WE know you are harrrass'd with Petitions from all Quarters of the Nation; for to whom should the miserable Subject apply himself for a Redress of his just Grievances, but to this awful Assembly? At present you have no less than the Safety of all Europe, and that of England in particular, de­pending upon your Supplies and Assistance; yet you sometimes condescend to entertain your selves with Things of far less Importance, Give us leave therefore to lay our la­mentable Condition before you, and to expect a relief from your generous appearing in our behalf. We demand nothing but what is highly reasonable and advantageous to the State, nothing but what the Laws of God, Nature, and the End of our Creation plead for and next to what immediately employs your Cou [...]sels at this Juncture, we offer a Matter of the highest Consequence that ever came within your Walls.

You need not be reminded with what Scorn and Contempt the Holy State of Matrimo­ny has of late year [...] been treated: Every nasty Scribler of the Town has pelted it in his wretched Lampoons; it has been persecuted in Sonnet, ridicul'd at Court, exposed on the Theatre, and that so often, that the Subject is now ex [...]austed and ba [...]ren; so that if no new Efforts have been lately made against our Sexes Grand Charter, we are not to ascribe it either to the good Nature or Conversion of the Men, but only to the want of fresh Matter and Argument. What afflicts us most, is to find Persons of good Sence and Gravity, considerable for their Estates and Fortunes, so shamefully laid aside from their Duty by the feeble Sophistry of these little unthinking R [...]ning Creatures; and to see that [...] four­rilous Song to the Tune of a Dog with a Bottle, shall make a greater Impression; upon them than all the wholesome [...]recepts of the Apostles put together.

One, forsooth, is mortally afraid least his head should ake within a Fortnight, or so, after Marriage; and yet makes no Conscience of filling his Carcass every Night with filthy stumm'd Wine, which in all probability will sooner gi [...] him a Fever, than a Wife con­fer a pai [...] of Horns upon him. A second professes he has an invincible Aversion to the s [...]u­ling of Children, and rocking of Or [...]les, though the So [...] a whole day at Wills, amidst the eternal Quarrels of the No Wit [...], and the endless Disputes of the No-Politi [...]. A third is apprehensive of the thing called Cur [...]in Lectu [...], [...]s the [...] Fellows love to talk; and yet suffer themselves to be [...]mely [...]id by common, ungrateful Hackney [...]ro­stitutes: [Page 2] A Fourth has a great respect to his own dear Person, and thinks a Wife will drain him to meer Skin and Bones, who for all that so manages himself, as to have occasion to visit Dr. Wall twice a Quarter. Lastly, the graver sort exclaim at the Caudles, the Pins, the Midvives, the Nurses, and other Concomitants of Wedlock; they pretend the Taxes run high, and that a Spouse is an expensive Animal; little considering that they throw away more upon their dearly beloved Vanities than would maintain a Wife, and half a dozen Children.

These are the common Topicks against Matrimony; and yet, to behold the Vanity of these Pretences, they immediately disappear and vanish, as soon as a good Fortune comes in their way. Show the Sparks but a rich Heiress, or an old griping Alderman's Daughter, and they s [...]on forget Curtain Lectures and Cuckoldom. Consumptions and Skeletons, Pins and C [...]dles, Impertinence and Confinement, with the rest of their terrible Obje­ctions. Then you hear not a Syllable of Liberty; but oh, what a blessed, what a com­fortable thing is a Wife! Nay, a Widow, though past Fifty, and as ugly as one of the Witches in Macbeth, if she has but store of Money, shall go down as glibly with them [...]s the New Oaths for Pre [...]ent at Court; without the least w [...]y Face or remorse of Conscience; and the vain Coxcomb [...] thinks themselves as happy, as if they had got both the [...]dies in their possession.

But though the Laity, not to mince Matters, have almost universally degenerated in this wicked Age; yet we bless Heaven that our Sex has still found the Benefit of the Cler­gy, and that the Church men have been our furest and best Friends all along. Had not these pious Gentlemen taken pity of our Condition, how many super annuated Chamber-Maids had lain neglected, how many languishing Farmer's Daughters gone the way of all Flesh without propagating their kind? Whatever Prevarications they have made in other parts of the Bible, we have to our unspeakable Comfort found that they have kept con­stant to the Text, Increase and multiply; and indeed it was but reasonable that these People who are every Moment trumping their Jure Divino upon the World, should by their own Example support and countenance that sort of Life, which is as much Jure Di­vino as the Priesthood.

We never questioned, notwithstanding the unwearied Attempts of our Adversaries to render Marriage contemptible both in their Writings and Conversation, but that Nature, meer Nature without any Endeavours of our own, would have reduced the Men long since to a true sense of their Duty, had it not been for the two following Impediments. The first is Wine, which we that are Maids have as much reason to complain of as those that are married. 'Tis a burning shame, and it highly concerns the Wisdom of the Nation to prevent it, that the young Fellows of the Town should so scandalously abandon themselves to the Bottle. They ply their Glasses too warmly to think of any thing else; and if the Liquor happens to inspire them with any kind Inclinations, the next Street furnishes them with store of Conveniences to relieve their Appetite. And this leads us to the second Block in our way, which is the intolerable multitude of Mistresses, who to the great pre­judice of the Publick, divert the course of those streams, which would otherwise run in the regular Channel of Matrimony, As long as these contraband Commodities are encou­raged or co [...]niv [...]d at, it cannot be expected that vertuous Women should bear a good Market price, or that Marriage should flourish.

It would look like Affectation or Vanity in those of our Se [...], whom the malici [...] supposes to be conversant in nothing else but Books of Receipts and Romances, to aequ [...] so experienced and learned a Body as yours is, how highly Marriage was reverenced, and how industriously cultivated by the wisest Governments in the World. The Examples of Athens and Sparta are too notorious to be long in [...]i [...]ted upon. Those were glorious Pla­ces for us, poor Women, to live in; a Man there could neither be Church Warden or Constable, nay, nor be concerned in the meanest, most scoundrel Parish Offices, unless he was married. An old musty Batchelor was pointed at like a Monster, they looked upon such a one to be disaffected to the State, and therefore as constantly indicted him every Quarter Sessions for letting his Talent lie unemployed, as now we do Jacobites, and false Retailers of News. The same Policy was observed at Rome, where the Jus T [...] ­um Liberorum, the Priviledge of those that had got three Children, was one of the grea­test Favours the Emperor could bestow upon a Subject, and was courted with as vigorous an Application as a Knighthood is now adays. By th [...] means that victorious City arrived to the Empire of the World; and we, if we wou' [...] [...]eat the French into better Manners, must follow the same Conduct: But it grieves our hearts to consider that in a Christian, and much more in a Protestant Country, we are forced to stir up the Charity of well-di­sposed Persons by citing Pagan Examples.

We therefore humbly petition you, that for the Increase of their Majesties Liege peo­ple, in whom the Power and strength of a Nation consists, and for the utter discourage­ment of Celebacy, and all its wicked Works, you would be pleased to en [...]ct,

First, That all Men of what Quality and Degree soever, should be obliged to marry as soon as they are one and Twenty; and that those Persons who decline so doing, shall for their Liberty, as they are pleased to mis call it, pay yearly to the State, which we leave to your Discretion to make as great or as little as you shall think fit, one Moiety whereof shall go to the King towards the Payment of his Army in Flanders, and the rest be distri­buted amongst poor House-keepers, that have not sufficient to maintain their Wives and respective Families, by such married Officers as you shall nominate and appoint.

Secondly, That no Excuse shall be admitted, but only that of natural Frigidity or Impotence; which that it may not be pretended when there is no just occasion for it, and likewise that impotent Persons may not, to the dis appointment of their Spouses, enter into the holy State of Matrimony, there shall be erected in every County in England a Court of Judicature, composed of half a score experienced Matrons or Midvives, who by a Writ de Maritali supellectile inspiciendâ, may summon or cause to be summoned all such people as pretend the above-mentioned Excuse, or are justly suspected thereof.

Thirdly, since it is found by Experience that the generality of young Men are such Idolaters of the Bottle, and that Wine is the most powerful Rival which the Ladies have reason to be jealous of, that no Person whatsoever shall be priviledged to enter a Tavern who is not married, under pain of having his Wig and gilt Snuff-box con [...]scated Totie [...] Quoties.

Fourthly, That every Poet, or pretender to be a Poet, or any one that has hired a Poet to write any Play, Satyr, Song or Lampoon, to the derogation of the Matrmonial State, shall be obliged to marry before Lady-day next ensuing, and to make a solemn [Page 4] R [...]eantation of all, and every wicked thing by him uttered in any Play, Satyr, Song [...]or Lamp [...]n to the deroga [...]ion of the Matrmonial State; that all such disaffected [...] shall be called in, and publickly buent by the hands of twelve City-Clergy Men's Wives, on next St. Fa [...]entine's Day.

La [...]tly, that to prevent the grievous Maltitudes of, and frequent resorts to Misses and Ilulots, every Person of Quality pretending to keep a Miss, after the commencing of [...]is [...]ct. shall be enjoined in order to his farther Punishment, to keep a Regiment of Foot for his Majesties Service upon the Rhine; or in case he chuses to disband her, to dispose of her in Marriage to his Footman and Groom, and allow them wherewith to set up a Co [...]ee-house. And as for the Inferior F [...]arlots, all Justices of Peace and Constables shall c [...]ocute the Laws against them.

Having thus, most noble Patriots, laid open our Grievances before you, we doubt not but you will take effectual Care to redress them Cou'd you condescend so low as to [...]ebate about making the Rivers Wye and Lug navigable; and will you not endeavour as much as in you lies to unite the Majestreams with the Female? Cou'd you think it worth the while to take care o [...] the propagation of Woods, the draining of the Fens, and the converting of Pa [...]tures into A [...]able L [...]uxl; and will you not much more encourage the propagation of Mankind, the draining of the superfluous Humours of the Body Politick, and provide that so many longing young Ladies shall not lie unploughed, unharrowed, and uncultivated? Besides there was never a sitter occasion for such a Bill, than what oders it self at present: The mighty numbers of Men that our Wars carry off in Flan­ders, with the little or no Increase at home to balance the loss; and what ought to be no small Argument with you, the few unmarried Sparks that tarry behind are of late grown so imperious and proud in their demands, that nothing will go down with them now but an Heiress. Here are an infinite number of Advocates to incline you to be kind to our C [...]use, Wit and Youth, Benity and good Nature, besides the Publick Advantage, and the Protestant Religion plead for us; but what cannot fail to move even hearts of Mar­ble, this very Petition is subscribed by ten thousand Green Sickness Maidens.

That single Consideration, we know, will prevail with you to espouse our Quarrel' to restore Matrimony to its P [...]imitive Splendo [...]; and fastly to destroy Celibacy, as effectu­ally as you have done Popery. Which will oblige your Petitioners,

As in Duty bound ever to pray, &c.

YOu are the Sanctuary of the oppressed; and 'tis natural for the Subject whenever he finds himself unjustly treated, to fly to his Representatives for a Redress. You that have so effectually morti­fied Arbitrary Power even in a Great Monarch, will certainly never cherish it in a lower Station; and this inclines us to hope that the Ladies will not find that Encouragement at your hands which their Vanity prom­pted them to expect Though their Petition to you speaks in a very submissive Stile; yet for all that they can assume a different sort of Language in other Places. There they not only dispute the Superiority with the Men, but even pretend to the Right of Conquest over them; for their Grand-mother Eve, they say, triumphed over the weakness of our great Grand-father. Adam in Paradise; and no doubt on't had insisted upon that Article before you, but that your House last week so punished the unpallatable Doctrine of Conquest, to dis­arm them of this illegal pretence, which is prejudicial to the Liberty and Pri­viledge of our Sex, we have examined all the Old Records, but cannot find the least appearance to colour such a Plea. At present we shall dismiss this Point to descend into the Particulars of their Petition, and leave it to you at last to decide the Controversie now depending between us.

They complain that the Holy State of Matrimony has of late years been very irreverently spoken of, that it has been rhymed to Death in Sonnet, and mur­dered in Effigie upon the Stage. Now we would not be guilty of that ill breed­ing, to say that the Ladies all along found the Matter, and the Satyrist only found the Words. However we are assured from all hands, that those Persons who have taken the greatest pains to expose that Holy State, were all of 'em mar­ried (to prove which we could name a famous Abdicating Poet, if we were [Page 2] minded) and we hope the Ladies don't expect we should either defend or con­demn them till we are married our selves and consequently in a Capacity to judge on which side the Truth lies. At present we know no more of Matrimony, than a meer Land-man knows of the Sea; every Gazette tells him of abundance of Wrecks; but for all that he'll venture to Sea in hopes of making 50 per Cent. by Exchange of his Commodities.

But to make amends for this melancholy Scene, they very devoutly thank Heaven in the next place, that their Sex found the Benefit of the Clergy, when the Laity had in a manner abandoned them. Pray, Gentlemen, observe what Returns of Gratitude the Ladies have made their best and surest Cards the Church­men for this their Loving Kindness. One wou'd have thought they might at least have allow'd their ancient Friends the first Choice of the Vintage; 'tis no more than what the French do to the Scotch Merchants at Bourdeaux out of respect to their old Alliance; but we find no such thing Old super-annuated House-keepers with a Maiden head defunct, and Farmers Daughters, are the best Presents they give the poor Church; so that on this Account serve the Christian Parsons, as their Predecessors, the Pagan Priests, did their Deities, who used to complement Jupiter with the Guts and Garbidge, and reserved the remain­der of the Bullock for themselves. After all, whether this happens by their own Fault, or no, the Levites are made but a civiler sort of Scavengers to carry off the Dust and Rubbish of the Sex, so that the Ladies may spare their Thanks to them if they please; for 'tis we of the Laity only that are in their Debt fo [...] this great Civility.

After this, Gentlemen, the Ladies are pleased to avouch, that if it had not been for a certain damn'd Liquor call Wine, the Men by the meer Impulse of Nature had been long since reduced to their Duty. Here by the word Duty they plainly insinuate a Conquest; and therefore we humbly beg that their Petition may be sent to the Palace-Yard, and there served Secundum usum Sarum. In the mean time, 'tis a mystery to us what makes the Ladies vent their Spleen so furiously upon poor Wine, which by the by [...] never meant the least harm in its Life to the God of Love's Subjects, unless they intend to monopolize all the drinking to themselves; or else since their Sex has been so familiar with Bran­dy, blasphemed by the Name of cold Tea, a Jury of Red nosed Midwives have pronounced Wine to be a feeble, impotent Creature in comparison of that. They wonder why the Men should scruple to marry out of fear of Cuckoldom, and yet not scruple to drink stumm'd Wine for fear of a Fever. To which we reply that the Case is extremely different. Not one Man in an hundred gets a Fever by drinking; at the same time, scarce one in a hundred that is married escapes Cuckoldom. And, Gentlemen, is not that great odds?

They wou'd have you pass it into a Law, That every Man should be obliged to marry immediately after Twenty one; and in case he refuses so to do, to pay a good round Sum yearly for his Liberty: Though we are all of us agreed that One and Twenty is somewhat of the soonest to begin at. For why should a [...] be forbidden to travel upon the Road, unless he sets out exactly at Sun­rising; [Page 3] yet out of Complaisance to the Ladies we are willing to let it pass, though we are certain that half the Racers will be foundered before Thirty, provided al­ways (and to be sure they'll never mislike that Word either in an Act of Par­liament, or out of an Act of Parliament) that all Virgins or reputed Virgins, who are passed the Age of One and twenty, and have wherewithal to set up some honest, well-chined younger Brother, but tarry in expectation of striking a Country Square or Alderman's Son, shall be likewise amerced the same Sum for their Maiden-heads. The Ladies perhaps will here object that 'tis hard to be taxed for an invisible Estate; but we say, No. We can name them a hundred Tradesmen here in the City, that since the Revolution have paid for what they never had; those for instance that have been rated at 400 l. when they were not really worth one; and yet so valuable a thing is Reputation, whether we deserve it or no, lost nothing by the Bargain.

They would have none excused from Marriage, but only the impotent and frigid (which by the bye, Gentlemen, is full as severe as if you should vote that all must troop to the Wars but the Parsons) and desire you to erect a Court in every County, consisting of half a score experienced Matrons, who shall have full Authority to examine all Persons whom they suspect to carry clipp'd Money about them, fo fear they should put upon their Spouses, when it is not in their Power to change it. Pray not altogether so hasty, fair Ladies. Let your Court have some Men in it, and not all Women: Then we may expect to have Justice done us; for experienced Matrons are too much a Party concerned to be trusted by themselves. We demand whether it be convenient that only. Vintners and A [...]e-Drapers should have the sole Right of determining Measures. Vintners never think the Measures small enough; but it may so happen that your experien­ded Matrons, Anglice, your Midwives, may be of a different Opinion, and so think no Measure large enough. Gentlemen, do but remember the Tryers un­der the late Reign of Fanaticism; they were a parcel of Inquisitor-Divines set up by the then-no-Government, to licence all such Persons that were to be dispatched into the Vineyard. Now these conscientious Judges if they had a Q [...]arrel to a Man, certainly rejected him, and put him by though perhaps he was Master of a more unexceptionable Talent than several others that had passed the Pulpit-Master before him. This needs no Application.

They complain of the excessive maltitude of Misses and Harlots in and about the Town, who, as they express it, divert the Course of those Streams that would otherwise run in the regular Channel of Matrimony. 'Tis a sad Truth, we confess it, the number of these Interlopers is very grievous; and yet 'tis as sad a Truth that the Petitioning Ladies have occasion'd it. Let them but leave quarrelling about Jointures, and carry a little more Christian Complai­sance about them, and the other Fry would disappear in a moment: For Whores in a State are like Copper farthings in the way of Trade, only used for the Convenience of readier Change, But though these obdurate Females are re­ally accessory to the great Increase of Misses, they would have every Person of Quality who keeps one in his own Defence, pay a good swinging Fine to the [Page 4] Government. Is this reasonable or fair? Would Governour Walker, do y [...] think, have done like a Gentleman if he had fined his Heroes of London-Der [...]y for feeding on Horse-Flesh, contrary to the Statute, when they had nothing else to help themselves with. 'Tis the same in all Cases where there's no choice but downright nece [...]sity.

They would have you enact, since they find Wine is so potent a Rival, that none but married Men shall have the Priviledge of entring into a Tavern, that is modestly speaking, of being drunk. With all our hearts, Gentlemen, provided always that none but married Women shall be licensed to appear at the Theatre, Chocolate house, Whitehall or the Park; or if they do, that any vigorous Ca­valier shall have full Liberty to carry them off, without incurring the Fate of poor Sir John Johnson.

To present you at one view with the Merits of the Cause. The Ladies are weary of lying alone, and so are we: They would fain be advantageously mar­ried, and so would your humble Servants. The Quarrel therefore on their side is unjustly begun. They look upon us to be their Adversaries, whereas we have the same kind Inclinations to their Sex, as any of our Fore-fathers, the same Desires, the same Wishes, by the same Token we heartily believe they have equal Beauty, and equal, if not superiour, Charms to any of their Sex before them. But as in a long Tract of Time Innovations cannot fail to start up; so the La­dies either presuming on their own Strength, or on the Inadvertency of the Men, have trump'd up several New Doctrines upon us. A Courtship, as the Ladies are pleased to order it, is now the greatest Pennance any Man in the World can undergo. We must swear as many Oaths as would serve one of his Majesties largest Garrisons for a Twelve-month, till we are believed. We must treat them like Goddesses, lie prostrate at their Feet, make Presents so expensive and numerous, that perhaps the Wive's Portion will scarce make amends for what the Mistress extorted from us. Because Jacob could serve two Apprenticeships for his Rachel, they imagine that we must do the same; not considering that the Race of the Methuselabs and Patriarchs is quite extinct, and that this old Testa­ment-Lover, were he in our Circumstances, who begin to decay at Thirty, would have taken wiser and better Measures.

As in Duty bound, &c a.

AT this critical conjuncture, when every good subject ought to set his Hand to the Plow, and use his utmost endeavours to support the present Establishment, we have not been want­ing in our respective Stations to shew the sincerity of our Af­fection to it. As Fighting was never the Talent of our Tribe, we don't pretend to have obliged the Nation that way; nor dare we own our selves guilty of much praying, for that too is out of our Sphere; but with what alacrity and chearfulness we have drawn our Pens in their Majesties quarrel, let Paul's Church Yard and Westminster-Hall speak. No sooner is any Victory gained by our Forces in Flanders, but we take the Hint immediately, and Record it in Metre: Nay we may without vanity affirm, that cou'd Ryming have done the business, the English had long ago beat their Drums through Paris, sent the mighty Monarch to Grass, and reduced the Louvre and Versailles to Ashes. What is a farther indication of our good will to the Go­vernment, we have not only only rymed but prophesied for it, and if in the heat of inspiration we have laid the Scene of Conquest somewhat too early, and foretold Triumphs that did not happen at the time appointed, 'tis an errour on the right side, and we hope the Kingdom [Page 2] will as readily excuse it in us, as they have done some modern In­terpreters of the Revelations, who out of their great zeal to the Pro­testant Cause Prophesied the utter downfal of Antichrist wou'd cer­tainly come to pass last year; tho' to our great sorrow we all see that the Man of Sin is still alive and lusty, and in all probability will not be induced to break up House-keeping under two or three year more.

Gentlemen,

You have made us happy under a victorious Prince, whose immor­tal acquisitions employ our Muses daily. You have preserved our Religion, and 'tis certain we Poets have a regard to that above all things; you have likewise secured us in our properties, and how deeply that point concerns the Sons of Ryme and Harmony we need not mention. For this therefore, and several other important con­siderations, our Fraternity at the last general meeting, after having considered of several ways to express their gratit [...]de, did unanimously resolve to do what none of their Predecessours ever dreamt of, and in case your illustrious assembly shall think fit to approve of the pro­posal, [...]ffer to raise his Majesty six hundred thousand pound, and that too out of the Territories of Poetry. And tho' as all our an­cient Papers inform us, Parnassus is Apollo's peculiar, and never paid a farthing to any Government before, yet to testifie our Loyalty and Acknowledgement for the mighty things that have been done for the Nation of late, we shall chearfully contribute all that in us lyes, to the ease, benefit and advantage of the publick.

We need not remind you that Poets in all Ages and Countries of the World have been the sole dispensers of Fame and Glory. Now this being an Heroick Age, wherein every person is ambitious of Glo­ry more or less, and yet wou'd rather purchase it with his Money at home, notwithstanding the present scarcity thereof, than acquire it by his Merits abroad, we humbly crave leave that under your au­thority and protection we may be impowr'd to Erect a Glory Office in all the principal Corporations and Towns in the Kingdom.

We have so contrived matters that this Office shall hook in all sorts of Customers, Lords and Peasants, Court Ladies and Milk­maids, Clergy and Laity, in short, the whole populace, by what Names or Titles soever dignified and distinguished.

As there are Masons in the City so dexterous at their Trade, that they can build a House to last precisely the time you covenant for, nay can so contrive matters, that the Roof shall tumble the very mi­nute after the Lease is expired: so in our mystery we have Brethren that can write for a Day, for a Week, for a Month, for a Year, and so till Doomsday if the Chapman will go up to the price of it.

In Grub street they seldom write for above a Week. Some of the [Page 3] better sort in Pauls Cha [...]ch yard and about the Temple, with good look­ing after may last half a dozen years and upwards. The Wits of Co­vent-garden hold a shorter or longer space, according as they mix their colours, and some few among them pretend to confer immortality, and to endure for ever.

Now in proportion to these different Talents of Writing the seve­ral prices are to be regulated. Inferiour persons may have their Twelve pennyworth of Glory, (and under that rate we are agreed to fell none) and because Glory of that cheap composition cannot be supposed to keep long, we advise them to renew it twice a year. This branch of the Revenue is to be managed by the good people of Grubstreet, and the Commodity thus retailed is chiefly calculated for the Meridian of Dutch Troopers, Prentices, Milk-maids, Porters, Footmen, Farmers Eldest Sons, and Semstresses.

The middle sort of Glory from half a Crown up to twenty Shilling [...] is to be distributed by the City Poet for the time being, and his assi­stants. And this may indifferently serve Vintners that can palm a new Wine upon the World, Physitians that have broached a new Re­ligion, poor Townsmens Daughtets that have snapt an University Fortune, Country Attorneys that can set a whole Corporation toge­ther by the Ears, prolifick Divines that to their great renown have puissantly begotten twenty Children, projectors of Pacing Saddles, and all such useful inventions to the publick, Schoolmasters that have floged their thousand younger Brothers that have stole great fortunes, puny Tradesmen that from Pins and Pack-thread have scuffled their way into a Common Council-ship. And not to mention any more parti­culars, all people of middle condition who have done any thing famous and remarkable in their generation.

The highest pitch of Glory, going under the name of Elixir Immor­talitatis will be onely sold at Wills Coffee-house in Covent-garden, and will make the purchasers free of Epistles Dedicatory, Panegyricks, with the great priviledge and emoluments thereunto belonging. The price of it is just twenty Guineas, (wonderful cheap all things considered) and we doubt not will draw in infinite numbers to bid for it, such as Favourites and Courtiers, who wou'd rather buy glory at any rate, than put themselves to the expence of obtaining it by their own deserts. Penurious Aldermen who having no inclination to purchase reputation by building of Alms-houses, may here get it at a cheaper rate. Lords Pages that have advanced themselves to a Sea Commission, but have a mortal aversion to Wooden Legs. The fine dressing talkative Sparks of the Town that take Garrisons, and model Kingdoms over their Claret. In fine all those persons who have a passion for Fame and Glory, but cannot be persuaded to sacri­fice [Page 4] their ease, and pleasures, or venture a broken Shin for its sake. The only fear is, that to save charges some thrifty people will turn Poets in their own defence; but this inconvenience may easily be ob­viated by constituting a Supream Office here in Town, which shall have full Authority to place and displace as they shall see fit, and likewise to regulate the numbers of the City and Country Poets, as they have prudently done the numbers of Chairmen at Whi [...]e▪ hall.

We humbly conceive that the revenue belonging to this Office will in a years time with prudent management raise if not the whole, yet at least four parts of the sum proposed. However if it should happen to fall short of what we expect (for since the Gentry in two Welch Countries have lately renounced their Gentility to save twenty shillings a quarter, we may probably imagine that some per­sons for all their pretended Courtship of Glory will rather let it alone than turn purchasers) it cannot fail of being made up by the follow­ing expedients. We therefore desire that an Epithalamium Office may be erected somewhere near the Commons, were all people that pay Scot and Lot to the Parish may be obliged to come for their Wed­ding Ballad, (without which no Parson shall offer to Marry them under penalty of incuring a Poetical Censure) and that they shall pay either according to their quality, or the goodness of the verse. In the second place we propose an Elegy-Office, where not only Epitaphs of all sorts may be had (without which it shall not be lawful to bury the party deceased) but also Funeral ditties upon Ladies Lap-dogs, Parrots, Monkeys, Lord Mayor's and Alderman's Horses defunct: adjoining to which may be a Nativity-Office, where the Children of all such Parents that are qualified as above mentioned, may have their Nativities Registred in Ryme, and their Fortunes told into the bargain, which last favour will save their Friends the expence of go­ing into Morefield, or to Dr. Saffold's worthy Successour. For be it known to all the World, the Astrologers interlope upon the Poets, when they pretend to Prrophecy.

These Offices you may order to continue so long as the War lasts, whereby their Majesties shall receive six hundred thousand pound yearly. We need not say any thing of the Circulation of Wit, the em­ploying of many indigent persons, and lastly the great encouragement of the Paper Manufacture, all which will by this means be promoted and advanced. VVe only presume to lay our proposal at your Feet, and subscribe our selves Your most obedient Servants the Poets.

We have ordered the City Poet, who drew up this Proposal, to communicate this design to our dear Brethren the Poets of Holland, and to the rest of the Confederates whom it may concern.

LAst Week a Petition subscribed by the unmarried Ladies came before you, and what reception it found your selves know best. 'Tis true we wondered to find an Army of Maids, from whom the World usually expects modesty and silence, so emboldened on the sudden as to petition for Husbands, and that in the face of the World. Widows in­deed who lye under no such Restrictions, are allowed in all Countries to speak for them­selves; and 'tis but reasonable we should, for few besides will submit to the Trouble. 'Tis our Privilege to be obstreperous when we are not heard; and there is one of our Predecessors upon Record in the New Testament, who by Virtue of her everlasting Clack, forced an old musty Gentleman of the long Robe at last to grant her Request.

Now Heaven be praised, we are not unacquainted with Mankind, which the Maids, we sup­pose, won't pretend to; and therefore may appeal to them without infringing the Rules of Decency: We have seen them in their best and weakest Intervals We know what Weapons they carry [...]bout them, and how often they can discharge in an Engagement. We have in our times had very severe Condicts with them, and sometimes they were uppermost, and then they fell on like Thunder and Lightning; but for all that your Petitioners obliged them soon to quit the Field, and leave part of their Ammunition behind them. Give us leave, good Gentlemen, to talk of these our Combats; for we always fought upon the square, and therefore have no reason to be ashamed of a recital. As we hinted to you before, we have been concerned in several fierce Engagements, and the Men play'd their Sharps a­gainst us when we cou [...]d only produce Flats on our side; and, besides, they drew their heavy Canon upon us, while we were forced to lye by and receive their shot. After all, though we were so disadvantageously set upon, and the Blood shed that happened in these Occasions was always on our part; yet when the Fortune of the Battle began to change, and declare herself in favour of us, we never treated them otherwise than Christians; we never nailed up their Canon when we had it in our possession, so to render it unserviceable for the future, but gave them time to recover breath again, and furnish themselves with a new Train of Artillery: Is not this a generous and honourable way of treating an Enemy? In short (the Devil take that [Page 2] Word short, for your Petitioners mortally hate it) But in fine, we have been intimate with the Men, and the Men have been no less intimate with us; but what is the chief Errand that sent us here, we have every Woman of us buried her respective Man.

Not that we value our selves upon that score, for God forbid we should; but Widows will speak the Truth let the consequence be what it will, and should you make ten thousand Acts to oblige us to hold our Tongues, it would signifie just nothing, we should break them all in a moment, and that with as much Alacrity as the Vintners in Town daily break the Adultery-Act. Well then we have all of us buried her respective Man, which we mention not, Heaven knows our Hearts, out of Ostentation, but with due Grief and Sorrow. We know a Man's value too well not to regret the loss of so serviceable a Creature. We had all of us good able Husbands, at least we'll say so now they are gone; and though perhaps we had some reason to complain of them when they were alive, yet we forgive them all their Faults and Infirmities, for that single good natured Act of dying, and leaving us once more to our selves.

The foolish People of Athens after they had lost a good King, would have no more of the kind, forsooth, lest a bad one should succeed him. But your Petitioners are not such a scrupulous sort of People: We that have had good Husbands, are encouraged to try once more, out of hopes of meeting the same Success; and we that have had bad ones, are not for all that deterr'd from Matrimony, but hope to mend our hands in a second Bargain. After all, should we be deceived in our Expectations, the first may afford to undergo a little Penance since they were so happy before; and the latter being accustomed of old to bear Burdens, are therefore the better enabled to support themselves under them.

The Body of your Petitioners (for after so much Preface it is high time to come to busi­ness) consists of four several Classes; viz. the old Widows, the young or middle aged Wi­dows, the rich Widows, and the poor Widows, and each of them presents you with a different Petition.

To begin then with the old Widows, (and that preheminence is due to them upon the score of their Age and Experience) they humbly supplicate that you would he pleased to take their miserable Condition into Consideration. Old People according to the Proverb are twice Children; What wonder is it then if they still have a hankering after Childish Play­things, and long to have their Gums rubb'd with Coral? Pray don't mistake them, good Gentlemen, they mean it in a lawful, Matrimonial Sense, and hope you will not censure or think the worse of them for using this Freedom. They appeal to all the World who it is that most stand in want of warm, comfortable things, the young or the old: That 'tis the greatest Charity to relieve the last, needs no formal proof, all the Hospitals in the Kingdom speak as much; but alas in this uncharitable Age they don't expect to meet with many Friends. Upon this Consideration they intirely submit themselves to the Mercy of the House, not presuming to carry their Petition so high as to request you to force people to marry them; but only that you would recommend their Case to the benevolence of those Persons, who having lived wickedly and at large all their Life-time, are willing to compound for their Sins, and do Acts of supererrogation in the last Scene of it. Nor are they difficult in their choice, they will sit down content with any thin; and Cripples with Wooden Legs will be chearfully [...]ertained if they have received no damage in the distinguishing part.

Next to these come the rich Widows, and they earnestly beg of your Honourable House that you would make it Felony without Benefit of the Clergy, for any one to make Court to them before the mournful Twelfth-month is expired. They are so perpetually pestered with Suitors of all Complexions, that they can neither eat, nor sleep, nor pray for them. A new [Page 3] Favourite has not more humble Servants in a morning at his Levee nor the Commissioners of the Pay-Office a greater crowd of surly, grumbling Seamen than they have. Nay, some of their passionate Admirers have had the Impudence to accost them upon this Chapter as they have been following their Husband's Corps to the Grave, in the very heighth of their Sorrow, and in the mid'st of the Funeral Pomp, If you think it too severe to make it Felony in Persons so offending they desire you to commute the Punishment, and oblige every Person trespassing after that m [...]nner to marry some poor Widow as fancy inclines him; Which is all the Favour that the poor Widows beg at your hands.

And now comes up the main Body of the young and middle-aged Widows, who as they are by far the most numerous, especially since the Wars have made such havock among the Husbands; so they crave leave to lay their Petitions at your feet. But before they do that, they think it convenient to remove all those popular Slanders and Objections, which ill natured People have been long accustomed to level against Widows in genera; and because their Ad­versaries shall have no reason to complain that their Arguments are mangled, they will urge them as home as either themselves or their best Advocates could do it for them.

'Tis in the first place pretended that Widows want several of those Recommendations that set off the Sex, and particularly a Maiden head, without which no Wife they say can be ac­ceptable; that they are still trumping up Stories of their former Husbands, purposely to con­front their new ones, and so excessively talkative that nothing but Deafness is an Antidote against the Noise; that marrying a Widow is like splitting upon a Rock where others have been ship-wracked before. After this they run the Metaphor into Long-Lane, Second-hand Gloves Cloaths of another's wearing, and the Lord knows what impertinent Stuff: But we shall answer them all in order.

To begin then with the loss of a Maidenhead, about which they make so horrid a Cla­mour, we could tell them sad Stories of several of their Betters that on the Wedding-night have satified they have dug up this same Chimerical Treasure, though it was stolen many Months before: my, we have a hundred and more of our Company here, that if occasion were, cou [...]d attest this upon their own personal knowledge. So certain it is that the nicest Criticks among the Men may be as easily imposed upon in this Affair, as your pretenders to Antiquity in counterfeit Medals. But if no Woman can please them without this imaginary Wealth (and indeed 'tis no more, for most People take it upon Trust) we see no reason why a young Widow may not be as capable of obliging them as the best Virgin in the World. 'Tis but using a few Astringents before, and, at the critical Minute, crying out, Fie, Sir, pray, Sir, will you split me up? will you murder me alive? Can you take any pleasure in what is so painful to another? And the Sparks are satisfied they have made a real Sacrifice, though in Truth no more Blood was shed in the Encounter, than we see upon the Stage when one Actor kills another. If this is their dear Diversion (and by the bye 'tis a sure sign of their ill Nature that they cannot be pleased but at the expence of the Party, whom they pre­tend to love so dearly) rather than lose them, we promise them to howl, and sigh, and roar every Night in the Year, as heartily as an Ox, when he's led to the Slaughter-house, and so entertain them still with the Ceremony, at least, of their dearly beloved Maiden-Head.

In the next place why should we not permitted to refresh the Memory of a dull lazy husband with the noble performances of his Predecessors. The men in K. Charles the Second's Raign took the liberty to talk of the Glorious Conquests of our former fighting Monarchs, and yet for all that thought themselves as good Subjects as any in the kingdom. If the reproof is just where a God's name lies the harm, and surely the Wife must be allowed to be the best judge of that affair. Oh no, say they, 'tis not the Horse but the Man that best knows whether he rides easie. Content: But does not the Horse likewise know whether his Rider carries true [Page 4] Horseman's weight, and whether he sits even in the Saddle. If not, why wou'd Bucepha­lus suffer himself to be backed by none but Alexander the Great?

But then we are excessive talkative. So are they, and so are most of our Sex, but especi­ally the longing Maids, and under correction, if it is a Sin we are of opinion it sits better upon us than upon them. This is not all, Marrying a Widow is like spliting upon a Rock where others have been Shipwrack'd. Well, we are glad however 'tis like something. But since one simily is bost drove out by another. Why not, like drinking in a room where some honest Gentleman has made merry before. Since nothing will go down with these Squamish Creatures in the Matrimonial way but a spick and span new Virgin, we wonder why they don't keep up the frolick in every thing else; why as often as they drink they don't call still for a Virgin Glass; why they don't every Meal call for a Virgin Plate; why they don't still pull out a Virgin Snuff-box, lye in Virgin Sheets, talk Politicks in a Virgin Coffee House, and pursue their dearly beloved variety to the end of the Chapter Lastly, their indignation rises at the thoughts of Long-lane, and all Second-hand things whatever. If the Sparks are re­solved to be true to their Argument, we are well satisfied they must e'en say good night to all thinking and writing and talking: For at present they Tniak at Second h [...]d. and Write and Talk at Second hand, and this objection, as terrible as it looks, is a thred bare weather-beaten Second-hand Objection with a witness.

A late Monarch of happy Memory, who was inferior to none but Solomon in Natural Phi­losophy, and chiefly in what relates to our Sex, was often heard to say, that getting of a Maiden Head was a drudgery fit for none but Porters, We save all that I [...]boar and pains, for there needs no great trouble to enter a City when a Breach is once made in the Walls, and our Husbands have that satisfaction as to see their ground ploughed up ready to their hands. To conclude [...]ll, a Widow is a tryed Gun, and carries the Tower Mark upon her; now who knows but a Maid may split in the proving.

Having thus justified the State of Widowhood against all the objections that are used to be made against it we have nothing more to add but that you'd be pleased to give your consent to the three following Articles.

First, That all Persons who are not of known parts and abilities, may not only be rendred uncapable of marrying Maids or such as are reputed Maids but consined to the choice of Wi­dows only. This we request not so much for our own advantage, as for the ease of the Men; for you know several people can make a shift to keep the King's high way, that are not able to leap a Ditch or break open a Quickset.

Secondly, That all Persons resolving to marry before the age of twenty one, if they have made no Natural Experiments before that time, shall be likewise obliged to take a Widow, as they do P [...]lots in difficult or unknown places. 'Tis an ancient but well grounded complaint, that where two M [...]den Heads meet they produce nothing but meer Butter Prints, addle-pated Fops, and dull senseless sleepy Boobies. Now if you pals this into an Act, in all probability it will contribute much to the improving of our present degenerate Race, and certainly if ever we wanted solid heads, 't [...]s at this conjuncture.

Thirdly, and I [...], That all Widows during their Widow hood may be excused from the Taxes, for is i [...] [...]t hard, good Gentlemen to pay four Shillings in the Pound for empty Houses. We hope you will consider farther of these our reasonable Supplications.

And your Petitioners as in Duty, &c