A ROD for Trepidantium Malleus, OR A LETTER TO Sam. Reconcileable.

Clodius accusat Moechos.
Simulata sanctitas duplex iniquitas.

LONDON, Printed, and sold by M. Fabian at Mercers Chappel in Cheapside. 1700

A ROD FOR Trepidantium Malleus, OR A LETTER TO Sam. Reconcileable.


COMING not long since into a Coffee-house, I hap­pen'd to seat my self at a Table with three or four that were very eager in Discourse, and I soon [Page 4] found you was the Subject. One that pretended to have read your Books, and had enjoy'd some of your Conversation, would not be persuaded but that the glimps of Knavery was easily discoverable through your Fool's Dress, and that there lay some bad Design lurking at the bottom; whilst another thought it was too natural to be a Disguise, and that you had no oc­casion for a Mask to act that part: a third, to reconcile the other two, would needs have you a Com­pound of both. These Comments drew from me my Opinion, which was, That you had too much Learning for a Fool, and too little Wit for a Knave, but was stark sta­ring Mad, had got off your Shac­kles, and deserted the College. And to this, upon mature deliberation, [Page 5] they seem'd to assent, and very af­fectionately began to pity your Condition. What thanks I shall have for my pains, I know not, I doubt but little; especially should you chance to be of the same mind with one not long since try'd for Murder, who when some of his Friends would have insinuated to the Court, that he was non compos mentis, in order to save him, con­tradicted it, and was very angry at the Reproach; he stood upon Rep— and would rather be hang'd than be thought a Mad man (I'm sure had I been one of his Jury, I should have found him so) and if you are in the same Case with that Gentleman, (notwithstanding all your Invectives against the Party) you'l be found a rank Antinomian, for you will be out of the reach of the Law.

[Page 6]And now I'm mentioning the Antinomians, by the way I cannot but give you a hint of your horrid Character of Dr. Crisp (whose Me­mory deserves respect for his Pi­ety) and your abomi­nable ridicule of the Work of Conversion,Note: Second New Year's Gift, p. 14. and so on. in Salem Ben Sholomoh the Jew, in such fulsom Language, that he that has the largest extent of Charity, can hardly judg you to have undergone the Opera­tion.

And indeed that Con­sideration takes off some of the surprize raised by your scurrilous,Note: 2d Friendly Epistle to G. Keith, p. 15. &c. base and profane Reflections upon the Administration, and Administra­tors of an Ordinance of God. If they are in the wrong, they ought [Page 7] to be us'd with Candor, and Ci­vility, and not to be burlesqu'd, and so scandalously reproach'd with ill Language,Note: 2d Friendly Epistle, p. 30. and false Stories, especially by one who has ex­press'd so great a Respect for 'em.

Ludere cum Sacris, was ever ab­horr'd by all meer Moralists; and shall one of the Ministerial Functi­on be guilty of it? A Man that would be thought so mightily gifted that way, that he takes the Liberty to find fault with, and run down almost, all as parcel of Pulpit Quacks: One that will un­dertake to bring up a Boy of twelve Years old to preach better than most of the Baptists about the Town, &c. And sayst thou so Sam? Then thou art like some clumsy-heel'd Dancing-masters, that can teach [Page 8] their Scholars to perform better than themselves; for thou never didst mount the Pulpit in thy Life yet, without proving the truth of a saying that is often in thy Mouth, viz. That it is not so easy a thing to Preach, as some people think it to be.

Perhaps you will not believe me, neither indeed can I reasonably expect you should, when I consi­der the good Opinion you have of your self; but, Sir, tho Self-con­ceit may have a very prevalent sway in the Concavity of your Cranium, 'tis strange it should sprout out in such Self-applause as both your Books and Discourses are continu­ally larded with;Note: 2d New Year's Gift to the Crispi­ans, p. 13, 14. 2d Friendly Epistle to G. Keith, p. 19. espe­cially, that being one of the great Crimes laid upon Mr. Baxter [Page 9] by your self, and for which you so severely lash'd him. Pray read over that part of your Book a­gainst Baxter which touches upon that Subject, and learn to cha­stize your self thro the sides of a­nother.

I remember some time since, when Mr. Jacobs said, The Baptists went down into the Water with the Wo­men only to feel 'em, &c. your Spirit was very warm, and you mighty zealous in upbraiding him for it, and could say, (nay, and print it too) none but a Debauchee would have been guilty of such stuff: so that your last Book calls you Debauchee to your Face, and we dare believe it in that, tho not in many things else.

I could not have expected from a Man of your Years (and a Con­junction [Page 10] Copulative too) such things as are charg'd upon you, had I not heard that your Wife (and in that she's a happy Woman) must lie alone (and has done ever since her Reign ended, and your Tyranny began) you having something to teach the young Men in Bed.

Either Physicians are in the wrong, when they say 'tis un­wholsom, or some People don't do well to advise the young Men to lie upon their Backs, with their hands by their Sides, whilst they read Lectures upon some of the outer parts, and set the poor things a gog (by their negative Advice) after what they might happily o­therwise not think of; but I hope they have wit enough to consider who they make their Confessor. [Page 11] How old? how many times? when last? &c. are questions to be very cau­tiously answered, notwithstanding a promise they won't tell.

In short, Sir, there are some things buz'd abroad concerning you that are almost incredible, and hardly to be imagin'd should be done by such a one as you would be thought, or indeed by any o­ther that had not laid a Caustick to his Conscience, or gotten the Fly­flap of Formality to keep away the Flies from stinging it. What Man but your self ever had the Face, or could be imagin'd impudent enough to appear in the World against the pretended immodesty of an Ordinance (as you have done) unless he could wipe him­self clean from such Reflections as have oft and again been cast [Page 12] upon you Sir Flog-well, and still stick close to you? Good Peda­gogue, you can never pretend your Discipline (as you call it) is for the Correction of your Scholars, but rather calculated for the Meridi­an of your own Diversion; for what Punishment is there in the stroak of a Feather, or why should you ring the Bells, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. upon the Boys Bums? Prithee, why so many at once? one such Object is enough at a time; so many, one would think, should distract your weak Opticks, and make you as wild in your Senses, as you are in your Understanding. And indeed, Sir, I cannot forbear finding fault with your Method as well as your Manners, and censuring your Prudence as well as your Modesty (I don't say Chast­ity) [Page 13] 'Tis highly reasonable to think, that young Men of twen­ty or thirty years of Age, should better be wrought upon by Per­suasion, than Bum-brushing.

But remembring you are a mighty lover of Stories and Ver­ses (which, as they are surreptiti­ously scrap'd up here and there, are as odly jumbled together, and profusely and blunderingly flung away, without Design, and to no end in your Books) be pleas'd kindly to accept of such as may chance to drop from my Pen.

A certain Apothecary sends his Man to administer a Clyster, that was prescrib'd by a Physician, for a Gentleman his Patient, who was sorely afflicted with the Head­ach; the man enters the Gentle­man's [Page 14] Chamber, who demands Who's there? answer is made, the Apothecary. What has the Doctor or­der'd me? A Clyster, A Clyster! quoth the Gentleman, you Vil­lain, you Rascal, the Doctor's a Fool to send a thing to put in my A— to cure my Head, and so drove him out of the Room. What Lines of Communication you have found out between the Head and Tail of a Scho­lar, I know not; but it seems very preposterous to suppose, that diminishing the podicical Covering, should increase the Understand­ing. I doubt Birch-Clysters don't work kindly: A Patient's Fancy does very much assist the Doctor's endeavours; and therefore I doubt you have but little success in your Practice, because your Pa­tients [Page 15] cannot be persuaded into a good Opinion of their Physick, for they have a natural aversion to pain. I find you are one of Co—atch's followers, your Medi­cines are all Acids.

And now, Sir, having con­sidered your Case, I find Distrac­tion the best excuse I can make to my self and others, for these enormous excursions of your non­intellectuals; which makes me a little commiserate your Case, and heartily advise you in your very next interval, to read Dr. Echard's Letter to the Author of Hierago­nisticon, and use his Prescripti­ons; they exactly hit your Case; pray don't neglect it, delays be­ing dangerous: He says you must avoid all hot things, as Coffee and Tobacco (and I believe not without [Page 16] reason, for they are apt to dry up the Brain, and when things are too dry they will crack) but above all you must avoid wri­ting Books, till you find the Dis­temper pretty well asswag'd, and then too but moderately, for fear of a Relapse. But if you can't forbear till then, pray what­ever you write in your fit (which is but all you write) read over in an interval before it goes to the Press, and then I doubt not they will all receive their fate as truly (tho not as duly) as if they were burnt by the hands of the common Hangman.

Indeed some of those already publish'd have answer­ed the end propos'd,Note: 2d and last New Years Gift to the Crispians, page 11. and have prov'd good Physick. A Friend of [Page 17] mine lays 'em in a convenient Place, where the reading one Leaf is a gentle Purge, and then 'tis sent after the Operation; the fittest use they can be put to. And, Sir, was there no other reason why they should suf­fer, but because they are too bold and saucy with their Author, that was enough: for while they are Jesters to others, they make a jest of him.

You seem in all your Writings to drive very hard for the Bus­kins; but, I must tell you, they are too noble an Ornament to adorn your Farce; for what you write is as much below that re­proved Author, as a Bartholomew­fair Droll is below Seneca's Trage­dies.

[Page 18]I must acknowledg you have hammer'd hard for a little Wit to divert the World, and there­fore the World's very ungrate­ful it won't accept the Will for the Deed; and 'tis really very hard that you should print Books at your own Charge, and be at the Expence both of Purse and Brain to please, and all in vain: yet you have this comfortable Solace in the experience you have gain'd, you have found out the best way of putting off your Books of any Man in England. I am told, that when you was, not long since, chewing the Cud, without dividing the Hoof, in Noah's Ark (as you call it) you was telling a Story of a Man that cry'd Pears, twelve, sixteen, twenty a Penny, and none would buy, till at last he [Page 19] cry'd Pears for nothing, and then he soon empty'd his Basket; so (said you) is it with my Books. Why Sam! what an unhappy Fellow art thou to lay the Rod in the way thus? For who, do you think, won't reply, the rea­son why the Pears would not sell, was, because they were not good?

I remember a Passage I once met with in a Dramatick Po­em call'd, The Folly of Priest▪craft. Father Politico (who bears the Character of a plotting, intrigu­ing Priest) orders his Man Ma­nuel to read the Intelligences which he had receiv'd out of the Country, what Men there were in the several Counties that were fit Tools to work with, in building up the Catholick Cause; [Page 20] and among the rest, There is a Fellow of a broad Face, and no Brains, the want of which is sup­ply'd by a great stock of Impudence, which enables him to rail against Po­pery in Billingsgate Language, with­out two grains of Sense or Reason— He gets a good quantity of Money in the Year, and preaches in a little Shed at the end of his House. Then mark him down (says Politico) and send an hundred Pounds to make his Shed bigger; there are more converted to us by hearing bad Sermons against Popery, than by hearing good ones for it. Whether this is worthy the Consideration of your Anta­gonists, must be left to them, and how far the Story reacheth their Case. But I am very apt to think, should they be at the Charge of printing all you write [Page 21] (rather than you should be si­lent) it would prove for the good of the Cause you oppose; and one of your Books against any Opinion, will make more Con­verts to it, than ten good Books writ for it.

I find, old Ishmael, you are re­solv'd to keep us in uncertain­ty to what Party you belong, and make us think you are a Man of no Religion, by your quarrelling with all as wrong. I did believe you a Presbyterian (if any thing) till I met with those scurrilous Sarcasms upon the two great Men of the Age of that Persuasion,Note: 2d New Years Gift for the Crispi­ans, p. 35, 36. Dr. B—s and Mr. H—w. 'Tis mean and pi­tiful to rake the Ashes of the Dead, as you do of the Doctor, [Page 22] (you know the old saying, De mortuis nil nisi bonum) but 'tis in­tolerable to stamp 'em with Fal­sities. I can find no truth in what you would insinuate, tho I have often endeavour'd it, and can make no shift to free it from the name of a Lie, but that it is too gross to deceive. And I doubt not but you thought your self a fitter Man to speak to the King, in the name of the Dis­senters, than he that did it (whom the World knows to be a learn­ed Man, and needs no Enco­mium from any but his own Works) as you have often im­plicitely seem'd to assert. That would have been the ready way to have reviv'd the obsolete name of Fanatick, and to have given the King just cause to reflect up­on [Page 23] on the Liberty given to Madmen, as he must have judg'd them by their Representative.

You needed not to have taken the trouble to acknowledg your self a Man of but little Prudence, as you do in the thirty second page of your second New-Years-Gift, for I never yet could meet with the Man thought you had any.

You tell us a Story,Note: William Pen and the Qua­kers, either Impostors or Apostates, p. 30. that a Quaker Woman coming into a Church, and disturbing it by her speaking, was ask'd by a Boy, Who sent her there that Day? she reply'd, God; No, said the Boy, then you would not have spoken so many things contrary to the Scriptures; neither can I imagine the Devil sent thee, for I thought he had more wit than to send such a Fool [Page 24] about his Work: and the Quaker never disturb'd 'em afterward. Who sent you I cannot deter­mine. but I wish the recital of your own Story may have the same Effect upon you, and keep you from making any farther disturbance by your foolish Scri­ble. Could you look a little in­to your own Constitution, that would mightily help towards it, for there

— You'd find
Your Body made for Labour, not your Mind.

I fear, should it come to be known who is the Author of this Letter, by any of the Judi­cious, I shall incur their Displea­sure; most are apt to think that [Page 25] you aim at nothing more than the honour of being thought worth answering, and would be glad of having any thing writ against you, to introduce some­thing more of your incontinent Scrible into the World. Should it prove so in this, I heartily beg their Pardon, and hope I shall never again be guilty of Mid­wifeing any of your Brats, or be the Cause of provoking you to plague the World with more of your Stuff. Indeed if you'l be as good as your word, I need not much fear it in this Cause, for you tell us,Note: 2d Friendly Epistle to G. Keith, fol. 20, 34▪ That you never intend to write one word more upon this Subject (that is, of Baptism) unless a Reply by any worthy Divine or Scholar of theirs makes it necessary. [Page 26] Can you think, or suppose, a wor­thy Divine, and a Scholar, to be without any thing else to do, than to trouble his Head about you? and till then you cannot expect any one should; besides, Man, such a one would as much scorn to draw a Pen against thee, as a well bred Gentleman to draw his Sword upon a naked Cit.

I understand you threaten very hard any that shall dare to appear in Print against you, and yet you see 'tis done. In the name of him you shall happen to pitch up­on to rail at, as the Author of this Letter, I send you defiance in six Lines of Sir Carr Scroop to my Lord Rochester, upon his Lord­ship's having written something against him.

Rail on poor feeble Scribler, speak of me
In as bad terms as the World speaks of thee:
Sit swelling in thy Hole like a vex'd Toad;
Thy Venom, and thy Malice spit abroad;
Thou canst hurt no Man's Name by thy ill word,
Thy Pen is full as harmless as thy Sword.


PErhaps some who may chance to peruse this Letter, may cavil at, and find fault with the Method I have taken, and the Stile I have used in writing to the Quakers Beetle (head). Those that do, I desire to accept of this for An­swer; I have endeavour'd, as much as I could, to imitate the Gentle­man, and fight him at his own Weapons, and therefore I have foisted in several Stories (and some of them abruptly) that I might come as near I could to my Copy. And if I'm accus'd for being so severe upon him, take his own Reason for the same [Page 29] thing, in his Book call'd William Pen and the Quakers, either Impostors or Apostates, &c. page 61.

Quacks and Juglers, and foolish pre­tenders to any thing, are not to be treated as wise and sober Men; Answer, says the wisest of Men, a Fool according to his Folly, lest he be wise in his own Conceit,
Prov. 26.5.

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