Fifteen real comforts of matrimony being in requital of the late fifteen sham comforts, with satirical reflections on whoring and the debauchery of this age / written by a person of quality of the female sex. 1683 Approx. 163 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 74 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2013-12 (EEBO-TCP Phase 2). A41292 Wing F887 ESTC R34438 14404401 ocm 14404401 102333

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Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 2, no. A41292) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 102333) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1058:10) Fifteen real comforts of matrimony being in requital of the late fifteen sham comforts, with satirical reflections on whoring and the debauchery of this age / written by a person of quality of the female sex. [10], 132 p. Printed for Benjamin Alsop ... and Thomas Malthus ..., London : 1683. Imperfect: pages stained and tightly bound with some loss of print. Reproduction of original in the Huntington Library.

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eng Marriage -- Anecdotes Married women -- Conduct of life. 2020-09-21 Content of 'availability' element changed when EEBO Phase 2 texts came into the public domain 2012-08 Assigned for keying and markup 2012-08 Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2012-10 Sampled and proofread 2012-10 Text and markup reviewed and edited 2013-02 Batch review (QC) and XML conversion

FIFTEEN Real COMFORTS OF Matrimony.

BEING In requital of the late Fifteen SHAM-COMFORTS. WITH Satyrical Reflections on Whoring, And the Debauchery of this Age.

Written by a Perſon of QUALITY of the FEMALE SEX.

Entred according to Order.

LONDON: Printed for Benjamin Alſop, at the Angel and Bible; and Thomas Malthus, at the Sun in the Poultry. 1683.

TO THE Injur'd LADIES.

NO, upon my word, Ladies;—'twas neither Favour nor Affection, nor Flattery, nor Fear, but ſomething, I know not what.—You may if you pleaſe call it Conſcience, and ſomething of Gratitude for favours formerly received amongſt you, as being one of the ſame Sex. And theſe two things would not let me be at quiet, hearing ye ſo odly abus'd and ſcandaliz'd, and daily reproach'd, by thoſe that were ten times worſe than your ſelves, that is to ſay, Men. For theſe Men have got a trick to lay all the weight and burthen of their fears, jealouſies, diſcontents, diſquiets, their running in Debt, their Breaking, all upon the womens backs; and Matrimony too muſt be arraign'd for their ſakes. But when we came to bring both to the Bar of Reaſon, and weighed the Miſcarriages of both the one againſt the other, the Mens Scale was ſo heavy, you could hardly lift it: The Womens ſo light, that you could hardly feel it. And therefore for theſe Manichaeans to beſpatter Matrimony for the Womens ſake, is ſuch a folly of Men, that the Women too ſeverely labour under it. Now then I would have the Men be ſo ingenious, for reparation of injuries ſo long done the Female Sex, as to reſign the Government of the World for a while to the Women; conſidering that we are not without examples of Heroeſſes, that have govern'd Empires and Kingdoms with that Fame and Renown, which has made 'em live to this preſent Age. For example, there was Semiramis that did wonders, and not only preſerv'd, but enlarg'd her Husbands Dominions. Zenobia Queen of Aſſyria, famous in her generation. Thomyris, that not only defeated, but cut off Cyrus's Head. To theſe we may add the Queen of Sheba, Pentheſilea, Amalaſuntha, Queen of the Oſtrogoths. And of later times, the great Mogul had a Miſtreſs, who having wrought her ſelf into the affections of the Emperour, beſought him to let her have her will ſo far, that he would lay aſide his own Imperial Dignity for four and twenty hours, and ſuffer her to exerciſe his own Abſolute Dominion for that time. To which the Emperour condeſcending, ſhe made ſuch good uſe of her ſhort ſeaſon, that the ſtory ſays, ſhe did more good in that four and twenty hours, than the Emperour had done in all his Raign before. So that 'tis plain, that Women can do ſtrange things if they were let alone. And truly one would think the Men could never have a better opportunity to put their Project in practice than now, while women reſemble 'em ſo much in their Habits, in their Swaſhes, their Juſticoars and Waſtcoats, their ſhort Hair and Perriwigs, which in a ſhort time will eaſily bring 'em to Breeches and Coats, which is the only thing they want.

However, Ladies, you muſt be very cautious in bringing this affair about. For Men are now-a-days grown ſuch ſplitters of hairs, that at down-right Swearing they'l be too hard for ye. Nor would I have you take for your Example the Sicilian Veſpers: I would not have you Maſſacre them all in one night; but you may if you pleaſe bind 'um all in one night, and then ſeize upon their Maces and their Caps of Maintenance, make ſure of the Bankers their Fur Gowns and their Trapt Horſes. But above all, Shops: which the better to bring about, you muſt endeavour to Libel 'em, and put the world out of conceit with 'em; nay, to make them jealous one of another, and to lay 'em as open as they have laid you. And that's the work of this Treatiſe, which you are to con and get withoutbook, that you may be able to pay your murmuring, repining, complaining, ill-natur'd Huſbands, your domineering ſpendthrifts, and by-hole-hunters, in their own coyns. And who knows what a benefit this may be to the world? For certainly a general peace muſt enſue: all Quarrels about Religion ſhall be at an end. Taverns ſhall go down, and ceaſe to plague us with their intoxicating Bruages. Gunſmiths and Powder-men may go hang themſelves. And then for Bawdyhouſes, there would not be one left in the Nation. And would not this be a bleſſed Reformation? Well, Ladies, go on and proſper; and when you come into your Kingdom, remember

Voſtre Bonne Amie & Tres-humble Servante.
THE Firſt Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

MAtrimony is like a good hedge about a piece of Paſture; it keeps a Man from treading over my ground. Or if any Swaſh-buckler will be ſo eager after his game, as to break my Quick-ſet, and ride over my Corn, a pedibus ambulando preſently lays him by the heels for his daring preſumption.

Then again, a Woman is like a Houſe; the Law gives a man a Leaſe of her; and he that takes a Leaſe of a Houſe, is bound to keep the Tenement in repair. If ſhe happen to be with Child, ſhe is like a Ship, and then ſhe never looks ſo handſome as when ſhe is compleatly rigg'd and trim'd.

He that Courts a young Lady neat and faſhionable in her habit, does ill if he intend not to maintain her afterwards in the ſame Garb. He muſt be no other than one of thoſe pittiful muck-worms that go all day with their Collars unbutton'd, that lowres at the finer and more curious Dreſs of his Wife, as if neatneſs and cleanlineſs belonged onely to Maids, and ſlattern careleſneſs to Wives: Whereas near, and trim, and tite, are the mark of Good-Huſwifery; looſe and tawdrie, the ſign of a Curtiſan.

All the while a man is a woing, he loves to ſee every thing in print, every thing proper and well adjuſted about his Miſtreſs; but when they have got 'em once home, and the Portion is paid, then let the ſtraws and the feathers ſtick upon their Gowns, 'tis not a pin matter.

Nothing more delights the eye than Beauty; but let a handſome draggle-tail come in ſight, and they cry, Fair and ſluttiſh. What a pleaſant comfort a man has of a wife that wallows about the houſe in her ſlip-ſhooes, and her Linen ſmelling like ſowre Milk! Therefore 'tis a womans love to her Husband, that ſhe is ſo earneſt with him for fine Cloaths, that ſhe may be the more grateful acceptable to his ſight: And what can be a greater comfort of Wedlock, than the Love of a Wife? A thing that they who want would purchaſe at any rate. Diamonds never ſhew their Value, but when they are apparell'd in Gold; and then they are admir'd by all. Proper attire, and becoming dreſs, are the life of Beauty.

And more than this, every one knows, 'tis not every mans luck to have a handſome, beautiful Wife; ſome are pretty well, ſome are but ſo ſo, and ſome by my truly ſo homely, that as for their beauty you can hardly give 'em a good word However, Art helps Nature; and every one would by art correct the defects of Nature. Nay, it is their prudence to be earneſt with their Husbands for thoſe Aſſiſtances which Art requires to poliſh Nature, that they may keep themſelves from the inconveniences of Contempt. For it is a hard matter for a woman to recover thoſe unkindneſſes which proceed from an eye that once begins to nauſeate. Hence it follows, that one of the chief comforts of Marriage muſt be a wife well dreſt, for by that means ſhe reconciles the eye that was perhaps offended and diſguſted beholding her but juſt before unready.

Dreſs and Carriage ſtrangely bewitch. There is a charm in the very noiſe and ruſling of their Petticoats— I have known, when a Lady, at what time, which is not long ago, that women wore flaps to their ſhooes, when the noiſe of a Lady, perhaps not altogether ſo handſom as Venus, coming out of her Chamber, and gracefully beating the ſtairs as ſhe deſcended ſtep by ſtep with her muſical ſlap, ſlaps, has kindled new fires in the Husband below, though he had not been up above an hour before. To which the ruſling of the Sattin Petticoat, is like the Baſe to the Treble, which produces ſuch a charming harmony, that the Eye is in a manner overperſwaded by the Ear, & believes that to be a new face, which before ſeem'd not ſo pleaſing; and by an officious flattery of the fancie, ſtill improving the diſcovery, till it beget new flames and freſh deſires. Which renewing of love being a happineſs, and the aim of ſucceeding pleaſure to both parties, produced by the delightful charm of Garb and Dreſs, plainly evinces that the outward Ornaments of a Wife muſt be a great comfort to a Married Man. And no man can blame the importunity of a Wife in that reſpect, when he finds it ſo conducing to his ſatisfaction.

Then ſteps in that Moral Adagie to ingage him deeper in his opinion; Fine feathers make fine birds. And who will not endure the horrid noiſe of a Parrot, or the chattering of a Jay, for the ſake of their curious feathers? which being ſo frequently experienc'd, certainly one would think a rational man ſhould much ſooner endure a little more than ordinary clamour from a Wife, for that which in the end brings him the greateſt comfort of Matrimony that can be, content of Mind; and removes all thoſe nuiſances, which otherwiſe a ſatiated eye might apprehend.

Juno, the chiefeſt of all the Goddeſſes, is ſaid to have choſen the Peacock for her peculiar Bird; and why? becauſe of all other birds, that bird is the moſt ſumptuouſly clad. And ſhe is ſaid of all the Goddeſſes, to be moſt gorgeous her ſelf in her Apparel, as one that pick'd and cull'd the colours of her Knots and Ribbons, in imitation of Natures variety beſtow'd upon that Bird. For which reaſon the Poets generally apparel her in a Mantle embroidered with the gaudy eyes of Peacocks tails. And all this to draw the wandring affections of Jove home to her ſelf. Neither did Jupiter ever contradict her, though ſhe were ſhrewiſh enough too. But that was not all; he let her have her humour, as finding it renewed his affection to her, after all the change of other Women.

Every new Gown cauſes a new wedding day; for Women furniſh themſelves with new ſmiles and new careſſes againſt that time. Pleaſure it ſelf grows irkſome, when it continues ſtill the ſame. The ebbings and flowings of Affection, enhance the price of it. Should men be always happy, they would never know they were ſo. 'Tis the ſame with rain and ſun-ſhine, winter and ſummer. Thoſe Countries are moſt pleaſant, where the temper of the ſeaſons, and the varieties of hot and cold, foul and fair, are moſt kindly intermix'd: and we find that foul weather is many times more deſir'd and more acceptable than a ſerene skie, as being much more beneficial.

In like manner, if the Quarrel of a Wife be for the advantage of a Husband, if ſhe murmure ſometimes for the want of thoſe things which may render her ſelf to her Husband more gay and debonaire in her humour, and her perſon more graceful and alluring to his eye, a ſtorm may now and then be born with, that produces ſuch calm effects.

And this, by way of Doctrine and Uſe, may ſerve the more juſtly and ſeverely to condemn thoſe that run gadding to ſeek for change abroad, when he has ſo much variety at home. For moſt certainly, as the humour varies, the pleaſure muſt be different. Female Inſinuation having always had a knack to proportion the activity of their affection according to the nature of the gift which they receive; and it is as common a thing to caper and dance out of content and ſatisfaction, as to leap for joy.

But what ſhall we ſay of thoſe that regret the opening of their Purſe-ſtrings to legal Matrimony, yet never grudge the bottom of their Bags to an imperious and laviſh Miſtreſs? As if it were not better to ſuffer a little under the ſeverity, though ſomewhat more than ordinary expenſive, of a lawful Wife, than to ſuffer the Martyrdom of an Eſtate, and to be hector'd out of their Gold by a prodigal Strumpet? unjuſt to their Wives, and ſottiſhly bewitch'd, to deny that to a lawful Wife, which they part withal with ſo much profuſeneſs to the frowns of their Illegitimate Miſs. And fools to themſelves, to purchaſe forbidden Luſt, at the dire expence of Reputation and over-late Repentance. Yet ſuch there are, that fret and fume, cry they cannot live a quiet hour at home, and bewail the ſadneſs of their Condition, for a little Petticoat-importunity of their Wives, but patiently brook the reproaches of a tawdry Quean; and when ſhe expoſtulates the caſe, and gives him a Bill of her profuſe demands, and cries, Dam her, ſink her, does he think ſhe'll live with ſuch a dog-rogue-Pimp as he, for ten pound a week; creeps and cringes, and makes loud Proteſtations and Vows of advancing her Fortune, to appeaſe her Counterfeit wrath. With which when ſhe is a little mollified, though not vouchſaf'd the favour which he came for, away he trudges to this Shop and t'other Shop, and in a ſhort time ſends her in a whole Caravan of Silks and toys to conſummate the atonement. And do you think that perſon was not moſt ſeverely and unmercifully us'd by a Daughter of Joy, that when he had bargain'd with her for a nights dalliance for twenty pound, coming to tell the mony, and finding thirteen-pence-halfpenny wanting (for it was Maltſters Caſh) forc'd him after he was half unſtript, to put on his clothes again, and go half a mile to borrow half a crown, to make up the ſum, and when he had given it her for change, kept that too? Was not this an inhuman piece of Tyranny? & yet the poor Inamorato took it as patient as a lamb, when perhaps he would have lamented the parting with forty ſhillings to the importunity of his wife, and thought himſelf undone to purchaſe a new Nuptial night from her at the expence of a ſingle pair of Stays. Such men infinitely degrade themſelves, as having loſt the more noble Appellation of Whoremaſters; and exchang'd it for the ignomious title of Whore-ſon Slaves. Some are ſuch haughty Roxelana's, that upon the leaſt diſguſt at a Tavern, they will throw the Quartpot, Wine & all at the ſubmiſſive Mammamuchi's pate; nay, & call him Son of a Whore to boot, as if they had both tumbl'd in one belly: Yet he goes home & lies with her all that night, and takes no more notice of his waſh'd Cravat, than onely, Why wer't thou ſo nangry, Molly?

Another ſort there are, that rather than ſee their Wives go garbate and trim, can endure to live in the midſt of ſtench and ſluttery. However, they are contented, becauſe the woman does not worry him, as he calls it, for fine Clothes. Perhaps becauſe ſhe was never ſo well bred as to know how to wear 'em: 'twere ten thouſand times better ſhe did. For now ſhe lives onely to convince the world by its contrary, how great the comfort is which Wedlock receives from the love of Gallantry, and cleanly ſpruceneſs. However, ſomething ſhe would have, but knows not what; 'tis not her ſtirring about her houſe, and moyling drudgerie, that keeps her tatter'd and Cinder-woman-like. She keeps cloſe in her ſtie, pouts and lowres, and ſends this body and t'other body to the Devil, and will be neither ſick nor well. Coming into her Chamber, the firſt glance of your eye gives you a proſpect of her Cloſe-ſtool open, and her Chamberpot full-charged; as if ſhe had that high Opinion of her ſelf, that ſhe were ſome Civet-Cat; or that all which came from her were nothing but Myrrh and Eſſence of Orange-Flowers. Draw the Curtains, and you behold her lying in a heap, like a Sea-coal-dunghil, but ſomewhat blacker; and 'tis a hard queſtion to reſolve, whether ſhe durtied the ſheets, or the ſheets durtied her, for they are all alike, ſmock, headgeer and all, of the ſame complexion with a Staffordſhire Forgers leather Apron. She looks ſo like a Witch, that you would almoſt think her the Walnut-colour'd Gypſie that murmur'd out the Oracles of Delphos. No body can dreſs her but Hercules, becauſe ſhe is firſt to be cleans'd; and no body can cleanſe her, but he that cleans'd the Augean Stable. Therefore ſhe converſes with no body, nor any body with her: Onely ſhe has this good quality, that ſhe is conſtant to her Husband, becauſe no body elſe dares come near her.

You'll ſay I am run into the Extremes; 'tis requiſite women ſhould go decent and near, but not above their Husbands Eſtates. Who ſhall be judge of that? the prooſ of the pudding, the man's undone; yet no body can ſay, by his Wife. Or if a man have a mind to be undone for his Wife, what's that to any body? his Marriage is never a whit the more diſcomfort to him, if he think it not ſo. And for the woman, ſhe has no reaſon to complain; ſhe cannot eat her Cake, and have her Cake.

However, all this while, where is the diſcomfort of Marriage? Marriage cannot be ſaid to be the occaſion of this mans undoing or misfortune. Wedlock is too ſacred an Inſtitution, to be ſo ſcandalouſly reproach'd. But ſome men have got a trick to conceal the infirmities of their Eſtates; you ſhall never know what they are worth, till they break or dye. They will never let their wives underſtand the intrinſick Value of their Coffers, but boaſt continually of their gettings, and their incomes; how much they got ſuch a morning, how much ſuch a day. And women proportion their demands according to the meaſures of what they hear or ſee; believing what their Husbands ſwear and lie to is all Goſpel. So that the men have no reaſon to be angry, if their credulous wives, deſirous to credit their Husbands, and to keep up their Port and Quality, and therefore covetous of a little gay apparel, by which the world generally makes its conjecture, are ſo gentile and generous as to place and fix their own delight in their Husbands Reputation and advantage; and may thank themſelves if the women ſurpaſs the limits of their Abilities. For it is natural in all women of life and ſpirit, and refin'd Education, to love that which ſets them forth to the beſt advantage, and renders them moſt amiable.

Neither muſt we expect that all women ſhould be ſhe-Philoſophers, or ſo devoutly given, to throw off the love of pomp and vanity incident to youth, upon their being Married; as if they were entring into a Nunnery, when they firſt entred their Husbands doors. Friends and Relations are not to be baniſh'd from the Habitations of Marryed men; and it is better the wife ſhould appear rather over garbated, than too mean; rather lac'd, than patcht and greaſie. And truly, as the times go, 'tis but reaſon that men ſhould beſtow a little more coſt than ordinary, or than perhaps formerly they did, that we may be able to know the Miſtreſs from the Maid, and not run into the miſtake of ſaluting the ſervant for the woman of the Houſe.

'Tis ſaid, that Cloaths are a certain Indication of the Diſpoſition of the perſon that wears them. A Woer in the addreſſes which he makes to his Miſtreſs, may ſoon give a ſhrewd conjecture at her temper by her Habit. Pride, Prodigality, Sluttery, illnature, all diſcover themſelves in her dreſs and carriage; eſpecially when ſhe is in her full trim. Pride ſhews it ſelf in richneſs of Laces, prodigality in the vanity of Ribbons, and not knowing the price of what ſhe wears when ſhe is askt. Sluttery appears in tawdry, and ill nature in diſorder and careleſneſs. So that if a man make an ill choice, 'tis his own fault.

Oh but the Charms of her face or her Portion are ſuch, that he dyes for the ſake of her black brows, or her fifteen hundred pounds, if he have her not. Then I hope if he have her, he has the main comfort of Matrimony he expected, not valuing all other inconveniences, compar'd to the poſſeſſion of what he enjoys. Which being ſo, 'tis not juſt in him to come with his after-reckonings: nor is it any real cauſe of complaint or diſquiet, that ſhe duns him for the ſame Port and Garb, nay, though it be more, which ſhe could have maintain'd without him. For women by Marriage expect to meliorate their condition, and not to loare the Sails of their Maiden-pomp. So that now enjoying his deſir'd comforts, he ought to let the Woman have her comforts alſo, which ſhe had ſo fairly paid for, by the ſurrender of her perſon and her Portion. If ſhe have nothing certainly he Married purely out of love and affection, believing there was no great felicity or comfort in this world, beyond the poſſeſſion of her perſon; and then I fear me, that perſon is forſworn every day, that does not give her more than ſhe demands.

There is a ſtory in Matchiavel, that a little before his time, the Devil came upon earth to chooſe him a wife, and that at length he found one out to his mind, and marryed her; but that among all the plagues with which ſhe tormented him, there was none more put him to his plunges (being at a certain allowance from the grand maſter of Hell) than her Expences. What's this to the purpoſe? this is but one ſingle inſtance, and one ſwallow does not make a ſummer. It may be the Devil met with his match. But we are not to bring a general accuſation againſt Marriage, for the follies of a few.

Commend old ſtern Cato to the Female Sex. He was their friend in a corner, and ſaid, that he that gave them offence was to be proſecuted with as much vehemence, as he that violated the Images of the Goddeſſes. We grant that ſome women may be extravagant and laviſh; but ſet the Hares foot to the Gooſe giblets; compare the good that they do, with their little extravagancies, and ſee which ſurmount. We do not preſently wring off a hens neck for breaking a Venice-glaſs, becauſe we expect ſhe ſhould lay us more eggs, and hatch us more Chickens of twice the value.

Neither does it follow, becauſe a woman is a little expenſive in Cloaths, that ſhe may not be chaſt, vertuous, and in other things ſufficiently frugal too: there is a frugality in expence, and that frugal expence it is, that ſcatters the Coyn of a Nation, which hoarded up, does no body no good.

Wives are not impos'd upon men, but choſen; and he is a fool, and betrays his own folly too, in lamenting an act of his own, of which he can never repent but in vain.

But ſhe louts and pouts, ſhe mumbles and grumbles all day, and at night turns tayl abed, and won't let him —unleſs— and all the reaſon in the world. For the wealth of a Family ought to be common to both. And therefore a wife has juſt cauſe to be offended, and to ſhew her diſguſt, if the Husband deny her that, which ſhe has as much right to beſtow on her ſelf, as he has to give her. He denies her her due, and ſhe denies him his. So that in this caſe, 'tis not the effect of Matrimony, but his own peeviſh injuſtice that occaſions his diſquiet. For, take away the cauſe, the effect ceaſes.

But ſhe demands more than his Eſtate will produce. He toyls and moyls, and runs and goes, and labours and ſweats, and takes care, yet nothing will content her. Thoſe things ſhould have been concerted at firſt. However, 'tis a ſign ſhe had rather have it by fair than by fowl means; rather from him than from another. Otherwiſe, had ſhe a deſign to be ſupply'd another way, ſhe would never trouble him. If it be true which he ſays, that ſhe does really overcharge him, has he not the law in his own hands? But this is the miſchief on't, all men deſire rich wives; and when they have them, know no bounds of moderation at firſt, but ſpend as if they thought the bag had no bottom. The woman, as ſhe finds it at firſt, believes the ſame golden age will ſtill continue. So that when ſhe comes to be ſtinted, and finds the ſuddain alteration, no wonder ſhe takes it impatiently, as one that not having ſeen the accompt ſtated, cannot be perſwaded ſhe has had her ſhare in the diſſipation of her fortune. Better it were then, that men would ſeek out wives ſuitable to their condition, and not run prolling after great Fortunes, not regarding the fitneſs of the perſon for their ſociety and employment, but the largeneſs of the Portion, let her be otherwiſe Prodigal, or Slut, or what ſhe will. The Boarding-Schools are ranſackt, the Prerogative-Office rumag'd from one end to the other; and if they hear of a prey, all the Arts and Inventions of the Devil, Midwives, Nurſes, Chambermaids, and other ſuttle inſtruments of inſinuation and temptation are ſet at work to enſnare the poor unthinking Gentlewoman. And what comes on't? if the intelligence were real, Law-ſuits, Proſecutions, and Divorces. If not, quiet Poſſeſſion, the womans friends overjoy'd they are rid of her, and when all comes to all, both cheated. Then after the heat is a little over, the main buſineſs begins to be ſcann'd; inquiry is made, tip-toe expectations on both ſides. But when the lame diſcovery comes limping out, then how is the darling of his Soul curſed and bann'd, and the Match-maker damn'd, and the deaf devil invok'd to take 'em both! But there is no remedy; the Thumb is ring'd, that muſt not long enjoy that golden Hoop; and ſo the deluded Couple conſume away in unpaid-for Lodgings, and the poor Chandlers debt.

Sometimes two grave Beard-ſtroakers meet with their Legem pone-Law, and at length conclude a Match by way of bargain and ſale; and ſo the young Couple are at laſt marryed by Indenture.

But if any inconveniences ariſe from theſe corruptions of Matrimony, they are not to be lookt upon as the diſcomforts of lawful Wedlock, but as the puniſhments of raſh and greedy riot, or the long experienc'd inconveniences of Smithfield-barter.

But lawful Matrimony, which is the effect of choice and mature conſideration of the mutual temper and affection of both parties, that's the true Matrimony, that ſeldome miſſes the end it aims at; where differences between Husband and Wife, like diſcords in Muſick, render the harmony of their ſociety more ſweet and delectable; and where thoſe little quarrels about new Gowns and Petticoats do but whet the Appetite, or elſe awak'n the ſlumbring kindneſs of the Husband.

As for ſtealing of Fortunes, and tolling of wives in the Market; they are Matches generally of Monſieur Satans making; and thereſore if they be accompani'd with ruine and misfortune, 'tis no great wonder. For Vertue, Honour, Chaſtity, Diligence, and good Education, are the chief Dowrie to be lookt after in a wife. And for ſuch, let them wear Tiſſue, if they deſire it; and they'l never deſire it, if it may not be afforded them.

THE Second Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

BUt the Charge does not end it ſeems in this; there are other Expences of another nature; Stratagems and Colluſions of Goſſips one among another, that make the poor mans night-cap fit uneaſie. And this Expence is of a long continuance, from the firſt Quickning, to the laſt ceremony of Churching. But here, give me leave to tell ye, beloved, that if there be any diſcomfort in Marriage, 'tis the woman that feels it, and not the man.

The rolling and tumbling of the little Embryo, twinges her every moment; the qualms of breeding run through every vein of her body, more particularly affecting the ſtomach, and occaſioning that ſqueamiſh niceneſs of Appetite that requires a more curious and agree able nouriſhment and refreſhment, as well for the Infant as the Breeding woman. Nature alſo buſie in the framing of a new Creature, produces ſtrange operations in Female fancy, which if it be not ſatisfi'd with the enjoyment of thoſe objects which it has fix'd upon, is the occaſion many times of great detriment to the Mother by frequent Miſcarriage, and great disfigurement to the Child. And then is time for a woman to try the affection of her Huſband, who muſt be thought very unkind to venture the life of his deareſt Conſort for the want of two or three plump Partridges, or the corner of a Veniſon Paſtie. It would be a mercy unſeaſonably ſhewn to his new ſhoes, or the ſoles of his feet, to grutch the trudging, though it were ten miles a foot, to obtain ſo ſlight a ſatisfaction to a tender wife, ſuffering for the ſake of his own pleaſure. Certainly if there be any content in the delicacy of Viands, that happineſs is enhanc'd; and a man can have no greater comfort in Matrimony, than to feaſt and junket with his wife, his beſt Companion, and his deareſt friend.

It is but an ordinary piece of gratitude to indulge the Palate of a teeming woman, and to alleviate the throws of Conception and Maturation with the ſlender gratification of a few kick-ſhaws, knowing how great the return of the fruit which ſhe bears, will be at the end of her time. If nothing leſs will ſerve her than a waſhbowl of Claret, if ſhe has a mind to confound a whole Sive of Kentiſh Cherries, or to deprive a roaſting Pig of his Ears, and knaw them off upon her knees from the ſpit, where's the diſcomfort of Matrimony in all this? There's ne'r a man in the world that cares to ſee his Daughter depriving her ſweet-heart of his full kiſs, by reaſon of the piece wanting in her harelip: Or to ſee a red ſpot over-ſpreading his Sons check, as if Nature had wrapt him up in natural Scarlet, for a continual pain in the Gums. And all this for want of a pitiful forty ſhillings-worth of green peaſe in April. Men never conſider the Crowns and Angels they throw away in their pot-revelling, and Healthing it at the Tavern; their Collations at the Rummer, with Salmon and old Hock, their Haſhes and Potages at the Bear in Birchinlane; while they grudge the poor Teeming woman at home, under the affliction of their nocturnal ſatisfaction, the bare ſolace of a ſingle Cony, and a penny whiteloaf.

Oh! —but then there muſt be a new Alkove, with a deep Silk Fringe; there muſt be a Scarlet Satten Mantle for the new-born Babe, with a broad gold and ſilver bone-lace; there muſt be a Court-Cupboard cover'd with Tankards and Caudle-cups of Goldſmiths work; and then the Goſſips come in in ſhoales, and devour like Aethiopian Locuſts. There muſt be Neats-Tongues, and Weſtphalia Hams, piles of Oranges and Lemmons, and Mountains of Woodſtreet Plum-cakes. Neither muſt the French and Spaniſh Juyces be wanting to waſh theſe ſorrows from their Female Hearts. The women prate and chat and tattle too, and give ill Counſel, and bad Inſtructions. They diſcover by what means and ways they obtained it, and what an Arbitrary power they have at home. Now where's the diſcomfort of Matrimony in all this? here's nothing but mirth and comfort it ſelf; pure rejoycing for the birth of a Man-child. Would you be willing to be Landlord to a Comfit-maker, and not have him pay his Rent? Then for Goſſips to meet, nay to meet at a lying in, and not to talk, you may as well dam up the Arches of London-Bridge, as ſtop their mouths at ſuch a time. 'Tis a time of freedom, when women, like Parliament-men, have a priviledge to talk Petty Treaſon. And he's an Ignoramus of a Husband, that will not paſs an act of oblivion for the Treſpaſſes of a Chriſtning Banket.

Women are ſociable Creatures as well as men; and if they can't talk Philoſophy, they muſt talk of that which they better underſtand.

I never heard but of one man, an Italian Painter, who was made believe that he was with Child; who was ſo apprehenſive of the trouble and pangs of Delivery, that having but a hundred pound in all the world, he gave it all a Phyſitian for a diſtill'd water of fat Capons, and other Ingredients, to cure him of his burden. The fellow that had his Brother growing out of his ſide, found it an unmerciful trouble to lug him about.

Men muſt acknowledge that women have done them a moſt extraordinary kindneſs, to eaſe them of that ponderous weight of Infant-carriage. And therefore ſince they have all the trouble, 'tis fit they ſhould have ſome retaliation and alleviation of their pains. And therefore they that make theſe Expences the diſcomforts of Matrimony, are onely ſuch as deſire an end of the world for want of Procreation. For they are ſuch neceſſary and incumbent appurtenances to the act of Generation, that you may as well ſeparate the Sea from a mouth of a River, as part expence from the Chamber of Delivery. For man is Lord of the world, and of all the Creatures, and therefore it is fit that as much of the Creature as may be, ſhould attend him at his firſt entry. Theſe are therefore laudable Expences; and there can be no diſcomfort in doing that which is laudable and honourable.

Theſe are nothing to the diſcomforts of the ſecret ſinner. The firſt thing that ſalutes him in a morning, going to drink his mornings draught, (and he had need of it, Heaven knows, to waſh ſorrow from his heart) is an old woman, that drops him a curtſey, and gives him a little piece of Foul Paper, ill folded up, and ſeal'd with the end of a Thumb. Sir, quoth ſhe, it comes—well, well, I know, 'tis ſufficient, —well, but Sir, quoth ſhe,—well—well —no more, quoth he—But Sir,—and then ſhe gives him the doleful whiſper,— The Gentlewoman is in great diſtreſs for want of Money; ſhe expects every hour, and the people threaten to turn her out of her Lodging. —Oh the comforts of Whoring then, how they ſlide to his benumm'd heart, and carry a chilneſs through his blood, like the juyce of Henbane! Ale will not then go down; a Toſt and Sack muſt be the Cordial, which taken liberally at firſt, cauſes him to indulge himſelf into a forgetfulneſs of the buſineſs for that day. But the next morning, freſh Terrours aſſail his thoughts. Sometimes he thinks he ſees a little bundle of unfortunate Innocence lying at his door; ſometimes he believes he ſees the ſame witherd-fac'd Meſſenger that brought him the firſt Letter diſcourſing with his wife; loſs of Reputation amuſes him. The very thoughts of a Church-warden, and finding Security, drives him almoſt to deſpair. Well, ſomething muſt be done. Away he takes a diſconſolate march about the ſtreets, and at length the ſign of the Cradle in a by-hole, revives his drouping Soul. In he goes, and fortunately finding the ſhe-profeſſor of Iniquities Myſtery, to her unfolds his deplorable misfortune. The demands run high, beſides Lodging and Candles, a dry and a wet Nurſe, and all ready money, no faith. And that pinches hard, to pay ſo high for illegitimate Touch and go. Summa totalis 200 l. and a weekly Contribution of four ſhillings, beſides Barrows, Clouts, Coats, diminutive ſhooes, Sugar and Candles. All things concluded, in pops the light Houſwife in the dark out of her cloſe Sedan, and goes for the wiſe of a bad Husband gone beyond Sea; only the compaſſion of her friend is ſuch, that his charity will not let her want.

All this while there is no contract or bargain that will bind theſe Purſe-ſucking bauds; for the threatning to lay the Child at the door, is ſuch a terrible thunder-clap to his ears, and the Jades do ſo haunt him, that he may be truly ſaid to live a continual ſlave to their neceſſities: which muſt of force be a great conſolation to his mind over the left ſhoulder.

Whereas the Expences belonging to the lawful Marriage-bed, bring no ſuch vexations to the Mind; as being only the occaſion of mirth and jollity among the Neighborhood, and gain the reputation of generoſity and kindneſs to the Husband.

And thus you find the Country Farmers feaſt their Harveſt-folks and ſheepſhearers after their work is over. The endurance of pain and travel that brings advantage, ought to be recompenced to the full. And it is not the kind and becoming Treatment of a Wife, to retaliate her yearly preſents of lawful Iſſue, that can diſquiet a loving Husband, but the paying for a Baſtard, and the ſubjection he lives in to the concealers of his Infamy, that cauſe a fermentation in his thoughts, and make his very life uneaſie to him.

I had almoſt forgot one thing more; there's the Spiritual Court too, if he have not a great care to prevent it, will have a conſiderable fleece from his back to boot. And is't not a great comfort to a man, d'ye think, to ſtand in the face of his whole Pariſh, and more Spectators than came to hear the Parſon, lapt up in a white ſheet all but his face, as Spirits walk by midnight? and all for ſporting between unlawful ſheets, which though two to one, will never be able to wipe of the diſgrace of the ſingle ſhroud. So great a blemiſh may a man receive from white as well as from charcoal black, while the white ſheet diſcovers what the white ſheets were made to conceal. My dear friends conſider theſe things.

THE Third Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

WEll—and what then?—why when a man has got a woman within the Pale of Matrimony, ſhe is then like a Meſs of Porridge. And there is no man has got his diſh of broath well crumm'd and ſeaſon'd for his own Palate, but will be very angry if another come with his long ſpoon to eat it up from him. The moſt ſurly maintainer of Liberty and Property, in the caſe of Matrimony, will not allow thoſe two words to aſſociate together; for aſſuming all the property to himſelf, he will not admit of any liberty to the woman.

If a Gentleman with a Sword by his ſide, and flaring Cravat, with Fring'd Gloves, be obſerv'd to viſit his wife, preſently 'tis look'd upon as an ill ſign: if he Coach her abroad, 'tis ten times worſe, for that, by the cuſtom of the City, the women are never to ſhew their beſt cloaths but onely on Sundays, or upon ſolemn invitations to Burials and Chriſtnings. The Vicinity being thus in an uproar, ſome cunning, Mantiſſimus buſie-body or other undertakes, out of good will, as he calls it, to come and give his Neighbour prudent advice, as being a young man that had not ſeen the world; and ſo moſt gravely and right reverendly, over the expence of eight braſs farthings, at a penny club, forewarns and admoniſhes him of the miſchiefs that hang over his head.

This friendly advice puts a hundred maggots into the Husbands head, when Heaven knows, all was well before. So that if the poor man be troubled afterwards with a tingling in his ears, or worms in his pate, he may thank that impertinent intelligence of his officious neighbour, and not his wife for it. For it argues a great folly in a man, not to bid ſuch an impertinent admonitor go about his own buſineſs; rather chooſing to live free from tittle tattle, and to ſtand fair in the opinion of the flipperous Town-Flebergebits, than to keep himſelf quiet at home, by letting his wife go abroad now and then with a friend.

'Tis obſerv'd, that women ſeldom think ill, till their Husbands dream it firſt. By truſting a woman, you lay an obligation upon her; by diſtruſting her, you put her upon thoſe little revenges which perhaps ſhe never thought of before. Thus it was the great argument which the Spaniſh Lady us'd to her ſelf, that ſhe had not done much amiſs to admit her Page into her Bed, becauſe ſhe knew that her Husband was a bed with an Inn-keepers Daughter of the Town, at the ſame time. So that he who keeps his wife under a cauſeleſs reſtraint, lays the trains himſelf that blow up his content, and then lays the fault upon Matrimony.

He that carries her to a Feaſt, muſt be her gallant; that's indubitable. But he that carries her to a Play or a Ball, commits abomination, and is preſently to be Excommunicated from the Houſe. So ready are the Mote-ſpiers in other peoples eyes, to ſquander away the content and reputation of their Neighbours; and yet would be the firſt that would complain, were they ſo hamper'd themſelves.

Therefore ſay the Doctors in Love-Affairs, that a woman which is kept as it were under lock and key, and made to renounce all her former acquaintance after Marriage, is half gain'd: and your true gameſters muſt generally prey where controul and tyranny are moſt ſowre and ſevere.

But theſe Kinſmen, you'l ſay, are no Kinſmen, but men in the ſhape of Kinſmen; and what ever the pretence be, the deſign is quite another thing, and the Kinſman and the wife concert together. Why, look ye for this, 'tis a general cuſtom in England, and many other places, when Locks go hard to oyl 'em. If the humour of a moroſe Husband be ſo ſtingie and ruſtie, that it will not eaſily give way, it muſt be oyl'd with fair pretence and clever invention. 'Tis a happineſs to him, that he has not Marry'd the contempt of the world, but that he has a wife who deſervedly merits the reſpect of others beſides himſelf. There is no man that has any thing of generoſity, but that to ſome, and at ſome times, lends out the moſt pretious part of his wealth, his Horſe, his ſilver-hilted Sword, and his Guineys to boot. And is it ſuch a piece of matter ſometimes to lend out the good company and cheerful ſociety of his wiſe, ſo long as ſhe's ſafely returned again? Should men be bound to confeſs the cheats and ſhams they put upon their wives, when they have been potting and piping, and Shovel-boarding it till twelve a clock a night, and pretend they have been dunning this Knight, or t'other Lady, they would think it a hard caſe. 'Tis nothing for a man that has been a Caterwawling all day, and comes home with a weeping Flagelet, to tell her a ſtory of ſtraining his back in taking a ditch after a Hare; but the mollified excuſe of a Kinſman to go abroad with her, muſt be a crime never to be forgiven. For it muſt be a Kinſman, or elſe her Lord and Maſter will not let her go. As if a Kinſman were ſuch a guard to womans honeſty; when if we rightly conſider'd it, the Proverb tells us, The nearer akin, the deeper in. So then 'tis not the going abroad, nor the going abroad with a Kinſman, which is the diſcomfort of Matrimony; but 'tis his own fears and ſuſpitions that muddle his brains.

If I lend my gay Sword to a friend, and he happens to wound another in a Duel with it, yet if he return it bright and clear, my Sword is never the worſe. What the eye ſees not, the heart never rues; why ſhould then a man torment himſelf, when he cannot perceive the leaſt injury done him; not ſo much as the value of a hair taken from him? On the other ſide, it is the comfort of Matrimony, that a man is the owner of a wife admir'd for her Converſe and Education, which ſignifie little, unleſs communicated to ſeveral, and not ſingly to one. Men do not marry to bury their wives alive in a houſe; and it is an ornament to their Husbands Reputation, when they do not make themſelves contemptible by ſilly behaviour, but reſpected for their complaiſance and acceptable freeneſs. And a man had better be over-indulgent to his wife in point of liberty, than be accounted her Jaylor. In ſhort, 'tis a greater comfort of Matrimony to have a wife that loves to go abroad, rather than one that lyes lurking at home. For ſhe that keeps her kennel, is a continual ſpie over his actions, and has always a whither go ye at her tongues end; whereas the t'other lets the man take his lopes as ſhe takes hers.

But who can keep his Miſtreſs from gadding, though he pay her never ſo well? Where's your Empire and Dominion there Sir? ſhe ſcorns the domineering Cully; values not his ſowre looks, nor comes to ask leave. But has her Chariots at her wink to trundle her about the Town among her Jacks and her Jills, while ſhe frolicks away the ſpoils of his unruly heat. Fatal ſcaperloytring ſometimes, that frequently brings the laſcivious Prodigal more than Circumcis'd from the Surgeon, and ſends him Noſeleſs to the grave.

THE Fourth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

BUt now, Matrimony, have at thee with a ſwinging blow. Thou art the Product of Children, and the worſt of Children, Daughters that live and grow up, and expect Portions, and the Devil a croſs there's for 'em. However, beſides the Charge of the Boarding-School, there muſt be fine Cloaths to quicken the Market; and the Mother would fain be a Grandmother, but cannot. And this, they pretend, breeds ill blood, wrangling, and ſnarling, and quarrelling, and twits and taunts, and I know not what diſorder in a Family. But they muſt certainly be a very weak ſort of women, that make theſe diſturbances, and conſequently very few: nor ought they indeed to be diſturbances to any man of reaſon. For the comfort of Matrimony is ſo great in the having of Children, that it ſurmounts all other Conſiderations. And he that has the greateſt ſtock, may be ſaid to have a vaſt Eſtate of his own Fleſh and Blood. But the real diſcomforts of Marriage then clamour loudeſt, and give the bittereſt twinges to the heart, when the man is reproached for his Impotency, or the woman tax'd for imperfection; which puts the woman into ſuch a paſſion, that ſhe never reſts till ſhe has found where the fault lyes. And I hope that woman cannot blame her Husband for not providing for that which is none of his own. Therefore you ſee the Form of the Engliſh Matrimony ſtarts a notable Queſtion about the Impediment; to ſhew that the end of Marriage is the Generation of Children, not of Cloaths nor Portions. Yet thoſe are Circumſtances not to be altogether forgotten neither. However, the great Lady that call'd all her Gallants to her bed-ſide when ſhe lay a dying, and aſſign'd to every one his ſhare, is a convincing Argument that a man may toil and moil, and cark and care, and when he has done, beſtow the ſweat of his brows in the wrong Chriſtmas-box. Let a man be ſure not to fail a woman in the main poynt of the Impediment, and he may be ſure he has ſome, though not all, nay it may be his ſhare in all; let'um ſhare all alike higgledy piggledy, give 'um good breeding and good Education. She that carries that to her Husband, carries a Portion as good as a Thouſand pounds. Her skill in raiſing a Turky or a Gooſe-Pye, is clearly to be valu'd at the rate of two hundred pound; her knowledge in marketting is worth two hundred pounds more, and her skill in preſerving at the other hundred pound; there's as good as five hundred pound of the Kings beſt Coyn in England. Portions ruine more than they make: He that marries a wife for the Portions ſake, buys a Concubine, does not marry a wife. Do but let us have good Proteſtant Nunneries to lay up the lame and the deformed, and then divide the Money to the Sons, and you ſhall quickly ſee the young brisk Lads pick and cull out the reſt, as we do Cherries, till there be none left. If it be the diſcomfort of Matrimony, that a man is not able to give his Daughter a Poſtion, 'tis a greater diſcomfort to him to ſee his Daughter return'd upon his hands, like a Bromigeham-groat, after the conſumption of his Benevolence; which if he had never had to part withal, the had never been under that diſcomfort. Neither is it ſafe always to divulge what a man intends to give his Daughter; for if that be once given out, then comes one ſmooth-chinn'd ſlipſtring or other, and makes a Pye-comes enſurance of his affection upon her belly.

There are ſome young Damſels that take too much notice of Men, when they turn to the wall, and that very careleſly too, to make water; which puts 'um into ſuch an uncontroulable paſſion, that for haſte they fall in league with the Groom or the Butler, and run away with 'um.

There are ſome men that will fit at a Tavern and take off glaſs for glaſs with their pin feather'd Sons, and never rebuke 'um, when they hear 'um cry—God—d— me, Sir, you don't drink fair, be G— Sir, I drank laſt. Some there are that make if their ſport, and look on without offence, to ſee the young Squire kiſs and tumble the Vintners Cook-maid before their faces.

Now theſe are all hopeful, as they call 'um, ſuch as may be eaſily thought can ſhift for themſelves without Portions; ſuch as can ſwim in the world without the bladders of Dowries and Annuities.

And therefore never let men or women trouble their brains about Portions; for if their Sons and their Daughters are truly ſenſible of their inability, they can 〈◊〉 nother way to the wood of themſelves. Women are not aware that fine Cloaths, and the aſſurance of Portion, ſpoil the Daughters Sunday-Devotion at Church. And then for the Week-day Morning-prayers, a lac'd Night-fail and a long ſcarſ ſets 'um equal with the beſt. And what occaſion have they of gadding any farther abroad?

Therefore 'tis no diſcomfort of Matrimony to be wife-dunn'd for Childrens Portions; for the recreation and pleaſure is as great to ſee the Ingenuity of his Children in ſhifting for themſelves, as to ſtand upon the ſoyl, and ſee a Hare dance and double before the Hounds.

If all this will not ſtop the Womans mouth, the man may tell her, That the Lacedemonians made a Law that no man ſhould give any Portion with his Daughter. It may be ſhe'll ſay, ſhe does not care a f— for the Lacedemonians; Then you may tell her what a good Lady Venus was, who permitted the Cyprian Damſels to ſuffer all ſtrangers to make uſe of their bodies till they had got enough to marry 'um honeſtly; and ask her how ſhe likes this Project for her Daughters? For if a woman will have a Portion for her Daughter where it cannot be had, ſhe muſt ferch it out of the fire. When the young bird's flown, the old one never takes farther care of her. You never knew an old Rook give a Portion to the young one; onely you may find they gave 'um good learning and Education, and ſo leave 'um. Obſerve but the Temple-Garden. Therefore, O moſt indulgent Mothers, ceaſe your Clacks, and let not Matrimony be reproached for your ſakes, with a diſcomfort, which well conſidered brings both belight and advantage to your Husbands.

THE Fifth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

COme, come, — we'll ſoon determine this Controverſie; Here's an old old man has married a young young woman; and becauſe he cannot give her the leaſt content, ſhe ſeeks for aid and aſſiſtance elſewhere. As I told you before, 'tis a notable queſtion, that in the Form of Marriage, about the Impediment. The Husband is called to anſwer for himſelf, and the ſtanders by are bid and charg'd to ſpeak their minds; yet not one will open his mouth, when they know the old Dottrel to have no more pith in his back than an Elder-gun. And thus the young Gentlewoman, all fire and high-mettel'd, is deluded and fruſtrated of all her Expectations. And this is a wrong not to be repair'd by all the Darling-Gold in his Coffers. Her Parents might have as well have married her to an Eunuch, or the Statue of Priapus.

'Twas a moſt inſufferable injury done to one of the moſt flouriſhing Beauties in one of the adjoyning Counties, for a Gentleman to marry her when he was not onely impotent, but defective. I tell ye this, to ſhew ye the Convenience of Lyeurgus's Law about Deputy-Kinſmen. However, ſuch was the modeſty of the Lady, that ſhe never diſcover'd her misfortune, and ſo dy'd a married Virgin. He might have gone over ten Counties, and not have met with ſuch a Phoenix.

Say you, the remedy is worſe than the diſeaſe, 'tis contrary to Law— I will not argue the point of Law— but I ſay, here are pregnant excuſes that mollifie and extenuate the fact. Here is a diſappointment of Nature it ſelf, here is the loſs of offpring, and the higheſt violation imaginable of the Nuptial bed. Now give me leave to tell ye a ſtory; for I think I have one in my budget fit for the purpoſe.

There was a very fine Lady that liv'd in a great City of Italy, who had the misfortune to be taken a bed in the arms of her Lover. Her Husband like an old fool grew horn-mad preſently, and would needs take the ſeverity of the Law againſt her, which was no leſs than Death. There wanted no proof you may be ſure on the Husbands part; however, the Lady came very clearly off, by her own diſcretion. For ſaid ſhe to the Judge, Pray ask my Husband, whether ever I deny'd him the ſatisfaction of my body whenever he requir'd it? The Husband confeſs'd what ſhe ſaid to be very true. Well then, my Lord, replied the Lady, what ſhould I have done with the over-plus that remain'd in my own power? ſhould I have caſt it away, like the Elders Maid? Was it not better for me to pleaſure a worthy Gentleman that was ready to dye for love of me, than a ſurfeited Husband, that had ten times more than he knew what to do withal? Where lies now the diſcomfort of an old mans marrying a young Lady all fire and tow? He lies at ack and Manger, and has his full ſwinge of all the pleaſure and comfort that he is in any poſſibility capable of. 'Tis the poor Lady that ſuffers a continual famine, that lies yawning and ſtretching for more; but all in vain: the ſprings of life and vigour are all dried up. Limberneſs and Frigitidy are the onely fuel that feed her youthful flames. Her amorous fires kindled by the Embers of his drooping years, grow violent, and prey upon her luſty blood. And is it not time to call out for help, when hardly the ſpout in a Whales neck will ſerve to ſend forth ſtrems ſufficient to quench her inward fires?

Nor can ye blame her for the refuſal of his conjugal Kindneſs at ſome times. For as he is her Husband, ſhe is not bound to kill him with over-doing. She has more good Nature. Or if by flattery and dalliance ſhe milk the udders of his Golden Heifers, 'tis but reaſon he ſhould pay for his pleaſure, who can afford her no other Retaliation.

If ſhe ſeek her relief with prudence and ſecreſie, 'tis but common diſcretion; and ſhe may be allow'd to take fees a both hands, when no body can determine the cauſe but her ſelf.

He that cannot keep Shop by himſelf, may be glad of a Copartner to joyn with him. And it may be a Queſtion, whether ſhe that neglects the aid of neceſſary reſtoratives in this caſe, may not be ſaid to be a felo de ſe, and to be the occaſion of her own death, by confining her ſelf to the ſteams of a Church-yard all night, and all day converſing with a walking Charnel-Houſe. Theſe are not only diſcomforts, but terrours and affrights: and you may commend her valour too, as well as her patience, to lye with an apparition.

But what may we think of thoſe decrepit half-pint Lechers, who being as ſapleſs as a dry'd Fennel-ſtalk, yet you may dog them ſhuffling along with their crickling hams, till they pop into one of their old haunts of iniquity. Where they dall for Vice to correct Sin, for forgetting their former Leſſons of Laſciviouſneſs. While the ſturdy Queen belabours their buttocks, till their impotent wimbles peep out of their bellies to beg a reprieve for their Tayls.

There are ſome, that when their other Tackle fails 'em, love to fornicate with their eyes. And ſuch a one was he, that when he could hardly draw his legs after him, but with the help of two Church-pillars inſtead of C •• che , yet could not forbear to make his evening viſits to a commen Bowdier houſe i'the Town, where his whole relight was, over two black pots of Ale, to behold the naked Harches of a ſtrapping black-brow'd Quean; which ſhe all daub'd with ſut as ſhe ſtood oppoſite to him, bolt upright in the Chimney, like the Idol Mol ck, all bedript with the fat of his Infant-Offerings.

I could tell ye of another grave Father in ſin, whoſe invention was much more odd and fantaſtical and much more chargeable. For he had always a leaſh, or a leaſh and a half of young Queans in his pay, whom he always treated in a great room, with a roaſting fire, and a Table furniſh'd with all the Delicates of the Poulterers ſhops. Where when they came to ſupper, they were to enter and ſit down as naked as they were born, and fall to merrily, while he as naked as they, crept under the Table, and there lay erring and ſnarling like a Dog, and ſnapping ſometimes at their ſhins, and ſometimes at their feet, ſometimes at their thighs, and cranching the bones which they threw him down from their Trenchers.

Now if it be ſuch a diſcomfort of Matrimony for an impotent Curmudgeon that has Marry'd a vigorous Damſel to her infinite injurie, to admit of a friendly Coadjutor, here are pleaſant remedies and inventions found out for him, which he may make uſe of for the eaſe and ſolace of her diſcontent; but never let him be diſquieted at what his young brisk and diſſatisfy'd wife does; when he is the only occaſion of all ſhe does himſelf.

Rather, if an old Hunks without life or vigour, have ſuch an inclination to leachery, let him in imitation of the former examples, pleaſe thoſe ſenſes which are leaſt defective, and not go about to make a young and better-deſerving Gentlewomans life miſerable and loathſome to her, where ſhe expects her greateſt felicity and enjoyment.

THE Sixth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

WHat's the matter now? why now we're all to pieces again. Here's a wife with a wannion,—ſhe'l dine when ſhe pleaſes, ſhe'l ſup when ſhe pleaſes; nay, ſhe'l neither dine nor ſup when ſhe pleaſes: ſhe'l command the ſervants, be Miſtreſs of Miſ-rule; ſhe queſtions all comers and goers, breaks open her Husbands Letters,—Hoyda,—and what of all this? why 'tis the greateſt diſcomfort as can be, to have ſuch a woman as this. Now is not this Husband a Ninnie to complain of ſuch a wife? 'tis pitty exchange is not permitted by the Law. Why there are men that would give him their own wives, and a thouſand pound to boot, for ſuch a woman as this. By my Fakins he's ſhrewdly hurt, to have a wife that frees him from all his Family-cares. Who ſhould queſtion peoples buſineſs, but ſhe who is able to give 'em an anſwer? who ſhould command his ſervants, but ſhe who has authority ſo to do? But ſhe won't eat her dinner,—why then let her let it alone. You may be ſure ſhe'l never ſtarve her ſelf; and having ſuch a command i'the Houſe, ſhe knows the way to the outboard herſelf. But not with him. Then let him eat by himſelf: it ſhews great and Majeſtical, ſo that his ſervants be but about him. But ſhe breaks open his Letters. What? are they Billet doux's, or aſſignations? if they be, he's a fool to let them come home to his Houſe. For 'tis the nature of women to be peeping; and the Poet ſays, Though you thruſt nature back with a Pitch-fork, ſhe will return.

But that which grieves him moſt, is, that ſhe is ſo ſtingie and waſpiſh, notwithſtanding all his courtſhip and kindneſs. Alas! that does but feed the humour. 'Tis like drinking Claret to cure ſore Eyes. Womens humours are like the Gout. You may uſe a thouſand remedies, and all to no purpoſe, till the pain and ſwelling wear off of themſelves. Beſides, you may be certain, whatever humour poſſeſſes a woman, that humour pleaſes her. Therefore let her enjoy it; 'tis not the part of a kind Husband to court her out of it.

However, this is a moſt horrible diſcomfort, not to be deny'd; when a man ſends home to his wife before-hand, and deſires him to make proviſion, becauſe he has ſome very good friends to come and ſup with him. And what then? why then ſhall ſhe like an undutiful ſut as ſhe is, neglect all his commands, and not only makes no proviſion, but ſends all the ſervants out of the way on purpoſe, to the utter diſappointment of him and his friends. Why look ye, if a man wants Government, he muſt blame his own folly, not his wife. 'Tis the opinion in ſuch a caſe of ſome great Doctors, that a man may take his wife to task, as the world has a genteel ſoft word for it, to prevent the like miſcarriage another time. Daily experience tells us, that when men find their bodies over charged with ill humours, they are forc'd to exerciſe a ſort of kind cruelty upon their own fleſh, and to cut holes in their Armes, Thighs, Legs, and Temples, to let out thoſe ill humours, with the waſt of their life-blood. The ſame reaſon then that prevails with a man not to ſpare cruelty to himſelf, may excuſe him if with more moderation, he onely take his wife to task.

Two Gentlemen travelling upon the road, came at length to a place where they found a Carrier belabouring the ſides of a damn'd reſtie Mare, that would neither go backward nor forward, as if he had been ſheathing a Ship with ſheet-lead. The Gentleman pitying the poor beaſt, defired the Carrier to be leſs paſſionate. The Carrier bid them meddle with their own buſineſs, for he knew his Mares diſpoſition better than they. The ſame night one of the Gentlemen invited his friend home with him, and deſired his wife to provide him a handſome Treatment, and told her what he would have; but when Supper came to be ſerv'd up, there was not only nothing of what he expected, but every thing ill dreſt and out of order. Thereupon, the Gentleman after Supper, in the preſence of his friend, took his wife to task, and was ſo ſevere, that his friend rebuk'd him, as they had both rebuk'd the Carrier. But the Gentleman returning the Carriers anſwer, went on, taking his wife to task, till he brought her both to ſubmiſſion, and promiſe of amendment. You'l ſay this was Carrier-like. Oh, Sir, you are miſtaken, there's a delight in Correction; that tickles ſome men extreamly. Elſe the Presbyterian Parſon would never have taken ſo much pleaſure as he did, in whipping his Maid. Pedagogues delight in laſhing, and are glad when a Boy commits a fault, that they may be at their be loved ſport. And were it the faſhion for Schoolmaſters to teach Female Scholars, you ſhould find more whipping than there is.

Well, but on the other ſide, perhaps the woman may be in no fault neither. For how does ſhe know but that they may be a company of Town-cheats, that have a deſign to dip themſelves in her Husbands ſhop-book; or elſe ſuch a ſort of wanton Canary-birds, that have wheadled her Husband to give them a treatment at his houſe, to get an opportunity to make an Intreague with his wife? and therefore ſhe does diſcreetly to keep out of their way, and lock her ſelf up in her Chamber. That woman is highly to be commended many times, that retires her ſelf, to avoid the opportunities of temptation. You may be ſure there's ſomething i'the wind when your flippeting Gallants are ſo deſirous to go home with a man. For otherwiſe, could not he as well have given 'em a Treat A-la-mode at the Tavern, as trouble his wife with a Supper? And another thing is, men cannot be ſo merry in womens company; 'tis not ſo proper to ſwear and tell baudy ſtories in the preſence of the Miſtreſs of the Houſe, as when they're among themſelves. Now where's the diſcomfort of Matrimony, becauſe a woman will not expoſe her ſelf to the inconveniency of theſe perilous times?

But for a poor-ſpirited Ouf to be cowbaby'd by his Punk; to let her cog and flatter out of him not only his own, but the ſecrets of his wife; to let her be familiar with his Pockets, read his Notes and Letters, and underſtand the depth of his concerns; to ſit in her Chamber curſing, banning, plaguing and poxing his wife, to make Muſick in her Ears; to let her break his pate, and burn his Perriwig; nay, and which is worſe, to maintain a Strumpet under his wives noſe, in her own houſe, and turn her out of her own bed, to make room for his imperious Harlot; to let her be the Domina fac totum, and Miſtreſs of miſ-rule over Wife, Servants, and himſelf, and all: Theſe are the precious comforts of Whoring, beloved, that may be born with, when the ſullen look of a wife muſt be reckon'd among the Fifteen Diſcomforts of Matrimony.

Moſt certainly ſuch a woman lives under all the diſcomforts imaginable, to ſee a ranting Concubine uſurping her authority, and ruling the roſt within her own Territories. No man can ſuffer any ſuch inconveniences from the pouting and ſcowling of a wife. Neither are men ſo free from peeviſh and moroſe themſelves, that they ſhould think a little doggedneſs in their wives ſuch a terrible calamity. Phyſicians give thoſe Medicines which are proper for the diſtemper. And many times a woman finds her Husband very coſtive in the Purſe. Now if a Husband be ſuch a Coxe, to let his wife underſtand his infirmity, and that a dram or two of powting will put him into a kind-hearted looſeneſs, you may be ſure ſhe'l never forgo her Probatum eſt. I had rather a woman ſhould frown and hang the lip, then collogue and flatter; for under that graſs lurks the moſt dangerous Serpent.

A woman that only ſcowles and lowts, has but one ſtring to her bow; and a little train of reſolution defeats her: but the cunning tongue-pad Slut, like a Mole of a Gypſie, undermines the very heart of a man, and blows up all his conſtancy. Sullenneſs is only a tryal of skill, and may miſs as well as hit. But flattery is meer Witchcraft, and unreſiſtable. Sullenneſs puts a man to ask the reaſon, and many times he finds it: But flattery admits of no conſideration. Good Government prevents ſullenneſs; but flattery is a charm againſt diſcretion.

THE Seventh Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

ANd is it poſſible that a woman ſhould live ſo long honeſt with her Husband, and turn drab at laſt? However here's but a piece of a diſcomfort; the Scene changed; exit Wife, enter Devil. And the cauſe of this is, becauſe ſhe has taken a ſurfeit of Husband. In this caſe— give me leave to ſcratch firſt— I think we are not to judge over-haſtily of this affair. All her Spring and Summer ſhe liv'd like a Diana; but toward her Autumn the leaves of her affection turn'd Fueillemot. Truly in this the woman does no more than what whole Nations do, I mean the Tartars and Seythians, who when they have graz d up one Country, ſeek freſh Paſtures in another. She finds the heart of her Husbands vigour worn out, as Farmers do their grounds, and therefore lets him lie fallow a while, to try if he can recover his ſtrength. You ſay, 'tis a ſurfeit— Very good. Then take this for a rule, if a man have eaten Lampreys liberally for nine years together, and ſurfeit in the tenth, his Phyſician will not admit him to feed upon that dyer any more. Surfeits are dangerous; and the ſurfeit of a long thing with one eye, may be as deadly, as the ſurfeit of a long thing with nine eyes. Change your Cock, was a piece of advice once given to a Lady, by a perſon of eminent gravity and preferment. That was upon a complaint of ineffectual conjunction: However, good advice is not confin'd to one ſingle Occaſion.

Having deeply ponder'd all theſe conſiderations, the woman lays out for another convenient Mate, and by good luck meets with one; opens her grief, and finds Compaſſion. By the way, here is a woman griev'd; and perſons agriev'd are always the Objects that Compaſſion is in ſearch for. As you man find by all the ſtories of the Seven Champions, Don Bellianis of Greece, the Knight of the Burning Peſtle, and a hundred more. Now this perſon had been no true Knight, had he ſtifled ſo noble a Vertue, ſince it was in him, as his Compaſſion. So great a happineſs it is when Grief and Compaſſion meet together, and ſo glad is Compaſſion of doing its Office. Both which centring in aliquo Tertio, ſtrangely redound to the good Fortune of the forſaken Husband, that his frigidity ſhould prove the occaſion of the ſo lucky meeting of Grief and Compaſſion. All which conſider'd, the woman could be in no fault; for ſhe was cerainly aggriev'd: and grief naturally ſeeks redreſs. Nor could the Gentleman be in a fault, by reaſon of his charity and generoſity in relieving the diſtreſſed. But you'll ſay, Vertue ſeeks no corner, and Truth is always naked. Neither do I believe but the truth of this buſineſs was as naked as you could wiſh or deſire. Why then did the woman not reveal her diſtreſs and relief to her Husband? but endeavour to blind him with her flim-flam-ſtories, and make him believe ſhe was as honeſt as ever ſhe was in her life? Hold a blow there, I did not tell ye the Gentleman was forc'd to do what he did: and you know, Charity's a Vertue that always loves to keep her ſelf private. Perhaps her Husband, had he known it, would have bid the Devil take the Gentlemans Compaſſion, and ſo ſhe might have been the occaſion of her Husbands curſing ſo great a Virtue: No— 'twas better as 'twas. For her grief had been unreliev'd, and the Gentlemans Compaſſion had been prevented.

But where's this mans Diſcomfort all this while? Why upon his Wife's turning Whore, his Eſtate got a Gonnorrhea, and pin'd and conſum'd away to nothing. Or if you will have it another way, his Wife put his Eſtate upon the ſpit of Prodigality, and let it lie roaſting ſo long at the fire of her Luſt, that it dript quite away.

What then? This is no diſparagement to Matrimony. For while the woman lives within the confines of Matrimony, and the man retain'd his Ability, all things went well. For I muſt tell ye, Ability is as it were High Conſtable of the Hundred of Wedlock, and keeps the peace in Matrimony. Now as the Conſtable is nothing without his Staff, ſo is Ability nothing without a good ſtrong Truncheon. So that Matrimony is no way to be blam'd, but the Diſſolution of Matrimony by the womans ſeeking after ſtrange Gods, and adoring other Priapus's beſides her own. Though, in ſtrictneſs of reaſon, it may be a queſtion whether the woman diſannul'd the Marriage or no, and whether the end of Wedlock ceaſing, the Marriage is not vacat of it ſelf. Which if it be true, then was the woman upon the ceaſing of the former Marriage as free for one as another.

But ſuch is the ſad age we live in, that women muſt be the ſcape-goats to bear all the ſins and miſcarriages of their Husbands.

Yet I have heard of a hoary Fornicator, that had gain'd the reputation of a moſt faithful Husband, one that had clamber'd to the top of the pinnacle of Pariſh-preferment, a Common-Council-mans fellow; one that never cheated but in the integrity of his heart; one with a Saint-like look, peeked bearded, Sattin cap'd, little banded; and when he drove a bargain, one that look't up to Heaven with his hands upon breaſt in ſuch a manner, that you might have ſeen his Conſcience in his eyes. Yet this good pious old man, upon an accidental ſtep of his wife into the Country, ſuffer'd his Maid to ſteal into his wive's place; and ſo, as if he had found her there by chance, got her with child. 'Tis true, the good man (for generally ſuch Saints as theſe have luck) had an ingenuous and dutiful Prentice that hope him out at a dead lift, or elſe who knows what a Family-havock it might have produc'd? I leave you to imagine the afflictions, terrours, and Agonies that tormented this Senior of the Veſtry, when he found the ſtate of his condition, in the midſt of which he had no friend to truſt but his good Prentice; in whom he had the more hopes, becauſe he knew he made no great profeſſion of Godlineſs, becauſe he lay out of his houſe anights, and plaid many other pranks with which Satan inſpires Youth. To him therefore he unfolds his miſery; who moſt dutifully undertakes to father the child. And now the Curmudgeons ſtable and purſe are at his command. On the other ſide, the young lad provides for the lying in, appears at the Chriſtning, and brings in Taylors bills, which are not to be queſtion'd. Now he may go out, lie out, ramble where he pleaſes; for ſtill the Prentice was looking after the child, which though it liv'd not long, yet too long for the old niggards profit, two years really alive, and another half year ſtill alive after 'twas dead, by the good management of Father Junior. How many new Gowns would this expence have bought the poor ignorant wife at home? what a paſſion would it have put her into, had ſhe known it? But it hapn'd well for Father Princock, whoſe Maſter, rigid and ſevere before, was now become his perfect ſlave.

There was a certain Exchange-man, who had liv'd well with his wife for ſeveral years— You might as well have remov'd Penmen-Maur into Middleſex as have got him out for a quarter of an hour to drink his Mornings-draught. He canted to his Cuſtomers in Mood and Figure: Nothing more grave, nothing more ſolid, and every one prognoſticated him a Fur-Gown and a Gold-Chain. And yet after many years thus ſpent in reputation, the Extinguiſher of Misfortune eclipſed this flaming Chriſtmas-Candle all upon a ſuddain. People ſtar'd, wonder'd, talk'd and reaſon'd the caſe; but at length all came out: Secret whoring, private gaming, threeſcore broad pieces loſt of a night, and a thouſand flams and ſhams, and tales of roaſted horſes to his wife, not one of the Comforts of Matrimony, had been the occaſion of all this.

Now where were the wives in fault, in either of theſe two caſes? And truly I am apt to believe, were there a true Catalogue of the exceſſes of this Nature of both Sexes, you would find the Poll much more numerous on the mens ſide. And to tax the women with expence, is folly. For he's a meer doting infatuated Nicodemus, that when he finds his wife galloping away with his Eſtate, does not hold her in, having the reins in his own hands.

THE Eighth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

I'll hold a good wager, 'tis no ſuch diſcomfort of Marriage for a mans wife to deſire the freſh air. 'Tis an ill ſign on the mans ſide, when a woman is compelled to ſtrain her invention to obtain of her Husband an innocent Recreation. Suppoſe he be at the charges of a Palfrey and a Side-ſaddle, 'tis no ſuch Break-back-expence to endanger the ſighing up his lungs by the roots. He that travels with his wife to ſhew her the Country, has the ſame pleaſure himſelf, to ſee the variety of Seats and Towns, and cannot have a better Companion than his wife when he comes to his Journeys end. 'Tis a ſign the woman has a nobler ſoul than to intermix with a Tag-rag and long-tail, when Eaſter and Whitſontide let looſe the toyling Rabble to devour all the rotten Currants and meaſly Swines-fleſh about the Town in dry cakes, and ſlices of glorry Bacon ſtuft with Gooſe-turds inſtead of ſweet Herbs. Or to be wedg'd in with the Weſtward ho Trumpery, till ſhe arrive at durty, duſty Brainford for a Tanſey of green Wheat and addle Eggs, and a game at paltry Nine-pius for digeſtion, and then home again, with a bundle of dead Tulips and Southern-wood to garniſh her Cobweb'd windows. Pretious Comforts of Matrimony indeed! 'Tis natural to women to love a full enjoyment, not the ſips and taſt of pleaſure. Give me a woman that knows what ſatisfaction is. 'Tis a ſign of Genius and ſprightlineſs, the ſweets of Converſation. Can any man be ſuch a Dunce as to grutch his wife a Country-houſe? 'tis for his own intereſt; 'tis as good as going to ſee his Ʋncle, to leave his wife on Mondaymornings, and return freſh again a Saturday-nights; and thoſe ſhort abſences create new longings and new affections, and prevent the inconveniencies of ſurfeiting. 'Tis good for their Children too; They draw a ſteady ſanity from the innocent and ſerene air of the Country, while the corrupted ſmoak of the City, and the Exhalations of Brew-houſe-Funnels do but beſoot their ungs for the Chimney-ſweepers broom. There a woman learns induſtry from the Bee, innocence from the Lamb, honeſty from the Cow, that pays ſo well for her Meat, Drink, and Lodging; the Vine inſtructs her true affection, and every flower teaches her every day new Leſſons of chaſtity and contempt of vanity, when ſhe beholds how ſoon a raviſhing hand deſpoils them of their glory, and how fading all their pomp and beauty is; when they that continually harbour in the City, have nothing before their eyes, but the daily documents of vice and vanity.

Theſe enjoyments certainly may well be allow'd a wife, when men themſelves take a far larger liberty to revel with their Miſſes and Concubines at Epſom and Tunbridge, or North-hall wells, where Fools and their Money are ſoon parted. It may be the man has a mind to prey farther off; and then the Scene is laid thus. At firſt great ſigns of an afflicted ſpirit, many Symptomes of inward vexation, the knife paſſionately ſlapt down upon the table at dinner, rubs his forehead, and well—quoth he. What's the matter, my dear, cries the good woman, ſimply and harmleſly, Heav'n knows. A man would forſwear truſting quoth he.—There's no driving a Trad Husband without it, quoth ſhe.—It make me mad to look in my Debt-book, quot he.—There's a hundred and fifty pound lyes deſperrte in Hampſhire, two hundred pound has been owing me this three year in Devonſhire; but for the hundred pound in Wiltſhire, the Gentleman promis'd me ſo faithfully laſt Term, that I thought he would never have fail'd me.—Well, I ſe I muſt take a long journey this Vacation, but what 'twill ſignifie, Heaven knows.— Pox a this throwing good money after bad —by Jove I hate it mortally. However, quoth ſhe, buſineſs is not to be neglected, we muſt not looſe a Hog for a hapoth o Tar; what muſt be, muſt be; I'le take the beſt care I can in your abſence.—Ay, quoth he, and then kiſſes her, that's all the comfort I have.

Then cloſe in his Counting-houſe for ſome days, till he has fil'd his Letter-caſe with Bills and Summa totalis's, that you would ſweat a whole Troop of Horſe little enough to guard him home again.

And now all his accoutrements being ready, up he gets betimes i'the morning puts on his Boots and Spurs; out comes the bread and butter and cold victuals, and is wife beholds him looking like Jaſon ing to fetch the Golden Fleece— Well o he, chawing one piece and cutting a other, if I get but half this money, and ood ſecurity for the reſt, I'll gi'thee the eſt Gowns, wife, that e'er thou woar'ſt in hy life. Well, Husband, I wiſh you good ucceſs, with all my heart, quoth ſhe. Stay quoth he, what money had I beſt put 〈◊〉 my Pocket— faith I'll not take above five pound—the Devil's in't if ſome or other don't help me to a recruit before that's ſpent. But this is onely a ſham; for his returns are laid as they lay Poſt-horſes, and are order'd their ſeveral ſtages already. The money brought and fob'd, he wipes his mouth, buſſes his wife, whirles down ſtairs, whisks up a horſe-back, then another kiſs i'the ſaddle, and ſo God bleſs thee, my dear.

Some time before he gets to Brainford, Mrs. Winifred, being got thither by Infallible appointment before, ſtays for him at the Red-Lyon, and ſeeing him come trotting along, knocks for the Drawer. Tell the Gentleman that rid in, quo ſhe, his Company's here. By and by, uſher'd by the Drawer, up he comes— Lord, my dear, cries Mrs. Winifred, you have put me int ſuch a fright! what made ye ſtay ſo lon behind? Gad, my dear, I could not help it for my life, I met with a Gentleman a Hammerſmith Towns-end, who would no be deni'd, but that I muſt drink a Bottle of Claret with him a Horſe-back. I tok him my wife was before— 'twas all one, and I believ'd thou wouldſt ſtay here— which made me the leſs mind it. And thus in the preſence of the Drawer the Match is made up in the twinkling of an eye. They are now man and Wife in the licking of a cat's ear: Onely to confirm it, there muſt be a little bate, and the Miſtreſs of the houſe call'd up to hear how pleaſantly the My dears and the Sweet-hearts paſs between the new-married couple, while the crafty ſlut in the midſt of her cups cries out, Pray God my poor little Billy d but continue well till we return; I am fraid my heart will ake many a dear ake for him ere I get home— Grace a God, Madam, cries the Hoſteſs, all will be well— Ay, ay—Miſtreſs, there's no fear on't, cries the new Bridegroom, he's with as careful a Nurſe as any i'the Town— So remounting, away they croſs the Road, and if poſſible get to Guilford that night, for the conveniency of the Inn. Whither from thence the Lord of Oxford knows— but a ramble they take, you may be ſure, till money growing ſhort, and having plaid over the play of a wife for a month with all the mirth and jocundry imaginable, home comes my Gentleman again, with his Purſe as empty as his two-penny Purſe.

Now you are to underſtand, that this ſame hot-codpiec'd Monſieur had as much reaſon to go a dunning for this money, as he had to throw himſelf headlong from the top of Dover-Peer; for what money he had owing, was already ſecur'd by Bonds lock't up in his Till. Onely the Comforts of Whoring are ſuch delicious temptations, ſo enſnaring, ſo alluring, that fleſh and blood cannot forbear 'um. But travelling with a man's Wife is the ſame thing ſtill, a Tartarian way of cumbring the road with Family-luggage, and makes every ſtrange Inn look like his own Houſe. He cannot kiſs his Hoſteſs, nor ſmuggle his Bed-maker, becauſe his wife's with him. And yet I may be bold to ſay, he might have had as ſmirking a Dary-maid as Mrs. Winifred, neer his wife's denyed Countryhouſe, at a far cheaper rate, take the half years Summer-expences and all in, than his Autumnal Chriſtmas Gamboling coſt him.

And thus you ſee what a ſtrange diſcomfort of Matrimony 'tis for a woman to hone for a Country-houſe. But Lady's, if your Husba •••• deny ye next year, lay theſe things 〈◊〉 diſhes.

THE Ninth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

HOw! Haughty and proud, and domineering? Yes, ſhe would have been at it, but the man kept her at a bay—He took her down in her wedding-ſhooes. And ſo finding ſhe could do no good upon him, they did as they did in the firſt world, liv'd quietly and contentedly together, for many years, and begat Sons and Daughters. Theſe Children grew up too, and the boys are ſent to the Grammar-School, and the Daughters profit to admiration i'their yellow Samplers. But when the Gout, or Stone, or both, come to confine him to his Prayer-book, Hall's Meditations, Montagues Eſſays, and the great Groaning-chair in his Bed-chamber, then ſhe pays off his old ſcores; no fire, no candle, no plum-watergruel, no Miſtreſs, no Maid to hold him the Chamber-pot; or if the wife do now and then give him a viſit, 'tis to taunt reproach, to plague and torment hi 〈…〉 than his diſeaſes. The Son take 〈…〉 and the mother upholds him; his Daughters are not ſuffer'd to come at him; with a hundred ſuch-like vexations, and all by the Mothers contrivance. This you'll ſay is a very hard caſe; but I ſay, no, but rather one of the greateſt Comforts that could befall him, in ſuch a Condition. For the man being now neer the end of his mortal journey, there is no better way to make him weary of his life, and out of love with the world, than by ſuch means as theſe. Croſſes and afflictions carry a man to Heaven oftimes, when proſperity makes him neglect the care of his Souls health. Which the woman having heard at Church, takes that provident care to put him upon thoſe Contemplations which are moſt proper for his condition. She gives him the opportunity to conſider that he has liv'd long enough in this world, when his wife and children grow weary of him. And therefore what ſhould I be troubled, quo he, to leave theſe Trival Comforts, that am going to enjoy greater Felicities? Thereupon the man falls to reading; if he want a candle, to his Meditations; fits and prepares himſelf, makes his peace with Heaven, and ſo defying the world, dies like another Cato. Whereas that the woman dutiful, loving, indulgent always lamenting his departure, wringing her hands, grieving, weeping, blubbering, and crying out, What ſhall poor I do, what ſhall theſe poor Orphans do, if God take thee away, my onely joy, their onely comfort in this world? And then they all fall a howling, though there be ten of 'um, like ſo many young puppies ſhut out of doors in a froſty night. Theſe things ſtrike ſo piercingly to his heart, that the Cout and the Stone are but the nips of a Flea to what he feels there; and cauſes ſuch a diſſipation of all his Heavenly thoughts, that the man devours all the Cawdles and Ambergreaſe-Poſſets his kind wife brings him; ſwallows whole ounces at a time of Syrrup of Marſh-Mallows, and Oyl of ſweet Almonds, to prolong his Aches and his Miſery; diſpatches away his Billets to Church for the Prayers of the Congregation, ſends for the Parſon of the Pariſh to comfort him up with the ſtory of Ezeckia, ſends for the Doctor, and asks him— is there no cure?— have all Drugs and Herbs loſt their Virtue?— Then crys the woman, For Heavens ſake, Doctor, do what ye can— I am undone if my poor Husband dies— never had woman a more kind and tender Husband— Or had Children a more careful and indulgent Father, I'm ſure— Then 'tis the man's cue, Ay, wife,— indeed, thou haſt been always to me a dear and loving wife, and my children, I bleſs God for it, have been dutiful obedient children, and I would fain live a little longer to ſee 'um grow up and well diſpoſed in the world, if the Laud ſaw it fit. And thus theſe Dialogues of Lamentation do ſo mollifie the poor man's heart, and ſo bewitch him with a deſire of Life, that at length Death ſurprizes him altogether unrepentant.

On the other ſide, the woman that leaves her Husband alone, though men are never leſs alone, than when alone, gives him all the opportunity that can be to employ his thoughts in Heavenly and ſeaſonable Meditations, allows him time to recollect and repent him of his ſins; and keeping him from Pothecaries ſlops, gives the diſeaſes leiſure to diſpatch their buſineſs without oppoſition. The woman has more kindneſs for her Husband than to ſee him in pain, well knowing what an impertinent and filly thing Pity is: Or to let a ſimple Doctor run away with half a childs Portion for ridiculous Receipts, when the money may ſo well ſpar'd to the good of her Husbands Soul. Is it not better for a man to die quietly, taking time and ſolitary leiſure, than to be peſter'd with continual viſits, and to have his Family ſtand Lowbelling over his gaſping lungs, and diſtracting him with their yelling and howling when he is going to ſleep? Therefore, ſays the truly prudent and kind woman, when a man begins to grow out of date, let him be well bruſh't and laid up.

THE Tenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

TO be ſhort, Mrs Betty has been Moulding of Cockle-bread, and her Mother diſcovers it. However, though the Daughter have got a By-blow in her Belly, the Mother has got a fool in her eye, that ſhall make all whole again quickly. Well, —quoth ſhe, and who can help what will away? —Thereupon, ſhe gives her Daughter inſtructions; ſhe takes 'em: the fool comes on, the fool's fool'd; away they poſt to for better for worſe, and ſo the job's done. But—with a pox to't, here's the diſaſter, ſhe has not been Marry'd above five Months, but coming home at night, her gull'd Husband finds a Leveret in his Chamber, not dreaming that ſome women kindle twice a year.

Now what of all this? ſome men love to open their Oyſters themſelves; others care not for that drudgery. Force your ground, and you ſhall have forward Peaſe by the latter end of April, and treatment-Cherries againſt May-day. Early Fruit's a rarity. And the Law's poſitive of his ſide, the Bantling's no Baſtard. Some men lye fumbling five or ſix years together, and looſe all their labour; he's admired for the fertility of his Codpiece.

The Maids in Scotland will marry a man to chooſe, out of the ſtool of Repentance; for then they find he has been try'd. 'Tis a hundred pound to a Hazle-nut, he was no Maid himſelf when he Marryed her: come, come, my Maſters, the ſawce for the Gooſe, is ſawce for the Gander. 'Tis a fair opportunity to ſend for his own from Nurſe, and ſo let 'em go for Caſtor & Pollux. Was there never ſuch a prank plaid i'the world before? Yes—nor won't be the laſt. Solamen miſeris—He's a fool that counts his Chickens before they be hatcht; but when he ſees 'em pecking their Oatmeal. 'Tis good to be ſure, ſays the proverb, and nothing ſo ſure as the Lowſe in boſome. For my part I think 'tis extreamly well as 'tis; for now having enjoy'd her ſtollen pleaſures before Marriage, ſhe'l the leſs deſire them afterwards. Now ſuppoſe the Child had been cleaverly conveyed out of the Houſe i'the dark, and the wife ſent after, who could have known but that his wife lay in in the Country? and there is no Law, nor no neceſſity that a man ſhould begin the age of his Child from the Birth, but when he ſees convenient.

But here comes the confounded comfort of this Matrimony. For notwithſtanding all theſe grave and ſolid admonitions, this ſame young Hairbrains of a Husband muſt needs be running to Doctors Commons, with his tale of a tub; there's nothing will ſerve him but a Divorce, forſooth; there he proves the Milch Cow, and not his wife. For after all, they tell him, 'tis natural for the hedge-ſparrow to hatch the Cuckows eggs, and there's no Divorce to be had. However, this makes a hubbub in the world, report always ſpreading like the circles that Children make i'the water with their Ducks and Drakes. And thus having expoſed himſelf to the world, through his own folly, he becomes the deriſion of the Neighbourhood, not by the occaſion of Matrimony. Nor is the woman to be blam'd for taking pepper i'the noſe, to ſee a Nickapoop revealing the ſecrets of his wife to his own ignominy, and her own ſhame. For had the thing been kept private, and this one ſingle ſlip paſſed by, which was a matter of fact before he could lay any claim to her, ſhe might have prov'd to him the beſt wife i'the world. And thus men bring their misfortunes upon their own heads, becauſe they can neither manage their buſineſs prudently themſelves, nor let others do it for 'em. Like the Pedler, that would not let his wife be turn'd into a Mule, becauſe he did not like the fetting on of the Tail.

For the Pedlars wife, ſeeing her Husband had but one Mule, and hearing of an Artiſt that could turn a woman into a Mule by day, and change again into a woman at night; quoth ſhe to her Husband, if I could be a Mule by day, and a woman by night, I could aſſiſt your Mule in the daytime, and you in the night-time, and we might grow rich. Thereupon, the man was content ſhe ſhould ſend for the Artiſt. The Practitioner came, and was willing the Pedler ſhould ſee all things done. Firſt, the woman was ordered to put off all her Cloaths, Smock and all; then ſhe was to poſture her ſelf upon all four like the Beggar with his Hand-pattins: after that, the Artiſt ſtroak'd her all over, with a certain Oyntment which was to produce the hair; with another Oyntment he ſleeked up her Ears. All this the Pedler lik'd well enough. But when he came to put on the Tayl, the Pedler would by no means endure that the Tayl ſhould be put on; but cry'd out, he'd have a Mule without a Tayl, and ſo ſpoil'd the whole deſign. Thus if men will be the occaſion of their Misfortunes by their own wilfulneſs, they muſt t ••• k themſelves, and not impute it to the ill effects of Matrimony. For I appeal to all the world, whether Matrimony could be the cauſe of this womans looſing her Maidenhead before ſhe was Marryed? And as for the Man, if it were his fortune to marry ſuch a one, he took her for better for worſe, and ſo without noiſe or hurly-burly he muſt take her as he finds her.

THE Eleventh Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

BUt what think ye of a Shrew? the beſt woman in nature. There's no woman like her, ſhe's a Paragon. She makes a man both Poet and Philoſopher. A Combat between an Amazon with her Ladle and Potlid, and the Knight of the Baſting-ladle, is a Theam for a ſecond Homer. And then ſhe makes a man a Philoſopher, for ſhe exerciſes one of the nobleſt of his Vertues, his Patience. For which reaſon Socrates, accounted one of the wiſeſt Philoſophers of his Age, marry'd a notorious Scold on purpoſe. The greateſt Naturaliſts tell us, that Beaſts are not ſubject to anger, becauſe they are Beaſts. Onely Men and Women are ſubject to anger, as being the moſt excellent of Creatures. If then the more angry the more excellent, Scolds muſt be the more excellent than men, as being more angry. Men could not defend their Prince and Country, nor aſſail their Enemies without anger; nor women defend their peculiar Territories, Rights, and Priviledges, without Scolding. By that means women fetch their Husbands from their Potcompanions at Ale-houſes and Taverns, burn the Cards, knock the Cribbidge-board about their ears, and ring 'em thoſe peals which their ſloth and lazineſs juſtly deſerve. Were it not for ſtorms and tempeſts, the Ocean it ſelf would forget it were a Sea, and condenſe into dry land. Thunder clears the air, and thundring women diſſipate the exceſſes of their Husbands. Scolds are the Imitatrix's of Nature, and ſupply thoſe paſſions of the Middle Region which men want. So that when you call Man a Microcoſm, you muſt take the Scolds in, or elſe the Structure nor the Simile is compleat. Juno, the chiefeſt of all the Goddeſſes, was a prefect ſhrew. For which reaſon they ſacrific'd Hogs upon her Altars; a creature that makes the moſt abominable noiſe in nature. How did ſhe perſecute Jupiter with continual ſcolding, for his hindneſs to the Trojans? ſhe not onely ſcolded her ſelf, but ſet all the Elements too a ſcolding at 'um; the winds roar'd, the skies rattel'd, the Sea bellow'd in ſuch a violent manner, that Virgil's hair ſtood an end.

Tanta ne animis Coeleſtibus ira?

Could the Goddeſſes be ſuch ſhrews ſo cruelly to perſecute ſuch an honeſt godly man as Aenaeas? What! always Sweetheart and Dear? No, Rogue and Raskal ſometimes does well; and a good thwack o'the ſhoulders comes ſeaſonably when a man is ſo drunk, that he can hardly feel it. Virgil ſays, Anger is the Spur of Virtue. Who then more virtuous than Scolds, the moſt angry of Mortals?

A gang of Crack-ropes had got an honeſt ſimple fellow once, and made him believe that for ſo much mony they would carry him to a place, where he ſhould find a ſtone that would make him inviſible: the credulous gooſe agrees and goes with 'um; and to be ſure of the ſtone, picks up all the ſtones that were likeſt to what they had deſcrib'd, till he had laden himſelf ſo, that he was hardly able to move. As ſoon as he had done, his Companions call him, pretending not to ſee him: he makes no anſwer; thereupon they conclude him inviſible; and going before, take ſuch order, that none of his acquaintance ſhould take notice of him in the ſtreet if they met him. But when he came home, his wife gave him ſuch a rally for letting Dinner be ſpoil'd, that he threw down his ſtones, and ran in great heat to call his Companions Knaves and Cheats for abuſing him. And thus you ſee what a deliverance this man had, by his wives ſcolding. There never was but one Devil that came upon Earth to marry; and a Scold hunted him back to his old quarters in the Devils name. Had it not been for a Scold, what a mixt race ſhould we have been peſter'd with, half Devil, half Man, worſe than we are already? Another thing is, there's ſeldom any deceit or ſly cunning in a Scold: They are too open-hearted, they will be heard with a witneſs, and care not who hears 'um. And this makes greatly for the ſupport of Scolding, that the Poets ſo highly commend Proſerpina for a good woman; for if Scolding were a vexation, the Devil would certainly have had a ſcolding wife, ſince we hear of no other torments miſſing in Hell. Where is there more ſcolding than at Billingsgate? and yet where more love and friendſhip? Thoſe very women that you ſaw engag'd tongues and nails but juſt now, you ſhall ſee the next moment bubbing together like ſworn ſiſters.

The Amazons were certainly very great Scolds, of all the women in the world, yet they were the onely remarkable women for great atchievements. There— Gorge thy ſelf with the blood which thou haſt ſo long thirſted for, ſaid that Scold of an Amazon, Tomiris, when ſhe threw Cyrus's head into a great waſh-bowl of blood. What could any Scold have utter'd more bitter and venemous? Hercules did ſeveral wonderful Actions, kill'd Boars and Lyons; but Omphale pull'd down his mettle, and made him glad to ſpin with her maide. Come, Sirrah, quo ſhe, ſpin, or I'll knock the diſtaff about your ſhag-pate— and ſo he was forc'd to wet his thumb and go to work. Now he that will deny Omphale to be a Scold, let him prove the contrary. Nature has provided for every particular Creature a peculiar ſelf-defence; briſtles for the Hedge-hog, tuſhes for the Boar, quills for the Porcupine, and a tongue for Women. Which they who beſt know how to brandiſh, makes the beſt uſe of nature's allow'd defence. I queſtion whether the Fiſh-wife made that uſe of her tongue which ſhe ought to have done, that ſuffer'd the Pothecary to ſlap her bare arſe with her own Flounders. Yet ſo violent was the purſuit of the reſt, that had he not immediately taken Sanctuary, for ought I know he might have loſt a cheek.

But now as to men, I ſay, a ſcolding wife has this peculiar vertue to exerciſe one of the nobleſt of his Vertues, his Patience. Therefore when Socrates brought home his friends to Supper with him, and they were ſomething troubl'd to ſee his wife play the Devil with two ſticks, throw the meat about the Room, and over-turn the Table, bid 'um conſider that tame creatures were not always without their faults, and yet we paſs'd them by, much leſs were we to take notice of the extravagant. And another grave Philoſopher informs us, that we muſt bear with, and endure, not blame what cannot be avoided. So then a ſcolding wife is to be born with, and not blam'd. You ſhall find among the Proverbial Poetry, a hundred Exhortations to ſuffer and patiently endure afflictions, vexations, tribulations, or by whatever other term you pleaſe to give the misfortunes of men; and our own Mothers frequently teach us, That what can't be cur'd muſt be endur'd, that Patience is a Virtue. And the French-men tell ye, He who wants Patience has nothing. What ſignifie all theſe Golden Inſtructions and admonitions of our fore Fathers, or how ſhould we put them in practice; where ſhould a husband have an opportunity to ſhew the height and expoſe the quinteſſence of his Patience, if it were not for womens ſcolding? Take away Scolding, the Cauſe, and ye take away Patience, the Effect, preſently; and ſo ye loſe the Hog-Patience, for the hapoth o'Tar, Scolding. A man is not bound to live in a ſteeple among Bells for the exerciſe of his Ears, when he can hear a noiſe as loud or louder at home. Thus much for Patience.

Now for the Antiquity of Scolding, which is a very great Univerſity-argument. Simonides that liv'd under Darius Hyſtaſpis above 3000 years ago, tells us, that Jupiter made nine ſorts of women, of which one ſort he made out of the Sea-water. And that therefore they were ſometimes calm and ſmooth of diſpoſition, at other times nothing but tempeſt and whirlwind, there's no withſtanding their fury. So wonderful and ſo boyſterous is the ſtorm, that the Steers-man of the Houſe is forc'd to quit the Helm, and commit himſelf to the mercy of the Hurricane. Now theſe muſt certainly be Scolds. And in Juvenals time, Scolding was grown to that height, that one ſingle woman would be loud enough to wake the Moon out of an Eclipſe.

But what will you ſay if we prove Scolding to be a part of Love it ſelf? and that we ſhall do from the compariſons appertaining to Love. For Love is compared to flames and fire, which you ſee how they rage ſometimes, yet embrace every thing that they devour. What can be more like ſuch a conflagration than Scolding? Like your vixen Schoolmaſters, that when they are thraſhing a boys buttocks, ſtill cry, Corrigo te, non quod odi te, ſed quod amem te.

Then again Love is compar'd to a Lightning, which is nothing but the bruſhing of the two Thunder-clouds together, and ſtriking fire at the ſame time. Like which Lightnings are the glitterings and ſparklings of a Scolds eyes, to ſhew that the thunder of her anger is not without the Emblems of affection in the ſeats of Love.

By way of Application then; ſince there is no man that can be perfectly happy in this life, but that he muſt meet with rubs and jumps in the Bowling-green of this world, and that nothing more ſhews a man to be a true Philoſopher than patience, which he can never exerciſe unleſs he meet with an opportunity; there can no real diſcontent ariſe from the occaſion that gives him that opportunity to ſhew himſelf both a Man and a Philoſopher. 'Tis Heroical to ſuffer, and Heroical Actions always breed an inward pleaſure and ſatisfaction. And therefore he that dyes Matrimonies Martyr, has no reaſon to blame his wife that is the occaſion of ſuch a noble Inſcription upon his Monument. And therefore the Yorkſhire Knight did ill, that pull'd out his Ladies teeth to keep her from Scolding. For how could ſhe keep her Tongue between her Teeth, when he had torn up the fence?

THE Twelfth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

I Agree w'ye, — 'tis the general complaint, men do not love to be Cuckolds. But yet I fear me, theſe complaints ſmell too much of partiality. For there's not one man in five thouſand that cares to be confin'd himſelf. Why then ſhould that be a trouble to a man, that always was, ſtill is, and ever will be? 'Tis ſufficient that a man be a Roman Catholick in his opinion concerning his wife, and pin his faith upon her ſleeve. A woman that never lay with any other man but her own Husband in her life, might ſet up for one of the greateſt Doctreſſes about the Town. For you ſhall find a ſtory in Herodotus, that Phero, perhaps Pharaoh, the Son of Seſoſtris, was ſtruck blind, and ſo continu'd for ten years. The next year he ſent to conſult the Oracle, by which he was anſwer'd, That if he waſh'd his eyes with a womans water that had never known any man but her own Husband, he ſhould recover his ſight. You may be ſure a Prince would ſpare for no coſt, nor no ſearch in ſuch a condition. However, he try'd his own wife firſt; but alas! her water would do no feats. How many ſeveral womens waters he try'd afterwards, Heaven knows, but the number was infinite. At length, when he was almoſt in deſpair, he met with one womans water that did his work. Being cur'd, and well, he caus'd all the women whoſe waters he had experimented in vain, to be brought together, and thruſt into one great City (by which you may gueſs there was a ſwinging company of 'em) and there burnt them all together, City and all; and then took the woman that had cur'd him to wife.

What then is univerſal, can never be a true cauſe of diſcontent, ſince 'tis one mans fortune as well as anothers. And for the women, they are not to be blam'd, becauſe their Husbands lead 'em the way. And from whom ſhould women ſooner learn their inſtructions, than from their Husbands? Therefore ſaid the Gentlewoman to the Parſon that call'd her Baggage, and better fed than taught, 'twas very true, becauſe he taught her, and her Husband fed her. For they muſt ſtill walk by their Husbands rule.

Neither is there any invention of man, no Law, as the Rump-Parliament try'd to little purpoſe; no Stratagem of Male-wit that can obviate the ſuttelties and devices of women in the buſineſs of Cuckoldry. Who would think that any devil of a woman ſhould have it ſo ready? For mark how it fell out; no ſooner was the good man gone out betimes in the morning to work, but his wife admits her private friend into his warm place. The Husband, it being an unthought-of Holyday, returns much ſooner than he was expected, or his company deſir'd. The woman hearing him knock at the door, puts her friend under an old Copper-Furnace in the waſhhouſe. As ſoon as the man came in, Wife, ſays he, I have conſider'd that we have no uſe of that Copper-Furnace in the waſhhouſe, and ſo I have ſold it, and here's the man come to fetch it away. And how much have ye ſold it for? quoth ſhe. So much, quoth he. By my faith, then quoth ſhe, you might have brought your friend before, for I have juſt now ſold it to another for half as much more: And the man's now under it, to ſee what holes there are in it, that they may be mended. And ſo heaving up the Furnace, the man came out, paid down his money, and had his bargain. Where could the man ſuſpect the leaſt harm in all this? And yet you ſee there was harm, though not to be diſcover'd by any but a Conjurer. What could the Father ſay to his Son in Law, when he complain'd of a diſcovery he had made of his wife? The Father deſir'd the Mother to take her Daughter in private, and give her a juniper-Lecture. She does ſo, and the Father and Son reſolve to over-hear her. Fie— quo the Mother, do ſuch a thing, and ſuffer your ſelf to be diſcover'd at your years! Where was your wit? where were your brains? I have been married to your Father theſe twenty years and upwards, and have had many a private Friend in a comer, and yet thy Father can't ſay, black's my eye. I ſay, what could the Father ſay, when he heard this, but adviſe his Son to ſecreſie and diſcretion? Or what could the Son do but take his wife again, and double his guards?

I would fain know what man cares to be out of the Faſhion? or what reaſon a man has to be diſcontented at the Faſhion. If it be the faſhion to be a Cuckold, why ſhould that grieve and torment his mind? Rather let him conſider whether it be not a cuſtom, or rather a Law ſo made by a long Preſcription of near four thouſand years; and then comfort himſelf up in this, that he has the ſame liberty.

Revenge they ſay is ſweeter than Manna of Calabria. But if there be no occaſion of revenge, how ſhall a man enjoy the Sweets of that Pleaſure? Therefore it fell out well for that man, that he was a Cuckold, who underſtanding his Neighbour had made him ſo, order'd his Wife to ſend for his Neighbour, and lock him up in a Cheſt in her Chamber. And then ſending for his neighbours wife, and telling her the whole ſtory, gave her a nooning over her husbands head upon the ſame Cheſt where he lay faſt under lock and key. For now they ſtood upon equal terms.

Sometimes it may happen that a man low i'the world may gain by the bargain. Like the Foot-Souldier i'the Trainbands, who having got leave of his Captain to diſpence with him from the Guard, was got home, and going to bed about one a Clock i'the morning. His doublet was off, and his breeches thrown upon the bed: But his wife was ſo ill of a ſuddain, ſo mortally ſick, that unleſs ſhe had a Cordial preſently, there was nothing but preſent death. The fellow, compaſſionating his wife, ſnatches up his breeches again, puts on his doublet, and knocks up the next Pothecary for a Cordial. What Cordial? Any Cordial, that exceeded not nine-pence; for he had but a ſhilling, and three-pence he muſt have to ſpend next morning upon the Guard. But when he came to dive for his nine-pence, his fingers in one pocket were up to the knuckles in Gold; which encouraging him to feel further, he found a Gold-Watch in a by-fob, and a convenient quantity of Tower-coyn'd Silver-Medals in another pocket. The fellow wonder'd at the ſtrange multiplication of his ſingle ſhilling but ſaid nothing, took his Cordial, and return'd home to his expiring wife. In the mean time the Gentleman was gone with his leathern Breches and the ſingle ſhilling to bear his Charges through the Watch, and glad he ſcap'd ſo. And thus you ſee, if it hit well, there's content a both ſides; if otherwiſe, a man muſt take it as it falls. But yet for all this, I am apt to believe the world is not come to that paſs yet, but that the men are far more in fault than the women. 'Twere impoſſible elſe, that there ſhould be ſo much work for the Surgeons and Pintle-ſmiths about this Town. 'Tis impoſſible that there ſhould be ſuch ſwarms of Charlatans and Knights of the Syringe in every corner of the City. Not a Gate or ſpare wall but what is plaiſter'd over like a Country-Ale-houſe, with No cure no money: A hundred Infallible Cures, and a thouſand more defiances of Mortality, enough to aſtoniſh death it ſelf, as if he were upon his laſt legs, and that Men had wreſted his Scithe out of his ſinewleſs clutches. You cannot walk the ſtreets without having three or four Schedules in a day of humane Infirmities pop't into your hands. So that now if a man can't live by the Tap or the Syringe, 'tis time for him to go a Buckaneering to Jamaica.

Whence this Incouragement? Faith, neither better nor worſe; women are not ſo bad as men would make 'um, and therefore the old trade of whoring ſtill flouriſhes. In ſhort therefore, ſince there is no man that wears a Bulls feather who is not as apt to give it, let him never think that a diſcomfort to himſelf, which he dreams no vexation to another.

THE Thirteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

IS ſhe ſo? Why, what's the matter? Why, the woman's a mere Tyger for jealouſie. And what can be more irkſome to a man, than to live under the yoak of Tyrannical ſuſpition? His goings out and comings in are dog'd and trac'd like a Hare i'the ſnow. Where ha you been to day? What, you ha been to viſit the Taylors wife, I ſee by your hang-dog countenance— But I ſhall pull the eyes of her out at one time or other. I hear of your pranks, I do; but I'll ſpoil your ſwan-hopping i'faith. And when he comes to pay his nocturnal Tribute—No, no, get ye gone where you have been all this day— I'll ha none o'your Gilflurts leavings— And this is a great inconveniency of Matrimony that gives him no reſt. But ſuch men conſider not, that your jealous women are the onely kind wives in the world. 'Tis not out of anger that they chime ſo loud i'their husbands ears, nor out of diſreſpect or neglect of Duty that they tell him his own, but out of pure love and affection. The woman would ne'er have been at the price of a halter to hang her husband that was to be executed, and carried it the Sheriff her ſelf, but that ſhe was jealous leſt her Husband ſhould eſcape the puniſhment of his ſin. Where jealouſie is abſent, there can be no real Love. Jealouſie is the Conditement that preſerves Love, as Sugar preſerves Pears and Plums. 'Tis the Dog and Bell that keeps blind Love i'the right way. Jealouſie is the Argos that watches the unruly and wandring footſteps of ſcaperloytring Lechery. And therefore men are diſcontented, & murmur at the jealouſie of their wives, as little children hate the Chirurgeon that cures um of a Fiſtula i'their Tails, becauſe he hurts 'um. The firſt Condeſcentions of women are but the beginning of Love, but Jealouſie compleats and perfets their affection. For unleſs a woman lov'd her husband, why ſhould ſhe be angry that another ſhould enjoy him? 'Tis a ſign ſhe's ambitious of her husbands Affection, when ſhe envies all others that ſhe thinks have any ſhare with her; and a demonſtration that ſhe preſerves her chaſt embraces entirely for her Husband. A loving Mother is always brooding in her thoughts over her abſent Infant, and ſtill ſuſpicious of the miſcarriages of a neglectful Nurſe. In like manner, what can be more kind and obliging, than a wife that keeps a continual watch and guard over the ſafety and preſervation of her Husband, well knowing how many traps and baits that Harlot Pleaſure lays up and down in every corner for Mouſe-like men, that are ready to ſnap at the toaſted cheeſe of every looſe and vain affection. The Surgeon that boaſted that he had Nuts of Priapus's anow (the ſpoils of venereal Combats) to button a Leaguer-Cloak, gives a woman ſufficient warning to be careful of her husbands ware. It ſhews a woman has a true value for her ſelf, when ſhe ſcorns to be out-rival'd. Theſe Maximes the Town-Miſſes are not ignorant of, and therefore count themſelves then beſt belov'd, and are beſt ſatisfi'd, when their Paramours brook no Copartnerſhip in their Chamber-Practice. In them jealouſie is applauded by their wanton Admirers; and why not in a Wife, whoſe care is much more tender and cordial? Thus a jealous wife takes care of the main Chance; and a Man has the ſame reaſon to be offended at a jealous wife, as at an honeſt ſervant, who takes care to keep himſelf ſober, when he finds his Maſter reſolv'd to be drunk.

THE Fourteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

AY—that's fine muſick for a Huſband indeed—for his wife to lie hickupping a bed, as if ſhe were engaging her ſtomack to give her Husband a Pillowpoſſet. He is then in a bodily fear in truth, when he finds her breath inflam'd with Brandy, and is afraid every moment of being burnt in his bed. For I have heard of a woman that has ſet her ſelf on fire, and been burnt to death with ſwallowing a Snap-dragon. And yet in ſuch a wife there is both pleaſure and content. For they ſay, that women are generally moſt kind in their cups; and kindneſs in a wife is one of the chiefeſt things which the Huſband expects from Matrimony.

Lovers are pleas'd to ſee Babies in their Miſtreſſes eyes; but when his wife becomes all Looking-glaſs, where can he more delight to behold his own failings? which if they be failings, he has the advantage thereby to dreſs and reform his own ill manners firſt, and then hers afterwards. What greater pleaſure can a man have, than to fuddle with his own wife? or what greater kindneſs can ſhe ſhew him, then to ſit foot to foot with him at the Tavern? 'Tis like drinking on a Sunday in Sermon-time with the Church-warden and Conſtable of the Pariſh in company. Or if a man have a mind to be rid of his wife, let him not ſuffer her to diſgrace him, by the retail way of only a quartern at a time from the Stillers ſhop, but let him extend his kindneſs, like the Taylor i'the Strand; let her roſs off her Noggins by whole-ſale; let the Brandy-Firkin ſtand by her bed-ſide.

Now that women have as much right to drink Wine, as well as men, is plainly demonſtrable from this, That the Poet aſſures us, that Bacchus was both Female as well as Male, and perform'd the greateſt part of his Conqueſts by the aſſiſtance of women; of which Sex the chiefeſt part of his Armies conſiſted. His Nurſes too, the Pleiades, were notable Topers, you may be ſure; for they ſpill their Liquour to this day, and are the certain foretunners of rain and fowl weather when they riſe in an ill humour. Then, who were to be truſted with the Religious rites and worſhip aſcrib'd to this carowſing Deity, but women? And whether they were not notable Bowſers, you may eaſily gueſs by their Horſe-play Ceremonies. But now, Heavens bleſs us! what a crime is it for a woman to drink a glaſs of wine!

But let us conſider, I beſeech ye, one thing more. There's an old Proverb, In vino veritas, the Cup never lyes. Whence we infer, that Fuddle-coyf wives always ſpeak truth. I promiſe ye then, I think that man has no reaſon to be diſcontented, that has ſuch a precious Jewel; for you know, that all other women are not to be believed although they be dead.

Oh! but you'l ſay, Fudling women are apt to miſcarry i'their drink. To which I anſwer, that though I might tell ye, more women miſcarry when they are ſober than when they are Tipſie, yet I will onely blame the Husband for that, who ought to take the more care of her, knowing her diſpoſition. 'Tis a thing that looks ill in men, not to take care of their friends in their drink, but ſuffer 'em to reel home i'the dark, and moyl themſelves in the kennel; and therefore to neglect women, the weaker veſſels, when they have been a little over-indulgent to nature, is a Soloeciſm in a Husband that juſtly deſerves the dreaded puniſhment of his careleſsneſs. For her Husband cannot blame her for falling then, when her tottering condition is ſuch, that without bolſtring, 'tis impoſſible ſhe ſhould ſtand. 'Tis a queſtion whether the venerable Delphian Propheteſs did not always take a hearty cup before ſhe went to conſult the Oracle. For you ſee their Anſwers were generally ſuch inſolent riddles, that the Devil himſelf could hardly pick out their meaning. And for the Sybil that carried Aeneas to Hell, you may find in what a pickle ſhe made her ſelf before ſhe durſt adventure the Voyage. When the Trojan Women burnt Aeneas's Navy, the ſtory tells ye, they were all fuddl'd (for the miſchief was contriv'd over a damn'd Goſſiping) yet we do not perceive that the Trojans lov'd their wives e'er a jot the worſe for their frolick. Nay, women are ſo cleanly in their drinking, that many times they ſtrain the Wine through their Smocks; when men, like ſlovens as they are, drink up dregs and all.

Let men conſider their own extravagancies; their flinging the Glaſſes over their ſhoulders, their burning their Coats, Hats and Periwigs; then their running to Baudihouſes, mad as March-hares, their Scowring, as they call it, and breaking peoples windows, their quarrels with the Watch, their diſturbing the Counter-turn-keys, who are forc'd to riſe in the cold, that their Ratſhips may not lye i'the ſtreet. I ſay, let men conſider theſe things, and then tell me why it ſhould be ſuch a heart-hreaking diſcomfort of Matrimony to ſee their wives tipſie, when they take ſo much delight in it themſelves. For women, whoſe nature it is to be inquiſitive, obſerving their Husband to take ſuch an extraordinary delight in trowling the Bowl, are no way to be blam'd for their aſpiring to partake of the ſame felicity. But laſtly, another great comfort that ſame husband enjoys, who has a good Companion to his wife. For as wine debilitates both the one and the other; ſo he has the more reſt and quiet in his bed, and is not dun'd ſo oft for due benevolence, but that he may eaſily afford it.

THE Fifteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.

OH! But the man does not love hairs in his porridge. And yet ſluts are generally very kind. For when the Souldiers in Scotland wanted Onion-ſawce for their Wild-Ducks, the woman of the Houſe, to ſupply their wants, was contented freely to part with the onely Clove of Garlick ſhe had in the world, which her child for ſeveral days had eat and ſhit out again to cure the Worms. I muſt tell ye, a ſluttiſh wife enures a man to the inconveniencies of War, where a man does not always meet with clean ſheets or Sun-Tavern Cooks. Sows are the moſt naſtie creatures in the world, and yet none more profitable or better Fleſh. Perfumes are offenſive to many diſeaſes which Aſſa foetida cures. And how frequently do we find that men forſake their wives Sweet-bags, to have a touch with their greaſie Cookmaids? If the woman be a ſlut, yet the man has this comfort, that ſhe's fair, or elſe the Proverb's a confounded lyar. Now there are certain creatures that having more potent enemies than themſelves, roll themſelves over head and ears i'the mud, to eſcape the danger that hangs over their heads. And thus ſluttiſh wives conſcious of their Beauty roll themſelves over head and ears in durt, to avoid the purſuit of wanton ſollicitations, to the great advantage and comfort of their husbands. Cleanlineſs is but a new Invention; Sluttery was the mode of the Grandmothers of our great great Grandmothers, when Romulus's wife wore a flannel Smock a whole twelve month together, and Aeneas wip'd his fingers upon his Doublet inſtead of a Napkin. Sluttery is an Emblem of the ſimplicity of the old World, before Pomp and Luxury came in faſhion. She that never ſweeps the Cobwebs from her windows has always an example and pattern of diligence before her eyes; and then ſhe has another good quality, that ſhe keeps her Husband out of the Mercer's and Lacemen's Books: and then her Victuals too coſt little; for a T—d's as good for a Sow as a Pancake. Why ſhould a man find fault with a ſlut, when Venus her felf was born out of the ſcum of the Sea?

But then for her Virtues, a Slut is a woman of Conſtancy. She ever was, and is, and what ſhe is ever will be, a ſlut. Without any alteration or change of Humour, according to the uſual Levity and Inconſtancy of her Sex.

In the next place, it ſhews contempt of the folly and vanity of the world, which is one round in her Ladder to Heaven.

Now as for the man himſelf, this is certain, that a ſlut can onely offend his noſe and his eyes. Now what man would be ſo extremely indulgent to his noſe or his eyes, to diſcompoſe the whole frame of Natures Habitation for a Hogo in his Pork, or boyling his Pudding in his foul Nightcap? I have known it rain butter'd Peaſe at a mans Houſe, meerly becauſe his wife brought him an Alchymy ſpoon onely ſmear'd with a little Candle-greaſe. Yet who would not rather chooſe to feed on a good joynt of Mutton, though it fortun'd that the Diſh-clout boyl'd jig by jowl with it all the while, than a diſh of Frogs-legs, or fri'd Mice, though never ſo artificially cook't a-la-mode de France? Or who had not rather ſee his wives naſty Comb in the window, than the ſlap-dawdries of paint and Fucus?

So that men are to weigh the good with the bad; ſome men's meats are other men's poyſons. What ſome men nauſeate, is grateful to other mens ſtomachs: we are not to hate Cows, becauſe Cheeſe is made of their Milk: and as a learned Divine once ſaid, the pleaſures of a Hog are not the pleaſures of an Angel. And therefore in ſhort, men are to take their lots, and either be Fools or Philoſophers. For as all Arguments in theſe Caſes are uncertain, ſo muſt be the Concluſions.

THE Sixteenth Real Comfott OF Matrimony.

BUt forſooth, a man has a fine Eſtate, and a fine wife, and a fine portion; and this wife has a fine wit, fine conditions, and fine careſſes,—but—the Devil's i'theſe Buts,—they come in ſo confoundedly at the but-end of a commendation, that they ſpoil all.—For this fine woman is ſo addicted to Lantraloo, and Back-gammon, that ſhe makes a perfect Speirings Ordinary of her Houſe. No ſooner is the cloath taken away, but another clean cloath muſt be ſpread, and then out come the Cards or the Tables; and there ſhe ſits from after dinner, till one, two, three, four a clock i'the morning, day after day, night after night, conſuming and waſting her fine Portion, till ſhe begins to prey upon the main ſtock. And this is a parlous grievance, a comfort of Matrimony in the name of Satan. All this while the men don't conſider what a happineſs they have in enjoying ſuch a wife. One cries, I think my wife will play away her A—, and what of that? Then there's the thing gone, which is many times the cauſe of all his fears, jealouſies, and diſturbances. How many men are there, that curſe their wives tayls? which if the women have a faculty to play away, there's a fair riddance of the mens diſcontent. But I muſt tell ye, the fear of a wives playing away her tayl, is an idle thing. 'Tis true, ſhe may be forced to ſtake it ſometimes; but then, though ſhe ſhould fortune to looſe, yet ſhe wins by the bargain. But on the t'other ſide, how many men are there, that will looſe their own Arſes, and let a woman drain their Pockets as dry as a clean-ſwept Eaſt-India ſhip, for the favour of a little ſmugling, or the commodiouſneſs of acceſs to their ſnowie white breaſts? And then again, a man does not conſider, that a woman addicted to gaming, minds no other pleaſure; ſhe ſits ſqueezing her thighs and her buttocks, and will hardly ſtir from her chair to piſs, much leſs to mind any other Fegaries. A man may conclude his wife ſafe, when ſhe is once got to her Cards. And it is a happineſs that one game ſpoyls another. The Lydians were a notable people, and theſe notable people the Lydians were the firſt that invented Cards and Dice. And the reaſon was, to keep their wives from other ſports, which they thought more to their prejudice. For after Candaules the King of the Country had put the Lydian women agog, by ſhewing his wife ſtark naked to his friend Gyges, they were all mad, and bawl'd at their Huſbands that they might be ſhewn naked too; every one believing her ſelf to be as handſome as the Queen. Ay,—quoth the men, we'l find ye other divertiſement; and ſo ſetting 'em to Cards and Dice, lay'd their animoſities preſently aſleep. The love of gaming, where it once gets the victory, has ſuch an attractive force, that there is no charm of power ſufficient to controul it. It keeps women even from Play-houſes, the Nurſeries of Hoity toyty Imaginations; it keeps 'em from Lectures, and polluting the Church with unfanctify'd thoughts. Nay, the very conſolation of having Tib and Tom in her hand, ſhall cauſe her to contemn the diſappointment of the moſt ſolemnly-engaged aſſignation that ever woman made; while the impatient lover makes many a weary ſtep in the Templerounds, vainly expecting her that is as faſt at buying ſtocks, as the Knights of Jeruſalem i'their Graves.

On the other ſide, if the wife be ſo happy as to make Fortune her friend, and ſome are ſo beholding to the ſlippery Jade, that you would ſwear ſhe went ſnips, then it rains Guineys in that houſe. The pot boyls upon the ſcore of Lantraloo-luck; Teal, Widgeons, and fat Capons are the Trophies of victorious Gleek; the Triumphs of Back-gammon excuſe the charges of the Fring'd Petticoat; and many times the man too has his ſhare in the taking preſent of a Point-Cravat.

Many are the bleſſings that attend the owner of a ſhe-Gameſter. She is always quiet, never out of humour. She is always patient, always contented; never lowres, never ſcolds, never pouts; for her heart rides at anchor in the Serene harbour of inward eaſe and joy.

Is ſhe at play? never diſturb her—ſhe's then moving in the proper Sphere of her own delight. The Dolphin that had ſuch a love for a Child, that he came every morning to the ſhoar, and carried him over an arm of the Sea to School with his breakfaſt in his hand, could never have been ſo ſerviceable to the Lad, had he been taken out of his own Element. When a woman is peaceable and quiet, and well, 'tis a madneſs to diſturb her. Waſps never ſting, but when they are unwarily provok'd. A game can never be well manag'd without prudence, foreſight, circumſpection, and policy. Seeing then that a woman who is a good Gameſter cannot be without all theſe good Qualities, it is a certain ſign, that he who has a good Gameſter to his wife, has a woman ſo qualifi'd. And who can think it a diſcomfort to him to have a woman poliſh'd with ſo many rare endowments? By playing the King, they learn to govern; by playing the Queen, they learn to obey; by playing Tib and Tom, they underſtand the inconveniency of putting too much power into the hands of Servants. And ſtories furniſh us with ſeveral examples of great Generals that have practis'd the Game at Cheſſe, meerly to inſtruct themſelves in the Art of War, in Stratagem and Surprize, and the methods of Embattelling, and encountring the Enemy. But ſuppoſe ſhe looſes all ſhe plays for: Then ſhe cannot be thought to have all theſe good qualities before mention'd. What then? yet ſhe is ſtill bidding fairly for 'um, ſtill upon the purchaſe of 'um; ſo that if ſhe miſs of her aim, 'tis the unkindneſs of Fortune, not her fault. And bought wit is always ſaid to be the beſt.

And now how would you have 'um ſpend their time? you'd have 'um ſpin I warrant— Yes— and ſit wetting their thumbs, till they grow as lean with exhauſting their radical moiſture, as one of the three fatal Siſters. A fine poſture indeed! to ſit all day long as if they were twiſting the thread of their Husbands life.

You'd have her mind the Brat i'the Cradle; as if it were not far more noble and gentile to turn up a good jolly Trump, than a bawling Baſtards ſhitten, ſtinking tail.

Nor is the loſs ſo great neither, for what a woman loſes in gaming, ſhe ſaves in houſhold-expences; in Coaches, Spring-Gardens, and Plays; in Balls and night-Rambles; ſo that none may be better term'd a Houſwife than ſhe, as being always at home, receiving viſits, ſeldom making any: for where the Carkaſs is, there the Eagles gather together. A man is not crucifi'd with the tormenting thoughts, where or with whom his wife ſhould be at this or that unſeaſonoble time of the night. A terrible affliction to thoſe that continually dream of cornuting.

Suppoſe ſhe loſe her Cloaths from her back. Then her Husband is ſure to find her a bed, till ſhe get a recruit.

No queſtion but it is a great vexation to a woman to loſe, and a great toyl to be always labouring for a dead Horſe. However, it is much more convenient that ſhe ſhould fret her ſelf, than vex her Husband.

The Parſon that lov'd gaming better than his eyes, made a good uſe of it, when he put up his Cards in his Gown-ſleeve for haſt, when the Clerk came and told him the laſt Stave was a ſinging. 'Tis true, that in the height of his reproving the Pariſh for their neglect of holy Duties, upon the throwing out of his zealous arm, his Cards dropt out of his ſleeve, and flew about the Church. What then? He bid one boy take up a Card, and ask'd him what it was— the boy anſwered, the King of Clubs. Then he bid another boy take up another Card. What was that? the Knave of Spades. Well, quo he, now tell me who made ye? The boy could not well tell. Quo he to the next, Who redeem'd ye? That was a harder queſtion. Look ye, quo the Parſon, you think this was an Accident, and laugh at it; but I did it on purpoſe, to ſhew ye, that had ye taught your children their Catechiſm as well as to know their Cards, they would have been better provided to anſwer the material Queſtions which I put to them.

And thus men may profit by their wives gaming; and raiſe many wholſome inſtructions to themſelves from their loſings. As firſt, if they knew as well what belong'd to Cuckolding their Husbands as they did to play at Cards, they would never prefer the misfortune of loſing their money, before the pleaſure of gaming with a friend in a corner. Secondly, that it was better for their wives to ſit loſing their Money at home, than their Reputation abroad. And thirdly, it ought to be a great ſatisfaction to 'um to ſee which way their money goes. For that's the great Plague to a Man, when he finds his Money run away like Quick-ſilver, but knows not which way the devil it goes. But ſhe that games away her money, frees him from that tribulation of beating his brains with an impoſſible enquiry. And I muſt tell ye, a man had better that his wife ſhould game away twenty, than ſport away five pound.

But, Gentlemen, conſider how you ſhake your elbows your ſelves, how you make the dead mens bones rattle; you never conſider how you fret, and tear and ſwear, and ſwagger and ſtorm, and dam and ſink, and curſe and bite the Dice, and gnaw the Boxes. And then at length when the Devil deſerts him at the laſt throw, then to ſee rage and deſpair ding the poor innocent box againſt the floor, as if he deſign'd it through the cleft earth at Lucifers own head, theſe are extravagancies never thought of. What a ſad and miſerable ſurprize it is to be taken by a Creditor with a Serjeant at his heels, in the height of Security, at hei a Main, have at all, while the poor wife and barn at home live only upon truſt with the Milk-woman!

What a pretty kind of Emulation it was between two young Sparks coming loſers out of a Gaming-Ordinary! Quo the one complaining to his friend— G—dam me— I ha loſt forty Guineys— G—dam you— Quo the t'other— G—dam me— I ha loſt above fourſcore— Don't you think now, his friend was to blame if he conteſted with him for priority?

What a pleaſant comfort of Matrimony it would be to a wife, to ſee her Husband undreſt by the Dice, as if he were to go to bed to his Misfortune! The white Beaver leads the Van, then follows the Perriwig, next in order the Cravat, then the Ruffles and Buttons thereto belonging. The Coat cannot forſake his Brethren; and the Breeches hone after the Coat, as being of the ſame Cloath. And what now? There ſtands ſtript Peel-garlick having nothing but his ſhirt and his fiery Paſſion to keep him warm: onely there is this ſmall comfort left him, that he cannot play away his Title of Squire; that ſticks to him as long as the leaſt ſcrap of his Fathers Thrift remains. For it comes to that at length, that all muſt go, even the wives Joynture and all. So the willing Soul at length, overcome with endearment and Careſſes, is carry'd like a Lamb to the ſlaughter to Serjeants-Inn, where after ſhe has given a willing anſwer to the whiſpering Judge, ſhe may then go hang her ſelf in her own Garters. For this is the Finalis Concordia between the Gentleman-Squire and his Patrimony. Therefore take him— Kings-Bench, to the ruine of Wife, Children, and Poſterity, that cries, my Grandfather was a man of Five hundred a year if he could have kept it. Compare now the little Loſings of a wife, and the Patrimony-havocks and extirpations root and branch of their Eſtates which men make, by the leudeſt, wickedeſt, and moſt impious methods in the world; and ſee who has moſt reaſon to complain of Matrimony.

THE CONCLUSION.

BUt it will be eaſie to remove all the Arguments which are brought againſt the Female Sex to prove the diſcomforts of Marriage, if we can but prove that Women ought to govern the State, and not Men. For then they are to look upon what ever is impos'd by woman, as the effects of their juſt Dominion, and not lye grumbling as they do againſt the effects of their own ill Conduct. And indeed, it may be well wonder'd, that all our Knight-Errants of Philoſophy, who have aſſaulted and pull'd down the whole frame of Nature, and rebuilt it according to their own chymerical whimſeys, not ſparing the very Heavens, but either tumbling down or diſlocating it's Orbs; never contenting themſelves with uſual and common remedies, but running in queſt after odd and airy notions; this ſame Sympat hetical, and t'other Univerſal Conundrum; among all the reſt of their Extravagancies have forgot to transfer the Power of Governing the World from Men, that have held it in their hands by violence and Uſurpation for ſo many thouſand years, into the hands of women; ſince a Scepter is not more heavy than a Diſtaff, and a Cap of State very near as ſoon made and embelliſh'd as the gayeſt of Female Head-attire. Was it, for that they, knowing ſuch a ſuperiority too cruel and inſupportable at home, thought it in conſcience too dangerous to recommend it to the publick? Or whether was it, that they found the croaking of thoſe Night-ravens wrought more upon great perſons than the ſound of the Trumpet, and therefore thought they already poſſeſt the Supream Power inviſibly, yet in reality, and for that reaſon needed not any alterations? Or whether it were, that (according to their manner) they conſider'd this as a buſineſs not concerning Life, and therefore neglected it as unneceſſary? However it came to paſs, certain it is, that they who have employ'd their Brown Studies in the transformation of Commonwealths, and made them ſuch, that if men were good Angels they could not live in them, or if they were Devils, might poſſibly be forc'd into peace; there is not one of them but has forgot to ſet down this moſt excellent and neceſſary Piece of Reformation.

And therefore I affirm, That Government and Dominion in Women is not only lawful and tolerable in women, but alſo juſtly, naturally, and properly their Right. Firſt, though ſome crazy Philoſophers, drunk with vain Ariſtoteliſm, have endeavoured to debaſe them from the ſame Species with men; and others far more mad and inconſiderate than they, to deny them ſouls. Yet when we ſhall to this oppoſe the Scripture it ſelf, which makes Man the Conſummation of the Creation, and woman the Conſummation of man; if we ſhould cite thoſe high Attributes which the Rabbies give them, or inſtance thoſe particular Indulgences of Nature which Agrippa aſcribes to them, or thoſe peculiar advantages of Compoſition and Underſtanding which the learned Portugal Zacutius makes them to inherit: Or ſhould we bring in Triſmegiſtus, reputed the moſt ancient and moſt Divine among the Heathen Writers, who calls women the Fountains and Perfections of Goodneſs: or ſhould we add to all this, that which ſtops the Mouth of Barbariſm it ſelf, that is to ſay, the high Eſtimation put upon them even by the Mahometan, who in them place the greateſt pleaſures of their Paradiſe; it muſt needs be acknowledged, that theſe muddy Philoſophers onely ſpoke the ſence of feeble and decrepit Age, and that conſequently their Philoſophy was as feeble and ſtupid as their limber and uſeleſs Limbs.

And indeed, this is a Quarrel wherein Nature hath ſeemed to have declared her ſelf an Intereſted Party, ſo that we need to go no farther than the judgment of our eyes, the quickeſt and the ſureſt that a man can make to decide the Controverſie. For whom can we imagine to be ſo inſenſible, as not to be preſently touch'd with the delicate compoſure and ſymmetry of their bodies, the ſweetneſs and killing Languor of their Eyes, the intermixture and harmony of their Colours, the happineſſes and ſpirituality of their Countenances, the charms and allurements of their Meen, the air and command of their Smiles: ſo that it is no wonder that Plato ſhould ſay, That Souls were unwilling to depart out of ſuch fair Bodies. Whereas men are meerly rough-caſt, briſtly and brawny, and made up as it were of tough Materials; and if they approach any thing neer beauty, they may be ſaid by ſo much the more to degenerate from what they are.

And from hence we gain'd our main inference. For if the Majeſty and Comlineſs of a Governour gain ſo much awe upon the People, as Politicians have obſerv'd, and experience teaches us that it does: What advantage have they in magically charming and winning of the People given them by Nature, which the other cannot aſpire to by Art! For who would not be ſooner ſmitten with Treſſes curiouſly curl'd and dangling, and built up by a raviſhing Architecture, than with buſhy diſcompoſed Locks, though powder'd with Gold? Who would not adore a face glowing with all kind of attractions, rather than a Countenance ſavage with Briſtles, and indented with Scars?

This is a certainty that needs ſo little Demonſtration, that if you look but into any ſtory, you ſhall find even the greateſt Conquerours, luſty and proud in their Conqueſts, humbl'd and brought upon their knees by the fair Enchantments of Women. This we accompt Admirable in Alexander and Scipio that they could avoid; in Caeſar and Mark Anthony we pardon, in reſpect of the greatneſs of their other Actions. And therefore if the greateſt Captains and Souldiers, founders of Empires, be of a higher and more exalted Nature than others of lower and meaner capacities, yet ſuch as have been always commanded by women, who have made them decline in their very Meridians; may we not thence conclude, that Nature has given them a priority, which they enjoy in effect, though not in outward appearance?

'Tis to be ſuppoſed, that no man thinks Solomon to be other than once of the wiſeſt of men, and yet it is well known how theſe white Devils ſeduc'd him. Augusius, who may truly be ſaid to have been one of the ſteadieſt men in the world, one that in his youth out-witted all the Craft of the Hoary Senate, was all his life-time led by one Livia, who had that predominancy over him, that he by her means diſpoſed of the Succeſſion of the Empire to a Son of her womb by another Husband.

But to make this yet more plain, we ſay that Age begets Wiſdome. Now how general the affection of old men is to women, needs no proof, eſpecially the older they grow, ſome of threeſcore marrying Virgins of ſixteen; and therefore it is a clear Argument of the truth of this point, and of the Wiſdom of thoſe reverend Seniors that chooſe ſuch Aſſiſtants for the Government of their declining years.

Beſides, as certainly there wants not its reaſon in Philoſophy, that all Vertues belong to the Sex we plead for; ſo may we alſo in the peruſal of Hiſtory find as many fair and illuſtrious examples of Vertue given by women, as there has been by men. Look but over the Roll of them, and you may eaſily from thence produce a ſufficient ſtock of Preſidents, where many things inſerted as done by men perhaps are either brutiſh, heady, and intemperate, while in the women things appear more ſmooth and temperate. Or if there be any thing of paſſion or exorbitancy, it is but an addition of Luſtre to their Sex, as a bluſh or glowing in the face ſets off their beauty.

Now if it be neceſſary that Governors ſhould be of good entertainment, affable, courteous, open of countenance; and ſuch as ſeem to harbour no crcoked or deep deſign; no men can be ſo fit for Government as women are. For beſides their natural ſweetneſs and innocency, their talk is generally directed to ſuch things, as it may be eaſily-infer'tl, that their heads are not troubl'd about making deſtructive Wars, enlarging Empires, or founding of Tyrannies. So that if we conſider what has been ſaid, and that even thoſe moſt excellent Qualities which are to be moſt deſired and wiſh'd for in a Governour, are inherent to them, we ſhall clearly gain the point which we aim at. What greater happineſs, than to have a Governour that is religious? Now all Philoſophy and Experience teach us, that the ſofteſt minds are moſt capable of theſe Impreſſions, and that women are for the moſt part moſt violently hurried away by ſuch Agitations to which men are ſubject. How few men-Prophets do Hiſtories afford us in compariſon to Propheteſſes! Witneſs the Sybils and the female mouths of the chiefeſt Oracles of the Heathens. And even at this day, who ſuch abſolute followers of the Prieſts as the women are? If you wiſh them merciful, theſe are the tendereſt things upon the face of the earth. They have tears at command; and if tears be the effect of Pity and Compaſſion, and Pity and Compaſſion be the Mother of Vertue, we are oblig'd to think, that mercy rules moſt in them, and it is to be ſooneſt expected from them. If you deſire affection to their Country, where may you more luckily find it? Have not the women many times cut off their hair to make ropes for Engines, and ſtrings for bows? have they not ſurrendred up all their Rings and Jewels to deſray charges? Have they not been content to periſh with their Husbands in their Habitations? and what greater love of Native Country can be ſhewn? Famous was the Valour of the women of Haerlem in Holland when beſieged by the King of Spain, while they out-did the men in Martial deeds, and vy'd with their manly fortitude in ſufferance of Labour in repairing and defending the Walls of their City. As memorable was that of the women of Amſterdam, when it was beſieged by the Prince of Orange, who by agreement among themſelves, by their own Induſtry advanced a great Culverin upon one of the higheſt places in the City, and thence continually diſcharged it with great execution upon the Enemy. And how far might women improve this Honour to themſelves, while they look upon themſelves as the Mothers of their Country? What tenderneſs would not ſuch a woman have toward her Children the People? Eſpecially when we ſee private women ſhew ſuch extraordinary effects of it, that it approaches ſometimes to dotage or madneſs. Or would you have affection to the people at home? No effect-ſo violent as that of women. Murthers, Baniſhments, Proditions, have been but ſmall matters thence ariſing; and what Tragical effects their deſpair has wrought, Poets and Romances abundantly teſtifie.

Thus were this noble Sex reſtor'd to that right which Nature has beſtowed upon it, we ſhould have all quiet and ſerene in Commonwealths. Courts would not be buſied with Factions and underminings, but all would flow into pleaſure and liberty. Inſtead of raiſing Armies, and the continual noiſe of Drums i'the ſtreet, we ſhould be preparing for Masks, and inſtead of depreſſing Factions, we ſhould be all for Balls and Amorous Appointments. So that men might follow their Handicrafis; Oxen might plough, and Millers Horſes lead about the Wheel, while all this Labour and Toil ſerv'd only for the furtherance and eaſe of the Court

Nor ſhould we then have any Wars or Maſſacres, which ſo many argu'd have againſt, and againſt which the people ſo heartily pray. For women being of tender conſtitutions, and for the moſt part ſedentary in their lives, would not engage in ſuch rough employments, proper onely for man, who is but the beſt and moſt exalted ſort of Savage, over whom the women have alſo this priviledge, that they can bring forth the greateſt Conquerours, but Man can onely deſtroy them. Neither for ſeveral Emergencies have they wanted their active Valour, whereof they want not their ſeveral inſtances. Nay, ſome-Nations have attained to this perfection of Female-Government, as the Amazons of old: and and it may be well believ'd, that were it not for the Uſurpation of men at this day, we might have ſeen ſomething modern very like them; ſo that Sir Walter Rawleigh need not have given himſelf the trouble to fetch them from Guiana.

Moreover, we know well how neceſſary it is in every States-man, to be maſter of all the Artifices and ſlights that may be, to gain upon them with whom he has to deal. Now if any can be fitter to act this part than women, I am much deceiv'd. For what by their importunities, glances, trains, ſlights, ambuſhes, arifices, and petty infidelity, it is as impoſſible to eſcape them, as to go over fire conceal'd in treacherous aſhes.

But I perceive a Volly, or rather ſtorms of Objections coming on; but ſuch, as we ſhall eaſily eſcape without being hurt. In the firſt place, you will ſay, they are or will be inconſtant. The fitter they are for all occaſions of buſineſs. They will turn and tack about according as the wind ſerves, and ſo will never ſhipwrack; whereas many Princes have ſplit themſelves and their Poſterity, by being too obſtinate in ſtearing one Courſe. You will next ſay, they will be proud. What more proper than Majeſty and high deportment in a Governour? Without pride, how ſhould there be reverence? and without reverence, how ſhould there be ſujection?

You will tell me, they will be too delicate and gay. This is but to keep the Imaginations of the people aloof, which muſt neceſſarily be highten'd by ſuch curious deceptions, which are as needful for them as the Arcana Imperii are for men. Oh! but they will be talkative. So much the better for the people; whereas reſerv'd and dark Princes, that either mean nothing or ambiguouſly, leave the people in ſuſpence, and make liberty either dangerous, or cauſe flatterry to miſconſter it. You ſay, they will be cruel. I would fain know what man, take the wiſeſt or the beſt, that ever boggl'd much if a head or two were in his way. And therefore, why ſhould they be condemned for what is ſo uſually practis'd? Laſtly, you will ſay they are unwiſe. The more eaſie and ſupple to be govern'd by wiſe Counſellors. And therefore we muſt conclude, that as women bring forth Children to the world, as they multiply themſelves into theſe viſible and corporeal Souls, and after they have brought them forth, ſo they are moſt tender and careful to bring them up: And ſo it is moſt fitting, having all theſe pre-eminencies and indulgencies of Nature, that when they are brought up, they ſhould alſo have the government of them. For a Potter would think it hard meaſure, that the Pitcher ſhould fly in his face when it was made.

And thus without one blaſt, all the Diſcomforts of Matrimony vaniſh, ſince if women act contrary to their Fancies, 'tis no more than what the men are to be contented withal, as being due to the Prerogative of their Sex; and the honour which men receive in being coupled to their Superiours, ought to drown all their other vain Imaginations of uſurp'd authority and oftentation.

FINIS.
THE OLD BACHELOR. He which that hath no wife I hold him lost, Helpless, and all desolat. —CHAUCER. No life, no joy, no Sweete, without a lasse. —ALBINO AND BELLAMA, 1637. We have so leaden eyes, as not to see sweet beauties snow, Or seeing have so wooden wits, as not that worth to know; Or knowing, have so muddie minds, as not to be in love, Or loving, have so frothy thoughts, as easily thence to move. —ASTROPHEL and STELLA, Sir P. Sidney, 1638. What "fox," in life, Still takes no wife, But would an heiress catch—oh, lor'! Than on himself Waste all her pelf? 'Tis the plotting, sly, old Bachelor! Who is the "blade," When youth and maid Give promise of a match—oh, lor'! Will prate of care, And pockets bare? 'Tis the senseless, cold old Bachelor! Who to some friend's His course oft bends, More than one "buss" to snatch—oh, lor'! With that friend's wife,— So causing strife? 'Tis the faithless, strange, old Bachelor! Who'll to some queer "Bold creature" near Himself too much attach—oh, lor'! Until his name Men but defame? 'Tis the vicious, wild, old Bachelor! Who—soon and late— To have his prate, Will lift his neighbour's latch—oh, lor'! And ne'er decline To stop and dine? 'Tis the •• ulking, "doop," old Bacholor! Who's ever found, When wine goes round, It quickly to "dispatch"—oh, lor'! Cup after cup Still guzzling up? 'Tis the drunken, dry, old Baehelor! Who—unemployed— Of self still cloyed, Such dullness oft doth hatch—oh, lor'! Cause 'tis his way So long to stay? 'Tis the tiresome, slow, old Bachelor? Who, in his dress, Seems nothing less Than "guy," stuff'd with old thatch—oh, lor'? All things so worn, Besmeared, or torn? 'Tis the nasty, foul, old Bachelor! Who wears such hose, His skin oft shows— That ne'er get darn or 〈◊〉 —oh, lor'! Housekeepers, oh! They're still so slow? 'Tis the hated, cross, old Bachelor! Who—all alone Lives but to groan, And his small beer to watch—oh, lor'! While, to his cost, Things oft are lost? 'Tis the grudging, grim, old Bachelor! For whom, at last, His sins all past, A hole will sextons seratch—oh, Ior'! Though well we know Few tears will flow? 'Tis the worthless, bad, old Bachelor! C. C. Great Totham.