A Diurnall is a puny Chronicle, ſcarce pin-feather'd with the wings of time: It is an Hiſtory in Sipp • ts; the Engliſh Iliads in a Nut-ſhell; the Apocryphal Parliaments booke of Maccabees in ſingle ſheets. It would tyre a Welch-pedigree, to reckon how many aps 'tis remov'd from an Annal: For it is of that Extract; onely of the younger Houſe, like a Shrimp to a Lobſter. The originall ſinner in this kind was Dutch, Galliobelgicus the Protoplaſt; and the moderne Mercuries but Hans • en Kelders. The Counteſſe of Zealand was brought to Bed of an Almanack; as many Children, as dayes in the yeare. It may be the Legiſlative Lady is of that Lynage; ſo ſhe ſpawnes the Diurnalls, and they at Westminster take them in Adoption, by the names of Scoticus, Civicus, Britanicus. In the Frontiſpice of the old Beldame. Diurnall, like the Contents of the Chapter, ſits the Houſe of Commons, judging the twelve Tribes of Iſrael. You may call them, the Kingdomes Anatomy before the weekly Kalender▪ For ſuch is a Diurnall; the day of the moneth, with what weather in the Common-wealth. 'Tis taken for the Pulſe of the Body-Politique; and the Empetick-Divines of the Aſſembly, thoſe ſpirituall Dragooners, thumbe it accordingly. Indeed it is a pretty Synopſis; and thoſe grave Rabbyes (though in point of Divinity) trade in no larger Authors. The Country-Carryer, when he buyes it for their Vicar, miſcalls it the Ʋrinall: yet properly enough; For it caſts the water of the State, ever ſince it ſtaled bloud. It differs from an Aulicus, as the Devill and his Exorciſt; or as a black Witch doth from a white one, whoſe office it to unravell her inchantments.

It begins uſually with an Ordinance, which is a Law ſtill-borne; dropt, before quickned by the Royall aſſent: 'Tis one of the Parliaments by-blowes, (Acts onely being legitimate) and hath no more Syre, then a Spaniſh Gennet, that's begotten by the wind.

Thus their Militia (like its Patton, Mars) is the iſſue onely of the Mother, without the concourſe of royall Jupiter.

Yet Law it is, if they Vote it, though in defiance to their Fundamentals; like the old Sexton, who ſwore his Clock went true, what ever the Sunne ſaid to the contrary.

The next Ingredient of a Diurnall is Plots, horrible plots; which with wonderfull Sagacity it hunts dry-foot, while they are yet in their Cauſes, before Materia prima can put on her Smock. How many ſuch ſits of the Mother have troubled the Kingdome, and (for all Sir Walter Earle looks like a Man-Midwife) not yet delivered of ſo much, as a Cuſhion? But Actours muſt have their Properties; And, ſince the Stages were voted downe, the onely Play-houſe is at Weſtminſter.

Suteable to their Plots are their Informers; Skippers and Taylours; Spaniells both for the Land and the Water: Good conſcionable Intelligence! For, however Pym's Bill may inflame the Reckoning, the honeſt Vermyn have not ſo much for Lying, as the Publique Faith.

Thus a zealous Borcher in Morefields, while he was contriving ſome Quirpo-cut of Church Government, by the help of his out-lying Eares, and the Otacouſticon of the Spirit, diſcovered ſuch a Plot, that Solden intends to combate Antiquity, and maintaine it was a Taylours Gooſe, that preſerved the Capitol.

I wonder my Lord of Canterbury is not once more all-to-be-Traytor'd for dealing with the Lions, to ſettle the Commiſſion of Array in the Tower. It would doe well to crampe the Articles Dormant, beſides the opportunity of reforming thoſe Beaſts of the Prerogative, and changing their prophaner names of Harry and Charles, into Nehemiah and Eleazer.

Suppoſe a Corne-cutter, being to give little Iſaack a eaſt of his Office, ſhould fall to pareing his Browes, miſtaking the one end for the other; becauſe he branches at both. This would be a Plot; and the next Diurnall would furniſh you with this Scale of Votes.

Reſolved upon the Queſtion; that this Act of the Corne-cutters was an abſolute Invaſion of the Cities Charter, in the repreſentative Forehead of Iſaack. Reſolved, that the evill Councellors about the Corne-cutter are Popiſhly affected, and Enemies to the State. Reſolved, that there be a publicke Thankeſgiving for the great deliverance of Iſaack's Brow-antlers; and a ſolemne Covenant drawne up, to defye the Corne-cutter and all his workes.

Thus the Quixotes of this Age ſight with the Windmills of their owne Heads; quell Monſters of their owne Creation; make Plots, and then diſcover them; as who ſitter to u • kennell the F • x, then the Tarryer, that is a part of him.

In the third place march their Adventures; the Roundheads Legend, the Rebells Romance; Stories of a larger fire, then the Eares of their Sect; able to ſtrangle the Beliefe of a Soli-fidian.

I'le preſent them in their order; and firſt, as a Whiff • ler before the ſhow, enter Stamford; one that trod the Stage with the firſt, travers'd his ground, made a legge and Exit. The Countrey People took him for one, that by Order of the Houſes was to dance a Morice through the Weſt of England. Well, hee's a nimble Gentleman; ſet him but upon Bankes his Horſe in a Saddle Rampant; and it is a great queſtion, which part of the Centaure ſhewes better tricks.

There was a vote paſſing to tranſlate him, with all his Equipage, into Monumentall-Gingerbread: but it was croſs'd by the Female-Committee, alledging that the valour of his Image would bite their Children by the Tongues.

This Cubit and an halfe of Commander, by the help of a Diurnall, routed his Enemyes fifty Miles off: 'tis ſtrange you'le ſay; and yet it is generally beleived, he would as ſoone doe it at that diſtance, as nearer hand. Sure it was his Sword, for which the weapon-ſalve was invented; that ſo wounding and healing, like loving Correlates, might both worke at the ſame removes.

But the Squibbe is run to the end of the Rope. Roome; for the Prodigy of Valour; Maddam Atropos in breeches▪ Wallers Knight-errantry: and, becauſe every Mountihanke muſt have his Zany, throw him in Haſlerigge, to ſet off his ſtory: theſe two, like Bell and the Dragon, are alwaies worſhipped in the ſame Chapter: they hunt in their Couples what one doth at the head, the other ſcores up at the beele.

Thus they kill a man over and over, an Hopkins and Sternhold murder the Pſalmes, with another to the ſame; one chimes all in, and then the other ſtrikes up, as the Saints-Bell.

I wonder, for how many lives my Lord Hoptons Soule tooke the Leaſe of his Body.

Firſt, Stamford ſlew him: then Waller out-killd that halfe a Barre: and yet it is thought the ſullen corps would ſcarce bleed, were both theſe Man-ſlayers never ſo neare it.

The fame goes of a Dutch Heads-man, that he would doe his Office with ſo much eaſe and Dexterity, that the Head after Execution ſhould ſtand ſtill upon the ſhoulders: pray God Sir William be not Probationer for the place. For, as if he had the like knack too, moſt of thoſe, whom the Diurnall hath ſlaine for him, to us poore Mortals ſeem untoucht.

Thus theſe Artificers of Death can kill the Man, without wounding the Body, like lightning, that melts the Sword and never ſinges the Scabbard.

This is the William, whoſe Lady is the Conquerour; This is the Cities Champion, and the Diurnalls delight; he, that Cuckolds the Generall in his Commiſſion: for he ſtalkes with Eſſex, and ſhootes under his Belly, becauſe his Oxcellency himſelfe is not charged there. Yet in all this Triumph there is a whip and a Bell: Tranſlate but the Scene to Round▪ way-downe: There Haſleriggs Lobſters were turnd into Crabs, and crawl'd backwards; there poore Sir William ranne to his Lady for a uſe of conſolation.

But the Diurnall is weary of the Arme of fleſh, and now begins an Hoſanna to Cromwell, one that hath beate up his Drummes cleane through the Old Teſtament: you may learne the Genealogy of our Saviour, by the names in his Regiment: The Muſter-Maſter uſes no other Liſt, then the firſt Chapter of Matthew.

With what face can they object to the King the bringing in of Forraigners, when themſelves intertaine ſuch an Army of Hebrews? This Cromwell is never ſo valorous, as when he is making Speeches for the Aſſociation, which nevertheleſſe he doth ſomewhat ominouſly, with his Neck awry, holding up his Eare, as if he expected Mahomets Pidgeon to come, and prompt him: He ſhould be a Bird of Prey too, by his bloody Beake: his Noſe is able to try a young Eagle, whether ſhe be lawfully begotten. But all is not Gold that gliſters: What we wonder at in the reſt of them, is naturall to him; to kill without Bloodſhed: For moſt of his Trophees are in a Church. Window: when a Looking Glaſſe would ſhew him more ſuperſtition: He is ſo perfect a hater of Images, that he hath defaced Gods in his owne Countenance: If he deale with Men, it is when he takes them napping in an old Monuments Then downe goes Duſt and Aſhes. And the ſtouteſt Cavalier is no better. O brave Oliver! Times voyder, Sub-ſizer to the Wormes; in whom Death, that formerly devoured our Anceſtors, now chewes the Cud: He ſayd Grace once, as if he would have falne aboard with the Marquiſſe of New-caſtle: Nay, and the Diurnall gave you his Bill of Fare; But it prov'd but a Running Banquet, as appeares by the Story. Believe him as hee whiſtles to his Cambridge Teeme of Committy-men; and he doth Wonders. But Holy men (like the Holy language) muſt be read backwards. They riſle Colledges, to promote Learning; and pull downe Churches for Edification. But Sacriledge is entailed upon him: There muſt be a Cromwell for Cathedralls, as well as Abbyes: A ſecure ſinner, whoſe offence carries its Pardon in its Mouth: For how can he be hang'd for Church-robbery, which gives it ſelfe the Benefit of the Clergy.

But for all Cromwells Noſe weares the Dominicall Letter, yet compared with Mancheſter, he is but like the Vigils to an Holy-day. This, this is the man of God; ſo ſanctified a Thunder bolt, that Burrowes in a proportionable blaſphemy to his Lords of Hoſts, would ſtile him the Arch-Angell, giving Battle to the Divell.

Indeed as the Angels, each of them makes a ſeverall, Species; ſo every one of his Souldiers is a diſtinct Church. Had theſe Beaſts beene to enter the Arke, it would have puzled Noah to have ſorted them into Paires. If ever there were a Rope of Sand, it was ſo many Sects twiſted into an Aſſociation.

They agree in nothing, but that they are all Adamites in Vnderſtanding: It is the ſigne of a Coward, to winke and Fight; yet all their Valour proceedes from their Ignorance.

But I wonder whence their Generals Purity proceedes; it is not by Traduction: if he was begotten Saint, it was by Equivocall Generation: for the Devill in the Father, is turn'd Monke in the Sonne; ſo his godlineſſe is of the ſame Parentage with good Lawes; both extracted out of bad Manners; and would he alter the Scripture, as he hath attempted the Creed, he might vary the Text, and ſay to Corruption, Thou art my Father.

This is he, that hath put out one of the Kingdoms eyes, by clouding our Mother-Vniverſity, and (if the Scotchmiſt further prevaile) will extinguiſh this other: He hath the like quarrell to both; becauſe both are ſtrong with the ſame Optick Nerve, knowing Loyalty. Barba • ous Rebell! who will be reveng'd upon all Learning, becauſe his Treaſon is beyond the Mercy of the Book.

The Diurnall as yet hath not talk't much of his Victories: but there is the more behind: For the Knight muſt alwaies beat the Gyant; That's reſolv'd. If any thing fall out amiſſe, which cannot be ſmothered, the Diurnall hath a Help at Mawe; It is but putting to Sea, and taking a Daniſh Fleet; or Brewing it with ſome ſucceſſe out of Ireland; and it goes downe merrily.

There are more Puppets, that move by the Wyre of a Diurnall; as Brereton and Gell; two of Mars his Pettytoes; ſuch ſniveling Cowards, that it is a favour to call them ſo, was Breroton to fight with his teeth as in all other things he reſembles the beaſt, he would have odds of any man at the weapon; O he's a terrible ſlaughterman at a Thankes-giving Dinner, had he been a Canniball to have eaten thoſe that he vanquiſh'd, his gut would have made him valiant.

The greateſt wonder is at Fairfax; how he comes to be a Babe of Grace? Certainly it is not in his perſonall, but (as the State Sophies diſtinguiſh) in his Politique Capacity; regenerated ab extra, by the zeale of the Houſe he ſate in, as Chickens are hatcht at Grand Cairo, by the Adoption of an Oven.

There is the Wood-Monger too, a feeble crutch to a declining cauſe; a new Branch of the old Oake of Reformation.

And now I ſpeake of Reformation, vous avez Fox, the Tinker; the livelieſt Embleme of it that may be; For what did this Parliament ever goe about to reforme, but Tinker-wiſe, in mending one Hole they made three.

But I have not Inke enough to cure all the Tetters and Ring-wormes of the State.

I will cloſe up all thus. The Victories of the Rebells are like the Magicall combate of Apul • ius; who, thinking he had ſlain three of his Enemies, found them at laſt, but a Triumvirate, of Bladders. Such, and ſo empty, are the Triumphs of a Diurnall: but ſo many impoſtumated Fancies, ſo many Bladders of their own Blowing.