By Bartholomew Lane Esq.

LONDON. Printed by T. Snowden for the Author. 1683.

A Modest Vindication, &c.

THere's no body who had never seen it before, that looks upon the out­side of Bedlam, but will say, 'tis a very line Structure; and take it for some beautiful Colledge; but when they are once within side of it, and hear the several sorts of Melody which the various Professors there make in their particular Apartments; some raving, others tearing; some swear­ing, others hollowing; some whooping; 'tis twenty to one but they will know where they are; and let the People say what they will, and tell 'em they're so­ber, yet they will believe 'em to be what they are, stark mad.

So fares it with Our Modest Vindication of the Salamanca Doctor from Perjury. A very specious Frontispiece. For who cannot but look upon it as a very good work, to vindicate a mane from so foul a Crime? 'Tis a pious, good, honest, chari­table work, and might deserve Remuneration, or Retaliation, if well done; especially when a man comes so far as Morocco to do it.

To go a little farther, On an Essay to prove him only Forsworn in several Cir­stances. All this is well enough—For 'tis common in your great Portals to have a couple of ugly Satyrs, or a brace of yawning Saracens Heads staring in your face, to embellish the Workmanship. These things are frequently admit­ted in Architecture among the Sober and Judicious.

Nay, he may be allowed a Sentence or two to boot, with half a dozen Verses: They lie like Marble Steps or Ascents, very graceful and majestick. And when the People behold these outward Graces, they cry, Who lives here? sure 'tis some Lord or Knight—No, 'tis only a Master of Arts, and a Priest of the Church of England.

Certainly cries one—I cannot believe it—Why so Sirs?— Why I ventured but a little way in—and there's such raving and tearing, such fuming and foming, such a noise, such a din, such huffing and dinging, such snarling and Bowwowing, that it seems rather the Mansion of Scylla and Charybdis: All the Constables of Faringdon without may be thought few enough to keep the Peace in it. Sure, added he, the Owner of this Pile is too mad to make a Priest of. Oh Sir!—'Twould make any man mad to be abus'd as he has been. Don't tell me that Sir, I am sure Don Quixot, who was a Knight Errant, and so Cholerick, that no Priest ought to pretend to be like Him, was of another mind. For he being affronted by an Ecclesiastico, took a more serene Method in his Rebuke. You may find it, in his 32th Chapter of his sixth Book. As for the Verse, you may digest the Chapter into Verses, and find out the number your self if you please. This Ecclesiastico had said to this same Knight in the Chapter foregoing—Soul of a Pitcher, who has put it into your Noddle that you are a Cavaliero andante, Kill Giants, and overcome Windmills? A very sharp Rebuke, and no way befitting an Ecclesiastico. Now what said the meek Knight to him? I expected, quoth he, from one of your Coat, good Counsel, and private well intended Reprehensions, not to be so severely reproached in publick. For calm Reproof better befits a man of your Calling, than railing and scolding beyond all the Limits of Modesty and Civility. Why truly, this was an Affront very patiently sheath'd up, [Page 2]especially by a Knight that would quarrel with a Windmill, for grinding Corn for the Poor. But our Knight's Tempers, are some of them more testy than He. Be­sides, this man was abus'd after a strange fashion; He was Mahometanickly abus'd, Jewishly abus'd, Jesuitically abus'd—Surely you know nothing of the mat­ter;—Not I, by my Troth—I hardly read a Pamphlet once in a Quarter of a year—For I look upon all your Paper-squabbles to be but like the hideous noise, and unpleasing clamours of those Geese, from whose wings the Quills were pull'd. If you have a mind to hear Scolding, go to Billingsgate; there you may to the full de­light your Ears with such pleasing Dialogues; there they are natural, come free, & unstudy'd for. But for men to take pains to abuse one another, shew 'em to have Brains more empty than Fishwives. Oh Sir!—But what think you of Aspersions? —Would you not have a man vindicate himself from Aspersions?—You'd as good say, a man ought not to brush his Cloths when they're dirty? Why look ye Sir; some men may vindicate themselves from Aspersions, and some may not. For some men are so inconsiderable in the World, that if you divide the Nation where they live into twenty parts, nineteen and three quarters, not three quarters of the fourth quarter ever mind those Aspersions. And what should such a Person trouble himself about Aspersions. A rude Carman many times all bedashes a Hidalgo's spick and span new Suit;—this is a very great Aspersion indeed.—Upon this the Gentle­man in a violent Fury asperses the Carman, and calls him Son of a Whore. What a pitiful sort of Revenge is this? For still the Gentleman's all bedaub'd; but the Carman goes away whistling about his business, not thinking it worth his while to dispute with the Aspersed Gentleman about his Pedigree. Many a man happens to tear his Cloaths with a Nail or a Tenter-hook in some Post or Bulk against a Stall; and what then? why then the man looks first upon the Rent in his Garment, and gives the Tenter-hook a good weighty Curse. But all the while 'tis his Coat, and not the Tenterhook receives the damage. And therefore if a man be Asper­sed, and no body takes notice of it, a Vindication is like setting up a Post for his own folly to shoot at. But then on the other side, suppose there should be grounds and suspicions for this Aspersion, what signifies a Vindication then? Why then 'tis just as if one of the Night-Rommagers of my Nuncles Houses should piss upon his Embroidered Vestment to make it clean.

But you'l say, This fame Salamanca Doctor is a perillous man, a man of note; one that has more Enemies than a great many; the Papists and all that ad here to 'ein are his mortal Foes: He's the only Windmill that provokes all the Don Quixote's of the Age; mony has been got by Lambasting him with Satyrs and Pasquils; and what more would not the Papishes give? they would even sell their Madonna di Loretto, and all Mary Magdalen's Wardrobe to see him fairly Dathan'd and Abi­ram'd. Had they but known the worth of Mr. A. E. rather than he should have stay'd in Morocco three minutes, they would have exchang'd St. James of Com­postella for such a Modest Essayer, to prove their grand Enemy forsworn.

Why say you, that's no such great piece of Business with Them, to exchange a Rich Saint for a poor Devil upon a good occasion. And you know, if this Poor Devil do 'em a kindness, they can make him a Rich Saint when they please. And one Poor Devil sometimes may do 'em more good than twenty Rich Saints. There's one Mounsieur Gas-teare is the Devil of a Saint—Nay, the Devil of a Devil, but if the Papishes can but fix him, he'l make a hard shift but he'l do 'em a kindness.

Mounsieur Gas-teare!—Who's he?—I never heard of him;—Why Sir, he's a Grecian by Birth; but the most incomparable fellow under the Sky—He it was that invented all the Arts and Sciences in the World; He taught the famous Crow that saluted all The Roman Senators by their Names, as they entred the Senate House; He taught the fellow that would take ye all the Grains out of an Ear of Wheat, & then setting the Ear upright in a piece of soft Wax, would toss the particular Grains into their particular places again at four yards distance. He taught great Panurgus before he came to be a Cardinal, those pretty Inventions, of carrying about him your little short Knives, as sharp as Furriers Needles to cut Purses; of blowing Lice in the Lade Necks at Church, & fastening the men and the women together with small Hooks, as they kneeled at Mass; so that the next thing they did was to tear one anothers Silks and Sattins when [...] departed. All which he did as being in fee with the Taylors.

The same Master it was, that instructed this towardly Disciple of his to provide him­self [Page 3]with fine Handkerchiefs, strew'd with Powder of Raphorbium, and then to clap them to the Lady's Noses, to make 'em sneeze four hours together.

Elephants, Lions, Rhinocerosse's, Bears, Horses, Spaniels, sight, shoot off Pistols, tell money dance, fetch, carry, ill at his command. He invented those wicked Arts of Printing and Guns; and He it was, this Mounsieur Gas-teare, that taught our Modest Vindicator or write a Modest Ran-dan, or a Tantivy Essay to prove the Salamanca Doctor forsworn.

The Modest Vindicator, d'ye call him, you may give him the Title rather of Don Bragghibus, the Hermite of the Sounding Island. When you come into his Introduction, you would think you were in the Ancient Magical Heptaphonus, loud-resounding, noise rebounding, Ear-confounding, Jone out-thundring Portico in Olimpia. Dodona's Brazen Caldron, when the Devil and the Wind Rung all in, to receive the Answers of the Oracle, never made such a Din. Never did the two Statues erected upon Memnom Tomb in Egyptian Thebes, keep such a roaring: or Perillous ever bellow so loud in Pha­laris's Bull.

So in the Sunny Spring, when Swarms of Bees
In Clusters hang upon th' adjoyning Trees,
The Country Swains their Brazen Mettal bang,
And Copper Corybantick Basons twang,
Till high Olympus with the sound amaz'd—

Hold Sir,—The Inference is easie, and it I mistake not, too true for an Ecclesiastico. And yot Sir, I must needs say this for the Gentleman, that the Popish Plot is like the Cretan Jove, which the Saturns of the Age would fain devour. Now, who knows but this same Corybant had a design to Ring it out of their Reach, as the Cretans couzen'd Saturn? No, no, Sir, you mistake his design, he would have the Saturns devour it; and therefore he beats up his Drums in the Valley of Gehinnom, that the pitiful Cries of the poor Plot, weltring in the fiery Arms of its own Molechs, should not be Heard. For alas! the Popish Plot would fain live, only there is at present a necessity to Sacrifice it to a better Opportunity.

This Plot, Sir, came at first from the Devil, and the Papishes are sending it as fast as they can to the Devil again; knowing that no body will keep it so well as he can, or more willingly restore it them when they have occasion. And therefore this same Eeccle­siustico does like a true Conjurer, to raise Storms and Tempests, and Hurricanes, & Thun­der and Lightning for the Devil's more noble Conveyance; for the Devil alwaies Coaches it in foul Weather. Pray do but peep through the Modest Essayers Introdu­ction, and tell me whether you do not see the Popish Plot posting away in an Egg­shell upon a Broom-stick? I must confess the Introduction is very whirlwindy, flustring, blustring, violent, virulent, ranting, taunting, flaunting, and surely he destroy'd a World of Nettles with his hot Urine, before he could finish that stingy piece of Divinity—Had this Mounsieur Bragghibus but considered that pious Sermon which Gusman makes up­on the vanity of Honour, he would never have been so testy for a small Rent in the Cas­sock of his petty Reputation. A thing so small, that had not he sent us his own Mag­nifying Glass, we could no more have discerned it, than the Muscles in a Flea's Leg, or the Stepstately's of a Mete in a Cheese. But your Divers into Nature's Secrets, called Natural Philosophers, relate, that there is not a more angry, or more hussie creature in the World than a Louse: Do but handle him a little roughly in the Microscope, & you shall see him set up his bristles, and swell at least sour Inches by the Cloth-yard men­sure. And therefore a Don Bragghibus should have considered, that for a man to be made a Cuckold, is an abuse; and yet 'tis the general Opinion of the World, that Cuckolds had better carry their Horns in their Pockets, than upon their Foreheads.

That's something you say, Sir; But I must tell ye, he has not only labour'd, but he has labour'd besides the Cushion; he has stray'd from his Text like a lost Sheep from the rest of the Herd. And all at the Instigation of Mounsieur Gas-teare: So that although he has no more Charity for the Salamanca Doctor than a Hobnail, yet the Salamanca Do­ctor has so much Charity for him, as to believe, that 'twas not a Priest of the Church of England, but Mounsieur Gas-teare that wrote the Modest Vindication. For look ye, Sir, have you ever heard of a certain Country Shrove-Tuesday Sport, called, Thrashing the Cock? Why, Sir, they put this Cock in the Ground, and lay a Turf over him;— which done, he that can hit him blindfold, at such a price shall have him.—Presently in steps Mounsieur Gas-teare, and tempts one or other to undertake the Adventure.— I say, Mounsieur Gas-teare, because 'tis pour la Trippe, in hopes of the Cock's Fleshiat [Page 4]Night.—Thereupon the fellow is swath'd about the Eyes with the same impartiality that Love or Justice are said to be Hoodwinkt; then a Flail is put into his hand, and being turn'd three or four times round about, he is left to the conduct of his merciful Fortune. And now he thrashes on in the dark; whatever lies before him feels his fury; he uses no Complements, nor, By your Leaves; —No,—If his Sweet-heart stood in his way, she might receive as unmerciful a Palt as another; — Yet all this while, whatever he belabours, his aim is still at the Cock.

Even so it is with our Don Bragghibus, the Hermite of the Sounding Island; we know his main Aim is at a Modest Vindication, he levels at the Salamanca Doctor; but being blinded by Mounsieur Gas-teare, with passion and desire of Revenge, he storms and fumes at the preservation of his Soveraign; shoots his Fools bolts against those dread­ful Instruments of Murder, Poyson, Screw'd Guns, and Consecrated Daggers, with which his Sacred Life was threatned, laughs at 'em as meer Scar-Crows, and by contemptu­ously denying the possibility of any such wicked Intendments, seeks to infer an im­probability of the General Popish Plot from a silly, idle, pretended, paltry Disgust of his own against the first Discoverer. There is a famous Morallist, who tells us a story of a Fool, that if any person had flung a Stone at him, and hit him a good thump, yet would he be so far from flinging at any other than those who threw at him, that he would not throw any other Stone but that individual Stone which was flung at him­self. This Fool was ten times wiser than our wise Mounsieur Bragghibus. He pre­tends the Salamanca Doctor has thrown a Stone at him, and crackt that little, brittle Reputation he had, and therefore he flings at all, pelts the King's Preservation, slap— saies he, at the Conservation of the Kingdom; Have at the Discovery of the Popish Plot— and all this to make the King's Preservation, the Preservation of the Kingdom, and the Discovery of the Plot stand out of his way, that he might have the more room to let drive at the Head of his Capital Enemy, the Salamanca Doctor. Had the Salamanca Doctor disgruntl'd him, yet there was no reason from thence that therefore such a Muckworm of a Bragghibus as he should play the Jack-pudding with the Highest Con­cerns of Three Nations.

Whence perceiving it as plain as a Fly in the Milk, we may conclude in Friseso­morum, that our Mounsieur Bragghibus, though he pretend himself a Priest of the Church of England, is not altogether so conversant with the Bible as many others are; and therefore we would recommend to his consideration (as a History which perhaps may be more pleasing and delightful to him) the 4th Chapter of the first Book of Gusman; where he shall find many Excellent Lessons touching the understanding of Injuries, and how to proceed where Offences are taken.

Now, should you demand a Reason of these Hot and Fiery Proceedings, 'tis greatly to be fear'd that Mounsieur Bragghibus would be tunc ut nunc in Huffis & Puffis—and— Lookando over Shouldrum Leftum, would answer proudly, surlily, haughtily, promis­cuously, darkly, obscurely, deeply, profoundly. But what saies St. Ambrose? Qui huffat huffabitur—& qui look at lookabitur. Methinks I hear his Reply already. First, That Quinta Essentia suffering a Coagulation with Democratical Atoms in Genere [...] ralis­simo, 'tis not Rational that there should be a privation of the Natural Energy of Mate­rial exurgens Catholou Proton. For that Tarabin tarabas being the Hieroglyphical Con­struction of the four Elements, of which Choler is a Problematical Mixture, there can be no Efficient Cause of an Enharmonical Agreement between the Pole Artick and Antartick.

Fourthly and lastly; Seeing that in Matters of High Concernment there ought still to be Conumdrum-bombinans in the vacuity of the circumambient Air, which accord­ing to the Author of that Excellent Treatise, called The Master of Arts, Drenching-Horn is required to dilucidate the Discovery of the Hoti & Dittoti in causa sine quae non; therefore it is impossible there should be a Coalition of Intellectuals in eodem Radio Kata Pantòs.

These, Sir, if you will be so contented, are true Dodonean, Delphic, Heraclean, Sy­billine, Pythian, Ammonian, high, abstruse, recluse Answers indeed; Potent Reasons and Justifications of over boiling Choler; and therefore since we are like to expect no better from the Hermite of the Sounding Island himself, what think you of propound­ing the stress of the Hermite's Modest Vindication to two Learned and Famous Persons that I have in my Eye? — A very fair Proposal—but who are the?—Two as no­table Casuists o' my word, as ever tormented Genus and Species.

The learned Suarez, and most acute Alvarez.—Agreed — Why then— [...]re­nas, Mannanas, Sennores — No persons so fit as you to resolve the Doubts and Questions, we shall propound to ye, as being both Spaniards; and for that the difference, from whence our Doubts arise concern a Doctor of Salamanca, and the Hermit of the Sounding Island, who has been a Slave among the Moors, once Lords of a great part of your Country — Yet we would not have you favour Salamanca for Salamanca's sake, nor give a wrong judgement against the Her­mit for the sake of the Moors your Capital Foes.

Suar, Alvar.

Sennores no los conocemos uy el un, ny el otro; però haremos nos la justitia a todos dos sin algumâ parcialidad.


No more Spanish — Only this farther we request, that your re­plies may be very short, and that you would, if possible, answer us in Monosy­lables, or Dissyllables at most, for we love brevity and Laconicness exceedingly.

Alv. Suar.


Do we not find in credible History, mention made of Consecrated Daggers, and of Poyson mix'd in the very Host it sell, for the destruction of Princes?

Suar. Alvar.


And is there any impossibility that a serew'd Gun may be made use of for the same wick'd intendments?

Suar. Alvar.


What Members do Men make use of when they give Evidence against Tray­tor?

Suar. Alvar.


Do they breath when they speak?

Suar. Alvar.


Is it then the breath of the Witness, or the Law, by which the Criminal is condemn'd, that is the occasion of the Criminals being hang'd?

Suar. Alvar.


What does the Hermit mean by the destruction of several eminent Persons. Does he not mean those notorious Jesuites, who, if for nothing else, had been justly executed, only for being found nestling in a forbidden Land?

Suar. Alvar.


What does he mean by Hazarding the lives of a great many more? does he not mean the Rest, that by reason of our confusions and distractions have hitherto escap'd? And does it not shew the true Popish inclinations of a Church of Eng­land Priest?

Suar. Alvar.


The what does such a prophane Libeller, such a froppish Droller upon the Deliverances of Heaven, and Ridiculer of his Princes and his Countries Preser­vation deserve?

Suar. Alvar.


What are they that will not beleive a Popish Plot, examin'd by the King and his Council acknowledged by the Parliament of the Nation, and attested by the Sentences of the Judges of the Land? Are they a Fools or a Knaves?

Suar. Alvar.


Is not the Hermit of the Sounding Island an impudent Priest of the Church of England to deride the Salamanca Doctor's Attestation against the worst of Crimi­nals by the Name of Buke-blawing.

Suar. Alvar.


Which of the two, d'ye think speaks most to the purpose, Guzman or the Hermit?

Suar. Alvar.

Gu [...]

He tells ye the Salamanca Doctor was at length put upon it to trie an expe­riment to fix Property, &c.

Suar. Alvar.


And don't you verily believe, that Laztrillo de Tormes made as good an ex­cuse [Page 6]to the Cardinal for stealing his Conserves, as the Hermit has done for pub­lishing his modest vindication.

Suar. Alvar.


What a Man reports of himself is most properly to be beleived, but the Hermit himself reported of himself, that he was circumcised.

Suar. Alvar.


But suppose he had been circumcised a la Moresca, think ye the Ladies would have thought him a whit the worse for that?

Suar. Alvar.


Had the Salamanca Doctor reported he had been circumciz'd a la Torquesca, the you'd say the Case had been altered, by the total Privation of the Callibi­ster & couillons couillontes secundum quid.

Suar. Alvar.


Which nevertheless had it been done effectually, had been no such injury nei­ther: For thereby had the Hermit been freed from sundry painful diseases, as Pri [...]n, the Diabetes, the Stone in the Bladder, &c. Tollantur testiculi, saith St. Origen, ut co intensior sit animus in studiis coelestibus.

Suar. Alvar.


Then if he turn Mahometan, he might well be excused, Lazarilla de Tormes Father turned Mahometan, and so got him a rich Wife. Quandiu Romae vixeris, ut Romae faciunt, facito, saith St. Jerome.

Suar. Alvar.


Now did you ever know so much of the Hermit of the Sounding Island before in your lives?

Suar. Alvar.


Well but suppose you never had. Do you think it would have been much to the detriment of Mankind?

Suar. Alvar.

Rien de Tout.

Why then what Reason had ha [...] to be incens'd against the Salamanca Doctor? For had he been hang'd he might have been Sainted ere this.

Suar. Alvar.

Most sure.

But he had not the least fondness to be hanged. No more you'l say has the pi­tifullest Cur, that barks at your heels in the Street.

Suar. Alvar.


And yet it had been no such disgrace to keep Eminent Persons company.

Suar. Alvar.

Nondum venit Hora.

Now you must know, Sirs, that after this the Hermit arrested the Doctor. And what do ye think he got by't?

Suar. Alvar.


How many?

Suar. Alv.


More, Gentlemen; for the Jury were loath to discourage him, for fear of losing such a precious Priest of the Church of England.

Suar. Alvar.


Look ye, Gentlemen, there was ten pound for Mahometisme, and ten pound for Circumcision. A Man would not be really Circumcis'd perhaps for a hundred pound, but he may be reported Circumcis'd for ten. Tis the price currant, Camblo maritimo. And you see he was glad he got that too, for he calls it foyl­ing the Goliah. Twenty pound might well be thought little enough for a pretended defamation of this person, when a Jew, a cunning Jew gave six hundred peices of Eight for his Body; and now add twenty pound to six hundred peices of eight and there's the full value of him, his Reputation, Skin and Bones and all. However this does not sign [...]fie that the Salamanca Doctor was in the wrong, infinitely much less that he was perjur'd, but only that he could not prove what he said. For most certainly Gusman was in the right when he told the Auditor del Torrone, or Chief Justice of Bologna, that Alexander [Page 7]had stollen his Cloaths; but because he could not prove what he said, Alexander was let go, and Gusman was [...]a [...]d by the Heels.

But a Blots a Blot, and a Tarnish a Tarnish, and therefore it had been bet­ter for the Hermit to have endur'd the Title of an ill name had he desfie'd to have it die quickly. For, saith the Sententious Gusman in his sixth Chapter of his first book of his second part. With the more, violence Men s [...]k to shake it off the more it cleaveth unto them; Insomuch that it continues some­times to the fifth Generation; and then those that succeed them, glory and boast themselves thereof, and Blazon that for their Arms, which their An­cestors held for an affront. Hermit of the Sounding Island, take an Especial care of your Posterity. And indeed it appears that the Hermit was but a piti­ful scowrer of durty Reputations, who thought to wash off the Stains and Blemishes of his own inconsiderable, Open arid Credit (which was never ripe till now that it publickly appears to be rotten) by aspersing the most con­siderate proceedings of the highest Authorities of the Nation. Alas, the Cre­dit of the Salamanca Doctors Testimony supported by the Approbation of the three Estates of the Kingdom is not to be Twenty-pounded out of that esteem which is due to it, by the little Victory of an Acorn-Divine, in the nice and Tick­lish poynts of Law. Which walking secundum allegata & probatos proceeds to sentence according to the Strength or weakness of Probation. Where­in if the Salamanca Doctor fail'd, it shews him to be no such Artist at swearing as this same Sally Priest would make him, while only failing upon the score of his intelligence, he may perhaps be said to be unwary in his report, but not perjur'd by any means. Nor is the Hermit ere' a jot the more unmaho­matiz'd or uncircumcis'd by the kindness of his verdict, seeing there is no Cer­tificate of able Surgeons, nor return of grace and experienc'd Midwifes in­spection amiex'd to the Postea. So that how having ascended the Stage of the World in a case difficult to determine, he is Mahometan, circumcis'd, or Christi­an as every one pleases, since every man is left to the freedom of his own Sen­timents.

The latter part of his introduction is a meer Declamation against hanging, against which he seems to have a very great Antipathy. But whether it be out of any deep sence of his deserts, or whether out of kindness to that manner of execution, as beleiving his person would be a disgrace to the Gallows, is a doubt to be added to the rest of Tullies Tusculan questions.

And thus we come to the long, tedious, lamentable, joyful, tragical, mirth­ful, doleful, chearful, dreadful, delectable, miraculous, nonsensical story of the Hermites Captivitie and escape out of the Land of Mussulmania, where he con­tinued a Slave three hundred sixtie five years, three months, three hours, three half hours, three quarters, three minutes, and three half minutes.

Exeunt Suarez and Alvarez.

Wich story tho the Hermite has got by it many a fair repast, and many a Reckoning paid by telling it over and over again in Hackney Coaches, Coffee-Houses, Ale Houses, and Taverns, yet he never told right; as appears by a New Relation of one of his Follow-Slaves, who made his escape much [...]bout the same time, printed in French at Cologn, 1682. and divided into Ch [...]pters by the Translator, for the more easie apprehension of the Reader.

The TRUE HISTORY OF THE STRANGE ADVENTURES OF THE Wandring Hermit OF THE SOƲNDING ISLAND, AND Of his being taken by the Moors: His miserable Captivity: And his Miraculous escape from thence.

CHAP. I. How the Hermit of the Sounding Island desi'd the Sala­manca Doctor in the great City of Eblana in the Kingdom of Ivernia: And how he was made to pay sauce for his Tongue.

THE Hermit of the Sounding Island having ill spent his time in the famous City of G [...]g [...]a, so that every one avoided him for cer­tain Lazarillian qualities incident to Youth, he fell into a brown Study. In this brown Study, quo he most certain it is, that I am a very great Prophet; for I find I am little esteem'd in my own Country. I will therefore go seek some other place, where there are not such a multitude of Crape Gown Scavengers to sweep and cleanse the Streets of a City with their long Gowns, as here in Londinum. And thus determin'd, he went and found out the Dwarf Pacolet, carried him to the Ale-house, and drank him in­to so good a humour, that he lent him his Horse: Which he immediately mounted, and rod night and day, till he arrived at the City of Eblana or Dubli­nium in the Kingdom of Ivernia. Here he was got into a strange Country, and therefore it behov'd him to shew the excellency of his refined Endowments, af­ter [Page 9]an extraordinary and dazeling manner. How Pacolet came by his Horse a­gain you shall hear at more leisure, but it fell out pat for the Hermits purpose that the noise of the Popish Plot, and the Salamanca's Doctors discovery was got to the City of Eblana before him: Thereupon, that he might shew the sharpness of his understanding, the vivacity of his discerning distinguishing faculties, and the rareness of his ingenuity, he began to consider, whether it were possible for a Mortal man to be kill'd with a screw'd Gun, to be poyson'd with Poyson, or stab'd with a consecrated Dagger, and not being able to penetrate the depth of these Mysteries, nor to unfold such unheard of Riddles as these were; thereupon out of a desire to please the Ivernians, of whom a very great number are Papists, he openly defi'd the Salamanca Doctor; and challeng'd all the world to discourse with them concerning the Possibility of this, the Impossibilitie of that; the Probability of this, and the Improbability of that; so that the detestable Conspiracy of the Papishes, and their abomi­nable Plot against their Sovereign Lord the King, was made the contemptible Subject of his corousing mirth, and rendred to the publick as an Endymion's Dream, a Fantome, a thing in the Clouds, a Chimaera, and a meer Tale of a rosted Horse. For which the Papists caressed him and fed him with Hony, Capons, and fat Beef. But the loyal Inhabitants of Eblana, hearing of it com­plained to the Governours of the City, who presently sent for the Hermit, and caus'd him to be lock'd up in an Iron Cage, nor would they let him out till he had paid the ransome of ninety and six thousand of brass Farthings, which the Papists, as they say, begg'd for him up and down the Country. And this is the reason the Hermit has had such a Portal Antipathy against the Plot and the Salamanca Doctor ever since.

CHAP. II. How the Hermit of the Sounding Island went on Pilgri­mage to Rome to visit the Nymph Ninna Pandolpha: And what there befell him.

THE Hermit of the Sounding Island thus exil'd out of Ivernia, returns into the Realm of Bretannia, but finding there no comfort, and being over­grown with necessity, like a Muscovites Chin with hairs: He bethought himself how to live in this World, taking no care for the other. He had heard of St. Francis▪ St. Dominick, St. Loyola, and several others who liv'd well in their times, by erecting several Fraternities and Religious Orders, of which becoming the Cheif Heads and Governours themselves, they abounded in case and plenty all their dayes. And why then, quo' he, should not I be like wise Head of a New Order, who abound in Wit, Cunning, Sophistry, Learning, Eloquence, and what not? To this purpose he had heard, that the Assistance of a Woman, who was made to be a meet Help for Man, would mainly conduce. Thereupon being satisfied of the great endowments, and rare ingenuity of the Nymph Ninmi Pan­dolpha, he resolved to give her a visit, and court her friendship. Puft up with these thoughts he gets him a couple of bladders, and knowing that the passage between Dover and Calais was much nearer, than that over the Lake Cocytus, and in a calm day, imagining himself to be Leander, crossing the Hellespont to his beloved Hero, committed himself to the mercy of the Sea, which being Con­scious of the precious burden it carried, bore him safe to the Iccian Haven whence Caesar imbarqued for England. Being thus got on shore, he bethough [Page 10]himself of Tom Coricis way of Travelling in Hermits Habit, knowing that Her­mits among the Papishes are every where plentifully and kindly receiv'd. But for fear of the worst he took care to Travel in Autumn, to the end he might Dine and Sup with the Birds, as he past along, upon Grapes, Pigs, Almonds, Pruens, Damsons, and such other ripe fruits as the season afforded. It would be tedious to tell ye where he rested when weary, under what hedges he lay, how the Ravens brought him Victuals as he labour'd it up the Alps; It is enough to tell ye, that at length he got to Rome, and having found out the fair Nymph Ninna Pandolpha, how that having overgorg'd himself with green fruit upon the Road he deliver'd her a Recommendatory Letter from the An­gel Gabriel, and three thumping farts (according to the custom of Ship-Sa­lutation) at the same time. The Nymph was something coy at first, mis-doubting something of an Imposture, but finding the Letter so fairly written, that it look'd like a Marquesses Patent, she gave him a kind and gracefull wel­come. Then, quo' the Hermit, Fair and Beautiful Nymph, true it is that my outward Garments are but poor and mean, such as becomes a Hermit to wear, but the parts which they conceal, I doubt not but you will find upon more in­timate Conversation, worth your knowledge. My design is to erect a New Order of Religious Persons in the World, in regard so many that have gone before me have so well thriv'd both in body and Soul by such pious projects. Reverend and well intending Hermit, quo she, Rome is no place for Invention, but for Conformation of Orders. Those studies require remote places of re­tirement, not Cites full of noise and multitude. I know it well, fair Nymph, reply'd the Hermit, and therefore I am ready to attend your Footsteps where ever any such place may possibly be found. After these and many more discour­ses and Complements, at length they bethought themselves of the Rock where Numa convers'd with the Goddess Aegeria, when he Compil'd the Roman Laws. To be short, thither they went, and there they stayd threescore and ten years devising sundry new, devout, and pious Ordinances for the Regulation of their intended Society, which they accorded should be called the Fraternity of the Holy Bottle. First that they who were fuddled over night, should pay a groat next Morning. That Men should pay Beverage for new Gloves and Shoo­strings. That no Vintner should sell French-wine in Flaskes without a License from the head of the Society. That all other Men should endeavour to live comfortably in this World by hook or by Crook. That the Gospels and Epistles belonging to the Breviare of the Fraternity should be taken out of Guzman, and Don Quixot, with many others of the same nature. At the threescore and ten years end out they came, and presented their New Constitutions to Pope Odes­chelchi, who believing such an Order might prove of great Consequence, for the good of the Kingdom, and the extirpation of Heresie, had like to have confirm'd it; but that the Cardinal Santa Cruce oppos'd it, telling his Ho­liness that there were more Orders than could well live one by another already, and that farther all of the Orders to this day Erected, were under the same Constitutions already. Thereupon the Pope gave the Hermit and the Nymph Ninna Pandolpha thanks for their pains, and five Ducates a peice as a Gra­tuity. Which so enraged the Nymph Ninna Pandolpha, that she went home, tore the Angel Gabriles Letter, call'd the Hermit fool, and left him to shift for himself.

CHAP. III. How the Hermit was receiv'd into the Colledge of Caledonians at Rome, and there read a Lecture upon Salt-Pork.

THE Hermit being thus defeated in his Grand design, was fore'd to keep Lent in spite of his Teeth, which was such affliction to his Belly, that he could no longer endure the continual clamours of his Stomach, that [Page 11]grew to be more impatient than a Regiment of Switzers for want of their pay. You might have had his Birthright for a Mess of water-gruol. Ventre diable, quo' he, I was told, that when a Man was in Rome, he must do as they did in Rome. I wish they would make their words good. For I find all other people eat and drink in Rome, unless it be my self. And so saying, he made directly to the Colledge of the Caledonians without delay. The Gate being shut, he knockt and crav'd admitance per Pamor d' Iddio. They told him they knew no such person as Iddio, and bid him be gone. Pray, good Gentlemen, quo' he, a Man of my Habir, in our Country, with hardly a tatter to his tale, may have Ten Shillings for a Sermon, and a Dinner at any time; Sermons, quo' they, we have more then we know what to do with. Ple read ye a Lecture then quo' he. Lectures! quo they; those were the cursed things that set us all to­gether by the ears in England. Madre de gli Apost di! quo he, I never knew the Gates of a Religious House that against a Hermit before. Those words were like a Charm, and gave him present Entrance, besides that his grave and ve­nerable aspect gave them hopes of hearing strange things from him. How­ever there was no reason that their expectations should be satisfi'd before his; which being done with a large replenishment of three days break fast, Dinner and Supper, in which time the Hermit devour'd a whole Wild-Boar, thirty dozen of Pigeons, the Tripes of seven far Oxen, besides Bread and Sallets; all which he washed down with four large Vessels of Wine without Water, each containing two hundred and sixteen quarts. Nel noune di tutti gli Santi, cryed one of the Galedonians, who have we got here? Heaven knows cry'd a­nother, but he feeds as if he were to be second to Saint Michacl. If he has not a Budget in his throat cry'd another, like a Monkey, the Devils in him. However because they saw him seed so Prodigiously, they believ'd he would talk Miracles: And therefore they thought every minute a year, till they might hear his promis'd Lecture. Thereupon the Hermit reading their minds in their looks, when the Table was clear'd, call'd for a Cushion: And where he sate, thus began.

Most kind Brethren quo' he, I have here eaten of your Wild-Boar, but in my Opinion; con la iostra Licenza, Santissimi Padri, it is nothing so good as our salt Pork in England. The Jews had not the way of salting it, which a­bates that feminifie, and consequently prolifie quality which it has being fresh; and that was the reason that Swines flesh was for bid to the Jews, a people that needed no Incentives or Provocatives to Venery. Besides the Salting of Pork, most dear Brethren, consumes that fleshy Moisture which would other­wise render it more nauseous, especially to weak Stomachs. Tho for my part Heavens be prais'd, I can eat it fresh or salt at any time. However were I put to my choice, I would rather have salt Pork and Turneps; salt Pork and Pease, then fresh Pork and Turneps, fresh Pork and Peas [...]. You'l say perhaps that salting may make it hard. To that Objection I answer most Reverend Fa­thers, it behoves ye all to rise betime in the Morning. First for your Prayers sake: Secondly for the setting on of the Pot. For the sooner ye rise the quicker will be your Appetite; the sooner the Pot is on, the sooner the Pork will be in the Pot; the longer it boyles, the tenderer it will be; the tenderer it is, the more grateful it will be to the Palate, the less troublesome it will be to the Teeth, and the better it will nourish your Religious Patron ships; which was the only end, and final intention of the Founders of eating: For that we do not eat to live, but live to eat, as having nothing else to do, but to live and eat in this World.

This was the subject of the Hermits Lecture, which tho in it self deserving the chiefest place of a Booksellers stall among the dayly croud of Wedding, Funeral, Sunday Sermons, yet being made in the Commendation of Pork, the Caledomians took it so hainously, that they resolv'd to have him chas'd out of Rome for a Heretick. Tho in so doing they did like a Company of blind bayards▪ [Page 12]for that by their Inadvertency the Church of Rome lost the greatest Proselyte, that ever it had had since the death of Saint Peter.

CHAP. IV. How the Hermit of the Sounding Island made him an Engine, and flew to Lisbonia in the Realm of Porto Gallia.

THE Hermit of the Sounding Island having thus Pork'd himself out of the City of Antichristia; where had it not been for this unlucky accident, he had cer­tainly in a short time ascended to the degree of a Cardinal, began to bethink him­self what a long way he had to foot it back again. And therefore calling to mind the hardships which he had before endur'd, he resolv'd to make him an Engine to fly. You'l say perhaps he had not wit enough, I do not say he had; but he got the Sieur Besnier, a French Smith to help him. So they took two Poles or Rods which at each end of them had a long Chassie of Taffaty, which Chassies folded from above downwards, as the frame of a folding Window A. represents the right wing before, B. the left wing behind. C. the left wing be­fore, and D. the left wing behind. Then he took a small string, and tied it from the wing B. to the left foot by which it was mov'd downwards, at the same time that the wing A. was mov'd downwards by the right hand. Then he took another string and fasten'd it to his right Leg; by which the right wing D. behind was made to descend at the same time that the left hand drew down C. the left wing before, which done, the Hermit put and fitted these Poles to each shoulder, so that two of the Chassies were before him, and the other two behind him. Now the Chassies or wings which were before him were struck down­wards by the strength of his Arms and hands, by which the hinder wings were lifted up; and the fore wings were struck downwards by the Leggs, which pull'd them down by the two strings which were fastened both to the Leggs and hinder wings.

Having thus compleated his Engine, after four days practice, he got up stairs and throwing himself out of a Garret Window away he flew in the Devils name with a little Compass in his mouth to direct him his right course.

And now he had not flown above a hundred Leagues, but all the Astronomers and Srar-gazers were got out in the Streets Turrets and Steeples, gaping with their Astrolabes, Telescopes, and admiring at the strangeness of the sight and some say'd he was the Prince of the Airs Ambassadour, that was going upon urgent affairs to the Prince of darkness, others sayd it was the Tankard bearer broke loose from the Zodiack, some said it was the Devil himself, and could be nothing else, for that the motion of his wings was Perfectly Diagenal. In short the conjectures were many that were made of the sight, and the predictions as many that were rais'd from it. Some talk'd presently of the end of the world. Others foretold great alterations of the affairs of France and Germany: Others predicted great scarcity, by reason that he had so fan'd the Air with his Chassies, that there was not like to be any more Clouds in four thousand years. And this is certain that the noise of his Chassies flip flop, flip flop as he flew, caus'd such a consternation a­mong the fowles of the Air, that they have not dar'd to come near the Hedges, Gardens, Orchards, Forests or Woods, over which he took his flight, never since.

At length after many restings in old Appletrees, Oaks, Elmes, and Barns he arriv'd at Lisbon, where he met with a Dancer of the Ropes, who observing that the Hermits Engine might be very useful to him to conveigh him from line to line for the sport of the people, gave him a hundred thousand pounds a day for the use his Engine, which as it prov'd to the great advantage of the Dancer on the Ropes, so was it a great support to the Hermit.

CHAP. V. How the Hermite of the sounding Island, met with the famous Tunbellioso, Prio [...] of the Abbey call'd the Abbey of the Golden Lyon, and how they drink to gether in one of St. Christophers Boots.

ALthough the Hermite were thus in a most fortunate and flourishing Condi­tion, yet he could not but think it scandalous for one of his Profession to be a Lover of the World, and consequently a Hoarder of Money. There­fore quoth the Hermite, one day to the Rope-dancer, should I now with this money build a religious House, what should I get by it? For there men live lazy, idle and un­grateful; and to burn so many young Virginities in female Cloysters goes against my natural Disposition. Nor did I hear of any Hermite yet, that ever erected a Temple to Bacchus, besides that there are so many advanc'd to his Honour already. Come on then, i'll tell ye what i'll do, i'll e'en spend this Hundred Thousand Pound a day in Drink, which is more than ever was done in this World before. But where shall a Man meet with a Firmus or a Barbarus, to keep one Company? that Firmus was a brave Fellow for he drank Wine, as the Story says by Pailfuls. Take no care quoth the Rope dancer, here's a Gorbelly'd Prior of this City, that if the Rivers in this Realm ran Port o Port; would empty e'm all in six Weeks, and in the six Weeks more piss 'em full again. Let me never drink more quoth the Hermite, if I ever close my Eyes before I see this Miracle of Mankind. By the bones of St. Crispin, i'll not change Renown with Hercules or Bevis of Southampton, if I can but conquer this bold Prior: In the Name of St. Winefred, quoth the Hermite, how d'ye call him? Tun-Bell oso, quoth the Rope dancer, or the Prior of the Abbey of the Golden Lyon. It was impossible to stop the Hermite a minute longer, and so they went to seek out the Prior, and finding him at his Convent, to relye the Complements that past will take up too much time. It is enough to tell thee that the Prior and the Hermite understood one another in a Trice so well, that the Prior call'd immediatly for six Pailfuls of Port o Port Bouze it away quoth the Hermite, a whole Pailful at a draught. Not so quoth the Prior, to drink like a Tub-woman—I have a more noble quaffing Vessel—no less than a Re­lick—one of the famous St▪ Christophers Boots, which he wore when he carry'd the Ap­parition over the Red Sea. What you please reply'd the Hermite, so we were once at the sport. Thereupon the Prior began two whole Boots full brimmers to the Hermite. the Hermite pledg'd the Prior his two, and wheel'd upon him Three. The Prior pledg'd him three, and wheel'd upon him four. The Hermite pledg'd the four, and wheel'd upon the Prior five. The Prior took off his five, and wheel'd upon the Hermite fix. The Hermite pledg'd the six, and wheel'd upon his Antagonist seven. Now quoth the Her­mite, methinks we are taking the Pleasures of the infernal shades, according to that of Erasmus, who being ask'd by Cardinal Pole, what they did there? cry'd out Bibitur in Ocreis, they drink in Boots,—Bim—Bom—Boam—quoththe Prior, what a Blessing it is that we enjoy this good Wine! I hare a Flincher as I hate the Devil. We never study in this Abbey for fear of the Mumps Horsu, then quoth the Hermite Clink—Clink—Drink, never think Calm was the Evening, Haboys Guggle,—guggle—Good, good,- good—is the true Harmony of the Sphears. There's nothing like drinking with a Hei pass—Touch and goes the word—ne'r fear drowning, Man—because the water seems up to your Nose—You see which way it runs. I have a stomach as hollow as Polyphemus's Cave—and then twill stretch like a piece of new broad Cloath upon the Tenters. The Sun drinks up the Sea—the Moon and Stars drink up the Sun —thus all the World an eternal Health. — Let it go round quoth the Prior—sera est in fundo parcimonia, says the Proverb, and therefore he [Page 34]that sees not the bottom of his Bowl refuses good Counsel. Brevis Oratio penetrat Caelos, Longa Potatio evacuat schyphos, was the saying of one of my Predecessors, as Boon a Companion as ever said Mattins.

In this carowsing Posture they continu'd roaring, pratling and drinking from the Full of the Moon, to the Full of the Moon again; for they did not measure Time by Days or Nights, which is the short measure of the Sun, but by the long measure of the Moon, which never pretends to send men to bed, or to call 'em up in the morning, as the Sun does. But as the longest Day must have an end, tyr'd and hotheaded the Prior and the Hermite began to think of taking a little Rest. Quoth the Prior, I never sleep to my content, but when I sit at a Sermon, or go about to say my Prayers. And therefore let you and I begin the Office of Beati Qui, i'll war­rant you, before we have read one page the Physick will work. This advice pleas'd the Hermite extreamly, and so the Prior call'd for his Breviary. The force of which was such, that e're they had repeated four Verses apiece by way of Sansansansan—they dropt as fast asleep as two old Cats, and fell a snoaring like two Car­riers, and so continued sleeping and snoaring till the next full of the Moon; for by that time the influence of that Planet had so well drain'd their heads and their stomacks, that they both wak'd at the same instant: They had no sooner rubb'd their Eyes, but the Prior call'd for the Boot and six Pailfuls of Wine to settle their Stomachs, which they made no more of, then Xerxes Army did of the small River Simois by Troy. And they had certainly had t'other Bout, had it not been for an Accident. For it so happen'd that two of the greatest Philosophers in Lisbonia could not agree a­bout a dispute that was between them, and therefore they resolv'd to refer the nicety of the matter to the Hermite, whom they could not but think to be a Person of great Judgment, considering after what a strange manner he came to their City.

CHAP. VI. How the Hermite of the sounding Island determined the Controversie between Trifle and Toyle-brains two famous Philosophers, concerning the Number of the Inhabitants of the World; by which a notable Conjecture may be made at the Number of the Sands of the Sea.

IT was no small honor for the Hermite of the sounding Island to be made the Umpire between two such famous Philosophers as the profound Trifle and the far applauded Toyle-braines in a controversie touching the deepest Mysteries that ever Nature conceal'd, and therefore he readily undertook so fair a Province, from whence he hop'd the greatest Renown and Profit imaginable.

Now you must understand that the Philosopher Trifle had espyed by the help of his Microscope certain little Animals in the Milt of a Codfish; about which he was extreamly troubled in Conscience. For he thought he had found out the business; believing that the semen prolificans was a living Body of it self, composed of several other living Bodies, which Nature and Concupiscence together throwing into its pro­per receptacle, form'd another single living Creature of many other living Creatures, thereby intimating that life was before life; and Democratically concluding that all liv­ving Creatures were produced by a Conjunction of several living Democratical Atoms.

The Sieur Toyle-brains was monstrously perplexed in mind about the certain Num­ber of Inhabitants that peopled the World. And these were the two Brain con­founding doubts propounded by the two Philosophers to the Hermite of the Sound­ing Island.

It required sometime for the Hermite to resolve these Delphic Questions, so that while he was inspecting the Milts of Codfish, Eeles, Pikes, Trouts, Dace and Mi­nows, and surveying the Vasa Deferentia of Cats, Hogs and Dogs, Weezels, Dor­mice, dead Fryers and departed Nuns, Turkies, Capons, Geese, Sparrows, Eagles and Titmise, the two Philosophers had time enough to build an Amphitheater as big as that at the ancient Nicomedia in Bithynia, sufficient to contain fourscore Thou­sand Spectators.

Which being finished, and the Hermite having appointed the Day, Heavens! what a concourse of People was there to admire the Hermites Learning, almost enough to have satisfyed the Sieur Toyle-brains doubt, had they been told.

Silence being commanded, the Hermite first declared what great pains he had taken, then he told the Assembly, that he had viewed the Milt of a Codfish and that in the Juice of it he had discovered an infinite Number of live Animals continu­ally moving to and fro: and that he judged their Number to be about ten Thousand. That in the semen of a Cock he had discovered about 50000. and that he heard them crow all at a time; and that in an Eele they wriggl'd very much, by which he conclu­ded that all these Animals were of the Nature of the Creature to which they gave life; and that the Testicles of the several Creatures in the World were made for the production of those Animals, and to keep them till they were made use of.

Now then quoth the Hermite as to the second doubt, considering that in such a small, quantity of the juice of the milt of no bigger then a sand Cod-Fish, and there are more than 10000 small living Creatures, and considering how many such quantities may be contained in the whole milt, I do positively aver that the milt of one single Codfish contains more living Animals, then there are living men a [...] one time upon the Face of the Earth.

For look yee, right Noble and right Reverend, a hundred Sands in length will make an Inch; so then in a cubic Inch you will have a Million of Sands. A milt of a Codfish is 15 Cubic Inches, containing 15 Millions of Quantities no bigger then a Sand. Now if there be 10000 in one Quantity, there will be in 15 Quantities 150000000000 to proceed then. The compass of the Earth is 5400 Dutch Miles, the Superficies 3092072 Miles. Now there are in Holland and Westfriesland, to my cer­tain knowledge, not one more or less, 1000000 People; therefore demonstrably the whole surface of the inhabited World contains 13385000000 Millions of People.

When the Assembly heard the great Learning of the Hermite, and how Geometrical­ly and Arithmetically he had resolved the Philosophers Riddles, there was such a hi­deous shout that the very breath of the peoples throats darkened the Air for ten Hours. And such was the Fame and Renown of the Hermite, that the two great Philosophers Trifle and Toyle-brains could not think any recompence high enough for him. However at length they made a shift to raise as many Thirteen-pence half­penies, as there were small Animals in the Milt of a Codfish, which they presented him as a Testimony of their gratitude for his indefatigable pains.

CHAP. VII. How the Hermite was taken by the Moores, and what befel him thereupon.

FOrtune as experience tells us, does not always smile; she sometimes frowns, thus the Hermite being laden with all this Wealth, was now resolved to return to his Native station. Whether he intended to have made any use of it, or only to have kept it by him, that after his decease the next finder might take it for his pains, is uncertain. But fortune at that time somewhat Popishly, affected, and not thinking it proper for a Hermite to be so worldly-well accommodated, resolved he should not lye long under such an Opportunity of Temptation. After many Con­sultations with the superior Faculties of his Soul, the Hermite at length concluded [Page 36]to swallow his Treasure, then to wrap himself up like Ixion in a Cloud, and so to sail home in a Coco Nut. But unfortunately it fell out, that as he was driving with the Tide by a Moores man of War, one of the Seamen putting forth a Bucket at the end of a Pole to take up some water, took up the Coco Nut, Hermite hand all; this fatal accident dissolved the charm, so that immediatly the Hermite appeared upon the Deck among the Moores, as visible as the Peeke of Tenareff. Any Men but Sea-men would have been afraid, but Sea-men, especially Moores, fear neither God nor the Devil, and which was worse, a Ragamuffin of a Moore, having taken some distast at the Hermite, strook him so hard upon his stomach; that he made it chink like a Church Wardens Bason. Thereupon the Captain ordered him such a dose of Co­loquintida as scowred his Colon in less then two hours, as clean as an Artillery mans Musket. And now you may, if you please, suppose him, (son you are con­strained to nothing,) stript naked, penyless, friendless, exposed to sale in the Slave­market. at Sally.

But the poor Hermite looks so like a red Herring, which being long driven in the parching Sun, and so thin bellied by reason of his late purge, that no body would bid the price of a meazled Hogg for him. Till at length a certain Jew mak­ing strict enquiry after him and understanding from one of his keepers, how he had been strangely taken up in a Coco Nut, and how he had been for some time invi­sible, till Mahomet discovered him, and how that he might be some Christian Con­jurer. Nay quoth the Jew, if he be a Conjurer, I'le make him pay trebble, his Ran­som, for then he must be acquainted with the Devil, and the Devil's, never without money, therefore the Jew payed down six Thousand pieces of Eight for him & carryed him home, resolving the Devil should pay sauce for him, when ever he came to pay his Redemption. But the Jew had better have been without him; for there was not a day past wherein the Hermite did not play his Patron one Dog trick or other. Among the rest one day he put Cowitch in his Sherbet, which put his Patron into such a fit of farting and laughing, that he had like to have spit out his Lungs. Another time he layed such an unsavory Dose under his Patrons pillow, that had almost poysoned him. His master being in the dark, threw away the Pillow, be­lieving that had offended him. But then going to lye down again, he laid his Nose full in the midst on't: Which caused such a Relaxation of the Ventricles of his Sto­mach as had like to have cost him his life; another time he went and begg'd a parcel of Syracuse Wine of the French Consul, and set it in his Patrons way. His Patron tasting it, never left tasting and sipping, till he had sipped himself dead drunk. Which the Hermite perceiving, made bold with his Scimatar, and a good parcel of his Patrons Spainish pieces, with an intention to have shewed him a fair pair of Heels.

But being apprehended and brought back again to his Patron, the Jew was so incensed against him, that he resolved to roast him alive.

In short he made him fast to a Spit, as they do spit Cock Eeles, having first larded him all over with a Larding needle: Then he brought him into the Sun, setting a­nother Slave to turn him; and after he had well basted him with Honey, left him till he thought he might be enough. The Hermite in this Condition, fell to what he had seldom made use of before, his Devotions more especially to St. Lawrence; and after he had made his Petitions to Heaven, he applyed himself to the Turnspit, with such mollifying and softning Language, that as his Body dript, the Turnspits heart melted; and pity (no doubt the St. had a Finger in the pye) so overcame him, that he unloosed the Hermite from the Spit, when the Hermite was loose, he went in that heat to seek out his Patron who was coming forth to see whither he were e­nough or no. But [...]eeing his Slave in that pollute, retreated. The Hermite follow­ed him, spirted him through the thud Lappet of the Liver, and so penetrating the Diaphragma, past by the Pericardium, and out under his left Armpit. (For had he touched the Pericardium the wound had been mortal,) and then cut off his Head. Having thus secured his Patron he stayed till Mid-night, then he took off [Page 17]his Patrons what he thought convenient; then he leapt into the Street; then he met no body, (for the Devil had lull'd 'em asleep) then he got to a River; then he swam a little way; then he swam back again; then he swam quite over the River; then he got upon dry Land; then he ran; then he walk'd; then he ran again; sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right hand; and then—and what then? stop a little—you shall hear that in the next Chapter.

CHAP. 8. How the Hermite met with a Lion that swallow'd him whole, and what befel him then.

NOW as the Hermite was wandring over Hill and Dale, us Hermites and Slaves escap'd use to do, winding and turning, and running and doubling like Puss before the Hounds, while he sought to avoid devouring and cruel Man, he met with a cruel devouring Beast. 'Twas confounded ill fortune; and yet no such confounded ill fortune neither, considering what happen'd. For the Hermite was now within twice Musket-shot of Marmora, the Place of Refuge, which he sought (for so far he had either smelt the way, or else some Angel led him in a Halter, being a stranger) when lo a mighty hugeous great roaring bully-Rock Lion came out of a Wood, & immediately leaping upon his shoulders, swallowed him whole; for his head went in first, his shoul­ders next, and the rest of his body after, so there was no harm done; for the Bacon had made his body so slippery, that the Lion felt no obstructions in his throat. But hold, Mr. Lion, you are not to march off thus with our Hermite. For the Hermite finding himself in a filthy dark stinking hole, but very warm, fell a scrabling among the Lions small Guts, that the poor tormented Beast finding himself so suddenly assail'd with a most tormenting pain, stood still, thinking to ease himself right against one of the Bulwarks of Marmora. The Souldiers seeing the Lion, presently let sly one of the great Guns from the Fort so exactly at him, that the Bullet shav'd off his head, as if it had been done with a Razor. All this while no harm to the Hermite, only a little close Imprisonment. The Souldiers seeing the Lion fall, came first for his Skin; so that when they came to to rip open the Lion's Belly, up started the Hermite, and besought the Souldiers to take pity of a Christian newly escap'd out of the hands of the Moores. A Christian, quo the Souldiers, never was there such a shitten, stinking Christian seen, quo they. However, as thou art a Christian, we are bound to pity thee. Christians and Money are scarce in this Country; bett [...] have 'em in a shitten clout, than not at all. With that the Souldiers convey'd the Hermite in a Wheel-barrow to Marmora, where after they had well wash'd and cleans'd him, they carry'd him to the Gover­nour, to whom the Hermite related the lamentable Story of his Mis-fortunes, who pre­sently thereupon caus'd four and twenty Sheep to be presently kill'd, and the Cauls of them to be plaister'd all over his body. For you must understand, that though the holes of the Larding Needle remain'd, yet the Lard if self was all melted away in the Lion's belly. And indeed he may thank his kind Stars for the accident of the Lion; for nothing could have prov'd so soveraign to him, as the natural warmth of the Lion after an unnatural Roasting; as Caesar Borgia wrapt himself in the bellies of new kill'd Sheep after he had drank the fatal Poison prepar'd for his kind friend. Only the Lard indeed left a scurvey, salt, scorbutick humour behind, which will never be re­mov'd by all the Pharmacopoea's in Christendom. And thus the Hermite made a cle­ver, ingenious and miraculous Escape.

CHAP. 9. How the Jew had his Head fix'd upon his shoulders, and was restor'd to life again.

VVHen it came to be known that the Hermite had cut off the Jew's Head, and and was escap'd, there was a great Hubbub in the City; for that the Jew was a Person of note, and greatly belov'd. When they came to his House, they found Lucas Hamet (for so was the Jew's name) walking about the Room, and looking for [Page 18]his Head. By the Belly of Mahomet, cry'd one, there's hope as long as there's life. Thereupon they sent away Post immediately for the Grandchild's Grandchild's Son's Son's Grandchild of Avenroes, one of the most famous Artists in all Africa; who pre­sently came, and finding the Head warm, caus'd a Moresca Damsel to clap it to her warmer Belly, while he wash'd the Jews Neck with a sine Spunge dipt in Syracuse Wine; then he took the Head and wash'd the wounded part of that, and sinapiz'd the opposite part with a Powder of Pilgrim's Salve, ointing them after with Oil of St. John's wort. Which done he plac'd the Head upon the Neck, vein against vein, nerve against nerve, joynt against joynt, bone against bone, and then set three or four Stitches in the Skin to keep it fast, and lastly, anointed the seam round with another Ointment, of which he would never tell the name.

Presently the Jew began to breath, then to open his Eyes, then to colour, then to sneeze, and lastly, to break wind backward, which he did so sonorously, that all men judg'd it a Thorough Cure. However, they thought it not amiss to give him as a Cordial a Rummer of Syracuse Wine with Nutmeg and Sugar, to fortifie his Spirits. And thus was Lucas Hamet miraculously brought to Life again. After he had drank, he called for his Bard to pursue the Hermite. But they told him, the shogging of the Horse would endanger the wrying of his Neck, if not the shaking it quite off again. Well then, quo he, since it must be so, Farewel the Devil and six thousand pieces of Eight.

You'l say, this Story seems somewhat improbable. Oh Sir! so do the Fables of the Poets, and the Apologues of Esope seem to be improbable Stories, but the Sense and Morals of them are true. However, you may assure your self this Story is as true, and as much to be believ'd as the vain Comment, and idle and malicious Reflexions which the Hermite makes upon the Salamanca Doctor.

'Tis true, the ground of this Story, which has so much oblig'd the World, and the occasion of all the Noise which the Hermite has made, is only because he would not be accompted either a Mahometan, or a Jesuite, or Circumcised. Why—'tis Cock-Pit Lay, that he is neither the one nor the other. But yet there are thousands in the Nation will sooner believe all Three of Him, and upon juster grounds, than they will unbelieve the Truth of the Popish Plot, or the Verity of the Salamanca Doctor's Dis­covery and Evidence. For that the belief of the former is not of equal weight with the belief of the latter. For it is of publick concernment to the whole Nation, whe­ther there were, or be still a Popish Plot or no; but it is not a Straw matter to the whole Nation, whether the Hermite be This or That. For my part I believe he is neither, however in friendly manner it may be thought he has more embroil'd his own Credit, than the Salamanca Doctor's Reputation, which they only strive to blast▪ who too unwarily cute not what becomes of Prince of Country.


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