THE Cony-catching Bride.

Who after she was privately married in a Conventicle or Chamber, according to the new Fashion of Marriage: She sav'd her selfe very handsomely from being Coney-caught, couzened her old Father, her Bride-groome Mr. TOBY, and caused a generall laughter amongst all the GUESTS thither invited.

This Wedding, or rather Mock-Marriage was kept privately in London, and is now published to the view of the World for Mirth-sake.

Together with A SERMON, Preached by a pragmaticall Cobler, at the aforesaid Wedding, comparing the Duties of Marriage to the Ʋtensils of his Trade.


Printed at London by T. F. 1643.



NOw in the Spring, when every Bird makes choyce of their Mate, and (imitably to their example) young folks desire to be coupling together, and to place their affections in a faire proportion of Har­mony, even as fancy doth direct them. A young Maid, that had a round Portion, and a Father that lov'd round Money; fell in love with a brisk Blade, a lusty Cavaelier; but kept her desires secret and unknowne to her Father; who (for some by respects, as Parents use to be too often sticklers in their Childrens affections) perswaded her, nay charged her on his Blessing that she would turne the stream of her affection to a match of his providing, and consent to marry a Young man, a holy Brother, hoping thereby to make his Daughter a Zea­lot, and become inspired with his spirituall Edification. She was indeed very unwilling to displease her Father, who had sternly resolved, that if she but made the least signe of refu­sall to yoak her self in Matrimony with this prick-eard youth, she should have (for him) no other Portion but the meere Cypher of Nature, which from the time of her Birth she [Page 2] constantly bare about her: wherfore to give him content, she made a faire formall shew of obedience and willingnes to con­forme her selfe to his deliberate motion, and submit to the embraces of this religious young man, yeelding her Virgin Flower to be cropt by his rude hand. Wherupon (after some ceremonious complements of wooing, according as the Spirit moved him, hee had won her to a simpering consent of love towards him, to please her Fathers mind; and (in all passages thereof) counterfeited her part▪ exceeding well, look't on him with smiling eyes, framed her selfe to severall fond gestures, and dissembled her thoughts indeed so cunningly, as made her Father beleeve and this Young Toby, that her heart was onely his, shewing, with bashfulnesse, such outward expressions of a seeming passion, as willing Maids use to those whom they they most endearedly affect. So that now the Old mans great joyes, and the Young mans conceited happines, was grown so high, that without further delay, a day was designed to linke this young Couple together in the true Gordian knot of Ma­trimony; not in the Old way of Ceremonious Marriage, but according to the new Fashion. So divers friends of both Parties were invited by the Old mans direction, to see them effectually conioyned; who being assembled together in a private Chamber, the Old Father (to b [...]ulk all circumstance) took his Daughter by the hand, gave her freely to the young holy Brother, saying, Increase and multiply honest TOBY, I give you here my Daughter and six hundred pound, which shall be paid you after dinner all in good Angels and other gold, love her as your yoak fellow, as your zeale shall inform you, and so God give you ioy and felicity many yeares together. This new fashi­ned Marriage thus consummated, a pragmaticall Cobler there present, uttered a Sermon Extempore, concerning the Duties of Marriage, comparing them to the severall utensils of his owne occupation, as followeth.

The Coblers SERMON Extemporie.

BRetheren, and beloved Friends here assembled, not to stand nicely upon the choyce of any Text, but according to the occasion of our present meeting, (as being the coniunction of a young Couple in the bands of Ma­trimony) I will declare briefly unto you the Duties of Marriage, by most fa­miliar examples, and such as the Utensils of mine owne occupation presents to my intellect for your better edification. Now mark beloved (quoth he) Even as I do shape out my Soales equall one to another; so a Wife is a Soale that must be cut out to a mans hand and made fit for him; and after she is once married she must take heed that she tread not her shoo awry, for if she doe, I can assure you she will hardly ever be well underlaid: But what is that must unite and sow together a Couple in Marriage? Surely it is love, that is the threed that makes them hold fast in affection, and without love, those that are wrung with the shoo of Marriage will fall all to pieces. Ther­fore deare Brother TOBY and Sister RUTH. pray let your love be made of the strongest threed that it may sow and conioyne you together upon the last of affection, in the new fashion of Marriage. Th [...]s short Lesson being well grounded in you you may now kisse one another, and doe the rest that is to be done at night, after you have din'd and sup'd well: for now you are man and Wife in the holy New Fashion.

After the Cobler had ended his Sermon, Dinner was sent in, and a long Grace said; so they fell to their cheere: but now the Coblers teeth wa [...]kt as fast as his tongue, and all the Guests fed apace; only the Bride being inwardly discontent, stood like a poore patient Grissell, sorry for what she had formerly done, and would by no means sit downe accor­ding to custome, nor have her Bridegroom wait on her; bu [...] earnestly desired her Father that since she was married after the new Fashion, she might proceed contrary to the Old, and so make it compleatly a new fashioned Wedding indeed. This was granted, and so our young holy Sister wa [...]ted at the Table on her Bridegroom, wishing he might burne his lips with eating his Broth too hot▪ or that some honest bone would stick in his gullet and choak him; for she lov'd him not, but doted on the Cavalier, and wish'd to be with him though in some disguise but that her Father watch'd her so narrowly she knew not how to make escape: Whe [...]fore (though much against her wi [...]l she attended serviceably, till her Bridegroom and all the rest of the Guests arose.

After Dinner was ended, they past the rest of the time in finging of Psalmes, and expounding Chapters, while the Bridegroome and Bride looked very demurely each on other, and instead of making their legs walk in Dances to some Musick, they sate talking together to the edi­fication of the simple. The Bride having now received (in a plentifull measure) sundry Documents of wholsome instruction from her holy Bride-grome, (being neverthelesse halfe tyred with his tedious Expo­sitions) rose up made a low courtesie, and gave him thanks: but remem­bering her selfe of more materiall businesse yet behind, she solicited her Father upon his promise to her on the Wedding day, that she (accor­ding to the new fashion of Marriage) should receive her own Portion: whereupon the Old man unlocking his Closet, brought out a long Bag full of old Angels and other Gold, which he had gotten out of Vinegar and Mustard those two eager Elements; (for he was a kind of a keene Chandler) the Gold stuck to his fingers like Bird-lime, loath he was to part with it as with his owne soule: but at last demurring, or rather doting on his Daughters future preferment with his new selected Son in Law, he began to spread his golden Pieces on the Table, and onely told them out, for they were all weight upon his certaine knowledge; so wiping his eyes, and indeed ready to weep at parting with his Gold, he called his Daughter unto him, delivered it, and bad her tell out the full somme, which he had been raking together many yeares industriously, as by turning the Mustard-mill, serving halpeny-worths of Cheese, not halfe so long as his nose, utttring off Hucksters ranke Butter and Egges halfe addle, as also by selling musty Vinegar and mangy Tobacco: All which Hoord being now paid downe for his Daughters Portion, he de­sired her Husband that his Daughter might have her will on her Wed­ding day, and (after the new Fashion of Marriage) receive it into her owne custody, for the use of him and his Heyres. The Bridegroome who was none of Father Wisdomes Sons, and had his Religion onely in his demure Face, and horne-pipe Nose, through which he spake snaffl [...]ngly to this purpose, That his Bride should finger the Money now, as he inten­ded to doe her at night: and so lent her a white Handkerchiefe to tye up his Father in Laws Gold; she accordingly took the paines to draw it to her, and told againe the golden Story to her selfe. The Old man be­gan now to recapitulate to all the Guests present▪ how he (with con­sent of the Bride-groom his new created Son in Law, and according to the new forme of Marriage) had paid in to his Daughter 600. l. pound [Page 5] Portion, and so his care and promise in that point was ended. The Bride in the mean time was busied in disposing the Gold; she put it up into a leathern bag and (throwing her Husband his Hand-kercher to wipe his nose on, for he should never see that money againe) she carried away the Prize, and laid it up close in her Chest: the Old man applauded his Daughters care saying, she had made all cock-sure; the Guests gave her likewise great commendation, and the Bridegroome Sir Toby thought the Gold safe enough for him and his faithfull generation. Having thus debated the matter a while, the Old-man knockt with his Brasill staffe, for his Daughter tarryed long, and was doing somthing they little su­spected, to put a neat Plot upon them all; yet like an obedient piece of Virginity, she came at his call, looking very cheerfully; the company were glad to see her so merry, thinking the conceit of that nights plea­sure to come, made her thus pleasant: so the Old man the Bridegroom, and Guests began all to smile too though they had small cause fort con­sidering her purpose, which she so cunningly dissembled.

The wished night being come, they went all to Supper, but their bel­lies were so full of good cheere, that they could eat but little; but espe­cially the Bride, who was thought to fast as Virgins use, being affraid at first to goe to bed to her Husband: but the Cobler eat till he was ready to burst againe; for if a stitch had fallen in his guts, hee knew how to sow them together againe: the other Guests also fell hardly toot tooth and naile; but the Old man only eat but little, for the parting with sixe hundred pound in Gold had taken away his stomack. After they had sate a while and talkt as formerly, they call'd for water to wash, and a demure Grace being said by the Old man, they all arose and sate like Images of the new Reformation; till at last the Old man made a motion that all the Guests there present and himself should accompany both the Bride and Bride groome to their Chamber, and there leave them; to which all agreed, and the young Couple were brought to their Bridall-Chamber accordingly: Now whether they had a spirituall Sack-posset or no according to the old Fashion, I know not; but the Bride ear­nestly besought her Father and all the Guests present, that she might make it in all points a new Fashion'd Wedding, and therefore for some speciall reasons, desired that her Sweet-heart and Bridegroome might go to bed first; it was granted and he pluckt off his cloathes and soone got within the sheets; so her Father and the other Guests wishing them both good rest, took leave and departed, not thinking what would af­terward [Page 6] happen. No sooner was the Company gone out, but the Bride made fast the dore, as if she would presently come to bed to her Bride­groome, and began to undresse in a slow manner, delaying the time by looking in her glasse, whilst her Bridegroome (grown very eager in his expectation) peeps wishfully through the Curtaines being all this while in a standing Ague and call'd to her saying Sweet RUTH if thou lovest me, make hast and come away to bed; verily I have obeyed thy desire in all things hitherto. The Bride g [...]ancing back her eye on him, seem'd frib­bling awhile about untying her Petticote; now thought young Toby I beleeve indeed she will come to bed imediately. But Oh, on a sodaine her Prayer-Booke was missing, and she made an excuse to go downe to fetch it: stay Love sayes Toby, Prayer-Books are abominable, I will in­struct thee how to pray by the Spirit. But she craved leave to fetch up one more peculier which her Mother gave her, and so flung out of the Chamber to seeke it, locking the dore fast after her. The happy oppor­tunity now suiting to her desire, she went secretly into another Room, put on a new gowne with all accoutremements necessary and (by the help of her Fathers man whom she had acquainted with her Project) went forth resolvedly to embrace her new Fortunes. All this while young Toby lay much amazed that his Bride on her Wedding night too, should be so slow in her approach to his Bed, being impatient of further delay, rose up hastily, but finding the dore lockt fast against him, cryed out the second time, Sweet-beart where are you, what doe you meane by this? Come away and bring your Prayer-Booke with you: what doth make you stay so long? At last having no Answer, he knockt with a Bed [...]ffe, so loud, that up starts the aged father, who comming to the Chamber found the dore lockt, and his Son Toby raging in his bed for lack of his new Bride; whereat being strong in passion, he set h [...]s shoulder to the Wainscot dore brake it open, resolving his Son in law, that surely his Daughter was stollen out of the house but whither he knew not, onely he missed one of his men withall, and thence grew his greatest suspition.

The Old man and young Toby being stark mad at this disaster, seach'd all corners of the house but found nothing but a Letter which discove­red at full, how she had appointed to get her Portion, and marry with the Cavalier. Thus the Old man lost his Daughter and 600. l. young Toby was made a Gregory in losing his Bride; and this New-Fashion'd Marriage is and will be talkt of round about the City: For never was the like trick shewed by the wit of a Woman on her Wedding-Day.


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