HOGS CARACTER OF A PROJECTOR.

WHEREIN IS DISCIPHERED The manner and shape of that Vermine.

With some other witty conceits unhap­pily falling out in these distracted times, in the Kingdom of England, and Ireland.

And in Relation to a Book lately Prin­ted, Intituled PIGS CORANTOE, or News from the North, being neer Alliance the one to the other; and therefore thought good to joyn them together for the better satisfa­ction of divers.

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LONDON, Printed for G. Tomlinson, July 15. 1642.

HOGS CARACTER OF A PROIECTOR.

HE is a Mongrill by birth, his father was an Hit­tite, his mother was an Amorite; his educati­on in his youth was with a Poer, and by him infected with strange raptures and whimsees, which he strives to put in practise, and calls them Projectors. His riper years were corrupted with the abominable termes of Lawyers latine, and Pedlers french; His actions at the first spake him honest and politique, but the ends he ayms at, proves himself the clean contrary way. He is in his discourse a Gimnosophist, by religion a Bannion, and in his faith an Alcumist.

He is a maker of Newes, aswell as of new invention, and for the most part happy in his proceedings; for which one and the same devise, he can both tickle the ears of the King, and the purses of the Commons; he fears not the Devill so much, as a reference to them that love their Countrey; nor God so well as a good certificate from a Time-observer.

His eye, observes Master Atturney, as Banks his Horse doth his Master, and after long waiting like a Spaniell, with expence both of money and brains, he is rewarded as they feed Apes, with a bit and a knock.

[Page 2] He is like the winter foule that knows their seasons; and you shall finde as many Projectors in Parliament [...] Woodcocks in Summer: And of all profesions, a [...], a Pimpe, a Cobler, and a Projector, hate to be call'd by their proper names, though they love their trades.

He is the only Corn-cutter of the times, his greatest fault only is the unsteadinesse of his hand, which makes incision into the quicke, when it should but paire away the dead­flesh: His wit is to search out the abuses of the rimes an [...] laugh to at them that simply thinks he intends to amennd[?] them. His Master-peece is to propose the [...] of Reformation, caught in such terms, as might take the igno­rant with applause, for all his pretences are preten [...]ed to the benefit of the King, the good of the Common-wealth, and the employment of 1000 of poor people; but [...]ood man Never, thinks of any benefit for himselfe.

He is one that alwaies hath more mony in his mouth then in his purfe, and feeds as heartily upon his Aiery hopes, as the News-mongers in Pauls upon Duke Humphreys Cates

He is one that is wiser in his own conceit then the Privie-Councell, and can refine a Common-wealth, better then a Parliament: You may read all the Poenall Statutes, if his tongue do but chance to peepe out of his mouth, onely he makes a quere, and demurrs upon primo[?] Henry the eighth: where his Predecessours, Empson, and Dudley were both ho­noured with a hempton galland, and concludes that Sessi­on to be Apocrapha; yet makes his brags to the vulgar, that they died for the good of the Common-wealth, and deserve to be stiled Martyrs. He is made all of Cringes and Complements, as though he dropt out of the docke of a Courtier; he can change himselfe into as many shapes, as Protaeus can do colours, either a decaied Merchant, a broken Citizen, a silent Minister, afore-judgd Atturney, [Page 3] a busy Solliciter, a cropeard Informer, pickthank Pettifog­ger, or a Northren Tick that hath more wit then honesty, and these are your onlyest men that makes your bravest Projectors, who in short time may be dignified with the Title of the Pest, or Canker generall of the Common­wealth.

He is the onlyest executioner of summum sui[?], and so conse­quently must be the maintainer of [...]uma funiria: He is one of the chief undertakers of improbabilities, or rather of im­possibilities in this age.

He will puinguifie all manner of Pullen, with Parsnips and Turnips, fatten all manner of four footed beasts without. either grasse, hay, or any kinde of grain[?] ▪ make bread of Pumpions and Cowcumbers, and will finde the guard Beefe and Brewis, till their bellies crack for God-amercy, and wil victual the King an Army without meat, and take all the Irish in a pu [...]se-ne [...] that rebell.

He is an excellent Architector he will pull down White-Hall, and build the King a a Pallace to which the Banqetting-house shall be but half the Porrters Lodge, and all at his own cost and charges if the King will but give him leave.

He will turn an [...]spitall Courtand [...]he Sa­voy to Sommerset-house if the Dutchy were not between, and then the poor people may be admitted in forma pauperis, to seek their lodgings without a certificate from their parish.

He is the only immitator of Guido Faux and his dark lant­horne, and by it hath made a device to convey people above groud that see every body and none see them, with the help of two-footed beasts, and hath jugled it into credit with a strange name called a Sedan.

He will turn all Wagons, Carts, and Coaches, into the manner of Wind-mills, to saile to their stages for the bene­fit of the Kingdom, in sparing Horse-flesh for the Warres [Page 4] and to that intent hath got a Patent to make wooden horses fit for Brewers, Butchers, Maulsters, and Carriers, that shall do as good service as if they were alive, carry greater bur­thens[?], and fast much longer.

He was borne under the signe of Aquarius, and hath an Art to convey himself like a Dive-dopper, from Gravesend, to Amsterdam, to reconcile all Religions there, and make them of one opinion. But Hogge[?] had rather he would go into Ireland, and appeale them there; for it is no true Re­ligion to rebell against their Prince.

He can sayle against winde and tyde through London­bridge, cleer the thames of shelves and sands, weigh up all wracks though in the bottome of the Sea, and fifty fathome under water, blow up the enemy with fire.

If you seem to mis-doubt these, he hugs himselfe with conceit of your ignorance, and his own wit. If you question him, his answer is, this Age is a cherisher of Arts and new inventions, the former dull and heavy. That these times are active, as appears by the Drayning of the Fenns[?], build­ing of Towns and Churches[?], repairing of Pauls, His Maje­sties expedition into the North, and concludes Nihil est quod [...] solecta vincat. He is a buie [...]ody that gets small thanks for his labour; yet to say truth, he is a man hath very great knowledge in knavery, and knowes the mistery of all Trades.

He knowes how to dye silke to make it weigh heavie, he knowes that divers sorts of Wooll mixed together, will ne­ver cotten well to make good Demicasters.

He knowes those Maulsters are knaves, that make eight bushels of Barly, yeeld above nine in Mault; and I protest in good earnest, he doth deserve well, if he could pluck out the beam of his eye, that he might see the clearer to make them honest men.

[Page 5] He is neither Fool nor Physician, yet undertakes to reform all abuses in the body Politique, with these 3. words Carolus Dei gracia, &c. like Scotto the Montebanke, that cures all diseases with one powder; he is a great traveller in England and Wales, but dares not go into Ireland with his projects.

He is or would be a man of great government, for he desires all things might go according to his will, which he suspects [...] be reasons: He discourses much of the dangers, and forte­fi [...] his reasons with old wives tales, which he beleeves to be Prophesies, as Lincoln was, London is, and Yorke shall be, and one of the deep [...] affair, he frighted a com­pany of silly Citizens out of their House and Estates here at London to Yorke, hoping to be rich, and will make them a Corporation there free of the Suburbs.

He is a rare extractor of Quintissences, he will draw from the dregs and essence of Bear, Ale, Wine, Tobacco, Brick, Tyles, Sope, Starch, Allome, Cards, Dice, and Lobsters, Cum multis aliis, the pure spirit of gold, by imposing a fine[?] and an Annuall rent upon those that take Pattents[?] to sell them, and suffer others to sell for nothing.

He is one whose Arse makes buttons by bushells at the noise of a Parliament, more then the Irish do at the sound of English drumes.

[...] be taken in the first battaile, but dares not go himself, but stayes behinde for to ingrose all the Parsnips and Carrets that comes to London to make Dildoes for Citizens wives, old maddams[?], and poor whores that are left behinde.

Now you have heard the progresse of his life; pray listen to his death: He fell sick of a scouring, at a Reference, founded[?] at a Certificate, lay in a Trance at Master Attur­neys, and recovering, fell into a relaspe, where he dreampt of Angels ascending and descending, but waking found not [Page 6] his Patent sealed, he died of an obstructional[?] stopping [...] the Great Seale, and made no Will as his Predecesso [...] did.

Onely you shall heare his Funerall.

He was buried in Pompe, the Companies of London going before, and the Corporations he had made, and the Countrey and Suburbs behinde. He was carried from the Temple-walks without Heralds to the Devill and St. Dun­stons, where he lyes Interred, hoping to be saved by Apollo.

FINIS.

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