An Account of the Arraignment, Tryal, Escape, and Condemnation, of the DOG of Heriot's Hospital in Scotland, that was supposed to have been Hang'd, but did at last slip the Halter.


KNowing that you are disirous to hear newes from Scotland, I thought fit to show you that that Act wherby all publick Officers are obleadged to take the Test, is rigorowsly put in exe­cutione, and therby many persons baith in Kirk and State, throughout the hall [...] Kingdome, by reasone they are not free to take the said Test, are Incoutlnently turned out of ther places, whilk severitie gave occasione to a wheen Loun Ladd's belonging to the hospittal of Hariots Buildings in Edenbrough, to divert themselves with somewhat like the following Tragi-Commedy.

The Lounes it seems fell intil a debate amongist themselves, whither or no, ane Mastiffe Tyke, who keept the outmost gate, might not by reasone of his Office of Trust, come within the compasse of the Act, and swa, be obleadged to take the Test, or be turned out of his place,

(The Tyke therupon was called, and interrogat, whither he wold take the Test, or run the hazard of forfaulting his Office, whilk was asked again, and again.

The silly Curr boding no ill, answered all their Queries with silence, whill [...] had been registrat as a flat refusal, had not on of the Lounes, mair bald then the rest, taken upon him to be his Advocat, who standing up, pleaded that silence might as wel be interpreted assent, as refusal, and therupon insisted, that it might be tendered to him in a way maist plausible, and in a poustar maist agreeable to his stomack.

This Debat lasted not long, until all agreed, that ane Printed Copy should be thrumbled of as little boulke as it could, and therafter smured over with Tallow, Butter, or what else might make maist temp­ing to his appetit; this done, he readiely took it, and after he had made a shift, by rowing it up and down his mouth, to separat what was pleasant to his pallat, and when all seemed to be over, on a sudden they observed somehat (ilke piece after another) droped out of his Mouth, qwhilk the Advocats on the other side said it was the Test, and that all his irksome champing and chowing of it, was only, if possi­ble, to seperat the concomitant nutriment, and that this was mikel worse then an flat refusal, and gif it were rightly examined, would upon Tryal be sound no less then Leiseing-making.

To this his Advocat opponed, That his Enemies having the rowing of it up, might perhaps (through deadly spite) have put some crooked prin intil it, and that all the su [...]ling and rowing of it up and down his mouth, might be by reason of the prin, and not through any scu [...]ering at the Test it self, and that ther was nought in the hail matter, that looked like Leiseing-making, except by interpretation, and his Adversaries allowed to be the only Interpreters. Yea, what was mair offered, that his Client should have a fair Tryal before competent Judges, qwhilk was unanimously granted.

A Court therupon being convocat, ane assize constitut, the Indictment being read, ther fell out warm pleading upon baith sides, amongst the Advocats, those against him pleaded, that he was [...] to take so mikel upon him, and that the chaming and cherking of the Test belonged nought to him, nor to none like him, who served only in inferior Offices, and that his trust and power reached nought so far, and by what he had done, he had made himself guilty of mair nor a bare refusal, according as was Libel­led. Those for him pleaded, That he could be guilty of nather, since he had freely taken it in his Mouth, willing to have swallowed it down, and that ther was no fault in him, bot in its self, that it passed not, since it fell a sqwabeling, one part of it hindering another fighting in his halfe, and if wold have agreed in its self, to have gone down all one way, he wold blaithly swallowed it, as he had done many untouthsome morsel before, as is well known to all the Court, ane other pleaded, that he had officiat very dutifully, and was niver known to balk his Trust: bot that was answered with this, all his former good Service could not excuse his present guilt; guilt qwoth an other, if that be guilt, he hath many marrows, and why should he be worse handled then all the rest? bot what ever could be said in his favors, when the busi­ness came to the Jury, they found that he had so mangled the Test with his explanatory tongue and teeth, and swa misleardly abused it with his slaver, that it was right soon agreed upon, to be at least Interpreta­tive-Treason, and consequently brought him in guilty of Leiseing-making. Wherupon he was ordered to close Prison, till ane other time, that the Court call him forth to receive his doom, to be hanged like a Dog.

(As the Lounes was removing him from Court to Prison, ther chanced a Curat to be present, who ask­ed, what was the matter, what ailed them at the Dog? one of the Limmers answered, That he being in publick Trust, was reqwired to take the Test, and had both refused it, and abused it, wherupon he was to be hanged; the Curat storming, said, They deserve all to be hanged for such presumptuous mockery; the Lounes laughing aloud, cryed out with one consent, That he and his Brethren deserved better to be hanged, then any of them, or the Tyke eather, smoe they had swallowed that which the Tyke had re­fused.

This surpriseing Verdict, you may be sure, created no small grumbling of the gussorne with the Advocats and others, who spared not to utter ther private sentiments, and blaze abroad the Arguments Pro, and Con, and what further might have been homolagating, had not the Court haisted to have the Tykes Life, take a few of them as they come to hand.

Some suspected deadly fewd in the Chanselor of the Jury, alleadging that ane Enemy was not fit to be a Judg, this was answered with, that he was of more Noble Extract, then to stain his Honor with so base an Act, and that his own Reputation wold make him favored; an other objected, that a Tykes refusing so good a Test, might be of ill example to Creatures of better reason; to this a pakie Loun answered, That it could not be good, since Lyon Rampant, King of Tykes, nor none of his Royal Kine, wold not so much as lay ther Lips to it, far less to swallow it, and therfore,—this was interrupted by on, who was a principal Limmer among them (a contradiction reconciler) who wold needs help him with a Logical distinction, wherby he like ane Aberdeens man, might Cant and Recant again.

Bot he was soon snibed by another, who said, That the Tyke wold nather sup Kail with the Div'l, nor the Pope, and therfore needed not his long Spoon; well said ane other, this is mair nor needs, since we [Page] are all sure that the Tyke cold not have kept his Office so long, bot he most needs have swallowed many a buttered Bur before this time, and it was bot gaping a little wider, and she hazard was over. Nay, qwoth his Nighbour, the hazard was greater then ye imagine, for the Test, as it was rowed up, had ma­ny plyes and implications in it, one contrary to another, and swa the Tyke might have been qucikened ere it had been all over, ilk ply as it were rancountering another wresling and fighting in his [...]ass.

Prait, quoth an other, this [...]ast Apologie is needless, since the Tyke hath (in my opinion) swallowed the better part, if not the hail Test, though I most confess, he hath vomited it up again, let us therfore try him, if like a Dog he will lick up his own vomit, bot this project was universally rejected, bait by the maist charitable, as bo [...]tless, and by the mair severe, as to great a favor.

Favor (qwoth a Chield, who had been sk [...]eping all the while, and only heard the word favor) what, show favor to such a Loun as he? na, rather let him who hath the longest Arm, thrust it so far down his Throat, so that an other may pull it out at his Tail, then be thus [...]sht with him, though he were my own Brother, and then we may be sure he hath taken it, and all the parts of it; bot this only moved Laughter, for none was found that wold undergo so foulsome a hazard.

But to return to the Tyke, for some will be curious, to hear what came of him, matters being th [...] precipitat, and all hopes of reprieve uncertain. A Wylie Loun advised him to lay by the Sheeps (which had done him so little good) and put on the Foxes skin, who covertly through fear, hiding his own t [...] between his Legs, and griping an others train, passed through all the Gates undiscovered, and swa is a missing.

This be was forc'd, when right did fail
To give them the flap with a Foxes Tail.

Now what is become of him sine syne, and what proclaimations was issued out after him, you may pro­bably hear hereafter.

Mean while, because the contradiction reconciler was so soon (contrary to the Laws of disputation) interrupted, before he could bring forth his Logical distinction; and since the curious have sorely tortured ther Ingines, searching which of the Schoal nicitie that might; I shall only trouble you with a few of ther conjectures, and leave it to the Judgment of the Learn'd to determine, which had been maist suitable.

One fancied that it was this, that the Tyke might take the Test, Secundum Quid, though not Simplici­ter, ane other, in sensu diviso, though not in sensu composito, a third, that though it was deadly to take it with verbal interpretatione, yet it might be safe enough, with mental reservatione, a fourth, be thought him on this, that though his stomoch did stand at it, in s [...]nsus [...]urivoco, yet might easily digest it in sensu & aequivoco; a fifth, (gerning the while) was for this, that it might take it, though not formaliter, in at his mouth, by way of Potion or Bolus, yet fundamentaliter in at this bottome, by way of Glister or Suppository? a sixth, brought forth this blind whely, that it might he safely taken, In veheculo caecae obedintiae, bot could not think on the other member of the distinction; and some said it had none, the times when it was used being so ignorant and unintentive; a seventh, who thought all the former distinctions too subtil and airie, and that which was bred in the bone went niver out of the flesh, except by more severe Medecins, then was yet tried, proponed, an admirable compound to be used, as an excellent preperative to the Test, al­leadging, that all those needless scroupolosities did proceed from these ill humors, which could not be ex­pelled, without the total evacuation of Christianity; the Receipt, as it was transcribed out of the Packet of Advice from Rome, take as follows, from the Laboratory of the Inquisition, June 22.

After many Years pains and study, a niver failing Medicine, called a Catholique Pill, to purge out Christianity, approved by the most Learned Fathers in Spain, Italy, and other places; the true Receipt is as follows,

Receipt Take [...] pound weight of [...]-Ignorance, as many Drhames of Monckish Devotion as you can get, half a score of planary Indulgences, and a douson of well conceived Equivocations, Venial Sins, as many as you please, and a pocket full of Dispensations, boil all these in a Jesuits Brain pan, and add therto, of the Doctrine of probable Opinions, and of Seminary Priests Loyalty, quantum sufficit, after fermentation Clape in Nine Mira­cles prepared, secun dum artem, by the Assigns of Father Cressy, to give it a Tincture, sprinkle a small dash of Pennance, and wrap up the whole mass in the Popes Infalibility, and take it blindfold in a Cup of Absolution, at any time of Life, bot especially at the hour of Death, and it will do your bussiness. The Operation is downward, or infernal, carying all humors that way. It is also Opiat, or stupifying, because after a sufficient Dose of it, you may swallow any Malignity whatsomever, without any hazard of griping. Probatum est.’

—Ridendo dicere verum,
Quid vitatJuven.

Now Sir, The news of the Tykes escape being blazed abroad, the Court assembleth to consult, what, was then anent to be done, several overtures was proponed; one said, that the affronting escape, and o­ther misdemeanors of that Tyke, was so great, that the highest severity was too little, an other said, fine he is gone, let him go, what have we more to do, bot put another in his place; a third said, that his presumptuous and treasonable carriage, wold be of ill example to others, unless due punishment followed therupon; a fourth said, had he not been confident of his own Innocency, he wold niver have byden a Tryal, and sine he met with such a surprising Verdict, what could he do less, then flee for his Life? wold not the best in the Court, if he had been in his Circumstances, done the like; a fifth said, if he had been condemned, and hanged in time, he had not played us this prank, bot seeing we have missed him­self, let us seaze well on what he hath left behind him. After debating, they came to a conclusion, and ordered the s [...]im to be Published; the Tenor whereof follows,

Whereas ane cutt lugged, brounish coloured Mastiff Tyke, called Watch, short leged, and of low stature; who being in Office of Publick Trust, was required to take the Test, and when it was lawfully tendered to him, he so abused it, and mangled it: wherupon he, after due Tryal for his Presumption, was Convict of Treason, and sincesyn hath broken Prison, wherupon the Court ad­judges him, To be hanged like a Dog, whenever he shall be apprehended; and in the mean time, de­clares his Office, his hail Estat heiratable and moveable, and all causualties belonging to him, to be Echeated and forfaulted, and Ordeans the Colectors of the Court to uplift his Rents and Cau­sualties, and to be countable to the Court, both for diligence and intermisson, and also discharges all persons to reset or harbor the Fugitive Trator, and likeways, gives assurance to all persons, who shall eather apprehend him, or give true information of him, swa that therupon he bees apprehended, the person swa doing, shall have 500 l. for his pains, given at our Court, &c.

London, Printed for the Author, M. D. 1682.

This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal. The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission.