Paradoxical ASSERTIONS AND Philosophical PROBLEMS. Full of Delight and Recreation for all Ladies and Youthful Fancies.



Lucret. lib. 1.
Ne mea dona tibi, studio dispôsta fideli,
Intellecta priùs quàm sint, contempta relinquas.

London, Printed by R. W. and are to be sold by Charles Webb, at the Bores-Head in St. Pauls Church-yard, 1659.

To my Honoured Friend, Thomas Norton in Black-Friers, D. D. P.


THese following Paradoxi­cal Assertions, long since written by the Authour for his Youthful Pastime and Delight, are now made publique for the Recreation of others also. The great Friendship you have had and still preserve with the Au­thor, [Page] may make a just Claim for you to any of his performances. But though your modesty will not challenge a priority of Dedicati­on, nor do these Joco-seria of his need any Patronage: Yet that Kindeness and Humanity which for his sake you have freely ex­pressed to me, is of it self without other respects, sufficient to em­bolden me to this presumption, and to subscribe my self,

Your very obliged Servant at your command, R. W.


In the Paradoxicall Assertions.

PAge 33. line. 21. read Scars. p. 34. l. 16. r. Correctors. p. 41. l. 24. r. interre. p. 46. l. 3. r. habens. p. 48. l. 7. r. We see. p. 50 l. 22. r. Ferdinand. p. 52. l. 26. r. Calphurina. p. 53. l. 2. r. Tana­quils. p. 54. l. 7. r. Messalina. p. 55. l. 2. r. unicam. p. 61. l. 19. r. Lunacy. p. 71. l. ult. r. imperitarint.

In the table of the Problems, read Botanick, & Hermetick.

In the Problems, pag. 2. l. 11. r. Sterquilinious. p. 7. l. 7. r. renverse. p. 14. l, 12. r. the cool Stones. p. 24. l. 9. r. Botanick. p 25. l. 17. r. Botanist. p. 27. l. 6. r. to. p. 33. l. 8. r. Change, Burse, or Coffy-houses.

The Contents of the …


  • THat Women ought to Preach as well as Men.
  • That there are more Worlds then one.
  • That Physicall Purgations kill more then they cure.
  • That there is no pleasure in the Coition with a Mans own Wife.
  • That frequent Fires in a Metropolis to consume the dwelling Houses are necessary.
  • That next to a Man the Louse is the noblest Crea­ture.
  • That the famous Art of Printing is the worst that ever was invented.
  • That Imprisonment is better then Liberty.
  • That Kings ought not to have Monuments.
  • That he that hath but one Eye sees better, farther, and more, then he that hath two Eyes.
  • [Page]That Women should follow the Camp.
  • That Constancy to one Messalina, is a Solecism in Nature, and a greater sin then Fornication with many.
  • That the deepest Scholars are the shallowest Asses.
  • That he that hath no Enemies is most miserable.
  • That it is better to be the Head of a Private House, then the Tail of a Noble Family.

Paradoxical Assertion 1.

Concionari tàm Faeminis quàm Viris licitum. That Women ought to preach as well as Men.

IT were a hard Chapter to impose Silence on Women; or to say more plainly, 'twere mad­ness to think they can be Pythagoreans, un­less Pythagora's Soul by his way of Trans­migration could creep into, and masculate their Female Bodies. Nay, it might be thought re­pugnant to Reason also, to suppose that Woman, who are flesh and Blood, as Men are, should be as mute as Fishes.

Aesops demure Cat transformed into a Wo­man, so soon as a Mouse appeared, forgot her new Nature, and instantly meawed: so let but a Que­stion be started in the Parliament of Women, and 'tis an even lay, they'l all be Speakers. Well then, that they may make use of their Tongues, the most agil and best member they have, and for that very purpose given them, must be by all allowed fit, since they never took Hippocrates his Oath, nor [Page 2] indeed could ever any yet oblige them Silence. For if the Tongue be the proper Instrument of Rhetorick to exhort and work upon the Heárts and Ears of any Auditory, why not the Tongue of a Woman, who is the perfection of Mankinde; whose majestick Eyes command Attention, whose smiling attractive looks win and charm the Affe­ctions; whose smooth and stately Foreheads seem to awe men into obedience; whose Lips (which are the doors of Eloquence) breathe no­thing but Harmony: and in fine, whose Angelick Faces, speak both Peace, Hope, Joy, and Happi­ness, even when they themselves are most silent?

But you'l object, that though the power of their Rhetorical and Harmonious Countenances is really effective to dehort or animate, disswade or captivate their attentive Auditors, and draw all their eyes and hearts together, as it were, into a purse-net, yet are they scarce fit to meddle in Sacred affairs, or of capacity enough to preach, expound, and set forth the deep mysteries of Di­vinity You'l farther object perhaps, that they are ignorant, by reason they have not studied or seen the Academies, nor conversed so much with learned men, whose rational Discourses might have better instructed them.

To this I answer, They are of the long Robe also, and spend most of their time in dressing their Heads especially, and that there are few wise Wo­men, [Page 3] but do converse with men, and that fre­quently; either by traversing Cases of Conscience when that pricks them, or opening the case when full of intricacy, or by displaying the Body of Divinity, in orderly spreading the Limbs, and di­viding each part of the Text, and handling each natural member thereof with as much dexterity and cunning as can be desired. As for Controver­sies, who more versed in them then they? For Schooling, School-Points, and moot questions, who more studied in them then they? And as for De­grees, though they commence not from, or amongst the Muses, who are all Female too) yet in all publick places, who minde, study or take them more, or who observe more their degrees of gradual preheminence? Nay, as some of the Disciples vainly questioned amongst themselves, who should be greatest in Heaven? So no doubt but they believe or hope at least, that their He­ralds will marshal and place them according to their Husbands ranks and qualities in the other world also: That they are honourable and worthy of their degrees is undeniable; onely whether they have arrived to a competent degree of Learning, is the Dispute now in question

And I pray who need doubt it? their first Mo­ther Eve did eat of the Tree of Knowledge, and that same Knowledge hath been as it were ex▪tra­duce, derived from her, attributed to, and propa­gated [Page 4] in that cunning Sex particularly ever since.

Indeed in this learned Age who is ignorant? Where so many Teachers are, who can want knowledge? When Lay-men do preach, why not Lay-women? when blue Aprons can hold forth, why ought not the white Aprons, those gentle flags of Peace and Innocency be set up and dis­played? Examine their occult qualities, and you will soon acknowledge, that who ever bears the Bell away, yet they will ever carry the Clapper, which speaks for their interiour parts, and ever proclaims them most worthy. Weigh but their deep knowledge in Naturals, their profound ex­perience in Physick and Metaphysicks, and set Solo­lomon aside, (who got his wisest knowledge too, as may be presumed, by his frequent converse with that Sex) you shall finde more wit and cunning in some Women, then you shall perceive in most Men. For observe it, besides him, and those few that came out of the East, how few wise men are recorded in the Scriptures? But for wise and holy Women, how many?

Again, if Witches (who are generally reputed wise Women) may fill up the number, (though Holy Writ mentions but one famous, that of En­dor) yet with how many such Sages doth this lat­ter and wiser Age swarm, even to amazement? And in holy Story how many Prophetesses were there? I dare say, far exceeding the number of [Page 5] the Prophets, the small ones and all put together.

But what need I look so far back? Though Epiphanius upbraided Marcion, that he suffered Women to baptize; and though he derided the Romanists that they made Women Bishops, yet have we not had Pope Ioan of Mentz sitting su­pream in the Apostolick Chair, poizing the Crosi­er with as much infallible judgement, uncontroul­able reason, and with as much gravity and cunning experience as other Spinsters do handle their Di­staff? The pregnant Church then big with mira­cles, implored the aid and Midwifery of a Wo­man-Bishop; and may she not now again grown big with another Tympany of Heresie, relie on the skill of another Iuno Lucina? How diligent were these famous Empresses Eudoxia and Pulcheria courted and sollicited by the Pope for the esta­blishment of Easter? How did Pelagius strive by his frequent Letters to win the Empress to his side? How considerable were Women then in Church-affairs? And as Iulia in publique Coins had the honour to be stiled the Mother of the Army, of the Gods, the Senate, and her Coun­trey; So why may not the learned Women of this age (if they but live unmarried, without a head, like Queen Elizabeth) hope in time again to become heads themselves, and Nursing-mo­thers of the Church?

For tell me, where should Learning reside but [Page 6] in such compt and ornate heads? Where should the Kernel of Knowledge dwell, but in such sage and polite Shells? Where should the saltness of Wit that seasons our souls borrow that sarcasma­tical tartness they have, but from their powdred Locks, ingenuous Tiara's, and gay Embelish­ments? And though I will not use this as an Ar­gument further, then as daily experience proves it in the negative; yet we may generally observe, that there are not so many natural Fools of that Sex, as of the other, though it be termed the weakest.

All Anatomists have observed, that Cor in ho­mine, Lingua in Faemina, is ultimum moriens; the Heart of a Man, and the Tongue of a Woman hath the last motion: which vigorous life in that nervous member doth sufficiently demonstrate, that Nature, who made nothing in vain, did in­tend that the Womans Tongue should not be idle, but be ever imployed for the benefit of Man­kinde, as from whom we do all indeed first learn our Mother Tongue, For since Truth it self goes naked, where should she be found but amongst Women, who in imitation of her go almost na­ked also; and keep their Pulpits ready both for Lay and Clergy-men to preach in.

To conclude then, Speak they may, and teach too, but that ought to be the Catechism to their Children at home; they may do neither in the [Page 7] Church: and do things decently and orderly they ought, as that they may best do in their Closets and Dairies.

Paradoxical Assertion 2.

Plures sunt Mundi. That there are more Worlds then one.

A Sophister amongst other Theses, main­tained this, Non esse nisi unicum mun­dum, which position his opponent sophistically confuted out of our Saviours words in St. Luke, where the ten Lepers being cleansed, and but one returning, Christ expostulates after this man­ner, Nonne decem facti sunt mundi? If therefore, said the Argumentator, it be true which Christ hath averred; then is the Position false, and there are ten Worlds. The ingenious Moderator in­stantly confuted this fallacious Argument out of the Context, where Christ addes, Sed novem, ubi sunt? Non est inventus nisi his unus. Where are the nine? There is none found save this one. The re-party was as smart and quick-witted, as the other fallax was idle and frivolous. But I shall not need to bring such vain impertinent arguments [Page 8] into the field to maintain this Problem, since upon very good grounds and reasons I shall evidence that there is, another World, to wit, in the Moon, and shall make that World appear as clear as the Sun it self to any man of Reason and Judgement; that is not Moon-blind, or pertinaciously obsti­nate.

Let not any man therefore conclude me Luna­tick or mad in asserting this Novel, before he hath weighed my Arguments in the equal scales of an unprejudicate understanding. For let the indifferent and unbyassed Observatour look but into the bottom of this Well, where this truth hath lain so long hid, and he shall clearly see in the serenity thereof, if not another world besides this one reflected; yet at least a World of Rea­son, by the help of which Reason, he shall draw out thence many more Worlds then this Orbicu­lar Globe of Water and Earth which we tread on.

Well may I therefore conclude that great Vi­ctor of the World, Alexander, most ignorant, (though Aristotle was his Tutor) as well as most unhappy and miserable, in wishing there were more Worlds to conquer, who never knew or dreamt of any other World, save this he lived in.

And in truth so may I conclude of all other prophane Worldlings, like unto him, who fix and set up their Herculean Pillars here, supposing a [Page 9] Ne plus ultra here on earth. For had that migh­ty Nimrod of Kingdoms lived but till now in this Speculative Age, I should not onely have con­vinc'd him of this Plurality of Worlds; but by Demonstration, and that without the help of Ga­lilaeo's Prospectives, have shew'd him one more in the Moon, besides this, or that other hereafter.

Origen was of opinion, there should be more worlds successively one after another; fearing, saith Bodin, God should be idle: or as Plato sug­gests, lest Mankinde being destroyed, God should want Praise and Sacrifice. Ridiculous Conceits! 'Tis a plurality of Worlds at present I contend for.

Every Childe can see the Man in the Moon; and shall not Men of riper Judgement and clearer Eye-sight see and conceive more men there, and believe also that it is habitable? Do not those dusky Spots there plainly represented, perfectly resemble the Earth, whilst the white and brighter parts there are the Sea, as Plutarch, Thales, and Pythagoras affirm? How manifestly doth a Me­lancholy Astrologer discover Hills and Dales there, and the like Promontories and Concavities? If the Sun then be the Centre of the World, the Earth a Planet moved about the Sun, the Planets inhabited, each having his particular fixt Centre, and they all dancing in a Celestial Chorus and Har­mony about the Sun: If they be of that infinite [Page 10] vastness and distance one from another, as that our World to one there should appear but as Punctum indivisibile, small in respect: as all our Copernical Heaven-Lopers and Neoterick Astro­logers affirm, as knowingly, as if they had used Icaromenipus his wings in Lucian, to have flown thither, and seen what was done in Heaven. Why may there not be then infinite Worlds? Why may not an Infinite Cause (as God is) cause and pro­duce Infinite Effects? Iob insinuates as much; Who shaketh the Earth out of her place. Well may we then admit of Brunus infinite Worlds and Suns; of Keplar's Lunar Geography; and believe with Campanella, Galilaeus, Origanus, &c. that the Earth hath motion, is a Planet, and shines like the Moon, to these Lunar Inhabitants. Is not the World then in the Moon's face, as plain as the Nose in a mans face?—Credat Iudeas Appella.

Besides, Is there not a World of Knavery, Bribe­ry, Simony, Falshood, Deceit? &c And is not man himself another Microcosm, the exact Epitome of the Greater contracted into a lesser form? Since then every man is a World, and in that little World are concentred a world of Fancies, Imagi­nations, Thoughts, &c. then certainly we may conclude, that there are a World of Worlds, be­sides this one material Orb of Air, Earth, and Wa­ter which we breathe in.

Paradoxical Assertion 3▪

Plures tollit Medicina, quàm attollit. That Physical Purgations kill more men then they cure.

A New Physician had need of a new Church­yard: I dispute not who kills safest, the Galenist, or the Paracelsian. 'Tis all one whether a man dye by a Steletto or by a broad Sword. Yet I say, no doubt but God hath appointed the Means as well as the Cure, though but few know the right Cause. For the Lord hath created Me­dicines of the Earth, and he that is wise will not abhor them. I honour the Physician with the ho­nour due unto him, for, in the sight of great men he shall be had in admiration.

But you'l reply, What shall become of Poor men that cannot entertain them? Marry at that distance, best; admire their Confidence onely, and have least to do with them; for such onely are Healthiest and Happiest. Where do they live lon­ger, then in the Orcades, Forest of Arden, Nor­way▪ &c, or Sounder, then there where the name of Physick is not once heard of?

Quot Themison aegros Autumno occideret uno?

Nay, they are rewarded too for their murthers: [Page 12] they are the Common Executioners: their Art (if one) is but Conjectural, full of Imposture, the Devil Apollo the Inventor of it: and if success follow, it is by Chance, not their Cunning: or Nature had done it without them. Many Dis­eases they cannot cure at all, as the Stone, Apo­plexy, Strangury, Gout, &c.

Tollere nodosam nescit medicina podagram.

What wise man then, like the tender Lady or rich stall-fed Citizen, would be so jealous of his Health, that if his Finger or Head but ake, or a Stitch vex his Side, will straight consult the Phy­sician, aggravate his slender Malady, make him­self sick with Conceit, as his Doctor with imperti­nency, stir up a silent Disease with frequent Purga­tions, purge his Soul out of his Body, and kill him­self, in fine, in right earnest? What is this but to provoke Nature, stir a Jakes, trouble the Humor, and not to discuss it; or at least make a strong Body weaker, as by often brushing fine Cloth is worn thin; to play with Death, or rather to fight with it; to tempt God, and to tire out our frail bodies with Physick, when Nature alone is the best, safest, and wisest Physician. A Iove principium. Prayer and a bunch of Figs, and that but outwardly applied, prolonged Hezekiah's life fifteen years. With this Pan-pharmacon alone, Luke the Evangelist cured all Diseases.

And though our Saviour would work by means, [Page 13] and cure the Blind man with Clay and Spittle; yet how often was his onely Fiat, or, Be thou whole, the Restorative? No matter then whether Hippo­crates or Paracelsus administer, Paul or Apollo, it is God that gives the increase of Health the Blessing.

As Paracelsus therefore adscribes Hippocrates fortunate Cures, not to his Skill so much, as to the peoples strong Conceit of his Worth and Skill: so am I perswaded that many Patients, through the strong Fancy they have of the Doctor, (let the Remedy be never so ordinary) and by Gods help together, recover. The Physicians modesty with the Patients patience work it out sooner, then the desperate practices of Mountebank Quacking Harpies, who to get a Fee will purge the Purse to be sure, and prescribe Death to the next comer; or, like Tinkers, stope one hole, and make two for it. Change of Air (which alone cures rotten sheep) or Linen do refresh, and often change the sick from the worse to the better. Miserè vivit, qui Me­dicè vivit. A man had as good be buried alive, as observe the strict nice Rules of our severe Lessians and Galenists.

The Physician here is the onely Disease, or worse. Their Method is a Torture. First, Phle­botomy. A preparative Clyster. Then a Purge, Vomit, Phlebotomy and Clyster repeated. And then a Purge, a Purge, a Purge, till nothing is left [Page 14] either in Purse or Body, This causeth that Caco­chymia they observe in the enervated body. And then indeed Remedium omnium malorum, Death follows, the certain Cure of all Diseases.

In the cure of an Ague, the very shame of all Physicians, what can Aesculapius prescribe better then Exercise and Sweating, which a laboring man cannot avoid? What cures a Surfet, Quartan▪ &c. like fasting? For the small Pox, a careful Nurse to keep the Patient in, and to drive them out, is best: Experience tells us, they onely dye that tam­per; for where one miscarries of it in the Coun­trey, twenty dyes of it in the City, though visited by the whole Colledge.

I approve not of Magical Charms, Exorcisms, Holy Water neither, that's to drive out one De­vil with another worse. Nor of the Turks obsti­nacy, to neglect the Means, because their Dayes are numbred. No, every man is a Fool or Phy­sician to himself at least, and best knows the Regi­ment of his own Health, and what is most hurt­ful. Let him but shun that, and use but these three, Prayer, Fasting, and Patience, and the Cure is done: and never Purge but in cases of great ne­cessity.

Paradoxical Assertion 4.

Nulla est in Conjugali Coitu Voluptas. That there is no pleasure in the Coition with a Mans own Wife.

IN defending this seeming Paradox, I shall not assert any Opinion Heterodox to Theological Truth, or Logical Reason. I approve not of a plurality of Wives with the Turks now, or none at all with the Benedictin Monks, or Jewish Esseni, who both supererogate in a fruitless Chastity. I commend not the Irish Divorcement once in use, who like the Syracusian in a tempest, when the ship was to be exonerated of the weightiest things, threw his Wife first over-board; take any occa­sion to put away their Wives.

I shall not excuse Adultery upon our Saviours milde reprehension of the Woman in the Gospel; nor argue with our Profaner Wits, who because they are inhibited lying with another mans wife, conclude it lawful thence for a man to lie with his own mans wife. No:

Odi prophanum vulgus & arceo. I hate being evil for company; or by such an ingenuous fallax, like that old Sophister Satan, to cozen my self and others with such Jesuitical Sophisms into di­rect [Page 16] Atheism. I shall neither with the C [...]thari condemn second Marriages, or with Pope Siricius his false Gloss on the Text, They that are in the flesh cannot please God; thence draw this literal and Carnal Conclusion, that they that are mar­ried but once also cannot please God.

No, Marriage is honorable, and the bed unde­filed. It is Ecclesiae seminarium, and necessary for the propogation of mankinde. I finde not one­ly the blessed Virgin and the Disciples, but Christ himself a Guest at those Hymenaeal Ceremonies, and honoring them with his first Miracle in Cana. I finde in the Old Testament, God the first Priest marrying the first Couple: and in the New, the Mother of God, before espoused to Ioseph, over­shadowed by the holy Ghost in that wonderful Mystery of the Incarnation. I finde it honored again in the Old, by that stupendious preserving of Eight Married persons in the Deludge, and by Paring the rest of the Creatures then in Couples.

And in the New, I finde the whole Trinity Bles­sing and Confirming it, by espousing the Church, and resembling his Love and her Espousals, to a Marriage here on earth, by knitting himself to her in that Mutuality with an everlasting union. Since then God himself delighted in propagation, by that sacred Product of the three Persons in the Trinity, thus multiplied though co-eternal. Since we are bound in imitation of, and obedience to [Page 17] him, being but his Tenants for life in this world, to keep the same in continual repair▪ And since it was Gods first Word of Command, Bring forth and Multiply, God forbid but we should obey him in this law of lawful Multiplication: yet not to divide our selves amongst many Women, as it was permitted the Patriarchs, since change too often frustrates propagation: nor to Multiply in­to Religious Monasteries with the Benedictin Monks, without any Mothers at all.

I confess indeed when I consider the preroga­tive of Virgins to whom with Elias, Elizeus, and Iohn Baptist, Heaven is given; as one said, Marri­ages replenish the earth, but Virginity Paradise; as I am a meer natural man I can finde no reason, why Adam should have wooed Eve, a small weak piece of himself: for reason rather tells us, the weaker should expect and sue for support from the stronger.

But when I consider that the woman was form­ed of the Rib of the man, and that so probably the man believing he missed something, was oc­casioned to seek for that lost part, and being so [...]ear to joyn her again to his side. And when I again consider, that God had given her to man as a fit [...]elper, I must conclude, that Women are both necessary and good, (for all that God made was good▪ and therefore useful, Nature produ­cing nothing in vain) and therefore cannot be­lieve [Page 18] them such necessary evils, as many have too severely stiled them. Yet I say they are necessary also, that is, for such as have not the gift of Con­tinency (for of too evils the least should be cho­sen.) But that he that can abstain from the world, the flesh, and the devil (as in a wicked woman all three are concentred) I shall ever h [...]ld to be the wisest, holiest, and freest from worldly cares, and consequently the happiest man.

But suppose that unruly Asmodeus cannot be cast out by Fasting and Prayer, as we are bound to believe it may; I know you will then say, a Wife is the onely lawful Plasma to asswage that bilious humor.

'Tis true, Omnis repletio [...]equirit [...] Thus Physically I agree, that Women may be good, and consequently necessary: but in a Me­taphysical sense clean contrary. For Bona, mag [...] carendo quam fruendo, sentimus. The tired old man in Aesop, casting down his burthen at Noon, called for Death; but when Death approached, he wished him for nothing he said, but to help him up with it again. As it follows not there­fore, that though Death which was the Privation of that Burthen, was ill, the Burthen therefore was good: so we must not therefore on the con­trary conclude, that a Wife which is the privatio [...] of that Burthen of fleshly infirmity, is good, b [...] cause the Burthen is evil.

[Page 19]The Astronomers tell you, that whereas a­mongst the other Planets, Conjunction creates the most perfect Amity: yet the Sun one­ly on the contrary is good by his Aspect and In­fluence, and evil by his Conjunction. I shall thus endeavour to make it evident, that women are best at distance, and that there can be no perfect pleasure in the Fruition of any woman, much less of one's own wife, with whom he is yoaked and bound, with Honourable and Golden, 'tis true, but with perpetual Chains and Fetters.

I shall appeal to any Enamoreto but newly Mar­ried, whether he took not more pleasure in the Acquist of his Mistresses Bon [...]es graces before Mar­riage, then afterwards in the dull cropping of her Virginal flower? whether he was not more de­ [...]ighted with his amorous courtships, stollen kis­ses, chaste embracements, mutual glances, and [...]omplacent treatments in wooing and pleasing her, than afterwards in displeasing of himself, per­haps by a too late repe [...]tance? Whether he took [...] more true content in adoring a Coelia, than [...]n undoing a Maid? Whether he took not more pleasure in Weaving innocent true-love-knots, than in untying the Virgin-zone, or knitting that more than Gordian-knot, which none but that in­ [...]cible Alexander, Death, can untye? Before, he was free, as the Air he breathed in: now he is [...]akel'd and confin'd. Before, he might delight [Page 20] his opticks in the pleasant prospect of Natures variety, and the best of her curious workman­ship, the fair Ideas of several ravishing Female beauties, the contemplation of whose Divine per­fections would transport a man to Seraphick exta­sies: now he must pore but on one single object as in a glass, seeing no face but his own, and Narcissus-like, fall in love with that which is but his own shadow. Before, he might Travel the World in delightful observations of forreign Cli­mates and Affairs: now he must be confin'd and onely conyersant in the Domistick Rules and Oe­conomies of his private Family. Before, he might walk up and down like the Grand Seigniour in his Seraglio and Garden of pleasure, smelling and plucking each Flower he lik'd to make up a com­pleat Pos [...]e of Delight; now he must sate that smelling faculty with but one single Flower▪ which if it happen to be a Rose the Odoriferou [...] Quintessence of all Arabian Perfumes contracte [...] into one perfect savour; yet we know how soo [...] those Fragrancies expire with often blowing on and like the richest and strongest Odours, whic [...] make but the Head ake at last, they either bree [...] a Satiety or a Nausea.

I might adde further, that that pleasure whic [...] comes unexpectedly on each side, doth enhanc [...] the price thereof, since stollen pleasures are ev [...] the sweetest, whilst the frequency of delight l [...] ­sens [Page 21] it and blunts the appetite. The inexpectancy of new found Treasure heightens the value; whilst what is got by long sweats and continual labours ceases to be pleasures, (whose property is to be short and sweet) and so becomes but a voluntary and tedious drudgery. Cibus à venatu suavissimus: That Venison which is hunted and killed with most company, and got with the purchases of our own Art and Industry, joyned with pleasant strife in the retrive (which gives all the appetite and edge to the Gusto) certainly tastes best, and is most pleasant.

I would fain know, what pleasure any man can take in touching his own flesh; what titillation or delight in feeling his own Pulse. And I pray is not a mans wife his own flesh? They are una ca­ro, two Souls in one Body, or rather two Bodies combined into one Soul. There cannot there­fore be the same Emotions, the same Palpitati­ons, the like vigorous Fancies or such strong Ef­forts in one and the same single person and flesh, as may be raised and cherished in two stranger parties linked together onely with the straws of hot affections and the Charcoals of suddain desires.

If then the sensual pleasure (which is the foo­lishest Act of a wise man) is less with one's second self, than with a stranger, and indeed but▪ Brutish with any; I would fain know what other content or benefit, besides the bare portion, a man can [Page 22] reap from his married wife. For admit [...]he be Cha [...]t (which is a vertue sufficient and singular in a wife) yet with how many other imperfections do they daily Teem? With how many little faults and follies do they (at least most of them) labour?

Adam had his tempting Eve, Moses an hasty Zipporah, Iob a Blaspheming impious Wife, Samson a lascivious and perfidious Dalilah, A­hab a painted Iezabel, Ahasuerus a disloyal Vash­ti, Ananias a sacrilegious Sapphira. And wife Solo­mon confessed, that in the Chorus of all his Wives and Concubines, he found nothing but va­nity and vexation: A good Woman is va [...]a avis. The vertuous are thin set, the bad like ill weeds grow every where. A bad Wife is more trouble­some than the Irish-Sea, or a Quartan Feaver. This made the Devil after he had devested Iob of all his Goods, Children, Friends, Allies, Health, Wealth and all, to persecute him yet more, by leaving him his wicked Wife to vex and torment him.

Why should any man then, since Marrying is but Marring, woo [...] for that which may prove most probably his woe? Why should any man get the Banes asked for her that may prove his Bane? Why should a man labour for her whose onely Blessing is but labour and Travail, and whose one­ly Hopes are to be saved by the sweat of her Hus­bands [Page 23] Brows and Child-bearing? As for the plea­sure in that sensual Act: alas it is so far beneath the thoughts of an understanding sober Man, so mean and below the pitch of an elevated minde, that no man in his collected temper can believe he takes any perfect satisfaction from those dull fruitions.

Besides, when I consider how more then Besti­al the frequent use of that Venerial act (for hard­ly any Creature but Man is so lustful as to copu­late with the same after the first Coition) I am asham'd, that a rational man should so infrigi­date and enervate his Body, dry up his Brains and his Humidum Radicale; so deviate from the chief Rule of Marriage (which was first institu­ted for propagation onely, and not so much to quench our Carnal lusts) and so apostatize from his Reason by an unreasonable and frequent act­ing that folly, which he himself, when it is done, is chiefly ashamed of.

Paradoxical Assertion 5.

Inc [...]ndia in Metropoli sunt necessaria. That frequent Fires in a Metropolis, to consume the dwelling Houses, are necessary.

I Am not of kin to the wandring Jew, no Welch Mounteineer, or Peripatetick; No Egyptian or Scythian Travellour, who lives like the Nemades in a perpetual motion: I neither affect the Cynicks Tub, nor the Holland Skippers Scutes: I do not altogether affect the Field and Hamacco's, though I am no stranger to Martial affairs and Night-Centinels: But am a real friend to all Civil Societies and Common­wealths: Although my discourse may seem Quixot-like, to overthrow Cities, depopulate Countries, and threaten all their ruines: And though I appear at first aspect like him, terrible, in this doubtful Notion, yet I doubt not but out of this flinty Paradox, I shall strike fire enough to lighten any man to the truth of this bold As­sertion, though not enough to consume any the least City or Town Corporate, (although some of the latter might better be spared.)

Our law therefore in this particular I conceive [Page 25] too severe, which inhibits a man upon pain of death to set fire to his own house: As for exam­ple, If my House be ill-favoured, old, rotten, and decayed; and consequently dangerous either to be lived in, or to be pulled down, should I not rather fire it quickly (if it stand alone especially) then endanger any mans life in the demolishment thereof; and build a better, fairer, and more sub­stantial one in the room thereof?

Observe but where the greatest Fires have ra­ged in any Countrey, Town or City, if fairer Structures, larger Streets, and more stately and convenient Edifices have not been raised, Phenix­like, out of their ashes: whereas old Mansions dawbed and patched up so long like Theseus ship, (of which not a Rib it had at first building was left) and repaired so much, that to make the Hou­ses the more honourable, they must be propped up with Supporters to keep the Tenements from fal­ling; look like the Augean Stables, full of dirt and rottenness; or like my Grandsires old Grange, venerable for nothing but Antiquity. Some streets in London are built so narrow, that Neighbours at home may shake hands; as they are built in Spain, Italy, and France, to divert the Suns scal [...]ing Rayes: but in our Northern Coasts, a fair, streight, broad, open street, as at South­hampton, best befits our [...]lime.

What matter were it then if some of our rot­ten, [Page 26] poor, half-thatched Cities were burnt, and stately ones erected in their rooms with Galleries, as at Westchester: or Arches and Piatza's to the street, as at Damascus, P [...]dua, Bolog [...]a, and Ber [...]a in Switzerland. Did not Erostratus build himself up a Name, by burning down the Temple of Dia­na? And doth not Charity, grown cold now a dayes, however yet warm her self by these and the like frequent fires? whereas without such sudden and unexpected occasions, she would even freeze and starve to death.

Besides, Observe but how every Creature natu­rally desires to get out of his house of Restraint; for our Houses are but as our Inns to lodge, not to dwell in. The Snail as soon as it can creep, leaves its shell: the Chicken as soon as warmth doth hatch it, quits its marble Tenement: and even Man himself is soon weary of the Womb he hath lien a while enclosed in; and when able to walk, delights more in the open Fields then in his Closet.

The Turkish Ship-thieves I confess barbarously set fire on the Houses by nights in their populous Cities, that by the light of them they may the better run away with the Goods which were in them. And the Janizaries under the colour of preventing farther mischief, pull down a many more of the neighbouring Cottages, that thereby all may have the better opportunities of [...]ealing. [Page 27] Therefore in Constantinople, Adrinople, Grand Cairo, etc. buildings are the sleighter, by reason of the frequency of those fires, made purposely more often, then by chance, though too often fathered on the Persian Spies.

Nero indeed (as Platina reports) onely because he liked not the structure of Rome, set it on fire; or, because he would have the Burning of Troy represented unto him, (his cruel fancy work'd so high) for at the same instant (a merry Gentleman no doubt) he was playing on his Harp the Destru­ction of Troy, whilst he beheld with delight the woful spectacle.

Hatto Archbishop of Mentz, another cruel Firebrand, calling the half-starved people into a Barn in time of a Famine, burnt them altogether therein, with this profane jeast, These are but Rats,

—Fruges consumere nati.

good for nothing but to devour Corn. But his tyranny was punisht the same way, he being bitten and eaten up by Rats himself soon after; And butcherly Nero's Body being found dead, was bu­ried after under the Gate Flaminia, where Devils haunted it and the place in flames of fire.

Thus I conclude then, Where such horrid Ru­ines are purposely made by malicious designs, the Incendiaries, who are Nigro carbone notandi, are worthy of greater and more lasting flames. But when Gods immediate hand does it, either [Page 28] by Lightning, to purge the infected Air; or by other casual Accidents permits it for our punish­ment; the Judgement may enlighten us to behold the frailty of our earthly Mansions, and Gods Justice, to whose Providence we are to submit: And may be useful also to minde us of the Day of Judgement, when all shall be consumed in fire, except the Bodies of the Wicked, that must ever broil in everlasting flames.

Paradoxical Assertion 6.

Homine excepto, Pediculus est Animal Nobilissimum: That next to Man, the Louse is the Noblest Creature.

VVHether this noble Animal be bred of the Flesh, as Aristotle doth affirm; or of the Blood, as Theophrastus, it matters not. This we all know, that whereas Man is created of Earth, this is formed of Man; that is, of his Blood con­cocted; (as most believe) and therefore is of a more noble Off-spring, by how much Man is more noble then the Earth he was made first of. The Isle [Page 29] of Man, is this our Brothers Native Countrey; and in the chief and Noblest part of this Island hath this Princely Creature fixt his Emperial Seat of Residence, the Head; so that the nearer he is to the Brain (whose intellectual Faculties make man a rational Creature, and distinguish him from the Bruit Beasts) the nearer, I say, he is to Reason and Society, the two natural properties of man; and by Consanguinity may justly challenge Reasons Prerogative, before either the Serpent, Ape, or Elephant. Thus flourishing in the Head of Man he becomes the Head of all Cattle. For

Plebs habitat diversa locis.

Why should any one then doubt to compare this Minim with the noblest Prince, when he is not onely his daily Guest, but domestick Compa­nion? And since the Almighty power of the most Great God is most eminent, even in the least things, Pharaoh's Magicians could confess, that there was the Finger of God in creating these little Vermin: (yes, and was not his whole hand in it too?) whereas by their enchantments they could but faintly imitate Nature, and parallel Moses indeed in some of his wonders, but not at all in this smallest production.

Observe his generous disposition in his Sedate constancy of Affection, scorning to leave his frie [...] in his worst of fortunes, but will faithfully accompany him from the Court even to the Camp or Prison.

[Page 30]I appeal to all the Societies of Mendicant Fry­ars, the onely chief Patrons of this humble Regi­ment of Nits and Lice (which stuff like the Isra­elites cloathes is everlasting) whether they would quit these loving wretches for the company of the greatest and proudest Monarch's.

Noscitur ex socio, qui non dignoscitur ex se.

You may judge of the Humility and Constancy of this Creature by the company he most con­sorts with: so of his Sagacity and Temperance, being abstemious like them in drink, feeding spa­ringly, and but seldom stirring out of his Cell or Cloyster. Every thing is better by how much it communicates it self to the good of others. The Moon, Planets and Stars are brightest by their proximity to the Sun: so doth this Animal by vicinity partake of the minde, wisdom, prudence policy and intellect of man onely. For no Beast is averse from the company of this Polypus, but the Asse, that dull and silly Creature, who is least acquainted with Discretion, and whom Natura­lists affirm, they never knew. Observe again the Gravity of his deportment, in his Spanish March, Pian Piano, (as a learned Geographer not unwit­tily compared the Spaniard to a Louse, the French­man to a Flea, the Hollander to a Cra [...] ▪louse. &c. Nor are the comparisons odio [...]s, [...] not skips he away like the coward Flea at the a [...]lt, but boldly like a man looks death in the face.

[Page 31]Corpore parvus erat Tydeus, sed maximus armis.

Thus much for his valor.

Observe now his wonderful and strange crea­tion. For whereas Nature produceth no one thing but by the corruption of another: as the Peacock is formed of the corruption of the Egg, the Be [...] out of the corruption of the Oxe, Snakes out of Stone-horse hairs; Worms, Fleas, and other Insects out of Piss and Dung; yet on the contrary these two noble Animals, the Phoenix and the Louse, are divinely formed: the one engendred of a Nit, and the other raised out of his Parents most glorious ashes. Besides, what greater sign or bet­ter argument of health is there, then when these lusty Fore-runners bring the happy tydings that the Enemy, the Disease is slain?

Nay, they are health it self, being experimen­tally good for sore or blood-shot Eyes, and me­dicinal in many diseases, the Jaundies especially. This made Archimedes amidst his deepest Specula­tions, run naked out of the Bath, and cry, [...], I have found it, I have found it, with ad­miration and joy. Thus doth this beast become an example to us of Patience particularly, (which is beyond a similitude, for that doth but currere quatuor pedibus, whereas this walks majestickly on six;) and therefore might be of kin to the Muses, and to the best of their Heroick Off-spring, the golden Hexameter. But the truth is, Pediculus [Page 32] could never stand well in Latin Verse, or hang on those Romans Poets; the Dutch, and French, and some of the Minor Water-Poets, onely converse and are acquainted with him.

For his Gentility then there is no doubt; his noble Extraction is already known, his Pedegree may be drawn from before Tubal-Cain [...] time, since the universal heat which the Arabians sup­posed the Creator of all things first inspired him. Nor need he reckon Legs for Arms, since all the Welch Heralds will confess, that the Lowses be­longs to the most ancient Coats: and the Royal Family of France powders their Coat with no­thing else but Fleures de Lis to this day. Since then this noble Creature sticks faster to the French Kings Coat, then it can to a Peasants thread-bare one; and of all the Creatures sticks closest to Man, even to the very skin; I may safely con­clude, That, next to Man, the Louse is the No­blest Creature.

Paradoxical Assertion 7.

Nulla Ars inventa fuit Imprimendi Arte perniciosior. That the famous Art of Printing is the worst that ever was invented.

VVHether the Germans first borrowed this Invention from the Chineses, or whether amongst the Germans (who undoubtedly lay best claim to it) Iohn Gutenberg the Knight of Mentz, or Iohn Fust a Moguntine, was the first Inventor thereof, it matters not: this is certain, that since the time it was first known experimentally, (which was Anno Salutis 1466) there has been more dis­sention in Learning and Religion, throughout all Christendom, and more Wars, the necessary Se­quels of those Jars, then were known in the Pri­mitive, nay, for all those fourteen hundred years before.

The multiplicity of these fire and tow Papers once inflamed, have almost consumed the Church. And its scarce still visible, were all occasioned ei­ther through the frequencies of the Press, (which speedy device to blazen Rebellion, even propa­gates and adds wings to it) or through the grand Mistakes and many Errata's in false Printing, that [Page 34] have bred so many Animosities in the Refuting, and Trouble in the Correcting.

'Tis confess'd, by this Art alone all the rest are made more familiar, and knowledge in some re­spects is acquired at less expence of time and mo­ney; because I believe indeed few now a-dayes will give three hundred pounds for three Books of Philolaus, as Plato did. By these ingenuous means I grant also we are somewhat freed from those gross Errours which crept into the Text, through the unskilful hands of either ignorant or negligent Writers.

But observe now on the other side, how by Printing, each Volumn begets another, and they also swell with so many Errata's, that the very Corrector of the Press stand in need sometimes of most Correction.

Observe how we are now forced to spend more time in cracking the shells, in opening the knotty Languages of Latin, Greek, Hebrew, &c. to pick that Kernel of Knowledge thence: which preci­ous time the Ancients more cautiously spent in the study of things, which were written for the most part in their own Mothers Tongue. Each man was then a walking Library himself: but now we have thousands of Vaticans, and hardly a man walking in them, they are so stuft with the variety of Books which doth delight indeed, but hurts the Ingenie.

[Page 35]What an Ocean of Ob's and Sol's hath School-Divinity of late produc'd? What a Labyrinth of inextricable, nay, unprofitable Questions, full of Cavilling and Metaphysical Terms, which if ever understood, edifie not, onely puzzle? Again, how many unnatural Controversies and bitter Re­parties have filled the Heads and Pens of Modern Writers, even to the making a Schism in Christs Church, or a Rent at least in his once seamless Coat? How have these undutiful sons of the Church, as Cham did his Fathers, so they laid open their Mothers Nakedness? How have these seeds of Pertinacy propagated since the Infancy of Religion to these very times? Nay, how much bath this Controversal Obstinacy about Niceties and shadowie Ceremonies,

Cuneum in fa [...]â, or Nodum in scirpo quaerendo,

hindred the progress of Learning, and the advance of other more beneficial Sciences? Did not the late Coal from the Altar, blown up from a Spark to a Firebrand, by one indeed, set such a fire in the Church, that it hath since burnt up almost all her Patrimony, and God knowes when it will be quenched, perhaps not so long as any Fuel is left. This Salt spirit of Contradiction, this Acrimoni­ous and Scorbutick Humor rub'd and stir'd up by the Itch of Disputation, and that in Print too, hath (as a Wise man observed) bred the Churches [Page 36] Scab. And where there is one such Mangie Bell-weather, the Flock will all soon prove Scabby and Infected.

Paradoxical Assertion 8.

Incarceratio Libertate potior. That Imprisonment is better then Liberty.

I Have read of a Parisian, that in sixty years stirred not out of the Walls of that famous City, (a Prison large and glorious enough I con­fess) but when the King had confin'd him within that Circuit during Life, then, and not before, the old man most desired to expatiate, and thereupon with grief dyed: So that it is not the Confine­ment, but the imposed Restraint that makes Im­prisonment so irksome. The voluntary seque­stration of the Anchoret sweetens his Solitude and close Immurement: and it may be onely the forced Servitude and Restraint of more Volatile Spirits that makes their lives seem tedious.

'Tis true, Robert Duke of Normandy imprison'd by Henry the First his younger Brother, pined [Page 37] away for grief: And Francis the French King ta­ken by Charles the Fifth, was (as Guicciardine re­ports) melancholly even to death, and that in an instant. And Iugurth that valiant Commander, after a few dayes Imprisonment at Rome, dyed. I grant, that to such high flying souls that have liv'd abroad at the height of jovial Exultation and Sensuality, to be debarr'd on a sudden of their former career of Pleasures, cannot but be irksome, at first especially, perhaps mortal. No doubt but Valerian, Bajazet, our Edward and Richard the Second, felt the smart of such tyrannous Con­finements. You may sooner tame a Lark, or re­claim a Swallow, then such high flying Fancies. But to a Stoical temper, to an austere, stay'd, and reserv'd person, Imprisonment is Liberty. Such a man being nunquam minus solus, quàm cùm solus, and never more at ease, then when thus confin'd. To a Schollar, that can sit and travel all the world over in a Map, nothing so pleasant as Retirement: his Brains travel in Contemplation though he be fixt in his Cell: he can behold the Chorographi­cal and Typographical Delineations of the remo­test parts and Cities, turn over every stone, and build Castles, &c. and never set foot over his Stu­dies threshold.

How renowned is King Ptolomy for that learn­ing he acquired whilst imprisoned by his Disease? With what delight did our wise King Iames con­template [Page 38] Bodley's fair Library at Oxford, expres­sing his affection to learning in those Pathetick words, If I were to be a Prisoner, said he, and might have my wish, I would desire no other Pri­son then that Library, and to be Chained toge­ther with so many brave Authors and dead In­structours.

What shall I say of Caesars retirement to Ca­preae? And of the Emperour Charles the fifth, his quitting his Imperial Diadem to embrace the peaceable quiet of a Monastick life? How are the Kings of China for States-sake Cloistered up, that they never come abroad? How are the Spa­nish, Turkish, Italian Dames lockt up in their Clo­sets by their jealous Husbands? and ours scarce suffering themselves to see the Sun, onely to pre­serve their Beauties? With what content are they mew'd up in Stoves in Muscovia, and in Caves in Green-land and Island half the year together?

You'l reply, Their confinements are volunta­ry which sweetens and gilds the Pill of Bondage and Servitude. But what unparallel'd Calamities do the Indian and Turky slaves in Mines and Gal­lies endure, condemned perpetually to drudgery, Hunger and Blows, and chained to their misery [...]an's hope of Delivery?

All this I say is nothing to a chearful Heart and Patient. The Ship the rich Merchant sails in, is no less a Prison, then the Captives Gally. Set [Page 39] aside the Spanish Inquisition, (which tyrannizes over the Soul as well as over the Body) and is therefore more injurious; I see not, I say, that suggested misery in that or any other sort of im­prisonment, which a wise, humble, and patient spi­rit cannot overcome and lessen, nay, turn it to his advantage and content.

By Imprisonment how many lewd riotous men are brought home? how many Vagrants settled? how many dangers and tentations avoided? it being the onely means to mortifie and master himself, and his greatest enemies, the World, the Flesh and the Devil?

Our whole life is but a continued Incarceration. Imprisoned we were in the Womb, and then in our Mothers Arms and Cradles: from thence translated to Schools or Shops under the ty­rannous Lashes of severe Masters and Gover­nours: thence confin'd to a Colledge: or if abroad, we live but in an Island: or if put forth into the world, that is but a larger Prison, as it was to Great Alexander. Our soul, that's impri­soned in a vile Body of sin, and that body (as St. Pauls was) is often in misery and durance; in which Bands he delighted as much as in the Re­hersal, and writ most of his Epistles.

Since then this life, though but a perpetual slavery and imprisonment, is yet sweet to us all, and more desirable than death, which is our one­ly [Page 40] liberty, and frees us from all the Iron shakels and weighty chains of our Sins; I may safely conclude, That imprisonment is in many respects, to a Christian, better then Death or Liberty.

Paradoxical Assertion 9.

Impar Regibus Monumentis inhumari. That Kings ought not to have Monuments.

Marmoreo Licinus Tumulo jacet; at Cato parvo; Pompeius nullo; credimus esse Deos?

THis was the Poets foolish complaint of old: as if Pompey left not a name bigger than Licinus, the freed man, his Marble Tomb: or as if the dust of Kings could be distinguished from a Peasants, or were of more worth, or more to be regarded.

Ramises his Obelisks, Hadrian his Moles, the Aegyptian Pyramids and tall Labyrinths, the Ro­man Mansolea and stupend Monuments of Ninus, which was nine Furlongs in Height and ten in Breadth, of Porsena of Lais; what do they all signifie but the pride, and the vain glory of the [Page 41] Builders, and the frailty of this world, whilst they together with their rotten Carcases are all now hudled but into one confused heap of dust.

—Monumenta fatiscunt,
Mors etiam saxis nominibúsque venit.

I finde none erected in Scripture for Patriarch, King, Prophet, or Apostle, besides that exemplary one of Lots Wife.

Iacob I grant was buried in high solemnity: and Iosephs Bones, after four hundred years pre­serving, were transported into Canaan: and I read that devout men carried St. Stephen to Bu­rial: but who knows of Moses the Prototype and Leader of the people, his Sepulchre to this day, whilst he lies Buried obscurely in the Valley, lest the Israelites perhaps might have adored his Shrine: And Christ himself the King of Kings, and Son of God, had not Ioseph of Arimathea bought him a Sepulchre, and that but a plain one too, onely for the miracles sake of his Resurre­ction, doubtless had lien as meanly and as ob­scurely buried.

A heathenish superstition prompted some Nations to inter their friends bodies in their own, by eating them; accounting that humane inhu­mane Sepulchre the most honourable. The Per­sians besmeared their Corps with wax: as the Aegyptians Embalmed them with Gums and Spices: the Magi buried none but such as had [Page 42] been torn by Beasts, their whole bodies they did condite with Art to couzen the Worms, as they thought, and laid them up in Charnel Houses to perpetuity. But what did Cyrus the Elder? He gave express command, that no Coffin of Gold or Silver should confine his body; but that it should be without pomp laid into the Earth, whence it received, with all other Crea­tures, both Birth and Nourishment. It was the custom I confess to bury their Kings anciently on the tops of Hills: and the Roman Princes sta­tues were reverenced like so many Deities: Nay, Christian Kings have their Coemeteries: the Vatican for the Popes; the Aescurial for the Kings of Spain; St. Dennis for those of France, and Westminster for ours of England.

But Quorsum haec? To what purpose is all this waste? All this cost and state is needless, when it often happens, that the want of a Monument or Statue, doth best preserve the memory of such as are memoratu dignissimi.

Id Cinerem & Man's credis curare sepultos?

Iames, the fourth King of the Scots, by want­ing a Tomb, gain'd this never dying Epitaph;

Fama Orbem replet, mortem sors occulit: at tu Desine mirari quod tegit ossa solum.
Si mihi dent animo non impar fata Sepulchrum, Angusta est tumulo Terra Britanna meo.

[Page 43]With no less ignoble an Epitaph sleeps that ever renowned Emperour Charles the fifth, Caro­lus Quintus, Hic jacet intus. Ora pro eo bis aut ter, Ave Maria & Pater noster. And is remembred with no better inscription then this Motto added, Plus ultra.

So Saladine with all his Victories rested in a Grave; ordering a Sheet to be advanced on a pike after his Death, a Herald proclaiming before it; Saladino, Syriae, Iudaeae, & Aegypti, &c. Regi: Ex omnibus Victoriis, Tropaeis, Opibus, Thesauris, nihil nisi hoc reliquum mansit.

With what sacred pitty is King Stephen in our Chronicles remembred? Whose Bones after four hundred years rest were laid naked by those un­hallowed persons that plundred his Leaden Coffin, and by them Barbarously thrown into a River? Nor can the memory of William the Conquerour dye, though his restless Bones also after-four, hundred years entombing at Cane in Normandy lost it by the Barbarity of Chastillions Souldiers. Thus the Mouse may play with the dead Lions Beard, and the most honourable may by such Hiae­na's who dig up their Graves for the dead bodies be after death dishonoured. Which frequent in­stances point unto us the suddain change of this worlds glory, the equality of the dead, and the ambitious folly of those that think before they have left a good name behinde (which is the best [Page 44] Chronicle and most lasting Monument) to build themselves eternal Thrones, Statues and Columns in the Grave, where all things perish and are for­gotten▪ Sepulchri mitte super vacuos honores.

To what purpose then are so many spacious Monuments erected, when the parties are either after one Age forgot, or the Fabrick is soon de­molished by violence, or must at least by all-de­vouring time be swallowed.

When C [...]iton asked Socrates how he would be Buried? I think said he, I shall escape you: but so much of me as you can take, bury it according to the Laws. No matter, in which of the elements the body lodgeth, so long as the Soul rests in Abrahams Bosom. It is the Vertue we leave be­hinde, or rather carry with us, that is immortal. A good Fame is the best Odour, and a good Name is a precious Ointment, which will condite our bo­dies best, and preserve our memories to all eterni­ty. Such a lasting Monument as this would bet­ter have preserv'd our Eight Luxurious Henry, then Wolsey's half finish'd Monument at Windsor, which neither his own Posterity, nor any of his successours since thought it worth the while to perfect. Poor Lazarus as he had the starry Hea­ven for his Canopy, so was that his Tomb: though he was fed at the door amongst the Dogs, yet he lay buried in his Mothers Lap, attended hence with his own Innocence, and a Guard of An­gels.

[Page 45]It is not then Esogiums, Panegyrick Orations, Dirges, Epitaphs, Heralds, Mourners, Obelisks, Obsquies, or Mausolaean Monuments, so well as their own Coins wherein they are effigiated, can eternize Princes. Let them live exemplar Monu­ments. Let their Prince-like Acts and Actions write their Epitaphs, and be their chief Monu­ments, since onely Vertue, Post funera vivit; and

—Caelo tegitur, qui non habet urnam.

For doubtless that mans Bones on the North Church-yard rests in more quiet, than his, that lies Entomb'd in the Chancel.

Paradoxical Assertion 10.

Monoculus melius, eminus, & plus videt, quàm duos habent Ocellos. That he that hath but one Eye, sees better, farther, and more, then he that hath two Eyes.

WHether the Sight be, by intra or extramit­tendo, as the Naturalists contend, it matters not: this is certain, That these two Lights were placed above, as Centinels to look about, and afar off to discern any dangers approaching to the Body. And in that notion, we know one Centi­nel is enough in one place at one time; and fittest, lest by discourse, or otherwise roving, they both neglect their Duties. I grant indeed two Eyes in several Heads may see more then one in one Head: and so a Stander by may often see more then a Gamester.

All I aim at is, to hit this White. That one Eye sees better then two in one and the same Head. Waken but your Eye of Experience, and tell me, if you see not more perfectly and exquisitely with one eye shut, then with both open? For thus the Spirits Visual contract and unite themselves the more, and so become stronger. For the Eyes, if the sight meet not in one single Cone or Angle, [Page 47] see things double, and not in their true proportion and individual Species as Nature formed them.

Besides, Observe but how the Pupil of that Eye, which is open, dilates, when you view your pour­tract in a Looking-glass, and shut the other. And I am sure all cunning Marks-men do chuse to wink with one Eye, that the other may the surer finde and hit the mark. Nay, when the Body is whol­ly depriv'd of sight, the Eyes of the Soul then see best.

And though I commend not those Philoso­phers and Divines, that have emasculated them­selves, and eradicated their Eyes, whether because our Saviour bid, If thy right Eye offend thee, plu [...]k it out, &c. or that the Eyes of their Understand­ing should thereby be the more intense, I know not: yet doubtless Corporeal Darkness causeth a greater Light of Judgement and strength of Me­mory, the Minde being not then by dilitation car­ried away after several Objects and distracted.

Hannibal had but one Eye, and yet espied the Advantage to win many famous Battels. Homer was stark blinde, and yet what Poet more Eagle­sighted, or made more lively and accurate De­scriptions with both his Eyes? Democritus was blinde, and yet (as Laertius sayes) he saw more then all Greece besides. As our Democritus ju­nior, though blinde with one Eye, saw more then all Britain. Tiresias the Prophet, Maleasses and [Page 84] Timoleon were blinde, Roscius squint-eyed, Socra­tes, Aesop, and Horace purblinde; and yet who had more refined Wits and diviner Spirits?

Well then, since the one eyed person may see as clear as the two eyed man, and this is as clear as a Sun beam: I shall hold him another Light up, by which he shall see farther also. See through our Optick or Perspective-glasses, the hol­low of the hand contracted, or through a Level, or when the eye-lids are gathered somewhat close, farther, then when too much light disperses the visual Beams, or weakens them quite, as looking on the Sun will dazle, and by continuance darken. The Night hath its beauty and amiable pleasures. And our New ingenuous Stargazers see through Galilaeus his Glass, with but one Eye, more Worlds, (as that in the Moon and other Planets) then all the wise Philosophers of old did, or could, had they Argus or Linces eyes, & were now living.

The Lover, that is Moon-blinde, (if not stark­blinde as his Cupid) sees a world of beauty in his Dulcinea's face, which her self never saw with both her Eyes in her own false Glass.

And to conclude, the Monoculus or race of In­dians, that hath but one Eye, and that in his middle Forehead, sees two in another mans head, that can see but one in his. Then clear it is, that he that hath but one Eye, sees better, farther, and more, then he that hath two Eyes.

Paradoxical Assertion 11.

Faeminis castra sequi licitè congruum. That Women should follow the Camp.

VVHen Astyages made the Persians flye, their Wives and Mothers met them with their Coats up; asking them whether they would seek for Refuge in their Wombes: with which shameful check being reproved, it made so deep an impress, they resum'd their courage, put their Assailants to flight, and took Astyages Prisoner.

If the like shame will not make men valiant, then Love will: for (as Plato holds) onely Lo­vers will dye for their friends, and in their Mi­stresses Quarrel. Why should not women then so much beloved of men (as he infers) follow the Camp, to be as well Encouragers, as Spectators of their Heroick Actions?

At the Justs or Quintins, what Gallant is not inspired o'the sudden with Valor, when so many young Ladies and admirers of his Person and De­port appear in the Theatre? Cupid goes alwayes armed, and all his Shafts are headed with mertle: What did Medaea's love prompt Iason to effect? [Page 50] The Squire of the Dames himself, Sir Lancelot, Sir Tristram, Sir Huon of Burdeaux, the High and Mighty Don Quixot, nor our Fiercer Saint George (who all fought for fair Ladies sakes) did ever encounter so many Dragons and deaths, as a young Enamorado plumed over with Ladies Fa­vours shall readily embrace. He is forty thou­sand strong o'the sudden, improved beyond him­self and all his hopes; and since Plato was of opi­nion, that Venus infused Valor into Mars, I could me thinks with an Army of such Lovers, under­take a second Conquest of the World. How fought Sir Blandimor and Paradel, those Fairy Knights, in Florimel's presence, all sprent with bloody Gore, for her onely Love, which onely animated them?

But to omit Romantick story, none ever fought like the Spaniards in their Ladies presence, whilst a few of them by that Encouragement overcame a multitude of Moors.

Audaces faciebat Amor——

King Fardinand had never conquered Granado (thinks Castilio) had not Queen Isabella and her Attendants been present at the Siege. And some English Historians believe, That Queen Eliza­beths presence at Tilbury Camp, encouraged both Horse and Infantry more, then all the known Va­lour of her experienced Leaders.

Nay, the personal Valour of some Heroina's [Page 51] in the Conduct of Martial Affairs is wonderfull: Tacitus admires the Britains, who used to war (sayes he) under the Conduct of Women; witness Bonduca, Queen Margaret wife to our Henry the Sixth, and many others, who all equalled the cou­rage of either Hannibal or Scipio.

To pass by the holy Valor of Iudith, &c. in the Apocrypha: The Women of Argus repell'd Cleo­menes the Spartan King, and Demarathus an­other, and freed their City from sacking and ruine. That Sarmatick Nation of the Amazons, famous to all posterity, and born of Mars himself, (as they boasted) what fighting Queens did it pro­duce? These Virago's cutting off their right Paps, that they might be more dextrous at shooting, overcame the greatest part of Europe, and got a good footing in Asia.

When Pyrrhus fought with the Spartans, and was most opposed with that Sex, how shamefully was he beaten back, being forced to retreat with his son Ptolomy, and the strongest part of his Ar­my? The like ado had Marius when he fought with the Cymbrians, to conquer their Wives too; who with Carts and Wagons, Lances, Darts, and Stones sent from the Towers and House tops, so opposed him, that (as Florus sayes) Perinde spe­ciosa mors eorum fuit, quam Pugna. Amalasunta daughter to the valiant Theodorick King of the Gothes, drove the Burgundians and Almains out [Page 52] of Liguria. The dreadful Frown of a Woman turn'd Fury, is able to daunt an Enemy, and look him dead.

It is Revenge that thus steels their Valor. And I am confident, none naturally are more revenge­ful then Women; none more eager, cruel and bloody, in the prosecution of it. Thomyris that noble Queen of Scythia, to revenge her sons death, flew most of Cyrus's Army, and cut off his Head also, with those insulting words, Satia te sanguine, quem sitisti. Again, none more crafty then Women to invent Stratagems, lay Plots and Designs ex tempore; none more subtil to forese [...] and prevent them.

Why may not Gynaecocracy then be allowed, since a Scepter and Distaff are both alike weigh­ty, and Women again be admitted into the Se­nate and Council? Though the Salick Law now forbid Women the Scepter; yet amongst the Celtae in France, they were of Councel formerly, who therefore admitted them, that when they had made too severe Edicts, they with their Lenity and Moderation might mitigate them. For indeed what Heart cannot the Oratory of sovereigne Beauty melt and asswage? What Judge cannot a Calphuria winde and turn to her own interests? Pulcheria did often consult with, and advise her Brother Theodosius the Emperour; Theodora, Iusti­nian; Agrippina, Claudius; Livia, Octavian; [Page 53] Katherine de Medicis, her Husband and sons, all Kings of France like so many Tanaguils,

—Medis levibusque Sabaeis
Imperat hic sexus, reginar úmque sub armis
Barbariae pars magna jacet.—

The Medes, Arabians, and most part of the Bar­barous World (sayes Claudian) was then under Female Governours. Nay, the third part of the World take it's name from Women, (as Herodo­tus observes) Asia from the Mother of Promethe­us; Europe from Agenors Daughter, Europa Iu­piter Courted, Lybia from the Daughter of Epa­phas, &c. And many Cities since bear their Names, as Rome from Captive Romana, Lavini­um from Lavinia: And that inimitable Assyrian Queen Semiramis; in fourty two years subdued most of Asia, built many Cities, Babylon the chiefest, and checkt the waves of proud Euphrates.

But I trifle. What can men indeed do without them either in War or Peace? A Woman with her Thunder-clapper can Roar and Batter like a Canon: And if her Beauty blinde you not, she can with her Distaff (especially if she set Fire to the Tow) first smoke a man into silence, and then Cudgel him with it into perfect Obedience. Wit­ness the Valiant Zantippe's in all ages, who wear the Breeches, govern at home, and command their Cuckolds abroad, that they may play Rex both there and abroad with more security.

[Page 54]Are not such Tisiphone's then think you fittest for the Camp? Nay, such Hecate's, such furious Spirits, what wise Leader would not place in the very front of the Battel? for these are no Hag­gards; they scorn to turn tail, but boldly march forward, encountring the point of the fiercest weapon, and like Messalena are perhaps tired, but never weary of the Combate.

Surenus the Parthian General, when he War­red against the Romans, carried about with him constantly two hundred Concubines. And do not our Swiss Souldiers in France, Italy, &c. (as well as some of other Countreyes with their Doxes) march to this day most commonly with Bag and Baggage, accompanied with their Wives? such Amazonian Eyes dart like Lightning, and ca [...] strike fire out of the most soft and leaden Spirit.

Since then shame or love will make a Coward bold as Hector, since a Womans Anger, Envy, Ambition, Hatred, and Malice is so mighty and invincible, and prompts them to dire attempts be­yond the thoughts of most men; all objections of the indecency, weakness of body and minde through fear, modesty, &c. innate to that Sex, (as many falsly suppose) being laid aside; and a [...] thus answered: Women I say ought, if they have not lost their pristine Valour, to follow the Camp as well as Men.

Paradoxical Assertion 12. Constantia apud unic [...]m Messalinam non Virtus constat, sed Solaecismus; & gravius est pecca­tum, quàm Fornicatio apud plurimas. That Constancy to one Messalina is no Vertue, but a Solecism in Nature; and is a greater sin then Fornication with many.

THough all offences are not capital, and yet are without Repentance and Mercy all alike Penal, contrary to Iovinians Error which he suckt from the Stoick Schools, who think all Faults alike grievous: yet I shall evince this Truth, that that Constancy, which in Italy many Curtizans boast of to their Paramours, is not onely not a Vertue, but a Vice; nay, a greater sin then Forni­cation with many, and therefore in Nature also becomes a meer Solecism.

Degrees then in sin being allowed, for certainly to Rob a Church is more hainous, then to steal an Apple.

Nec vincit ratio tantundem ut peccet idemque,
Qui teneros caules alieni fregerit horti,
Quam qui noctur [...]os Divum sacra legerit—

For shall we not accompt him a greater Crimi­nal, [Page 56] that of his own head, without any leave of the Neighbourhood asked or granted, shall en­close a part of a Common, and appropriate it to his private use and benefit, then the Rich man who over-stocks it? And is not there par vatio in the enclosure of Woman kinde?

Where a Fence must be made, the Church is to set the Hedge, and consecrate the Bounds: But when profane Atheists or Independent Teach­ers will Marry themselves (for this looks like Marriage, it being the Devils craft to come as near as he can to God in shew, so to bereave him of his Honour) in meer opposition to the Church; what is this, but usurping the Churches Priviledge, and a most malicious slighting of those Holy Or­dinances appointed first by God himself in Para­dise?

Observe also where Marriage is a Sacrament, and the Priests themselves forbid to partake of it; Stews are permitted even in Rome it self, in policy to keep their Wives honest. For they hold it im­possible, (as well they may) so many idle, lusty, well-fed gallants, Monks and Fryers should live Chaste: and therefore are these Ambu [...]ajae or Brothel houses tollerated and connived at, to prevent (as they insinuate) both Adultery and Murther.

Well then, where such a Platonick Common­wealth and Community of men and Women is [Page 57] permitted, where Fornication to allay the bilious heat of Concupisence is counted necessary, or but a Venial sin; why should any man think (espe­cially there) to empale any part of this Common which lies so freely exposed to the publick good and benefit of all, since the publick must ever be preferred before any mans private interest?

If then, I say, it be such an apparent injury there, what shall an enclosure, a constant Forni­cation with one be accounted in all the Reformed Churches, where all Fornication is wholly and ab­solutely forbid and punished? What is this licen­cious juking but a dwelling in sin? and to repeat it with the same party, what doth it argue, but a greater lust? Whereas the act committed ac­cidentally with strange persons, and that but per­functorily perchance and in fear, it being not aggravated with those other evil circumstances, is by so much the more excusable. So that since all Fornication in general is unlawful in every Christian Church, and so prejudicial in that espe­cially: by a Sorites, or induction à fortiori, it must needs be a greater sin and offence amongst us, who are otherwise taught both by the Laws of God and Man, that such Carnal Copulation most deeply entrenches upon Gods Honour.

But all Religion set apart, (as it is in truth a­midst these bruitish sensualities) what rational man would be wedded to one single Whore? who [Page 56] would be bewitched with one Lais? a tye more slavish then it is ignoble? And I would fain know, what natural carnal man, unrestrained either by Divine and Humane Laws, would by the Dictate of his own Reason, be confin'd to one onely, when his sense and appetite with the Mahome­tans prompts him to a more pleasing variety.

The Nicholaites, Adamites, &c. use a more pro­miscuous Venery, and think it lawful, without either respect of age, person, quality or conditi­on, to mingle with any they first light on: as the Heathen were wont naked to satisfie their Lusts like very bruit Beasts in their Sacrifices, before their Priapus.

Since then by meer natural instinct both men and beasts do all alike most incline to a promiscu­ous Community; and since to a Christian guided by Religion and Reason, an Impropriation (espe­cially of what we cannot call our own, and is per­formed without the Solemnity of the Churches joyning hands) is no way allowed; upon these grounds, I say, such a bruitish Constancy is no Vertue, but a greater sin then Fornication with many; and is a very Solecism in Nature.

Paradoxical Assertion 13.

Qui magis sapiunt, magis insipiunt. That the deepest Scholars are the shallowest Asses.

THat they are so in the eye of the world is ob­vious: who more ridiculous in all compa­nies? while the meer Scholar looks like his Ass in the Colledge Quadrangle, and can hardly eat his meat for being stared upon. His Discourse smells o'the Lamp: Fough, cry the ignorant, he is unsavoury, morose, Pedantick, a meer Fardle of musty Books, whilst his Learning comes from him like water out of a bottle by gulps, or not at all: and then,

Scire tuum nihil est, nisi te scire hoc sciat alter.

This is the vulgar Remarque upon Learning and learned men: the more's the pity; though in truth the best do but delirare, and are but Erectae stul­titiae statuae, as Scaliger calls them. It is Ignorance, blessed Ignorance, we all know, is the Mother to Devotion. Erasmus is as famous for his Moriae Encomium, as learned Bacon for his Advancement of Learning.

Though I shall not therefore altogether decry [Page 60] humane Learning with our new-gifted Precisians, because the Apostles were but plain Fishermen, &c. being Homo trium literarum my self: Yet I presume I have just Learning enough to evince this Assertion, That the Scioli, the Gnosticks, and most profoundly learned men in all Ages have found out the greatest Errors, Schism's, Heresies, &c. and have been guilty of more Madness and Folly, then the more sober, illiterate, and quiet Proletarii, whose implicit Faith without unpro­fitable Disputes (of which there is no end) is pin'd upon the Churches sleeve.

I may tell these acute and sophistical Jesuites and subtil School-men, as Agrippa told Paul, much Learning hath made them mad. They ha­ving more need to plant Hellebor, or set up three sails for Anticyra, then many others of shallower Capacity.

Aristotle the prince of Phlosophers, who said, There is never any great wit, sine mixturâ demen­tiae, without a mixture of Madness, verified this saying first himself; for who but a mad man would have drowned himself in the Sea, because he understood not the reason of the Seas re­fluxes?

And I pray betwixt Madness and Folly what's the difference? No more then inter Amentem & Dementem, Scotum & Sotum: The one perhaps never was, the other nor was, or ever will be in his [Page 61] right wi [...]s. So that this priviledge a Fool hath a­bove a Wise Man, he can never run out of his wits, which many that think themselves wise now a­dayes do, at least are much besides them.

Indeed no Fool to the wise Fool: Sapientia prima stultitiâ caruisse. And no man so little wise, as he that thinks otherwise: the Overwise, being siingular in that self-conceited opinion of his own Wisdom and Judgement. Seest thou a man wise in his own Conceit, there is more hope of a Fool then of him, saith Solomon. Lipsius was so puffed up with his Pedantick Learning, that he bragg'd, he onely sowed Wisdom in the Netherlands. Pa­racelsus elevated above his Mercury, boasted him­self Divine, a Miracle-monger, that he could make little men, and raise the dead to life. Ovid thought his Poetry eterniz'd him,

Iam (que) opus exegi, quod nec Iovis ira, nec ignis, &c.

Keplar's Lunary transported him beyond his new World in the Moon, into the third Heavens and fantastick Empyraeum of those giddy Chymaera's. Indeed all excellent Musicians, Painters, Poets and Lovers, are allowed to be mad, Poeticâ licentiâ. And you may ever observe, that the most exqui­site Artist in any Science or Manufacture, is the most conceited, and most transported with his own acquired Perfections.

But in Divine Affairs (though true Wisdom is no where to be found but in Holy Writ) how [Page 62] many Millions of Mad Enthusiasts have we? Such as pretend by their speculative Divinity, they are a Secretis to God Almighty; that they know what God is doing, and when he shall come to judge the World, &c.

To pass by the superstitious folly of each Order in the Roman Church, their ridiculous Legends, Traditions, and more idle Customes, all taken up upon trust: who cannot but see and admire the absurd Tenents, and most frantick Blasphemies of these grave Heads (as they call themselves) of the Church and particular Sects in all Ages? How many have fansied themselves to be Elias and Christs? as our Eudo do stellis in King Stephens time: David George in Holland, with Hacket, Bur­chet and Hovat of late in England? What mon­strous Opinions have many other hair-braind Ie­hu's, lead since by the dictates of their own Pha­natick spirits broached and obtruded to the [...], who are ever apt to be turned about with any winde of Doctrine? And when the Guides are thus blinde and blinded with their own Zeal and Folly, needs must the blinder Flock mis­carry.

Nor can his wife Holiness who sits in Cathedra, and cannot (at least as we are bid to believe) erre, be acquit from this infectious Leprosie of Madness and Folly, in assuming and obtruding it to the people, Gods Attribute to himself, Infallibility. [Page 63] Indeed now adayes each man is Infallible, and wise in the Achme. And whereas Greece could heretofore boast but of seven Wise men, now we cannot finde so many fools, if all the foolish Ga­latians and Gotham Coxcombs were but Cate­chiz'd. And this is the height of Folly.

Since then Bernardus non videt omnia, and that the wisest men labour with fits of Folly; For so wise Socrates after all his search into Nature, and indefatigable study, did at last confess of himself, Hoc tantum scio, me nihil scire. Since our Masters of Arts are but Inceptors, but then beginning to learn, (when they have as they believe at least) devoured all the Arts: since all such as must be wise by Inheritance or Succession, as Popes, Rich men and Magistrates, are all but Sapientum Octavi, wise men in the Eight degree: since I say, Solomon the wisest of men concludes all is Folly and Vanity: and since unus utrique error, sed variis illudit partibus: all men erre, and are consequently fools: I may certainly conclude, That the deepest Scholar, though he study by E­pictetus Lanthorn, sees no farther into a Milstone then the most illiterate Peasant, and commonly dotes with the greatest Folly.

Paradoxical Assertion 14.

Qui nullis infestantur inimicis, sunt miserrimi. That those that have no enemies, are most miserable.

Nec Amicum haebeo, nec inmicum.

THus Nero having enemies enough, falsly ex­claimed, when even to avoid being surpri­zed of his enemies he could not finde one courte­ous Friend to dispatch him. But what man living else can say, he hath no enemy? or in truth who can say, he hath a true friend?

Populus me sibilat,—

sayes the Miser in Iuvenal. Let the whole Popula­cy deride and hiss at me, let the whole Town en­vy and revile me;

—At mihi plaudo:
Ipse domi simulac Nummos cont [...]mplor in arca.

What care I for their hate, so long as I have a friend in a Corner? let them laugh on, so will I, so long as the great God Mammon smiles in my Chests. Is it not much better to be envied, then to be pittied? Thus he. And thus may any Rich or Eminent person securely argue.

'Tis true, all Eminency draws Envy after it na­turally; as the Sun draws all eyes. And we see that Bowl that is next the Mark is ever most aimed at. [Page 65] Observe all the Darlings of Fortune, the Favorites and Minions in all Princes Courts, if Emulation, Detraction, Envy and Hate, have not attended all their Greatness.

Seneca was hated for his Eloquence and Riches. Se [...]anus for his popular Power. Our Wolsey for his Wealth and Grandure &c. yet though these, cum multis aliis, were envied for their Riches, even by their Princes also, (who as often fleeced, squeezed, and devested them of them again) it doth not therefore follow, that Ministers of State should cease to aspire, or do great things, if good. For so long as they live justly, act faithfully, and can preserve their Soveraigns favour, no matter how loud the Vulgar bark at them and traduce their Vertues.

I cannot therefore chuse but blame Publius Ventidius his supine fear, who after three Victo­ries over the Parthians, sate down modestly, threw down the Cudgels, and would not prosecute his good fortune, for fear of Mark Anthony's Envy, or Hate, under whom he served, though he were his superiour.

By the same reason our Richard the first should have desisted his brave Exploits in the Holy Land, because his Ambitious Corrival and Emulous Fel­low-fouldier, Philip of France, envied him so much, and cavill'd at all his Proceedings. No; a gallant Spirit degenerates, when it furles up [Page 66] within itself through Bashfulness; and▪ [...] sloth or fear of Envy, declines such places of T [...] as he can manage, and to which he is most adapt­ed by Birth and Education.

Let the humble Lapwing pick worms; Aquil [...] non capit muscas. A sting of a Wasp shall no [...] fright a wise Husbandman from his Honey-co [...]b and Hive.

Shall a valiant Leader fear two or three Pick▪ thank Enemies, or back-biting snarling slandere [...] at home, that dares look thousands of Enemies i [...] the face in open field undaunted? Shall a Minister of State fear the frowns or hate of the people▪ for whose publique good be bends all his ende [...] ­vours? Or what need he care for some few en­vious mens undervaluing, so long as without Op­pression or Insolence he can set uppermost in the warm sun-shine of his Masters favour? Shall he fear to amass Riches, so long as he doth but [...] ­dere pecus, not deglubere? or doth not by griping too much, amass a publique Envy and lose all? Shall he fear Enemies abroad, that hath such [...] sure friend at home, a good Conscience? Amicus Socrates, Amicus Plato, fed magis Amica Veritas, should be the Result of every honest man: for he that can preserve Truth and Honesty in his breast is happy without other Friends, and need not fear any Enemies.

Well then; since the Rich and Powerful that [Page 67] have so many▪ Emula [...]ours and bitter Enemies are yet most happy, then certainly the poor Man who hath no such Enemies, and whose pittiful Estate and Condition no man envies, is of all men most miserable: for all his dayes are miserable. Nay, though the poor Man be never so wise, honest, [...]earned, or well-deserving, yet is he neglected and slighted of all his neighbors, Projectâ vitior Algâ. Homer must stand without door, sing Ballads, or [...]eg, if he want money: for unhappy Poverty makes a man not onely Ridiculous and Contem­ptible, but Base; forces him to ill actions, steal [...]nd be hang'd, and what more miserable?

This necessity is as terrible, as well as it is In­gens telum, that in Iaponia to avoid hunger and beggery, if they be poor, they stif [...]le their Chil­dren, or make an abort, which Aristotle cruelly commends. The like has been done in China. Nay, Christians (if we may believe Munster) in Lithuania, have mancipated and sold themselves, Wives and Children, to rich men, to prevent those fatal extreinities of Want, Sickness, Hunger, and [...]arving.

Since then, no man doth, or can live without [...]ome Enemies, but the wretched▪ Beggar, (whose onely one is a Constable) and no Juments so ser­vi [...]e, slavish and miserable, as Poor men, who are the Pack-horses or Foot-stools for the Rich to [Page 68] get up on and ride; I may positively conclude▪ That such Poor men, who onely have no Enemies are most miserable.

Paradoxical Assertion 15.

Dignior inter Pedites primus, quàm inter Equestres secundus. That it is better to be Head of a Private House, then the Tail of a Noble Family.

—Famae servit ineptus,
Qui stupet in Titulis & imaginibus.—

L. Brutus, at the first Rise of the then Roman Aristocracy, though he had Title fair enough to the Crown, yet perceiving the peoples dis­affection to Monarchy, chose rather to be the first Consul, then the last Prince. Like that worthy Gentleman, who resolved rather to sit still at the upper End of the Bar-Table, then Below his Puisnees at the Bench, who were otherwise be­neath him both in Learning, Judgement, and Desert.

[Page 69]Tis true, the people

—Stultus honores,
Saepe dat indignis;—

But a wise Prince will prefer none but those that best deserve.

The Switz, Ragusian, and United Provincial Democracies, (as the Turks do at this day advance their Bassawes) admit none to wear Honours He­reditary; nor any to bear Office, but the most learned, wisest, and best qualified. He that is Heir to the Vertues as well as Fortunes of a noble Fa­mily, is fittest to govern an Estate. And such He­phestions onely being more honourable in Birth and Education, are for their Valor and Integrity fit Pillars for a Commonwealth.

There a young Lordling possessed of many Mortgaged Mannors, as crackt as his Manners, is turn'd Spend-thrift, and makes more haste to Po­verty, then all his griping Ancestors did to grow rich. Here's one runs his Estate out with his Dogs and Horses. Another makes it fly with his Hawks after Butter-flies, or Birds of small value. Here's one with the Palsie in his Elbow, shakes it and the House so long, till it crack or fall at one stake. Another Sybaritical Glutton, Apicius-like, en­to [...]bs his Fathers Lands and Houses in his Belly; [...]r being given to Wine, pisses out his Patrimony against a wall. Here one consumes all in sum­ptuous Building, and buries all in the Rubbish. Another prodigious Prodigal prostrates his Estate [Page 70] to a prostrate Cleopatra, consumes himself and Fortune amongst Women, through the Saltness of whose Tails he entails Shame and Beggery to his half-pockified Posterity.

If such be the end of most of our Nobility and gallant Gentry, they may well get Supporters [...] their Arms: Though when they are Crest-fallen▪ and reduced to Poverty, all their Crests and glo­rious Coats will hardly keep them warm: nor when hungry, will their painted Lions and Eagles feed them. And thus their shame, as well as Mi­sery is greater, because entailed. F [...]i Caius, o [...] Fui Dives, are both but lamentable Mo [...]to's, when a Patrician in his old age must be entombed in [...] Prison or Hospital.

Stemmata quid faciunt, quid prodest Pontice longo,
Sanguine censeri?—

The twinkling Stars on their Cloaks are little minded when the golden Sun shines not in their Pockets. Alas! Thread-bare Nobility without other Endowments, is a Non ens, a meer flash of Lightning and Airy Fancy, this which so many boast of,

—Nobilit as sola est, atque uniea virtus.

An upstart Horace, Libertino Patre natus, or Ter­rae filius, who by his admired worth and super­eminent qualities steps forward, though he be but a Carpenters Son, and so knows best how to raise his House, is more honourable, then such out-side▪ [Page 71] Glo worma, who swell with Honours and shine with [...]ng-winded Titles, and carry no true and constant▪ heat of Vertue and Magnanimity in their Breasts.

Why then should a mean Extraction be despi­sed? E tenui casâ saepe Vir magnus exit. The greatest Houses were once but lean Cottages; and the Capitol was at first covered with thatch. How many from private Souldiers have risen up to be Emperours? as Regillianus, Pertinax, Ma­xi [...]inus, Probus, &c. How many Popes and Car­dinals, for their Cardinal Vertues, have been ad­vanced to the Chair ex infimâ plebe? How ma­ny in all Ages, of all Professions, have raised them­selves out of nothing to great Honours? And set aside our City Majors, (who are seldom elected to that Government but for their Riches onely) who better deserve them?

For tell me: What doth our noble▪ Hero so much boast of? Of his great, great, great Grand­fathers noble Exploits and Services done perhaps in such a Kings reign, and the Barony, or the like, conferr'd upon him for that Action.

—Ole quid ad te?
Nam genus & proavos & quae non fecimus ipsi,
[...] Vix ea nostra voco.—

What if

—Avus tibi mater [...]s fuit atque paternus,
Olim qui magnis regionibus imperitavini.

What is all this to the present Inheritour, if he de­generate into a Pismire, into a [...] an [...] base Neoptolemus? What boots all those fair Houses and ancient Demeasmes descended to him, when he hath not wit enough to keep them, or some­times an Accompt, but suffers his Stewards and Bailyffs to Let and Sell him? Whereas the modest private person of mean though honest Parentage, who strives in a serious Emulation of others Ver­tues, to excel them in the Goods of Nature, meets with the Goods of Fortune also, and in that is much happier in the raising of his elegant super­structure. As that Architect was more famous, that built Diana's Temple, then Erostratus infa­mous that burnt it down: Or as that Mason hath more skill that can build a stately Edifice, then the ignorant work-man that onely knowes how to pull it down.

To conclude then; It is more Honourable to say, This was got by my own Industry and care­ful Endeavours, then when it is too late with shame enough to say, This I lost, sold, or spent, by my Luxury and Folly?

Besides, I am sure a Farthing Candle new light­ed and set up, is much better then one of Four in the pound almost blaz'd away and reduced to hi [...] last Snuff, which alwayes goes out with the greatest stink.

Philosophical PROBLE …

Philosophical PROBLEMS.



Aut prodesse solent aut de­lectare.

London, Printed by R. W. and are to be sold by Charles Webb, at the Bores-Head in St. Pauls Church-yard, 1659.

The Table of the Philosophical Problems.

  • WHy Iews are said to stink naturally?
  • Why a fair Woman is said to be fish below?
  • Why the stone water-spouts are formed conveying water through the Lions Mouth?
  • Why Cuckolds are said to wear Horns?
  • Why drowned women float with their Bellies down­wards?
  • Why there are more Christnings registred then Bu­rials?
  • Why men talk most and loudest when drunk?
  • Why there is reason in rosting of Eggs?
  • Why Englishmen creep to the Chimney in Winter and Summer also?
  • Why the younger Children are more ingenuous then the Eldest?
  • Why Dogs turn round so often before they lie down?
  • Why drunken men run when they cannot stand:
  • Why man is naturally so unapt to swim?
  • Why the Botonick Galenist gets more Gold then the Hermatick Paracelsian
  • [Page]Why mean persons dye of the great Pox, and great persons dye of the small Pox [...] [...]
  • Why the abused husband is called Cuckold [...]
  • Why the covetous Miser is called Hog?
  • Why confident men never blush?
  • Why women naturally grow not bald?
  • Why Barbers are news- [...]ongers?
  • Why men are sooner inebriated at dinner then at supper?
  • Why Melancholly men are witty?
  • Why the Cornutee loves the Cornutor?

Philosophical PROBLEMS.
Why Iews are said to Stink Naturally?

Non bene olet, qui bene semper olet,

SAid witty Martial satyrically: so that that according to his sense, the Jews may be said to stink indeed, because, ever ex­treamly odoriferous, being anointed with Saffron, Nard or Oyl of Spike, &c. to preserve their dainty bodies from infection. Perhaps they [Page 2] still smell of the strong Garlick, Onions, and Flesh-pots of Aegypt, in which they so delighted. Or is it not because they feed the best and [...]ean­est of all men, and so the Philosophical A [...]iom may be best verified in them, Corruptio optimi est pessima. This verity holding Analogy also in their manners and nature, as well as diet.

For they, who were once the Peculiar and elect people of God, are now become the unsavou­ry cast-awayes, the Refuse, Vagabonds and Ster­gulinious Off-scourings of the World. And in this accursed detestable Notion they are shunned in all Countreyes, as the Pests of mankinde. And for this may most properly be said to stink in the offended Nostrils of God, and of all good Men.

Or is it, because their Noses are of the size of Martials Papilus, so long and great, and there­fore full of Mucre and Stink? or because the Jews-Ears grow on stinking Elder (which Tree that Fox-headed Iudas was falsly supposed to have hanged himself on.) And so that natural stink hath been entailed on them and their Posterities as it were ex traduce. Or do they not rather stink for fear of being abused and undone (as it hath been the fate of these scabbed sheep to be [...] and Tar-markt in whatsoever Climate they have shifted) these Dei-Regicides being both the scorn and the hate of all Common-wealths, but such as are like them Anti-Monarchical.

Why a fair Woman is said to be Fish below,

According to the Verse,

Desi [...]t in Piscem Mulier Formosa s [...].

BEcause some of them are she-Otters, nei­ther Flesh, nor Fish, nor good Red-Herring; and so being reckoned amongst the Amphibolous Animals, men had need look to their waters. Or is it because from the wat [...]ing-place down-wards they Bath with Susanna so long till the El­ders shoot them 'twixt winde and water, and then board their weak Pinnaces? Or because they are Composed of Phlegm and Water, of a flesh-flishy substance (for there is a flesh of fish also) and we commonly say, he that holds a woman hath a slippery Eel by the Tail? Or is it, because the Back of a Tench and the Belly of a Wench are conjoyn'd? Or because their Fish-pools smell of Old Ling, whilst that taste and savour gives the Maids and Mermaids the best relish, and a Tail of Green-fish buttered well with Eggs, you know hath the like Gusto.

Or is it not because they are Venus-like, born of [Page 4] the Sea, like that fair unconstant Goddess their Queen-Mother, their lower parts like hers, being [...]er moist and coldest, according to the Adage.

A Dogs Nose, and a Womans Knee,
They at all times cold will be.

But I rather believe it is, because women are (or ought to be at all times) as mute as fishes, and so might be suspected to be fish all over, did they not devour more mans flesh, then either Spinola's Whale, or Seneca's Lampreys.

Why the stone water-spouts are formed, conveying water through the Lions Mouth?

WHy? the Stone-cutters fancy a Lion vo­miting up the rain-waters, may either be because as the Lion Roars with open mouth, so through his fierce Aquaeduct those violent inun­dating streams are made to roar also. Or perhaps the Lions are there placed, as the Devil is over Lincoln, with sowre and terrible looks (as their [...] that sp [...]e are Lion-like) onely to fright Theeve [...] from the Mansion.

[Page 5]Or because the Lion is supposed to forget its Ferity, and minister cordial waters to the use of Mankinde: according to Ennodius his Elegant Epigram of a Marble Lion ejecting water as it were out of his bowels; which he thus concludes

Effera dum vitreos effundunt marmora fontes
Dira salutiferis corda lavantur aquis.

But I rather agree with Plutarchs conceit: that the Lion is made to belch forth waters; be­cause when the Sun hath passed Leo, they then stream most abundantly.

Why Cuckolds are said to wear Horns?

WHen the Woman is the verier Beast, why should the innocent Husband wear the Horns? Unless you'l say he looks like Aesops Asse with his two ambitious ears (which may be mistaken for Horns) cropping of Thistles, whilst the Rampant Adulterer crops the sweet flowers of his wives Chastity?

Is it not because the abused Cuckold becomes Lunatick at the Affront, and so every Moon at [Page 6] least being either changeable, jealous, or horn­mad, or all three, he wears her Horns by Assi­mulation? Or is it because the Cuckoldly Actaeon is transformed into a Stag by his Ephesian Dia­na? Or being an Hunts▪man, like him, in perpe­tual Chase of his wives suspected Chastity, doth he therefore wear the Bugle to wind it aloud when the Deer is fallen? Or as the Snail which is said to have Horns also, that appear but seldome; so doth not this Hedge-creeper thrust out his Horns sometimes at his forehead, and as often put them up quietly, and wear them in his pocket?

Or is not this monster rather said to wear the Horns, because other men with their two fore­fingers point and make Horns at him? And thus vext and nettled, he scratcheth his aking head, when it is his salt-wives tail onely that itches? Or doth he not swear damn him and ram him so of­ten, till at last he look like Aries indeed? Or since they be both one flesh, and she sins under Covert Baron, but with her Husbands Limbs, he being the Head, why should not the Horns in ju­stice and reason be fitly placed upon the mans forehead, as who would say,

Quam pulchrum est digito monstrari, & dicier hic est!

So that a Salacious woman, (who is of the Epicaene Gender) may well be compared to the flesh-de­vouring Eagle, which is Aquila, both he and shee.

Why drowned women float with their Bellies downward?

SInce it is the natural disposition of light wo­men to fall backwards, and since Philosophy tells us, that heavy bodies move downwards, and that all light things tend upwards, why should women then renverve to men when drowned, lie with the face downwards, which part being fair, they have least cause to be ashamed of? This Problem might have puzzled Aristotle (that stu­died them well) were he now alive; and have made him that studied the Sea as much have drowned himself agen, for indignation that he could not solve this Riddle.

Is it because women are so naturally given to change, that when dead also they maintain the same mutality against the Laws of Art and Na­ture? Or because that changeable and uncon­stant Element is governed by the Moon, do they therefore with their multiformed Governess af­fect the like preposterous change in their Bodies also, whilst they float thus arsie-varsie upon that uncertain Element? Perhaps it is because Venus was born of the Sea, and therefore women na­turally love and embrace as it were with their [Page 8] Arms and face towards it, when dead, that speci­ous Element whence that fairest Queen of Wo­men was extracted.

Or may it not rather be suspected, they are looking towards the Infernal Pit, whether Charon is ferrying their black souls, and they are [...]ailing? Did not Charity oblige me to a more candid construction of this their Aversness Heaven-wards, and bid me rather believe, that by natural instinct, the innate Modesty of that Bash­ful Sex thus endeavours to hide from us it's Na­kedness, as Pudenda.

Why there are more Christnings Registred in England then Burials?

THough there is a Statute for all men to dye; and none was yet translated to Heaven (for I doubt whether Enoch and Elias are bodily there as yet) but through Ezekiels Valley of dead and dry Bones: And for that cause Iohn the Evange­list was falsly suggested not to dye, upon our Sa­viours Hypothesis, VVhat if he tarry till I come? Though Moses his Burying-place was concealed, least perhaps the Idolatrous Israelites should have adored his Shrine, or for other reasons best known to God himself: yet that there are more Christned, then Dead or Buried now adayes in England, is Billa vera, and as sure as Death it self.

Is it then because the Font being at the Church entrance, and therefore more perspicuous, and that we take notice of those that enter the stage at first with more attention alwayes, then him that speaks the Epilogue? Or because one Childes crying in the Temple is more observ'd then the Exit's of twenty men stealing thence quietly one by one before Sermon be ended? Or is it because our Iordans of late o'reflow with Anabaptists, [Page 10] who whilst they multiply Baptismes, wash away Christianity it self?

And truly this last reason might most prevail with me, did I not rather fear, that too too ma­ny by ill deferring it, dye before they be so hap­py as once to be registred amongst Christians in holy Church? But indeed this certain Truth is raised from Policy and Experience.

For this Island is naturally wholesome, and since so many are translated hence to Forreign Plantations; since some kill themselves, and are denied Christian Burial; since many others dye in the Wars, on the Seas, or Gallows, and are numbred with the Dead indeed, but their number not particularly known: It is no wonder the Church-yards swell no more with Grave-stones, and that by these violent and unknown wayes and means, the Christnings should exceed the Burials in every Parish.

Why men talk most and loudest when they are drunk.

SInce full Hogsheads do least resound, and empty Casks return the best and clearest an­swer, why should men when swilled with drink and fullest, be fuller then ordinary with noise and clamour? You will reply perhaps, That they are then emptiest. For having turn'd out o'doors the Minde▪ and the rational Soul either dislodged at present, or withdrawn to sleep in some corner of the Body, according to the Proverb, VVhen the Drink is in, the VVit is out, And so being as it were out of themselves, devoid of their Reason, they may be truly said then emptiest, in the Gar­ret especially, and so no wonder if they be heard loudest, over the whole House.

Or are they not like our Organ-pipes, which never sound full and loud, till soundly filled; and then, like them, no sooner full, but roaring? Or doth the Spirit of Wine enliven and embolden them the more? Or the oyliness of the Grape doth it so supple the Tongue and untye the Liga­ments thereof, that it may run the more easily? Or doth not the jovial God Liber, to whom they sacrifice, assist them to speak the more freely and [Page 12] loudly; that, thus amidst the high Jollities of those Bacchanals, they may the better be heard of that Deity they then invoke. Indeed the Ma­riners in a storm at Sea cry alwayes loudest: So in a Deluge and Sea of Drink, where the Understand­ing is first shipwrackt, the troubled Sea-sick Sai­lors must with the Billows storm for company in this Confusion, or else they cannot hear▪ for un­derstand one another either but seldom do, unless it be by signs.

Or doth the continual pouring forth of their Liquors deafen them, like the by-dwellers to the Cataracts of Nyle? and so make them hoop and hollow to one another as they were all hunting the Fox in the Wild of Kent, or dwelt in Chaucer's Mill? Or doth the Drink make them wise, or at least think they are so, and accordingly make every one abound in his own Sense, and Quarrel too, as in the Battel of the Lapithae, if that be contradicted?

But I rather believe the cause why the notori­ous drunken Anthonies of this age are so obstr [...] ­perous, is either because their stomachs boil with St. Anthony's Fire, or that they do m [...]è a [...]dire indeed in either sense: And therefore their Rea­son being lost, (as Losers may have leave to speak) they plead the louder with their Stentorian voices. For the Drunkard that was Bos in linguâ when sober, animated with Liquor, makes more noise then twenty Gossips and Midwives at a Labor.

Why there is Reason in Roast­ing Eggs?

IS it because there is a Reason in all Dominion, and to rule the Roast well, is no small part of Reason and Judgement? Or because men are so apt to cry Roast-meat as they are, and to cry up any thing that is good? Is not therefore the Roasted Egg cryed up because it is as full of Good­ness, as it is of Yolk? Or because there is more then ordinary skill in Roasting them exactly, then in Boiling them?

Or are not Roasted Eggs therefore preferred▪ not onely in that they are substantial and geni­tive, and so have materiam primam in them: but because they multiply of themselves with the Crums of Comfort into Scholars Eggs, and so may very well be thought Reasonable? Or be­cause the Egg sits upmost at the upper end of the Table, and with them the Meal is commenced? Is it not therefore accounted the worthiest Viand, and consequently in Reason to be preferred.

Why English Men creep to the Chimney in Winter and Sum­mer also?

THis is, because that place is coolest in the Summer, and hottest in Winter; according to the Chimneys old Motto, Aestate frigeo, Hyeme calesco. Thus under the notion of being com­fortably refreshing in both Seasons alike, it draws us to it, as if there were a Load-stone buried under the Hearth-pace, by a secret sympathy.

Or do not the pleasant green Boughs, fragrant Flowers, and Water-pots, together with Cool­stones and Marble there scited, invite us all thither▪ for Coolness? For certainly there descends as cool a Breize down the Tunnel, as sometimes comes in at the Door. Or are not our Epicu [...]an Fancies more delighted with, and therefore more enclined to honor that place, that ministers the Fuel to our hot Appetites? Or since in medio con­sistit vīrtus, do we not like that place best as most honourable and most frequented, being scituate in the midst of the Room alwayes by skilfull Ar­chitects?

Or doth not the warm Zeal of an English mans Devotion (who was ever observed to con­tend [Page 15] most stiffly pro Aris & Focis) make them maintain and defend the sacred Hearth, as the San­ctuary and chief place of Residence of the Tute­lary Lars and Houshold-Gods, and the onely Court where the Lady Fairies convene to dance and revel?

VVhy the Younger Children are more Ingenuous then the Eldest?

IT is because the Youngest being robbed of suc­cession into civil Benefits and Lands, therefore our wise indulgent Mother Nature carefully layes up for them a lasting stock of Wit of her own providing, equivalent to a Portion. Besides, though the Younger be less able to help them­selves, and for that cause in many places, by Custome, are first and best provided for: yet since our Common Law gives all the Reall Estates to the Eldest, she (who is the pattern to [Page 16] all Laws) in Equity gives Cunning to the Young­er, that by the help of their Wits, these Ci­tizens of the World may shift and get their Livings.

Some may ascribe this sterility of the Brain in the First-born, to the over early Copulation and Pregnancy in this fruitful Island, where we tread almost as soon as out o'th' shell, and mar­ry for the most part as soon as they do in the hottest Conntreys. And probable enough it is, that thus through the want of Virility, or rather maturity in either Sex, the Off-spring, and that especially the first, is infected with the Rickets of the Minde as well as the Body.

For how should two Striplings in whose smooth Faces neither Sex can be distinguished, who both cannot count twice Thirteen, and scarce understand what, or how they act, or which way they come into the world them­selves, at their first Venereal Rencounters, get other then such Insects and Pigmies in Stature and Understanding? Whereas the Younger be­gotten in riper Years, in [...]ature Judgement and Experience, have that well-digested Judge­ment and Reason, ex traduce, derived to them from their more aged and wiser Parents.

Indeed as in that unnatural Disease of the Rickets (known amongst us but lately within these Eighty Years) the Head is too big for [Page 17] the dwindling Body; so as unnaturally the El­dest Brothers Fortune swells, whilst the Under­woods and Younger Suckers would dwindle and consume to nothing, did not Nature carefully feed and preserve them with the sovereign Nectar of Apollo and the Muses. The eldest therefore who commonly suck too long, and much of their fond Mothers Milk, and are most Cockered, may therefore have that Priority allowed them to be the first and greatest Fools, and in time prove Dotards.

Why Dogs turn round so often before they lie down?

IS it because Dogs are more subject to the Ver­tigo or Megrim, then other Creatures; and so being more enclin'd to madness are therefore most restless? Thus while the Syrian Star in the Canicular dayes reigns (at Rome especially) they say Dogs and French-men have their Deliriums and are ever actively turning or walking, though at Noon the hottest time of the day.

Or is it because they are Round-headed, and so being of an Oval and vertiginous disposition, are never quiet, but turning round from one Maze to another Labyrinth? As these giddy turn-coats do through all the wield and blinde Maeanders of Ci­vil and Church Government? Or are they Philo­sophical, and have found out the perpetual moti­on onely? For we read of Tobits Dog (the best of that kinde sure) that he was ever either socia­bly walking with, or dutifully following after his Master, and not at all finde when or where he rest­ed or lay down (though 'tis to be presumed when he did, he was so active, he turned round also.)

Indeed we finde men that are currish, and of a dogged disposition, are ever restless and unquiet. [Page 19] But I rather believe the true natural reason why Dogs turn round so often is, They then go about to lie down. For rest is the end of all Motion and Labour.

Why Drunken men run when they cannot stand?

THe reason of this is best confirm'd by simi­lary demonstration. For example; Observe but how the violent current of an Impetuous River swelled up to the Banks by the sudden inun­dation of showers and encrease of smaller Brooks and Rivulets being stopped by a dam or other obstacle, either runs backward, or over, or on each side of the dam, and at long running falls of it self. Just so a drunken person fill'd up to the very throat with wash, foams and is ready to run over at the Mouth, and will be running, though he be reeling on one side or other, till he gently falls into the Ocean of Liquor perhaps himself spued up but just before.

Is it then because his Brains are hot, and so heat becoming the cause of motion, as well as motion [Page 20] is the cause of heat, that in this restless condition, the Ver [...]igo of the Brain descends into the feet, and sets them on running also? Or are our Eng­lish Drunkards like our Lancashire Bagpipes, no sooner full of Wine, as the others with winde, but going? It being observable in English men drunk or sober, that they rest not long in any one place. Whereas the tun-bellied Sedentary Dutch­man, and more stayed Dane, though they be moved with Wine, yet move they not from the spot, till they fall dead on it under the Table, or are carried thence? Or doth the spirit of the Li­quor infus'd encourage Philosophizing good fel­lows to finde out the perpetual motion, that thus whilst the Spiket's out, the Drink running, Healths flying, the Smoak vapouring, their Brains turning round, and the World running round al­so, they themselves should run also to bear them all company?

Or is not this Volatile Issue of the Brain caused by the Defluctions of Rheumes and Vapours thence, like an Issue of the Body, never well but running? Or is not the professed ▪Drunkard, like a Bowl, without a Biass, which is never well but Trouling and running awry and out o'th' way? For in truth when that force, that moves either of them, laggs; then both of them fall alike instant­ly, as a stumbling horse will rumble forward a good while before he sinks down right.

Why men are sooner inebriated at Dinner then at Supper?

WHen holy Writ sayes, They that are drunken, are drunken in the night; for as Pliny insinuates, they drink then most freely in hope of sleep, which is a great help to the dis­cussing of the fumes, rarifying and settling the brain: Is it not then Problematicall why mens brains are at noon more enclined to intoxication?

Perhaps it is because men are then sipping in regard of their afternoon Dispatches; for sip­ping we all know foxeth sooner then sooping larger draughts.

Or is it not rather because our stomacks are then emptiest; for long fasting makes the heat of our appetite flacid, or quite deads it? Or is it (as Physicians agree) because the passages by which the nourishment should disperse being then shut, it sticks indigested in the mid-way, and diffuses it self later into the veins, and thus through long em­ptiness the stomack oppressed which crude ill hu­mors, nauseates meat, or is sooner satisfied? thus where no good Foundation is laid, there can be no good superstructure: for without ballast the ship over-turns.

[Page 22]But I rather believe men are then soonest ine­briated, because as Bacchus was i [...]ter Bacchanalia then truly Liber, and at night after good digesti­on fittest for Venereal embraces: so men being as little ashamed now, as he was to be seen drunk in the day, drink sub dio, and such drinking in the open air when the Suns heat opens the pore [...], sooner inebriates then drinking in a close room at night.

Why man is naturally so unapt to swim?

SInce man was first preserved by, and out of the waters, and ever since Noahs time has delighted in, and lived on the waters: since he can sail so well lavere, and swim in all waters, with all winds, even against winde and Tide: why should man then of all Creatures be so unapt to swim when his naked-body (fittest therefore for that purpose of all other Creatures) is first expo­sed to the mercy of that soft and pliant Element? Did not the spirit of God first move on the face of the waters? and ever since have they not been [Page 23] most useful and ministerial to mankinde? That then such sovereign Ministers should prove so bad Masters, so destructive and distasteful to man one­ly, is the greater wonder.

Is it because man hath more of Prometheus his aethereal fire in him, and so because Fire and Wa­ter cannot agree through this Antipathy and Re­luctant Abhorrency, is it that he doth naturally disgust that cold and watry Region? And yet report bears Witches above the Waves, riding on Neptunes hoary Shoulders in Triumph. But this Conceit is so shallow it cannot hold water, nor can so light an opinion, contradicted by daily ex­perience, sink with me into a belief. The Mer­maids indeed ride on Thetis Lap: Nor is it any wonder, since they are more then half fish, that they should swim in their old Element. [...]nd if Ionas were not Transubstantiated Fish in the Whales belly, when he did swim as fast as it, the miracle was the greater. Sure I am, never flesh liv'd so-long in the sale Sea, or lay in such a pickle.

Is it not then the sad weight of our original sin, with the load of actual transgressions, that sinks our stony-hearted bodies down to the bottomless pit, the center, to which all sublunary things do naturally tend?

Or is it not rather an innate fear that makes mans heart all lead, as Peters was, and so conse­quently sinks him into faithless despair?

[Page 24]For certainly man having Arms and Legs, which are the natural Finns and Oars to the Bo­dy, had he but resolution and courage answer­able to move them orderly, might swim as natu­rally and easily as walk, without the help either of Cork or Bladder. Nor is there any habit so na­tural; for the skill being once attained, it is ne­ver through disuse forgotten.

Why the Botonick▪ Galenist gets more Gold then the Her­metick Paracelsian?

WHen the Founder of Spagyrical Physick could (as he vainly boasted of himself) by meer Art make little men, raise the dead to life, and prolong that life to some thousand of years. When Paracelsian extractions are found by expe­rience less loathsome and cumbersome, and withal more spiritually operative, especially when appli­ed with good advice and judgement; why should the dull Herbalist extract more Gold out of his Earthy simples, then the Hermetical Chymist out of his sublimated and more Aethereal Compounds? [Page 25] Is it because their Gold also (since they have re­solved all natural bodies into Salt, Sulphur, and Mercury) is become thereby like the first princi­ples more Mercurial, and so flies away with it, in fumo? Or is it because their artificial separations, preparations, and seemingly Magical applications (as in the weapon salve which Paracelsiis first brought to light) startle the ignorant, who di­ving not into the secrets of natural Sympathies, believe such e [...]res Diabolical, and therefore bring not their Gold to these Magical Physicians? Or is it not because they turn over every Stone in search of the Philosophers, which makes them poor; and instead of turning Iron into Gold, transmute all the Gold into worse mettal and very Cindars at last? Though I am more en­clin'd to believe, that the Botonick sows his Gold with his Herbs in his Garden which so grows with them visibly: whereas the Chymicks impercepti­ble notions of golden Mountains are onely the speculative and Aery Fancies of Quick-silver wits.

For seeing is believing, and the vulgar Patients reason is more satisfied with what he sees and knows to be natural, then with what a strong Faith must prompt him to believe may possibly come to pass, by such extraordinary and praeter­natural (as he conceives) wayes and means.

Why mean persons dye of the great Pox, and great persons dye of the small Pox oftner?

THis is because the rich men bring more Oy [...] to feed the Physicians Lamps, whereas through their frequent Fluxes and Purgations the Oyl in their own Medulla's commonly extinguish­eth soonest.

For example, the great person gives a great fee for his small pox: (which natural disease we bring with us into the World) whereas Dame Nature and one careful Shee-tender, cure it soon­er than the whole Colledge, whilst the poor man is not able or willing to give a small fee for his great Pox, for which Disease the Physicians skill is most requisite. Whereas if the Ientie Pocho would alwayes visit the Gentleman, and the [...]ousie Iobs Pox the Beggar, the one scraped with a Pot­sheard, and liquored with a little Beef-broath; and the other dieted, fluxed, bathed, cleansed with a Syringe, and well purged, might be cured infal­libly, nor would eithers Pox prove fatal? It may be said also, that the rich are so curious in preser­ving their beauties from the malitious Claws of this worse then time-eating small Pox, that to pre­serve [Page 27] the face, the whole body is often hazarded; for fear least these Moles or Earth-worms should break out there too furiously, and make the Phys­nomie▪ look like an Islington-Cake with the Plums pickt out; they with their cool repul­sitives strike them in agen, too and through their very hearts▪ Whereas the lusty Peasant, careless of being disfigured with these Love-dimples, drives them out with a Horse-pox, as they came in, one­ly with the help of a Saffron-Peper-posset, and a strong sweat, and lives to see these tender ones pickled up for the Worms, and worse pitted in their very Graves.

Indeed the great ones are often too strong (I mean not for their sent onely) for the poor man to overcome. Partly, because he is too long ig­norant of his malady, or where it lies: whilst that slye venomous Serpent is crept into his very Bones often, ere he knew it was gotten into his flesh: And partly because his strong diet of Beef, Cheese, Onyons, &c. is most offensive to that Neapolitan, that must be fed cleanly with dry Mut­ton, Clean Larks, and Partridge, &c. and that diet but sparingly. So that the hungry Clown in star­ving this his disease, starves himself, and unless a London Hospital in time set him on his Legs gra­tis, he dies of an Ague or Consumption in the Countrey, where all Diseases are known by those two names onely, and commonly have all one and the same cure.

Why the abused Husband is cal­led Cuckold?

SInce Plautus wittily and with most reason calls the Adulterer, and not him whose Wife is Adulterated Cuculum, the Cuckold, because he begets Children on others Wives, which the Cre­dulous Father believes his own: why should not he then that corrupts another mans wife, be ra­ther called the Cuckow, for he sits and sings merri­ly whilst his Eggs are hatcht by his neighbours Hens?

Is it because the Cuckow is bald; and so the Cuckold by tearing his hair off for anger, or its fal­ling off through his wives unclean rottenness, he becomes bald also as a Sea-cout? Or is it because when that bird sings, all the wood rings, and all the neighbouring Towns must hear of his ap­proach? Or because that bird is alwayes alone, and so is the Cuckold, being from his mate when first adopted, or disconsolate ever after for want of her company? Or is it not rather, because as that bird is hooted at, and look'd on as ridicu­lous; so the monstrous animal with his supposed Horns is stared on as much as if they were there really fixt, and in this notion is as much derided?

VVhy the covetous Miser is cal­led Hog?

BEcause like the Hog he feeds nastily on Roots, Akorns, and Offals, routing up other mens grounds for them also; doth no good, but mischief, whilst he lives; and like the beastly injurious, ravenous, insatiable Hog, is onely good when he is dead?

Or is it not because this earthy muck-worm, wallows and delights in his red dirt? And whereas

Os Homini sublime dedit—

Man of all Creatures is made to look upwards to Heaven, these earthly-minded bruits look downwards, as their thoughts direct them.

—Curvae in terras animae & caelestium inanes.

Why confident men never blush?

Is it because (ignorance and impudence being two inseparable companions, the ignorant are blind, and blind men cannot blush) doth this night of Ignorance and blindness of understand­ing thus cause Bold men, like blind Bayard, to commit Folly and wink at it, as if no body saw them neither?

Or is it the want of soft fear that makes the face Brazen, as if he had been Christned in Pump­water? For whereas in a bashful person afraid to offend, his Heart misgives him in presence of those that observe his defects: so that whilst his face labours, and nature to help it sends up heat, and that heat draws up the subtilest blood, he blush­es, which bold and impudent men careless of others smiles or frowns, do not? Or is it not be­cause bashfulness, or blushing, proceeding either from shame or fear of having committed some evil, being a peculiar passion proper to man onely, cannot paint the cheeks of an impudent beast, though his sins he as red as Scarlet?

But I rather believe such is the effrontery of a Brazen-fac't person, that the thick skin of his hard forehead and face, is as much hardned as his heart is; and so his blood cannot be discer [...]ed, [Page 31] which in a Bashful person is as transparent as his crime.

Why women naturally grow not Bald?

NO wonder why Saleucus King of Syria ne­ver affected Stratonice his wife, after he had espied her Bald-pate, by chance as she was undres­sing: It was a sight so much against the hair, with wonder to be detested. Is it then for that reason Nature will not devest that comely Sex of their chiefest Glory? And are they not thus prompted by her to busie themselves in kembing and pre­serving it? Or is their nature like to that of little Boyes, as Hippocrates affirmes, or that of the Aegyptians, as Herodotus, who are seldome or never Bald, &c. by reason of their frequent sha­ving them in their Child-hood?

Or is it because holy Writ injoynes them to nourish their Tresses, for modesties sake to hide their faces and bodies (as some can) in token of their subjection? Or do they not rather preserve their fleece with art and industery, the sooner to [Page 32] catch their Lovers in those Golden Nets: and in Charity to cover the Baldness of men contracted often by their Venereal embraces? For so the Pea-hens Plumes may conveniently hide her Hus­bands Bulls feathers?

Or is it the coldness of their Brain that keeps the thatch on in policy, whilst men being hotter quit it for coolness? Or, is it because they are not bearded as men are, nor hirsute over the body (as we see beasts that have horns have no upper Teeth) and so nature supplies that defect in ver­tice? Or are they not bald, because old Mistress occasion and Grave Madam Metan [...]a, or Repen­tance, are so? For generally they court neither of these dames, nor will they observe their An­tique fashions.

Why Barbars are News-mon­gers?

Omnibus & lippis notum & Tonsoribus.

IT was the custom, it seems, in Rome, for blinde men having nothing else to do, and idle per­sons having little else to do, to come to the Bar­bars shop, as frequently as we do now to the Change, or Burse, Coffy-houses, to hear news. What wonder then is it, if the Barbar amongst us also becomes a Statesman? (For the same custome is still used) when so many Sir Pols, Athe­nians and lovers of News daily and hourly bring him intelligence? For this cause Actius the South­sayer, and Tarquins Barbar (as I suppose) who with his Razour would cut a Whestone in too, was ever by Tarquin and the people consulted with in all publique Affairs.

Some have hence disputed, whether a Princes Barbar be not therefore enobled? And Angelus and Iason have both concluded the affirmative, because he sticks so close to the Princes side, being à Secretis, ever alone, and first with him in the Morning.

Why may not our noble Triptolemus then, that can cut an hair in two, be the best News-Monger, [Page 34] and by consequence, the most cunning Statesman? For tell me: who is more Inquisitive and Cate­chistical, when you come under his hands, and fit in his Cathedral Chair? Tormenting you with divers impertinent questions oft-times purposely, least you should feel the smart of his Wash-Ball on his Razors wounds? Hath he not therefore his Novel stories at his fingers ends on purpose, as ready as his Customers Nose?

Besides, who hath more to do with News, then he that is so busie ever about the ears? Again, who should be more exact in News, whose shop is the staple of news, where many new faces resort, at least he makes them new before they depart, renewing youth, and refreshing each face he meets with, as new as day?

Why Melancholy men are witty?

IS it because as Trees set thick hinder each others growth, but transplanted singly thrive best; so Scholars in the University, or Court, either thrive not, or in these full Seminaries are not so much taken notice of; whereas if a while Me­lancholly and retir'd, they gather more vivacity and produce it with more confidence in all their witty and well-digested discourses?

For if the Melancholy be not mixt with too much Phlegm, but carries a temperate heat (as a dry light makes a wise minde) it cause a terse and more serene understanding. Whereas when it is adust and sweltred with the continual exces­sive heat of discourse and company (as lime burns when water is cast upon it) it rather inclines to madness then a serious constancy of well tempred wit. Or rather is not the reserved person of the nature of the Melancholy Elephant (whose brain being driest) so becomes the wisest amongst all bruit beasts?

Why the Cornutee loves the Cor­nutor?

IS it because they do convenire in uno tertio, or rather unâ tertiâ; and so by a secret Sym­pathy lovingly agree and direct their lines to one Center? Or is it because where bodies meet, though it be alternatim, love is engendred, and out of frequency of society at last proceeds a har­mony of souls also? Or as the Spaniel who loves his Master the more for beating him, so doth not the Cornutee love the Cornutor the more for cudgelling his wife with his Flabellum or I [...]bel of generation?

Or is it because level coile, is a much more so­ciable and friendly game, then when two onely contend, which makes the sport seem tedious, or more full of animosity in the revenge? But I ra­ther believe, that this disease of the Yellow Jaun­dies is not so frequent in our Northern Climate as in warmer Countreys; and therefore where sus­picion is cold, the fire of jealousie and anger never kindles, but all is done in love; and so but little rancor or heart-burning.


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