The Mushroom: OR, A SATYR AGAINST Libelling TORIES and Prelatical TANTIVIES: In Answer to A Satyr against Sedition CALLED The Meddal. By the Author of Absalom and Achitophel.

AND HERE ANSWERED By the AVTHOR of the Black Nonconformist.

The Next Day after the Publication of the MEDDAL; To Help the SALE thereof.

Nitimur in vetitum? Quousque?

LONDON, Printed for Fra: Smith Jun. at the Elephant and Castle in Cornhill, M DC LXXXII.

EPISTLE TO THE Tories and Tantivies.
Instead of an Epistle to You—TORIES! I'le onely Preface here with some old Stories.

ABOUT the Year of Our Lord 1218. at Paris in a Synod or Convocation of the Clergy; one that was appointed to Clerum, or preach the Convocation-Ser­mon was put to his Trumps, and much troubled in his Guizard what to say, or what Subject to insist upon:

Whereupon the Devil who always watches to take Men napping, and observing the Preacher, to be melancholly and perplext in mind) appears to him as he sat in a brown-study, and ask'd him why he was so careful what to preach? say thus — quoth the Devil — The Princes of Hell salute You, Oh the Princes and Prelates of the Church, and gladly give you thanks, because that through your default and negligence all Souls go to Hell, &c. And Preacher added he was inforced by the Command of God to declare the same; yea, and a certain Token was given him for a sign, whereby the Convocation might evidently see that he did not lye. Ex. Catal. Illyr fol. 546.

This is somewhat like that Story that Mr. Fox mentions in his Acts and Monuments; of a Letter in the Name of Lucifer; (for so were the first words of the Letter) Luci­fer Prince of Darkness, &c. To the persecuting Prelates of England, &c.

But the true words of the Letter verbatim, (as it was transcribed out of the Register of the Bishop of Hereford (as some think) by William Swinderby, a Protestant Martyr in Rich. 2ds. Time, has these very words, namely —

LUCIFER Prince of Darkness, &c.

TO all our Children of Pride, and Companions of our Kingdom, and especially to our Prin­ces of the Church of this latter Age, and time, &c. send Greeting, &c.

Know yee that in time past certain Vicegerents of Christ, following his steps, &c. in a beggarly Life Converted, in a manner all the world, from the Yoke of our Tyranny &c.

But we seeking remedy for time to come, instead of those Apostles, we have caused ye to be their Successors, which be Prelates of the Church by our great might and subtlety, as Christ said of you, They have reigned, but not by me, &c. once I promised him all the King­doms of the world, &c. but he would not; but to you who are fallen from grace, and [Page 4] serve us in the Earth, is that my promise fulfilled; therefore fill your selves full, and be contrary to those Fathers in your Life and conditions, and exalt your selves above all other men &c fight our quarrel, [...]ntangle your selves in worldly matters &c.

And climb up from the miserable state of poverty to the highest Seat of Honour and Prince­ly Places of Dignity, by wyles and subtlety flattery, lying and perjury, Treason, deceit, and s [...]ony, &c.

And after you are advanced thither where you would he, then either by Violence, Raven­ing or by Ambition subtlely Pelfer away, and wrongfully wrest, and by false Titles possess those goods which should be for the sustentation of the Poor, &c. (Nay) The Devil was in the right on t there, for Tythes were given by the Doners, as much to the Poor as to the Ministers, only the Priests and Deacons were the overseers to distribute it, as need requir­ed; but instead of distributing, they laid hold, and laid hold, and laid hold on the Tythes, that instead of distributing like bishops and Overseers, they bought Coaches, and fared deliciously every day, and he was counted a Special Bishop, that gave the poor, (after his dogs were served) the remaining Pottage, and the scraps to the poor, waiting a morsel at the door, but I'le show (when I have leisure) the bottom of this Mystery of Iniquity, I'le turn it Topsy-turvy, and show you how Covetuousness, Ambition, and Popish Pre­lacy crept into the Church, which made the Devil so grateful to them in this letter of thanks, saying, for so the letter goes on: Consume these goods (Namely Tythes and Glebs that partly belong to the poor, who need no Poor-rates, if they had their Primitive-Rights, I mean, (as the Doners first gave it to them) Consume these goods as your selves list, &c. I would have you to build Palaces, fare like Princes, to eat the daintiest meat, and drink the pleasantest wines, and hoard up Treasure (Devil! this advice is needless, it might have been spared, they can do all these things without thy bidding, of their own Inclination, without thy Temptation! And be not like Peter and Paul (never fear it Devil! who said, Silver and Gold have I none; ye fight for us &c. when Christ called you the Synagogue of Satan we loved you, &c.

For your deserts which contemn the Laws of Simon Peter, and embrace the laws of Si­mon Magus, &c.

Ye have made the House of God, a Den of Thieves, ye make Laws, and keep not the feme, &c,

Ye justifie the wicked for reward, and take away the righteousness of the Righteous from him, &c.

We would also you should do our commendations to our entirely beloved daughters Pride, Deceit, Wrath, Avarice, Belly-chear, Lechery especially, to Lady Simony, who hath made you men and given you such, &c.

And if any man will Preach or teach otherwise then you will have him, oppress ye him vi­olently with Excommunications and Censures, &c. (this was impertinent (Devil) he might have spared this advice also, they can do these things without the Devils tempta­tions fast enough) heaped one upon another; And let him be condemned as a Heretick, or Shismatick, and kept in Prison 'till he dye, for an Example to all such, &c.

As you (Dear Tories) may see the same more at large in Foxes Act and Monuments; and at large in the last Pacquet of Advice last week by the ingenuous Mr. Care.

Reynold Peacock Bishop of Chichester said, that the riches of Bishops are the goods of the poor, and that spiritual persons by the Law of God, ought not to have temporal possessi­ons, and that personal Tythes is not due by Gods Law; that the Universal Church of Rome may err in matters of faith, and that it is not necessary to Salvation, to believe what gene­ral-Councels ordain and determine: These poynts and others to this purpose, he confes­sed he held and taught the space of twenty years; and after the Bishop of Canterbury, and other Bishops set themselves against him, and he was imprisoned during his life.

Which shews their cruelty to the Naked Tauth men, to smother them in all ages, for God has raised up some such in all ages, but the Prelates (for the most part) did their business, which made Aeneas Silvius (who was afterwards Pope of Rome) and wrote the Book of the Council of Basil,) in his Thirty eighth Epistle to Cardinal Iulian, con­cerning these Cardinals, who so magnified the Authority of the Cburch, as if they would spend their lives for the same, and yet slipt home from that Councel of Basil &c. de­ridingly say, that they had rather lose their faith, then their preferment. &c.

[Page 5]And Prosper (ex Illirico) saith — That holy men did not challenge the Church-goods as their own, but as given to the poor, to be divided to all them that have nothing, neither ought they to give any thing to those that have of their own enough, for that is but to cast away things.

Concel. Lateran. Anno Domini 1179. held at Rome by Pope Alexander, and 110 Bishops. It is Decreed, That none of the Clergy within Orders should meddle with any Tempo­ral Business, and that Priests should have but one Benefice; and that Bishops should be charged to maintain such Priests as they did Ordain, &c.

(And not beggar (surely) those Priests Ordained and premoted already, and swallow them up.)

Which made Cardinal Aralatensis say (in the said Council of Basil — That all Bi­shops ought to understand that they come to have greater power than Priests onely by Cu­stom, and not by Dispensation of the truth of God; and that they ought to rule the Church together, for a Priest is the very same that a Bishop is by divine Institution; for there is such a Concordance (saith he) between a Bishop and a Priest; that Paul to Titus calleth Bishops Priests.

And Christ saith, blessed are the poor in spirit; neither was there any rich Bishop in the Primitive Church; neither did the Antient Church reject Dionisius Bishop of Millan, nor Eusehius Bishop of Vercellus, Hillary Bishop of Pictavia, although they were very poor; but if we will grant the naked truth (well spoke Cardinal!) The poor are more apt to give right judgment than the rich; because riches causeth fear lest they should to be taken from them (too true) And Poverty causeth liberty, for

The poor fear no Tyranny as rich men do, who are given over to all kind of vanity, idleness and sloth, and will deny Christ (and Truth) rather than lose their riches;

Not love to the Flock, (for that's too big and numerous for them to feed) but love to the Revenues makes them Bishops.

Iohn Gerson, a Popish Chancellor of Paris, and a great Civilian saith — that the neg­lect to observe that ancient Canon, namely that Bishops should have poor Apparel, Lodg­ing and Diet, and should not strive for Transitory things, but to imitate the Apostles— Hence — Hence — the Root of all mischief in the Church

Also (he saith) their making of Laws such as they have no Authority from God to make, and their enjoyning men by Censures and Excommunications to observe their Laws, their Courts, &c.

Which is the cause of Division, which (he saith) will never be appeas'd (in France) un­til the Heads spiritual be reformed. When Episcopacy first crept into the Earth it was not so inconsistent with Gospel-rule, and they were chosen by the people and Ministers who were to live under their inspection, &c. Yea, Popes themselves were chosen by the People and the Priests, and after confirmed by the Emperour, and were not chosen by Car­dinals and Curtesans as they now are, &c.

By ancient Canons the Bishop ought not to Ordain any without the Councel of the Cle­rgy, and Testimony of the People: Distinct. 70. Tit. Ordinationis. Distinct. 29. quando.

And he shall be no Prince henceforth, whom neither Clergy nor People of his own City hath Elected. Distinct. 64. Tit. si forte — according to Acts 1.23, 24, 25, 26. Acts 6.3.4.6.7.

See more of this Extravag. de Institot. cap. ex frequentibus. Extravagant. de Prescript Tit. 51. diligent, &c. cum omne.

[Page 6]Mr. Henry Stalbridg (our Countreyman) in his Exhortative Epist. printed at Basil, hath these words —

I say yet once again, and that in the zeal of the Lord; as he is my Judg, I wish if his gracious pleasure so were; That first the King's Majesty, and so all those to whom God hath given power and authority on Earth may throughly see and perceive, how that not onely the bloudy Bear and Wolf of Rome, but also the most part of other B— and stout-sturdy Canons of Cathedral-Churches, with other pretty Prowlers, and prestigious Priests of Baal in all Realms of Christendom, especially in — do roar about like Lions, fret like angry Bears,, and like cruel Wolves should enter, not sparing the Flock Acts 20.29.

These Spiritual man-hunters are the very off-spring of Cain, children of Caiaphas, and successors of Simon Magus, as their Doctrine and living declare.

Most cruel Enemies have they been in all ages to the verity of God, and most Fierce Persecutors of Christ and his Church, marvel not ye Bishops and Prelates, (saith he) though I thus in the zeal of Elias and Phineas stomach against your Sturdy stubbornness, for never was any Tyranny ministred upon Christs members but by your procurement; ne­ver did Christ send such bloudy Apostles, and two horned Warriors; But the Devil-vi­car Antichrist sent them, who is deadly destroyer of faithful believers, &c. (And so on at a great rate, which see at large. then)

Consider your beginning, never came you in with your Miters, Robes, and Rings, &c. at the door, as did the poor Apostles, but by the window unrequired, like Robbers, thieves, and Manquellers, with Simon Magus, Marcion, and Menander; never was your Pontifical-Power of our heavenly fathers planting▪ and therefore must be routed up, Mat. 15.13.

If any thing under Heaven need reformation, let them that mind any Godliness (Ay, ay, but where shall we find such) think this to be one; for, if these be not Spiritual Thieves, Soul Murtherers, Hereticks, Schismaticks, Church robbers, Rebels and Traytors to God and Man, where are any to be looked for in the world? ('tis strange that this holy man was not bound to the good behaviour, as some common rogue for this Naked Truth, and plain-deal­ing:) for nothing can they do (saith he) but daily mischief, &c.

And may as well be spared in the Common-wealth (saith he) as Kites, Crows, Buzzards, Polcats, (Bless us!) Rats, Weasels, Otters, (where Was the Proctors, Doctors, and Pro­moters, and Affidavit-men in those dayes, to plague him with their Lawsuites and Actions, and Scandal. Magnat's. Articles, old Statutes, Libels, Oathes, and Writs, Capiasses, Bums, Iaylors, Supplicavits, Silencings, Suspensions, Deprivations, Excommunications, Apparitors, Hangmen, Promoters? &c. But listen he goes on—) Wolves, and Foxes, bodily Fleas, or flesh-Flyes, or other devouring noisome vermin:

—For so long as they sat in the Par— (having before said, I reckon it high time for all Christian-Princes, which pretend to receive the Gospel of Salvation, and to live in peace and tranquillity for ever, to cast the Bishops out of Privy-Councels, and utterly to seclude you from all Administrations, &c. for so long as they sit in the Parl—House, the Gospel shall be kept under, and Christ Persecuted in his faithful members: (Indeed and indeed, no man can do great mischief, except he have great power; for curst-Cows that have short horns may be handled and kept to the Peace, and good Behaviour.)

Take me not here (saith he) that I condemn any Bishop or Priest that is Godly, doing those offices the Scripture commandeth, as Preaching the Gospel, Providing for the Poor, &c.

But against Bloudy Butchers that murder Gods People, and make havock of Christs Con­gregation, to maintain Iewish-Ceremonies, and Paganish-Superstition, in the Christian-Church;

These are not Bishops, but Sheep-biters, Tirants, Tormentors, and the Devils Slaughter-men, and the Devils Slaughter-men—

[Page 7]But such as in Poverty Preach the Gospel, provide for the Poor, rebuke the wicked world of Pride—Idolatry—Hypocrisie— They are not only worthy of Competent living, but worthy of double Honour: But from the inordinate excess of Riches, Priests and Prelates ought of all men to be sequestred (will they not sooner send out sequestrations to beg­gar and starve the Orphans, whom they have bereaved and made Orphans? Desolate and Com­fortless—the Lord reward them according to their works! Consider that the wicked na­ture of Mammon is always to Corrupt, yea, the very Elect of God (when they grew monstrous great) were not more merciful; (saith he.) The Learned and Pious Stalbridge, whose name is yet so precious amongst the Germans and Switzers; (for his learned labours, works, books and naked-truth) and an Honour to his Country, this kingdom of England, and precious to all true English men! But (onley) that he was a Protestant.

Therefore, listen to a Papist or two more.

St. Bernard, and Abbot in his Epist. ad Eugenium Papam. To Pope Eugenius— thus—

For Tythes, Testaments, Administrations, Servitude, Legitimations, and such like (saith St. Bernard to the Pope, and one of the worse of Popes that ever sate, being deprived by a general Council for his damnable and notorious cruelties, villanies, &c.) you went beyond your bounds, when you restrained them) namely, the cognizance of Tythes, Testaments, Administrations, Servitude, Legittimations, or Matrimony, and the like) To your Courts, and without Cae­sar, made laws for things that did belong to Caesar—(as a Tantivie Preacher) in the Temple—upon that Text Give unto Caesar the things which are Caesars, and unto God the things which are Gods—: said—what is Caesars, what things? I answer, Caesar shall have your Goods, your Lands, your VVives, your Children, your All— All is Caesars

But some may say (quoth Tantivee-Preacher fitter to preach at Tyburn than the Temple) If Caesar shall have All, then what shall God have?—I answer (quoth he)

God shall have your Souls—But as for your Bodies, your Lands, your Goods, your Li­vings, your Lives, your Children, and your Wives, They are Caesar's. But listen to St. Ber­nard.

For the Goods, Lands, Livings, Estates of Laymen, and Clerks also, are Caesars charge; (by Caesar he means the Supream Temporal Government, whether Monarchy absolute, or a Repub­lick, or Monarchy mixt (as here in England) Caesars charge and not yours, nor the Prelates. My Kingdom (saith Christ) is not of this World.

If then the Pope, Prelates and Priests, will be the servants of Christ (saith St. Ambrose upon those words, and he was a Popish Prelate too) they must not challenge any worldly King­dom: The Servant is not above his Master: And if the Master deny it, the Servant may not affirm it and usurp it. Souldiers of Christ must not entangle themselves with the affairs this world, much less to make themselves Lords and Iudges of Earthly matters.

You call the Popes (hard names!) Bears! Wolves— and Sherks —.
For miscief (what is
Rocks so called near the Lizard.
(then)—th' Bishop and's Clerks
At the Lands-end of England? those Dire stones
On which — Ships — Men — are lost — Body and Bones?

In all Ages God raised up Naked Truth men, but they were crusht and run down; like the Lord Cobham (Sir Iohn Old Castle) Butcher'd and martyr'd and burnt in Smithfield by the cruelty of Prelates, &c. for Scandal' Magnat' in these slanderous, seditious, scandalous and Heretical Words, namely,—

The will of God is, That Priests being secluded from all worldliness, should conform them­selves to the example of Christ and his Apostles, that is, in Poverty, (oh bloody word! and Scan­dal' Magnat!) and teaching the Scriptures purely, and giving good Example to others, more than any sort of People.

[Page 8]Where (saith he to the Prelates) do ye find in Gods Law, that you should sit in judgment of any Christian-man? But in Annas and Caiaphas that sat thus upon Christ? and upon his Apostles after his Ascension? of whom only have ye taken it, to judge Christ's Members as ye do, since the venom of Iudas was shed into the Church: And by venome (saith he) I mean (your Iudas-Baggs, your great Purses) your Possessions, and Lordships: For then an Angel cryed in the Ayre wo-wo-wo- This day is venom shed into the Church, as your own Churches mention.

Before that time all the Bishops of Rome in a manner were Martyrs, (if it were so now) Misses would not be sought to for a—, then they would say? nolo Episcapari—no­lo Episcopari—I am not ambitious to be a Bishop—Or ambitious of Martyr­dom.) But —since that time; — Popes and Bishops, one hath cursed and poysoned, slain and done much mischief to another: Christ was weak and merciful (Oh dangerous word!) But they are proud and Tyrannical—Christ was poor, but they are rich, &c.

Well! they did his business for him in Smithfield: (more is the pitty, God knows,) amongst Christians too? you`le say,) nay, amongst the Successors of the Apostles, Peter and Paul? Oh Hypocrisy! I hourly expect the fruits of the like rage and cruelty: God enable me to undergo it chearfully, patiently, and couragiously, (as the Lord Cobham did, of whom they said, as now they say of me, for the like Naked-Truth, in declaring their Extortions, Cruelty, and Illegal oppressions) Away—with such a fellow from the earth— for it is not fit that he should live.

Take but one Story more (in good part) and I'le trouble you no more at present, and 'tis from a Papist, a Country-man of our own, an English-Papist, Alexander Fabri­tius, in his Destructorium vitiorum, part. 6. cap. 79. vixit Anno Domini 1420. In these words, viz.

Who are more horribly enthralled to the Devils Servitude, than those who are placed in the sublimity of Honour, Ecclesiastical Fellows, who ought to be the Light of the World, yet where is more abundant Darkness of Vices?

Where more aboundant gaping after Earthly things? then in modern Prelates? who are fatted in both powers, as well Temporal as Spiritual? where is greater Pomp, in all Appen­dixes, yea, and that so much, that having left the Poverty of the Primitive Church, they are now rather to be termed Princes of Provinces, than Pastors of Souls, &c. with aboundance more to this Purpose; which you may see at large (Dear Tantivees!) at your best leisure; so much for this time—from

Your humble Servant E. H.

The Mushroom: OR, A SATYR In Answer to a Satyr against Sedition. Called THE MEDAL.

TIME was (Iohn Laureat) when thy pretty Muse
(Young, plump and Buxome) no man would refuse
Though thou didst poorly Prostitute her store,
And for vile-Pence made her a Hackney-Whore
Against the Laws of Art: (Phoebus is just!)
Her former Lovers does her (now) disgust,
And I, that once in private hugg'd her well,
(Nay sometimes smyl'd at her Achitophel)
I daign'd to kiss her kindly, and to greet
Her lovely Ayres, so charming and so sweet,
(Nay; be not jealous (Iohn!) thou hast no cause,
This was) whilst she within the modest Laws
Of a Trur Poet kept— she's nauseous grown,
Thou needs must blush to own her for thine owne,
If thou hast any grace— she's poor and shent,
He's far from witty that grows Impudent.
Oh! what a silly do thou keepst in vain,
About a Medal thus to break thy Brain?
[Page 10]The Ancient Romans so Renown'd for Wars,
Kept Medals of their Friends and Ancestors;
Art thou Red-letter bred, of hopes from Rome?
Yet against Pictures speakst? from whence they come.
A Satyr once (Satyr's could speak (or) shine)
Why Men did blow their Nayles could not Divine;
Nor why they did their Porrage blow: Was told
One— was to make them— hot— the other— cold.
At which News Satyr set up skut and run,
(As if he had been frighted with a Gun)
How would he run from thee in Naked Truth,
Who blowst both cold and hot from the same mouth?
Thy Stroling-Muse may serve the Bawdy-Stage,
Or a Dull-Ballad, (though she is in age)
Or, serve a Tory when he swears by Book;
But from ingenious Men,—Not one kind look.
Thy Haggard Muse, that us'd to mount the skies
(Grown old) for easie Prey, to Dunghills flyes.
Thy youthful Strumpet (now) Thy old Hagg staynes,
Thy Nodes (Pox on't) have putrify'd thy Brains;
Expect not Davenant's Fate— whose Muse (alone)
Kiss'd the old Bard, even when his Nose was gone,
And (though a Miss, yet) constant as a Wife,
Never forsook him till he left his life,
But hugg'd the wretch when he did noseless lye,
And made him sweetly snivel Melody.
But (Iohn) thy Winter-years 'tis (sadly) seen,
Can not maintain thy Lawrel fresh and green;
It withers every day, This 'tis to use
A Stageing, bawdy, common, Hackney Muse:
Hang her Whore—March her off, lest you should lose
Not only Brains,— she'll get thee by the nose,
And pull it off (perchance) whilst we must say,
This comes (Iohn) of your Whoring, and foul Play,
[...] of his [...]stle to Whiggs.
But the best Iest is this— The Doting Bard
Seems to be shy and Iealous, and afraid,
Lest (Sharp set) Whiggs should steal some of his store,
Or (Needy Grown) borrow his Common Whore,
Courage— Man!— fear it not; I'll be their Bail;
(For Petty Larceny men go not to Jayle)
[Page 11]Shall Whiggs, who have amongst themselves such store,
Filch thy Stale Taplash Droppings, old and sowr▪
Shall Whiggs (base Iealousy!) visit the Stews,
Or, Rob the Spittle for a nasty Muse?
A common, Hackney-Strumpet, that so cheap
Does Prostitute her self to every leap?
Shall Whiggs (the Glory of the City grown,
And of the Kingdom too) that of their own
Are stockt— shall they (when Wit and Wealth combine)
Empty Exchequers Robb— (Tory) like thine?
'Tis Scandalu [...]s Magnat' that a Divine
And modest-Muse should deign to talk with thine:
(A sure proof she has little else to do)
Thank the good Bishop for my presence now.
Fear not my Muse, she is no Plagiary,
None of thy Stock by her shall e'r miscarry:
She is not rich, but yet for Common Pelfe
(Like thine) she needs not seek out of her self:
She has no gawdy Dress, yet clean and smooth,
Not farc't with far-fetch'd Phrases and uncouth;
Her Helicon's not strong, but needs no pains
To bump it up, no Heaveings, no hard straynes,
But easie flows— Phoebe at her Birth befriends her,
Her Modesty (if ought) most recommends her.
Her Sheets are clean, though course; she's a young Bride,
She is no French-Miss, nor yet Frenchify'd:
Young Ladies may her naked Features view,
Yet not (their shame) by guilty-Blushes shew:
Is't not a wonder then a Muse (like mine)
Should stoop so low as to be seen with thine?
With thy old Hackney prostituted Muse,
That does Her self as (long) the Stage abuse?
In Satyrs (too) against Sedition,
Absolom was the last glory she won:
She's lost for ever and forlom, her shame
Is now discover'd— she goes limping, lame:
Poets and Beauty play no After-Game.—
Which the old-Bard (though Pur-blind) does foresee,
And therefore now bespeaks our Charity
[Page 12]In two vile Sonnets prefacing his flawes,
(Penn'd by himself) to wheedle in Applause;
And drill men in— Thus over Doors are set
Papers— Lo! Her's Fair Chambers to be let.
His limping-Verses has the string-halt got,
Some have due length and size and some have not:
In Lincoln-Fieilds have you not Cripples seen
With wooden-legg (th'other of Bone has been,
With our old-noded-Poet thus it fares,
Begging Alms for his Feet (because) not pairs.
Poor Laureat! Thy Bayes are forfeit now,
And better will become some other Brow.
Husbands (in Egypt) when their Wives grow stale,
And Beauty (not by Paint retriev'd) does fail,
For a base living watch upon the Strand
The keen and vigorous Sea-men (when they land,
Eager to fly at all) by Pimping thrives,
And By false praises drill men to their Wives,
Thus— this Stale Bard, the Reader to abuse
By feign'd Applause, turns Pimp to his own Muse.
That we may be enamour'd on her dress,
The Gypsee-Cuckold does her Charmes confess
In loud-lewd Lines premis'd, (Epistle-wise)
Made by Himself, Pandaring in disguise,
That Gentle Readers might kind looks confer
On his Hag-Muse, and be Gallants to Her.
Tapsters with half-wrought Froth thus give a dash
To vend their stale dead-Beer, and sowre Taplash.
If Whiggs be silent, then the Tory says,
They're silenc't— cannot answer Mr. Bays,
(The Poet Laureat) And if we write,
He swears we learn of him how to indite:
Nay, he's— so charitable, we— so poor
His Epist. 6.
He bids us take and welcome of his store—
And, lest our Verses happen to want feet,
He frankly proffers his; and 'tis most meet
We should (in charity accept his proffer now)
For his (like that) has
As p. 6. [...]ice also. 10. p. 11.16. p. 17.19. in his Medal. [...]pist. p. 6.
more than should by two.
And we (poor Blocks) (as our last Refuge too)
Are glad to turn his lines upon him now;
[Page 13]And Satyrize (when our rough Rhymes are trim)
By skill in Satyr only stolen from him.
Thus does the Bladder swell (and puff to boot)
I'll prick it then, and let the Vapour out.
Go— and invent Posies for Rings— or send
Now to condole your late departed friend
And Patroness, the French-Miss, chear her heart
With Praise-Romantick, and thy (Court-like) Art,
Make Hue and Cry after the Bitch that's stoln
Away (as Gazette says) or Dead, or gone,
The White-Bitch lost from Court, at the back-stairs,
Give the Pim—chiff— notice how she fares,
And bring her back, her Marks— is one foul spot
Upon her Loyns, which I had quite forgot:
But, to write Satyrs thou art (now) unfit,
Satyrs too brisk for thy (drawing on) wit.
And though it merits not a look of mine,
I'll treat it fair because (they say) 'tis thine:
Thus Brats found (in rich linnen) at mens doors,
(As being thought to come of no poor Whores)
Though Parish-Charge, yet gentler usage meet
Then other Brats (worse mantled) left i'th' Street.
Muses, like Women, cannot lovely be,
When they divest themselves of Modesty,
How fair and beautiful so e'r they were,
Wickedness is not wit, (for Rhyme) that's clear.
Should All the Nine Court me at once, and say
But one lewd thing, I'd kick the VVhores away.
Whores (that have lost all shame) whose shame is cheat,
Yet (to allure) some shame they'll counterfeit.
But thou (old Bawdy-Bard) quite spoils the sport,
With Prophane Lewdness, sure thou lives at Court.
Say—Is the Air infectious? what's the matter?
Thou (thus) Burlesques all good, and sin dost flatter?
And ridicules all sober, pious Sense,
And Loyalty, except it come from thence:
As if Whiggs could not to their King be true,
Except they Traytors be to God, like you;
[Page 14]And, with their Prayers, Curses interlace:
Base Mungrel-Loyalty with a Ianus-face!
One looks with Smiles upon the King, (How odd?)
The other facing, braving the great God.
One singing Psalms— the other— Curses sing
Damme—ye Dog!—Huzzah!— God bless the King.
For, Praying for the King— that will not do't,
Except Whiggs also curse themselves to boot;
Prizing God and their Souls (what harm) above him;
And loath to damn themselves; (although they love him)
And therefore though the high-flown Torys be
Now at the desperate push of Loyalty.
Willing to shew they love their Prince, How far?
More than their God, or Souls, or Christ— they dare?
Bold Torys— march!— boldly go on— in ill;
Whiggs will not stir a foot, say what you will,
Call it Sedition, or what next does come,
We'll damn for ne'r a Prince in Christendom.
No— get you gone together— go— be gone—
Better be singled by our selves (alone)
Then march with you to Hell for company;
Call it Sedition, Schism, Haeresy.
To the late woes (by which the Land did groan)
Did only th' Sins of Whiggs Contribute? None,
None of the Torys-sins clubb'd, nor conferr'd:
[...].
Yet Charles the First confest— both sides had err'd.
And these Incendiaries are too blame.
To heat the Kingdom thus into a flame:
Must Men (fairly acquit by Law) Agen
Be thus Arraign'd by every Hackney Pen?
When Teagues O Divelly together Plot,
(Though in their Evidence of Truth no Jot:)
When damn'd Suborners yet unpunisht go,
Alas! may we not joy we have 'scap't so?
And when they got their fingers in, they tore
The wounds wide-ope were almost heal'd before.
Behold the ghastly Cicatrizes still!
To rend and tear them ope again is ill.
[Page 15]How does the Market fail? when Lawreats
With Pimping Rhymes are glad to turn Make-bates,
And for to earn his Pension (when he gets it)
Writes Scoundrel-like, without or fear or wit.
Pox! who made Poets Polititians now?
Good Polititians sure are scarce I trow,
Go-Pack— after her Pack— Poets are poor,
So is th' Exchequer, as I said before,
And ne'r the Richer (sure) for a French Whore.
But the French King can pay his debts— go— eat
With him your Meales, he can pay for his Meat
Before Digested, and can buy thee clothes
Not eaten (e'r they'r paid for) up with Mothes.
Our King will little thank such Lawreats,
That think to deck a Crown by being Make-bates;
Judging it wit, in Masquerade, to tell
How Absalom and wise Achitophel
Were wicked (once) two thousand years ago,
And therefore (whom they hate) must still be so:
Poor witless Sophister! Do but turn the Tables,
And play them I know where, thou'lt call them Fables
And yet the Coxcomb did admire his wit,
And Tories call it (still) a Lucky-Hit
And why? for Gods sake why? where ars men's brains?
Fool'd by Romance and by Poetick-Strains?
And whiffled by a dull old Quixot? (Fy-on't)
The VVind-mill of his Brains (he thought) a Gyant.
Thou shows't what true-bred Valour Courtiers have,
Is this Heroick? Hector-like to brave
A man (thou sayst) is Crippled hand and foot,
Bound to the Peace (Hard Hap!) by the fell-Gout:
His Brains (tho') are not Gouty (Iohn!) like thine,
And for a helping-hand (behold!) here's mine.
Courtiers have from my Naked-weapon run,
The women—not;— (what e'er the men have done,)
Follow French-Miss—Be wise—like Rat and Mouse,
That do (by Instinct) fly a Rotten House:
[Page 16]I'le take thy Lawrels from thee (If I list)
An Honour (to my fairer Brow) when mist.
'Tis a day thrown away, (no more!) think I,
Nor more it was, yet— diem perdidi:
Unless it be to make thy Satyr sell
And Tonson Begg'd this Boon, (some may think well)
Thy Satyr (three months Birth) a Cripple came,
This day to hand,—now I return it lame,

POST-SCRIPT.

GOD grant that this Mushrom be not like Ionas (his) Goard, that sprung up in a night and perished in a night—. Mushroom's though they spring up in a night, yet (well drest and Cook'd) are served up, for Daintyes, and last long, notwithstanding their hasty Birth— like this, far from the Authors Library, his Notes, and his Books. And if any man think or say that it is a wonder, if this Book and Verses were com­pos'd and writ in One Day, and sent to the Press, since it would employ the Pen of a ready Writer, or, nimble Scrivener, to Coppy this Book in a Day (it may be so.)

But it is a Truth as certain and stable as the Sun in the Firmament, and which (if need be) the Bookseller, Printer, and others Worthy Citizens, that are privy to it, can avouch, for an Infallible Truth—Deo soli Gloria— When a Divine Hand assists, one (of Despicable, dull, and inconsiderable Parts and Learning) may do wonders, which God usually performs by most weak and unlikely Instruments— Take the advice, (if you be wise) of the great Privy Counsellor, Acts 5.34, 35, 36.37, 38, 39, 40. But (some may say) why was not more time and more Pains bestowed upon so excellent an Argument?

I answer— That this is enough in answer to a foolish Libel; and besides, my Pen is better employed, upon the like Subject and Argument, upon another occa­sion, as the world will perceive very speedily, I had much adoe, to perswade my fancy to throw away or spare a Day upon such an Idle occasion; and with such a Trifler.

But Poetry (like a Miss) is pleasant and delicious now, and then, (in some mens wanton Fancy) but as nauseous as a Wife (is to their liquorish Humours) when made a practise, a Trade, and of constant use.

Thus Aiery Poetry interlac't here and there with weightier matter in Prose, does with the diversity and Lard, willingly charm and bewitch the Readers Eye (like Landskips of Hills and Dales, Woods and Plains) lovely through va­riety.

But 'tis dull, when made a Trade off, and a poor dull Trade, a Rhimer? Tick-Tock, Knock-Block, a meer Chimer.

[Page 18]And therefore though in Poetick Heat, I seem to threaten Dryd—s Laurel, Let him not fear; for none but a Foolish Courtier or some Poor Poet envys this bloaty, swoln, self-conceited, puft up, windy and (therefore) empty Blad­der.

I shall not make a practise of contending with him,— I am none of those Hackney-Rhimers, that (like the Beggars in Poland, and our English Wassals) get Bread by canting Verses; or, like the Ballad-singers, that live by Rhimes; or, like the Fidlers, and Singing-Boys (in Cathedrals) that sing to eat; or like Country-Fellows at Christmas, that sing a Carol for a Christmas Pye; or like the Gypsees, that Pick mens Pockets with Canting; nor shall I (perhaps) hereaf­ter heed him: But, (when he does (being Hired) abuse the Worthies of the Na­tion (because they are so) I shall answer him (as they do) only with contempt and neglect.

Thus, True-bred Lyons stalk and walk on their own way, not heeding nor minding the little Currs that yelp and bark though (Greater) hearten them (or, set them) on.

Surely a Politician and a Divine are scarce Commodities, when we fly for Refuge to Hackney Poets and Hireling Pamphleteers, with their Juniper-Le­ctures of Politicks and Divinity, to instruct the Tantivy Clergy, every Week, against the time that Sunday comes, and to Tutor the Corporations and Coun­try Iustices, and Country Commission-Officers!

What sport is it to see an old Country Iustice (with his eager Chaplain at his Elbow) putting his Barnacles on his nose, (Bless us!) How he gapes and admires when he reads Nat. Thompson, the Addresses in the Gazette, Abhor­rences, Heraclitus, or the Observator?

But, shew him but— Ahsalom and Achitophel— oh— then the man's born mad, there's no holding him, then the Hunts up, (and though in his Dining-Room) how he spends with double mouth, and whoops and hallows (just as he hunts his Doggs when at full Cry) That—That—That—That— Rattle—Towzer,—Bull-Dog—Thunder—That—That— whilst the little Trencher-Chaplain Ecchoes to him, and crys—Amen

But I have more honourable Employment than (like a School-Boy) to Cap Verses— or, to blemish my larger name with that of— Bayes— or Laureat. Only it mov'd my Indignation, as well as Scorn, (when I read the Challenge to the Whiggs p. 6. of his Epistle, and the Bravado extorted from me this nimble check, but just rebuke, for such Arrogance, Opiniatry, and Petulancy, to abate (if possible) his Pride, and the contempt (he seems to have) of the Whiggs, whom the Hackney-Laureat does so magisterially dis­pise at such a rate, that the Tory-Courti [...]rs (poor hearts! They know no bet­ter,) Hugg and admire the (Imbost) Rhodomantade.

Nay, they willingly give him their Iewels and golden Ear-rings (those Few I mean that are left unpawn'd) thus Making as well as Worshiping, and Idolizing the Golden-Calf.

[Page 19]For (like other foolish Bigots) they pay for their worship; beggaring them­selves, poor, though they be and cannot pay (or will not pay) the debts (they owe) to many a poor widdow, oh merciless cruelty, and violence to Iustice and Law, to enrich the shrines of their Craftier Prophet.

Who laughs in his sleeve and smiles at the silly devotion of his zealots, and soft-pated votaries, except he (like some other Prophets, that for a live­ing and lively-hood tell their lies so often [...]till) at last they begin to believe them themselves being willingly fooled into the faith and good opinion of their own (gainful) non-sense, by such a profitable Credulity; their Religion (be­ing) their Trade, as well as their gain.

But how ill does Lawrel become the brow of a Libeller ▪ how unsuitable to the Head?

Thus—Have we not known and seen that Preferment, Titles, Honour, and High-places have been given to some, for no other reason, but (because) villaines, grand villaines, and (therefore) preferred,

To serve a turn (of State) a Renegade,
(That has his Conscience, God and King betrayd)
Sometimes a base Interpreter is made,
Though he an Atheist be in Masquerade;
And in rich robes (through villany) array'd:
Yet, this Apostacy who dare upbraid?
The Villian struts it, and seems not afraid:
Suborners tho' are shown in Cavilcade;
To publish-wrath may liable be made:
Oh▪ then the Villain will for all be payd;
Then where's your gay-Apostate Renegade.

For such new Titles, honour, Preferment, and Places, (got chiefly because the conscience was debauch't and apt to any villany) that an honest man would much rather be hangd then accept off, on so base Terms, being a meer Slave, Puppit; and set up for the feat; and his preferment, or Titles, as odious to all honest men, and men of Honour, as a Rich Turbant on the Head of a Renegade, with which the Fopp proudly Iets, as the Ensign as well as reward of his Apostacy and Villany.

[Page 20] What a blemish is it to a man of so great wit, and sence, to to be so greatly wicked? or for a Laureat (like a Pimp) to talk Bawdy, and write smutty Pro­logues, because the Fops relish nothing that is not such?

Or, for base pelf, to rake up dirt to asperse the glory of most renowned Patri­ots? that hazzard their lives (Hard fate!) to stand in the Gap, and in the fury of a Rageing Tide, with great peril, and hazzard of themselves, their e­states, families; and Posterities, to prevent (if possible) a threatning deluge and inundation: I know it (to my cost) And when by the Almighty arme their Innocence and their lives (from the man-catchers) are fairly acquit, and proved Innocent upon tryal, and by law redeemed: Are we not at a fine pass, when their Honours, and fame shall be arraiged again at the Tribunal of every rascally Scribler, paultry Libeller, witless Satyr, and silly Pamphleteer?

Who live (like Gold-finders) by dealing in Privyes and Iaques, and make it their office to be the Kingdoms Scavengers, raking up dirt and dung, and then malepertly throwing it at every one that stands in the way of their dunghil designes, and shameful s [...]am-Plots.

'Tis true; a Hangman is a necessary utensil of State, but there are Rogues e­now for the work, to make a noose, and burn men in the hand, brand and stigmatize; an office much below a man of Honour or Wit.

FINIS.

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