A True Character of an Upstart Courtier.

HE is a person whose Sense, most commonly, consists in Seent; whose actions and Gestures, are nothing but Cringes; whose Breath is an Airy Complement; and whose Rind (like that of the Cinnamon-Tree) is worth all his Body besides: The height of his Ambition, is to receive Instructions from Coranto's and Play-Bills; [Page]these Notions must regulate the whole Course of his Living. He never knew what Credit or Reputation meant, further than Running on Score: His Tongue is Gentleman-Ʋsher to his Wit, and ever goes before it: He presseth into the highest Places, thrusts himself upon the greatest Businesses, but ever falls off with some palpable disgrace to himself. He is wonderful Exceptious and Cholerick, where he sees men are loth to give him an occasion, yet you cannot pacifie him better than by Quarrelling with him: He useth the fine Rhetorick of Cloths to gain esteem, for they are both his Imprimis and his Item: His whole Body goes upon Screws, and his Face is the Vice that moves them; his Skin is Tann'd in Civit, and all his Behaviours are Printed: The chief burden of his Brain is the Carriage of his Body, and the setting of his Face in good Frame, which he performs the better, because he is not Disjoynted with other Meditations: Associates he has from all Quarters and of all Qualities too, save good: He is but the Sign of a Man, for he is made of nothing but Antick Cloths and Cringes. He is a Mushroom-Gentleman that shoots up in a Night to Honour and Preferment. In the speculation of his good Parts, his Eys, like a Drunkard, sees all double; and his Fancy like an Old Mans Spectacles, makes a great Letter in a small Print: He is one that weighs his Breath between his Teeth, and dares not smile beyond a Point for fear he should unstarch his Look: He had rather the whole Kingdom should be troubled than an Hair out of order about him: He is ever in the slavery of Ceremony and Complements, for he varies his Face as Seamen do their Compas. If it be true that the Gyants e're made War with Heaven he had been a fit Ensign-bearer to that Company, whose thoughts fly a pitch above ambition. Every hot fancy and passion is the Signal that sets him Forward, and his reason ever comes in the Rear. All forreign Vices are Naturalized to him, for he makes them all his own by Imitation: He is the very sum and abstract of Lechery, and (without the assistance of a well-made Tap) certainly expires in Cupids Flames: He is perswaded that it is as Imposseble to find a Chast Man, as it is to throw a Drop of Water into the Sea, and take it thence unmingled, since he is so bad himself, as to make no scruple to Court any thing that carries the Face of a She: All his behaviours are so rediculous that they are enough to make Heraclitus (were he in being) burst into a Laughter to behold them: As to his Extraction he is Son to Crysalaus, who (as the Poets tell us) being invited to the Wedding of Jupiter and Juno, went thither bravely attended, rarely accoutred, Rich in Golden Attires and Gay Robes, but otherwise an Ass, the Gods seeing him come in such State and Pomp, rose up to give him Place; Ex­habitu hominem metientes, but Jupiter knowing what he was, Immediately turn'd him into a Butter-Fly: Murders to him are but resolute Acts, and Dammes, matters of small Consequence: All his Words are steep'd in Oyl, for he ever com­mends to you, first what he knows you like, and hath always some absurd History of your Enemy, and then wonders how your two Opinions should so Jump to­gether in one Man: He is an unnecessary Letter in the Alphabet of Creatures, and the Cypher in Natures Arithmetick, and in the Accounts of all good Men: By this time he may be grown so Notorious for private, though Damnable, Associations and cunning Insinuations (by the help of a little of your Salamanca Divinity) that he must either Fly his Country or submit to the Ax or Halter.

To Conclude, he is a Glorious Fool, his greatest Pride consisting in the Ratling of his Silks, a Gawdy nothing, having a Pedlers Pack, and a Brokers-Shop about him, and as his Life has been Odious to All, so his End is commiserated by Few. Thus with my Dear Respects to all my Quondam-Associating-Friends, either at Russels-Ordinary, or at the Exchange-Sun-Tavern. I Rest,