Your paſſion, Momus, is raiſed too high; your Choler is all a fire. The Phyſician, if conſulted, would adviſe to take away a good quantity of Blood; for doubtleſs you have the higheſt Inflammation of it that ever was known. This is not like a common Heart-burning: Unleſs it be your Temper, as they ſay of the Salamander, to live in the Fire, you would certainly conſume your ſelf with ſo intenſe a degree of Heat. Indeed you muſt cool a little, or elſe there can be no diſcourſing with you.

For once, Philiater, I'll try to conquer my ſelf in ſome meaſure. In a violent Storm, I confeſs, it is prudent to take down the Sails, leſt the Veſſel be overſett: The Rudder, I know, can be of no uſe in a Hurricane; Therefore let the Winds ceaſe their Fury; the Sea grow calm again as ſoon as you will, and you ſhall find me guide my Diſcourſe like an experienced and skilful Pilot. And without any further Simile's of Fire or Water, or any thing elſe, I will eaſily ſatisfie any intelligent Judge, why I writ the ſaid Book you are ſo much offended at.

Know then, that when I came to this Town to practiſe, I neglected the entring my ſelf into the College, as you call it. I expected at firſt to be courted and ſought to by them, as knowing my own Worth, and the Excellency of my Education above that of any the beſt of the Members of this ſame College; and therefore it would have been an Honour to them, and a great condeſcenſion in me, to have been admitted into the beſt Capacity among them. By degrees, as I grew into Fame and Renown, and ſo was called to the aſſiſtance of the better Sort (who will not be perſwaded to die without Conſulting more than one Phyſician, let his Name be never ſo famous, or his Skill never ſo great) there was a neceſſity of my meeting ſeveral of them one time or other, and I being a Stranger to them, they preſumed to tax me ever and anon whether I were of the College; now I being forced to anſwer ſtill in the Negative, they would often inſinuate this Foolery into my Patients ſick Head ſo far that I ſoon loſt by this means the ſqueezing many a wealthy Patient, and inſtead of becoming admired for my profound abilities, I was ſcoff'd at, and rejected, as being, forſooth, not of the College.

And why would you not ſubmit to the College's Examination, which is very candid and gentile, I am ſure; by the undergoing of which, you might eaſily have avoided that exception, and been Hail fellow well met, with thoſe naughty Inquirers?

It is a Book that I ſhall never be aſhamed of. Suſpend your Verdict upon thoſe Writings, until you have peruſed them twice, and then if diſreliſhing, diſhering, falſe or contradicting, to give your ſelf the trouble of letting me know my Errors in the Senſe of them. But that my further duty may not prove a regret to me, the anſwering of ſuch deſires in latin will oblige me to remain, Courteous reader, your Humble Servant. preface.

Peruſe them twice! I would not be condemn'd to ſuch a miſerable drudgery for many a Piſtole. He that reads them once, and underſtands what he does, will have enough and enough of them, I'll warrant him. Young men eſpecially, I would warn to have a care of theſe Writings; and that they may take the more warning, I'll give them a ſmall taſte of the Ocean they will there meet with in his Natural Philoſophy.

'Twas great pity therefore that you ſhould never have read Lilly's Qui mihi. There are notable Documents in it. But we ſee what a man may come to, when left to himſelf betimes. You brought forth a thick Quarto at the very firſt attempt! But how came you ever ſince to ſpawn nothing but Duodecimo's, and Sexageſimo's? Sure you found that you had ill luck with Quarto's, otherwiſe we could not have miſs'd a Folio all this time.

I do take that Quarto to be the Glory of all my Writings. It was writ like a Philoſopher in earneſt. And they, who peruſed it twice, as I adviſed them, could not but eaſily perceive that I could have writ Folio's enough, if I had thought fit. My chiefeſt deſign ever ſince the ſeventeenth Year of my Age, when I had juſt finiſh'd my courſe in Phyſick, and taken my laſt Degree (Oh brave boys!) conſiſted in elaborating ſuch demonſtrations in Natural Philoſophy, as might ſerve to unfold the nature of Beings in relation to the Art of Phyſick, hitherto ſo uncertain, blind and unfounded on Art, that I dare confidently aſſert, &c. ibid. Pref.

Hold, or you'll make me to work 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 . A little at a time, I beſeech you. A man may eaſily ſurfeit of your demonſtrations, they are ſo hard of concoction, and apt to lie upon the Stomach. And beſides, if we take too much of them, we ſhall have no room for the Banquet that lies before us, the principal deſign of our preſent meeting. You are a man of as much might in elaborating demonſtrations, as Don Quixot was at encountering Giants and Wind-mills. You are no leſs than a Knight Errant in Phyſick, given to vaſt and daring deſigns, and as bold as blind Bayard, at the unfolding the nature of Beings, hitherto (God bleſs us) ſo blind and uncertain, until all-ſeeing Bayard dares confidently aſſert, what in his Wiſdom and deep Politicks he ſhall think fit. It is in troth a thouſand pities that every conceited ſoft-head ſhould thus be ſuffered to venture upon removing Mountains ſo much above their ſtrength, or to elaborate demonſtrations in Natural Philoſophy. You ſoared at high and lofty matters from the year you were abſolutely ſpoil'd in, the ſeventeenth year of your Age, for ever afterwards; and from Puer imi ſubſellu in the Phyſick-Schools, from receiving Dictates to day, nothing forſooth can content your ambitious mind, but the being Doctor in Cathedrâ, the teaching your Maſters to morrow. Remember the Fate of young Icarus, who would not be perſwaded to hearken unto good Counſel. He flew high, as well as you in your younger days. But what came of it? His wings were ſoon melted by the heat of the Sun, as yours are like to be by any little Degree of heat, by way of anſwer. Why the young man whilſt he is alive ſinks down into the water, and is drowned, as you have it before, to the juſt terror of over-forward Youths, who ſhall aſpire at ſuch high matters, as to teach Cicero to perform the part of an Orator, Hannibal the Art of War, or even Ariſtotle how to define Nature, or Grave Profeſſors any thing elſe in relation to the Art of Phyſick, or the Science of Natural Philoſophy.

You may ſave your labour, and counſel thoſe that will hearken to you. But will you take ſo little notice of a Book of that magnitude? It is worth your Peruſal more than you are aware.

Well, if we muſt loſe ſome more time, let us have your opinion of the Divines, which made way for your New Natural Theology.

The Divines heavy dull imaginations hallucinating in the appearance of the Scriptures, like ſeveral eyes in apparent objects of the Sky, ſome framing this, others that likeneſs of them. I am not now to be confirmed in my belief that the worſt of Atheiſm is latent in many ſuppoſed Divines, their ſiniſter ends, cheats, and vile ſecret paſſions of the fleſh, betraying their Hypocriſy. Certainly, were I to pick (out of my own Profeſſion) ſome that were to ſurmount all others in wickedneſs, I ſhould not need long time to ponder upon my Verdict. Pref. You ſee I am not afraid to ſhoot my Bolt at them too, for their heavy dull Sentiments in Theology. They do confound their ſmall relicks of Natural Faith into a deteſtable Atheiſm, however cloathed with a diſſembled time-holineſs under their dark habits, to feed their covetouſneſs out of their Benefices. Ibid.

Some Phyſicaſters by reputing themſelves Virtuoſo's, Mathematicians, Philoſophers, and witty Cracks, have inſinuated this Enthymeme to the Commonalty, that therefore they muſt neceſſarily arrive to the top of their Profeſſion; for ſince their porous Brain was capable to imbibe ſuch knotty Myſteries, it's not improbable, they might much eaſier ſuck up the quinteſſence of the Art of Medicine. To this Category belong'd that famed Doctor of Norwich, who being Poſted away from his Houſe with a Coach and Four, to a ſick Gentleman, &c. p. 49.

Do thoſe Phyſicaſters repute themſelves Virtuoſo's, Mathematicians &c. as wretched and pitiful Scriblers do repute themſelves good Writers? Or are not thoſe Virtuoſo's, Mathematicians, and Philoſophers, inſipidly called Phyſicaſters? The Virtuoſo, among all the reſt, that you pitch upon to fleer at is, forſooth, that famed Doctor of Norwich, the very man to whom you were ſo highly beholding for furniſhing you with that notable hint of Religio Philoſophi, taken plainly from that leading Card, Religio Medici. But it is not fair, that becauſe one excellent Phyſician, a man of ſenſe, did once write a Religio Medici, that therefore every Sylliton muſt follow the Example, and broach New Religions, or rather Irreligious Whimſies to the Worlds end. but why is it that you have ſuch an aking tooth at this ever-famous Doctor of Norwich, that City being ſeated ſo much out of the way, and at ſuch a diſtance from London? Certainly your mouth water'd at that Province for your Practice; and it is the more likely, becauſe you made two Stages of your Practice, in the way towards it, at Chelmsford, and at Ipſwich. Indeed you did not ſtay long in thoſe places, whether it were that you had ſome final innuendo's (as you call them) from the ill-affected Inhabitants to depart in peace from among them, or that it be the deſtiny of your troubleſome life to be always an Erratick Phyſicaſter, and upon the Travel, as it is ſaid ſome Phyſicians of old were; though the difference is great between their Travels and yours: the fame of thoſe old Phyſicians did cauſe them to be courted out of one Countrey into another, whereas the miſcarriages of New-fanglers, do make every Country think it a bleſſed riddance to part with 'em. And now let us conſider the pretty ſtory you tell of this Eminent Doctor. The catching a gawdy Butterfly made him loſe ſo much time, that the Patient was dead before he came. Here I obſerve that you make them hunt the Butterfly ſo long, that one would think they were rather hunting a wild Bore, or a ſturdy Stag, than a poor fluttering Butterfly. Again, the Coach-driver is made to have no more wit, than to leave his four Horſes to the wide World, and to go a hunting too over Hill and Dale, after the Fly: And what was the Patient's diſeaſe? A Syncopal Fit, or in plain Engliſh, a Swound. Do Syncopal Fits uſe to laſt ſo long, whilſt four Horſes can be harneſſed, and ſent to the Doctor, and his coming expected? You ſhew us here your great Skill in Diſeaſes. Syncope est praeceps omnium virium lapſus: A Swound is a ſudden failure of the Faculties, both Vital and Animal. The very Pulſe is gone, and the Perſon too for good and all, if there be not ſome Friends by to throw water in his Face, to lay him upon his Back, to pull him by the Hair, to wind his Fingers, and to give him ſome Cordial immediately. They are not to fold their hands, and be meer Spectators, waiting for the Doctor's Cordial, and Preſence. If they be ſo ſilly, the Gentleman will be as cold as Marble, long before the Doctor can come, let him poſte away as faſt as he will. Doubtleſs therefore the Doctor was ſent for, by way of prevention againſt the future, not to cure in all haſte the Syncopal Fit. So that, Momus, you have told a very likely Tale, and the Virtuoſi are like to ſuffer much by it.

The Mathematician you fling at, for getting the Reputation of a Great Phyſician upon that account, is really a very extraordinary Perſon, and deſervedly arrived to the very top of his Profeſſion; he has approved himſelf not only a Prime Phyſician, but a moſt Dextrous Surgeon, he is not only a moſt Acute Mathematician, but a man of univerſal Learning, and laſtly a moſt accompliſh'd Courtier, and every way very much a Gentleman. But becauſe your head is ſhallow, no body's elſe muſt have any depth; becauſe your Worm takes up ſuch a deal of room, Great Men muſt not be allowed one ſpare corner, even for the Mathematicks. Ariſtotle is ſaid to obſerve, that every idle Coxcomb can make a Philoſopher of one kind or other, but that only curious Wits are capable of learning to purpoſe thoſe Knotty Myſteries, the Mathematicks.

Philoſophers, and Philoſophy, are now-a-days a thing exceeding cheap and common, and though it were once an ineſtimable Jewel, yet it hath been ſo often counterfeited and abuſed by inſipid and fantaſtical Youngſters, ſcribling Books of Natural Philoſophy, that there are few of the Conclaviſts that will now ſo mightily contend for it. Yet there is one thing, wherein I cannot but acknowledge them very Great Philoſophers. They have for divers years undergone your inſolent Taunts, and vile Detractions, with a Philoſophical Patience, and Magnanimity, nay even with a kind of Stoical Inſenſibility, when they had Pens among them, which could put you to ſo much confuſion and ſhame; that if you have any ſenſe of Truth, Honeſty, or Honour, you could not avoid the more than half-hanging your ſelf, rather than undergo the torment they would put you to.

As for your Witty Cracks, we ſhall give you free leave (and take it kindly of you) to ingroſs the whole Monopoly of that Commodity to your ſelf, and your Cronies, if you have any. A Crack is a Common Shore of filth and naſtineſs, that hath loſt all ſenſe of ſhame or modeſty. She repreſents all good Men to be bad, and bad ſhe makes to be worſe than they are. She is made up of Lyes, Deceit and Hypocriſie; and take this for a Truth, Whatſoever ſhe ſays is falſe. Never believe her ſtories, though ſhe ſwears upon her Soul, or her Salvation, or though ſhe does (with you in your Preface) protest, and call Heaven to witneſs, to this Wheedle, or to that Untruth. And the wittier the Crack is, ſo much the more is ſhe to be avoided. For ſhe will pick your Pocket in her Embraces, and her Snares are hard to be diſcovered. She is a dangerous and infectious Creature, and let her paint, or mask it how ſhe will, ſhe'll at laſt make you to find by ſad, though late, Experience (as one of them once told a Gentleman of my Acquaintance, who taxed the Damoſel for unkindly giving him more than his due) that if you will fiſh, you muſt catch Frogs ſometimes. How came ſhe by it?

The only ſure way to eſcape the Infection of Witty Cracks, is the ſame we obſerve for avoiding the Plague, to fly before them, and not to come near them. For if you will dally and play about their Flame, think it no marvel if your wings be burnt ſome time or other, and at laſt you meet not with a gentle, but virulent and deſtructive Pox.

But alas! The heads of the Commonalty are apt to be intoxicated with Enthymems and Categories, or rather to be puzled with Fuſtian and Bombaſt. You tell them, in pure Nonſenſe, that the Phyſicaſter's porous Brain is thought capable to imbibe Knotty Myſteries, as if Knots were liquid, and the imbibing, or drinking Knots were as common as drinking the King's Health. And by the ſame Catachreſtical Metaphor they ſuck up the Quinteſſence of Medicine, whereas it is much ſafer for a Ninny to ſuck a Bull than to ſuck Medical Quinteſſences, becauſe they are ſo hot in the mouth. Now, Momus, you ſee what it is for half-witted people to meddle with Wit. Wit is a two-edged Tool, that Fools and Children are abſolutely forbid to play with. If they do, 'tis ten to one they cut their own fingers with it, before they have done.

You have been horrible tedious upon this Paragraph, and will tire a ſober Reader's Patience. I have great variety of divertiſing and curious paſſages for you, and you e'en run your ſelf out of breath upon one thing. Leave this light and whimſical Raillery, and you ſhall hear me preach ſerious and ſober Matter.

The field is ſo large and fruitful, that I cannot help expatiating in it. A tolerable good Phyſician will draw ſome good out of any ill Plant, and you are well acquainted with that trite Aphoriſm (though you know beſt, who made it an Aphoriſm) viz. that there is nothing ſo hurtful or poiſonous, be it Spider or Toad, but hath it's uſe. p. 97. And ſo you muſt give me leave to provide you ſome good and beneficial Inſtructions, though the Subject be never ſo bad. Why, every Paragraph could ſpin out into a laudable Duodecimo, or Sexageſimo, if there were not ſuch an abundance of new matter preſſing earneſtly for admittance. Therefore let us hear you preach ſome ſober ſerious buſineſs.

Thoſe who ſhall have liſted themſelves in the Service of the great God, and by aſſuming Orders, diſtinguiſh themſelves from the Laity; exerciſing that most honourable Function, by praying, preaching, and their exemplary Life and Converſation, to the glory of their great Maſter, and the ſaving of Souls from Perdition, thoſe I ſay that ſhall do this only for a time. &c. p. 57, 58.

Bleſs me! That ſuch good Words ſhould drop out of ſo foul a mouth! That a man who ſo lately profaned God's Prieſthood, and called the Divines Cheats, Hypocrites, and Atheiſts, ſhould now ſo ſtrangely transform himſelf into a precious Saint! that moſt honourable Function, the great God, their great Maſter, and the ſaving of Souls from Perdition: Theſe are very ſerious words, and ought not to be uſed in Maſquerade. Doubtleſs you would never have thus lifted up your Eyes to Heaven, proclaimed a Faſt, and made this Preachment; unleſs the murthering ſome man's Reputation were very near. Momus, this Nation has ſuffered too much already from the Intrigues and Deſigns, and the direful Effects of Hypocritical Canting. We ſhould as ſoon believe Hugh Peters Incarnate again, as give any credit to you, when you preach Godlineſs. But tell me, what miſchief is now upon the Anvil, and againſt whom?

It is againſt one, who (Scelus horrendum!) from the Divine Miniſtery, betook himſelf to the Exerciſe of Phyſick. Do you think that I (who could be heartily contented that there were no Phyſicians at all, and with whom it has been a Maxim a good while, The fewer Phyſicians the better:) think you that I can endure with Patience, that other Profeſſions ſhould thus dare to treſpaſs upon their Neighbours Copy-hold, or Fee? My Wrath riſes at ſuch men, let them be never ſo Learned.

You are much in the right, Momus, in what you ſaid laſt, yet it was much to the Glory of Caeſar, that he was ex utroque Caeſar, that be had both the Pen of an Excellent Orator, and could write curious Commentaries with it; and alſo that he had a keen and invincible Sword, with which he cut down all his Superiours, and eſtabliſhed himſelf in the Imperial Throne. The Soul and the Body are linked together in a moſt ſtrict Union, and in all likelihood the Phyſicians of the Soul have full as hard, if not a harder Task, to cure mens Vices, and correct their Manners, than Phyſicians of the Body can have to cure their Diſeaſes, and purge their Bodies from peccant humours. But yet the Perſon you mean has proved no ſhatter-brain in the Faculty of Phyſick, nor has he ſpent his time to little purpoſe, like an unſteady Rambler; he has taken his Doctor's Degree where you were once, to their ſhame and ſorrow, Matriculated.

Can it be imagined, that one who had for ſeveral years mounted the Pulpit, ſhould to increaſe his Fame in Phyſick, be guilty of ſo palpable an Impoſture, as to aſſert publickly, that by giving ſix grains of Salt of Ambar, he had cauſed a Dropſical Patient to piſs the meaſure of a Kilderkin? In ſhort, libera nos from thoſe that practiſe Phyſick in Nomine Domini. p. 62, 63.

This wild Freak, and improbable Chimaera, can hardly be imagined by any but Momus himſelf. You may as well publickly aſſert, that it has rained Nuts and Suggar-plums, or that you can cure all incurable Diſeaſes with a wet Finger, as perſwade the World that a man of ſenſe, eſpecially a Phyſician of the Conclave, ſhould thus ſillily talk of curing Dropſies. The true State of the caſe, according to the beſt information I have of it, is thus: This Phyſician, and another of the ſame Confederacy, joined in Conſultation, upon a Patient that had been troubled with the Strangury, and who had hardly made any water in nine or ten days, did adviſe the taking Salt of Ambar, among other things; not ſix grains, as you ignorantly pronounce, but more than three times ſix, and repeated Doſes. The things he took did open the Tap, and ſet the water a running, not to a Kilderkin (you might as well have ſaid to a Tunn) but to about a Gallon, which was much to the Patient's Eaſe, as well as the mirth of ſneering Buſſoons. This was the Foundation upon which you built this pretty contrivance of a ſtory, wherein you miſtook unconſcionably the Patient's Diſeaſe, the Remedy and the Effect. And by ſuch groſs or wilful miſtakes in one Caſe a man may judge of your Candour and Sincerity in the reſt. But, in ſhort, you are not for libera nos from thoſe that practiſe Phyſick in Romine Domini, you are altogether for thoſe that practiſe Phyſick in Romine Diaboli.

Ʋpon thoſe, that lay ſo weighty a ſtreſs on their Opiniator Methods, ought to be impoſed a Voyage to Ruſſia, there to exerciſe their Galeniciſms upon the Boyars, and others of their next ſubordinate quality, who receive Phyſick from the hands of their Medico's upon no other condition or terms, than if the Pills, Potions, Powders, and Bleedings, have not the pretended ſucceſs, thoſe that adviſed them, are to juſtifie the rationality and experience of them upon their own Bodies, in a double proportion. As thus: A noble Patient having by three or four Bleedings received a palpable prejudice, or poſſibly his untimely diſpatch into the other World, the adviſing Phyſician for a puniſhment of his unwarrantable and unskilful raſhneſs, is to be blooded ſix or eight times, &c. p. 76, 77.

What ſort of Medical Hotch-potch are you made of, Momus, that thus unwittily talk of Opiniator Methods, and Galeniciſms. Ever now and then you beſprinkle your Tracts with the venerable Name of Galen, and would hint as if you were not a little vers'd in his Methods and Writings, but now they are all Galeniciſms, and ridiculous Soleciſms, as the Worm will have it. Neither the Novelties of Helmontius, or Renè des Cartes pleaſe you at all, nor the antient Methods of Galen, which have paſs'd the Teſt and Approbation of ſo many ages. New and Old, Jeſt and Earneſt, Right or Wrong, are all alike Bad, when Momus in his Dream ſtumbles upon them. And who is the greater Opiniator? Either Galen, who was ſo modeſt, that he never put his Name (much leſs his Picture) before any of his Books, as you may read in his ſeventh Book, de Methodo Medendi; or Momus who writes his Name to every Tract in Great Letters, and who one while writes himſelf Phyſician in Ordinary to his Majeſty, and in the time of the Rebellion, Fellow of the College of Phyſicians at the Hague (thanks to his Mother's Bohemian Intereſt) another while he ſtyles himſelf (after his Name in Great Letters) Med. Spag. Dogm. Chir. & Phil. D. perhaps in imitation of Dn. Aureol. Philip. Theophraſt. Bombast. ab Hoenhaim, or Paracelſus. To day he tells you his Name, with plain M. D. without a word of his Degree of Batchelor; to morrow he is only Phyſician in Ordinary to His Majeſty, and not a word of the College at the Hague. So that, Momus, you are always at variance even with your own Titles. A Lad at School ſhall have ſomething to do, to turn and wind a Golden Verſe into Changes, ſo often as you can do your Gilded Titles.

Every Body can't vary the Phraſe, as I have had the Honour to do, in the Title-Leaf. But what think you, would not that excellent Cuſtom of Ruſſia, if practiſed here, make our Galenists to quit the Engliſh Stage, and to travel, as I have done, into other Countries?

You are groſly ignorant, I perceive, of the State of Ruſſia, or elſe abominably malicious. However I ſhall give my ſelf the trouble to inform you a little. The Muſcovites have ſo fond an opinion of the Phyſicians Skill, that they do make him to be Infallible, and Omnipotent in his way, and if a Patient miſcarry, they impute it to his want of will to ſave the man, and not to Nature, or the defect of Art. Hence ſome of them, as being bred meer Barbarians, and being all ignorant in any point of Learning, may perhaps paſs ſome indignities upon their Phyſician, when he does not fully anſwer their groundleſs Expectation. But that conceit of yours, their making the Phyſician to bleed a double quantity himſelf, and the ſwallowing down double the quantity of a Purge he gives, when it has not the deſired effect, I do take to be the pure invention of Momus, who cannot for his life tell a ſtory as he ſhould do, but has the frail memory of common Liars, and ſo adulterates every Truth he hears with ſome groſs alloy of Falſhood. It is no new thing for the beſt Phyſician to meet ſometimes with an unworth treatment. And ſo Proſper Alpinus de Medicin. Aegypt. lib. 1. cap. 3. tells us how Phyſick came to degenerate there from the Rational Antient Methods into a meer obſequiouſneſs, and the treating or flattering Symptoms, inſtead of encountering the Cauſes of Diſeaſes, as Galen teaches to do in his 9th Book de Meth. Med. Hic corruptus medendi modus non à priſcorum illorum medicorum ignorantiâ principium duxit, ſed ut ex Aegyptiis hiſtoriarum peritis audivi, à barbarâ priſcorum Aegypto imperantium tyrannide; tempore enim quo Mamaluchi illiuſce regionis obtinebant imperium, omnia ea loca Medicis doctiſſimis florebant, qui dogmaticê ſummâque cum ratione medicinam faciebant, ſed tanta erat ea in dominis barbaries, ut optimi illi doctiſſimique medici vel rebus benè geſtis ſaepè lucri loco ab iis contumeliis afficerentur. Illorum aliquis dolore aliquo correptus non ſecùs quàm furens bestia, ſubitò ut ſanaretur imperabat, quod cùm non ſemper ita citò eveniret, peſſimè miſeros eos Medicos tractabat. Alpinus has in the ſame place much more to the ſame purpoſe. But to return to Ruſſia, (without the impoſition of a Voyage thither) although ſome particular brutiſh Bojar (who perhaps knows no difference between a Pearl and a Pebble, and who probably is not ſo well civilized as a Boore or a Peaſant in the Southern parts of Europe) may poſſibly have been as rude as a Bear, and as unmannerly to his Phyſician, as the Author of the Conclave is to the Faculty of Phyſick; yet the Czars, or Emperors of Ruſſia, have more than once applyed themſelves to our Princes, to beg the Favour of a Phyſician from hence. In Quene Elizabeth's time the Fame of our Learned and Skilful Collegiates had ſo far reached the Ears of the Czar, that he ſent Letters on purpoſe to that Great Queen, to beſeech her, that ſhe would ſend him a Phyſician to his Perſon. And the Queen ſent him Doctor James, a Fellow of the College, with a Royal Letter, in which, among others, are theſe words. Quòd hominum genus (meaning Phyſicians) quoniam & plurimarum rerum cognitionem, & morum probitatem non vulgarem poſtulat; Noluimus vel non parum providae eſſe ſalutis tuae, vel negligenter honoris noſtri, quin virum tàm probitatis laude inſignem, quàm cognitionis in re medicâ, uſâſque laude commendatiſſimum, ad te mitteremus, eáque propter è domeſticis, è noſtris ex eorum numero, qui corporis ſalutisque noſtrae, ſecundum Deum, cuſtodes ſunt, Robertum Jacob. in Medicinâ Doctorem, virum literatum artis ſuae peritiſſimum, morum honeſtate probatiſſimum, ad te mittimus; non quia libenter eo careremujs, ſed quoniam tibi, tanguam nobis volumus & cogitamus facere benè: Eum ut pari cum gratiâ à nobis accipias, & honore merito proſequaris, etiam atque etiam rogamus, &c. The Annals of the College do mention others afterwards ſent thither on the ſame account, whither there would hardly have ventured a Second after the Firſt, if they had not known how to value men, under God ſo exceedingly uſeful. The Learning of the Ruſſians goes no farther than to write and read in their own Language. And he that can do that, is a great Scholard among them. One of our ſorry Aſtrologers, who has Skill enough to underſtand an Ephemeris, and thence to read and foretel the time of the Moon, and Eclipſes, ſhall infallibly be eſteemed a Conjurer, and a dealer in the Black Art. They think there is more Wiſdom in the Beard than the Word of him that has a Beard, than the Oath of a ſmooth-fac'd Gentleman. They will write upon their Knees, though a Table ſtands before them. They are a ſavage, ſottiſh, ſhameleſs people, (as Olearius tells us) and can never learn any good of their Neighbour-Countries, becauſe every Ruſs is forbid upon ſevere penalty to travel, or ſee Faſhions abroad; and if any Rambler has not the wit to hold his tongue, but muſt be blabbing what fine things he has ſeen without doors, his Tongue ſhall moſt certainly be cut out, that he may tell no more Tales. The beſt of it is, they are of a healthy and ſtrong Conſtitution, and are ſeldom ſick, Drunkenneſs excepted. When they are, Garlick and Strong-waters are all their Remedies (even in a Feaver) becauſe they know no better. But now their Bojars begin to know the happineſs of having a good Phyſician, and can diſtinguiſh well enough between ſuch a one a Mountebank, who will commonly let down his Breeches before them, and ſhew all he has to the Multitude, in order to recommend his other Accompliſhments.

I have enough and enough of theſe Muſcovians, but after I had flung my Wild-fire to frighten my Conclave-Enemies, I gave you a Memoire of fatal Memory. But did the publick good ſo much influence any honeſt judicious Phyſician, as to become an Obſervator of ſuch Methodiſts; in the ſpace of a year he might exceed a Volume larger than the Septuagints; but then for that term it's neceſſary he ſhould have a Sauve-garde, to ſave his Brains from being knock'd out. p. 79.

I know your beloved Maxim: Fling dirt enough, and ſome will ſtick; and know from whom you learn'd it in your Travels. We fear no juſt and honeſt Obſervator. Such an Obſervator is one that has wit and ingenuity in abundance. He writes good ſenſe and appoſite words, and ſcorns to rake the Kennel for abominable and filthy ſtories to abuſe and beſpatter his Superiors. In a word, he is ſo conſiſtent with himſelf, that let him write never ſo many Volumes, he will defie Momus to convict him of one plain Ʋntruth. We know likewiſe, what a long and hard Labour you had to bring forth the Firſt Part of your Conclave, and what Pain and Gripes you have endur'd about it, ever ſince the Publication of your Caſus. There in the Deſcription of your Unfortunate, and illbeſtowed Education you give us in Short-hand an Abbregè or Embryo of this illſhapen Monſter; you told us there in few words the greateſt part of thoſe unlikely ſtories, which were in time, and with good huſbandry, to grow into a diſtinct Pamphlet. But conſidering how large the Town is, and how willing many an angry Nurſe, diſcarded Apothecary, or diſcontented Melancholick Patient, might prove to furniſh ſcandalous matter for your premeditate and longintended purpoſe; certainly you had but very little Intereſt, or Power, and would find it a harder task than you think it, to take together a ſufficient number of ſcandalous Aſperſions, in order to equal, much leſs exceed a Volume larger than the Septuagints, in the ſpace of a year. Eſpecially if you do take the Septuagints to be ſeventy Volumes, as perhaps you may. But it may be you might have taken the hint of the Septuagints from its dear Relation to the Year ſeventeen, the Year of Triumph, and everjoyful Memory, for ſake of thoſe early Degrees of yours, both of Batchelor and Doctor. Again, What great matter is there in your Second Part of the Conclave, beſides Crambe his costa, the ſame jarring Tune grateing ingenious Ears over again, a little more ſtuff of the Jeſuits Powder, of which it is very eaſie to collect enough to make a Diſcourſe, after ſo much written, as there is, by the French, and others, concerning it. Then indeed you ſhew your Wit as well as Goodneſs, in moſt ſhamefully perſecuting the Ghoſt of the late Glory of Phyſick, Dr. Willis. De mortuis nil niſi benè, ſay we; but with you it is, Nil niſi malè tm de mortuis quàm vivis. After this, you add almoſt four leaves of Animadverſion, on the five leaves in the Firſt Part, which are ſaid to contain the chief Subject of this Treatiſe; all the reſt being doubtleſs very impertinent, or at leaſt of mean concern, in compariſon with the Chief-ſubject. Next, you give the Apothecaries more of your Correction than they deſerve, which muſt needs cauſe a very ſtrange Wonderment in any one, that does not conſider it is Kindneſs of Momus his beſtowing. After which, you entertain us with a long Story of a Lady, which ſingle Story you call in the Title of the Chapter, Some eminent Caſes in Phyſick. Now if it were ſo eaſie as you would hint, to exceed a Volume larger than the Septuagints, with your ſcurrilous, and often profane Ribaldry, you would not ſerve us as you do, fill our expectations with ſome eminent Caſes in Phyſick, and at laſt put us off with one only Caſe and no more.

But then (if you ſhould write ſo large a Volume) for that term (or rather for that piece of Nonſenſe) it's neceſſary youſhould have a Sauvegarde, to ſave your Brains from being knock'd out. No, no! Momus, you need not fear the knocking out of that which you never had, or loſt long agoe. Your Skull is thick enough to defend you againſt Knocks, and eſpecially of ſuch who uſe only Argumenta Galenica, not Bacilina. We never order Madmen to be knock'd o'tho' head, but to be tyed and bound faſt enough, and to be kept in ſafe Cuſtody that they may do no more miſchief, either to themſelves, or others. And, Momus, I dare ingage, that's all you need fear from our Actions of the Caſes how large a Volume ſo ever you ſcribble, Of eminent Caſes in Phyſick.

I am not only of opinion, but poſſibly certain, &c. p. 83.

We ſhall not have room for all your odd Opinions, and poſſible Certainties; or rather plain uncertainties. We ſhould run into a Volume larger than the Septuagints, if we ſhould undertake to examine the truth of all your idle Opinions, and uncertain poſſibilities; or your Whimſical Conceits, frequent Incoherences, pert and dul Expreſſions, and the groſs Errors you commit, even in your own Mother-Tongue. This is not poſſibly the laſt time you and I may meet. And I would have ſome pity upon the Reader, not to overcharge him too much at a time; leſt he ſhould come to nauſeate the very ſight of ſuch courſe and inſipid Fare, as you do help us to. Give us ſome of your Certain Concluſions, which you have drawn (by head and ſhoulders) from the beſt of your Obſervation.

Why then, I may justly conclude, among a hundred Phyſicians you ſhall find ninety five learned Mountebanks, and poſſibly five Real Phyſicians. p. 85.

The whole Body of the College does not yet make up the Number of a hundred Phyſicians, ſo that (to fill up) we would admit one ſcabbed Sheep into the ſound Flock, in hopes to cure him. But where to place you, I know not. Sure you will not have the impudence to pretend to a Place among the five Real Phyſicians; and as for the Learned Mountebanks, in troth you have not yet deſerved ſo good a Title. For it is no great point of Learning to reſolve Phaenomena about Wheel-barrows and Potch'd Eggs, to deſcant upon the Whirles of Squibbs, or the Expanſion of Feathers and Cobwebs; but eſpecially about the Application of a Dog's Chops to a Bitches Tail, or to explicate and give deep Reaſons why a Dog apprehends the Scent of the Excrements under the Bitches Tail to be no ill Scent. Theſe nice points might do very well for a Merry-Andrew, but can by no means become the Grandeur and Dignity of a Learned Mountebank. Learning is a thing of great Value and deſerved Eſteem, even among the Unlearned. It is a Rarity too in my Opinion, and unleſs we look after True Learning among a hundred Phyſicians, I cannot tell where to find it in ſuch plenty among a hundred of any other Profeſſion. You conclude then, that there are Ninety five Learned Men in the hundred Phyſicians, but your kindneſs muſt be 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 , bitter as well as ſweet, they muſt be Mountebanks forſooth! Prithee which are moſt like Mountebanks, either thoſe Modeſt, Learned, Methodical, and Experienced Men, who never vaunt and boaſt more than they can do, but often do more than they ſay; or he that dares preſume to ſay, I my ſelf have divulged more new Anatomical Obſervations, which are of greater uſe, than all of 'em in a Bundle. See Preface, and who, p. 100. preſumes to ſay, I dare undertake in a Weeks time, to inform the most illiterate Capacity, having but an ordinary Memory, how to manage thoſe five Courſes (before mentioned) with a better Method, and far greater Succeſs, than any of theſe Anatomical Pretenders ever were fortuned with. And I can eaſily make it appear, that it is poſſible to comprehend as many plain and neceſſary Inſtructions, Rules, and Remedies in one ſingle Sheet, that by obſerving of them, any man without other advice may in moſt Caſes cure himſelf, with far greater ſafety, ſpeed, and ſucceſs, than the beſt of the Pretenders to Anatomy could ever yet challenge, or lay claim unto. Ibid.

Here you have outdone Theſſalus himſelf, that moſt impudent pretender, as Galen calls him, and gives us an account of him in his firſt Book de meth. medendi, a ſubject you are often apt to talk of. This brazen-fac'd Empirick was grown to that heighth of folly and raſhneſs, at Rome, that he proclaimed he could teach the whole Art of Phyſick in half a Years time, without mens applying themſelves to any other ſtudy, or learning any thing more. Wherefore Coblers, Diers, Carpenters, and Smiths, being enticed by his bold and eaſie pretences, did at that time, ſays Galen, whole crowds of them leave their Handycrafts, and under that Maſter did betake themſelves to phyſick (which ought to have been moſt Sacred to ſuch men) to the deſtruction of Mankind. What would that great Phyſician have ſaid, think you, if he had heard of your dare undertake in a Weeks time at London, and of your one ſingle ſheet, wherein you ſay, you can eaſily make it appear, that any man may by you be taught in moſt caſes to Cure himſelf with far greater ſafety, ſpeed, and ſucceſs, than the beſt of the pretenders to Anatomy could ever yet challenge, or lay claim unto: Whereas that through-pac'd admirable Phyſician, in the Book aforeſaid, uſed the very argument of Anatomy againſt Theſſalus his ſhameful pretences, urging that all Philoſophers, and knowing men, did with one conſent agree, that no man could be able to Cure Diſeaſes, nor had any right to offer at it, until he had firſt ſearch'd into the nature of the whole Body, by underſtanding its Anatomy. Now though half a year be a very ſhort time for Carpenters, Diers, and Smiths, to learn the whole Art of Phyſick, you have out-ſhot him exceedingly, who can in one ſingle ſheet, and in a Weeks time, teach any man ſtranger things than all the Empiricks before you. One word more: though Theſſalus did (as you now do) ſpeak mighty things of himſelf, and in an Epiſtle he writ to Nero, had theſe arrogant expreſſions: Seeing that I do make a new Sect of Phyſicians, and the only one of all that is true, becauſe all the Phyſicians who have been before me, have writ nothing that is uſeful, either to the preſervation of Health, or the Cure of Diſeaſes. And afterwards ſays he, Hippocrates has taught pernicious Principles. At this rate did that Rhodomontado then yelp againſt Phyſicians, and though he did crack and bounce (as you will needs now do) yet what is become of his Communitates and Syncritica, &c. They are all gone, periſhed and forgot. We ſhould never have heard of the Wretch by his own Writings, unleſs Galen had thought fit to give a check to his preſumption, by vouchſafing to expoſe his folly to Poſterity. Now you, Momus, muſt expect a worſe fate of Oblivion; for though you have provoked with tooth and nail the Galens, as well as the Galeniſts of our time, to take notice of your malevolent and ſcurrilous Pamphlets againſt the Faculty, yet you ſee none of thoſe great men will do you that Honour, looking on your rage and madneſs with more Contempt than Anger. I would adviſe you to write your next Project againſt Phyſicians in Latin, and if you follow the Copy of that pure, elegant, ſmooth, and oh how excellent Pattern of that nonpareil de Febribus, you will give the greater diverſion; however take your own way, write either in your own ſtyle, having a care of Priſcian's head; or after that indifferent good Latiniſt, Thomas Willis his ſtyle, I'll promiſe you for your Comfort, you ſhall be anſwered in Latin (the thing you once long'd for) and if the beſt Pens be too buſie to mind you, you ſhall have your Match at leaſt, a Pen (don't you doubt) as good as your own, and of a Galemſt too, a great admirer of excellent men, a natural Enemy both to Fopps and turbulent Spirits, and yet one who will give even a Devil in Phyſick his Due.

But is not that a great matter for a lonely ſolitary man, who ſo ſeldom ſees the face of any Real Phyſician, and who ſcorns to have any Knowledge of them; is it not a mighty matter that he ſhould thus be able to teach all the World out of his own ſimple Obſervation?

Yes, yes, it would be wonderful ſtrange, if Sir Politick ſhould among his other Concluſions, draw as Army of forty Thouſand Men out of the Ventricles of his Brain, and muſter them in his Bed-Chamber, whilſt a Man can crack a Nut. It would be a wonderful matter if a Lad ſhould write good Latin, before he can ſpeak common Senſe; but eſpecially if a Child ſhould at ſeven years old, or a Boy before ſeventeen (the year that it has been done in, to our everlaſting aſtoniſhment) ſhould, becauſe he crys and roars, be dubb'd Batchelor and Doctor, in order to make him quiet. What ſtrange Phyſical Projections ſuch young and early Doctors might in time bring about, I cannot well comprehend; but we that have been of a ſlower growth, and who have learned long ſince (not from you, who do cant it impertinently in the beginning of your firſt Chapter of the Conclave) that Life is ſhort, and Art is long: We know the Art of Phyſick to be a much longer buſineſs, than to be any ways comprehended in one ſingle ſheet: As we know, that every thing is not Goſpel, which a Mountebank comprehends in his Printed Paper of Directions. You cannot but know better things too, but your Spleen works into your Head, and ſuggeſts many ridiculous Melancholick Whimſies, which ought to be imputed to your Diſtemper, and is the true cauſe that your Pen runs ſo faſt before your Wit. But give your reaſon, why you thus condemn very unmercifully ninety five of a hundred Phyſicians to be only Learned Mountebanks.

They are thoſe falſe Methodiſts, who boaſt, that with Opium and Jeſuits Powder, they can Cure all Diſeaſes. Neither are they advanced to a much higher form, that imagine ordinary Diſpenſatories are ſufficiently ſtockt with Medicines adequate to the Cure of all Diſeaſes, whereas they contain ſew others, than ſuch as may ſerve for vehicles for greater Medicines, or are only virtuated to remove ſlight ſuperſicial Diſtempers. Whence I may juſtly conclude, &c. as before, p. 84, 85.

Ex ore tuo te judico. Once more I muſt return to conſult the Preface (before-mentioned) to your Tract of the Scurvy, the Diſeaſe of London, as you call it, though I doubt you can give no great reaſon to Philoſophers, why the Scurvy ſhould be more the Diſeaſe of London, than other Places, eſpecially the Maritime Towns. Only you calculated that Tract for the Meridian of London, to tempt Londoners to take good notice of the Authors Name, and Titles, and to give them a hint what notable help they might expect from this Man of Might, who is able to write a Book about it, and can teach others how to Cure this reigning London-Diſeaſe. But firſt, who are they, and thoſe falſe Methodists, who boaſt ſuch ridiculous and improbable things? I openly challenge you to name one Man of the Conclave, or any other related to it by the way of Domeſtick Degrees, who has been ſo vain and ſilly, as to boaſt, that with Opium and Jeſuits Powder, he can cure all Diſeaſes. This I can tell you, from an Eminent Druggiſt, who is beſt able to judge, what vent there is of Druggs, that he has not known ſo ſorry a Market, for the Jeſuits Powder, this many a Year as this laſt Year of all. He never ſold near ſo little, ſince it came firſt into play. And he will now ſell the very beſt Jeſuits Powder for twenty ſhillings the Pound, or under, who five or ſix Years ago ſold it for eight Pounds the Pound. So that inſtead of Curing all Diſeaſes, you ſee it grows to be a meer Drugg. And for Opium, he could not obſerve any greater vent of late than ordinary. Some of that indeed muſt be always uſed, for making Venice-Treacle and Mithridate. Now read me what this Scurvy Author ſaid to the buſineſs of Diſpenſatories, that we may compare Notes a little between him, and this Antagoniſtical Paragraph.

Were it put to debate, which of your Leggs, the right or the left, ought to go firſt, beyond all peradventure they would kick up one anothers heels during the conteſt or debate. For you ſo often declare for the wrong ſide, and when you fight, take the wrong end of the ſtaff, that any man of Brains muſt needs wonder how you can ever be in the right. And how ignorantly you talk of Anatomical Theatre-Mounters! You ſuch a mighty man in Anatomy, and not know the Structure of an Anatomical Theatre! Their Theatres are not mounted, or raiſed like the Recreation. Theatres above the Pit, or the Mountebank-Theatres above the People, but the Doctors do ſtand or ſit as level with the Floor, as a Gentleman does in his Parlour. Indeed for the convenience of Spectators there are ſome little aſcents to Seats, that young Batchelors, and young Doctors (much above ſeventeen) may the better learn and ſee. And are not you a fine Viper thus to tear the Bowels of your Mother-Anatomy, from the ſucking of whoſe Milk you ought to have got greater Skill in Diſeaſes, than from ſucking Chymical Quinteſſences. I rather fear, that, Viper-like, after you had done your beſt to kill that good Mother, you e'en ſuck'd ſome Sow, which has made you thus to hate Anatomy ever ſince. For if this were not ſo, you could never have thus haſtily determined, (like a man of no Brains, or at leaſt who has no guts in his brains) in favour of the ignorant Charlatan, or Mountebank, rather than the Learned and never ſo compleat Anatomiſt.

The uſe of pretended Anatomical Phyſicians is great and neceſſary in a populous Countrey, where neither Famine, Peſtilence, or War have had any ſooting for many years. In this caſe men would devour one another, the place not being extenſive enough to feed all, were it not that Phyſicians by their male practice prevented the Plethory of Inhabitants. p. 97.

Are the Peſtilence, War and Famine become ſuch pretty. diverſions to you, ever ſince you wereCaſus M. Ch. p. 143. Doctor-General (as you proudly, and in likelyhood falſly, phraſe it) to the Army in Flanders? They have the Peſtilence at Conſtantinople, almoſt as often as your heart can wiſh, yet the Turks find no ſuch convenience in it as you imagine. But I ſee you have ſome reaſon for being at continual War with your ſelf, and for fighting one of your Tracts againſt the other, as you have done; ſince it is a Maxim with you (you learnt it no doubt in the Camp) Bellum pace potius; or that War, and a Killing Phyſician, are ſo highly neceſſary to hinder men from devouring one another. And the ſame Principle may be one reaſon, why you look ſo exceeding meagre and lean (as your acquaintance tell me) as if you were starv'd and famiſh'd, and would devour all that you meet, it may be in order to prevent a Plethora or redundance of corrupt and cacochymical humours. But the uſe of pretended Anatomical Phyſicians is great and neceſſary, leſt men ſhould devour one another. Take it in the right, proper, and even literal ſenſe, and the Paradox may hold pretty good Water. Your ſelf, Momus, is the boldeſt, the veryeſt Pretender to Anatomy, that we may happen to hear of in many an Age. You cry aloud, even in your Preface, that all Paſſengers who cannot ſtay above a minute or two in a Bookſellers Shop, may take ſpecial notice of your groſs Pretenſions to Anatomy, I my ſelf have divulged more new Anatomical Obſervations, &c. And you dare to ſay it in the moſt Anatomical Age that ever was known. There is no doubt but ſuch bold deſperate Pretenders to Anatomy may be their malepractice do much to prevent á Plethora of Inhabitants.

I would ask you to what length do you intend to ſpin out this Treatiſe? I am grown very weary of theſe your Reflections; I have skipped over abundance of places that you had mark'd, and yet we make but a ſlow advance. We are not yet come to the Chief Subject of this Tract.

In troth then I could find in my heart to let alone the Chief Subject, until ſome other time. It is very unuſual with other Writers thus to lead us a dance ſo foreign to the Chief Subject for ſo many Pages of a little Pedling Tract, and to keep the Chief Subject, as Children do the beſt Plum or Cherry, to he laſt. It begins p. 101. ends p. 113. And all the leſſer trifling Subjects are commanded to ſtop, and make a full point in about a Sheet more of this Elder Duodecimo. One thing I have to ſay to your Chief Subject (though it being matter of Fact, and not having duely examined it, I ſhall ſay but little to it) that meeting one of the four Phyſicians concerned, ſoon after your crude Pamphlet was firſt ſpawned abroad, and knowing your Chief Quarrel was againſt the Jeſuits Powder, I ask'd him whether the Bark were given in that caſe, and he proteſted to me, that it was not given at all, at leaſt that he knew of; that he was indeed very much for the giving it, but the other Phyſicians being of another mind, he had acquieſced, and did not rudely fling out of the Conſult-Room, as Momus upon every Pett was wont to do in a Caſe of his own deſcribing.

Why, at this rate the Chief Subject, that was kept as a Dainty to the latter end, e'en comes to juſt nothing.