The Speech of Mijn Heir Snip Snap van Rugg, a Barber in Delph, and one of the States Generals: as it was deli­vered at the Hague, on the Feast of Innocents.

IT is now any time, this twenty years, that I have been a wit­nesse to all your politicall Trimmings; and let me tell you, without flattery, though their Frislings and Curlings were above the Pincers of my Conception, yet I was infinitely pleased at the craftinesse of their contexture: And upon no other account, My Lords, but because they were nine Points to the South-ward of my comprehension, which, as I am informed, is the only un­derstanding a la Mod. But as to the Question in debate, Whether it were better for us to have Peace or War with England? there [Page 3] lies the businesse. Certainly, My Lords, it would much con­duce to your satisfactions, to have the Dispositions of the People sounded: and that is to be had, either in a Mill, a Country Forge, or in a Barbers Shop in a Town. In my opinion, My Lords, the latter is to be dreferred, the other two being only Rendezvouses of Clowns: but that of the shaving Faculty, to my certain know­ledge, even in my own Theater, there is of all stations that resort there; nay, even from the Tarpalian, that has his Cox-comb rounged with a wooden dish, to the Spruce Gallant, whose Ant­lers are starched with Gessimine: and without all doubt, those are the Water-fowl that continually flutters and dables in this our plantation of soused clods. But, My Lords, not to keep you up from my intended discovery of their present inclinations, I shall briefly relate the Observations I made in the last three Saturdayes Dressings, not forgetting the Humors of the Jews on the preceed­ing Fridayes: and in order to the Discipline of the House, whilst some are wet, and others shaving, the Clash was held up with these raskally ingredients that supports the confusion of a Common­wealth. The first that broke the yee, was Dick the Snyder of Delph, a worshipfull Botcher, that has taken the length of Usurers feet, but still within the limits of clouting Stockings. This same Fellow, I say, with a dark hollow voice, and a great discontented belch, declared his aversion to thir preparations of a War with England: for, saith he, those who are most concerned to defray the expense of the War, are these who are least concerned in the Quarrell. Must all the Commons of the seven Provinces be pin­ched, to maintain the vanity and avarice of the East and West India Companies: and against a Neighbour and Benefactor, who re­deemed us both from the Name of Rebels, and the contemptible Title of, The low and distressed States of Holland? No, no, Heavens forbid we should be such ingrate wretches. This was no sooner said, but Yerk the Cobler swore (by the Keistril of Cri­spine) that all his brother Botcher had said was true. And besides, consider, when Dunkirk, Ostend and Newport were upon our Nose, what difficulties we were at in the point of Trade, and what charges for Convoys. I pray, what will it be when all the Coast-Towns of England are such, with the advantage of a Fleet-Royal [Page 4] all the dayes of the year to protect them. Its true, no place can well subsist plentifully without Trade; yet England has, and can subsist, when there is no Trade at all. Its far otherwise with us, for the least obstrnction of Trade cuts us off from naturall subsi­stence; For our Countrie, of it self, yeelds scarce so much Grain as will nurse Anxv Maria Shurmans Poultry: and for the fishing that's of our own property, except some accidentall peeks of Prans and a few muddy Eels, we have nothing but at the discretion of Neighbours. Its true, there is a proportion of Butter and Cheese, but not to feed the ten thousand mouth. The Cobler had no sooner spoke, when straight an aged Brocker, formerly a Professor of History at Loydan, with staring eyes, and a bellowing voice, assented to all what was said; only he was displeased, that she who was the ornament of the Low-dutch Learning, should be compared to Hen-wives; which Wives (in other parts of the world) has the rank reputation of Witches. However, the good old Mans choller was soon allayed, being the comparison flowed from illiterate Bruits: but withall, very gravely, after he had stroaked down his breast and beard, he held forth as followeth; I remember, Neighbours, eighty years agoe, when this Common­wealth, before it bulged to the dreadfull Title of Hoggin Moggin, had no other repute but that of a despicable crew of fish Hamelets, and might have continued so, if at the same juncture of time they had not met with the Novelties and Followers of some Runagado-Ecclesiasticks, which gave both life and being to our rebellious Foundation. About the same time, I say, they report, that, as Philip the second being in a dumpish mood about this Revolt, there was a State-projector very formally addressed himself to his Majesty, and advised him, never to enterprise the reducing of us by a Land-war, but convert all his force for the constant enter­tainment of an hundred Friggats, and so crush our Trading: and this he made appear to be no great task, considering the King had as many Towns great and small, that one with another could de­fray the expence of the design easily. As the Broker was upon this discourse, I was just circumstexing the whiskers of a hot-headed Dantzick Farder, when upon a sudden the Angry Copman sprung out of my grips, and swore by all the Tarr in the East, and the [Page 5] great Pudding of Spruce, that whoever he was gave that advice to the Spaniard, behoved to be a Jesuiter, in regard it had so pernicious a consequence. And if the King of Brittain light upon the same design, as he may much more easily do, the want of Trade to such a multitude of mouths, would speedily render us miserable. He was going to enlarge upon the subject, but the authority of the reverend Broker procured liberty and attention to return to his discourse: so he continued. This counsell, as I told you, of the Policy-monger of State, was most attentively liste­ned to by Don Phillipilio, insomuch that he not only stroskt up his Bigots, but witnessed his satisfaction with three extraordinary Prudentiall Nods: and haply the motion might have taken effect, if the Duke of Parma at that time had not been at Court, accom­panied with all the War-like Nobility both of Italy and Spain; that were drunk with hunting after Land-glory: Besides, its thought the King was indifferent; and having his Treasures com­ing tumbling from the Indies, he thought he could not distribute it better than by erecting a School of War in Flanders, to breed Officers for his other Conquests. And let me tell you, Neighbours, it was no small support to our new patched up Republick, that this same Southern Monarch was the envy of the Northern parts of the world; for by most he was regarded as the fiercest of the whose bunch of Antichrists, Dragon heads: and such was the zeal of the mortified Ladies, that no reformed Gallant could be enter­tained in his amours, unlesse he had served three Campagnias in Holland, and brought away nine hairs of the Mustachoes of a Castilian Diego as a Trophee of his valour.

Our Broker was again interrupted by a little Tersell of a Levite, who all this while was tuning my Daughters Cittern to the Notes of a Geneva Jigg: And after he had, in a great passion, flung his Water-camlote Cloak under his Arme, he began and roared against all what had passed, alledging that they intended nothing, but to lessen the strength and reputation of the Pious and Godly States, that was the great receptacle of all tender consciences. He had scarce uttered these words, when upon a sudden, a School-master took him up, and said, Novimus & quite: My life upon it, that you and some of the Scots non-conforme Brethren has been knead­ing [Page 6] Lectures together at Skeedames-dyke. Like enough it has been so, said a Black-smith; for his flattering strain speaks no lesse. What? replyes a Scrivener, are these the companions are so nim­ble at making of Garden-knots? The very same, sayes a Cutler; For, put me half a score of these fellows in a peaceable Kingdome, and though there be a Garison in every Family, yet they shall work mutiny up to that height, that nothing but the steel edge of a broad Sword is able to charm it. All what you say is most certain, saith the Broker, and if the rest of the hotch-potch Religions, to whom we give shelter, were as contentiously disposed as they, our Common-wealth had been long since split: But thanks to our Sum­mum bonum of refined cheating and black usury, that keeps un­der hatchets the zeal of all other professions, Now when I speak of Religions in that point, we are wretched; for, by most part of the world, we are in the Category of Jews and Infidels, especi­ally our East and West India Companies, who for the most part, are profest enemies of Christ, which, in this our Engagement with England, may unhappily stand in our way; for it's not to be sup­posed, that his Christian Majesty, who is the only probable Prince in the world, to enterprise a Croysada, that ever he will counte­nance a tribe of Hebrews, to advance the standart of Circumcision. At the hearing of this, out springs a Greenland Swaber, and swore by all the blubber that grows on a fat Whales jowle, that rather then Fadderland should be in jeopardy, he would yet again kindle his courage with Brandy for its defence. Fadderland replyes an Inland Bumpkin, there is none of you that inhabites Towns can pretend any thing that way, there being none of you all can say your Grand-father was a Hollander. It is most true, cryes another Clown; for it is we only can claim that right, and you are no other then so many Paddock-stools or Mushromes, issued out of the steam of a Dung-hill, as French Angelots hatches Magots. I am apt to believe that, saith a Cowper; for my father was a Swine-herd in West Phalia: And, because my mother entertained unnaturall jealousies, he was forced to come here for protection. And mine, saith a Gold-smith, was a Tinker in Sweden; but one time, for his divertisment, as he was transmuting the natural mettal of the Coun­try into silver, whereon he was engraving the King's Image, he was [Page 7] forced to flie for a false Coyner, And my Grand-father, cryes a Skavinger, was a Frier of Etfoord in Germany; but, for scanda­lous toping of a Tailors Wife, he was forced to flee to Amsterdam, where he was preferred to be a Lay Elder. In good faith, saith a Glazier, I am of the opinion, at best, that all our forebearers with­in two generations, were either Criminalls, Runagadoes, or Ban­querupts; for my father was Cash-keeper to a Genowes Banquier: But in regard the ballancing of accounts did not hit, he was forced to change both Climate and Religion, All that is nothing, quoth an old toothlesse Furrier, and therefore listen to what I say; for, though I mumble my words out of a heard like a Mavise-nest, yet my mouth is not so muzelled with Morpions, but I can make it ap­pear in the teeth of the greatest Virtuosi, that Reucks, Cheats, and Trippanners are the only ingredients to compose such a Com­mon-wealth as ours, whose greatest subsistence depends upon the ruine of Neighbours. Say you so, saith a Traveller? Then it is high time for me to shift so pestilentions an air.

This, My Lords, was the summe of the observations I made among my Christian Clyants: My Jewish Customers again were a little more close, yet I overheard one say to another, that he much doubted the successe of the War, since the King of Brittain con­cerned Himself so vigorously, and that the strength of an English Monarch is unknown, when he is likewise Soveraign of the affecti­ons and concurrence of His People, as it was now the case of His present Majesty: And which is worst of all, there seems to be a per­fect understanding 'twixt him and the French King. Why then, replyes the other, in such cases the States should breath the veins of their Tunnes of Skat, and bleed among their Courtiers. Tush saith the other, these knacks are to be done with Bashawes at Con­stantinople, or in republicks like Venice or Geneva, or in the Mino­rity of a King: But believe me, it's dangerous to be found tripping with two such clear-sighted Princes as these of England and France; besides, their Courtiers are (of late) become such nice Christians, that they will hardly touch Holland cash, for fear it were deep­ly mixed, and stunck of our usurious and circumcised Purchase. This is all, My Lords, I heard among our Talmudicall friends: I am informed that if your Wisdomes would appoint Emissaries to [Page 8] frequent the Skie Skooles up de Burgwall, and there you will find News and State matters as gravely debated in the time whilst they are plumping, as they are at London, in these houses where they stew their eyes and noses with the vapour of Coffee. I am afraid, My Lords, that I have trespassed upon your pickled patience; for I hear the clink of the Hair groat bell, and it being now high time to skaffe up, your Worships will dispense with your humble Beads-man.