HAving in the Month of August last past, some earnest occasions which call'd me to Holland, I accordingly took Coach for Harwich, in order to Embark. But arriving there too late for the Packet-Boat, which had set Sail some time before, I was forc'd to lay hold on an opportunity, which gave me an insight into the Manners of that Country I was going to pay a visit to. It happen'd a Dutch Smack was weighing Anchor for Helvoetsluys, and the Long-Boat staying for the Master who was drinking at a Publick-House, I was told by some Persons on the Key, that he had taken in some Passengers, and would gladly accept of my Company too. Pursuant therefore to the directions which were given me, I went up to the Sign of the Amsterdam, where he was drinking, and asking for him, had admision into his Company. But Lord when I had the first sight of the Beast how I was in a surprize! He had no less than half a Pint of Brandy in his hand, which he had infallibly swallow'd without any other Ceremony, had he not thought it more breeding to defer the Execution of it (for his Country manner of drinking is no other than down-right Murdering the Liquors they gorge down) till he had first saluted me. Which was a manner of complimenting which I amidst a thousand Extravagancies had hitherto been ignorant of. For being fearful of losing his Liquor should he set it down, and solicitous lest his addresses should not be tim'd soon enough, up he made towards me and hit me such a cursed slap on the Chaps with his damn'd Phiz, that tho time has worn off the mark of the blow he gave me with his intended Kiss, yet I shall always retain the memory of the stink it left behind it. He was as well acquainted in less than a minute with me as the best Friend I left behind me at the Rose-Tavern in London, and without asking me my business, after having sputter'd out a little Dutch, which was as much as to say, My dear Friend here's to you, down went the half pint at one draught, which was fill'd up to the Brim for me to do the same. But I having been us'd more to Hippolito's and Chaves his Chocolet-House than any Distillers whatsoever, and by consequence more conversant with the Looking-Glass, than Glasses which held such distructive Liquors to the Face in 'em, beg'd his excuse by the wry Faces I made to him for that was the only way I had to let him into my meaning, since my Friends had educated me more like a Christian than to teach me abominable Dutch, But the Skipper for his part answer'd me in worse Grimaces than I made him, and was so importunate with his sputterings which I understood not till a Chaplain to a Regiment during the War in Flanders, and who was going to fetch his Wise from thence, told me 'twas his Country fashion, and if I would be civily us'd, and design'd to be a Passenger, submission to his temper was the only means to acquire it; and though such a reception to a Gentleman of my appearance (for I must tell you I look'd like no small Fool) might savour of rudeness, yet it was Myn Heer's chief accomplish ment and grace, who serv'd every one after that manner, whom he had an esteem for. The Parson having acquainted me with his own resignation in drinking three full Pints of this F • ea-killing Medicine, I e'en forgave the Puppy his intolerable stinking Kiss, and up I top'd a Draught, which ne'er a Beau in Covent-Garden would have submitted to but my self, and which I should have had the Grace to have refus'd, had not the urgency of my Concerns joyn'd with the entreaties of my spiritual Adviser prevail'd over me. I had no sooner dispers'd this Emblem of Hell amidst my Guts, but our Heavenly Ambassador had whip'd off his supernaculum, a way of drinking Customary to our Military Clergy. I immediately look'd in his Face, to see whether the vehemency of that Flood of Liquor, had drove out no Carbuncle; already enquiring for a Looking-glass, in order to mortifie those, which I did not doubt but I had encourag'd, with a Patch. But the man of the House told me in short, he had no such wry fac'd Company, who kept to his House, that should ask for any such Foppish Instrument; and I must say this in Sir Crape's defence; he had perform'd to a Miracle, for the Devil a bit could a Pimple be seen in his Face, it being all over but one continued Carbuncle, and one must have us'd the same means to find it out, as Astronomers do in searching for Motes in the Sun, for nothing under a Telescope could have satisfied you in your enquiry after it. But enough of the Soul-saving, but Body-destroying Parson, my business is with the Skipper, and a Plague on him, for he ply'd me so with Liquor, that all Mount Aetna would have been but a Spark to what I had in my Guts. In short, I began very much to repent me of my journey, and could have wish'd my Friend had rather liv'd, who left me the Legacy I was going for, than I had fallen into such an execrable Society. But since I was come so far, and it could not be long before the Ship went off, I comforted my self with the short continuance of these Hellish proceedings, and endeavour'd to make the Glass stand still by telling the Master of the Vessel by my Vallet my Interpreter, that I was come to be his Passenger. He answer'd he knew that, tho' how he should, encreas'd my Wonder, since he had ply'd me so by drinking to me, that I had not time to tell him; but it seems these Skippers are such intolerable Soakers, that no body will bear the fatigue of their Conversation by Land, but those who must have their Company by Water. When Heaven's be prais'd in came the Boats-Crew, who without any Ceremony with their Hats on their Heads, sat down by their Commander, and told him all things were ready for our Departure.

Good God! What an alteration did these Fellows make in me, who could not but think my self almost in a state of Damnation before their coming! Every one was a good Genius to me, tho' they had all, like their ill favour'd Master, the appearance of euil ones. Four and twenty hours would compleat my deliverance, for whatever came on't I was resolv'd to make my return in an English Vessel. But one damn'd Ceremony was to be encountred with still, Myn Heer must have a Bumper to our good Voyage, and the Parson cry'd blessings attend the Cup, which I agreed to, but was forc'd to go out, to ease my Stomach which was over-charg'd before. At last, tho the Liquor over came me, all obstacles were over-come too, and we got aboard; where I was Conducted into my Apartment which was like our Li • tle-Ease at Guild-Hall, there was small fear of falling out of my Bed, for the Tenement I had taken up was nothing else, and less, of being made light-headed by the Waves, since the Brandy had discharged the weight from my Brain before: In short I fell asleep, and kept in that lazy posture till my Man came to give me notice we were in sight of Helvoe • sluys, which made me put off my close bodied Coat the Cabin, and come above Deck, from whence to my no small surprize, I saw at least two or three Hundred Boats making towards us. Every one was for making a Market of us, when for as much as I could see, all the Passengers Equipage besides my own, might have been landed in a Hand-basket. I had now nothing to do, but to ask my Blockhead, the Skipper, what he must have for my Passage, which he had like to have prevented me in, by demanding it from me, for they are as hasty for their Money, as they are for their Drink, and they'll as soon abate you a spoonful or two in your Glass, as they will Half a Skilling of their first demands, In fine, the Price was Seven Pistols, which I to get rid of his Company paid down readily, tho I knew the Exaction. Having left my Spark, whose Conversation had made me so uneasie, I made towards the Land in a pair of Oars, first bargaining with the two Sco • erkins my Boatmen for a Ducatoon: Indeed, they perform'd their parts like any Water-Rats, and put me a shore with such expedition, as one might perceive the Love they bare to the Ducatoon, by the hast they made to finger it. Being on the Land (if we may call a Country which is half Water so) the first Inn of any tolerable appearance which I met with, was the sign of the Angel, which I could not but admire at in a place where all the Inhabitants bear the Characters of meer Devils. Here I put in, as thinking by the sign they must be something better than Dutchmen that dwelt in it, but I was soon undeceiv'd by the first sight of the Master of the House, who came with his Hat on his Head, and ask'd my Business. I resolv'd him by my Man, for his Language was Heathen Greek to me, and being very Hungry, bespoke two or three Dishes, as Scotch-Collops, Fowls, &c. Lord, Sir, crys my Servant, do you intend to be ruin'd, there are at least thirty Taxes laid on the several ingredients with which the several Sances are to be made. However, I was resolv'd to try the Experiment, and according to his Words, found such a Reckoning, as a Candidate for a Parliament might have treated a Mayor and his whole Corporation with. Sèveral Complements pass'd here, as distasteful as those my Skipper paid. But to detain my Reader no longer from the general Observations, I made of the whole Country, let it suffice, if I tell him I took Sledge, for they travel here in the same manner as our Criminals take a journey to Tyburn in, for the Hague, and having ended my Business in a day or two, I spent three Weeks in visiting the several Provinces, on which he may take the following Remarks.

THey are a general Sea Land, the Great Bog of Europe; and there is not such another Marsh in the World that's flat. They are an Universal Quagmire Epitomized. A Green Cheese in Pickle. There is in them an Aequilibrium of Mud and Water. A strong Earthquake would shake them to a Chaos, from which the successive force of the Sun, rather than Creation, hath a little amended them. They are the Ingredients of a Black Pudding, and want only stirring together. Marry, 'tis best making on't in a dry Summer, else you will have more Blood than Grist: And then have you no way to make it serve for any thing, but to tread it under Z • na Torrida, and so dry it for Turfs?

Says one, it affords the People one Commodity beyond all the other Regions, If they die in Perdition, they are so low, that they have a shorter cut to Hell than the rest of their Neighbours. And for this Cause, perhaps all strange Religions throng thither, as naturally inclining towards their Center. Besides, their ••• ches shew them to be Pluto's Region, and you all know what Part that was which the Poets did of old assign him. Here is Styx, Acheron, Cocytus, and the rest of those muddy Streams that have made Matter for the Fablers. Almost every one is a Charon here; and if you have but a Naulum to give, you cannot want a Boat or Pilot. To confirm all, let but some of our Separatists be asked, and they shall swear, That the Elezian Fields are there.

It is an excellent Country for a Despairing Lover; for every Corner affords him a Willow to make a Garland on; but if Justice doom him to be hang'd on any other Tree, he may, in spight of the Sentence, live long and confident. If he had rather quench his Spirits than suffocate them, rather chuse to feed Lobsters than Crows; 'tis but leaping from his Window, and he lights in a River or Sea; for most of their dwellings stand like Prives in Moted Houses, hanging still over the Water. If none of these cure him, keep him but a Winter in a House without a Stove, and that shall cool him.

The Soil is all Fat, though wanting the Colour to shew it so; for indeed it is the Buttock of the World, full of Veins and Blood, but no Bones in't. Had St. Steven been condemned to suffer here, he might have been alive at this day, for unless it be in their paved Cities, Gold is a great deal more plentiful than Stones, except it be living ones; and then for their heaviness, you may take in almost all the Nation.

'Tis a singular Place to fat Monkeys in. There are Spiders as big as Shrimps, and I think as many. Their Gardens being moist, abound with these. No Creatures; for sure they were bred, not made. Were they but as Venomous as Rank, to gather Herl; were to hazard Martyrdom. They are so large, that you would almost believe the Hesperides were here, and these the Dragons that did Guard them.

You may travel the Country, though you have not a Guide; for you cannot baulk your Road, without the hazard of Drowning. There is not there any use of an Harbinger. Wheresoever Men go, the Way is made before them. Had they Cities large as their Walls, Rome would be esteem'd a Bawble; 20 Miles in length is nothing for a Wagon to be hurried on one of them, where, if your Fore-man be sober, you may travel in safety, otherwise you must have stronger Faith than Peter had, else you sink immediately. A Startling Horse endangers you to two Deaths at once, breaking of your Neck and Drowning.

If your way be not thus, it hangs in the Water, and at the approach of your Waggon, shall shake as if it were Ague-strucken. Duke d' Alva's asking of the Tenth Penny, frighted it into a Palsie, which all the Mountebanks they have bred since, could never tell how to cure.

'Tis indeed but a Bridge of Swiming Earth, on a Flag somewhat thicker than ordinary; if the Strings crack, your course is shortned; you can neither hope for Heaven, nor fear Hell; you shall be sure to stick fast between them. Marry if your Faith flow Purgatory height, you may pray if you will for that to cleanse you from the Mud that shall soil you.

'Tis a green Sod in Water, where, if the German Eagle dares to Bath himself, he's glad again to perch, that he may dry his Wings.

Some things they do that seem Wonders. 'Tis ordinary to see them fish for Fire in Water, which they catch in Nets, and transport to Land in their Boats, where they spred it more smoothly than a Mercer doth his Velvet, when he would hook in an Heir upon his coming to Age. Thus lying in a Field, you would think you saw a Cantle of Green Cheese spread over with Black Butter.

If Aetna be Hell's Mouth, or Fore-gate, sure here's found the Postern. 'Tis the Port Esquiline of the World, where the whole Earth doth vent her crude black Gore, whick the inhabitants scrape away for Fuel, as Men with Spoons do Excrements from Civet-Cats.

Their ordinary Pack-Horses are all of Wood, who carry their Bridles in their Tails, and their Burdens in their Bellies. A strong Tide and a stiff Gale are the Spurs that make them speedy. When they travel, they stand still, they drink up too much of their Way.

T ••• is a Province amongst them, where every Woman carries a Concy in a Lamb Skin. 'Tis a Custom, and not one that travels ever leaves it behind her: Now guess, if you can, what Beast that is, which is clod in a Fur both of Hair and Wool.

They dress their Meat in Aqua Coelesti; for it springs not as ours, from the Earth, but comes to them as Manna to the Israelites, falling from Heaven. This they keep under ground till it stinks, and then they pump it out again for use. So when you wash your Hands with one Hand, you need to hold your Nose with the other; for tho' it be not Cordial, 'tis certainly a Strong Water.

The Elements are here at Variance, the subtil overswaying the grosser. The Fire consumes the Earth, and the Air the Water. They Burn Turfs, and Drain their Ground with Windmills; as if the Cholick were a Remedy for the Stone: And they would prove against Philosophy, the World's Conflagration to be Natural; even shewing thereby, that the very Element of Earth is Combustible.

The Land that the have, they keep as neatly as a Courtier does his Beard. They have a Method in Mowing. 'Tis so interven'd with Water and Rivers, that it is impossible to make a Common among them. Even the Brownists are here at a stand, only they hold their Pride in wrangling for that which they never will find. Our Justices would be much at ease, although our English Poor were still among them; for, whatsoever they do, they can break no Hedges. Sure had the Wise Men of Gotham lived here, they would have studied some other Death for the Cuckow.

Their Ditches they frame as they list, and distinguish them into No • ks, as my Lord Mayor's Cook doth his Custards. Cleanse them they do often; but it is as Physicians give their Potions, more to catch the Fish, than cast the Mud •• t.

Though their Country be part of a Main Land, yet every House almost lands in an Island. And that though a Boor dwell in it, looks as smug as a Lady that hath newly lock'd up her Colours, and laid by her Irons. A galant Masquing Suit sits not more compleat than a Coat of Thatch, tho' of many years wearing.

If it stand dry, 'tis imbraced by Vines, as if it were against the nature of a Dutchman, not to have Bacchus his Neighbour. If you find it lower seated, 'tis only a close Arbour in a Plump of Willows and Alders, pleasant enough while the Dog-days last; but those past once, you must practice Wading, or be Prisoner till the next Sprink, only a hard Frost, with the help of a Sledge, may release you.

The Bridge to this, is an Outlandish Plank, with a Box of Stones to poise it withal, which with the least help turns round, like the Executioner when he whips off a Head. That when the Master is over, stands drawn, and then he is in his Castle.

'Tis sure his fear that renders him suspicious. That he may therefore certainly see who enters, you shall ever find his Window made over his Door. But it may be, that is to shew you his Pedigree; for though his Ancestors were never known, their Arms are there; which (in spight of Heraldry) shall bear their Archievement, with a Helmet for a Baron, at least. Marry, the Field, perhaps, shall be charged with their Baskets, to shew of what Trade his Father was.

Escutcheons are as plentiful as Gentry is scarce. Every man there is his own Herald; and he that has but Wit enough to invent a Coat, may challenge it as his own.

When you are entred the House, the first thing you encounter is a Looking-Glass. No question but a true Emblem of Politick Hospitality; for though it reflect your self in your own Figure; 'tis yet no longer than while you are there before it. When you are gone once, it flatters the next Comer, without the least remembrance that you ever were there.

The next, are the Vessels of the House, marshall'd about the Room like Watchmen; all as neat as if you were in a Citizen's Wife's Cabinet; for, unless it be themselves, they let none of God's Creatures lose any thing of their Native Beauty.

Their Houses, especially in their Cities, are the best Eye beauties of their Country: for Cost and Sight they far exceed our English, but they want their Magnificence. Their Lining is yet more rich than their Out-side, not in Hangings, but Pictures, which even the poorest are there furnish'd with. Not a Cobler but has his Toys for Ornament. Were the Knacks of all their Houses set together there would not be such another Bartholomew-Fair in Europe.

Their Artists for these are as rare as thought, for they can paint you a Fat Hen is her Feathers; and if you want the Language, you may learn a gret deal of Dutch by their Signs; for, what they are, they ever write under them. So by this Device, hang up more honesty than they keep.

Coaches are as rare as Comets; and those that live loosly need not fear one Punishment, which often vexes such with us; they may be sure, tho they be discovered, they shall not be Carted,

All their Merchandise they draw through the Streets on Sledges; or as we on Hurdles do Traytors to Execution.

Their Rooms are but several Sand-boxes: if so, you must either go out to spit, or blush when you see the Mop brought.

Their Beds are no other than Land-cabins, high enough to need a Ladder or Stairs; Up once, you are walled in with Wainscot; and that is good Discretion to avoid the trouble of making your Will every Night; for once falling out, would break your Neck perfectly. But if you die in it, this Comfort you shall leave your Friends, That you Di'd in Clean Linnen.

Whatsoever their Estates be, their Houess must be Fair; therefore from Amsterdam they have banish'd Sea-coal, left it soil their Buildings, of which the stateliet sort are sometimes Sententious, and in the Front carry some Conceit of the Owner▪ is to give you a taste in these: ChrIstVs ADIV • or M • Vs Hoc abdicato perenne pereo. HIC Me DIO 〈◊〉 •• Vr.

Every Door seems studded with Diamonds. The Nails and Hinges hold a constant Brightness, as if Rust there were not a quality incident to Iron. Their Houses they keep cleaner than their Bodies, their Bodies than their Souls. Go to one, you shall find the Andirons shut up in Net-work. At a second, the Warmingpan mu ••• ed in Italian Cut work. At a third, the Sconce clad in Cambrick, and like a Crown, advanced in the middle of the House; for the Woman there is the Head of the Husband, so takes the Horn to her own charge, which she sometimes multiplies, and bestows the increase on her Man.

'Tis true, they are not so ready at this play, as the English; for neither are they so generally bred to't; nor are their Men such Linnen lifters. Idleness and Conrtship has not banish'd Honesty. They speak more, and do less; yet doth their Blood boil high, and their Veins are full, which argues strongly, that when they will, they may take up the Custom of Entertaining Strangers: and having once done it, I believe they will be notable; for I have heard, they trade more for Love than Money; but 'tis for Sport, not the Man; and therefore, when they like the Pastime, they will reward the Gamester; otherwise their gross Fool and clownish Breeding hath spoiled them from being nobly-minded. And if you once in publick discover her Private Favours, or pretend to more than is Civil, she falls off, like Fairy-wealth disclos'd, and turns, like Beer with Lightning, to a Sowerness, which neither Art nor Labour can ever make sweet again.

But this I must give you on Report only; Experience herein hath neither made me Fool nor Wise.

The People are generally Boorish, yet none but may be bred to a States-Man they having all this Gift, Not to be so Nice-Conscienced, but that they can turn out Religion to let in Policy.

Their Country is the God they worship. War is their Heaven. Peace is their Hell: and the Spaniard is the Devil they hate. Custom is their Law; and their Will, Reason.

You may sooner convert a Iew, than make an ordinary Dutchman yield to Arguments that cross him. An old Bawd is easilier turn'd Puritan, than a Waggon •• perswaded not to bait thrice in nine Miles: and when he doth, his Horses must not stir, but have their Manger brought them into the Way, where, in a top sweat they eat their Grass, and drink Water, and presently after hurry away; for they ever drive as if they were all the Sons of Nim ••• , and were futiously either pursuing an Enemy, or flying him.

His Spirits are generated from the English Beer, and that makes him Head-strong▪ His Body is built of Pickled Herring, and they render him Testy; these with a little Butter, Onions and Holland Cheese, are the Ingredients of an ordinary Dutchman; which a Voyage to the East-Indies, with the Heat of the Aequinoctial consolidates.

If you see him fat, he hath been rooting in a Cabbage ground, and that bladdered him. Viewing him Naked, you will pray him to pull off his Masque and Gloves, or wish him to hide his Face, that he may appear more lovely. For that and his Hands are Egypt, however his Body be Europe. He has exposed them so much to the Sun and Water, as he is now his own Disguise, and without a Vizard, may serve in any Antimasque you put him in.

For their Condition, they are churlish, as their Breeder Neptune; and without doubt, very Antient, for they were bred before Manners were in Fashion; yet all they have not, they account Superfluity, which they say, mends some, and marrs many.

They should make good Justices; for they respect neither Persons nor Apparel. A Boor in his liquor'd Slop, shall have as much good usage as a Courtier in his Bravery; nay, more; for he that is but courtly or gentile, is among them like a Merlyn after Michaelmas in the field with Crows. They wonder at and envy, but worship no such Images. Marry, with a Silver Hook you shall catch these Gudgeons presently; the love of Gain being to them as natural as Water to a Goose, or Carrion to any Kite that flies.

They are seldom Deceived; for they Trust no body; so by consequence are better to hold a Fort that, win it; yet can do both. Trust them you must if you travel; for to ask a Bill of Particulars, is to put in a Wasp's Nest; you must pay what they ask, as sure as if it were the Assessment of a Subsidy.

Compliment i • an Idleness they were never trained up in; and 'tis their Happiness, that Court-Vanities have not stolen away their Minds from Business.

Their being Sailors and Soldiers, have marr'd two parts already; if they bath one in Court oyl, they are painted Trapdoors, and shall then let the Iews build a City where Harlem M • er i • , and after cozen em on't.

They shall abuse a Stranger for nothing, and after a few base terms, scotch one another to a Carbonado, or as they do their Roches when they fry them.

Nothing can quiet them but Money and Liberty, yet when they have them, they abuse both; but if you tell them so, you awake their Fury; and you may sooner calm the Sea; than conjure that into compass again. Their Anger hath no Eyes; their Judgment doth not flow so much from Reason, as Passion and Partiality.

They are in a manner all Aquatiles, and therefore the Spaniards calls them Water Dogs. To this, though you need not condescend, yet withal, you may think they can catch you a Duck as soon. Sea Gulls do not swim more readily; nor Moor-Hens from their Nest run sooner to the Water. Every thing is so made to swim among them as it is a Question, if Elizeus's Ax were now floating there, it would be taken for a Miracle.

They love none but those that do for them, and when they leave off, they neglect them. They have no Friends but their Kindred, which at every Wedding, Feast among themselves like Tribes.

All that help them not, they hold Popish; and take it for an Argument of much Honesty, to Rail bitterly against the King of Spain. And certainly, this is a Badge of an ill Nature, when they have once cast off the Yoke, to be most virulent against those, to whom of right they owe Respect and Service. Grateful Dispositions, though by their Lords they be exempted from Service, will yet be paying Reverence and Affection. I am confident, that had they not been once the Subjects of Spain, they would have loved the Nation better. But now out of dying Duty's Ashes arise the Blazes of Hostility and Flame. And 'tis sufficient Ground to condemn their eternal haté, to know the World remembers, They were once the lawful Subjects of that most Catholick Crown.

Their Shipping is the Babel, which they boast on for the Glory of their Nation, 'tis indeed a Wonder, and they will have it so. But we may well hope, they will never be so mighty by Land, lest they shew us how doggedly they can insult, where they get Mastery.

'Tis their own Chronicle-Business, which can tell you, that at the Siege of Leyden, a Port being held by the Spanish, by the Dutch was after taken by Assault; the Desendants were put to the Sword, where one of the Dutch, in the Fury of the Slaughter, rip't up a Captain's Body, and with a barbarous hand tore out the yet living Heart, panting among the reeking Bowels, then with his Teeth rent it; still warm with Blood, into Gobbets, which he spit over the Battlements in Defiance to the rest of the Army.

Their Natives are the Whip of Spain, or the Arm wherewith they pull away his Indies. Nature hath, not bred them so active for the Land, as some others; but at Sea they are Water-Devils, to attempt things incredible.

In Fleets they can fight close, and rather hazard all, than save some, while others perish; but single they will flag and fear, like Birds in a Bush, when the Sparrowhawk's Bells are heard.

A Turkish Man of War is as dreadful to them as a Falcon to a Mallard; from whom their best Remedy is to steal away: But if they come to Blows, they want the valiant Stoutness of the English, who will rather expire bravely in a bold Resistance, than yield to the lasting Slavery of becoming Captives to so barbarous an Enemy. And this shews, they have not learned yet even Pagan Philosophy, which ever prefer an honourable Death before a Life thrawl'd to perpetual Slavery.

Their Ships lie like high Woods in Winter; and if you view them on the North side, you freeze without hope; for they ride so thick, that you can through them see no Sun to warm you with.

Sailers among them are as common as Beggars with us. They can drink, rail, swear, niggle, steal, and be lowsie a like; but examining their use, a Mess of their Knaves are worth a Million of ours; for they in a hoisterous rudeness can work, and live and toil; whereas ours will rather laze themselves to Poverty, and like Cabbages left out in Winter, rot away in the loathsomeness of a nauseous Sloath.

Almost all among them are Seamen born, and like Frogs, can live both on Land and Water. Not a Country-Vrister but can handle an Oar, steer a Boat, raise a Mast, and bear you out in the roughest strai • s you come in. The Ship she a vouches much better for Sleep than a Bed. Being full of Humours, that is her Cradle, which lulls and rocks her to a dull Phlegmatickness, most of them looking like full grown Oysters boild. Slime, humid Air, Water, and wet Diet, have so bag'd their Cheeks, that some would take their Paunches to be gotten above their Chin.

The Country's Government is a Democracy, and there had need be many to rule such a Rabble of rude Ones. Tell them of a King; and they could cut your Throat in earnest The very Name carries Servitude in it, and they hate it more than a Iew doth Images, a Woman Old Age, or a Nonconformist a Surplice.

None among them hath Authority by Inheritance, that were the way in time to parcel out their Country to Families. They are chosen all as our Kings chuse Sheriffs for their Counties; not for their sin of Wit, but for the Wealth they have to bear it out withal; which they so over-affect, that Myn Heer shall walk the Streets as Userers to go to Bawdy-houses, all alone and melancholly. And if they may be had cheap, he will dawb his faced Cloak with Two pennyworth of picked Herrings, which himself shall carry home in a String. A Common Voice has given him Pre-eminence, and he loses it by living as he did when he was but a Boor. But if you pardon what is past, they are about thinking it time to learn more Civility.

Their Justice is strict, if it cross not Policy; but rather than hinder Traffick, tolerates any thing.

There is not under Heaven such a Den of several Serpents as Amsterdam is; you may be what Devil you will, so you push not the State with your Horns.

'Tis an University of all Religions, which grow here confusedly (like Stocks in a Nursery) without either Order or Pruning. If you be unsettled in your Religion, you may here try all, and take at last what you like best: If you fancy none, you have a Pattern to follow, of two, that would be a Church to themselves.

'Tis the Fair of all the Sects, where all the Pedlars of Religion have leave to vent their Toys, their Ribbons, and Phanatick Rattles. And should it be true, it were a cruel brand which Romists stick upon them; for say they, as the Chamaleon changes into all Colours but White; so they admit of all Religions but the true; for a Papist only may not exercise his in Publick: Yet, his Restraint, they plead, is not in Hatred, but Justice, because the Spaniards abridges the Protestants. And they had rather shew a little Spleen, than not cry quit with their Enemy. His Act is their Warrant, which they retaliate justly. And for this Reason, rather than the Dunkirkers they take shall not Die, Amsterdam having none of their own, shall borrow a Hang-Man from Harlem.

Now, albeit the Papists do them wrong herein, yet can it not excuse their boundless Toleration, which shews they place their Republick in a higher esteem than Heaven it self; and had rather cross upon God than it. For, whosoever disturbs the Civil Government, is liable to Punishment; but the Decrees of Heaven, and Sanctions of the Deity, any one may break uncheck't, by prosessing what False Religion he please. So Consulary Rome of old, brought all the straggling Gods of other Nations to the City, where blinded Superstition paid an Adoration to them.

In their Families they are all Equals; and you have no way to know the Ma ster and Mistress, but by taking them in Bed together: it may be those are they, otherwise Malky can prate as much, laugh as loud, be as bold, and sit as well as her Mistress.

Had Logicians lived here at first, Father and Son had never passed so long for Relatives: they are here Individuals; for no Demonstrance of Duty or Authority can distinguish them, as if they were created together, and not born successively. And as for your Mother, bidding her Good Night, and Killing her, is punctual Blessings.

Your Man shall be Sawcy, and you must not Strike; if you do, he shall complain to the Scout, and perhaps have Recompence. 'Tis a dainty place to please Boys in, for your Father shall bargain with your Schoolmaster, not to Whip you, if he doth, he shall Revenge it with his Knife, and have Law for it.

Their Apparel is Civil enough, and Good enough, but very uncomely, and has usually more stuff than shape. Only their Huikes are commodius in Winter: but 'tis to be lamented, that they have not Wit enough to lay them by when Summer comes.

Their Women would have good Faces, if they did not marr them with making. Their Ear-wyers have so nipt in their Cheeks, that you would think some Fairy to do them a mischief, had pinch'd them behind with Tongs. These they dress, as if they would shew you all their Wit lay behind, and they needs would cover it. And thus ordered, they have much more Fore-head than Face.

They love the English Gentry well; and when Soldiers come over to be billeted among them, they are emulous in choosing of their Guest, who fares much the better for being liked by his Hostess.

Men and Women are there starched so blue, that if they once grow old, you would verily believe you saw Winter walking up to the Neek in a Barrel of Indigo: And therefore they rail at England for spending no more Blewing.

A Man among them is else clad tolerably, unless he incline to the Sea fashion; and then are his Breeches yawning at the Knees, as if they were about to swallow his Legs unmercifully.

They are far there from going Naked; for of a whole Woman, you can see but half a Face. As for her Hand, that shews her a fore Labourer; which you shall ever find, as it were in Recompence, loaded with Rings, to the cracking of her fingers. If you look lower, she's a Monkey, chain'd about the middle; and had rather want it in Diet, than not have Silver Links to hang her Keys in.

Their Gowns are fit to hide great Bellies, but they make em shew so unhandsome that men do not care for getting them. Marry this you shall find to their Commendation, their Smocks are ever whiter than their Skin.

Where the Woman lies in, the Ringle of the door does Pennance, and is lapped about with Linnen, either to shew you that loud knocking may waken the Child, or else for a Month the Ring is not to be run at. But if the Child be dead, there is thrust out a Nosegay, tied to a Stick's end, perhaps for an Emblem of the Life of man, which may wither as soon as born; or else to let you know, that tho' these fade upon their gathering, yet from the same stock, the next year a new shoot may spring.

You may rail at us for often changing; but I assure you, with them it is a great deal more following the Fashion, which they will plead for as the Ignorant Laity for their Faith; they will keep it, because their Ancestors lived in it. Thus they will rather keep an old Fault, tho' they discover Errors in it, than in an easie Change to meet a certain Remedy.

For their Diet, they eat much, and spend little: when they set out a Fleet to the Indies, it shall live three months on the Offals, which we hear fear would furfeit our Swine; yet they feed ont, and are still the same Dutchmen.

In there Houses, Roots and Stockfish are Staple Commodities. If they make a Feast, and add Flesh, they have Art to keep it hot more days than a Pigs-head in Pye-corner. Salt meats and sower Cream they hold him a Fool that loves not, only the last they correct with Sugar; and are not half so well pleased with having it sweet at first, as with letting it sower, that they may sweeten it again; as if a Woman were not half so pleasing being easily won, us after a Scolding sit she comes by a man to be calmed again.

Fish indeed they have brave and plentiful; and herein Practice hath made them Cooks, as good as e're Lucullus his latter Kitchen had, which is some P 〈9 letters〉 ce for their Wilfulness; for you can neither pray nor •• y them to 〈◊〉 their own Cookery.

To a Feast they come readily, but being set once, you most have Patience. They are longer Eating Meat, than we are preparing it. If it be to Supper, you conclude timely when you get away by Day-break. They drink down the Evening Star, and drink up the morning Star. At those times it goes hard with a Stranger; all in Courtisie will be drinking to him; and all that do so he must pledge; till he doth, the fill'd Cups circle round his Tre • cher, from whence they are not taken away till emptied. For tho' they give you a day for payment, yet they will not abate the Sum. They sit not there as we in England, Men together, and Women first; but ever intermingled, with a Man between: and instead of Marchpanes, and such Juncates, 'tis Good manners if any be there, to carry away a piece of Apple-pye in your Pocket.

The time they spend there is in eating well, in drinking much and prating most. They sip, and laugh, and tell their Tales, and in a Tavern are more Prodigal of their Time than their Wine. They drink as if they were short winded, and as it were eat their drink by morsels, rather besieging their brains than asfausting them.

In short, to come to a Conclusion, what they do is so far from being like other mens actions, that they are wholly the reverse of Humanity, as they are the backside of the whole World. And the men of Old did no more wonder, that the Great Massias was born in so poor a Town as Bethlem in Iudec, than I do wonder that so brave a Prince as King William should be born in such a Land of beasts, as Lowsie Holland.