I Am so far from not believing you (as you say) a Merry Fellow, that I am desirous to dispossess all from that belief, from the relation you claim to a Beggar; and those sins you secretly exclaim against, which have registred you in the number of Cripples; but give me leave to tell you, you are more merrily dispos'd than the gravity of your Function can allow of. I do not see wherein you can further contribute to the jolly blush of your cheeks, than what you have done; had you been so much a lover of that pottage you pretend, you would have lookt more like a milksop than you do: I like the man that carries in his face the tincture of that bloody banner he fights under, and would not have any mans countenance prove so much an Hypocrite to cross a French Proverb:
I am sorry you discover the worst symptome of a bad nature in your disrespect to Musick; if that excellent Philosopher spake true, he cannot be inclin'd to Virtue, that is not a lover of Harmony: And yet I perceive you are no enemy to Psalm-tunes well whistled; I pretend to no skill therein, wherefore I shall leave it to your judgment; it may be for the tunes sake you admire the Psalms too, so compos'd as if Hopkins had design'd therein to justle out the Lyturgie.
And now Sir, with a bob at Hierarchy, you come to a good King for your money; I hope you do not intend thereby to revive the old trade of King-selling; but let that pass, and let us see what account you give of his Majesties Declaration: but hold, I must traduce my observations on yours with this digression. The Gentleman, who read your Letter to the [Page 5]Company, wherein I was, had run over three Pages; but coming to that place, wherein you gave so exact an Account of the hour of the Day, by Mortals Maws yawning for Morsels, and how much concern'd your own were, in the pains you took your self, for their speedy satisfaction, I had then a brimmer of Claret at my Mouth; though that was full, my ears were open, & some small-head Louse enter'd, which tickled them so Violently, that being forced into a Laughter, open flew the floodgates of my Chops, and drowned the Eyes of my gentle Reader with Claret; this un-advised Laughter made his Eyes look Blood-shot, and his Band lookt as if it had been washt in the Red-Sea; not knowing how to take this accident, he askt, What might occasion this my strange disorder; I could not so compose my self, but my Answer was interrupted several times with Laughing; so that brokenly, I told him, that my fancy was fixt strongly on the Doctors posture, as he sate holding the Pan over the fire; somtimes I resembled him to the hungry Ghost of Fryer Bacon; [Page 6]somtimes a New-England grave Elder, who as he turn'd the Herrings, did patiently suffer the sparks of persecution to flie about him unconcern'd, so that the appetite of Carnal satisfaction might have no cause to complain; but that which mov'd me most to laughter, was, the consideration of this Carnal mans fearful desertion; that that man, who was accustomed after the outragious heats of the Pulpit were over, to be immediatly put to Bed, with nine Caps to keep in his remaining Wit (too fleet of foot) and a quart of Muld Sack to lull him asleep, now to be left alone to the fury of a sputtering frying-pan, without the commiseration of a tender — hearted Petticoat. However I am sorry for your slender attendance, and your being coursly dealt withall as to a Table-cloath; look not on't as any great penance, to have your Table cover'd with an Horse-cloath, since it may be, at that very time when it belong'd to your Horse, many Houses of God were then turn'd into Stables. But why so angry Dr. with the Bishops? What, is it because your Sleeves are not of the same [Page 7]complexion with theirs; if so, we have cause to believe that Holland hath rais'd all this difference; 'tis thought Father— mouth, with a Bishoprick, had been silenc'd for ever railing so bitterly against the Prelats; but I have more charity for you, than to believe that the wind of Profit can blow your Weather-cock where it list. And now I must commend your manners in lowring your Top-sale to the Kings Arms; sure 'twas no Steeple-crown'd Hat you wear, having an aversion to Steeples, and therefore have left them with the Ropes to the Sons of our Church, for which I must Ring you a peal, for stiling our Reverend Clergy Jack-daws, with other foul reflections, as if you intended to write your good old cause in Masquerade. What? upon the merry pin again, here's laughing with all my heart, but at what I pray? His Majesties Declaration shorne, or clipt, and looking like a poll'd Amsterdam Divine, or one of the Geneva Cut; sure Sir, me-thinks this object should be so far from procuring laughter in you, that it should rather extract tears from the remembrance of [Page 8]your Quondam Brethrens Sufferings, whose Busie-Heads, and sawcy Tongues, were chastiz'd by the loss of their Ears; I hope yours ere long will lye more open to a better understanding. But now lets see what he observes in this Declaration: Why he acknowledgeth 'tis all goodness to their Party; then why do you thus snarle Mr. Dr? Since the Royal Clemency hath given both you, & us, his leave to choose our way to our Everlasting Rest; let us not Justle one the other by the way, since we are all mixt (as in the Ark) together, let us not dispute who are the Cleane, and who the Ʋnclean. And now give me leave to Laugh too; I perceive, you highly applaude the Month of March, for introducing your Years of Jubilee, the Fifteenth of that Month you esteem above all other Holy-Days; from whence I observe, that though you slight those the Church hath injoyn'd us to observe, yet you will not neglect the observance of one of your own making. But whither do I Ramble? Hold, let me see; what feats of Activity the Dr. hath learn'd; Bartholomew Fair, is not far off: 'tis well he begins to practise, and may act his [Page 9]well for ought I know; since he confesseth himself as nimble as the Gentleman that Dances on the High Rope; dancing on the High Rope is improper; yet though he is ignorant of the terms, he may better come to understand the Rope hereafter. And are you then so nimble? Had you been troubled with the Kings-Evill, it might have been stroak'd out of you; but of all the Remedies I have read of, that of a Plaister of Liberty of Conscience, applied hot to the Patient, is, I find the most speedy cure for a Gouty Distemper. This digression had like to have made me forget what account he gives of his Minister, a pious, and prudent Man, and discovers no grimace's at the Lyturgie, as if he were drinking a Potion, nor in his Sermons make's other make [...]faces as if he were giving them one. It is well that this good Gentlemans Face is not rumpled as most of his Brethrens are, by drawing their mouths this way and that way, and opening their Jaws so wide, as if they would swallow the Lid of the Pulpit, and then suddainly shut them, as if they were snapping at Flies. Doctor, you may be ignorant of the Carriage & ridiculous Gestures of [Page 10]some of your Brethren in their Sermons, and therefore be pleas'd to mind in the concluding of this Pamphlet, what I lately observ'd in one of your Congregations.
At last to conclude, you say mocking is catching, and that there is Dirt enough in every street to be dawb one another with; 'tis very true, and I am very sorry you flung the first Handful; you may be pelted with enough, if all were of a mind. The discharging of your Gun, in Garrison, at this unseasonable time, ought to Alarum the Vigilent to stand upon their Guard; have a care of over-charging your Blunderbuss, it may one time or other put your Shoulder out. Rail against the Pope as long as you please, it is safe enough, being far enough off; no Language is too bad for him, call him Crafty Knave (for he goes by several Names) 'tis all one to me; but trample not on the Ashes of the Reverend Prelates, lately deceas'd; nor do not go about to extenuate the Light, of those glorious Lamps, that in spite of Hell, will shine eminently in our Churches: