queen, not liking of it, dropt theſe words, What Paſſion tranſports theſe Ladies to kiſs me thus? Is it becauſe I look like a young Man?

A Grandee of Spain having a Collar on of the Order of the Golden Fleece, (which the Prince's Favour, not his own Merit, had procured) took particular Notice of a ſparkling Diamond a Court-Lady wore upon one of her Fingers, and ſaid he had rather have the Ring than the Lady. But ſhe fitted him as well. For, having over-heard it, ſhe preſently made this Return upon him, And I ſhould rather chuſe the Halter than the Horſe, meaning him by the Horſe, and by the Halter his Collar.

An Author holding a fair Lady with both his hands, ſhe got it off from 'em. Upon which a Gentleman that ſtood by told him, Sir, 'tis the fineſt Piece of Work that ever came out of your hands.

A Gentleman leading a Lady by the hand, ſhe told him, he held her too faſt. Madam, reply'd he, I'le lay with your Ladyſhip that before we part, you will hold me as faſt. She laid to the contrary. And, whilſt they were ſtepping into a Room, the Gentleman made as if his foot ſlipt; which made her hold him faſt by the hand, to keep him from falling. And then ſhe owned that ſhe loſt the Wager.

A Lady, in company with a Gentleman, fell diſcourſing about the Influences of the Month of May, when not only the Earth, but all Creatures living upon it, find themſelves revived by the Sun's Heat. After a pretty long Diſcourſe on this Subject, I dare truſt my Honeſty, ſaid ſhe to the Gentleman, all other Months of the Year, which I dare not in May.

The Place of a Maid of Honour, ſaid one, is very Tickliſh, and difficult to keep.

A Curtizan of Rome took place in a Church near a vertuous Lady; Who no ſooner knew her, but ſhe removed to another place. The Curtizan obſerving it, Why ſhould you, Madam, remove thus for my ſake? ſaid ſhe to the Lady, my Infirmity never proves catching but to ſuch as deſire it.

A Spaniſh Lady reading in a French Romance a long Converſation betwixt two Lovers, What a deal of Wit (ſays the Lady) is here ill beſtowed? They were together, and they were alone.

A Court-Lady gone to ſee Verſailles in the King's Abſence, Is not this, ſaid one to her, an Inchanted Pallace? 'Tis ſo, ſaid ſhe, but it wants the Inchanter, meaning the King.

An ancient Lady going to viſit a great Man at the point of Death, his Daughter refuſed to let her into his Chamber, ſaying, that her Father was not fit for Womens Viſits. Madam, anſwered the Lady, there is no Diſtinction of Sex at my Age.

A Gallant, taking his Leave of his dear Miſtris, upon a Journey he could not diſpenſe with, they parted with much ado, and with great Reluctancy. At laſt ſhe told him, Pray, make all the haſte you can, and remember that a Miſtris is a Benefice that requires Reſidence.

'Tis the Way in Savoy, the firſt time one has his Vein breathed, to be preſented by his Friends. A Young Man of that Country, having received a Preſent from his Miſtris upon ſuch an Occaſion, returned her Thanks for it, with theſe Words, You have (ſays he) conſidered the Wound of my Arm, but you forget that of my Heart.

A Gentlewoman who had two Gallants, one of 'em with a wooden Leg, grew big with Child, and the Queſtion was which of them ſhould father it. He that had the wooden Leg offered to decide it thus. If the Child, ſays he, comes into the World with a wooden Leg, I ſhall father it; if not, the Child ſhall be yours.

Another young Lady was to be ſent to a Nunnery of Filles Repenties, or Converted Maidens. But a Lady oppoſed it; and being asked the Reaſon, Becauſe (ſays ſhe) ſhe is neither Converted, nor Maiden.

Another as wanton as the former, blaming her Brother's extravagant Paſſion for Gaming, When will you leave off Gaming? ſaid ſhe to him. When you ceaſe to Love, then I ſhall ceaſe to Play, anſwered he. Then, reply'd the Siſter, you are like to be a Gameſter as long as you live.

A Coldneſs having continued ſome time betwixt two Perſons that formerly had a Love for each other, they met accidentally in a Place, where they fell to play. But, ſaid the Gentleman, What is it we play for? For a Return of Love, ſaid the Lady.

AN eminent Counſellor at Law, being asked why he took upon him ſo many bad Cauſes, being ſo good a Lawyer; I have (ſays he) been caſt in ſo many good Cauſes, and got the better in ſo many bad ones, that I am to ſeek which to chuſe.

Lyſias having given his Plea to his adverſe Party to peruſe, this read it three times, and gave his Thoughts of it in theſe Words. The firſt time (ſays he) I read it, I liked it well; the ſecond time, not ſo well; and the third, not at all. Then, reply'd Lyſias, it will paſs, for the Court will hear it but once.

A Counſellor blind of one Eye, pleading at the Bar with his Spectacles on, ſaid, he would produce nothing but what was ad Rem, to the Point. Then, ſaid the adverſe Party, you muſt take out one Glaſs of your Spectacles, which indeed was Inſignificant.

Another ill-favoured Counſellor, who had but half a Noſe left, could not read audibly a Writing that was relating to his Plea. One of the Judges, who had a well-ſized Noſe, called for Spectacles to help him to read. Sir, ſaid the Counſellor being nettled at it, I hope, if I get Spectacles, you will lend me your Noſe to clap 'em on.

One, whoſe way was to read all his Pleas, having done Reading, another ſtood up againſt him. Who was ſo often interrupted by the firſt, that he told him at laſt, Sir, by your favour, I let you Read a whole hour without Interruption, pray, let me plead quietly one half Hour.

An Advocate of Toulouſe in France, called Adam, made the Preſident all his Speeches; except one he ventured to make, in Adam's abſence. Which when the Preſident delivered, he was ſo puzzled with it, that it made one of the Aſſiſtant Judges cry out, Ʋbi es Adam? where art thou Adam?

A Pick-pocket in France, being taken in the Fact at a Court of Judicature, was immediately brought before the Court, to anſwer the Charge; and, as the way is there, had Counſel allowed him, and appointed by the Court, for his Defence. Whereupon his Counſel took him aſide, and asked him, if he had pickt any Man's Pocket? 'Tis true enough, ſays he. Hold your tongue, reply'd the Counſel, and follow my Advice. Go thy ways, and make thy Eſcape with full ſpeed. No ſooner ſaid, but done. And, whilſt the Delinquent took his Opportunity, his Counſel came gravely to the Bar again. The Court asked him, what he had to ſay in his Client's Defence. Gentlemen, ſays he, he has freely owned to me the Matter of Fact. But he being under no Guard, and I appointed his Counſel by the Court, I thought the beſt Counſel I could give him was to make his eſcape; upon which he vaniſhed away preſently. This proved a Subject of Laughter, and nothing amiſs could be fixt upon the Lawyer.

A ſtudious Man in the Law took upon him to cut a Partridge at Dinner, but could never hit the Joint. Sir, ſaid one of the Gueſts, Were it not better for you to know leſs of the Law, and underſtand Anatomy better?

TWO Phyſicians being in Conſulſultation about a Patient, they ſpoke Latine together, not thinking he underſtood it. At laſt one of them talked of a Remedy, which had not been yet experienced, and ſaid unto the other, Faciamus periculum in animâ vili, let us try it upon this poor Soul. Which the Patient over-hearing, he got upon his Knees, and ſaid, Vilem Animam appellas, pro quâ Chriſtus non dedignatus eſt mori?

Seneca uſed to ſay of a multitude of Books, Onerat diſcentem Turba, the great Number of them is rather burdenſom, than uſeful. But one may better ſay of Phyſicians, Onerat Aegrotum Turba, nothing is more pernicious to a ſick Body, than a Crowd of Phyſicians. For commonly the ableſt of 'em is the moſt contradicted, and minded the leaſt of all.

A facetious Doctor being ſent for to a Gentleman, who could take no Reſt for a Rhume he had in one of his Eyes, upon Examination of the Matter, Chear up, ſays he to his Patient, your Caſe is not deſperate; in few Days all will be well, if you can but See it.

WHEN Plato withdrew from the Court of Dionyſius, who would fain have had a famous Philoſopher for his Flatterer, they parted in ſome Unkindneſs, and Dionyſius bad him not to ſpeak ill of him, when he was returned into Greece. Plato told him, he had no leiſure for it; meaning, that he had better Things to mind, than to take up his Thoughts with, and talk of the Faults of ſo bad a Man, ſo notoriouſly known to all the World.

When Men ſpeak ill of thee, ſaid Plato, live ſo, as no body may believe them.

Phocion was very tart in the Orations he made to the Athenians; whereas Demoſthenes uſed a quite contrary Method, and ſoothed them up in his Speeches. If this People, ſays Demoſthenes to Phocion, do once break looſe upon thee, thou art undone, and they will ſacrifice thy Life to their Fury. Thou runneſt the ſame hazard, reply'd Phocion to Demoſthenes, if ever they come to themſelves.

Alexander the Great having ſent rich Preſents to Phocion, he refuſed them; and asked his Embaſſadors, to what purpoſe he had ſent them to him? Becauſe (ſaid they) he looks upon you as the moſt worthy Man of Athens. Then, reply'd he, all I deſire of him is to leave me ſuch as he takes me to be.

It was a pretty Fancy of Diogenes, when he perceived a tedious Diſcourſe drawing near to a Concluſion, to expreſs his Joy in theſe Words, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 , I ſee Land.

The ſame, being brought before Philip King of Macedon, Philip called him a Spy. I am ſo, anſwered Diogenes, but it is of thy Ambition.

Being baniſhed out of Sinope, his Birth-place, he ridiculed his Judges in theſe Lines he ſent them from Athens. You have, ſays he, baniſhed me from my Native Place, and I confine you to your Houſes. You dwell at Sinope, I at Athens. Here I converſe with the beſt Men of Greece, whilſt you keep company with the worſt of Men.

The ſame Diogenes, ſeeing a Company of unskilful Archers, none of which could ſhoot near the Mark, went and ſtood juſt before it. Being warned to ſtand off, he refuſed it, ſaying, he was in the ſafeſt Place.

Bias, the Philoſopher, being in a Ship with a Company of lewd Men that called upon the Gods in the diſtreſs of a Storm, Hold your Tongues, ſays he to 'em, that (if poſſible) the Gods may forget you are here. Thus he pleaſantly reminded them of their Vices, and the Puniſhment they might expect from the Gods whom they called upon.

Ariſtippus being askt what he learnt by Philoſophy, I learnt (ſays he) to live well with all the World.

How comes it, ſaid Dionyſius the Tyrant to Ariſtippus, that Philoſophers are often ſeen to court Princes, and no Prince minds Philoſophers? Becauſe, anſwered Ariſtippus, Philoſophers know their Wants, and Princes do not know their own. By which Anſwer he meant, that,when Philoſophers want Neceſſaries, they know how to apply to Princes for a Supply; but when Princes are in want of Vertue, Wiſdom, or good Counſel, they are often ignorant of it, which makes 'em neglect the Means to purchaſe it. The Truth is, our Philoſopher (I mean Ariſtippus) was none of thoſe conceited Philoſophers, who aſſerted Riches did no ways contribute to the Happineſs of one's Life, and made it their Buſineſs by a ſhew of Arguments to render Wealth contemptible. But, as he knew the Conveniencies thereof, ſo he could make ſhift without it, and frame himſelf to all ſorts of Conditions.

The ſame Philoſopher making his Addreſs to the foreſaid Tyrant, in the behalf of a Friend of his, and being denied what he asked, he threw himſelf at his feet to obtain it, and did then obtain it. He was blamed by ſeveral for making ſuch a Submiſſion, which they thought below a Philoſopher. But he confuted them by this witty Saying, that Dionyſius had his Ears at his Feet; Meaning, that he heard none but ſuch as humbled themſelves before him.

Socrates having ſaluted one who took no notice of it, his Friends were angry at the Man's Incivility. Why ſhould you be angry, ſaid Socrates, at the Man, becauſe he is not as civil as I am?

Timon, ſo famous for his hatred to the Whole Mankind and therefore called Miſanthropos, being invited to Dinner by one who affected to imitate him in his Hatred, This is, ſaid the Man to Timon, a pleaſant Feaſt. 'Twould be ſo, reply'd Timon, if thou waſt not here.

Cicero was very lucky in his Wipes. To a Senator, who was but a Taylor's Son, he ſaid, Rem acu tetigiſti. And to a Lawyer, who was a Cook's Son, Ego quoque tibi Jure favebo.

To one who reflected upon the Meanneſs of his Birth, he ſaid, The Nobility of thy Family ends with thee, but the Nobility of mine begins with me.

To another, Metellus by name, who asked him what his Father was, he made this return, 'Twould be much more difficult, ſays he, to gueſs who was thy Father. Which ſtruck home, Metellus his Mother having a wanton Character.

A late Orator got his Hair cut off, in order to wear a Wig; which did ſo ſtrangely alter his Countenance, that his neareſt Friends could ſcarce know him again. Being imploy'd to open a Conference, which he did to admiration, a Friend of his told him, after the Conference, Sir, I knew you again only by your Eloquence.

CICERO, to expreſs what Advantage he reaped from reading of good Authors, has theſe Words, Soleo ſaepe in aliena Caſtra tranſire, non tanquam Profuga, ſed tanquam Explorator.

Pura Impuritas is the Character Lipſius gives of Petronius. Pura, in reference to the Style; Impuritas, meaning the obſcene Diſcourſes that are in it.

An Author making a Syſtem of the World, and having ſpent many whole Days about it, Remember, ſays a Friend of his unto him, that, when God created the World, he reſted the ſeventh Day.

Iſaac Voſſius, intertaining one Day Monſieur de Sorbiere at Dinner, preſſed him to drink, telling him, that Sorberius came à Sorbendo.

When Varillas his Hiſtory of Hereſies came out, his very Friends found many Flaws in it. Which made one of them tell him, between Jeſt and Earneſt, that he had writ a Book full of Hereſies.

Dr. Heylin, a noted Author amongſt us, eſpecially for his Coſmography, hapned to loſe his Way, going to Oxford, in the Foreſt of Whichwood. Being then attended by one of his Brother's Men, the Man earneſtly intreated him to lead the Way, till he had brought him paſt the Wood to the open Fields. But the Doctor telling him, he could not tell which Way to lead him, Strange! ſaid the Fellow, that you, who made a Book of the whole World, cannot ſo much as find your Way out of this Wood.

The French Book called Les Origines de la Langue Françoiſe, and written by Monſieur Menage, being mentioned to Queen Chriſtina, Menage (ſays ſhe) is a Man, who will not only know whence a Word comes, but whether it goes.

One having writ a Book, in order to publiſh it, ſent it firſt to a competent Judg to peruſe it, and have his Opinion of it. Who having peruſed the ſame, told him his Opinion was, that he ſhould leave out one Half, and ſuppreſs the other.

Another being come to wait on a Learned Man in the Winter Seaſon, and ſitting with him by the Fire, pulled a Copy out of his Pocket, which he intended for the Preſs, and begged of him to caſt his Eye upon it. Who having read ſome Pages over, but finding little or nothing in't fit for the Publick, held the Book to the Fire; ſaying, Sir, if you pleaſe, we may bring it to Light preſently, and you will find this the beſt way to gratify the Publick.

A Gentleman telling an Author, that he was reduced to live upon the Muſes Milk; That cannot be, reply'd the Author, being the Muſes are Virgins, and therefore without Milk, unleſs you have proſtituted them.

In the Year 1665, the French Academy were very buſy in ſettling the Gender of a Comet; ſome being for the Maſculine, and others for the Feminine Gender. At laſt ſtarts up one of their Members, ſaying, To what purpoſe is all this Debate, when the Comet now to be ſeen may eaſily determine the Point? 'Tis but looking, adds he, under its Tail.

An Author, having found but one Fault of the Printer's in a Book of his finiſhed at the Preſs, was in a quandary, whether he ſhould make it Errata or Erratum. But a Friend of his told him, Let me but peruſe the Book, I warrant you I ſhall find another Fault, and that will make it Errata.

A French Author, in an Epigram of his againſt a Maker of Anagrams, expreſſes thus the Pains he takes to find Words in Words, Eviſceratis Verba quaerit in Verbis.

Daniel Heinſius loved Drinking, which diſcompoſed him ſometimes for his Lectures. After one of his drinking Bouts, ſome unlucky Students paſted up theſe Words over the Door of his Lecture-Room, Daniel Heinſius non leget hodie, propter heſternam Crapulam.

Monſieur Vaugelas having obtained a Penſion from the late French King, by the Mediation of Cardinal Richelieu, the Cardinal told him, I hope, Sir, you will not forget the word Penſion in your Dictionary. No, my Lord, anſwered Vaugelas, neither will I forget the Word Gratitude.

A famous Member of the French Academy, being gone to the Academy, took the Abbot Furetiere's Place, whom he had had no Kindneſs for. Some time after, he ſaid, reflecting upon Furetiere, Here's a Place, Gentlemen, where I am like to come out with a thouſand Impertinencies. Go on, anſwered Furetiere, there's one out already.

PHiloxenes, a Greek Poet, having been condemned by Dionyſius the Tyrant to work in the Quarries, for not approving ſome Verſes of his making, the Tyrant releaſed him to ſhew him ſome new Verſes of his. And, as he had a great Ambition to paſs for a good Poet, ſo he did not doubt but the Releaſing of Philoxenes would induce him to give his Approbation to this his Trial of Skill. But he was much ſurpriſed, when the Poet hearing his new Verſes, cry'd out, Let me go back again to the Quarry.

Another Poet, who had often preſented Auguſtus with Verſes to his Praiſe, the Emperor in a jocoſe humour told him one Day, that it was but juſt, he ſhould make him ſome Return for his Verſes, and at the ſame time preſented him with an Epigram he had made. Which being read by the Poet, he preſently pulled a Purſe out of his Pocket, in which were ſome Pieces of Gold. This he preſented to the Emperor, telling him, that he wiſhed he had a better Preſent to make him, in Return of his fine Verſes. Thus he cunningly inſinuated to the Emperor, that a Poet ought not to be paid by a Prince in his own Coyn; and Auguſtus was ſo pleaſed with the Fancy, that the Poet fared much the better for it afterwards.

Pontanus having made an Enigm upon a Hole, in this following Verſe, Dic mihi quid majus fiat quo pluria demas; Scriverius anſwered extempore, Pontano demas Carmina, major erit.

When Mary Stuart was Wife to King Francis I, this Verſe was made upon her, Jure Scotos, Gallos Thalamo, Spe poſſidet Anglos.

An Italian Poet having offered a Copy of Verſes of his to the Cenſure of an excellent Critick, he made ſuch Corrections and Alterations in it, that it proved quite another Thing. Tutto ſe né andato in limatura? Is all filed away into Duſt? ſaid the Poet, upon ſight of it. Which is taken out of Pliny Junior, who ſays in one of his Epiſtles, Ferrum expoliendo non tam ſplendeſcit quàm atteritur, Iron wears out more than it grows bright, by poliſhing.

A French Poet, having made an Ode to the King, apply'd himſelf to Malherbe, as a competent Judg, in order to improve it. Who, upon the peruſal of it, told him, it wanted but four Words; which the Poet pray'd him to write down himſelf. Malherbe taking his Pen writ under the Title AƲ ROI, To the King, theſe four Words, Pour torcher ſon Cul, To wipe his Backſide. That done, he folded up the Paper, and gave it to the Poet; who, ſuſpecting no Sham put upon him, returned him a thouſand Thanks for it.

One Quinault, a Frenchman, having made a Play, which was going to be acted, he explained the Drift of it to a Gentleman. The Scene, ſays he to him, is in Cappadocia; and, to be a competent Judg of the Piece, one muſt travel thither, and underſtand the Genius of the People. You are in the right, anſwered the Gentleman, who had no great liking unto it, and my Opinion is, that Cappadocia would be the moſt proper Place for that Play to be acted in.

Another Poet preſenting the Prince of Condé with Moliere's Epitaph, the Prince told him, Would to God it were Moliere himſelf with your Epitaph. Thus that clear-ſighted Prince expreſſed in a lively manner the great Reſpect he had for the deceaſed Poet, and the ſlender Eſteem he had for the living.

Bonnefons, a French Poet, who lived in the Reign of Henry III of France, is much admired to this Day for his Love-Poetry; but eſpecially for one piece of it, which begins thus, Dic, Acus, mihi, quid meae Puellae, &c. The ſame he concludes, bidding the Needle to prick his Miſtreſs's Heart, not her Finger; which he do's in theſe three admirable Verſes.

Another French Poet of good Fame, being blamed for going always on foot, made theſe Extempore Verſes; Je voi d'illuſtres Cavaliers, Avec Laquais, Caroſſe, & Pages; Mais ils doivent leurs Equipages, Et je ne dois pas mes Souliers.

This following Epigram was made againſt Bell-Ringers, as a troubleſom ſort of Men in Society; Great Perſecutors of the Land, Who to our Quiet are a Check, I wiſh you had about your Neck, The Rope that you hold in your hand.

An Engliſh Poet, having made an excellent Panegyrick of Oliver Cromwel, undertook to make one of King Charles II, which fell much ſhort of the other. Being ask'd the Reaſon of it, We Poets, ſaid he to the King, have always better luck in Fictions, than Realities.

AN Italian Painter, having drawn S. Peter's Picture beſpoken by the Pope, His Holineſs found fault with it, that it was too high-coloured. To which the Painter made this bold Return, that he had repreſented S. Peter, bluſhing at the Lives of his Succeſſors.

A Gentleman, ſeeing a very good Picture of S. Bruno, the Founder of the Carthuſian Order, and being asked his Opinion of it, Were not it, ſays he, for his ſilent Rule, it would ſpeak.

The Ear only (ſaid one of a good Picture) and not the Eye, can find that it wants Speech.

A Picture lookt upon to be the Maſter-piece of the famous le Brun, repreſenting Darius his Royal Family at the Feet of Alexander, ſtood between two Originals, one of Raphael Ʋrbin, and the other of Paul Veroneſe. Cardinal Chigi, a Nephew of Pope Alexander VII, being asked his Opinion about le Brun's Picture, 'Tis very fine, ſays he, but it has two ill Neighbours. By which Anſwer he ingeniouſly gave the preeminency to the two other Pictures, and gave the French to underſtand that le Brun's Picture (tho never ſo good) was not fit to be expoſed near ſuch Originals.

IT was a pat Anſwer, which a Scholar made to Queen Elizabeth; who asked him in Latin, how often he had been whipt? His Anſwer was in theſe Words of Virgil, Infandum, Regina, jubes renovare Dolorem.

No leſs ingenious was that poor Schol-boy, whoſe Condition the Queen being informed of, Her Majeſty bad him make ſome Verſes upon this, Pauper ubique jacet; Which he wittily performed thus, In Thalamis, Regina, tuis hâc Nocte jacerem, Si verum hoc eſſet, Pauper ubique jacet.

A Scholar riding on Horſeback, and finding that whatever he ſaid to the Horſe in Engliſh could not make him go faſt enough, try'd at laſt what he could do in Latin. Non ibis, mala Beſtia, ſays he to his Horſe, etiam admotis Calcaribus? That is, Won't you go neither, you dull Animal, thô I ſpur thee never ſo much?

Another gone a hunting was forewarned to be ſilent, leſt he ſhould fright the Game away. He hapned to ſee ſome Rabbets, which made him cry out in Latin, Ecce Cuniculi. The Rabbets hearing his Voice fled, and he wondred (ſaid he) how they ſhould come to underſtand Latin.

An Univerſity Scholar being ſo hot in Diſcourſe at the Hall-Table that the Fellows could hear him, the Dean ſent to him to be quiet, with theſe words, Vir ſapit qui pauca loquitur. To which he returned this Anſwer, Vir loquitur qui pauca ſapit.

A Great Difference (ſaid one) betwixt Peace and War is this, that in Times of Peace the Sons bury their Fathers, whereas in Time of War the Fathers bury their Sons.

Saluſtius ſays, the Romans warred with the Gauls pro Salute, for their Preſervation; but with the other Nations pro Gloria, to advance their Glory.

Upon the leaſt Victory got by MARCƲS ANTONIƲS, there could hardly be found Beaſts enough for Sacrifices. Which made his Friends tell him once, as they were going to Ingage, We are undone, if you get the Victory.

When Darius, King of Perſia, ſent Preſents to Epaminondas, that famous Greek Captain; he ſpoke thus to thoſe who brought them. If Darius, ſays he, be deſirous to keep a good Correſpondence with the Thebans, he needs not purchaſe my Friendſhip; and, if he thinks otherwiſe, tell him (as Potent as he is) that he has not Wealth enough to corrupt me. A noble and generous Anſwer, ſhewing in a lively manner both the greatneſs of his Soul, and the clearneſs of his Underſtanding.

A valiant Commander, being told that the Enemy did far exceed him in Numbers, undauntedly made this return. Then (ſays he) there will be enough for us to kill, enough to take Priſoners, and enough to run away.

A French Officer asking an Engliſhman, when we were forced to quit France, what Time he thought we ſhould Return thither? When (ſays he) your Sins are greater than ours.

A young Officer, ſpeaking of the Mareſchal de Turenne, ſaid, that he was a pretty Man. And you, my Son, ſaid the Father who ſtood by, are a pretty Sot, to ſpeak thus of the greateſt General in the World.

A Braggadochio chanced, upon an Occaſion, to run away with full ſpeed. Which made one ask him, what was become of his great Courage? 'Tis run down, ſays he, to my Heels.

In a Sea-ſight betwixt the Venetians and the Turks, a Venetian ran into the Hold, and kept ſnug there till the Fight was over. When he found the ſhooting over, he peeped up, and ſaid, Siam' preſi, ò aviam preſo? Are We, or the Turks, beaten?

SEveral Tradeſmen had great Sums of Money owing them by a Gentleman, who put them off from Day to Day. One of them coming too cloſe upon him with a preſſing Language, he gave him a box on the Ear. The Tradeſman went to a Magiſtrate, and complained of it; who adviſed him to leave his Bills with him, and he would take care to ſee them paid. Some time after, the ſaid Magiſtrate brought the Bills to the Gentleman, and asked him whether the Tradeſman had received any Thing in part? Yes, Sir, (ſays he) he had a good Box on the Ear.

A Dier being commanded by the Court to hold up his Hand, it being all black, the Judg bad him pull off his Glove. My Lord, reply'd the Dier, You had more need put on your Spectacles.

A Tradeſman that would never work by Candle-light, was asked the reaſon why? To ſave Candles, ſays he; A Peny ſaved is a Peny got.

One admiring the Happineſs of Clergy-men uſed to ſay, I will be a Clergy-man in this World, whatever comes on't in the next.

Another ſeeing a Wax-taper covered with Lewis D'or, and carried for an Offering to a Saint, being in a Rapture at the ſight of it, cried out, How glorious and taking are the Church Ceremonies?

A melting Sermon being preached in a Country-Church, all fell a weeping, except a Country-man. Who being ask'd, why he did not weep with the reſt? Becauſe (ſays he) I am not of this Pariſh.

A Country-man admiring the ſtately Fabrick of S. Paul's Cathedral, asked, Whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond Sea.

One, finding himſelf Indiſpoſed, went to conſult a Phyſician. Who adviſed him to take a Gliſter at Night, to be let Blood and take a Gliſter the next Day, and Phyſick the Day after. Being returned home, and conſidering that he was to go a Journey, he took all at once; and ſo ſet forward, without any prejudice to his Health.

Another being at the point of Death, his Son was ſent to the Prieſt of the Pariſh ſomething late in the Night. The Prieſt was faſt aſleep; and the Country-man, loth to awake him, knockt at his Door as modeſtly as he could. Thus he waited three hours at the Door, before he could ſpeak to the Prieſt, as he owned it to him. Who, after he had blamed him for not knocking harder, Friend, ſays he to him, to be ſure your Father is dead by this time, 'tis too late for me to go. Don't fear, reply'd the Country-man, for my Neighbour Pierrot promiſed me, that he would keep him in Diſcourſe, till I came back.

A Woman, whoſe Husband was gone to the Wars, received Information of her Husband's being ſlain in a Battel. Great was her Moan upon it, which drew her neighbouring Goſſips about her. One of which told her, for her Comfort, Your Husband (ſays ſhe) had ſo great a Love for you, that, had he loſt his Life, as is reported, you would have had an Account of it from himſelf.

A Steward to the late Duke of Guiſe repreſented unto him the Neceſſity he lay under to leſſen his Retinue, and gave him a Liſt of ſeveral Servants that he thought fit to diſmiſs. The Prince having examined it, 'Tis true (ſays he) I might make ſhift without them; but did you ask them, if they could make ſhift without me? Thus, without diſproving his Steward's Argument, he baffled it by a ſtronger Reaſon drawn from his generous Nature, and a Principle of Juſtice, requiring all Maſters to have a due Regard for ſuch as have been their Servants.

A Maſter ſpeaking of his Servant, I command more (ſays he) than any Man, for before my Servant obeys me in one thing, I muſt command him ten times over.

A great Newſmonger being one day ſurrounded with People, to hear what News he had, he ſpied out amongſt them a Livery-man, whom he bad go his ways. Upon which he made this Return, 'Tis my Maſter (ſays he) that ſent me to keep a Place for him.

Upon Execution-Days, it was the Way of a Gentleman to ſend out his Footmen to ſee the Execution, and that he called ſending them to School.

A Gentleman being gone to wait upon another, one of his Servants told him, There was no ſpeaking to his Maſter, he being in a ſecret Rapture with his Lady.

A diligent Lackey, come all in a muck-ſweat to his Maſter, told him, Sir, I made all the haſte I could. You need ſay no more, reply'd his Maſter, for I ſmell it out very well.

A Gentleman in Company with others ſaid, he knew not an honeſt Man, and ſtrenuouſly maintained his Propoſition, which ſome of the Company took offence at. Whilſt they were hot upon this Debate, a Servant of the Gentleman, in whoſe Houſe they were, came to tell his Maſter, there was an honeſt Man below who deſired to ſpeak to him. An honeſt Man, ſaid his Maſter, how do you know that, you Raſcal? (Upon which words he gave him a blow with his Cane) Do you pretend to be more knowing than that Gentleman, who ſays, he knows not ſo much as one honeſt Man? The Blow was given, and the Servant cried out amain. But, to quiet him, his Maſter gave him a Crown-piece.

A Man lookt upon to be Rich, but very much Indebted, courted a good Fortune, and got her. Some Days before their Marriage, he uſed this Stratagem, to ſmother the Reflexions he expected upon the account of his Debts. Being in the Houſe of his future Mother-in-Law, he walkt one day wrapt up with his Cloak, in a melancholy poſture. Upon ſight whereof, ſhe fearing he was out of Order, asked him ſeveral times, What was the Matter with him? To which he anſwered as often, Nothing. Soon after he was marry'd, his Mother-in-Law, ſeeing what ſhe little expected, a Crowd of Creditors with him, Son (ſaith ſhe) you have deceived me. You may remember, Madam, if you pleaſe (reply'd the Son-in-Law) how often I anſwered Nothing, when you asked me, before I marry'd, What was the Matter with me?

An old rich Counſellor, had only one Daughter, courted by a young, proper, and handſom Gentleman, but ſunk in his Fortune. Who, to raiſe himſelf in the World, made it his Buſineſs to compaſs this Lady, with her Father's Conſent. But the Meanneſs of his Eſtate, and her Father's Covetouſneſs, muſt needs be two great Obſtacles. However he found a way, by his Induſtry, to bring his Deſign about. Having got the Lady's good Will, he goes one Day with a good Fee to her Father, in order to have his Advice. He told him how the Caſe ſtood with him, but concealed the Party. The Counſellor, pleaſed with the Fee, adviſed him to Marry the Lady privately, and offered to give him a Note under his Hand to a Parſon of his acquaintance, that ſhould Marry them with all ſpeed and ſecrecy. The Buſineſs was done accordingly, and the young Couple were marry'd. Which done, he brought his Wife to ask her Father's Bleſſing; Who was not a little ſurpriſed, but pleaſed at laſt with the Stratagem.

A Lady unmarried, who had two Siſters, the elder married to a Duke, and the younger going to be marry'd to another Duke, was not a little vexed to ſee her ſelf, as ſhe ſaid, between two Stools the Breech on the Ground.

A vertuous Lady being deſired by another, to tell her what Method ſhe took to preſerve her Husband's Affection to her; I make it (ſays ſhe) my Buſineſs to pleaſe him in every Thing, and to bear patiently whatever comes amiſs from him.

Another, being asked in a ſcornful manner what Portion ſhe had brought to her Husband, What you never had, anſwered ſhe, and that is Chaſtity.

A Man ſeeing his Wife often whiſpering in the Ear of a Gentleman, deſired to know what it was. I defy you, anſwered ſhe, to gueſs, for we ſpeak good Things of you.

A Gentleman having got his Wife (a Beauty) convicted of Adultery, ſent her to a Monaſtery, and in her place took a Concubine. Which being diſcourſed of in Company, one ſaid, If the Gentleman had ſuch a fancy to a Whore, he needed not to have parted with his Wife.

Piſistratus being reſolved upon a ſecond Match, his Children asked him whether it was for any Diſcontent he had received from them? Far from that, reply'd he, for I am ſo well ſatisfy'd with your Carriage to me, that I am willing to have more Children of ſo good a Temper.

A Gentleman being reſolved to Marry, becauſe forſooth he wanted Company anights, and had no body to ſpeak to, a Woman was brought unto him in theſe Words, Sir, here's one that will keep you talking.

Another, Married in the Morning, was ſo little affected with it, that he forgot it before Night, and was a going to lie at his old Lodging, had not his Man remembred him of his Spouſe.

A Lady had a Husband very kind and complaiſant to her, but that he never minded the ſublime Pleaſures of a conjugal Life. She complained of this to her own Relations, and they to him. But they ſpeaking of it only in general Terms, he ſaid, he wondered at his Wife's Diſſatisfaction; ſure he was, that he never denied her any Thing ſhe deſired. Upon this, her Relations were fain to come to the Point, and to tell him down-right the Cauſe of her Diſcontent. She is to blame, anſwered her Husband, for ſhe never asked me for that ſhe ſo much wants. And they replying, that thoſe things are uſually granted without asking, he made this Return, That Thing (ſays he) is little worth, which is not worth asking.

A French Counteſs being married to one whom ſhe had no Love for, they were fain at laſt to part, and live aſunder. The Counteſs after ſome time changed her Religion, and being asked the Reaſon of it, I changed (ſaid ſhe) that I may not meet my Husband in the next World.

A Miniſter, having married a couple of his Friends, told them afterwards in Merriment, that, if they could not agree, they ſhould come to him again, and he would unmarry them. It was not long before Diſſentions aroſe between them, and they went both to the Miniſter, in order to be divorced. Who asked them, which of the two had the greateſt Deſire to leave the other? For (ſays he) I married you, till Death does you part; and, before you can be parted, I muſt diſpatch one of you.

If Adam, asked one, were ſtill living, how could he Marry again, all Women being come from him in a ſtrait Line?

A marry'd Man, ſuſpected of Impotency, met with another who had often jeered him about it. Sir, ſays he unto him, your Jeſt is ſpoiled, my Wife is newly brought to bed. Well, reply'd the other, your Wife was never lookt upon to be Impotent.

Some Ladies ſpeaking of the great Pains they ſuffered in their Labours, For my part (ſaid one) 'tis leſs Trouble to me, than to ſwallow the Yolk of an Egg. Then ſure, Madam, reply'd one of the Company, your Throat vs very narrow.

THE ancient Romans were ſo ſuperſtitious, and ſo apt to flatter their Emperors, as to Deify them after their Deceaſe. Which made Veſpaſian, one of their Emperors, being at the point of Death, expreſs himſelf in theſe Words to his Friends about him, I find, ſays he, that I become a God, meaning that he was a dying. Which he ſaid probably, in deriſion to the Roman Superſtition and Flattery.

A Man condemned to be hanged at Caen in Normandy, being come to the Place of Execution, proteſted, that he died Innocent, and ſummoned the Judg to appear that Day Twelve-month before God. To which the Judg anſwered, I ſhall be guilty of Default.

Socrates going to ſuffer Death, I am ſorry, ſaid his Wife to him, that you ſhould die Innocent. And I, replied Socrates, ſhould be very ſorry to die otherwiſe.

Syward, the Martial Earl of Northumberland, finding himſelf a dying, roſe out of his Bed, and put on his Armour, ſaying, That it became not a valiant Man to to die lying, like a Beaſt, and ſo gave up the Ghoſt. As valiantly both ſpoken and performed, as it was by Veſpaſian.

N. Heinſius, Son of Daniel, being upon his Death-bed, charged a Friend of his with Compliments from him to the Duke of Montauſier, Monſieur Bigot, and ſeveral others.

A Popiſh Gentleman being at the point of Death, a Confeſſor was brought unto him. And being told what he was come for, he lookt upon him, and ſaid, I neither know you, nor you me; and ſo bidding him farewel, turned his Face from him.

A Prieſt having given the Extream Unction to another dying Prieſt, aged 90 Years, Your Turn will come, Brother, ſaid the dying Prieſt to him, Your Turn will come.

A dying Gentleman adviſing with another about a Preamble to his Will, he told him of one he knew of. Where the uſual Words, In the Name of the Father, &c. were followed by theſe, I ſhall ſoon have done, having but little to bequeath.

One, dictating his Will to ſome Lawyers, left a great many Legacies, more than his Eſtate could bear, and ſhewed his Diſpoſition to leave Something likewiſe to the ſaid Lawyers. Who, having writ hitherto very quietly, began now it was their Concern to ask the Teſtator out of what theſe Legacies muſt be paid? for upon this, ſay they, doth depend the Validity of the Will. That I know very well, anſwered the Teſtator, and that's the Thing which puzzles me moſt of all.

Impious, rather than Witty or Facetious, was that Dean's Will in the Reign of Henry III; who bequeathed his Eſtate to the King, his Body to the Earth, and his Soul to the Devil.

One who had been always Jocoſe in his Life-time, lying upon his Death-bed, his chief Clerk came, and deſired he would leave him a Legacy. Upon which he gave him a Key, and told him that, in ſuch a Drawer he would find that which would make him drink. Dying not long after, the Young Man greedily opened the Box, and found in it but two red Herrings.

A Perſon of Quality, deeply indebted, fell dangerouſly ill. His Confeſſor being ſent for, he begged of God, in the preſence of his Confeſſor, that he would be pleaſed to prolong his Life, until he had paid his Debts. The Confeſſor, putting the beſt Conſtruction upon his Words, told him, his Principle was ſo juſt, that he hoped God would hear his Prayer. Whereupon the Perſon of Quality, turning to one of his Friends, whiſpered theſe Words in his Ear, Should God grant my Requeſt, I ſhould be ſure never to die, for I would never pay my Debts.

UPON one's ſaying, that the Heart of King Francis I, was bury'd at Rambouillet, another ſaid, Then he is all there, becauſe he was all Heart.

John Duke of Bedford, Regent of France, was buried in the Cathedral of Rouen in Normandy, in a fair plain Monument. King Charles VIII, of France, being adviſed by one of his Courtiers to deface it, as a diſgraceful Monument to France, he would not hearken unto it, but made this generous Return; Let him reſt in peace, ſays he, now he is dead, whom we feared, while he lived.

Another being buried by his Order, without a Coffin, in a Capuchin's Habit, a Widow that had loſt her Husband by his means, cried out in the funeral-Proceſſion, Murderer, thy Diſguiſe will ſignify nothing, God will find thee out for all that.

A poor Country-woman in Poitou fell into ſuch a Lethargy, that her Husband and all about her gave her over for dead. To bury her, they wrapt her up only in a ſheet, as is uſual with poor people in thoſe Parts, and ſo carried her to the Place of Burial. But the Bearers paſſing too near a Thorn-buſh, ſhe was prick'd alive again out of her Lethargy. Fourteen Years after, ſhe died in good earneſt. Her Husband, fearing another Reſurrection, remembred ſtill the Thorn-buſh, in the way to the Church-yard. So that when her Corps came near it, he carefully cried out ſeveral times, Take heed of the Thorn-buſh, and come not too near the Hedge.

UPON King HENRY I. Who being dead, his Heart and Brains were bury'd in Normandy, and his Body in England.

MAƲD the Empreſs was Daughter to the foreſaid King, Wife to Henry IV Emperour, and Mother to King Henry II. Happy in her Poet, who in one Diſtich thus expreſſed her Princely Parentage, Match, and Iſſue.

Upon King RICHARD, ſurnamed Coeur de Lion, renowned for his Conqueſt of Cyprus, and great Exploits in the Holy Land.

This Epitaph was alſo made upon him.

The ſaid King EDWARD, being ſnatched away by Death in his Youth, had this Diſtich made upon him; Rex, Regis Natus, Regum Decus, unica Regni Speſque Saluſque ſui, conditur hoc Tumulo.

Upon the Removal of Queen ELIZABETH's Body from Richmond (where ſhe died) by water to Whitehall, there were written theſe paſſionate doleful Lines.

Upon Prince HENRY, eldeſt Son of King James I.

On Queen ANN, the ſaid Prince's Mother, by King James.

Upon the great GƲSTAVƲS, King of Sweden, who died Victor in the Field.

This ſhort one alſo was made upon him.

The following Epitaph was made upon Pope LƲCIƲS, born at Luca; who of Biſhop of Oſtia, became Pope of Rome, and died at Verona.

William Earl of Pembroke, and Marſhal of England, being buried in the Temple-Church, had this Epitaph made for him.

The Duke of Suffolk and his Brother, Sons of Charles Brandon, who died of the Sweating Sickneſs at Bugden, were buried together with this.

Upon the firſt Seven Archbiſhops of Canterbury here's a joint Epitaph, as it is taken out of Gervaſius Dorobernenſis.

Upon Stigand Arch-Biſhop of Canterbury, this bitter Epitaph was made by ſome of his Enemies.

A ſpecial Favourer of Thomas Becket, Arch-biſhop of Canterbury, (who was ſlain at Chriſtmaſs, in Chriſt-Church at Canterbury) made this Epitaph upon him, expreſſing the Cauſe, Time, and Place of his Death.

One Peter, a Religious Man, had this.

Upon fair Roſamond, King Henry the Second's Concubine, one Mr. Daniel made this.

Upon a Gentleman named None, buried at Wimundham, who gave nothing to the Religious there, this following Epitaph was made.

At Geneva there's an Epitaph in theſe Words; VIXI ƲT VIVIS, MORIERIS ƲT SƲM MORTƲ ƲS. SIC VITA TRƲDITƲR.

Which is as Chriſtian as that was prophane of the Roman, Amici, dum vivimus, Vivamus.

Another did ſet down for his Epitaph this godly Admonition.

Diego de Valles made this Inſcription for his Tomb at Rome; Certa Dies nulli eſt, Mors certa, incerta ſequentum Cura; locet Tumulum qui ſapit ante ſibi.

Dr. Caius a Learned Phyſician of Cambridg, and a Cofounder of Gonvil and Caius Colledg, has only on his Monument there, FƲI CAIƲS.

Julius Scaliger, only this; SCALIGERI QƲOD RELIQƲ ƲM.

Mr. Burbidge, the Tragedian, had one fit for his Profeſſion; EXIT BURBIDGE.

And Mr. Weymark, a conſtant Walker in Paul's, was as well fitted with this; DEFESSƲS SƲM AMBƲLANDO.

Upon Sir Philip Sidney, I find this; England had his Body, for ſhe it fed; Netherland his Blood, in her Defence ſhed; The Heavens have his Soul, the Arts have his Fame; The Souldier the Grief, the World his good Name.

Upon a Young Man of great hope, a Student of Oxford made this; Short was thy Life, Yet liveſt thou ever; Death has her due, Yet dieſt thou never.

Upon Sir Francis Vere.

This following was made for a bad Liver, who was buried in the Night under the Name of Menalcas, and that without any Ceremony.

Pleaſant was the Epitaph made upon an ignorant French Abbot, in theſe words; Cy gît un ignorant Abbé, Qui ne ſavoit ni A, ni B.

Upon an old Miſer, Sparges by Name, this was made; Here lieth Father Sparges, That died to ſave Charges.

Upon a capricious Man, this; Here lieth Willing Wills, With his Head full of Wind-mills.

Upon another, who was ever out of humour; Here lieth he, Who with himſelf could never agree.

One, who had a Shrew to his Wife, writ upon her this Epitaph; We lived one and twenty Year, As Man and Wife together; I could not ſtay her longer here, She's gone, I know not whither. But did I know, I do proteſt, (I ſpeak it not to flatter) Of all the Women in the World, I ſwear I'd ne're come at her. Her Body is beſtowed well, This handſom Grave did hide her: And ſure her Soul is not in Hell, The Devil could ne're abide her. But I ſuppoſe ſhe's ſoar'd aloft; For in the late great Thunder, Methought I heard her roaring Voice, Rending the Clouds aſunder.

He was more happy in a Wife, who wrote this Diſtich upon her, after her Deceaſe; Quae pia, quae prudens, quae provida, pulchra fuiſti, Ʋxor in aeternum, Chara MARIA, vale.

Upon a notorious Liar, baſely extracted, yet by reaſon of his Name claiming Kindred of a moſt noble Family, this Epitaph was made.

Upon a Dier; He that died ſo oft in ſport, Died at laſt, no colour for't.

Upon a Puritan Lock-ſmith.

Upon a Wreſtler; Death to this Wreſtler gave a fine Fall, That tript up his Heels, and took no hold at all.

On a Butcher that marry'd a Tanner's Daughter; A ſitter Match has never bin, The Fleſh is marry'd to the Skin.

On a Child drowned, catching of an Apple; Diſce meo malo, poſſe carere Malo.

Upon two beautiful Children, Brother and Siſter, who wanted each of them an Eye; Lumine Acon dextro caruit, Leonilla ſiniſtro, Et potuit Formâ vincere uterque Deos. Parve Puer, Lumen quod habes concede Sorori; Sic tu caecus AMOR, ſic erit illa VENƲS.

I conclude with that Ingenious Epitaph made upon Lot's Wife by Count Emanuel Theſaurus, in theſe Words.

AMongſt the Articles exhibited to King HENRY VIII. by the Iriſh againſt the Earl of Kildare, the laſt was, Finally, all Ireland cannot rule the Earl. Then the Earl ſhall rule all Ireland, ſaid the King, and ſo made him his Deputy.

A Perſon of Quality, travelling through Spain, went to ſee the Eſcurial, that ſtately Monaſtery of Monks of St. Jerom's Order. As he was viewing the Magnificence thereof, the Superiour intertained him with the hiſtory of its Foundation; and told him how Philip II. of Spain had erected it in performance of a Vow made by him when the Battel was fought at S. Quentin in Picardy, if he ſhould come off Victorious. To which the Travellour reply'd, admiring ſtill the Vaſtneſs of the Building, Sure (ſays he) that King was in a great Fright, when he made ſo great a Vow. The Malice and Wit of which Anſwer conſiſts in that it attributes a good Work to a ridiculous Fear, and that it meaſures the pretended Fear of King Philip by the Greatneſs of the Building.

Monſieur de Bautru, being ſent by the French King into Spain, went to ſee the famous Library of the foreſaid Monaſtery; where he found ſo ignorant a Library-Keeper, that he could give no Account of moſt Books therein. Upon his Return to Court, the King asked him what he thought of it. 'Tis a very fine Library, anſwered Bautru, but your Majeſty ſhould give the Keeper of it the Keeping of your Exchequer. Why ſo? ſaid the King of Spain. Becauſe, anſwered the other, he never Imbezelled what you have Intruſted him with.

Another having choſen an Illiterate Man for his Library-keeper, gave Occaſion for an ingenious Lady to ſay of that Library, That it was a Seraglio, kept by an Eunuch.

The late Duke of Lorrain being with a Cardinal, his Eminence took care not to be behind hand with him, and got the Precedency. The Cardinal's Chaplain attended him, who reſpectfully ſtept back to make way for the Duke. But the Duke took him by the Arm, and made him go before him. Go on, Sir, ſays he to him, loud enough for the Cardinal to hear him, I always give Churchmen the Precedency. Thus confounding the Cardinal with his Chaplain, he let the Cardinal know, that he reſpected all Churchmen as Miniſters of Religion, and that conſequently the Chaplain had as much Right as his Maſter to go before him, that is, no Right at all.

An Athenian telling a Lacedemonian, that the Athenians had often repulſed the Lacedemonians from before Athens; Tis more than we can ſay of you, anſwered the other, Meaning that the Athenians had never been ſo bold as to attempt the Taking of Lacedemon.

John Scot, ſo famous for his Learning, ſitting at Table with a young Gallant, was by way of Jeſt, asked by him, what Difference there was between Scot and Sot. To which he preſently reply'd Menſa tantùm, that is, the Table's breadth; for the other ſat juſt over againſt him.

A Papiſt asked a Proteſtant, as 'tis their uſual Way, where his Religion was before Luther. In the Bible, ſays he, where yours never was.

No leſs pleaſant was the Adventure of two Frenchmen in Florence. Who looking for one another in the Piazza of the old Palace, could not meet by reaſon of a Croud occaſioned by a Show. Till the Agnus being rung for, all the Italians fell on their Knees, and theſe two Frenchmen only remained in a ſtanding Poſture; by which means they found one another.

One being told, that he was all of a piece; Ay, ſays he, but 'tis a good Piece.

Another ſpeaking of one, He ſpeaks (ſays he) admirably well. Well he may, ſaid one that ſtood by, for he does nothing but ſpeak.

An Italian carrying ſomething under his Cloak, a Frenchman asked him what it was. A Dagger, ſaid the Italian. But the Frenchman, finding 'twas a Bottle of Wine, took it, and drank it all up. Then returning the Bottle, here's the Sheath however, ſays he to him.

'Tis ſaid of one who well remembred what he had lent, but forgot what he had borrowed, that he had loſt one half of his Memory.

A Gentleman boaſting to another, that he had Killed 300 Men in a Ship, the other, to be even with him, told him, that to ſee a fair Lady who kept cloſe in a Room of his next Neighbour, he had ventured one Day to ſlip down her Chimney. Which appearing fabulous to the Gentleman who in his Conceit had made ſo great a ſlaughter, I let you (ſays he to him) Kill no leſs than 300 Men at one bout, why ſhould not you let me for once ſlip down a Chimney, to ſee a great Beauty?

Another, being ſet upon by Robbers at five a Clock in the Morning, Gentlemen, ſays he to 'em, you open Shop very early to day.

Wiſe was that ſaying of Dr. Medcalf, You, Young Men, do think us Old Men to be Fools; but we Old Men know you to be ſo.

Audite Adoleſcentes Senem (ſays an Ancient) quem ipſi Senes audivere Adoleſcentem; Young Men, hear an Old Man, whom Old Men themſelves vouchſafed to hear in his Youth.

Apuleius, ſeeing a Cloſet all ſet round with precious Stones, ſaid, Domus haec diem ſuum ſibi ipſi facit, this Cloſet has its Light from it ſelf.

An old Man, in a Company ſpeaking of the Eye-ſight, ſaid theſe Words; Since I came to be old, I ſee more than when I was young, for I ſee double.

A Gentleman ſeeing a Nobleman Kneeling at Church without a Cuſhion, threw his Muff at his Feet. What d'ye mean, ſaid the Nobleman, to throw a Cat between my Legs?

The Creed being ſung but madly in a Popiſh Church, one ſtood up, and ſaid, 'twas all falſe. And turning to thoſe about him, Don't think, ſaid he, that I renounce to the Chriſtian Faith. 'Tis not the Letter I ſpeak of, but the Muſick.

A Gentlewoman complaining, that ſhe catched Cold, whenever ſhe went abroad to buy Things in the Shops, becauſe they lay open and expoſed to the Air, an Acquaintance of hers adviſed her, Never to go thither but on Sundays and Holy Days.

Another being forced to find a Citizen's Security, and at a loſs how to get it, offered inſtead of it a Security and a ſhe Citizen.

A dignified Clergyman, having invited ſeveral of his Friends to Dinner upon a Fiſh-day, his Purveyor told him, he had been in the Market, and that there was no Fiſh left but one Salmon, which was kept for a Judge. Whereupon his Maſter gave him a Bag of Money, bad him go back and buy the Salmon and the Judge.

In Montagne's Book of Expences, there was this Article amongſt others; Item, for my lazy Temper, 1000 Livers.

To one asking, why a lean Perſon is apter than a fat one to Love? this Reaſon was given; Becauſe a lean Perſon's Heart being nearer, for want of Fleſh, is more eaſily wrought upon.

A Gentleman riding an unruly Horſe, the Horſe capered and kicked; and the Rider, unwilling to yield, whipt and ſpurred him as faſt. One that ſtood by bad him, have more Wit. Another to whom the Fact was related, I know the Story, ſays he, but 'twas not to the Rider he ſpoke, 'twas to the Horſe.

A Miniſter in Languedoc made a Walk of Mulberry-Trees before his Church Door, and every Year made Money of the Leaves thereof for the uſe of Silkworms. After ſome Years he beſtowed the Money upon the Reparations of the Portico, with this Inſcription upon it, MORI LƲCRƲM.

Upon an Eclipſe of the Sun which hapned ſome Years ſince, a Gentleman went to give a Lady of great Quality a Viſit; who asked him, What News abroad? The Sun (ſays he) Madam, plays at bopeep.

In the Gallery of Verſailles there are long Forms of maſſy Silver, ſo that many Men together can't lift one up. Upon ſight whereof the Embaſſadors of Siam ſaid, it was a very good way to ſecure them from Thieves.

Cardinal du Perron had a Brother, who was an Hermaphrodite. When he was born, the Midwife explained the Caſe thus to the Mother. Your Son, ſays ſhe, is a Girl, and your Daughter a Boy.

A Lacedemonian, being asked by one of the chief of Athens, but a wicked Man, who was the beſt Man at Lacedemon, made him this ſevere Return, He is the beſt Man there, ſays he, that is leaſt like unto thee.