THey are a general Sea-Land. The great Bog of Europe. There is not such another Marsh in the world; that's flat. They are an universall Quagmire, Epitomiz'd, A green Cheese in pickle. There is in them an Aequilibrium of mud and water. A strong Earthquake would shake them to a Chaos, from which the successive force of the Sun, rather than Creation, hath a little e mended them. They are the Ingredients of a black pudding, and want only stirring together. Marry 'tis best making on't in a dry Summer, else you wil have more bloud than grist; and then have you no way to make it serve for any thing, but to tread it under Zona Torrida, and so dry it for Turfs. Sayes one, it affords the people one commodity beyond all the other Regions; if they dye in perdition, they are so low, that they have a shorter cut to Hell than the rest of their neighbours. And for this cause, perhaps all strange Religions throng thither, as naturally inclining towards their Center. Besides, their Riches shewes them to be Pluto's Region, and you all know what part that was which the Poets did of old assign him. Here is Styx, Acheron, Cocytus, and the rest of those muddy streames that have made matter for the Fablers. Almost every one is a Charon here, and if you have but a Naulum to give, you cannot want or Boat or Pilot. To confirm all, let but some of our Separatists be asked, and they shall swear that the Elizian Fields are there.

It is an excellent Country for a despairing Lover: for every corner affords him willow to make a Garlandon; but if justice doom him to be hang'd on any other tree, he may in spight of the sentence live long and confident. If he had rather quench his spirits than suffocate them, so rather chuse to feed Lobsters than Crows; tis but leaping from his window, and he lights in a River or Sea; for most of their dwellings stand like privies in moted houses, hanging still over the water. If none of these cure him, keep him but a winter in a house without a stove, and that shall cool him.

The Soyl is all fat, though wanting the colour to shew it so; for indeed it is the buttock of the World, full of veines and bloud, but no bones in't. Had S. Steven been condemn'd to suffer here, he might have been alive at this day; for unless it be in their paved Cities, gold is a great deal more plentiful than stones, except it be living ones, and then for their heaviness you may take in almost all the Nation.

Tis a singular place to fat Monkies in. There are Spiders as big as Shrimps, and I think as many. Their Gardens being moist, abound with these. No creatures; for sure they were bred, not made, Were they but as venemous as rank, to gather herbs were to hazard Martyrdome. They are so large, that you would almost believe the Hesperides were here, and these the Dragons that did guard them.

You may travail the Country though you have not a guide: for you cannot baulk your road without the hazard of drowning. There is not there any use of a Harbinger. Wheresoever men go the way is made before them. Had they Cities large as their Walls, Rome would be esteemd a bable. Twenty miles in length is nothing for a Waggon to be hurried on one of them, where if your fore-man be sober, you may travail in safety, otherwise, you must have stronger faith than Peter had, else you sink immediately. A starting horse indangers you to two deaths at once, breaking of your neck, and drowning.

If your way be not thus, it hangs in the water, and at the Approach of your Waggon shall shake as if it were Ague-strooken. Duke D' Alva's taxing of the tenth penny frighted it into a Palsey, which all the Mountebanks they have bred since could never tell how to Cure.

'Tis indeed but a bridge of swimming earth, or a flagg somewhat thicker than ordinary, if the strings crack your course is shortned, you can neither hope for Heaven nor fear Hell, you shall be sure to stick fast between them, Marry if your Faith flow Purgatory height, you may pray if you will for that to clense you from the Mud shall soyl you.

Tis a green sod in water, where if the German Eagle dares to bath himself, he's glad again to pearch that he may dry his wings.

Some things they do that seem Wonders. 'Tis ordinary to see them fish for fire in water, which they Catch in nets and transport to land in their boats, Where they spread it more smoothly than a Mercer doth his Velvet when he would hook in an heir upon his comming to age. Thus lying in a field, you would think you saw a Cantle of Green Cheese' spread over with black butter.

If Aetna be hells mouth or fore-gate, sure here is found the Postern. 'Tis the Port-Esquiline of the world, where the full earth doth vent her crude black gore, which the Inhabitants scrape away for fuel, as men with spoones do excrements from Civit Cats.

Their ordinary packhorses are all of wood, cary their bridles in their tails, and their burdens in their bellies. A strong tyde and a stiff Gale are the spurs that make them speedy. When they travel they touch no ground; and when they stand still they ride; and are never in danger but when they drink up too much of their way.

There is a Province among them, where every woman carries a Cony in a Lambskin. 'Tis a custom and not one that travelse ver leaves it behind her. Now guess if you can what beast that is, which is clad in a fur both of hair and wool.

They dress their Meat in aqua Caelesti, for it springs not as ours from the Earth, but comes to them, as Manna to the Israelites, falling from heaven. This they keep under ground till it stinks, and then they pump it out again for use. So when you wash your hands with one hand, you had need hold your nose with the other; for though it be not Cordial, 'tis certainly a strong water.

The Elements are here at variance, the subtile over swaying the grosser, The fire cōsumes the earth, and the air the water, they burn Turffs, and drain their grounds with Windmills; As if the Cholick were a remedy for the Stone; And they would prove against Philosophy the Worlds Conflagration to be natural, evē shewing thereby that the very Element of Earth is Combustible.

The land that they have they keep as neatly as a Courtier does his Beard. They have a Method in mowing. Tis so intervein'd with Waters and Rivers, that it is impossible to make a Common among them. Even the Brownists are here ata stād, only they hold their pride in wrangling for that which they never wil find. Our Justices would be much at ease although our English poor were still among them: For whatsoever they do they can break no hedges. Sure had the wise men of Gotham lived here, they would have studyed some other death for their Cuckow.

Their Ditches they frame as they list; and distinguish them into nooks, as my Lord Majors Cook doth his Custards. Clense them they do often; but 'tis as Physicians give their potions, more to catch the fish, than cast the Mud out.

Though their Country be part of a mainland, yet every house almost stands in an Island. And that though a Boor dwell in it, looks as smug, as a Lady that hath newly lockt up her colours, and laid by her srons. A gallant masquing suit sits not more compleat, than a Coat of thatch though of many years wearing.

If it stand dry 'tis imbraced by Vines, as if it were against the nature of a Dutch-man not to have Bacchus his neighbour. If you find it lower seated, 'tis only a close Arto rin a plump of Willowes and Alders; pleasant enough while the Dog-daies last; But those past once, you must practise wading, or be prisoner till the next spring. Only a hard frost, with the help of a sledge, may release yon.

The Bridge to this is an outlandish plank with a box of Stones to poize it withall, which with the least help turns round, like the Executioner when he whips off a head. That when the Master is over, stands drawn, and then he is in his Castle.

Tis sure his fear that renders him suspitious. That he may therefore certainly see who enters, you shal ever find his window made over his door. But it may be that is to shew you his Pedigree; for though his Ancestors were never known, their Arms are there; which (in spight of Heraldry) shall bear their Atchievment with a Helmet for a Baron at least. Marry the Field perhaps shall be charged with 3. basquets, to shew what trade his father was.

Escutcheons are as plentifull as Gentry is scarce. Every man there is his own Herald; and he that has but wit enough to invent a Coat, may challenge it as his own.

When you are entred the house, the first thing you encounter is a Looking glass. No question but a true Embleme of politick hospitality; for though it reflect your self in your own figure, tis yet no longer than while you are there before it. When you are gone once, it flatters the next commer, without the least remembrance that you ere were there.

The next are the vessels of the house marshalled about the room like watchmen. All as neat as if you were in a Citizens wives Cabinet; for unless it be themselves, they let none of Gods creatures lose any thing of their native beauty.

Their houses, especially in their Cities, are the best eye-beauties of their Country. For cost and sight they far exceed our English, but they want their magnificence. Their lining is yet more rich than their out-side; not in hangings, but pictures, which even the poorest are there fur-nishtwith. Not a cobler but has his toyes for ornament. Were the knacks of all their houses set together, there would not be such another Bartholmew-Fair in Europe.

Their Artists for these are as rare as thought; for they can paint you a fat hen in her feathers; and if you want the language, you may learn a great deal of Dutch by their signes; for what they are they ever write under them. So by this device hang up more honesty than they keep.

Coaches are as rare as Comets; and those that live loosely need not fear one punishment, which often vexes such with us: They may be sure, though they be discovered, they shall not be carted.

All their Merchandise they draw through the streets on Sledges; or as we on Hurdles do traitors to execution.

Their rooms are but severall land boxes: if so, you must either goe out to spit, or blush when you see the Map brought.

Their beds are no other than land-cabines, high enough to need a ladder or stairs. Up once, you are walled in with wainscot, and that is good discretion to avoid the trouble of making your Will every night; for once falling out else would break your neck perfectly. But if you die in it, this comfort you shall leave your friends, that you dy'de in clean linnen.

Whatsoever their estates be, their houses must be fair. Therefore from Amsterdam they have banisht sea-cole, lest it soyl their buildings, of which the starelier sort are sometimes sententious, and in the front carry some conceit of the Owner. As to give you a taste in these.

Every door seems studded with Diamonds. The nailes and hinges hold a constant brightness, as if rust there were not a quality incident to iron. Their houses they keep cleaner than their bodies; their bodies than their soules. Goe to one you shall finde the Andirons shut up in net work. At a second, the warming pan muffled in Italian Cutwork. At a third the Sconce clad in Cambrick. And like a Crown advanced in the middle of the house, for the woman there is the head of the husband, so takes the horn to her own charge, which she sometimes multiplies, and bestowes the increase on her man.

Tis true, they are not so ready at this play as the English; for neither are they so generally bred to't, nor are their men such linnen-lifters. Idleness and Courtship has not banish't honesty. They speak more, and doe less; yet doth their blood boil high and their veins are full, which argues strongly that' when they will they may take up the custome of entertaining strangers. And having once done it, I believe they will be notable, for I have heard they trade more for love than money, but 'tis of the sport not the man, and therefore when they like the pastime they will reward the Gamester; otherwise their gross feed and clownish breeding hath spoiled them for being nobly minded. And if you once in publick discover her private favours or pretend to more than is civil, she falls off like fairy wealth disclosed, and turns like beer with lightning to a sowreness, which neither Art nor labour can ever make sweet again.

But this I must give you on report only; experience herein hath neither made me fool nor wise.

The people are generally Boorish; yet none but may be bred to a Statesman, they having all this gift not to be so nice-conscienced but that they can turn out religion, to let in policy.

Their Countrey is the God they worship. War is their Heaven. Peace is their Hell, and the Spaniard is the Devil they hate. Custome is their Law, and their will reason.

You may sooner convert a Jew than make an ordinary Dutch-man yield to Arguments that cross him. An old Baud is easilyer turned Puritan, than a Waggoner perswaded not to bait thrice in nine miles. And when he doth, his horses must not stirre, but have their manger brought them into the way, where in a top-sweat they eat their grass, and drink their water, and presently after hurry away. For they ever drive as if they were all the sonnes of Nimishi, and were furiously either pursuing an enemy or flying him.

His spirits are generated from the English Beer, and that makes him headstrong. His body is built of pitckled Herring. And they render him testy: these with a little Butter, Onyons & Holland Cheese are the ingredients of an ordinary Dutchman; which a voyage to the East-Indies, with the heat of the Equinoctiall Consolidates.

If you see him fat he hath been rooting in a Cabbage ground and that bladdered him. Viewing him naked you will pray him to pull of his Masque and Gloves, or wish him to hide his face, that he may appear more lovely. For that and his hands are Aegypt, however his body be Europe. He hath exposed them so much to the Sun and water as he is now his own disguise, and without a Vizard may serve in any Antimasque you put him in.

For their Condition they are Churlish as their breeder Neptune: and without doubt very antient; for they were bred before manners were in fashion. Yet all they have not, they account superfluity, which they say mendeth some, and marreth many.

They should make good Justices; for they respect neither persons nor apparell. A boor in his liquord slop shall have as much good use as a Courtyer in his bravery; Nay more; for he that is but Courtly or Gentile, is among them like a Merlyn after Michaelmas in the field with Growes. They wonder at and envy; but worship no such Images. Marry with a Silver hook you shall catch these Gudgeons presently. The love of gain being to them as naturall as water to a Goose, or Carrion to any Kite that flies.

They are seldome deceived; for they trust no body; so by consequence are better to hold a fort than win it; yet they can do both. Trust them you must if you travel. For to ask a Bill of particulars is to purre in a Waspes nest; you must pay what they ask as sure as if it wereth' assesment of a Subsidy.

Complement is an idlenes they were never trained up in, and 'tis their happiness that Court vanities have not stole away their minds from business.

Their being Sailors and Souldiers have marred 2 parts already, if they bath once in Court oile they are painted Trapdores. And shall then let the Jewes build a City whe e Harlem Mere is and after cosen 'em on't.

They shall abuse a stranger for nothing, andafter a few base terms scotch one an other to a Carbonado, or as they do their Roaches when they fry them.

Nothing can quiet them but money and liberty, yet when they have them they abuse both; but if you tell them so you awake their fury; and you may sooner calm the Sea than conjure that into compass again. Their anger hath no eyes. And their judgement doth not flow so much from reason as passion and partiality.

They are in a manner all Aquatiles: and therefore the Spaniard calls them Water Dogges. To this though you need not condiscend; yet with-all you may think they can catch you a duck as soon. Sea-Gulls do not swim more readily: nor More hens from their nest run sooner to the water. Every thing is so made to swim among them, as it is a question if Elizeus his Ax were now floating there, it would be taken for a miracle.

They love none but those that do for them; and when they leave off, they neglect them. They have no friends but their kindred; which at every wedding, feast among themselves like Tribes.

All that help them not, they hold popish; and take it for an argument of much honesty to rail bitterly against the King of Spain. And certainly this is the badge of an ill Nature, when they have once cast off the yoke, to be most virulent against those to whom of right they owe respect and service. Grateful dispositions, though by theirLords they be exempt from service, will yet be paying reverence and affection. I am confident that had they not been once the Subjects of Spain, they would have loved the nation better. But now cut of dying Duties ashes all the Blazes of hostility and flame. And tis sufficien ground to contemn their eternal hate, to know the world remembers, they were once the lawful subjects of that most Catholique Crown.

Their shipping is the Babel which they boast on for the glory of their Nation. Tis indeed a wonder, and they will have it so. But we may well hope they will never be so mighty by Land, least they shew us how doggedly they can insult where they get the mastery.

Tis their own Chronicle business, which can tell you that at the Seige of Leyden, a Fort being held by the Spanish, by the Dutch was after taken by Assault. The Defendants were put to the sword, where one of the Dutch in the fury of the slaughter, ript up the Captains body, and with a barbarous hand tore out the yet living heart panting among the reeking bowels, then with his teeth rent it still warm with blood into gobbets, which he spitted over the battlements, in defiance to the rest of the Army.

Oh Tigers breed! The Scythian-Bear could nere have been more savage, To be necessitated into cruelty, is a misfortune to the strongly tempted to it; but to let spleen rave, and mad it in resistless blood, shewes nature steepd i'th livid gall of passion; and beyond all brutishness displays the unnoble tyranny of a prevailing Coward.

Their Navies are the whip of Spain, or the Arm wherewith they pull away his Indies. Nature hath not bread them so active for the land as some others: But at Sea they are water-Devils, to attempt things incredible.

In Fleets they can fight close, and rather hazard all then save some, while others perish: but single, they will flag and fear like birds in a bush when the Sparrow-Hauks bells are heard.

A Turkish man of War is as dreadfull to them as a a Falcon to a Mallard; from whom their best remedy is to steal away. But if they come to blowes, they want the valiant stoutness of the English, who will rather expire bravely in a bold resistāce, than yield to the lasting slavery of becoming captives to so barbarous an enemy. And this shews they have not learned yet even Pagan Philosophy, which ever preferred an honourable death before a life thralled to perpetuall slavery.

Their ships ly like high woods in Winter: And if you view them on the Northside you friez without hope, for they ride so thick, that you can through them see no Sun to warm you with.

Sailers among them are as common as beggars with us. They can drink, rail, swear, niggle, steal, and be lowsie alike; but examining their use, a mess of their Knaves are worth a million of ours: for they in a boisterous rudeness can work, and live, and toil, whereas ours will rather laze themselves to poverty; and like Cabages left out in winter, rot away in the loathsomeness of a nauseous sloth.

Almost all among them are Seamen born, and like frogs can live both on land and water. Not a Country Uriester but can handle an oar, steer a boat, raise a mast, and bear you out in the roughest streights you come in. The ship she avouches much better for sleep than a bed. Being full of humours, that is her cradle, which luls and rocks her to a dull phlegmatickness, most of them looking like a full grown oyster boild. Slime, humid air, water, and wet dyet, have so bagg'd their cheeks, that some would take their paunches to be gotten above their chin.

The Countries government is a Democracy, and there had need be many to rule such a rabble of rude ones. Tell them of a King, and they could cut your throat in earnest. The very name carries servitude in it, and they hate it more than a Jew doth Images, a Woman old age, or a Non-Conformist a surplice.

None among them hath Authority by inheritance, that were the way in time to parcel out their Countrie to Families: They are chosen all as our Kings chuse Sheriffs for the Counties: not for their sin of Wit, but for the Wealth they have to bear it out withall; which they so over-affect that MynHere shall walk the Streets as Usurers go to Baudy houses, all alone and melancholie. And if they may be had cheap, he will daub his faced cloke with two penni-worth of pickled Herrings which himself shall carrie home in a string. A common voice hath given him preheminence, & he loses it by living as he did when he was but a Boor. But if you pardon what is past, they are about thinking it time to learn more civilitie.

Their justice is strict if it cross not Policie: but rather than hinder Traffique tollerates any thing.

There is not under heaven such a Den of several Serpents as Amsterdam is, you may be what Devil you will, so you push not the State with your horns.

Tis an University of all Religions, which grow here confurdly (like stocks in a Nursery) without either order or pruning. If you be unsettled in your Religion, you may here trie all, and take at last what you like best. If you fancie none, you have a pattern to follow, of two, that would be a Church by themselves.

Tis the Fair of all the Sects, where all the Pedlers of Religion have leave to vent their toies, their Ribands, and phanatick Rattles. And should it be true it were a cruel brand which Romists stick upon them. For (say they) as the Chameleon changes into all Colours but white: so they admit of all Religions but the True. For the Papist only may not exercise his in publick Yet his restraint they plead is not in hatred but justice: because the Spaniard abridges the Protestant. And they had rather shew a little spleen, than not cry quit with their Enemy. His act is their Warrant; which the •• •• etaliat justly. And for this reason rather than the Dunkirks they take shall not dy, Amsterdam having none of their own, shall borrow a hangman from Harlem.

Now albeit the Papists do them wrong herein, yet can it not excuse their boundles Tolleration, which shews they place their Republick in a higher esteem than Heaven it self and had rather cross upon God than it. For whosoever disturbs the Civil Government is lyable to punishment: But the Decrees of Heaven. and Sanctions of the Deity, any one may break uncheck'd, by prosessing what false Religion he please. So Consulary Rome of old, brought all the Straggling Gods of other Nations to the City, where blinded superstition paid an Adoration to them.

In their Families they all are equals, and you have no way to know the master and Mistress, but by taking them in bed together. It may be those are they: Otherwise Malky can prate as much, laugh as loud, be as bold, and sit as well as her Mistress.

Had Logicians lived here first, Father and Son had never passed so long for Relatives. They are here Individuals, for no Demonstrance of Duty or Authority can distinguish them, as if they were created together, and not born successively. And as for your Mother, bidding her goodnight, and kissing her, is punctual blessing.

Your man shal be saucy, and you must not strike; if you do, he shall complain to the Schont, and perhaps have recompence. T is a dainty place to please boies in: for your Father shall bargain with your School-Master not to whip you: if he doth, he shall revenge it with his knife, and have Law for it.

Their apparel is civil enough and good enough: but very uncomely; and hath usually more stuffthan shape. Only their Huykes are commodious in winter: but tis to be lamented, that they have not wit enough to lay them by when summer comes.

Their women would have good faces if they did not mar them with making. Their Ear-wyers have so nipt in their Cheeks, that you would think some Faiery, to do them a mischief, had pincht them behind with Tongs. These they dress, as if they would shew you all their wit lay behind, and they needs would cover it. And thus ordered, they have much more forehead than face.

They love the English Gentry well; and when Souldiers come over to be billetted among them, they are Emulous in chusing of their guest, who fares much the better for being liked by his Hostess.

Men and Women are there starched so blew, that if they once grow old, you would verily believe you saw Winter walking up to the neck in a Barrel of Indigo: And therefore they rail at England for spending no more Blewing.

Your men among them is elseclad tolerably, unless he enclines to the Sea-fashion: and then are his breeches, yawning at the knees, as if they were about to swallow his legs unmercifully.

They are far there from going Naked, for of a whole woman you can see but half a face. As for her hand that shews her a sore Labourer; which you shall ever find as it were in recompence loaden with Rings to the cracking of her fingers. If you look lower Shee's a Monkey chain'd about the Middle, and had rather want it in diet, than not have silver links to hang her keyes in.

Their Gowns are fit to hide great Bellies, but they make them shew so unhansome that men do not care for getting them. Mary this you shall find to their commendation, their smocks are ever whiter than their skin.

Where the Women lyes in, the Ringle of the door does penance, and is lapped about with linnen, either to shew you that loud knocking may wake the child; Or else that for a moneth the Ring is not to be run at. But if the child be dead there is thrust out a Nosegay tyed to a sticks end; Perhaps for an emblem of the life of man, which may wither as soon as born; or else to let you know, that though these fade, upon their gathering, yet from the same stock the next year a new shoot may spring.

You may rail at us for often changing; but I assure you with them is a great deal more following the fashion; which they will plead for as the ignorant Laity for their faith. They will keep it because their Ancestors lived in it. Thus they will rather keep an old fault though they discover errors in it, than in an easiy change to meet a Certain Remedy. For their dyet, they eat much and spend little: when they set out a Fleet to the Indies, It shall live three moneths on the Offals, which we here fear would surfeit our swine: yet they feed on't, and are still the same Dutchmen.

In their houses Roots and stock-fish are staplecommodities. If they make a feast & ad flesh, they have art to keep it hot more daies, than a Pigs-head in Py Corner. Salt meats, and sowre Cream, they hold him a fool that loves not, only the last they correct with Sugar, and are not half so well pleased with having it sweet at first, as with letting it sowre that they may sweeten it again, as if a woman were not half so pleasing being easily won, as after a scolding fit she coms by man to be calm'd again.

Fish indeed they have brave and plentiful; and herein practice hath made them Cooks as good as ere Lucullus his latter Kitchin had, which is some recompence for their wilfulness, for you can neither pray nor buy them to alter their own Cookery.

To a feast they come readily, but being set once you must have patience. They are longer eating meat than we preparing it. If it be to supper you conclude timely when you get away by day-break. They drink down the evening Starre, and drink up the morning Starre. At those times it goes hard with a stranger, all in curtesie will be drinking to him, and all that do so he must pledge: till he doth, the fill'd Cupps circle round his Trencher, from whence they are not taken away till emptyed. For though they give you day for payment, yet they will not abate the sum.

They sit not there as we in England, men together, and women first, But ever intermingled with a man between; and instead of March panes, and such juncates, tis good Manners if any be there, to carry away a piece of Apple Py in your pocket.

The time they there spend, is in eating well, in drinking much, and prating most. For the truth is, the Compleatest drinker in Europe is your English Gallant. There is no such Consumer of liquor as the Quaffing off of his Healths. Time was the Dutch had the better of it; but of late he hath lost it by prating too long over his pot. He sips, and laughs, and tells his tale, and in a Tavern is more prodigal of his time, than his Wine. He drinks as if he were short winded; and as it were eates his drink by morsels, rather besieging his brains then assaulting them. But the English man charges home on the sudden, swallowes it whole, and like a hasty tide, fills, and flowes himself, till the mad brain swims, and tosses on the hasty fume. As if his Liver were burning out his stomach, and he striving to quench it, drowns it. So the one is drunk sooner, and the other longer. As if striving to recover the wager, the Dutchman would still be the perfectest soker.

In this Progress you have seen some of their Vices, now view a Fairer Object.