MERRY NEWES FROM Epsom-VVells.
CATO the Censor said in his time, That if the World were without Women, the Conversation of men would not be exempt from the company of Gods.
And a Doctor of the Jewes yielding a reason why the Eternal Word has so long time deferred its Incarnation, said nothing else, but that the World was then replenished with bad Women, and that four thousand years were not able to furnish out one good one, to serve as an Instrument suitable to the greatness of this Mystery.
[Page 4] Another having lived free from the Bands of Marriage, caused to be set on his Tomb; Vixit sine impedimento: He lived without hinderance: Which was a phrase very obscure, to express what he would say: Notwithstanding it was found this hinderance, whereof he spake, was a Woman. This may well happen through the vice and misery wherein the state of this present life hath confined us: But to speak generally, we must affirm, had it been the best way to frame the World without a Woman, God had done it, never expecting the Advice of these brave Cato's; and whosoever endeavoureth to condemn Marriage, though sometimes it proves contrary to expectation, sheweth, that he is either out of his Wits, or a publick enemy to Mankind; for true it is, that the laudable conversation of Women, renders it self so necessary for Christianity, that it proves a singular means to Man's felicity and happiness: Whereas, on the contrary, somthing may arise, to eclipse that mutual love, for a time; which cannot be imputed to Marriage, but a depraved Nature: Therefore, whosoever shall read these following Verses, let him take them cautionary, for it is a catching Disease; but happy is he, who feels not the operation.
THe kissing Play will ne're decay,
though Ladies look so stately:
I'le tell you a witty wanton Toy,
that hapned very lately.
It is a Jest, worth all the rest,
which ever shall come after:
'Tis new and true, and fit for you,
that do drink Epsom water.
A Citizen and his gallant Wife,
that was both gay and pretty;
And could do all things to the life,
she was so rare and pretty:
When she was kind, he could be blind,
and mind another matter:
Whil'st she was kist, he could be whist,
and run for Epsom water.
A Lawyer that, knew what was what,
did lodge next Chamber to her;
Who by her Face, did find her Case,
and turn'd an amorous Wooer:
He found out what, she would be at
so gentle was her Nature:
The Husbands Wit, was very fit
to wait, and fetch them water.
They kiss and play, the time away,
with tossing and with tumbling:
But now they intend, to come to th'end,
and stand no longer sumbling.
The poor Cits brains, ran all on gains,
who to promote the matter,
One morning early, fresh and fairly
did run out for Water.
But out alas, the Citizen was
rewarded for his labour:
The Lawyer went, by free consent
to visitt his next Neighbour.
[Page 6] He stood not long on Complement,
but aym'd his Arrow at her:
Thus many a Cuckold hath been made
by drinking Epsom water.
There they did lye, and multiply
their Kisses without number
The pleasure that, they had been at
put both into a slumber.
A Lady which from London came,
attended by her Daughter,
Went to this house (that I'le not name)
to drink of Epsom water.
The Doors were open, and below
there were no persons moving;
She comes up to these Lovers, who
were fast asleep with loving:
She peeps and stares, and stamps and swears,
and is as mad as may be;
The Lawyer wakes, tremblus and quakes
to see his own sweet-Lady.
The Lawyers Wife, with furious hands
the Chamber door doth make fast,
It griev'd her sore, to see a Whore
had got away her Breakfast
She opes the Casement, and she calls
all People to this slaughter,
How most unluckily it falls
his Wife should watch his Water.
She ope's the door, to shew the whore
and through the Town runs mading,
She told them all, both great and small,
of her Husbands dancing Fadding.
Thus was the Lawyer out-law'd by
his wary Wife and Daughter,
The Wittall whilst this tumult's high
comes sneaking in with water.
Five hundred people here were met
(though early in the morning)
There could have been no lowder fret
had all the Town been burning.
The Cuckold makes a speech between
(with laughing most pedantick)
And said the Lawyers Wife had been
some four or five years frantick.
My Wife, quoth he, I long have had
and found her alwayes honest,
Though some there are think Women bad
whose carriage is the bonniest,
But all the rout, did laugh and shout
his language could not fit all:
Though still he cry'd, yet they reply'd,
a Cuckold, and a Wittall.
To save his life, he takes his Wife,
and out of Town he trudges:
The Lawyers fact, is censur'd by
almost a thousand Judges.
[Page 8] They flout and fleer, they jest and ieas,
the Town is full of laughter,
But many of them that were there,
had padled in such water.
The Lawyers Wife did rant and tear,
enough to make the Sky burn:
It was no time to tarry there
he had better been at Tyburn.
Away he goes, fill'd full of woes,
to think what will come after,
He that loves his life, let him keep his wife
from drinking Epsom Water,
FINIS.