A Projector in generall,
IS a creature whose Genus is animal, and differencia Rationale; onely hee is like cursed Cain: Ens projectum, that is a thing cast off all honest mens societies: hee is quoad a man rationalis, and quatenus projector superationalis, his fine wit transcending his honest reason: and as worke of Supererogation replenishing him with a main propension, to undoe others to enrich himselfe. He is an Ubiquitary, being at [Page] one time in every place, till all places be weary of him. A Centimanus in his touch, and an Argus in his sight, though there hee participate of the Basiliskes nature, killing all hee looks on first. He is the Egyptian Frog, that creeps into every mans dwelling, nay into his dish, and sometimes into mens beds, for often he has beene given to Venerie, and invaded mens wives. To conclude, he is every thing but what he should bee, Honest: And is the Genus Generalissimum of a Knave.
Furthermore, as some of the Modernes affirme, He is a Mongrill by birth: His Father was an Hittite, and his Mother an Amorite. His Education in his youth was with a Poet, and by him infected with strange raptures, and whimsies, which hee strives to put in practice, and calls them Projects: his riper yeares were corrupted [Page] with the abominable termes of Lawyers Lattin, and Pedlers French. His actions at the first view speake him honest, and politicke; but the end he aimes at proves him the cleane contrary way. Hee is in his discourse a Gymnosophist, by Religion a Bannian, and in his Faith an Alchymist.
He is the winter Fowle that know their seasons, and you may find as many Projecters in Parliament time, as Woodcocks in Summer: of all Professions, a Baud, a Pimpe, a pander, and a Projector, hate to be called by their proper names, although they love their Trades.
Hee is one that hath alwayes more money in his mouth, than in his purse, and feedes as heartily upon his Aicry hopes, as the newes Mongers in Pauls upon Duke Humphreyes Cates. [Page] Hee is one that is wiser in his owne conceit than the Privie Councell, can reforme a Common-wealth better than a Parliament: you may read all the penall Statutes, if his tongue chance to peepe out of his mouth: onely he makes a quaere, and demurres upon primo Hen. 8. where his predecessors Empson and Dudley were honoured with a Hempen Garland, and conclude, that Session to bee Apocrypha, yet makes his bragges in the vulgar, how they suffered for the Common-wealth, and deserve to bee stiled Martyrs.
Hee is made all of Cringes and Complements, as if he dropt out of the Docke of a Courtier, and can change himselfe into as many shapes as Painters can doe colours, either a decayed Merchant, a broken Citizen, a silent Minister, an old maym'd [Page] Captaine, a forejudged Atturney, a busie Soliciter, a crop-car'd Informer, a pick-thanke Pettyfogger, or a nimble pac'd Northerne Tike, that hath more wit than honestie.
These are the men that make the bravest Projectors, who in short time may bee dignified with the title of Knight of the Post, or Canker Generall of the Commonwealth.
He will pinguisie all manner of Pullen, with Carrots and Turnips, fatten all foure footed beasts without Hay, or Grasse, or any manner of Graine, make bread of Pumpions, and Cucumbers, and will finde the Guard Beefe and Brues for God a mercy, till their bellies crack; and victuall the King an Army without meat, and take all the Scots in a pursuit, if they Rebell.
[Page]Hee is an excellent Architecture, hee will pull downe White-hall, and build the King a new Palace, to which the banqueting house shall bee but halfe the Porters lodge, and at his owne cost, if the King will not give him leave, hee would turne an hospitall into a Court, and annexe the Savoy to Sommerset house, if the Dutchy were not betweene them, and then all the poore people may be admitted in Forma Pauperis to seek their Iodgings without certificate of the Parish. Hee is the onely imitator of Guido Vaux his darke Lanthorne, and by it, hath made a device to convey people above ground that shall see every body, and no man see them, with the helpe of two footed beasts, and hath jugled into credit with a strange name and call it a Sedan.
He will turne all Waggons, Carts, [Page] and Coaches into the nature of Wind-mills, to saile to the Stages for the benefit of the Kingdome in sparing horse-flesh in the warres, and to that intent hath got a Patent to make wooden horses, fit for Brewers, Butchers, Maulters, and Carriers that shall doe as good service, as if they were alive, carry burthens, and fast much longer.
Hee is one that scrapes up a living in this world, though hee be put out of possession in the next; and hath crept neatly into the favour of the Clergie, by advancing the returne of the whole Kingdome a third part, whereby their tythes are increased more than ever.
Hee can saile thorow London Bridge against wind and Tide, cleare the Thames from Sands and Shelves; weigh up all Wracks, though in the [Page] bottome of the Sea, and fifty fat home under water, blow up the enemy with fire: if you seeme to doubt any of these Projects, hee hugges himselfe with conceit of your ignorance, and his owne wit: if you question him, his answer is; This age is a cherisher of Arts, and new Inventions, the former dull and heavie, that these times are active, as may appear by the draining of the Fens, building of Townes, and Churches, repairing of Pauls, his Majesties expedition to Yorke, and conceludes, Nihil est quod non Solertia vinea [...].
To say truth, he is a man of knowledge, very great in knavery; hee is well read in deceit of all Trades; hee knowes how to dye silke to make it weigh heavy: hee knowes, that divers forts of wooll mixt together, will [Page] never cotten well, to make good Demicasters: he knowes those Malsters are knaves that make a Bushell of Barly pute above nine in Mault; and I protest in good earnest, he doth deserve wel, if he can cast out the beams of his owne eye, that he may see the clearer to make themselves honest men.
He is neither foole nor Physitian, yet undertakes to reforme all abuses in the body politick with these three words, Carollus Dei Gratia: like Scale the Mountebanke, that cures all diseases with one powder: Hee is a great Traveller through England and Wales; but dares not peep in Scotland, untill the King goe in person: hee is or would bee a man of Government, for hee desires all things to goe according to his will, which he suspects to be reason: He discourses much of the [Page] danger of the times, and fortifieth his arguments with old wives Tales, and believes them to be prophesies, as Lincolne was, London is, and Yorke shall bee; and by opinion of his deeper insight in State affaires, hath frighted a company of silly Citizens out of their houses and estates from London to Yorke, in hope to be rich, and will make them a Corporation free of Suburbs.
He is one that thinks he can cozen the Devill, for hee will VVire draw the Covetous, and worme the Usurer of their estates for hope of gaine; they will drop all three into a hangmans budget, if my Art doe not cousen me: Hee is a rare extracter of the quintences of Beere, Ale, VVine, Tobacco, Mault, Bricke-tiles, Sope, Starch, Allome, Cards, Dice, and Tapsters, cum multis aliis; the pure [Page] Spirit gat by imposing a fine, and an annuall rent upon those that take Patents to sell them, and suffer others to sell them for nothing.
Hee is one whose Arse makes buttons by the Bushell at the noyse of a Parliament, more than the Scots do at the noyse of English Drummes, and hath wrought under hand with Seminaries and Jesuites like a Mole, to set dissention betweene the two Kingdomes, on purpose that hee avoyd a Parliament, and hath gotten a Patent or Grant of all the Blew Bonnets that are taken in the first battell; but meanes not to be there himselfe, but stay behind, and engrosse all the Carrots and Parsnips that comes to London, to make Dildoes for the Citizens wives, old maidens, and poore whores that staid behind the Progresse.
[Page] Now you have heard of his life, pray listen to his death.
He fell sicke of scouring at Reference, founded at a Certificate, lay in trance at Mr. Aturney, and recovering, fell into a relapse at the Privie Seale, where hee dreamed of Angels ascending, and descending, but waking, found not his Patent sealed, dyed with an obstructing or stopping at the great Seale, and made no VVill, as his predecessors did. Onely you shall heare his Epitaph.
Now Gentlemen, you have had a sufficient Character of him in generall; we will descend to examine his particulars: and first of the Wine-Proiectors,
ARe Creatures that should seem to bee compounded of Sack and Clarret; Sacke being their matter, and Clarret their forme: the excise which they have laid upon either, being the union that cements together. Friends they appeared to the Vinteners: indeed some of them are supposed to have beene so: because by patent they sought to inhance reckonings, and by licence to [Page] cheat their customers. But now they are runne to the Lees, and shortly will be searcely vendable to Aquaevita makers.
The Wine-licence Farmers, and undertakers,
Were maine appendixes to that Apocryphall book, the Projectors: the Projectors serving as the Text, and they Comments in the Margent: They were Cubs, which when the old Beares had lickt into Forme, became more ravenous beasts than themselves, and now their designe being blinde, 'tis like themselves, fit for no other exercises, but to bee whipt: which if they scape, they fare better than tis supposed their principalls will doe, who may chance meet a worse punishment: the Countrie [Page] cries out of these, the City of them, the whole Kingdom of both: these last by licence, farming their owne ruines, and undertaking their perpetuall infamies.
The Tobacco Proiectors,
Are great foes to Plantations: St. Christophers has curst them, and 'tis thought they would have received a defiance from al the Summer Islands, had they not now falne in a civill Duell at home. Most gentlemen tooke them in snuffe: nay, some had a project upon their bodies, viz. to beate them to sneezing powder, and transport them into Ireland. The Countrie Ale-wives curses has seased them, for 'tis thought, their Roll is rotten, and their pricke Tobacco even in the pipe putrified: so that they [Page] will bee smoaked themselves.
The Salt Proiectors,
VVere great powdred Beefe Eaters, betwixt Nant witch and Stone, begot in a Salt pan: their scene was the whole Kingdome. In every part of which, they stoutly acted their well seasoned Interlude, which now at last is proved the Tragedie of the Actors themselves, who like poore Iohn are powdered up themselves.
The Ragge-Proiectors,
VVere extracted from Dung-hills, the out-casts of a Brokers Fripperie. In Long Lane they tooke their originals, and 'tis believed their endings will be in Houndsditch.
The Card Proiectors,
Were begot by the knave of Clubs, upon the Queene of Spades, and fostred in a gaming house: at a long set at Mawe they first atchieved wealth, and lost it agen at the same; the Ace of Trumps being taken by the Ace of Hearts: and now the whole bunch of them are all like their parents, Coat Cards, viz. proclaimed knaves.
The Butter Proiectors,
VVere people that loved meat well, and now they are like to pay for the sawce, Cattell of a soft disposition; and like May-butter, are all melted in the Sunne.
The Soap Proiectors,
VVere great enemies to clean Linnen, though they appeare friends. Their confection of Lime and Ashes being opposite to its owne Colour, it would not wash white. Their Author was a Lawyer: all whose linnen were like his Terme bagges, blacke Buckram, and so needed no scouring; they are now growne so foule, a field of Brooms will not sweep them cleane: though now thanke heaven they are swept away themselves.
The Coale Proiectors,
VVere of a hot constitution, abhor'd good fires here, because they were sure of a large one hereafter. Their consciences were like their [Page] Coale-pits, deepe, and ful of darknesse in which they desired to continue, for they would admit of no firelight, but such as was dearely paid for, fortie shillings a Chaldron being a charitable price for their farre fet Fuell; which though deare bought was hardly good for Ladies: They were meere Salamanders, that though liv'd by fire themselves could hardly afford it others, having a desire to reduce the world to a Chaos, and make all the yeare winter: But like Haman hang'd on his owne Gallowes, their owne Coales has confum'd them almost to ashes, and the pit which they digged for others, they are like to fall into themselves; where we let them rest till they have cool'd their fingers ends.
The Corporation Proiectors.
Were persons that lov'd civill government well, as it seemed, for they sought by Patent to make the whole Suburbs live under rule, to create every Forrainer a free Denison, though many sold their beds; And more to purchase their infranchisements made all their moveables inthral'd to the Brokers. The City Charter was of no force with them; for Westminster and the Hamlets three mile about, by his power bade defiance to London. They had Justice on their side, and feared not to annihilate the Law, which has now light upon them, and the Citie Hangman expects to give some of them their Exit at [Page] Tiburne; where, with the rest of their brethren, they will as wee hope make a joyfull ending, as it is imagined they have deserv'd.