CANTERBURY TALES: COMPOSED For the Entertainment of All Ingenuous young Men and Maids at their merry Meetings, upon Christmas, Easter, Whitsontide, or any other time; especially in long Winter Evenings, to keep good Wits imply'd.
Intermixt with pleasant Stories, witty Jests, and delightful Songs, very proper for either City, Town or Country, with an Epistle Dedicated to the Bakers, Smiths and Millers. By Chaucer Junior.
This may be printed, R. P.
Printed for I, Back at the Black Boy near the Draw-Bridge on London-Bridge, 1687.
The Dedication to the Bakers, Smith [...] Millers, and other Readers
YOV are presented here with a Choi [...] Banquet of delightful Tales, pleas [...] Stories, witty Iests, and merry Songs to [...]vert the young Men and Maids when [...] come to the Bake-house, Forge or Mill; [...] by these you may encrease your Trade and [...] Customers to you: for be sure the merry L [...] ses will go where they can be furnished with Tales, Stories and Iests; therefore these [...]re as necessary for you as a fair Wife for a fine Tavern, a young Hostess for an old Inn, or a Gazet for a Coffee-House. It is fitted for all manner of Persons, therefore I hope you will all furnish your selves with it; for it will be a rare Companion for Old and Young upo [...] many Oc [...]asions; especially at Christmas, Easter, VVhitsontide, or long Winter Evenings over a Cup of Nut-brown-Ale and Lambs-wool. In a word, you will find it a [...] comfortable as Matrimony, or as sweet as [...] Maiden-head at midnight, or a Sack-Posse [...] at the latter end of a Fire, what would yo [...] have more the young Men and Maids ma [...] laugh till their Lungs ake, and the old an [...] melancholly, will find Dr. Merryman the be [...] Physitian.
CANTERBVRY Tales.
(1.)
A Canterbury Carrier, driving his Waggon a-long the Road, called at a House to drink, knowing the Man's Wife to be very kind to her Guest; and that he [...]ght have the more opportunity for his design, [...]cquainted her Husband that his Horses was ve [...]y warm with hard Travelling; desired him to [...]rive a little way while he refreshed himself, [...]nd he would soon overtake him, and quit him [...]f his Charge: to the which, the Inn-keeper [...]eadily consented. During which time, the Car [...]ier addressed himself [...]o his loving Landlady, in [...] more than ordinary manner, insomuch, that [...]here was nothing he required, but she willingly consented to. In the Interim, came by a Gentleman who designed to drink at the Inn: but perceiving at a Window, the Amorous passages between these lusty Lovers, resolved as he could make no sport, so to spoil none; rid on, and soon overtook the Inn-keeper, driving the Carriers Waggon, accosted him thus: Friend, said he, at such an Inn, naming the House where the Inn-keeper lived: I saw a Woman, describing her to [Page] him, and one I suppose to be a VVaggoner, so fast linked in one anothers Arms, as if they intended never to be separated. By my Faith, replyed the Landlord, 'tis my own Wife, bu [...] I'le be revenged of the Rogue; so driving the VVaggon to a deep slowy place, over-turns it; leaving the Horses stuck fast in the mire: returns homeward, meets the Carrier, who asked him where his Horses and VVaggon was: O said the Landlord, they are safe enough from running away, for in yonder Slow the VVaggon is over-turned, and your Horses sticking fast in the mud: and what was your reason for that, says the Carrier? and what was your reason of your too much familiarity with my Wife, replyed the Inn-keeper? because, says the other, sweet opportunities are not to be let slip. Then answered the Landlord, sweet Meat requires sowre sawce: so home he went, telling his Wife how cunning [...]y he had been revenged of her Gallant.
(2.)
An unlucky Boy in Canterbury, got a great many a Rams-horns together in a Basket, went up and down the streets in VVinter-time; crying, here's choice of new Fruit. At length, an ancient Gentleman, that was Husband to a Beautiful young VVife, ask'd to see them, which as soon as he had, he replyed, you fool, do you think I want Horns? no says the Boy, tho' you are provided yet I may meet with some body [Page] [...]at is not: at which several Spectators laught [...]artily.
(3.)
A certain Shoemaker of Canterbury, by his [...]travagancy had wasted his whole stock; his [...]reditors coming fast upon him, was obliged to [...]ck up his St. Hughs Bones, and march off. Tra [...]elling towards London, near Rochester by the side [...] a VVood stood a Gentlemans House, and hard [...]y a couple of Turkies, who upon his approach, [...]ryed out; Cobble, Cobble, Cobble, to which he [...]ade answer, 'twas a lye for it was well known [...] was a Shoemaker and no Cobler. Being terri [...]ly vext, observing the coast to be clear, he whips [...]p one of the Turkies, clapping him under his Coat, and was a marching off; but considered [...]e had as good take the other for Company, which he did: but the Gentleman, looking out [...]f an obscure VVindow, observed all the Passages, who coming down, followed the Shoemaker, and soon overtook him: Friend, said he what business have you with that Turky? Sir, said the other, he hath defamed me; calling of me Cobler, when 'tis well known I am a Shoemaker: but says the Gentleman what do you design with the other? why truly, Sir said he, I take him along with me, to bear witness of my abuse.
(4.)
A Young Man and Maid living in Kent, being in Love together, but Marriage deferr'd by their Friends, by reason of the inequality in the Maidens [Page] Portion: they resolved to steal some private embraces, contrary to their Parents knowledge. And it fell out, they met together at Canterbury, that being a place pretty far from home, and not much acquainted. There they took Lodgings at a certain Inn: but the Man having some small business in the City, fell into Company, and night approaching, the young Maid waiting with patience, and no Lover came, ten a clock strikes, up stairs she goes, admiring to the House, that her pretended Husband did not come; desiring to have a little Sack Posset, thinking he might [...]at some after his Journey. That was made, brought up, and set on the Cupboards head with a Candle lighted, she being tyred, goes to Bed and there waits the happy hour, of her Lovers coming: Now you must understand, there comes a Bearh [...]ard, that had been newly landed in the Down's, with three lusty Bears; which being la [...]e was plac'd in a Stable-Room, just under the floor where the Lovers was to enjoy themselves: but one of the Bears winding the Sack Posset; begins to roar, when scratching the wall and finding it yield, made a large hole just in the stair-case, gets through and up stairs he comes into the Chamber, where the Maid was then fallen asle [...]p; the Bear mounting his twofore-feet on the C [...]bbord, to get to the Sac [...] Posset his claws hung so in the Cubboard-cloath that he pulls down the Sack Posset, Candle and all, upon him: which noise awakened the young Maid, [Page] [...]ho thinking her Lover was come, started up [...] a sudden, but seeing a hairy thing all on fire [...] the Bear was, by the Candles falling upon [...]m: she hid her [...]elf under the Bed-cloaths, [...]he Bear by rouling about, at length put out the [...]e on his back, and falls to licking up the Posset; which at length, so intoxicated his Brain, that being disposed to sle [...]p, he leaps on the bed, and their lyes; the fright whereof, caused our young VVoman to let fly behind. In the interim comes in her Lover, who ascending the stairs, half slu [...]er'd, falls on the Bed, hugging the Bear instead of his sweetheart; and begging her Pardon for his long stay: but he scented such a smell of bak'd, boyl'd, stew'd and Roasted, that he knew not what to think of it; calling out, my Dear, my Dear, why doest not speak? when in the midst of al [...] this Freak, the Bearheard miss'd his Bear, and looking for him, found the hole, where he had made his escape [...] comes up stairs with a lighted Torch, and three or four belonging to the [...]nn, discovered the whole in [...]rigue, to the no small shame of the two Amoretta's.
(5.)
At a Coffee-house in Cant [...]rbury, several Gentlemen were together: one was asking what news they heard from London, why reply'd, another [...] there was forty thousand Men rose yesterday morning; which made them all to wonder, and ask if he knew for what, yes says he, only to goe to Bed when night came: which occasion'd a great laughter.
(6.)
In Canterbury, there was a Carpenter that ha [...] married a handsome young wife; and he had [...] Gentleman that had boarded with him, that pre [...]tended to study Astrology; but no otherwis [...] than to gu [...]l the Husband and lye with his VVife, who had promised him that favour, if he could beguile the Carpenter. Now this Gentleman had a Rival, that had a months mind to have a lick at her Honey-pot, but she hated him and loved her Boarder. It happened that the Carpenter miss'd his Boarder upon a time, and searching about, found him in a Cock-loft, looking up toward the Skie: what's the matter, quoth he? Oh says the Gentleman, I find by Astrology that on Monday next at quarter-night, there will fall such a Prodigious Rain that Noah's Flood was not half so great; therefore get quickly thr [...]e Bucking-Tubs that we may get into them, and tye them to the top of the Garret, that we may save our Lives: the Carpenter quak'd for fear, got three Tubs, and at night, he and his wife and the boarder, climb a Ladder and severally get in. After much sighing, the Carpenter falls asleep, and the Gentleman and the Landlady, merrily marches to to their intended business: but while they were at it, the Rival knocks at the door and entreats her to grant him a Kiss; now, said she to the Boarder, you shall laugh your fill: my Dearest, quoth she, come close to the window, and I will be with you immediately: the Rival wipes his [Page] mouth to receive the kiss. At length, she opens [...]e VVindow, and desires what he does to do [...]ickly: now the night was very dark, and she [...]lt about till she found him, and to tell the Tale either better nor worse; he very savourly kiss'd [...]r bare Arse. The Rival cruelly vext; got a [...]ed hot iron, and comes again, tell her he had [...]rought her a Ring, provided she would give [...]im another kiss; and the Boarder thinking to [...]ncrease the sport, places his Arse out at the same window; which his Rival did singe and burn, [...]hat he cried out, water, water, water; at which, [...]he poor Carpenter thinking that Noah's Flood [...]as come, starts on a sudden, out of the Bucking- [...]ub, fell upon the floor, broke his noddle, be [...]ss'd his Breeches; and at l [...]ngth discovers all [...]he intreague.
(7.)
A VVoman sitting with Fish in Canterbury Market, would always have a saying to Men when they came to buy any thing: As a Man was cheapning her Fish, says she to him, as you intend to have some of my Fish in your Belly, so I would fain have some of your Flesh in my Belly; no says he, I can't spare my Flesh to such an ugly Puss as you: No, no, reply'd she, I did not mean as you mean, I mean your nose in my Arse.
(8.)
A Gentleman living at Canterbury, having a So [...], who was none of the Off-spring of Solomon, [Page] his name being William; used to frequent a Farmers House, n [...]ar the City; was very freely received in respect of his Parents, or rather, nonsensicall Figaries. One day above th [...] rest; it happened that honest Will. coming to the Farmers, and he being all alone at home, though [...] to have some Pastime with the Fool proposes to have Will. play at Blind-mans-buff: Lots being drawn who should be first blinded, it happened to the Farmer, whereupon Will. tyes a Napkin fast over his eyes, so that he might not see. In the mean time, the Fool capers about the Room, and the Farmer as fast after him to catcht him: but whilst they were traversing the Kitchin; the Fool espies several Hogs-puddings hanging in the Chimney, and having a mind [...]o them; he cryes out, You see, you s [...]e: no faith Will I don't, replyed the Farmer, drawing the Napkin more over his Eyes; in which time the Fool Whips down ha [...]f a scor [...]. Links of Puddings out of the Chimney, and the Door standing open, away he trips with them; and the Farmer, in the mean time, calling out [...]ill. where art thou; speak? but having no answer pulls of the Napkin, and finding what had happened, and the Fool gone; horridly vext, unties his House-dog, which in the day-time, was always chamed up; sends hi [...] eag [...]rly after hon [...]st Will: but when he cam [...] near the Fool, he cryed out. Oh poor Dog don' [...] meddle with poor Will. throwing down a Pudding, which wh [...]le the Dog devouring, he go [...] [Page] [...]bout twenty yards in ground; and so held him [...] play till he got to his Father's House: where relating the whole story to all the [...]amily, caused [...] great deal of Mirth, which the Farmer hearing of; was so ashamed, in being out-witted by [...] Fool: that for a twelvemonth after, he would [...]ot [...] come to the Gentleman's House. But at [...]ngth by much solliciting, and that the Gentlem [...]n would promise that his Son should say nothing, he came to Dinner: but in the midst, before a great Company that was there, the Fool cryed ou [...] to the Farmer, calling him by his [...]ame. Remember the Pudding, Remember the Pudding; which so aba [...]h'd the Farmer, that he immediately rises up from Dinner, and went away, and never would come to the House again.
(9.)
A c [...]rtain Gentleman formerly of Canterbury, a little before his death, made his Will, and bequeath'd a considerable Portion to a Neece; leaving his own Brother as her Guardian, and the young Gentlewoman being near at Age: this Covetous old Man fearing she would marry and the Estate go from him. By the instigation of the Devil, resolves upon her Destruction; the night was come, where this Guardian purposed to put his horrid Design in Execution: Himself with two or three more in the dead time of the night, beset her House; when behold Providence had allotted a far better success to this Vertuous and Religious Gentlewoman; for [Page] the same Evening, a Gentleman be-lated on the Road, implores h [...]r favour for a nights Lodging; which she granted him, in consideration it was some distance from Canterbury, and no Village nearer and the night proving very dark and rai [...]ny, and he a stranger. All being a bed this wicked Guardian with his damn'd Accomplices, of [...]fers to break into the House; which the young Lady hearing, runs to this strange Gentleman [...] Chamber begging her life of him, thinking he belonged to those without: but he protested by all that is Sacred, he knew nothing of them but would spend the last drop of blood he had [...] in her Defence. In order, to which he descended the stairs into the yard, where those Villains were breaking in, and discharged his Pistol [...] which happily shot one in the head; who falling so discouraged the rest, that they betook them selves to flight, leaving the dead Body in the place, who in the morning was found to be the Ladies Uncle and Guardian. Which Villany being thus discovered caused the Lady to respect the Gentleman, who was a younger Brother of a good Family, and of a small Estate: but for his Generous vent [...]ing his Life, in her defence, so valiantly. She in a short time, made him her Husband and Master of a plentiful Estate; living together in great Love and prosperity enjoying that which was so wickedly aimed at, by that Monster of a Man, her cursed Uncle.
(10.)
Some Company being at a Tavern in Canter [...]y a drinking, one requested another to pledge [...], but he refused; saying, he resolved to leave [...] drinking, because it made him have a short [...]emory; which occasioned the other to l [...]ugh [...]d reply that he would drink on still, for it made [...]m have a long Memory: for since said he, I [...]ve us'd to drink hard, I am a twelve month [...] remembring that I could a called to mind in a [...]oment before, so I think I have a long Memory.
(11.)
A Beautiful young Gentlewoman of Canterbury, [...]eing wedded to an old Man in respect of his [...]iches, he being as full of Ice, as she of Fire, [...]d a mind to try the difference between young [...]nd old Flesh, shewed some Kindness more than [...]rdinary to her Serving-man; which he perceiving, [...]ays hold of all Opportunities to address himself [...]o her by way of Love; but she would not yield [...]o his Desire, unless he would contrive some way to cornute her Husband in his presence and he not to believe it, this caused the Serving-man to stretch his Invention upon the Rack, who at last acquainted his Mistress that he had found an Experiment to do it, provided she would wh [...]n her Husband and she was a walking in the Garden, pretend to Long for some Fruit on some of he highest Trees, and to leave to him the management of the rest, which accordingly she did: The old Man calling his Man to ascend the [Page] Tree to gather the Fruit; which, as soon as h [...] had got up, cryed out with a loud Voice, Master Master, leave off for shame, I never in all m [...] life see so unseemly a [...] Action, for shame dise [...]gage your self from my Mistress, or else some of the Neighbours will see you: the old Man amazed at this Language, asked if the Fellow was mad, and what he meant? O Sir, said the Man, the Tree is either bewitched, or else I can [...]not believe mine own Eyes; for I fancy I see you upon my Mistress. Come down, come down, and let me get up the Tree to know if, it seems so to me; the Fellow comes down and the old Man gets up: in the Interim, the young Fellow fell to work with his Mistress, the old Man looks down and sees it, cries out, in good Faith says he, it seems to me just as it did to you, for methinks I see you upon your Mistress as perfectly as if it was really so: the old Man gets down and thinks the Tree bewitched [...] orders presently to be cut down, for fear it should infect the rest. Thus was the old Man made a [...]uckold to his own Face and would not believe it.
(12)
A Tinker going through Canterbury, sounds briskly on his Kettle, crying have you any worl [...] for a Tinker; upon which, a certain Shop-keeper living over-against the Pillory, standing at his Door, was minded to put a Je [...]t upon the Tinker; bid him stop those two holes, pointing to [Page] [...]he Pillory, to whom the Tinker said, Sir, i [...] [...]ou please to lend me your Head and Ears, [...] will find a Hammer and Nails and give you [...]y Labour into the Bargain.
(13)
A young Man of Canterbury, by his Extrava [...]ancy had spent all his Estate, and keeping ill Company accustomed himself to get Mony by [...]nlawful ways: one Morning going to the Ca [...]hedral to Prayers, more to see if he could meet [...]ith a Booty than any Intention of Goodness: [...] happens to meet with a Country Farmer who [...]ad a heavy purse of Mony in his Pocket, which [...]e perceived, watched an Opportunity, soon [...]ade it his own, and marching off with it; met [...]t the Cathedral door two or three of his boon Companions, whom he made acquainted of his [...]eing fuller of Mony than ordinary, and invited [...]hem to a Tavern not far off, promising to treat [...]hem: Prayers ending, and and the Mony miss'd, caused the Looser to make inquiry after it, which one hearing, remembred the Passages of our Sparks at the door, and acquainted him of it; advising him to take an Officer and search them at the Tavern, and he need not question finding his Mony: which Advice he took, when coming where the Company were, and charging them stoutly with it. Our Sharper inquired the Marks of the Purse and what Sum was in it, pretending he found it; to which the Farmer answered, just 5 [...] l. at which he said it was so, but [Page] he had spent 5 s. and the rest he was willing to r [...]turn, but the Looser would have his whole Sum or else he would have him before a Magistrate [...] which our youngster perceiving, and the Mon [...] lay upon the Table, he whips it into his Pocke [...] again, so makes his Escape being followed by the Officer, he had not run far, but an Ass stood in his way, our Offender taking hold of his Ta [...] pulled it off, when running on, he hap'ned to run over a woman big with Child, upon which miscarried; still running on he run against a Ladder that a Plaisterer was at work on, and flung the Plaisterer on the Officer who had his Arm broke [...] seeing these Mischiefs hap'ning, and fearing to commit more, he suffer'd himself to be taken and carri'd before a Justice: The Farmer made a Complaint for the loss of his 5. l. the Man forthe loss of his Asses Tail, the womans Husband for the loss of his Child, and the Officer for his broken Arm; all which Complaints deliver'd against the Delinquent, and seriously weighed by the Magistrate, he consider'd the Retaliation was the best method he could use; therefore he order'd that since the Looser would not abate the 5 s [...] spent, the Offender should keep it till he could make up the whole Sum, and then deliver it: A [...] for the Man whose Asses tail he had pulled off; th [...] Offender should take and keep the Ass and mak [...] use of him, till such time as his Tail was grown [...]gain, and then deliver it to the owner: and fo [...] the Woman who miscarry'd, the Offender should [Page] [...]ake and keep and lye with, till such time she was as forward with Child, as when she miscarri'd, and then to deliver her to her Husband; [...]nd lastly, for the Officer whose Arm was broke, [...]e was order'd to ascend the Ladder, and the Delinquent to stand under it, that the Plaisterer might run against it, and fling it down, that the Officer might fall upon the Offender and break [...]is Arm as the others was before; thus was the order of the Magistrate, which was put in Ex [...]cution, but I leave the Readers to imagine.
(14.)
A handsome young Maid that waited upon a Physitian's Wife in Canterbury, had a young Man addressed himself to her, in hopes of gaining her Love; and as she was but a Servant, his Visits was chiefly a nights after the rest of the Family was in Bed: now it hap'ned one night, the young Man was not very well, and the Maid out of her tender Love, would go into her Mistresses Room where his Physick was, and fetcht him some thing that was good, but he going a-long with her, would be tasting several things, till at last he took a Dose of Opium: now they being both returned into the former Room, s [...]tting very lovingly kissing and expressing their Affections after a little time of silence, the Maid finds her Lover fallen a sleep, jogs him, but could not wake him, mistrusts what he had taken, did not know what to do; bnt to prevent a discovery, puts him into a Chest that was in the Room, thinking he might [Page] come to himself by morning, she goes to bed, and falls a sleep being pretty late, soon after a parcel of Thieves beset the House, all being fast a sleep breaks in, binds all the Family, taking a great deal of Mony, Plate and Linen, ties it up in a Blanket and carrying it off, the Blanket rent in the outer Room, and all their Booty fell about: they seeing the Chest, opens it, and being deep, sees nothing at the bottom. In they put the Linen, Plate and Mony, and away they carry it to one of their homes, which was not far off; morning comes, the robbing was noised all about the City, and search was made, but no discovery; the Rogues havi [...]g not time to divide the Spoil, set it in one of their bed-chambers, now next morning our young Lover awakes, struggles and gets out of the Chest, the woman being only in bed was frighted; out she gets, down stairs she runs in her smock crying out murder, murder, murder, which the Neighbors hearing, runs to see what was the matter, discourses the whole business, and upon further Examination, our young Lovers pe [...]vate Enjoyments was publickly known, the Robbery made very plain, and the Actors of it seized, sent to Prison, and afterwards Try'd, Cast and Executed for the same.
15.
A married Gentleman coming through Cante [...]bury, his Horse threw him, which a young Gentlewoman seeing, fell a laughing; the Man being terribly vext that she should laugh at hi [...] [Page] fall, angerly said, Madam, pray admire not at this, for my Horse always stumbles when he meets a Whore; she sharply reply'd, have a care then Sir, you do not meet your Wife, for then you will certainly break your neck.
(16.)
A Gentleman living at Canterbury, being to go to London, and having no opportunity of re [...]urning a great sum of Mony which he should have occasion for, takes it in Gold, and sows it up in the wast-band of his Man's Breeches, who was a good lusty Fellow, but a great [...]oward; fearing he might meet with some opposition upon the Road, and that he should be soundly beat if the Gold was not discover'd, and no Mony sound about them: he puts 5 s. in his own Pocket, and gave his Man 20 s. in his, as it was always his Custom to order his Man to pay upon the Road, and give him an Account. Now it hap'ned, when they were in a lone place, of a sudden started out of a Wood three Men well mounted, two laying hold of the Gentleman's hors [...]s Bridle, and one of the Mans, with their Pistols cockt, commanding them to stand; the Gentleman desired them to be civil, but however they was earnest for Mony; the Gentleman told them he had no more than to bear their Charges to London, putting his hand into his Pocket, gave them what he had, and they going to the Man to see what he had; the Gentleman calls to him by his Name, bidding him give the Gentlemen [Page] his Money, which the Fellow putting his hand in his Pocket gave it them, and they going away; but the Fellow crying out aloud to his Master, who was a liittle distance from him, must I give them the Gold Master? which they immediately hearing, return'd, searched him, and took it away: The Gentleman horridly vext, sed little, but before they went away, desired that they would pleasure him in one thing, and he should acknowledge it a Favor, that was to take his Man and thrash him stoutly; they being all alighted, belabour'd him to the purpose: in the mean time, their Horses graising about, was not very near; the Fellow feeling the dry Blows, in a Rage draws his Hanger which he had by his side, furiously lays about him; kills two upon the spot, disables the other, taking the Mony back again, with some from the Rogues, which his Master let him have for his pains, though blaming him for his great simplicity in speaking of the Gold.