Richard Head
The Globe's thy Studye; for thy boundless mind
In a less limit cannot by confind.
Gazing, I here admire: thy very lookes
Show thou art read as well in men, as bookes.
He that shall scan thy face, may judge by it,
Thou hast an Headpeece that is throngd with wit.

[Page] THE English Rogue DESCRIBED, In the LIFE OF MERITON LATROON, A Witty Extravagant.

Being a Compleat Discovery OF THE Most Eminent CHEATS OF BOTH SEXES.

Mans life's a Play, the world a Stage, whereon Learn thou to play, or else be play'd upon.

Si mihi praet [...]ritos referat nune Jupiter annos,
Qualis eram, &c.

Licensed, January 5. 1666.

London, Printed for Francis Kirkman, and are to be sold by him and Thomas Dring the younger, at the White Lyon next Chancery lane in Fleet street. 1668.

The Epistle to the Reader.


IT hath been too much the humour of late, for men rather to adventure on the Forreign crazy stilts of other mens inventions, then securely walk on the ground-work of their own home-spun fancies. What I here present ye with, is an original in your own Mother­tongue; and yet I may not improperly call it a Translation, drawn from the Black Co­py of mens wicked actions; such who spa­red the Devil the pains of courting them, by listing themselves Volunteers to serve under his Hellish Banners; with some whereof I have heretofore been unhappi­ly acquainted, and am not ashamed to confess, that I have been somewhat soiled by their vitious practices, but now I hope cleansed in a great measure from those impurities. Every man hath his peculiar guilt, proper to his constitution and age: and most have had (or will have) their exorbitant exiliencies, erronious excursi­ons, [Page] which are least dangerous when at­renoed by Youthfulness.

This good use I hope the Reader will make with me of those follies, that are so generally and too frequently committed every where, by declining the commissi­on of them (if not for the love of virtue, yet to avoid the dismal effects of the most dangerous consequences that continually accompany them.) And how shall any be able to do this, unless they make an intro­spection into Vice? which they may do with little danger; for it is possible to injoy the Theorick, without making use of the Practick.

To save my Country-men the vast ex­pence and charge of such experimental Observations, I have here given an ac­compt of my readings, not in Books, but Men; which should have been buried in si­lence, (fearing lest its Title might reflect on my Name and Reputation) had not a publick good interceded for its publica­tion, far beyond any private interest or respect.

When I undertook this Subject, I was destitute of all those Tools (Books, I mean) which divers pretended Artists make use of to form some Ill-contrived [Page] design. By which ye may understand, that as necessity forced me, so a generous resolution commanded me to scorn a Li­tuanian humour or Custom, to admit of Adjutores tori, helpers in a Marriage-bed, there to engender little better then a spu­rious issue. It is a legitimate off-spring, I'll assure yee, begot by one singly and soly, and a person that dares in spight of canker'd Malice subscribe himself

A well-willer to his Countries welfare, Richard Head.

On the approvedly-ingenious, and his loving Friend, Mr. Richard Head, the Author of this book.

WHat Gusman, Buscon, Francion, Rablais writ,
I once applauded for most excellent wit:
But reading Thee, and thy rich Fancies store,
I now condemne, what I admir'd before.
Honceforth Translations pack away, be gone;
No Rogue so well writ, as our English one.
M. Y.

To his respected Friend, the Author.

COuld I but reach Bayes from Apollo's Tree,
I'd make a Wreath to Crown thy Work and Thee;
Which yet is needless, now I think upon't;
Thy own great Pen deservedly hath don't.
Of all who write of Thee, this is my Vogue,
None ere writ better of, and is less Rogue.

W. W.

On his deserving friend the Author.

FLetcher theKing ofPoets of his age,
In all his writings throughout every page
Made it his chiefest business to describe
The various humours of thecanting-Tribe:
HisBeggars-bush, and other of hisPlayes
Did gain to him (deservedly) theBayes.
Nature andArt inhim were both conjoyn'd;
None could ere say that his Wit was purloyn'd:
Neither isthine: he did all fancies fill,
FromKings andQueens, unto theMaid o'th' Mill;
And so canstthou, for thou hast here display'd
The Vices of eachSex, and everyTrade.
Wherefore what he in his time wore, dothou
Put on, aWreath ofBays t' adorne thybrow.

F. K.

In stead of the Errata.

THis Rogue hath had his Faults; the Printers too:

All Men whilst here, do erre; and so may You.

Books lately printed for, and sold by Francis Kirkman.

THe English Rogue described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, a Witty Extravagant: Be­ing a compleat discovery of the most eminent Cheats of both Sexes.

Poor Robins Jeasts: Or, the compleat Jeste [...] first and second Part; being a Collection of se­veral Jests not heretofore published, now new­ly composed and written by Poor Robin, Knight of the Burnt Island, and well-willer to the Mathe­maticks; together with the true and lively Effigies of the Author.

The Spightful Sister: a new Comedy, written by Abraham Bayly of Lincolns-Inn Gent.

Money is an Ass, a Comedy, written by Tho. Jordan Gent.

There is now in the Press, and will be publish­ed in few days,

The English Rogue continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon, and other Extravagants, being a compleat discovery of the most Eminent Cheats of most Trades and Professions: the second Part.

THE ENGLISH ROGUE Describ'd in the Life of a Witty Extravagant.


What his Parents were. The place of his own Nativity. His miraculous Escape from the hands of Irish Rebels. His brother being at that very time murdered by the merciless hands of those bloody Butchers.

AFter a long and strict Inquisition af­ter my Fathers Pedegree, I could not finde any of his Ancestors bear­ing a Coat: surely length of time had worn it out. But if the Gentle Craft will any wayes ennoble his Family, I believe I could deduce several of his Name, Professors of that lasting Art, even from Crispin. My Fathers Father had by his continual [...]abour in Husbandry, arrived to the height of a Farmer, then the Head of his Kinred: standing upon one of his own Mole-Hills, Ambition so swel­ed him, that he swore by his Plow-share, that his [...]ldest Son (my Father) should be a Scholliard and [Page 2] should learn so long, till he could read any printed or written hand; nay, and if occasion should serve, write a Bill or Bond.

It was never known that any of the Family could distinguish one letter from another, neither could they speak above the reach of their Horses under­standings. Talk to them in any other Dialect but [...]at of a Bag-pudding of a Peck, or a piece of Beef, (in which their teeth might step whet-shod) and a man were as good to have discoursed with them in Arabick. But let me not abuse them; for some un­derstood something else; that is to say, The Art of Whistling, Driving their Team, and to shooe them­selves as well as their Horses; how to lean methodi­cally upon a Staff, and through the holes of their Hat, tell what it is a Clock by the Sun.

The symmetrical proportion, sweetness of fea­tures, and acuteness of my Fathers wit, were such (though extracted out of this lump of red and white marle) that he was belov'd of all. As the loveliness of his person gain'd always an interest in Female hearts; so the quickness of apprehension and in­vention, and the acquired quaintness of his expres­sions; procured him the friendship of such as con­versed with him. A Gentleman at length taking no­tice of more than ordinary natural parts in him, at his proper charge sent him to School contrary to the desire of his Father, who was able enough to maintain him at School; and to say the truth, this Gentleman offered not my Father his Patronage upon any charitable account, but that he might hereafter glory in the being the chief instrument of bringing up such a fair promising Wit; which he questioned not with good cultivation would bring forth such lovely fruit as would answer cost, and [Page 3] fully satisfie his expectation. Being admitted into the Grammar-School, by the strength of his memo­ry, to his Masters great amazement, in a very short time he had Lillies Rules by heart, out-stripping ma­ny that for years had been entred before him: his Master perceiving what a stupendious proficiency he had made, was very glad that this fair opportu­nity offered it self, that he might be idle, and in or­der thereunto would frequently appoint my Fath [...]r to be his Usher or Deputy, when he intended to turn Bacchanalian, to drink, hunt, or whore, to which vices he was over-much addicted. My Father having now conquered in a manner the difficulties of that Schools learning, began now to lay aside his Book, and follow the steps of his vicious learned Master, the examples of a Superior proving often­times guides to inferior actions,

Regis ad exemplum—

Besides his springing Age (wherein the blood is hot and fervent) spur'd him on, and the natural disposition of his minde, gave him wings to fly [...] whither his unbounded, licentious, self-pleasing will would direct. His Youth introduced him into, all sorts of vanity, and his Constitution of body, was the Mother of all his unlawful pleasures. His Temperament gave Sense preheminence above Reason. Thus you see (which experience can more fully demonstrate) how the heat of Youth gives [...]wel to the Fire of Voluptuous Enjoyments; but without a supply of what may purchase those de­lights, invention must be Tenter-hooked, which ever proves dangerous, most commonly fatal. My Grand-father too indulgent to his son, supply'd him continually with money; which he did the more freely, since he was exempted from such charges [Page 4] which necessity required for my Fathers mainte­nance, he having now more than a bare compe­tency, he not onely consents to the commission of evil, but tempts others to pe [...]petrate the like. And now following his own natural proncness to irre­gular liberty, [...]iurnally suggests matter of innova­tion, not onely to his own, but others reasons. [...] non citius [...] quam in Deum delinquens, non citius surgens [...] insurgens. No sooner relin­quishing his bed, but delinquishing his Creator, No sooner rising, than rising against his God. In short, I know not whether he prevailed more on others, or others on him, for he was facile; the best Na­ture is most quickly depraved, as the purest flesh corrupts soonest, and most noisom when corrupt­ed. Yet notwithstanding these blooming debau­cheries, he neglected not his Study so much, but that he capacitated himself for the University, and by app [...]obation was sent thither by his Patron. He applyed himself close to his Book for a while, till he had adapted himself a companion for the most absolute critick could be selected out of any of the Colle [...]ges: in the assured confidence of his own parts, he ventured among them, and left such re­marks of his cutting wit in all companies he came into, that the Gallants and most notable. Wits of Oxford, covered so much his company, that he had not time to apply himself to his Study; but giving way to their sollicitations, being prompted there­unto [...] his own powerful inclinations, [...]lung'd himself over head and ears in all manner of [...]. For his [...]ewd carriage, [...] wicked practises, and [...] behavior, he was at last [...] the Colle [...]ge.

Now was he forc'd to return to his Father, who [Page 5] with much joy received him, but would not tell him the true cause of his coming down: But to pal­liate his vi [...]lanies, inform'd his Father that he had learned as much as he could be instructed in; and now and then would sprinkle his Discourse with a Greek or Latine Sentence, when talking with the poorignorant old Man; who took wonderful de­light in the meer sound thereof. When my Father spake at any time, they were all as silent as mid­night; and then would my Grandfather with much admiration becken to the standers by, to give their greatest attention, to what the Speaker as little un­derstood at his Auditors, not caring what non-sense he utter'd, if wrapt up in untelligble hard words, purposely to abuse those brutish Plough-jobbers. In ostentation he was carried to the Parson of the Pa­rish to discourse with him; who by good fortune understood no other Tongue but what his Mother taught him; My Father perceiving that, made Shoulderamutton and Rat [...]thumpton serve for very good Greck; which the Parson confirm'd: telling my Grandfather further, that his Son was an ex­cellent Scholar; protesting that he was so deeply learned, that he spake things he understood not; this I have heard him say, made him as good sport, as ever he receiv'd in the most ingenious Society.

He had not been long in the Countrey, before a Gentle woman taking notice of his external and in­ternal Qualifications, fell deeply in love with him; and preferring her own pleasure before the displea­sure of her wealthy Relations, she incontinently was married to him. I shall wave how it was brought a­bout in every particular, but onely instance what is therein remarkable. Doubtless the gestures he used in his preaching (when she was present) might [Page 6] something avail in the conquest of her affections; beginning with a dearly beloved passionately extend­ed, looking full in her face all the while, and be­ing in the time of the Kingdomes alteration and confusion, a temporizing Minister, he had learned all those tricks by which those of his Sect and Coat used to bewitch a female ear. But that which chief­ly effected his desires, was the assurance of an old Matron, that lived near my Mother, who for pro­fit serupled not to officiate a Bawd; this good old Gentlewoman contrived wayes to bring them to­gether, unsuspected by any, by which means they obtain'd the opportunity to perform Hymens Rites, Sans Ceremonies of the Church. My mother finding impregnation, acquainted my Father there­with, who (glad to hear how fast he had tied her to him) urged her to the speedy Consummation of a Legal Marriage; which she more longed for than he did himself, but knew not how to bring it to pass, by reason of those many Obstacles which they saw obvious, and thwarting their intentions. As first, the vast disproportion between their E­states; Next, the Antipathy her Parents bore to his Function. Joyning these to many other Ob­structions, which Fancy and Knowledge presented to them, they concluded to sreal a Wedding, and accordingly did put it in execution. Much troubled her Parents were at first, to hear how their daugh­ter had fhip-wrackt her Fortune (as they judged it) in the imfortunate loosing her Maiden-head, but time, with the intercession of Friends, procured a Reconciliation between them, and all parties well pleased. The old people took great delight in their fortune, hopeful thoughts and expectations of their Son-in-law, but he more in the reception [Page 7] of a large Sum of Money they paid him, and my mother most of all (as she thought) in the conti­nual conversation and enjoyment of my Farther, which she equally ranked with what might be e­steemed the best of things.

His eminent Parts natural, (and what he attain'd unto by his Country studies, being asham'd to have lost so much time) introduc'd him as a Chaplain to a Noble-man, with whom he travel'd into Ireland. He took shipping at Myneard, and from thence, sayled to Knock-f [...]rgus, where he lived both credit­ably and comfortably. Experience had then so re­formed his Life to so strict a religious course, that his Observers gain'd more by his Example, than his Hearers by Precepts. Thus by his piety in the puri­ty of its practice, he soon regain'd his lost credit.

By this time my Mother grew near her time, ha­ving conceiv'd me in England, but not conceiving she should thus drop me in an Irish Bog. There is no fear that England and Ireland will after my de­cease, contend about my Nativity, as several Countreys did about H [...]mer; either striving to have the honour of first giving him breath. Neither shall I much thank my Native Countrey, for be­stowing on me such principles as I and most of my Countrey-men drew from that very Air; the place I think made me appear a Bastard in disposition to my Father. It is strange the Clymate should have more prevalency over the Nature of the Na [...]ive, than the disposition of the Parent. For though Father and Mother could neither flatter, deceive, revenge, equivocate, &c. yet the Son (as the con­sequence hath since made it appear) can (accord­ing to the common custom of his Countrey-men) dissemble and sooth up his Adversary with expres­sions [Page 8] extracted from Celestial Manna, taking his advantage thereby to ruine him: For to speak the truth, I could never yet love any but for some by­respect, neither could I ever be perswaded into a pacification with that man who had any way in­jured me, never resting satisfied till I had accom­plisht a plenary revenge, which I commonly effect­ed under the pretence of great love and kindness. Cheat all I dealt withal, though the matter were ever so inconsiderable. Lye so naturally, that a Miracle may be as soon wrought, as a Truth pro­ceed from my mouth. And then for Equivocation, or Mental Reservations, they were ever in me in­nate Properties. It was alwayes my resolution, rather to die by the hand of a common Executio­ner, than want my revenge, though ever so slight­ly grounded. But I shall desist here to chara­cterize my self further, reserving that for another place.

Four years after my Birth, the Rebellion began so unexpectedly, that we were forced to flee in the night; the light of our flaming Houses, Ricks of Hay, and Stacks of Corn, guided us out of the Town, and our Fears soon conveyed us to the Mountains. The Rebels, wandring to and fro, intending either to meet with their friends, (who flockt from all parts to get into a Body) or else any English, which they designed as sacrifices to their implacable malice, or inbred antipathy to that Na­tion, met with my Mother, attended by two Scul­logues, her menial servants, the one carrying me, the other my brother. The Fates had decreed my brothers untimely death, and therefore unavoid­able, the faithful infidel being butchered with him. The surviving servant who carried me, declared [Page 9] that he was a Roman Catholick, and imploring their mercy with his howling Chram a Crees, for St. Patrick a gra, procured my Mothers, his own, and my safety.

Thus was I preserv'd, but I hope not reserv'd as a subject for Divine Vengeance to work on. Had I then died, no other guilt could have rendred me culpable from Gods Tribunal, but what was deri­vative before Adam. But since, the concatenation of sins various links hath encompassed the whole series of my life. Now to the intent I may deter others from perpetrating the like, and receive to my self Absolution (according as it is promised) upon unseigned Repentance, and ingenious Con­fession of my nefarious Facts, I shall give the Rea­ders a Summary Relation of my Life; from my Non-age to the Meridian of my dayes, hoping that my Extravagancies and youthful Exiliences, have in that state of life, their declination and period.


A short Account of the general Insurrections of the Irish, Anno 1641.

But though the mercy of these inhumane Vil­laius extended to the saving of our Lives, yet they had so little consideration and commiseration, as to expose our bodies (by stripping us) stark na­ked to the extremity of a cold Winter Night, not so much as sparing my tender age. Thus without Shooes or Stockings, or the least Rag to cover our nakedness, with the help of our Guide, we tra­velled all night through Woods as obscure as that black darkness that then environed our Horizon. By break of day we were at Belfast; about enter­ing the skirts of the Town, this honest and grate­ful servant, (which is much in an Irish man) be­ing then assured of our safety, took his leave of us, and returned to the Rebels.

Here were we received with much pitty of all, and entertain'd, and cloth'd, and fed, by some charitable minded Persons; to gratifie their souls for what they had done for my mothers body, and those that belong'd to her, my Father frequently preacht, which gave general satisfaction, and con­tinued thus in instructing his hearers, till the Sark or Surplice, was adjudged by a Scóttish Faction, to be the absolute Smock of the Whore of Babylon. Then was he constrain'd to flie again to Linsegarvy, taking his charge with him.

[Page 11] Before I proceed, give me leave to digress a little, in giving you a brief account of the Irish Rebellion, Not two yeares before it broke out, all those ancient Animosities, Grudges, and Ha­tred, which the Irish had ever been observed to bare unto the English, seemed to be deposited and buried in a firm Conglutination of their Affecti­ons, and National Obligations, which passed be­tween them. For these Two had lived together forty Years in peace, with such great security and comfort, that it had in a manner consolidated them into one body, knit and compacted together with all those Ligatures of Friendship, Alliance, and Consanguinity, as might make up a constant and everlasting Union betwixt them there. Their In­ter-marriages were near upon as frequent as their Gossippings and Fosterings, (relations of much dearness among the Irish) together with all Tenan­cies, Neighborhoods and Services interchangea­bly passed among them. Nay, they had made as it were a mutual Transmigration into each others manners, many English being strongly degenerated into Irish Affections and Customes, and many of the better sort of Irish studying as well the Lan­guage of the English, as delighting to be Appar­rel'd like them. Nay, so great an advantage did they find by the English Commerce and Cohabita­tion, in the profits and high improvements of their Lands, as Sir Phelim O Noal, that rebellious Ring­leader, with divers others eminent in that bloody Insurrection, had not long before turn'd off their Lands, their Irish Tenants, admitting English in their rooms; who were able to give them far great­er Rents, and more certainly pay the same. So as all those circumstances duly weighed and consider­ed [Page 12] with the great increase of Trade, and many o­ther evident Symptoms of a flourishing Common­wealth; It was believed even by the wisest and most experienced in the Affairs of Ireland, that the Peace and Tranquility of that Kingdom was fully settled, and most likely in all humane probability to continue, especially under the Government of such a King as Charles the First, whom After-ages may admire, but never match. Such was the se­renity and security of this Kingdom, as that there appeared not any where any Martial preparations, for reliques of any kinde of disorders, no not so much as the least noise of War whisperingly car­ried to any ear in all this Land.

Now whilest in this great calm, the Brittish con­tinued in the deepest security, whilest all mon sar pleasantly enjoying the fruits of their own labors, sitting under their own (Vines, without the least thoughts of apprehensions of Tumulcs, Troubles, or Massacres, there brake out on October the Twenty third, in the Year of [...]our Lord, sixteen Hundred forty and one, almost desperate, direful, [...] Rebellion, an Universal Desection [...], wherein not [...] the meer Native [...], [...] almost all those English that profest the [...] were totally involved [...] solved by me to give you a [...] the most remarkable Transacti­ons and [...] my life, it will be also necessa­ry to acquaint you with the beginning and first mo­ [...] Neither shall I omit to trace the Progress of [...] Rebellion, since therein, I shall relate sum­ [...] [...] and what others underwent, [...] of the Irish, and their abomi­ [...] committed, as well without number, [Page 13] as without mercy, upon the English Inhabi­tants of both Sexes, and all Ages.

It was carried with such secresie, that none un­derstood the Conspiracy, till the very evening that immediately preceded the night of its general execution. I must confess there was some such thing more than suspected by one Sir William Cole, who presently sent away Letters to the Lord Chief Justices, but miscarried by the way. Omen O Co­nally (though meer Irish, was notwithstanding a Protestant) was the first discoverer of this general Insurrection, giving in the Names of some of the chief Conspirators. Hereupon the Lords conve­ned and sate in Council, whose care and prudence at that time was such, that some of the Ring­leaders were instantly seized, and upon examina­tion, confest that on that very day of their surpri­zal, all the Ports and Places of strength in Ireland, would be taken; that there was a considerable number of Gentlemen and others, twenty out of each County, were come up expresly to surprize the Castle of Dublin. Adding further, that where was to be done in the Countrey (where Mercury the swist Messenger) could neither by the wit of man, or by Letter, be prevented. Hereupon a strict search was made for all strangers lately come to [...] and all Horses were seized on, whose owners could not give a good account of them. And notwith­standing, there was a Proclamation disperst through all Ireland, giving notice of a horrid Plot designed by Irish Papists, against English Protestants, in­tending thereby a discouragement to such of the Conspirators, as yet had not openly declared themselves. Yet did they assemble in great num­ber, principally in the North, in the Province of [Page 14] Ulster, taking many Towns, as the Newry, Drum­moore, &c. burning, spoiling, and committing hor­rible murthers every where. These things wrought such a general consternation and astonishment in the mindes of the English, that they thought them­selves no where secure, flying from one danger into another.

In a very short time, the meer Irish Northern Pa­pists by closly persuing on their first Plot, had got­ten into their possession most of the Towns, Forts, Castles, and Gentlemens Houses, within the Coun­ties of Tyron, Denegal, Fermanah, Armab, Canan, &c. The chief that appeared in the Execution of this Plot, within the Province of Ulster, were Sir Phelim O Neal, Tourlough his Brother, Roure Mac Cuire, Phillip O Rely, Sir Conne Mac Gennis, Mac Brian, and Mac Mahan, these combining with their Accomplices dividing their Forces, and according to a general Assignation, surprized the Forts of Dongannon, and Mon [...]joy, Carlemont, with other places of considerable strength. Now began a deep Tragedy: The English having either few other than Irish Landlords, Tenants, Servants, Neighbors, or familiar Friends, as soon as this fire brake out, and the whole Country in a general Conflagration, made their recourse presently to some of these, ly­ing upon them for protection and preservation, and with g eat confidence trusted their lives and all their concerns in their powers. But many of these in short time after, either betrayed them to others, or destroyed them with their own hands. The Po­pish Priests had so charged and laid such bloody impressions on them, as it was held according to their Doctrine they had received, a deadly sin to give an English Protestant any relief.

[Page 15] All bonds of Faith and Friendship now fractur'd, Irish Landlords now prey'd on their English Te­nants; Irish Tenants and Servants, made a Sacri­fice of their English Landlords and Masters, one Neighbor murthering another; nay, 'twas looked on as an act meritorious in him that could either subvert or [...] an English man; The very Children [...] the cruelty of their Parents, of which I shall [...] a mark with [...]e to my Grave, given me [...] by one of my Irish Play­fellows. [...] high time to flie, although we knew not [...]; every place we arriv'd at we thought least [...], wherefore our motion was continual; and that which heightned our misery, was our frequent stripping thrice a day and in such a dismal stormy [...] season, as the memory of man had never observ'd to [...] so long to­gether. The terror of the Irish and Scorch incom­parably prevailed beyond the rage of the Sea, so that we were resolved to use all possible means to get on Shipboard. At B [...]fast we accomplisht our desires, com [...]ing our selves to the more merciful Waves. This Relation being so short, cannot but be very imperfect, yet if I dare credit my mother, it is not stain'd with falshood. Many horrid things (I consess) I purposely omitted, as desiring to wave any thing of aggravation, or which might occasion the least Animofity between two, though of several Languages, yet I hope both [...]ited in the demon­stration of their consrant Loyalry to their Soveraign Charles the Second.


After his arrival in Devonshire, he briefly recounts what Waggeries he committed, be­ing but a Childe.

BEing about 5. years of age, Report rendred me a very beautiful Childe, neither did it (as most commonly) prove a Lyar. Being enricht with all the good properties of a good face, had not pride in that my render age, depriv'd me of those graces and choise ornaments which compleat both form and feature. Thus it happen'd, My Father kept com­monly many Turkeys; one amongst the rest could not endure the fight of a Red Coat, which I usually wore: But that which most of all exasperated my budding passion, was, his assaulting my bread and butter, and in stead thereof, sometimes my hands; which caused my bloomy Revenge to use this Stratagem: I enticed him with a piece of Custard (which I temptingly shewed him, not without some suspition of danger which fear suggested, might attend my treachery, and so led him to the Or­chard-gate, which was made to shut with a pulley; he reaching in his head after me, I immediately clapt fast the Gate, and so surprized my mortal Foe: Then did I use that llttle strength I had, to beat his brains out with my Cat-stick; which being done, deplum'd his tayl, sticking those feathers in my Bonnet, as the insulting Trophies of my first and latest Conquest. Such then was my pride, as I [Page 17] nothing but gazed up at them; which so tried the weakness of my eyes, and so strain'd the Optick Nerves, that they ran a tilt at one another, as if they contended to share with me in my victory. This accident was no small trouble to my Mother, that so doated on me, that I have often heard her say, She forgot to eat (when I sat at Table) for admiring the sweetness of my Complexion. After she had much grieved her self to little purpose, she consulted with patience, and applied her self to skilful Occulists, to repair the loss this face-blemishing had done so sweet a countenance, though for the present it eclipsed my Mothers glory and pride, yet Time and Art reduced my eyes to their proper station; so that within six Years their oblique aspects were hardly discernable. When I was about ten Years old, I have heard some say, that this cast of my eyes was so far from being a detriment, that it be­came my ornament. Experience confirm'd me in this belief; for they prov'd as powerful, as the per­swasive arguments of my deluding tongue; both which conjoyn'd, were sufficient (I speak it not vain gloriously) to prevail even over the Goddess of Chastity, especially when they were backt on with ardent desires, and an undaunted resolution But to my purpose: Being driven out of Ireland, there being at that time no place of safety in that King­dom, my Mother taking me with her, (being com­pelled to leave my Father behind, barbarously mur­dered by the Rebels for being a Protestant Preacher) she adventured to Sea, not caring whither she went. Foulness of weather drove us upon the Coast of France, where we were forced to land, to repair what damage the Ship had sustained in stress of weather. [Page 18] From hence we set sail, and landed in the West of England, at a place called Barnstable in the County of Devon. Here we were joyfully received, and well entertained by some of my Mothers kindred at first; but lying upon them, they at length grew weary; so that we were forced to go from thence to Plimouth, so called from the River Plime, unto which the Town adjoyneth; at that time it was strongly fortified by new rais'd Works, a Line being cast about it, besides places of strength antiently built; as the Castle, the Fort of an hundred pieces of Ordnance, that com­mands Cat-water, and overlooks the Sound, Mount Batten, and the Islands in the Sound, well furnished with Men and great Guns impregnable; had they been never built or demolished, raced assoon as rai­sed on their Basis, it had been much better then to have prov'd the Fomenters of Rebellion in the late Wars for a whole year, daily thundring Treason against their lawful Soveraign. We being here al­together unacquainted both with the people and their profestion, my Mother having an active brain, casts about with her self how she should provide for her charge, but sound no way more expedient, than the pretention of Religion. Zeal now and Piety were the onely things sheseem'd to prosecute, taking the literal sense of the Text; Without doubt Godliness is great gain: But she err'd much in the profession and seasonable practice thereof; Hers being accor­ding to the mind of the true Church, the Church of England, whereas the Plymotheans were at that time Heterodox thereunto, and led away as the rest of their Brethren called Roundheads, by the spirit of delusion. Finding how much she was mistaken, the chang'd quickly her No [...]e and Coat; a rigid [Page 19] Presbyterian at first, but that proving not so profita­ble, instantly transform'd her self into a strickt Inde­pendant. This took well, which made her stick close to the Brethren, which rais'd their spirits to make frequent contribution in private to supply her wants. Here we had borrowed so much of the Sisterhood▪ who vildly suspected my Mother to be too dearly beloved by the Brotherhood, that it was high time to rub off to another place, left staying longer, the holy Mask of Dissimulation should fall off; and she being detected, be shamefully excluded their Con­gregation, and so delivered up to be buffeted by Sa­tan. Before I leave the Town, give me leave to take a short view thereof. Eorn [...]erly it was a poor small fishing Village, but now so large and throng'd with Inhabitants (many where of very wealthy Merchants) that as it may be compared with, so may it put in its claim for the name of a City. Havens, as there are many so commodious, which without striking sail, admit into the bosome there of the tallest Ships that be, harbouring them very safely, and is ex­cellently well fortified against hostility. It is sci­tuate alike for profit and pleasure; in brief, it wants little that the heart of man would enjoy, from the various productions of the whole Universe. Now farewel Plymoth, no matter whither we went, for where-ever we came; we found still some or other that gave us entertainment for those good parts they found in my Mother, she being very well read both in Divinity and History, and having an [...]loquent tongue, she commonly appli'd her self to the Mi­nister of the Town; who wondring to see so much learning and perfection in a Woman, either took us into his own house for a while, or gathered some [Page 20] contributions to supply our present necessities; with which we travelled to the next Town: And in this manner we strouled or wandred up and down, being little better than mendicant Itinerants. Stay­ing so little time in a place, and my Mother being more careful to get a subsistance, than to season my tender years with the knowledge of Letters, I was ten years old before I could read. Travelling through many Towns unfit for our purpose, we at last took up our seat for a while at Birdport in Dor­se [...]shire, here being asham'd to go to School in this ignorance, I apply'd my self to my Mother, who taught me to apprehend the Alphabet in less hours than there are letters; so that in a short time, I could read distinctly, and immediately introduc'd into the Grammar-School; where I had not been long, be­fore I became a Book-worm, securing as many as lay in my way, if convenient privacie serv'd. And to the intent that my Thests might pass undiscovered, before I would vend what Books I had stoln, I usual­ly metamorphized them: If new, I would gash their skin; and if the leaves were read, I would make them look pale for the wounds they received: If much used, tear out all the remarks, and paint their old faces, and having so done, make sale of them. This course I followed a long time undiscovered, which cost many a Boy a Whipping at home by their Parents, as well as Master. I had various uses for my money I made thereof (you must think) but princi­pally to bribe some of the upper Form to make my Exercises; which were so well liked of by my Master, that I still came off with applause; and in short time so advanc'd, that I was next to the highest Form, when I understood not the lowest Author we read. [Page 21] I was forced to imploy my Wits in the management of my hands, to keep rouch with my Pensioners, left they failing me for want of encouragement, my Master should discover how much my Dunceship was abused. Frequent were my Truantings, which were always attended with some notorious Fact besides small Faults, as robbing of Orchards, pulling the first and seconds of forty or fifty Geese at a time, milking the Cows or Goats into my Hat, and so drink the milk: And then for Poultry, there was seldome a day escaped wherein I had not more or less, usually I took them thus: At night I haunted the Hen-roosts, taking them off so quietly from what they stood on, that their keckling noise seldome alarm'd the rest; if I could not conveniently carry them off, I made their Eggs compound for their Heads. If I met with any Geese at any time, them out came my short stick with a string fastened to a bullet, and tied to the end thereof, with this would I fetch in my Game by the neck; the weight of the bullet twirling the string so many times about the neck, that they could not di [...]ingage themselves from inevitable destru­ction. I used to fish for Ducks, baiting my Hook with a gut or some such trash; and laying it on a piece of Corke, that swiming it might be the sooner per­ceived, I could carch in a short time as many as I pleased: Nay, I have not onely thus deceived these [...]ame Fowl; but the same way with a longer time, I have caught Gulls and other Sea-Birds. What I had gotten by these cunning (and so much to be feared tricks) I carried to a house that encouraged me in my Roguery, participating of the cheer, and so fea­sting me for my pains. If I had stoln any thing, I had my recourse to them, who would give me two pence [Page 22] for what was worth a shilling, and render me good content. I knew my punishment for my rambling, and valued it not; therefore little hope of reforma­tion from thence. Nay, for very small faults I wisht to be whipt, knowing the Rod would then be laid on gently; which carried with it a tickling pleasure. As for my Thefts and Rogueries abroad, I was care­ful they should not be discovered. If any Boy had injur'd me whose strength exceeded mine, so that I durst not cope with him, I would exercise my re­venge upon him privately, concealing the resent­ment of the injury he did me; For to grin and not bire, doth but perswade an Adversary to knock out those teeth that may prove sometime or other inju­rious. One common trick I had, was to stick a Pin on the board whereon he was to sit: in this manner did I serve several; in which fact I was at last taken; The punishment my Master inflicted on me, was: To sit by his Desk alone, and compose a Copy of Ver­ses; there was great likelihood I should perform my task, when I knew not how many feet an Hexameter required; and yet I then read Virgil. However some thing I must attempt, and thinking Saphicks, and Iambicks too difficult, I ventur'd upon Heroicks, sup­posing them the easier composition. But Lord into what an excess of laughter did my Master fall into, when he perused my hobling strains; Surely said he, these Verses are running a race altogether, the first did not start fairly, or else is a very nimble Gentle­man, for he hath out-run all his fellows four feet? the second comes two soot short of him, yet too forward for a true pace; here is another lame in a foot, and [...] most scurvily; here is another whose quanti­ [...] is short, and hath gotten upon stilts to seem long, [Page 23] and one (in contradiction to him) which is long, because he will be short hath cut his own Legs off: With these and the like speeches did he please him­self in his own wit, (which I understood but little) and after he had tired himself and me too, with pro­digal talk: He then spake to me in a harder dialect, making me understand how ignorant I was, and how much precious time (irrecoverably) I had lost, which so much seiz'd on my spirits, that I was much griev'd and troubled, so that he made Vermilion tears run down my cheeks, &c. After he had bestowed so much correction as he thought might work in me peni­tence for my egregious truanting he degraded me, and made me begin anew. The shame whereof, and reproach I daily received from my School-fellows, I could not bear; wherefore I prevailed on my Mo­thers Indulgence, to let me regain what I had lost at home, which she consented to. But perceiving my Lecherous inclinations, by my night-practises with her Maid, resolved to send me to a Boarding School: For our Family being but small, I lay with the Maid: being so young, my Mother did not in the least suspect me; but my too forward Lechery would not let me lie quiet, putting her frequently to the squeak. In sine, I was sent away a great di­stance to a very severe and rigid Master. I no sooner commenced Scholar to this Tyrant Pedagogue, but I was kept close to my Book; and lest my Wit should be any ways dull'd, my stomack was always kept sharp; which quickned my invention, to sup­ply what was deficient. There is no complaint so in­sufferable as the grumbling of empty and dissatisfied Guts. My greatest care was to infinuate my self into the favour of the Servant-Maids, knowing they lov'd [Page 24] to play at Small Game rather than stick out. I per­formed my business so well, that my stomack was al­wayes satiated, when the rest of the Boarders were dissatisfied; often going to bed in a manner supper­less. Here I was depriv'd of my old pilfering way, because I had no convenience for the disposal of what was stole, it being but a very small Village. However to keep my hand in use, I daily practised on Fruit, sometimes with a Spar sharpned at one end, I prickt the Apples out of the Baskets: at other times I took with me a Comrade, and then thus would we do. I would go to a Fruiterer and bar­gain with him for a penny worth or more of Apples, receiving them into my Hat, pretending to draw my money out, I did clap my Hat between my Legs, my Partner perceiving that (as we had afore plotted it would be) behind, snatcht it through my Legs and ran away with it, I thereupon did use to roar out as if I had been undone, and pretending to run after him to regain my Hat, we got out of sight and then shared the booty. One time coming along the Market, I saw a small basket of Cherries, I demanded of the woman that sold them, what she would have for as many as I could take up in my hand; she look­ing upon it and seeing it was but a very small one, proportionable to my Stature, two pence said she; with that, I laid her down her price, and took up basket and all the Cherries therein contain'd, and in a sober pace carried them away. The woman amaz­ed that she should be thus surprized by such a Youn­ker, followed me; and making a great noise, gather­ed a conflux of people about us, and among the rest a Gentleman of quality, who was very earnest to know what the matter was: Holding my purchase fast [Page 25] in my hands (for nothing could perswade me to let go that booty I had so fairly obtained) I desired the Gentleman that he would be judge of my cause, whereupon I related to him in what manner I bar­gained with the woman, and that I had done nothing unjustly, but what was according to our contract. The Gentleman wondring at the pregnancy of wit in so tender an age, laught hear [...]ily, and condemn'd the Cherries for my proper use, but withal paid the woman for them. I was naturally so prone to please my senses, so that I cared not what course I took that I might obtain my desires. I appli'd my self more to my Wit and invention, than I should have done, had I had any thing allowed me from a Friend for a mo­derate expence. But my Mother thought otherwise. knowing by infallible symptoms, the extravagant­ness of my inclinations, and therefore debard me as much she could the very fight of money. A Ri­ver confined within some made Bank, deterring its natural course, will (when that is overthrown which impeded its progress) flow with the greater impetuosity: Youth may for a while be cir­cumscribed as to its desires; but if his inclination prompt him to the enjoyment of sensual delights, sooner or later he will raste their relish; and better early than late. Before the Noon of his days ap­proach, Experience may reform his Life and Con­versation; though from the Dawning Morning there­of, till the Meridian, his Actions have been nothing else but the Extract of all manner of Debauchery. But ('tis commonly observed): That Man which in the Declination of Age tracks the by-paths of Vice and Licentiousness, seldome defists till Deaths cuts off his passage; never leaving off doting on such false [Page 26] and immaginary pleasures, till the Grim Pale- [...]ac't Messenger takes him napping. Thus much by way of digression.

Our Master was very ancient, however resolv'd that his Age should not hinder his Teaching: for if he found himself indisposed, he would send for us all into his Bed Chamber, instructing us there: A man of so strange a temper, that he delighted to invert the course of Nature; lying in bed by day, and walk­ing in the night, the rain seldome deterring him. On a time above the rest, a Gentleman had sent his Son five pieces of Gold to give his Master for Diet, &c. Our Master receiving them, called for a small Ca­binet that stood in the room, which I (more officious than the rest) brought him. Having put in the Gold, he commanded me to carry it from whence I had it: which I did; well considering the weight thereof, being, though small, very heavy. The Devil presently became my Tutor, suggesting to my thoughts va­rious ways for the gaining this money. At last I re­solved to take the impression of the Key in wax; which with much difficulty I obtain'd, and carried it to a Smith four miles distant. The old Fellow (im­mediately upon my proposal) suspected me; (doubt­less he was acquainted with such kind of devices) and questioning me what I intended thereby, I was for­ced to betake my self to my Legs for safety, not knowing what answer to make him. The Smith seeing me run, thinking to benefit himself by appre­hending me pursued after, with a red hot iron in his hand which his haste had made him forget to lay aside; one standing by me (just as the Smith had almost overtaken me) seeing him come running with a hot iron in his hand, and fearing left his [Page 27] blind passion might prompt him to mischief me, struck up his heels, who in the fall gave himself a burnt mark in the hand, which no doubt he had long agoe dese [...]'d; my unknown friend would not suf­fer him to rise, till I was out of sight. My first stra­tagem not suiting with my purpose, I try'd a Pick­lock of mine own invention: but that would not effect my design neither; so that I concluded to take Cabinet and all, and in order thereunto watcht my opportunity when he should walk abroad according to his custom at night. It was not long ere I enjoyed my wishes. My masters custom was to walk abroad at nights, and sleep in the day time; inverting the course of Nature: soreknowing his intention, I got into the Chamber, and conceald my self under the Bed. So finding my way clear, I convey'd my self and purchase out of the House; and travelled all night. In the morning I found my self near a small Town, about sixteen miles distant from the place whence I came. Thinking my self now secure, I thought it very requisite here to repose my wearied Limbs, and solace my self with the sight of what I had gotten: but it was not long after that I was so lac'd for it, that comparatively to my punishment, Bridewel whipping is but a pastime. The first Bush I came at, I went in and called for Sack, having never tasted any, and hearing much talk thereof; at which the people of the House much admired, that so small an Urchin as I should call for such costly Liquor. They viewed me very intuitively, but more especially the Cabinet, which caused them to suspect me. The Ma­ster of the house was acquainted herewith, who as the Devil would have it was a Puritan, and a Conestable too too officious and severe. Without craving par­don for his bold intrusion, he desired me I would [Page 28] admit him into my Boy-ships society. I confess his gray hairs and sowre countenance made me at first sight, very much fear what the event of his visit would prove: However with a seeming undaunted­ness, I drank to him (but what a difference of taste there was in that and the first glass I drank Solus: at length he began to ask me divers questions, Whence I came? Whither I was going? What was contained within that Cascanet? and the like. Before I could give the resolution of what they demanded, the Hue and Cry overtook me: presently I was laid hold on. And my treasure taken from me: that which vext me as much as my Surprizal was, I had no further time to try what kind of taste the Sack had. Various were the talk of the people, every one spending his Verdict on me. This is a prime young Rogne indeed to begin thus soon, said one; could be have seen, when in his Mothers belly, surely be would have stoln something thence. Another said, Forward fruit was soon rotten; and since I began to steal whilest a child, I should be han­ged before I should write Man. Ready to die with fear, I was sent back to the place whence I came, and from thence to the place of Execution, had not the tender­ness of my age, and fewness of years, procured pity from my injur'd master. Confin'd I was within his house, lockt up close Prisonner in a Chamber, till that he could acquaint my Mother with what had past. In this time I was not debarr'd of my sustenance, though my Commons were Epitomiz'd, neither was I altogether deprived of society, for I was daily visited by my Master, attended with a Cat of Nine­tails (as he call'd it) being so many small cords, with which he fley'd my buttocks; and when he found me stubborn, or not penitent enough as he thought, after [Page 29] he had skin'd my podex, he would wash it with vi­negar, or water and salt. Within a week my Mother arriv'd, who hearing of my Rogueries, was so impa­tient, that she would needs take me to task her self; but when she had untrust me, and saw me in so woful a plight, my shirt being as stiff as Buckram with blood, and my tender Breech plow'd and harrowed, fell down as if she had been about to expire recovering, my Master endeavoured to pacifie her, by telling her, that great offences, required great punishments; and the way to bend and Oak, is to do it whilst its young; I had once when young (said he) a Spaniel which would find out the Hens nest, and breaking the Eggs suck them, so that we could never have any Chic­kens, at last discovering who was the malefactour; I bethougt my self of this punishment which should hinder him from ever doing [...]he like. I got an Egg roasted so hard till the shell was ready to burn, then did I first show the Egg to the Dog, and then clapt it hot into his mouth holding his jaws close, this so tor­mented him by burning, that ever after he could not indure the sight thereof; but if shown run away ciying as if he had been beaten. Thus for this noto­rious fact your Son must be so sharply chastized, that when he thinks of stealing, he shall remember those torments he once indured for it, and so frighten him from executing any such crime. Many more argu­ments he alleadg'd to that purpose, which had satis­fied her well in his severity, had not natural affection interposed. Whatto do with me, she knew not; where­fore she consulted with my Master, who told her, He durst not keep me longer, the Country people bringing in daily complaints against me. And to aggravate my Mother the more, he briefly summ'd up my faults [Page 30] in this manner; having had justly various accusers, who drew up my indictment, Thus.

Imprimis, That one of his Maids having crost me (to be reveng'd of her, knowing she was a drowsie wench, when asleep, not easily wak't) as she slept by the fire, I took my opportunity, and melted some glew, and gently toucht the closure of both her eye­lids with a pencil which well I knew would lock up her sight. Against the time I intended to wake her, I placed all about her Chairs and Stools. The Plot being ripe, I pretended her Mistriss called. The wench starting up and running rubbing of her eyes turn'd ropsie turvy over the chairs, getting up she engag'd her self with the stools, and so entang­led her self therein, that endeavouring to free her self, her coats acted the part of Traytors, in disco­vering the hidden secrets and Arcanas belonging to her sex: and that with much satisfaction I had seen the execution of my revenge. That this wench could not be perswaded by any means, but that as a judgment she was stricken blind for some sin she had committed privately, which then her Consci­ence did whisper in her ear, and undoubtedly had turn'd Lunatick had she not been speedily restored to her sight by taking off the glew, which was done with much difficulty. That he going about to cor­rect me for this unlucky and mischievous fact, was by me shown a very shitten trick, which put him into a stinking condition; for having made my self laxative, on purpose squirted into his face upon the first lash given. That being upon boys backs, ready to be whipt, I had often bit holes in their ears. That another time firreverencing in a paper, and running to the window with it, which lookt out into the yard [...]oy aged Mistress looking up to see who opened the [Page 31] Casement, I had lik'd to have thrown it into her mouth; however for a time deprived her of that little sight she had left. That another time I had watcht some lusty young Girles, that used in Summer-nights about twelve a clock, to wash themselves in a small brook near adjacent, and that I had concealed my self behind a Bush, and when they were stript, took away their cloathes, making them daunce home af­ter me stark naked, to the view of their sweet-hearts, whom I had planted in a place appointed for that purpose, having given them before notice of my de­sign. A great many more such tricks he recounted, which he knew, but not the tenth of what he knew not. As for example, on Christmass-day, we had a pot of Plumb-broth, I askt the maid to give me a taste, to see how I lik'd them, I that I should, she said, (this was the maid I had so serv'd before with glew) and with that, takes up a ladle full, and bid me sup, she holding the ladle in her own hand, I imprudently opening my mouth somwhat larger then I should, she poured down the scalding Pottage through my throat: at present I could not tell the Jade (that laught till she held her sides) how I lik'd them; but I verity believ'd I had swallowed the Gunpowder-Plot, expecting every moment to be blown up. I took as little notice of this passage, as possibly I could, re­solving to, retalliate her kindness when she least thought ont. I observ'd the maid to carry this plumb pottage-por into the yard, and taking notice that the weight of the Jack was in the same yard wound up a great height under a smal Pent-house, the Jack being down I suddenly removed the weight, and fastened the Pot to the line; so going into the Kit­ching, wound it up to the top, and then stopt it, [Page 32] for the meat was taken up. The house was all in an uproar instantly about the Por, every one admiring what should become ofit: The maid averred, that she saw it even now, and none could remove it but the Devil. Others asserted (which were infected with Puritanism) that it was a Judgment shown for the superstitious observation of that Festival day; but the next day, roasting Meat, this seeming Miracle vanished by the descending of the Pot fastened to the Jack-line. Another time my Master had reserved in his Garden some choice Aprecocks, not above an half-score; which he purposed for some friends that intended to visit him shortly: The daily sight of this delicate fruit, being forbidden, tempted me more strongly to attempt their Rape; but I made choice of an impropitious hour to accomplish my design in; for my Master looked out ofhis window and saw me gather them, though he knew not abso­lutely whether it, was I or no. Whereupon; he in­stantly summond us together; being met, I quickly understood his intention: therefore I conveyed the Aprecocks into the next boys Pocket; I had no soon­er done it, but we were commanded to be searched; I was very forward to be the first, though I was most suspected, but none was found about me, so that I was acquitted. But to see with what amazement the poor boy gazed, when they were discovered about him, how strangly he looked, distorting his face into several forms, produc'd laughter even from my in­cens'd Master, but real pitty from me; for he was se­verely whipped for that Crime I my self committed. I could recite many more such like childish Rogue­ries, did I not fear I should be tedious in their rela­tion, and burden the Reader with juvenile follies; [Page 33] therefore I shall return where I left off. Whilst my Mo­ther was in a serious consultation with her Reason, how she should dispose of me. I had not patience to wait the result, but gave her the slip, resolving to run the risk of Fortune, and try whither mine own endeavours would supply my necessiries.


How he ran from his Mother, and what courses he steered in one whole years Ramble.

IT was in July when I undertook this my Knight-errantry; the fairness of the Season much favoured my Enterprise: thinking I should always enjoy such weather, and never be pincht with ne­cessity, I went on very couragiously. The first dinner I made was on Blackberries and Nuts, esteemed by me very delicious fare at first, which delighted me so much the more, having not my liberty controul'd. When night approached it seemed very uncouth and strange, finding, instead of a Feather-bed, no other thing to lie on but a Haycock, and no other coverlid but the Canopy of Heaven. But considering with my self that I had no task to con over night, nor fear of over sleeping my self next morning, and so be fetcht to School by a Guard of my fellow Schollars with a Lanthorn and Candle, though the Sun ap­pear'd at that time in his full lustre; I laid my self down and slept profoundly, not without some af­frighting dreams: The last was of the Cat of Nine Tails, which my Master laid so home me thought [Page 34] that the smart thereof made me cry out, and so I awaked; as then the early Lark, the winged He­rald of the morning, had not with her pretty war­bling Notes, summon'd the bright watchmen of the Night to prepare for a retreat; neither had Aurora opened the Vermillion Oriental Gate, to make room for Sols radiant Beams, to dissipate that gloomy darkness that had muffled up our Hemis­phere in obscurity. In the morning I went on in my progress as the day before; then began a show­er of tears to fall from my eyes, considering how I had left my disconsolate, and almost heart-bro­ken Mother, lamenting my loss, and fearing what fatal courses I might take: it was no less trouble to me to think that I was travelling I knew not whi­ther, moneyless, having nothing but Hazel, and Brambles to address my self for the appeasing of Hungers approaching gripes. Now me thought I began to loath my aforenamed Manna, Blackber­ries, Nuts, Crabs, Bullies, &c. and longed to taste of the Flesh-pots again, but the Devil a bit could I get but what the hedges afforded me. All day I thus wandred about, nor daring to come near any Town, having had such bad success in the last when I first rambled, and now night came on, which put me in mind of procuring a lodging som­what warmer than the other. A Barn presently offered its self to my sight, which I accosted, and without delay or fear, entered into the inchanted Castle, where I found accommodations for the most faithful and valiant Knight that ere strode Sad­dle for Ladies sake. Here might I take my choice of variety of fresh [...]raw, but my weariness would not permit to complement my good fortune one joy &c I so tumbled over head and ears; I had not Iain there [Page 35] above an hour before I heard a noise, and peeping out of the straw, being in a great fear, I saw a many strange creatures come into the Barn, for the day was not yet shut in. My thoughts presently re­minded me that I had heard talk of Hobgoblings, Fairies and the like, and judged these no other; and that which confirmed me in this be [...]ief, was their Garb and talking to one another in a language I understood not (but since, I under­stand it to be Canting.) I lay still as long as my fear would permit me, but they surrounding me, I was not able to contain my self longer, but cryed out aloud, Great God, have mercy on me, and let not these Devils devour me; and with that, started out from among them: They amazed as much as I, ran for it too leaving their children behind them, every one esteeming him the happi­est man which was the foremost. I looking behind me, seeing them following me, imagined these De­vils ran upon all four, and having started their game were resolved to hunt a sinful Leveret to death: Concluding them long-winded Hell-hounds, I judgd praying a safer way than flying, and so fell instantly on my knees: the Gypsies quickly overtook me, and finding me in that posture, soon understood whence their fear proceeded. They then spoke to me in a Langage I understood, bidding me not be afraid; but I had heard the Devil was a Lyar from the beginning, therefore I would not believe them. They would have rais'd me from my devotion, tel­ling me it was enough, and that made me suspect them the more; thinking they designed to get me out of a praying posture, that they might have the more power of me. Nothing prevailing with me, they vowed and protested they would nor injure me [Page 36] in the least, and if I would go along with them, I should fare as delitiously as they did, this was a po­tent argument to perswasion, and so I agreed to go along with them back again. All their cry was now for Rum-booze (i. e.) Good Liquor. Their Captain not induring to hear so sad a complaint, and not en­deavour the supplying the want complained of, im­mediately commanded out four able Maunders, (Beggars) ordring them to stroule (wander) to the next Town, every one going apart. Some Coun­trey-men gave them drink fearing they might fire the houses in the night, out of revenge, others (out of the more ignorant sort, thought they could com­mand infernal spirits, and so harm them that way, or else bewitch their Cattel, and therefore would not deny them: in so much that in a short time these four return'd laden with bub and food. It was pre­sently placed in the middle of us, who sate circular­ly; then out came the Wooden dishes, every one provided but my self, but I was soon supply'd by a young Rum-Mort that sate next me intended for my sporting mate. A health went round to the Prin­ce of Maunders, another to the Great Duke of Clap­perdogeons, a third to the Marquess of Doxy Dells, and Rum-Morts, a fourth, to the Earle of Clymes; nei­ther did we forget, Haly Abbas, Albumazar, Arcan­dam, with the rest of the Waggoners, that strive who shall be principal in driving Charles his Waine. Most part of the night we spent in boozing, pecking rum­ly or wapping, that is drinking, eating or whoreing according to those terms they use among them­selves Jealousie was a thing they never would admit of in their Society, and to make appear how little they were tainted therewith, the males and females lay promiscuously together, it being free for any of [Page 37] the Fraternity to make choice of what Doxie he liked best, changing when he pleased. They plied me so oft with their Rum-booz (as they called it) and plea­sed me so well in giving me a young Girle to dally with, who (though in Rags, and with a skin arti­ficially discolloured tawny) yet I was not so igno­rant, as not to understand good flesh, and what pro­perties went to the compleating a votaress for Venus service. I was so tickled in my fancy with this pretty little wanton Companion, that for her sake, I was very well content to list my self one of that Ragged Regiment. And that which added to the inducing me to this resolution was my want of money, and what I suffered in those two foregoing hard days fare among the Nut Trees. I first acquainted my Doxie with my intent, who glad to hear thereof, gave it vent and broacht it to the rest who unanimously with joy imbraced me; and to congratulate my ina­gravation tipt to each other a Gage of Booz, and so went round. The fumes of drink had now ascended into their brain, wherefore they coutcht a Hogs-head, and went to sleep.


Wherein he Relates what manner of People they were into whose Society he entred himself, di­vision of their Tribe, Manners, Customes, and Language.

AS soon as I had resolv'd to travel the Country with them, they fitted me for their company by stripping me, and selling my proper garments, and cloathing me in rags, which they pinn'd about me, giving a stitch here and there, according as ne­cessity required. We used not when we entered our Libkin or Lodging to pull off our cloths; which had I been forc'd to do, I could never have put them on again, nor any, but such who were ac­customed to produce Order out of a Bable of rags. Being now ale mode de Tatterdemallion, to compleat me for their purpose, with green Wallnuts they so discoloured my face, that every one that saw me, would have sworn I was the true Son of an Egyptian. Before we march on, let me give you an account of our Leaders, and the rancks we were disposed in. Our chief Commander was called by the name of Ruffeler, the next to him Upright-man, the rest in order thus:

  • Hookers, (alias) Anglers.
  • Priggers of Prancers.
  • Pallyards.
  • Fraters.
  • Prigges.
  • Swadlars.
  • Curtals.
  • Irish-toyle.
  • [Page 39] Swigmen.
  • Jarkemen.
  • Patri-Coes.
  • Kitchin-Coes.
  • Abram men
  • Whip-Jacks.
  • Counterfeit-Cranks.
  • Dommerars.
  • Glymmerers.
  • Bawdy-Baskets.
  • Autem-Morts.
  • Doxies.
  • Dells.
  • Kitchin-Morts.

We Muster'd above threescore old and young, and because we were too great a company to March together, we were divided into three Squadrons. The first Squadron that led the Van, was ordered by our Commander, to stick up small boughs all the way they went, that we might know what course theysteer'd. For like wild Fowl we flie one after an­other, and though we are seattered like the quarters of a Traitor, yet like water when cut with a Sword, we easily came together again. As the Switzer hath his Wench and his Cock with him when he goes to Wars: or like a Scotch Army, where every Souldier almost hath the Geud Wife and the Bearns following him: So we had every one his Doxie or Wench, who carried at her back a Lullaby-cheat, and it may be another in her Arms. When they are weary of carrying them, they take their turns to put them in a pair of Panniers, like green Geese going to Mar­ket, or like Fish in Dossers comming from Rye. Where note, that each division hath a small Horse or two, or else Asses to ease them of their burdens. Some of us were clad Antickly with Bells and other toys, meerly to allure the country people unto us, which most commonly produced their desired effects. In some places they would flock unto us, in great quan­tities, and then was our time to make our Markets. We pretended an acquaintance with the Stars (as [Page 40] having an Alliance to the Egyptian Magi, the foun­ders of Astrologick Art) and that the Ministers of Fate were our Familiers, and so possessing these poor ignorant people with a belief, that we could tell their Fortunes by inspection into either hands or faces; whil'st we were seriously looking thereon, one of our diving Comrades pickt their pockets, or with a short sharp knife, and a horn on the thumb, nipt their bungs. By asking the silly Milk maids questions, we gathered from their own mouths the properest resolutions, then would they admire, and in their admiration tremble to hear the Truth pro­ceed from the mouth of such as were strangers to their actions, by which means, among some we gain'd a great respect, accompanied with fear. Did not Astrologers make use of such Stratagems, they could never acquire so much repute among the ju­dicious, as well as vulgar capacities. And because it falls in so par to my present purpose, I shall beg so much patience from the Reader, as to give him a brief account of some fallacies some Star-gasing Impostors use to work their own ends, and delude credulous People. One whereof I knew, who rais'd his credit (and since a considerable estate) upon the Basis of good intelligence. He kept a servant, who constantly attended below for the reception of such who came for satisfaction in the astrological Reso­lution of questions. This mans Office was to tell the Querent, That his Master was busie above, about some grand concern, but if the Person would be pleased in wait a little while, till that business was dispatch'd be questioned not but that his Master would render him a satisfactory account of what he demanded; adding father, (to infuse into him faith, to credit what he said) that though report had spoken largly, (and yet [Page 41] nothing but what this Artist hath merited) yet all came far short of his real desert, having done such stu­pendious things, that must needs (without injustice) be commemoriz'd to Eternity, and admired by future ages. In the mean time, this servant endeavoured to pump out of the Proponent what he came about, which having understood, he gave information to his Master, by so many times ringing a Bell. This Item being given, the Querent is called up, and be­fore ever he can frame his mouth to propound his question, this profound Artist prevents him, saying, I know what you come about Sir, (therefore save your, self the labour to tell me that which I know already) you have lost a Watch, a Horse; or you would know how you shall prosper in such a business, whither Marriage, or an Imployment; or any such like common question. This makes the Artist be wondered at; and then e­recting a Scheme, positively and surlily tells him what he must expect. And that he may give an­swers more exactly concerning stollen goods, he was in constant see with Thies-takers, who from time to time, made him a report of what persons were rob­bed, what the things were, and many times gave him a discription of the Fellon. By these practi­ses, men believed every word he delivered to be an Oracle; so that his Chamber was daily so thronged with the report of people, that in a short time his ambition pricked him on to purchases, with the money he had gained thus falliciously. One Story, very remarkable, I shall add, and then crave your pardon for this my disgression. One day a young Gentleman (but of a mean estate) came to him, who was more credulous then wise, and more inquisitive then prudent; and having nor that wealth which his prodigality required, desired instructions what course [Page 42] he was to steer to arrive at the Port of his wishes and hopes: viewing him narrowly, he perceived him to be a man of a sweet complexion, and a body well proportioned; and therefore judged him a fir subject for Female fancies to work upon. Sir, (said he) I shall give you my best advice, but I shall crave your patience for a little while; for a matter of this weigt, must not precipitately be undertaken; wherefore if you please to see me to morrow, what lies in me shall be at your service. Being just gone, it happened that a Stale Maid, who had more moneys than beauty, and less discretion than leachery, came to be resolv'd of him, When she should be married: (for it seems by the sequel she could tarry no longer:) viewing her well, (though she knew not him) he knew her to be wealthy, and nearly related to persons of quality. Madam, (said he) I shall endeavour your satisfaction; and so with­drew into his Closet. Having staid a while, bring­ing out his Figure, and with much gravity looking thereon, he thus unridled the mysterious mean­ing of the Celestial bodies. Madam, You never was much troubled with the importunate suits of amorous Vi­ [...]tants, (this he gathered from the deformity of her phosiognomy) they all knowing your indifferency to change your condition, but upon considerable grounds; by which means you have almost frustrated what the Stars have designed for you. I hope it is but almost, (said she) not altogether: for it troubled her very much to hear she should leave the world without tasting the sweets of a married life. No, (he replyed) for if to mor­row by four of the clock in the Afternoon, you go into More-fields, and take a turn or two in the Userers-Walk) you shall there meet with a person rich and hand­some, that at first sight shall fall extreamly in love with you: slight him not, neither deny him his conjugal pro­posal [Page 43] if you do, it will be too late to hope for an husband. You shall distinguish him from others by these signs: His Complexion is fair, his Eye sharp and piercing, his Hair flaxen, of a middle Stature. Her joy had like to have transported her beyond the bounds of modesty, which she could not conceal, but made it appear in a pecuniary expression of her gratitude for such wel­come tidings; and so promising him to follow his counsel, she took her leave. The next morning the young Gallant came, who had his lesson given him: but before he went, he made him give him a Bond of 200 l. to be paid upon the day of his marriage with that Gentlewoman; which he gladly consented to, and paid that very sum within ten days after, for according to the directions was given him, he met with that Gentlewoman describ'd to him, as he had been before to her, who at the first [...]ight of each other, were incapable of containing themselves, but mutually embrac'd (after three or four words past) as if he had been her (quon [...]am) Dearly Beloved, return'd from some long Voyage, and went not to their respective lodgings till thei [...] marriage was con­summated. But to return where I left off.

Thus we rambled up and down the Country; and where the people demean'd themselves not civil to us by voluntary contributions, their Geese, Hens, Pigs, or any such mandible thing we met with, made us satisfaction for their hide-bound injuries. Our revenge most commonly was very bloody, and so merciless, that what ever fell into our hands, never escap'd alive, and in our murders so cruel, that no­thing would satisfie us but the very hearts-blood of what we kill'd. The usual sacrifices of our implaca­ble revenge, were innocent Lambs, Sheep, Calves, [Page 44] &c. all which we handled more severely than Pri­soners are by Serjeants when they are not paid their unjust Demands; Fees, I should have said, but that by experience I have found, they walk not accor­ding to the Rules of ancient Constitutions, but are guided by the dictates of their insatiate wills, which is their Law, which poor Prisoners must indulge, (though they rack their slender credits, or pawn their cloaths) or else they must expect less kindness from them, then a condemned person about to be tyed up by the Hangman, who will stay till he is ready to be turn'd off. A Goose coming among us, we have a trick to make him so wise, as never to be Goose again: But let the wisest use what tricks they can, they ne'er shall make some Serjeants honest men. We seize the prey, and leave the Tragical part to our Morts or Women to act: the Stage on which they perform their parts, is either some large Heatb, or F [...]rz-bush-Gommon, far from any House. This being done, and night approaching, we repair to our Dormitories, or Houses of Rest, which are most usually Out-Barns of Farmers and Husbandmen, which we make choice of insome poor stragling Vil­lage, who dare not deny us, for fear ere the mor­ning they find their Tatcht houses too hot to hold them. These Barns serve us instead of Cook Rooms, Supping Parlours, and Bed-Chambers: having Supt, (most commonly in a plentiful manner) we cannot Couch at Ho [...]shead, that is to say, sleep, with­out good store of Rum-booze, that is, drink; and haying sufficiently warm'd our brains with hum­ming Liquor, which our Lower (Silver) shall pro­cure; if our deceitful Mounding (Begging) cannot, we then sing a Catch or two in our own Language, [Page 45] of which we had good store; which for their baw­dry I omit: however, give me leave to instance one Canting Song, and I shall wave the rest, being loath to tire you too much with one thing.

BIng out bien Morts, and toure, and toure,
Bing out bien Morts, and toure;
For all your Duds are bing'd a wast
The bien Cove hath the loure.
I met a Dell, I view'd her well,
She was benship to my watch;
So she and I did stall, and cloy,
Whatever we could catch.
This Doxie Dell can cut bien whids,
And wap fell for a win;
And prig and cloy so benshiply,
All the Deusea-vile within.
The boyle was up, we had good luck,
In frost for and in Snow:
When they did seek, then did we creep,
And plant in Ruff-mans low.
To Strawling Ken the Mort bings then,
To fetch loure for her cheats;
Dude & Ruffe-peck, Rombold by Harman-beck,
And won by Maunders feats.
Ye Maunders all, stow what you s [...]all,
To Rome Coves what so Quire,
And wapping Dell, that niggles well,
And takes loure for her hire.
And Jybe well jerkt, teckrome confect.
For back by glymmar to Ma [...]nd;
To mill each ken, let Cove bing then,
Through Ruff-mans, jague, or Laund,
Till Cramprings quire tip Cove his hire▪
And Quier Ken dothem carch,
[Page 46]A Canniken, mill quire Cuffen,
So Quier to ben Coves watch.
Bien Darkmans then, Bouse Mort and Ken,
The bien Coves bings awast,
On Chates to trine by Rome-Coves dine,
For bis long lib at last.
Bing'd out bien Moris and toure, and toure,
Bing out of the Rome vile bine,
And toure the Cove that cloyd your duds,
Upon the Chates to trine.

Having even wearied our selves with drinking and singing, we tumbl'd promiscuously together, Male and Female in Straw, not confining our selves to one constant Consort, we made use of the first that came to hand; by which means Incests and Adul­teries become our pastimes. By this means I grew weary of their practices, and therefore resolved to desert them as soon as the first opportunity should offer it self, which was in a short time; wherefore at the present I shall say no more of them, only give me leave to give some small account of their Lan­guage. The first Inventor of Canting, as I am in­form'd, was Hang'd about fourscore years since: such Gibberish was never heard of before; since which time, there hath not been wanting such, who have taken pains in the pollishing, refining, and augmen­ting that Language of the Devils Imps. It is a confu­sed invention of words; for its Dialect I cannot find to be grounded on any certain Rules; and no won­der, since the Founders and Practicers thereof, are the chief Fathers and Nourishers of Disorder. Yet even out of that Irregularity a man may observe some kind of form, and some words do retain som­thing of Scholarship, as Togeman a Gown, from Toga; [Page 47] Pannam, from Panis, Bread; Cosan, Caseus, Cheese. The monosyllable Cheat; we use as a Relative, as Nab, a Head; Nab-cheat, a Hat, &c. Cove or Cuffin is in general terms a Man; but by adding bieu, which signifies good, or well, or Quire, which is wicked or Knavish; you make the word Cove signifie an Honest man, or a Justice of Peace. Pardon the expression, for they call a Justice Quier-Cussin; that is to say, as before-mentioned, a wicked, knavish, or foolishman. To conclude, I shall here insert this little Canting Vocabulary Alphabetically.

AUtem MorsA Married Woman
Abram CoveA Tatter demallion
AutemA Church
BugharA Cur
Bousing KenAn Ale-house
BordeA Shilling
BoungA Purse
BienGood or well
BenshiplyVery well
BingTo go
Bing a wasteTo go away
BubeThe Pox
BufeA Dog
Bleating cheatA Sheep
Belly cheatAn Apron
BettyAn Instrument to break a door
Bite the Reter or RogerSteal the Portmantle or Cloak-bagg-
[Page 48] BudgeOne that steals Cloaks
Bulk and FileThe Pick pocket and his mate
Cokira Lyar
  • Cove
  • Cuffin
A Man
Cuffin-QuireA Justice of Peace
CrampringsBolt or Shackles
ChatsThe Gallows
  • Calle
  • Togeman
  • Joseph
A Cloak
CouchTo lye or sleep
Couch a HogsheadTo go to sleep
  • Commission
  • Mish
A Shirt
Cackling cheatA Chicken
CrashTo kill
Crashing cheatsTeeth
CloyTo steal
CutTo speak
Cut bien whidsTo speak well
Cut quire whidsTo speak evilly
CannakinThe Plague
Cly the JerkTo be whipt
Clapper dogeo [...]A Begger born
CulleA Sap-headed Fellow
[Page 49] Densea-vileThe Country
DommerarA Mad-man
DarkmansNight or evenin
  • Doxie
  • Dell
A Wench
  • Dock
  • Wap
DeuswinsTwo pence
DupTo enter
EarnestA part
As tip me my EarnestGive me my part or share
FilchA Staff
FermeA Hole
Fambles cheatsRings or Gloves
FibTo beat
FlagA Groat
FogusTobacco or Smoke
Fencing Cu [...]yOne that receives stollen goods
Gentry-MoreA Gallant Wench
GanA Lip
GageA Pot or Pipe
Grunting cheatA Sucking Pig
GigerA Door
GybeAny Writing or Pass
GlazyerOne that goes in at the windows
[Page 50] GiltA Pick-lock
HarmanbeckA Constable
HarmansThe Stocks
Heave a BoothTo rob an House
Half bordSix pence
Hearts easeA twenty shillings piece
JockyA Flayl, or mans Privities
JagueA Ditch
Ja [...]keA Seal
KenAn House
Knapper of KnappersA Sheep-stealer
Kinchin CoveA little man
KateA Pick-lock
LightmansMorning or Day
LibTo tumble
Libbenan house to lie in
Libedgea Bed
Lullabic- [...]a Childe
LurriesAll manner of Cloaths
MaunderTo Beg
Margery Prateran Hen
MillTo steal
Makean half-peny
Muff [...]ing cheata Napkin
MumpersGentile Beggars
MilkenOne that Breaks houses
MynnsThe Face
Naban Head
Nal- [...]an Hat
NapTo take
Or cheat
PalliardOne whose Father is a Beggar born
PriggTo Ride
PlantTo lay or hide
Pranceran Horse
Prating-cheata Tongue
Peakeany Lace
Pike on the LeenRun as fast as you can
Petera Portmantua
Prigger of Prancersan Horse-stealer
PadThe Highway-man
Plant your whidsHave a care what you say
Quarrona Body
Quacking cheata Duck
QuierWicked or Roguish
Quier-Kena Prison
Quier-Morta Pocky Jade
Quier-Covea Rogue
Romboylea Ward or watch
Rome-Morta Gallant Girl
RuffinThe Devil
Rogera Cloak-bagg
Ridge-cullya Goldsmith
Ruffteran over-grown Rogue
[Page 52] Ruffe pockBacon
Red-fhankea Mallard
Rom-padThe High-way
Rome-Cullea Rich Coxcomb
Swagga Shop
SnudgeOne that lies under the bed to rob the house
Shop-liftOne that steals out of shops
StampersThe shooes
ScoureTo wear
Skewa Dish
Slatea Sheet
StrommelStraw or Hair
Skeppera Barn
Stew your whidsBe wary
Stalling-Kena Brokers House, or an House to receive stol­len goods.
Smelling cheatA Garden
SolomonThe Mass
TourTo look out
Tout his munsLook in his face
Track up the DancersGo up the Stayres
The Cul SnylchesThe Man eyes you
Tip the Cole to Adam TylerGive what money you pocket-pickt to the next party, presently
Tip the MishGive the Shirt
Tib o'th' Butterya Goose
TipTo give
[Page 53] The Mort tipt me a winkThe Whore gave me a wink
Tick-RomeA License
Tres winsThree pence
WinA Penny
Wicher CullyA Silver-smith

Thus much for a taste: I think it not worth my pains to insert all those Canting words which are used; it is enough that I have here divulged what words are most in use. Having now deserted this Tawny Crew, I resolved to betake my self to a new Trade; which you shall understand in this follow­ing Discourse.


How he went a Begging. What Rules he observ'd therein. What Villanies he committed whilst he profest that myste­rious Art.

NEcessity is a thing better known by the effects, than its character; and of all things the most insufferable: to prevent which, it puts a man on to venture upon all manner of dishonest and dange­rous actions, suggesting strange imaginations, and desperate resolutions, solliciting things infamous, [Page 54] and attempting things impossible; the product of which is onely disorder, confusion, shame, and in the end ruine. But when Necessity shall conjoyn with an evil disposition, a deprav'd nature, what horrid and nefarious facts will it not instigate that man to perpetrate? And though he seeth monthly examples of persons condemned and executed for the like crimes he daily practiseth, will not forbear nor desist from such irregular and life-destroying courses, till they have brought him to the like mise­rable Catastrophe. Necessity had now deeply faln in love with me; and the young Virgin Shame­fac'dness (once my Mistress) had forsaken me; for as soon as I had pull'd but one thread out of her garment, all the rest unravell'd; and she not brook­ing her nakedness, changed her master, and so to­tally left me. Having now obtained more than a convenient boldness I travelled, and begg'd with very good success. But me thought my life was some­what uncomsortable without a Companion, (all Creatures coveting society, but more especially Man:) at length according to my desires I met with one, whose long practice in this Art, besides the Observations of his Predecessours, deriving his pe­degree in a direct line from Prince Prigg) indu'd him with so much skill as to furnish me with the know­ledge of any thing that belonged to the liberal Art of Begging. We streight betook our selves to the Boozing-Ken; and having bubb'd rumly, we con­cluded an everlasting friendship. Than did he re­count to me the most material things observable i [...] our Profession. First, he tun'd my voice to that pitch which might most of all raise compassion; next what form of prayer I was to use upon such an accasion, what upon such, varying according to the humour [Page 55] of those persons that I begged of, gathered from their habit or gesture; then he told me when we came to London, he would acquaint me what places were most fit for our purpose, & what times. That I ought not to be too importunate to some, always wishing well, and loudly praying for the health and safety of Estate and Limbs of such as deny'd me Alms; but more especially pronounce a God bless you Master, and let Heaven reward what you have here done on earth, if any thing is bestowed upon me. If any should pity my nakedness, and cloath me in garments without holes in them, I should wear them no longer than in the Doners fight, reserving my rags to re-invest my self, and sell the other, as unfit and scandalous to our Occupation. That we should never beg far front one another, and at nights faithfully share the gains. Moreover, he inform'd me the way to make all sorts of seeming sores and lameness. That with­in the tatter'd rags, there be places provided for private conveyance. Some of maturer age, if they have no children, rent them of such as have: but we had no occasion for this fallacy. That if I saw a door open, I should go in boldly; if I met any in the way, I should then in a very submissive manner implore their help in the relieving my want, never desiring any thing but what was of small value, one half-penny, farthing, or some broken crust, (if at a door) pretending the not eating of a bit in two days. If the passage was clear, whip away what was near­est to hand. That the time of rising in the mor­ning be very early, shewing my self in the street: for then will those that pass by, judge I have no o­ther lodging but what a stall affords, that way pro­curing relief from pitiful-minded persons, and so continue beging till the evening; when it beginneth [Page 56] to be duskish, if any then walks singly, accost him in a begging form; coming up so close, as that you may knock him down with a Truncheon, still carried a­bout for that purpose; which is done securely, and many times with a good booty.

Being full fraught with these, and many more precepts he delivered, we set forth on our progress. We had not gone far, before we were surprized by the Constable, as two sturdy Vagrants, and as hand­sail to my new Trade, we were both soundly whipt out of Town. To avoid this danger for the time to come, we mist all the towns of any considerable note in our way, and onely frequented Villages; nay at last we were forc'd not onely to avoid them but the High-ways too: for Travellers observing our garb, countenances, and weapons, which was a Bat­toon, suspecting us, would before they came near us, set spurs to their horses and ride as if the Devil drove them. Many petty rogueries we performed by the way, not worthy the commemoration, and therefore I shall pass them over; onely this I shall insert.

Traveling the Field-way, we stumbled on a Tinker and his Trull lying by an Hedge-side, I knew not what to thinke at first they lay so still, with rouch pulling and stirring then they awakened; I askt them what they lay there for? They an­swered me, That they were lately bitten by a Serpent near adjacent, a potent creature, mighty in strength, and of a vast proportion, who had lately stung severall as well as they. It seemd very strange to us, especially having heard not the least report hereof. To be short, I desir'd them to shew us the place of his residence, which they readily consented [...]o. Instead of this Venomous Animal, they only [Page 57] brought us to its representation in a sign, where a Cup of double-brew'd Beer was sold, notable hum­ing geer. The people lik'd the Tinker and his Fe­male Comerade well enough, but would not admit of us, till we she shew'd them money: For our Vest­ments look'd like the Gleanings of a Rag-merchants Yard. We drank stifly till we laid the woman asleep again: still the Tinker bore up stiffly, she had not slept long, but up she started, pull'd up her coats, and in our presence piss'd in the middle of the room and so sate her self down, yet awaked not: which action could not but produce much laughter from me and my Comrade. At last the Tinker fell asleep too, having added so much to his former burden that he was no longer able to stand under it. Now had my wits enough to work on: but finding my self very drowsie, for the strength of the drink had almost over-powred me, I was forc'd to advise with my friend what course I were best take to make me a little more sober: he was so well known in such matters, (being an old experienced Pitcher-man) that he quickly counselled me what to do, he himself being not in the least disturb'd. This was his advice which he did put in practice, he got a Pail full of wa­ter, and so taking me up by the heels, he clapt my head thereinto; holding me in that manner so long, that the Pail had like to have prov'd the Terry-beat that should wast me over the Stygian Lake; this so qualify'd the heat my head had contracted by my ex­cessive drinking of that strong stupifying liquor, that I found it had wrought its desired effects.

After this, we ransackt their pockets, but found little in the mans; but searching the woman in a pri­vate place between her Pocket and Placket, we there discovered something considerable. Having so done, [Page 58] we thought it high time to be gone, but first we re­solv'd to make some sport for their moneys, which was thus: I tied to each of their Girdles behid a Flaggon-pot, and to each a Label affixt, or a paper of Verses, and so immediately tript off. The Host seeing us go out of doors with more than ordinary speed, ran into the room where the Tinker and his Lady were: he suddenly awaked them, telling them we were gone. Hearing this, they hastily started up, and reeling ran to overtake us: the Master of the house seeing his Pots dangling at their breech, ran after the Tinker, crying, Stop'em, stop'cm, Stop the thievish Tinker, stop the Whore with my Pot. We were wiser than so to stay to hear how the Tinker and his Trull came off, or to hear the laughter that we un­doubtedly raised by this waggish contrivance, but directed our course for London directly, where we ar­rived soon enough, nay too soon for some. This Out-cry soon alarm'd the ears of his Neighbours, who with the Host seizing on them, and carrying them back, gave us an opportunity for our escape. The Lines that were about the Tinkers Pot, were these to my best remembrance.

Serpents but sting, or onely bite so deep
To numb the sence, so lay men fast asleep.
Wit acts far greater things. I'll say no more:
Y'ave payd for sleeping, Sir next clear the score.
Those that were fastned to the Womans Pot, were these:
'T was not the Serpent, but strong Beer that stung:
The vent being stopt, the Drink wrought through the Bung.

I had like to had forgot to give you an account of a [Page 59] merry passage that hapned upon the road we tra­velled on; beating the hoof we overtook a Cart, but in the name of Rabbi Abraham, what think you was in it? In troth even a Squadron of the Tatterde­mallion Regiment; Some pretendedly blind, others their leggs tied up in a string. A third sort having a dead Palsy over all one side. A fourth so lame as is he never had been strung with sinews. We fell into discourse, asking them whither they were bound thus carted? They answered us: every one for his own Country, we have been already jib'd (said one) that is jerkt at the Whipping-post, and now enjoy the benefit of a Pass. The Surly Rogue the Carter observing our familiar talk made a stand, speaking to us after this manner. Why how now Gentlemen, how dropt you out of the Carts Arse? what, you go on foot and your Brethren rid? It shall not be; ease your legs, come I'le lend you an hand. I was about to reply when a fellow came along who knew this Carter, and askt him what he would do, or whither he was going with them Criples. Introth said he, to tell you the truth, I am going to Killum (a Town it seems on the borders of Oxford-Shire.) Hearing this, I knew not what to think on't but con­sulted with the aspect of the carred crew. Their faces discovered nothing but sence of danger, so that now I perceiv'd their thoughts were soly im­ployed about their escape, which they did soon put in execution. For sorth with the strings were cut that tied up their legs, who silently slid out of the cart one after another for fear of discovery, the blind could see their way down too, the Paralitick could run as swift as a Stag; The fellow drove on still, not misling his Company presently, at last look­ing about he saw one running this way, another [Page 60] that way a third contrary to either, a fourth was hiding himself in a bush, thus they were all disperst: D'ee here, d'ee here, cry'd the Carter, restore the leggs and eyes you borrowed, and then run to the Devil if you can. I heard one of them distinctly answer him, I le see you hang'd first, you murdering Rogue e're I will come near you; dont you remem­ber that you said even now that you were going to Killum. Could you but imagine the various postures their causless fear put them in you would be a great Sharer with me in laughter, I could not retaine my self from; this story put me in, mind of the like mistake whose effects proved more fatall in the time of the intestine wars in Ireland: A Trooper met with a Sculogue or Country-fellow, and demanding of him whence he came, he answered from Killwanium: whither art a going? [...]o kill more sayd he: these are two Towns) with that the Soldier sware he should not kill more, and so pistol'd him.


Coming to London, he enters himself into the society of Beggars, distinguished by these Titles, Ben-feakers, Dommerars, Clapperdogeons, &c. With a short de­scription of their Manners and Customes; as also a relation of a piece of Theft he commited.

COming up to London, we strait way betook our selves to Newington-Butts; but by the way, my Friend could not forbear calling on his Friends in Kent-street, there they gave me a Nick-name; and my Comrade immediately fell to work, to put him­self into an equipage fit for the employment we had undertaken. He needed not to alter his habit; but his chief aime was to make counterfeit Sores o [...] Clymes, according to the term of Art that is gi­ven them. With the assistance of some of the Frater­nity, he had in an hours time, such a Leg, that I could hardly look upon it without even dropping down; and thus they made it: They took un [...]aked Lime and Sope, mingled with the rust of old Iron; these being well temper'd together, they did spred [Page 62] it thick on two pieces of leather, which they ap­ply'd to his Leg, binding it thereunto very hard, which in a short time did fret off the skin, the flesh appearing all raw; then did they take blood and rub'd it all over his Leg; which being fully dried, made the Leg appear all black, the Sore they did on­ly let peep out of the holes of five or six matterish clouts. He soon got us a Doxie too, with a couple of children, (the fitter for our purpose) the one to carry in her arms, and the other to lead. Providing him­self and me a good lusty Filch or Stick, with a hole at the end there of, to put in a hook if occasion should serve, to filch any thing off Hedges, &c. A way we went into Moor-fields: he would have made me a Clyme too, or an Artificial sore; but my stomack would no wayes accept of his kindness. Coming into the Fields, he planted me in a convenient place, the Doxie with her Lullaby-cheats in another, and him­self in a third, not far distant from one another, that one might catch the others Maunding at the rebound. I observ'd my Friend and Rogue diligently, what he did, for my own information. One would have sworn he had been absolute lame, for (about to lie down) he slid to the earth by his Staff; being on the ground, the first thing I took notice of; was the pitious distor­ting of his face into various forms, to stir up com­passion in such as passed by him; to which he added, a most doleful noise to this effect; For Gods sake, some tender bearted Christian, cast through your merciful eyes one pittiful look upon a sore, lame, and miserable wretch: Bestow one penny or half-penny upon him that is ready to perish, &c. I knew not how to tune my voice, for hearkning to him; which he observing (when all the people were passed by) he held up his stick at [Page 63] me, a strong argument of his great displeasure, which lest I might further incur, I was forced to tone it out to some purpose. Night approaching, we left off beg­ging, resolving to recreate our selves with what we had got: in the way home, I saw a very fine piece of Beeslying on a Butchers-stall, the woman that kept the shop, was telling a Gossips tale to her neighbour so intentively, as I thought I might seize on my prey, and she never the wiser; with that I boldly snatched it up; which an opposite neighbour perceiving, ran after me, and soon took me. I was brought back be­fore the woman, who was so wise (forsooth) that she would not receive stollen goods, though they were her own; and so inraged she was, that nothing would serve her turn, but I must go before a Justice; and to add to my punishment, she made me carry the stollen Beef openly. Coming before his Worship, my accusation was read, aggravated by many feign­ed circumstances. The pittisul and sad casts of my eyes, were all the Rhetorick I used in my own vin­dication; which the merciful Justice perceiving, they were so prevalent, as to gain some favour from him; whereupon he ask'd the woman what she valued her Beefat? Why, (said she) I would not have abated a penny of five shillings. Take heed what you say, good woman, (said he) for should you swear this, it is enough to hang him. O Lord, Sir, (said she) I would not hang him for a world; than said his Worship, You must prize it under thirteen pence half-penny; where­upon the Butchers Wife was content to value it at eight pence. The price being set, the Beef was convoyed into the Justices Kitchin, I sent to Pri­son, and the woman put to her Oath; having sworn, my Mittimus was made, and therewith [Page 64] sent to Prison. The woman now thought she should have her Beef surely, and without any danger in the reception, and therefore demanded it; but the Justice told her he would buy it of her, and so asked her what she would have for it: Sir, (said she) five shillings; I cannot afford it one farthing un­der. How, how! (said he) did you not swear but even now, it was worth but eight pence, and do you now talk of five shillings? A mear Cheat, Extortioner, &c. Make her Mittimus, (speaking to his Clerk) which so terrified the Woman, that she cried out most pitteously; good your Worship, do not send me to Prison, and do with me what you please. The Justice at this, lookt stedfastly upon her (who was not so old but that he could discern a handsome wo­man when he saw her) and indeed generally your Butchers hare jolly handsome Wives; otherwise they may be ashamed to serve seven years in hand­ling and choosing good flesh for others, and at last know not how to make choice of a fine young plump juicie bit for themselves. I say, the Justice looking upon her, smiled, yet seemed to reprove her sharply, and at last pretended he had somthing to tell her he would not have every one hear, car­ried her into a withdrawing Room, where they staid not long but out she came and declared open­ly that she would never desire more justice done her, than that good and just Justice (as she called him) had shown her. And as I understood after­wards, he did her so much right, that she sent him in an half dozen of Bottles of Canary, and supt with him on her own flesh; I in the mean time wished them both choaked in the eating thereof; for never did Roman Catholick endure greater and severer pennance for eating flesh on Good-friday; [Page 65] than I for coveting this; I have lov'd a Capon the better for it ever since. For I was no sooner got­ten out into the street, but I had a hundred people about me, crying which is the young Rogue? this, this is he, said the Butcher, pretending to lay his hand upon my shoulder, but gave me a terrible nip by the ear, which made me roar out so loud and so suddenly unexpected, that my Gentleman-Usher that was leading me by the arm to the White Lyon, starting, let go his hold. There was no dallying with so fair an opportunity, fear and love of sweet liberty so wing'd my feet, that running instantly hereupon, I was gotten presently a great way before them. The Harmanbeck, Huntsman or Constable seeing this, unable to run himself by reason of that great load of flesh he constantly carried about him, set a pack of young yelping Cours to track the scent, but they were soon all at a loss, and so I escapt their clutches.


Whilst a Beggar what cunning tricks he invented to steal undiscovered, and how at last served, being caught ipso facto.

THe next day I went into Lincolns-Inn-fields, where I saw a company of Rogues, Cheats, Pick-pockets, &c. playingat Pidgeon-holes (a game much practised there, and in More-fields, by such mischievious and lazie Rascals) growing very hun­gry, I singled out two or three of the fittest for my purpose in assisting or contriving Roguery; a lit­tle rising grass-plat was our councel-table, where we consulted what stratagems would best take and were least known. Come gentlemen (said I) for the Liberal Science or ancient Profession they stu­died was enough to gentelize them) what money have yee? sine Cerere & Baccho friget ingenium, we must have good liquor that shall warm our bloods, enliven and unthaw our congealed spirits, and make our inventions and fancies as nimble as lightning. Faith said one, I have but three pence; yet that you may see how well quallified I am for your com­pany, I'le have money for you presently. He was [Page 67] not gone much above an half hour, but merrily he came to us; sitting down he desired me to put my hand down his neck between his wascoat and shirt, which accordingly I did, but admired to groap out there rashers of Bacon, which I produced to the Company. Very importunate I was with him to know what it meant, and how they came there: Give me attention (said he) and I will unravel this riddle thus. Walking along the streets leisurely, strictly eying any thing on which I might seize se­curely and advantageously: at length I saw a good pittiful old woman (for so she seem'd to me by her countenance) selling Bacon, who I observ'd did put what money she took into a pocket made in her Apron. Upon this sight, Fancy me thought suggest­ed to me that her money was already as surely mine as if I had already confin'd it close Prisoner in-my leathern dungeon. And thus I wrought my design. Good woman said I, speaking in a whining tone,) how do you sell your Bacon a pound? Seven pence (said she,) whereupon I began a lamentable orati­on, telling her that I would willingly have half a pound but that I had but three pence: that my Ma­ster was a very cruel man, half starving his servants; come give me your money sirrah, she said, for once you shall have it so; weighing it, I desired her to cut it into slices and thrust it down my back; She asked my reason for it. I told her that my Master usually searcht me, and should he find any such thing in my pockets, he would half murther me. Alas poor boy (quoth the good old woman) lean down thy head towards me, surely I will do thee that small kindness: whilst she was larding my back, I got my hands underneath her Apron, and with this short knife nipt off the bottom of her pocket, and [Page 68] thus have I done my part to procure ye both food and money. As I lookt on this as base ingratitude, so I could not but tacitly within my self, both con­demn and abhorr such society, remembring the words of Juvenal.

Ingratos ante omnia pone sodales.

Of all persons we should shun most the ingrate­ful. Neither could I forbear (though I was joyful of the purchase) to read him a publick lecture on his ingratitude; what (said I) shall we find grati­tude in Beasts (as in the Lyon that was healed by Andronicus in the wood, which afterwards saved his life in the Theater) and yet shall we be unthankful! I have read a story of an Asp that was kept and nou­rished by an husbandman at his own table, feeding him there dayly; at last she brought forth two young ones, one whereof poisoned the Husband­mans son, the old one (as my Author tells me) in the fight of the Father killed the offender, & as if asha­med of his ingratitude, departed the house with the other and was not seen after. I would have pro­ceeded, but that they told me if I did, they would have no men of morrals in their company, and so away we went to Beggars-Hall, hard by where we call'd lustily. Fearing we should spend all the mo­ney, I des [...]ed the company that some small portion might be left in [...]ny hands as a stock to trade on, which they consented to.

Having feasted ourselves well, before we depart­ed the next days meeting was appointed, when and where. Against the time I had made a quantity of Serpents, Crackers, &c. and brought them with me. When first I show'd horn, they all fell out a laugh­ing [Page 69] to think I could improve our stock by such de­vices. Have but the patience to hear me (said I) and then condemn me if you see cause; Ever since I parted from you I have been racking my inven­tion to find out some way whereby I might render my self both deserving of, and acceptable to your company, and I think this my first discovery will do it; I would have you Jack, Tom and Will, take an equal quantity of crackers and serpents, and anon at night let us go into the Market, where each of you shall observe each of us; where ever we make a stand be sure you throw a Serpent, &c. at that very place; and then will we take the oportuni­ty of the peoples confusion and fright, and so march off with what we can lay hands on. This plot was ve­ry well liked of by all. The eyening approaching (it being near November) we went to put what I had contrived in execution. The first that was thrown was where I stood, which sell into the Basket on which a Market woman sate, the woman starting up to extinguish it, suddenly it bounced in her face, the sinoak whereof and powder, for a little time so blinded her, that she could not see me walk off with a shoulder of Mutton, my comrades had the like suc­cess with a Pig and a Goose. Having done enough as we thought for that time, we went to a place of our acquaintance where we had the Mutton, Pig, and Goose roasted, Giving the Landlord the Pig for dressing, bread, and drink. We were so successful for the first, that we made several tryals afterwards not ineffectual. But in fine, I found the Proverb verified, The pitcher goes not se often to the well, but that it comes home crackt at last. One time I went, and having or­dered them to do as they had done before, a Serpent came flying on the womans stall where I stood, and [Page 70] fell into her lap, which being brusht off, sell under­neath her coats, and there burst, in the mean while I had gotten a loyn of Veal and was trooping off with it; the woman missing it suspected me by my great haste, followed me and laying hands on me found her meat under my coat. O have I caught you Mr Thier. Mistake not good woman (said I) it is no such matter. For as I stood by your stall, the wild­fire which some unhappy Knaves threw, so scared me, that having your meat in my hand at that time cheapning it, I was so frighted that I ran away with your Veal to shun the danger, forgetting to lay it down, wherefore pray take it again. Taking her meat, here is a pure excuse indeed (said she) but this shall not serve your turn, and with that, gave me two or three such blows on my chops, that I ve­rily thought she had made me swallow half my teeth. Another that had heard our discourse, takes me to task after this. Come sirrah, you love the flesh well, but tis fit you should pay for it. And it is but just if you will have my flesh, I should have some of yours. Up straight he snatcht his Knife, and holding me by the ear I verily thought he would have markt me as he used to do his calves. My crying and praying so far prevailed, that he onely kickt me to his next Neighbour, and so from one to another, so that though it cannot be said I ran the Gantlet, yet be­tween the Pannyers on both sides I was kickt the Gantler from the Standard in Cheapside to the Con­duit at the lower end thereof: this unhappy adven­ture made me betake my self to my old course of begging, resolving as yet not to deal in that trade I had little experience in.


A Merchant seeing him begging, took a fancy to him, conducts him to his House, and entertains him as his Servant.

ONe day as I was begging, more servently than formerly, having gotten not one penny that day, so that I found a civil war between my Guts and Stomack, yet knew not how to salve up the difference; neither would they hearken to any thing but a Bill of Fare. In the midst of this com­bustion, a Tradesman of no mean quality, passing by, took a strong fancy to me, being extraordina­rily pleased with the form of my face and body. He asked me, Whence I came? what my Parents were? and what I intended? I answered him with well contriv'd forgeries, that seemed to give him good satisfaction: liking well both my speech and understanding, he bid me follow him, which ac­cordingly I did; having conducted me to his house, he presented me to his Wife, my intended Mistriss, telling her his resolutions of receiving me into his service; at which she blest her self, saying, Prithee, Sweet-heart, from what Dunghil didst thou pick up this Snakerag, this Squire of the body? This thing drest up in sippits? This Scare-crow, what shall I call him? (for I am sure I had but few cloaths on, but what were rather fit to dung ground, than to be sent to [Page 72] the Paper-mill.) Said my Master, Rest your self sa­tisfied, since it is my pleasure, this shall be so: neither can I give you any reason for my fancy. Whereupon he commanded me to be stript, and well washed, in the mean time cloaths were provided for me, a suit of one of his Apprentices. A great Vessel like Cornelius his Tub, was filled with water to bath me, but so cunningly set by the Maids, (though privately) that they might see me all over naked. It was my good fortune to observe my Mistress standing in a private place on purpose to see me dis­mantled; and after I was washed, she commend­ed the whiteness of my skin and well proportioned limbs; and by the consequent, approv'd all with­in her self, for I was then a stubbed Lad. Being new clothed, and raised to this unexpected fortune, how strangely did this vain blast puff up my empty pate! However, I was resolved to carry my self discreetly, lest I should overthrow the state I was then in, not yet well setled. Wherefore I beha­ved my self very respectfully towards my Master, and served him as punctually as I could, endea­vouring that my service should require his kind­ness in as great measure as my abilities could per­form.

My endeavour was not only to please my Master, but my Mistress too, even in the meanest services; so officious to her, that I was ready to perform the office of a Chamber-maid. The maid-servants I obliged also, by doing their duty, as making the fires, washing the Kitching, nimbly and willingly doing any thing they would have me; which so ingratiated my self among them, that I always had their good estimation among themselves, and good word to my Master and Mistress when occasion ser­ved. [Page 73] Very careful I was, not to report what I heard, lest I by that means I involv'd my self in the affairs of others, without advantage to my self. For by meddling in others matters, I should breed ani­mosity among them, and reap just hatred to my self when discovered to be the too too busie intelligen­cer. This I looked on as an undeniable maxime. That nothing more recommends a man, than a si­lent tongue, (unless necessity required the contrary) a fair complacential carriage; and a faithful heart. My master in a humour would sometimes find fault with me, but then it was my chiefest care not to re­ply, knowing, that what should be all eadged as my just vindication, would but aggravate his spirits being passionare, alwayes punctually performing what was commanded me. To try my fidelity, he would lay a six pence on the Counter, or in the Window, as if it had been left there forgotten. I was wiser than to be caught so, and therefore would in­stantly carry him the money. One time sending me out to buy something, instead of a shilling he gave me among other money a piece of Gold; I took no notice of it than, but being gone a little way, I came running back out of breath to restore him the piece; this and the like made my master stand amazed at my seeming honesty. A strange alteration you will say; but all this was onely to get a good esteem, whereby I might gain fast footing. What though I underwent a great deal of pains, and had my pa­tience tried to the heighth? Yet I gain'd much in the end, had God given me grace rightly to use it, and the baseness of my nature not perswaded me to abuse it. So much credit I had gotten with my ma­ster, by my civil behaviour, that he raised me gra­datim, step by step. Being ignorant of Arithmetick, [Page 74] he caused a master to come to his house to instruct me, which I soon apprehended, and by that means capacitated to keep his Accompts, which was the thing I aim'd at, intending thereby the prosecution of mine own ends, notwithstanding my pretended fidelity, and his real kindness to me undeserv'd: which puts me in mind of the conclusion of an Epi­taph I have read on a Tomb, which the master ere­cted for the perpetual commemoration of his ser­vants cordial respect and honesty.

View oft this Tomb-stone, since we seldome find,
A servants faithful, and his Master kind.

Now to the intent I might compleat my conquest of his heart, I pretended my selfan Independent, not omitting any opportunity of going to their Meet­ings; and upon all occasions would rail against Steeple-houses (as we called them) and tear the Bishops holland sleeves to pieces, calling them the impure rags of the Babylonish Whores Smock, &c. I would pray mornings and evenings so loud, so late, and so early, that my neighbours could hardly sleep for me, much less those of our own Family: Notwithstanding all this piety not a day past wherein I cheated not my master. Thus did I de­lude his eyes with pretended sanctity, yet concluded with the Poet,

Damihifallere, dajustum Sanctunque videri,
Noctem peccatis & fraudibus objice nubem.
Let me seem just; to cheat the better shrow'd,
Let my dec [...]its be hidden in a Cloud.

[Page 75] How much did I silly fool deceive my self, think­ing my self secure, because no mortal eye saw me. Be not thus cheated as I was, for assure your self there is no darkness so thick and obscure, which the All-over-seeing and Eternal piercing eye cannot penetrate—

Cermit Deus omnia vindex.

A passage remarkable in Erasmus I read to this purpose concerning a young Gentleman, whom a wanton Lady tempted, who used this Expression as his last and best Refuge. Art not thou ashamed to do that in the sight of thy Maker, and the Holy Angels, which thou art ashamed to do in the sight of men. We are afraid of disgrace with men, not caring for the Grace of God.


How he came acquainted with lewd and vicious Ap­prentices. What Trade they drove together. What places and times of meeting.

I was as officious at home, as reserv'd from all company, never stirring forth unless call'd by my Masters business, till my next Neighbors man intruded himself into my acquaintance. Who so farr insinuated himself into my affections, that I was in a manner wholy ruled by him. He and I met on a time abroad, and would not be deny'd but he must needs fasten a glass of Wine, conducting me to a Tavern where the Drawer (as he said) was his friend. After several Congratulations past, order was given for a pint of Canary: being gone to draw it, this young man began to tell me what an honest fellow this Ralph the Drawer was; which words he had no sooner utter'd, but I heard him cry at the Bar, A Pint of white Wine in the Rose, score; and immediately in he brings it, and in formality a glass but we made no use of it for he was fearful his Master would dis­cover the cheat, and therefore desired us to be speedy in the dispatch, and so we made but too draughts thereof. Away he goes again, and brings in another, [Page 77] not after the same manner, but crying it Right, bringing withal a Quart-Bottle in his Codpiece: Now, Gentleman, (said he) using your discretion, you may sit and talk freely, without either fear or suspition, using your glass, & when your pint is empty, fill him again you shall not want for liquor Lads. This somthing amazed me at first, till my Neighbour Thomas told me that this was frequent, and that he and two or three friends at any time could be drunk for six pence a piece. Come, come you are but a Novice, said he; but if you will be ruled by me, I'll shew you the way to soften the cord of bondage, to make the long time of a seven-years Apprenticeship seem short, by living as merry, nay, more jovially than our masters. They may be distracted with cares how to procure necessaries, pay Rent, and satisfie Creditors, whilst we have none of these pressures and disturbances on our spirits. What though we have an harsh word ar a smart blow, it may be a broken pate? We will make his Till spring a leak for it, or his Goods goto Pot, and break him at last too. It may be his Provision is neither dainty nor plentiful, nay, restrained from cur liberty too: 'tis onely by day then, we will be Masters of our own at night, not wanting any thing that may conduce to mirth, or the delectation of our insatiate senses.

I ask'd him how could this be done? He answer­ed, If I would swear to be secret and faithful, and be­come a Brother of the society, he would not onely tell me how all this (a sore recited) might be performed, but would likewise introduce me into the place where these jolly Blades used to congregate. I soon consented, rejoycing exceedingly at this blessed opportunity, (as I thought it) wherein I might sail in the Ocean of delight, bound for no other Port but that of Pleasure or Profit, never considering the inevitable Quicksands which such meet withal steering that [Page 78] course, having no other Compass to sail by than their own Fancy. Very eager I was to have him inform my judgment with what at present I under­stood not, but doubted not in a little time to be as forward as the foremost in any moral wickedness. First, he informed me, that I must insinuate my self into the Maids favour, so that, when occa­sion should require, she may let you have the Key of the Street-door, or else sit up for your return, making her sensible that she doth not so break her sleep for nothing. That I must never fail coming home to gratifie her kindness. If she be modest and continent, onely kiss her, and that my beha­viour should not be either rude or lascivious, that all my expressions should saviour of Platonique, or chast love, often repeating this to her; O that I was out of my time, if it were for nothing else but to repay thee thy love! So great an acknowledgment I have of thy ci­vilities, that I hope a time will come wherein I shall make full satisfaction for all, &c. If she be bucksome, or wantonly given, she will never be content with hopes, promises and protestations, vows and such like windy stuff; wherefore you must kiss, hug, and embrace her, telling how dearly you love her; and then fall to somewhat else: She may put you off at first with a Pish, a Fye, or Pray be civil; yet be so far from denying, that if you proceed not on vigou­rously, she will prompt you her self, to try what mettle you are made of; if dull, she will make you the subject of her private, nay and publick laughter and scorn. But be very cautious of procreation, which you may prevent several wayes. Now to tell you what manner of persons we are that are confe­derates; there are few among us but what are of se­veral Trades selected, as Linnen-Drapers, Mercers, [Page 79] Woollen-Drapers, Silk-men, Hosiers, Haberdashers, Grocers, Goldsmiths, Jewellers, Ribband-sellers, Exchange-men, to which add a Drawer and an Oyl­man, the one to furnish us with good Liquor, and the other to prepare our pallates for it. A great many Trades there are which signifie nothing in our Commonwealth as Pe [...]trers, Braziers, Plummers, &c. we are onely for such as will profit the body, please the Pallate, & fill the Pocket. Every one brings his several Commodities at the place of meeting, then do we exchange or barter one with another for what each respective person wants; either to supply his own occasion, or his Mistress: for it is to be suppo­sed such a thing must be had; when procured, must be maintained, though to the destruction of our Masters Estates, and ruine of our bodily health. Further he added, that our Masters might not detect us in the purloining his goods you must not (said he) take too much of one Sort of Commodity.

All this I liked wonderfully well, and promised to meet that day seven-night at the place appointed; and so we parted. Coming home, I immediately put these prescriptions into practice; first; taking notice of what Goods we had greatest quantity; and whatsoever Commodity my Master forgot he had, I always secured it as mine own: nay, sometimes I would try him; There was such a person enquiring for such a thing to day when you were abroad, but I could not finde it: it may be he would say, We had it not; suiting my design according to desire. Having ta­ken a thorow view of the Shop and Ware-house., I saw so many ways of advantage, if assisted by a cleanly conveyance, that I could snip as well as the most forward of them all.

[Page 80] The next thing I had to do, was to endear my self to the chief maid, who was one of those that lay covertly to see me wash my self in the Tub; and as she confest since, took an affection to me from that hour. It required no long time to court her into a compliance; her Complexion or Temperament, forcing her acceptance of any thing amorously in­clined; The colour of her hair inclined to Red, which colour (though I know not for what reason) I love above any: This may be partly the reason, because as that Complexion hath alwayes the con­comitant of a very white skin, so it hath two inse­perable Companions, Plumpness and Bucksomness: Her skin as the usual attendant of Red or Flaxenish hair, as I said) was as white as whiteness it self: Her Cheeks naturally painted with Vermilion; plump were her Cheeks and Lips with a mole thereon, and a dimple in her Chin, as the infalible marks of one that is willing to dedicate her self to the service of Venus.

Having a fit opportunity, after some amorous discourse, I desired her she should grant me leave that night to talk with her in private, having business of importance to impart to her: She condescended to my proposition. As soon as our Master and Mistress were gone to take their rest, her impatience to hear what I would say, made her soon send the rest to bed. The house being thus cleared, and all things silent as the Air, when Winds into their hollow grors repair, I acquainted her with the greatness of my affection, which I deliver­ed with all the Rhetorick I could invent, still rouch­ing that string which produced Loves harmonious concord: So fervent I was in my expressions, and so ardent and hot in my desires, that I soon melted [Page 81] the conjealed iceness of her Chastity: But first there were mutual Articles reciprocally drawn & agreed unto, viz.

That if she proved with childe, I should marry her.
That I should devote my self to her service, and nones else.

That we should both endeavour to make use of all op­portunities for the enjoyment of each other.

That to prevent discovery, we should often fall out before people, that without suspition in private we might agree the better; throwing often-times bones at my head when sitting at Dinner, because suspision should not de­prive her of the Grizzle. So great was our seeming [...]eud sometimes, that our master was called in to part us.

After this I gave her plenary instructions as to my affairs, which she faithfully and punctually pro­mised to observe. Then did I put my hand to the instrument, and sealed the Articles with two wit­nesses.

The night was come wherein I was too meet ac­cording to promise. I acquainted my Amoretta with my intention of going out at twelve a clock; and that my Master might not in the least suspect me, I went to bed, but arose again at the hour pro­mised. The first time I would not carry any Com­modities with me, resolving to see first what they did. Being come to the house, I was introduced by my Neighbour Thomas into a private back-room, among the associated Brethren. I was much amazed to see such variety of Wares lye upon a long Table, as Silks, Stuffs, Cloth, L [...]nnen and Woollen, Stockings, Ribbands, Muffs, Hoods, Starffs, and the like. Some of them came to me, and welcomed me as a Brother, drinking to me [Page 82] in a Beer-bowl of Sack and Sugar.

Most of the Company being met, they truckt with each other according to their convenience, furnishing themselves with what they either stood in need of themselves or their friends. Several things were offered me; I told them I had brought nothing to retalliate: They told me my Credit was good, which is the Soul of Commerce; telling me they should have occasion to make use of me in the like nature another time. I took with me onely such things as might be proper to bestow at home, on whom I had lately engaged my affections; which I presented her with, accompanied with many ex­pressions and protestations of a never-dying affe­ction. She accepted of my kindness with much gra­titude, but though she could not fully remunerate me without a re-admission into her private, and then particular favours, I could easily discern her incli­nations by griping of my hand, kissing as if she would devour me, the palpetation of her heart, and her inflamed eyes. I ran parallel with her in the same desires, so that with much facility we two clapt up a bargain. After which; I would have be­taken my self to my rest in my own bed, but that was displeasing to her, I perceived nothing would con­tent her, but that we should be bed-fellows. I soon assented to it, though to the hazard of both our cre­dits and fortunes. I desired her to go up first, tel­ling her I would follow instantly after. By that time I thought she was in bed; up march [...] I the stairs, which creackr as if they had conspired a discovery; Coming up to the highest stair, I raised my foot (being fearful of making any noise) thinking there had been another, it descended with such precipi­tation, [Page 83] that I made the house eccho. The Chamber wherein my Master and Mistress lay, (the maid lying in a Trundle-bed underneath them) was right against the Stair-head. My master had taken a dose more than ordinary of Sack, so that this noise awak­ed him not: my mistress at the first hearing thereof, imagined Thieves had broken into the house; she endeavoured to wake her Husband, by stirring him, but could not, therefore thought it the best way to lie still, expecting the event. In the mean time [...] lay per due, stirring not till I imagined my Mistress asleep again, The maid, concluding I durst not ad­venture further by reason of this unfortunate acci­dent, fell immediately into a profound sleep. Find­ing (after a considerable time) all things still and quiet, I entred the Chamber, dark as Hell, and in a low voice, groaping the contrary way, I cried, Where art? Here, here, said my Mistress, in a whispering tone: minding from whence the sound came as near I could, I directed my foot-steps to that place: The same words being repeated, con­veyed me exactly to that side of the bed whereon my Mistress lay. Taking her about the neck, I kist her a thousand times: not perceiving my mistake, I made all the haste I could (and all too little) to un­dress my self; which was done in an instant: Open­ing the Cloths to come to bed, Hold, said my Mistress, I have a Bed-fellow already; what I have suffered you to do, was onely as a tryal to understand and what you intend­ed. Get you gone to your own bed for this night, and I shall talk with you farther to morrow, I durst not reply, not daring to stay longer, but betook my self to my own Chamber, possest with fear and shame, I no­thing but tost and tumbled all that night, taking not the least rest.

[Page 84] In the morning early I was up, shewing my self more than ordinarily diligent. But Lord, what a con­fusion I was in, when I saw my Mistress come into the Shop? I made an hundred pretences to stoop behind the Counter, and rectifie disordered Wares: So busie I was with my back towards her that she could not have so much as a sight of me. At length she comes up close to me, and turning me about, said, Indeed, you take too much pains, you are too labo­rious; fair and softly; there is a great while to night yet: d [...]t a little, I must have a word with you. Hearing this, I presumed to look in her face, and was over­joyed; for from thence I received a most alluring smile, in stead of a killing frown. This re-armed me with confidence, compelling from me these ex­pressions:

Most respectful Mistress, I do with shame confess my self [...] a great errour: but if you will consider that the [...] thereof was irresistable; I hope you will in some measure mi [...]gate my crime. My very youthfulness speaks my Apology. You cannot be ignorant of the fervent heat of young blood, which sometimes [...]ls beyond its bound. Besides the temperature of my body, (being of a Sang [...]ine complexion) did add much fuel to that fire.

She admired to hear me speak in such a Dialect; but [...]aying aside her wonder, she bid me tell her the whole truth, and what Contract we had concluded. [...]quivocated in my relation, intending to excuse the mal [...] forwardness, and that I onely designed to [...]prize her [...]wares. This [...]ry of mine did [...] in the least prevent my Mistresses prying wit, [...] quick understanding; from searching out the [...], [...]ing every meander, finding it our at last, [Page 85] though involved in a labyrinth of obscurities. She told me plainly she knew all, though I endeavoured to conceal it, and desired me, in stead of commands, to withdraw my affectionate thoughts from her, since her resolution was to divorce our persons. Ad­ding moreover, that if I was so amorously inclined, as not content without a Female Object to exercise my passion on, I should elect such a one, whose merit grounded on Beauty, Birth, Wealth, and Power, should command my love, and finally eter­nize my terrestrial happiness; and so vanisht from me, leaving my cogitations to their operations.

Forty five years had not totally destroyed her beauty, but there was still remaining the ruines of a good face: Her Birth, though from a high extra­ction, had little influence over me, had not her Wealth (which she had at her own disposal) whis­pered in my ear more than a common felicity. Her last words left a deep impression on my imaginati­on, which were not so enigmatically delivered, but that I could easily interpret them advantagiously enough to my purpose. I resolved within my self to acquiesee, leaving this affair to time to bring it to perfection.


What divices he found out to Cheat his Ma­ster; and what ways he had to spend it lavishly, at unseasonable hours, on Wine, Wenches, &c.

THe time being come again, for the meeting my snipping Brethren, I went prepared with what I could conveniently carry with me. Seeing me come well fraught, my merchants presently clapr me aboard, resolving not to let my commodities lie long on my hands, our truck was soon agreed on to our mutual contents. Then like true Sons of Bacchus, we trouled the full boles about, wishing him that pledged not his fellow, in a dark rainy night on a ryred Jade bare ridged in a dirty lane, with a pocky Whore behind him, and his own bones rotten, nine Miles from an house, not knowing one step of his way, nor having one penny in his pocket. This, or the like dreadful execration, made us tumble off whole Boles like so many thimbles full. Half a dozen of these a piece, were a preludium to our Supper, which usually was composed of the choisest viands. Neither could we eat, without our female Consorts, [Page 87] whom Wine and Musick waired on. After Supper, we fell again to our old Bacchanalian sport, drinking, dancing, or privately treating our Mistresses at a venereal Banquet. When we had drank our selves to ebricty, and satiated our lustful appetires, we be­took our selves to our respective habitations, our Masters not dreaming of our night-Revellings. Our own expences were neither valuable nor compara­ble to what our Mad-Dames put us to, which were so great (though they made me rack my invention to supply their pretended necessities) that all my va­rious endeavours could not answer their expecta­tions. I had taken my Gentlewoman a chamber, for which I payed three shillings a week, and upon the bare promise of a Whore, that she should prove con­stant to me, I allowed her a weekly pension besides, I never came to receive a private favour, but I must return her for it, some special and particular cour­tesie; as a Scarfe, an Hood, a Ring, a Whisk, or rich Lace for her Smock. If I failed at any time of paying, I should be severely checked, nay, some­times threatned, at the least denyed my accustomed Familiarity; then she would pretend that she had refused many eminent Matches meerly for my sake, that now she saw her self meerly deluded, and therefore would endure it no longer; and would tell my Master all the proceedings. If I had perfor­med the main, and not presented her when I came with some other gratuity, as a work of Superer­rogation, she would deride my Courtship, telling me, I was an empty fellow, that I bestowed my favours on others, and that made me so sparing to her. And that she scorned to be a copartner in my heart. When she thought she had sufficiently nettled me, (fearing to streign my passion too high) then a little compry [Page 88] clapping me on the cheeks, calling me, Smock-face Rogue; come hither Sirrah, I know what you would have, I'le save your longing. Such sweetned words soon over-powered my soureness &: notwithstand­ing my intended hardness, I could not forbear melting in her arms. Nowsince opportunity offereth it self so appositly, give me leave to lay open this subtle Female, on whom a strong ascendency of Mercury and Venus, had bestowed so liberal a Ta­lent for Whoring, and Cheating, that few escaped her circumvention that came into her company. The Relation I shall give of this miracle of Female subtilty, will be much advantagious to all sorts of persons. By this those that are viciously inclined may be advised into a Reformation, before they have occasion for Repentance: And they who de­sying all Admonishment, and are resolved to be wicked in spite, may out of an apprehension of the ensuing danger and punishment, be deterred into caution, &c.

A Short survey of a cunning WHORE.

WHen first I made my self acquainted with her, I thought my happiness not inferiour to the Grand Seignors, for although he had in his Sera­glio the injoyment of an hundred or more of the most select beauties of the Universe, yet did I fan­cy all those external glories contracted into one, and possessed my matchless Mistriss. As she was fair, so well featured, sprightly and young, four dange­rous advantages, when they are accompanied with Wit, Dissimulation, Crast and Impudence, with a covetous desire of injoying of wlaat others possest. She could not be ignorant of her trade, since her mother was a prosest Bawd from the time she brought her into the world. Taking notice of her extraordinary handsomness even from the Cradle, she resolved to dedicate her to the service of Venus, not doubting but the bent of her nature would render her very capable of that employ. Being about thirteen years of age, her beauty was so much taken notice of, that her Lovers swarmed about her. The old Bawd her mother was so o­verjoyed to see so large and goodly a Troop of [Page 90] Cupids Lanciers, her daughters life-guard, and doubted not now but that she should obtain the ple­nary fruition of her hopes, and therefore entertain­ed them all, yet watching them so narrowly, that none should taste her fruit unless they bought the tree at a dear rate. She so well observed her daugh­ters natural polity, that she was well assured her in­sinuations would in a little time command both the hearts and purses of those who courted her. Her design proved as fortunate as she could wish, in as much as among the many that languished for her, there was one so wealthy, as that he never knew the want of a thousand pound, whose heart was in­flamed by her eyes.

She had now assumed the title of Madam, which one should think belonged to none but who are no­bly extracted, however, why should she baulk it, since it is an honour costs little or nothing, and as soon conferred as spoken. This Gentleman was so insnared by the withcrafts of a lovely face, that though he knew the profession and practice of the Mother, and the daughters want of honour, ho­nesty and wealth, yet he resolved upon a marriage within few days without the tediousness of Trea­ties. When there was a firm contract concluded between them before witnesses, the charitable Bawd his intended mother in law, came to him, & told him if his stomack was raw & could not stay so long till the meat was served up with the usual ceremonies, he should have a bit for a stay, and taste before hand: the proposition was not unwelcome to him, where­fore he instantly took earnest of the happiness he vainly believed would bear him company durante vita. Not long after they bad their nuptials celebrated, and that he might not disparage him­self [Page 91] in the worlds eye, as to his inconsiderable choice; he bought his wife at his proper charge, new cloaths, splendid enough you may guess, with the appendixes of gallantry, rings, jewels, &c. and so brought her home to his house in much state. She had not long lived with him, but she followed the dictates of a luxurious disposition, and a libertine, hating to have her liberty circumscribed or bounded especially by one so remote to her nature and unsui­table in years, wherefore under pretence of visiting this friend, & that couzen, she so blinded her old hus­band by this plausible excuse, as that shemade her fre­quent sallies abroad pimp for her desires. Her hus­band observing her often gaddings and profuse ex­pences, could do no less than suspect more than he was willing to understand, and therefore not onely abridged the liberty she took, but devested her of those ornaments he had bestowed upon her, which so animated her to revenge, that she resolved not to let slip the first opportunity. She soon got acquain­ted with one suitable to her purpose, a person as much ingaged in debauchery, as his credit was in the world, yet so pleasant he appeared in her eyes, as that a little courting made her wholly at his devo­tion. Hence we may observe the dangerous conse­quences of disproportion of age in matching. Sure­ly there can be no agreement between fire and wa­ter, between freezing winter and Scorching Sum­mer. Besides, when a woman comes once to have mean thoughts of her husband (upon any account what ever.) She is then in the way to affect any body else. She now not onely slighted, but hated him, which made her lanch out into all the excesses that exaspe­rared, & vicious woman-kind can imagine or con­trive, [Page 92] from whence she may either derive satisfacti­on or advantage, neither could she want assistance or councel, as long as the old experienced Bawd her mother lived.

This good old Dotard finding himself so abused, that the whole world must needs call his reason in question; if he suffered any longer his loose wise to Career thus in Luxury and Wantonness, resol­ved within himself to call her to a severe accompt, intending withal to reduce her by kindness, as well as sharpness, and so equally to temper his frowns with smiles, that she should not tell which of those two ingredients were most powerful in the effect­ing the cure of his lust-sick wanton.

Returning one evening from her revels abroad, the old Cuckold took her to task; sharply repro­ving her for her Gaddings, her Tavern meetings, with debauched and licentious persons; her lavish expence in paying the Reckonings where ever she came, but especially her supplying the necessities oflusty younger Brothers, which resupplyed hers. The old man had so spent his spirits and breath, in schooling his Lecherous Truant, that he was forced to conclude his wormwood Lecture in an excessive cough; the inseparable Companion of him and Age. My bucksome Madam searing he was strein­ing for more of that unpleasing stuff, which had so lately offended her ears, left him half strangled with a Tyfick.

In this Interval, a female Neighbour of his came in, a Gentlewoman of that worth, that Virtue and Gentility contended in her for priority: How is it I pray Sir (said she) I am much troubled to see you in this condition? You lie, you lie, you Whore (said he) his ears being so furd by Time, that he [Page 93] could not distinguish this Gentlewomans voice from his Wises; neither could he see, his violent cough­ing forced down such a torrent of moisture into his eyes; that his sight was totally drowned: Con­tinuing his railing; See me in this condition? I be­lieve you would be glad to see me out ofit, you Strumpet, Lump of Lechery, Cheat, she Devil, what shall I call thee? there is no name too bad: And then cought again so violently, that it was in vain to speak to him; but when this violent fit abated, she resolved to say something, though her amazment to hear what she neither deserved, nor expected, would hardly give her permission. At last she spake to him, and reasoned with him, why he should thus stain her honour which was hitherto spotless, un­defiled; that her actions had ever been so far from rendring her, what he unworthily represented, that they made her famous, and lookt on as a good exam­ple for her Neighbours to follow and immitate. I, I; infamous you mean (said he) and let me alone to make you such an example, that you shall have fol­lowers enough to see you Carted, you Bitch whore. Why, who am I said the Gentlewoman, that you thus abuse me? Am I, (said he) you are Touch­wood, Tinder, Salt-peter, Gunpowder, Wildfire, nay, worse then all this, my Wife.

By this the Gentlewoman verily concluded him to be mad, and fearing lest his srenzie might be converted into fury, was thinking to slip from him just as his cough left him, and his eyes again resto­red to him, with the insight of his mistake; which made him much condemn his fallacious age, that had put this trick on him.

Apologies (as many as this old mans sterile in­vention [Page 94] could frame) were not wanting to excuse this obsurdity and errour: Neither was his Wife without the height of mirth behind the Hangings, to hear how much her doting fool was mistaken; who had not patience any longer to discourse his Visitant, but obruptly left her in quest of his abu­sed Wife as he now supposed, imagining from this grand mistake, that what ever before he had either seen or heard of his wife, was nothing but the ge­nuine product of his own idle and jealous brain. After he had made a strict enquiry through the whole house for his wife, he at length found her out cloistered in a Garret, into which she had con­veyed her self, coming softly behind the Hangings, wherein she had hid her self; and the better to co­lour her intended Villany, hearing her Husband ascend the Stairs, she put her self into a praying posture.

The old man seeing her on her knees, had like to have broke his neck for haste, not minding so much the disturbance he should give her (pretend­ed) devotion, as the satisfaction he injoyed to see his mistake confirmed. Being out of breath, his discourse was abrupt and broken, neither did he know which was most expedient, either first to que­stion her, or crave her pardon: at length he threw himself at her feet (for indeed he could hardly stand upon his feeble Legs,) and hanging down his Head (I knew not whether he cried) a salt Rhume gushed through the port-holes of his Head, which looked like scalding Teares; so and so they might be, for by their burning heat, any might conclude the loss of the hair of his Eyelids, and that thereby the shri­veled skin of his Countenance was parcht. It was [Page 95] a long time ere he could speak, and no wonder, since this was the second time of his Infancy; but at length with much ado, with a look as pittiful as his Rhetorick, he asked forgiveness. She seemed strange­ly surprized, and not onely wondred at, but taxc him for the Irrationality of his Petition. The pre­tence of her ignorance in what had past, made him the more eager to discover his ridiculous folly. In short, he gave her to understand, that since he was mistaken in a thing so palpable, he might very well question whether all former reports, and his own evil opinion of her, might not be posited on the same basis of falshood. That for the time to come, he would never admit of jealousie within his breast, and to give a full confirmation to what he protested; he instantly delivered her his Keys, committing to her trust what he had of greatest value. This cun­ning Quean would not accept this kind proffer, but with much pressing, and then sealing his pardon with a kiss, an everlasting affection was seemingly agreed upon. For two or three months after she behaved her self so well, that had her Husband had Argus his hundred eyes, he could not perceive any thing that might blemish her Reputation, or trouble his head.

Her Cue being come to enter and act her part on the Stage of deceit, she appeared and managed her business to the purpose. For having given her Mo­ther a Catalogue of those rich things she had in her possession; she never left her daughter till they had conveyed all away which might be carried in the day time without any notice taken; and at an appointed night getting the Servants to bed, and delivering the Key of the street-door to the old Bawd her Mother, she played the part of a woman [Page 96] in general, by lulling her Husband in bed by dissimu­lation and flattery, into a fond opinion of her cor­diality to him, whilst her agent then were leaving him as naked of goods, as he was at that time of Ap­parel. In the morning she arose by times, before the old man was stirring, and went instantly to her mo­ther who had provided her lodgings. Then did she change her name to hinder detection, and that she might add to her security; she never went abroad but with her Vizard Mask, and in as many varieties of Suits as there are months in the year, which though but thirteen, yet did she make them ring as many changes as BOW BELLS.

Not long after she had played this exploit, it was my unhappiness to be acquainted with her, by co­ming accidentally to our Shop, where buying some wares, it was so ordered that I must bring them to her Chamber. According to the time appointed I waited on her, but found my self extreamly mista­ken in my Chapwoman. For instead of paying me for my commodity, she would have truckt with me Ware for Ware; which I would no ways assent to; finding me no fit person for her purpose, she dismist me by discharging the debt. This passage did so run in my mind, that I could not be at quiet till I had purposed a time to visit her, and indeed I was force­ably prickti on thereunto by those matchless fea­tures, I saw in her incomparable face. My Master riding out of Town I found a very fit opportunity to make my address to her, which I thought would be the more wellcome by bringing a present with me.

Her memorie was so good that she knew me a­gain, and shrewdly guessed at my Errant, and indeed I was not long in the discovery thereof: There were [Page 97] but two words to a bargain and so struck up the bu­siness: So much delight I took in her at that time, and she in me, that we interchangably promised each others constancy of affection.

Mine and my females extravagancies, made me in­vent as many ways to cheat, as we had ways to spend what was this way gotten. If I had heard any friend say, they must buy a Gown, I had my mercer rea­dy for that purpose; If a Suit and Cloak, my Dra­per, and the like: sometimes telling my friend, That I was acquainted with one, that would sell me a far cheaper pennyworth than any one else, other times, that such an one owed me some moneys, and that this way I could both pleasure my friend, and hedg in mine own debt. Though I drove a great trade this way, receiving still ready cash, yet this would not do alone. As an assistance I guilded the money-box every day, receiving my part first, before my Master should take his, which usually he did every night, putting it into his Till. I could not sleep for thinking how I might be in­timately acquainted with the inwards of this same Till. Several projects I made tryal of, but none suited my purpose so well, as a Barbers pair of Curling irons. I got a File from a Smith, and to work I went with my Curling irons, filing them to slip in easily, and to turn round. The first Essay I made thereof, had like to have put me into an Ex­tasie for joy. I laid them upon their edge, opened them wide, I pincht the money below; holding fast, I turned them on their side, and so drew up the money to the mouth of the Scotch: now be­cause there was many times so much, that it would not come throw, with a knife I would slide away piece after piece, till I had [...]itted the money to [Page 89] the narrowness of the passage. I seldom brought up at a time less than three shillings, a good draught, not ceasing till I had gotten twenty or thirty shil­lings at a time, or more, according to the quantity of the stock. Finding my Engine act according to my desires, I could not be content without congra­tulating my success. My Master was seldom at home, wherefore I askt my Mistress to go out for an hour, promising her not stay beyond my limited time: She consented, and I overjoyed, pickt up a Rambler or two, and away we went to honest Ralph. Being glad to see us, planted us in a convenient room fit for his purpose. There was never a Pint he scored at the Bar, but he had a Quart-Bottle in his Breech­es for it. They all wondred to see me so srollick, but I thought it wisdom to conceal the depth of my practice from them.

After we had drank very smartly, I came home, transgressing but a little beyond my time. My Mi­stress was very well pleased, telling me, I should have Icave another time, since I was so punctual. Those Bottles of Sack we drank, ran perpetually in my [...]inde; for it was the very flower of Wine. In the commemoration of my Friends courtefie, and the goodness of that Liquor, I gave my contemplative fancy leave to characterise a Bottle of Canary, thus.

THE CHARACTER OF A Bottle of Canary.

HE is Gentleman I assure you well extracted, which once lived like a Salamander in the midst of the flames, and had he not been burnt, he had never proved sound. He seems a Prodigy: For that which we live by, decays him, hating Air, as Ba [...]chus hates small Beer. He will lie still if you smother him, and is never so well, as when his breath is stopr. Bury him, and you make him quicker. As for his habit, it is ever plain, yet neat: Though Nobly born, he scorns not to wear a Green Coat, with a badge on it; and you cannot injure him worse than to pick a hole in his Coat. Though he wears for the most part one sort of Garb, yet he is never out of fashion, acceptable to the best of company, not regarding his outward dress, but valuing his inward worth: However, his Suit is made of ad­mirable Stuff, for his outside never grows barer, and his Linings are the fresher for wearing. So choice he is in his Cloathing, that he rather [...]huferb to have his brains knockt out, than to have a [...]ent in his Garment. He wears a [...] la mode Hat, as light (and almost as little) as a Shittle-cock, which he puts off to none; but like the Quaker when brought [Page 100] before a Magistrate, hath it taken off for him.

As for this Pedegree, I know not how to derive it; for he hath had in him the best and purest of the French blood, but will now acknowledge his Place onely from the Spaniard, whom he imitates, being stately and standing always upright; treads for the most part on Carpets, and never stirs abroad but when he is carried, yet full of activity. If he runs fast and long, the more winde he gets. If he chance to fall, which is seldome, for many looks to him, he whl be extreamly moved, yet (contrary to all men) the fuller his belly is, the less hurt he re­ceives; his credit is large, never paying for what he wears, running on the score perpetually; his conditions are a riddle; there is in him pure vertue, and notorious vice; the quintessence of love, and the venome of hatred. He is the beginning and the end of a thousand quarrels in a year, yet a very Coward; for he suffers any to take him by the ear, and never broke any ones pate, but when com­pany was by. He is very facetious in society, and will spend himself freely to the last drop, if a Ladies soft and warm hand will raise him He is a brisk Spark, and therefore Courtiers adore him; he is smooth in his expression, and therefore Ladies de­light in him; he is filled with nimble fancies, there­fore the Wits frequent him, exhausting his radical moisture, to distil it into Poetical Raptures; for conce [...]s never run faster from the Limbick of their brains, than when this Gentleman adds fuel to the Furnace. He whets wit, yet dulls it; creates new Fancies, and stupifies. Gives the Orator a fluent tongue, and makes him speechless. Gives a Poet seet till he cannot go. And as he helps Ministers to [Page 101] preach, so he likewise silenceth more than the Spanish inquisition. He hath a great many tricks in him: He will make a Faulkner flye high w ithin doors: Makes a Huntsman catch a Fox by the fire­side. What ever he holds, is made good; and un­less you mind him well, much good matter that falls from him, may be lost: for he is often fluent be­yond measure. All Tongues court him; and those that look narrowly unto him, shall find him no dry Fellow. The truth is, he is too profound for shallow brains to meddle with him: He will pour out quaint expressions and hard words so thick, that the best Scholars are glad at last to give him something to stop his mouth: Yet hold him up fairly, and you may get all he hath out of him. He is excessively beloved and relishes all Company, being pleasant, and full of admirable humours. He is inwardly ac­quainted with the Lord Mayor and Aldermen, and incorporateth with their Wives daily. His Kisses are so sweet, that they lick their lips after him; and though his breath be strong, yet it is not offensive. He is a true Good-Fellow, drinking till he hath no eyes to see with: Good Liquor is his Life and Soul, and he is never musty but for want of it. He will drink till he be filled up to the very throat, and gape whilst others put it in. He will bear as much Sack as any man in England of his bulk; yet he will be soon drunk in Company. But if you will give him leave to vomit, he will take his Li­quor and drink fresh, till all the Company be forced to leave him. Drinking is his hourly exercise, sel­dome lying out of a Tavern. He is the main Up­holder of Club-meetings, without fear of being broke. He picks mens pockets, yet is never made more reckoning of than by such persons. As for [Page 102] his Estate, I can onely say this, That all he hath he carries about him; yet generally he is reputed rich: What he hath, he holds upon courtesie; but what he gives others, is held in Capite. What he possesseth, is commonly upon Sale; yet more for plenty, than for want; and if you can purchase him, you purchase all.

I could never indure Idleness, I was ever in acti­on; either writing, or contriving or putting in exe­cution my contrivances; I thought it better male agere quam nibil agere, my brains or hands were continually working and very soldom but effectu­ally, My pen was generally so happy in discoveries, that my wit was much applauded by the most cen­sorious, much respected I was, and my company much importuned by the Tanker-barers of Helicon by which meanes I so swelled with pride that I thought my self little inferior to Apollo, I called Mercury Pimp, the nine Sisters Whores, whom I had frequently layn with and might when I pleased, the best title I could bestow on Pegasus was Hack­ny-Jade. In the height of this my opinionative­ness, my Cooler (our Masters mayd came to me where I was alone) and after many heart fecht sighs, told me she found her self with childe; which news had like to have deprived me of my understanding: but knowing that Vexation never remedies but rather adds to trouble, I was re­solved to bear it patiently and study some means to preserve her and my Credit. I framed a Letter as from her Father, desiring her to come down in­to the Country speedily, if she intended to see him alive; and according as we had laid the Plot, she shews it her Mistress, desiring her leave to shew [Page 103] her duty to her dying Father. Our Mistress most willingly consented thereunto, as knowing that there was more than ordinary love between us; the maid had staid as long as possibly she might with­out discovery, Lacing her self very streight, and keeping down her belly with three Busks: but now she made haste to rub off: I had provided a Mid­wife that should be her Bawd too: but this could not be done without extraordinary cost. After her Delivery, I found the keeping of her and the Child very expensive: then did I begin to consider what a vast charge, and how many various troubles this momentary lecherous pleasure draws upon a man: how furiously he is upon the onset, and how quickly satisfied, loathing that Object he a little before longed for. Well I bethought my self how to be rid both of Cow and Calf. I told her I would get together what moneys I could, and so marry her, upon this condition she would be willing to travel with me whither I went, which I knew was her onely desire: I informed her of my intention to go for Virginia; and the reasons that induced me there­unto.

First, her disgrace would not be known there: Next, my Master could have no power over me; insisting further on the pleasantness of that Conti­nent, and the plenty of every thing, &c.

She assented to all I propounded, relying her self solely on me to dispose of her as I pleased. To pal­liate my design, I went with her to Gravesend, pre­tending as if I was then going with her beyond Sea, for no other end but to clear my self from her there, knowing that after she had past examination, or search of the Block-House, she would meet with no more, Being aboard, I suddenly seemed to have [Page 104] forgot something ashore; having well laid my Plot upon the Basis of a good Sum of money, I had di­stributed among the Sea-men with a considerable present to the master, and telling my Landabris I would return to her instantly, I got into the Boat; and immediately after the Ship wayed Anchor, and quickly was under Sail. I confess notwithstanding the Devil had at that time the total possession of me; yet I was much troubled at what I had done so hard­heartedly and cruelly. A flood of tears had so over­whelmed my sight, that I could not discern the Ship in which she was: so sensible I was of the wick­edness of this Fact, that Dido like, I could have thrown my self into the Sea after her, had not a good Woman, whose Husband was in the same Ship, pre­vented me. Observing my tears, 'Tis probable, Young Man, (said she) you have lately taken your leave of some dearly beloved Friend; and I guess, by your earnest look­ing after yond Ship under sail, the person was in her. I told her it was truth. My Husband is in the same Vessel, (said she) and therefore I have as much cause to grieve as you. Come, be of good comfort, Man, Friends must part; and it is better to part here than at the Gallows. Go along with me, and we will wash down sorrow; and with a Glass of neat Canary, antidote our hearts against any thing that may distrub them.

With that I lookt intentively in her face, and found it correspondent with a jolly temper. An Eye black and piercing; and Eye brow black also, and each as big as a mans thumb comparatively: a signe that never fayls to denote that Woman capa­ble of giving a man the greatest delectation. She was every way compleatly handsome, and suitable to the desires of the most curious Critick in Love-affairs, [Page 105] I thought it a shame to deny so kind a prosfer, and a crime in Youth unpardonable not to imbrace that opportunity, that shall lead him by the hand into Venus her Bed-chamber. With that I addrest my self to her, (and afterwards undrest together) de­claring that the force of her Rhetorick, assisted by her external, beautiful, and altogether lovely form, had forced me to forget my one dearly be­loved she-friend, and become her Proselyte, her absolutely devoted convert, and would prostrate my will to be guided by hers and her command. With that we concluded to solace our selves at the next Tavern, I applyed my self to my old way of insinua­tion: which soon melted her, so that I saw I might when I pleased stamp loves impression on her return­ing to Gravesend we soon lodged our selves conve­niently for our intended purpose, having so done, I so ordered the matter that there was not any thing wanting that might please our sences. Yet fearing left her love should cool again, there was no Art forgotten that might serve to entertain it. Delays in love affairs are dangerous: Women love not to be too long Tantalized; there is a cer­tain critical time to know their inclination; which if you punctually observe, you shall assuredly reap the fruits of your desires; if not, you may perpe­tually wait, but never enioy the like opportunity. Wherefore the Iron glowing hot, I thought good to strike, to enliven my spirits, she sent for a noise of Musick, ordering them to play in the next Room. And in the end we began to think of some repose, agreeing before to lie in two Cham­bers contiguous to each other; which were ac­cordingly provided. As soon as I thought all the Houshold were in bed, I repaired to my mistress, [Page 106] who eagerly expected my coming; approaching the bed-side, she clasped me in her arms: As soon as day broke; I arose, bespeaking a fat Capon swaddled with Sassages, and a Quart of Buttered Sack. I got all ready by the time ofher rising, she was extraordinarily well pleased in my double dili­gence of serving her, having applauded my industrie and care of her, we fell to it, interlining every bit with a Glass of Canary. She told me she would never part whilst she had a penny left, having about her some Thirty Pieces of Gold. Well (said I) my Dear, since it is thy resolution, a match; but let me be Steward: Which she agreed unto, delivering into my hands what Gold she had. For two or three hours I shewed my self very officious in my place; but considering that when this money was spent, we should not know what to do, I thought it was better for one to want than two; besides, I had lately sur­feited on a Medler, and therefore my stomack nau­seated the very thoughts thereof. I had feed the Drawer to bring me word just as the Gravesend Barge was going off; which accordingly he did by a pri­vate sign concluded betwixt us. I then pretended an excuse to go down under the notion of providing something novel, which should be conducible to our mirth and jollity. I had just so much time below to write her these lines in stead of a solemn leave tak­ing, leaving them with the Drawer to present her, and so went aboard the Barge for London.

Madam I'm gone; no wonder, for you know,
Lovers encounters, are but touch and go.

Arriving at Billings-gate, I went straight to a Ta­vern, where I had an interest with the Drawer, re­solving [Page 107] there to consult seriously with my self what course to follow, being as yet unresolved what to do. After I had raised my dulled spirits with a glass or two, I concluded to hazard my Masters good opi­nion, nay, and my Mistresses affection too; which though at that present it only smoaked, I might ea­sily divine, that in process of time, it would burst forth into a flame. Being before consined to my Masters time, I began to consider what an excellent thing Liberty was, equally estimable with Health; which two, though they are the greatest and most precious gifts (next our Redemption) the Creator of the world hath bestowed on mankind; yet we poor mortals, value them not till we are sensible of their want, by being deprived of them. This is an infalli­ble maxime, That the deprivation of a thing shall be so much the more evil, as the possession thereof is good. Now if Liberty be such an excellent and delectable thing when enjoyed, how miserable are those that want it?

Having moneys in my Pocket, I concluded to ex­periment the enjoyment thereof, and to participate of such delights the nature of young men is most in­clinable to. Now man being a sociable Creature, I thought I should reap but little satisfaction to my self in the expence of my moneys, without an Asso­ciate: Wherefore I sent to an Apprentice of my in­timate acquaintance contemporary with me, and who had often prompted me to ramble with him. This Lad was his Masters Casheer, which I knew would much assist my design. I made him acquainted with my intention of trying the world: Though it had been formerly his own motion, yet he seemed at the first something startled; but all his doubts I resolved; adding moreover. That to have our wills inslaved to other mens, was a thing insuppor­table, [Page 108] since that we were as well as they, created free Denizens of this world. That since our great Grand-Father was Emperor of the whole world, we could not stile our selves less than Princes, and therefore debased our Birth by a voluntary submission to Ser­vice and Slavery. I had no great occasion to make use of many Arguments to this purpose; for his own inclination was sufficient to perswade him. The re­sult of our discourse was a firm resolution to become two Knights-errant. I advise him forthwith to go home and bring with him what Cash he had in his possession; which he readily performed, and in­deed more then I could expect, being 200 l. the Fates having so decreed to favour this our first bold exploit, as tryal of what we durst attempt.


How he frequented Bawdy-houses; what exploits he committed in them; the Character of a Bawd, a Whore, a Pimp, and a Irapan; their manner of living; with a Detection of their wicked lives and Conversations.

BEing full Fraught with money, we undertook our Progress, promising to our selves all de­light imaginable, but not considering what the ef­fect would be. We frequented all places of plea­sure, but among the chief, we ranked Brothel-houses, which were our Repositories. We seldom were seen in the Streets by day, fox fear of discovery; confining our selves close Prisoners to some Bub­bing-hou [...]e; at night (like such as closely delighted in deeds of darkness) we would sometimes flutter abroad. Our pastime was to hire Coaches to any pretended place, and when we came near it, to make our escape. One time leaping out of the Boot, my Cloak chanced to rangle in the spokes of the Wheel, the Coachman not perceiving we were got out, drove on; by the wheels continually turning, my Garment was so ingaged, that I verily believed my sins had now conserred upon me the just punish­ment of being executed on the wheel, which I could hardly have avoided, had I not speedily un­buttdned my Cloak: I was loath to bid the Coach­man [Page 110] stop, thinking I should have it at last; I ran I, acquy-like a long way, but all my endeavours to shift it, proved ineffectual; so that at length I was forced to cry out, Hold Coachman. The Coach­man coming out of his Box, soon perceived the fallacy, and straightways demanded his money for his hire, before he would untangle my Cloak, which I was compelled to give him. Delivering me my Cloak, he told me, I had paid him, but he had not paid me for my attendance on him: And said more­over, That my Cloak would not look like a Livery, un­less it were laced; and with that, with his whip, lashed me well favouredly. Another sort of Pastime we used, was to kick the old Watchmens Lanthorns about the street; and it may be sometimes confer a blow or two on their sleepy nodles, and then flie for it. We practised this foolery so often, till at length we were met with, and rightly served. It was thus: In Paternoster-row, we found a fellow at nodie upon a stall, with his Lanthorn and Candle by him, having first seized on that, and thrown it into the Kennel, we prosecuted our abuse by fal­ling upon him, and beating him. Having so done, we betook our selves to flight; but here we mis­took our mark, thinking him to be an old decriped Watchman, and one that had little [...]se of his eyes, without those in his Pocket; whereas to our cost, we found him as nimble and as light footed as a stag, who overtaking us, surprized us; and as he was carrying us before the Constable; we met with the grand Round, who, without much examina­tion, committed us as Rats to the Counter. The chiefest thing that troubled us, was the apprehen­sion of our Masters knowing where we were. But we resolved to drown'd that care; we had not been [Page 111] there long, before other Rats, Male and Female, were brought in to bear us company. Some of the men were all bloody, and their Mobs Scarfs and Hoods all rent, and none of them sober: Damming and Sinking were the constant flourishes of thier discourse; calling for drink was the Argument they held, and roaring in distracted notes was their Har­mony. Though I my self was comparatively wic­ked, yet I blessed my God I had not arrived to that height these superlative Villains had attained to. Being in their company, I thought my self in the Suburbs, or on the confines of Hell. Sin, if it be dressed up in specious pretences, may be entertained as a companion; but when it appears in its own shape, it cannot but strike horror into the Soul of any, though desparate, if not stupified. Wherefore me thought I was so far from associating my self with them, that I protest, the lendness of their actions were so represented to me with such desormity, that I knew not which I loathed most, them or the Prison. I cannot make appear to the world what they were, nor my resentments, unless I should stuff a page or two with all manner of horrid Oaths, Execrations, Blasphemies and such like soul-infecting and de­stroying Plague-sores; wherefore I shall onely take leave to anatomize the Place that deteined us from our freedom. Then look upon a Prison as in it self, and it may be fitly termed a temporal Hell. For as the other is a receptacle for damned Souls, the Gates thereof standing wide open; so that this re­fuseth the reception of none, though never so wicked a miscreant. Though my durance in this place was but short, yet I could not but take some observations, imploying from thence the faculties [Page 112] of my Soul, to draw up the definition of a Prison, Hell is a very proper denomination for it, since it is a place composed of nothing but disorder and confusion; Land of darkness, inhabited by calami­ty, horror, misery, and confusion; a bottomless Pit of fraud, violence and stench. A Prison is the Banishment of Courtesie, the Centre of Infamy and Disparagement, the Destruction of good Wits, the Treasure of Despair, the Fining-Pot of Friend­ship, a Den of Deceivers, a Forrest of Ravenous Beasts. Here you may see one Weeping, another singing; one Sleeping, another Swearing; every one variously imployed; one Eating in a corner, and another Pissing-just by him; another Lowsing himself between both; it may be heretofore a mili­tary man, and therefore loath to forget his Art, but rather exercising it in the killing of his bodily Ene­mies, bearing the blood on his nail, as the Trophies of his Victory.

It is to speak most properly a living Tomb or grave to bury men alive in, wherein a man for half a years experience may learn more Law, then he can in three Terms for an hundred pound.

It is a little Wood of woe, a Map of misery, a place that will learn a young man more villany, if he be apt to take it in six months, than at twenty Gaming Ordinaries, Bowling-Allies or Bawdy­houses, and an old man more policy, than if he had been Pupill to Matchiavell.

This Place hath more diseases predominant in it than the Pest-house in a Plague time; and stinks worse than my Lord Mayors Dog-house.

It is a little Common-wealth, although little wealth common there; it is a desart, where desert lies hood-winkt.

[Page 113] The Place is as intricate as Rosamonds Labyrinth, and is so full of Meanders and Crooked turnings, that it is impossible to finde the way out, except he be directed by a Silver Clue, and can never over­come the Minoraure without a Golden-ball to work his own safety. Thus much in short; the next day paying our Fees, and receiving some checks, with good admonitions from the Justice, we were dis­charged. This misfortune made us not a jot more cautious, but assoon as we were at liberty, we went upon the sent to Mother C [...]-formerly famous for the Citizens wives that frequented her house; and still rides Admiral of all the rest of her function about the Town. I hope the next time I go to visie her, she will not get me clapt for the pains I take in praising her. The truth of it is, of all the Bawd [...] I know, she merits most, having an house fit for the accommodation of the best: As for her walk­ing Utensils, they are composed of refined mettal, alwayes neatly kept; which, because they are not used upon all slight occasions, they appear the more delectable to the eye. Assoon as we had entered the door, I could hear a ruffling of Silks in sundry places: I conceive it was their policy, by seeming modesty, to set a greater edge on our appetites. We were conducted into a large handsome Room, bot­tles of Wine were brought up, both Spanish and French, with Salt meats to relish the Pallate, though we gave no order for them: But, it seems, it was the custom of the house, a chargeable one, but without a piece spending, you shall know little of their practices. At length, up came the old Matron, she seats her self by me, and began to be impudently acquainted, chucking me under the chin, calling me her Son Smock-face. Having well warmed our [Page 114] selves with Wine, and the good Gentlewoman perceiving that our bloods began to heat. Well, said she, I guess at the intent of your coming hi­ther, neither shall you go away unsatisfied. Nature will have its course, and if in Youth it be stopt, it will but, Torrent-like, flow with the greater impetuosity. Come, I see by your countenances, that ye were born sons of mirth and pleasure, shew then what stock ye came of: If you want Subjects to exercise your parts on, we'll have more Wine; and when ye are inflamed, ye shall have the benefit of a Cooler. With that she leaves us; but another of the same Sex, though three degrees different in age, supplied her place. At first view I seemed very well pleased; handsome she was, and very proportionable, but withal so impudent, that I was antidoted against lechery. Ista femina qua li­mites vericundiae semel excesserit, opportet illam essegra­viter impudentem. If once a woman pass the bounds of Shamefac'dness, she will seldom stop till she hath arrived to the heighth of Impudence. I must needs deal ingeniously at the beginning, The Needle of my Microcosm was toucht by Loves Loadstone. But upon further acquaintance, if I might have had an hundred pounds, I could not have medled with her.

Though she had baited her desires with a million of prostitute countenances and entice­ments, yet I lookt upon her rather a Companion for an Hospital, and stood more in need of a Chy­ [...]rgions acquaintance than mine. My Friend had nibbled at the bait; but when I heard them capitu­lating about the price, I thought she wanted a Fee for the Doctor. Well, had she not over-traded, she had not broke so soon, for her trade is oppo­site to all others: for she did set up without credir, [Page 115] and her too much custome undid her; and so let her go, without either shame or hope of repen­tance.

We desired to see another: 'Tis variety that Man cheifly takes delight in: One constant sort of Food, without participating of any other, though Manna, will cause the stomack to long for the Flesh-pots: Neither can the crime be greater in the enjoyment of divers persons, than one alone, provided Matrimo­ny make not the Act Legitimate: I do not approve of these consequent lines tending to this purpose, yet give me leave to insert them, that you may un­derstand how viciously minded some are in this frothy age.

Born under some ill Planet, or accurst,
Is he that loves one single Whore:
Who with one draught can always quench his thirst,
Ty'd to one Mistress, and no more.

This nauseating thing being removed, up came one of Venus her chief Darlings, excellent Flesh! and she her self the Cook that drest it, spending most of her day time about it, that she might with the better appetite be tasted at night. Finding no ex­ceptions in this, I was impatient till I had consum­mated my desires, withdrawing into another room. To heighten my thoughts, she declared to me her Birth and Education; that as the one was well ex­tracted, the other had occasioned much cost and ex­pence. That for her parts she associated with none but persons of quality, who by long patience, in­treatments, which first procured a familiarity, and [Page 116] in fine freedom in the exercise of love affairs; and so would have (seemingly) put me off upon this score, that it was not usual for her to admit of any to her embraces, but such whose long acquaintance had gained her affection. I offered her a Crown, which she refused with indignation, telling me, That she was not yet reduced to so low a condition, as to become so poor a Mercenary Prostitute. At last, with much perswasion, I fastned on her an half Piece, and so striving with her (she onely seem­ing averse) I accomplisht my ends. And presently in came a fellow, whose very face would have en­lightned the room, though in the darkest night: for indeed it appeared to me a Blazing Star, and his Nose (for miraculously he had preserved it) was the brushy Tayl. Laying his hand on his Sword, he looked fiercer than a Spanish Don insulting over an Indian Slave. The bulk of his Body began to heave like an Earthquake, whilest his mouth, Etna-like, belcht out all manner of sulphurous Oaths, which roared so loud, as if his belly had contained a barrel of Gun-powder, and the Linstock of his Nose had fired it. His courteous Salutation to me, was, How darest thou, Son of a Whore, presume in this nature to dishonor me, in the abusing of my wife, without the ex­pectation of an immediate annihilation or dissipation in­to Atomes? But I have something here shall tame thy insolence, and now I am resolved toset thy Blood abroach. With that he seemed to make a Pass at me: Now I, imagining that he really intended to do what he pretended, for the safe-guard of my life, took up a Jovnt-stool, and received his point in the seat, and following it home, tumbled him down the stairs, and not being able to recover my self, fell with him. My Comerade came running down at [Page 117] the noise to assist me, but he seeing me rather make use of my heels than hands, followed my example, and so built a Sconce, leaving the old Bawd to condole her great loss, for her Reckoning was very considerable.

Now because I have often met with these Hectors or Trapanning Villains, I think it will not be un­suitable to this present Discourse, to insert their Character.


A Bawdy-house is his Cloyster, where he con­stantly says his Mattins. He is an Whores Pro­tector, pretending himself more valiant than any of the ancient Heroes, thereby thinking to take off the suspicion of a Coward from himself: For the opinion of Valor is a good protection to those that dare not use it. His frequent drawing his Sword upon any slight occasion, makes the ignorant sup­pose him Valiant, whereas he durst not do it, but when he is confident no danger will ensue thereon. He never strikes any, but such he is sure will not re­turn his blows. In company he is wonderful ex­ceptious and cholerick, thinking in the fray some booty may be obtained: but his wrath never swells higher than when men are loth to give him any oc­cation; but the onely way to pacifie him, is to beat [Page 119] him soundly. The hotter you grow, the milder he is, proresting he always honoured you. The more you abuse him, the more he seems to love you: if he chance to be quarrelsome, you may threaten him into a quiet temper. Every man is his Master that dares beat him, and every one dares that knows him; and he that dares do this, is the onely man can do much with him. Yet if he knows a Coward, he will purposely fall out with him, to get Courre­sies from him, and so be bribed into a reconcile­ment. Yet I cannot say but than he may fight, (if with great advantage) being so accustomed to the sight of drawn Swords, which probably may infuse something of a conceit into him; which he so mag­nifies by his own good opinion, that he would have people believe that the Mole-hill of his Prowess no less than a Mountain. This little he hath, he is no Niggard in displaying, resembling some Apo­thecaries Shops, full of Pots, though little con­tained in them. His Estate lies in Contrivances, and though other Landlords have but four Quar­ter-days, he hath three hundred sixty and odd to receive the fruits of his Stratagems. He is well skill'd in Cards and Dice, which help him to cheat young Gulls newly come to Town; and the reason he usually gives for it, is, A Woodcock must be pl [...]kt ere he be drest. If that will not do, he carries him to one of his Mistresses, and so both join to plume this Fowl: if there be not ready money to answer expectation, a Bond of considerable value shall for we turn, attested by two shall swear any thing for half a Crown. No man puts his brain to more use then he; for his life is a daily invention, and each meal a mear stratagem. He hath an excellent memory for his acquaintance; if there ever past but an How do [Page 120] you? between him and another it shall serve seven years hence for an embrace, and that for money. Out of his abundance of joy to see you, offers a pot­tle of Wine; and in requital of his kindness, can do no less than make you pay for it whilest you are drawing money, he sumbles in his pockets (as School-boys with their points, being about to be whipt) till the Rockoning be paid, and says It must not be so, yet is easily per­swaded to it; and then cries Gentlemen, you force me to incivillity. When his whores cannot supply him, he borrows of any that will lend him ought of this man a shilling, and of another as much; which some lend him, not out of hope to be repayed, but that he will never trouble them again. If he finds a good look from any, he will haunt him so long, till he force a good nature to the necessity of a quarrel. He loves his Friend as one doth his Cloak, that hath but one, and knows not how to get another; he will be sure to wear him thread-bear ere he for sake him. Men shun him at last as infection; nay, his old Companions, his Cloaths that have hung upon him so long, at length fall off too. His prayer in a morning is, That his Chears may take effect that day; if not, that he may be drunk before night. He sleeps with a To­bacco pipe in his mouth, and he dreams of nothing but Villany. If any mischief escapes him, it was not his fault, for he lay as fair for it as he could. He dares not enter into a serious thought left he hang himself, but if such melancholy seize him, the Drink is his refuge, and Drunkenness cures him. Lastly he commonly dies like a Malefactour on the Gallows, or like Hercules with fire in his bones. When hanged, if begged for an Anatomy, it would [Page 121] serve to convert Tobacco-smokers from delighting in the excess thereof; for they will find the funnel of his body, I mean his throat, furred and choakt up.

Being freed from danger, we rejoiced exceeding­ly that we thus so narrowly escaped, resolving to house our selves in the next Bubbling-place we came to, that we night talk freely of this rencounter. A place (pointed out to us by the Devils Finger) soon presented it self to our Eyes, which we with more than good speed entered, and coming into the Kitchin, I was not a little amazed at the sight of a thing sitting in a Chair by the fire-side, with a Pipe of Tobacco in its mouth, and a Quarter of Strong-Waters by its side. This Tun of Flesh re­sembled an Elephant for the bignesse of her Waste, had there been the least appearance of Tooth: A Nose she had (which with all wonder be it spoken that she had any) so long, as that it was a fit resem­blance of the Elephants Proboscis or Trunk. But as I said before, her Teeth were faln out; and as loving Neighbours to reconcile them, her Chin and Nose resolved to meet about it. She bids us Welcome as well as she could speak. Go, I think she could not; but opening her mouth, Lord, what strong imaginations my fancy suggested to me! Me thought I saw Hell gaping to favour me; and with­in that bottomless Concave, could discern infinite numbers of Souls whose damnation she was accessa­ry to; and coming somewhat too near her, I ima­gined her breath was bitumenous and smelt of Brim­stone. She might fitly be compared to an old Coal that hath been well burnt, that with the least spark [Page 122] will rekindle and fire any thing near it. But her fittest likeness is the Devil, her Envy running para­lel with his. All that the Devil endeavours is to bring Mankind into the same state with himself, and a Bawds crime is to make all fair women like her: now because their youth perhaps will not admit of it so soon, she hurries them on to it by degrees, by drinking, smoaking, painting, and the dayly excess in venery. I lookt about her house very inquisi­tively, but I could not judge her Moveables (setting aside her quick Cattel) to be worth an Inventory. Her bedding I doubt me too is infectious, few co­ming neer it but they are presently taken with a fit of the falling-sickness. This old Beldame, being loth to put her throat to the trouble of calling her white Devils about her, had got a Whistle, on which she used several Notes, which Musical language her Girls understood very well. We called for drink; the old Baw replyed she would send for some, though she had it not in the house: this was to be sure of our Moneys. Herein I observee their tem­perance, not suffering us to have too much mea­sure, Wenches we had plentifully, one more espe­cially I took notice of, to have the Swarthiest skin I have seen English born on whom an ordinary fellow was very sweet. When I saw my opportu­nity, I askt him, (craving his excuse) What Trade he was? Pat as I would have it, he answered me. That he was a [...]er. I concluded so, Sir, (said I) by your dressing of that Calves skin there. This Dull­headed fool apprehended me not, but began to be angry, telling me, His Trade was a good Trade and I need not undervalue it: I told him, I did not, since there was some analogy between my Trade and his Why [Page 123] what trade are you? (said he,) (I may ask you a que­stion as well as you me.) I replyed, That I was Cuckold­maker. How can that be like my Profession? quoth he. In this, said I, You dress the Skins, and I trim the Horns. The Bawd at this fell into such an extream fit of laughter, that down fell her Pipe, and up came the Strong-Waters that she had swallowed; that was not all, but having not her retentive faculty, she let flie: surely she was overcharged, which made her recoyl, and so blew out her breech-pin. She was forced to leave us, and about an hour after return­ed: how sweet I cannot tell you. We fell into dis­course again: I askt her, How long she had liv'd in this house? Two years (said she) a longer time than any house I have lived in this twenty years: with that I con­cluded she was in fee with the Justices Clerk. My stomach being waterish, I would needs have some Eggs and Bacon: but Lord, what an Agony the hearing thereof put the Bawd in! desiring me to de­sist, for she should die at the sight of them. I askt her the reason: O, said she, it puts me in mind of one Shrove-tuesday especially, on which the Apprentices pulled down my house; and sick, sick as I was, pulled me away violently from a Caudle I had prepared to com­fort me: But they gave me one with a Pox to them, and the Devils Dam take the rotten Eggs in it, with which I thought they would have pelted out my brains, after they had dragged me sufficiently, and worried me (as a Mastiff would a Cat) till they were weary of the sport, fearing I should catch cold, they out of pity covered me warm in a Bogg-house. But the worst was, after this kinde usage, I was to go through a long street before I could come to an acquaintanee of mine wherein I could safely secure my self from the out-rage of these Hell­hounds. [Page 124] All along as I went, a thousand Dogs barks at me, the street was filled with people looking and laugh­ing at my sad disaster, but none daring to come near me. They say I left so strong a scent behind me, that several of the Inhabitants lift their dwellings upon it, and that the strong savour remained in that place above six days. I seemed to pitty her much, promising to visit her often; and so we left her.


What a Trick he served his Comrade; how himself was Trapan'd; his own Cloaths taken from him; the Band out of pretend­ed pity, invested him with an old peticoat and wastcoat; his admittance into a Boarding-School; his getting many of the Gentlewomen with Childe; his discovery, and his flight.

FRom one bawdy house to another, was our day­ly Travel, still finding out some variety that might please us. About the twylight, coming along by the well built house, I saw a Gentlewoman richly Attired standing at the door, who, as I passed by, very civily saluted me, and so withdrew her self; I followed her in, as very well understanding how to interpret such actions. She brought us into a spacious inner-room, and then with much civility and good carrage, invited us to sit down. She called to her servant to bring some bottles of Wine, resolving to make us pay dearly for her extraordi­nary Favours. By our habits she took us for no less than persons of Quality; for we had gallantly [Page 126] accoutred our selves; and I thought that Fortune now had designed me her chiefest Favorite, in throwing this unexpected blessing upon me. She caused her Lute to be brought her, to which she sung so harmonical, that the Musick of the Spheres are no more to be compared to it, than a Scotch Bag­pipe to an Organ. This so intoxicated my Come­rade, with the Wine together (not but that they had a great operation on my self) that he fell fast asleep, (alias dread drunk.) Glad I was to my very heart of this accident, fearing he might be a Rival in my intention: and to the intent I might remove all Remora's or Impediments that might hinder my sole enjoyment of this Lady, I consulted with my self what to do with him; I was not long about it, but streight found out this cunning Plot, which was to send him home to his Master. Love to a Woman is so forceable, that what will it not do? To sum up all, make a man betray his Friend. I made my Apology to the Gentlewoman for his incivility, and requested the favor to have her servant procure me a Porter; whilest she was gone to execute my de­sires, I searcht his Pockets, and took away all his Gold; for we had converted all our money into that Mettal, which we always made our vade me­cum. To ingratiate my self with this Gentlewo­man, I acquainted her with my design, which she heartily laughed at. I farther desired of her, that I might have a Card and a piece of Paper. On the Card I wrote a Superscription, and pinned it on his back, directing the thing to his Master, living in such a place; with the Paper, I wrote a Letter to him to this effect.

Lately I found your Goose upon the way,
I took him up, as one that went astray.
To recompence my pains, I pull'd his feathers,
Such precious doun will warm me in all weathers.
His flesh I love not; it belongs to you:
The gibblets though I keep, and so adieu.

I gave the Porter instructions, that he should but just put him within the doors and leave the Let­ter, and so with all speed to come away to prevent examination; he brought me word he had per­formed my order: what descants were made here­on, I shall leave the Reader to imagine. By this time I had gained my mistress with a shower of Gold, which had so far prevailed on her, that she protested she was wholly and solely at my devoti­on. I would have had her to have gone immedi­ately to bed; but she told me, There would be time enough before morning to sport in, and that we should be both tired, if we went to bed so soon. Wherefore to divert our selves, we drunk and sung together in parts, I my self having indifferent good judgment. Having spun out the time so long till it was time to go to bed, she then conducted me to the Chamber where she intended we should lie. Though she made what haste she could to undress her self, yet me thought she was purposely tedious. I commend­ed before her Vocal and Instrumental Musick, but then I esteemed no other Musick sweeter than what the tag made against her Bodice when she was unla­cing her self. About two a clock in the morning, three fellows rushed into our Room, at which I a­waked, but made as little noise as a Perdue. My mi­stress leaping out of the Bed, they seized on her, [Page 128] gagged and bound her; and then opening the two leaves of the Window that was the entrance into the Belcony, they came in all haste to the Bed, and in a trice, had rowled up the Bed so close, that they had like to have stiffled me in the middle on't, though they dragged me in the Bed from off the Bedsteed, rudely letting me fall on the ground, yet I felt no harm, every part of me was so well guarded, that in that condition, I might have bid defiance to a Canon Bullet. But when I heard them talk of flinging the Bed over the Belcony to their Companions, I thought I should have died instantly for fear, knowing I must of necessity go with it. Whereupon I cryed out as loud as could, and strugling, I got a little place open and then I roar'd like Phalaris his Bull. They seeming to be surprized with my unexpected noise, fled, fastning a Rope to the Belcony, and so slid down into the street. Perceiving they were all gone, I groped about the Room (for it was very dark) speaking very lowly, Where are you Madam? repeating it often; but much wondred I could not hear her an­swer me. As I was feeling round the Room, stretch­ing forth my hands, I chanced to run one of my hands against her, and one of my fingers into her mouth; I thought my finger had strayed at first mistaken the place, but searching farther, I found teeth, I knew then where about I was, and disco­vered withal, a stick in her mouth, keeping it wide open, as Butchers do their Sheep with a Gambrel, But having removed this obstacle of her speech, she begged me to untie her hands, which having done, she her self untied her feet; and with that she would have clasped me in her arms, but I hung an arse, being sensible of the stinking condition [Page 129] that the fear had put me in. She was very inquisitive after my welfare, asking me again and again, Whe­ther I had received any harm from the Rogues, I told her no: Nay, then I care not for my own sufferings, or what loss I have sustained by them, said she, and so speedily went for a candle. As I was thinking to Apogilo­ze for my nastiness, up she came with a light, view­ing me, and perceiving what a condition I was in, she kept at a distance; Sir, said she, my fancy [...] gests to me, that you now resemble Nebuchadnezzar when Metamorphozed into a beast, and lying in his own dung; when you shall have reassumed you humanity, I shall pre­sume to approach nearer to you. I made my Sirreve­rence to her, wishing they had gagged her breech too so wide, that her guts might have a passage through her posteriors. For I plainly perceived, not­withstanding all her specious pretences, she was the foundress of this Plot. Well, she caused water to be brought up, with which I clensed my self, and be­cause my shirt had too strong a sent of Stercus huma­num, she lent me a Smock, which presaged ere long I should ware Coats too. Having shifted my self, I looked for my Cloaths, but there was a Non est in­ventus out against them, all my search could afford me not the least comfort: my Mistress seemed much disturbed at my loss, but when I told her I had lost such a considerable quantity of Gold, her sorrow seemed to be redoubled, and I am sure her inward joy was increased. She comforted me with a great many friendly loving expressions, desiring me to be patient, and indeed necessity forced me to it. I asked her advice what I should do in this naked con­dition, There is no remedy, (she replyed) you must be content to cloath your self in Womans apparel, as for [Page 130] mans I have none to furnish you withal. I consented to it, and presently she drest me up in one of her Gowns, with all the appurtenances thereunto be­longing. The slenderness of my body, whiteness of skin, beauty, and smoothness of face (having no hairs thereon) added a suitableness to my gath. I must ingeniously confess, when I consulted with a Look­ing-glass, I thought the transmutation of Sexes had been verified in me; but when I walked, I found something pendulous, which easily perswaded me to the contrary belief of my self. I thought it folly to tax her for my misfortune, knowing how little it would advantage me. The time was come I was to take my leave of her, going to salute her, I committed a foul mistake, indeavouring to pull off my hood in stead of my hat, and making a Leg (as the vulgar term is) in stead of a Curchy; but the advising me to rectifie that mistake for the time to come, we bid each other adieu. In this disguize I traversed, the streets, it being almost impossible for any to discover me, my voice being so effeminate, that I was confident that would never betray me. As I walkt, I consulted with Reason, what was most expedient. My invention (as at all times) was now ready to assist me; and thus it was. Finding a Bill on a door, I knocked, desiring to see what Lod­gings they had; I was very civily intreated to come in, and was shown several Rooms with much respect, for my female habit was very gallant, and so it had need, for it cost me dearer than so much [...]loath of Gold. I pitch'd at last upon a Chamber extraordinary well furnished, I never scrupled the pace, (because they should look on me as a person of Quality) but agreed to my Landlords own terms. [Page 131] I told him I was lately come out of the Countrey, and that my Trunks were not yet arriv'd, with a great many more fictions to prevent suspition. At first I intended to take for no longer time, than I could contrive a way to dispose of my self, and pro­cure mans Apparrel; but perceiving how agreeable my Feature, Stature and Gesture were to my Fe­male Weeds, I resolved to trie some projects in them. There was a young Gentleman that lay in the house, and took special notice of me as soon as I entered it, and as he told me next day, was over­joyed that I had determined to be a Lodger there. This young Bravo (which had more money than wit) had prepared a Banquet for me, and requested the favour of me, that it and himself might be re­ceived into my chamber, I alleadged I could not do it in point of honour, and therefore desired to be excused; but he prest me so far (getting also his Landlady to intercede for him, that at last (though with much seeming unwillingness) I condescended thereunto. Very merry they were, but I thought it prudence to be reserv'd. My Amorist so gazed on me, that I thought he would have devoured me with his eyes, kissing me sometimes, which had lik'd to have made me disgorge my stomack in his face. For in my opinion, is it very unnatural, nay loath­some, for one man to kiss another, though of late too too customary I know it is; yet I look on such as use it, inclining to Sodomy, and have had the un­happiness to be acquainted with several, who using that unnatural action, found it onely the Proclu­dium to a more beastly intention. In three dayes time we grew so intimately acquainted, that at last he became impudent. One time as I past by him, he catch'd at me, endeavouring to intrude his hand [Page 132] where he had no interest, but he did it so rudely, that I verily thought he had spoiled me; I believe he ima­gined that he had caught me by the busk, which some Ladies wear very long to hide their rising bel­lies. I showed my self much displeased at him for so doing, expressing my resentment in imbittered words for so great a Crime. Next morning, he courted me to a Reconciliation with a Gold Watch, by that he should have been well skilled in gaining female affections; for there is nothing prevails on them more than presents; and nothing gains soon­er over them a total conquest, than the hopes of en­joying a fair promising Fortune. With much im­portunity I accepted his Peace-offering, conditi­onally, that he should never attempt the like of­fence. Nothing troubled me more, theen how to dress my self when my cloaths were off. I durst not lay two things together, for fear I should mistake, there were so many baubles, I wished for a Pen and Ink, to write on them what places they properly belonged to. Viewing them on the Table together, they represented to my thoughts Babel, or a greater confusion, and nothing but a miracle could produce Order out of them. I had so improv'd my self by hourlypractice, when none was with me, and obser­vation of others, that I had now the knack on't. I new modelled my steps, my former being too large by three quarters; I could advantagiously cast my eye, set my face in a plat-form, and dissect my words; my feet were my only Traytors, and there­fore I alwayes kept them close Prisoners, for their greatness (like the Devils cloven-foot) proclaimed me the contrary Sex I imitated. Well, I thought it high time to be gone, not without plucking my [Page 133] Widgeon. Having a fit opportunity, there being none present but himself and I, I pretended disap­pointment of mony, and that my Rents were not yet due, and therefore desired him to lend me 10 l. for eight days; at the termination of which time, I should not fail to return it him with gratitude. He was much joy'd, that I would favour him so far, as to accept his service; and with that flew like Light­ning, fearing he would have fractured his Leg-bone for haste to bring me the money, which I received from him thankfully. I caused a Coach to be call'd, pretending I had business into the City. My Cully would have waited on me, which I utterly refused, telling him without privacy my affairs would prove ineffectual; whereupon he desisted.

Coming into Burchin-Lane, I went to a Salesman, and bought (pretendedly for my Maid) an ordina­ry yet handsome Peticoat and Westcoat, furnishing my self with all the Appurtenances requisite for a Servant maid.

In stead of returning to my Lodging, I caused the Coachman to drive me to one of the principal Nurseries of Venus Whetstones Park. For I lookt up­on it as a matter of small import, to take my leave either of my young Gallant at home, or my Land­lord, since I had not left the least Mortgage behind me for sleeping.

Mother Cunny (to tell the truth) was the Nick­name of that Corpulent Matron, that with much demonstrations of joy, received me into her house; neither could she forbear expressing her great satis­faction, in that her civil and honest deportment was so generlly taken notice of, as that it should be an inducement to strangers, to shelter themselves [Page 134] under her Tutelage, preferring her as a Guardian or Tutress, before so many throughly tried, and long experienced antient Gentlewomen, both in City and Suburbs. She highly applauded both the Features and Complexion of my Face, not forget­ing the right colour of my Hair, which was flaxen; the Stature of my Person infinitely pleased her, which was somewhat of the tallest: In short, no­thing disliked her, but that she said I lookt as if I had a greater mind to beat, than buss; and to fight than delight my Amoretes with smiling insinua­tions.

I had not been long in her house, before a roar­ing Damme entred the house, (a constant visitant) who meeting with my Guardian, was informed that there was a rich treasure discover'd in her house and that none should attempt to spring the Mine, til he had made entrance by the first stroak. In short he was brought into the Chamber where I was, who at first behaved himself indifferently civil, and treat­ed me nobly: But ô Heavens! how great was my confusion and destraction, when strength of Argu­ments and force of hands, would not repel the fury of his lust, and that nothing would serve his turn, but lying with me. I defended my self manfully a long time, but seeing it was impossible to hold out any longer, and that I must be discovered, the next assault he made, forced me to cry out, this so alarum­ed my Gentleman (concluding this out cry proceed­ed not from modest and chastity, but out of some trapanning design) that he drew his sword, & made toward the Stair-case, and running down with more [...] than good speed, overturned my kind Gover­ [...] (that was puffing up the stairs to my relief) & so [Page 135] both tumbled down together; fear had so dispos­sest this huffling fellow of his senses, that he mis­took my old Matron for the Brava, he thought did usually attend me, and so without once looking behind him, made his escape into the street, leaving the piece of Antiquity not so much defaced by time, as by this dismal accident so near extin­guishing, that she was half undone in the vast ex­pence of her strong waters, to bring her tongue to one single motion.

Coming to her self, you may imagine how I was treated by her; but to be brief, I told her I could not brook such a course of life, wherein all injoy­ments were attended by ruine and destruction, al­though habited and cloathed in the seeming orna­ments of real pleasure; adding moreover, that I would speedily leave her house, investing my self with a meaner garb, bestowing those I wore on her in part of satisfaction for what she suffered through my means. This proposition so well pleased her, that I had free liberty to do as I thought most con­venient herein.

Exchanging my fine Madamship for plain Joan­ship, my equipage being suitable for service, I re­solved to apply my self to a Boarding School, and the rather having observed it to be more thronged with Beauties, than any other. My address pro­ved as succesful as I could desire, for instantly upon my motion, I was received in as a Menial of the house. But when I came to use the Tools of the Kitchin, I handled them so scurvely, it made those teething Giglets my fellow servants, even split with laughter. To add to my misfortune, those Varlets one time when we had some meat to roaft, on purpose got out of the way for a while, [Page 136] to see how I could behave my self, and then I did spit the meat so monstrously strange, that coming into the Kitchin, they could not tell at first fight what those joynts were called at fire. My actions had proclaimed my ignorance in all Domestick Af­fairs, so that my Mistress could not but take notice of me; the result was, that I was altogether unfit for her service, and that she could do no less than dis­charge me.

Fearing that my design was now frustrated, and my fair hopes of delight annihilated, could not con­tain my tears from bedewing my face. My blub­berd eyes wrought so powerfully with my Mistress, that I judged it now the fittest time in broken Ac­cents to molli [...]e her anger, and still reserve my place in her service. Whereupon I told her a great many formal and plausible lies, well methodized; that I had all my life time lived in an obscure Village, amongst rude and ill-bred people, and therefore knew nothing, that it was my desire to learn, not so much valuing wages as experience, and it was for that intent, I had tendred my service. The good old Gentlewoman being much pleased with my free­dom, presently ordered the maids that without their grinning and gigleting, they should shew me any thing I understood not.

By diligent observing, I gained shortly an indif­ferent knowledge: Though I lay with one of my fel­low servants every night, yet I judged it no prudence to discover to her my Sex (though much against the hair) ill I had by external kindnesses indeared her to me. I went through my business pretty handily, giving a general satisfaction, gaining dayly an in­terest upon the loves of the young Gentlewomen.

[Page 137] O the fine inexpressible petulances that dayly, nay, hourly past between me and some or other of them; and so crafty I was grown that I perfectly did counterfeit a modest maiden. Sometimes we would retire three or four of us into a private corner, yet not so obscure but that we intended to be seen by some man or other we had afore discovered; and then as if affrighted by an unexpected surprize. Squeck out, and the with strange haste endeavour to hide our pretended shamefacedness. Thusconcurring and suiting my self to their humours, I had all the freedome I could desire.

And now thought it high time to handle the mat­ter for which I came about; for indeed flesh and blood could hold out no longer. One night I per­ceived my Bedfellow could not in the leaft close her eyes, continually fighing and tumbling too and fro, sometimes laying hex leg over me, and at other times hugging me within her arms, as if I had been in a press. At first I thought this Commotion or perturbation proceded from Sympathy, as questionless in part it did; for I found experimentally by my self that my heart did beat as if it would have forced its passage through my breast.

I thought I could do no less then ask the cause why she was thus restles, At first, sighs were her onely answers, till at last (I pressing her much) Poor thing she melted into tears. As soon as her eyes had given over deluging, and that her heart would give her leave to speak; Jone (said she, (for so I called my self if thou wilt keep my secrets, I will tell thee my whole heart. Having pro­mised to do that, whereupon she began thus to re­lated [Page 131] her story. Our Coachman for several years hath shown me more then common respect, and indeed though I have concealed that affection I ever bore him, yet I could not but now and then give him slight occasions of hope: as the months where­in we lived together added to our age, so did it add true life and vigour to our loves which increased so much and fast, that I could hide mine no longer. But herein consists my misery that our affections aim at different ends; I fain would marry him; he is onely for present enjoyment, and finding me obstinate and not in the least yeilding to his amo­rous solicitations, begins to slight me, and toys with such before my face, that I know will surrender their Maiden-forts upon the first Summons. Now Dear Joan, let me tell thee, I can hold out no longer but am resolved to give him all the opportunity of privacy I can invent, upon the least motion offer­ed, I will entertain it. I disswaded her from this rash resolution with as much reason as I could utter; inculcating the danger of being gotten with child, with all its aggravations: that having obtained his ends, his love would be converted into loathing, and he having rejected her as his object, none that knew her would choose her as an object that may make an honest wife; for who would marry a whore but to entail the Pox on his progeny. What ever I alleadged, she valued not. Seeing she was full bent, I thought this the critical hour to disco­ver my self to her. Come, come (said I) I with quickly put you out of conceit with John, and cure this love that so much troubles you; and so I did, after which I enjoyned her silence; which I thought she would have done, for her own interest sake; which she did for a while. I came at length to be very [Page 139] much beloved in general. It was the custome almost every night for the young Gentlewomen to run skit­tishly up and down into one anothers Chambers; and I was so pestered with them, that they would not let me sleep. But I had an excellent Guardian in bed with me, that would not let any of them come in to us, resolving to monopolize me to her self. It was good sport to observe how this Maid always followed me as my shadow, and whatever I was doing, she would have a hand in it with me. What an endless work we made in making the beds! Our Mistress saw her work very much neglected, laying all the blame upon my bedfellow; and indeed not without cause: for her mind was so employed about thinking on night, that she did little all day; which my Mistress perceiving, turned her away; which was no small joy to me, if for no other considera­tion than her extream fondness, which I knew would betray us both in the end.

After the departure of my Bedfellow, the young Ladies pittying my loneness in the night, redrest that solitude by their welcome presence. The first that came had like to have spoiled all by her squeak­ing, but some of her Associates running to know what was the matter, she readily told them she thought there was a Mouse in the bed: thus satisfied, they departed, and I enjoyned her as I did the other, silence: but alas! all Injunctions on Women to keep a secret, are but as so many perswasions to divulge it. Notwithstanding I had so enjoyned her secrecy, yet she made it known to some that she entertained a peculiar respect for, intending they should participate with her in what she enjoy­ed. This discovery did put me to an extream hard [Page 140] task, I should never have undergone it, had not va­riety of such sweet smelling Rose buds encouraged me.

Thus frequently each night did I repeat,
My uncontrouled passions, and for heat,
And active liveliness, I thought that none
Could stand with me in competition.
Twas then forgetful wretch, that I a kiss
Did oft preferr before a greater bliss.
What did I care my carnal joys did swell
So slighted Heaven, and ne're feared Hell,
But let me henoeforth learn to slight those toys
And set my heart upon Celestial joys.

In the very height of these my jollities, I cou'd not forbear thinking sometimes on my eternal con­dition, but custome and opportunity had so abso­lutely inslaved me, that good thoughts which were but seldom, wrought little good effects upon me. But if my souls welfare would not deter me from these soul and wicked acts, yet love to my present mortall condition, compelled me for a while to de­sist, and by flying those embraces I lately so hotly pursued, shun those complicated mischiefs which were appropinquant, the undeniable effects of my immoderate and distractive wantonness. My ap­proaching danger was too too visible, for I observed that some of the Gentlewomen began to find strange alterations in their body, with frequent qual [...] coming over their stomacks, which made me sick to be gone, and in this manner I did plot [Page 141] my escape. My Mistriss having a Son much about my stature, and one time finding a fit opportunity, I got a suit of cloaths of his, with other perquisits which I put on, reassuming my proper shape and ha­bit, and so with flying colours marched off, insulting over the conquest of so many maiden-heads, leaving the quondam possessors thereof to deplore their en­suing misery, and condemn their own rash folly.


What a Trick he served a young man of his Ac­quaintance, whom he met withal acciden­tally; how he was pinched with hunger, and what wayes he invented to kill it.

I Made all the speed I could to London, knowing the largeness of that Vast City, would afford conveniency for my concealment. But then my cloaths much troubled me, knowing nothing would betray me sooner than they. Whilst I was studying all imaginable wayes for my preservation, such an opportunity presented it self that therein it was plainly seen the Fates had decreed of old to favour my enterprizes. As I said, walking the streets and ruminating what was best to be done, I met with a young man of my acquaintance, who seeing me, ran and caught me in his Arms, and with very much joy we congratulated each other, and so as it is usual when Friends meet, we must drink toge­ther. Over our cups; I began to inquire after his condition; He shook his head, and so related to me a sad story, which in effect was to this purpose in his own words.

Dearest Friend, since last I saw you, never was young man so unfortunate as my self, the cause thereof I can [Page 143] impute to nothing more than self conceit, and over much credulity which by the sequel you will plainly understand. For perceiving that my Mistress shewing me more then a common respect, I concluded that she had entertained some private favour for me within her breast, so that I began to be puft up with conceit; neglecting my duty, and now desposing the Chamber-maid, who was before the only Saint I made nightly my oraizons to; withall, I carried my self so imperiously, that my Master was not very well assured whether he durst command or no. My Mistress would sometimes heartily laugh, to see how ridiculous I carryed my self, which I looked upon as a singular favour, mistaking her smiles for tokens of her love. When they were no other than the apparent Symp­tomes of her derision. Observing how affable and pleasing she was, I never considered the generality of it, so that my self flattering-noddle supposed this carriage particu­lar to me, and thereupon interpreted this her complacencie strong affection, and by reason she was frequently merry and jocose; I eoncluded her salacious or Lecherous. Thus by the false lights of misconstruction and easie belief, I was led into Loves Laborynth; My Masters affairs was less regarded than my Mistress supposed affection. In fine, I judged it absoleutly necessary to make her acquainted with my Amorous Passion, and no expedient better than by Letter. My Mistress (as it is customary with Citi­zens Wives, to light the candle of their husbands estates at both ends) had her Country-house, to which I was sent by my Master, with some bottles of Wine, preparatory for a Feast intended for the accommodation of some special Friend: arriving, I found my Mistress had sent her maid to London about some business, at which I bless'd propi­tious stars, to direct me thither in such a foriunate and most desired hour.

After I had delivered my Message, I began to talk [Page 144] very familiar with my Mistress, she with a smiling coun­tenance, ask'd ne, What I meant? not in the least checking my presumption, which made me more arrogant and bold; telling her, I was her eternally devoted Servant; she answered me. I was bound to be her Ser­vant for a time, and that I must, when commanded obey her pleasure: to which last word, I added in my thoughts the Epithite Venereal, supposing she meant not to have left it out; with that I replyed, Mistress, I should not deem my self worthy to be your Servant, if my resolution had not ingaged me to be so perpetually; as for my affection, it shall dayly anticipate your desires; you shall not need to lay your commands on me, since my thoughts shall be solely imployed in contriving wayes how we may injoy eath other, to the mutual satisfaction of us both. At which words, she fell into an excess of laughter, (which I judged the effects of joy) and then asked me, Whither I was Mad? I answered, No; unless too much love had made me so; Dearest Mistress, read but this Paper, and I hope that will better inform you.

Here he stopt, pulling out of his pocket a copy thereof, which was to my best remembrance to this purpose.

Dearest Mistress,

FRequently revolving in my thoughts, the condition I now am in, Despair stands ready to seize me; but the consideration and knowledge of your commiserating Nature, draws me out of its ruinating Jaws. When I reflect again on the disparity of our Fortunes, and that it is your Indentured Vassal that thus prostrates his af­fection at your feet, I fear one blast of your just Indig­nation will suddainly shiprack all my hopes. I confess [Page 145] my error is overmuch confidence, for which I may expect ruine, which commonly attends rash Attempts; especially daring to sail in the narrow Seas, without any other Pilot than blind Love, and if I should arrive at my desired Port, I cannot deliver my Goods without stealing Custome. But waving all difficulties of this nature, con­sider that Love must needs be quintessential, that is not drawn from any other interest than reciprocal enjoyment; and it must needs be exceeding strong and eminent too, that will force its way through the greatest hazards. Sig­nifie my Pardon by one gracious smile, for what I have so boldly (yet forceably) discovered, and I shall esteem my condition little inferior to what is Celestial; which is no happiness to me without the auspitious beams of your fa­vour shine on me. And so subscribe my self according as your sentence shall be, either the

Most happy, or most miserable.

The Verses that were annext to the Letter, he told me, he got a Rimer to compose for him which after­wards he found stoln out of several Authors; a line out of one, and a half out of another, and so with the course thred of his brain botch'd together; which were these:

Cupid did wound my heart; I hid the grief
Long time, but durst not seek for your relief;
I found the smart increased on that score,
For wounds, if not well search'd, but rankle more,
O cure me quickly then, or else I die;
Deny not, since there's none but you and I.

I withdrew as soon as I had delivered my Paper, giving her leave to read in private, what my Love [Page 146] had dictated. About a quarter of an hour after she called me to her, assuring me in a day or two, I should receive an answer to the purpose; and so ab­sconding her displeasure, she sent me with all expe­dition home again. After the expiration of three dayes, she came home to her City-house: at night she pretended some indisposition of body, and desi­red to lie by her self; which hearing, I thought my joy would prove a Traytor to my supposed happi­ness; she takes an occasion to tell me, About twelve at night I might come to her Bed-chamber, the door where­of she would leave open for me on purpose. In the mean time, she showed my Master the Letter, acquainting him with the whole business. According to the time appointed, I entered the Chamber in my shirt; ap­proaching the Bed, I began to pour out my Amo­rous Expressions; and as I had one leg upon the Bed-side, ready to enter the Bed, where I thought my Mistress had attended my pleasure, I thought the devil had waited on my Posteriors, correcting mesor not making more haste. The first lash was seconded with three or four more in an instant, which made me caper up and down so nimbly about the room, that for my life I could not find the door, at last I did, speed was now the onely Guardian I had lest, and so without pausing long upon it, I made but one step of the first pair of Stairs from top to the bottom, which had liked to have lamed me; before I could recover my self my Master was with me again, which put fresh expedition into me, and so starting up; I leapt down half the next pair, & tumbled down the rest. By this time he had lost the cord of his Whip, and fearing lest he might spoil me with the stick, defi­sted, bidding me go to bed, lest I should catch cold [Page 147] after so great a heat, and so with two or three parting blows I got into my chamber, where I fell into a deep consulration with my self, the result of it was this; I took my curtains and sheets, and tied them together; and then fastned one end thereof to the Window; after this I went our of the Window, and so slid, by that time I was within an half story of the ground, the knot of one of the Curtains slipt, so that falling from that height, I thought that every bone in my body had been absolutely broken. Knowing it was no wayes safe to lie there and cry God help me, I raised my self as well as I could, but I had not walk­ed far, before I found my self in no condition of going, wherefore I resolved to lie under the next Stall. As the Devil would have it, I found a Coblers Stall newly broke open that very night, never que­stioning the place, I crept in, and notwithstanding my bruise by the fall, and whipping besides, I fell fast asleep, so soundly, that I awaked not, till I was for­ced to it with an horse pox. For the Cobler coming to work early in the morning (according to his cu­stome) sound his door broken open, with that, he made an hideous noise, crying out, He was undone; for the day before he had laid out three shillings four pence, which was all his stock in Leather; all which was stoln, with many old shooes, nay his very work­ing implements; doubtless it was done by one of his own Fraternity, that had informed himself of his late great purchase. The Cobler entring his Stall, found me in one corner fast asleep. He took no other course to awake me, than dragging me by the heels out of my Den, into the Street, crying out, That he had got one of the Rogues, and without any more adoe, sell upon me busseting me with his fist, and [Page 148] treading me underneath his feet, making himself both my Judge and Executioner: Thus you see one mischief attends the others heels. I begged him in a pittiful manner to let me alone, and I would confess to him all I knew, desiring him to go with me to the next Ale-house, which accordingly we did. I vowed to him I was no ways accessary to his wrong, inform­ing him as much as I thought convenient of my suf­ferings, shewing him what a wosul plight I was in; relating, it was my Masters cruelty that was the cause of all this, and no other fault of mine, then staying the last night out a little too long. The Cobler seem­ed to commiferate my misery, asking me forgive­ness for what he had done, and so we parted. Since by the kindness of a good natured Widow (where I he) I have recovered my hurts and strength, and now am overjoyed we should so happily meet.

After this we drank very smartly, but, I forgot not all this while my design on him. After that I had pitied him, and lamented his sad misfortune, I thought it high time to put my Plot in execution, in order thereunto I demanded what difference he would take between my Hat and his, his Cloak and mine, there being small matter of advantage in the exchange, we agreed to go to handicap. In fine, There was not any thing about us of waring cloaths but we interchanged, scarce had I un-cased my self, and put on my Friends cloaths, but in came one that had dogged me, attended by the Consta­ble, with a Warrant to seize me, who they knew by no other token but my Boarding-Mistresses Sons garments, I had stolen for my escape. They forthwith laid hold on my Companion, (finding them on him) telling him, He should severely suffer for the [Page 149] wrong he did his Mistress, in the abuse of her house. Full of horror and amazement, he beseeched them not to carry him before his Mistress, knowing how much he had offended her, she would have no mer­cy on him; this confirmed their belief, that they had found out the Offender. The more he in­treated, the more deaf and inexorable were they; and whilst they were busied about their mistaken Criminal-Prisoner, I took an occasion to give them the slip, knowing that a little further discourse would rectifie their Error; what they did with him I know not, neither durst I be so inquisitive to un­derstand: wherefore, leaving him to the mercy of such, as would shew but little to him, I shall pro­ceed forwards in my own story. My stock was now very small; how to increase it, I knew not. My in­vention was daily on the Rack, to find out expedient wayes to supply my necessary expence. But my mo­ney being all spent, my belly began to grumble out insufferable complaints against me, seeming to charge me with want of ingenuity & industry, since I injoyed my liberty; for want that man cannot, which wants not them. Alas, what should I do? I used what means I could, having no better experience. There was not a Billiard-Table, Boards-End, and Nine-Pin-yard, that I did not daily visit, frequent­ing such as had the greatest resort: in a short time I learned the art of Spunging so perfectly, that I had the Title of Spung-Master General conferred up­on me. In those places I learned to take Tobacco which was the chiefest part of my food; living in a manner by Smoak, as the Camelion by Air. I fed so lightly, that I durst not stir abroad in a high wind; neither durst I fight lest one single stroak should have [Page 150] harzarded my dissolution, continual drinking, had so washed me, that my body was transparent, you might have seen within me (without dissection) the motion of the heart; you could have observed but little as to my liver, it long since had lost its use in the conveyance of the blood, for my stomack had nothing therein contained to supply it, like an Inns-a Court Kitchin out of Term-time. In short, I ap­peared like a walking Skeleton, I had several sug­gestions within me to proffer my self again to my Master; but the shame to be seen in that condition, deterred me; wherefore, I resolved to weather it out a little longer, and try whether Fortune would once more be favourable to me. My cloaths were indifferent good which could not but procure me credit, if I would make experiment. By means whereof I had gotten an handsome lodging cham­ber. It was a publick house of entertainment, so that have I thought I should have meat, drink & lodging for chalk, and chalk for nothing. I called freely for what was in the house, which was readily brought me; but when the servants beheld with what cele- [...]ity, (Hocus like) and cleanly conveyance, I had dis­posed of what was before me, they verily believed in one week, I would cause a dearth in the house if I said, wherefore, one of the servants acquainted her Mistress with what she had observed, alleadging farther invectively against me, That I looked like one of those lean Beasts which have nothing given them to feed on, but vertuous and honest Women; that she believed I was the Genius of some hunger-starved wretch, or a shaddow without a substance, (which was very true as to my pocket.) Which I thought it was time to go to bed; I call'd for a candle [Page 151] not mattering whither I called for a Reckoning. But my Landlady did; for said she, Sir, It is our custome to reckon with our Lodgers every night what they have that day, and once a week to discharge their lodging. In truth I did intend to have discharged my self of it before the week had been out. I knew not what at present to answer her, but I was seldom to seek in such cases. I desired her to be content for that night, on the morrow I would have my Trunks brought to her house; making it my Quarters for some time; and that she should find me a boon companion, drinking freely: I believe so, she said, you will be here for some time or may be you will make this your Refuge or Sanctuary for one night; and then you say you will drink freely too, give me leave to tell you, you meant at free cost. Sir, give me my reckoning now, or you shall have no lodging here this night. Do you suspect me Landlady, said I? Respect you, said she, (mistaking the word) for what grounds unless I knew you better? and yet I doubt I shall know you too well. That's a good one indeed, respect a skinfull of Bones; a bag of Chessmen; a bundle of small Faggot-sticks. Why, thou Haberdasher of small wares, dost thou think I will respect thee other ways than for thy moneys; unless I should be so mad as to fall in love with Famine, Come give me my reckoning first, and I shall talk with you in another Dialect; if not, I shall set my Currs at thee (the Tapster and Hostler) that shall wor­ry thy gibb'd Catship. Hearing her say so, and think­ing the passage had been clear, I betook my self to flight, but running throw the Entry, Iran my belly directly against the Tapsters leg, that lay over the bench on which he slept. Iran so siercely, that I shoved his head so violently against the board rais'd at the end of the bench, that I made his neck double; [Page 152] the knock likewise had like to have turn'd that lit­tle brains he had within his head. As for my own part, I thought that his foot had run quite into my belly, and that pulling it out he had left his shooe behind. Before I could rise, I had three or four a­bout me which I thought would have limbed me as boys falling out, do their cocks on Shrove-Tuesday. At that time I would have spared them one limb, provided that would have contented them. But there was no mercy to be had at their hands, espe­cially the shrill note of their Mistresses perpetually moving Tongue, sounding a charge in their ears. Being tyred with me, they would be revenged of my cloaths. They would have stript me (I think stark naked) for my Reckoning, but that one said, Let his cloak suffice; at which, another pulled so furiously at it, that miraculously, without renting that thin trans­parent garment, he got it all but the cape. In this condition I was brought before my new Landlady; I asked her what was to pay? Sirrah (said she) more then thou hast in thy pooket; (2 s. 4 d.) As well as I could speak, I demanded how it came to be so much. Why, (said she) there is for Beef 1 s. for Bread 4 d. six pipes of Tobacco, and three pots of Ale, all this thou hadst in less then half an hour. I would not contradict her, though I knew it was near an hour, I desired her to keep my Cloak for the reckoning, but durst not threaten her for her abuse. Being about Hay-making time, I walked out in to the Fields, resolving to spend that night in contemplation. I had now time to consi­der the damage I sustained in this skirmish: they had carried away all my Ribbands with their fingers, otherwise my cloaths received the least harm. My Nose resembled a black pudding before it is boyled, [Page 153] and my Eyes were fled into my head for fear of such melancholy meat. My cheeks were so puft up with swelling pride, that they were resolved to close up the portals of my Opticks, that they might not be eye witnesses of the height of their ambition. My ears were so maulled with their fleshy Hammers, that I heard a peal within my head for joy, I sup­pose that my eyes had taken up their residence with my brains. At last I felt something about my shoul­ders; at first I thought it had been the weight of the blows, but feeling, found it a part of my friend that still hung about my neck, and would not leave me; which put me in minde of that faithful Cloak that would never leave its Master, although his Master had attempted all ways imaginable to leave it. I must needs say, I loved my Cloak so well, as that it grieved me much to be compelled to part with it. It had been a servant to servants, ever since the setting up of the first billiard-table, whence it de­riv'd its Pedegree. Being deprived of its imploy­ment, and dispossest of its antient habitation, its heart strings were ready to break, and being not able to take a nap for grief, turned changling. The young man I had it of, told me, that from the fifteenth successively, it was descended to him; but they were unworthy to him, that having had his best days, would turn him off in his extream old age. I have him so fresh in my memory, that I cannot but condole his loss.

Cloak, if I may so call thee, though thou art
Thus ravish'd from me, don't abruptly part.
Thou didst not take distaste, a [...] [...]o art gon,
Cause once I call'd thee a meer hauger on.
[Page 154] 'Twas but in jest; for had I now my will,
I'de have thee for to hang about me still.
Now I may tax thee justly, for I see
That new th'art nothing else but levitie;
Nay when I had thee scarcely did I know,
Sometimes whether I had thee on or no.
Thou wert so thin, and light, that some have thought
Thee made of that same web Arachne wrought,
And say th'art useless now, unless men put
Thee like a Cohweb to a finger cut.
I love thee still for better and for worse;
He that divorc'd us let him have my ourse.
Sure'twas a red Nos'd fellow, for I know,
He coming near, it was but touch and go.
But let him keep thee, for thou'lt useless be
To him; thick cloaths suits best with knavery.

Day appearing I got me a stick out of a hedge, and so walked in Querpo into the City. I walked up and down, but met with none of my acquaintance on whom I might fasten on as a bur. Noon approach­ing, my belly began to Chime, I thought all the meat in East-cheap, would not lay that spirit hunger had raised within me. Coming by a bakers shop, I pretended to be ignorant of the City, and as I was asking him the way to such a place, not caring what. I happily secured a penny loaf; which I carried off undiscovered; I thought it not good to cumber my pocket with it, wherefore at two bits I gave it my belly to carry. Surely at that time I had an Ostriches stomack; every thing I put into my mouth, passed through me like Quicksilver. Going a little farther, I came to an Ordinary, where I saw two sitting in a lower Room expecting their meat, I sate me down [Page 155] in the next little box to them. Immediately there was brought to them powdred Beef and Turnips; the young man that served them, came to me, de­manding what I would have, I bid him let me alone and not speak too loud, for those two which were next me, were my very good friends, and I would startle them by and by with my unexpected appear­ance, at which he left me. Finding my opportunity, I slipt my hands through a whole, in the form of an heart, which was in the partition that divided us, and laying hold on the Turnips, I spake aloud, you hoggs are ye at the Roots, I will make one one among you instantly, and so brought out my handful; having devoured them in a trice, I present­ted my self to their view, and sate down with them: Gentlemen, said I, excuse my frollick I am in a merry humour to day. They concluded what I said, to be a truth, and bad me welcome. Nay, said I, my meat will come instantly as a supply; and so it had need, for we made a clear board immediately. See­ing this, they called the boy, taxing him for sloth, that he did not bring my meat. Sir, said he, the Gentleman did not order me to bring any; at which they frownd, and began to charge me with incivil­lity. What are ye angry, said I? To which they re­plied, Affirmatively: if so, I answered, (laying my hand upon a full pot of Ale) I value your anger no more than the drinking this Pot, which I swallowed at two gulps, and so bid them f [...]rewel leaving them to call for another Ordinary.


How he had like to have been transported, being taken up by a Kid-napper, vulgarly called a Spirit.

HAving satisfied my stomach, I walked a­long with much more courage than be­fore, which had been to little purpose, had I not had a stick in my hand: For there was hardly a dog in the street (which I went through) that gave me not his grinning Salutation, and would when my back was turn­ed (knowing else I would never have suffer­ed their humility) have kist my very heels, had not my stick prevented their Snearing Dog­ships mouths. I have wondred often why Doggs will bark so incessantly at the sight of a Tinker, Pedlar, Tom-a-Bedlam, nay, any suspitious fel­low, till I found it my self by experience, that by natural instinct, they know and hate the scent [Page 157] of a Rogue. My course of life appeared so idle (by my lazy stalking and gaping this way and that, sometimes standing still and seriously viewing what deserved not a minutes observance) that the Beadle took hold on me, telling me it was great pitty that such a lusty young man should want im­ployment, and therefore would help me to some: but understanding from him that it must be in Bridewell, my leggs failed me, shewing thereby how unwilling they were to be accessary to the punishment which would be insticted on my back: at length by pitiful looks and many intreaties, I got clear of him, but fell immediately foul with an evil spirit, or a Seducer of Persons to the Indies. Well may he be called a Spirit, since his nature is like the Devils, to seduce any he meets withal, whom he can perswade with allurements, and deluding falfities to his purpose.

After he had asked me many impertinent que­stions, he invited me to drink with him; I ingeni­ously told him I had not a penny, otherwise his mo­tion would be acceptable to me. At which he cast up his eyes to heaven, and laying his hands on his breast, alas poor young man, said he, what pitty it is such a lusty fellow as thou art shouldst want mo­ney; which argues thou art both destitute of friends, and an imployment also. Well, I'le say no more for the present, but before we part I'le study some way or other for thy advantage, which I shall do meetly out of commiseration to the miserableness of thy condition, as also out of respect to thy Father, whom I am confident I [Page 158] have heretofore known, by the resemblance thou bearest him in thy Countenance. I could but smile to my self to hear how this Rascal dissembled; not discovering my thoughts, I willingly went with him to drink, resolving to see what the event would be; after he had paused a while, well, said he, I have found it.

There is a Merchant an intimate friend of mine that wants a Store house-keeper; Now if you can cast accompts ever so indifferently, you shall find oncertainment form him, and 40 l. per annum for encouragement. I told him that I joyfully accept­ed his kind proffer, and that I should refer my self to be disposed of, as he should think fit. With that he imbraced me, saying, within two days I should go aboard the Ship where the Merchant was, who would go along with me to Virginia (where he pretended the Merchants Plantation lay) in the mean time, you shall go along with me to my house where you shall be, and shall recieve from me what your necessities require. I had heard before, how several had been served in this kind, so that being forewarned, I was fore armed, premonitus, premu [...] He carried me away presently to Wapping, and housed me. To the intent he might oblige me to be his, he behaved himself extraordinary friendly, and that he might let me see that he made no distinction bdtween me, and his other friends, he brought me in­to a room where half a score were all taking tobacco the place was so narrow wherein they were, that they had no more space left, than what was for the standing of a small table. Methought their mouths [Page 159] together resembled a stack of Chimneys, which in a manner totally obscured by the smoak that came from them; for there was little discernable but smoak, and the glowing coals of their pipes. Cer­tainly the smell of this room would have out-done Assae Foetida, or burned Feathers in the Cure of La­dies troubled with the Fits of the Mother. As to the sight, the place resembled Hall, so did it likewise as to itsscent, compounded of the perfume of stink­ing Tobacco and Tarpawlin. So that I concluded the resemblance most proper.

In Hell damn'd souls, fire, smoak, and stink appear.
Then this is Hell, for those four things were here.

I was seated between two, lest I should give them the slip.

After I had been there a while, the Cloud of their smoak was somewhat dissipated, so that I could discorn two more in my own condemnati­on: but alas poor sheep, they ne're considered where they were going, it was enough for them to be freed from a seven years Apprenticeship, un­der the Tyranny of a rigid Master (as they judged it, coming but lately from sucking the breasts of a too indulgent mother) and not weighing (as I know not how they should) the slavery they must under­go for five years, amongst Brutes in foreign parts, little inferior to that which they suffer who are Gally-slaves. There was little discourse amongst them, but the pleasantness of the soyl of that Con­tinent we were designed for, (out of a design to make us swallow their gilded Pills of Ruine) and [Page 160] the temperature of the air, the plenty of Fowl and Fish of all sorts, the little labour that is per­formed or expected having so little trouble in it, that it rather may be accounted a pastime than any thing of punishment; and then to sweeten us on farther, and they insisted on the pliant loving na­tures of the women there; all which thy used as baits to catch us silly Gudgeons. As for my own part I said but little but what tended to the appro­bation of what they said.

For all my aim (as I related before) was to un­derstand the drift of this Rogue, and then endea­vour to get what I could from him. By this time supper was talkt of by our Masters; so choice they were in their dyet, that they could not agree what to have. At last one stands up and proclaiming si­lence, said, that a Dish of Bruiss was the most Princely dish of any. And to tell you truly, by his looks, I thought he had been begot just as his Mo­ther had put a Sop into her mouth, of that Sto­mach murdring stuff, the grease running about her chops, which pleasing her fancy, struck so deep an impression in the imagination upon her concep­tion, that the face of that thing she brought forth, lookt much like a Toast soaking in a Cooks Drip­ping-pan.

That he might perswade the rest, this way to in­dugle his appetite, he added farther, that it was a Dish would not be expensive, and soon ready. My Landlady to back him on, said, she had some skimmings of the pot, which she had been collect­ing these three moneths, some whereof the que­stioned [Page 161] not but to procure, and let her alone to or­der it so, that we should say we never had a better Dish aboard in our lives.

Another contradicting him, preferred a bowl of Pease pottage before the cheifest meat what­ever, that he could never look into the pot and see them boyl round, but that his heart leapt within him, and kept time with their motion. My ma­ster (that was their Senior) scorned to be con­trolled in his fancy; and therefore positively de­termined to have some Poor John, swearing that the Great Mogul did eat nothing else thrice a week, and that Atabalipa (that Indian King whom Cortex conquered) caused a sacrifice every day to be made of them to his Idol, commanding them to be laid on an Altar made of some coals of fire, then the fat of some beast rubbed thereon, (because they had no Butter) and so presented to the Idol, afterwards to the King which he did eat with inexpressible satisfaction. Order was given that this delicate fare should be provided. Though they did beat it most unmercifully, yet it would not yeild, resolving rather to be broken in peices, then to become unlike it's Masters, or shew any thing of a tendure nature. There was one al otted me for my proportion, which I used as they had done, laying it on the coals a little while, and so committing it to my teeths disposal. I never found till now that my teeth could be thus shamefully bastled. They made several assaults upon it to little purpose. My teeth at length s [...]aring a total conquest, desperately and inragedly seiz'd on the thinnest and weakest part and holding it as fast as a Vice, at last in the conflict overpowred one small steak, but not being able to [Page 162] stay the swift backward motion of my head, the hinder part thereof (the feat of Memory) flew so violently against the wall, that I not only in­stantly forgot what I was doing where I was, but the pain then I sustained by the knock: Strong-wa­ter they poured down my Throat to revive me, but there was nothing did sooner fetch me then a small fleak of the poor John, which sticking in my Throat had well nigh choaked me, which caused a strug­ling' and summoned the spirits together to oppose what might be destructive to Nature.

Now did I really imagine my self at Sea, where, for want of provision, I was forced to feed on Cor­dage, or the Ship sides. Had this poor creature been ground small, I might have made as hard a shift to have swallowed it, as those Sea-men did the Saw-dust of deal boards coming from Nor­way, and destitute of other food. That night I slept but little, neither could I, had I swallowed Opium for that purpose, for the innumerable quan­tity of Buggs (as some call them) that had in­vaded my body; being weary (as I suppose) of inhabiting any longer the dry mansion of that old rotten Bed-stead on which I lay. In the morning I found the ruins of a Looking glass in the window, which I took up to discover what knots or nodes those were I felt orespreading my face. The sigh: whereof struck into me a Pannick fear, verily believing I had been infected with the spotted leaver.

I began to curse the bed and sheets, imagining the Contagion proceeded from them; to be satis­fied herein, I drew aside at the beds feet, the Cur­tain (that is to say part of Tilt a) pinned there to [Page 163] keep the wind off, which otherwise would have fanned us to death, coming in so furiously through the Port cullise of the window: (for glass there was little) At first sight I questioned whether I was not lately risen from the Dead, since there was visibly before my Eyes, the black Cloath that cove­red my Herse. Had not we gone to bed without a Candle over night, I should sooner have chosen a bulk than this bed to lye on. It might have been a good Quaere, whether those sheets had ever been washt since their weaving and continually since im­ployed by Whores and Bawds, successively to sweat out their Contagious humours, and matter proceed­ing from their ulcerated Bodies.

My pretended friend perceiving my amazement, bid me be of good courage, for those marks in my face, were only occasioned by a stinking sort of Ver­mine, who seldome meddle with such as are accu­stomed to them, only giving their welcome to such as were New-comers. I took these sufferings as pa­tiently as I could; but thinking it was an ill com­ing for me to either of them; and it should not be long before I would take my farewell. We had scarce breakfasted, before a Messenger came into the room, and with much seeming respect preten­ded to deliver a Message to my friend. I ghessed it was to inform him how the Tyde served, and so it proved. My friend told me we must be gone in­stantly, for the Merchant attended my coming Wherefore we presently went down to the stairs to take Boat, by the way he told me, that he would go with me in the same Ship, and take as much care of me as he would of his own Son, whom I under­stood afterwards he had too sure, [...]bove a year since [Page 164] stoln away, and sold him as a slave. One while thought to have ran for it, another time I thought to have cryed out, a Spirit, a Spirit, but that the thought of the Water-men, being his Accomplices deterred me. I was at my wits end, not knowing what to do. Coming into the Boat, being now de­stitute of all relief, I asked him according to his former pretence, whether he resolved to go to se [...] with me? yes, replyed he. I question, Sir, (said I) whether you ever told a truth in your life, but I am resolved you shall now, and with that I flung my self with him over-board. Those which were in the Boat, immediately endeavoured at our rising to pull us up into the Boat: But I clapping my hands unfortunately on the side of the Boat on which they within leaned I overturned it upon me. The first thought this accident produced in me, was that a Whale had swallowed me, and that I was in the dark concave of his belly: or that Death had arrested me; and claped me up a close prisoner for my sins, in Hell's deep and black Dungeon. But by the industry and expedition of many Water-men, eye witness of this passage, (which had like to haved proved Tragieal) the Boat was recovered, and I the first person taken up and set on shore.

Multorum manibus grande levatur onns.

Many hands make light work. I neer staid to see what was become of my good Friend, (a Pox take him but with what speed I could, attended with a great number of little hooping Onlets (I mean the young try of Scullars) I secured my self from this Anthropopola, or Man seller: A charitable Woman [Page 165] seeing me in this pickle, (for it was Salt water, which my Sous'd guts, may testifie if they please, in their grumbling manner of speaking) told me that she would entertain me till to morrow. This was the greatest Cordial could be applied to this gross, with­out many Complements, I thanked her for her great love, Now because she saw what condition I was in, she immediately put me to bed


How under the pretence of begging, he stole Cloak. and with that went to a Gaiming Ord [...] ­nary; what a bold Adventure he made there and the success thereof.

PArting from this good Woman, I began to think that the Art of stealing might be reckoned amongst the liberal Sciences; for though it may be called an Handicraft, yet it cannot be looked on as Mechanick. This is the Art, the right Practice whereof is the true Philosopher's stone, the Elix [...] of life; with which many turn Poyson into Medicine, coarse cloath into cloath of Gold, hun­ger into fulness and satiety, convert rags into Sa­tins; and all this done by a quick wit, and slight of hand.

The Antiquity and Dignity of this Profession, I shall relate elsewhere, and shall proceed on in my Adventures.

The Evening or Twi-light being come, I chanced to look in at a door, and perceiving none at hand I went in boldly, resolving if I met any to beg an Almes of them, having before premeditated what I had to say, viz, that I was a poor distressed young Gentleman, my Father, Mother, nay, all my Relati­ons I knew, being dead, and that not knowing what [Page 167] to do, was forced (under the Covert of the night) to beseech the assistance of charitable minded per­sons. But in my way found none that should occa­sion my using this form.

I found in the Parlor a good Camlet cloak, which I made bold to put on, and so very gravely walked out of the house; but coming to the door, you must think there was Wild-fire in my breech, that hastned me out of the street. Being gotten a Bow shot off, I thought my self indifferent secure, so that I slackned my pace, but could not (if my Life lay on it) forbear looking this way, that way some­times over one shoulder, sometimes over the other, thinking of what dangerous consequence this might prove; I resolved to walk more confidently, and not let my eyes discover any thing of fear, by reason of guilt. This loose garment had so of a sudden Metamorphosed those thoughts I had of my self but a little before, my eye being continually on my Cloak, I could not conceit my self less then the best of the young Templers, that walk the Streets to show themselves: coming into Bell-yard, I observed several Gallants go into an House, and others to come out, which put me to the curiosity of enquiring, what, or whose House it was: Who told me it was a Gaming Ordinary; nay, then (thought I) it is as free for me to enter as others and so went in, I looked on a while, but my fingers itched to be at it. Why, thought I, have I not ad­ventured a Gaol, a Whipping, or an Hanging, and shall I now fear a kicking, a pumping, or a Bog-house. These considerations made me resolutely take up the Box, and I threw a Main, which was 7, a great deal of money was presently set me, I knew it was [Page 168] but to little purpose to baulk them, so that confi­dently I threw at all, which I nicked with eleven, and so continued holding seven hands together. Perceiving I had got a considerable quantity of mo­ney, and fearing I might loose that which I had so boldly adventured for, I thanked my propitious Stars and the Gentlemen, who had rather lose their money than suspect any that hath the Garb of one well Extracted, and so bad them good night. A priviledge too many Sharking ubiquetarians use without interrup­tion, being most commonly in fee with the Waiters and Boxskeepers, who will be sure to speak in the behalf of such confident Cheats, if they lose, pre­tending great knowledg of them, that they are men of repute, civil and responcible, which fre­quently so prevails upon a Mouth, that he hath not a word to say more, Questionless Ordinaries were first impartially founded, interdicting all play but which was upon the Square; but since, by the con­nivance of the Box-keepers, when the Table grows thin, and few at it, let the stranger beware, for the Box-keeper shall walk off, pretending some speedy dispatch of a business concerning the House of Office &c. whilst your Antagonist shall put the change upon you, or make use of his own Jack in-a-box, and then had you 500 1. (would you let like a Gam [...]ster) he will have it to a penny in a short while: with whom the Waiter goes snips. If at any time such they know want an High flyer &c. they know how, and when to supply him.

Full fraught with this good fortune, and so la­den I was ready to sink, I resolved to moor my Vessel in the next Harbour. The Landlord whence [Page 169] I came, was very loath to entertain me, his lodger having served him a scurvy trick the night before conveighing out of the Window the Furniture of a room that cost him 40 1. besides a great silver Tanker, which the Gentleman would have filled with stale beer and Sugar, to stand by his bed side all night pretending it was his custome. But I de­siring him to lay up a parcel of money for me till the next morning, quite put out the eye of his Jealousie. I shewed my self that night very exceed­ing noble, concealing my success at play, that he might conclude the greatness of my expence, pro­ceeded from the nobleness of my nature, having a good estate to back it. I was conducted to bed with many Ceremonies, and abundance of respect; Sleep I could not, for thinking how to dispose of my self,

I had experimented the various exigences and extremities an unsetled condition is accompanied withall, and knowing how securely I could purloin from my Master, if I would moderate my theft; I concluded to supplicate my Master, by a Letter for my reception into his service not forgetting my Mistresses quondam kindnesses. If my Master should refuse to re entertain me, I had by me what might supply my necessities; till I had re-conside­red how to improve my stock, or bestow my self. Not to delay time the next day I wrote him this Letter.

HAving seriously considered the greatness of my folly in running from so good a Master, (whom I may more rightly intitle Father) with tears I beg mercy from Heaven, and forgiveness from you. Mitigate my offence by revolving in your mind the fewness of my years, which makes me (as it doth most others) prone to rambling fan­cies, look then favourably on my long absence from you, as a meer exiliency; a youthful elapse, which maturity of age may rectifie. If you can forgive my follies, I will study to forget them, and daily endeavour the propagation of my fedility in the remainder of my time. By the Bea­rer hereof you may signifie your pleasure.

Sir, I am
Your cordially penitent Servant, &c.

With much joy my Master read this Letter, and hastened the Bearer away to bring me to him. Ha­ving converted my silver into Gold, sowing it in my Collar and Wastband, and putting my self into a Garb convenient for his sight, I went to him.


His Master sheweth him more kindness than for­merly; the ill requital he made him, by cuck­olding him, an accident that fell out thereup­on, which produced two remarkable stories, de­duced from the strength of Imagination.

MY Master upon my reception, told me he had freely forgiven me, and if that I would hence­forward endeavour the prosecution of a more re­gular course of life, he would forget too my past follies, I promised him more then the strickest Ze­lot ever yet did, and beged him pardon aforehand, if he found a defect in performance.

As my expressions gave my Master much content so my return (I perceived by my Mistresses eyes) gave her the greatest satisfaction. My Master be­gan to doat on me again, seeing I daily trebled my deligence, and so active I was in every thing, that concerned his affairs, that it was hard for any to anticipate me in my intention.

This gained so much upon his facile good Na­ture, that I had liberty to wear my Hat, and sit at Table with him, neither would be command me [Page 172] any thing servile. I had (as formerly) the same sollicitations from my Brother Snippers, but fearing least one time or another I might be snapt by the timerous nature of some, who, if once taxt, will confess, not only as to themselves, but like­wise detect the whole knot of a Brother-hood; I re­solved to have no more to do with them, but would snip securely by my self, knowing, that in any secret design, if many are concerned, their bu­siness cannot be long kept private. Wherein by the way, I cannot but commend the craft and policy though I absolutely disclaim the actions of modern Padders, whose providence instructed them to rob singly, by which means their booty came to them intire without distribution, or if apprehended (as it was very rare) they knew how to make a better plea for themselves in a Court of Judicature. I now kept close to my business, not barbouring the least temptation to any extravagancy, & had sequestred my self from what might render me publickly noto­rious, and only studied by what means I might raise my Fortune intending to build my future estate upon the ruine of other men; having nothing of mine own but my late purchase at play, my only way was (as I thought by some's success therein) to make the world believe I was really reformed, and so create to my self a credit, whereas I was only a Divil converted to an Angel of light, or a VVoolf in Sheeps cloaths. Now did I begin to cant religiously, and not omit one Sabbath wherein I did not take Sermon Notes, judging this religious cloak to be the best expedient to screw my self farther into my Mistresses favour, who doted on Morning Ex [...]rcises, and monethly Fasts, If my Master [Page 173] had forgot to the duty of the day, I would with much respect put him in mind of the neglect, desi­ring that I might repeat what had been delivered. As they looked upon my conversion more miracu­lous then that of S. Paul, so they gave me the great­est incouragement, least like Weak women, I might prove a back-slider. There were few private meet­ings my Mistress heard of, but, by the leave of my Master, I must conduct her to them, which were as many portents of our private meetings afterwards, where Venus should appoint.

I am sorry that I am so uncharitable as to say that the zeal of her Spirit was not so hot as that of her flesh, every day I had some remark of her love, w [...] I received with much submissive respects, pretend­ing I understood not her meaing, which added but fewel to the blazing flame of love within her. [...] could not be ignoront, that since she began to court me, she would prosecute it to the end. Her court­ship me-thought was very preposterous, she might have first received the charge from me, and by that means she would have found me prepared, whereas otherwise she might have been deceived in her ex­pectation.

My Mistriss gave me so many opportunities, and signified her desires by so many tokens and dumb expressions, that I began to condemn my fears, which rendred me unworthy of her favours The besieger deserves not the honour of possess­ing that City, whose Gates are freely opened to him, yet dares not enter. Whilst I was thus ru­minating, my Mistriss came to the Counting house were I was writing, and leaning upon my shoul­der, asked me what I was doing, I told her no­thing; [Page 174] but writing. Nothing, I believe said she, nor never will do any thing, but draw up blanks, and so abruptly left me. She knew the quickness of my apprehension, and so left the interpretation hereof to my own construction.

Not long after, (thinking her words had left a deep inpression, (as they did) and withall conclu­ding I would give her the sence of them, when I had an opportunity; She informs my Master that she had a g [...]eat desire to visit a Gentlewoman, she had not seen a long time, and requested that her man Thomas (for that was my name) might wait on her, to which he assented. Though I l [...]d her, yet I wondered were she led me, through one street into another till we arrived at the water-side. She bid me call for a pair of Oars, which I accordingly did. The Water-men were very inquisitive accor­ding to their custome, to know whither we inten­ded. Well, well, said she, put off, and then it will be time enough for you to understand. Said she, row us up to Fox hall. I for my part was somewhat amazed, yet I partly guessed at what the drove at. I kept at a distance, shewing her the respect of a servant, which she taking notice of, laughed, saying, come Cuz, why dost not sit neerer? to which I replyed as familiarly (for by this time I had much improved the stock of my confidence) I were best to sit a little neerer you, since I shall be the best expedient to ballance the Boat even, or trim it, for you are but light on your sides. This expression I doubt netled her, for pre­sently thereupon she shot a peircing dart from her eye (which I fancied to have penetrated my very soul) how now Cuz, said she, I thought you had a [Page 175] better opinion of me, I understand the Riddle, Your expression may be very dark to some, howe­ver I have too much light in it. I would have made an Apology for my self, but that she hindred me by whispering me in the ear, to this effect that if she was light there was no other cause but my self, and that if I abused her love any longer, she would sit the heavier on my skirts. Landing, we went streight to spring-Garden, by the way she told me, I must lay aside all formallity, and for the better carrying on the design we went upon, she would have me as afore assume the title of Cuz. We were conducted into an obscure bower, I suppose one of Loves Chappels of ease, where, without a Clew, it would be hard for any to find us. There was not any thing wanting that might delight the Appe­tite, which with much freedom we enjoyed to­gether.

Now, said my Mistress, I shall take off the veil of my modesty, and discover to thee the very naked secrets of my heart. The first time that ever I saw thee, I had more then a common respect to thee, and there was not a time since, wherein I had the sight of thee, but that it added new fewel to the flame of my affection: I used all possible means to smother or blast it in the bud, but could not: I summoned my reason to confute my passion, and notwithstanding, I alledged that there was a dispro­portion in our age, and unsuitableness as to our condition; and lastly how great a stain it would be to my religious profession; yet Love got the Victo­ry over these, and would have been too strong for ten times as many; the rest she supplyed with kisses, which were infinite.

[Page 176] Having gained a little breath, and she again ha­ving lent me the use and disposal of my own mouth I returned to this her am [...]r us Oration something suitable to it by way of retalliation; Protesting with invocations, that since she had so compleated my happiness by her love, I would perish before I would be guilty of the least abuse therein.

That had it not been for the sense of my unwor­thiness, and fear of hazarding her love, and so gain­ed her displeasure, no other difficulty should have deterred me from declaring, and discovering what she had prevented me in, adding, that where the quintessence of all loves contracted into one body it could not equallize mine. Come, said she, let us leave of talking in such idle phrases, let future constancy make apparent the reallity of our affecti­ons, and let us not loose any time wherein we may mutually enjoy each other. It is but a folly for me now to mince the matter, or by my coldness endea­vour to recongeal that water where the ice, is too too visibly broken and thaw'd. Yet let not your pru­dence be questioned, or reason forfeited, in making any unhandsome advantage of this my freedom. But above all, blast not my reputation by the unsavory breath of any ostentations, boasting of a Gentlewomans favours, nor let not my love cause any slighting or disrespect in you to your Master, neither let it so puffe you up with pride, as to contem your fellow servants. In company, shew much more reverence to me than formerly. In private, when none sees us but our selves, be as samiliar and free as actions can de­monstrate. Be constant to me alone for true love will not admit of plurality. Be secret and silent, [Page 177] and follow not the common practise of vain-glo­rious Fools, that in requital of those favours they have received in private of some credulous Female, will make their braggs of them in publick. As if it were not enough for them to rob them of their Chastities, but must likewise murther their Repu­tations. Have a special care you slight me not, (as some squeamish or curious Stomacks use feeding too long on one sort of Food, though never so de­licious) for a Womans love despised, will turn into extreme hatred, and will be ever restless till malice and revenge have consulted with Inventi­on, how to be more then even with the slighting Injurer. She propounded more Articles, which I have forgot now, but I remember I sealed them without a witness. We made an end of our busi­ness for that time, with much expedition, to the intent the tediousness of our staying might not be suspected by the ignorant Cuckold at home: I have reason now for so calling him.

Coming home, I applyed my self to the busi­ness of the Shop as before, enjoyning my eyes a severe penance, not so much as to look towards that Object they so dearly loved. According to my usual time I went to Bed, but sleep I could not, for thinking on what I had done. About one a clock I was much startled, to bear something come into my chamber; but before I could give my eyes the liberty for a discovery, my Mistress had gotten within the sheets, and not daring to speak, because my Master lay in the next room, most common­ly by himself, and her chamber was the next to that, (and in a Trundle-bed underneath my Mi­stress's bed lay the Maid.) Neer upon day-break [Page 178] my sweet Bed-fellow left me, at an unhappy time, for then was my Master awake, which might have ruined us both, which had so faln out, had he been resolute or couragious; but on the contrary, ex­ceeding timerous, but more especially, childishly afraid of the supposed walking of spirits: For hear­ing the boards crack twice or thrice, with the weight of her body; besides, by the help of Star­light, perceiving something to move all in white, he shrunk underneath the cloaths, not daring to put out his head; now did his imagination work as strongly almost as his Breech, suggesting strange and ridiculous things to his fancy. But I shall give him leave to tell his own story. A little after it was day, being almost stifled for want of fresh Air, & choak'd with the stink that was in the Bed, he boldly and valiantly put his head out of the coverlid, & after he had thrice exorcis'd the Devil, or the suppo­sed evil Spirit, with avoid Satan, repeating as often that Scriptural Sentence, Resist the Divil and he will flye from thee: He called out as loud as he might for me to come to him. I leapt out of Bed, and ran to him, asking him what was the matter: O Thomas, said he, light a Candle quickly; I running in haste to light the Candle, fell (by mistaking the first step) down the stairs, which made a terrible noise: my Master hearing me, cry'd out, (saying, O God, what will become of me?) thinking the Devil indeed had mistook me for himself, and that he was horsing me on his back to carry me away; with that he fell to prayer so servently loud, that up­starts the Mistress, and the Maids, running to know what was the matter: fear had so possessed him, that he could not be perswaded, but that they were some of the Devilish crew.

[Page 179] At first they thought him to be fallen mad; but finding out the cause of this distraction, with much ado my Mistress made him sensible of his mistake. Being fully assured, that they were not (yet) dam­ned Spirits, he relates what he had seen, in this manner: My Mistress afterwards told me, that had it not been for laughing, which so busied her, that her sense of smelling for that time had left her, she could never have endured to hear him out, for that notorious stink, which came from the Bed, when he stirred ever so little.

I wonder'd, said he, that contrary to my usual custom, I awak'd about four a clock, whereas I used to sleep soundly, thou knowest till eight. I hearkned, at first I perceived onely the boards to crack, but presently after I heard chains rattle, and the stools flung about the room, the bed, and I in it, danced up and down, as if a Scotch Bag-pipe had been plaid upon by a Northern Witcb, and the Devil the while had Danced with me, and the Bed a Morrice, (supplying the Bellows with wind.) Sometimes they pull'd me out of Bed, and laid me on the cold floor, and then tost me in again like a Dog in a Blanket.

Hearing no noise, I attempted to peep out; but scarcely had mine eyes recovered the top of the Bed-cloths, when I saw standing by me, a compo­sition of meer bones, with a shrowd thrown over his shoulders, like an Irish Brachin, or a Scotch Pladd, with a light Taper in one hand (I knew not what use he could make of it, for there were onely holes in his head instead of eyes) and an Hour-glass in the other: he grinn'd at me with his teeth, (for he had no lips) and shaking his chains left me, [Page 180] which fight so terrified me, that I had like to have shot out (like a Pudding in a Bag) all that was with­in me. My Mistress had like to have broken out into extreme laughter, had not the consideration of danger (that might have ensued thereon) hin­dred her.

After this, it was a long time before he would be perswaded to lie in that Chamber again, which made me curse his strong conceit, for by this means he would lie with his wife, which interrup­ted our sweet venereal pastime. As for my part, I believed he would never have return'd to his own chamber again, for he trembled when he past through it in the day time; and if alone, he would so thunder down the stairs (fear giving wings to his feet) as if (Vulcan-like) he had been sent by Jupiter head-long in a message.

Another accident (hapning not long after) cur'd him in part of his ridiculous belief, grounded on nothing else but fancy: In the Sellar, on a certain beam that went cross, there were great quantity of Tenter-hooks placed there, some to hang meat on, others of a smaller sort for other uses. Our Cat being somewhat ravenous, was following the scent, and had gotten upon the Beam; her foremost feet slipping, she was strangely caught by the tail, and not able to recover her self: Being terribly pained by the hook, she made a most hideous noise, which made our Dog fall a howling. This stranged in first approached my Masters ears, who awaking my Mistress, asked her now whether she would believe her own ears. At first she confest to me, she knew not what to think, her conscience being yet tender (which having no long time accu­stomed [Page 181] her self to sin, was not hardned and sear'd up) put her in mind of what she had lately com­mitted, so that she had like to have concluded that it was Satan was sent to buffet her: But she having a martial spirit, and not easily daunted, she hearkned further, and then judg'd that Thieves had broken into the house.

My Master all this while was breathing his last at both ends, whilest my Mistress leap'd out of Bed, and came to my Chamber door, bidding me in all haste to rise, for there were Thieves in the house. I con­fess I had no great mind to be kill'd, and therefore I was in no great haste to rise, sometimes button­ing my Doublet, and anon unbuttoning it again: perceiving that I delaid, she came again, taxing me with Cowardise, and meanness of Spirit, which put new life into me, making me resolve to ad­venture my life, rather then hazard the loss of her good opinion.

Finding my Mistress in her smock, I thought it a shame for me to have any cloaths on: and so naked as I was, we march'd on. Coming to the Stairhead, my fancy troubled me a little too, for the noise had so amaz'd me, that I would fain have my Mistress to go first: she could not forbeare laughing, to observe how complemental and cere­monious at that time I was. Having scattered my fear by resolution, How do I abuse my self, said I, and with that boldly went on.

By this time a light was produced, and then those Bug-bear thoughts which darkness posses­seth the fancy withal, began to vanish. There was not a hole big enough to contain a man, but what I prob'd. Descending the Cellar-stairs, I there [Page 182] plainly saw the Original cause of our fear and distraction, hanging by the tail. I called my Mi­stress to the sight, and now the Maids too would be Spectators, understanding the danger to be o­verpast.

Well, the general vote was, that the Cat should be carried up stairs to our Master, and shew him the wound in his Tail, for evidence to prove his guilt in being seduced by fancy.

He hearing some come up, thought we were all destroyed, and that they were coming up to dis­patch him too: Wherefore he cryed out, Save my Life, and take all I have. His wife (not to encrease his perplexity) bid him quiet himself, there was no harm, nor any like to be done; and withal so con­vinced him of his folly, both past and present, that he had not a word to say in his own defence; he enjoyning us all silence, we were dimiss'd.

The next night, to shew how much he was alte­red from his former temper and belief, he did lye in his Chamber aforesaid, supposedly haunted, and that same night with much joy, my Mistress and I renewed our pleasures.


How his Mistress supplyed him with money, even to superfluity; what ways he had to spend it. He is tempted to destruction by Correctors (alias) Clip­pers and Coyners (alias) Matter-men.

I Found my Estate to encrease abundantly, for I was half sharer my self with my Master; my Mistress she put in for one too, which I had like­wise; so that the good man received but the fourth. I had been (since my return) very sparing in my expence, having laid up my money securely: But now finding out another rich Mine, I thought I should be too rich, unless I contrived ways to draw out as well as put in.

In the first place, I thought good to buy a brace of good Geldings, for by that means I could meet whom I pleas'd, though a dozen or sixteen miles distance, and so by the quickness of return come home undiscovered: If occasion should serve, they might very well serve for the High Pad. These I bought, and where they stood, I had four or five several suits, either to Ride withal, (using variety that I might pass in [...]ognito) or to wear when I did intend to appear splendidly to peculiar friends; and then the Prodigal himself did not spend his mony more profusely than my self.

[Page 184] I judge it unnecessary to relate how, and in what manner I disburst great sums, since there are few that are addicted to pleasure, and have mo­ney, but know how to lay it ou [...] to the satisfacti­on of their desires, that is, to please all their senses. My Mistress seldom saw a piece of Gold in her Husbands hands, or some large and great piece of Silver, but she would be begging it of him, for no other intent but to give it me; which she took delight in, withal, knowing that frequent presents very much ingage the af­fection.

My Master seldom denyed her, (for, like a Cuckold he doted on his Wife) but if he did, she would take pet, and would not eat, have the fore­head bound down with a cross-cloath, look piti­fully, and the like. If he askt her what she ailed, or what she was troubled at, she would say, at no­thing more then your unkindness, and then weep bitterly: for, like a right Hyp crite, she had tears at command. The Dotard would melt too, sometimes the great Calf crying and sobbing, like a Childe that hath lost his Bread and Butter: Then to make his attonement, he must procure her two or three pieces; if he hath them not in the house, otherwise it shall cost him as much more wealth on the Doctor, of whom she would often pretend to take Physick, but it should be onely rich Cordi­als, strengthing [...]ellies, with such like Provocations to Venery.

For my own part, I was not idle in the mean time, laying up like the careful Bee for Winter. We returned great sums of money every day, which an acquaintance of mine knew very well; [Page 185] and he being daily in the company of a fellow, who was both Coyner and Clipper, it seems a de­cayed Goldsmith, undone by the study of Chymi­stry, but now lived by some particular part thereof, as the transmutation of Metal, or so forth.

This man he informs that he know a young Casheer, that he thought he could work to their purpose, who was very well qualified for it. An appointed time for meeting was agreed upon be­tween them, which was made known to me; I thought of no other design but to be merry. Being met, we drank stiffly, but ever and anon the stran­ger would beseech me to favour him with my fu­ture acquaintance, that he should think himself very happy, if I would admit him into a familiari­ty. I could do no less then promise so much, and so laying aside ceremonies, we entered into a very familiar discourse. But for that night there was nothing propounded, neither was it thought con­venient: several times we met, (not without great expence) so that now we were grown intimately acquainted. Our discourse hapned on a time to be about Chymistry, I was forced to be mute, as not understanding any thing thereof; yet I could not but admire, to hear any new friend rela [...]e what ad­mirable Rarities he could perform in that mysteri­ous Art, and thereupon shew'd me a piece of Gold, demanding my opinion, what I thought of it? I told him I could judge no less, but that it was what it seem'd to be; he smilingly reply'd, No won­der that this should deceive you, since it will do the like to the most critical Goldsmith about the Town: No doubt, said he, you have heard of the [Page 186] Philosopher's Stone, and what vast Estates some have mis-spent in the search thereof, how ineffectu­al the labour of such hath been, the miserableness of their condition makes apparent. Others & not a few have pretended they have obtain'd the ma­stery thereof, for no other intent then to delude some wealthy credulous person, making some ri­diculous experiments to confirm his belief, and at last extract him to the very lees of his Estate. I shall not deludingly pretend to any thing, but what I will perform, which your own eyes shall attest. Hereupon, he shew'd me various pieces, both Gold and Silver, which are the effects (said he) of my own labour and pains, imployed in an Art I have found out by the curious search and industry of my brain, with which I can convert Copper into that Metal which current money is composed of, either of which, according to the Tincture I shall give it. And to be plainer with you, out of that great love I have born ever since I first saw you, & that my actions shall make it apparent, see here this piece, according to the term of Art given, it is called a black Dog, with Queen Elizabeths Head thereon, which is only Pewter double washed. This here is a George plateroon, being all copper within, and only a thin Plate about it. Another called Compositum, which is a mixt Metal, and will both touch and cut, but will not indure the fiery test. He gave me the sight likewise of pieces of eight, half pieces, and quarter pieces. Then again (said he) our own Coyn we usually call English Cloth, the other Spanish; the prices whereof are several, ac­cording to their goodness and fineness: The best you may have for 15 sh. the yard, i. e. five shillings [Page 187] in the pound profit; the worser for eight, ten or more.

Now to the intent that I may compleat your happiness here, if enjoyment of Wealth will do it, I would advise you to take some of every sort, and so mingle it with the rest of your good cash, pro­portionably to the sum. Let me add one thing more, if any large money comes to your hand, lay it aside for me, which after I have corrected a little (for broad brimd Hats are not now in fashion) I will return it, allowing you 18 pence per pound interest.

I gave him all this while great attention, without the least interruption; but he here making a stop, I thought he expected my replication; which was to this effect, That I thankt him cordially for his respects, which I beleeved were real, having used that freedom with me, that I did not in the least question the greatness of profit that would re­dound by the acceptance of his proffer; but it be­ing a matter of the greatest consequence & highest concern, I desired I might have some time for con­sideration This answer made him look blank, fea­ring least I made a demur only to betray him, so that I saw by his countenance, he wisht he had been more sparing in his expressions. I must needs consess, I trembled all the time I was in his com­pany, wherefore I made all the hast I could to be gone, giving him to understand, that, after serious consultation with my self, I would send him an answer by my friend, and so I took my leave of him. The whole night following I spent in weigh­ing his Proposals in the ballance of profit and pre­servation: I quickly sound that Life's preserva­tion [Page 188] outweigh'd all other interest, and that ho­nour, riches, and pleasure, would avail little to that man that was riding Post to the Gallows. Be­sides, how could I expect to escape better then o­thers, who were frequently made wretched spe­ctacles of rash imprudence and folly, who, having forfeired the Kings high and just displeasure, did usually betray their own selves to the Severity of the Law in that case; which hath as little Com­miseration on such as on the worst of Offendors? Though I had committed several things that might come within the verge of an Indictment, yet I always shunned such actions as bore the inscrip­tion in their front, Memento mori. To be as good as my promise, I sent my Chimist these consequent Lines.

You seemingly do proffer fair, but know,
Hanging attends such kindnesses you show.
The hope of profit tempts me; loss of life
O'repowrs perswasious, and so ends the strife.
Had I two Lives, my deeds should make it known,
How little I would care to hazard one;
But having solely one, I will not try
Its loss; as yet I have no mind to die.
Should we proceed then, and be taken in it;
Death and damnation seize us in a minute.
Cease then, and let your fancy's suit with mine.
We'l plot no Treason, but to get good Wine:
That being bad, let each man's face declare
Th' Indian Mines are not so rich as ours are.
If we want Coyu, the best way, I suppose,
Is to transmute the Metal of my Nose.

[Page 189] I never receiv'd any answer to what I wrote, nei­ther did I ever see my new friend after, which was according to my own desire, but I heard of his sad destiny, whereof I should have participated, had I listed my self in that Mettle-simulating Regiment. Some found out operating in the obscurest thic­kets of woods; others were detected clipping in dark Concaves on Black-heath, and their Ring­leader discovered in his own house, in a deep Vault befitting his purpose; who, though he had timely notice to remove his tools, yet, by his Sei­zers they were found hid in a Chimny-mantletree, hollowed to that intent, with a shutter at the end. After the dismal catastrophe of these Hazardous fools, I had like to have been put to a great trou­ble, though not in the least guilty of the accusa­tion: and thus it was; an indigent Hanger-on, having taken notice of my being once or twice in the company of the chief of those lately execu­ted, came to me one Evening, and requested some private discourse: I consented: being together (lay­ing aside several Formalities that ushered in his discourse) he told me, that I was taken notice of as a notorious disperser of Counterfeit money, and that there was a warrant out to apprehend me, &, that out of pure love to a man so young and fair­ly promising as my self, be thought himself bound in duty to preserve if he could, by giving timely notice to shun that, which, if neglected might prove destructive. I immediately saw the Rogue peep through the Vizard of di [...]malation, and therefore instead of giving thanks I gave him a blow over both the eyes, to the intent he should [Page 190] not see how I would beat him, which was in such a manner, that he could not see himself for three days afterward. This fellow I understood to be a Dunner for the Prisoners of their confederates a­broad; and if they would not continually let down their milk, impeach them, and were often condemn'd.


He breaketh his Master (by the help of his Mistress) and so sets up for himself with that money he had unlawfully gotten in his Apprentiship, and credit besides: what a trick he served his Master at last: his Master and Mistress soon after dy'd.

BUt to proceed, now I had served my time, and was accordingly made free; but sollicited by my Master to stay some longer time as a Journey­man, which I consented to, knowing it could not be long: for we had so purloined from him, that it was impossible for him to subsist any longer. His Creditors visited him dayly, so that now his whole time was taken up in studying fair promising words to satisfie them for the pre­sent, and tell them when they should come again. My Master perceiving the danger he was in, would neither stir abroad, no, not so much as come into the Shop. He now standing upon the brow of a very high Hill, and being forced to descend, I re­solved to save him the labour, and so threw him down headlong.

By this time I had conveyed away a sufficient quantity of his Goods, intending them for my own use; and stowed them in a Warehouse which I [Page 192] had lately taken privately for my purpose. My Ma­ster one night told me his intended design, that he was resolv'd to pack up all his Goods, and to ga­ther in what moneys he could, and so take his wife with him for Ireland. I thought I should have dy'd at first when I heard him talk of carrying his wife with him, and could not forbear dropping some tears; which he perceiving, his trickled down his Cheeks to bear mine company. Well now, said he, I see thou lovest me too, as well as thou hast hitherto proved faithful. But the dearest friends must part (& with that he wept again like a child) however my comfort is, I hope we shall see each other in Heaven. I thought with my self, I had ra­ther see him in the Counter. And from that mi­nute I contriv'd how I might effect it: For at that time I should never have been able to have brookt a separation between my Mistress and self, especi­ally at so great distance. She and I often consulted what to do; Sometimes we were in the mind to take what money the old fool had, and so run a­way together, with many stratagems which we propounded; but were rejected as no ways expedi­ent nor convenient. At last I resolved on this, that she should acquaint her self of the exact time and way he intended to go, and so inform me there­of. I receiv'd information in a short time after, that before break of day, at such a time he would take Horse at I sl [...]gton, and so for Westchester. I imme­diately sent away word to one of his chiefest Cre­ditors, making known to him the sum and sub­stance of every thing, and, that if ever he ex­pected to receive what was due to him, he must at such a time have Officers ready to way-lay him, [Page 193] in order to his arrest, which was punctually done according to what instructions I sent him in a let­ter, without a name subscribed thereunto. He had not been long in custody, before I was sent for, to advise with him what was best to be done in this his great extremity and perplexity. I could do no less then seemingly condole his misfortunes, and withal seemed to be very active as to his assi­stance, running up and down to his Creditors to bring them to a compliance; but he had been better to have sent some person else as sollicitor in his business, for by my means I made his wound incurable. Seeing there was no remedy but pati­ently to endure his inevitable imprisonment, he got an Horse (as some men term it) alias a Duce facies, and so remov'd himself to Ludgate, where he had not been long e're he dy'd for grief.

In the mean time my Mistress had secured what he had, which I enjoy'd. I had now an House and Shop of mine own, very well furnisht; but withal I was grown so deboist and profusively lavish, that I seldom was at home but at night, & then in bed with my Mistress, who was very importunate with me to marry her: I confess I loved her intirely as my Mistress, or Whore, but I hated her as my Wife; knowing very well that if she would be an whore to me, and have an Husband, she would he so to another when I was in the formers place. She now found her self with Child; whereup­on (taking upon her my duty) she dayly prest [...]e to save her Credit. But I delay'd, putting her off continually with specious pretences, which her love & facileness easily swallow'd. The time of her delivery approaching, I went down into the [Page 194] Country with her; and because it was at hand, I stay'd to see the event: Within a short while she fell in labour (now because we were known for no other then Man and Wife,) when her throws came upon her, she would not let me stir out of the room. Her pain growing intolerable, she cal­led me hastily to her, and getting my hand with­in hers; Farewel, said she, I die for thee; thy last unkindness in not performing thy promise, and not returning love answerable to mine, hath un­timely yielded my days: with that she groaned, and then using her former expressions, cryed out, Love my memory however, since I die for thee. She uttered not one word afterwards, being as good as her word: The good women lookt strange­ly on me, every one passing their verdict, and all concluding her none of my Wife. The first Christi­ans under the great Persecution suffered not in 500 years so many several ways, as I did in five hours by the peoples Tongues. I must needs say, I took it very much to heart that Report, which made Richard the Second alive so often after he was dead, should kill me as often whilst alive; desiring them at last to wave their Censures (which they exprest publickly) I intreated them with all the Rhetorick I could produce to indeavour the revi­ring of my Wife, which if past recovery, to use means to preserve the Child. In a short time they told me that was dead likewise. At first I showed much grief, which was unfeigned, being not so much afflicted for the loss of her, as affected with those words she uttered when she breathed her last. I was too conscious of my own guilt, and there­fore they made the deeper impression in my very Soul.

[Page 195] But all these perturbations of mind I dissipated with a glass or two of Canary, which was the common antidote I us'd against care, sorrow, and vexation, &c. I now provided things necessary for her Funeral, which were not vulgar; which I might the better do, having made my self her Executor before, taking all she had into my custody. In me­morial of her and her fidelity, I wrote this Epi­taph on her Tomb-stone.

Women they say will lye, but now I see
'Tis false, to th'last she spake the truth to me.
Farewel said she, I thought my grief t'have hid,
I die for love of thee,—and so she did.
Here with her lies her Child, that strove in vain
To untomb it self, to be intomb'd again.
But rest my babe, thy cares with life are gone,
Thou'lt rise again, though now a setting Sun.
Though wonders cease, thy Mothers death doth prove
They may revive, for she did die for love.


His credit becomes suspected by his exorbitant manner of living in Drinking, Whoring, Gaming, &c. He thinks to sawder up that crack by Marriage; he is deceived both in Person and Portion.

REturning to my own Habitation, I found that my so long absence had raised a jealou­sie in my Neighbours breasts, that I was run away; [Page 196] which rested not there, but spread like a Canker, so that this flying report came to some of my Credi­tors cars, which made them both impatient and importunate with me for their moneys; I won­dered whence proceeded their unexpected haste. Some that would not be put off with promises, I was forced to pay; from others I obtained a little longer forbearance, which gave me but liberty to prosecute my former courses. If I was at the Ta­vern, I was either drunk, ingaged in a quarrel, & so involv'd in blood; or else at play, if not at a Bawdy house, which places I could not refrain from frequenting, though I kept one of my own at home. For I would not entertain a Maid, but what was more then ordinarily handsom, whom I com­monly vitiated either by presents, or promises if I got them with child. When I was weary of one, I payd her off with some additions to her wages, & entertain'd another, who would in a short time be wrought upon as well as her predecessors, being ambitious to lie with her Master, and vainly ho­ping that to be the first step to her preferment, thinking of nothing but presently marrying, and so be Mistress. In three years that I lived as a Mr. I had nine illegitimates, which I knew, four where­of were be gotten of my Maids, which put me to a vast expence. Two of the Mothers would have forced me to have married them, or allowed them competent maintenance (for they were subtil cunning baggages) had I not by a wile got them aboard a Vessel bound for Virginia, and never heard of them since. Besides two or three ter­rible Claps, which cost me a considerable sum in their cure. This distemper, as it caused a consump­tion [Page 197] in my Pocket, so it impaired my wonted strength, and almost spoiled my natural Talent.

I now began to be sensible of my folly, and so resolved to take up in time, and redeem by de­grees my lost credit by a temperate sober life; but that I found I had wasted my self extreamly, by which means I became less capable of reacting what I had before done, and my mind in a man­ner satiated, I question whether I should have had now such penitent thoughts. For a while I kept my Shop diligently and constantly; I would not drink with any but at home; my sudden altera­tion made people admire, and the suddenness of my reformation was the common discourse of all my Neighbours: The Parson of our Parish hear­ing of my strange alteration, came to me, which I admired at; for before, he that had the least care or respect of his Reputation, would avoid all occasions of being seen in my company, lest they might be suspected extravagant and deboist.

Pares cum paribus facilime congregantur.
Birds of a Feather will flock together.

The shortness of his hair declar'd him a member of the Circumcision, but his triple cap, or three caps on his head, shew'd, though he hated the very name of Rome or Babylon, yet he lov'd formerly a whore in private, though common. His Cloak was fac'd down with zeal before, and his Band appear'd but as a broad hem, to shew that a hem, with two or three formal spits, or a feigned Cough, was the usual sup­ply of his discourse, when he had thrasht himself in his Cloak out of breath in the Pulpit. His looks re­sembled the bleer-ey'd Printing at Geneva (and his [Page 198] face like that sort of ragged paper on which they work off their impressions. After he had set his face into a Platform, he delivered himself. I shall not relate exactly his own canting words, or what he borrowed from Scripture, being sensible, non est tutum ludere cum sacris: but give you the substance, which was first a reproof for my extra­vagancies: secondly, some general instructions, (pickt out of a common-place Book) for my fu­ture practice: and lastly, some encouragements drawn from various motives to proceed (without looking back) toward a good life: on which three points he ran divisions strangely, till Dinner-time, and then his stomack petitioned him to shut his mouth, lest it should be deprived of its appetite by receiving in too much air.

In this seeming strictness of life I lived two or three months, and now some began to have cha­ritable thoughts of my Soul; & that I might regain my runnings out by future diligence & industry.

I had several Matches offered me, which I saw, but liked them not; for I had always been a gene­ral lover, and could not now come to particulars. At last it was my misfortune to see one, whom I was wisht to; and which at first sight robbed me at once, both of my self and good company.

Formerly I was pleasing and affable, desirous and desired of good society, but never lived till now in Anchorite on earth. Neither did I ever till now tie up mine eyes to one particular face, giving them free liberty to wander. But now at last I fell from my primitive liberty, losing it totally, by dotage on a Creature, and that a Woman too: a just judgment on me for my mani­fold [Page 199] sins, to throw this thing in my way for me to stumble at.


How he was married, and what kind of thing his Wife.

I Made strict enquiry after the condition of my intended Wifes Parents, and found by report they were very wealthy. In a short time we had conference together about the Portion, and my Estate, and therein we were all satisfied. My Courtship was very Noble, yet not prodigal, for fear of giving offence; and in a little while we were married. By her looks I thought her so mo­dest, that an unchaste thought durst not enter in­to her head, since all immodest expressions she ba­nished from her cars.

The first night I thought to have had the first taste, but my experience told me the Tarriers had been there before. This struck me into an amazement, that there should appear such Virgin­whiteness, & the extract of innocence in her face, yet be guilty of a crime so notorious. Much per­plext I was, but durst not vent my self, what was more then bare suspition. In one half years time what I intended to conceal could be hid no lon­ger, being brought to bed three months before her time; and yet the Bawd her Midwife would make [Page 200] me believe this was usual; and that Children brought forth at six moneths might live.

Now began our domestick Civil Wars, which was carried on with such fury between us, that there was hardly an Utensil in the Kitchin that could rest in quiet for flying about our ears conti­nually. My Wife acted the Silent Woman to the life, whilest in a single state; for before we were married all her answers were very short, compre­hended within the two Monosyllables of I, and N; and those two must be forcibly extracted from her. But now her tongue wagg'd in a perpetual motion, and her voice so shrill and loud, that it would be heard distinctly, though a piece of Ord­nance were discharged near her at the same time, or standing at the Bell-room-door whilest the Bells were ringing. Frequent were her complaints to her Father and Mother, which alienated their affection from me, so that their only study was how to be rid of me. Her forgeries (to excuse her own Devilry) had so instigated them, that they sought my ruine by all wayes imaginable. Be­sides, they laid an Imbargo on the rest of my Wives portion unpaid; advising her withal to secure what she could, for her own self preserva­vation. She followed their instructions so exactly, that in a short time I found my self in a very de­clining condition, yet knew not the cause till it was too late, conveying away both my goods and money, some whereof went to supply the neces­sities of her Stallion.

I was all along jealous of this, though I could not conclude her altogether so culpable. But my doubts and fears which of all are the sharpest pas­sions, [Page 201] could not turn this distemper into a disease (although they lookt through false Opticks, ma­king things appear like evening shadows, dispro­portionable to the truth, and strangely longer then the true substance) till knowledge hereof (confirmed me by the witnesses of my eyes) had banisht bare suspition.

Which was thus, One night I caused my self to be brought home by a Porter as dead drunk; my Wife received me in that condition (I perceived by peeping out of my eye-lids) with much satis­faction, and was immediately carried up to bed; with much difficulty they undrest me, pretending my self a sleep all this while, and so they left me. It seems by the story that my Wife presently sent a­way the Maid (which was her Pimp) to her friend to come at such an hour. About nine of the clock the Maid was posted to bed; and about ten I heard one small knock at the door: he needed not to knock there any longer, for there was one below that was ready to receive him. When I judg'd they were incircled in each others arms, (which I un­derstood by hearkning at the bottom of the stairs, and thereby knew where about they were) I ran in upon them with my Sword (which I had prepa­red ready) & thinking to have run them through the body, intending to make a passage for their Souls escape, I past my Sword through the fleshy part of both their thighs. At which they made a most hideous outcry, so that the Maid came run­ning down, & a Watchman that stood just at my door hearingthe noise, knockt at the door, to know what was the matter; the Maid apprehending the danger, let him in, who by the help of his Candle, [Page 202] never saw so strange a sight; for I had so pin'd them together, that they could not stir. As well as they could speak, they both begg'd their par­don for their lives only, which I granted, as look­ing on my revenge somewhat satisfied.

My Gentleman I dismist, but as for his Mistress I was forced to send for a Chyrurgeon, whose wound needed no probing, but tenting, for it was through and through. There was no concealing of what was done; wherefore in the morning early I acquainted her Parents with what had happen'd last night. Insisting further, that since she had in­stead of putting off handsomly the Chain of Ma­trimony, rudely broke it, it should be her own da­mage; neither would I be at the cost of a visitation to repair the breach. To which I added, that had I deny'd her things requisite or necessary, or not performed duly my duty, she might have had some pretence for her slighting me, and look upon me only as a false Crow set up in a Garden, to keep others from the fruit it cannot taste it self. But since it was otherwise, and that she had nothing to object against me, but onely sometimes curbing her inordinate desires; I wisht them to save me the labour of having the Law to tear her from me, but that they would remove her elsewhere.

They reply'd but little, hastning to their daugh­ter; and fearing worse mischief might ensue, they instantly conveyed her into the Country. She had not remained there long, before she was cured, and not enduring to be confined to solitariness, repaired again to the City, where now she lives, as such do that keeps Civet-Cats; but I hear she is very reserv'd to all but such she knows she may intrust her self with.

[Page 203] There never yet was Woman made,
Nor shall, but to be curst;
And oh! that I (fond I) should first
Of any Lover
This Truth at my own charge to other Fools discover.
Ye that have promis'd to your selves
Propriety in Love;
Know womens hearts like straws do move,
And what we call
Their Sympathy, is but love to jet in general.
All Mankind are alike to them;
And though we Iron find
That never with the Loadstone joyn'd,
'Tis not the Irons fault,
It is because the Loadstone y t was never brought.
If where a gentle Bee hath fallen
And laboured to his power,
A new succeeds not to that flower,
But passeth by,
'Tis to be thought the Gallant elsewhere loads his thigh.
For still the flowers ready stand;
One buzzes round about,
One lights, one tasts, gets in, gets out.
All always use them,
Till all their sweets are gone, and all again refuse them.

However, I must confess my own faults, as well as condemn others; which was, I was too inqui­sitive after that which the more I knew, would the more disturb me. Of all things the less we know, the better. Curiosity in this renders a man as ridi­culous a Coxcomb, as that Cuckold Sir John [Page 204] Suckling mentioneth, who made diligent enquiry, whether he was made so in a bed, or on a Coach, and whether his duty-officiating Cavalier pulled off his Spurs first or not, &c.

Well, it was my hard fate to Marry thus like one doom'd to prison, who expecting to lie in a pri­vate room, is confined to the Hole. Had I married the best, I believe I should have found my self in the Stocks. 'Tis strange that I of all men should be deceiv'd by this thing that was like a box bearing drugs not suitable to the inscription. Had not my passion hung in my eyes, when I lookt into her dis­position and carriage, I might have easily under­stood that her behavior in the presence of me was only like action on a publike Stage, and that the evil of her natural inclinations were hid from me under the vail of silence and seeming modesty. And indeed my pallate was bed-ridden, and so scarce sensible of sauce, much less of meat. But since I have had such ill luck in marriage, which some vainly and falsly account a merry-age, I shall in the ensuing Discourse give you some instru­ction or advice as Land-marks. For having split upon this Rock, I may the better be a Pylot to a­nother that would sail this way.


Some Observations concerning Love and Women; se­lected out of the choicest Commentators on their na­ture, together with his own experimental reflections.

LOve 'tis confest is a Natural distemper, a kind of small Pox; most have either had it, or is to [Page 205] expect it, and the sooner the better. Surely I was never well cur'd on't, or else I had not thus fallen into a Relaps. Want of knowledge misguided me at first, and so I fell into a Quagmire; but I knew not what possest me to ride afterward into ano­ther on purpose. Love-seeds when it grows up to Matrimony is good for nothing, like some Fruit­trees which must be transpanted before they will bring forth any thing. And when Love in this na­ture doth seed, the encrease thereof is dissatisfacti­on, sorrow and vexation multiplyed. This afore­mentioned is not truely love but lust; for I cannot believe that that noble passion can be the ruine of its subject; neither would I have it disparaged by so unworthy an object as a woman. If there be Love, it should be to Heaven, a male-friend, rela­tions, or our Countries preservation, and not to a Female-piece of imperfection. And yet nothing will serve the turn, but monopolizing it by Mar­riage, because we would make it surely our own, and nevertheless our own till then. For if she be young, she is like an Hawk upon her wing; and if she be handsome, she is the more subject to go out at check. Faulkners that can but seldom spring right game, should still have something to take them down. The lure to which all stoop in this World, is either garnisht with profit or pleasure, and when you cannot throw her the one, you must be content to shew out the other. Consider again that woman (besides the trouble) is a Rent-charge which though the curiosity of man hath often in­closed, yet he cannot for his life stop so well one gap, but it will lie open for any stragler, by [Page 206] which means it seldom improves or becomes fruitful. And why should a woman be denyed the liberty of breaking a pane in her own window, or not admitted the freedom of regress to her own salliport, letting in whom she esteems as friends? If you will not give them the permission, you must be forc'd to wink when they take it, or do worse: cross them, and they will endeavour the not lea­ving a cross in your Pocket. Take it which way you will, Marriage is the dearest way of curing love. Faring with such, as it doth with those for the most part that at great charges walls in grounds and plant, who cheaper might have eat­en Mellons elsewhere, then Cucumbers in their own Garden. Besides, it is a gross piece of igno­rance to be bound up to love for an age, when the cause of love may perish for a month, and then the effect will follow. If it be natures plant in the face, that doth induce you; those beautiful flowers of red and white, a disease will quickly wither; if not, ravishing time will deflowre the choicest beauty.

But the ill consequents of Marriage are more to be considered, which are commonly drawn from the evil inclinations of that Sex Eve by stumbling at the Serpents sollicitations cast her Husband out of Paradice; nor are her Daughters surer of foot, being foundred by the heat of lust and pride. It were something if Marriage could answer the ex­pectation of all she boasts the cure of; for instead of quenching the hot coals of concupiscence, it ag­gravates the simple sin of Fornication, making it sprout into Adultery. What might be said more as to this subject, I shall refer the Reader to the [Page 207] Writings of that ingenious Gentleman Mr. Francis Osborne. If any more (like boys stript and stand shivering about the brink) are ready to leap into Loves Whirl-pit, and so end anger the loss of themselves, let them first look upon Love to be an idle fancy, and Wedlock of a dangerous conse­quence. If I could perswade you from loving, one would think the other then would be disregarded, but some to their costs can speak the contrary. In the first place, marry none but whom you love: for he that marries where he doth not love, will love where he did not marry. If you are prone to love one particular person, some are of opinion that travel is an excellent remedy: For absence doth in a kind remove the cause, removing the ob­ject. Others think that frequent visits (where as the rarity of them indears the affection) may by a sur­prizal discover some defects, which though they cure not absolutely, yet they qualifie the vehe­ment heat of an amorous Feavor; and as neer as can be, let it be unseasonably, either when she is in sickness or disorder, by that a man may know she is but mortal, and but a woman; the last would be enough to a wise man for an Antidote. Enter into discourse with her of things she daily hears not, and it will confirm the cure. Neither will it be amiss to contrive your self into the com­pany of variety, especially such beauties which are generally cry'd up; and if you can, taste them all, (but now I think on't, it is no matter, one is sufficient for a surfeit) for this Malady is better remedy'd this way, then by abstinence: good jo­vial company will much conduce to the cure.

[Page 208] But, I like not the prescription of Marriage, since it is the last and most dangerous receipt; like a kind of live Pigeons apply'd to the soals of the feet, which remedy to say truth, is worse then the disease: Were it possible for a Woman to be constant to one, something might be said, but I never yet tried any which did not very much shew their displeasures when offered some kindness, but never found any to refuse them, if opportunity & privacy of place admitted their reception; which hath made me often in my own thoughts question my mothers honesty and fidelity to my Father.

What I now utter, is not derived from preju­dice to that Sex, grounded on my own Wifes dis­loyalty; but experience tells me this, which most past sixteen very well understand, that there are few Women, let them pretend what they please, but will yeild to the temptations of the flesh, and so much the sooner, by how much she professeth some new light, which is Ignis fatuus that leads them into the Quagmires of all sorts of erroneous Tenents. With this dark Lanthorn-Light they dazle the eyes of such as would pry into their a­ctions, whiles behind in the dark they sensually satisfie themselves undiscovered.

Experience dictates what I here express; for I have had converse with several of these Religious pretenders, that in the very act would very much inveigh against Adultery with their tongues, whilst their Bloods willingly consented to the com­mission of that sin, and then immediately after seem extremely pensive.

They will make it their daily discourse, speak­ing [Page 209] against such whose natural inclinations have prompted them to unlawful satisfaction of their lusts, and yet they themselves are at the same time studying how they may secretly and securely ac­complish the same thing.

To conclude, Woman in general is the very ex­tract of inconstancy, and therefore it is but a vain thing for any to think she can absolutely love one man. Such who are found constant to their Hus­bands preferring their welfare before the indulg­ing of their own by-respects, ought to be lookt on no less then Miracles of their Sex, by such who are acquainted generally with Female dispo­sitions and actions.


He cheats his Creditors by knavish breaking, and runs away for Ireland. He is Shipwrackt on the Isle of Man.

WHilst my Credit was good, I thought good to make use of it, lest that failing, I should want an opportunity to march off with flying Co­lours. To raise my repure amongst my Neigh­bours (whom I knew would spread abroad what they had seen) I caus'd a Porter (whom I could in­trust) to carry out prlvately an hundred pound, and a little while after to come with a trusty friend of mine with that, and five or six hundred pound bags more on his back, openly carrying them. Upon my receipt hereof, I presently tumbled the [Page 210] Money out of the bag (which had really money in it) on the Counter, purposely making a great noise: having told it over (my friend standing by the while) I put it up; and pretending to lay that aside and take another, I took up the same again, so doing till I had told it over five or six times; then writing in publike view a Receipt, with much civility and respect I dismist my Gentleman. And thus did I thrice in a months time; so that by this means without suspition I conveyed away a great quantity of my Goods, which people thought I had sold, & therefore thought me to have a great trade. Report hereby rendred me a man of vast dealing, so that now I had goods dayly offer'd me, some whereof I received, promising to them payment at three moneths, others at six; where­as I intended they should stay till her had her twelve Apostles for her Jury. What Wares or Moneys I could take up, I did, not mattering at what rate. To some of the more wary sort I con­fest a Judgment for their security. I needed not to have spoken in the Singular number, for I delu­ded four with my Judgments. What commodities I had, I converted into money by a bill of Sale, and so went away, leaving my Creditors to sue out a Statute of Bankrupt if they so pleased; which I val [...]ed not, if once out of their reach. To my chiefest Creditor I sent these lines, to the intent he should not tax me with incivility for going a­way, and not sending him word.

Credit doth strengthen such whose Trades are weak;
But too much Credit, Sir, did make me break.
Credit to sinking Trades-men is a prop;
[Page 211] But had you kept your Wares, I'de kept my Shop.
Pray do not blame me, Sir, because I show
A way to pay those many debts you owe:
Which you may do, if you'l advised be,
Which is in short, prepare to follow me.
Believe me, faithful Sir, in what I say,
I went before, but to shew you the way:
But if you will not, don't lament your loss,
For in your Money I do bear the cross.
Grief will distract you, and destroy your wit;
Good Sir, preserve it, for y'ave paid for it.

I rid post for Holy-head night and day, so that I arrived there in a very short time: going to dis­mount, I tumbled off, neither could I rise again; continual and unaccustomed riding had almost dislocated every bone in my body, notwithstand­ing it was swathed for that purpose. The next day I made a shift to walk abroad to view the Ra­rities of the Town, but found nothing rare but handsome Women, Civility, and good Drink. In two days time we set Sail: we had not ran above three Leagues before the Sky darkned; the Wind blew hard at a South-East, and the Waves rose mountain-high: In an hours time we were forced to cut our Masts by the board, and lightning the Ship as much as we could, let her drive. Every man fell to his Prayers, expecting every moment when they should be swallowed up by the Sea. As for my part, I now thought divine vengeance had overtaken me, and would reckon with me for all my Rogueries; I lookt on my self as Jonas, & was much troubled that others should suffer for my iniquities. About three a Clock in the morn­ning [Page 212] we heard a hideous noise occasioned by the beating of the Sea against the Rocks, which was ecchoed by the loud and lamentable cries of the Seamen, who now knew there was no hope for us. Now could I pray heartily, that had never pray'd in my life before; but my Devotion was soon spoiled, for the Ship struck in between two Rocks. I lookt out, and methought the dashing of the waves lookt perfectly like flashes of Fire. Here she stuck a little while, which gave five of us op­portunity to leap out upon a Rock: we were no sooner there, before a wave fetcht her off, but brought her on again, and split her all to pieces. We five in the mean time riding astride on a Rock behind one another, like so many Criminals on a Woodden-horse. Sometimes a wave would strike clear over us, which indangered our washing off. Sometimes we thought to let go our hold, as look­ing upon our preservation to be impossible; and withal imagining that the tide was coming in. At last the hindmost could hold no longer, but crying, Lord have mercy on my Soul, committed himself to the merciless Sea. Immediately came a tumbling Sea and washt off the next; now did I expect that every wave would prove my Executioner. But it was not decreed (I suppose) that I should be drown'd. Day broke, so that we could discern we were not a Coits cast from the Shore, and that the Sea was ebbing. We waited not above an hour before we crawled to Shore, for go we could not, our joynts were so benum'd by the cold. We got up the Beach, and could discern a little way distant a small Cottage; thither we repaired with much difficulty, and were kindly entertained, pittyed, [Page 213] and informed where we were. We stay'd about a week in this Isle of Man, without one farthing ex­pence. For the Inhabitants are generally very ci­vil and courteous, and especially to Strangers. From thence we imbarkt for Dublin.


His Arrival into Ireland: he changeth his Name: what trick he serv'd his first Landlady; all his Mo­ney being spent, and those Goods and Coyn likewise Shipwrackt which he expected to follow him.

WE landed at a place called Ringsend about a mile from Dublin. I was askt whether I would have a Coach. Where are there any, said I? (for I lookt about me, and could see nothing like a Coach) the fellow lookt upon me to be a very ignorant person, because I understood not what he meant, and angerly spal [...]e thus: By my Gossips hand, thou canst not see very much well, arra look here is one by thine own side. It was a great while before I could tell what language he spoke, he did so tone his words; neither could I understand him, till one standing by interpreted him. As for his Ringsend-Coach, as he call'd it, it was Wheel-bar­row fashion, only it had two Wheels not much bigger then a large Cheshire Cheese: the Horse that drew this Princely-pygmy-Chariot, I at first mis­took for an over-grown Masty; but viewing him narrowly, found him the extract (by his shape) of [Page 214] a Scotch-Hobby; well, up I mounted, but could not invent a name for the manner of my riding, for I was neither coacht nor carted, but I fancyed my self (and that justly) as I was riding, to be some notorious Malefactor drawn on a Sledge to the place of execution, which afterwards experimen­tally I found Dublin to be: many of its Inhabitants call this City Divlin, quasi Divels Inn, & very pro­perly it is by them so termed; for there is hardly a City in the world that entertains such variety of Devils Imps as that doth. If any knavishly break, murder, rob, or are desirous of Polygamy, they straightway repair thither, making that place, or the Kingdom in general, their Azylum, or Sanctu­ary. My first care was to plant my self convenient­ly; the next day I sent for a Barber to shave all my hair off, ordering him to bring me a Periwigg of an absolute contrary colour to my own hair, to the intent, that if I should meet with any of my former acquaintance, they might not know me, whereby I should prevent their sending notice to any where I was. The truth of it is, in this disguize I hardly knew my self. The greatest difficulty I found, was to make my self familiar with my ficti­tious name. At first when my Landlady called me by that name, I either star'd her in the face, or lookt behind me, (not answering thereunto) thin­king she had spoke to some man else: but had I not pretended to be thick of hearing, and so that way apologizing for my silence, my design might have been marr'd. I daily met with several I knew, but would not take the least cognizance of them.

In this manner I spent a moneth, but all this while no tidings of my Goods and Money; that [Page 215] which I had brought with me was all consumed. My Landlady (as it is customary there, having as little trust or faith as they have Religion) called upon me for what I owed her. For a little while I stopt her mouth, by telling her I had a considerable quantity of Goods and Mony too coming, which I expected by every fair wind. A little while after I heard the Ship in which they were was cast away. Now did I absolutely conclude Gods just judge­ment attended my fraud and knavery. My loss I did not in the least discover to any, knowing I should reap at first only some pitty, and afterwards be undervalued & and disrespected. My Hostess a­gain, was very importunate with me to have her Reckoning: I endeavoured to put her off, saying, I expected daily Bills of Exchange; but she would not believe me; for I perceived that she had been often cheated with such delusions.

Now did I not know what to do: I thought good to try another way; she being a Widdow, I fancyed I could work upon her Female frailty: I used all means possible to get her alone; which I did but seldom, and then did I make use of all my Rhetorick to perswade her into a belief, how dearly I loved her; she replyed little, but would laugh at me till she held her sides again. I verily believe she understood my drift, which I might ar­gue from her expressions. Sometimes she would say, Come, come, away with these love-fooleries, and pay me what you owe. Then would I tell her all I enjoyed, and my self too, were properly hers, and that she might take them when she pleased in­to her possession. No, no, she would say, my youth­full days are past, and it is time for me to look [Page 216] Heavenwards; wherefore let fall your suit, &c.

Since words would no ways prevail, I resolved to try something else, knowing how difficult it is for a Woman when in bed to refuse a Venereal proffer. To that purpose one night I came softly into her Chamber, and groping with my hand for her face, I caught a man by the Beard: at which he awaked, and thinking the Devil was come to trim him, or rob him of his Wash-balls, would have cryed out aloud, but that fear had so lockt up his voice, that his highest note was little louder then whispering; I could but just hear him say, In the name ofwhat art? I am, said I, (and then she wak'd too) no Ghost, but a living witness of your leachery, to that intent I came hither to be fully satisfied of what I have a long time sus­pected. As for you Madam, your youthful days are past, but your lust will endure for ever. If this be your way to Heaven, why were you so unchari­table as not to let me go along with you? As for your part, Sir, I believe that you are traveling that way too; for if I mistake not, you lately came out of Purgatory.

To be short, they both intreated me to be si­lent, and retire to my own lodging, and that in the morning they would treat with me to my full sa­tisfaction. This was what I aimed at, though brought about otherwise then intended. Early they both came to me: the pious Gentlewoman be­ing very tender of her credit, would forgive me my Debt, if I would not blemish her reputation by my report; her Gallant gave me ten pieces to bind the bargain: having gotten a discharge under her hand, I sealed our contract with an Oath and [Page 217] faithful promise never to divulge their shame. The Gentleman (though his estate much exceeded hers) out of spight, I think, or vexation, to be so caught, incontinently married her, though all for­mer sollicitations (which I understood were ma­ny) proved ineffectual.


He is driven to extreme necessity; he describes what it is to be indigent, by what he suffered in that condi­tion.

THis ten pound I received from my old leache­rous Dotard, made its Exit almost assoon as its entrance into my Pocket: by that sum I thought to have purchased Mountains in Ireland (and indeed there is too great plenty of them there,) by gaming; but experience told me after­wards that my design was hazardous, and so it proved, for I met with a person that bubbled me at Hazard, not leaving me a penny, and ingaged besides for my proportion of the Reckoning. My Gamester dealt too hardly with me, yet it was but just, for I intended to show him as little favour, if compell'd to lye at my mercy, which I verily thought would be, having various Utensils about me to that purpose, but I was overmatcht.

Ithought my self secure, for I could top,
By which I've forc'd some [...]its to leave their shop.
I palm'd, and put the change upon them too;
[Page 218] I only studyed how I might undo.
But now I'm met with, 'tis but just I see,
That he which others cheats, should cheated be.

I returned to my Lodging, (which was none of the best) with what anxiety and perturbation of mind I shall give any looser leave to imagine, whilst the remembrance thereof enforceth me to speak; and I hope the Reader will give me that li­berty, since the Proverb intaileth on the looser that priviledge. I acquainted my Landlord with my misfortune, who seem'd very much to condole me for the present, but it was afterwards the occa­sion of his not crediting me. From hence I will ad­vise all to speak as little as they can of ills that be­tide them; but we cannot discourse too much of the good that happens to us. Perceiving my Land­lord grew cold, my spirit was too high to be any longer beholding to him but for my Lodging; wherefore I feldom came home till night. Neither would I make known my condition to any that knew me. Sometimes I should meet with some in the street, who would ask me to drink with them: my usual answer was, I came from it but even now: insisting farther, that such a Gentleman, with two or three more besides my self had drank so much, and that I admired at my self, for being so so­ber; whereas to deal ingeniously, I had not drank one drop that day. Another seeing me, would ask me whether I would dine with him at the Ordinary? then would I pretend that my Lord—Gentleman over-perswaded me to dine with him, and that we had such variety, that I doubted my stomack had received some detriment [Page 219] thereby; and therefore beg'd an excuse; where­as a dry crust taken out of my Leather Cupboard was all the varieties the Gentleman-Usher of my stomack, my throat I mean, had taken cognizance of that day. So hard it was too, that I would look this way, and that way, not daring to commit it to the engine of my Chops, unless there was none near me within a furlong; for had there been any near me, they would have sworn I was eating Walnuts shells and all. Now did I learn to drink Water, which necessity made me to commend as the most soveraign liquor, and most suitable to the body of man; otherwise Adam in Paradice would not have been without a cup of Ale.

Every morning I offer'd up my Devotions ei­ther to St. Patrick, or St. James, each of which have two excellent Wells dedicated to the honour of their Saintships. Thither did I repair constantly twice or thrice a day: after I had offered up the fumes of smoke (most commonly of none of the best Tobacco) I kneeled, not using the common way of drinking out of the chained iron dish, but with greater a doration suckt it as it came through the conveyance. After a walk to Kilmanum (about a mile from Dublin) or some other place to pre­pare my stomack, I return'd to Christ-Church, fre­quently dining there with Sir Richard Strang-bow: Reflecting on his Cheer, and the Liquor of those two Saints, I cannot but tell you my thoughts of both.

Sir Richard Strang-bow keeps an house where Wine
And Bread some sup on, but few seldom dine.
Ask yet an hungry Rambler, and he'll say,
[Page 220] (Though not one bit came near his mouth that day)
He plentifully din'd with him, so let him still
Till he hath found his empty belly fill,
Where I ne're could, which made me hate in fine
Sir Richard Strang-bows Feasts, St. Patricks Wine.

I fasted so long, I had now almost forgot how to eat: for if casually I came where meat was, I often made a proffer to convey something to my mouth, but my lips understood not my meaning; for having been so long unaccustomed to their du­ty, knew not how to perform their gaping office. It was impossible at this time for the greatest fright to have made me foul my breeches, because I seldom used any thing that might cause excre­ments. And therefore I wondred to hear any en­quire for an house of Office, since I had now left off going to stool. Once in five days I thought I stood in need of evacuating; but I was mistaken, for by discharging a blast of wind (whose fury seattered small stones underneath me) I found it only a fit of the Cholick. I shall deal plainly, should I have found a propensity, I would have been very unwilling to let any thing go out, since so little past into my belly. Some Moveables I had left, which I was forced to dispose of, to keep the passage of my guts open, which would frequently grumble against my stomach for detaining too long what was received, challenging a propriety therein. I thought it good policy not to buy any Belly-tim­ber of a quick concoction, because it should stay the longer within me. To this purpose I lookt on old Cheese to be food convenient; knowing that though it will disgest any thing else, yet it cannot [Page 221] disgest it self; and as it closeth up the mouth of the stomack, so by its respective quality it looks up fat [...] the Postern of the Micro-cosm. Flesh again (if I got any) I would swallow by whole-sale, fearing left by chewing it, my stomack would too suddenly give it a passport to my Hypo-gastrium; by which means it would be immediately ready again, nay restless in the craving more. I seldom slept for the gnawing of my stomack, & the anguish of my guts, and for want of those fumes which proceeding from Meat ascended into the head, and so the causers of sleep. If I chanced to nod at any time, I dreamed of nothing but eating, my fancy feed­ing that while as voraciously as an hunger-starved hound on a shoulder of Mutton. I was driven to that pass, I could not justly tell whether I was a­live or not. Sometimes I was of the opinion that I dyed in our Ship-wrack on the Isle of Man, and that I was now a Soul in Purgatory.

Immediately after my arrival in this place, the Itch and Bunniah, or Flux, (the two grand Epide­mical distempers of Ireland) gave me their well­come into their Country, attended by a great number of six-footed Gent. clad in a gray livery, with one single list down the back; who all pro­mised to stick to me & be my bosomes friends, nei­ther would they forsake me as long as life lasted. But they like the rest of the best and fairest promi­sing friends left me, when fortune committed me prisoner to the merciless cruel hands of that accur­sed Goaler, Poverty. I was grown so lean, that the Mungril Scotch and Irish Gentleman the Itch, find­ing not flesh enough to feed on, gave me the French Complement, Adieu pouvre Gentilhome. The Flux [Page 222] staid with me as long as any thing was left in my belly, but finding no substance from my Guts, took his leave also, unkindly carrying away all that was within me. Their retinue perceiving they were like to feed on hard meat, there being little left but bones, whose teeth were incapable of fast­ning thereon, resolv'd to follow after; some ma­king more then ordinary haste, broke their necks off the Cape of my Cloak, missing their footing, the threads thereof being spun out by time as fine as those of Arachnes working.

To conclude, I was a meer walking Skeleton, my skin only serv'd as a mantle for my bones. But for wind, my belly would have contradicted an ap­proved Philosophical Axiome, proving a Va­cuum.

One time passing by the Castle-gate, a Souldier fir'd his Musquet, and I protest methought my belly sounded like a Drum at the report. Should I relate every particular wherein the malevolen­oie of Fortune afflicted me, I should much tire the Reader, as well as perplex my self with remem­brance; wherefore I shall desist, and give you leave to imagine the deplorableuess of his condition, who hath neither Monies, Friends, nor Credit, and in a place where he is neither acquainted with the people, nor their Language.


He falling accidentally into a strange house, endea­vours to build a Sconce, but is frustrated of his in­tent. The old Hostess pities him at first, and re­lieves him, and continually after feeds him for her own peculiar Diet; further insisting on the mifery he then endured.

I Was by this time grown so feeble by fasting, or by the manner of my feeding, which was either Cheese or hard Eggs, (there being great plenty) that I could hardly go; and so light I was by con­tinual smoking, that I questioned often whether I was not a meer fume my self; fearing still when I walkt abroad, to be extracted by the Sun for an exhalation. Fortune so favour'd me one day, that I found a Groat, which put me into an extasie of joy. I know not what Magical power there was in that vast sum of four pence, for in an instant, not knowing by what means, I found my self in a Vi­ctualling-house, so speedy was my conveyance, as if I had been riding some Daemon through the air. I call'd for some meat, but my voice sounded so hollow, as if I had spoken in a vault. Some said, it was the Eccho of some person speaking in the next house: others of the wiser sort believed me to be some Spectrum, or Apparition; and that the Devil had assum'd a body speaking in that mortuum cada­ver. [Page 224] The truth of it is, 'twas something hard to determine, whether I spake or no, but that they might perceive my lips to open. There was a Physician in the house at that time, who looking on me narrowly, openly proclaim'd that I was the workmanship of some Mortal, who having first gotten the Skeleton, or bones of a Man, had arti­ficially skin'd them over, and that German Clock­work caus'd my motion. I would have laught heartily at their ridiculous apprehensions, but that I had forgot how. I had some Gall left in me still, which made me start up in as great a rage as my feeble body was able to declare, intending to demonstrate to them how grosly they were mista­ken; but perceiving me to approach, they all fled but Mr. Doctor, whom shame retain'd, otherwise by a fit of an Ague (which just then possest him) I knew he would willingly have been gone too. Speak (said he tremblingly) what art? I was some­what puzled at his question, for I knew not well what I was: I am a living man, said I. Why then thou wouldst have flesh, said he. After several dis­courses to this purpose, I at length made him partly believe that I was no such thing he ima­gined. And yet he would be asking me still a ma­ny impertinent questions, as whether I could fee; and his reason was, because he could discern no eyes. Whether I was born without eyes, or lost them since accidentally, &c. I was forced to tell him at last that it was the Country disease that had reduced me to this condition. Hearing me say so, he pitied me much, and told me he would fetch instantly something that should do me much good. I thankt him, and away went Mr. Doctor.

[Page 225] The good Woman over-hearing our discourse drew neer then confidently, and demanded what I would have? I told her, any thing which was eatable, as far as a groat would go. She brought me some hot Meat, and setting it before me, went for some drink, but before she could return I had swallowed it all: she fetcht me more, which went the same way with as much celerity. But like Quick-silver it wrought quite through me, not staying a quarter of an hour.

The manner whereof was thus: About to pay my Reckoning, my Groat got into a piece of pa­per; I fumbled a great while in my pocket, but found it not, which put me even to my wits ends. At last drawing out some papers, and shaking them my Groat dropt; perceiving its fall might be dan­gerous, there being many holes in the Floor, I catcht after it; notwithstanding it fell upon the very brink of an hole; what with hast to recover it, and the fright the danger put me into, I dis­charged my self of every bit I had eaten. There was no body could say, I had fouled my Breeches, or that I stunk; which I made appear to my Land­lady by showing her what I had evacuated, but little differing from what I had eaten a quarter of an hour before. The good old woman perswaded me strongly to eat it again; for said she, it cannot be much the worse for just passing through you, and I will fry it if you please. I thought I should now have dyed with laughter at her strange pro­position; but the woman star'd upon me, not knowing whether I grin'd or laught. Well, well, said she at last, if you will not eat such good victuals, [Page 226] some body else shall. I offer'd her my Groat, which she refus'd, telling me there was as much more to pay; I told her that was all the moneys I had a­bout me, and that I would pay her the rest the next day.

But she for her part thought it was unjust,
To listen to the arguments of trust.

And therefore told me plainly she would have her Reckoning. I bid her stay a while: then assoon as she had turned her back I attempted to march off, but my strength failing me, I wanted swiftness, and so was brought back. I made her acquainted with my condition how miserable it was; I need­ed not many arguments to persuade any into that belief, for my person was the true Embleme of misery. She gave a serious attention to what I ex­prest, and at last melted into tears, commiserating my misfortunes; she caus'd instantly a bed to be warm'd, where being laid, she ordered a Cawdle to be made, & in fine shew'd a world of kindness to me, not imagining what she aim'd at. She would not let me stir out of my Bed but whilst it was ma­king, for above a week; at the conclusion of which I began to recover a little colour in my cheeks, & grew indifferent strong; she gave me moneys in my Pocket, & told me I must walk into the fields with her. I blest my self, and that Angel that directed my feet to the finding that lost groat which was the occasion of my restitution to a condition of living again. By this time I imagined what my old Gen­tlewoman expected: wherefore, in the first place I [Page 227] acknowledged how much I was obliged to her matchless civilities, and that it was impossible for me to return her answerable satisfaction. Rowling her pretty Piggs-eyes to and fro in her head, I re­quire (said she) nothing but your Love. If it must needs be so (thought I) there is no way better then to let fancy form her beautiful, and so by the force of imagination I shall injoy as much pleasure as if lying with Venus, though in Conjunction with this Succubus. We us'd not many ceremonies, (like puling-whining Lovers, that are always saying Grace, but never fall to) but taking the conveni­ence of a Ditch underneath a bushy-topt hedge we conferred notes. Had any seen us in this posture, they would have concluded old Winter metamorphosed into an old Woman lying in a Dike, and that Flora was converted into a young man, and both in an unnatural Conjunction. Or that youthful Phoebus had contracted his rays to court a lump of Ice, but with shame was forced to desist, finding his powerful endeavours ineffectual in the production of a thaw. Whenever I wanted a small sum, a kiss or two, or the say­ing I loved her, extracted so much as supplied my present occasions; if I wanted a sum consi­derable, why then a quarter of an hours dis­course in private effected my desires. Most that knew me wondred what politick stratagems I us'd that I so suddenly wound my self out of that La­byrinth of all sorts of miseries, & that I appeared both in feature and garb so excentrick to my for­mer condition. I had as many pretences to blind the world as there were various suspitions of prag­matick [Page 228] persons. In short, I was now very well apparell'd, well furnisht with moneys, I kept my Horse, nay my Whor [...] too; this I made use of for what she was, the other for what she had. So seemingly happy was the present state of my life, that I deem'd it impossibly unalterable by any de­cree of fate.


He makes a Ramble into the Country, takes some Observations as be travelleth; and is soundly beaten for attempting to board a small Irish Pin­nace.

I Began now to be somewhat weary of the City, and therefore resolved to refresh my self with the Country Air. I acquainted my Patroness therewith; who with much regret condescended, conditionally two days should be the utmost time of my absence.

That morning I set forth, there was such solemn leave taken between us, as if my voyage had been intended for the Indies. About to amount, she re­trived my intentions, clasping me in her arms; I should rather have chosen the imbraces of a she-Bear, as thinking her breath far sweeter; and truly I have often wondred at my recovery in so impure and unwholsom air. Being on Horse-back she so bathed her Cheeks with tears (wanting no moisture, derived from an everlasting spring of humours distilling from her head) that you would [Page 229] have sworn she was the representation of the Pig­woman in Ben's Bartholomew fair. Had not her wa­try Flood-gates drowned her eyes, I think she would have stood looking after me that way I rid till my return. Well, there is no fool like the old doting fool: And were I again to love for interest, I would choose such a person. Your young skittish things that onely mind their pleasures, think they have done a man a courtesie that merits reward, if they admit him into their private samiliarity, be­cause they find fond man so passionate and impa­tient in the prosecution of his desires: And then again, having variety of Courtiers, they are too sensible, that if one w [...]ll not meddle with the bait, a second will nibble at it so long till he is caught with the hook. Whereas a woman stricken in years, and having lost her beautiful allurements is disre­garded, & lookt on as no fit subject for love to treat on; not but the may have as youthful desires as a­ny; and if that way inclin'd, none so prone as she. For knowing she hath nothing but her wealth to attract withal, she will freely part with it for her self-satisfaction; and that she may not loose her Stallion, constantly encourage him even to the exhausting of what she hath. Moreover, finding the man to answer her expectations, she studies all ways imaginable how to please him in every thing, that he may please her in that one thing.

But to my purpose: coming to Balle-mor [...]-Eu­stace, a little beyond the Town, (which is in the County of Wicklow) there is a small River in the Summer-time not above knee-deep; I perceived a young woman about to cross it; drawing to the [Page 230] water, she stood not on the niceties of modesty, but pulled up her Cloaths to the wast. The sight hereof stopt me, and as near as I could opposite to her. She minded me not, but came straight over to me, and at about three yards distance let down her Coats. I observed so many excellencies that my blood began to boyl, and myflesh was all of a flame. For her hair which naturally curled, and was plaited, was of a bright flaxen, each hair in the Sun glittered like a thred of Gold.

Here take notice by the way, that the Maids for the most part, Winter & Summer, go without any coverings on their head, which they wash all over every night; the meaner sort assoon as married wear Kerchers. She had an Angelical countenance, onely somewhat brownish by the Suns frequent kissing of it; I know not whether I may adjudge that a deformity. The skin of her body might vye with Snow for whiteness, &c. I dismounted, & ad­drest my self to her in English; she answered me in her own language, she understood me not: Then did I make use of that little Irish I had learned, which were some fragments of lecherous expressions, to which she replied, but I understood her not. To be brief, I so far prevailed that I got her into a small Wood, in which the thick & spreading tops of the trees seemed to lay their heads together in conspi­racy to keep not only the Suns entry, but also the curious search of any mortals eye. She permitted me to kiss, dally, lay my hands on her thigh, &c. which were the only Preludiums of what should follow. But herein I mistook, for their dispositions are much different from the English. We use to [Page 231] say, that where we gain over any woman the liber­ty to use the hand, we cannot fail of doing what we most desire: whereas quite contrary they will without the least opposition permit the first, but with the greatest difficulty admit of the last. For assoon as she saw me ready to engage, she cryed out incessantly, Whillallalloo; and presently I could hear this ululation ecchoed. I had just recovered my Horse, when two or three fellows came running to me, the one with a Flail, the rest with long Poles. The first salutation I received was from the Flail, which failed but little of doing my business: the next my Horses Crupper received; the poor beast being civilly bred, could do no less then return them a Congee with his leg, which made one of them fall on his knees to his Master, as if he had been Monarch of that Soil. These two Rogues stood stiffly to me, insomuch that I knew not what course to take. The Villains were so nim­ble, that one of them was continually before me hindring my slight, whilst the other drub'd me forward. I bethought my self of a Pistol I had in my Pocket charged without a bullet; I drew it, pre­sented, and pretended I would fire if they desisted not; for these stupid fellows apprehended not the danger: perceiving how stupidly senseless they were, I fir'd it full in the sace of him that fronted me, who verily believ'd he had been shot, & so out of conceit (for they are naturally very timerous) fell down as dead; the other seeing that, ran away as swift as lightning, whereby I had leave to ride on, which I did (you may think) with no ordinary speed. Lovers may talk of their sufferings by their [Page 232] Mistress frowns, or obdurateness, but let any one judge of mine by the blows I received; sighing is nothing to fighting, and a few tears are not to come in competition with dry basting. Pox on them they made me out of conceit with love for six weeks after. I never thought of enjoying a woman since; but the remembrance of those three Bog-trotters converted the hot fit of my a­morous Fever into a cold one.

A little way from Baltinglass I took up my quar­ters for that night. The Inn I lay in was one story high, about the height of an extraordinary Pigsty, and there was one Chinney in it too, more then there is to be found in one of an 100 such Hovils. The good man well-com'd me after his fashion, but I think an Anthropophagus or Indian Man-eater would have done it as civily. I bid him set up my Horse by signs, (for that was the language we converst in) but alass there was no other Stable but what was at the end of our Kitchin; our Di­ning-room, Bed-chamber, Pigsty, Pantry and But­tery, being all one, without distinction or separati­on. Some few Wattles (as they call them) were placed above, that was our Hay-loft. The onely door of our Inn was a large hurdle, much like a sheep-pen. The Bann [...]ttee or good wife of the house, could speak a little broken English. I askt her what I should have for Supper? Thou shalt have a Supper said she for St. Patrick a gra. I staid an half hour expecting when she would lay down something to the fire, but instead thereof she brings me in a Wooden Platter a great many Leeks, in the bot­tom whereof was a good quantity of Bay-salt, and [Page 233] withal a loaf as black as if the Meal had been wet­ted with Ink. Seest tou tere, Chreest himself nor St. Patrick did ever eat better ting. I could not forbear smiling, which put her into a great passion: For if a man eats not what they set before him, they think themselves highly affronted. Because I would please them (not knowing but that I might find as bad sawce here) I pretended to eat, conveying it into my Boots. After supper I askt them for a clean Pipe; the woman brought me one about an inch long, telling me it was very clean, for her Husband had not smoakt in it above ten times. I judged it to be the ruines of the first Pipe that was made, which was conveyed from one of that famility to ano­ther, conditionally they should constantly smoke in it without burning it. They offered me some snuff too; which is one of the greatest kindnesses they can either show or be shown. I called for some drink, (to try whether that corresponded with the rest) and so it did, for there was no swallowing it without chewing. Finding but little satisfaction I desired to go to Bed. That I should instantly, they said, but I wondred where they intended to lay me. In a little while in came a lusty wench with a bundle of rushes on her head, my bed it seemed by the sequel, which she spreading on the ground, covered them with a Caddow or Rugg. Here I must lye or no where, patience was my onely comfort; wherefore stripping my self to my drawers and Stockins, I laid my self down. About two hours after came in two Cows, three or four Piggs, some Ducks and Geese, (which they brought not in be­fore, out of civility to me.) All their family being [Page 234] within doors; the good Man, his Wife, and two Daughters, stripping themselves stark naked, lay down altogether by my side, which seem'd some­what strange to me. I could hardly forbear the two young ones, but that my late misfortune was so fresh in my memory.

I could not sleep all that night, wherefore ve­ry early I discharged my Reckoning, and so set forward for Dublin with all the expedition I could, not liking the Country-entertainment. I would not ride the same way back as I came, to avoid my bone-breakers; but it had been as well; for com­ing to a River that I must foard, I askt a fellow which was the safest place: he pretended no know­ledge of what I said, wherefore making signs to him, he answer'd me again with his hand, direct­ing me to such a place; at the first step my Horse and I plunged over head and ears; and had not my Horse been strong, we had both perished. With much difficulty we got up the bank on the other side, and looking behind me, the villain was e'ne almost out of fight. Such causeless revenge they frequently exercise towards the English, naturally hating us with a perfect antipathy. I returned at length to my old Hostess, resolving when next I undertook such a journey, I would steer by the compass of other mens experience.


The manner of his stealing an Hogshead of French Wine from the Custom-house.

TRacing the street, I chanced to cast my eye on a fellow, the flowness of whose pace infor­med me of the idleness of his condition. His garb was so preposterously unsuitable, that a man could not possibly look on him without excessive laughter. To the intent you may participate with me in the same sport, I shall open his Wardrobe. In general there was not any thing he did wear that had not some times another property, & of which one might derive another Pedigree. The Hat he had on was devested of all Royal Dignity, having lost its Crown, and yet his crime would not be al­lowed of as Capital. But what it wanted in one place was supplied in another, the brims whereof being so large, they might have conveniently ser­ved as a Pent-house for another besides himself. But this ingenious Squire politickly had pin'd up the brims on one side, that he might have some light to discern his way; his Hat thus pin'd up on the one side lookt much like a trap-door pull'd up. His Band was so torn and dirty, as if he had but just come from some fray; and lest passion should prove obnoxious, time had done him that courtesie to purge away his choler. In what condition his [Page 236] Doublet was behind, I could plainly discover through the holes of his Cloak, which generally was so transparent, that the rents and patches of several colours of his cloaths were as visible as if you had lookt through Lawn. The forepart of his Doublet and his Breeches I am confident were the off-spring of the Furniture of a Billiard-Table. His Cloak proceeded from a Boat-tilt, whose Grand­father was an Horse-cloth; and I could not look on his Breeches, but it put me in mind of the Scotch Flaggs that hung up [...] Westminster. His skirts were so liquor'd and greas'd, that in case of extremity they might have served for belly-pieces, not using any thing but their own fatness to fry them in By his countenance be seemed like a man of courage and ingenuity, and so I could not chuse but endea­vour his relief. Wherefore I accosted him, pretend­ing I had seen him somewhere, but could not for the present call to mind the place. His necessity made him assent to whatever I said; and defiring his company to an Ale-house, he readily granted my request. By what unhappy accident he became thus miserable, I know not, but the man was well furnisht both with natural and acquir'd parts. Ha­ving had various discourses of several matters, and that we began to be familiarly acquainted, I askt him why he rapt himself up so close in his Cloak? O Sir, said he, (to be plain) I have a maim'd Doub­let, and I have heard some say, there is nothing more prejudicial to a wound than the intromission of Air; which that Network garment of yours (said I) will never be able to keep out. He replyed, 'Tis true, Sir, I find it so, but I wish it were a Net, for then I might employ my self by fishing.

[Page 237] I was so well pleased in my new acquain­tance, that (bidding him stay there till my re­turn, which should be speedy) I went and pro­cured him all things necessary for to cover his nakedness; the last thing he put on was his Shoes; finding them to have Soals, they added new life to him.

Having thus cast (Colt-like) his ragged Coat, I was not ashamed to walk with him in the streets; coming to the Custom-house we saw several Pipes and Hogsheads of Wine. Viewing all the places be­longing thereunto, said I, Methinks it is no difficult matter to steal one of these Hosheads, had I but assistance. You shall not want mine, Sir, (said he) even to the hazard of my life, which I shall never look on as a sufficient requital for this singular fa­vour you have now conferr'd on me. Having walkt there a while, we went down to a place called La­zy hill, where I found out two or three pure Rogues more, one whereof had a Boat. I informed them of my design; they willingly promised their helping hand, and the time appointed for the effe­cting our intentions, was that night about twelve. Accordingly we all met, and having procured an empty Hogshead, we fill'd it with water, and away we went in the Boat. The tide ebbing had left dry ground underneath the Key, where I planted three of our company, instructing them that assoon as they found the Coast cleer above, they should with slings (which they had for that purpose) leave the Hogshead of water, & exchange it for one of wine; which done, they should march off immediately. I and my new Comerade marcht up the Custom­house [Page 236] [...] [Page 237] [...] [Page 238] stairs, where we encountred with two old Watchmen. They askt us what our business was, we told them we had no other design but to drink with them, having been a little frolicksome the other side the water. The old Watchmen were very joyful at this news, and so giving one of them money to fetch some drink, the other carri­ed me to the Lodge. The drink being come, they minded that so much, they had forgotten their du­ty; & I played them so close with whole ones, that they were incapable of holding one more: in the mean time my Comrogues were gone, pretending our boat was a drift: we took our leaves; Being five of us concerned, we scorned to sell our Wine, but contracting with some to find Sugar, with o­thers Westphalia hams, or such like relishing meats, and with others to be at the expence of Musick, but every one to be at his own charge for Wenches; we never gave over ranting and roar­ing till we had dreined the Hogshead dry.


His Landlady dyeth, and so is left again to live by his wits; his Comerade is hanged, with some hints of his desperate, irreligious, and atheistical tenents.

IN the height of our jollity, word was brought me that my Landlady was dangerously sick, and that she desired to speak with me instantly; thinking it was onely a sit of lecherous and salacious itch, I made no great haste, but at length I went: Assoon as I entred within her doors, I received the sad ty­dings of her death. I ran up stairs (not believing this report, because I would not have it so) but found it too true: viewing her as she lay, I perceived her hand fast clincht: I took it into mine, and wrenching it open, there dropt ten pieces of Gold, which I conceive she intended to have be­stowed on me whilest living, as her last Legacy. I conveyed them privately into my Pocket, and pre­sently made enquiry how she had disposed of her Estate; but I received little or no satisfaction here­in, only to my great vexation, I heard she often to the very last called much upon me.

I stayed not above two or three days in the house, but I was forced to leave it.

I met with my obliged friend, to whom I com­municated my late misfortune: he like an experi­enc'd Stoick counsel'd me to bear my loss patient­ly, [Page 240] since that is below a man to repine at any sublunary casualty, much more to sink under the burden of any vexations cross, or remediless loss. We discoursed what expedient we were best to take, and to encrease our small stocks by some wit­ty exploit. We propounded many things which we approved not of. We thought of turning High­way-men; but I disswaded him from that, by in­forming him that money was very scarce, and that men of 500 l. per annum usually travelled 30 or 40 miles with a single Cob, or piece of eight, not so much for fear of robbing as for want of Coyn; and that is the reason that all sorts of provision are ve­ry cheap, because there is so great a scarcity of that should purchase them. Why then said he, there is mony enough in the Exchequer. But said I, it is so difficult to come at, that I will not hazard my life in the attempt. Hearing me speak in this man­ner, he lookt upon me in derision: saying, That fear was a passion unworthy to be lodg'd in the Soul of man, and that there is nothing here which a man either should or need to fear, Secundum Religionem Stoici: And that man deserved not the fruition of the least happiness here, that would not, rather then go without it, venture his neck.

We had so hot a contest about this, that we par­ted in anger, and never saw him afterwards till I heard of his condemnation, which was occasioned by the prosecution of what he propounded to me. Two or three more besides himself combined to rob the Exchequer, but were apprehended in the enterprize, committed, arraigned at the Bar, con­victed and condemned. Hearing hereof, I gave him a visit in Prison; expressing much sorrow for [Page 241] what he was to suffer: but he onely laught at me for my pains. I des [...]'d him to be more serious, since three dayes would put a period to his life; and then he must give an account of what he had done on earth, and that though we might sooth up our selves in all manner of debauchery here, yet with­out cordial repentance we must suffer for it here­after, Prethee, said he, do not trouble thy head with such idle fancies, and so break out into A­theistical mocks and expostulations, not fit to be mentioned; and would have proceeded, but I de­sir'd him to desist.

Now his prophane and irreligious discourse did so bore my glowing ears, that notwithstanding the wickedness of my own nature, I could not en­dure to hear him blaspheme; wherefore instead of endeavouring to rectifie his erroneous judge­ment, (for to speak the truth, my knowledg at that time was but slender in the doctrine of Christiani­ty) I say I durst not discourse longer, but left him to his own Conscience for conviction, which I judg'd would be powerful with him at the place of Execution.

The day being come, I resolved to see the final end of my friend. And there did I enjoy the fruits of my hopes and wishes. For as soon as the Halter was about his neck he roared so loud with his voice, that it could not but awake the most lethar­gick conscience that ever the Devil lull'd asleep. There I might see and know by the urinal of his eyes, and the water standing therein, what con­vulsion fits his soul suffer'd, his own mouth con­fessing how greivously his diseased soul was stret­ched [Page 142] upon the rack of despair: then it was that the voluminous Registers of his conscience, which did formerly lye claps'd in some unsearcht corner of his memory, were laid open before him, and the Devil, who hitherto gave him the lessening end of the prospect to survey his licentious courses and damned opinion, now turned the magnifying end to his eye, which made him cry out at last for mercy and so was turn'd off.


He passeth for a'Batchellor, Courts several under the pretence of Marrying them, by which he perswades some out of their Maiden-heads; others out of their Money, with which he goes for England; At Chester he cheats his Lanllord, where having all things re­quisite to compleat an High way-man, followeth that trade, he is met with by some of that gang, who intend­ing to rob him he discovers his intentions, and they admit of him into their society.

BEing left now to shift for my self, having lost the main prop that sustain'd me in all conditi­ons, husbanding well the advantage of this contrary wi [...]d, I presen [...]y set the engine of my brain to work, and thus it was; I addrest my self to Court­ship. [Page 143] Beauty was not the mark I aimed, the purchase thereof producing little profit, since it self is most commonly the sole reward; neither can a man attain to it but by great expence outvy­ing all therein, least any interpose. Either wealthy and aged widdows, or thrifty Maids, who had laid up what they had gotten in Service as a bait to procure an Husband, such did I daily hunt out and visit by turns. I was not sparing of amo­rous expressions, showing therein the height of zeal, by which means I deluded several. Some I was forced to give earnest to for their Goods before they would trust me with what they had. This course I followed till I was generally taken notice of for a grand deceiver. Having now gotten a round sum of money by me, I borrowed where ever I could, so crossing S. Georges Channel, in twenty four hours I landed at Chester. I took up my quarters in a very graceful Inn, and gave out immediately that I had an hundred head of Cattel ooming. The Master of the house taking notice of my extraordinary Garb, and believing the report which I had caus'd to be spread abroad, lodg'd me with much respect in one of the best Chambers of his house.

The Wind favoured my design as much as I could desire, for it blew East-North-East, by which no Shipping could come out of Ireland. One day I came to my Landlord, and telling him that by rea­son of the non arrival of my Cattel, I was disappoin­ted of Moneys, and therefore I desired him to lend me ten pounds and he should satisfie himself in the first choice of the best of my beasts when they [Page 244] came, and swore to him I would perform my pro­mise to him upon the word of a Gentleman. So that without any scruple he lent me the money. Be­ing Market day I bought an excellent Gelding with Fur [...]iture thereunto belonging, with Sword and Pistols, and in this Equipage mounted, I taking my leave of my credulous Landlord, without speaking a word to him. I had not r [...]d far before three well mounted rid by me, (I found them af­terwards to be the Van-guard) having as many more in the Rear. At the bottome of an Hill they before faced about, and bidding me stand, those in the Rear reinforc'd the Van. One of them clap­ping a Pistol at my breast, commanded me forth­with to deliver, Sweraing three or four full mouth'd Oaths. I saw it was now to little purpose to re­sist although I was so well arm'd, and therefore endeavou [...]ed a conquest some other way, viz. by smooth expressions. Gentlemen (said I) ye are all mistaken; neither do I greatly wonder thereat, since I verily belie [...]e ye are fresh men, men of a days standing in the study of this noble Science otherwise you might have distinguisht me from an honest man; for I think in thi [...] Garb and po­sture, I look as suspitiously as any of ye; onely I think I take a better course when ye to avoid apprehension, and [...]eap to my self greater satis­faction. For ye rob in companies, and if any one be taken his just fears frequently betray him­self, but of [...]ner the rest to destruction: whereas I robbing singly. I rob securely. Now Sirs [...]eely examine my Pockets, where finding store of Coyn, they demanded how I came by it? I [Page 245] invented a lye to their general satisfaction; which was, I had met with a Booty a little before I met with them, which was the occasion of my being so well furnisht, but that which confirm'd them most was my be [...]ng so well provided with Pistols in my Holsters, Pockets and Boots. Instead of doing what they intended, they were then of another opinion, and all of them carest me in a very high manner; resolving to be merry at the next Inn, and there to admit me as a Brother,

Having set up their Horses, they went into a Room before, whil'st I stayed sometime after for the benefit of easing nature; coming in among them I thought my self mistaken in my company, & made a proffer to go out again; but they laughing heartily called me back. I knew not one person, for they had pull [...]d off their false Beards, Vizards, Hoods, Patches, Wens, Mufflers and Perriwigs, together with those other disguises that obscured the natural proportion of their faces, so that they appear'd as other men. Come said the cheif (as I guest him to be by the sway he bore over the rest) you are a freshman, and therefore want some of our instructions, which in due time you shall receive from us. In the first place it is fit that you take an Oath which every young Theif must observe that is admitted into the Brother-hood, or at his investa­tion into the honour of one of the Knights of the Road: which was to this effect, First, they read a charge of sec [...]ecy, that what ever misf [...]ortune happened to cloud their freedom by rendring them as an object to Justice and the Law, they should concea [...] their Complices to the death, or [Page 246] against any other jeopardy whatsoever, burying in oblivion not only his Confederates, but also his manner of entrance into this way.

And further, they proceeded to swear me, that if the Judges should press me to a discovery of particulars, that then I must cunningly create some men in my fancy, devising not only Names, but to each man a particular feature, describing their sta­ture, complexion and age, as also their dwelling place. Still provided that the place of their abode be far enough off. And then before enquiry be made, the danger of the tryal may be over or past: and then again this pretended discovery may pur­chase favour from the Bench.

Further, if I should be examined, why, and how I fell into these courses, I must then tell them that I was born a Gentleman, and well educated, but being a younger brother, I had not where withal allowed me for a subsistance, and rather then I would live beneath my birth, or disparage the stock from whence I came (here fetching a deep sigh and looking very sadly) necessity constraining me to supply my wants, I fell into these wicked courses, which will make them think you are some misled young man whom temptations had drawn aside, and so cause them to take pity of your condi­tion; and if their mercy extend to the remission of your guilt, it shall not only rest you from the pu­nishment of the Law, but from the persecution of your past evils.

By this means we may have liberty to fall to our old courses; nor must conscience trouble us but dispence with every impiety, and glory in the [Page 247] greatest iniquities, counting him most honour­able who is grown the oldest, and most exquisite, experienced Practitioner of all manner of vice. Much more was committed to my memory for future observation, which for brevity sake I shall omit.


Some Instructions given me by our Grand master Thief.

AFter I was sworn, and full bowls of Sack had trou [...]d round, our grand Master Thief, composing his Countenance, and looking very gravely, Come my new and young Knight of the Road, be ruled by me whose long experience makes me able to comma [...]d, and my love to you willing to instruct you. Ever lurk or lie in some by-place most advantagious and least suspitious which yields the eye the prospect of the Road so strictly view the Booties, that other mens missor­tunes may enrich your condition, and the honest mans loss be your gain; and be sure you draw eve­ry advantage that may promote your cause to the longest extent. For your Masks and Chin cloth, thus must you place them and fit them at a mo­ment to disguise your faces, thereby to blind the intellects of such as by constraint pay tribute to [Page 248] your wants who then can know and with confide­rate heed directly swear you are the man, when these artificial vizards are withdrawn, and so the visible tokens vanish that might inform mens know­ledge, what you are, and that your words may have a different sound alter your voice, that so as your habit, face, and haire obscure your discovery; your speech (reputed undisguiseable) will add to your concealment and security.

Be sure you ingeniously contrive a Watch-word to your selves that may occasion no suspition; as we are like to have a fair day or a foul, according as the weather is like to prove, which being nam'd let every man fall to his work, those that are stron­gest at the grasp, and have hearts accordingly, let them seize first, alwayes duly observing this, to catch the bridle by the left hand, and with the right draw your Sword. If he or they resist, the one pre­vents his flight, the other cuts, and so cools his courage. The weaker sorts charge is to bid stand, and confronting the Horses head, present a Pistol fit for to discharge. If they deny delivering pati­ently what they have, but contend, you must wave all nicetie, but cut them soundly; if that will not qualifie their foolish presumption, be sure you fire not without doing Execution, and then with what speed fly, after you have with expedition taken the pillage of the field.

If you are pursu'd by an Hue and Cry, obscure your self in some place or other, and let it pass by you, and then to be sure it will never overtake you, If a prize comes by, or in your sight, if up the Hill meet him, if down follow close at the heels, [Page 249] and having more in company then your self, let each man single out his choice which he likes to deal with, the coast being clear fall up all to your close order and side, be sure that you joyntly seize your prize. But here observe let not any baseness of spirit unman you. For (speaking to me) nature hath bestow'd on you the full proportion of limbs, and seem'st a man of courage, suitable to the large­ness of thy manly size, but be not surpriz'd with fear or cowardise if the affailed boldly assaults thee.

Full fraught with the Documents which I re­ceiv'd from my old experienced Master, I resolv'd upon some atcheivement: between two and three in the afternoon I my self with four more set out; we planted our selves in a convenient place, only I was sent out for a discoverer, not rightly under­standing my trade I wandered too far, but in my digression I met with a single person whom I bid stand, which he would have done, and as willingly have surrendred his purse, but that he was mount­ed on a stone-horse, I on a Mare. Assoon as I had given the word his stone-horse wheel'd off and came in the rear of me, I thinking he intended to crupper me, endeavoured all wayes imaginable to prevent him, for there was something it seems un­der my Mares tail more powerful, which at that time I dreamt not of, I led him round and round several times circularly, the poor harmless Gen­tleman fearing he should provoke me too much by delays, the unruliness of his Horse hindring my seising the Booty, cry'd out worthy Sir, take what I have and spare my life, at that very instant his [Page 250] Horse reared his two fore feet upon me and my Mare, in so much that I thought he said, I'le take both Life and Money too presently; fear had then rendred me so incapable of performing the office or a Thief. With that I put spurs to my Mare, and flew through the air for the procuration of my safety. Notwithstanding I made what speed I could, the other was close at my heels, striving and kick­ing with both my legs, one of my Pistols went off in my Pocket, the apprehension of the present dan­ger had bereft me of the true use of my sense, for I imagined that my back friend had discharged at me, which made me roar out for quarter. He on the contrary concluded I fought Tartar like flying and that I had fired it at him, which made him with much eagerness eccho out with repetition this expression, As you are a man, shew your self merciful. Sometimes he would say for heavens sake hold, good Sir stop, which made me ride more furiously, think­ing he called to the Country, hold him, stop him; at last do what I could, his Stone-horse leapt up upon us, at that instant (by what means I know not) we all came headlong to the ground. I ex­pected how that my imaginary adversary would be upon me, and cut my throat before I could re­cover my legs, wherefore I started up and found my mortal foe up before me and upon the run. I could have hang'd my self to think I should be reckoned among the number of men, and yet want that spirit and courage which compleats a man; but loosing no time I pursu'd him, and easily made my self possessor of what he had; Sirrah said I, if e're I meet thee again, and find thee so obstinate, or [Page 251] durst resist, as now thou hast done I will tye thee to a Tree in some obscure place, where none can hear thy doleful cryes, and there for six days thou shall have no other food but what I shall bring thee, Once a day during that term I will visit thee, and each days Meat shall be either a peice of thine own Sword broken into small bits, or those Bullets (which thou intendest for the destruction of honest men) dissolv'd and mingled with Gunpowder, which shall be convey'd to thy mouth through the muzzle of thine own Pistol. It pleased me exceeding­ly to see how pitifully and submissively he look't, for verily I durst not have utter'd half so much if he had shown an austre countenance.

As I was framing a lye to delude my Comerades (when I should meet them) into a beleif how vali­ant I was, and dextrous in prosecution of that design I had newly undertaken, I lookt about me and saw them all at my elbow. I now believ'd (which I easi­ly perceiv'd by their flearing looks) that they were all eye-witnesses of my dangerous encounter. Oh brother, said one, how i'st, are you well? I askt him the reason of his impertinent question? Because, said he, we took notice of the great danger you were in even now, narrowly escaped of being shot by a Pocket Inkhorn. Without doubt, brother, you are very heard hearted to fly (riding full speed) at the very naming of, Good Sir be merciful, The poor harm­less soul making frequent repetition thereof, but you stopping your ears from all intreaties, his Stone horse seem'd to be his advocate, and to that intent ran after your Mare, endeavouring to court her in­to an intercession for his Master,

[Page 232] I should never have stopt their mouths had I not shew'd them what I had gotten, which was not in­considerable.

It was twy-light as we met with another Prize, which was of a different temper from the former. For though he and his fellow traveller were (com­paratively to any of us) but Pigmies, yet of so un­daunted resolution and unresistable courage, that neither threats of death, or torture (I am con­fident) could dull the edges of their couragious spi­rits, which might be in part understood by their deportment to us, for had we not slasht, carbo­nadoed, and forceably bound them, rather then they would have yeilded willingly, they would have stoopt to death. Our power having subdued them, we withdrew them into a secret place, leaving them not any thing valuable. Then did I learn to search with so strickt care, that sooner might the Grand Turk turn Roman Catholick then conceal a penny from me; here was I taught to be deaf when the poor Traveller cries he is undone; and to be more flinty then Adamant, not to be mov'd with sighs or tears. Having ingag'd them by Oath not to follow us by Hue and Cry, or by means of a general rising of the Towns adjacent; these two fellows robbed, rifled and amazed, we left wrapt up in woes, and hasted away to secure our selves.

I shall conclude this Chapter with a Relation how I was quit with my Comrades upon the ac­count of fear or timorousness. Neither could they justly tax me with it, since they are things c [...]tail'd upon the profession. For every Crow that flies ex­tracts [Page 253] a fear, and every thing that doth but stir, or make the bushes rush, seemb'd to our fearful fancy a Constable to apprehend us for our Theft. I cannot forget how strong a confusion arose amongst us by a triffle, the means were so small, and the occasion so ridiculous, that when after I thought thereon (though by my self) I could not forbear laughing excessively, & condemn the t [...]merity of such minds so meanly spirited. 'Twas thus in short, An Owle who to gain thelter from the troubles of a Sun­shine day, when all the aire tribe (wandring) flock to him, screen'd himself in the obscure retired resi­dence of an hollow tree; no sooner had he cloister'd up himself, but between discontent & something of a pleasing satisfaction he first utter'd his amazing screeks, being in a slumber, and dreaming of the assaults were made at him by his feather'd enemies, of all sorts, and then again awaking, whoopt for joy that he was delivered from them; thus did he whoop and hollow incessantly, which infus'd such a terrour into our distrustful minds, that Whips Swiches, and Spurs were all too few to expedite our hast. For we absolutely thought those Hollows were the out-cryes of the Country following us for what we had committed. We at length took Sanctu­ary in an Inn, where we had some interest and con­fidence in our security.

Understanding that our days work had been prosperous, our Host calls lustily for Sack, which the drawer doubles in the Bar, the Hostler must be one of our company too, and hail fellow with us, who knowing what courses we take, presume we dare not cavil, lest they betray our practises. Sic [Page 254] nos non nobis. So we rob for them, and not for our selves; for by that time we have prosusely frolickt (a bill whereof shall be brought in of twice as much as we called for) and have bestowed our largesses to the Servants, and offer'd up our (expected) sa­crifices to our Landlady, or her Daughter for some private favour received, we find our selves to have the least share, and so betake our selves to our trade [...]ill apprehension take from us that liberty, and the Law sentenceth us to pay our lives as a just debt we owe to Justice.


Scouring the Road, he lights on a Farmers house which he intended to rob, but desists from that resolution, fal­ling in Love with his Daughter, who was exceeding beautiful; gets her with Child, under the pretence of Marriage, but afterwards refusing it, She and her Pa­rents tax him with the undoing of the young Woman; whereupon he leaveth them, giving them no other sa­tisfaction then what they could gather out of a Copy of Verses he sent them.

RIding along the Road I met with a young Girl with a Milk-Pail on her head, but I was amaz'd to see such perfection in one mortal face; I rid up to her very near, purposely to entertain some discourse with her, introductory to a future [Page 255] acquaintance, considering the ground you may imagine the questions I propounded to this pretty Rural Innocent were fr [...]volous enough; as, which was the readiest way to such a place, &c. which with much respect and modest confidence she re­solv'd; she opening a gate to milk her Cows, I followed, and tying my horse to an hedge I beg'd her an excuse for being so rude and beseecht her charitable opinion of my present actions, assuring her I would not offer the least injury nor prejudice to her chastity. Being over-perswaded with my protestations and vows to that purpose, she admit­ted me to sit down and discourse with her whilest she performed the office of a Milk-maid. I could hardly contain my self within bounds when I viewed her pretty little hand stroking the Duggs. which indeed had so heightned my amorous passion, that I soon forgot my Oaths and Promises, but after some dalliance, what by intreaties and love perswasions, and what by cor­poreal strength I obtained my desires. We then grew somewhat more familiar, but the burden of the Song was, I had undone her; let him that reads judge the truth thereof. We con­cluded at length that she should go home to her Fathers house, and that near night I would come thither likewise, according to the time appointed, as if I had never seen her before, and that I ca­sually rid that way for information in the steering of my course regularly in the prosecution of my journey.

She subtilly goes in and acquaints her Father and Mother that there was a Gentleman (witl [...]) [Page 256] whom by his countenance, garb and jesture, shew'd himself no less; that fearing to travel farther, being night, knowing not the way, desir'd to rest himself there till morning. With much respects from her Parents to her own great satisfaction (which I dis­cern'd in her eyes) I was kindly entertain'd, and nobly treated. That night we intended to be bet­ter acquainted by the renovation of our late enjoy­ments; but our unlucky Starrs were impropitious to our amorous designs Next morning I seem'd to be very ill, that I might have some pretence for my staying, which I acquainted the Daughter with­al, the old people were very loving and courteous, so that as soon as they heard thereof, With much pitty they visited me, and with as much care they provided what was necessary for me. I offer'd them money, shewing good store of Gold that they might have the better esteem of me. Thus I lay for at least a fortnight; several Doctors had been with me, but none knew my distemper. All this while I nightly had the society of my fresh Country Mistress, who deviated from the common customes of her Sex, did not coyish­ly refuse that which was the center of her hopes wishes and desires. Fearing least I might be suspe­cted I left off counterfeiting and shew'd them some recovery of my strength, When at any time the good old people would come into my Chamber to sit with me, the main subject of my discourse would be the resentments of their favours, and that if I liv'd I would gratefully repay them. Being re­stor'd to my former heathful condition, I one day told them I could never recompence their love and [Page 257] care of me but by marrying their Daughter, whom I told them I loved most affectionately. Her Pa­rents made many excuses, As that she was but a poor Country Girle and the like, but glad I per­ceived they were to hear such an overprized moti­on. Enquiries I made in a Neighbouring Town what this farmer was, whom I understood by all to be very wealthy, and that time was not more careful to furnish him with silver Hairs, then he industrious to maintain them by the procuration of a plen [...]iful Estate: My wanton was his only Darling, for whom he furrowed the surface of the Earth, and for whom he chose rather to sell then to eat his better sort of Provision, that he might add to her Portion. It was now, he thought he had well bestowed his labour, since he had met with such a blessed opportunity wherein he should add Gentility to his Daughters riches. O the slaughter of Piggs, Geese Capons, which as to some Idol were Sacrifices diurnally, offered to procure my favour! And as he was liberal in his Food, so was not I sparing in the sending for Wine, six Dozen of Bottles at a time: So that the Old man was brough to this pass, that he cared not whether he spent his Estate on me or gave it; and that young Girl, so well pleased with her imaginary Paradise here, that I am confident she would never have been induced to have exchanged this for any other on equal terms. Inexpressable was our satisfaction on all hands, but nothing gave them greater content then to see us together, by which we had as many opportuni­ties as we listed. My main aim was still to know [Page 258] of my young Mistress what store of Coyn her Fa­ther had, and where it lay, but to my great greif and vexation she told me he had not five pound within doors, having lately bought a purchase. I now thought it was to little purpose to stay lon­ger, since I could not glean from her Fathers har­vest, though I had reapt the crop of her Mothers la­bour, and so resolved to be going, but not without one nights solemn leave taking of her; The night being come, she purposely stayed up till all the rest were gone to bed. But we being too impru­dently hasty in the Kitchin, stumbled against two Barrels piled one on the other, and fell; and we both were so intangled, that we could not digsinage our selves so soon, but that her Father came out crying, In the name of Goodness what is the matter? And groping about caught me by the naked breech. Seeing there was no remedy, I desired him to be silent; and not spread his Daughters disgrace, if so, I would make her shortly a recompence. The old man was very much perplext, and could not forbear telling his Wife of what had past. They both cryed out that their Daughter was undone; The Daughter was in the same tone, unless I would spe­dily marry her.

I stayed afterwards about some three dayes to colour the matter, and at last marcht off incognito, sending her twenty peices of Gold, and a Coppy of Verses, which as too plain and pertinent to the sweet Treatments had past between us we shall at present here omit.


From this Farmers house he rides he cared not whither. On the Road he is strangely surprized by a Woman rob­ber in Mans apparrel; He discovers it by unbutton­ing her Breeches to search for private Pockets within. They two conclude a perpetual Friend-ship.

A Bruptly takeing my leave of the Farmer and his loving Daughter, I rid a long time but met with none worthy of my taking Cognizance; being wearied I struck into an Inn, and by that time I had throughly refresht my self, the evening, began to approach. Whereupon I mounted and so put on; Passing by a small Coppice in a bot­tom between two Hills, a Gentleman (as I then supposed) well armed, and handsomely accoutred, started out upon me, and bid me deliver instantly. Hearing him say so, I told him if he would have but the patience I would; and with that drew out a Pocket Pistol and fired it at him, without doing any execution. If you are for a little sport [Page 260] (said the Gentleman) I shall show you some in­stantly; whereupon drawing a Pistol he shot me into the leg; having so done, with his Sword (which hung ready at his wrist) neatly at a blow he cut the reins of my bridle, so that I was not able to guide my Horse. But he being good at command and used to the charge, with the wind­ing of my body, I gave him to understand what he was to do. Come Sir, said my adversary, have you enough yet? In faith Sir, said I, I'le exchange but one Pistol more, and if that prove insuccessful I shall submit to your mercy; Whereupon I shot but missed my mark; however I killed his Horse, which instantly fell, my Gentleman was so nimble that before I could think what to do, he had sheathed his sword in my Horses belly, which made me come tumbling down too with a Horse­pox, Once more said my Antagonist, we are upon equal terms, and since the obscurity of the place gives us freedom, let us try our courages, one must fall. And thereupon with his Sword (which was for cut and thrust) he made a full pass at my bodie, but putting it by I closed in with him and upon the Hug threw him with much facility, I wondered much at it, which I need not have done since his nature (as afterwards I under­stood) was so prone to it. Having him down, now, Sir, said I, I shall teach you to be careful on whom you set, you have as imprudently under­taken this enterprize as a Pickeroon did once, who seeing a Man of War high built, and but few men aboard her discoverable, her Port-holes being like­wise fast, clapt her aboard imediately, thinking [Page 261] she had been a Merchantman, but they found th contrary, the deck being instantly filled with men that were below, and running out her Guns there could be no wisdom in resistance. Wherefore now Sir yeild, or I shall compel you; with much re­luctancy he did. With cords I had ready for that purpose, I tyed both his hands and feet, and so fell to riffling him. Unbuttonning his Doublet to find whether there was no Gold quilted therein, I won­dered to see a pair of Breasts so unexspectedly grea­ter and whiter then any mans; but being intent a­bout my business that amazement vanisht from my thoughts. Then did I come to his breeches (which I laid open) my curious search omitted not any place wherein I might suspect the concleament of moneys, at last proffering to remove his shirt from between his legs, he suddenly cryed out (and strove to lay his hand there, but could not) I beseech you Sir be civil, said he: I imagining that some notable Treasure lay there obscured, I puled up his shirt (a­lias Smock) and found my self not much mi­staken.

The sight so surpriezed me as if I had been converted into a Statue by the head of a Gorgon, but after a little pause, I hastily unbound her, and taking her in my Armes, Pardon me most coura­gious Amazon, (said I) for thus rudely deal­ing with you it was nothing but ignorance that caused this errour; for could my dim-sighted soul have diffinguisht what you were; the great­ness of love and respect I bear your Sex would have deterred me from contending with you. But I esteem this my ignorance, my greatest [Page 262] happiness, since knowledge in this case would have deprived me of the benefit of knowing there could be so much Prowe [...] in a Woman. For your sake I shall ever retain (since you have restored it) a good esteem of the worst of Females. She beg'd me not to be too tedious in my expressions, nor pump for eloquent phrases alleadging this was no proper place to make Orations in. But if you will enlarge your self, let us go to a place not far distant from this, better known but to few besides my self, I liked her advice very well, and returning what I had taken from her, I followed it, by following her through divers obscure passages till we came to a Wood, wherein a place the Sun had not seen since the first deluge, stood an House. At our approach the Servants were all in a hurry who should first o­bey Mrs. Viragos commands, for they all knew her being no way estranged to her disguise, but won­dered to see St. George, and his trusty Esquire on foot, neither durst they show themselves inquisi­tive presently: with much respect we were con­ducted into a very stately room, where embracing each other, we knit an indissolvable tye of frind­ship.


After Supper they enter in Discourse, wherein she giveto him a short account of her Life, and the cause of her undertaking such an extravagant and dangerous course; relating how notably she revenged her self on her Husband for his unworthy and base carriage to­wards her

HAving refresht our selves with what the House afforded, and Bottles and Pipes had supplied the place of Dishes; we dialogu'd as famillarly, as if our acquaintance had bore equal date with our nativities. And now it was she laid her self open to me, not concealing any thing, having before made my self acquainted with her greatest Secret. Frankly she called for Bottles of Wine, which we smartly drank together, out of Beer-glasses, had not Supper been speedily provided, which required a cessation for some time, I should not have been in a condition to discern the Dish, nor him that brought it to the Table. Having taken some rep [...]st I began to be refresht, she not in the least disturb­ed all this while.

[Page 264] I prest her to tell me what she was, and what manner of life she led. Sir, said she, I cannot de­ny your request, wherefore to satisfie you, know that I was the Daughter of a Sword Cut [...]er. In my younger days my Mother would have taught me to handle a Needle: but my Martial spirit gain-said all perswasions to that purpose. I could never endure to be among the Uten­sils of the Kitchin, but spent most of my time in my Fathers shop, taking wonderful de­light in handling those Warlike Instruments, to take a Sword in my hand well mounted and brandish it, was reckoned by me among the chief of my recreations. Being about a douzen years of age I studyed all wayes ima­ginable how I might make my self acquainted with a Fencing-Master,. Time brought my desires to their complement, for such a one as I wisht for, casually came into our Shop to have his blade furnisht, and Fortune so ordered it there was none to answer him but my self Having given him that satisfaction he desired, though not expecting it from me: Amongst o­ther talke I demanded of him whither he was not a Professor of the Noble Science? (for I guest so much by his Postures, Looks, and ex­pressions.) He told me he was a well willer thereunto; being glad of this oppertunity, de­siring him to conceal my intentions, I requested him the favour as to give me some instructi­ons how I should mannage a Sword: at first he seemed amazed at my proposal, but per­ceiving I was in earnest, he granted my peti­tion, [Page 265] allotting me such a time to come to him as was most convenient. I became so expert at Back-sword and Single-Rapier in a short time, that I needed not his assistance any longer: My Parents not in the least mistrusting any such thing.

I shall wave what Exploits I did by the help of a disguise, and only tell you that when I arrived to fifteen years of age an Inn-Keeper Married me, and carried me into the Country. For two years we lived very peace­ably and comfortably together, but at length the insolent and imperious temper of my Hus­band made me begin to show my Natural humour Once a week we seldom mist of a Combat between us, which freequently proved so sharp, that it was well if my Husband came off with a single broken pate, by which means the gaping wounds of our discontents and differences being not presently salved up they became in a manner incurable.

I never was much inclined to love him, because he was of a mean, dastardly spirit, and ever hated that a Dunghill-Cock should tread a Hen of the Game. Being stinted likewise of Money, my life grew altogether comfortless, and I lookt on my condition as insupportable, Wherefore as the only remedy or expedient to mitigate my vexatious troubles, I contrived a way how I might somtimes take a Purse; I judged this resolution safe enough, (if I were not taken in the very fact) for who could suspect me to be a Robber, wearing abroad upon such [Page 266] designs mans Apparel, but at home onely that which was suitable and agreable to my own Sex. Besides, none could have better en­couragement and conveniency then my self; for, keeping an Inn who is more proper to have in custody what charge my Guests brought into my house then my self; or if committed to my Husbands tutelage, I could not fail to inform my self of the richness of the Booty. Moreover, the Hostess is the Person whose company is most de­sired, before whom they are no wayes scrupulous to relate which way they are going, and fre­quently what the affair was that led them that way.

Courage I knew I wanted not, (be you my impartial Judge, Sir) what then could hinder me from being succesful in such an enter­prize. Being thus resolved (I soon procured necessary Habilliments) for these my contri­vances, and never miscarried in any of them till now. Instead of going to Market, or ri­ding five or six miles about such a business, (the usual pretences with which I blinded my Husband) I would when out of sight ride a contrary road to this House (wherein we now are) and here Metamorphose my self, and be­ing fitted at all points Pad uncontroulably, coming off allwayes most Victoriously. Not long since my Husband had about one hundred pounds due to him some twenty Miles from his habitation, and designed such a day for its reception, Glad I was to hear of this, re­solving now to be revenged of him for all [Page 267] those injuries and churlish outrages be had committed against me, I knew very well which way he went, and knew the time of his com­ing home; wherefore I way-laid him at his return. And happliy as I would have it, he did not make me wait above three hours for him. I let him pass me, knowing that by the swiftness of my Horse I could easily overtake him, and so I did, riding with him a mile or two before I could do my intended business. At last (looking about me) I saw the coast clear on every side; Wherefore ri­ding up close to him, and laying hold of his Bridle, I clapt a Pistol to his breast, command­ing him to deliver, or he was a dead man. My imperious Don seeing death before his face, had like to have saved me the labour by dying vo­luntarily without compulsion, and so amazed at his suddain surprizal, that he lookt like an Appa­rition, or one lately risen from the dead. Sirrha (said I) be quick: but a dead Palsie had so served every part of him, that his eyes were incapable of directing his hands to his Pocket. But I soon re­called his lost spirits by two or three smart blown with the flat of my Sword, which so awakened him out of that deep Lethargy he was in, that with much submissiveness he delivered me his mo­neys. After I had dismounted him and cut the Reins of his Bridle and Girts, I basted him sound­ly, till that I had made jelly of his bones, and that his flesh lookt like Egyptian Mummy. Mow you Rogue (said I) I am even with you, have a care the next time how you strike a woman (your wife [...] [Page 268] mean) for none but such as dare not fight a man will lift up his hand against a weaker vessel. Now you see what it is to provoke them, for if irritated too much they are restless till they have accomplisht their satisfactory revenge, I have a good mind to end thy wicked courses with thy life, but that I am loath to be hanged for nothing, such a worthless man. Farewell, this money shall serve me to purchase Wine to drink healths to the confusion of such Rascally and mean spirited things; and so I left him.

She was a bout to have proceeded in such agreea­ble relations of her rencounters, when word was brought her up two Gentlemen below desired to speak with her, craving my excuse she went down and in a little time returned with them: She made an Apology to me for so doing, ading that if she had committed a crime herein, my future knowledg of those persons would extenuate it. By their effemi­nate countenances I could not miss of judging right­ly what they were, viz. Females. After several dis­courses we grew so familiar, that the longest conti­nued friendship could not boast of more freedom.

Having talkt and drank our selves weary, we con­cluded to lye all in one chamber, there being two beds, what our Nocturnal passages were, I'le give the Reader leave to imagine.


Here he relates (modestly) what satisfaction he re­ceived from his new Female acquaintance, and what oc­casioned the two last income Amazons to attempt the hazardous enterprizes of the High Pad, with their Cha­racter and course of Life.

THough Melancholly Night had drawn her sable curtains about our Hemisphere, yet the cover­led of our Opticks was not yet laid down to admit our active senses to their usual rest and repose, ob­scured darkness had every where proclaimed silence about us on penalty of distracted incomposedness; yet we feared not the breach of those binding Laws, by breaking our minds to each other interchange­ably. My conquered foe (now my new friend) first began to relate to her old associates the rise of our late rencounter and the success, which she exprest with so much life and ingenuity, that they knew not which to value most, her wit, or my courage; but when she came to relate the manner of the discovery of her sex, so petulant and facetious was her dis­course, that it occasioned a great deal of laughter and mirth among us. Having throughly discourst [Page 270] varieties, for further diversion one of these late Incommers undertook to give us a summary of her Comerades (or Sisters) being therewith inter­mixt; now I must give her leave to tell her own Tale.

Sir, (for to you I apply my discourse particular­ly, being wholly ignorant of what these two insepa­rable Companions of mine well understand) I shall not trouble your ear with any thing then what is absolutely necessary: laying aside there­fore superfluous Preambles, let me tell you I was the eldest Daughter of a Vintner in London, a man lookt on so wealthy, that he was called upon for Alderman, having no more children then a Son, my Self, and this my dear Sister, my Metamorpho­sed follower. My Brother I think was begat out of degenerate Wine, and that made him so degenerate from Virtue and a good Spirit; a hot firery fellow, always on the fret, till his Cask or Carcass was pier­ced; and so I leave him as I found him, an empty, Hogsheard.

This obstacle being removed (the Remora to our [...]air promising Fortune) none were more extold and courted for Wealth and Beauty (rare­ly seen together) then my Sister and self; men of all sizes, both of Wit, Estate and Stature, daily frequented my Fathers House, pretending they came for the goodness of Wine there vended, till they had got an interest in our acquaintance, and then they unmask their meaning. Several over­tures were made to our Parents, who like good domestick Polititians, seemed to like, too incou­rage them to continue coming for their expence [Page 271] sake; frequently they bespake Dinners, vying who should exceed in prodigallity, thinking there­by to gain esteem, while the old Fox did but laugh at them in private for their pains My Mother had her trade at her fingers ends; for when she would oblidge any of them to any treaty, it was but calling him Son, or Sirrah you are a wag, my Benjamin must have the largest Portion, &c. By this means she chained them to the house, and to engage them the more, permitted us to bear them company; but fearing least we might glut our Idolators by too long staying (for we sooner sur­feit on delicates then courser fare) our Mother would call us, pretending present business, and would then supply the place her self; then would they charge afresh, till they had blinded one ano­ther. I must needs say, my Mothers company was deservingly desireable: for though she had past her ages AEquinox, yet her beauty appeared but a very little declining. In her youthful dayes she was the wonder of her Sex, and was so gene­rally talkt of among Beauty-hunters, that our Tavern was never empty, and happy was he that could procure the drinking of a glass with her at the Bar, but transported, if they could obtain the favour to have her company in a room: which for profit she sometimes permitted, and somthing else which my Father wincked at gladly, because he could not find the like expedient to enrich him­self. She was comely, tall, and of a beautious blushing brown; her hair proper to her com­plexion, neatly put into curls and folds by Na­ture: Her face was made up of excellent parts; [Page 272] as a quick eye and full; her circled brows graceful and big; her nose not over Ro­man, with a full mouth; the largeness of the lips commendable because plump and red; her dimpled chin (which Nature had drawn, with a wanton touch of her Pensil) did singularly set out her looks most comely. Her neck was round, rising full and fat: her Bodie well fed, not fat; an Italian Don's delight. When any Gentle­men came in, methinks I now see how she leared out of her inticing Italianated eyes, able to con­found a Saint. In short, her hair was enough to enchant you into those mazes, but that her looks were so neer which hooked yours into her eye­balls, full, black and rowling; and when she had you, she held you there. Neither was she a nig­gard of those gifts were so liberally bestowed on her, but communicated a taste thereof to divers for as she was naturally prone to whorishness, so she gave her inclinations the reins, and at last be­came so impudent, that she did frequently that in our sights, which though we understood not being too young, yet forceably drew a blush in­to our tender cheeks. Being in her prime, she gave her self so much libertie, that she was a shame to her sex; there was not any vice that was at­tended either by pleasure or profit, but she would be sharer therein, And now being gulled with shadows and impostures, she drew up the Port­cullis of her heart, and laid the gates thereof wide open to her own ruine. Who would imagine, that a pleasing countenance could harbour villany, or that a smile could set upon the face of mischeif. [Page 273] But herein she shewed her self a Curtezan of the right stamp, that for her own advantage can en­tertain mans appetite with wanton dalliance, but will never make assurance of setled love. When men think themselves most interessed in her, than was it frequently that they were farthest from her. I am somewhat the longer in my Mothers Character, that I might the fuller demonstrate what was the original that I so exactly coppied in the actions of my own life. Did Parents consider how prevalent their wicked examples are with their Issue, they would be less curious to cleanse their houses of dirt and dúst against the comming of their friends, and more careful not to see them hung with vices in the presence of their Children. You see I know the difference between good and evil, because I talk so well though I act so ill. But to proceed; How is it possible the Daughter should be chaste, that can reckon up the adulteries of her Mother, though she be nere so well in breath without a dozen stops or intermissions at the least? Such as are conscious to these faults in o­thers, cannot but be capable of them in themselves The hearing of them told, begets a willingness to try them: the seeing of them done, a wilfulness to do them. She presumed I belive upon our in­discretions as Children perswading her self we had not wit enough to discern it. But alas? she erred in her Cyphers, and was much mistaken in her accounts: for we coming to years, did not stick to do that in her sight which she before would not forbear in ours. And with what face could she re­reprove us.

[Page 274] The crooked wretch must not upbraid the lame,
Nor must the Moor the tawny Indian blame.

Her house did daily swarm with such as pretend­ed more then common kindness to me. Several my Parents approved of as wealthy, and propound­ed them to me whom I only disliked for want of comeliness. One I confess I could have fancied highly for his wit, had not his formation, been so extravagant and preposterous. O the innume­rable quantity of Poetick brats which Pallas like sprang out of his head, and so pestred my Cham­ber that I could hardly sleep for the trampling of their feet: some whereof appear'd so fair unto me from a Father so foul, that I have carried them in my bosome to converse with them among the solitary shades. I protest civility could scarce keep me from laughing outright every time I saw him, his whole composure appear'd to me so ridi­culous. For first his head seem'd to sink down in­to his breast, his eyes staring affrighted at the dan­ger, whilst his mouth continually gaped, as if it intended to cry out for help: his back and breast bunched out as if a wallet stuffed at both ends had hung over his shoulder behind and be­fore. Though extravagant enough, you could not say he showed much waste. Had you seen him on a rainy day, by the length of his leggs (yet of dwarfish stature) you would have thought him mounted on stilts, and wading through the dirt with a boy at his back. Now let me skip over his person, and only tell you how I served him, and [Page 275] then I have done with him. That day I saw him not, I had his representation sent me, which was good diversion, but his presence was insufferable: to the intent therefore that I might be rid of him I sent him these lines,

You are the son of Esop, for I find
Legitimation by your shape and mind;
Deformed ye are alike thence tis thought fit,
That such defects should be supplyed by wit.
Your aspects monstrous foul, yet don't complain,
Your issues fair the product of your brain:
But stay, I must recal my self, for know
My praises are like to your self, too low:
Troth when I veiw you well my fancy must
Imagine you much like a Capon trust.
Or like Sir Hudibras, nick-named All-feather,
Or like one tyed both neck and heels together:
Nor do not think Pygmean Sir that I,
Will fall in love with meer deformity;
Then court some Succubus, a fiend will be
A fitter match: so think no more on me.

These lines so nettled him, that having belcht out some execrations against me and our sex, I ne­ver hard more of him. To be short there was none could get any interest in me, but our Head-drawer, a neat flaxen-hair'd dapper fellow; so passionately we loved one the other, that we could not forbear holding some private correspondence at nights. My Father at length suspecting us turned away his man, whose absence I could not brook, and therefore resolved to follow after, [Page 276] which I did, taking with me what ready money my Father had in his custody; and finding out my dear Comerade, this was the resullt of our con­sultation, that I should cloath my self like a man, and so travel together. It will be too tedious to relate how and whither we went; but let it suf­fice to tell you, that after we had ran through France and Italy, and wearied our selves in fo­reign parts, we concluded to return for England. We landed at Dover having made an end of our voyage and money together, saving so much as would purchase Horse and Armes, for padding was the way we agreed on to recruit our decayed stock. Many were the robberies we committed, taking such a course that the Devil could hardly detect us: for sometimes when we had robbed, and fearing least we should be taken by the Hue and Cry, it was but turning my horse loose, and then would I put on womans apparel (which I always carried in my Portmantle in such expeditions) and getting up behind my dear friend, I past unexspected as his wife; this stratagem frequently proved a safe­guard to us both By this means we several times robbed houses under the pretence of my friends ta­king lodgings for himself and Wise; to tell you in what manner and how often we played our pranks under a double disguise, would take up more time then is convenient. Wherefore I shall now wind up my story: My Comerade in an unhappy en­terprize received a shot in his shoulder, which proved Mortal, for not long after he died. Being then destitute of my dear companion, I had several thoughts of returning home, but that I liked my [Page 277] trade so well, I could not be induced to leave it. However I went to my Fathers house frequently with roaring Blades, but new me not though some­times they would stare upon me, as if their eyes would have started out of their heads for joy to see their o'd acquaintance. At last I took a conveni­ent opportunity under the veil of courtship to dis­cover my self to my Sister (nere present) who un­derstanding my course of life, and knowing well her own constitution, for my sake resolved to ha­zard all, and run one risgue with me. Having in­structed her how she should rob her Father, as I had done before her, we met at a place appointed, and so took our journey hitherward. Now if our con­versation may be any wayes pleasing, and our ser­vice advantagious, we are both your devoted ser­vants: she uttered these words with such a grace, that I could not forbear imbracing her. After we had plighted faiths, and mutually carressed each o­ther, we betook our selves to rest, which you may imagine was little enough.


How he with his new female padding Comrade contrived notable subtil and safe ways to rob together, with a re­la [...]ion of some remarkable stories which were thee effects of those consultations.

Angry I was when I perceived the appearance of day, which I knew would unavoidably rob me of my present delight and pleasure. But it was only my fear of being deprived of so much bliss made me so grossely to mistake; for I quickly found my happiness inlarged by the approaching light, my sence of seeing being now made Copartner with that of feeling. Love had now his eyes restored him who before only groped for the naked truth in the dark. Now did we begin afresh to renew our late sweet nocturnal pastime, and could our bodies have any wayes answered our boundless desires, our bed would have been the sole concern we should have minded, till that time which must put a period to this transitory life.

But to avoid the censure of sluggishness, we all resolved to rise and unanimously strive and con­tend who should make the best proof the great­est ingenuity in contriving what may give the largest satistaction both to mind and body. As [Page 279] a praeludium to our intended purpose and a restora­tive to our decayed strengths; we first resolved up­on buttered Sack, with other things of like com­forting natures: and now finding our selves by this first essay so much beyond expectation revived and fitted for mirth and pleasure, we straight gave order for a Dinner to be speedily prepared, whose com­position should be of the choicest viands. And that the time might not seem tedious in the interim, it was put to the vote what pastime we should make choice of for divertisement. Some were for bodily exercise, but I was clearly against that, having so lately tired my self with it: besides my lameness, which was occasioned by the shot I received in my legg from my Valient and Rencountress. It was at length agreed on by all that we should entertain our selves with Musick and Discourse. A match said the eldest Sister) and to the intent you may see my freedom and forwardness to propogate your pro­position, I shall give my assistance first to heighten your spirits by vocal and instrumental Musick: ha­ving thus broken the Ice, I question not but you will prove ready followers, and swim with me in the same streams of delight. Whereupon she took up a Lute, and having praised that instrument above all other for its sweet ravishing harmony, I will now try (said she) how my voice will agree with it, and thus sang:

[Page 280] What need we to care,
W 'have enough and to spare,
What we gain we will drink out and spend on't;
But when all is gone
We will get more anon,
Then make it all fly, theres an end ou't.
We will rob, we will steal,
For our own Common weal.
Let the Miser be damn'd with his treasure;
Our designs we will shape
For the juice of the grape,
Thus spin out our lives in our pleasure,
We think it more fit
To live by our wit,
And hazard our lives on adventure,
We are Sons of the blade
Never bred to a trade,
VVe scorned to be bound by Indeuture.

Not for flattery, but due merit we could give her no Iess then applause: Which though that word may favour of somthing of a complement, yet I will assure you there was no such thing past between us; we knew how to improve our time to a far greater advantage, leaving such empty vain expressions to such, who have little else to do then to play with a Ladies Fan, or to consume their times in combing their Perriwigs, not only in the Streets and Play houses, but even (irreverently) in the holy places of Divine Worship.

[Page 281] The pertinency of this Song. to the practice of our lives, did as much please us all, as the sweet harmony of that voice did ravish our deli [...]hted ears. And least our satisfaction should any wayes cool or abate, more Musical fewel was laid on, to warm our benumbed spirits, if any such unlikely thing should happen.

Whereupon her Sister (not making use of any instrument to assist her voice, being sensible it was good and natural) frankly, and with a becoming freedom, sang to this purpose,

'Tis liberty which we adore,
It is our wealth and only store,
Having her we all are free,
Who so merry then as we:
'Tis she that makes us now to sing,
And only She can pleasure bring.
Since we then such freedome have
Wee' purchase pleasure, or a grave;
'Tis better so then live a slave.
As I am free, so will be still,
For no man shall abridg my will:
I'le pass my life in choicest pleasure,
On various objects spend my treasure:
That woman sure no joy can find
Who to one man is only joyned.
Since we then such freedom have,
Wee'l purchase pleasure or a grave:
'Tis better so then live a slave.
[Page 282] What pleasure is in full cramed baggs,
No more [...]hen is in Beggars rags,
Unless made use of, what is Cash?
A fine new Nothing, glittering trash:
Being well employed, it is a thing
Which doth delight and honour bring,
Since we then such freedom have
Wee'l purchase money, or a grave:
'Tis better so then live a slave.

About to have proceeded in this manner round, we were interrupted by Dinner coming up, which came as seasonable as our stomacks could require. Waving all Ceremonies, we instantly fell to it with­out the tediousness of long winded graces; neither were we long at it, our hands and appetites being alike nimble and quick to give the body its requi­red satisfaction.

After Dinner we had various discourses about the vanity and imbecility of the female sex: wind­ing up our Argument, one said, She would not be a meer Woman for the whole universe, and wonde­red that man, so noble and rational a Soul should so unman himself in his voluntary inslaving himself to a Womans will: I wonder how they dare boast of Conquests, when they must acknowledg they are daily overcome by a weak and feeble Creature, Woman a thing which for want of heat sunk into that Sex, [Page 283] With such like prattle we entertained our selves for an hour or two; and now it was put to the vote what course we should steer, and what design we should next put in execution. Diffirent were our opinions for a while, but at last we concluded una­nimously about the evening to set out and rob joyntly: the manner which we laid down was thus; The youngest sister should ride behind the eldest Si­ster on a Pillion in her own proper apparel and my Virago behind me in the like female garb; & this we judged to be the safest project we could propound; for who could be so senseless to imagine us Rob­bers, riding in that manner double horsed, and at­tended with the greatest symptomes of innocency.

Hereupon we presently fell to work, that is to say, endeavoured to get such necessaries as were most convenient for our enterprise, as Pillions, Safeguards and short Swords for my females: Pocket-pistols they had already, having gotten what womans attire we wanted, and all things ready, we mounted with Boots, which we dirt­ed on purpose, to the intent those which saw us might not suspect but that we had rid many miles that day. It was about six of the Clock in the evening when we did set forth; we had not rid above two hours but there overtook us four Horsemen, and demanded whither we were travelling? I answered them to such a place. Now did our two subtil Queans which rid be­hind us play their parts to the life, pretending a great fear of being robbed, and carried their bu­siness so crastily, that they gave the Gentlemen [Page 284] to understand their pretended fear and jealousie: and the better to cloak our design, pray thee my Dear (said I) in a voice not over-loud, but just so that they might hear me, do not be afraid, I am confident they are no other then what they appear, that is, honest civil persons.

Hereupon, one of the Gentlemen over-hear­ing, rode up close to me and comforted my sup­posed Wife behind, protesting they were no such persons as she imagined; that they were Gentlemen of good Estates all, and so far they were from offending any, that they would with the hazard of their lives defend the injured on the road: we seemed hereat to be much satisfied, returning them many thanks, and desiring their comya [...]y, which they kindly granted, saying, Come follow, wee'llead the way gently on, and stand between you and danger. I was glad to hear them say they wou'd ride before, for now I judged our business to be facile and easily done. I now whispered behind me, telling her as soon as ever she saw me give a blow, she should imme­diately leap off the horse, and make use of what weapons she had: Her sister had the like instructi­ons given her.

My Brother, as I called him, riding up close with me; received directions from me, that when we came to the bottom of the Hill, he should at the same time with me directly discharge his Trun­cheon on the head of his foregoer withall the force he could sum up together.

When they least suspected us in the rear, we executed what we designed with such exact time, [Page 285] and so successfully, that a devided minute did not difference their fall Our Women were as swift as lightning upon them, depriving them of all the advantages of rising, whilest we set spurs to our Horses, ond overtook the other two afore, who insensible of what was done, were strangly surprized and amazed, to see our Swords and Pi­stols ready to dispatch our Hellish commands. Fear on a suddain had so chained up their tongues, as that they could not utter a word, till we forced them to it by threatning their unavoidable deaths if they did not instantly deliver. Being willing to ransome their lives by their moneys, gave us what they had, as not to stand in composition with a matter of eternal concern. Having reaped our desires, we dismounted them, and cutting their Girts and Bridles, we took their peices with the Saddles, and threw them into an obscure place. The Horses were whipt over into a field. Our Prisoners we led into a little wood, where we bound them, as the rest of our gang did, who were more expeditious then we in their works. Having finisht our business to our hearts content and security, we mounted, and so rid back again to our old quarters. Our Landlord wondered at our speedy dispatch, but had like to have ex­spired for joy when he saw our booty was so con­siderable; for you are to understand he had a quarter share with us. Here did we carouse and feast for a long time, not so much as thinking on any prize: and the truth on't is, my leg grew so bad by my shot, that I could not ride but in great pain. Wherefore I resolved to lie still till its cure [Page 286] should be effected by my loving & skilful Landlady. My wound being healed I resolved to follow old custom rob alone, not so much that my profit would be greater, but I began to be tyred with my three former dainties; nay more, they were so insatiate in those pleasures they injoyed, that my strength could not cope with such excesses. Wherefore pre­tending business of privacy a little way off, I gave them the slip, knowing how difficult it would be to part from them knowingly.


Being now upon the Pad alone, [...]e baits at an Inn, with which he was acquainted, and there by the Hostler is informed of a Booty which he pursued, but was sound­ly barged for his pains, losing both his Horse, and what small matter he had left.

VEry loath I was to part with these Amazons, not­withstanding I saw there was an unavoidable & absolute necessity for it. For no man could ever better be pleased with society, then I was in theirs, enjoying such persons whose courage and fidelity might vie with the most approved male friend, and reaping at the same time the choycest favours Venus can confer on her cheifest Favourites.

One remarkable passage concerning this Fe­male Robber, I had like to have forgot; which was this; She would frequently Pad or rob on foot in Womans apparrel, but so disguised, that she could not easily be known: Getting a Cushion, or some such thing, (by putting it under her Cloaths to make her seem big with Child) she would usually walk abroad, it may be three or four miles at length, near some beaten Road Thus had she the benefit of viewing all rid by. If she saw any single person by whose equipage she might imagine him to have his Pockets well furnished, before he came near her, she used to [Page 288] feign her self both exceeding sick and weary, groaning in a most pitiful manner. What mans heart could be so obdurate as to pass her by neg­lected. and without taking any notice of her? Who would not proffer a big bellied Woman (tired and indisposed) the courtesie of riding be­hind him for a little way to refresh her? As she told me, she met with very few that did not take her up behind them seeing her in that deplorable condition. Having rid a pretty way, seeing the Coast clear, and coming to a convenient place for to execute her design, she would pretend the Gentlemans hat that rid before her offended her eyes; most in point of civility would put it off, though they immediately put it on again: then would she with a Cord with a nooze, which she had ready for the purpose, clap it over his head, and so whipping off the Horse pull the Man after her; oftentimes half strangling him, serving him as the Mn [...]es do the Bassas with their black box and Silk string therein, when they are designed for death by the Grand Seniors appointment & com­mand. Taking the advantage of their being half suffocated, she could easily first bind their leggs making them so secure that they were so far from resisting, that they were totally at her devotion.

But to return where I left off: before I took my leave of her, perceiving the temper of this brave noble Spirit, and that it was Poetically incli­ned out of my true resentment of her due merit, I gave her these lines, which she thankfully received, though modestly denied to concern her in the least.

[Page 113] Stand back ye Muses, Mars, come guide my Pen,
To rank this Female Heroe 'mongst thy Men.
So, so, 'tis well. Now let us to the matter,
'Tis such a subject that I cannot flatter.
The Pantalooners strut, and Muffetoons;
Taking great pains for to appear Buffoons.
They do seem men, and like [...]m wear their Swords:
But dare not draw; such may be kill'd with words:
These love a Lady, and affect perfumes:
Who lighter are, (then what they wear) their Plumes.
Thou scornst such shadows, or Chimaera's, which
Are good for nothing, but a Womans itch.
Thou lov'st that man alone, that dares in spight
Of fate, scorn Death himself in fight.
Thy actions speak thee man, who dares deny it?
Believe this truth, or if you dare, then try it;
'Twill be a favour to her, for they'l find,
That never man injoy'd so brave a mind.

Bidding this my Minerve and her associates a­dieu, I rid on in the next road, without meeting any I thought requisite to fasten on. At length I came to an [...]nn, where I was very well acquai [...] ­ted, and intended there to have refresht my self; but the Hostler prevented it, not suffering me to alight, telling me hastily, that there was a Gentle­man not an hour since bai [...]d there, who had in his Portmantue a considerable purchase; that he was a poor spirited follow, whom he knew, and that he ever had an absolute antipathy to a naked Sword, and that he was gone such a road, &c. I stay'd not so long as to drink, but with al possible expedition [Page 290] made after him; ascending a small Hill, I disco­vered him, who rid an ordinary pace, wherefore I slacked mine to cool my Horse; however I soon overtook him, and rode by him, not without view­ing him well; riding down the Hill I did alight, purposely that he might overtake me, which he did; being past I mounted, and at the very bot­tom I bid him stand and deliver instantly, or he was a dead man. Sis, sis, sir, (said he lisping very much) I-I-I-I am going home. I bid him not make these proposed delays, left he smarted, and there­fore wisht him to dispatch and give me his money, for I was informed (I told him) that he had a sum behind him. T-t-t-'tis true (he reply'd) b-b-but it is my Fathers m-m-money. Hang your Father and his stuttering Coxcomb too, (said I) I must have what you have. W-wh-why then you shall, (said he) and with that drew out a pocket-pistol and fired it at me; which made my horse start, and very much surprizing me, expecting not the least resistance from such a seemingly ignorant and co­wardly fellow; by that means he had time and li­berty to draw his sword (which was almost as broad as a Chopping-knife) and came upon me so furiously, that I am sure I had not time to de­fend my self: he so laid about him, that I soon lay at his mercy. I was forced to beg very hard for my life, which I obtained with very much ado: then he fell to my pockets, not leaving any suspected place for money unsearcht: by which I guest him to have belonged to our profession, and was not mistaken, as you shall understand by and by. He went to my horse, and viewing him, he seemed to like him ve­ry [Page 291] well. Wherefore coming to me (for he had cut me off my horse) ha-ha-hark you (said he) you are but a raw Thief, a me-me-meer Child, & it is but fit that you should be sent to a ma-ma-Master to be ta-ta-taught knowledge, and be whipt for your foo-foo-lishness. You said you must have my Fa-fa-Fathers money, but I tell you I must have your hau-hau-Horse, and so farewell. He was so kind as to leave me his, which was a pitiful Jade, however necessity compelled me to mount him, and anger spurr'd me on to be revenged of the Hostler, but I better considered with my self, that probably that horse was known there, and so I should be detected; wherefore I rid a contrary way, and took up my lodging in a place I never had been in before. As soon as I alighted, abun­dance of people flockt about me, seeing me all bloody, to know the cause thereof. Whereupon I related in a very doleful manner how this sad ac­cident befel me. That travelling to such a place with about 150 pieces of Gold, I was set upon by five or six lusty Rogues, who rob'd me, and because I made what resistance I could, to save what I had, it being my whole Estate, they had thus barbarously mangled me, hacking and hew­ing me till I grew weary, and at last with much difficulty escapt with my life. There was a ge­neral sorrow for me, pitying me so much that the Inhabitants strove one with another, who should shew me most kindness. A Chyrurgeon was presently sent for, who (as he was a Barber too) Barbarian like, drest my wounds; some were employed in procuring me Cordials, and getting [Page 116] me things necessary; others were sent out to make inquisition after the Thieves.

This Gentleman that serv'd me this trick, was (as I understood afterwards) an High-way-man himself, who being well born and bred, but his Father being either at that time unable or unwil­ling to supply him with what moneys his lavish ex­pences required; Nature having bestowed on him a stout resolute heart, and strength answering his courage, betook himself to the Pad. In which profession he behaved himself so gallantly, that he was styled the Father or Governor of his Tribe. But his attempts prov'd not always successful, so that there was hardly a County in England, where­in he had not been in Prison; being frequently arraigned for his life, but having eminent and po­tent friends, he still came off; this did his Father and Kindred so frequent, that they grew weary, and he narrowly escaping with his life one time, and finding that his kindred matter'd not much if he were hanged, he submitted himself to his Father, making a solemn protestation that he would never follow the like courses again: where­upon his Father setled an Annual Estate upon him, on which he now liveth very orderly. Thus much briefly of my overcomer.

I had not laid above a night in this place for the cure of my wounds, before I was question'd about my Horse by some persons that knew him well, and taken on suspition for murdering the Gentleman the right owner; which seem'd more then probable by various circumstances. First, this Gentleman was not to be found, which well might be his late success, having conveyed him [Page 117] on the wings of speed to an obscure place, there to revel and congratulate his good Fortune by the speedy spending his late purchase. Next, my ma­ny and dangerous wounds sufficiently declared the great hazard of the two combatants lives: but that which chiefly committed me, was the Gen­tlemans horse, which I like an impudent insipid Coxcomb must ride on, which reason must needs say was the ready way to ride Post to the Gal­lows. Notwithstanding the miserable condition of my Carbonadoed body, I was inclosed be­tween a pair of walls, and had undoubtedly been hang'd for being robb'd, had not the Gentleman appear'd again amongst his friends; then did my accusers slip their necks out of the collar, and none prosecuting me, I was discharged. Stay­ing a little while in the Town for refreshment, an old acquaintance there found me out, of whom I cannot but give you a character, since the passages of his life hath been so remarkable and notorious, and from the short relation of which I question not but the Reader will reap much benefit and satisfaction. For indeed examples have so great an influence and power upon the actions of mans life, as that we find men are more wrought upon by president then precept. To this intent prece­ding Generations have made it their grand care and labour, not only to communicate to their Po­sterity the lives of good & honest men, that there­by man might fall in love with the smooth and beautiful face of vertue, but have also taken the same pains to recount the actions of criminal and wicked persons, that by the dreadful aspects of Vioe, they may be deter'd from imbracing her.


He bere reneweth his acquaintance with a cunning fellow, that formerly studyed the Law, and since made it his sole business to practise the abuse thereof.

ABout four days after I was discharged, there came into the same Inn where I lay a Gen­tleman, who hearing some of the house discoursing of the Robbery that was lately committed, he de­sired to be particularly informed, which they did, adding that the rob'd Gentleman lay wounded in the house; he inquired of them my name, which they told him, as I had told them, having a name for every month in the year. Very desirous he was, if it might be no disturbance to me, to give me a visit, unto which I condescended, a servant to that intent desiring to know my pleasure. As­soon as he entred the Room, I verily thought I knew him, though I could not for the present call to mind where I had seen him. I was so muffled about the Chops, that it was impossible for him to have any knowledge of me. He sat down by me, & askt me various questions, to which I gave him convenient satisfaction. At last I recalled my me­mory, and askt him if his name was not so—he answered me affirmatively. Dear friend (said I) I am glad to see you: come, be not amazed; my right name is so—with that he embraced me, and was overjoyed that he so casually found me out. Laying aside all formal niceties, I unbosomed my self to him, not mincing the truth in the least; [Page 295] for we know our selves Birds of a Feather, Rogues together. He condol'd my wounded condition, and comforted me, by telling me that he would not leave me till I was well, and that he would procure me such a Plaister for the wounds I had received, that should prove very effectual. He stayed with me above a fortnight, enjoying what pleasures the Country was capable to afford us. Being by our selves (for so we designed the major part of every day;) we discoursed inter­changeably of nothing but our adventures, &c. how we might lay new plots for our advantage: I gave him the epitome of what I had done, since I left him, who took more pleasure in the relation of my Rogueries, then the Quaker did in Courting the Mare near Rochester. But when he began to relate his Villanies, I was struck dumb with ad­miration; and what cannot a man do if indued with the strength of his natural parts, sharpness of wit, quickness of apprehension, depth and solidness of judgement, with a tenacious memo­ry? Now because he ever had a smooth and in­sinuating tongue, with the command thereof, I shall give him leave to tell his own tale.


The Life of a Law-abusing Cheat.

Dear Friend,

FOr what am I beholding, it is to Nature a­lone; for as I am ashamed of my birth, so I cannot condemn my Father for not bestowing E­ducation on me, since his condition was so low, yet his spirit so high, that he would not beg him­self though ready to starve, however would permit me, which was the sole support of his and my life. I was ten years old before I could meet with any preferment: one day Fortune favouring, she of­fer'd to my view a Commodity, which with con­fidence and dexterity I might carry off undisco­vered. My hands presently successfully effected what my mind suggested; it was but of small va­lue, the utmost I could get for it was a Link, with which that night I more then trebled what it cost. This course I followed by night, & ran in errands by day, so that I had furnished my self both with Cloaths and Money. In process of time I was ad­mitted as a Servant into a Scriveners House; my Master taking a liking to me, put me to a Writing­school, where being capacitated for his business, he puts me into the Shop, and instructs me in his imployment. I had not been there long before I [Page 121] made my self very eminent, by studying the Law, the Rudiments whereof I understood so well, as I knew how to ingross an Indenture. This made my Master esteem of me, and that estimation made me proud; and being not yet bound his Apprentice, I thought I knew betterthings then to be his servant any longer, and so left him. Then was I with an Attorney a while, afterwards with a Counsellor, till thinking I had Law enough, I took an House, resolving to see what I could do with it my self. I sollicited several mens businesses, giving a gene­ral content, insomuch that my credit and repu­tation increased daily. Now did I marry for Wealth, having not the least affection; for her face lookt much like a gammon of Bacon with the skin off. Sometimes I liv'd with her, too long for any delight I took in her; and being resolv'd to be [...]id of her, this stratagem I used. I shewed her more kindness then formerly, pretending I would do nothing but what I would consult with her a­bout; which so wrought upon her love, that she would have been content to have sacrificed her Soul for my Interest; and made her withal so opi­nionative, that she judged every silly and unsavo­ry expression she utter'd was no less then an Ora­cle. Having brought my business thus far to perfe­ction, I came home one evening very melancholy: very inquisitive she was to know the cause. My Dear, (said I) I will not conceal any thing from thee; such a Gentleman hath injur'd me, and I cannot rest till I be reveng'd. Thou knowest my Nature, if wrong'd I am implacable, it is a fault I cannot help. Come, come, said my wife, let us go to [Page 298] bed, and there we will consult. Being there she ask [...] me how we should bring our revenge about? I seemed to study a while,—I have it now (said I) thou art wi h Childe; he is one tender of his re­putation; tax him for being the Father of it, and that will do the work to my, full content: very loth she was, because of the talk of the people; but I satisfied this poor silly harmless soul, by telling her that as long as I knew her chaste, it was no matter what others said of her: whereupon she condescended, and had the Person before a Ju­stice, where she swore positively that she was got with Childe by that Gentleman. I presently took advantage of her Confession, turned her off, leaving them both to the disposal of the Spiritual Court. This was my first prank.

One of my Clients another time, having bought a good handsome Tenement, had so much confi­dence as to put me in Possession; my Client having purchased an Estate in the Country, was forced to be there to look after the management of his Rural affairs, for some certain time: I took this opportunity to forge a Lease to my self, at an easie Rent, from him that constituted me his Trustee. I soon found a Chapman for it, and sold this Lease, receiving a good round Fine, which had been a penny-worth indeed, had the title been good; un­to this man I delivered possession, who dwelt in it till the return of the right owner, who coming to his said house, wonder'd to finde every thing so contrary to his expectation, & demanding of the Tenant by what power he inhabited in that dwel­ling, the poor man shewed him his forged Lease, de­claring [Page 299] that he had paid his fine to such a man, nominating me, who at that time was not to be found. The Landlord could do no less then eject him his house, but finding him so grosly abused, required nothing for the time he was in it, but left him to the Law to require satisfaction of me. The abused being very much troubled he should be thus deceived, made so strickt inquiry after me, and so unwearied in his search, that at last he found me out, who said, nothing should serve his turn, but he would for this cheat have the rigor of the Law executed upon me; knowing of what a dangerous consequence it was, I got my adversary arrested in an action of a thousand pounds, who wanting Bayl was committed to Newgate, where grief released me by his death from ensuing pre­judice. I afterwards forged a deed of Sale of an House hard by the former, which would have made more for my advantage, had not this man discovered my design, which made me the more inveterate against him and his. For this was al­ways my temper, though nothing could provoke me to express my anger in company (as having a perfect command over my passions in that nature) yet if any durst prosecute his own or friends right in opposition to me, I seldom left him, till I had either absolutely undone him, or so impoverisht him, that he should be in no condition to hurt me or help himself, making him at last confess that he had been better to have sat down with his first loss. And this I effected the easier, having a con­science that serupled nothing, & instruments that would swear any thing. These contrivances of [Page 124] mine made me generally reputed a subtil and knowing man, which brought me in multiplicity of business, with considerable in-comes. Neither did I alone sollicite for such as were concern'd in the Law, but I had my concernment with Lifters, who did put so great a confidence in me, that what they got was left solely to my disposal, either by sale or pawn, for which I had my brokage, and some­thing else beside. Now was I grown so famous (my Garb adding much to my fame, which was very splendid) that if any intricate controversie, refe­rence, or Law-suit arose among my Neighbours, they knew no person fitter to make their appeal to then my self for arbitration. If any again wanted either mony, goods, nay a cooler of concupiscence, I was adjudged the best Procurer. By these means I tumbled in money; and to let the world know it, I wore a several Suit every day, having besides Ha­bits suitable to any design. Now did those that knew me not, even adore me; those that were ac­quainted with me, out of fear were forced to show me more then ordinary respects. I confess had I now walkt in a medium, this had been the time (as they say there is a time allotted to every man) to have made my self for ever. But Knaverie was so implanted in my Nature; that I could not for­bear cheating the dearest friend I had, if he in­trusted me, circumvent every man that had more honesty then my self; and though I was sure to damn soul and body, yet I must attempt the de­struction of my adversary; and to speak the truth, I did not stick to betray my friend, if any advan­tage would accrue to me thereby. For one trick [Page 125] I serv'd an ancient Widow, I now and then find some internal gripings, I cannot tell whether they proceed from conscience, because I never knew what conscience was; and this it is. A Gentle­woman of my acquaintance, whose sole depen­dance was upon Lodgers, and having taken up a great many Goods to a considerable value to fur­nish her House, befitting the reception of any person of quality, for which she was indebted, and having too often put off her Creditor, came to me, desiring the favour of me to procure her fifty pound, telling me, that such a Knight, and such a Squire would stand bound with her; that will not do (said I) for the Gentry have so many tricks to keep Citizens out of their money. That they will have better security. Perceiving her present necessities were very urgent, I knew I could do any thing with her; wherefore I perswaded her to confess a Judgement: she agreed to it. I told her such a day it should be done, but I would speak with the Party first: according to the day prefix [...] I came, bringing with me a Warrant of Attorny, with a friend or two to attest it; she confided so much in me, as to seal before she receiv'd the moneys. That being done; now come along with me (said I) to such a place, where the Mony lyeth ready. As we were going, there was a stop in a Lane by Carts & Coaches, and by the help there­of I dodg'd her, she seeing me no more till it was too late: for I came with an Execution a while af­ter, and carried away every pennyworth of Goods she had; yet so civil I was, that I would not let her see it done, knowing it could not but be a great [Page 302] trouble to her, to that intent about half an hour before I sent for her in my name, far enough di­stant from her own Habitation. In this nature with some variations as to the manner, I serv'd several. Knowing I had a plentiful invention, which sel­dom failed me, I scorned to be so idle as to make use of one trick only, to bring about my ends; & as I had several, I never made use of one trick twice, for fear of being smoakt. I seldom went abroad, but I had some of my Complices at my heels, rare­ly going together, unless necessity required it. I went into a Coffee-house one day, and sat me down at a common Table, (as the Room is to all Com­ers) a little after came in one of my Imps, and sits himself down too. I had then a very curious Ring upon my finger, which a Gentleman opposite to me perceiving, pray Sir (said he) do me the favour as lend me a fight of that Ring on your finger; I presently delivered him; having viewed it and commended it, my Rogue must needs desire a sight of it too from this Gentleman, who thinking no harm, gave it into his hands; after he had lookt on it a while, he fairly march'd off with it: I saw him, but would not in the least take notice thereof, knowing where to find him. The Gentleman ima­gined nothing to the contrary, but that the right Owner had received it again. A little while after, I demanded very courteously my Ring, excusing his detention thereof upon the account of forget­fulness. The Gentleman starting, replied, Sir, I thought you had had it long since. I told him I had it not; and as I delivered it unto him, I should require it from no other person. He pisht at it, and [Page 303] in the conclusion bad me take my course; and so I did, having first taken witness of the standers by, I sued him, and recovered the value of my Ring twice over; producing two in Court that swore point blank, that the one of them sold it me for so much—. One thing I confess I frequently made use of, which was this; If any person dy'd, and none durst administer, but leave the Deceased's Goods to the Creditors, then would I be sure to make my self a principal Creditor by a forged Bond, and thereupon sue out letters of admini­stration, and sweeping all away, I wiped the nose of other Creditors.


What a notable revengeful trick he serv'd the Turn-key of Ludgate.

I Went on a time to see a Prisoner in Ludgate, but thinking to come out again as easily as I went in, I found my self just as the Picture I have often seen upon the Exchange, wherein is represented a man plunging himself with much ease into the great end of the Horn, but with the greatest difficulty can hardly squeeze his Head through the other end. Hell Gates stand ever open to let all souls in, but none are suf­fer'd to go out. Here I waited two hours for the return of the Turn key, fretting my self even to death for being detained from my ur­gent occasions. At length he came: I told him what an injury he did me: instead of excusing himself, he returned me very scurvy language, which provoked my passion so much, that though I said little, yet my invention was presently at work to be reveng'd. Not long after I got a poor fellow to be arrested for an inconsiderable debt, advising him to turn himself instantly over to Ludgate. In a short time the poorness of this mans condition was generally known, and he him­self [Page 267] pretending he was almost starved, got liberty to put in what slender security he could procure for his true imprisonment, and so had leave to go abroad In the mean time I had got a Bond of the Prisoner of fourscore pound for the payment of forty, and so went privately and enter'd an action of Debt. I told the Prisoner the next time he went out he should run away, which he did, neither was there any security to be found; then did I bring my action against the Keeper, with my Knights of the Post, and so recovered the money.


What a freak he play'd upon a Jeweller.

I Was intimately acquainted with a Jeweller in Foster-lane, whom I often helped to the sale of Rings and Jewels, so that my credit was very good with him. Being one time above in his work­room, I chanced to spy a very rich Jewel, where­upon I told him I could help him to the sale there­of; my Lady such a one having lately spoke to me about such a thing. He glady delivered it to me at such a price to shew it her. But I only carried it to another to have one exactly made like it with counterfeit stones. Before I went, I askt him if the Lady dislikt it, whether I might leave it with his wife or servant? I, I, (said he) to either will be suffi­cient. I was forced to watch one whole day to see when he went out; and being gone, presently went to the Shop, and enquired of his Wife for her [Page 268] Husband; she answered me, he was but just gone. Well, Madam (said I) you can do my business as well as he, 'tis onely to deliver these stones into your custody; and so went off undiscovered. Not long after I met him in the street, carrying displea­sure in his looks; Sir (said he) I thought a friend would not have serv'd me so; but I deny'd it stifly. Whereupon he was very angry, and told me he would sue me, I valu'd not his threats, and so left him; I had not gone many paces, before I met with a friend, that complain'd to me he had lost a very valuable Locket of his Wives, it being stollen from her. Glad I was that this should fall out so pat to my purpose; I askt him to give me a description of it, which he did punctually. Now, said I, what will you give me, if I tell you where it is? Any thing in reason. Then go to such a Shop in Foster-Lane (the same Shop where I cheated the man of his Ring) and there ask peremptorily for it; I was there at such a time and saw it; and he would have had me help him to a Customer for it; I'll stay at the Star-Tavern for you. Away he went and demanded his Locket: The Jeweller deny'd he had any such thing, (as well he might.) Upon this he returned to me, and (by this I had another with me) and told me what he said. Whereupon I ad­vised him to have a Warrant for him to fetch him before a Justice of Peace, and that I and my friend (which saw as much as I) would swear it. The Goldsmith was instantly sei [...]'d on by a Constable, and assoon as he saw who they were that would swear against him, desired the Gentleman to drink a gl [...] of wine, and then tender'd him satisfaction: But I had order'd the business that it would not [Page 269] be taken unless he would give us all three general releases. He knowing the danger that might ensue to life and estate if we persisted, consented to the proposal.


He puts a notable Cheat upon a Gentleman concern­ing his House.

WAlking one time in the Fields with an At­tendant or two, who would be constantly bare before me, if in company with any persons of quality, but otherwise, bail fellow well met; I was got as far as Hackney, ere I thought where I was; for my thoughts were busied about designs, and my wit was shaping them into a form; casting my eye on the one side of me, I saw the prettiest built and well scituated House that ever my eyes beheld. I presently had a covetous desire to be Master there­of: I was then, as Fortune would have it, in a very gentile Garb; I walkt but a little way further, and I soon found out a Plot to accomplish my desires. And thus it was: I returned and knockt at the Gate, and demanded of the Servant whether his Master was within? I understood he was, and thereupon desired to speak with him. The Gentle­man came out to me himself, desiring me to walk in. After I had made a general Apology, I told him my business, which was only to request the favour of him, that I might have the priviledge to bring a Workman to supervise his House, and [Page 270] to take the Dimensions thereof, because I was so well pleased with the Building, that I egerly desired to have another built exactly after that pattern. The Gentleman could do no less then to grant me so small a civility. Coming home, I went to a Carpenter, telling him I was about buying an House in Hackney, and that I would have him accompany me to give me (in private) the estimate. Accordingly we went, and found the Gentleman at home, who entertained me kindly as a stranger. In the mean time the Car­penter took an exact account of the Butts and Bounds of the House on Paper; which was as much as I desired for that time.

Paying the Carpenter well, I dismist him, and by that Paper had a Lease drawn with a very great fine (mentioned to have been paid) at a small Rent; Witnesses thereunto I could not want. Shortly after I demanded Possession. The Gentle­man thinking me out of my wits, only laught at me: I commenced my suit against him, and brought my own Creatures to swear the sealing and delivering of the Lease, the Carpenters evi­dence, with many other probable Circumstances to strengthen my cause; whereupon I had a Ver­dict: The Gentleman understanding what I was, thought it safer to compound with me, and loose something, rather then loose all.


How he cheated a Scrivener under the pretence of bringing him good Security for an Hundred pound which he would borrow.

ATtiring my self in one of the richest Garbs I had, I went to a Scrivener in Bow-lane, and acquainted him I had an occasion for an Hun­dred pound. He demanded the Names of my Se­curity. I told him where they lived, two persons of eminent worth (whom I knew were gone into the Country) and desired him to make enquiry, but in it to be private and modest. The Scrivener ac­cording to my desires went and found them by re­port to be what they were, real, able, and sufficient men: two or three days after I called upon him to know whether I might have the money upon the Security propounded. He told me I might, bringing the persons; and appointed me a day. Ac­cording to the time I came with two of my Com­pliees attired like wealthy grave Citizens, who personated such persons so to the life, that the Scrivener could not entertain the least suspicion. The money being ready, I told it over, and putting it up in a bag, I and my insignificant Bondsmen sealed, leaving the Scrivener to another enquiry after us, whom, if he did not meet, I was confident he could never find out by reason of our feigned Names.

It chanced that my forged and fictitious name [Page 272] shook hands with that of a Gentleman in Surry, who was a great purchaser, which I came to know by being accidentally in his company the next night after I had cheated this credulous Scribe, understanding likewise from him the exact place of his abode; and, as the Devil would have it, his Christian name was the same, as well as his Sir­name, with that of mine I had borrowed. Where­upon I went to the Scrivener again, and told him that now I had a fair opportunity to benefit my self very much by a purchase, provided he would assist me with 200 pound more. But Sir, said I, take notice (in a careless and generous frankness) that it is out of a particular respect to you, that you might profit by me that I come, again, neither will I now give you any other Security then my own Bond, though I did otherwise before. But if you will desire to be satisfied as to my Estate, pray let your servant go to such a place in Surry, there is a piece of Gold to bear his charges, and I will satisfie you farther for the loss of your Servants time. He being greedy of gain, very officiously promised me to do what I required, and would speedily give me an answer. Imagining what time his Servant would return, I repaired to him again, and understood from him by the sequel that he received as much satisfaction as in reason any man could require. Hereupon I had on my own Bond the money paid me. I cannot but laugh to think how strangely the Surry Gentleman was surprized when the money becoming due was de­manded of him, and how like the figure of man in Hangings the Scrivener lookt when he found himself cheated.


How he was revenged on a Broker for arresting him for some Goods he had past his word for upon his friends accompt.

NOtwithstanding I daily thus almost cheated one or other, procuring thereby considera­ble sums of money, yet, by my Drinking, Whore­ing, and defending my self from such as I had wronged, I seldom kept any money by me. One day as I walk'd the streets securely, as I thought, a fellow fastned his Flesh-Hooks on my Shoulder. Looking about to see what this sudden clap meant, I saw a fellow behind me, whose face lookt ten times worse then those Philistines that are pictured on Chimny-pieces, seizing upon Samson; his mouth was as largely vaulted as that within Aldersgate; his Visage was almost eaten through with Pock­holes, every hole so big, that they would have served for Children to play at Cherry-pit. His Nose resembled an Hand-saw; take both Head and face together, and it appeared like the Sara­cens on Snow-hill; questionless some In [...]ubus be­got him on a Witch. Having a little recovered my self from my amazement, I askt him what his business was with me? He spake but little, [...]eaving his errand to his Mace (which he shew'd me) to relate. Away they carried me to Woodstreet at the Kings-head, from whence I sent for Bail, which speedily came to me: having put in Bail to one Action, I found another enter'd: having done [Page 274] the like to that I found another, half a dozen more bearing it company; wherefore thanking my friends for the trouble I had put them to, I desired them to leave me, resolving to go to Lud­gate. The two Serjeants that arrested me condu­cted me thither, having my name enter'd in the Paper-house, as Horses in Smithfield are in the Tole-booth: Cerberus turned the Key, and set the door as wide open as Westminster-Hall Gate in the Term-time to Country clients, to receive me from my Hell-guides, which puts me in mind of that old Verse,

Noctes atque dies patet atri janua ditis.

I no sooner was enter'd into this inchanted Isle, where some lie wind-bound sometimes seven years together, but a fellow (whom at first sight I took to be a Gardner, because he had a kind of Reddish beard, and turn'd up withal) came to me, & under­standing I was a Prisoner seem'd mighty courte­ous, profering me his Chamber, for my Garnish sake. I accepted his kindness, & went with him to view this Cobweb-hung-Chamber, for so it pro­ved; I demanded of him who should be my Bed­fellow? that Gentleman there Sir, said he, that sits by the fire side: I could not forbear smiling, for he was a fat squobby fellow, though his brain see­med to be lean. I believe he was his own Barber, and was forc'd to make use of a Knife instead of a Razor; for his beard it was cut round like a rub­bing-brush. Certainly, had all the skin of his body been like that of his face, it would have served ex­cellent well when he was dead to make cloke­bags of. Not content with this lodging, I sought out another; liking it somewhat better then the [Page 275] former, I pitcht on it. Assoon as they understood my resolution, they worried me presently like an­gry Mastaffs, barking for their Garnish; I told them they should have it to morrow, at which they grumbled like the greatest strings of a Base-Viol. Before I went to Bed I must pay for a pair of sheets, that never came nigh Holland by three hundred miles, and out of much civility my Bedfellow brought me a candle not so long as his nose to light me to Bed.

The next morning I made it my business to get out assoon as I could; some I paid, others I non-sui­ted, and so got clear. Being out I resolved not to rest till I had revenged my self on this Broker that had thus troubled me. I needed not means, for the Devil seldom failed to help my inventions. I pre­tended to go into the Country, and in order to it pack'd up a Trunk of what I had most valuable and portable, and getting a Porter, sent it to an Inn where a Norwich-Carryer used to lye, but I knew him to be gone the day before. Going along with the Porter, I enquired for such a Carryer, but they told me he was gone, and would not return till the next week. I askt them where I might lay my Trunk safe: they shewed me a Room; where bid­ding the Porter sit down, I called for some Ale, tel­ling the Porter, moreover, that I would have him be a witness of what there was in the Trunk, lest I should be dishonestly dealt by; whereupon I un­lockt it, desiring him to take notice, which he did, & to be more sure took an inventory in Writing. Having paused a little, now I think upon it (said I) Porter, it will not be so safe to leave this here in a publique house as in a friends, wherefore prethee [Page 276] go buy a Cord, and thou shalt carry it elsewhere. Whilest he was gone, I took out the chiefest things and put in rubbish, or what I could get, and so lockt it again. The Potter returning, we corded the Trunk, and carried it to this Broker, who took it kindly from me, that I would intrust him after our controversie, and received it. The next week I told him I would call for it, in order to the send­ing it into the Country. The time being come, I took the same Porter with me, and demanding the Trunk, it was forthwith delivered me. Come, Porter, said I, you must uncord it again, for I have present use for something therein contain'd; which being done, I seemingly amaz'd, cry'd out I was rob'd, taxing the Broker for so doing, vil­lifying him for his knavery. He protested that he never lookt on it to his knowledge since the re­ceipt thereof. Well Sir (said I) this shall not serve your turn, this honest Porter knows how diffe­rently it is fraught from what he saw it at first. In a great seeming heat I left him, but before he slept I sent a couple of Serjeants to him, who ar­rested him; coming to tryal, by the assistance of two (resolv'd Jurors) and this Porter, I over­threw him, and recovered above forty pound, be­sides cost of Suit.


How he coaeened a rich Usurer, and a young Trades­man.

BEing resolved to go and look out some of my Consorts to rejoyce together for my good [Page 277] success in my advantagious revenge, I met with an old comrade that had lately heav'd a Booth, Anglise broken open a Shop, who told me he had a quan­tity of good comodities, & desired me to put them off for him, knowing that I dealt in Brokeage in goods indirectly come by: I promis'd him I would. The next day he delivered what he had into my hands, I instantly carried them to an old Usurer that would grasp at any thing, telling him I only desired to Mort-gage them for such a time, request­ing to lend me fifty pounds thereon. He looking upon them to be thrice the value of that sum, lent me freely the quantity of mony propounded, & in my sight took the Goods and laid them in a place next his Bed-chamber. The same day I met with this friend, who demanded of me whether I had done his business? No, not yet (said I) it will be to morrow first: However let us drink a glass of wine, which he readily consented to. Having drank pret­ty smartly, he could not contain himself (so power­ful are the operations of Wine, as it frequently makes a man divulge that which carrieth in it ine­vitable ruine) I say he told me whose Shop it was he rob'd, and at what time. I seem'd to take little notice then, though I intended to make good use of it. Parting with him, I went streight way to the per­son rob'd, & told him that accidentally I was in­form'd of his late loss, and that my intent of com­ing was out of a principle of honesty, to assist him in the recovery of what was stollen from him. But before I acquainted him with any thing I required of him a Bond of 10 [...]. if I helpt him to his Goods; which he granted me. I advised him to get the Lord chief Justices warrant, which he did, and [Page 278] taking some friends with him, I directed them where they should go, and in what place they should find them. He would have had me gone with him, but that I excused my self, alledging it would be inconvenient. Taking a Constable with them, they went & found what they sought for ac­cording to my direction, which they seiz'd, leaving the old man to condole his loss, which had been no great matter had not his life lain in his Purse.

Having thus carried on my mischievous contri­vances with continued impunity; the next I fell on was a young Merchant, to whom I went genti­ly habited, with a foot-boy waiting at my heels. I lookt out several Commodities, and laid them a­side, assuring him that I would e're long lay out a considerable parcel of money with him. We dis­cours'd upon the price, & in the conclusion closed. The next day I appointed the Goods to be sent home to my House, and in the interim desired him to go along with me, and accept of what poor ac­commodation my habitation would afford him, under the pretence of being better acquainted, but my design was to raise in him a good opinion of me, for I had one room (especially) very richly hung with costly Furniture. My motion was enter­tained, and away we went, where I treated him nobly; the next day the Commodities were sent in with his Servant, who expected his money, but I pretended that my Cashier was abroad, and so de­sired him to call the next morning; he did, but then I was not to be spoken with. Thus he did so often till the young man was weary. At last the Master himself came, who met me just as I was go­ing out; who had not the patience to ask for his [Page 279] money, but presently railed most bitterly, calling me cheat, knave, &c. and that he would not put himself to the trouble of posting me up, but would have a Warrant for me instantly.

Being gone, I was as nimble as himself, having a couple of my Emissaries ready for him against his return. It was not long before he came strut­ting with a Constable. Perceiving him coming, I sent my two friends out with their Warrant, and putting it into the Constables hand, charged him in the Kings name to execute it upon such a one, meaning the Merchant; who dared not deny it, but carried him before a Justice, before whom my two Rogues swore flat felony, and so was commit­ted. Sending for friends, they advised him to make an end thereof. Whereupon I was much solici­ted; and upon consideration I consented to cause my friends to forbear prosecution.

As yet I have not fully unbowell'd the huge bulk of my villany, that hath proved so burden­some to the world, and destructive to so many Fa­milies; wherefore give me leave a little farther to anatomize my own vicious nature, and I shall so lay open the ulcers and sores of my impostumed machinations, apparent to the sight of every one, that the most Ospray and Owl-eyed spectator shall confess there never was a more necessary and commodious discovery revealed.

Brother, said I, for so I must call you now, your flagitious deeds claiming that title, & must be com­pell'd I see to give you superiority, the upperhand, for I am confident the line of other mens inven­tions never sounded the Sea of a more deep and dreadful mischief. When I consider how power­ful [Page 280] and imperious vice is of late grown; and what horrid facts are committed every where by licen­tious and wicked men that swarm in all places: I admire that the Fabrick of the Earth is not con­tinually palsyed by Earth-quakes, since there is a Creator above that oversees such actions. That the Earth her self (though an indulgent Mother) doth not receive into her Womb her off-spring, and therein for shame hide them: that the air is not choaked with Froggs, and that black pitchy mists do not perpetually masque the face of Hea­ven, and leave the World in obscurity; and that the Sun doth not hide his face from seeing such enormous crimes blacker then is the Eclipse of his countenance: and lastly, that the Sea is not turn­ed to blood to put us in mind of the cruel and re­morseless usages of one another; our kindness being commonly attended with discourtesies of a Vermilion hue. Thus Brother you see I am sensible of my miscarriages, but want the power to regu­late my life. I would have proceeded, but that I found this discourse grated in his ears; wherefore I desired him to prosecute his story, which he did in this manner.


He discovers the subtlety of some Citizens he had to do withal by Broking for them, relating his own craft and cunning, and what the consequent was, the ruine of young Gentlemen.

LIke an Hawk as I told you, I flew at all Game, not confining my self to any one thing parti­cularly; where I could abuse the Law, I did; and if I had an opportunity to Trepan, I seldome fail­ed, &c. Some part of [...] [...]me I spent in the en­quiry of what young [...] were arrived, into whose society I was sure by one means or other to insinuate my self. These Country Wood-cocks I knew how to catch with a City Springe; whom I very well understood, had rather be out of the world then out of the fashion, who would be brave for the present time, though their Gallantry cost them all their future Fortunes. I commonly laid my plot thus: Sir, you undervalue your self by the meanness of your Habit, it being so unsuit­able to your quality: if you want money, you can­not want credit, having a fair promising estate in reversion; if you are willing, I will find you out a believing Mercer. Returning me many thanks, it may be he would be in such hast as to send me pre­sently. He could not be so eager to have his gaudy desires satisfied, as I forward to accomplish them. I [Page 282] knew where to go readily to one, with whom I went snips; in so saying, I would not have any think I throw dirt upon that noble profession. If I discover the fraud of any particular person, as long as I name him not, I do him no wrong; but if I de­tect by what deceitful and sinister means he work­eth upon the infirmity of the youth of a green­witted Gallant, it may serve for an use of instructi­on. In the most famous Universities there are some Dunces resident, that by disgracing themselves, disgrace also their fellow Students. In the most virtuous Courts there will be some Parasits. So in the most goodly and glorious City under Hea­vens Canopy, there are some Asps lurking, that sting the reputation of their Brethren by their poysonous and corrupt dealings. There are knaves in all Trades but Book-selling.

But to my purpose: a young Gentleman coming out of Norfolk to see the City, & finding so many (beneath him in estate) gallant it so much above him, he grew very melancholy: hapning to be in his company, and indifferently well acquainted with him, I askt him the cause of his sadness? af­ter I had prest him very much, he ingeniously con­fest the true original of his pensiveness. Pish, said I, is that all? let me alone to effect what you de­sire; neither shall you wait longer then the mor­row. Leaving my Gentleman, away I went to a person fit for my purpose, & gave him an account of my business: glad he was, thankt me for my pains, promising me a reward, and would needs have me to a Tavern to consult this affair. Having concluded every thing, I repaired the next day to my Gentleman, who over-joyed to see me, was [Page 145] impatient to know whether his wishes were consumma­ted. Come along with me, said I, and we will try what we can do. I have been very importunate with the Mercer, but as yet I cannot mollifie him, it may be your presence may do much. Finding him in the Shop. I called him aside; and told him this was the Gentleman. My young Gentleman that would be gallant presently, fell aboard him (and with much fervency and protesta­tions) he wooe [...] the Mercer to credit him for 30 l. worth of commodities. I called him aside, saying, What will 30 l. worth do? take up 100 l. worth, and what you use not, I will dispose by sale, to furnish your Pockets with money. He thankt me kindly for my advice, and returned to the Mercer, who ask'd him, if he should cre­dit him with so much, what securiry would he propound? This struck my young Gentleman as dumb as a Cods­head. The Mercer perceiving he had nothing to say, plaid the Rope-maker, being extream backward to trust him; Bonds he refused, Judgments he would not hear of, Statutes he scorned: For, said he, Gentlemen of late have found out so many tricks to couzen their Creditors (I by the same means having had several collops cut from the body of my estate) that I will not credit any more: whereas he spake this only to grind the blunt ap­petite of my Commodity-taker into a sharper edge, and make him more greedy of his own ruine; imitating in this a cunning and deceitful, though petulant and wan­ton Curtezan, who is nice when a sick-brain'd young Gallant importunes her to admit of his amorous kind­ness, only to make him more fierce upon his own confu­sion: holding him off like a Fencer, a month or two, that he may come up the roundlier to her purpose. But to the matter. My Gentleman being in a manner denied, seconded him thus; Sir, you know not what you do in refusing to credit this Gentleman; he is his Fathers heir, a man of a vast estate, and very aged: This his son is about a very great match, a rich heiress, and though he [Page 146] hath not mony for the present, yet let him have an hun­dred pounds worth of Commodities, you need not doubt your payment, and it will do him at this present a 1000 pounds worth of good. The Mercer began to hearken to this and protested to my Green-goose, that he would be glad to do any a pleasure, so as not to injure himself; that if he could but possess him with a belief that he should have his mony in six months, he would freely let him have an hundred pounds worth of what he pleased: the young Gentleman protested, and I warranted it; and the Mercer (though seemingly loath) condescended, up­on this proviso still, that he should procure some man else to be bound with him as good as himself; For, said he, we are all mortal, and having not a lease of our lives, we may die before to morrow; where is then my 100 l.? Sig [...]ior Unthrift is once more put to his non-plus, but at length fell to intreat me, who would not by any means, and so we parted. He would not let me rest for two or three days together, so that at last, provided he would give me ten pound, I would: agreed, we went again to the Mercer, and entring into Bonds, we had the commo­dities. Having made my young Gentleman an absolute Gallant, I went to sell what was left, of which I made 40 l. but I made my Gallant to be contented with 30 l. alledging, that when goods come once to be sold, they will not yeild the moiety of what they cost, though new: and out of that 30 l. I had my 10 l. for suretyship. Thus I perswaded him to be very well satisfied. He revels a­bout, whilst I was contriving to leave him as bare of means as Brains. Now doth my Mercer dream of no­thing but his pay-day, which he hoped would be broken. The time being expired, and my young Novice not mind­ing it, the Mercer invited him to a dinner in Fish-street: dinner being almost ended, for a third course came up a couple of Sergeants stewed with Mace, who arrested him at the suit of the Founder of the Feast; not procu­ring Bail, he was carried to the Counter, where he lay [Page 147] some time: his friends hearing thereof, endeavour'd to get him out, by an Audita querela; my Mercer hear­ing thereof advised with me what was best to be done. Agree, said I, with some Officer in the Exchequer, and so turn the debt over to the King, pretending you owe him so much mony; for the Chancery will not, or can­not allow any thing in such a case against his Majesty. He so doing, his business was done for the present. Thus have I read, when the Jews have bought a red-hair'd Boy, at first they will cloath him in silks, ravishing him with all the delights that can be thought on, never have Musick from his ears, or banquets from his taste; and thus use him, till they see he is plump, fat, and fit for their purpose: but when the poor Boy least thinks of his im­minent ruine, he is taken by a brace of slaves, and tied up by the he [...]ls, so beaten by degrees to death with cudg­els, purging the rankest poyson out of his mouth, and ma­king Mummy of his flesh. I shall leave it to the Reader to make application. In short, I perswaded the Mercer to take a Bond of 500 l. of his Prisoner, to be paid after his fathers decease. This Widgeon being in the nets, sealed to any thing for his liberty. He was not the first so served, by thousands. And that is the reason there are so many crested Citizens: for Gentlemen being beg­ger'd by their extortion, they have no other means then to fall in with their Wives, purchasing from them a sup­ply. This is it that makes the Roads every where so full of High-way-men, who will borrow of men when they have little mind to lend, but not without giving them Bonds. This makes Tyburn, the Metropolitan, and other petty Gallowses, have so many hangers on; and this is the cause so many such Citizens sons are plagued after their Fathers deaths, as their Fathers, when living, have pla­gued others. These are the Boars that plow up whole A­cres, nay, Fields of Gentlemens Lands with their Snouts; these are the Swine that eat up whole Orchards, and these are they whose siery consciences drink up whole [Page 148] Fish-ponds at a draught; and lastly, they are the Hurry­canes that root up the trees of whole woods together. From such, Libera nos Domine.

To conclude, take this as an infallible Maxime, that the worst of Creditors are either very rich men, or very poor men: The rich man can stay for his mony, and therefore will have all or none; the poor man to be sure will have no pity, neither do I see how he should, for it may be the debt is all he is worth.


How he insinuated himself into the acquaintance of all he thought he could prey upon, and what tricks he used to build his interest upon their ruine.

HOw can that Tyrant flourish in his Commonwealth, when the foundation of his Reign was built on the Sepalchre of the right and lawful Heir he murther'd? And how can that man prosper, whose rise he rear'd from other mens ruines? Such was I, who having oftentimes been gulled by Knaves, turned Knave my self, and did as greedily hunt after such I could make a prey of, (to repair the damages I had sustain'd by others) as the devil doth after Usurers souls, being on their death-beds, resolving to live like a Bandite on the spoil. Like an old Souldier ha­ving been beaten to the world, (or indeed more properly, beaten by the world) I began to summon up all my senses and my idle brains to a strict account, how to get that up again, my riot and folly had spent; and thinking I had no way to recover my self, but by what ruined me, I did cast about me, and fished after this manner. I prepared my lines, providing baits, and made ready my hooks, which had such constant and firm barbs, that after I had struck a Gudgeon in the gills, I was sure to hold him, though I suffer'd him to play a little in the stream. The Flouds I daily frequented, were either the Temple, Ordinaries, Play-houses, Cock-pits, Brothels, or Taverns, leaving no place unsearch'd, wherein there might be any thing worthy a Bait. If such I found, like a shadow I was never from his heels, but followed him close, especial­ly if he was a young Country-Gentleman, whom his father had sent up to see fashions in the Citie: and ra­ther then he should go out as raw as he came in, I fail­ed [Page 150] not to season him in one of the Cities Powdering-Tubs. First, I made it my business to know what his Father allowed him; then would I studie his natural disposition and inclination, and accordingly sute my self to him, so that by my behaviour towards him, he should look upon me to be his Masculine Sweet-heart, his bosom-friend, and that like Hippocrates twins, we must needs live and die together. Having now by much sweat and industrie adapted and fitted him to my hu­mour and purpose, and wrought him to such a soft and waxen temperature, that I could make what impression I pleased on him, I brought him acquainted with some of my accomplices, who all vail'd bonnet to him, invi­ted him from Tavern to Tavern, not letting him expend a penny; or if he wanted money, I would supply him with four or five pound. This Innocent (not having yet scented the Citie-air) all this while thinks himself in Elysium, fancying he enjoys more de [...]ghts then the Turks Paradise affords, and withal imagineth h [...]mself not a little graced, to be entertained amongst such seem­ing Gallants. For my Rogues (give me the libertie to call them so) lookt on it as the greatest piece of police to wear good cloaths, though their [...]ockets were wo [...]e furnished then a Chandlers box, that seldom hath any greater money in it, then Two peice, Three pence, Groats, &c. Sometimes my C [...]llie did meet with such (that knew me) who would advise him to have a care and not to keep me companie, for I was a dangerous person, and in the end would ruine him. Whereas it was to little purpose: for when Youth is in its full vi­gour, and height of desire, neither wholesom counsel, nor Iamentable examples, will give them warning of their future destruction. Still I continued my seeming respects and kindnesses to him, which I onely intended as the Praeludium or Prologue to that Play which was to come after: for my Country Cock-brain being ho­neyed with these sweet delights, thought that whatever [Page 151] he could return, was not able to give an answerable sa­tisfaction. Watching a fit opportunitie (when he is well warm'd with wine) then would I perswade him, (which was no difficult matter) to be bound with [...] for so much, &c. which I promised I would repay at the day, without putting him to any inconvenience: but he knew not, that what I borrowed for an hou [...], I bor­rowed for an age. When I could squeeze no more juice out of him, then I left him to the mercy of his Credi­tors, to be dealt w [...]thal as the Topinjay in the Fable, who being summoned to appear with the rest of the winged Tribe, before their King the Eagle, borrowed of all the finer sort of Birds feathers to adorn him, and make him appear splended before his Soveraign. After he wat dis­miss'd, he proudly flutter'd up and down the woods with his borrow'd gallantry, which made the little Titmoase, Wren, and Hedge-Sparrow adore him. They to whom he was obliged for his gallantry, hearing thereof, de­manded again their own, and so deplum'd him, where­by he seem'd ten times worse then those small birds that lately did admire him. Such Popinjays are they, who borrow of every Citizen, to make themselves shew glo­rious in the worlds eye; but when their Creditors shall come and claim their own, and get it, they will seem more foul then lately they did fair. So various and villanous were the pranks I committed every day, that I was forced now, like an Owl, to appear only by night in the Citie. If I d [...]d at any time transgress that custom, I did then as the dogs of Egypt, when they come to drink of the river Nil [...], lap here and there, and dare not stay long in one place, for fear the Crocodiles that lie lurking within the Banks, should pull them in­to the current: so did I, skulking here and there, then to one Tavern; and not daring to stay longer there, shifted to another. But to proceed.


How he could make Ink that would disappear from the Paper, accordingly as he pleased, by the strength or weakness of the composition. His imitating ex­actly both Hand and Seal. A remarkable Story thereupon.

REading one time a book that an Italian vvrit, I found therein a description of several sorts of Ink, and how to make them; but more especially, an Ink that should last a week, a month, or two, according to the composition. I made an experiment, and found it hit in­differently well: perceiving how beneficial this would be to me, I resolved not to rest till I had found out the true Receipt; which I did at last, by much study and industry. Having obtain'd it, I so highly valued it, that methought I would not have parted with it for the Philosophers Stone. Not to be tedious, I did abuse there with many persons with Bonds, Leases, Deeds, Ac­quittances, &c. there appearing in such a time nothing but the bare Seal, the paper remaining as white as if never writ on. By the help of Graving, I could coun­terfeit Seals exactly, insomuch that I have often cheat­ed the Grand Cheater, Oliver, the late hypocritical and bloudy Tyrant; and by an exact imitation of an hand-writing, his Council was too too sensible of what Cheats I put upon them. That I was no bungler at it, I shall give you this instance. Accidentally coming ac­quainted with a Gentlewoman, very beautiful and well featur'd, her sparkling eyes set me all in a flame, so that I resolved to attempt the enjoyment of her. Oftentimes I visited her, and by the modesty of my carriage towards her, she perceived not my burning lust. One time ha­ving a fit opportunity, she being alone, I communica­ted [Page 153] my thoughts to her: waving what amorous dis­course past on my side, I would have fallen roundly to the matter; but she understanding my intent, cry'd out; whereupon) desisted, seeing it was to little pur­pose if I proceeded. Sitting down by her, she exprest an absolute hatred to me for my incivility, and vow'd she would neither see nor endure me more. The vehe­mence of her utterance and countenance fully decla­red she was in earnest; so that I saw 'twas time to be gone. Looking about (unperceived by her) I took up half a sheet of paper of her writing, and clap [...] it into my pocket; and so took my leave. Coming home, I found my love converted into hatred, and therefore vowed my revenge: and thus it was. I understood from her, whereabout her husband liv'd, and what his Christian name was, with somthing of her concerns; that her husbands mother could not endure her, (be­cause her son married her without a portion, though a wise, discreet, vertuous, and handsome woman) and whereabout she lived, with name, &c. I counterfeit­ed a Letter, as from this vertuous Gentlewoman, to a Gallant of hers, taxing him with want of love, and that if he proved not more constant, she had no more to say to him, &c. The contents you shall have in the Letter it self, as followeth.

Most beloved by me of men!

I cannot blame you so much as my self: it is custo­mary for man to proffer, but then it should be a womans duty to refuse: but alas! how could I withstand the powerful perswasions of your cloquent tongue, especially when they carried with them so much seeming reality of affection and constancy? I finde you now like other vow-breaking men, who having obtained the fruition of their desires, their appetite nauseates that which be­fore it so eagerly crav'd. Call to minde those many en­deared and melting expressions you did voluntarily ut­ter, [Page 154] when I was encircled in thine arms; and if that will not reduce you to your former station, and good e­steem of me, now so much slighted by you, consider that I have preferred you in love before my Husband, not caring how much I wronged him to pleasure you. If nothing will prevail, know then, this shall be my reso­solution, that since you have alienated my affection from my Husband, and you thus unworthily desert me, I will procure a Subject elsewhere shall out-do you in every thing, as much or more as you have out-done my Hus­band. I am young, plump, handsome, and buck some; what then should hinder me from enjoying such a per­son, my heart will not rest satisfied till I have found? which having done, he shall lead me in thy view, and then it is probable you will desire, but never shall re­assume your place again within my breast. Farewel.

This Letter was sent to her Mother-in-law in the Country, who was glad she had matter to impeach her daughter to her son. Assoon as he saw the Letter, he very well knew the hand, he thought, and would have sworn it to be his wifes: but reading the contents, the poor man was ready to sink down for grief. Perturba­tion of minde would not let him rest in his Country­dwelling, but rid up Post to London, where he soon found out his wife. The unexpected fight of him at first surprised her, not hearing of his coming, and knowing that his occasions were very urgent in the Country; how­ever, like a truly-loving wife, she was overjoy'd to see him, and would have kiss'd him, but that he rudelie thrust her off; which action struck her to the heart, and overwhelm'd her in amazement. Prethee Sweet­heart (said she) what is the matter? There, read it, said he, throwing her the Letter. She read it, and swounded: he let her lie, not caring whether she liv'd or dy'd; and haddy'd indeed, had not her Maid come up accidental­ly. Being recovered, he ask'd her whether it was her [Page 145] hand. She could not deny it: which made the man rage, ready to run out of his wits, whilst she was silent with astonishment, taking such inward grief, that she betook her self to her bed. Nothing could comfort her, neither would she take any thing to sustain life. Hearing how powerfully my forgeries had wrought, to the hazard of somes lives; in the same hand I sent him a Letter, wherein I gave him an account of the designe, proclaiming to the world the Gentlewomans honesty, unspotted and unstain'd. The Gentlewoman reco­ver'd in a little time after; but this trick had too much seiz'd upon my Gentleman; for like a fool he fell di­stracted in a sneering posture, as pleas'd to think his wife was honest notwithstanding. I have been some­what long in this relation, because it was a passage ve­ry remarkable. Now I shall tell you how I cheated a young Citizen and an Upholster.


How he cheated a young Citizen newly set up, and an Upholster.

A Young Citizen about to set up, and wanting some money, was directed to me, to procure so much as his present occasion required. I treated him very civilly, promising him very fairly; and in order thereunto, ap­pointed him a day; which being come, contrary to my expectation or desire, he brought a crew with him, to see the receipt of the money. Judging this time inconve­nient for my designes, I told him I expected the money this very day; but if he pleased to seal the Bond, and have it witnessed, he might keep it himself; and bring­ing the Bond with him the next day, he should not fail to have his money. The next day he came to the place appointed, where I was ready to wait him. As good fortune would have it, he came alone. I discours'd with him a while: at last I desired him to let me see the Bond; which he delivered into my hand, being sign'd and seal'd [Page 156] before. I took this as a good and lawful livery, and put it up into my pocket. He asked me what I meant. I told him he should know when the Bond became due. Why Sir, said he, you will not serve me so? Dost thou think I am such a fool (said I) to lend thee so much money upon a piece of Paper, which next showre of rain will wash away with thy self into the common shore? Shall I trust thee, when thou canst not trust thy self? At this the young man began to be clamorous; but one of my accomplices soon fill'd the clapper of his mouth, by a sound knock on the pate, which laid him asleep: and in the mean time we marcht off. Just as the money came due upon the Bond, my flock-pated (it was gone to tell his friends in the country the danger of Counters and prisons in the Citie. Wanting another time some money to supply my present occasions, I could not think of any stratagem for the present to assist me in this necessity, but to sell my featherbed, with furniture thereunto belong­ing. Packing them up, I got a friend to go along with the Porter, and sell them to an Upholster. Which my friend did, bringing me half their worth; but withal, that which was more then the whole worth, the name of the person. A week afterwards, wanting my bed, I re­solved to have it again. Whereupon I went to him that bought it, asking him before a couple I carried along with me, whether at such a time there were not such com­modities sold him. He acknowledged there was. I desired to see them: and he as readily granted that. Sir, said I, these are my goods: I was lately rob'd, and now I know you are the receiver: I must have you before a Justice, to know how you came by them. The naming of a Justice so terrified this simple silly fellow, that he bid me take them if I would swear they were mine, and put him to no further trouble. First I wore they were my goods, (and therein I was not perjur'd) but I told him I could not re­ceive stollen goods safely, though they were my own. In short, I got my bed and furniture thereunto again, with money to boot.


He is at last met withal, and laid up in Prison by one of his Creditors. The abuses and tricks Sergeants use to arrest men. Lastly, he escaped, by putting atrick upon his Keeper.

HAving gone thus far without any remarkable check or controul, at least any such as might bear a pro­portion with the villanies and injuries I had done; I ab­solutely thought that nothing was dishonest or difficult that had in it either pleasure or profit. Meeting with no molestation or hinderance, I took my freedom to do even what I listed. One time thinking my self most secure, I then found my self in the greatest danger, being arrest­ed in an Action of 5000 l. Several times there were at­tempts made to take me, but I was still too cunning for them: yet at last they overreacht me; it will not bea­miss to relate in what manner. They had information, that every week I had Letters come to me out of Essex, and that the Porter which brought them had still free ad­mittance to me: wherefore the Serjeant provided himself a Frock, and a Rope about his middle, which would bet­ter have become his neck, and with Letters in his hand directed to me, trudged to my lodging. Knocking at my door, and being demanded his business, he told them he had Letters for the master of the house, nominating me. Looking out, and seeing no one but a seeming Porter, I order'd that he should be let in. Assoon as he was en­ter'd, he bid my Worship good morrow, and in stead of delivering me his Letters, shewed me his Mace; which I wisht might be the onely spice and meat too he should eat for a twelvemonth. Seeing how I was betraid, I went quickly along with him to the Compter; and af­terwards, finding I could make no composition with my Creditors, turned my self over to the Kings-Bench. Va­rious are their tricks and inventions to ensuare whom they intend to arrest. Sometimes I have known a Credi­tor seem to comply with his Debtor, telling him that pay­ing [Page 158] some inconsiderable matter, his Bonds should be re­newed with longer time: then appoint him a place of meeting, where he saith he will bring a Counsellor and Scrivener; a Counsellor to advise them in management of their business, and a Scrivener to write what they de­termine. He acquainted a Sergeant and a Yeoman with his Plot, who were as hot upon it, as an Italian on a Wench of 15. The Serjeant going with a Barristers Gown on his back, and the Yeoman with his beard cut as close as a stubble field, with a Pen in his ear, and some Parchment in his hand, effected their design without suspicion. A Merchant I knew, that intended to break and go beyond Sea, was betraid by his servant, who in­formed his Creditors that at such a time his Mr. vvould be gone: that on the morrow he would send for Coopers to hoop some dry-fats to pack his goods; and that if ever they hoped to have their money, they must make that their time. Some Serjeants were presently acquainted herewith, vvho attired like Coopers in red Caps, canvase Brecches, with Ads in their hands, and Hoops about their shoulders, went to the Merchant and vve [...]e entertained; vvhilst he vvas giving them direction; but in stead of hooping the dry-fats, they hoopt him in their arms, and arrested him. Before they parted vvith him, they made him part vvith so much money as would satisfie his Creditors and them; and made him fee them besides, not then to enter any more Actions against him. They will change themselves into as many shapes as Proteus, to bring a­bout their designe: sometimes like a grand wealthy Ci­tizen, othertimes like a Country-fellow newly come to town, vvith boots and spurs all dirty. Now as I have related their manner of arresting, so let me briefly in­form you of their using (or rather abusing) prisoners. First they enquire of the person vvhether this be the first time he vvas arrested: if so, then they know the better how to deal vvith him. Perhaps they will carry him to the Tavern, pretending to do him kindness, where they [Page 159] will advise him to send for some friend; and one of them will be the Porter himself; but in stead of fetching the friend, he only enquires out his Creditors, and perswades them to use this opportunity to recover their debt: mean while, the other that is left behind doth milk him. The messenger returning, sorrowfully tells him his friend is not at home. Getting as much as they can by spunging, and sucking the very heart-bloud of his pocket, the Com­pter must be his refuge at last. Sometimes, seeing a man in fear of arresting, they will without warrant of the Creditor give him a cast of their Office, often arresting him before they enter their Action; and have ways to prevent a mans injuring them by search in the Offices. Other times for a fee they will send to the party to keep out of the way, having received a fee to that end be­fore. Oftentimes, having arrested, if the Creditor stand not by, they will let the party go for a brace of Angels, or so; telling his adversary that he cannot set eye on him. And though their fee for an Arrest is to be but I [...] yet will they hardly be wrought upon to do their Office under a Crown: and though the Statute say that the ar­rested shall pay but one Groat, I will not excuse him for an Angel. If a man oppose them, or struggle for an escape, they will both gripe and pinch him, and after­wards clap an Action of Assault and Battery on him at their own suit. I could say more of them, but that for fear I must be favourable, being now, as I tell you, a prisoner in the Kings-Bench, which may be called, The Bankrupts Banque [...]ting-house, where he feasts himself on dishes borrowed from other mens tables; or, The Pre­digals Purgatory, and A Pesthouse for decaying Citi­zens. Being wearie of this place, wherein are as many maladies and mischiefs as flew out of Pandora's box o­pened by Epimetheus; I invented this stratagem: One day I pretended much business abroad, and so got leave to go out with my Keeper, resolving not to return with him. Having been from Tavern to Alehouse, and so to [Page 160] Tavern again, pretending the dispatch of much business I at length told my Keeper, that I would visit a very dea friend of mine, but that I thought it requisite to be trim'd first. He consenting, we went to a Barbers. I sat down in the Chair first; and being dispatcht, I desired the Kee­per to sit down too, and I would pay for sprucifying his Phisnomy. Whilst he was trimming I talkt of one thing or other, to hold him in discourse. At last said the Barber, Shut your eyes, or else my ball will offend them. Shut­ting his eyes, I took an occasion to slip out, planting my self in an house hard by; the Barber not imagining I was a prisoner. The Keeper not hearing me talk, valued not the smart, but opened his eyes; and seeing me not in the shop, rose up, and that so hastily, that he over­threw Cutbeard, and the bason on him, running out in­to the street with the Barbers cloth about him, and Don Barberoso's Turbant on his head. The people seeing him thus with the froth about his face, concluded him mad, and as he ran gave him the way. The Barber with his Razor ran after the Keeper, crying, Stop him, stop him, that I may be revenged on the Rogue. The other nere minding the Outery, ran staring up and down as if his wits had lately stole away from him, and he in pursuit of them. Some durst not stop him, others would not, thinking the Barber by his posture intended to have his Testicles for abusing his wife. To conclude, the Barber at last seis'd him, and having recovered his cloaths and made him pay 6 d. for shaving, the Keeper was d [...]mist with a kick or two in the arse; the Barber not suffering him to speak a word in his own defence. Thus freeing my self, I resolv'd to take the Country-air, where I hap­pily met with you. Many other things worthy remem­brance did he relate, which now I have forgot. Some while we staid together; but at last his business call'd him one way, and my Padding Trade invited me another.

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The English Padder or Hiway Robber Portrayd.




He is laid up in Oxford-Goal by his Host; he is chea­ted at Chester; and after some time is ransomed thence by some of his Comrades, Knights of the Road, they paying his Debts.

OUr Crew having been abroad, we had got a valuable Purchase; which after we had di­vided, I told them, that I would but visit a friend at Oxford, and repair to them again within two or three days. My old Acquaintance being over­joy'd to see me, after so long absence, treated me very gallantly, introducing me into the society of the Wits; who would frequently drink too, till they had lost them. The Company pleased me so well, that I thought it a solecisin in civili­ty, to be sober, when they made any appoint­ment for m [...]h; and they being true Bacchana­lians, in the uppermost Classis of Aristippus's School, scorn'd to be oucvy'd by a junior Sophi­ster; and therefore, do what I could, they would be drunk before me: they never comended about any argument that tended to eb [...]ery, but swal­lowed them all. I thought they would never have done speaking of Sack; every one endeavoring who should express most in its praise. One said, That Diogenes was but a dry fellow; and the only reason he could give for it, was, That it is shrewdly suspected by the Commentators on his Tub, that that wooden-house of his was given him by a Beer-brewer, who being, an enemy to all good wit: and learning, [Page 4] ciates, unfortunately my Chester-Landlord (who having some business to do in Oxford, was newly come thither to dispatch it) espy'd me, and with­out accosting me (like a subtile Sophister) watcht me whither I went: being housed, he presently fetcht two Officers, and coming out into the street napt me. I sent to those friends that had been so merry with me ever since my coming to that City; but they understanding the business, came not neer me; one pretending in disposition of body; another, that he was not within; a third, that he was about urgent occasions, which having finisht, he would wait upon me; but in fine, none came to my relief, shewing themselves right pot-companions, whose courtesies it may be, shall extend to the payment of a Reckoning, when their friend wants it to discharge it him­self; but disappear and vanish, when their assis­tance is implored to draw him out of Prison. See­ing no remedy, I patiently suffered my self to be confined. My adversary visiting me, I treated with him about my releasment, offering him what I had, which was neer upon half; but his resolu­tion was to have all, or there I must lie. Though I could not much condemn him, yet I could not but complain against the inconstancy of Fortune; and ruminating within my minde the miseries that attend all sorts of prisons, I judged that of Debt to be the most deplorable: and though I wanted liberty, which commonly doth depress the minde, yet by the vertue of Canary (which I could not be without) my fancy scorned to be fettered, but would in spite of fate, use her free­dom. 'Tis some kinde of pleasure and comfort, [Page 5] for a man sometimes in adversity, to descant on his own miserable condition; which because I found experimentally true, I applied my self to my usual custom, the use of my pen, differencing these Metropolitan Prisons thus:

To Bedlam men are sent bereft of wit;
When 'tis restored, then they are freed from it:
Confin'd to Newgate long, men can't complain,
For once a month they're cleer'd from it and pain;
In a short time their Bolts wear off, and then
They may be sure ne're to come there agen;
Discharged thence their fettered souls shall be,
Only an hour confin'd, and then set free.
Bridewel, n [...] wise man yet did e're dispraise thee,
For thou dost feed the poor, correct the lazy;
The expiration of a little time,
Forgives offenders, and forgets their Crime.
Hereafter from this Prison, Heav'n defend me,
Rather to Bedlam, Newgate, Bridewel, send me;
For there Wit, Work, or Law doth set men free,
Nothing but Money here gets liberty.

Having lain here above a week, I sent away a Letter to my Brethren, informing them of my misfortune, and acquainting them with the sum I was imprisoned for; which was sent me by them, and brought by one of our trusty Knights: pay­ing my Debt and Fees, I returned again to them.


He returns to his Brethren the Knights of the Road, whom he finds with two or three Gentlemen, stran­gers; he cheats one of them of a very fair and rich Watch.

MY Companions took little notice of me at my return, which made me think there was some design in hand; but according to their u­sual course, fell to drink high: observing two or three faces, I tipt a wink to one of my Brethren; being in another room; I asked him, who they were; he replied, Gentlemen that were travelling into the North; to which he added, We have been pumping them (ever since we did thrust our selves into their company) to know what store of Cash they had about them; but we find little more then will defray their necessary expences on the Road; only, said he, there is one of them hath a very rich Watch: I bid him return to his place, and I would warrant him to have it before he stirred. I came in again to the company, not taking the least cognizance of any, but shewed much tespect and civility to them all, as a stran­ger; I purposely askt what it was a clock: one of the Gentlemen, and of my friends both, pulled forth their Watches, striving who should first give me satisfaction to my question; after this, they viewed interchangeably the workmanship of one & the other, both praising the seeming goodness of each others Watch. At last my friend makes a propofition: Come, Sir, if you please we will [Page 7] make an exchange upon sentence and repen­tance. The stranger desired to understand his meaning: Why, Sir, said he, we will commit them both into the hands of any one indifferent person, and what difference he shall judge there is between them, shall be given in money by him whose Watch is least worth. It was concluded up­on; but they could not agree into whose hands to put them. At last it was mutually agreed upon between them, that I being a stranger to them both, should be the decider: I seemingly refused it, but they would not hear me alledge any argu­ments to the contrary; whereupon I went out, and immediately causing my horse to be brought forth, without the least delay I mounted, and a­way I rid. My Comerades knew where to meet me at the next stage. The next morning they found me out, telling me how they all stormed to be so cheated, to avoid suspition: and now did they all embrace me, promising to themselves great hopes in me from this adventure.


He puts a notable Trick upon a Physician.

NEar adjacent to our general randezvons, I was informed of the habitation of a weai­thy Physician, who had shewed himself fortunate­ly expert in divers Cures, where it seemed that humane art had not sufficient power to give a re­medy. The fame of his great skill, and of many admirable cures, which to the shame of other Phy­sicians, [Page 8] he had performed, made him so generally beloved and sought after, that in a short time he purchased by his sanatory industry, above 500 l. per annum, and seldom had less by him then a thousand pound. Thus much I casually under­stood from one accidentally, speaking of this his rich Neighbour: but that which pleased me most was, that (as he said) he seidom carried less then an 100 pieces of gold about him constantly, pro­ceeding from a fancy derived from an extream love he bore that Metal. I could not sleep for con­triving a way how I might disembogue this U [...]i­ral of what it contained: sometimes I way-laid him in his return; but he was so well esteemed of, that he seldom returned home without two or three Gentlemen to accompany him. At another time I thought to have pretended some distemper, and so have applied my self to him for Cure; and imagining that he would privately discourse with me about my Malady, that then I would present a Pistol to his breast, swearing, that should be his immediate and unavoidable Executioner, if he did not without the least noise or resistance, deli­ver such a quantity of Gold; but this way I could not approve of, it being accompanied with so much hazard. At last I thought of this stratagem, which safely produced its effect: One day after dinner I rid to his house (seemingly) in extream haste, which he might perceive not only by my own affrighted looks, but by my horse, which was all of a soam; I askt his servant, with much quickness, whether Mr. Doctor was within; yes, Sir, (said he) if you please to walkin, I shall call him to you. I waited some time (for most of that [Page 9] profession must take some state upon them) and then Mr. Doctor came. Sir, (said I) the report of your great experience in your happy Practice hath brought me hither, humbly imploring your assistance, and that instantly, if you have any re­spect to the preservarion of life; the trouble I shall put you to, shall be gratefully recompensed to the utmost of my ability. The Doctor inquired of me, whom it was, and what manner of distem­per the person laboured under; I readily told him, it was my Wife, who for some continuance of [...]e, hath been extreamly [...]oubled with the flux of her Belly; the more that is applied to it by us, the more it increaseth; wherefore, our help fail­ing, I beseech you lend us yours, and favour me so far as to ride with me to her. The seeming since­rity of my words prevailed upon him, asthey would have done upon the most distrustful. This Doctor (who as I was informed, was accustomed to be induced more by gain, then fair words) gave me this desirable answer: Sir, far be it from me that I should resuse to do my endeavour to any person whatever, much less to a Gentleman of your rank and quality, in that little skill which I have in the knowledge and practise of Physick; if I can effect any thing for the good of the good Gentlewoman your Wife, I will attend you thi­ther with a very good will, which at any time my charge requireth. Without attending any fur­ther discourse, his horse was made ready, and so we rid a way together. As we rid through a small Wood, leading him the way, I turned my horse about, and clapt a Pistol to his breast, shewing him withal an empty bag; See here, Sir, (said I) [Page 10] my Wife, which hath a long time been troubled with a flux or vomiting, which you please, the last I think more proper; for she no sooner receives any thing for her (and my) sustenance, but she immediately brings it up again at her mouth. Now Sir, if you do not find out some means to mitigate this distemper (the cure I shall never expect, as knowing it impossible) this Pistol shall send you to AEsculapius, to consult with him what is most sit to be administred: come, Sir, let me advise you, and save your self the trouble of so long a journey; your gold (an hundred pieces (as I am told) are the constant attending Esquires of your body) I say, that is the best and only Recipe for a remedy. The Doctor perceiving there was no help, in much amazement and fear delivered me what gold he had about him, which was neer up­on the sum exprest: there was a rich Diamond-Ring on his finger, which I desired him likewise to give me, which should serve for a perpetual me­morandum of his kindness to me. I commanded him, as he tendred his life, to ride back again, without so much as once looking behinde him; and that if he offered to raise the Country, if I was sure to die that instant, I would be the death of him first. The Doctor followed my dictations so exactly, that I never heard more of him.


He falls in love with a wealthy Widow, who is poeti­cally inclined; he courts her, and in a short time injoys her, and after that ingratefully leaves her, carrying away what ready money she had.

HAving gained so much money by my own industry and sole procurement, I resolved neither to acquaint my Brethren therewith, nor associate my self any longer with them, being so encouraged by this success, that I concluded I might a [...]chieve gallant things by my self: being belated one night, and some miles from any town, I knockt at an house that stood in my road, ima­gining it at first a publick house for entertain­ment; one of the servants coming to the door, I found it no such thing: he demanded my busi­ness: Prithee sweetheart (said I) acquaint your Master, that there is a Gentleman requests the ci­vility of a nights lodging: she goes in and informs her Mistress what I said; who came to me with much respect, telling me, She questioned not but I was a Gentleman, and therefore should be wel­come to the mean accomodation she was capable of shewing. I rendred her many thanks, and so a­lighted; strict order was given to the Groom, that he very carefully lookt after my horse: this being done, I was conducted into a very fair room; there did I make my apology in the best Rhetorick I had, for I perceived she was endued with ingenuity, by the quaintness of her expres­sions; Ex pede Herculem: Many things I forged, as [Page 12] that the ways being dangerous, I was fearful to adventure any farther, having a great charge up­on me. Such was her urbanity, that laying aside all niceties, she bore me company till it was time to go to bed, entertaining me all this while with what the house afforded, which was beyond my expectation. Every glass of wine, or bit almost, that I committed to my mouth, she ushered thi­ther with some Apothegm or other: the whole se­ries, indeed, of her discourse, was composed of nothing but reason or wit, which made me ad­mire her; which she easily understood, I percei­ved, by her smiles, when she observed me gaping, as it were, when she spoke, as if I would have eat­en up her Words. As her soul was beautiful, sparkling with celestial ornaments, so was the caskanet that contained it very fair, and enricht with Natures chiefest gifts: She was very clear skin'd, well bodied, a sharp piercing eye, a propor­tionable face, an exceeding small and white hand; and then she lispt a little, which became her so well, that methought it added a grace to the rest of her internal and external qualificati­ons. Being about ten a clock, she advised me to repose my self, supposing I was weary. I conde­scended, though with much regret to leave her so soon; but good manners would not permit me to do otherwise: She conducted me to my Chamber, where bidding me good night, she betook her self to her own Chamber. That night I could hardly sleep, not so much for pure love, as the heat of lust: next morning, very early, I heard her stirring, which made me wonder; but she told me after­wards, that she got up so soon, fearing I should [Page 13] have gone away, and she not take her leave of me. About eight in the morning, the Maid brought me up a Sack-posset; and a little after, her Mistress came, courteously saluting me, and enquiring how I slept: I return'd an answer, in as handsom terms I could utter: her eyes plainly discovered to mine, that she had more then a common re­spect for me. Having left me a while, I arose, and made my self ready for my journey: after seve­ral discourses which she had ingaged me in, pur­posely to delay time, with much gratitude I took my leave, she attending me to the court: my horse being b [...]ought out, halted down-right (she had caused him to be prickt in the foot, to the intent I might stay longer.) Not knowing what to say or do, Well, Sir, said she, since the unhappy accident hath fallen out so unexpectedly, make use of my house, & what is in it, till your horse be recover'd of his lameness. This was a proposition that my soul longed for; wherefore I could not but shew much satisfaction in the acceptation of this prof­fer. We walkt in again, & prosecuted for diversion sake our former discourse, interlining it with some love-touches at a distance, which she would fre­quently descant on pleasantly. We in this short time became intimately acquainted; which need not be much wondred at, considering the great­ness of sympathy between us; so that now the conquest of her appeared not any ways difficult. Having talkt our selves weary, Come, said she in a very familiar manner, I will shew you the product of some idle hours; and with that brought me several Epitap [...]s, Elegies, Anagrams, Anacrosticks, Epigrams, &c. of her own [Page 14] composition, too many here to relate; but for their wit, deserved to have each line characteri­zed in gold: some I would here insert, were not the radiant lustre of her conceits so great and glo­rious, that they would absolutely extinguish the dim-sightedness of my fancy. Having viewed them, I could not but applaud them, as their due merit; and I was glad I had this happy occasion to vent my own thoughts, which I taci [...]ly infinu­ated in these lines, reflecting on her from what I had read.

Sisters thrice three I've read of, and no more,
Till your quick wit compleated half a Score:
Since you are one, let me perswade you then,
Be kind to me, for they are kind to men.
Dearest, be like them, they are soft and hlithe
Let who will love the nine, give me the tithe.

These lines so powerfully wrought upon her, that she could not forbear to tell me, that she was much obliged to me for what I had writ. You can­not Madam, said I, cancel your obligation, till you have made some recompence: with that, said she smilingly, What will content you? The con­tinuance of your favour Madam, is the utmost ambition of my desires. You have it Sir; nei­ther can I deny any deserving man a thing so in­considerable: By your favour Madam, love I mean. I never was so uncharitable, said she, to be out of love with any. I was glad to hear her reply so merrily: for a fort which so capitulateth, is half surrendred. Since I had broke the ice, I was re­solved to prosecute my design; wherefore in plain English I told her, that I loved her from the first interview, so ardently, that my constancy should [Page 15] prove the reality of my affection: she desired me to leave that to the test of time; that should she believe me suddenly before she had made tryal, she should not only loose the good estimation she had gained by the prudent and discreet manage­ment of her affairs, every one accusing her for too much credulity, but thereby it may be involve her self in a Labyrinth of all manner of troubles. Try­al, said I, you shall have: and knowing the man­ner of courting a widow, a tryal I gave her, knowing that Parleys operate little on a widow, and there is nothing sooner gains a conquest then a resolute assault. This action made her so firmly mine, that I durst not speak of leaving; which when I did at any time, her Soul was ready to leave its ancient habitation to attend on me. Some two months we spent in all manner of self­pleasing delights, till at last I begun to be tyr'd with her too frequent invitations; the more I en­deavoured to satisfie her, the further I was from it. Not only by her, but by others, this experi­ment I found, that the oftner I treated them, the more eagerly and earnestly they desired it. Be­ing now incapacitated to hold out in this man­ner longer, I thought it high time to be gone, but not without sufficient recompence for my service. She daily sollicited me to marry her, which I promised her from time to time, waiting an op­portunity when I might become master of her treasure. One day in a frolick, and the more to encourage me to make a speedy consummation of our loves by marriage, she shew'd me all her wri­tings which concerned her estate (by which I found her to be so wealthy a fortune, that I of­tentimes [Page 16] curst my unhappy stars, that they had thus debarr'd me from the complement of so great a bliss.) After this, she shews me a trunk where­in was contained her cash: then taking me about the neck with such fervency of affection, that I thought she would have strangled me, & with the repetition of kisses, she smiling, aske me, whether these things satisfied me or not. I told her they did, but they were not to stand in competition with her most affected self: with that she gave me the keys of that trunk wherein her money was; and in retaliation, I vowed to marry her in four days. In the mean time I studied how I might be gone, but could not contrive a way, she not in­during me to be out of her sight. In fine, I feign­ed some indisposition of body, and that I would ride two or three miles for the benefit of the fresh air, and return: with much unwillingness she consented. Just as I was about to take horse (ha­ving furnished my self with as much mony as I could well carry without discovery) she wept bitterly (as having I think a prophetick Spirit.) I ask'd her the cause of her discontent: all ba­thed in tears, she answered me with a deep sigh, I shall never see you more: Hard-hearted man! can you thus leave a woman that loves you thus dear­ly, nay, that dotes on you? I made many pro­testations to the contrary; which were not be­lieved. Seeing that I could not prevail on her belief, I bad her farewel, setting spurs to my horse, and was out of sight in an instant. I could not but condemn my self extreamly for this in­humane action: but considering that there is no slavery greater then that of the smock, I soothed [Page 17] my self up in mine own unworthiness; passing by a little Ale-house, I called in, and over a pot of Ale I composed these ensuing lines, which I sent to her by a messenger I procured in the house, di­rected thus:

Deliver these to the fair hands of Mrs. Pulcheria Tickleman, at her dwelling-house, near Redding.

The Contents were these, or to this purpose.

A Poetess you are, and Prophet too,
Thus to divine I'm gone from you
Eternally. 'Tis true: D'ye think that I can eat,
Though ne're so choice, always one sort of meat?
No faith; I'd rather wear a Porters frock,
Then to be shrowded in one womans smock.
You say you are with child; Pish, don't complain;
'Tis but the product of your fruitful brain:
Y'are only big with fancy, which may prove
A witty Brat, like Pallas sprung from Jove.
And have you then conceiv'd? How can I chuse
But write Encomiums on my fertile Muse?
Mind not the Father, nor his Brat, for it
Will like the Father live (no doubt) by wit:
Let Pegasus be Godfather, the crew
Of the nine Muses, Gossips; so adieu.

I desired no answer, therefore stayed not till the return of the messenger, but rid that night to Maidenhead.


He comes up to London, sends to a particular friend, whom he could confide in, to come to him, and re­quests him to compound with his Creditors, which he did in a short time; and in a short time after, he attempts the robbing of an house, but is taken and clapt up in Newgate: The miseries of an impri­soned estate, with the manner of his escape out of that Prison.

THe next day I rode towards London, and about twylight took up my quarters in the Suburbs: the day following, I sent for a friend whom I could put confidence in, who came immediately upon the reception of my Letter. I communicated to him my intentions, who was very glad to hear of my resolution; yet I would not acquaint him how strong I was, nor by what means procured: 'twas enough that I gave him commission how far forth he should proceed, and no farther, which was half a Crown per pound. He went (after I had given him a list of them all) to every one particularly, and treated with them so cunningly, and they despairing of ever recovering a farthing, conde­scended to his proposals; whereupon he gets them all to subscribe, and then brings the Paper to me, which I exceedingly well liked of. According to the day appointed, he carried them the Money, which every one received [...]oportionably, each man respectively giving me his general release from the beginning of the world: they to whom I had confest Judgements, filled according to Law [Page 19] their discharges. But when my Creditors a little while afterward, saw me walk the streets in so splendid garb, some of them were ready to die with anguish; but that which troubled them most, was my supercilious looks when I met any of them, and my slighting salutations. What I did in this respect was only to have the freedom of walking the streets, without the molestation of chargable arrests. I kept such deboistcom­pany, that the remaing part of my money grew low, and in a very short time after was all spent. All my drunken Companions failed me, and I having nothing left me but my cloaths, ne­cessity made me to condescend to the enquiry af­ter the kind-natured Gentlewoman my Wife: her nearest relations could not give me any ac­count of her, giving her over for lost. I wandred up and down, imploying all the powers of my wit and invention, in the search of what might conduce to supply my present necessities. While I was thus hammering out some new design on the Anvil of experience, I bethought my self where probably I might find my Wife: First, I went to Ratcliff high-way, and made enquiry of Damma­ris, &c. the Metrapolitan Bawd of those parts, for a Gentlewoman of such a complexion, stature, and age, ('twas but a folly to mention her name, for those that follow that trade change their names as often as they do their places of abode) but that cart-load of flesh could give me no infor­mation, neither was it possible for me to have staid to hear it, she so stunk of Strong-waters, stronger then that Cask that never contained any thing else: I went down all along to the Cross, in [Page 20] my way I saw many Whores standing at their doors, giving me invitation; but being poor, they could not afford the charge of Fucus, so that their faces lookt much like a piece of rumpled Parch­ment, and by their continual traffick with Sea­mens Breeches, I could not come near them, they smelt so strongly of Tarpawlin and stinking Cod; yet still no tidings of her I sought for. From hence I went to Fleet-yard, but there they were so dawb­ed or plaistred with paint, & botcht with patches, that had I seen her there, it was impossible for me to have known her. Away I went to Luteners-lane, Sodom, and Dog and Bitch-yard; but the Pox, it seemed, had not yet fitted her for those places. From hence I went to Whetstons-Park, where I saw my Mad-dame standing at the door: her fre­quent trading, and those many shots she had re­ceived between wind and water in the service, had so altered her countenance, and disproporti­oned her body, that I knew not whether this Fri­gate was English or Flemish built: but at last, hail­ing whence she was, I boarded her, and made her lawful prize: mistake me not, I rummag'd not in her Hold, fearing she was a Fire-ship. The sight and knowledge of me, made her shed some Baby­lonish tears, which I took little notice of, know­ing them to be either customary to that Sex, or the effects of a moist brain. In we went together, where we had, according to the custom of the house, Pint-black-pots of small Ale for two pence, and quarterns of Strong-water half fill'd for six pence, with Biskets; which as soon as brought, every one broken, though not a bit afterwards eaten. We must be smoking too, though the Pipe [Page 21] must be thrown down carelesly, and often broken as soon as put to the lips: one of the Plyers being gone down to draw some more drink, she begged me to conceal my self for the present, and com­ply also with the cheating customs of the house, and she would willingly pay all. I had hardly smoakt two whiffs more, but that a fellow came where we were, swearing dam-me, why do you stay with this fellow, and leave me thus, you uncon­stant Quean? have I spent my estate on you, and must you now grow weary of me? and with that drew his knife, making a proffer to cut her nose off. I was so amazed at what I heard, and so irri­tated by passion, that I knew not which of them to be revenged on first. Sir, said I, I have been longer acquainted with her then you, and may justly claim a better title and more priviledge; but as you have affronted me, so I shall require sa­tisfaction instantly, nor referring our difference to be decided by the field, an Umpire that Cow­ards frequently make choice of: so drawing my knife also, and seizing on his nose, which I inten­ded to have divore'd from his face, I was prevent­ed, for it dropt off into my hand. This accident so astonisht me, and withal being much affrighted at the fight of his Deaths-head, I durst not meddle with him any further, lest handling any Member, it would have dropt off in the same manner: he made a blow at me, but instead of striking me, I expected when his fist would have flown from his body into my face: he kickt at me, but that leg being up, the other was incapable of supporting his body, and so he fell down. The old Bawd hear­ing this disturbance, ran to us as fast as the vast [Page 22] bulk of her body would give her leave, whose pace was not much swifter then a snail in his full carreer, who having fasted too long, by the con­stant repercussion of the Sun-beams on him in a misting morning, forrageth a garden for pillage. From the place whence she started, to that where we scuffled, was about six yards distance; and from the time of her setting forward, to the time she came to us (not to belye the woman) was about half an hour, and then too, out of breath, for the haste she made. Sirrah, sirrah, said she, come you hither to breed quarrels, and abuse civil Gentle­men, and it may be build a sconce too? get you out of my house, you Rascal, or I'll scald you out. By this time the Pimp came to their assistance, and so they all conjoyned to shove this poor fel­low out of doors: and notwithstanding he had for two or three years frequented the house, yet they neither pitied nor relieved him as a maimed souldier, the marks whereof were a sufficient te­stimony, besides the loss of a Member or two. Ha­ving discharged my reckoning, my Wife appoin­ted me a place where I should meet her. Having now conveniency and privacy of discourse, we wav'd every thing that tended not to my present design, which was the contrivance of some way to live. At last we resolved to take an house and live together; I thought it was as good to be Pimp to my own Wife, by which means the major part of the gain would be mine, as Pimp to another for 12 pence a day and spunging. What we had de­termined, we soon put in execution: what money she had was laid out in utensils belonging to our Trade, as for bedding, linnen, chairs and stools, [Page 23] &c. The Tally-man or Broker, who sells his goods to be paid by 12 d. a pound per week, the truth of it is, we found of him, but more especially his servants excellent customers; for they would for a private favour, cut off a score, sometimes two or three from the Tally. Our stock being but small, my Wife was forced to be both Bawd and Whore; but our trade increasing, she goes frequently to the Carriers, where at last she had pickt up a cou­ple of very well-featured Country-girls, and brings them home, entertaining them as servants; but shewing as much kindness in them, as if they had been our nearest kindred, purposely to induce them to stay: The Whore, my Wife, intended to have sold their Maiden-heads at a dear rate; but in truth, I ever lov'd such things too well to put them to sale, having them in my possession. To be sure thereof, I gathered my Rose-buds the first night, lest the infectious and contagious breath of some one Suburbicarian should blast them: in four days time afterwards, I fitted them for their occupations, leaving the instructive part thereof to my Wife to season them withal. I never saw two young Jades understand their trade sooner in my life; for in a Months time they could Cant indifferently, Wheedle most cunningly, Lye con­foundedly, Swear desperately, pick a Pocket dex­teriously, Dissemble undiscernably, drink and smoak everlastingly, Whore insatiately, and bra­zen out all their actions impudently. Now did I begin to renew my acquaintance with the Tribe of Rogues, with whom I grew so intimate, that I was seldom out of their company, either at home or abroad. To relate all the tricks & rogueries we [Page 24] committed in one half year, were an half years work: therefore to be short, we were grown so no­torious, and so generally taken notice of, that at last my Wife, and her two Maids of dishonour, were apprehended by the Marshals men, and car­ried to Bridewel; I my self narrowly escaping by flight: The next day I boldly went to visit them; methought their beating of hemp became them excellent well; and in troth I'll say this for them, there hath not been seen in that place a more ser­viceable strong-dockt Crew for many years. Look­ing very earnestly upon that Hemp my Wife was beating, a deep fit of Melancholy seized me, pro­ceeding only from my imagination; for I fanci­ed that very Hemp would make that very Rope which should put a period to my life. The time of my visiting them, fell out on the day of their cor­rection; understanding so much, I resolved to stay and see them well lasht, I hop'd: My Wife being manacled, and the whip ready to encircle her Waste; Hold, said I, and then directing my self to the Masters of Bridewel; May it please your Wor­ships, this woman now under correction, is the most impudent brazen-fac'd Whore in the whole Town; I have known her a long time, ever since, and some small time before she undid her Hus­band, a very honest man indeed, and had the good report of all his Neighbours; but this confident Slut could not then be content without her Stal­lion, whom she maintained by what she purloin'd from her Husband, and so utterly ruined him: since she hath been the destruction of several, some in their estates, others in their bodily health, and now so far from being penitent, that she glories in [Page 25] nothing more, then in the relation of how many she hath undone here and hereafter: wherefore I beseech your Worships, for my friend's sake, that good honest man, and for the good of her own soul, add one half-dozen stripes to the number in­tended, and let them be laid home. I had no sooner ended my speech, but I vanisht immediate­ly. Just as I was out of the gate, I met with two of my roguing friends, whom the Devil had sent, I think, to way-lay me: they were going, it seems, to see some of their Doxies, that had that day been committed. Being over-joy'd to meet me so accidentally, they would needs have me go to the Tavern with them: over a glass of wine we consulted about divers matters, no goodness to be sure; the result whereof was, that I should go to such an house, and try if by any means I could get into it unperceived, and abscond my self in order to my opening the door for them about twelve a clock. According to the time nominated I went, and with much facility conveyed my self into a lower room, wherein there was a bed, under which I crept, being confident I might lie there securely, till all the houshold were retired to take their rest. After I had lain about some two hours on the ground, there came into this room a ser­vant; I peept out, and by the light of his candle, saw that which I thought would have distracted me with fear; it was the laying the cloth, by which I understood, the Master of the house intended to sup there: suddenly after, meat was brought in and served to the Table; then came five or six persons, who passing divers complements (all which needless ceremonies at that time, I wisht [Page 26] with their inventers were stark naked upon the top of the Snowy Alps) every one took seats. Had not there been at that time some small pratling children running up and down, and making a noise, the affright their appearance had put me in, would have betrayed me; for my knees knockt so hard one against the other, that they made a noise like a Mill-clack, or the striking of two mar­row-bones together: for my life I could not pre­vent the Palsie from seizing every limb of me. My cruel fates had so ordered it, that there was a small Dog in the room, and a Cat, both dearly beloved by their Mistress; who would be conti­nually flinging down something other, which they continually quarrelled about, as jealous and en­vious upon the distribution of their Mistress fa­vours: at length she threw down a small bit; the Cat being somewhat a more nimble servitor, and diligent waiter than the Dog, took it, & ran with it underneath the Bed; the Dog ran after the Cat snarling, endeavouring to affright her, that she might forsake the purchase: The Dog approach­ing near, and too much intrenching upon her right, she puts him in minde of his duty, by one scratch with her Claw, and chastiseth him for his rashness with two or three more: this so angred him, that he made a furious assault upon Puss, who defended herself as well as she could; but at length they closed and grappling each other, they made a most hideous noise. The spot in which they fought this combat, was underneath the Bed upon my buttocks: The servant that attend­ed being over hasty to quell the noise, by parting the fray, snatched up the fire-shovel, and throws [Page 27] it underneath the Bed; had it hit my nose with the edge, as it did my breech with the handle, I should have had it pared off even with my face. The Cat instantly provides for her safety by flight, but the Dog still remained behind grum­bling, and now and then barking with such eager­ness, that he became very offensive to the whole company. Wherefore the servant was commanded to drag him forth, which he he did, beating him, and throwing him out of doors: in the mean time I was left in such a condition, as if I had been breathing my last. As soon as the door was open'd, the Dog came in underneath the Bed with more fury than before: this second alarm did my bu­siness (or as they vulgarly say, made me do my bu­siness) for running fiercely on me, he had bit me by the nose, but that I snatch't away my head from him: but not observing the Bed-post behind, I thought I had dashed my brains out against it; fear also having berest me of my retentive facul­ty, I did let flie at one and the same time, which made so strange a noise together, that they all rose from the table to see what was the matter: their noses quickly informed them of some part, for the room was presently strongly scented; looking un­derneath the bed, they could see poor Jain Perus, giving up the Ghost (as dying persons usually e­vacute their ordure before their departure) they pulling me forth, and quickly revived me, they roughly handled me, and then beat me, till I was ene dead again. Being taken in the present offence, I could expect no other but to be subject to the ri­gour of their vengeance; I could make no plea sufficient to stay their fury, or satisfie their re­venge: [Page 28] having fetcht a Constable, I was carried be­fore a Justice of Peace, who with little examinati­on caused my Mittimus to be drawn, and so I was sent to Newgate. I was no sooner within, and un­der lock and key, but fetters confined my legs from stragling, and bracelets were ciapt upon my arms. The Rogues came all flocking about me for their Garnish, which I gave them: some of the gen­tiler sort added more to it, so that we had a bun­dance of drink. But never did I hear so confused a din of Dam-me and Sink me: others singing so loud (alias roating) that I thought my self in Hell, and that these were damned souls that roared through extreamity of torments. I thought none had been so wicked as my self, till I came among these Hell­hounds. Not a word came from any of their mouths, but what was seconded with an Oath, cursing their bad Stars, and Blaspheming. The Misery of this or any other prison is sufficiently represented, if by nothing else then want of liberty, that rich inhe­ritance of living souls: as it is the greatest of in­joyments, next that imperial Gem of health, so the want thereof next to sickness must needs be of all other the most bitter. Since then to be consined to the confines of the Goal, is to be in part un­man'd, entomb'd alive, what and how great is that wretchedness that is occasioned not only by a want of liberty, but by a continual dread of shamesul death! The terror of this place full of torture is so exasperated by the imagination of a noble mind, that Hell it self cannot contain more exquisite woes and pains, a continuance whereof were sufficient to punish all offences, if the Law dispenced with that debt due to Justice, the life of the offender. Your companions are [Page 29] none but licentious wretches, souls which daily surround you with their loath some persons over­spread with scabs and lice. Here sighing is our air, our comfort coldness, our food despair, our musick ratling of chains, our recreation the destruction of vermin; lastly, our expectation death and damna­tion. The keeper with the gri [...] aspect of his stern countenance makes us tremble, with fear of a new martyrdom, whilst the insulting raskal on the tiptoes of his pride need not skrew his ill-fa­voured face to a frown, for he knows not how to look otherwise; which so dejects the spirits of we poor imprisoned slaves, that the contrition of our looks seems to implore his smiles, whose flinty heart having renounced remorse, casts a desiance in our sad and pitiousfaces. I might insist much further, but that I am hastning to get out of the miserable and soul-excruciating prison. One day after I had exonerated nature, I chanced to view the seat, and found that it was no difficult mat­ter to go down the vault by the help of a Rope. A trusty friend coming to see me, I told him what I had observed, and what I wanted: some three days before the Sessions, he brought me Rope e­nough to have hanged us all. Having a respect un­to two more, which I honoured for their admira­ble good parts, I informed them of what I in­tended; which presently we put in execution. First I went down, but I could have wished my self up again; for I was up to the neck, and knew not but I might be deeper, but to my great com­fort I found to the contrary: the rest descended af­ter me, with the like good success. Having gotten us to an house, in which we could put confidence, we quickly sreed our selves from our Iron tackle.


He and his two Comrades (which he had delivered) disguise themselves, and having been old experi­enced Gamesters, they taught him all the tricks on Cards, by which they usually cheated their Cullies or Mouths, and also how to nap, palm, or top a Dye; With all things thereunto belonging.

WE had places enough to send to for change of apparel, as rich as we pleased, or as beg­gerly again on the contrary, according as our de­sign required. Having layen in Lavender about a fortnight in this house, not only to sweeten us, but that the rumour of our escape, and search for us might be over, we got our selves change of ha­bits: Then did we all consult with our Looking­glasses for the change of our faces, not suffering our own judgements to pass, without the appro­bation of the rest. In the first place I got me a coal­black Perriwig (my own hair being flaxen) and a small false beard suitable, with whiskers in the Spanish fashion: It was no great trouble to black my eye-brows every morning; then clapping a patch on my left eye, stealing out of the room, while my Companions were busied about the same thing, not minding me, and coming in again pre­sently, my appearance did put them all into a ve­ry strange confusion. I changed my voice, and asked them what they were doing; and speaking to them in a tone they were not acquainted with, their chops mov'd incessantly, but the Devil a [Page 31] word I could understand; they had got a palsie in their jaws by their sudden surprizal: To have observed the several Mankey-saces, and Baboon­postures, could not but extract laughter from the severest Cynick. Why don't you answer me, and that quickly, ye sneaking dumb Rascals? Look­ing most piteously one upon the other, expecting who should speak first, at last said one, We mean no harm, we are only preparing some things for a Mask, which shortly will be presented to the Ci­tizens, and we are persons therein concerned. I could not hold longer, but burst forth into an excessive laughter, by which they understood their mistake, not without shame enough to think that the apprehension of danger so slightly grounded, should so terrifie them, being struck dumb, and almost dead with a pannick fear. To be brief, we very well liked the manner of our Metamorpho­sis; and having borrowed some money as the ne­cessary tools of our intended Trade, we adventu­red abroad. The first Mouth we pickt up was in the Long-walk by Christ-Church, upon the account of a wager: there came towards us a young man, who by his garb seemed to be a Merchants man (he afterwards proved so, and his Casheer) I stept to him, and said, Sir, if it may not be too trouble­some to you, I beseech you resolve me one questi­on: This Gentleman hath laid an Angel with me, and referr'd the decision thereof to the next that came this way, whether this next adjacent Hospital be S. Thomas's, or S. Bartholomew's. Said the yong man, I can assure you it is S. Bartholomews. Why then friend (said I) you have lost. Sir, will you be pleased (if it may not be any great hindrance [Page 32] to your present affairs) accompany us to the next Tavern, and participate of the losings? for I scorn to pocket it. He condescended, and so we went to­gether: we discovered not any thing till the sixth pint, and then my friend, as by chance found a pair of Cards in a corner of the window, which he himself had layed there before. Here is a pair of Cards (said he) come, to pass away the time, let us play for a pint or so; so I really took up my friend, Putt was the game; I won of him two or three pints, and ever and anon I would drink to the stranger, so that now he began to be warm'd, and seemed to take delight in our play, looking over my hand, and sometimes prompting me to see him when he did put to me. At last my friend played the High Game, as the term of Art renders it; that is, he gave me two Trays and an Ace, and reserved for himself two Trays and a Duce. My Antagonist puts to me: I pretended I knew not what to do, shewed my game to the stranger that looked over my shoulder: he jogs me on the Elbow; I still delayed: come Sir (said my oppo­nent) what will you do? I will hold you five pound on these very Cards in my hand. I receiv'd the second jog: will you go my halfs Sir, said I? He answered me, that he would. But alass, we lost: it could be no otherwise. This so animated the stranger, that he perswaded me to play again, and that he would go the moyety of every stake. Sometimes 'twas so ordered that I won, but in fine, I lost forty pound, my Cully being half. He would now give over, being much perplex'd that he should thus lose his Masters money: but that he might forget the condition he was in, we drank [Page 33] round some half a dozen healths: So that now I thought it high time to provoke him again to let down his milk by some new trick or stratagem.

Now did we sall to the Preaching of the Parson, a trick on the Cards, which hath deceived the most curious eye, and the wariest of men; with which we gained from our young Merchant, the major part of his money.

Lastly, to the intent we might without any fur­ther delays give him an acquittance for the rest of his money, we drew out some other imple­ments, viz. Dice fixt for our purpose, as High­fullums, which seldom run any other chance then four, five, and six; Low-fullums, which run one, two, and three, &c.

By these means we sent him home penniless and heartless, whilest we drank healths to the con­fusion of sorrow.


From hence he goes, by the direction of his Comrades, to a new-fashion Bawdy-house; he describes it, and relates his own success.

UPon the division we found each mans share to amount to 40 l. apiece. Being overjoy'd at our first good success, we resolv'd to return thanks for our good fortunes in some private Meeting-house, where we might have a Sister to assist in the carrying on the work of the day. The Devil in all Societies never wants his Factor, or one to sollicit his business: For, I had no sooner intimated my desires, but presently one of my Rope-brokers gave me information of a place fit for that purpose, and that the like was not any where to be found. Being prickt on with the de­sire of novelty, and to understand the curiosities therein, I went according to my directions solely; for company in such designs commonly frustrates expectations. They advised me when I came to the door, to pretend I came to enquire out lodg­ings: At the first, I verily thought my self abused by these Rogues, or mistaken in the house, when I saw a Porter standing at the door with his tipt­staff: To undeceive my self, I confidently, yet civilly askt him, whether there were any Lodg­ings to be let there? Yes Sir, (said he) which you may view if you will give your self the trouble of walking in. I had no sooner entred the door, but I was met by a grave Matron, who readily under­stood [Page 35] (as I conceived) my approach by her senti­nels above in the windows. Madam (said I) I am informed, that here are lodgings to be let. There is so, Sir, (said she) and with that conducted me into her Parlor (which was gallantly furnished) there to take a stricter view of me, as to my per­son, but more especially my garb, by which she might partly judge how well lined my pockets were. After the resolution of some trivial questi­ons, for discourse sake, she was so well satisfied in me, that she shewed me the way up one pair of stairs, into a very large and fair Dining-room hung with rich Tapistry, and adorned round with excellent Pictures, the Effigies of divers Ladies (as I took them to be) renowned and celebrated in all ages, for the fairest and most beautiful of that Sex. A servant brought us up, immediately after our entry into that room, a bottle of Sack, without any order given, as I could perceive; out of which the old Gentlewoman drank to me, expressing my welcome. For want of other dis­course (as I thought) because we were both silent a while, for I was contemplating her face, in which I could then see still the goodly ruines of a beautiful and handsome countenance; Sir, said she, as you are a Gentleman, you may have some knowledge in that noble Art of Limning, since for its excellency it is in these our days (and hath been in most ages) much studied by the Gentry of this Nation; wherefore, your judgement, Sir, which of all these Pictures is the best drawn, or according to the rules of Physiognomy, hath the best features? Madam, said I, I shall freely give you my judgement; which is, This, in my opinion, [Page 36] (pointing at one) for she hath a full large front, her archt eye-brows are thick and black, without any stragling hairs; her eyes are of the same co­lour, and by their intuitive faculty seem to pene­trate that which they look on; passing her cheeks, which carry in them an excellent air, and her nose, which is neither too long nor too short, view her lips, whose plumpness and redness resemble a double Cherry; and then for the dimples in her cheeks and chin, I could make them the subject of an whole days discourse: what might be said more of this representation I shall wave, wishing my self no greater happiness, then to discourse the rest with the real substance, which is not im­possible, Sir, if you can have but the faith to be­lieve your own eyes; and so instantly thereupon withdrew her self, leaving me amazed at what I had already seen, my heart the mean time beat­ing an alarm to my passions, to be all in readiness at the approach of this Celestial Creature. Hear­ing a rushing of Silks, I drew my eyes off the Pi­cture, and looking towards the door, there I saw enter an Angel; for I could not believe there could be so much perfection in any one mortal: with profound reverence I stood at a distance, ad­miring, or rather adoring her person, till she smi­lingly and familiarly desired me to sit down. Be­ing come to my self, I could talk to her; and in half an hour, confidence had repossest her ancient seat in me. It will not only take up too much time, but also offend the ears of the modest Reader, here to insert what discourses we had; therefore I wave them, and come to the conclusion. Sir, said she, I question not but that you are acquainted [Page 37] with the customs of the House. I protested to her, I was altogether ignorant. Why, you know that you may call for what Wine you please, not ex­ceeding four Bottles; and if you please to eat, you shall have some choice bit suitable to the sea­son, &c. if you stay not all night, your expence shall be but forty shillings, and you shall have to boot, the enjoyment of a Mistress besides: but if you stay all night, then thus must you do (and with that drew forth ten pieces of Gold) whether you fancy me or any else, that matters not, you must deposit before you go to bed ten pound, lay­ing it underneath your own head, and for every kiss, &c. take a piece back again, and if you draw in this manner all your own stake, you may next day be dismist with a great deal of applause, without expending a penny, but what you shall be pleased to distribute voluntarily among the servants. I was stark mad to be at it, and so im­patient, that I presently told out ten pieces. Tel­ling my money the next morning, I found I had eight pound of my ten, but I deserved to have my money trebled: however, for the present, I thought forty shillings was never better spent, nor husbanded with so much recreation and delight. By her I understood what manner of cattel they were that frequented that house, though prosti­tutes and free-booters, yet such as scorned a piece of Country-dirt: some whereof, were persons of no mean quality, which came thither to satisfie (what was impossible to do) their insatiate lusts, and therefore enacted that Law or Custom of de­positing ten pieces, meerly to incite such who were confident of themselves to make trial of [Page 38] their skill for the lucre of gain; and to the intent that it might not be discovered, either by their Husbands, or such relations or friends that had received causes of jealousie, they had their peep­ing-holes, where they might plainly and fully see such who came upon the like accounts. If the Gentleman was unknown to that Gentlewoman whose Picture he elected to bear him company that night, she with much freedom would appear, and tender her self as the subject of his pleasure; otherwise abscond her self. If so, and the Gen­tleman press hard for a sight of her the Picture represented, why then Madam Bawd finds some excuse or other, as that Picture she bought ca­sually at second-hand as she past through Long­lane, or that it was the gift of some friend of hers: with many other fictions, meerly to make him de­sist from the pursuance of his desires. Being very much pleased in the satisfaction of my fancy, I took my leave, not without some acknowledge­ment thereof, in these consequent lines.

What is a Bawdy-house? I fain would know:
It is a thing appears so by the show.
Is that a Brothel, or an house of State,
Where Tip-staff Porters do attend the gate?
This was a stately house, and yet was such;
In stately houses Ladies take a touch.
It must be so, th'have little else to do,
Then study how to answer those that woo.
Such pamper'd flesh must yield, and few gain-says
Their own lusts motions, but with formal nays;
Rather then want that satisfaction, most
Stick not to purchase it, though at the cost
[Page 39] Of health and wealth; delighting thus in sence,
They never think too much the recompence.
Why should they then fond souls rail at an Whore,
Since they themselves are on that very score?
And damn all Brothels too to Hell; but stay
What house is not a Brothel-house, I pray?
Many I've seen, with this none can compare;
A new Exchange, where Ladies sell their Ware
To none; they scorn thereon to set a price,
But leave it solely to the Chapinans choice:
Here by a female Council 'twas judg'd fit,
He that reaps pleasure here, must pay for it;
Not with his purse, so much as brawny back,
Solely affecting such who holds them tack:
And to provoke men on, no want of Wine;
Nay, all delights do here in one combine
To raise mens fancy, that he may do o're
That thing he did but even then before.
Her rosie dimpled cheeks, vermilion lips,
Did blush to see her ivory thighs and hips:
Her round soft belly swell'd with pride, for lo!
Like a small Hill 'twas overspread with snow:
Let but a warm hand touch it, and it will
Its moisture into pearly drops distil.
We kist and parted, I sigh'd, she did sob;
She for her lusty Lad, I for my Mob.


He finds out his two Comerades (the Gamesters) and after some consultation had, they resolved to reas­sume their quondam trade of Padding; are taken and committed to Newgate.

FRom this house of pleasure, (where I must in­geniously confess I never received more for so little expence) I went in search of my two Gamesters, whom casually I met: The next Ta­vern was our Council-chamber, where Wine was the dictator. We there unanimously concluded, it was a thing beneath us to pick up here and there Crowns or Angels, but resolved on Have at all, knowing that a five hours adventure might make us possessors of 500 l. With this resolution we went and bought us horses, with all things requi­site for our intended expedition: being all ready and well prepared, we took our leaves of London for a while; we had not rid above fifteen miles, but we baited: the Hostler knowing me, and what designs I had formerly been upon, and imagining I was steering the same course, whispered me in the ear, that he had a desire to speak with me instant­ly: taking my opportunity, under the pretence of looking to my horse, he informed me, that there were three within drinking, that on the next morning would travel such a Road, and that they had a great charge with them. I thankt him, bidding him come to my chamber at night, where I would discourse farther with him. Then [Page 41] he gave me a summary account of all; and after a smart drinking-bout, with promises to him of reward if we prospered, we betook our selves to our rest: in the morning very early we called for our horses, and rid in that very Road through which those three Travellers were to pass, where we planted our selves very conveniently: about three hours after, we could discern them at a di­stance; by that time we had made our selves rea­dy, they were at hand: just at the bottom of a small hill we bid them stand; they askt us to what intent: We told them, that we were younger Brothers, and wanted mony, and therefore must borrow some of them. With that, they all in an instant drew their swords; being not unprovided with Pocket-pistols, we fired at them, and they a­gain at us: we were all at level-coyl; and very e­qually marcht; the second shot killed my horse, and a fourth bereaved my Consort of life; the third Rogue ran away: being in a labyrinth of perplexity, I thought it the best way to sel my life at as dear a rate as I could (knowing very well, that if I were taken I should be hanged.) I fought with my sword as long as I could stand upon my legs, wounding both them and their horses; but at last one unhappily ran me through the sword­hand, and thereupon I was disarmed. I was car­ried by them before the next Justice of Peace, whom they enquired out, and by a Mittimus was committed. I could not now expect any thing but death: but the next news I heard was, that I must be removed to Newgate, there being other things to be alleadged to my charge. I was moun­ted again, in order to my removal, but very ill [Page 42] hors'd, being bound thereunto and pinnion'd. My greatest grief (when I came into London-streets) was to hear the various discants of the good wo­men on me; some saying, What a pity it is such an handsome young man should come to the gal­lows so soon? Others judged I had deserved it, otherwise I should not have rid to Town in that posture pinnion'd, and so attended with a guard. As soon as the Keeper saw me, leaping for joy, O Sir, are you come again? we will take care that you shall not be any more annoyed with smells proceeding from the Vault; and so without more ado, laid as much iron on me, as there is in some Smiths shops, and confined me close Prisoner to the Dungeon.

Which made me curse those acts the Fates have done,
To cause a setting ere a rising Sun:
But since my doom is now decreed by Fate,
I must indur't, repentance is too late.


He much condemns the follies of his past actions, and in token of his unseigned repentance, gives some ge­neral instructions to his Country-men, first how to know Padders on the Road, by infallible signs; with other remarques worthy the observation of any Traveller, laid down in some consequent Chapters.

BEing in this terrestrial Hell, (where darkness, horror and despair surrounded me) my con­science started out of her dead sleep, and present­ly demanded of me a severe account of what I had done. My guilt was such, I had not a word to speak for my self, but wished my production (as my a­ctions were) in humane. What did not then the apprehension of an approaching and unavoidable death, suggest to my thoughts! to have only dy­ed (though with the most exquisice, terrifying, and soul-excruciating tortures) was not a thing the spirit of man should shrink at; but the consi­deration of an eternal punishment hereafter, just­ly inflicted on such who have offended an infinite God, absolutely distracted me: So that me­thoughts, I already heard the howls and hollow grones of damned Souls, which add to the weight of their everlasting misery. Having somewhat appeased my enraged conscience, by a faithful promise and constant resolution to lead a new life, if I should escape the danger of the Law, I determined with my self, to shew the first Fruits [Page 44] of my reformation, by publishing something to the world, that might serve as a guide for Travellers, how they might pass in safety on their way. To that purpose I acquainted my Keeper with my good intentions; but that being no particular profit to him, he valued not the publick, and therefore rejected my good moti­on, till I greas'd his fist, and then I had the ac­commodation of a Candle, Pen, Ink and Pa­per, &c. The uncertainty of their attire, vari­ous diseases, non-constancy of residence, & chan­geable names, makes me incapable to do what I would: Therefore I will do what I can (ac­cording to my small experience, occasioned by my no long continuance among them.) Riding on the Road (if you have company) it may be two or three shall overtake you, and seem to be much afraid of you: they will pretend to be even now set upon by half a dozen stout fellows, but that they did beat the Rogues, forcing them to fly for safety: and this fiction they use to seal with basket-hilt­oaths: thus by your answers they will finde whether you dare fight; if not, they will wait an opportunity to act their roguery on you; which having done, as a reward for what un­willingly you have left them, they will pretend to give you a word shall protect you better than your sword, from any injury shall be done you upon the like account: but this is nothing else than a meer cheat, and no securing charm; for we valued not words, when our wants were in pursuit of Monies. Not but that we used some formal words among our selves, when ready to [Page 45] seize a prize; and observing other company, ei­ther before or behind, to defist a while, by which we knew what we had to do, and the ignorant Travellers suspected no wrong.


What is to be taken heed unto, before the Traveller begins his Journey.

MOst respected Country-men, and more espe­cially you, who frequently pass the Road, the most part of my notorious wicked life having been consumed in all manner of cheats and de­bauchery, and that in part of late maintained by robbing: seeing now the wretchedness of that course of life, and being sensible of the injury I have done my Country, I looked upon my self as bound to satisfie the debt I owe to you, to the ut­termost of my power, which reacheth to an act not more satisfactory, than good advice how to avoid those dangers which too many of late days have fallen into, fince Dammee Plumes of Feathers came in fashion. First then, if you carry a charge about you, make it not known to any, and conceal the time of your departure in your own breast; for it is a custom no less common than indiscreet and foolish, among some sort of persons, to blaze abroad among their reputed friends, the time of their intended journey, and vaingloriously make them acquainted with what considerable sums they should carry with them; by which means [Page 46] the Son hath oftentimes betrayed the Father, and one friend another, by informing or comploteing with some of the Padding society; the discoverer sharing (for giving notice of the prize) one quarter or more of the gain he betrays, when but for this foolish humour they had not been way-lay'd. A­gain, have a special care, both of the Hostler, Chamberlain and Host himself: the two first the Thief is sure to bribe, and the last, in expectati­on of a share with them (as it is so ordered) or in hopes that the major part of what they get shall be prosusely spent in his house, gives them items where the booty lies. Especially be sure on the road to associate with none but such as you finde inclined rather to leave your company then keep it; for they are very suspicious persons, and often­times prove dangerous, that press into your socie­ty, and are very inquisitive to know whither you intend, spinning out the time with many imper­tinent questions. But if you would know whether the strangers intentions be honestly inclined, take occasion to make some stay; observe you in the mean time their motion: for if they make an halt, or alight, so that you may overtake them, follow at a distance; but if their pace be so slow that you needs must overtake them, look about you, and provide for your safety, for there is no surer symptom of an Highway-man than such purposed delays. The other usual marks of such Maths be these; they commonly throw a great Leaguer-cloak over their shouldiers, covering their face, or else they have visibly disguised their faces in some manner or other. Now of late they finde very useful a Vizard in every respect (but [Page 47] for the largeness) like the a-la-mode Vizard-masks so much worn by Gentlewomen, who endeavour to conceal the shame of their wanton actions by absconding their faces. If you meet with any who have none of these things, as soon as they come somewhat near you, fix your eye full in their face: if they turn their heads from you, keep your di­stance, and ride from them with what expedition you can; but being surprized by any you know, be very careful that you discover it not to them; for these Desperado's never think themselves secure, till they have prevented your giving intelligence, by cutting asunder the thread of your life. Observe whether their beards and hair of their head agree in a colour, and are not counterfeit: and be sure to beware of him that rides in a Mountier-cap, and of such as whisper oft; or of any one single person that intrudes into your company; for that is one way they have to ensnare the Traveller: he will tell you a great many merry and facetious stories, meerly to ingratitate himself with you; which having obtained, he shews himself more than ordinary civil, and so fearful of any thing that may prejudice his new acquaintance, that he no sooner espies two riding toward them, but he apparently trembles, and will presently question his new friends, what charge they have about them: if little, the best way were to yeild to these approaching persons, if Thieves, rather than ha­zard a life; but if it be any thing considerable, he will presently vow to be true to them, and rather than they should come to any danger or loss, he will fight with them as long as he hath breath. These so causlesly suspected, were perhaps down­right [Page 48] honest fellows: but before they have travel­led five miles further, 'tis ten to one but they o­vertake two or three more, one it may be riding aside with twists of Hay instead of Boots, it may be with a Fork, Bill, or Goad in his hand, like a Country-Boor. It may be your newly-entertain­ed treacherous Friend will tell you that he will make good sport with this Country-Bumpkin, and so to that purpose ask him some foolish imperti­nent question, which the other shall answer as ri­diculously; so spinning out the time till a conve­nient place and a fit opportunity serve; then shall this pretended friend seize one of you him­self, and my Hedge-creeper turn Hector, and lay hold on another: and now will it be in vain for you to strive, for nothing but money will ransom you out of their hands.


Instructions in what manner, at what time, and what Road is most safe to ride.

THere are so many ways to rob the innocent, that it behoveth every man to be very cir­cumspect, how, when, and where he rides. If you have a quantity of money about you, chuse rather to ride by night then day; for by this means you are freed from any Horseman or Cutter whatever. But this course cannot seal your protection from base sheep-stealing penny-Rogues, the baseness and lowness of whose spirits wil stoop for a Noble, though they hang for their pains; therefore take [Page 49] heed of their long poles, and that they do not suddenly start out and lay hold on your bridle. As for the nobler sort of Rogues, this they believe as an undeniable Maxime, that none will ride by night that are worth the robbing. Besides, they are oblig'd to take their Inn betimes, lest through mistrust they should be apprehended: Moreover, they hardly dare adventure in the dark, because they cannot discern what dangerous defences the assailed have, as Pistols, or other private weapons in readiness, nor see their own advantages: and withal, it will be no difficult matter to convey in the obscurity of the night, what they have undis­covered, into some ditch. Chuse to travel in by­roads, for it is a general rule with High-way-men, to keep their station on the greatest Roads, that of the number that pass by, they may select such as they think will prove the richest booties. Here now as a Corollary, take notice of a foolish cu­stom: Some when they ride by any place that commonly speaks danger, they will bustle up to­gether side by side, which is the usual overthrow of such. Wherefore take my counsel here, when ere you ride, in fear especially, ride sar asunder, at least a stones throw by so doing none durst set upon you, fearing lest this stragling order give some leave to escape undoubtedly, and so raise the Country in their pursuit.


How a man is to behave himself if beset or sur­prised.

WHen the Rogue bids you stand, look not about as if amazed, or hoping for a rescue; for this doth but encourage them to the height of resolution and expedition: but looking sternly, as if fear were a stranger to you, making your brow the throne of rage and fury, draw, and un­dauntedly tell them, that though you have but little, yet you would willingly sacrifice your life rather then lose a penny; and add ten more to it (if you had them) then have your reputation stained with cowardise. This is the readiest and most certain way to save both your money and credit; for they fighting with a guilty conscience within and without, against a Country, Law, and Justice, if nobly a man resists (this I know experi­mentally) the stoutest, and most undaunted, and highest spirit of them all will stoop to discourage­ment. Some I have known, that durst outbrave the roaring Cannon to the mouth, yet their cou­rages have found an alteration, when on this ac­count they have met with a bold and nobly re­solved Antagonist: but if by your own negligence, and the malevolency of fortune, the pleasure of your journey is eclipsed and clouded by a sudden surprisal, and that you see no hopes but that you must yield, be not so unwise to strive when it is too late, but give them the best words you can, [Page 51] and rack your wits to please their ear, most de­voutly wishing you had more moneys to supply their present occasions; and so banishing all de­jectedness from your looks, deliver some, and so perhaps they will let you pass without furcher search. If they make a second offer, yield freely to it: then it may be they will sift you soundly; never in that time lay your hand near your mo­ney, and seeming fearless, it will be a means to make their suspition of a greater sum to vanish. This I have known my selfe, that when I have taken so much as pleased me well, by means fear I have had grounds to think they had more, and so made me research; laying my hand but near the place where they had concealed the rest, sud­denly would they cry out, that they were undone, when as yet I had found nothing; but by this their foolish and undiscreet carriage I have found the remainder, which otherwise might have been secure and safe from me.


Directions, if robbed, how to follow the Thieves; which way to set Hue and Cry after them; how to coast, and where to find them.

IF you are robbed, there is no help but to indea­vour to surprize the Thieves by a strict pursuit: Therefore let no Remora or delay deter you from obtaining your wish, and so seize them that so lately seized you. In the first place, scowre the next Road, not streight before, but either on the right or left-hand; for they know Hue and Cries never cross the passages, but go straight along. If in so doing you miss them, then conclude they are sheltred in some Inn which you have past, and therefore you must set some careful Spies, with a sufficient assistance near at hand, and be confident you will see them come that way, without the least apprehension of fear, or fear of apprehensi­on. But this observe, that if they light of any con­siderable sum, then do they ride that night to their general Rendezvous in London, which is too sure a shelter for them: but observably take no­tice, for here is as eminent an example of their subtilty, as any ever the Devil enrich'd their knowledge with; For, if you are robbed in the eastern quarter, pursue them not in the direct Road to London with Hue and Cry, for by some other way they are fled; but haste to the City, and in Westminster, Holborn, the Strand and Co­vent-Garden search speedily, for there they are. If Northward they light on you, then to South­wark, [Page 53] the Bankside, or Lambeth they are gone; and when you find any one, seize all with him, for they are all Companions that are together.


Cordial advice, and infallible instructions for the Inn­keeper, how to know Thieves from his honest Guests.

MEthinks the many tragical examples of Inn­keepers, who have harboured and counte­nanced Thieves, were suflicient (I should think) to deter those that survive from doing the like; wherefore my advice to them in general is, that their chiefest care be, not to wink at any such life­destroying actions for hope of gain, lest that sweet be imbittered by future trouble and disgrace. That you may know them, observe these Rules: First, they are extraordinary curious about their horses; they will have them as strangely drest, as strangely fed, with Mashes, Bread, Flesh, and min­gled provender, and that in an unusual quantitie. If any wonder at the extraordinary feeding of their horses, they will endeavour to palliate their design therein, by telling that their tricks and good abilities deserve it: nay, sometimes they will boast, that their worthy services will soon repay the cost; using the like dark words to that effect, which are palpable grounds for suspition. It is their custom likewise, to ask, Whose horse is that? or, What is the owner thereof standing by? of what function or qualitie? whither he intends to travel? how far, and when? Observe again, [Page 54] that their Cloak-bags are for the most part empty, carrying them only but to make a shew. Next, the Chamberlain conducting them to their Chamber, he is presently dismist; but let him hearken, and if they are High-way men, 'tis ten to one but they fall to share what they have pur­chased that day; and he shall see every one taking his dividend, as well as hear the money, if he but narrowly pry into the Chamber. This they never defer, lest he which hath the purse should cheat the rest. But above all, for their discovery, make this trial; Cause one to knock hastily at the gate, giving him instructions in the mean time that at­tends on them, to observe their carriage then, and he shall see them start and stare in each others face with gastly looks, being struck with fear and amazement: speak so that they may hear you, seemingly to some or other in the house, asking what Officers those are? what is their business? or whom do they look for? or the like. If they seem much srighted, bid them fear not, for none shall search where they are, to offer them any in­jurie; and that they are as safe with him, as in a well-fortified Castle. By this means you may pry into their private thoughts and actions so far, as that you may gather, not only substantial grounds for more then bare conjectures, but it may be they will confess something too, desiring your concealment and succour, and they shall think themselves for ever ingaged: after this you may use your own discretion. Then again, you may perceive by their loitering and disiegard of time, what they expect; for they only bait but to ob­erve what purchase they can see pass by; which [Page 55] when they have espied, they will pretend imme­diate business calls them to be gone, and so mount in great haste. Again, when they come to in Inn to lodge, they commonly come in divided, or in several Companies, frustrating the Hue and Cry by their number: besides, if one part be sur­prized, the other may escape; and when the re­sidue comes in, they seem as strangers one to the other, enquiring of mine Host what their Compa­nions are, what Countrie-men, whether he knows them? and if they find he hath either jealousie or suspition of any of them, they will seign some business that necessitates their speedy departure: but if you take them for honest men, as they met by seeming chance in your Kitchin; so after some formal civil salurations, and drinking together, they soon become acquainted, and before they part, shew much familiaritie. Thus, as I was fai­ther endeavouring to lay open their devices and deceits, to repair what wrong my Countrie had sustained by me, word was brought me, that I must immediately appear at the Bar, and there answer what should be objected against me; and it was but just that I should be now exposed to the Law of Justice, since I had so often rejected and slighted the Law of Mercie.


He received sentence of Condemnation; he thereupon seriously contemplates Death, and considers Eternity.

APpearing at the Sessions, and seeing so many of my Adversaries ready to give in their e­vidence against me, I concluded my self a lost [Page 56] man; my very countenance betrayed both my thoughts of guilt and despair. In short, I received sentence of Death to be hanged at Tyburn by the neck till I was dead. I thought these sad tidings would have presently deprived me of my life, and so have saved the Hangman a labour. All the way I went back to Newgate, I fancied nothing but Gibbets stood in my way, and that I saw no other trades but Cord-winders. Being entred the pri­son, I was forth with put into the Dungeon, laden with shackles: I had not been many hours there, before a charitable Physician of the soul, I mean a Minister, came to visit me, who advised me, to re­pent, since it was high time; and endeavouring to disburden my conscience, by extracting from me a general ingenious confession of what enormous crimes I had committed. Finding this person to have no other design, but meerly for my souls sake, I dissected the actions of my whole life, not omitting any thing that might be accounted sinful, He was amazed to hear such notorious Ro­guery in one Man, and so young; wherefore, be­fore he applied any cordial, he administred his corrosives, and so thorowly searcht every corner of my heart, that there was nothing hid from him. In the first place, he made me sensible of the wick­edness of my life, and that every, nay, the least e­vil action, deserved the loss of eternal and inex­pressible happiness, and instead thereof, torments everlasting and intolerable. It will take up too much time, to give an account of every thing this pious man alleadged for my information, contri­tion, and consolation: so effectually and power­fully he delivered his divine Message, that the ob­durateness [Page 57] of my heart was able to hold out no longer, but melting into tears, was willing to have its flintiness broken by the hammer of Sacred Writ. Finding me in so good a temper, he left me to God and my self, for the perfecting of that work he had so hopefully and successfully begun. I began to consider what I was, only a statue of dust kneaded with tears, and mov'd by the hid en­gines of restless passions; a clod of earth, which the shortest Fever can burn to ashes, and the least showre of rheums wash away to nothing; and yet I made as great a noise in the world, as if both the Globes (those glorious Twins) had been unwomb­ed from that formless Chaos, by the Midwifry of my wit: all my actions were attended with so much success, and so answerable to my desires, as if I had been one of heavens privy-Counsellors; which swelled me up with so much arrogance, that I spake thunder, lookt lightning, and breath­ed destruction; and by the eloquence of my own vanity, I perswaded my self, that the machinati­ous of my brain were able to unhinge the Poles: but it is otherwise decreed, that the Ministers of Justice should put a period to my boundless pride, to make me know I am but a man, and that mor­tal too. And having but a short time to live, I thought it very requisite to think of that which must shortly be the means to convey me either to bliss or woe; by so doing, I seized on death be­fore it seized on me. It was the fittest subject I could busie my soul about; for what more hea­venly, than the thought of immortality? and what so necessary, as the thought of death? Seneca faith, When he was a young man, be studied to live [Page 58] well; when aged, how to dye well: but I never pra­ctised Artem bene vivendi, and therefore am so ig­norant in Arte bene moriendi; which makes me so fearful, that I know not how to be careful of not being found unprepared. Methinks I already hear that doleful saying, Its imparats in paratum. My sole companions were now despair and fear, for the King of fear is death; and indeed there is no­thing absolutely fearful, but what tends to death; and I am confident, the fear of death is worse than the pains of death: for, fear of death kills us often, whereas death it self can do it but once. Life would not be troubled with too much care, nor death with too much fear, because fears be­tray, and cares disorder those succours which reason would afford to both: and though some say, he is more sorrowful than is necessary, that is sorrowful before there is necessity; yet that soul cannot be in a good condition, so long as it fears to think of dying; but did I not sorrow now, and jutly fear that messenger that must bring me be­fore the Tribunal of Heaven, I should have too little time to wash away so many black spots, espe­cially having nothing but objects of terror and amazement before my eyes; but I never needed have feared what I should suffer when dead, if I had not deserved it whilst I lived. Life is not a­like to all men: To such a wicked wretch as I am, the best had been, that I never had been, and the next best were to live long; in this condition, it was ill for me that I was born, worse for me that I must die: for without unfeigned repentance, this dying life will bring me to a living death; where­as a good man is otherwise minded, he counts his [Page 59] end the best of his being, for that brings him to the fruition of his hope: could death end mise­ry, it should be the greatest happiness I would wish: but my conscience will not let me lye, for fear the end of my present miseries will be but the beginning of worse; yea, such as death it self cannot terminate. Now came into my minde the consideration of Eternity; and with it, I remem­bred how it was represented by the Ancients, which very much helpt my present Contempla­tion; which was thus: A vast Den full of horror, round about which a Serpent windes it self, and in the winding bites it self by the tail. At the right­hand of this Den, stands a young man of a most beautiful and pleasant countenance, holding in his right-hand a Bow and two Arrows, and in his left an Harp. In the entrance sits an old man op­posite, and having his eyes very intent on his Ta­ble-book, writes according to the dictations of the young man standing by. At the left-hand of this Den, sits a grave Matron gray-headed, and having her eyes always busied. At the mouth here­of, are four stairs ascending by degrees; the first is of iron, the second of brass, the third of silver, and the last of gold: On these are little children sporting up and down, playing, fearless, and in­apprehensive of falling. The sight of this Emblem of Eternity inculcated into my thoughts this in­terpretation: The Den, which was bottomless, signified to me the incomprehensibility of Eterni­ty; the circumferating Serpent, Time; the young man, Nature: on Earth and Hell are her arrows fastned; but in Heaven there is the Harp, fulness of joy, and pleasures in expressible: The old man [Page 60] I lookt upon to be Fate; the grave Matron, Pro­vidence; the Stairs, distinct Times and Ages; the Children running up and down the Stairs with­out fear of danger, do signifie foolish Man and Woman, who regardless of their salvation, sport and play with it so long, till they slipt into Eter­nity. So have I been careless of that which should have been my greatest care, though I knew (but would not know) that the least and lightest touch of death were sufficient, in a moment, to tran­slate me from Time to Etermity. Were we all to live a thousand years (whereas the Executioner is to put a period to my life in one day longer) we should before we had ran half our course, in our very non-age, apply our selves to repentance and newness of life. Now, now is the time, every hour, every moment: now one part of an hour (as I am informed, to my great comfort) may ob­tain pardon here, which all Eternity cannot hereafter. Therefore, let this now be my time (this one day I have left me) to cancel my debts and trespasses against Heaven, which I can never do in Hell-fire, in all the years and times to come hereafter. Let such who have liv'd (as I) in all manner of wickedness, consider what Eternity is, which may make them return like the penitent Prodigal. What then is Eternity? It is a Circle running back into it self, whose center is every where, and circumference no where, that is to say, infinite: It is an Orb that hath neither beginning nor ending: Or it is a Wheel,

Volvitur & volvetur in omne volubilis aevum.

A Wheel that turns, a Wheel that turned ever:

A Wheel that turns, and will leave turning never.

[Page 61] Eternity is like a year, continually wheeling a­bout, which returns again to the same point from whence it began, and still wheels about a­gain. It is an ever-running Fountain, whither the waters after many turnings flow back again, that they may always flow. It is a bottomless pit, whose revolutions are endless. It may be compa­red to a snake bowed back unto it self orbicularly, holding its tail in its mouth; which in its end doth again begin, and never ceaseth to begin. What is Eternity? It is a duration always present; it is one perpetual day, which is not divided into that which is past, and that which is to come: Or, it is an age of ages, never expiring, and never changing: Or, more properly, it is a beginning continuing, never ending, always beginning, in which the blessed always begin a blessed life, in which the damned always die, and after all death and struggling therewith, always begin a­gain to die. As Hell-torments are eternal, so will the conscience be perpetually tormented with deep and horrid despair for the life past: Their worm shall not die. The Poets of old alluded to this place notably, in that Fiction or Fable of Tytius, whom Virgil feigneth, that a flying Vulture every day gnaws and tears his Liver, which is every night again repaired and made up, that every day the Vulture may have more mat­ter to prey upon. What is this Vulture, but the worm I speak of? and what is his Liver, but the conscience always gnawn and tormented? Not only this (as he that preacht my Funeral-Sermon told me) but all the torments of the damned shall never have end, because there can be no place [Page 62] for satisfaction: For although these inexpressi­ble torments shall continue many millions of years; yet shall there not one hour, no, not one minute of respite be granted: Let us then be no longer forgetful of our selves, and so degenerate into beasts, but seriously to consider our end, and what shall come after. All men are in the way of E­ternity, but I am now almost at my journeys end: I sit on the Stairs of Eternity, expecting when one small thrust shall plunge me into the bottomless pit, where one hours punishment shall be more grievous, (as Thomas à Kempis saith) then 100 years here in the bitterest of torments: There they are tortured for infinite millions of ages, & are so far from finding an end, as never to be able to hope for any end. The consideration of these things brought me to that pass, as I was content to suffer any thing in this life, so that I might not suffer in the life to come. Though a King, I should willing­ly and patiently have endured what Andronicus did, Emperour of the East; who (as History re­lates) being overcome and taken prisoner by Isaac Angelo, had immediately two great chains of iron put about his neck; and being laden with fetters, was brought before Isaac, who de­livered him over to the rage of the multitude, to be abused at their pleasure. This rabble being in­censt and stimulated on by revenge, some buffeted him, some bastinado'd him, others pulled him by the beard, twitching the hair from his head, dashing out his teeth, dragging him in publick through the streets: the insolence of women was such, as to fall upon him, leaving the marks of their nails in his Imperial face. After all this, [Page 63] they cut off his right-hand: thus maimed and bruised, he was thrown into the Dungeon of Thieves and Robbers, without either attendance, or the least thing necessary to sustain life: Some few days being past, they put out one of his eyes: thus mangled, they put him upon an old rotten short coat, shav'd his head, set him upon a seabbed Camel, with his face towards the Tail, put on his head a crown of Garlick, made him hold in his hand the Camels Tail instead of a Septer, and so they carried him through the Market-place very leisurely, with great pomp & triumph. Here did the most impudent crew, and base among the people, like Tygers, after an inhumane manner fall upon him, not considering in the least, that not three days before he was no less then an Emperour, crowned with a Royal Diadem, whose frowns were inevitable death, was honoured, yea, adored of all men. Their rage and madness fitted every one with instruments to execute their revenge: Some struck him on the head with sticks, others fill'd his nostrils with dirt, others squeezed spunges upon his face soaked in humane and beastial excrements: some threw stones, others dirt at him. An impudent woman as he past, came running out with scalding water in her hand, and poured it on his head. All these indignities which they exercised upon this poor Emperor, did not satisfie their insatiate revenge, but bringing him to the Theatre, took him down from the Camel, and hung him up by the heels: yet did he behave himself like a man, by bearing patiently what was inflicted upon him, being never heard to cry out against the cruelty of his fate. All that he was [Page 64] heard to say, was this, which he often repeated, Domine miserere, Domine miserere. Thus hanging up, one would have thought their malice should have ceased; but they spared him not as long as he lived; for pulling his Coat from his body, they tore him with their nails. One more cruel than the rest, ran his Sword through his bowels as he was hanging: Two others, to try whose Sword was sharpest, cut him and gasht him in se­veral places; and so ended his life miserably, but was not suffered to be buried. Oh, that my con­dition were as Andronicus, to suffer all that man can lay upon me, that I might not perish for e­ver: I would be content to be miserable for so short a time, that I may not be miserable to all Eternity. Questioness he could never have suf­fered such things so constantly and couragiously, but that he had Eternity in his thoughts; and were our mindes imployed about the same sub­ject, any adversity or affliction we should more easily bear. Ftom the time of my condemnation till Munday morning I slept not, neither did I eat or drink: then did I hear my passing-bell (having heard the day before my Funeral-Ser­mon) every stroke methought carried my soul one degree higher, being confident I had made my peace above. Whilst I was in the depth of Medita­tion, and my soul breathing out this short ejacu­lation.

[Page 65] Is there no hope now of Relief,
In this Extremity?
Mercy e're now hath sov'd a Thief,
And may do as much for me.

Behold, a friend came to me (that never visited me during my imprisonment) but now in the time of need brought me a Reprieve: when I lookt thereon at first, I could not believe my own eyes; I thought I dreamt, or that grief had so distracted me, as that limagined things that are nor. My friend at length cleer'd up my doubts; but I shall tell you this for a truth, I knew not whether I were best accept of this self-preserving courtesie: For, methought I had so well settled my eternal concerns, as that I had no­thing else to do but die.

About a fortnight after, I was sent aboard, in or­der to my transportation; my sentence of Death be­ing converted into a seven years banishment.


Being on Board, he descants on his ensuing misery; yet draws comfort to himself from the sufferings of others. He relateth how he was freed from his intended ba­nishment by a double Shipwrack; the manner thereof he amply declareth.

THe Ship that was to transport me lay at Wollidge: about the latter end of August 1650. I was conveyed aboard a lusty Ship, a Virginia-Merchant­man, and was instantly claptunder hatches; but I knew they would quickly call me alost, if there was any fighting work; as such a thing might easily be, since the Sea was no where free from such as would make a prize of what Vessels were too weak to con­tend with them. Having pen, ink, and paper about me, I busied my thoughts and pen in contriving consolation for my disquieted and disconsolate mind, thus:

Why should not I with patience suffer? some
Have kist what brought them to their Martyrdom.
Many a Saint hath suffer'd on a Cross;
And our good King endur'd three Kingdoms loss.
Shall I (fool) then at any cross take grief?
Tyburri's the way to heaven for many a Thief.
But must I now to Sea? well, 'tis no matter;
Fortune now frowns, though heretofore did flatter.
Let not my soul despond, since 'tis my hap,
I'll scorn that Whore, and trust to Thetis lap:
[Page 67] Though she may foam with anger, and the wind
May aggravate her passion, I mayfind
Her calm again, and set me on that shore,
Where I may Moar, and put to Sea no more.
Neptune may shake his Trident, and each wave,
Or tumbling billow may become my grave.
A thundring Canon may pronounce my death,
Or a small shot bereave me o [...] my breath:
All which may throng together in full crowds,
To make m'a winding-sheet of tatter'd shrowds.
The winds shall sing my requiem, and my knell
Shall be a peal of Ordnance, that shall tell
My angry fates I'm dead and the Sea must
Intomb without the form of dust to dust.
But I hope better things and do believe,
My good events will make the furies grieve.

About the beginning of September following, we set sail for the Downs. As soon as we had weighed Anchor, a thick melancholly cloud encompassed my thoughts; and so much sadness seized my spirits, as if I had been not so much taking my leave of my dearly beloved Country, as leaving the world. Though my soul could not foresee the least danger, nor be troubled at the apprehension of what slavery I was to undergo in my exilment; yet certainly I found this strange anguish and propassion to be ominous, proceeding from somthing divine, which is able to unriddle the Apocrypha of nature, and made my soul sensible of some approaching mischief. Having been about five days ar Sea, one morning, just as the Sun began to gild our Hemisphere with his Golden rays, the Boatswain made us al turn out, & commanded al [Page 68] hands upon deck: coming alost, I could not see a man in whose face there was not written the pale charact­ers of fear and amazement; which were the infallible marks of some sudden and ensuing danger. Upon my first coming on board, I could discern a great many rednos'd fellows (a drunkards truest indicium) but the apprehension of present danger had now extinguisht all those flaming torches of their faces, without the help of water: The faces indeed of the stourest a­mongst us, were so altered by this affrightment, that we knew not almost one another; losing our natural complexions, through the extremity of passion. One was at his prayers, that never till then knew what a prayer was; another shedding of briny tears, to make room for more salt waters: for my own part, I found my self not much moved, having lately made my self acquainted with death. By this time I understood what had past; that is, our Ship had sprung a leak, and was ready to sink. Seeing every man in that po­sture, and that there required means, as well as pray­ers for our preservation; Come (said I, Gentlemen) let us not thus cry out, and never lend our assisting hand; let us to the pump, and let every one be im­ployed in this grand concern. Whereupon we all unanimously fell to work: but as it is usual in such ex­treams, we were all busie about doing of nothing; what we began we left imperfect, and fell to another, and so perfected nothing to our safety. Some were sent down into the Hold, who quickly returned to us with the symptoms of death in their countenances; for they all with hesitations and quivering of tongue, with words abruptly or half spoken, signified to us, that our Ships wound was incurable, that the leak [Page 69] could not be stopt, but that we must inevitably pe­rish within some minutes. These words I received as from a Deaths-head, which I never heard speak be­fore; and truly his very looks would have sufficiently declared what message he was about to deliver, viz. ruine and immediate destruction. Our inexpressible fears bereaved us of the power of counselling one another; neither did we know what was best to be done. Our Master commanded our Long-boat to cast out, and withall, ordered some eight Guns to be fir'd, which methought resembled so many toles of my passing-bell, when I was design'd to pass by Sr. Sepulchres Church in a Cart, guarded by fellows whose visages were the true resemblance of the Saracens­head on Snow-hill, for terror, horror, and merciless proceeding; as to all which, these Canibals will out­vie that inhumane and bloody Nation. Every man indeavoured to shift for himself, and I among the rest (being loath to be drowned alone) leapt short of the boat, and fell into the Sea in Charontis Cymba; but necessity then forcing me to use treble diligence to recover my self, with much difficulty I got into the boat: I was no sooner there, but another leapt down upon me, and had like to have beaten the rest of my breath out of my body: which I took kindly enough; for I would have been content to have born them all on my back, [...]ay, boat and all, so that I might have escaped with life. We were constrained to leave many of our friends behind us, and committed our selves to the Sea, driving us we knew not whither. Now were all our hopes dashed, as well as our selves, by the waves; for were almost in despair of humane help: for we were left in the wide Ocean, which did not at [Page 70] that time wear a smooth brow, but contending with the wind, swell'd into prodigious mountains, which every moment threatned our overwhelming. How could we expect safety in an open Shaloup, when so stately a Castle of wood, which we but now lost, could not defend it self, nor preserve us from the in­solency of the imperious waves? We were many leagues from any shore, having neither Compass to guide us, nor provision to sustain us, being as well starv'd with cold as hunger. Several bags of Money we had with us; but what good could that do us, where there is no exchange? We could neither eat nor drink it; neither would it keep us warm, nor purchase our deliverance. Therefore we may justly esteem of money in its own nature, as an impotent creature, a very cripple, inutile pondus, an useless bur­den. I could not now imagine any thing could pre­serve us, less then a miracle: and as we were all sinful creatures, especially my self, we could not expect that nature should go out of her ordinary way to save us. The waves indeed carried us up to Heaven,

Jam jam tacturos sidera summa putes.

Neptune sure at this time was very gamesome, for he play'd at Tennis with us poor mortals, make­ing a wave his Racket to bandie us up and down like Balls: Sometimes we seem'd so proud and lofty, being raised so high, as if we had been about to scale Heaven; which the incensed Deity perceiving seemed again to throw us down headlong to Hell, for too much ambition and presumption: yet I could not see, but that the extremity of our condition [Page 71] pleaded for us, crying aloud for pity and com­passion. I now was silent, committing my self into the hands of providence; yet verily believing, that the inversion of the old Proverb appertained to me, that being not born to be hang'd, I should be drown'd. Commonly we are not so much mov'd with a clamo­rous and importunate beggar, who hunts after our Alms with open mouth, and makes Hue and Cry after our Charity (as if we had rob'd him who begs of us) as with the silence of impotent and diseased Lazaro's: their sores speak loudest to our affections: Quot vul­nera, tot ora; each wound is a gaping mouth strenu­ously imploring mercy; the sight whereof, cannot but melt the most obdurate spectator into a charita­ble compassion. This was our case, our misery was louder than our prayers, and our deplorable condi­tion, certainly was more prevalent then our imper­fect devotions. In this moment of death, when we were without the least expectation of any deliverance the wind chopt about, and drove back one Ship that had over-run us: this was unquestionably Digitus Dei. This Ship made towards us, and we what in us lay, towards it: The wind blew hard, and the insulting Sea, that will not admit of pity, rose high upon us: so that we were forced to lave the water out of the boat with our hats. It was my chance to sit on the weather side; fain would I have exchanged my place, but such complements are useless in a storm; so that I was constrained to endure patiently the in­dignation of my raging enemy. But now began an other dispair; for with all our endeavours we could not reach the Ship, nor she us, although she hung on the Lee to retard her course. Thus our pregnant hopes [Page 72] brought forth nothing but wind and water (for the Ship rode on furiously before the wind, and we came after in pursuit of her, as slowly as if an hedg­hog had been running with a Race-horse;) so that we which before flattered our selves with an assurance of safety, were as much confounded with a certainty of perishing. In my opinion it is better to have no hopes at all, than be disappointed in them: doubtless it did redouble the punishment of Tantalus, to touch what he could not taste. That Mariner, who seeing a fatal necessity for it, is contented to die in a tempest, would be exceedingly troubled to perish in a Haven, In Portu perire. In this very condition were we, ha­ving a Ship near us, but could not board her for stress of weather; so that ruine attended us, though all the while we lookt safety in the face. Now did it grow dark, whereby we could not see which way to row: though this was an evil in its own nature, yet acci­dentally it became our benefit: for not seeing our dan­ger, we understood it not; but redoubling our strength, we brake through the waves, and by the assistance of a light, which was in the Ship, we direct­ed our course truly; and now did we find we were very neer her. As soon as we toucht her on the Lee-side, the Sea-men, with the rest in the boat, being more dexterous in the art of climbing than my self, never regarding their exil'd Prisoner, (whom they ought to have taken charge of) got all up into the Ship in a moment, leaving me alone in the boat. By good hap they threw me out a Rope, which once had like to have de prived me of my life, but was now the preser­ver: which I held fast, to keep the boat from staving off. Our boat was half full of water, and the waves [Page 73] dasht it so violently against the Ship-side, that every such stroke struck me down, so that I had like to have been drowned (and did much fear it) in that epitome of the Sea. It would have vexed a man in my con­dition, to escape by swimming over a large River, and coming ashore, to be drowned in a wash-bowl. At last with much difficulty I got aboard too. The Master, Merchants, &c. having sav'd their lives (even mira­culously) one would have thought they should not have been so pensive as they were for the loss of their goods. Those which lost much, took it very heavily; those which lost less, their affliction was greater, ha­ving lost all: I was the most glad, joy riding in tri­umph in my chearful countenance, having lost no­thing, neither could I anything, but my life. Ha­ving escapt so miraculously, it was unchristian-like to murmur at any loss; and as ridiculous, as if a man being restored to life, should complain that his win­ding-sheet had sustained some damage by lying in the grave. The Ship wherein we were, was bound for the Canaries, the winde blowing very fair for that coast. The second night after our deliverance, about ten a clock, having set our Watch, we laid our selves down to rest, with the thoughts of much safety and security, but it was otherwise decreed; for about one a clock we were forced to use all hands aloft, a most terrible storm beginning to arise, and the wind blew so furiously, that before morning we lost out Bow-sprit and Mizon: we durst not bear the least sayl, but let the Ship drive whither the winde and waves pleased; and before the next night, we could not indure our remaining Masts standing, but were necessitated to cut them by the board. Thus we were [Page 74] tumbled up and down for four dayes, and as many nights, contending with the waves in a Pitcht-battel, not knowing where we were, till our Ship struck so violently against a Rock, that the horrid noise there­of would have even made a dead man startle; to which, add the hideous cries of the Sea-men, bear­ing a part with the whistling windes & roaring Sea; all which together, seemed to me to be the truest Representation of the Day of Judgement. The Ship stuck fast so long between two Rocks, as that we had time enough, all of us, to leap out; the only means left us for our safety. We all got upon a Rock, and the Morning-star having drawn the Curtain of the night, we found that we were a very little distance from the shore; getting thereon, and ranging to and fro, we at last espied a small house, the sight whereof made us direct our foot-steps thither, steering our course solely by the compass of our eyes: being come to the house, the Master thereof stood at the door; we addrest our selves to him in English, but his repli­cations were in Spanish, which we understood not: wherefore I spake to him in Latine, in which lan­guage he answered me, Tam compte, tam prompte, both quaintly and readily. In that tongue I made a shift to tell him the sad Illiades of our misfortunes. This no­ble Spaniard understood it better by our looks, than my relations; which made such a deep impression in his soul, that his gravity could not forbear the shed­ding of some few tears, so that one would have thought he suffered Shipwrack as well as we. He de­sired us to come into his house, & refresh our selves: what little meat he had, stew'd in a horse-load of herbs, with some pottage onely seasoned by a piece of [Page 75] Bacon, that had serv'd for that purpose at least a do­zen times, he ordered to be set before us; being no wayes sparing of his wine, better than any I ever yet could taste in Taverns; this good man being not ac­quainted with dashings, dulcifyings, &c. Seeing us eat so heartily, he caused another dish to be provided, which was composed of such variety of creatures, that I thought he had served us in as a Mess, the first Chapter of Genesis: This Olla-podridra was so [...], that the distinction of each creature was sauc'd [...] our knowledge. Having satisfied our hungry [...] ­machs, he dismist all excepting my self, desiring me to accept of what kindness he could do me, for he confest he took much pleasure in my society and discourse. I was very well contented to entertain his proffer: in some few dayes he told me he was to go to Sea, being Captain of a Vessel that lay in Perim­bane, a small ea-faring Town near the place of our Shipwrack; and asking me whether I would go with him to the Indies (whither he was bound,) I readily consented, and in some few dayes after we did sail from thence, to perfect our intended Voyage.


From Perimbana, a small maritine Town on the Spa­nish coast, he sets sail with Captain Ferdinando [...]lasquez bound to the East-Indies; but by the way [...] with three Turkish Galleys, and by them is taken, miserably abused, and imprisoned.

AN hour before day we left the Port, and failed along the coast before the winde; about noon we discerned three vessels, whereupon we gave them chase: in less than two hours we got up to them, and then we could easily perceive that they were Turkish Galleys; whereof we were no sooner assured, but we betook our selves to flight, making to Land with all speed possible, to avoid the danger that inevitably threatned us. The Turks understanding our design, presently hoisted up all their sails, and having the wind favourable, bore up to us so close, and getting within a small Faulcon-shot of us, they discharged their Ordnance on us, wherewith they killed eight of our men, and wounded as many more; and so batter­ed our Ship beside, that we were forc'd to throw a great quantity of our lading over-board. The Turks in the mean while lost no time, but grappled us; we on the other side, who were able to fight, knowing that on our valour & undaunted courage depended our lives, or loss of liberty, with perpetual slavery, resolved to fight it out. With this determination we boarded their Admiral, doing very eminent exccu­tion; [Page 77] but being over-powred with numbers, we were so overprest and wearied, that we desisted from making any further resistance: For, of 35 men we had at first, we only had remaining ten, whereof two died the next day, whom the Turks caused to be cut in pieces or quarters, which they hung at the end of their Main-yard for a sign of Victory. Being taken, we were carried by them to a Town called Mocaa, and received by the Governor and Inhabitants, who expected and waited the coming of these Pirates. In the company was likewise one of the chiefest Sacer­dotal dignity; and because he had been a little before in Pilgrimage at the Temple of their Propher Mabo­met in Meca, he was honoured and esteemed by all the people as a very holy man. This Mahometan Impostor rid in a triumphant Chariot up & down the Town, covered all over with silk Tapistry, and with a deal of ceremonious fopperies, bestowed on the people his benediction as he passed along, exhorting them to return hearty thanks to their great Prophet for this Victory obtained over us. The Inhabitants hearing that we were Christians taken Captives, flockt a­bout us; and being exceedingly transported with choler, fell to beating of us in that cruel manner, that I thought it a vain thing to hope to escape alive our of their hands; and all this, because we owned the names of Christians. When I was in England, I just­ly was senteneed to die for my villany, and now here only for the bare profession of Christianity, I must not be suffered to live. This wicked Caecis (as they called him) instigated them on to those outrages they committed; who made them believe, that the worse they dealt with us, the more favour and mercy they [Page 78] should receive from Mahomet hereafter. We were chained all together, and in that manner were we led in triumph; and as we past along, we had our heads washt with womens Rose-water, thrown down upon us from Balconies, with other filth, in derision and contempt of the name of Christian; wherein every one strived to be most forward, being instigated thereunto by their Priest. My sufferings then, put me in mind of my former wishes, to be as unfortunate Andronicus, miserably afflicted here, that I might escape eternal torments hereafter: I received in part the effect of my quondam wishes, no ways acceptable to my present desires. Having tyred themselves in tormenting us till the evening, bound as we were, they clapt us into the Dungeon, where we remained 21 dayes exposed to all kind of misery, having no other provision allowed us, than a little Oat-meal or Rice and water, which was distributed to us every morning, what should serve us for that whole day: for variety sake, we had sometimes a small quantity of Pease soak'd in water.


He is brought forth into the Market-place, and there put to sale; he is bought by a Jew (a miserable avaricious man) and by a stratagem he delivers himself from that Master, is sold to a Graecian, in heart a Christian: the Ship being taken, and his Master drowned, he escaping to shore by swimming, is at his own liberty.

IN the morning the Goaler repairing to us, found two of our miserable companions dead, by reason of their wounds, which were many, and not lookt in­to. This made him haste to the Guazil or Judge, to acquaint him of what had hapned; who upon infor­mation given, came to the prison in person, attended with Officers and other people: where having caused their irons to be struk off, he ordered their bodies to be dragged thorow the Town, and so cast in the Sea. We that remained were chained altogether, and so led out of prison unto the common place of sale, to be sold to him that should give most. By reason of my strength (which those that lookt on me might argue, from the streightness and firmness of my limbs, being elevated by the Pole above a common or mid­dle stature) I was first bought by one, whom at the first sight, I could not well tell whether he was Man or Devil; for his complexion was of the same colour as the Devil is usually rendred: to say all in short, he was a Jew. He carried me home to his house, where I no sooner arrived, but he markt me for his own: [Page 80] My employment was constantly to turn a hand-mill; if I rested at any time, though ever so little, the pu­nishment he inflicted on me was, three or four blows on either the belly or souls of my feet; which were doubled or trebled according as he judged of my of­fence: my diet was such as only served to keep me a­live. In general he used me so cruelly, that becoming desperate, I once thought it better resolutely to cut the thread of my life, than spin it our longer in so much wretchedness & misery. Revenge too induc'd me to the undertaking of this attempt, as knowing him to be the most covetous wretch living, and there­fore would even hang himself when he should lose what he payed for me: but reconsidering my self, I made choice of a better expedient, which was to pre­tend (what I intended not) to kill my self, I made choice of such a time, when I was sure some one or o­ther was set to watch me; who perceiving that I was about to destroy my self, rusht in and prevented me, and went forthwith to inform my Master of what he had seen; advising him withall to sell me out of hand, otherwise he would infallibly be a loser by me. My Master taking notice of my countenance and beha­viour, resolved to put his friends counsel in practise, and so sold me to another, who fortunately proved a Greek, that in shew was a Mahometan, but cordially a Christian, Once more was I delivered from miseries that are hardly to be endured, and was imbarqued with my new Master in a Ship bound for the East-In­dies. In the course that we held, we sail'd with so pros­perous a gale, that in a very short time we arrived in view of the Fort of Diu; but seeing several vessels lying before that Fort, firing against it in an hostile manner [Page 81] we shaped our course to Goa, where we arrived in safety. From hence we sayled unto the River Lugor: just as we were entring its Mouth, we saw a great Junk coming upon us, which perceiving us to be few in number, and our Vessel but small, fell close with our Prow on the Larboard-side, and then those that were in her, threw in to us great Cramp-irons fastned un­to two long chains, wherewith they grappled us fast unto them; which they had no sooner done, but in­continently some seventy or eighty Mahometans star­ted outfrom under the Hatches, that till then had lain lurking there; and pouring out their small-shot upon us, clapt us aboard in an instant. Those that knew what it was to be a slave to the merciless Turks, leapt into the Sea, whereof I was one: we were not far from land, so that it was not long before I got safe to shore; it was my Masters misfortune (and truly I think my unhappiness, for he behaved him­self to me as to one of his familiar friends) being wounded, & ignorant in swimming, to be entomb'd in the deep. There were some five or six more that escapt the danger of their enemies and the Sea, that wading up to the Waste in mud, landed in safety; with these I hid my self in the next adjacent Wood. There was hardly one of us but received some hurt; and being now divested of all hope of help, we could not forbear to unman our selves by weeping, complaining against our hard destiny, that should in so short a time bring us into so sad a disaster. In this desolation we spent the remaining tragical part of the day; but considering with our selves, that the place was moorish, and full of ve­nemous creatures, we betook our selves to the Owze, standing therein up to the middle. The next [Page 82] morning, by break of day, we went along by the River-side, until we came to a little Channel, which we durst not pass (not knowing its depth) for fear of Lizards, plenty whereof we had sight of therein: we wandred so long to avoid this and the Bogs co­vered with rushes, which environed us about, till that we were forced to rest our selves, being so wea­ry and so hungry, that we could not go one step far­ther. In the morning awaking, four of our company lay dead, so that there was only one remaining to bear me company: I now thought my condition worse than if I had hung at Tyburn, surrounded with a full Jury of fellow-sufferers: my companion and I, with tears, sang the obsequies of our dead friends, expecting hourly our own dissolution: Their bodies we covered with a little earth, as well as we could; for we were then so feeble, that we could hardly stir, nay, nor speak. In this place we rested our selves, in­tending to bear our friends company to their eternal rest. Some four hours after this our resolution, about Sun-set, we espied a Barque rowing up the River: coming near us we hailed her, and prostrating our selves on the ground, beseeched those that were in her to receive us on board. Amazed to see us in that posture on our bended knees, and hands lifted up to Heaven, they stopt: our cries for succour reacht their eares, which obtained commiseration from their hearts; so taking us in, they carried us with them to Lugor, where about Noon next day we landed. The people are fearful black like the Devil, whom they superstitiously worship, in the form of a bloody Dragon: They have many Idols amongst them which they hold in great esteem, as a Ram-goat, a Bat, an [Page 83] Owl, a Snake, or Dog, to whom they ceremoniously bow or kneel, groveling upon the earth, and throw­ing dust on their faces; they offer Rice, Roots, Herbs, and the like, which is devoured by the Witches; these devillish creatures being both feared and esteemed by the Savages. The female sex, against the appear­ing of the New-moon, assemble upon a Mountain, where turning up their bare bums, they contemptu­ously defie the Queen of Heaven, who hath this de­spight shewn her, because they suppose her the cau­ser of their monthly-courses. They are much given to novelties, amongst which dogs are of very great value with them: Insomuch, that whilst I was there, I saw six slaves exchanged for one Europaean Cur. They abound with the choicest of natures blessings, as health, strength, and wealth, but are very inhu­mane and uncivil; for they delight much to feed on mans flesh, eating it with more satisfaction than any other food. Upon my first arrival, I did not rightly understand their meaning by feeling my flesh, but when I was informed, that like Butchers, they felt my flank to know how fat I was, they never toucht me afterwards with their fingers, but I fancied my self either boiled or roasted, and that their hands, my bearers, were conveying me to the open Sepulchres of their months, to be entombed in the gut­rumbling Monument of their bellies: where­as other Anthropophagi content their appetites with the flesh of their enemies, these cover most their friends, whom they imbowel with much greediness, saying, they can no way better express a true affection, than to incorporate their dearest friends and relations into themselves, as in love before, now in body, uniting two in one (in my [Page 84] opinion) a bloody sophistry. It is a very truth, of which I was an eye-witness, they have Shambles of men and womens flesh, joynted and cut into several pieces fit for dressing. It is usual for some, either weary of life, or so sick, they have no hopes of reco­very, to proffer themselves to these inhumane But­chers, who returning them thanks, dissect or cut them out into small parcels, and so are sodden and eaten. It is a custom among them, when they would add to their beauties (deformity) to slash their faces in seve­ral places. They adore those two glorious Planets, the Sun and Moon, believing they livein Matrimony. They are much addicted to rapine and theevery, and they chuse to commit any villany rather by day than night, because they suppose thereby the Moon and Stars will never give testimony against them. Their heads are long, and their hair curled, seeming rather wool than hair: Their ears are very long, being extended by ponderous bawbles they hang there, stretching the holes to a great capacity. Both men and women hideously slash their flesh in sun­dry forms; their brows, noses, cheeks, arms, breasts, back, belly, thighs and legs, are pinkt, and cut in more admirable (than amiable) manner. They con­temn apparel, and indeed, the heat of the Climate will not permit them to wear any; very few have nothing on to cover their secrets. Most have but one stone, the other is forced away in their infan­cy, that Venus may not too much allure them from Martial exploits: wherefore the women take great delight in strangers. One of them so strongly be­sieged my modesty, that more for fear than love, I yielded to her incontinency: I was displeased at no­thing but the fight of her; for her flesh, no Velvet [Page 85] could be softer. There are in this place great quan­tity of Lions, which in dark weather use great subti­lity to catch and eat some Savages: They again in the day-time dig pits, and covering them with boughs, do train the couragious Lions thither, where they receive destruction, eating them to day, who perhaps were Sepulchres to their friends or parents the day before. I have seen these well-bred people descend in a morning from the Mountains, adorned▪ with the raw guts of Lions or other wilde beasts, ser­ving for an hour or two for chains or neck-laces, and afterwards for their breakfast; of which good chear, if I would not participate, I might fast for them: so that my squeamish stomack was forc'd to give en­tertainment to that unwelcome guest, to keep star­ving out of doors. The Ship that brought us hither, was now ready to set sail, being bound for Goa, the Master whereof was a Portugal, who understood La­tine and French very well, of which I was not igno­rant: I addrest my self to him in the French tongue, desiring him to accept of mine and my Comerades service; which he condescended to with much wil­lingness. At Goa we stayed not long, but from thence passing towards Surrat, a vehement and unexpected storm overtook us, for three dayes raging incessant­ly, so that those which were acquainted with those parts, very much feared an Hero-cane, a tempest com­monly of thirty dayes continuance, and of such sury, that Ships, Trees, and Houses perish unavoidably in it: once in nine years, it seems, it fails not to visit them. It chanc'd, that my Comerade being heedless and unexperienc'd in Sea-affairs, was washt off by a wave into the Sea, and so was buried in the large and [Page 86] deep grave of the vast Ocean; a sure treasury for the resurrection. The foulness of the weather fore'd a Junk-man of War, full of desperate Malabars, a bloody and warlike people, in view of us; but the Seas were too losty for them to board us. After three watches, the Sea changed colour, and was calmer; and by the swimming of many snakes a­bout our Vessel, the Sea-men knew we were not far from shore, landing shortly after safely at Surrat.


From hence be sct sail to Swalley-Road, and so from thence coasted till be arrived at Delyn a Town that belongs to the Malabars: be gives an account of what be there saw and observed.

SOme two hours after we set fail, we were becal­med, having not the least breeze of winde, the weather withall being exceeding hot and sultry: at length we arrived in Swalley-Road, where was riding an English Vessel; there we east anchor, the English men came aboard of us, whom our Captain wel­comed with the best of his entertainment. I could not forbear embracing my dear Country-men, shew­ing them so many demonstrations of joy, that by their looks, they seemed to question whether I was in my right wits. Their Masters-mate calling me a­side, askt me, how I came to be ingaged in this Ves­sel? how long since I came from England? with many other questions too redious here to relate. To all which I gave him such satisfactory answers, that he seemed very well pleased. I gave him a summary re­lation of what I had suffer'd, since my departure from my own Country; the report whereof, seemed to ex­tract much pity from him. In fine, I told him, I had a great desire to see England again, and to that end desired him to make use of what interest he could, to remove me into their Ship: he promised he would; and accordingly giving a Present to our Captain, he [Page 88] so far prevailed upon him to let me go, and perswa­ded the chief of whom he was concerned withal, to entertain me, which they did with much willing­ness. I was so like a Sea-man in this short time, that none could distinguish me from one that received his first rocking in a Ship. I carried about me as deep an hoguo of Tarpawlin as the best of them, and there was no term of art belonging to any part of the Ship or tackling, but what I understood. I could drink water that stunk (as if stercus humanum had been steept two or three days in it) as well as any of them, and eat beef and pork (that stirred as if it had received a second life, and was crawling out of the platter to seek out the rest of his Members) I say, I could devour it with as much greediness (scorning that my appetite should be ever again taxed with any of those Epithetes, either nice or squea mish) as if it had been but nine hours, instead of nine Months, in salt. And to make me the more compleat, I had forgot to wash either hands or face, or what the use of a comb or shirt was, neither did I know how to undress my self; or if wet to the skin, to make use of any other means than my natural heat to dry my self: I never lookt on a hat or band, but as Prodigies. But to return to my purpose, where I left off. In three days time we set sail for Swalley-Road, steering our course from them all along the coast of India, Decan, and Malabar. I knew not whither they intended, neither did I care now, as thinking my self safe, being amongst my friends: on the 20 of April, seven days from our weighing auchor in Swalley-Road, we came to an anchor at Delyn, a Town of the Malabars: We durst not land, the people being so treacherous and bloody; [Page 89] yet we suffered them to come aboard us in their small Canoo [...], selling us for any trisles, Coco-nuts, Jacks, Green-pepper, Indian-pease, Hens, Eggs, and the like. They brought us likewise Oranges of so plea­sant a taste, the rinde vying with the juice, which shall become most grateful to the palate: We had likewise from them Plantanes, a fruit supposed by some, to be that which Eve was tempted withal; if a man gathers them green, yet will they ripen afterwards, coloured with a dainty yellow: the rinde or skin will peel off with much facility; they melt in the mouth, giving a most delicious taste and relish. These Malabars are coal-black, well limb'd, their hair long and cur­led; about their heads they only tye a small piece of linnen, but about their bodies nothing but a little cloth which covers their secrets. Not withstanding their cruelty & inhumanity, we man'd out our long­boat, and 15, whercof I was one, went ashore, carry­ing some Muskets and Swords with us, suspecting the worst: Landing, they fled from us, but not with­out sending good store of po [...]soned arrows & darts amongst us. It is no wonder that these people are so black, for they live under the scorching fire of the torrid Zone. We returned to our Ship, finding it no way safe to stay here longer; next morning hoi­sing sail, we came to Canavar, where we met with peo­ple more civil, whereupon we landed; and receiving things from the inhabitants of considerable value, for toys and trifles we gave them in lieu, we resolved to stay here a while. The better sort of these people are call'd Nairo's, whose heads are cover'd with a low tu­lipant, & their middles with a party-coloured Plad, resembling a Scotch Plad: The poorer sort have no­thing [Page 90] but a small vail over their privities, wholly naked elsewhere; which vail or flap the women in courtesie will turn aside, and shew a man their Pu­denda, by way of gratitude for any courtesie received, as if they would render satisfaction with that, which could never receive plenary satisfaction it self. They have a strange custom in their Marriages, observed among them by the highest to the lowest: who so marrieth, is not to have the first nights imbraces with his Bride, but is very well contented to bestow her Maiden-head on the Bramini, or Priest, who do not alwayes enjoy it, being glutted with such frequent offerings, and therefore will many times sell them to strangers. Such a proffer I had once made me, and with shame I must confess, I did accept it, for­getting those sacred vows I made in Newgate, to live a more pious, strict and sober life. The Bride that night, was plac'd in one of their Fanes, as its custo­mary, the Priest or Bramin coming to her; but in­stead thereof, according to agreement between this Priestly Paynim and my self, I went: I wondred to find her so low of stature, but I did not much matter it then, minding something else; which having per­formed, I departed. The next morning I had a great desire to see her, but was amazed to see her so young, believing it impossible (though I knew the contra­ry) a child (for I may so call her, being but seven years of age) could be capable of mans reception at that tender age. Afterwards, I was informed, it was usual for them to marry so soon; first, being extream­ly salacious and leacherous, and as fit, nay, as prone to enjoy man at that age, as Europaeans at fourteen. Next, they extreamly honour Wedlock, insomuch, [Page 91] that if any of their children die whilst very young, they will hire some Maiden to be married to him, and so lie with him the night after his decease. So soon as we arrived (which is a custom they use to all strangers, of what Country soever) we had presen­ted us choice of many Virgins; our Boat-swain chu­sing one he fancied for a small price, she guided him to a lodging, where if he would have stayed so long, she would have performed his domestick affairs, as well at board as bed, discharging her duty very pun­ctually: but he that undertakes any such thing, must be very wary that he be not venereally familiar with any other woman, lest that she with whom he hath contracted himself for such a time, doth recompence his inconstancy with mortal poyson. At his depar­ture, her wages must be paid to her Parents, who re­turns then with much joy, and they receive her with as much credit and oftentation. The chiefest among them hold it a very great courtesie, if any one will save them the labour, pain and trouble, by accepting the Hymeneal rites of hi [...] Bride. I should have told the Reader, that the Bramins are so much respected and esteemed by the commonalty, that if any of them gets their wives or daughters with child, they believe that off-spring to be much holier than their own, being extracted from Pagan piety. Their Fu­nerals they celebrate after this manner: Bringing the dead corpse near to their Fanes or Churches, they consume it to ashes, by fire made of sweet smel­ling wood, unto which they add costly perfumes in Aromatick gums and spices: If the wife only (for here they will not hear of Polygamy) cast not her self into the flames voluntarily, they look upon her to be some common prostitute, having not any [Page 92] thing commendable in her natural disposition; but if she freely commits her self to the flames, with her husbands carcase, she from that noble act (for so it is esteemed of among these infidels) derives to her me­mory, reputation and glory amongst her surviving friends and kindred. They are deluded on to this re­solution by their Bramins, who perswade them by so doing, they shall enjoy variety of perpetual plea­sures, in a place that is never disturbed by alteration of weather, wherein night is banisht, there being a continual spring; neither is there wanting any thing that shall ravish each individual sense. This was at first a stratagem invented by some long-headed Poli­tician, to divert them from murdering their husbands (which they were frequently guilty of, by reason of their extream leachery and insatiate venery) so by that means they were reduc'd to that good order, as that they tendered the preservation of their husbands healths and lives equally with their own. For my part, I could wish the like custom enjoyn'd on all married English females (for the love I bear to my own Country) which I am confident would prevent the destruction of thousands of well-meaning Chri­stians, which receive a full stop in the full career of their lives, either by corrupting their bodies by ve­nemous medicaments administred by some preteded Doctors hand (it may be her Stallion) unto which he is easily perswaded, by the good opinion he hath of his wifes great care and affection for him: or else his body is poysoned by sucking or drawing in the con­tagious fumes which proceed from her contamina­ted body, occasion'd by using pluralities for her vene­real satisfaction, & so dies of the new Consumption. [Page 93] Or Lastly, by pettish and pe [...]ulant behaviour, she wearieth him of his life, and at last is willing to die, that he may be freed, not only from the clamorous noise of her tongue, but that the derision of his neighbours, and scandal that she hath brought upon him, may not reach his ears. That all such might be mindful of their duty, I would have (were it at my disposing) these two lines fixt as a Motto to their doors.

A Couchant Cuckold, and a rampant Wife,
A Cop'latives disjunctive all their life.


From Delyn he sailed to Zeyloon; with what he there observed.

THe Isle of Zeyloon is very famous, and not far distant from the Point of India, called Cape Com­rein; it abounds with all sorts of odoriferous and Aromatical Spices; the people are Pagans, not own­ing a Deity: some though have heard of Christ, and others of Mahomet, but such are rarely to be found. They go naked, not compelled thereunto by want or poverty, but meer heat of the Sun. They are greaet Idolaters, worshipping things in monstrous shapes. On the top of a high Mountain, they have set conspi­cuously the Idaea of an horrible Caco-Daemon, unto which Pilgrims from remote parts do resort; and upon this account, a King of Zeyloon coming, once derided this Idol: another time, intending to make a second repetition of his former derifion, the King was even frighted out of his wits; for not onely he, but his attendants all saw how this Daemon threatned him for so doing, by shaking a flaming Cymeter, and rowling his fiery eyes, from his mouth gaping, issued out fiery flames; whereat this King returns with as much penitence as amazemenr, resolving by his due respect and worship for the time to come, to make an atonement for his former errors. For my part, had I not believed there was a Devil, the sight of this horrid monstrous representation would have induc'd me into the belief that this was one really. They have in another place a Chappel, in which they adore the [Page 95] Devil (whom they call Deumo) the height whereof is about three yards, and uncovered: the wooden en­trance is engraven with hellish shapes; within, their beloved Devil or Deumo, is enthronized on a brazen Mount: From his head issue four great horns, his eyes of an indifferent proportionable bigness, having somewhat a larger circumserence than two sawcers; his nose flat; a mouth like a porteullice, beautified with fours tusks, like Elephants teeth; his hands like claws, and his feet not unlike a Monkeys: beside him stand lesser Deumo's attending on this grand Pagod, some whereof are represented or pictured devouring souls. Every morning the Priest washeth them, nor departing till he hath craved their malediction; and when he takes his leave, he is very careful of offend­ing the Devil by shewing his posteriors, and therefore goes from him retragrade, stedfastly fixing his eyes on the Idol. 'Tis strange that a rational soul should be so much infatuated, as to adore such a monstrous and ridiculous thing. The people in way of mutual love and amity, use to exchange their wives; a thing, though much hated by the jealous Spaniard, yet would be very acceptable to other Europaeans, or else to be rid of them altogether, who are the daily mur­derers of their content and quiet. Polygamy, or plurality of Wives, is here permitted; and as the men are granted the liberty to have more than one wise, so are the women allowed more than one hus­band. However, the woman hath the disposal lest her of her children, giving them to him she hath the greatest affection for; which he receives, not questioning his interest or right (by generation) unto the infant.

[Page 96] Elsewhere the Fates decreed a Cuckol'ds lot,
To keep that child another man begot;
And by his joy therein he plainly shows,
He thanks the man that pay'd those debts he owes:
But these She-Blacks in justice thought it fit,
That he which got the child, likewise keep it:
Therefore both love and custom made it so,
On the true Father they the child bestow:
By which good Law unto each man 'tis known,
That he doth keep no other child but's own.
Were this observ'd in England, I durst swear,
Some what-d'ye-lacks would Heirs to Lords appear;
And half of what some own, must be conferr'd
On such who have a Fathers name deserv'd.
These Blacks do tax our women, for they paint
The Devil white, and make him seem a Saint;
To let them know, they are far greater evils;
For fairest females oft are foulest Devils.

We stayed not long here, but having dispatcht what we came for, we sailed along the coast of Cho­romandel, and landed at Meliapor. The people are much after the same complexion of those of Delyn, only a little more duskie, and go in a manner naked too. Here are like wise great store of Bramins, who are very busie and industrious to instruct these poor ignorant souls in the perfect way to damnation; sor which they have the honour and estimation of all conferred upon them. We man'd out our long-boat and went ashore; upon our landing, it was our hap to be eye-witnesses of one of their Funerals, which was performed after this manner. The husband was [Page 97] carried before the combustible Pile; his most dearly loving wise closely following after him, attended by her Pa­rents and children; musick (such as they have, which I cannot compare to that of the Spheres) playing be­fore, behind, and on each side of her. She was drest both neatly & sumptuously, to the height of the rude­ness of their art; her head, neck, and arms (not omiting her nose, legs, and toes) each bedeckt and charged with Bracelets of silver, with jewels every where a­bout her distributed: She carried flowers in her hands, which she disposed of to those she met. The Priest going backwards before her, shewed her a ma­gical glass, which represented to her sight whatever might be pleasing to her sensual appetite. The Bra­min all along inculcating to her thoughts, the sense­ravishing and affable joys she shall possess after her decease; at which this poor deluded soul smiled, and seemed to be much transported. We followed them till they came to the fire, which was made of sweet odoriferous wood. As soon as her dead husband was committed to the flames, she voluntarily leapt in af­ter him, incorporating her self with the fire, and his ashes: we wondred that the standers-by would per­mit her thus to destroy her self, imagining this rash action proceeded from the ardency of her affection; but perceiving her friends to throw in after her, jew­els and many precious things, with much exultation and expressions of joy, we concluded this to be the effects of custom. Such as resuse to burn in this man­ner, are immediately shaven, and are hourly in danger to be murdered by their own issue or kindred, looking upon them as strumpets: and indeed many of them are so audaciously impudent, that upon the least di­staste, [Page 98] or not having their luxurious expectations an­swered, nothing more intended or indeavoured than the lives of their husbands. They are in these parts so extreamly idolatrous, and so over-swayed by the Devil, that they adore a great Idol made of Copper gilded, whose statue is carried up and down, moun­red on a glorious Charriot, with eight very large wheels overlayed with gold; the afcent or steps to the charriot are very large & capacious, on which sit the Priests, attended by little young girles, who for de­votion sake, proftirute themselves freely to the heat of any libidinous spectator; for so doing, they are intitled the Pagodes children: A very strange zeal in their bewitched or besotted Parents, to destinate the off-spring of their bodies, from their non-age, to such an abominable liberty; for by letting them know the use of Man so soon, it cannot but be very prejudi­cial to their bodies, but also invest them with the thoughts of perpetual whoring: For, that woman that shall admit of more than one to her private im­braces, will admit of any upon the like account. Nay, such is their blind zealand superstition, that as the Chariot passoth, some will voluntarily throw themselves under the wheels, who are crusht in pie­ces by the weight of the Idol and its attendants, suf­fering death without the benefit of a happy (but to them unhappy) Martyrdom.


From Zeyloon, he arrived at Syam; and what there he saw and observed.

SYam is a Kingdom contiguous to Pegu, a part of the East-Indies: And, as the people are included within the burning Zone, therefore far from being fair; yet are tall of stature, very strong and valiant, and generally so strait, that few are found among them crooked. Formerly they were much given to Sodomy: to prevent which, 'twas wisely ordered, (though strangely) that the males as soon as born, should have a bell ofgold (and in it a dry'd Adders tongue) put through the prepuce and flesh. When then desire of copulation stimulates any of them, he presents himself to some expert Midwives; who ad­vise him to drink Opium, or some such somniferous potion; which having done in their presence, he falls asleep; during which interval, they remove the ball, and apply to the orifice from whence it was taken, an unguent, which affords a speedy cure: then is he free to make use of such as his fancy leads him to. The young Girles are served in a worse manner; and it it as great a rarity, to find a pure Virgin here at ten years old, as to finde a Maid at sixteen, in most places of Franc, or its neighbouring Countreys. And that these young Fry may be capable of that employment they are destinated unto, they have po­tions given them to drink. The women here (still the more to allure the men from that detestable and un­natural [Page 100] act of Sedomy) go naked; (as little a novelty in these parts, as for Irish and Scotch to wash their cloaths with their feet, their coats, smock and all tuckt up about their middles, though twenty men stand by as (deriding spectators) I say, they go na­ked to their middles, where the better sort are cover­ed with a fine transparent Taffata or dainty Lawn, which by a cunning device is so made to open, that as they pass along, the least air discovers all, to all mens immodest views. Their Priests, which they call Tallapoi, are seeming very zealously superstitious: they fomewhat incline to Mahometanism; for they pretend they will not drink wine, being forbidden it by their Law, yet are abominable hypocrites: for, though they wear a sheep-skin with the wool there­on, not suffering any hair to be on their bodies, and in shew lead a chaste life, yet I found the contrary; as you shall understand by what past between one of them and my self. I being on shore with our Ships crew, I chanc'd to walk abroad, carrying with me a bottle of Spanish-wine: As I entred into a Wood, intending not to adventure too far, there came to me one of these Tallapoi or Priests, in the habit afore­said, with a horn about his neck, resembling a Sow­gelder's but much less; with which, I was told, they, with the sound thereof, used to convene the people to hear them preach. This holy Infidel espying me, blest himself, (as I guest by his gesture) & approach­ing near me, I imagined that he prayed for me, by the elevation of his and eyes hands: as a requital, I proffered him some of my wine; and having tasted thereof, lik'd it so well, that by signs, I understood he desired his hornfull of me: to tell you the truth, [Page 101] I lik'd it so well my self, that I had no desire to part with one drop more of it; but his importunities so far prevailed, that I granted his request; which ha­ving obtained, he made no more ado but drank it off, making but one gulp thereof; a thing contrary to the strictness of his profession. After this, he seemed to bless me, and so departed. It was but a little while, before he again presented himself to my view; and beckoning to me, I followed him: coming close up to him, he pointed with his finger to a place, where co­vertly I espy'd three Maidens (as I supposed) to whom he by signs perswaded me to go. Sitting down a­mongst them, they entertained me with as much civility as they were endued withall, and courted me after their amorous fashion. One of these was the handsomest that I have seen in those parts; though not to be compared, for form of face, with the homeliest Kitchin-stuff-wench in London. I dallied with her so long, till that lust conquer'd my fancy; attempting something, and being in a fair way to it, this Satyr-Goat-Devil, (I can't invent a name bad enough to call him by) presently falls down upon us; and ta­king me thus unawares, lying on my belly, I was not able to help my self, that he had like to have perform­ed his business; and questionless had effected it, but that the two Maidens standing by (no ways ashamed at this most shameful sight) assisted me, pulling him off. I presently started up, and seized him; and trip­ping up his heels, I laid him on his back: having so done, I bound him; then taking out my knife, I could not find in my heart to spare him one inch; and that he might not have any witnesses left of what was done, I took away his testicles too. The three [Page 102] young Girles fled, fearing my rage and revenge might have extended to them: And fearing my self, that they would give information of what I had done, I fled too to my Ships-Comerades; and gi­ving them account of what had happened, we all judg'd it the safest way to go aboard; and so we did, with all expedition possible.


From hence he sails to Do-Cerne, so called by the Por­tugals; who Adam-like, give (or, as I may say, take too much liberty) in imposing names on all new places, and things. By the Hollanders, it is called Mauri­tius. Its general Description.

DO-Cerne or Mauritius, is an Isle situate within the torrid Zone, close by the Tropick of Capri­corn; but it is very uncertain unto what part of the world it belongs, participating both of America, and bending towards the Asiatick Seas, from India to Java. This Isle aboundeth with what the use of man shall require. The landing looking out at Sea, is Mountainous: the circuit of this Island is about an hundred miles; it procreates an healthy and nou­rishing air; the great quantity of ever-flourishing & fragrant trees, doth no less lenisie the burning heat, when the Sun enters into Capricorn, as helped by the sweet mollifying breath of the North-west winde, when Sol again adheres to Cancer. Now as the tem­perature of that body is best composed, that parti­cipates indifferently of all the Elements, which either super-abounding or wanting, begets defect; What then is the temperature of this place, which is blest with, & abounds in all, & aborrive in none? Water is here very plentiful, drilling it self from the high rocks & trickling down into the valleys, spreads it self in­to various Meanders, till those sweet and pleasant [Page 104] waters disembogue themselves into the lap of the salt Ocean. There is so great a quantity of wood, that we could hardly procure passage. But of those many various Trees, we found none so beneficial to us, as the Palmeto: this Tree is long, streight, and very soft, having neither leaves, boughs, nor branches, save at the top, whereon there is a soft pith, wherein consists the sole vegetative of that Tree; which cut out, the Palmeto in a very short time expires. Its taste is much like a kernel of an Hazel-nut; boiled, it is like Cabbage. But the chiefest commodity that this Tree produceth, is the wine which issueth from it, pleasant, and as nourishing as Muskadine or Alli­gant. Thus we procured some thereof; coming where two or three grew together, with an augure we bo­red some small holes in eoch, which immediately the liquor filled; then with a small cane or quill we suckt the wine out of one Tree; then we went to another, and from that to the third: by that time we had drained the last, the holes in the two former were full again. This course we followed so smartly, that in less than an hour, three of us were so drunk (where­of I was none of the soberest) that had not these Trees been near the shore, for ought I know, by the morning we might have feasted the wilde beasts. Divers other Trees there be, strong both in shape and nature; one whereof (meerly out of curiosity) I must needs taste, which for half an hour so bit or stung my tongue, as if I had had my mouth full of Vitriol, or spirit of Salt. It is a comely tree to look on, but brings forth not any thing that is good: this Tree is in a manner naked too, and the body thereof as soft and penetrable, as new Cheese: the form of the Tree, [Page 105] its uselesness, with that hidden sting it carries in it, together with its softness; the lust of which, invites me to cut these lines therein; which my knife as ea­sily performed, as to write a mans name with a stick on the sand. The lines were these:

Th'art like a Woman, but thou want'st her breath;
Who's fair, but fruitless, and will sting to death
If tasted: would I could blast thee with my curse,
Since woman thou art like, for nothing's worse.

There is another Tree, which beareth a cod full of sharp prickles, wherein lies hid a round fruit, in form of a Doves-egg; crack it, and therein contain'd you shall finde a kernel, pleasant in taste, but poysonous in its operation. My sweet tooth lon'gd for a taste, and being very toothsome I did eat several; but it was not long ere my guts were all in an uproar, and were resolved in this mutiny, could they have found way, to charge my mouth with high treason, against the rest of my Members; but they were at last content only to discharge their fury through the Postern of their Microcosm; which they did so furiously, that I was much afraid, my guts having spent all their shot, they would have marcht out after. I had (in plain En­glish) in less than six hours sixty stools, besides pur­ging upwards; and had not we had a very skilful Dr. Chryrurgeon of our Ship, I had unavoidably perisht. Nature in this Island shew'd her prodigality of water and wood, corresponding also in every thing else a fruitful Mother labours to be excellent in. Here she seems to boast, not only in the variety of feather'd creatures, but in the rareness of that variety, which [Page 106] should I run over but briefly, the subject is so large, that by some I cannot but be thought too tedious. However, I shall lightly touch thereon. Here, and here only is generated the Dodo; for rareness of shape contending with the Arabian Phoenix; her body is round and very fat, the least whereof, commonly weighs above twenty pound: They please the sight more than the appetite, for their flesh is of no nou­rishment, and very offensive to the stomach. By her visage (darting forth melancholy) she seems to be sensible of that injury Nature hath done her, in framing so great a body, and yet useless, but to please the eye; committing its guidance to complemen­tal wings (for so I'm forc'd to call them) since they are so small and impotent, that they only serve to prove her an off-spring of the winged Tribe. Here are Bats also, as large as Gashawks. There is likewise great plenty of Fish: among the rest of most especial note, is the Cow-fish; the head thereof not unlike an Elephants, her eyes are small, her body at full growth about three yards long, and one broad, her fins ex­ceeding little, her flesh (being an amphibious crea­ture, living as well at Land, sometimes, as in the Sea) doth taste much like Veal. Some say that this Fish doth affect, and takes much delight in the sight of a mans visage. About this Island are flying fish, Dolphins, and Sharks. One of our men impru­dently swimming one day, the weather being very hot, in our sight a Shark came and bit off his leg, and part of his thigh, and he thereupon sunk; we made out to save him, but before we came, he was drown­ed. Here are Tortoises so great, that they will creep [Page 107] with two mens burdens on their backs; but their pace is so slow, that they would make but ill Porters, go­ing not above ten yards in two hours, when they make their greatest speed. The birds here are so un­accustomed to frights, that I have shot five or six times amongst a flock, letting the dead still lie, and not one of the surviving did so much as offer to flie. The Goats here have more of the Politician in them; for they seldom seed or rest themselves, but they set out their sentinels.


Hence he sailed for Bantham; by the way he recounts the danger he had like to have sustained, by ascending a burning Mountain.

WEighing Anchor, we steer'd our course for Bantam; but being much straitned by the way, for want of fresh water, we were compell'd to make up to the first Land we descry'd. Though the darkness of the night blinded our eyes from such dis­coveries, yet flames of fire not far distant from us, gave us perfect intelligence that land was not far off. That night we cast Anchor, fearing we might run foul of some Rock or shelf: In the morning we saw a large track of Land before us, not knowing what place it should be. Our Captain commanded the Long-boat to be man'd out, to procure water, if any good were there: amongst the rest, I went for one; for I was very greedy to observe novelties. Coming on shore, and seeing this Hill now and than belch out flames, by my perswasions I made my fellows forget for a time their duty or errand they came about, to make some inquisition into this miracle of Nature. Where­upon we all resolved unanimously to ascend the Hill, and with much difficulty we came so nigh the top, that we heard a most hideous noise proceeding from the Concave thereof: so terrible it was, that we now began to condemn our rash attempt, and stood at a convenient distance, judging it the only medium of our safety. Whilst we were thus in a delirium, not [Page 109] knowing what was the best to be done; the Mountain was instantly possest with an Ague-fit, & afterwards vomiting up smoak & stones into the Air (which af­terwards fell down in a shower upon our heads) we thought we could not escape without a miracle: and whilst we were all striving which way, with greatest expedition, we might eschew the danger, there rose in the midst of us such an heap of earth, ashes, and fire, with such kinde of combustible matter, as that we all seem'd as so many moveable burning Beacons, & without any thoughts of helping each other, every one endeavoured to secure himself. And although I was the last in the company, yet in this expedition it was much available to me; for my companions ma­king more haste than good speed, tumbling down the Hill before me, fell several of them together; which blocks lying in my way, obstructed my passage, & so sav'd the breaking of my neck, which otherwise would have been inevitable. In this prodigious con­flict, most of us lost the hair of our heads, nor with­out receiving several batteries upon the Out-works of our bodies. At first sight we were much afraid; but the consequence made it appear, we were not more afraid than hurt. We made a shift to crawl down the rest of the way; and having fixt our unadvised feet on the bottom of the Mountain, we resolv'd we would never again pay so dearly for our curiosity, but sorthwith went in search of some Spring, that might serve as well to quench our cloaths, as our thirst. What we sought for we quickly found; and so filling our empty Cask, we made what haste we could aboard. The Captain and the rest stood amaz'd to see us look so ghastly, and were very impatient to [Page 110] know what was the matter with us; we told them succinctly what had happened, and what great dan­gers we underwent: instead of pitying us, they only laught at us for being such adventurous fools. Ha­ving thus furnished our selves with what we wanted, we set fail again for Bantum; where we safely arriv'd in a short time.


Going ashore to Bantam, and observing the Merchants what they did, taking up Goods upon credit (as it is usual in those parts) till the ship is ready to set sail, he by a stratagem turns Merchant too, and cheats a Ban­nyan, or China-Merchant.

AS soon as we came into the Harbour before Bantam, we presently man'd out our Long-boat and went ashore, to acquaint the President what we were, and by what authority we came thither to Traffick, being impowered by the East-India-Com­pany. We were received with much demonstrations of joy, and nobly feasted for three dayes together. Here note, that the house wherein the President dwel­leth, is the receptacle for the whole Factory, each man according to his quality having a dwelling within this house suitable to his dignity; the Factors all in general taking their daily repast with the Pre­sident. In a weeks time I learned by observation the custom of the Country, and manner or way of Tra­ding, our Merchant taking up Goods daily, and sen­ding them aboard without giving present satisfacti­on; it being sufficient that he belonged to such a Ship, and therefore must pay before he go, otherwise the King will arrest the Ship, compelling him to make restitution or payment. One time I met with a Ban­nyan, whom I observ'd to have a box full of precious stones: I could not sleep for thinking how I should [Page 112] make my self a Partner with him. At last I hammer'd out this invention: I cloath'd my self in Indian-silk, according to the custom of the Country; and having so done, I discoloured my face, & clapt a black patch upon one of my eyes. In this equipage I addrest my self to this Bannyan, who presently laid open his trea­sure to my view. I was not long in chusing what I esteem'd as most valuable; and demanding of him the price, we agreed he should have either so many pieces of English gold within two dayes, or else take his choice of what commodities I had aboard. We made a shift to understand each others broken expressions; and he without the least suspicion of my treachery, delivered his stones into my hands. Taking off my disguise, I went instantly aboard, and hid what I had cheated the Bannyan of (as I might easily do for the smallness of its bulk) in the Hold of our Ship, resol­ving not to go ashore yet a while. The day of payment being come, and the Bannyan no where finding me on Land, came aboard of our Ship, where by sign he made known to our Captain his errand; that a Mer­chant belonging to his Ship had bought commodi­ties of him, & promised to pay him on that day. Our Captain reply'd, that he verily believed he was mi­staken (as knowing what commodities the Mer­chants belonging properly to the Ship had bought) and therefore told him he must make inquiry else­where for satisfaction. The Bannyan still persi­sted, alleadging he was not mistaken, and that he was confident if he might have a [...]ight of all the men, he could out of them select the con­cern'd person. So warv I was of being disco­vered, that I acquainted not one soul with my project: for had I committed this secret to any, [Page 113] (though ever so dear a friend) it had been mine no longer; neither could I have promised to my self safety. Hereupon the Captin ordered us to be all call'd alost: which was spedlly performed. He went all round the company, viewing every man par­ticularly, and very heedfully. At last he came to me, and there made a stand, (which had like to have made my heart start out of my breast:) he lookt up­on me on this side, and on the other side; and to say truly, on every side: and having thorowly eyed me, he ran to our Captain, saying, That should be the man (pointing to me) but that he is a white man, and hath two sees (id est) two eyes. Whereupon I was strictly examined: but for all this sifting, I would not let drop any thing of a confession, that should convict me of guilt; but with lifting up hands and eyes to Heaven, I utterly denyed that ere I saw this man, or ever had any dealing with him. I had now forgot what promises and vows I made to Heaven, (when in Newgate, and sentenced to be hang'd at Tyburn) what a serious, pious, and ho­nest life I would lead, if I escaped that eminent danger the concerns of this life and that to come were then in. Herein I see the old Proverb veri­fied:

Quo semel est imbuta recens servabit odoren.
Testu diu, &c.—
That Cask will favour of that liquor still,
With which at first the Cask a man did fill.

Or according to that thred bare expression so com­monly used: [Page 114] Naturam expellas fura, licet usque recurret.’

Though man should stop his nature from its course, It will o'reflow again with greater force.

In short, the Bannyan, since he could not say po­sitively I was the man, was dismist, not without a solemn vow he would be revenged of us all in gene­ral; and I clear'd of the Indictment.


The next going ashore of the Sea-men, this Bannyan (for the injury was done him) caused a Running a Muck, that is, he instigated a great many people to kill all they met of that ship. The loss of several men thereupon: but he is out of danger, having cunningly kept himself aboard that time. He afterwards had like to have been killed by a Crease the Bannyan had hired for that purpose. His enemies being destroyed, be marrieth an Indian Punce-woman.

THe next day, a great many of our men went a­shore; and going into China-row, (a street so called in Bantam) to drink Punce and Tea, a great crew of Indians and Chineses (headed by this Ban­nyam) fell upon them, killing whom they could, not directing their revenge upon any particular person, which they call a Muck:) so hot and sharp was this Conflict, that many were killed on both sides, but more wounded. This accident alarm'd the whole town, but most especially the English there resident: but at last, with much ado, this grand uproar was calmed. It was my good fortune, that I was not then among them, otherwise I might have been made [...] sacrifice among the rest of my fellows. But I was fore-warn'd, having been pre-inform'd that such broyls are usual upon such occasions; wherefore I kept my self out of harms way for that time.

But not long after, thinking their malice was blown over, I went ashore; and walking with others of our Boars-crew in the same [...], (where most of our men were us'd to resort, because of the liquor that [Page 116] was there to be had, and a Whore to boot) a fellow came to me, with this Bannyan I cheated, and both of them with Greases, (a kind of Dagger of about a foot and half long) would have stab'd me, had not my friends prevented them, by striking up their heels, and afterwards with their own Creases stab'd them to the heart. After this, we could walk very quietly without any disturbance, going any where without any danger.

Being very hot there, our usual pastime was to go up a little small River (joyning to the Town) four or five miles to wash our selves: the trees so covered it over like an Arbor, that the beams of the Sun could not penetrate it; by which means it was fine and cool, which very much refresht our parched bodies. I never came ashore, but I drank very immoderately of Punce, Rack, Tea, &c. which was brought up in great China-Jug holding at least two Quarts: with every such Jug there was brought in a Dish of Sweetmeats, not of one sort, but variety, and excel­lent good; for which we paid a shilling English: and if you call'd for another Jug, you paid no more, [...] a Dish usher'd it in.

One house especially I much frequented, for the Indian womans sake that kept it: for though she was black, or rather tawny, yet she was well-featur'd and well-form'd, having long black hair (when she unty'd the tresses) hanging down to her legs. She from the first shewed me as much kindness as could be expected from that lump of Bar barism and I could discerne her inclinations, (in the same manner as a man may from beasts, when they are prone to Gene­ration) but yet it went against my stomack to yield to her motions. However, she continued her love to me, not letting me pay for any thing I call'd for: and [Page 117] when there was no necessity of being aboard, she would in a maner make me lie in her house, (which, as their houses commonly are, had but one story:) the beds they use are a kinde of Quilr, hard; for were they soft, the hotness of the Climate would cause them to be very destructive to mans body, even melting his very reins. Gold and Jewels she had great quantity, with an house richly furnished after the Indian fashion. For this consideration, I perswa­ded my self to marry her; and with several argu­ments alleaged, I gained so much conquest over my self, that I could kiss her witout disgorging my self: and by accustoming my self to her company, methought I began to take some delight in it. By degrees, interest so over-power'd me, that I resolv'd to marry her. Thus many (nay most) for Money, stick not to give themselves to the Devil. Having one night (lying there) seriously considered of my resolution, and liking it indifferent well, I fell asleep; but wonder'd when I awaked, to see a thing lie by me all black, as if she had had a Mourning-smock on. It seems she could hold out no longer: I pretended to flee from her; but she held me fast in her arms, using what rhetorick she could to perswade me to the con­trary. I ask'd her what she meant? She told me in a little broken English she had got, that she would Mo­ney me; marry me, she meant: I, Money me, said I, that I like well; but without it, let the Devil have married her for me. I ask'd her several questions, to which she gave me satisfaction; and enjoyn'd her se­veral things, which she greedily condescended to: whereupon I gave her the first-fruits of her desires. But ere I go farther, take something of my Ryming fancie with you.


He descants on his Marrying, and lying with an Indian-Black: Gives [...] Advice to others; and con­cludes for this time.

AT the first light, her head s [...]em'd in a Case,
Or that a Vi [...]rd-mask had hid her face,
Or that she was some Fiend from hell had stole,
Having for Lust been burnt there is a role.
I could not tell what this foul thing should be:
A Succubus it did appear to me;
A d [...]mn'd black soul, that was by beaven sent,
To make [...] of my blacker crimes repent.
I started from her, being much ama [...]'d:
The more I was afraid, the more [...].
Then she arose, and caught me in her arm;
Such soft flesh sure intended me no harm.
' [...] time to roar, since that I could not tell,
But that I was encircled (now) by Hell.
[...], stay, (said she) I am no [...] [...]end,
[...] flesh and blood, and am [...]hy loving friend:
[...] my [...] do not pleas [...] thy [...],
Then close shine eyes, [...] love: This love is blinde.
I understood her [...], and [...] did swear
That I would [...] this my [...] fear;
And so [...] my self [...]nto the Rug
On which we lay, and after many a Tug,
I [...]lighted faith with this kinde Infidel.
[...] what we did, my modest tongue [...]on't tell.
I would at any time (might I but ch [...]se)
The fairest White for thi [...] same Bl [...]ck refuse.
But mischief on't, let me shoot e're so right,
It can't be said that I did hit the White.

[Page 121] Interest so blinded my reason, that I went instantly to my Captain, & gave him information of my pro­ceedings, desiring his consent in the marrying this Indian, alleadging how advantagious it would be to me. He granted my request, upon my earnest impor­tunity; land being dismist from his service, we were married according to the Ceremonies of the Church by an English Priest, she rencuncing her Paganism. What money was got by my wifes Trade, I laid out in such Commodities the Country afforded, as Cal­lico's, Pepper, Indico, Green-Ginger, &c. and sold them immediately to the Ships lying in the Har­bour, doubling what I laid out: so that in short time I found my stock to increase beyond expectation: such satisfaction my Black received from me, that she thought she could not do enough to please me. I was an absolute Monarch in my family; she and her servants willingly condescended to be my vassals: yet though I thus enjoy'd the prerogative of an hus­band, yet I did not Lord it too much; which won so much upon my wifes affection, and those that were concern'd with her, that assoon as I desired any thing it was immediately performed, with much alacrity and expedition.

I fancy'd my life to be now as happy as the world could make it, having plenty of every thing, and not control'd by the foolish self-will of an obstinate wo­man. I confess it was at first a great regret to my spi­rit, to lie by a woman so contrary to my own com­plexion: but Custom made her become in process of time as lovely in my eye, as if she had been the com­pleatest European beauty. I now again considered how he must live, that intends to live well; and upon that consideration, concluded upon this resolution, Not to neglect my duty to Heaven, my Self, [Page 122] or Neighbors: for he that fails in any of these, falls short in making his life commendable. For our Selves, we need Order; for our Neighbor, Chari­ty; and for the Deity, Reverence and Humility. These three duties are so concatenated, that he which liveth orderly, cannot but be acceptable to his Maker and the World. Nothing jars the Worlds harmony more, than men that break their ranks; and nothing renders Man more contemned and ha­ted, than he whose actions onely tend to irregula­rity. One turbulent spirit will even dissentiate the calmest Kingdom: so did my past unruly and disor­derly life ruine my self, as well as many families. I have seen an Orthodox Minister in his Pulpit with his congregation about him; and since revolving in my minde the comliness of that well-ordered sight, I have thought within my self how mad he would appear, that should wildly dance out of his room. Such is man when he spurns at the Law he liveth under; and such was I, that could not be contain'd within due limits, living like the Drone on others labors: taking no pains, but onely making a hum­ming noise in the world, till Justice seiz'd me for a wandring, idle, and hurtful vagabond, (an ignavum pecus) and so had like to thrust me out of the world, the Hive of industrious Bees.

Ill company at first misled me, and it is to be fear­ed by my example others have been misled. For he that giveth himself leave to transgress, he must needs put others out of the way. Experience giveth us to understand, that he which first disorders himself, troubles all the company. Would every man keep his own life, what a concord in Musick would every family be! It shall be my own endeavor to do this, and my cordial advice to others to do the like.

[Page 123] Doubtless he that performeth his duty to Heaven, shall finde such a peace within, that shall fit him for whatsoever falls. He shall not fear himself, because he knoweth his course is order: he shall not fear the World, because he knoweth he hath done nothing that hath anger'd it: he shall not be afraid of Heaven; for he knoweth he shall there finde the favour of a servant, nay more, a Son, and be protected against the malice of Hell.

I know I shall be lookt on no otherwise than an Hypocrite; neither will the world believe my refor­mation real, since I have lived so notoriously and loosly. Let a man do well an hundred times, it may be he shall for a short time be remembred and ap­plauded; whereas if he doth evilly but once, he shall be ever condemned, and never forgot. However, let me live well, and I care not though the world should flout my innocence, and call me dissembler: it is no matter if I suffer the worst of censorious reproaches, so that I get to Heaven at last: to the attaining of which, the best counsel I can give my self and others is, Bene vive, ordinabiliter tibi, sociahiliter Proximo, & humiliter Deo: Live well, orderly to thy self, sociably to thy Neighbour, and humbly to thy Maker.

Take this as wholesome advice, though from an ill liver, which hath been in part discovered in the fore­going Discourse; wherein I have endeavoured, by drawing up a List of my own evil actions, to frighten others from the commission of the like. For as there is no company so savagely bad, but a wise man may from it learn something to make himself better: so there is no Book so poorly furnished, out of which a man may not gather something for his benefit. Here­in I have not minded so much words, as the matter; aiming at nothing more than how Imight compleat­ly [Page 124] limn Vice in her proper ugly shape: having done that, I have done what I intended, The reformation of others by my wicked example. For Vice is of such a Toady complexion, so ill shap'd & deform'd, that she cannot chuse but teach the soul to hate; so loathsome when she is seen in her own nasty dress, that we cannot look upon her but with detestation and horrour. Vice was cunning and curiously painted when I fell into her scabbed embraces; nei­ther could I have ever known her soulnes, and rot­tenness, had I not tried whether her (seeming) fair­ness and soundness were real. Believe me, she is no ways that she appears to be; therefore be not delu­ded by her: but let my Life be to the Reader, as a friend fal'n into a pit, that gives warning to another to avoid the danger. So admirable hath Pro­vidence disposed of the wayes of man, that e­ven the sight of Vice in others, is like a Warning-ar­row shot for us to take heed. Vice usually in her greatest bravery, publisheth her self foolishly, think­ing thereby to procure a Train; and then it is, that the secret working of Conscience makes her turn her weapons against her self, and strongly plead for her implacable adversary Vertue. We are fre­quently wrought to good by contraries; and soul acts keep Vertue from the charms of Vice. An anci­ent Poet writ well to this purpose, thus:

[...] Insuiv [...]t Pater optimus hoc me,
[...]r fugerem exemplis vitiorum quae [...] not ando.
[...] me horta [...] etur parce, frugalitur, at [...]
[...]verem uti contentus e [...], quod mi ipse paraesset:
[...] vides Albi [...] male vivat fillus? ut [...]
Bartus inops? Magnum documentum ne patriam [...]
Per [...]ere [...]. A turpi [...] amore
[Page 125] Quum deterreret, Sectani dissimilis sis.
—Sic me
Formabat puerum dictis.—
—Thus my best father taught
Me to flee Vice, by nothing those were naught.
When he would charge me, Thrive, and sparing be,
Content with what he had prepar'd for me;
Seest not how ill young Albus lives? how low
Poor Barrus? Sure, a weighty Item how
One spent his means. And when he meant to strike
A hate to Whores, To Sectan be not like.
—Thus me a childe
He with his precepts fashion'd.—

There is no better way to correct faults in our selves, than by observing how uncomely they appear in others. After a [...]it of drunkenness, my conscience would usually accuse me, and many times, after con­victment, would pass so severe a sentence of condem­nation on me, that my own hands have oftentimes been like to prove my Executioners. Considering within my self what should be the cause of this trou­ble and self loathing, I found it proceded from [...] ­ther reason than the observation of others in the like beastly condition, and how noisom it hath rendred them to all. The first thing that made me abhor a Cholerick passion, and a sawcy pride in my self, (of which I was too guilty) was the seeing how ridicu­lous and contemptible they rendred those that are infested with them. Besides, those that are thorowly experienc'd in navigation, do as wel know the coasts as the Ocean; as well the sands, the shallows, and the rocks, as the secured depths in the most dangerless channel: so I think those that would arrive to as much perfection as they are capable of enjoying here, must [Page 126] as well know bad, that they may abtrude or shun it; as the good, that they may embrace it. And this knowledge we can neither have so cheap, nor so cer­tain, as by seeing it in others: for under a Crown you may buy the whole experience of a mans Life, (as of mine) which cost some thousands; though me no more hundreds than what I borrowed of the world, having of mine own nothing originally. If we could pass the world without meeting Vice, then the know­ledge of Vertue onely were sufficient: but it is im­possible to live, and not encounter her. Vice is as a god in this world: for as she ruleth almost incontrol­lably, so she assumes to her self ubiquity, we cannot go any where, but that shepresents her self to the eye, &c. If any be unwittingly cast thereon, let him ob­serve for his own more safe direction. He is happy, that makes another mans vices steps for him to climb to his eternal rest by. The wise Physitians make poy­son medicinable; and even the Mud of the world, by the industrious (yet ingrateful) Hollander, is turned to an useful fuel.

If (Reader) [...] [...]hou lightst here on any thing [...] is bad, by considering the forded stains, either [...] those faults thou hast [...] or s [...]un those thou might [...]st have. That Mariner which hath Sea-room, [...]an [...] [...]ny wind almost serve to s [...]t him forwards in his wished [...]: so may a wise [...] any ad­ [...] to set [...] forward to the haven of Ver­tue. Man, [...] [...]eated, h [...]d, two great sui [...]ens [...] [...]ife and [...]; the one Ver [...], and the other Vice [...] [...] cam [...] in this manner and thus attended, Tru [...] [...] [...]ked, [...]; after h [...] followed Labour, Cold, Hung [...]), Thirst, Care and Vigilance; these poorly arayed, [...] looking upon it unseemly to [...] than their Mist [...]iss, who as [Page 127] plainly and meanly clad, yet cleanly: yet her counte­nance shew'd such a self-perfection, that she might very well emblem whatsoever Omnipotency could make most rare. Modest she was, and so lovely, that whatsoever lookt on her face stedfastly, could not but insoul himself in her. After her followed Content, enricht with Jewels, and overspread with Perfumes, carrying with her all the treasure and massie riches of the world. Then came Joy, withall essential plea­sures: next, Honour, with all the ancient Orders of Nobility, Scepters, Thrones, and Crowns Imperial-Lastly, Glory, whose brightness was such, (which she shook from her Sunny tresses) that it dazled the eyes of her beholders, so that they could never truly de­scribe her. In the rear came Eternity casting a ring about them, which like a strong Inchantment made them ever the same. Vice strove not to be behind­hand with Vertue; wherefore she sets out too, and in this form: Herpre-cursor or fore-runner was Ly­ing, a painted houswife, of a smooth, insinuating, and deluding tongue, gaudily clad all in changeable; but under her vestments she was full of scabs and loath­some ulcers. Her words seem'd exceeding pleasant, promising to all she met whatsoever could be wisht for, in the behalf of her Mistress Vice. On this hy­pocritical Quean Wit waited: next him, a Conceit­ed fellow, and one that over-swayed the Fancie of man with his pretty tricks and gambals. Sloth and Luxury followed these, so full, that they were then ready to be choaked with their own fat. After these, followed some Impostors, to personate Content, Joy and Honour, in all their wealth and Royal dignities. Close after these, Vice came her self, sumtuously ap­parel'd, but yet a nasty surfeited slut; her breath be­ing so infectious that he which kiss'd her was sure to [Page 128] perish. After her followed suddenly Guilt, Horror, Shame, Loss, Wanr, Sorrow, Torment; and these were charmed with Eternity's Ring, as the former. And thus they wooed fond Man, who taken with the subtile cozenages of Vice, yielded to lie with her; whereby he had his Nature so empoysoned, that his seed was all viciated and contaminated; and his cor­ruption even to this day is still convey'd to his un­done posterity. It is mans folly, onely to look on the fore-runners of Vertue, which are very poor, as Cold, Hunger, Thirst, &c. but not to consider her glorious attendants that follow after, as Content, Joy, Honor, and Glory. We fancy Vice for her outside, not imagining what she is when stript of all her Gauderies.

If you then intend to enjoy for your portion a Kingdom hereafter, adhere not to the allurements of Vice; for she will soon perswade you to be an un­thrift, to sell your Inheritance whilest it is but in Re­version. But hearken to Vertue's counsel; she will teach you how to husband all things well, so as to become a purchaser of no less than Joys eternal.

Fortunes favors oft do fade,
To those that in her arms do sleep:
Sbelter your selves in Vertue's shade;
She crowneth those that do her reap.
For though darkned, you may say,
When Friends fail, and Fortune frown,
Though Vertue is the roughest way,
Yet proves at night a bed of Doun.

[Page 129] THus have I given you a Summary Accompt of the Life of our Witty Extravagant, from his Non-age to the Meridian of his days. I left him in the East-Indies, and shall e're long discover what further progress he made there in his Cheats, not omitting the description of those places, wherein he perpetrated his Rogueries. In his return to his own Countrey, by foulness of weather, he landed in Spain: and finding the first place suitable to his designs, he over-ran that Countrey. From thence into Italy, acquainting himself with the most eminent Cities thereof; then into France, in which no place of note was unknown to him. Of all which places, we shall endeavor to give you an exact Chrorogra­phy. We shall likewise inform you what company he kept; Rogues of all sorts and sizes, of divers Countreys, and how far he out-did them all.

Lastly, his arrival at Graves-end, from whence he came to London in the rise of the late dismal (and never to be forgotten) Contagion; acting in that time of horrid Mortality, what will scarcely be com­prehended within future belief, or expressible by Pen. I shall also trace him to that great and dismal Conflagration, the burning of the City of London, in which by just Vengeance he lost what he had unlawfully gotten, with his most nefarious and wicked life.


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