LADY ALIMONY; OR, The Alimony Lady.
An Excellent Pleasant New COMEDY Duly Authorized, daily Acted, and frequently Followed.
LONDON, Printed for Tho. Vere and William Gilbertson, and are to be sold at the Angel without New-gate, and at the Bible in Gilt-spur-street, 1659.
- Eugenio the Duke.
- Cashiered Consorts.
- Sir Amadin Puny
- Sir Jasper Simpleton
- Sir Arthur Heartless
- Sir Gregory Shapeless
- Sir Tristram Shorttool
- Sir Reuben Scattergood
- Alimony Ladies
- Madam Fricase
- Madam Caveare
- Madam Julippe
- Madam Joculette
- Madam Medler
- Madam Tinder
- The Ladies Platonick Confidents.
- Florello
- Caranto
- Palisado
- Salibrand
- Morisco
- Tillyvally
- Gallerius Ghost.
- Timon the Composer.
- Trillo the Censor.
- Siparius the Book-holder.
- Chorist.
- Constable Watch.
- Countrey Boors.
- Tra-panners.
- Pages with other Officiats.
Scene Sivil
[Page]Lady Alimony.
Actus primus.
Scaena prima.
HEy Boyes! —Never did my Spirit chirp more chearfully since I had one. Here is work for Platonicks. Never did Ladies, brave buxom Girles dispence at easier rates with their forfeited Honours. This were an excellent age for that Roman Carvilius to live in: who never lov'd any sheets worser then those his Wife lay in. Nor his Wife any lodging worse, then where her decrepit Consort slept in. Divorces are now as common, as scolding at Billingsgate. O Alimony, Alimony a Darling incomparably dearer, then a seere-icy Bed possest of the spirit of a dull unactive Husband! A fresh flowry Spring, and a chill frosty Winter never suit well together. He were a rare Justice in these times of Separation, who had the Ceremonial art to joyn Hearts together as well as Hands: but that Chymical Cement is above the Alchymy of his Office: or verge of his ministerial Charge. —Hey day! who comes here? The very profest Smock-satyr, or Woman-hater in all Europe. One, who had he lived in that State or under that Zone, might have compared with any Swetnam in all the Albyon Island.
Scen. 2.
But sure he has some high design in hand, he pores so fixtly upon the ground, as on my life he has some swinging stuff for our fresh Dabrides, who have invested themselves in the Platonick Order: and retain courage enough to make an exchange of their old Consorts with their new Confidents and amorous pretenders. —Let us hear him, he mumbles so strangely, he must surely either disburthen self, or stifle his teeming Birth for want of timely delivery.
Good, as I live wondrous good: this is the way to catch the old one. Be all things ready Siparius?
How do you mean Sir?
What a drolling bufflehead is this. —He has been Book-holder to my Revels for decads of years, and the Cuckoldry Drone, as if he had slept in Triphonius cave, all his dayes, desires to know my meaning in the Track of his own Calling! —Sir, shall I question you in your own Dialect? Be your Stage-curtains artificially drawn, and so covertly shrouded, as the squint-ey'd Groundling may not peep in to your discovery?
Leave that care to me Sir; it is my charge.
But were our Bills poasted, that our House may be with a numerous Auditory stored; our Boxes by Ladies of quality and of the new dress croudingly furnished; our Galleries and Ground-front answerably to their Pay compleated?
Assure you self Sir, nothing is a wanting; that may give way to the Poets improvement.
Thou sayst well; this is indeed the Poets third day: and must raise his Pericranium deeply steep'd in Frontineack, a fair revenue for his rich Timonick Fancy; or he must take a long adue of the spirit of Sack and that noble Napry till the next Vintage. —But Siparius.
Your will Sir.
Be sure, that you hold not your Book at too much distance: the Actors, poor Lapwings, are but pen-feathred: and once out, out for ever. We had a time, indeed, [Page] and it was a golden time for a pregnant Fancy; when the Actor could imbellish his Author, and return a Pean to his Pen in every accent. But our great disaster at Cannae, then which none ever more tragical to our Theatre, made a speedy dispatch of our rarest Roscio's, closing them joyntly in one Funeral Epilogue. —Now for you Boy, as you play the Chorus, so be mindful of your Hint. I know you to be a Wag by nature; and you must play the Waggish Actor.
I shall not sleep in my action Sir; if your line have so much life as to provoke a laughter; I shall not strangle the height of your Conceit with a dull gesture: nor weaken the weight of your Plot with too flat or unbecoming a deportment.
Thou promisest fairly; go on.
And so does Timon too, or his judgement fails him. —Well, I will accoast him. —Health to our stock of Stoical wit, ingenious Timon. —Come Sir, what brave Dramatick Piece has your running Mercury now upon the Loom? The Title of your new Play, Sir?
Every Poast may sufficiently inform you: nay the Fame of the City cannot chuse but eccho it to you: so much is expected: neither shall you discover a Mouse peeping out of a Mountain, believe it.
No; nor a Monkey dancing his Trick-a-tee on a Rope, for want of strong Lines from the Poets pen.
You are ith' right on't, Trillo; These Pigmies of mine shall not play the egregious Puppies in deluding an ignorant Rabble with the sad presentment of a Nulla sides spectanda feris, nec gratia victis. Corpora distendunt verubus assanda nefandis. roasted Savage.
Your Conceit is above the scale of admiration. —But the Subject of your Invention, Sir, where may you lay your Scene: and what Name you bestow upon this long expected Comedy?
My Scene, Trillo, is Tempora sunt Cuculi gratissima labilis anni; Cornua sunt sponsis iristia, laeta Procis. Auson. Horn-Alley: the Name it bears, is LADY ALIMONY. The Subject I shall not preoccupate: Let the Pancies of my thirsty Auditory fall a working; if ever their small expence confined to three [Page] hours space were better recompensed; I will henceforth disclaim my Society with an happy Genius: and bestow the remainder of my time in catching Flyes with Domitian.
Excellent, Excellent. I am confident your acrimonious spirit will dis-curtain our Changeable-taffaty Ladies to an hair.
Thou know'st my humour; and let me perish, if I do not pursue it. Thou hast heard no doubt, how I never found any branch more pleasingly fruitful, nor to my view more grateful, then when I found a Woman hanging on it: wishing heartily that all Trees in mine Orchard bore such fruit.
If your wish had prov'd true, no doubt but your Orchard would have rendred you store of Medlers. —But your hour, Sir, your hour.
You know, Trillo, our Theatral time to a minute. One thing I must tell you; and you will attest it upon our Presentment: That never was any Stage, since the first erection of our ancient Roman Amphitheaters, with suitable Properties more accurately furnished: with choiser Musick more gracefully accommodated: nor by Boyes, though young, with more virile spirits presented.
I'm already nouz'd in your Poetical Springe: and shall henceforth wish for your sake, that all Crop-ear'd Histriomastixes, who cannot endure a civil witty Comedy, but by his rackt exposition renders it down-right Drollery, may be doom'd to Ancyrus, and skip there amongst Satyrs, for his rough and severe censure.
Parnassus is a debtor to thee Trillo for thy clear and serene opinon of the Muses and their individual Darling: of which Meniey, to imprint our Addresses all the better in your memory, our Stage presents ever the most lively and lovely fancy:
Yet I have heard Timon, that you were sometimes Stoical, and could not endure the noise of an Enterlude, [Page] but snuff at it as the Satyr did at the first sight of fire.
All this is most authentically true: But shall I unbosom my self ingeniously to thee, my dear Trillo? As his hate to Woman made Eupolis eat Nettle pottage; so became I fired in my spirit: my experience of a Shrow drove me to turn the shrewd Comedian: and yet all our Boxes are stor'd with compleat Doxes: nay some, whose carriage gives life to this days action.
May the Poets day prove fair and fortunate: full Audience and honest Door-keepers. I shall perchance rank my self amongst your Gallery-men.
We shall hold our Labours incomparably heightned by the breath of such approved Judgements.
Sir, here is a proud peremptory pragmatical Fellow newly come into our Tyring-room, who disturbs our preparation; vowing like a desperate Haxter, that he has express Command to seize upon all our Properties.
The Devil he has; what furious Mercury might this be?
Nay, Sir, I know not what he may be, but sure if he be what he seems to be, he can be no less then one of our City Hectors, but I hope your spirit will conjure him, and make him a Clinias. —He speaks nothing less then braving Buff-leather Language: and has made all our Boyes so feverish, as if a Quotidian Ague had seiz'd on them.
Sure it is one of our Trapanning Decoyes, sent forth for a Champion to defend those Ladies engaged honour, whom our Stage is this day to present: This shall not serve their turn. —Call him in; we will collar him.
Hah-hah-hah! This will prove rare sport, to see how the Poets Genius will grapple with this Bandog.
Scen. 3.
Sir!
Surly Sir, your design!
To ruine your Design, illicentiate Play-wright. [Page] Down with your Bills Sir.
Your Bill cannot do it Sir.
But my Commission shall Sir. —Can you read Sir?
Yes Sir, and write too, else were I not fit for this imployment.
With what a scurvy skrude look the Myrmidon eyes him? —He will surely bastinado our Comedian out of his Laureat Periwig: —Hold him tugg Poet, or thou runs by Poetical Pinnace on a desperate shelf.
What bugbear has your terrible Bladeship brought us here? A Mandat from one of our own society, to blanch the credit of our Comedy! You'r in a wrong Box, Sir, this will not do't.
You dare not disobey it.
Dare not! A word of high affront to a profest Parnassian: I dare exchange in pen with you and your penurious Poetasters Pike: and if your valour or his swell to that height or heat as it will admit no other cooler but a down-right scuffle, let wit perish and fall a wool-gathering, if with a chearful brow I leave not the precious Rills of Hippocrene, and wing my course for Campus Martius.
Slid this Mus [...]us is a Martiallist; and if I had not held him a feverish white-liver'd staniel, that would never have encountred any but the seven sisters; that Knight of the Sun, who imploy'd me, should have done his errand himself: well, I would I were out of his clutches: The onely way then is to put on a clear face, lest I bring a storm upon my self. —Vertuous Sir, what answer will your ingenuity be pleased to return by your most humble and obsequious vassal?
Ho Sir; are you there with you Bears! How this Gargantua's spirit begins to thaw? —Sirra, you Punto of valour—
I have indeed, puissant Sir, been in my time, rallied amongst those Blades: but it has been my scorn of late to ingage my Tuck upon unjust grounds.
Tucca, thy valour is infinitely beholden to thy discretion. —But pray thee resolve me, art thou made known to the purport of thine errand?
In part I am.
And partly I will tell thee, this squirt squibbe, wherewith that pragmatical Monopolist Nasutius Neapolitanus has here imploy'd thee to obstruct our Action, shall be receiv'd and return'd with as much scorn, as it was sent us with spiteful impudence: —Let him come, if he like; he may trouble himself and his own impoverish'd patience: but we shall sleight him on our Stage, and tax him of frontless insolence.
You shall do well Sir.
Well or ill, Sir, we will do it. —Pray tell me brave Spark, what Archias may this be, who takes thus upon him to excize the Revenues of our Theatral Pleasure to his purse? Be his monopolizing brains of such extent, as they have power to ingross all Inventions to his Coffer: all our Stage-action to his Exchequer?
I would be loath to praise him too much, because your transcendent self prize him so little —but his Travels have highly improv'd his expression.
We know it Don, and he knows it too, to his advantage. —But no man knows the issue of his Travel better then Timon. It is true, he addrest his course for Malagasco: but for what end? to learn hard words; school himself in the Vtopian tongue: and to close up all, he stickt not, Xerxes-like, to deface Bridges, in the ruines whereof poor Gentleman, he irreparably suffered.
To my knowledge, he speaks no more then authentick truth: For I my self in my own proper person got a snap by a Neapolitan Ferret at the very same time. Ever since which hot Aetnean service; my legs have been taught to pace Iambicks: and jadishly to enterfear upon any condition.
Thus much for your dispatch; onely this: —Be it your civility, valiant Don, to present my service to his Na [...]ed Savages; Monkeys, Babouns and Marmosites: [Page] advising withall your Master of the Bear-yard; that he henceforth content his hydroptick thoughts with his own Box-holders; and self he lose by his out-landish Properties, be it his care to pick out some Doxes of his own, lest those She-sharks whom he has imploy'd upon that trading occasion, abuse his confidence.
Your Commands, Sir, shall be observ'd with all punctuality.
Do so brave Don, lest I call you to account, and return your wages with a Bastinado. —But withall tell that Cockspur your magnificent Mecaenas, that he keep at home, and distemper not our Stage with the fury of his visits: lest he be incountred by my little Tarriers, which will affright him more then all his Spanish Gipsies.
Account me, invincible Sir, your most serviceable slave upon all interests. —Well, I have secur'd my crazie Bulk as well from a basting as ever mortal did. And if ever I be put on such desperate adventures again, let this weak raddish body of mine become stuck round with cloves, and be hung up for a gammon of Westphalia bacon to all uses and purposes.
So! you have conjur'd down the spirit of one furious Haxter.
Scen. 4.
And just so must all our Tavern Tarmagons be us'd; or they'l Trapan you, as they did that old scarifide Fryer; whose bitter experiences furnish'd with ability enough to discover their carriage and his feverish distemper.
Sir, all our Boxes are already stored and seated with the choicest and eminentst Damasella's that all Sivil can afford: Besides Sir, all our Galleries and Groundstands are long ago furnished: The Groundlings within the yard grow infinitely unruly.
Go to Boy; this Plebeian incivility must not precipitate the course of our Action. —How oft have they sounded?
They'r upon the last sound; but our expectance [Page] of that great Count, whose desires are winged for us, foreslow our entry.
These Comick Presentments may properly resemble our Comet Apparitions; where their first darting beget impressions of an affectionate wonder, or prophetick astonishment. The world I must confess, is a Ball racketed above the line and below into every hazard: but whimseys and careers challenge such influence over the Judgement of our gallant refined Wits; as their Fancies must be humoured, and their humours tickled, or they leave our rooms discontented. So as, the Comedians Garden must finde Lettice for all lips: or the disrelish'd Poet must be untruss'd, and paid home with a swinging censure.— This must be my fate, for I can expect no less from these Satyrical Madams; whose ticklish resentment of their injured honour will make them kick before they be gall'd: but Timon is arm'd Cap a Pe against all such feminine Assailants. They shall finde my Sceans more modest, then some of their actions have merited. —And I must tell thee one thing by the way my ingenious Trillo, that I never found more freedom in my spritely Genius, then in the very last night,Extrem [...] necte nullam Scaenis jaeliciorem re [...]eri. Afran. when I set my period to this living Fancy. —But time and conveniences of the Stage enjoyn me to leave thee. —Make choice of thy place, and expect the sequele.
PROLOGUE.
Act. 2.
Scen. 1.
ROom, room for the Ladies of the New dress.
Thou stiles them rightly Tim; for they have plaid the snakes, and put off their old slough: New Broom sweeps clean: Frosty age and youth suit not well together. These Bonaroba's must sate their appetites with fresh Cates, or their sharp attractive stomacks will be quickly cloy'd.
True Nick; hadst thou known their nightly quartring as well as I have done, thou wouldst hold them rare Coyducks for retreving new game: and storing their Lobbies upon all adventures.
Why, Tim, art thou one of that Covy?
Let it suffice thee, Wag, I know all their Fagaries to an hair. I have not plaid such a Truant in my place; as to become their Pe De during all the time of their restraint: and not to attain the Principles of a Puny-Bolt: a faithful secret Pimp deserves his constant pay.
But in good sadness resolve me, were these dainty Dabrides ever in restraint?
As close coupt up, believe it, as any Parachito's ever were: onely they assum'd to their pretended aggrievances to exclaim against their hard fortunes, in being matcht with such impotent and defective Husbands. And now they have by long flickring and strong favourites got out oth' Cage: and wrought themselves into Alimony.
Uds so, will their dainty fingers tug in Alume work?
What an ignorant Puppy thou art? This is no Alume work, but such a calcinated Mettal, as it will run like Quicksilver over all their Husbands Demains: and in very short time make a quick dispatch of all his Long acre.
Trust me Tim, these be mad-mettal'd Girles: brave Braches to breed on.
What a wanton Monkey is this? —Hee's but newly bred, and he can talk of Wenches breeding! —well, thou wilt grow a Cock of th' game, if thy pen-feathred youth mount to't: —But silence, Wag, the She-Myrmidons are entering the stage: and I am prickt out for the Chorus.
Scen. 2.
What humerous Tomboys be these?
The onely gallant Messalinas of our age. That Love-spotted Ermin, is Madam FRICASE, a woman of a rampant spirit; a confident pretender to Language: and for the Latine, she makes her self as familiar with the [Page] breach of Priscians head, as if it were her Husbands.
Who is she that looks like a mouted Scaledrake?
That spit-fire is Madam CAVEARE, one whose assiduate trading brought age upon her before her time. But Art has taught her to supply furrowed Deformities with Ceruss Boxes: and to repair a decay'd Complexion with an Italian fucus. This with other fomentations have so enlivened her, as they render her no less active then if she at last Grass had but casten her Colts tooth. The next in rank is that mincing Madam JULIPPE, who would not bear a Childe for a world (though her endeavours be pregnant enough) for fear she should dis-feature the comeliness of her body.
Yet shee's a Medler.
A mellow one, and as ready to fall in Autumn upon all occasions.
What may that gaudy gugay Lady be, that throws such scornful looks upon our Galleries?
That's a brave Martial Millanoise: Semiramis never had a more imperious spirit: she styles her self Madam JOCOLETTE; a jocund Girle on my word: and one that will not ingage her honour, nor barter in a light Commodity for nothing. She was a Tyrewoman at first in the Suburbs of Millan: but falling into an ebb of fortune, and hearing the quaint and various fancies of our Countrey Damasella's; she took upon her this adventure to improve her annual pension. Which she has by the dexterity of her wit and incomparable curiosity of art highly enlarg'd, and by this unexpected means: for it hapned, to give an addition to her future happiness, that one Sir GREGORY SHAPELESS, a Mundungo's Monopolist, a paltry-penurious-pecking pinchgut, who had smook'd himself into a Mercenary title of Knightship, set his affection upon her soon after her arrival here; whom thou may imagine, Nick; to be no sooner woo'd then won. But scarcely were their marriage sheets warm; till her dissembled fancy, having no other bait but Lucre to feed it, [Page] grew cold. And the Mundungo Knight became pittifully Crest-faln: more in love with the World then his Italian Doxy. A divorce she sues and so happily pursues: as by the sollicitancy of her private Ingles, she became whole sharer in his trucking fortunes. Since which time, she pastures freely upon the Common without fear of Inclosure.
Why should she not? A barren ranging Doe having once leapt over her own Pale, may incroach, though not with security, upon any others Liberty.
That next her in rank and as right as my leg in her career, is Madam MEDLER, a cunning Civil Trader: who with much simpring secrecy, as one that would seem sparing in discovery of her Husbands Debility; calls her Sir TRISTRAM SHORTTOOL a good well-meaning man, and one that might content any woman under the Aequinoctial Line, if Nature had measur'd him right. Whereas his sufficiency has been elsewhere tried: which his many Branches sprung from other stocks, may sufficiently witness; being Ciens of his own inoculating, and at his own proper charge for breeding. As for that Lady with the inflam'd face, Madam TINDER; her desires are so strong and inlarg'd; as that Torrid Zone where she sometimes planted, could not accommodate her supplies. —And let this serve thee, Nick, for a short Character of these Alimonial Ladies.
Those Platonick Servants of theirs are upon a strong debate with their amorous Mistresses.
But note my precious Wagge, how infinitely they seem tickeld with the Accounts which those Ladies return them of their Court-proceedings.
3. Scean.
You over-glad me Madam Fricace with your select discourse, closing so fairly with our expected wishes.
In Ioculette, active Salibrand.
Trust me, they couple handsomly, as if they had been married after th' New fashion.
These need no dispensation: Fancy can act it without more adoe.
A mad match soon shuffled up.
But what shuffling would there be, if any of these wanton Gossips should cry out before their time?
That cry, my dainty Wag, would be soon stifled. There be many wayes, as I have heard my old Granham [Page] say, who had been in her youth a Paracelsian Doctors Lemman, to impregnate a Birth, and by secret applications, apozems and cordials, not onely to facilitate but expedite their production.
And what of all this?
Why then Tim, the onely safe way for these gamesom Maquerella's is, to antidate their Conception before their separation: This has been an approved Receipt; and upon a long consult, found so and return'd authentick: Joy or Grief produce wondrous effects in humerous Ladies.
Thou art a cunning sifting Ningle for all rogueries.
4. Scean.
What! so soon return'd; upon my life there's some amorous design on foot either in displaying of the weakness of those Ram [...]-heads whom they have deserted: or some Pasquil of light mirth, to ingratiate their late entertained Servants.
Come, who begins?
For Loves sake how?
Content; wee'l do't.
But do't exactly, or you spoil the plot.
Advance, advance, let's mount and play the Consuls.
How will these dainty Dotrels act their parts?
Rarely no doubt; their Audience makes them confident.
Scean. 5.
Now fair Ladies, what wind has blown you hither?
Pray thee give them line.
Express it Madam.
Alas poor Lady.
Hold there, Madam; under favour, these brave Senators you appeal to, are more for Execution then Iudgement.
A match unsufferable.
Opposing Nature.
Nor meriting an heavier censure.
A gallant Consul, trust me; he has got by heart the Ballad of the Destruction of Troy to a syllable.
Receipts of their own application, I warrant thee.
A most unfitting Husband.
So, poor scatter-brain, he has got his judgement already.
Madam proceed, Fame made it eminent.
Style it Madam.
Matchless Coward.
Very like; But how many when he was not there?
Unbare your wound.
Nay, let that be the least of your fears; —shee'l do that to an hair.
For shame sake, no further my dainty Doctors.
The issue, Madam!
These Dabrides rais'd you.
Now Madam Tinder your aggrieves are last.
Her Plea is good.
Such Bullocks, Madam, well deserve a baiting.
And beating too.
Injurious Ribald.
Hateful Libertine.
I am directly, Sir, of your opinion.
Ha, ha, ha. This was a bold-fac'd Nigler, trust me Wag.
No; reverend Favourite, you will finde this Madam Spitfire of a keener mettal then so. She's right tinder: no sooner touch then take.
Very likely; for they mean to be made whole [Page] Sharers both in their Persons and Personal Estates: —This is brave judicial Brocage.
Do so Florello, we shall second it.
We submit to it.
And so ye may well, if your Husbands will yield to't.
These be nimble shavers Nick as well as sharers: they know how to cut large thongs out of other folks leather.
That was not in our verge to regulate.
I for my Salibrand.
Morisco mine.
Tinder shall Tilly's be.
I shall try you.
Thus walks the poor Gentlemens Revenues to raise these Doxes Alimony: and thus runs their Alimony to feed these youngsters riot.
How Turtle-like they couple!
Act. 2 Scen. 6.
Is this th'Platonick Law; all things in common?
Must all forego their wives that are not wise?
Or be divorc't because we dare not fight?
Or lose our Mates because we are not handsom?
Those be your Husbands, Ladies; —how pittifully they look?
Alas, poor Cuckolds.
Ladies, we were sometimes your Husbands.
What have I done?
So, his score's paid.
Madam, look on Sir Iasper.
So, good Sir Iasper, you've your Doom in Folio.
Receive me dear Iulippe.
What would Sir Gregory?
That you would love me.
Something Madam.
So good night Sir Tristram.
Sweet Madam Tinder.
Yes, there goes the hair away.
Can you not love?
Not One that loves so many.
'Las pretty Peat,
So, Sir Reuben's dispatcht; and like a Ranger may tappice where he likes.
Shall I acquaint them with your Adage, Sir?
Do if you please.
Pray good Sir, as how?
So, we have all receiv'd their final Answers.
Farewell inconstant Ladies.
Adue constant Actaeons.
Act. 3.
Scen. 1.
IS it for certain that the Dukes voyage holds for Salamanca?
No doubt on't: his resolution is so firmly fixt, no motion can decline it. And if we may credit Fame, which seldom errs in all, though it exceed in many; never was Fleet more bravely rig'd, better prepar'd, nor with more Military strength furnish'd, nor more virile spirits accompanied, nor by more expert Commanders at any time since the Battel of Lepanto conducted.
It was thought he would not personally have ingaged himself in this adventure: but have deputed some experienc'd General for perfecting this grand design: and imposing a final period to an Action of such high consequence.
'Tis true; but those many aggrievances, aggravated with numerous Petitions presented by our Sivil Merchants, wrought such strong effects upon the sweet compassionate nature of the good Duke; as that endeared resentment, which he retain'd upon those Merchants relation, touching the infinitely surcharging losses which they had suffered though the hostile Pyracy of the Salamancans, as he made a solemn Vow to ingage himself in their quarrel: and either revenge the injuries and indignities they had sustained, or seal his just desires with the sacrifice of his dearest life.
Were the Merchant losses great?
In Shipping infinite: and by Accomptants of approved trust, computed to many millions: for besides Vessels of lesser burthen in one Sea-voyage being driven by contrary winds upon the Coasts of Calabria, they lost at one time [...]the Panther, Libard, Bugle, Antilope, Caracts of great and formidable sail: such as would have [Page] made their party good against all Assailants, had they not been dispers'd and weakned by violent tempests: Besides, the unexpected Herocane, which dash'd all the endeavours of the best Pilots that all their Fleet afforded: yet reduced to this strait and sad exigent, they found no Islander so compassionate as to pitty their deplorable Condition: but rather such as were ready to adde fresh affliction to their late suffering, by seizing on whatsoever remained estimable in their forelorn Vessels: and exposing them without the least remonstrance of humanity or civil hospitality to the mercy of the winds. This it was which winged the Duke to this Expedition: chusing, as report goes, the Revenge for his Ship of War, and that onely man of War, wherein he means to steer his course, return his errand and requite his Quarrel.
The Duke's a Person of a gallant spirit.
I dare affirm it Sir; that the State of Sivil was never with more prowess, prudence, nor Martial Policy at any time mannaged; which not onely his prosperous exploits abroad, then which none more successive: but likewise his vigilant care and, command at home may sufficiently manifest. For his late Declaration under his Great Seal has discovered the incomparable zeal he had of serving both Court and City: in commanding all such useless and incommodious Weeds, as Trapanners Tarpaulins, with all our abusively intitled Hectors, that they should by a peremptory day depart the City and Line of Communication in relation to the Court: since which time, they have resolved for want of better supplies to hazard the remainder of their broken Fortunes upon a desperate adventure for Tunis.
In such glorious designs levelling at honour, they declare themselves really Hectors.
What news Segesto?
The Duke's upon his march: and near approaching.
How quick's his Spirit to redress our wrongs!
Act. 3. Scen. 2.
This gallant resolve of the Duke pursu'd with such alacrity can never be sufficiently admir'd; and to ingage his Person too in so perillous adventure—
And all this in vindication of the Merchants honour and their Interest.
Trust me, he appears bravely.
His disposition from his youth foretold What's manhood would assay —whence comes this noise?
Room for our Bravo's, Cadets; they march along in ranks and fyles. Their pockets grow shallow, the Taverns and Ordinaries, they vow to be Infidels, so as they have inlisted themselves Souldiers of fortune.
These be those Trapanners, whom the Duke has proscribed, or I mistake it.
Let us observe their posture.
Act. 3. Scen. 3.
Rouze Buckets and Tubbs. —Hey for Tunis and Argiers.
Keep your ranks my Comrades, and fight valiantly.
What else Captain, we cheated before for nothing, and now having nothing we mean to fight for something.
'Slid Bullies, I think the Duke has done us a pleasure.
Pray thee, how Boy?
Ile tell thee, the short and long on't: Before, if any of us had been so valiant, as few of us were, as to borrow money on the High way, we were sometimes forc'd to repay it at the Gibbet: but the world is turn'd upside down; if we get it, we may keep it, and never answer for it.
Hey Boy, art thou in that Lock? — But noble Landprisado, let us have a Sea-Sonnet before we lanch forth in our Adventure▪ Frigot. They say the Syrens love singing.
Agreed Wags: but which shall we have?
That old Catch of Tunis and Argiers; good Captain, it suits best with our voyage.
To't then my Hectors ▪ and keep your Close as you do your march. The Syrens will not relish you if you sing out a tune.
Act. 3. Scen. 4.
I proclaim you all Edomites; Dragooners of Dagon; Ding-dongs of Dathan: —A generation of Vipers.—
No, Father Benhadad, your gravity is mistaken grosly, we are rather A generation of
Pipers.
Go to Holy Benhadad, stand you to your Calling as we to our Arms. Thou art for converting the Great Turk, and we for lining our Pockets with Tunis gold. Where if we get our design, hold to thy Principles, but no farther then thou canst maintain them; and we shall create thee our Houshold Chaplain.
To Sea, to Sea; the Winds are prosperous.
And may we prosper with them. — So farewell Sivil and her dainty Doxes.
Ran tan; hey for Tunis and Argiers.
Act 3. Scen. 4.
Come along with your horns, my Lads of metal. It was the Dukes pleasure before his departure, that we should be appointed the Sinks and Sentinels of the City, and that none should have ingress, egress or regress but by our especial authority and favour. — But harm watch, harm catch; for my part since I crept into this office, I am woven into such a knot of good fellowship, as I can watch no more then a Dormouse: nay, I am verily perswaded if I hold Constable long, the Deputy [Page] of the Ward will return me one of the seven Sleepers. But let me advise you, my Birds of the Capital, that you walk not after my Example: be it your care to watch while I sleep. Many eyes are upon you; but my eyes grow heavy; my dayes society bids me take a nap.
But one word, good Master, before you drop into your slumber: Report goes that there be Spirits that petroul familiarly in this Century; what shall we say to them, if they pass by?
Bid them stand.
But what if they either cannot or will not?
Let them then take themselves to their heels: and thank God you are so well rid of them.
One word more good Constable, and then good night.—Be these the Spirits that allure our Children with spice and trinckets to their Skippers, and so convey them to th' Barmoudes?
In no wise Neighbours; these Spirits come from the Low Countreys: and though at the first sight very frightful, yet appearing unaim'd they become less fearful.
Nay, if these pretty Familiars come to our Guard naked, we shall prove hard enough for them.
Well, Neighbour Rugweed, let us not presume too far on our strength: These Spirits be a dangerous kinde of Whifflers: and like our Robin Good Fellows will play their Legerdemain tricks, scudding here and there in a trice: and nimbly snap you when least suspected.
Act. 3. Scen. 5.
Omnia temporibus cecinit Cassandra futuris.
Que ventura suts — vix unquam credita Teucris. Melitus.
All out of joynt: they've left their Husbands bed.
Inscription.
The ASTRONOMICAL ANATOMY in a shadowed Physnomy; recommended to Posterity. Dissected and presented in the Empyrical Ghost of D. NICHOLAS GALLERIUS.
Spirits, Spirits, Spirits.
Where, where, where?
Here, there, and every where.
A foutra for such ranging Mawkins. —I'le tell you fellow Officers, for I have been since my weining sufficiently school'd in the Office of a Constable; that we have no Legislative power (do you mark me) to commit any Person be he never so notorious a Delinquent, if he fly, or as our Falconers say, mount up into th' Ayr; we are not bound to follow him, neither to attach nor commit him; and why sayes the Law? because it is not in our power to catch him. But if he strut in the street, you may command him to come before me the Constable, as I am the Representave Body of the Duke; or before your selves, being the Representave Body of your Constable: and if the Person so taken remain under safe Custody, and he fly, if you overtake him by speed of foot, or by help of the Belmans Mungrel, you may by the Law of Arms lay him by th' Heels.
Act. 3. Scen. 6.
Doubt nothing, my fellow-Knights of Hornsey; the Plot is so neatly and nimbly laid, as it cannot but hold stitch.
But be the Favourites Suits got, Sir Reuben?
They are brought to our Lodgings already. [Page] To try a Conclusion, I have most fortunately made their Pages our Coyes by the influence of a white Powder; which has wrought so powerfully on their tender pulse, as they have engaged themselves ours back and edge. — Sunt munera vinc [...]n s [...]vis.
'Tis true; but how shall we pursue this Project; that we may act to purpose, what your Ingenuity has contriv'd?
Leave that to me; be it your care to follow my direction, and if I make not these Haxters as hateful to our Hossies, as ever they were to us who were their Husbands; set me up for a Jack-a-Lent, or a Shrove-Cock for every Boy to throw at. The Net is spread, and if they scape the nouze, they must have more eyes then their own to discover it.
Excellent, excellent; I long till I be at work.
It will admit no delay, Sir Amadin, I assure you. We have not over-watcht this night to no purpose: this very morning by times we must be fitted with our Properties: and with a scornful neglect pass by that Rendezvouz, where our gamesome Ladies expect their youthful Platonicks.
Revenge to me's far sweeter then to live.
Too't, too't, for loves sake let us too't.
Act. 4.
Scen. 1.
That Poet surely was neither Mantuan, Lucian, nor Claudian.
No Sister; nor Alcaeus, Eubaeus, nor Apuleius; but some cold-Cucumber spirited Zonocrates, who never knew actually how to hug his Mistress.
This is the hour and place.
It is so; and no doubt but our feather'd Favorites have over flown us.
Act. 4. Scen. 2.
What do you lack my Princely Beauties?
What your Sex cannot furnish us with; my dainty Dabrides.
Did you entertain no Gallants lately?
Not any, Madam; but Gallants are men of their words; they will stand to their tackling upon occasion: will you be pleas'd Noble Ladies in their absence, [Page] to bestow your selves in a room: or to procreate your selves, take a turn in the Garden?
Slid does she hold us for Andalisian Studs, that can breed by the ayr, or procreate of our selves?
Well, her meaning is good; we will accept her offer: and take a walk or a chearful repose at our pleasure: and in it let each of us for want of more real Objects, entertain an imaginary apprehension of their absent Lover.
Anon, Anon Sir; — quick, quick as Erebus, good Ieremy.—Uds so, what a clattering they make? I verily think our old Titere Tews and Bugle Blews are come to Town, they keep such a damnable quarter.
They knock as they were mad men in the Percullis;— quick, quick, more Attendants in the Unicorn.—There goes none to the Anwarp. The Lion and the Roebuck have not one Drawer to attend them. —Who goes into the Ladies Garden?
We shall have a brave Term, if we stir not our stumps better,
What hast within Boy?
Cakes, Creams, stew'd Prunes, Olivets, Tongues, Tarts, and —
What else, you Jack of all Trades! Doth your Mistress take us, you nitty napry Rascal, for her Bordella's Blouses?
You shall, you shall Madam; — On my life these be the Ladies of the New Dress; they'l never be satisfied.
Let us imagine our selves now to be planted in the Sparagus Garden; where if we want any thing, it is [Page] our own fault. A fair Alimony needs no pawn; it will discharge a Tavern Bill at any time.
Act. 4. Scen. 3.
How is it Noble Ladies? — Your Honours shall want no rarities that our Store-house may afford you.
A Glass of Muscadella for me. Here Madam Fricase, to Mounsieur Flore [...]o.
This Curt'sie Madam, must not beget in you a forgetfulness of Caranto.
So nearly hee's embosom'd, you need not fear it.
Nectarella for me▪ here princely Ioculette to your Salibrand.
Mean time remember loyal Palisado.
No Individual can be well forgot.
Medaa shall be mine. — This Madam Tinder to your Tilly Vally.
First to your own Morisco ▪ — So this Health's gone round.
We must be mounting then. — Your Subject, Madam.
Le Drollere Amaranto.
Song in various Airs.
Our last years Vintage, Madam, was but small.
They come, they come, they come.
Let's entertain them with a joynt neglect.
Act. 4. Scen. 4.
Let us pass by them with regardless scorn.
Act. 4. Scen. 5.
How is it Ladies?
Act. 4. Scen. 6.
When she sees her Salibrand so unmodiously accoutred, she will jeer him out of his Periwig, and render him an Adamite Cap a Pe.
Never were Servants without a Dress, less suitable to Ladies of the New dress.
We shall be held for Sale-men, or Knights of the White Livery, if we encounter them thus habited.
Nay rather for Knights oth' Poast; who had forfeited their broak't Suits for want of swearing.
Nay, for Tumblers, Truckers, or Sculler-men: Plato in all his Commonweal had never such naked followers.
Now, you hemp-strings, had you no time to nim us, but when we were upon our visits?
Go to Rogues, you will never hang well together, till you be stitcht in an halter.
Well, we got more clear gains by this shift, then you will by your visit.
'Twere vain to call; they'r long ere this dismist.
Act. 4. Scen. 7.
Madam.
We were Mad dames indeed, should we give freedom to such injurious Favourites.
This is stormy language; I ever thought our late neglect would nettle them.
Forget [...] Slid I did ne're affront you.
I call the Heav'ns to witness, never I.
Pray, let's hear them.
Hah hah hah — How neatly be these Widgeons catcht in their own Springes!
The Devil's a Witch, and hast impostur'd them.
Platon. Do you believe all this?
Act. 4. Scen. 8.
Actus quintus.
Scena prima.
Long live Eugenio Sivils Governour.
Under such Guardians may we live and dye.
Act. 5. Scen. 2.
Sa, sa.
Ran, tan.
Tara-tantara— thus far from the Isle of Canary. Is not this better my Boyes, then Trapanning an old D [...]olling Fryer for a sequestred Bond? —Hey Boyes, here be those Indian Ratts, that cant and chirp in my Pocket; as if after a long Apprenticeship, they
sought to be made Freemen. But I must not yet inlarge them.
O [...]e pittiful Simpletons, who spend your days in throwing Cudgels at J [...]ck a Lents or Shrove-Cocks.
Nay, in making Gooselings in Embers: and starting as if they were Planet-struck at the weak report of a Pot-gun.
My wish shall be for all that Puny-pen feather'd Ayry of Buzardisme and Stanielry:
Come along Wags, let's in a frolick way march to our old Friends in new Suits: and reserve a scrude look for a three penny Ordinary.
Along, along▪ —But utter not too much language, honest pockets; till a Question be askt you.
Hey for a Fee-Farm Rent in Tunis!
Act. 5. Scen. 3.
Content thee, content thee Christobel—
Yes surely, that's a trim word: but when trow you, had I it? As I am an honest woman, I have been this Goodman Fumblers wife so many years, and he never yet gave me content. 'Tis such a dry Pilchart, he deserves nothing more then basting.
Fie, Christobel, fie; for shame hold thy tratles: is it my fault, if thou be barren?
Barren, you Codshead! Lies the fault there you Island Curre: nay, all the Parish will witness for me, that [Page] I was not barren before I met with you. — Barren Stich [...]l! that shall not serve thy turn. —In plain tearms Iosalin, since Thou cannot content me one way, thou shalt another.
What would my Duck have?
What, my Drake, the Law will give me.
Law!
Yes you wizzard; I have already fed a glib-tongu'd Parret with a Coif on his head, that will trounce you.
What have I done, my Malmsey?
Nay, your doing nothing, you Dumplin, has brought you into this pickle: The short and the long on't is this, I will have Ale-mony.
Alemony! what means my Chicken by that?
I have been neither so long nor ill taught by my Betters, but I know the meaning of Alemony well enough. My Landslady Ioculette, God bless her, is matcht to as handsome a frolick youngster as one can see on a Summers day: yet she dislikes him, and has recover'd a good stock of Alemony. I love to follow the example of my betters: Set your heart at rest Iosalin, I must and will have Alemony.
Thou shalt have any thing my Conny Cristobel, so thou wilt rest contented.
Nay Husband, you know well, that I am forc'd many nights to go to rest weakly contented. But if I chance to trudge to Court; I mean to lie all open; you shall hear I intend not to lay leafs on my wounds: The Duke, I hear, is a merciful man; and will not suffer any of his poor Subjects to fall short of their due.
Well, Girle, thou shalt finde me ready to appear before his Grace, at any time.
You'l have a gracious bargain on't then doubtless. —Trust me Iosalin, you will distemper all our Ladies at Court, if you push at the Gate with your Ramhorns.
She's possest, sure.
No, not yet; but I mean shortly to be possest of [Page] my Alemony; you shall play no more the sharking foist with me, you fumbling Fidler you.—I hope I have friends at Court, that will take Course that I may have my whole due; and then foutra for Iosalin.
Well, the thought is tane; I see one must thank God for a Shrow as well as for a Sheep: though the Sheep have more wool on his back, and affords a more savoury repast at the board. Hanging and Wedding go by Destiny: and I hold the former to be the happier destiny of the twain: yet He that will practise the art of swinging in a Halter, either to please or cross a Shrows humour, let him hang like a Puppy without hope of pitty: and dye intestate to make his Wife heir on't: till some nimble Younker become his successor, and stumbling on his Grave, laugh at the Cuckoldly Slave.
Act. 5. Scen. 4.
Summon'd to appear! for what? —What have we done!
This falls pat on their resolves: for those disdainful Wenches in the heat of their Passion, vow'd joyntly that Revenge should kick up our heels.
Our heels are not so short, though theirs be. Should they pursue this Information, it would dart highly on their dishonour.
Honour! what may that be in this age but an airy Title? These Bonarobas have not lost the art of ingratiating nor deluding their Servants. There be Chimneys enough at Court to convey their smoak. Beauty and Confidence keep strong Sentinels in Loves Army.
They cannot want Sollicitors in a place of Liberty.
Let them hold to't: Their Complaints are but squibs in the Ayr. Such Whifflers are below my scorn, and beneath my spite.
Act. 5. Scen. 5.
And usefully too I hope.
I see well the Court can do nothing without our City Revellers.
Trust me I am with Childe till I get to't: but my desires are enlivened for a sight of my Lord especially.
Or your special Lord Madam. We smell your meaning. As I am vertuous, he deserves your smile or whatsoever may most indear him. I have known none at any time court Love with a more graceful nor accurate presence. He can be both seriously amorous: and amorously serious.
Surely, Lady Ioculette; you set him at a rate far above th' Market: you value him not as if you meant to sel.
No, nor buy neither: I have no property in such a rich penniworth. For if I had, I should wish—
I know what Madam.
Good now, thy conceipt
Shall I freely unbosome me?
Pray thee, Madam, do Madam▪
You would wish that his puny Baker [...] legs had more Essex growth in them; for else they would make ill Butchers ware.
Thou art a shrude Wench, trust me.
Well Ladies, I know a new minted Lord, that can act the Spanish Don, with a peakt beard and a starcht look to an hair.
O Madam Tinder, I guess where you are: but he wants a little of your spirit: He can cringe and caress better then he dare fight: A Ladies honour might perish [Page] under such a feverish Champion.
For loves sake, let's make haste▪ Nothing will be done, till we come.
Good Madam Land-lady, take lame Cristobel, along with you;
She means to have about for her Alemony.
We shall not want then for handsome Attendance.
Act. 5. Scen. 6
Give way,—make present way for his Excellence and his Consuls.
What means the Duke?
I relish not th' discourse.
Is this the Court-Mask, and the Ball we look't for?
Be you those Ladies?
I am one of them forsooth.
They have not signed mine, if't please your Dukeship.
Truly I am a very impudent lame Woman: and my Husband a feeble weak-doing man, your Grace must needs grant me Alemony.
Rather then none, Ile take Sir Tristram Shorttool.
I for Sir Arthur Heartless.
I must put on my Night-gown for Sir Iasper Simpleton.
Nay, Madam, but it were not amiss if you knew first, whether Scattergood will live with you or no. Release your Alimony, and I'le resign my right in your propriety: and in my widdow'd life mourn in sack — lo infinitely.
Or to thy death an aged Prioress.
Nay, but by your good favour, Ile meddle with none of your Priorities; Ile rather go mumble a crust at home: and chuck my old Iosalin.
We hate them worse then Hell.
Good your Grace; we are reclaim'd.