I Owe you a greater Obser­vance, more profound Re­spects, and hearty Thanks, for Favours to which I had not Merit to pretend, than I am able to express, should I make Words and Phrase my Study; but I am not like to do that at present; for you have us'd me so of late, that you tempt me to think, you are going to put as much Despight into one Scale, as ever you put Obligation into the other. Why! Sir, I am in­formed, that your Worship, not having a right sense of things, nor the Fear of God before your Eyes, should, to the disgrace of your own Vertue, give your Tongue the li­berty, in an open Coffee-House, to speak ill of the Gout. Of the Gout, Sir! which if you look on as a Dis­ease, you ought to welcome as the most useful and necessary thing, [Page 2]that could have happen'd to you: But if you consider as becomes you, then, with me, you must reverence it as a Power Divine,

Would you your self, Sir, pati­ently endure the Honour of our Great Master, our Rightful and Lawful King, to be contemptuously reflected on, by e're a recreant piece of Conscientious Priest-craft that infests the Town? Then, why should not I be concerned for the Honour of my Great Master, the Gout, who claims not, 'tis true, the power he exercises over me, by any Hereditary pretence; but from an Origine altogether as Sacred and Indisputable, viz. some voluntary Acts and Deeds of my own. Yet you could say, that when the Al­mighty God had out of rude Chaos built this goodly frame of Nature, which we see, and form'd his Noble [Page 3]Creature Man; he indulged the Devil to Create some one thing, and his damn'd Envy gave Being to the Gout. Now I am confident, Sir, and have great Authorities for it, that if the Devil ever created any thing, it was the Doctor, of whom since you have made so much use; I know not, but it may be rationally inferr'd, that you have dealt with the Devil. The Gout, Sir, whe­ther you know it or no, was post­nate to the Creation, and younger something than the Fall of Man, who having incurr'd the Sentence of Death, the friendly Gout was sent in Mercy down from Heaven to lengthen wasting Life: By my con­sent you should never have the Gout, who have no more conside­ration in you than to blaspheme it.

I always took your Worship for a Person the most accommplished our City has ever bred; I imagin'd that you thoroughly understood most things, but it could never en­ter into my head, that you should fall into so Profane an Errour as to [Page 4]think, into so rash a Practice, as to speak ill of the Gout. But because my Soul has been full of humble Deference to your Worship, I will be at some pains to recover you to your right mind, and a due venera­tion of that Friendly Daemon, the Gout. For though you may value your self, and reckon that no gird­ing Satyrist can take up the Old Proverb against you, and say, That you are afraid of your Friends, when there is none near you; yet, what is worse, they may reproach you with this disgraceful Truth; You are afraid of your best Friend when he Kisses your very feet.

Now upon this Subject, having no need to use the inveagling Arts of Oratory; I shall not with Tropes and Metaphors, with Flourishes and Amusements of insinuating Words, seek to divert your Mind, and cheat your Judgment; but to make my Work the shorter, and do it ef­fectually, press you with plain De­monstration. Your Errour, Sir, was this, That the Devil Created [Page 5]the Gout. I prove he did not. You know, Sir, that the Man of Sin, the Son of Perdition, best known by the Name of Antichrist, is the Pope. You must not doubt of this, for till the days of that Excellent Prelate, Archbishop Laud, the whole stream of Protestant In­terpreters gave it so; a learned Chaplain of his has put that Cha­racter upon the Grand Seignior, and a famous Annotator has taught our Church to split Antichrist into Simon Magus, and his Gnostick Fol­lowers. I must confess, I have a sort of a respect to these Authori­ties, but the Body of Modern Dis­senters, and the general Agreement of Interpreters, Whig and Tory, in the Age before, weighs them down: Take in then the Lay-mobi­lity of the Nation, who should know something, but are confident of nothing more, than that Anti­christ is the Pope; and your Wor­ship will agree it with me, that that's the plain Truth of the mat­ter: By the way I will observe one [Page 6]thing, which will not trouble my Demonstration, but yet your Wor­ship see, how ready I am to allow you in your Speculation, all that can reasonably be desir'd. A cele­brated Author notes, that the An­cients described Antichrist, by the Phrase of [...], The First-Born of the Devil. Sup­posing now that the Devil created something, as you contend, you see, it could not be the Gout; at least, not if you'll be judged by the Fa­thers; but rather Antichrist, or the Pope. I desire your Worship to consider next, that you shall not read in Platina, Onuphrius, or any latter Antichristian Biographer, that ever faetid Toe of Pope was visited with beneficial Gout. But had so great a Blessing been created by the Devil, as you fondly imagine, the Devil had for a certain, bestow'd it on his First-born the Pope: Nay, and then too, instead of the filthy Scrutiny through the Porphiry Chair, for old and wasted Testicles, the Deacon had only pull'd off the [Page 7]Stocking of the Elect, and the rati­ficatory Report had been, Dominus noster Papa habet Podagram. In short, Sir, Antichrist, or the Pope, [for they are one and the same First-born of the Devil, according to the Ancients,] being never favoured with the Gout, it is plain that the Devil did not create it, [...], which was the thing to be demon­strated.

Having thus, Sir, utterly con­founded your Errour, my next la­bour shall be, to instruct you in a sounder persuasion. The Gout was sent in Mercy down from Heaven to lengthen wasting Life.

The Seat of this Friendly Dae­mon, by whom every afflicted Man receives a thousand times more be­nefit, than ever Socrates, by his; his Seat, I say, is in the Nervous parts; he commonly visits the Internodia of the Bones of the Feet; some­times the Hip, the Knee, the El­bow, Shoulder, Wrist, and Ancle: But to prove its Divine Original, I will proceed methodically, and [Page 8]from his lowest Commendations a­scend by six just Steps or Degrees, till I have rais'd him above the Stars, and enter'd him among the Celestial Spirits; to whom, Sir, you will then be tempted to offer up your Oraisons in the prescribed Form, at the end of an Old Manuscript-Missal, communicated to me by a learned Antiquary, a great Collec­tor of those Rarities. The Form this; Blessed Gout, most desirable Gout, Soveraign Antidote of Mur­dering Maladies, powerful Correc­tor of Intemperance, deign to vi­sit me with thy purging fires, and throw off the tophous injury which I may have suffered by Wine and Wit, too hard for the Vertue of a Devote upon a Holy Festival; but fail not thy Humble Supplicant, who needs thy Friendly Help to keep his tottering Tenement in or­der, fail him not, every Vernal and Autumnal Aequinox.

I know some precise Doctors are against all Invocation of Saints, at present I shall not dispute with [Page 9]them, but they must grant me, That there's more to be said in justificati­on of such a Prayer to the Gout, than can be said for the Offices di­rected to any other Saints, not ex­cepting the Virgin. For I defier their Worshippers to prove, that there has been the Tythe of so much good done by them all, as I shall prove has been done by the beneficial Gout. I begin at the lowest step, and Note,

First, The Gout gives a Man Pain without Danger.

It is possible, I confess, that a Sick Man, if he were directly ask'd to declare his Sense of the matter, might refuse to acknowledge the benefit of Pain without Danger, for Sickness and Peevishness commonly go together; but mind his Dis­course at another time, when he talks from the heart, and is not up­on his Guard: Then, O then, Pain without Danger is a Blessed thing. For Instance, — Suffering under [Page 10]a painful threatning Distemper, What's his first question to the Phy­sician, but this? Doctor, pray be plain with me, and let me truly know what I am to expect, don't flatter a Sick-man, but tell me, am I like to Recover or no? That Pain, you see, which he suffers, does not at all trouble him, he's only afraid he shall Die, secure him against that Danger, and all is well with him: Cut, Slash, Burn, no pain is grie­vous, if it promise to set us out of the danger of Death.

When the other Doctor comes, the Physician of the Soul I mean, whose coming bodes no good to the Body, He tells the Decumbent a long Story of the Pains and Misery of Life, in order to make his nunc dimittis go down the easier; but that method seldom takes, for not one of a hundred is so bad, but he's content to live, and put the rest to the venture. The fear of Death is generally more grievous than all the cruel Pains of a wretch­ed [Page 11]Life. But since we must have pain while we live, give me the Pain of the Gout, which has no danger attending. Here some male­volent Adversary may importune­ly object, Did never any Man Die of the Gout? To this I answer, 1st. I have not yet affirmed, That the Gout can make a Man immortal, though I will boldly say thus much, it very often keeps a Man alive till all his Friends are weary of him. But 2. Should I venture to say that the Gout has in it self the power to make a Man immortal; it ought not to seem so very strange, all things being considered. If that be true, which some Authors Write of the Noble Paracelsus, He had the Secret to make a Man immortal, and I would not say he lyed, though himself Died about Forty; for per­haps he did not like his Company; but it must have been by way of his Discovery to give any Man the Gout when he pleased; in that I am positive. Here the Objector will [Page 12]scornfully put me in Mind, that Gouty persons, scape Death no more than other Men, which is very true, but that's because Men are Fools, and don't know when they are safe; they must be curing the Gout forsooth, and to that end they deal with the Doctor, i. e. with the Factor of Death, the Emissary of Hell, the Purveyor of the Grave, Damn'd Alchymist, good at calci­ning nothing but Living Bodies in­to Dust and Ashes. Let every one bear his own burthen; the Gout has nothing to do with the Carnage of the Doctor. All that can be ratio­nally said against the Gout, is, that it does not actually preserve Man, in spight of their own Folly, and the Dr's ignorance: And yet there is the Right Honourable Sir R. H. the Gout is so Salutary to him that two Swiss Doctors can't dispatch him; what would a certain Lord give that those two coagulating Spirits could remove his Honours Gout; but say I, Gout hold thy [Page 13]own; for Earth has more need of the Cripple, than Heaven of the Saint. And now, Sir, let me tell you a Story, the famous Willis shall be my Voucher, who dissected the the Body of the Reverend, Lear­ned, and Pious Doctor Hammond, kill'd purely by his Friend, who un­happily taught him a Medicine to cure the Gout, upon the Success of that Medicine, the Doctor's old Ne­phritic Pains return'd, and in a Fort­night dispatch'd him.

Therefore for your own, for your Lady's, and for your Childrens sake, Sir, welcome the Gout to your House, and shut all your Doors against the Physician, I'll warrant you for up­wards a Hundred. Lord! how glad shall I be, to see 'em pick Chalk­stones out of your Worship's Feet, some forty or fifty Years hence; by that time you'll have learn'd so much Patience, as never to rear for the Matter. But if you do roar [for that may be then as you use your self now,] they that look on, if [Page 14]they love Life, will envy, not pity You: Indeed you are already a fit Object for the Envy of Thinking Men, for I have heard you confess, that yours is an Hereditary Gout, and that's for the better; an Here­ditary Gout is a far greater Hap­piness than an acquir'd one; what a deal of Intemperance, and amo­rous Excesses, might it have cost Your Worship to have got the Gout before Forty, whereas now you have the mighty Blessing for nothing, sorte nascendi, it is your Birth-right, Sir, never think of parting with it.

Perhaps you may be now tempted to ask me, how I acquir'd my Gout? I shall not be shy to satisfy your Cu­riosity, for I came by it honestly: We Scholars have a way by our selves to come at the Blessing, with­out ever being beholden to the God, that chears the genteel Candidate of the Gout by day, or the God­dess that entertains him on nights; We lead Sedentary Lives, Feed [Page 15]heartily, Drink quantum sufficit, but Sleep immoderately; so that, the Superfluities of our Sober and Grave Fulness, not exhaling, we very honestly prepare Tartarous Matter for the Gout, for the bene­ficial Gout, which gives us Pain without Danger. Ascend we now the next step, which advances the Honour of the Gout.

2. The Gout is no constant Compa­nion, but allows his Patients lucid Joy­ous Intervals.

Humane Nature is so fram'd, that no one thing is agreeable to it always; therefore it is well for us, that the World is so full of changes; the Earth we tread on, the Seas we sail on, the Air we breath in, the Starry Fir­mament expanded round us, have their continual Vicissitudes, which all make for our Advantage and De­light. The Body of Man is a true Microcosm in this respect, for it never continues in one condition; and, upon the same account, his Mind is a very fit Guest for his Bo­dy; [Page 16]for, at different times, he thinks, and speaks, different things,

How welcome is a Guest that knows when to be gone; but if his stay be longer than ordinary, we are ready to thrust him out of doors. For these, and the like considera­tions, the way of the Gout's dealing with his Patients can never be e­nough esteem'd. Whatever some impatient weak Minds may think, 'tis manifest, that the Gout, by his coming and going, takes the right course to be very agreeable, and ob­liging. Weak People may curse the Gout, and wish to be wholly ex­cus'd from his intermitting Visits; [Page 17]but I look upon such People as Men that are weary of the World, and being willing to leave it, I grant, they have reason to be angry with the Gout; with the Gout that folds their Mortality so fast about them.

Your Worship has been guilty of this impatience, but I hope to reco­ver you to a better Mind. I have already shown you, that, to a wise Considerer, the absence of danger takes off from the pain of the Gout, but some pain there is, and ought to be, for constant Health has no relish, 'tis an insipid dull thing: That Reverend Calvinist, Dr. Twiss, affirms, That 'tis better to be Damn'd than Annihilated. I might, I suppose, with less offence, affirm, that 'twere better to be Dead, than never to be Sick of the Gout; nay, this I am sure of, that all the So­ber and Experienc'd People will be so far from taking offence, that I shall have them on my side, if I ven­ture on that Paradox; for, how of­ten have I heard a Grave Adviser, [Page 18]one that had tried Health and Sick­ness, alternately, for many Years, tell the robust, young, riotous Fel­low, that he knew not the value of Health. No, how should he, having never been Sick? But why should his sober Adviser press him to be careful of his Health, that's the way never to understand the deliciousness of it, by that time he gets the Gout, he'll throughly un­derstand the matter, I'll warrant him? Set me two Men together, one that never knew Pain, and another newly recover'd of the Gout; ob­serve them both narrowly, in the former perhaps you may perceive an easie, even Temper; but the lat­ter is ravish'd with Joys and Satis­factions, which, if his Tongue does not declare, his Hands, and Feet, and Gesture shall.

Homer says that the Beauty of He­len was a Prize, worth all the Blood spilt through the long course of the Ten Years War. Homer would not have redeem'd those Lives by the [Page 19]least injury to that adorable Lady: Such are the lucid intervals between Heart-breaking Fits of the Gout, worth all the Ravings, and Roarings, which the violent Paroxysm forces from the tortur'd Patient; and who would spoil the resin'd Pleasure of his Recovery, by wishing to have one angry Throb, one heavy Groan 'bated him. Si parvis componere mag­na liceret, if we might compare great things with small, The Gout is to Health, as Ham, and Tongue, to Wine, or rather, as [...], to the Lovers Congress. Courage, Sir, and be advis'd by me, 'tis good advise I am giving, and you shall have it Gratis. When your Foot swells, and burns, and throbs, ba­nish all foolish Sorrow, and Repi­ning, instead whereof, let swelling Joys dilate your Generous Breast; when sharp fermenting Juyces, not easily miscible, shall meet, and by their furious contest, cause cruel twichings of your nervous Fibres, comfort your Heart, and be ex­tremely [Page 20]pleas'd; when Masculine Acetous Recrements shall, with Female Tartarous Matter, Mix, En­gender, and Beget a Tophous Mass, when that same Tophous Mass shall lodge in the Intornodia of Your Worship's Bones, entertaining you with a rending Solution of Conti­nuity, then let your Soul Triumph; but touch not, taste not, the Cru­men-Emulgent Doctor's Emulsions, Juleps, Apozemes, nor let his Re­percussives, or Resolvents, Cata­plasme, and Anodynes, touch you; so let your Friend the Gout take his course, and maul you soundly. O! so easie, so pleas'd, so joyous, so happy, so bless'd will you be, when the turn of Health shall come, why, Sir, you'll be in Heav'n, in Heav'n while you are on Earth; you'll be entirely Beatifi'd on this side the Grave, and that's more than Solomon has arriv'd at yet [if you can give any credit to a Catholick Painter] for but one half of him is Glorified, the other fryes in Flames, [Page 21]vex'd by tormenting Devils, like the Noble Shaftsbury in Windsor-hall, beshrew the Painter for—his Pains, Fas est & ab hoste doceri. Learn of our common Enemy; Sir, I fancy, the Late Tyrant solaces his Exile, with the expectation of a return to trample on the Liberties, and riot in the Blood of Hereticks; but be­fore ever that dismal day come, may the Gout, my Life's kind Pre­server, and my dear Life it self for­sake me; only I will make it in my bargain, I will not stand to this wish, if my help can contribute any thing to oppose his Invasion. I am much of the Mind, Sir, that by what I have said already, you are a coming Proselyte; but before I have done with you, you shall chuse to part with your Eyes, rather than your true Friend the Gout. The migh­ty Blessing whereof, that you may the better understand, mount with me one Step higher, and then take notice of this farther advantage of the Gout.

3. The Gout presents you with a perpetual Almanack; And that it may never be out of the way, but ready always for Your Worship's use, safely deposites it in the Inter­nodia of your Bones. Barometers, Thermometers, and other the Inven­tions of Men, not yet perfect Ma­sters of their Art, serve more for the Delight, than the Use of the Curious; but theusesul Pains of the Gout give Your Honour trusty Prognostics of the Seasons. As of­ten as a moist Constitution of the Year, South, or North Winds, or Snows are at Hand, you predict those things from the accesses of your Pains; and by the absence of your Pains, you foreknow the con­trary; so one way or other, your Bone-Almanac serves for all Chan­ges.

Our Lilly's and Gadbury's fore­know when it shall be Rain-like, or Snow-like, but what Your Honour foreknows, by means of the Gout, does afterwards actually come to [Page 23]pass. Doctor Goad knew more of the Stars, and their Positions than you, but not half so much of their Influence. Spinoza will have it, that when a Jewish Prophet foretold any thing, he gave a Sign, a present Sign, which was a confirmation of his Prophesie; you have the Sign within you, Sir, and are a true Pro­phet all over.

Majora animalia diutius visceribus Parentum continentur, says Pliny. Na­ture gives to larger siz'd Animals a longer stay in the Womb of their Mother; their mighty Limbs, and vast Frame of Body, are not so soon fashion'd and perfected, as is the Compendious texture of lesser Ani­mals: So is it with the most Noble Arts and Sciences, with the most use­ful Inventions, when first brought to light; every Man is taken up with unactive Extasie, and lazy Admira­tion, greatly pleas'd to be Taught, and let into Mystery, and as well content to know no more than is taught him; time passes silently on, [Page 24]and Ages steal away, before there starts up a studious inquisitive Per­son, who bends his Wit to improve the discoveries of his Ancestors, and raise them to their just Perfection.

Now of this Observation, I am of the Mind, there is not again in Na­ture, so clean an Instance as the Gout affords us. The Gout, at first, pass'd for no other but an Evil Spi­rit, which an Exorcising Priest at­tack'd with Charms before ever the Physician fell foul upon him with Poisonous Recipe's. The Physician, purely to force a Trade, impos'd upon the People, That the Gout was a Disease; having cheated them with this false Opinion, he plagu'd them with real Tortures, all which he was pleas'd to Christen by the general Name of Therapeutic Method, in which his barbarous Executions thus follow one another. First Phle­botomy, then Catharties, Emeties, Hypnotics, the — and all; and while the inside of the Poor Patient is thus miserably Rack'd and Con­founded, [Page 25]he dawbs the outside with Anodyne Applications, Unguents, and Cataplasms; and when all is done, I'll give them my Body to Practise on, [tho' I had rather the Executioner had it to dispatch out­right] if plain Cathartic-Gruel, and the Cataplasm of a fresh Cow-turd do not work greater wonders, than any thing they can pretend to. From Germany, nay, from beyond the Alps, they come, with hard Names, Exotic Cant, and Baneful Poison, to allay the Paroxysm, and remove the Procatarxis of the Gout; but, God be thanked, their Practice de­cays, and must do more and more every day, now that it is so plainly discover'd, that the Gout needs no Remedy, not being, in truth and proper speaking, a Disease, but a Soveraign Antidote against the most dangerous Diseases; and therefore People of the best sense are content to let it take its course, and not only so, but they are proud to pub­lish the Satisfaction they take, in one [Page 26]or other advantage, which the Gout affords them. For Instance, as to the Fore-knowledge of Weather: The Gout never twitches their Nerves, but they will be telling o­thers what changes are towards. Now, that which I propose is this, That People should not think it enough to know thus much of the Gout, but study to improve, and increase their knowledge; for, no doubt, more may be made of this Blessing, than ever yet was done by the happy Man that has enjoy'd it longest. I am persuaded, that if the fortunate Patient would be at the pains to observe all the mo­tions of the Gout, in his pinching, smarting, gawling Accesses; in his gnawing, stabbing, burning Pa­roxysms, in his evacuting, tender, remitting Recesses, he might quick­ly come to wind a Storm, so long before, that in a short time, no Ow­ners would think their Ship safe, but with a Gouty Master, nor would any experienc'd Seaman, that want­ed [Page 27]a Ship, offer himself to the Mer­chants, but upon Crutches. Possi­bly here some nice Person may ob­ject, That 'tis a sad thing to be a Cripple; I reply, In Lameness two things are to be consider'd, the un­sightly Gate, and the afflicting Pain. As to the unsightly Gate; Set the Italian Proverb against it;

And Montaign tells us, that the same is said of Men, as well as Women; for the Queen of Ama­zons answer'd the Personable Soy­thian, who courted her to Love, [...], Lame Men make the best Gallants. In that Female Re­publick, to prevent the Dominion of the Males, they lam'd them Arms and Legs in their Infancy, belie­ving that they would be rather the better, for the use which they should make of them thereafter. Montaign gives a Philosophical Reason for the advantage accruing by Lameness, [Page 28]either to Men or Women, viz. The Legs and Thighs not receiving their due Aliment, it falls out, that the Genital Parts above are the ful­ler, better supplyed, and more vigo­rous. 2. As to the Pain proceeding from Lameness. I will not, to diminish that, tell the Objector a long Story from the Reasonings of Aristotle, or the Practice of Cato; but only pray him to consider the lower fort of People, who know little of Example, and mind as little of Precept; Nature is their Guide, and this their fami­liar Practice; they call the Phthisic, says Montaign, a Cough; the Bloo­dy Flux is no more with them than a Loosness; a Pleurisie, but a stitch in the Side; and as they softly Name, so they patiently Endure these Grievances.

If the Mercenary Adversaries of the Gout, the Doctors, have any other Objections against a Bone-Almanac, besides what I have answer'd, let them be publish'd, I will fairly and [Page 29]fully Answer them also, or renounce my Reverence for the Gout.

O that I had an infallible Medicine, which would both certainly and speedily cause the Gout; [Wine and Women are tedious and uncertain ways of purchasing the mighty Bles­sing,] I would not doubt but to make more of it, than ever Daffy did of his Elixir, or any stroling Mountebank of his Nostrum. The Fair for Rider's Almanac, Partridge's Almanac, Al—ch's Almanac, lasts but one Month in the Year; but I might vend Gout-Almanacs, and Bone-Almanacs all the Year round. Here I suspect that the Malevolent Doctors, that get their Living by their mischevious Craft in practi­sing on the Gout, will Object, that all which I have hitherto urg'd in its Commendations, has a very great allay; for tho' it is not Dangerous, yet it is Painful; tho' the Patient has lucid Intervals, yet he has vio­lent Paroxysms; tho' he be a Pro­phet, yet the Spirit, which inspires, [Page 30]rends him. But of these Objectors I would fain know, whether Holy prescious Enthusiasm, be not a fu­rious ungovernable Impulse; whe­ther lucid Intervals, are not more Eligible than a constant, weak, and sullen Light; whether Pain with­out Danger, is not better than Ease without Security? I am of Opinion, that our Compositions are no more able to endure pure and unmixt Felicities, than Semele, the Half­gone Mother of Bacchus, to abide the the warm Congress of the Olym­pic Jove, circled with all his Glo­ries. Yet, to silence Envy it self, the next Step we ascend, we shall see the Gout dealing to his Patients a Benefit, so wondrous, refin'd, plea­sant, and useful, that he must be a very dull Creature, that can seriously think on this, and not passionately wish, deliberately consider it, and not heartily labour, by all honest ways, and means to deserve the Gout.

4. Gouty Persons are most free from the Head-ach; the reason of which is this.

— The heavy Recrements of the Blood and Nervous Juyce always fall downward to the Gouty Joynts. The Nerves of the Head, the Fi­bres and the Membranes, whereof there are many plac'd above and under the Skull; the two Meninges, the Tunicles of the Nerves, the Pe­ricranium, and other Periostia, the Muscles, the Panniculus Carnosus; and lastly, the Skin it self, are all freed from a World of Torment by means of the Medicinal Gout, which attracts, to exteriour remote Parts, vicious Humours of various Deno­minations, and there sets them on Fire, wasts, and Evacuates them. Persons, much favour'd by the Gout, upon every long absence of that best Friend of theirs [whether occasion'd by unknown Accidents, or unwise recourse to the mischievous tam­pering of a wicked Doctor] ex­change their Freedom from the [Page 32]Gout, for Pain more Intense, and Dangerous; but, of all other Pains, they are extremely subject to the Head-ach; something of a Cloud, more or less, always hang over their Brain: But as soon as ever the Gout pleases (forgiving their Ingratitude) to Re-visit them, presently the Weather breaks up, the Nerves are relax'd, the Fibres unmolested, the Membranes and Muscles recover their right Tone; while the ini­micous contesting Particles, thrown off from boiling Blood, and turgid Nervous Juyce, fall down to the remote Parts of the Body; and then the Understanding grows clear, the Thoughts brisk and active; and the Patient is fitted, whatever his Station and Employment is in the World, to do the Duty thereof bet­ter than ever. I have been told of several Sea-Captains [and I have reason to believe the Relator] who, during a Fit of the Gout, happening to meet the Enemy, bestir'd them­selves with a vigour that forgot [Page 33]their Pain, and gave their Order with a steddier Presence of Mind, than ever they were Masters of be­fore. I have the honour to be known to a Person of Quality, who has ob­lig'd the Age with several Instru­ctive Pieces, who never Publish'd a sorry Trifle, nor ever any thing so absolutely Perfect, Useful, and Entertaining, as when he lay under a course of the Gout. Then would He Dictate like an Angel, or, which is much the same, a Man Inspired, to his Ravish'd Amanuensis. That Amanuensis of his, has told me, tho' he lov'd his Master very well, yet he was always sorry for his Recovery; for then his Strength fail'd him, and he was no more than another Writer, I mean a Wri­ter of the First Rate tho'. I know nothing that a Man, when he en­joys the Gout, is unfit for, but Jumping, Running of Races, or Foot-ball. The Amazons, if they are not belyed, coveted to admit Strangers Flagrante Paroxismo. [Page 34]Had Montaign ever met with the MS. whence I have the Notice, he would have giv'n us a Philosophi­cal Reason for it. The Gout be­ing thus beneficial, I bless my self to think, that any Patient should be so much his own Enemy, as to be weary of it; any Doctor so much an Enemy to Mankind, as to offer at the Cure; but Cure it they can't, whatever they pretend, unless they Kill the Patient. For my part, I know no difference in the Earth between a Doctor of Physic and a Tinker, save that the Doctor has more of the Tinker, the Tinker more of the Doctor in him: For, the Tinker effectually Stops that particular Hole which he is hir'd to Stop, tho' he makes two other for't; but the Doctor does but disturb the Gout which he undertakes to Cure; and when the vicious Humours of the Body are not suffer'd to have their course to the exteriour remote Parts, there to be sacrific'd on the Internodial [Page 35]Altars of the Gout, they revert with Fury and Indignation, dan­gerously Assault the Vitals, diffuse their Venom over all the Viscera, corrupt the Stomach, but more especially affect the Head, with vio­lent Pains, which are often fol­low'd by dangerous Swoonings, a Vertigo, a failing of Memory; nay, and sometimes a downright Deli­rium. Thus Physicians Cure their Patients of the Gout! Then doubly Bless'd are the Poor and Needy, who, when they have the Gout, and do not understand their own Happiness, cannot be at the Charge to get rid on't, by a Cure of the Doctors. Nay, beside the mischie­vous consequences of their Med­dling, their very Meddling it self, is a sorer Pain, than the Gout, a thousand times; so that, that Man's Intellectuals must not be right, who would not wish to have his Head­ach Cur'd by the Gout, rather than by the Doctors Methods, i.e. by being Purg'd and Blooded, Cupp'd [Page 36]and Flux'd, Stifled with Spirit of Hartshorn and Soot, drench'd with Cephalic Juleps, and Waters—Cold as those, that extinguish'd the Vi­tal Heat of that Renowned Thrice­Illustrious Heroe, hight Old Simon the King. The Gout's a Specific, a Single, Proper, and Effectual Re­medy for the Head-ach; by a strong Revulsion it attracts Morbific Mat­ter from the Nobler Parts, and ever while you live, say I, keep Pain from your Head, and Sorrow from your Heart. The honest Old Beldame made sport for her Neighbours, when she applyed the Clyster to her Forehead, the part affected: Again, when her Neighbours turn'd up her Blind-side, and play'd the Pipe at her Virgin Avenue, that was a Jest to her: Marry Gap, quoth she, 'tis the upper end that akes, and you give Physic to the lower; but the Clyster was a good Reme­dy for the Head-ach, tho' planted at distance, and so the Gout. How necessary a Friend to the Head, the [Page 37]Medicinal Gout is, keeping it easie, clean, and free from all morbific Matter which disturbs the Brain, we might partly guess, from the subtle Observation of the Famous Confu­cius upon Gonty Persons, which is communicated to us, by one of the Chastest Historians among the vera­cious Emissaries, [for the Chinese are bless'd with the Gout, as well as the Europeans;] It is possible, said that wise Mandarin, for a Lame Gouty Person to be a Knave, even in our own Country have I known some such; but who ever knew a Gouty Cripple that was a Fool? In a Book of that Great Master of Mo­rals and Politics, presented by a Mandarin of Confucius his own Race, to a Learned Jesuite who has en­rich'd the King of France's Library with it, [but I suppose the Book was there reposited, since a certain Person finish'd his Travels,] these farther Remarks are delivered, Na­tural Fools never acquire the Gout, the Sons of Gouty Persons are de­fended [Page 38]from Dulness and Folly by the Sins of their Parents, or if in their Minority their Understandings happen to lie a little backward, they shall no sooner enter on their Gouty Inheritance, but a bright Il­lumination brings the same forward: Whatever a Man's natural Powers are, they are so improv'd by the Gout, so refin'd, so heighthned in the Paroxysm, that I am almost tempted to call it a sort of Natural Inspira­tion. Facile est inventis addere, what the Noble Confucius has ad­mirably well observ'd of the Gout, viz. That it is a perfect Deletory of Folly, prompts me to think, that it would be worth inquiry, whether the Gout is not as effectual against Madness, and we may reasonably believe that it is so, if upon Exami­nation it should be found, that there are no Gouty People in Bedlam; and then for the Recovery of those poor Creatures to their Wits again, it will not need much Consideration, whether they ought not to be excus'd [Page 39]the hard blows which their barbarous Keepers deal them; and the The­rapeutic Method of Purging, Blee­ding, Cupping, Fluxing, Vomiting, Clystering, Juleps, Apozemes, Pow­ders, Confections, Epithemes, and Cataplasms, with which the more barbarous Doctors Torment them; and instead of all their Learned Tor­tures, indulg'd, for a time only, a little Intemperance, as to Wine, or Women, or so; or the Scholar's Delight of Feeding worthily, and Sleeping heartily, whereby they might get the Gout, and then their Madness were cur'd.

Many and great are the Advan­tages which accrue to Mortal Man from the Gout, as cannot but suffi­ciently appear to Your Worship, from what I have, in running haste, observ'd; but far more numerous, and unconceivably vast are the Im­provements, which a Man, worthy of the Gout, and sensible of his Hap­piness, might, with attentive Care, and sedulous Observance, make. [Page 40]Yet I shall not insist on conjectural Topics to do Justice to so effectual a Promoter of the Safety of humane Life; but proceed on those Bene­fits, which are the Objects of Sense; so that, if there be any Person, that shall Think, or Speak ill of the Gout, he must be one, that does not desire, or deserve to Live.

It is a Lofty Heighth, to which I have advanc'd Your Worship; Four steep Ascents you have already climb'd, but the Honour of the Gout, Caput inter nubila condit. Can your Head bear to mount a Fifth? But why do I ask that Question? The Gout it self will enable you.

5. The Gout preserves its Patients from the great Danger of Fevers.

Gouty Persons, by reason of a fixt Dyscrasy of the Blood, are not ob­noxious to Fevers, As they live free from the dreadful Pains of the Head-ach, so likewise, from the scorching Heat of Fevers. Every one knows, that a Fever is a high [Page 41]disorderly Motion, or over-boiling of the Blood, which seldom, or never, happens to Gouty Persons, because the malignant Recrements of the Blood, and Nervous Juyce, which occasion Fevers, are continually de­posited in the Joynts of Gouty Per­sons, are there imprison'd, water'd, and consum'd by the Purging, Hea­ling, Cleansing, Sanative Fire of the burning Gout. There is a Natural Motion, and Heat in the Blood, de­pending partly on its proper Crasis and Constitution [for being com­pos'd of Spirit, Salt, and Sulphur, Principles vigorous and active, it spontaneously grows Turgid and Tumultuous, like Generous Wine in narrow Vessel pent,] and partly to the Ferment implanted in the Heart, which Rarifies the Liquor passing thorugh its Chancls, and and forces it to rise with Efferve­scence frothy. The Preter-natural Ebullition of the Blood, is caus'd either by some Extraneous, Hetero­geneous Mixture, or from the im­moderate [Page 42]Exaltation of its own na­tural Spirit, or Sulphur, which when it happens, presently a high, and quick Pulse follows; the Blood, like a Sulphurous Liquor, taking Fire, diffuses its burning Heat all over the Body.

The vast Sicilian Chasms, which vomit Flaming Heaps of Matter, Sulphurous, and Combustible, what are they, but Nature's Em­blemes of a burning fiery Fever? And when the Poets Fable, That haughty Typhocus, big Eryx, and bold Enceladus, deep buryed in the Earth by angry Jupiter, belch out those Fires, which waste the Coun­try, and fright the Inhabitants, what mean'd they to denote, but the Restlesness of strenuous Heroes [for want of the Gout to withdraw the Feverish Fuel] frying in Flames Merciless, and Destructive?

Methinks I pity the Young, and Healthy, whose Blood flows tem­perately, and never knew disorder; I pity them, I say, not for their [Page 43]present Ease, but because of their imminent Danger. For when a Royal Sun of France blazes, and pe­rishes in Flames Painted by a brave Russel's Masterly Hand; when a vanquish'd Admiral shifts off in Boat Inglorious, a King of equal Valour from a safe Station all the while be­holding the Monsieur's prudent care to preserve a Great Commander; when a haughty Mareschal is beat out of the Strongest Bulwark, that Fenc'd his Master's treacherous Rapine, and, to induce that Master of his for once to keep the Cartel, can, in spight of all his blustering, part with his Sword: When Rebel Invaders are disappointed, and exe­crable Assassines punish'd, at such tempting occasions as these, who can forbear a rightful, lawful, and brim­ful Glass? Yet on so solemn a Festi­val, if the Healthy gives Nature but a Fillip, it may perchance throw him into a Fever, and that Fever perchance cost him his Life; where­as the Man that's obnoxious to the [Page 44]Gout, chearfully ventures the Du­ty of the Day, well-knowing, that when the worst comes to the worst, 'tis but roaring in Purgatory some Forty Days, or so; and by that time the Gout has wasted, and cleans'd off the Tartarous Recrements of undigested Falern, who knows but good News may come to make another Holy-day.

Purgatory, which cleanses the Souls of the departed from their Filth, which sets them out of the Danger of the Lake, and renders them (like burnt Tobacco-pipes) clean and pure, and fit for Para­dise, is a true Picture of the Fire of the Gout, which spends the Morbi­sic Matter, that might otherwise throw the Body into a Hellish Fe­ver. Indeed, Infidels and Heretics may object, and say, that perhaps Purgatory is but a false Story, but no matter for that; for Grave Au­thors teach, that a false Story may be a true Picture, and serve to illu­strate as necessary a Doctrin as that [Page 45]of Purgatory, but in this, I am po­sitive, that neither a false Story, nor a true one, can illustrate a more in­fallible Maxim than this, That the Purging Fires of the Gout withdraw the Fuel, from the destructive Fires of burning Fevers.

Those learned and worthy Au­thors, that write of Devils and Spi­rits, and know the Natures and Or­ders of them as perfectly, as heart can wish, tell us, that there be two sorts of them, White and Black, Good and Bad: So is it certainly with Diseases; the Gout, if it be lawful to call it a Disease, is a good and useful Disease, a White Devil; the Fever, a bad and hurtful Disease, a Black Devil, the Devil of a Dis­ease, or a Disease that is the Devil, whom if ever the Physician casts out, I'll Swear it is by Compact: Whereas the Gout is an honest Fe­brifuge, the Operations thereof Na­tural, and Intelligible, something Painful indeed, but there's no Ma­gic [Page 46]in them. By the way, If the Phy­sician cures or casts out Black Dis­eases or Devils, by Compact with Black Devils, may it not be said to be a double wickedness? For I took it to be the Roman Priest's ungodly Office, with rumbling Exorcisms to eject them; but this is the fault also of other Dealers, there's nothing more common among them than to encroach upon one another's Trade. Could Tyrants inflict Fevers, they would never make use of Rack or Gibbet, Axe, or unrighteous Judge, unless the object of their Fate were an honest Gouty Fellow; for the Gout would soften the feverish In­fliction, as the Popish Printer did his Father Confessor's Pennance, when he boil'd the Pease, which he was requir'd to put in his Shoes before he took his walk. There is not certainly a severe Torment than a Burning Fever, nor a more Sovereign Antidote than the Medi­cinal Gout; so that 'tis a Truth, [Page 47]clear as the Sun, if more People had the Gout, fewer would die of a Fever. Having plac'd these things in so clear a light, I am strongly persuaded, that not Your Worship only, but the generality of the Age will set their prejudices aside, and yield to the happy force of the ma­ny useful Truths, which, by the bright Illumination of a violent Gout-Paroxysm, I have here dis­cover'd; so that hereafter, instead of the Old parting Complements, — Save you, Sir, God keep you in good Health, I question not but we shall say, — The Gout defend you, Sir, God give you the Gout; for we ought not to hope for a Blessing without the means. To wish a Man the Gout, is to wish him that, which with­draws Fuel from Diseases, and pre­serves Life at so cheap a rate, it costs a Man not a Penny more than Patience.

It has been the Opinion of some Writers, that none can be sav'd, [Page 48]who die of the Plague, but in judg­ing of the Future State of others, I think it best to venture being mi­staken on the Charitable side; and therefore I wou'd sooner believe, that none can be Damn'd who have the Gout; and I must tell Your Wor­ship, that I have known a less pro­bable Sign of Salvation giv'n by a Dissenting Rabbi to his Hearers.

When Mercury, by the mighty Power of a Verse, borrow'd from that great Architect Homer, heav'd up the aspiring Mountain Pelion, and pil'd it intire on Heav'n-shouldring Ossa, and then help'd Charon up to the top; the poor old Ferry-man complain'd, That the distance from the Earth was so great, that he could not see what was done there: I am much afraid, Sir, that this up­permost Step of Ascent, on which I am going to Seat Your Worship, that you may have a full view of the amazing Excellence of the Me­dicinal, Useful, Health-restoring, [Page 49]Soul-enliv'ning Gout, will place you at such a vast distance above Terrene Things and Notions, that you will not be able to discern the true proportion of that Benefit which Crowns the Honour of the Gout; at least, not so plainly as I could wish.

6. To Crown the Honour of the Gout, It is not to be Cur'd.

The Gout defies all your Gross Galenical Methods, and all your ex­alted Chymical Preparations; for, the conjunct Causes thereof (as the Learned Willis confesses) lie in parts so very remote, that the Virtues of no Medicines can reach them; and Heaven be praised for it, for why, Sir, would you Cure [as you call it] the Gout, which gives you Pain without Danger, a better taste of Health by an acquaintance with Pain, a knowledge of future things, free­dom from the Head-ach, and from Fevers?

Bless us! That any Man should wish to be rid of the Gout, for want of which he may become obnoxious to Fevers, and Head-ach, be blin­ded in his Understanding, lose the taste of his Health, and the security of his Life. I hope you and I, dear Sir, shall be better advis'd, and to shew that we are so, and at the same time, to set the World a good Example, I hope we shall neither of us ever tamper with the Doctor for the Cure of the Gout, which really and truly is incurable, unless the Pati­ent be to be kill'd; which is what the Doctor's Medicines aim at, per­haps not what He directly aims at himself: For his Heart is chiefly up­on his Fee; his Prayers, that his Pa­tient may neither Die, nor Recover; at least not Die, while he's worth a Penny; but when his last Penny is spent, then the miserable Creature is forsaken, like the Poor Woman in the Gospel, and may Perish for all him, unless Heav'n has a Miracle [Page 51]in store for a Poor Sinner that has been tormented by a nasty D— before his time. But lest I should be thought, in vindication of the Honour of the Gout, too severe a­gainst the Pretenders to Cure it, I shall argue against them, from their own confessions: We may say of e­very Medicaster, whether a College, or a Stage-Doctor, habemus confiten­tem reum; the whole Clan of them are Homicides by their own Confes­sion. Other wicked People put on the Guise of honesty, for the better perpetrating their Crimes; but Phy­sicians own the Roguery of their Art; indeed, to save themselves from public Infamy, they give this softning turn to their scandalous Cause. The Principles of their Art, they say, are difficult to be under­stood, and uncertain to be relied on; and then also the temperament of the Body, on which they Practice, can be but guess'd at; so that, the success of the most Learned Practi­tioner [Page 52]can be but casual. Now, that after this, these Men should be entertain'd, and so general admit­tance giv'n to their Practice, does evi­dently prove, that the generality of Men, when they lose their Health, lose their Wits together with it. I will allow, that it were reasonable for a Sick Man liberally to part with his Guinea's for his Health, if the Doctors, that have their Money in Hand, were sure of restoring Health, or upon failure would refund; but to pay down ready Money for a Lot­tery-Chance, where 'tis great odds but the Adventurer encreases his Malady, and hastens his Death! I, for my part, declare against it, and am persuaded, that no one who con­siders rightly, but would keep his Money and bear his Burthen. A spare and easie Diet shall be always my Physic, and I will leave it to Nature to do her own work. But let us come to some more particular ac­knowledgments of these deadly Ene­mies of Mankind.

Galen, that is still rever'd as a God by Modern Practitioners, ac­knowledges it impossible to find out a Medicine that shall do any great good one way, and not do as much hurt another. The Learned Dr. Hammond fatally experienc'd the truth of this acknowledgment; the Medicine which was prescrib'd him to Cure the Gout, mov'd the Gra­vel from his Kidneys, which being too big to pass the Ureters, choak'd the Channel, and depriv'd him of his Life that way. Cornelius Agrippa tells us of one Rafis, a Physician of Note, who considering the foolish credulity of Patients, and the con­tentious ignorance of Professors in Physic, advised that never above one Doctor should be made use of at a time; giving this reason, Because the mistake of a single Man was less dangerous: And I would advise ne­ver to use any; for, as the mistake of one Man is less dangerous than of a Consult of them, so the having no­thing [Page 54]to do with any one, is less dan­gerous than the mistake of one; for Nature can commit no mistake, but if not loaded with Luxury, nor di­sturb'd with Physic, will vigorously strive to throw off every noxious Disease. Such the Gout is not, for Nature throwing off Morbific Mat­ter to the remoter parts of the Bo­dy, does designedly beget the Gout, and make use of that admirable Re­medy, to Cure Diseases already got­ten, and to prevent others. But it is not meer reason which I rely upon, when I advise Men to trust Nature alone for their Recovery, and ne­ver go to a Physician, I have the greatest Authority to support my advice. 2 Chron. 16.12. Asa in the 39th. Year of his Reign was diseas'd in his Feet [as I am now, which hin­ders me from running to my Com­mentators] but I remember the Phrase of the Septuagint, is [...], his Feet were soft and ten­der [swell'd with the Gout, that [Page 55]must be the meaning] until his Dis­ease [Gout] was exceeding great, yet in his Disease [ [...], in the extreme softness and tender­ness of his Gout] he sought not to the Lord, but to the Physician. I do not see how our Doctors of Phy­sick can evade the force of this Text, in defence of their Profession; for 'tis a very weak and precarious Re­ply, which they make, when they tell us, That Asa is blam'd, not di­rectly for seeking to the Physicians, but for not trusting in the Lord, when he sought to them. Now I will grant these Gentlemen, that it is the duty of Patients, to trust in the Lord, when they seek to the Physicians; nay, it is their Duty to trust in the Lord, then, above any other time; for then they run themselves into those hazards, that, if the Lord does not help them, 'tis odds but they miscarry. But I would have these Physicians, who make but sorry In­terpreters of Scripture, to consider, [Page 56]that the Text sets seeking the Lord, and seeking the Physician, in oppo­sition to one another; plainly enough implying, that the former was his Duty, the latter his Fault. But our Physicians, it seems, would have the Sick seek to the Lord, and them both; as if the Lord could not do his own work without them. Odi profanum Genus. — Hence, Sir, it is plain to me, that they are an Order of Men that Care not much what they say or do, to uphold their own Honour, and keep their ungodly Trade a going: But therefore I would wish all unhealthy People, who have bought their Misery of the Profes­sors; and all honest Gentlemen, who are preserv'd by the Salutary Gout in the Land of the Living, to prefer a Bill in Parliament against this de­structive Order of Men, that by a strong Cathartic Act, they may be Purg'd out of His Majesty's Domi­nions; I will engage that there's never a Family in the Nation, but [Page 57]shall by this means, besides their Health, save their Taxes, so that a vigorous War may be continued against France, till the Monsieur's not worth a Livre, and no body with us ever the Poorer. For such an useful Decree, we are not without a President in History. The Wise Romans, under Marcus Porcius Cato, Banish'd Physicians, not only from Rome, but also from Italy, which Council, it may be reasonably thought, contributed not a little to the increase of their People; for, as where the most Lawyers are, there are the most Quarrels and Contentions; so where the most Phy­sicians, there the most Funerals; and some say, where the most Di­vines, there the most differences about Religion; but that's not the fault of the Divines; for if the Ma­gistrate would let the strongest Par­ty alone, they would force all the rest to be of their Opinion. But I am afraid I forget my self in too [Page 58]long a Digression; what I ought chiefly to insist on, is, the Superla­tive Excellence of the Gout, which is never to be remov'd. The fear of losing a Blessing takes off from the pleasure of enjoying it. Thieves may plunder your House, Age will ruine your Beauty, Envy may asperse your Reputation, Bribes corrupt your Faith, but the Gout is a sure Inheritance; neither Thieves, nor Knaves; neither Time, nor Envy, nor any thing else, can despoil you of it. A Man may, himself, if he has a mind to't, squander his Estate, blemish his comely Form, injure his Fame, and renounce his Honesty; but let him get rid of the Gout if he can; that blessing he may take Comfort in, being secure, that 'tis for his Life. They say, there's more Care and Trouble in keep­ing an Estate, than getting it; as for the Gout, there may be some trouble in getting it, tho' that is mixt with pleasure too, but no Man [Page 59]is put to the least care or trouble for the safe keeping of the Gout; he may endure Misery enough indeed, if he seeks to the Physician for the Cure of it. You cannot be always Young and Handsom; but Gouty once, and Gouty ever; thence came the Proverb, Drink Claret, and have the Gout; and Drink no Claret, and still have it: The Gout, 'tis true, is the Reward of some Works, but there's no forfeiting it, and there­in 'tis preferable to a Crown Im­perial. Possibly a Wise and Wor­thy Person may secure his Virtue again dangerous Temptations, but then he must be always upon his Guard; but let him take as little Care of himself as he pleases, he shall never have the less Gout for his loose way of Living. But possi­bly it may be objected, That the Gout, Curing other Diseases, and not being to be Cur'd it self, be­comes an encouragement to Intem­perance, and Lust. The Lustful, [Page 60]and In temperate Drink, and Love on, reckoning that the Gout will carry off the Evil Consequences of wild Excess, and foolish Passion. Now I will not lye for the Gout, as much as I Honour it: If it were not for this one — abatement, 'twere Physic for an Angel. But, that the Reader may not reproach me for a gross Philosophical Error, I declare, that I do not mean, for the Spiritual Substance of an Angel, for that, I well know, needs no Physic, of one sort, or other; but for the Corporeal Ve­hicle which an Angel may chance to assume; which Vehicle, being rectified by the Gout, may, with less trouble, be actuated by the An­gel.

Sir, I thought to have taken a longer View of the Excellency of the Noble Gout, from this sublime Ascent, which represents it with its greatest advantage, the advantage of being Incurable: But, alas! the violent Paroxysm, which I have la­bour'd [Page 61]under for these three short Days and Nights, abates; the In­tenseness of my Pains considerably remits, and therefore I am forc'd to break off abruptly; for I am sensible, that no Man can do Honour to the Gout by a just and adequate Pane­gvric, but he that at the time of Writing feels it in extremity.