Licensed Octob. 9. 1673.

Roger L'Estrange.

Cambridge JESTS, OR WITTY ALARUMS FOR Melancholy Spirits.

By a Lover of Ha, Ha, He.

LONDON, Printed for Samuel Lowndes, and are to be sold at his Shop over against Exeter-House in the Strand. MDCLXXIV.



A Young Lady having of a long time had a desire to have her Picture drawn by an excel­lent Limner, sent for him, and told him, That for as much as she had heard he was an excellent Artist, she desired he would draw her to the life, as she was, a Maid, and exact­ly of the same stature. The Painter ha­ving used the utmost of his Art to resemble her Features to the life, brought home the Piece; in the which she could find no fault, except that he had drawn her a lit­tle less than she was. Oh Madam, said [Page 2] he, Posterity would never believe my Draught, had I made you any taller; for 'tis very rare in this Age, to find a Maid so bigg.


'Twas in the Rebellious Times of Oli­ver, that a Phanatical Souldier came drunk into Kings Colledge Chappel at Cambridge and going to the place where Prayers used to be read, he began to rail against the King, the Bishops, and particularly the two Universities, calling them the two Eyes of the Devil; adding moreover, that as his party had ruined the Walls of one, meaning that of Oxford, so they would deface the other of Cambridge. Nay then, replied a Scholar, I perceive Cambridge will be defaced when the Devil is blind,


A Gentleman that had occasion to rise early the next Morning, bid his Footman wake him at six a Clock, the little lad o­ver vigilant, awaked at four, and came and pulled his Master; Well how now, said his Master, what is it a clock? Four, repli­ed the youth; And why Sirrah, said he, have you awaked me so soon? Oh Sir, said he, I came to tell you that you had two hours more to sleep.


A Student in the University, sent one day to his Fellow Collegian, desiring to bor­row such a certain Book, the other unwil­ling to lend it, sent back word, That he had resolved never to let that Book go out of his Chamber, but if he pleased he might come and read as long as he would; not long after having himself occasion for a pair of Bellows, he sent to borrow them of the other, to whom he had formerly denied his Book; but received this witty denial, for said the other to the Messenger, I use not to lend out my Bellows, but if he please to come here, he may blow as long as he will.


Some Gentlemen meeting their Friend that was in mourning for his Mother, up­on a Horse whose Saddle was of Green Velvet, began to laugh at him for the dis­agreeableness of his Mourning Habit with the Green Saddle. Why Gentlemen, said he, you know I mourn for my Mother, and therefore wear these Black Garments; but the Maere that brought forth my Horse is yet living, and till she die, there is no reason that he should mourn.


An old Miser in France, that grudg'd his Servants their Victuals, causing them to mingle three times as much Water with their Wine, seeing one of his servants feed heartily, What, said he, will your Grin­ders never be at rest? How can they, reply'd the Servant, as long as they have so much Water?


A Bishop rising up in Arms against his Prince, was overthrown and taken as he was clad in his Armour, and by the Kings Commands clapt up. The Pope hearing of it, complained to the King of breach of the Church Priviledges, that one of her Sons was imprisoned: Hereupon the King sends back the Messenger with the Bishops Armour, desiring the Pope to send him word, Whether those were the Garments of any of his Sons?


Pope Julius the Third when he was made Pope, gave his Hat unto a young Favorite of his, with great scandal, whereupon a Cardinal that used to be free with him, said, What did your Holiness see in that young man, to make him Cardinal? [Page 5] Julius answered, What did you see in me to make me Pope?


A notorious Rogue being brought to the Bar, and knowing his Case to be de­sperate, cry'd out aloud, I charge you in the Kings name to seize and take away that man (meaning the Judge) in the red Gown, for I go in danger of my life because of him.


Amongst some Women that were chat­ting of their Husbands, Truly, said one, my Husband is the liquorishest Man in the World, for I had a little Pot of Honey sent me by a Cosin out of Hampshire, and I can no sooner turn my Breech but his Nose is in it.


Another good Wife having drunke a little too largely in the Morning, fell asleep in the Church, and began to snore so loud that her next Neighbour jogged her. Oh pray give the Cup to my Gossip there, said she, for I cannot drink one drop more.


A Countrey Fellow being set upon by a Mastiff, kill'd him with his Pitchfork, the owner of the Dog demanded satisfaction, [Page 6] and brought him before the Justice: But still the Clown pleaded he did it in his own defence. Nevertheless you ought, said the Justice, to have struck him with the o­ther end of your Staffe. Truly so I would, said the Peasant, had he run at me with his Tail.


Francis the First of France, often used for his pleasure to go disguised; walking thus one day in the company of the Cardi­nal of Bourbon, he met with a Peasant with a new pair of Shoes upon his Arm; so he called to him, and said, What did they cost thee? the Peasant said, Guess; the King said, I think some five Sols; said the Pea­sant. You have lied but one Carlois. What Villain, said the Cardinal, thou art dead; it is the King: To which the Peasant reply'd, The Devil take him, of me, or you that knew so much.


One having occasion to rise early, bid his Man look out and see if it were day; the man reply'd, It was dark; Why then Fool, said he, 'tis no wonder if thou canst not see, take a Candle and hold out of the Window.


A Souldier quartering in New-Mar­ket, often observed a young Countrey Wench that sold Pigs every Market day; whereupon he went to her one day, and desired to see some Pigs; having seen seve­ral, he said at last, He would have one that was alive, so she shewed him one that she had in a Bag. Well, Sweet heart, said he, I live hard by and must go shew the Pig to my Captain, if he like it, you shall have three shillings for it, in the mean time I will leave the price with you. Thus having got the Pig tied up in the Bag, he went to his Lodging, and put a Dog into the Bag in­stead of it, and returning quickly to the Damosel, said, Truly his Captain did not like the Pig; and therefore she took the Bag without looking into it, and gave him his Money. Not long after came a French Monsieur in haste to buy a Pig, but not liking those that were dead, would have a live one. Sir, said she, I have one of the same bigness alive, the price is so much. Well, here is your money, said he, but how shall I carry it? Why for a groat you shall have Poke and all. Poke, what is d'at? said the Frenchman. 'Tis a Bag Sir, said she, that it is tied up in. Oh de Bag, is dat de [Page 8] Poke? well here is a groat. Thus away he goes with his Bargain home, but when he comes to look in the Poke, O de Dia­ble; says he, is dis de Pig? de Dible take me, if I do buy de Pig in de Poke agin.


A Taylor that was ever accustomed to steal some of the Cloth his Customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a Suit, stole half a yard; his Wife perceiving it, asked the reason; Oh, said he, 'tis to keep my hands in use, least at any time I should forget it.


A Scholar that fancy'd himself to sing well, notwithstanding he had a very hoarse voice; having often observed that a poor woman was used to cry when she heard him sing, asked her at last the reason. Truly Sir, said she, when through poverty I had sold all my goods, and had nothing left but a poor Ass, at last I lost my Ass, and I ne­ver hear you sing, but you put me in mind of it.


A Cook leaving his Master, who was very miserable and sparing in his Diet; when his Master asked him the reason, Truly Sir, said he, I am afraid that if I [Page 9] stay here long, I should forget my Trade.


One seeing a bare-legg'd Fellow run on an errand, said, Do you hear friend, when those Stockings are worn out, I will give you a new pair. I thank you Sir, replied the other, these Stockings have lasted me a great while; I have also a pair of Breeches of the same Stuffe, that never had but one hole in them, and that's at your service too.


A Gentleman passing by, a poor man asked alms of him; whereupon the Gen­tleman asked him what he lived upon? Sir, said he, I can make no answer to that; but had you asked me what I die of? I should have told you of hunger.


A drunken Hector being brought be­fore a Justice of Peace upon the account of Swearing, was commanded to deposite his Fine, which was two shillings: there­upon plucking out a Half-Crown, said, Pray what should I have paid had I cursed? the Justice told him Six pence: Then, quoth he, a pox take you all for a company of Knaves and Fools, and there's Half a Crown for you; I will never stand changing of Money.


A Gentleman meeting the Kings Jester, asked, What news? Why Sir, reply'd he, There are forty thousand men risen to day. I pray to what end, said the other, and what do they intend? Why to go to bed again at night, said he.


A Gentleman playing a Game at Tables in a Chamber in Fleet-street, four stories high, had so ordered his Game, that no chance of the Dice could lose it but one; yet it so happen'd that that chance came; whereupon he grew so passionate, that bringing down the Tables into the Street, he made a stop, and asking the next Gen­tleman that came if he understood the Game, the Gentleman said he did; Then pray Sir, said he, what do you think could lose me the Game? then pausing a little, I think there's nothing but such a chance. Why then, said the passionate Gamester, God dam me, if I have not thrown it.


One asked, Why men sooner gave to poor people that begged, than to Scholars? 'Tis, said one, because they think they may sooner come to be poor, than to be Scho­lars.


A Courtier having begg'd a rich Land­ed Fool of the King, made him wait up­on him; so the Fool coming one day with his Master to a Gentlemans House, where the Picture of a Fool was wrought in a rich Suit of Arras Hangings, cut out the Fool with his knife; and being accused for it, You have more reason, said he, to commend, and give me thanks for it; for had my Master seen the Picture of a Fool in your Hangings, he would have begg'd them of the King.


A Countreyman coming to Paris with his Ass loaded, the Beast stuck in a d [...]rty place of the Road; wherefore the Peasant struck him with a stick to make him rise: till at last a Courtier passing by, said, How now Villain, art thou not ashamed to abuse thy Beast so? If thou strikest him a­gain, I will give thee a hundred blows with the same Cudgel. The poor man ignorant what to do, pull'd off his Hat till the Gen­tleman was past, and then began to beat his Beast worse than before; saying, How now mine Ass, who would have thought that thou hadst had friends at Court?


A French Peasant passing by a Ditch with his Cart full of Onions, the Cart o­verturned, and the Onions fell into the Water; then seeing there was no remedy, Morebleau, said he, here wants nothing but salt to make good pottage.


A Stranger being much necessitated, as he walked into the City, to do that no one could do for him; and being in a place far from any of his acquaintances, and void of convenience for that purpose, went into an Upholsters Shop, and asked the Man to shew him a Close-Stool, which being done, he asked if he had no better; Yes Sir, we have, said he, of all coloured Velvet: Go then, said he, and fetch two or three; in the mean time he let down his Breeches and sate down; the Upholsterer seeing him in that posture, asked him, What he did? I am trying it, said he, and pulling up his Breeches, I will have none of them, they are all too low.


An Apprentice of London being brought before the Chamberlain by his Master, for the sin of incontinency, even with his own Mistriss; the Chamberlain thereupon gave [Page 13] him many Christian Exhortations, and at last mentioned and press'd the Chastity of Joseph, when his Mistriss tempted him with the like crime of incontinency. I Sir, said the Apprentice, but if Joseph's Mi­striss had been as handsome as mine is, he could not have forborn.


It happen'd in Chancery, when the Council of the Parties set forth the boun­dary of the Land in question, by the Plot, and the Council of one part, said, We lie on this side, my Lrod; and the Council of the other part, said, We lie on this side; the Lord Chancellor stood up and said, If you lie on both sides, whom will you have me believe?


It happen'd that an old and a young Gentleman courted a young Lady, and both one day met at her House together; the young one being much troubled at the sight of his Rival, said mocking, Pray Sir, how old are you? To which the old man answered, 'Twere hard for me to tell you exactly my age, because I never reckoned it, but I am very certain that an Ass of twenty is older than a man of forty.


A young Horseman being mounted, was carried away by his Horse, his Friends fearing the Horse would throw him, call'd to him to stay him; How should I stay him, said he, seeing I have no spurs?


A prudent Gentleman in the beginning of the Rebellious Times, as he lay on his Death-bed, was asked how he would be buried? he answered, With my face down­ward, for within a while this England will be turned upside down, and then I shall lie right.


Sir Nicholas Bacon being appointed Judge for the Northern Circuit, was by a Malefactor mightily importuned to save his life; but when nothing he could say did avail, he desired his mercy on the ac­count of kindred: Pretheee, said my Lord Judge, how comes that in? Why, if it please you, my Lord, your name is Bacon, and mine is Hog, and those two have ever been so near related, that they cannot be separated. I but, replied Judge Bacon, you and I can­not be kindred, except you be hanged; for Hog is not Bacon, until it be hanged.


One seeing the Rump in Council, Oh strange, said he, what fine men be these, I could willingly work for such as long as I live. What Trade are you pray? said ano­ther; Why truly, replied he, I am a Cord-winder.


Two coming to an Inn, they bid the Hostler give their Horses some Oats; pre­sently one going down, saw the Hostler robbing the Horses, for which chiding him, he returned to his Companion, that had trusted too much upon the Hostlers fi­delity: What, said his Companion, have the Horses dined already? Yes, I believe yours hath, replied he, for as I went down just now, I saw the Hostler taking away.


A Gentleman passing by with a very short Cloak, his Friend said to him, Sir, your Cloak is too short; You'r mistaken, said he, 'twill be long enough before I get an­other.


A Countreyman newly come up to London, to sell some Apples, a Collier called after him to buy some, the poor [Page 16] man, seeing the Colliar, on a sudden set down his Basket, and ran away crying, I defie the Devil, I defie thee, take them all.


A Gentleman in the Rebellious Times, as he was in his Chamber amongst his Friends making merry, there came a Mus­ket Bullet through the Window, and glancing against a Marble Chimney-piece, hit him on the head without farther da­mage, then fell at his feet, the Gentle­man turning the flatted Bullet with his fingers, Gentlemen, said he, those that had a mind to flatter me, were wont to say that I had a good Head-piece in my younger days; but if I do not flatter my self, I think I have a good Head-piece in my old age, for it is Musket proof.


A Gentleman having lost his sight, his Friends often asked how he could be so merry; Why, before, said he, I used to go alone, but now I have alwayes com­pany.


Two Innkeepers falling out one day who should entertain a Lord and his Re­tinue, that was to pass that way; he that [Page 17] was less happy in the occasion, stood at his Door, saying to those that passed by, See that envious man, pointing to the o­ther, ho is willing that every thing he hath, should eat me up; for example, his Cat this morning eat me two pound of Butter. The other to justifie himself, brought out a pair of Scales in the middle of the Street, weighed his Cat, and said, See good peo­ple, what an envious and lying man this is, the Cat doth not weigh a pound and an half with all that is in her, and yet he saith she hath eat this morning two pound of his Butter.


A Gentleman, none of the wisest, see­ing a House very stately built, told the Porter it was much of the Italian Mode, and asked whether it were made in Eng­land? the Porter seeing his simplicity, said, No Sir, it was made in Venice, and brought hither by two Merchants.


A Gentleman complaining to his Friend that he had lost an honest woman, foras­much as his Wife was dead. Nay, had she been honest, said the other, she would never have left you.


A Lord, as he was travelling on the Road, his Coach-horses tired, and for­ced him to take up Inn, where being impa­tient of staying, his Fool said to him, Let us go, if it please your Lordship, before in the Coach, and the Horses may come after.


Pace the bitter Fool, was not suffered to come at the Queen, because of his bit­ter humor, yet at last some pressed the Queen that he should come to her, under­taking for him that he should keep com­pass; so he was brought to her, and the Queen said, Come on Pace, now we shall hear of our faults. Saith Pace, I do not use to talk of that, which all the Town talks of.


One rode furiously among some Qua­kers that stood in a yard, hearing the Spea­ker from the top of the Barn, and being rebuked by a Brother, Why should not my Horse, said he, have to do here at the meet­ing, as well as the rest of the Asses.


Some merry Companions having been at an Ordinary all day, when by much drink they began to be mad, began at last [Page 19] to jeer one another concerning their Mi­strisses, whereat one struck the other a box in the ear, and all expected some bloody event; but the injur'd person de­manded what the other meant, whether he were in jest or in earnest; In earnest, said the other, whose Collar had carried him beyond the bounds of Friendship. The other more considerate and loath to quarrel with his Friend, 'Tis well you are, said he, for I like not such jesting.


Several persons of several Callings, being invited to a Feast, it happen'd that amongst the rest, there came an old Grammarian, not altogether arrayed af­ter the mode, nor cloathed so well, as many other young Gallants that were there; this gave occasion when the Wine had made every man's tongue free to speak his mind, that a young Spark, to put a jest upon the old Grammarian, said, Pray Sir, since I know you to be well skill'd in Genealogy, who was the Father of Peleus? to which he answered, Tell me first if you can, who was yours?


In the time of Peace, when the Gown onely found employment, and Arms, as [Page 20] useless, were laid aside, a stout Souldier that had formerly done his Prince great service, but was forgotten, finding it a difficult thing to be admitted to the Kings presence, whereby he might make him­self known to him, stuck feathers in his hair, nose, and ears, and danced about the Court in a most antick fashion, till at last the strangeness of the sight, brought the King himself to be Spectator: Then this Mimick throwing off this disguise, Sir, said he, I thus arrive at your Maje­sties notice in the fashion of a Fool, but can do you service in the place of a wise man.


An old Knight coming to Court, re­quested a favour of the King, but recei­ved a Denial of his Petition: wherefore knowing that his age was great, and his hairs grey, and thinking they were the cause why he did not succeed; he colour­ed his Beard black, and put on a Peruque, and like a young man came again, and petitioned the King concerning the same business; his Majesty perceiving the de­ceit, said to him, I would be very glad to gratifie you in your desire, but 'tis not long since I deny'd it to your Father, and 'twere unjust to grant the Son what I deny'd him.


In the flourishing time of Greece, when young Alexander made the World shake, and the War began to be waged against the Persian Monarchy, the timerous Spies told one of Alexander's Captains, That the Enemies, beside all their other Milita­ry Preparations, brought so many Arch­ers against him, as would darken the sky, and exclude the light of the Sun; at which news nothing daunted, Tis good news for us, said he, that are in a hot countrey; for we shall fight in the shade.


In Naples a City of Italy, there hap­pen'd in a great Siege it endured, that the Governour made a severe Order, That every man should be put to death, that being above such an age, did not wear a Sword; but not long after, as he was riding through the Street, to see how well his Order was put in execution, he espied a Gentleman without a Sword, and com­manded him to be brought before him, then was the Order read, and he condem­ned to die the death appointed, which was to be hanged on the next Sign Post. The Gentleman, after he had pleaded se­veral things in his own behalf, but could [Page 22] avail nothing; nevertheless desired this favour, that he might not die so ignomi­niously, but that the next Gentleman that passed, might run him through with his Sword: the request being reasonable, was granted, and the execution prorogued till the next came. Now it happen'd that a young Gallant was coming from a Game­ing House that way, that having lost all, so much as the blade of his Sword, which was good Merchandise at that time, did not dare, in regard of the severe Order, to go home, until a woodden one was fitted to the handle: This Gentleman was stopt, and the dying mans case laid open; but this ingenious person, knowing his own insufficiency, What, said he, must I be a common Executioner? Must I stain my hands in blood without passion? and be a re­proach to all men? Nevertheless this argu­ment availed nothing, and kill him he must: then putting off his Cloak, he be­gan a Prayer to this effect, Thou who seest all the transactions here below, judge I pray thee, and vindicate the cause of those that suffer wrong; in especial manner grant that if this man here ought not to die, this Sword may be turned into wood. Then drawing it forth, it appeared to be wood; wherefore [Page 23] the dying Gentleman was released imme­diately with abundance of joy, and the Woodden Sword was carried with great solemnity, and hung up in the Cathedral Church, as a true link to the Chain of Po­pish Miracles.


In these late times every discourse being of preparations of War, and proceedings against the Dutch, amongst many other questions, one was so curious, as to ask one in the company why the Dutch were called Butter-boxes? Tis, replied the o­ther merrily, because they are spread over the whole world.


A Seaman being extreamly dry in the middle of the Fight, was drinking to a­nother out of a Bottle of Brandy, when at the instant a Bullet coming through a Port-hole, kill'd him as he was drinking; wherefore falling down dead, and the Bot­tle breaking, A pox light on you, said the other, for a Rogue, to spill all the Brandy.


There were at Newberry some She An­nabaptists, that took upon them to have Revelations, and therein to see such glo­rious things as could not be related nor [Page 24] imagined by others; drawing by such means many poor simple people to be of their Religion, in hopes of seeing the like glorious Visions. One amongst the rest told the holy Brotherhood, that she had a Revelation to be taken up into Heaven on such a night, the rest resolving to take their solemn leave of her, at the time ap­pointed, all went out with her into the Fields, to see her glorious Ascension; the night happen'd to be a Moon-shiny night, and as they expected, when some Angel should come to fetch her in a Fiery Cha­riot, a Cloud covers the face of the Moon, whereupon they began to cry, Behold he comes in the clouds; but immediately their hopes vanished with the Cloud.


Another Quaker, being Apprentice to a Tradesman in the City of London, be­came at last, after he had received the Documents of his Mistriss, so Phanatical, that he would give new names to all things in the Shop; for being a Habberdasher of Small Ware, if any one came for a Shuttle-cock, he call'd it a Flying Cock; if for a Ruler, he call'd it a Measure of Righteousness; if for Needles, those he called the Camels impossibility; if for [Page 25] Ribbons, those he named the Devils Co­lours; insomuch that he rendred himself incapable of Trading. One day above the rest, when his Master had invited many Guests to dinner, he went into the Room, and taking a Stool, carried it to the upper end of the Table, and sate down thereon covered. His Master much astonished at his new impudence, especially before so much company, asked him the reason; Why, said he, I am the Servant of the Li­ving God, and have more right to the crea­tures than you.


A Valiant Captain, that had lost his Leg formerly in the Wars, was neverthe­less for his great prudence and courage, made Captain of a Ship, and being in the midst of an Engagement, a Cannon Bul­let took off his woodden supporter, so that he fell down; the Seamen, foras­much as few knew he had a woodden leg, call'd out for the Surgeon: The Surgeon, a pox on you all, said he, a Carpenter, a Carpenter.


A severe School-Master having one morning, whipt one of his Boys, saw him as soon as he came to his place, write [Page 26] something in his Table-book; wherefore commanding him to bring the Book, and looking therein, he saw that the Lad had writ down every time he had been whipt at School; wherefore commending him for so doing, as if the writing them down, should put the faults fresh in his memory, and make him eschew them; he gave him half a Crown to buy him a Common-place Book. The Youth bought a Common-place Book, and the next day brought it to School; his Master seeing it, called him out for his Lesson, and notwithstanding the Boy did very well, whipt him. Pray Sir, said he, let me know my fault, for I perceive nothing in my self worthy of this pu­nishment? O, said he, if I do not take this course, you will never fill your Common-place Book.


A Citizen of London going along the Streets very hastily, came at last where a great stop was made by Carts, and other Gentlemen talking together, who knew him; one of them said to him, seeing him in a passion that he could not pass sud­denly; Others, Sir, have past by, and there was room enough; but it may be your horns are wider than theirs.


A Valiant Captain, when some of his ti­merous companions, to hinder the joyning of the Battle, told him their enemies were three times as many as they. Are they so, said he, no whit dismayed, then I am ve­ry glad; for there are enough to be killed, e­nough to be taken prisoners, and enough to run away.


One who had alwayes been very jocose in his life time, when he lay on his Death-bed, his chief Clerk came and desired he would leave him a Legacy: Here, said he, giving him a Key, in such a Drawer, there is that will make thee drink; not many hours after he died, and the youth greedily o­pening the Box, found nought there but two red Herrings.


A merry Gentleman riding on the Road, saw a Boy foul his Breeches: Why Sirrah, said he, are you not ashamed to make a fool in your Breeches. Alas Sir, said he, you make a worse of your Doublet, to button up such an Ass in it.


'Tis reported of a certain debaucht person, that he was wont very devoutly, [Page 28] to say his prayers always in the morning, and then at his departure out of his House, he would cry, Now Devil do thy worst.


Sir Roger Williams hearing a Spaniard foolishly brag of his Countrey Sallats, gave him this answer, You have indeed good Sauce in Spain, but we in England have dainty Beeves, Veals, and Muttons; and as God made Beasts to live on Grass, so he made Men to live on Beasts.


When the Trojans sent Ambassadours to Tiberius, to condole the death of his Father Augustus, a long time after he was dead; the Emperour considering the unseasonableness of it, requited them ac­cordingly, saying, And I am sorry for your heaviness, having lost so valiant a Knight as Hector; who was slain above a thousand years before.


A certain Papist searching to know perfectly concerning the Mass, found at the end of St. Paul's Epistle, Missa est, and bragg'd he had found the Mass in the Bi­ble. Another reading John 1.4. Inve­nimus Messiam, made the same conclu­sion.


The Standers by comforting a natural that lay on his Death-bed, told him, That four proper fellows should carry his Body to the Church; yea, quoth he, but I had by half rather go thither my self.


Galateus, Duke of Millain, being told of a certain Lawyer, who by his quick and crafty wit, could draw a fair Glove on a foul hand, thereby multiplying Suits and wronging the innocent, sent for him, and said, Sir, I owe my Baker Five hun­dred pounds, and have no mind to pay him; will you undertake to defend me, and free me from the Debt? he answered, He would. The Duke therefore first reproved him sharply for his deceit and wrong deal­ing, then caused him to be hanged.


Two good Wives having now well warmed their knees by the fire, and their noses over a pot and a tost, fell into a hot dispute concerning their Brewers: Mo­ther Damnable said her Ale was the best in England, because it was so; and Mother Louse said her Brewer brewed the best stale Beer in the world.


A Fool as he wandred by the River side, at last clim'd up an Osier, and there seat­ed himself; not long after one passing by that knew him, asked him, VVhat he did there? Onely gather a few Nuts, says he.


A Boy going through the Streets with a Peck Loaf upon his head, where was a great concourse of People, hit a Gentle­man unawares with the corner of the Loaf over the face; VVhy how now you rude Rascal, said the Gentleman, cann't you see? Spare your breath, replied the youth, I am as well bred as your self.


A poor but witty lad, brought up to the University, and admitted in a Colledge, could not go to the price of a new pair of Shooes; but when his old ones were worn out at the toes, had them capt with Lea­ther; whereupon his Companions began to jeer him for so doing: VVhy, said he, must they not be capt, are they not fel­lows?


A young Man having raised a Maids belly, and the bulk now evidently manife­sting the fact, his Friends and Relations [Page 31] came purposely together to reprove him; and every one had a saying at him, though in general every one said, they wondered he should do so and so. VVhy, what a wondring, said the young man, do you make, that I should get her with child, is not that usual, therefore no cause of won­der; but you might have wondered indeed, had she got me with child.


A Countrey Peasant had often observ'd, that there appear'd not so many Stars in the West as in the East; at which the Phy­losopher much concerned, often made it his business to walk out at night in the Fields; diligently observing the West, to see if he could find out the reason: At last he saw a Meteor fall, by and by another, then two or three together: Nay then, said he, I shall cease to wonder that there be fewer Stars in the VVest than in the East, since so many fall every night.


A Fool fearing to be beaten, went away privately, and hid himself behind some bushes in the Garden; but when they be­gan to search for him and could not find him, he peeps over the bush, and cries, You don't see me, you cann't see me.


A Stranger passing through the Tem­ple, had a Piss-pot discharged upon his head; not long after he meets with a friend, Pray what place call you that? says he, 'Tis an Inn of Court, replied the other. And what do they do there? VVhy they study the Law. I believe rather, quoth he, they study Physick, they cast so much water; and Rake­hells they are I am sure, for they throw the stools out of the windows too.


A great Courtier seeing his Jester stum­ble, VVhy how now, can you not stand? says he: Yes, replied he, I can, and stumble and rise again too; but have a care, for if you fall, perhaps you may never rise.


A Gentleman passing through Cam­bridge on a foundred Horse, saw a Scho­lar of his acquaintance coming to meet him; striving therefore to spare him the trouble, he whips his Horse, crying, Ʋp Bacon. His Friend asketh him the reason why he call'd him Bacon? Because, said he, he is Very-lame. Now my Lord Ba­con's Title was Verulam.


Some merry Companions being at a Singing Club, amongst many other Songs and Catches sung at last that of New Oy­sters, New Oysters, New Oysters, New, &c. Whereupon one that stood by, laught to hear his Friend cry Oysters. His Friend asked him how he would cry Oysters? VVhy, replied he, I would cry, O yes, O yes, O yes, that is, O yes ter.


King James having seen two Plays per­formed by the Scholars of both Universi­ties, One of Cambridge, where one na­med Sleep, acted so well, that the King commanded him to stop, for fear he should burst with laughter. The other at Oxford, where one VVake acted so bad, that the King slept the best part of the Play. His Majesty was pleased to say of them both, that as in Cambridge, Sleep made him wake, so in Oxford, VVake onely made him sleep.


A poor Boy knowing what esteem Learning had in the World, begg'd under colour of being a poor Scholar; a Gentle­man passing by, took pity on him, and ask­ed him in Latine what his Friends were? [Page 34] whether they were alive? and the like; but still he cries in the same tongue, Pray Sir pity a poor Scholar. VVhy you Rascal, quoth the Gentleman, do you say you are a Scholar, and you understand not one word of Latine? 'Tis true, said the Boy, I un­derstand no Latine, and scarce can read En­glish; and that is the reason I desire you to give something to a very poor Scholar.


VVere I a Prince, says a Countrey Boy; VVhy what then? answered hi [...] Companion: Oh then I would eat my Belly full of Bacon, and swing upon a Gate a [...] day long.


Walking through the City in a grea [...] throng, a Person of Quality accidentall [...] lost his Watch out of his Pocket, of whic [...] he complained to his Friend; Alas Sir▪ said the other, who can help it, time wi [...] away.


A learned Gentlewoman put two Questions to a young Scholar; the first was, Why the Infinitive was next to the Optative? of which he said, Because w [...] never mak [...] an end of desiring

[Page 35]Secondly, when he had answered her so well, she bid him repeat to her a lit­tle of his Grammar; where­upon he wittily began at Propria quae maribus.


A witty Tavern Boy in the Spring time threw some dirt out aceidentally up­on a Bald-headed Gentleman, who being much incensed thereat, demanded the reason; Because Sir, said he, since now the New year is begun, the Fields grow green, the Trees and Plants flourish, and all things look fresh and fair; I thought your Head was too backward, and wanted dunging.


A learned Gentleman disputing concer­ning death, said, It was all one to live or to die. Why do you not die then? said ano­ther; Because, replied he, it is all one.


'Twas the humor of a witty person and a great Jester to a Nobleman, to cry in fair weather, and to laugh in foul. This seemed contrary to reason, and his Lord asked him wherefore he did so? Why when it is fair weather, said he, I can expect nothing but that every minute foul [Page 36] should come; that makes me cry. In foul weather I alwayes expect that the sky should clear, that makes me laugh.


A vertuous Gentleman being asked by a Knave, what was Piety? What is that to you, said he, meddle with those things that concern you.


A grave Citizen in London, though not so wise as he should be, talking with some of his Neighbours, concerning his Shop he had then newly rebuilt after the fire; Truly, said he, I think I have contrived in to the best advantage; for it hath the Morn­ing Sun all day long in it.


'Twas at first, when the Fashion of white Freeze came up amongst the Gen­tlemen, especially for Riding Suits, that a Wise-acre considering that it was then most in fashion, a lasting and serviceable Garment, asked, If there were no black of that colour, for he had a great mind to have a Coat made of it?


A proud Londoner travelling to Goat­am, and meeting a poor fellow coming from thence, thinking to shew his wit, [Page 37] said, Well met Fool of Goatam, how far to the place of thy nativity? True it is, said the poor man, my Countrey is a shame to me, but you proud Londoner are a shame to your Countrey.


Two men meeting in the street and quarrelling, it came so far at last that one gave the other a kick in the breech. The people much admired the others patience, inviting him to revenge that injury: What, says he, if an Ass kicks me, must I go to law with him.


The day proving very windy, where­in one was to perform his journey, who was scarce ever before farther than his Street, his friends dissuaded him, saying, The wind would be very troublesome to him. Oh, let me alone, said he, I will ride out of the wind.


One being demanded, Why learned men frequented rich mens Pallaces, but rich seldome visited the learned? answer­ed, That the first knew what they want­ed, the later did not.


One exclaiming against another that ran away in his debt, A Pox light on him, said he, I am sure I lent him Six and forty good shillings all in Half Crowns.


An impudent Strumpet seeing a poor Countreyman receive Ten pounds, seised on him, and brought him before the Judge, swearing he would have ravished her, nay that he did; insomuch that the poor man, who never had to do with her, notwithstanding all his innocence, could not clear himself of the accusation; and still she urged that he ought to marry her: so the business was put to a pub­lick Trial, where at last, I know not by what means, it was concluded that the man should give her Ten pounds to clear the business. The poor man, after he had delivered her the money, made such un­feigned protestations of his innocence, that moved the Judge to pity, and to be­lieve that he was indeed wronged; wherefore he said to the poor man, Go run after her quickly, and if thou canst get thy money from her, thou shalt have it; thus overtaking her, he sets upon her, but proves so weak in the matter, that she [Page 39] beat him heavily within sight of all the people. Then the Judge commanded her to be brought back, and said, Could this man ravish thee, and thou are so able to resist him? Give him his money, and pay him all his charges; and for your wicked­ness I shall command that you be well whipped.


When Guineys were first coined, they were very rare in the Countrey, and hap­py was he that could see one; one there­fore that came from London, more gal­lant than wise, seeing the Countrey peo­ple so eager to see them, Alas, said he, throwing down one or two, these are so common at London, that you cannot receive forty shillings, but you shall have five or six whether you will or no.


One lighting a Candle, and striving to stick it in a Candlestick, it often fell out of the Socket, at which he said in choller, That he thought the Devil did possess the Candle. Why do you wonder, said his Com­panion, if it cannot stand? Do you not see that 'tis light-headed?


An ingenious person being asked the interpretation of an obscure Riddle, said nothing, which made the propounder so much the more desirous to hear his an­swer. Pardon me, for why should I, said he, lose that, which as it is, yields me so much trouble?


A poor man willing to imbrace any ho­nest imployment, offered his service to a Gentleman at such a price; Why, I can buy a Fool, said be, mocking the poor mans condition, for that rate: Do then, replied he, and you will have two.


Two men scolding, the wiser went a­way, but the other followed after; brawl­ing, and condemning him for running a­way? Alas, said he, though you have pow­er to give bad words, I have not to hear them.


A fine mouthed Scholar, seeing a Spar­row mute on his companions hat, said, to put the matter in fine language, Sir, A Sparrow has untrussed a point upon your hat.


A School-master being very angry one day with one of his young Scholars for writing his name upon the wainscote, went about to whip him; but the Boy begging earnestly, the Master said, He's a Fool and ever shall, that writes his name upon the Wall: Sirrah, What say you to that? To which the Lad made answer, He's a Fool and ever shall, that takes a Wainscote for a Wall.


One being much intreated to warm his fingers, I thank you Sir, said he, I do not use to stand upon my hands.


A young Gentleman, to save the lash, threw himself at his Masters feet; but be­ing afterwards blamed by his Friends for so debasing himself, 'Tis not my fault, said he, but his, if his ears be in his feet.


A young Scholar drinking Mum with a Gentleman, the Gentleman thinking to pose him, said, Pray how do you decline [...]? but he wittily said, [...].


A witty Scholar once asked money o [...] his Patron, Why, have you not often told [...] says his Patron, that Scholars never wa [...] ed money? 'Tis true, said he, but I a [...] now a little in haste, I will talk with you that by and by. So his Patron gave hi [...] money, which having received, No [...] says he, do Scholars want money?


One being chid by his Friends [...] wearing his nails so long, I can ass [...] you, said he, I pare them every foot.


After the sad and dismal Fire in Lond [...] when nothing was left standing but ruin [...] one passing by as they were pulling dow [...] a wall; Have a care, have a care, cr [...] he to the Labourers, or you will pull dow [...] the foundation upon your head.


An arch youth supping among his fe [...] low Scholars at a Boarding-School whe [...] they were, seeing them carve too busi [...] and cut him clearly out of Common moreover when they had done, to jeer hi [...] and throw the bones at him, went privi [...] behind one of them, and lifting up his le [...] like the creature that feeds upon bone [...] pissed upon him.


A Scholar of Cambridge in the time of the Assizes, seeing a Boy in the Castle­ward throwing stones at the Gallows, [...]ave a care, Sirrah, said he, you do not [...] the mark.


Some Companions talking concerning Minerals and Metals, one started the Question at last, Why the two noblest Me­tals, Gold and Silver, one lookt but pale, the other so white? Because, answered an­other, they have both so many that ly in wait for them.


Look, look, said a Scholar to his Com­panion, how the Townsmen laugh at you? And other Fools, perhaps, replied the o­ther, laugh at them; but neither do they mind fools, nor I them.


A Tobaconist, whose wits were now grown dry with smoaking, and his brains probably consumed to ashes, when some commended this mans Tobacco, others that, Say what you please, Gentlemen, quoth he, but a clearer Tobacco you never saw, for I am sure it hath neither leaves nor stalks.


The same person probably, hear [...] much swearing in a Bowling green, sai [...] Fie Gentlemen, 'Tis Gods great men the Bowling Green doth not fall upon yo [...] heads.


'Tis farther reported by some, th [...] the same man sitting at Supper, his C [...] passed too and fro through his Arms offending his mouth with her tail; whe [...] upon in a rage Don Quixot like, he c [...] off the tip of her tail most valiantly: [...] think now, Mistriss Puss, I have given y [...] an Ear mark. The Cat taking it ill, fo [...] the present absents her self all that night but the next morning, knowing her M [...] ster was a man that never let the Sun se [...] upon his anger; she came after her wonted manner, to express her kindness to him by standing in his way. Why how now you troublesome Bitch, says he, are you come again? I thought I had given you your break­fast last night?


A young Boy throwing stones one day amongst a crowd of people, Have a care, says a Gentleman, passing by, perhaps you may hit your Father.


A Carpenter being at work in a Bowl­ing Green, was asked, what he was a­bout? I am a making, said he, a Bench for [...] standers by, to sit upon.


The first night King Charles the First came into Ragland Castle, his Majesty de­sired to see the great Tower, where his Lordship used to keep his Treasure, and spake to Doctor Baily to fetch the Keys. He ran down to the Marquiss, and ac­quainted him with the Kings pleasure, who would needs bring the Keys himself to the King. When the King saw the Marquiss bringing the Keys himself, he said, My Lord, There are some men so unreasonable, [...] to make me believe, that your Lordship hath good store of Gold yet left within this Tower; but knowing how I have exhausted you, could never have believed it, until now I see you will not trust the Keys with any but your self. To which the Marquiss an­swered, Sir, I was so far from giving your Majesty any such occasion of thought by this tender of my duty; that I protest unto you, I was once resolved your Majesty should have lain there, but that I was loath to commit you to the Tower.


A Scholar meeting a poor ignorant Pea­sant on the Road, How far friend, say [...] he, to Cambridge? By my faith Sir, say [...] he, I do not know, but from Cambridge t [...] this Town is counted seven miles.


One having sent for a Physitian to his Daughter, that was desperately ill; the Doctor being come, and having examined the Case how she was seeing her lie on her back, advised her to lie rather on her side: Ay Sir, said her Fa­ther, I have alwayes told her, her bac [...] was the best side to lie upon; and she would never believe me.


A certain person being asked by hi [...] friend, why he wore his Stockings with the wrong sides outwards; Oh, said he being forced to wear the one so, I turn the [...] ­ther also; that it may not be so easily percei­ved. But pray, why, quoth the other, [...] you wear one with the wrong side outwards▪ Why, because, said he, it hath a hole [...] the other side.


A Crew of boon Companions, in the height of their mirth, began to be capti­ons and quarrel; so Thomas threw a piece of a Tobacco-pipe in John's face; but Tho­mas denied it and cleared himself. Well 'twas ill done of you Thomas though, quoth John, whoever did it.


Two Scholars had made a match one night to go steal Rabbets in a Warren, the one that was set to watch, when the Rabbets came, cried out, Ecce cuniculi multi; at which the Coneys ran again in­to their Burrows. The others seeing the short spoiled, chid him for so doing. Why who knew, says he, that they understood Latine?


One quarrelling in his Cups with his Companion at the Tavern, was so furi­ous and violent, that he would have bea­ten him immediately: and being hindred from striking by the rest of the Compa­ny, You shall not think to escape so, said he, in a rage, I protest I will kick you down stairs wheresoever I meet you.


A Gentleman taking compassion of [...] poor fool that went up and down th [...] Streets almost naked in the extremity o [...] Winter, gave him an old Coat; not lon [...] after one called him and gave him a ha [...] penny loaf: Oh pray, quoth he, to th [...] Donor, let me leave my coat till I have carried home my half penny loaf, and I wil [...] fetch my coat another time.


One sent for a Physician to come to his Cosin, whose eyes were very bad and after the Doctor had seen the Patient who was indeed in a very desperate con­dition: Pray Sir, says the Gentleman, how doth my Cosin? The Doctor, who was always of a very debonaire humor and that by his facetious sayings could comfort the weakest Patient, replied, Sir, you need not doubt of your Cosin's health; he's well enough if he can see it.


A very fat Gentleman riding through a Countrey Town, his Belly sticking out before him, the people cry'd aloud to him, That he had mistaken, in placing his Port-mantle before him. To which he replied, Where should I place it better [Page 49] when I come amongst so many Rogues and Thiefs?


One going a shooting in the hard wea­ther, would have borrowed some money of his friend; You have no need of money, said the other merrily, for if in any place you have any thing to pay, you may leave your Gun to discharge the shot.


When King Henry the Eighth passed by Kings-Colledge Chappel in Cambridge, that famous Fabrick built by King Henry the VI, his Jester said to him, Harry, [...] and I built this fine Chappel.


A Gentleman eating a very hot Cu­stard, let a great fart, but to save the shame, being before much honourable Company; 'Tis well, said he, you are but, otherwise I would have batcht you out.


Three men gave their Hostess Forty pounds to keep for them, with this charge, not to deliver the money to any one sin­gle, unless they came all three together: Not long after one came for the money, and by words and many great signs that he [Page 50] came from the rest, got the money, and then went away beyond Sea. The others hearing of this, came and demanded the reason, why she parted with the money contrary to the charge given her; and thereupon sued her at Law for the Forty pound; at last by the force of one Coun­cellor the poor woman was almost cast and forced to pay the said sum: when a Lawyer who had diligently observed the Cause, started up and said to the Judge, The charge given to this woman, my Lord, concerning the money, was to deliver it to these three all together, and no otherwise; let these two bring the other with them, and their money is ready to be paid down.


A wise Judge, when a party had forged a Will, and many swore to it, that they were the last words that came out of the deceased persons mouth; in so much that the true heir was almost cast; But were they not put into his mouth, said he, which words silenced all, and recovered the Estate.


A certain Customer asking his Barber, Where he might have some water to wash his hands? Yonder, said he, at the other [Page 51] end of the room you will find some, in that empty Tub.


One speaking of the wind, said, It was the most changeable thing in the world; for I went, says he, up Cheapside in the morning, and it was in my back; and in less than half an hour afterwards, when I re­turned, I found it in my face.


A Carpenter passing by with a Deal Board on his Shoulder, hit a Gentleman on the Head with the end of it; where­upon he perceiving his fault, cry'd, Have a care Sir; Why, quoth he, do you intend to hit me again.


Some Gentlemen having been at Bowls, went at last to a Shooting Match, but be­ing unexperienced in that Art, erred much from the Mark on either side; whereupon one that stood by, went and sate him just at the bottom of the But: and being asked the reason, Because, said he, I am afraid if I stand any where else they should hit me.


One complained much of the Glasier, saying, he was very unreasonable to ask [Page 52] so much for Soder as two pence a foot; Truly, said another, I think it is alwayes So dear.


A proper young and handsome Gen­tleman fell in love with an old, rich, and miserable Councellors onely Daughter, but despairing ever to get her Fathers con­sent, because of the inequality of his E­state compared with hers; he made it his business first to make sure of her good will, and then he used this witty Strata­gem: He goes one day to her Father, and clapping five Guineys into his hand, desi­red his best advice in the case he should acquaint him with, which was, That he loved a fair and young Lady, had her consent, and nothing was wanting but the good will of her friends; which ne­vertheless he feared he could never ob­tain, for such certain reasons, without some subtil Stratagem: The old man, on whom the Gold began to work, in hopes of another such Fee, puts him off till the next day, that he might the better consi­der of the matter. The young Gentle­man therefore failed not to return at the time appointed, with the other five Gui­neys to hasten the matter, whereupon the [Page 53] old Councellor told him there was but one way, that was, He should get the Lady privately to be married to him; and to that end he would give him a Note to a certain Priest of his acquaintance, that should joyn them in Matrimony with all speed and secrecy. Thus the young man by his subtilty out-witted the old Councel­lor, got a Note under his own hand to marry his Daughter, and then brought his Wife to ask her Fathers blessing: which Stratagem so pleased the old man, that not respecting his Sons low con­dition, he gave his Daughter a large Dowry.


A Clown newly come up to London, that was a rich Farmer's Son, yet but poor in Cloaths at the present, was huge­ly taken at the sight of a Sedan, and bar­gained with the Bearers to carry him to such a place. The Sedan-men seeing this Clown's curiosity, unhasp'd the bot­tom of the Sedan privately and took him [...]n; where b [...]ing seated, wh [...]n they beg [...]n to hoist the Sedan, the Countreyman stood on the ground with his legs: thus did they hurry him through all the dirty kennels in their way, till they brought [Page 54] him to his Lodging This man not know­ing but others used to be carried, or ra­ther driven after the same manner, gave them their due hire, and when he return­ed into the Countrey again, began a­mongst the rest of his news, and all the fine things he had seen at London, to tell That he had been carried in a Sedan wherefore every one was desirous to know how it was? Why it is, said he, like [...] Watch house, onely 'tis covered with lea­ther; and were it not for the name of a Se­dan, one had as good go on foot.


One meeting his Friend in the Street, where was a great stop of Coaches, that none could pass; asked him where he was going? To the Market, replied the other to buy some meat. Well then go by, said he, [...] you can, farewell.


A Countreyman coming to Londo [...] into a Booksellers Shop, to buy a Bible, the man shewed him one that had a Patch in the Cover; the Coun­treyman displeased at that, would see more; whereat the Master came out, asking his man what his Chapman would have? Sir, said his boy, he wants a Bi­ble, [Page 55] and he doth not like this. Then his Master looking on it, Why Sirrah, said he, to his Apprentice, have I but one dou­ble covered Bible in all the Shop, and you must shew every one this. O pray, said the Countreyman, let me have it by all means, if it be double covered; for I would fain have a lasting one. And so paid down the price most willingly.


Thomas Frog and Mr. John Rain, meet­ing accidentally at a broad kennel in the Street, and knowing one another, Frog was still hindring Rain, and would fain be leaping over; but Rain striving to get o­ver, Frog began to scold at him for dirt­ing his Stockings. I think these Frogs are alwayes croaking in wet weather, says Rain. So you must expect, said Frog again, till the Rain be over.


An University Scholar being hot in discourse at the Table in the Hall, and so loud that the Fellows heard him, the Dean sent to him to be quiet, after this manner by the Servitor, Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur: To which he returned this answer, Vir loquitur qui pauca sapit.


A Gentleman being choaked with a Honey-comb, his friends began to be­moan him. Why make you such lamentati­on, said another, never man died a sweeter death.


One seeing a Ladies Legs, as she lifted up her Coats a little too high, he said to her, Madam, you have a very handsome pair of Twins. You are mistaken Sir, said she, for I have had one between them.


A Minister marrying a couple of his friends, told them afterwards in merri­ment, that if after they disliked, they should come to him again, and he would un-marry them. So this Countrey Cou­ple go home, and are very merry for the first week or two; but at last, dissention arising between them, they both came again to the Priest to be divorced. Here­upon he fetcheth out a great Hatchet, and asks who had the greatest desire to leave the other first? For, says he, I have mar­ried you till death you do depart; and there­fore it is expedient that I kill one of you.


A Barber being a Tobaconist, and sel­ling both Hair and Tobacco, accidentally in the same ounce to his Customer; for as much as some loose Hair scattered by chance into the Tobacco; the next time his Customer met him and complained of his selling such bad Tobacco, that was full of Hair. Truly, replied he, I get much by selling such pennyworths; an ounce of Hair that costs me ten shillings, for three pence.


A tall Minister told a short one scoffing­ly, That he looked in a Pulpit like a Collar of Brawn in a Dish. And you, replied he, look like a Pestle in a Mortar.


At a great Feast, where many Guests were present, there was served up a­mongst other good Dishes, a great Tur­ky Pie, i [...] whose sides the Cats had eat a great hole this gave the Master occasi­on to be angry with his Servants for their negligence: but one of his Guests said, Pray blame not your Servants Sir, 'tis enough it hath escaped the Turky-Pie-Cats so well.



'Twas at the same Feast probably, that a Rice Fool was brought up to the Table, when many of the Guests doubted what it was. One wittily said, Per risum multum possis cognoscere stultum.


Some Gentlemen quarrelling at Table, one to reprehend the other of his great use of Tobacco and the foulness of his Mouth, called him a foul Tobacco-Pipe. The other readily told him he was a dent­ed Quart-pot. The strangeness of this Metaphor stuck in his mind, and made him very urgent to know the reason; Be­cause, said he, you seem to have more in you than you have.


A Gentleman of the Temple being new­ly come up to London, told his Friend, he had brought up a Horse with him, and would sell it. What have you him at your Chamber? said the other.


A meer Scholar sent one day for Tim the S [...]th to hang up two Pictures, and asking him, when he had done, what he must have? Sir, saith Tim, there are two Ten-penny Nails, and what you please [Page 59] for my labour. Well there Sirrah are two Shillings, said, the Gentleman, that is, a Groat for thy pains, and twenty pence for thy Nails; Go thy ways.


A Humorist calling for a reckoning, found there was ten pence to pay; where­fore breaking the Glass he had in his hand against the wall, Dam you, there's a shilling Sirrah for you; said he to the Tapster.


A man being abused by many scanda­lous reproaches of his neighbour, as cal­ling him Rogue, his Wife Whore, and the like, sued him at Law; but finding af­ter much trouble those words would bear no Action, he was so incensed, that as he stood in the middle of the Court, he cry'd aloud, My Lord, you are a Rogue, your Wife [...]s a Whore, and your Children are all Bastards.


Two Boys going together to School, met with one whose name was Pontius Ʋrben, a Rag of the Law, that was not well in his wits; Lets us call yonder fellow Pontius Pilate, says one of them, and then ran away: Whereupon the man be­came [Page 60] so furious, that the other was for­ced also to double his pace, and save him­felf in the School house: Presently in came the man, and would have beaten him, but that the Master took him off, and promised to whip him soundly: So at every l [...]sh he asked him if ever he would say ag [...]in Pontius Pilate? To which he answered, crying, No Sir. The next d [...]y at Prayers, when the Boy came to these words in the Creed, Who suffered und [...]r Pontius Pilate, he remembred his fault, and said, Who suffered under Pon­tius Urben.


Other young Scholars went up into a Stee [...]le to get a Sparrow-Hawk's Nest, that was in a hole of the Wall; and be­cause it was just over a Window, but just out of their reach, they agreed that the strongest of the two should hold out a Board for the other to stand upon and take the Nest; this done, he that took the Nest, call'd out to the other, That 'twas a brave Nest, and there were five in it, but that he would have three: Nay, but I will have three, says he that held the Board, or I will let you fall: and thereup­on the other not consenting to it, he let [Page 61] him fall. The youth, though he fell ve­ry high, when he came to the ground, and received no damage, he ran away crying, Now you Rogue you shall have none of them.


If I were unmarried, said one, then would I wed again. Marry then, quoth the other, you would still be in the same lock.


One returning from the Market, where he had bought a new pair of Shoes, met in his way with a poor young woman that begged on him. Truly, said he, I have no money to give thee, but if thou wilt let me lie with thee, thou shalt have these Shoes. The reward, and a little good na­ture, made her willing to put on the Shoes; but when he had done the work, he would have his Shoes again, and not­withstanding her resistance took them by force; saying, Let him that rides thee next shoe thee for me.


A Countreyman was used when he clove wood, to cry Hem at every stroke, and his Wife observing it, that then he struck with most force, bid him at night, [Page 62] when they were together, cry Hem▪ No, said he, I must not do so now; for I intend onely to bore, not to cleave thee.


Ben J [...]hnson, the great Poet, when the Bishop sent him from his Table an excel­lent Dish of Fish, but without Drink, said,

Mittitur in disco mihi piscis ab Archiepisce
po ne ponatur, quia potus non mihi datur.
In a Dish came Fish
From the Arch Bis­Hop
was not there,
Because there was no Beer.


One having a Horse that was very har­dy, and had but little stomack, though with himself he might easily by degree bring him to live without Hay or Oats and so substracted daily something fro [...] his Meat, till at last the Horse died; an [...] when afterwards he was carrying him o [...] in a Cart to lay him in the Fields for th [...] Crows, and his neighbours asked him how his Horse came to die? Why, thought, said he, to have made him live [...] [Page 63] nothing; and just as I brought him to it, he died.


Mr Fuller and Mr. Sparrowhawk, walk­ing together, amongst other merry dis­course, said Fuller, What difference is there between an Owl and a Sparrowhawk? Why, said Sparrowhawk, 'Tis fuller in the body, fuller in the face, and fuller all over.


A wise Barber having been to trim a Doctor at night, was offered a Candle to light him down stairs; which having taken, and light himself down, he brought up again, and returned thanks, and so went away in the dark.


A Welshman hearing another Malefa­ctor that was try'd just before him, say, concerning a Mare he had stoln, That he brought it up from a Colt; when he came to be examined of a Sword he had sharked, said, That truly, by St. David, 'twas his own; for he bred it up of a Dag­ger.


One commended another before much company, for having very handsome [Page 64] Legs. Yes, but, says the simple Rogue, I have got two pair of Stockings on.


One seeing his son do untowardly, Why Sirrah, says he, did you ever see me do so, when I was a boy?


A blundering Doctor going out one night wi [...]h his m [...]n to see a fire that was in Cambridge, on the backside of the Town; and co [...]ing amongst the Crowd: Go Thomas, said he, to his Man, see how the fire is. But his man being hindred by those that laded water out of a Ditch, from going over the Bridge; returned to his Master, and told him he could not get near. What, said he, you are afraid [...] be burnt in your bed, now let me come and see.


Mr. Ralph Amner of Windsor, com­monly called the Bull-Sp [...]aker; when he was very sick, and at the point to die▪ Well, said he to his friends, when I am dead, write only this on my Tomb for my Epitaph, Here lies honest Ralph, as dead as any man living.


One said, Doctor Wilson the Musick Master, when he first fell sick, lookt ve­ry thin; Can you wonder at that, said an­other, when Camelion like he lives by the Air?


The Gardiners place of a Colledge be­ing void, a certain person put in for it; the Dean asked him if he understood Gardening? No truly, replied he, but I will hire one to do the work. Nay then, said he, you cannot expect to have the place; and so sent him away. But as he was go­ing througb the Court, he calls after him, Now it comes in my mind, says he, there is a place void, which I think would do ve­ry well for you; and that is the Greek Pro­fessor's. Alas Sir, said the man, I un­derstand not that language. Oh but, repli­ed the Dean, you may hire one to do the work for you.


When Mr. Button died, Od slife, said one, are graves become Button h [...]les?


One praying in Paul's Cathedral, his Hat was stoln from him; of which when he complained to the standers by, You [Page 66] should, said one, have watch'd as well as pray'd.


An impotent Gentleman having marri­ed a rich young Gentlewoman, whom he could not satisfie, gave a young lusty Gal­lant Fifty pounds a year to do the work: But his Waiting-man seeing this Gallant one day with his Mistriss, ran to ac­quaint his Master; but he, fained as if he were in a sleep, and gave no answer: which made him cry the more urgently, That his Marriage-Bed was defiled. When his Master saw he would not be quiet, Peace, peace, says he, I give him Fifty pound a year for doing it▪ Ah, Sir, repli­ed the man, had I known that, I would have done it for half the money.


When a Tallow-Chandler in the Neighbourhood died, one said, 'Twas strange that he who made so many weeks, could make his days no longer.


A notable Strumpet having given her Footman a new Livery, 'twas his fortune as he went on some Errand, to meet a Gentleman that knew his Lady; this Gen­tleman calls after him, desiring to know [Page 67] of him whom he served; the Footman told him such a Lady. A Lady, quoth the other, she's a damn'd Whore. So the Footman in vindication of his Mistrisses honour, drew; but the Gentleman, more expert at his weapon, soon disarms him, and kicks him into the kennel, and spoils all his bravery. The Footman coming home in that pickle, tells his Lady how it came; saying, He hoped, that since in vindication of her Ladiships honour, he had hazarded his life, she would be plea­sed to give him a new Livery. Begone you Rogue, says she, I shall have enough to do, to give you a new Livery for every one that calls me whore.


A Welchman shitting from a Bridge, Good shit, by Davy, said he, what a De­vil no plump; for he expected to hear his excrement fall in the water, but all the while shit in his Coat-pocket.


I see you do all under colour, said the Glazier to the Painter, seeing him daub­ing some Rails. Go your wayes for a Rogue, replied he, you'l never leave picking quar­rels.


Three great Masters of their Trade, a Vaulter, a Barber, and a Fencer, con­tended together, who was the best expe­rienced in his Art. The Vaulter leap [...] and sate a Stag in his full course, the Barber shaved a Goat running, the Fen­cer in a rainy day, so brandished his Sword over his head, that no drop of rain fell upon him. Let him judge which was the best that believes the Story.


A Fool that ow'd a Carpenter a shrewd good turn, finding him one day in a sleep upon a Form, took the Axe and cut off his head; then cama into the House laughing: whereof when he was asked the reason, It is, said he, to think how the Carpenter will look for his head whe [...] he wakes.


Two Fools lying together, a great dispute arose; Who should lie in the middle of those two, and could not be ended; till one more wise, laid a Broom­staff between them.


A Maid accused a youth for ravishing her before the Justice, This is a great [...]rime; said he, indeed; and did he never [...]e with you before? If he did — then. [...]ses, if it please you Sir, said she, at least six or seven times.


Some merry Companions talking of what rare pieces of Clockwork they had seen, one said he had seen something far stranger, which was a Merchanick that pull'd out of his Pocket three little Cocks, one he call'd a French, the other a Dutch, the third an English one; then taking the French one, he struck him over the head, this made the French Cock cry out, Par­ley veu Francois Monsieur. The Dutch Cock being struck in like manner, cry'd, Give me a little English Beer. Here he ended his Story, whereupon the Compa­ny, and one especially, was very desi­rous to know what the English Cock said? Why, replied he, it cry'd, Put your Nose here, pointing to his Breech, Put your Nose here.


A Physician being to examine a Lad, asked him, Why sick Persons were said to [Page 70] be Patients? Because, said he, they suffer so much by the Physitian.


One said to his Friend, Sir you are as wise as Solomon. The other replied, And you are as wise as Socrates. Why Socrates? Because, said he, Sciebat tantum se nihil scire.


One told his Lady of Pleasure she was very fruitful. How can that be, Sir, said she, since I never had any children? That's nothing, Madam, said he, nevertheless you bear many.


Two Gentlemen, a tall and a short one, woed the same Lady; and her Friends li­king both, resolved to put it to her choice which she would have: Then viewing both well, and comparing their propor­tions with her desires; seeing one short, the other tall and lusty; I will, said she, have the long one, if all things are propor­tionable.


One said, A Covetous Man was never satisfied. Why so? said his Friend. Be­cause▪ replied he, he thinks nothing enough. Why then, said the other, he is satisfied [Page 71] with least, if nothing be enough for him.


One told his Wife there was a Law coming out, That all Cuckolds should be drowned. O pray Husband, said she, then learn to swim.


One called another Bastard, that was so indeed; therefore wittily he answered, Children and Fools tell truth,


A Gentlewoman and her Maid being to [...]et up some Cloaths against Christmass day, had so delayed the time to the very live, that she her self, her Maid, and a hired Washerwoman, were all little e­nough to dispatch them. On the Eve therefore, betimes in the morning, they [...]ell to work; and at Breakfast, Here, says the Mistriss to her Maid, fetch a Quart of Ale. Why Mistriss if you please, said the Washerwoman, I will j [...]yn my penny, and we may have three pints. And I will joyn mine too, if you please, said the Maid, and we will have two Quarts. Well then, said the Mistriss, bring three Quarts; we shall work the better: so there's my Groat. Then fell these three jolly Washerwomen [Page 72] to tost it and tipple it so long, till it lay raw upon their Stomachs forsooth; and then it came in the Maids head, that a little Brandy would do very well to take away that rawness; and therefore offer­ed her penny towards it: the hired Wo­man was right, and offered hers. And here's my two pence, said the Mistriss. Oh, said the Maid, here is a penny too much, what shall we do? Why you and I, said the Washerman, will put our pence a pitt [...] more, and we may have half a pint. This they fell to the Brandy, and at last truly the Mistriss found her self very sleepy, and would needs go lie on the Bed to take a little nap to refresh her self; the Maid something drowsie, followed after: and the poor Woman in the Kitchin, taking the advantage, stretcht her self out by the fire. Thus they lay fast till next morn­ing, when the Maid awaking, rose and found the Woman sleeping in the Kitchin and the fire out; then running to her Neighbours to light some Charcoal, to kindle the fire, least her Mistriss should be angry; she found there the Roast Beef on the Spit, and great preparations for [...]omething extraordinary. So she asked the Maid who dined with them that [Page 73] day, that they made such great provision? Why, said she, 'tis Christmass-day. The Maid astonished, ran to acquaint her Mistriss, yet could scarce perswade her of the truth, till the Bell toled to Church and took away their doubting.


At a Feast, where many Citizens and their Wives were met, the chief of their discourse being about Cuckolds; one ask­ed the reason why the men wore the horns, when the women onely were in fault? That is, said another, because the man is the head, and where would you have the horns grow else.


A Countrey Schoolmaster, read inga Lesson to his Boys, concerning the Ver­tues in Moral Philosophy, gave them this general Rule to know Virtues from Vices; That Virtues consisted in the middle, and Vices were extreams: The next day when he examined, he bid one of his Scholars give an example; and the Boy instanced in Virginity. Why Sirrah, said he, who told you Virginity was a Vertue? You did Sir, you said that all Vertues consisted in the middle, and so doth Virginity.


A conceited person would fain know of his friend what others thought of him? Why reply'd he, you appear to the wise foo­lish, to fools wise; what think you of your self?


A Gentleman, that had many Chil­dren, was saying one day to his friend, That his Wife was more fertil than his Land. That may well be, said he, for if you are a weary, or won't take pains to make her so, others will.


When one talking of Sir Francis Drake's good success, related how often he came home in safety from several long Voyages. Truly 'tis strange, said ano­ther, in all that time he ne'r was duckt,


One following his Master on foot, and stroaking his Horses buttock, the Horse kick'd him over the shins; wherefore he took up a stone to throw at him: but in­stead of hitting the Horse, he hit his Ma­ster over the back. This made his Master turn about, and ask what was the matter? Alas Sir, said his man, holding his Leg with his hand, your Horse hath almost [Page 75] lamed me. Well then replied his Master, I must put him away; for he kick'd me but just now also over the back, and 'twas God's mercy, he did not dash out my brains.


One said that such a pocky person was very ugly and wondred that any woman would be so mad as to accompany him. Why so? said another, he is Ven-ustus enough.


A man having been a long journey out of Town, for the more speed of his bu­siness, rid post home; and after he was at Supper, and in Bed with his Wife, he said to her, My Dear, you must not ex­pect any kind caresses from me to night; for I am so weary that I cannot stir. This caused his Wife to curse in her heart those that had invented the post. A few dayes after walking with his Wife in the yard, he spied the Cock sitting in the Sun asleep by the Henns, without following them. Then he asked his Wife what made the Cock so dull and sleepy by his Hens? I do not know, Husband, said she, unless he hath ridden post.


A Captain having lost one eye by a Musket shot in the late Wars, the other became distempered ever after, and often ran with water. This made a friend of his ask him one day, Why that eye that was well, wept so much? Alas, said he, how should it do otherwise, having lost its one­ly brother.


One told his friend merrily he was be­witcht, for as much as his head was all in one lump: And you my friend, replied the other, I am afraid are mad; for your heart is not on the right side.


A Lady going to visit a Gentlewoman of her acquaintance, took her Maid a­long with her, which was very simple and ignorant; and it happen'd, as they came away, that in straining comple­ments, there escaped a fart; not a thun­dering one, but a Lady's fart; born be­fore its time. At this accident she became very much ashamed, and to excuse her self, she put it upon the Maid, saying, Get you hence you stinking slut. The Maid being wrongfully accused, as all the Com­pany knew, went about to excuse her [Page 77] self: but her Mistriss persisting, made her hold her tongue; and so took leave of the company. Afterwards when she was out and alone with her Maid, she said, How now impudence, how durst you contradict me? Did you not see I did it to save my cre­dit before the company? And that it would have been better, they should have thought it had been you, than I. The Maid begg'd pardon, saying, She did not think in the least of that. Go, go, you are a beast, said her Mistriss, and by your dulness make me suffer shame. Whereupon the poor inno­cent Maid, to repair her fault, went back privately to the House whence they came, and entred into the Room where all the Company was, laughing still at the pleasant Dispute between the Lady and her Maid: Then making a great reve­rence, she said aloud, Gentlemen and La­dies, I declare freely, that the fart which was let here just now, I take upon my self. Which caused the Company to redouble their laughter at the simplicity of the Maid.


Some unlucky Lads in the University, bearing a spight to the Dean for his seve­rity towards them, went secretly one [Page 78] night and daubed the Rails of his Stair-Case. The Dean coming down in the dark, foul'd his hands in the dung; at which much inra­ged, he resolved to make examination a­mongst all those that were most likely and suspected to do it: but chiefly he sent for one and laid it on him, as being most suspe­cted to be the Author. This the Lad ut­terly denies, but the Dean and the Fel­lows being still more urgent upon him to confess the matter; Truly, said he, I did it not, but if you please, I shall tell you who had a hand in it. Here the Dean thought to have found the truth, and thereupon asked him whose? Your Worships Sr, said the Lad; which caused him to be dis­miss'd with great applause for his in­genuity.


A Clown bringing a Letter to a Gen­tlemans House, delivered it in haste to a a great Baboon that stood at the Door in a Scarlet laced Coat; the Baboon soon tears the Letter to pieces. The Gentleman having heard of the business, when he met the Countreyman next, began to scold at him bitterly for not bringing him the Letter. I will assure you, replied the Peasant, I delivered it to your Son at the [Page 79] Door. My Son, says the Gentleman, you Fool, 'twas a Baboon. Truly, an­swered he, I thought it was your Son, he was so like you.


A certain Apothecary in London, see­ing a young Rustick Fellow that look'd somewhat simply on the matter; with a Hare on a stick, which he was carrying to market to sell; said to his Companions, Sirs, 'Twill be worth our while to get this Peasants Hare from him by some pleasant stratagem, and that shall be this, I will ride up before, and make him believe that it is a Cat which he carries, and will be judg'd by you. Thus he accosts the Fel­low, saying, Friend how doth your Wife, whither carry you that Cat? How, said he, what do you take this Hare for a Cat? A Hare, said the Gentleman, laughing, why 'tis a Cat, thou Fool, canst not thou distin­guish between a Hare and a Cat? I will lay thee the price of a good Hare, that 'tis no other then a Cat; and we will be judged by those Gentlemen that ride by yonder tree. The Peasant recollecting himself, and trusting his eye-sight, laid the Wager; but was soon daunted, when he saw him­self condemned by his Judges: who made [Page 80] him believe that 'twas a Cat; and so sent him home empty handed, whilest they went and eat the Hare, not without great mirth and pleasure, considering the sim­plicity of the Clown: whose Wife as soon as he came home, asked him what he had got for the Hare? You fool, said he, 'twas a Cat; Lord that you and I should be so deceived. His Wife thought him mad, and he call'd her fool, that at last they contended so much, that the Neighbours came in to part them; and understanding the matter, made them friends again, by shewing plainly, that 'twas a trick of the Apothecary. His Wife resolving to be revenged, went not long after and filled a little Barrel with Turds, and put the thick­ness of three fingers of Honey on the top, which she carried to the Apothecary, ask­ing if he would buy her Honey, which she would sell him very cheap: the gree­dy Apothecary took it at an under rate, and the woman went away rejoycing she had returned cheat for cheat so effectually. Not long after the matter being discover­ed, the Apothecary became even to this day, a cause of mirth and laughter to as many as knew the matter: every one ask­ing him whether the Cat that ate the Hare, had shit the Honey.

2 [...]6.

A Souldier, a merry fellow, finding a Louse one day on his sleeve, walking to and fro to take the Air, took him up by the back between his fingers, and said, I protest if I catch you again out of your quarters, you shall die; and so put him in­to his Collar.


A Countrey Farmer coming up to the Temple, to enquire for his Son, whom he had sent thither to study the Law, found in a Note that was left in the Key hole, I am gone to the Devil. Ah, said his Fa­ther, my dear Child, have I brought thee up so tenderly, to come to this? and began to take it so heavily, supposing the Law had brought him to the Devil before his time.


A Maid being to dress a Rabbet for her Masters Supper, being newly come to Town, partly out of ignorance, partly out of haste, sent it to the Table with the ears on the head: this made the Compa­ny laugh so, that her Master could not find in his heart to be angry▪ but onely ad­mon [...]shed her that she should not use to send up the ears. Not long after there [Page 82] was a Pig to be sent to Table, and remem­bring her Masters charge, she eat up the two ears.


Alphonsus King of Naples, had in his Court a Fool, which used to write down in a Book all the Follies of the great men of his time, that were at Court. The King one day, having a Moor in his Hou­shold, he sent him to the Levant to buy Horses with Ten thousand Ducats. This the Fool marked in his Book, esteeming it a pure folly. In short time after, the King as he used to do, when he had a mind to be merry, called for the Book, and found at last his own name, with the Story of the Ten thousand Ducats. The King being somewhat moved, asked the reason why his name was there? Because, said the Jester, you have committed a piece of folly, to give your money to one you are never like to see again. But if he come a­gain, answered the King, and bring me the Horses, what folly is that in me? Then replied the Fool, If he ever come again, I will blot out your name, and put in his, th [...] is so foolish to return with your money.


An English Merchant trading at Am­sterdam, was to sell a thousand pounds worth of Gloves to certain Jews, and had agreed upon the price: but the Jews re­canting of the bargain, when they brought their money would have but half. Well, said the English Merchant, then you must give me a little time to sort them, and you shall have half; so he commanded his men to put all the right-handed ones in one parcel, and the left in another: then when the Jews came, he bid them take their choice, which being made, and the money paid, they began to pack them up; but perceiving at last they were all for one hand, they were forced to come and buy the rest at the Merchants rate.


A poor Yorkshire man bringing up his Son to the University, was told he might have very good lodging when he came there, at the Cardinals Cap Yes but, said he, will it not make my Son a Pa­pist?


The same man being come to the Uni­versity with his Son, as they were both [Page 84] drinking in the Kitchin at their Inn, the youth espied a long Kettle amongst the rest, and knowing this was the place where he was to get his Learning, Pray father, says he, what is that Kettle for. Why, said his Father, 'tis such a one as we never had in all our generation; but I suppose it is, that when they would have two several broths, they put fish in one end, and flesh i [...] the other. The boy hearing this, makes answer to his father, O the Devil [...] you.


'Tis reported of King James, that when a Gentleman made as though he took a Louse off his Arm, he gave him Twenty pounds, saying it was a Gentle­man's companion. Whereupon, to make the King merry, he said, That he would maintain a Louse to be the nimblest and the slowest of all Animals; the strongest and the weakest; the worst and the best. The nimblest, says he, because let me go never so fast▪ it never deserts me; the slowest, be­cause if I will pull it out of my head and lay it down, it can never overtake me; the strongest, because if a house fall on me, yet 'tis ten to one if the Louse be kill'd and knock'd in the head; the weakest, because I [Page 85] can kill it with my Thumb; the worst com­panion, because it alwayes preys upon me; and the best, because it alwayes accompanies me in my adversity.


A simple Fellow walking in the Fields alone, came at last to a Ditch, and ma­king a pause, Now Robin, said he to him­self, what do'st think, canst thou leap over this Ditch or no? In faith, replied he to himself, I cannot tell; but if thou wilt Ro­bin, I will lay thee a Crown I do. A match. And so he prepar'd himself to leap, and taking a good run and the advan­tage of the Bank, he leaped quite o­ver. Ah boys, said he, there's your Crown, But now, Robin, wilt thou lay another, that thou canst leap back? Faith that's very difficult, nevertheless hang it, I do. Then taking a good run, he leaps just into the middle up to the waste in mire and water; but crawling out on the other side, Hang it, says he, I don't much care, I have neither won nor lost.


Ralph Amner, the great Bull-maker of Windsor, tumbling one day over a Form, A pox on it, says he, I have burnt my shins.


A Roguish Butcher told a Fool he would give him a farthing to leap into the kennel, which was pretty broad after the new-fallen rain; so the Fool hopt in, first with one foot, but the Butcher would have him leap in with both; then he hops in with the other, yet was very loath to leap in with both. The Butcher still urg­ing him, at last he leaps in with both, and then would have his farthing: But the Butcher said he would give him none. I thought so at first, says he, and so goes his way.


Tom the Barber seeing his Neighbour cut down a Pear Tree, desired him to let him have some of it; Why what use would you put it to? said he. I would, replied he, onely make a few Box Combs.


A Lawyer and a Divine being merry together, the former to jeer the latter, said, I heard a Priest say one Sunday in his Sermon, instead of Jonas was three dayes and three nights in the Whales Belly, that he was three dayes and three nights in a Quailes Belly. And I, said the Divine, heard one say once Instead of the Devil was [Page 87] a Liar from the beginning, the Devil was a Lawyer from the beginning.


One related in a Coffee-house, how he had seen in Turkey a Hall thirty miles [...]ong, and a Table therein six and thirty; which a young careless Gallant taking for truth, related in the next Company he met: where all laughed very much at the improbability, that a Table could be long­er than the place where it stood; and the Gentleman was much ashamed. The nex [...] time therefore he met the person of whom he heard the Story, he began to quarrel with him, for having offered to impose such Lies and Fables, as that was concern­ing the Table, on Gentlemen, that expe­cted to hear nothing from him but the truth. Why what untruth do you find in my relation? said he. What? replied the o­ther; Can any thing be more against reason, than that a Table should be six and thirty miles long, and the Room where it stands but thirty? Alas Sir, replied the other, you did not take all the story; for it turn'd in four miles at each end.


Two Fools washing their feet in a Brook, had so entangled their feet, that [Page 88] they knew not which was which; one would have this, the other thought 'twas his, and they began to quarrel; but a Passenger seeing the simple contenti­on, struck them over their backs with his stick, and fear soon made them find their legs.


A Countrey Carter coming through London Streets with his Hobnail'd Shoes in a slippery place, his heels flew up, and an Apprentice standing in his [...]hop, said to him, How now friend, you see our City stones are very proud, they scorn that a Bum­kin should tread up [...]n them. To which he replied, As proud as they are, I made them kiss mine Arse.


When a witty Gentleman heard, how a certain Impropriator made nothing to devour Churches, Alas, said he, tis pity so bad a Liver should have so good a Sto­mach.


A Clown coming to London, read on a Sign-post, Here are Horses to be let 1661. Cuds life, says he, if there are so many Horses in one Inn, how many are there in all the City?


Amongst a company of good fellows, one thinking to impose on the rest, who were poor Seamen, told very soberly for a truth, That as two Gentlemen were fighting, one lost his thumb in the fray, which a Chirurgeon passing by accidental­ly, took up and put in his Pocket: This Chirurgeon meeting the Gentleman two moneths afterwards, and hearing him complain for the loss of his thumb, told him for so much money he would set it on as fast as ever; and did it so perfectly, that no one could tell that ever it had been cut off. And I doubt not, said he, but if the man were living, I would have his hand to shew for it. One of the Seamen, who had listned all the while, and was too under­standing, to be imposed upon so grosly, said, I had a thing happened to me once in my travels much like to this; which was, Travelling into the Countrey of the Canni­bals, with a friend of mine, I chanced to lose him one day, and running to and fro to seek him, I saw at last a company of Canni­bals feeding on him; this misfortune made me very pensive, but considering no time was to be delay'd, I went privily and sprinkled a powder that I had into their drink; and [Page 90] they had no sooner drank it, but they pre­sently were drunk, and disgorged their Sto­machs of what they had eaten, and fell a­sleep: then seeing my self pretty secure, s [...] had time to gather up the miserable morsels of my friend, then placing them together, I powred some of the same powder on them, and restored him to life, and his perfect shape; and if he were yet alive, he himself would witness what I have told you. 'Ti [...] very strange and improbable, quoth the o­ther, that after your friend was not onely dead, but part of him swallowed down, and then vomited up again; that those parts [...] chewed and half digested, should stick to­gether and become the same man. Oh Sir, said the Seaman, you may easily imagi [...] that, if you do but remember the thumb, the thumb.


Two persons quarrelling together, one struck the other, but company coming between, hindered the fray at that time; nevertheless he that received the blow, threatned the other that he should never escape so; and according to his word, the next time he had opportunity, which was a day or two after, he hit him over the mouth: the other in cool blood, and [Page 91] [...]ot willing to quarrel, was willing to pass [...] away with a Jest. What, said he, can­ [...]ot one touch you, but you must hit one in the [...]eth of it.


A little boy sitting with his Grandmo­ [...]her by the fire in the winter time, when [...]e lifted up her Coats to warm her knees, [...]pied something between her legs; and [...]ould fain know what it was. It is, said he, a Rabbet skin, that your Mother [...]rought me from Market. What and [...]ve you burnt a hole in it, Granny? said [...]e.


Some women talking of Cuckolds; one was so simple as to ask where their horns [...]ew? another seeing her ignorance, said, [...]n the nape of the neck. Truly I thought so, [...]aid she, my Husband wears out his bands [...] much behind.


The good man being out of Town, is neighbour brought home a pair of Pan­ [...]iers he had borrowed, and lay with his wife in thanks; but he coming home un­expectedly that night, disturbed their kind embraces, and forced his wife for [...]aste, to hide her friend in one of the Pan­niers, [Page 92] as it was made fast to a Cross-bea [...] in the Room. The good man, being little in drink, as soon as he came in he would have a Candle; his wife fearin [...] this would discover her friend, was ver [...] much against it: but forced by the threa [...] of her husband, at last she light one and desired him with kind speeches an [...] embraces to make haste to bed; this kindness so inflamed her husband, that [...] would fain be at her, even before he w [...] undressed: and when at last she had helped him to bed with great diligence, th [...] her neighbour might not be seen whe [...] he was sitting with one leg in one Pannier, the other in the other, cross the Beam [...] Her husband said, Sweetheart, I hav [...] been married to thee these two years, an [...] yet never saw what I had to do with; no [...] I am resolved to view what hitherto I onely felt. So as he was looking on it earnestly with the Candle, and viewing it well the fellow on the Beam, that had neve [...] seen one before, leaned and leaned still farther and farther, to get a sight of it till at last he fell down Panniers and al [...] The good man, much affrighted, cry'd aloud, Who is there? to which the othe [...] replied, 'Tis I neighbour, am come t [...] [Page 93] bring you home your Panniers. A pox on [...]ou, says he again, you need not have brought [...]hem home in such haste.


One Citizen in a scoffing manner call'd [...]is neighbour Nicumpoope, and the other [...]aking it for some very shamful and op­ [...]robrious name, resolved not to put it [...]p, but quarrels with him. Why, I'll [...]ay you forty shillings, said the other, you [...]re; and such a one shall be Judge be­ [...]ween us. The Wager being laid in that persons hands, he sends for the mans wife [...]o know whether he were a Nicumpoope [...]or no. The Wife being come, Good wo­man; said the Judge, you must here speak and confess the truth for your husbands good, whether ever he saw your commodity [...]r no? Yes truly Sir, that he did, said she, this very morning, and kiss'd it too.


A covetous Gentleman, and one of no great wisdom, whom avarice had bereft of right understanding, hearing his Stew­ards says, he had killed him a Bullock a­gainst the Holy-days; What, said he, do you mean to undo me by such extravagant expences; I will have but half a one kill'd at a time.


A Cheat and a Pick-Pocket play'd toge­ther at Dice, and still as the Cheat won, the other pick'd his Pocket. At last said the Pick-pocket, seeing he could win no­thing by the Dice: Sir, you cheat me con­foundedly. The other feeling his Pocket empty, said, And you have pick'd my pocket damnably. So every man to his own Trade.


Two Welsh Gentlemen travelling, knockt very late at an Inn-keepers door, Who is there? cry'd the Host. Some Gen­tlemen, said they, that are benighted, and desire lodging. How many? said the Host again. Why here are, said one of them, John ap Rice ap Jones ap Hugh, and Ni­cholas ap Steven ap Giles ap Davy. Th [...] Gentlemen all good night, said the Inn-keeper, I could have provided a bed or two; but cannot lodge such a company.


A Woman whose Husband had but one eye, hoping he could not see all her faults, kept great familiarity with a friend; but her Husband coming home one night unexpectedly, when they were both together, surprized and ignorant [Page 95] what was best to be done, she ran in great [...]aste to the door, with a candle in her [...]and, sayng, Husband I fell in a slumber [...]ust now by the fire, and I dream'd you [...]ould see with your other eye, and can­not beat it out of my mind; pray let me cover the other eye with my hand and [...]ry if you can perceive ought. By this witty stratagem she gave time enough to her friend to convey himself out of the way, and to escape her Husband.


A witty, though unfortunate fellow, ha­ving try'd all Trades, but thriving by none, took the Pot for his last refuge, and set up an Alehouse, with the Sign of the Shirt; writing under it; This is my last Shift: which brought him much compa­ny and much profit.


Another, when he could not get a Li­cence to sell Ale, by reason of his pover­ty; nevertheless brew'd good strong Li­quor: and if any one call'd for Ale, Truly Ale have I none, said he, but I have what's as good; bringing a Pot of his own brewing. By which ingenious device he soon got money enough to buy a Licence.


A Frenchman and his wife lodging at an Englishman's house, both so perfect children of their own Countreys, that neither understood each other; it so fell out, that the Frenchman's wife cry'd out in the night, and he ran up stairs to call a Midwife which lay over him; this being done, he ran down to acquaint his Landlord and Landlady with it; where standing by their Bed-side shivering, for it was in the depth of Winter. His Land-lady pitying him, said to her husband, Pray husband, since the weather is so bit­ter cold, and you are here in bed with me, that you need fear nothing; and the bed is large enough, let Monsieur come and lie down with us till day light. So the French­man was permitted to lie down on the o­ther side of the woman. Now by that time, the good man having been weari­ed by his daily labour, was fallen asleep again, the Snake began to grow warm, and crawl'd up upon the woman's belly. The motion of the bed awaking her hus­band, he calls out, Wife what do you do with the Frenchman, what do you do? Why what would you have me do? said she, If I should speak to him, you know [Page 97] [...]he understands not one word of Eng­lish.


A Preacher took his Text thus, O ye fools, when will ye understand. Now my Text, said he, is the Voice of the Crier O [...]e, and fools, my beloved, are so nearly joyn­ed to ye, that I cannot separate fools from ye, nor ye from fools.


Another took his Text, Have patience with me, and I will pay you all; and ha­ving largely and learnedly treated of the noble Vertue of Patience, especially in forbearing our Debtors here; But of the rest, said he, when God shall enable me.


A certain Vicar, whom the Parishio­ners had denied his full allowance, resol­ved if it were possible, to give them a rub, and coming one morning to that place in the Psalms, where it is said, Man without understanding, is like to the beast that perishes; he read thus, Man without understanding, is like the best in the Parish.


One taking a flie out of a Glass, after he had drank, put it in again very care­fully; [Page 98] and being asked the reason? Be­cause, said he, I do not know but some i [...] this company may love it so.


A prating Lawyer, in his Cups main­tained, that one day was not to be kept more than another; and if any one sneez [...]d, to cry God save you, to him, was witch­craft. At last he happened himself to sneeze, whereat one in the room said, Hold fast behind, twice or thrice. This so offended the Lawyer, that he began to rebuke him that said it. Why, replied the other, truly I would have said God bless your Worship, but that I feared you should take me for a Wizard.


A Gentleman reprehended a certain Lawyer for tarrying so long in the Coun­trey from his wife, saying, That in his absence, she might want due Benevo­lence. Why Sir, replied the Lawyer, I shall give it her in full measure, when I re­turn; and put the Case any one owed you a hundred pounds, whether had you rather have it all together, or shilling by shilling? That is very true indeed, replied the o­ther, one would rather have ones money all together; yet it would vex you if your [Page 99] wife in your absence should want a shil­ling.


When the Souldiers in a Camp began to be very lowsie, and complained to to their Captain they were not able to endure them. Turn your shirts, said he, and shake them, and the lice will have a dayes march at least, before they can come to your skin.


One told a London Hector, he won­dred he did not fear to be so much in debt? Damn you, says he, am I in debt? I owe no man a farthing. Why Sir, repli­ed the other again, you know well enough, that Peruque, those Cloaths, those Stock­ings and Shoes, that Hat, and that Muff are not yet paid for. Yes, says he, that's true; but he onely owes, that intends to pay.


A London Taylor, true but for lying, honest but for stealing, fell suddenly very sick, and when his friends began to de­spair of his recovery, and that he thought himself he should die, his Conscience be­gan to prick him, and to bring into his imagination all his former sins; then did [Page 100] he think he saw before him all the Fiends of Hell displaying sundry colours of those Silks he had at several times stoln; this so terrified him, that after he grew well, he bought him a Bible, went to Church, and shewed great reformation; nay the very meat that was to be eat on Sunday, he would have drest on Saturday; also least the custom and frequent use he had of stealing, should at any time make him for­get his zeal, he gave his Journeyman a special charge to put the apparition in his mind, when ever he saw him stealing any thing. Not long af [...]er, when a Doctor of Physick sent him some Velvet to make him a Goat, and he well knowing how much would serve, snips off half a yard: but his man espying it, said, O Master, Master, remember the Vision. Yes, yes, said he, I do remember the Vision, but there was not one piece of such Silk in any part of it.


A Gentleman that took great delight in Hunting, came hastily one day into his Friends Chamber, as he was employed a­bout some other business, asking him if he would go find a Hare? Pish, said the other, let me alone, let them go find Hares that have lost them.


One sending a Pair of Gloves to his Lady for a New-years Gift, writ on the Paper these two witty Verses,

If that from Glove you take the Let­ter G,
Then Glove is Love, and that I send to thee.


A witty Fellow in a company, when the whole discourse was of the Female Sex, said, That Women were born in Wiltshire, brought up in Cumberland, led their lives in Bedfordshire, brought their husbands to Buckinghamshire, and died in Shrews­bury.


When Mr. Kitchin a great Brasier in London, died, Cuds life, says one, will Death have his Kitchin un [...] ground.


A Welchman lying in an Alehou [...], h [...]d run up a great deal for Cheese, his Hostess therefore demanding a Shilling; How the Devil cuds splutter an [...] nails can that be? said he. Why look here, said she, point­ing to the score behind the door. Ah, [Page 102] thae's brave indeed, said he, what doth her think her does not know Chalk from Cheese.


Another as he travelled on the Road, and came to his Inn, he found nothing else ready but Plaice, so he would have two; and the Host dressed them and sent them up: then having eat all on the black side, he found himself not satisfied, and call'd for two more. The man seeing his simplicity, took away the Dish, turn'd the Plaice, and served them up with a lit­tle new Butter. Cuds life, says our Taf­fy, hath he black Plaice and white Plaice too?


A Baron and a Knight walking toge­ther on a Green, a Crow lighted on a Rail by them, making a great noise. I believe, says the Baron, Sir Knight, this Bird saluteth you. Nay rather, said the Knight, tis to some Lord he makes such low obeysance.


One meeting Bonner, that had been once Bishop of London, said, Good mor­row Bishop quondam; whereupon he re­plied presently, Adieu Knave semper.


Hugh Peters preaching of Faith and Hope, after a long and tedious discourse, forgot Charity; for he call'd out to a wo­man, that was talking with her Neigh­bour, to leave babling. Beshrew thy heart, said she, who babbles most thou or I?


The same man having newly hopt from the Stall to the Pulpit, instead of the Priest offered up a pair of Doves for a peace offering, read, he offered up a pair of Gloves and a piece of fringe.


'Tis said also of another of those fine Preachers in his days, that he thought himself very learned and a good Divine, when he said thus in his Sermon, Para­dise is become a pair of dice, and all houses turn Alehouses; but 'twas not so in the dayes of Noah, ah no. Another time he took this for his Text, My Bed is green, one­ly to shew this fancy, Typical my, Topi­cal Bed, and Tropical green; So beloved you see how it stands, Typical my, Topical Bed, Tropical green; Typical, Topical, Tro­pical, my Bed is green.


When Tom Holland quartering in Fleet-street, had raised his Landlady's Maids Belly, whose name was Nell Cotton, 'twas wittily said by an ingenious person, That he gave her a yard of Holland, she gave him an ell of Cotton, and what harm was there in all that.


Some boon Companions being merry at a Tavern, every one began to com­mend one sort of Wine or other; one e­specially stood up for Sack that 'twas a good Cordial, and would make one fat; Nay rather, says another, 'twill make one lean. How so? Ʋpon a Staffe.


A Gentleman meeting his friend, who had a very pretty Lacquey, ask'd him where he was? Alas Sir, said he, death hath sent him on an errand. And what is become of your Nag Sir, you came up on? Why he is foundred. Why then, replied the other, he hath served you right, to make you go on foot, since you made him lame.


One bid his Shoe-maker make one of his Boots bigger than the other, and when [Page 105] he brought them home, A pox on you for a Rogue, said he, I bid you make one big­ger, and you have made one less.


The same Bull-speeker talking of Lon­don, said, That truly the City was a gal­lant place, but the Air was very foggy, and a­greed not with him; and he did really think, that had he lived there till this time, that he had died seven years ago.


A discreet Gentleman being asked why he would not go, when his friend desired him, to have a man that could counter­feit the Nightingale exactly? Because, said he, I have heard her, when she sung her self.


A Welshman travelling with a Charge of Money behind him in his Cloakbag, was met by a Thief, who bid him to de­liver his Money immediately; or else he would make that Pistol, drawing one out of its Case, to bounce thorow him. What, said the Welshman, must that Pistol pounch through her? Her had better give her mo­ney that is her Masters, and spare her life that is her own. So the Thief without any resistance, took his Cloak-bag. But pray [Page 106] Sir, said the Welshman, since her hath her money, let her hear one pounce for it; for her never heard the pounce of a Cun. The Thief, ro satisfie him, discharged his Pistol, which ecchoed in many places. Cuds splutter and nails, said the Welsh­man, 'twas a gallant pounce, and there was many little pounces too; Pray let her have one more pounce, for 'tis a gallant thing. So the Thief let off his other Pistol, at which the Welshman seemed more plea­sed than before; and asked if he had no more pounces? No, said the Thief, I have not one more. Then replied the Welsh­man, that had long enough pleaded ig­norance, Her has one Pistol: and unless her give her her money, her shall make it pounce through her. And so forced the Thief to restore him his Cloak-bag a­gain.


A certain bold woman came to Grati­an the Emperour, and with much clamor complained to him of her Husband; to whom the Emperour mildly said, Woman what are these things to me? Yea, said she, for he hath also spoken many things against thee. To which the Emperour answered, Woman what is that to thee? Which so [Page 107] abashed the woman, that she went away ashamed.


A Boy vapouring of his Game Cock, said, It would die in the place. Nay, said a Gentleman, standing by, Give me a Cock that will live in the place.


At the Battle of Newport, the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army be­fore him, and the Sea behind him; said to his Souldiers, If you will live, you must chuse one of these two things of neces­sity, either to eat those Spanyards, or drink that Sea: which so encreased the Souldi­ers appetite to war, that they eat up the Spaniards indeed, and got a noble Vi­ctory.


When amongst many Articles exhibited to King Henry by the Irish against the Earl of Kildar, the last was, Finally, All Ireland cannot rule this Earl. Th [...]n; quoth the King, The Earl shall rule all Ireland; and so made him his Deputy.


A Gentleman being prickt for High Sheriff, who by reason of some indisposi­tion, desired to get off from that Office, [Page 108] his Wife enquiring into the matter, ask­ed a Gentleman concerning it. Alas Ma­dam, said he, your husband is prickt by the King, and it cannot be altered. Why Sir, said she again, doth the Kings Prick al­wayes stand.


About the year 1670, there was a no­table Robber hanged at Tyburn, whose name was Brass, whereupon a witty per­son said, 'Twas no wonder if so many Rob­beries were committed, since our walls were but clay, and our thieves of brass.


King John being perswaded by a Cour­tier to untomb the bones of one, who in his life time had been his great enemy. O no, said he, I would to God all my enemies were as honourably buried.


Queen Elizabeth coming to a Free-School, where she had an Oration spo­ken to her by one of the Boys; she after­wards asked him how often he had been whipp'd? To which, he wittily answered with the words of Aeneas to Queen Dido, ‘Infandum Regina jubes renovare dolorem.’


Another time having some Verses made to her extempore, by a poor School-boy, and understanding his condition, she said, Make me some Verses upon this, Pauper ubique jacet, to which he said,

In thalamis Regina tuis hac nocte jacerem,
Si verum hoc esset, pauper ubique jacet.


A Papist, as their usual manner is, ask­ed a Protestant where his Religion was before Luther? Why in the Bible, an­swered he, where yours never was.


Sir Walter Raleigh asking a favour of Queen Elizabeth, says the Queen, Sir Walter, when do you intend to leave off beg­ging? When your gracious Majesty, reply'd he, shall leave off giving.


When one asked his Friend to assist him in a base action, and was deny'd, What am I the better, said he, for such a friend, that denies me his help? And what am I the better, says the other, for a friend that demands such unreasonable things?


John Scot, famous through the whole world for his learning, being asked by a young Gallant that thought to have jested on him, as he sat at Table, What dif­ference there was between Scot and a Sot? answered suddenly Mensa tantum, that is, the Tables breadth; for the other sate just over against him.


The same person being worthily enter­tained by Charolus Calvus the French King, as he was once at Dinner with the King, there was a Dish wherein were two great Fishes and a little one; the King having tasted it, sent it down to Scot, to distribute it to two other Clerks that sate by him, and were two tall proper per­sons; wherefore John taking the Dish, gave the little Fish to the other two, and kept the two great ones for himself. The King observing this division, blamed him for not having dealt equally; but he pro­ved his distribution to be just, after this manner; Here, said he, be two great ones and a little one, pointing to the two great Fishes and himself, who was but little of stature; and there is one little one and two greas ones, pointing to the little Fish and [Page 111] the two tall Clerks; and what distributi­on can be more equal?


A Scotchman presented King James with a Turnip of an extraordinary and pro­digious size; which is a Root the Scotch­men love very much. The King pleased with the humor, gave him a hundred pounds, which another Courtier seeing, If the King, thought he, reward a Tur­nip giver so liberally, what will he do to him that offers a greater present? and thereupon presents the King with a very excellent Race-horse, wherefore the King turning to his Nobles, said, What shall we give this man? and when all were silent, By my soul men, said he, let us give him the Turnip.


When Metellus Nepos asked Cicero the Roman Orator, in a jeering way, who was his Father? he reply'd, Thy Mother hath made that question harder for thee to an­swer.


Marcus Livius the Roman, who was Governour of Tarentum, when Hannibal took it; being envious to see so much ho­nour done to Fabius Maximus, said one [Page 112] day openly in the Senate, That 'twas him­self, not Fabius Maximus, that was the cause of the retaking the City of Taren­tum, Fabius smiling to hear him, an­swered wittily, Indeed thou speakest truth, for if thou hadst not lost it, I had never won it again.


When Parson Bull came to visit the Chancellour Hide, Hide said smiling, Bull where are your horns? Sir, replied he, they go alwayes with the Hide.


Pope Benedict, when the Ambass [...]dour of the Council of Constance, came to him, laying his hand on his breast, he said, Hic est Arca Noae; to which they tartly, but truly reply'd, In Noah's Ark there were few men but many beasts,


A blind man hired a lame man, that is, one that had but one leg, and the other a woodden one, to lead him up and down the Streets, the more to move the pity of the beholders; and as they travelled one day, the lame man saw an Oyster lie in the way; wherefore stooping down to reach it, the other perceived he made a stop, and asked him what he took up? so [Page 113] he told him, that he had found a lovely Oyster: Give it me, said the blind man. The other, By the right of fortune, said, it was his, and would not deliver it. Not­withstanding the blind man pleaded he was his Master. Then they resolved to be judged by the next they met, which hap­pened to be a subtil Lawyer; who after he understood the matter, and that these two fools must wrangle for so small a mat­ter, draws out his knife and opens the Oyster, then eats it, and gives to each a shell.


A Welshman coming late to his Inn, went to bed in the dark, and being very dry, and finding a Bottle there on a Cup-boards head, he supposed it to be drink, and supp'd it off; which was indeed Quick-silver. In the morning when he felt the matter in the bed, for fear his Hostess should perceive he had beshit it, he arose and departed before day.


Another of the same Countrey, going in a dark night in London with his Arms stretcht out, to avoid dangerous objects, run with his Nose against a Post; Cuts splutter and nails, said he, is her Nose longer than her Arms?


A poor Cripple being asked by a Gen­tleman, why he married a blind woman? Because, said he, we shall the better agree, when neither can hit the other in the teeth with their infirmities.


King James being often troubled with the frequent Petitions of the Scotch Lords, when he was merrily disposed one day, he said to one Thomas German, a notable witty person, Suppose your self King, and I as you were, how would you behave your self towards these Petitioners? And there­upon made German sit down, and he himself stood at his Elbow, as German u­sed to do to him. Then came one Scotch Lord, then another, and another, and all petitioned for something; and German sitting in the Chair of State, said to them, I am more troubled with these Scotch Lords, than all the Kingdom besides; what can you expect or desire from me, when here is poor Tom German, pointing to King James at his Elbow, that hath been faithful to me and served me all along, and I never gave him any thing yet. This so work'd upon the King, that he considered all the good ser­vices he had done him, and rewarded him nobly.


A Reverend Man seeing a very chole­rick couple, married, and living lovingly, asked how they did to live so peaceably and comfortably together? To whom the man answered, When my Wives sit comes upon her, I yield to her; and when my fit is upon me, she yields to me; and so we ne­ver strive together, but asunder.


One told his friend he was mad for something he had done with less conside­ration and judgement than he ought to have done; and that he ought to be sent to Bedlam, to be cured of his Phrensie, and continued at that rate so long, till the other wittily answered, That he wondred much why as in all Commonwealths there was provided a Bedlam for mad men, there never was any place allotted for fools.


A Gentleman in Paris talking with a Priest concerning Religion, asked him why they used to kiss the Cross more than any other piece of wood? and what was in that more than any Tree else, that they did not as well kiss them? Why, said the Priest, is not your Wife made all of the [Page 116] same flesh and blood, and what's the rea­son you do not kiss her back side as well as her face?


One having eaten Eggs for Dinner in Lent time, went afterwards to the Ta­vern to make up his Dinner with a Glass of Wine, but staid so long, Pint after Pint, that when he came out into the air, the fumes of the Wine began to load his head, and instead of going home strait, he made many reelings cross the street; in so much that a friend of his see­ing him, began to chide him for his de­bauchery in the time of Abstinence; won­dering he said, that then when there was a time allotted by the Church for the Mortification of the Flesh, he would make himself a reproach and a by-word to all honest men. Alas, says he, now I see how false those things are that we com­monly take for truth How often have I heard that an Egge and a Glass of Wine would sustain a man four and twenty hours; and it is not two since I eat an Egg and drank a Glass of Wine, and now you see, I cannot stand.


An indifferent Poet shewing a Copy of Verses to a Crooked Gentleman, to have his judgement concerning them; after long perusal, though he were no great Poet himself, nor had any great judge­ment in such things; nevertheless he told the Poet that he disliked such and such things, and indeed that he thought they were not well made. Why then, said the Poet, taking it in great dudgeon that he should slight his Verses, all that I can say, if they are not well made, is that you will be taken for the Author: for they are made more like you than me.


A Countrey Curate having inveyed bitterly against the Vices of his Parishio­ners in his Sermon, one good woman that was there went to see his Mother, and said, That her Son had threatned them all with hell and damnation if they did not a­mend their ways. Oh, said his Mother, you are mad if you believe him; for when he was young, he was alwayes a great lyar and I never whipt him, but for speaking un­truth.


A Countrey woman sent her Daughter to a Lady with a present of ripe Medlars the clownish wench being come to the Lady, told her that her Mother had sent her Ladyship some ripe Medlars that were as soft as bran; but if she did not eat them quickly, they would not be worth one fart. This language and brutish be­haviour, so angred the Gentlewoman, that she resolved to complain to her Mo­ther of the incivility of her Daughter; and not long after meeting her in the Street, I thank you very much, said she, for your present, but the bearer was so un­mannerly as to say such and such obscene words. Ah, replied she, let me do what I will I cannot mend her; and notwithstand­ing all the civility that ever I taught her, she hath no more manners than mine Arse.


A Gentleman being passionately ena­moured with a fair young woman that was already married, was nevertheless so far driven by his passion, as to shew his love on all occasions to her; which im­portunity when she would endure no longer, and that still he pressed her more [Page 119] and more; telling her he had something to acquaint her with privately. She replied chastely and as a wise woman, should do, Sir, when I was under my Parents care, I never did any thing but what they knew and councelled me, and since at this time, I am in subjection to my Husband, I can do or consent to nothing but what he knows; there­fore if your demands be just and honest, ask him, and he will satisfie you.


A poor man having one onely Son, had a mind to bind him out to a Butcher, but being willing to get him a Master where he might best learn his Trade, he asked his friend to whom he should bind him? Oh, said he, there is a Physician in our Vil­lage, bind him to him; for he kills more than all beside in the Town.


A great Scholar, or a meer one, as we say, that took care neither for Wife, Children, nor any thing but his Book, was translating a Greek Book into Latine, and at the same time one came and told him his Wife was very sick; Well I have but three or four sentences to do, said he, and I will come. Presently came another and said she was dying; Well I have but [Page 120] three lines, said he, to do, and I come. Not long after came a third, that said she was dead; Alas, I am sorry, said he, she was a good woman.


The King of France coming into one of his great Cities, the Mayor came to make a Speech, and began thus, When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem; but being dash't out of countenace, he said again, When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem, and so the third time; but could not proceed; then the King turn­ing to his Courtiers, said, We may easily imagine this man is an Ass by the con­sequent.


A simple Gentleman falling sick, sent to his Physician, and desired him to bring him something that would ease his Head-ach, so the Physician sent him a Clyster to purge his Stomach and allay the fumes, whose multitude had caused that distemper; but he being ignorant how it was to be taken, bound it to his head, that it all ran about his shoulders: not long af­ter the Physician, who was now at lea­sure; coming to see the operations of his Physick, wondred to see him in that case; [Page 121] and told him at last he should have app [...]y'd it to the other end. So after the Physici­an was gone, Did you ever see, said he to his friends, such a simple fellow, that should cure my head-ach, and gives me a potion to be apply'd to my back-side.


One beat his Wife for being very lazy; Good husdand, said she, why do you beat me, I have done nothing. Therefore, answered he, I beat thee.


King James, of happy memory, consi­dering one day the vanity of his Courti­ers in applauding still all his actions, ve­ry seriously about noon looked up to hea­ven out of a window; and demanded of those that were about him, Whether they saw not a star near such a cloud? for, he said, he was confident he did. Whereupon every one looking up, began to deliver their opinions thus, one said, he saw it, and that 'twas a little bright star; ano­ther, that it twinkled very much, &c. eve­ry one with a several addition, conclu­ded positively as he said: whereupon he said, How unfortunate a man am I, to have so many fools to my Councellors; no wiser men, than right and wrong to say as I say.


A Gentleman, in whose face much drinking had raised many Pimples came in­to a Barbers Shop, and asked the Barber to shave him; but on this condition, That if he shaved him and cut any of his Pim­ples, he would kill him; if not, he would give him a piece of Gold. The Barber li­ked not those terms and plainly denied it; but his man undertook it, and though with great difficulty, yet with as much care he shaved him, and never cut him, and h [...]d the piece of Gold. Then said the Gentleman, Now Sirrah, what would you have done, if you had cut me? Why Sir, said he, I should have seen the blood first, and then I would have cut your threat and pleaded it was by accident. Which words so wrought upon the Gentleman, that e­ver after he shaved himself.


The King going to see his new Palace, as it was building, a Courtier not over­wise, happened to be in his Retinue; and when they had been there a little while, the Master Workman came and gave them an account of such and such Lodgings; and every one judged something to be so and so: at last comes m [...] simple Courtier, [Page 123] thinking to say something as well as the rest; and asks what that black Marble was for? The Master Workman replied it was for the House of Office. Ah, let us go away, said he, I knew it was so; for I smelt it above an hour ago.


A witty Fellow in London, took one day many Rams-Horns in his Basket, and went up and down the City crying, New fruit, New fruit, in the Winter. This made many people, and amongst the rest, a Lawyer, to call him to him; who see­ing his Ware, laught at him, saying, You fool, who do you think will buy your horns? Oh Sir, replied he, though you are provi­ded, yet I may meet with some that are not.


A simple Peasant lying on night upon the ground, and finding it very uneasie, when he awaked in the morning, saw a feather under his head. Oh, said he, doth one feather cause me so much disease, how are they troubled that lie on whole feather beds?


Virgil the famous Poet, was much in favour, through his great learning and [Page 124] judgment, with Augustus; in so much that he had his bread from him. Augustus, one day, knowing his deep discretion, asked him privately if he could guess who was his Father? To which he replied, Truly Sir, I do verily believe he was a Ba­ker. And when that Cesar asked the rea­son? Because, said he, you always reward me with bread. With which answer, Augustus being well pleased, rewarded him afterwards with money.


A poor Scholar in France being very hungry, came into a Shop where Petits Pates were sold, and aked what he should give the Man to let him eat his Bel­ly full? He told him he should give him Twenty pence. The Scholar told him he would give Fifteen; and the Man took him at his word. So the Scholar sate down, and eat the first Oven full; which contained four dozen. The Man seeing that, asked if he would not drink a Glass of Wine? Oh no, not yet, replied he, I do not use to drink, till the third Oven full. So the poor fellow was glad to let him go with what he had eaten, without paying a farthing; for fear he should have undone him.


Pope Alexander being accustomed highly to commend the Institution of the Single Life of Priests, and to blame their using of Concubines, was wont to say, God hath forbidden us to get Children, and the Devil hath given us Nephews.


Pope Boniface being told by one of his Court, that there was a Pilgrim of the Countrey of Bavaria, come to Rome, of purpose to visit the Religious Places of the City; who did altogether resemble him both in person and in countenance. Boni­face having caused him to be sent for to his presence, demanded of him, If his Mother had ever been at Rome? The Pil­grim perceiving himself touch'd with sup­position of Bastardy, answered, Holy Father, My Mother was never in this Countrey, but my Father hath been here many times.


Some good Companions being very merry together, fell into a Discourse con­cerning Beards; and some pretended to conjecture others qualities and conditions by their Beards: at last, in continuance of the discourse, one who had a red Beard [Page 124] [...] [Page 125] [...] [Page 126] and hair much of the same colour, was ve­ry desirous to know what they thought ofhim? Why I should guess, said another, by your Cow-colour'd beard, that you are a Calf.


A Gentleman going one night to the House of Office, bid his Footman bring the candle and light him; which being done, when the Gentleman had done what he came to do, he pulled out a Letter out of his pocket, and was going to tear it: Whereupon the Footman desired to have it, and he would give him some other paper: Why, what would you do with it? said his Master. Oh, Sir, said he, my Mo­ther in the Countrey would fain have me send her some Letters, and I cannot write; so I would send her that.


A Gentleman being at a Feast amongst much company, where every one had his Lacquey waiting on him, called his Foot-boy to change his Trencher, on which there was a whole Chick; the Youth ta­king it away, had no sooner set it down, but he perceived the other Lacqueys to cast an eye at it, for they took away no­thing but bones; so fearing lest they [Page 127] should steal it away he brings it on a Tren­cher to his Master, desiring he would let it stand by him; for there were so many greedy guts, that he feared they would steal it. His Master seeing his simplicity, re­peated the story to the company, which caused very great mirth.


A Felon being to be hang'd in a Coun­trey-Town, word was sent to the Carpen­ter to make a Gibbet; but he neglected to do it, and the day of execution was de­ferred, which caused the Judge to be very angry who sent for the Carpenter, asking, why he had not done it. Why, Sir, replied he, I have done two or three already, and ne­ver was paid for them; but had I known it had been for your Worship. I would have left all other business to have done it.


Some Hogards being together, and talking of the King, one said, If he were King, he would eat fat every day; the other, that he would have now shoes every month; the third, that he would be carried upon a Cart-load of Hay, with his belly up­ward, all day long; the fourth being de­manded what he would do; Oh, says he, you have wish'd for all the best things al­ready, [Page 128] and left me nothing worth desiring.


A Countrey Farmer's Wife having lent her Man a Mare to ride to the Wood, the Mare th [...]ew him, and ran away to the Wood her self, where the Wolf's eat her: His Mistris brought him before the Ju­stice to make him pay for the Mare. So he goes to a Lawyer to know what he should do; the Lawyer not being at home, his Wife desired the Man to stay. But at last, when he was tired with expecting him, he told her he cou'd stay no longer; but, if she pleased, he would tell her his busi­ness. Sir, said she, I do not much know these kind of matters; but if you please to tell it, I am willing to hear it. Then be­ginning to tell his story, he so intangled himself, that she could not understand him, and desired him to speak more plain. Why then, Madam, said he, suppose you were a Mare, I saddle, I bridle, I girt you, I get up upon you; you kick, you fart, you play the devil, throw me off, and run away to the Wood, and the Wolf eat you; must I pay for you. No surely, replied she▪ Why then, Madam, said he, my case is good.


A woman going to Mass to present her Tapers, fixed one to Saint Michael, and another to the Devil that was at his feet. The Clerk seeing that, came and told her she had done amiss, in offering that Candle to the Devil, No matter, said she, 'tis good to have friends every where, for we know not where we shall go.


One accusing another before a Judge, said, He was a debauch'd person, a rogue, and a thief. Do you here, said the Judge, how he says you are a debauch'd person, a rogue, and a thief? How so, repli'd he, pray, Sir, did not he speak to you?


A drunken young Heir, that sold all his Lands to maintain his lust, when by much eating and drinking he fell into a distem­per, sent for the Physician to have his ad­vice, who perceiving his disease to arise from abundance of ill humours, caused him to be let bloud; and about an hour after the Chyrurgeon had been here, he came to see the bloud, to judge by it; and looking upon it, Sir, said [...]e, your bloud is very green. Alas, reply'd the Youth, how can it be otherwise? I have [Page 130] eaten all my Meadows and Corn-fields.


'Tis usual in Spain to have Crosses at the end of, or near every Town; so a Spaniard travelling, when night came on, espied a Cross, but when he came up to it, there was no Town near it; and having travelled two Leagues farther with much pain and trouble, at last he saw a Gibbet, and presently came to a Town: Well, said he, henceforward I shall sooner believe in a Gibbet, then the Cross.


A Fisherman having brought to shoar great store of Soles, gave notice by the Crier to the Town, that such Fish were come in, and were to be sold at such a place: Some bought of them, others said they stank, some said this, and some that. A Gentleman that had bought some, gave order to his Maid to dress them; which, as she was doing, the Cat eat one; which so incensed the Maid, that she took a great stick and knock'd her in the head. Her Master coming in, ask'd her, why she had done it? and when he knew and perceived there was no remedy, he took the Cat and threw it out into the street among the people, saying, See, there's a Cat that's [Page 131] dead with eating a Sole. The people a­larm'd with this, supposing the Cat to be poison'd, ran to the Fisherman, and threw all his Fish about the street, and carri [...]d him before the Judge, for intending to poison the Town. The poor man, igno­rant of the cause of this dysaster, still pleaded his Fish were new and sound. The Judge, to know the certainty of the matter, sent for the Gentleman, who re­l [...]ted the story with much mirth. But the poor Fisherman went away sorrowing for his loss.


A Spaniard and a Gascoign coming both in together to an Inn, in France, found nothing ready but a piece of Mutton and a Partridge; so one would have the Par­tridge, and another would have it, and be­gan to quarrel. The Hostess desired they would be pleased to eat it together but the Bragadocio Spaniard, whose head was building Castles in the Air, said, It should be reserved till the morning, and he that dream'd the best dream, should eat it for his breakfast. So eating the Mutton for their supper, they went to bed. The Spa­niard could not sleep one wink, for think­ing what he should dream. The Gascoign [Page 132] having observed where the Partridge was set, arose in the night, and eat it. The next morning when both were up, the Spaniard fearing the other might say his dream, which he thought was the best, said very hastily, that he dream'd the rarest dream in the world, That he saw the Heavens open, and that a Quire of Angels carri'd him up with Musick to Heaven. Then said the Gascoign, I dream'd, that I saw you carri'd up to Heaven; and thinking you would never come down again, I rose and eat the Partridge; for I knew you would have no need of meat in Heaven.


Two Gascoigns came to Paris, to live their by the sleight of their hand, knavery, stealth, and such like endow­ments, as their poor Countrey had fur­nish'd them with; but being both appre­hended, one, who had been branded be­fore, was hang'd on a Gibbet, the other was whipt at the foot of it. The latter having escap'd so well, returned back to his own Countrey; and after he was wel­com'd home by his friends, many enquir'd what was become of his Friend and Com­panion. Oh, says he, he hath made true the saying, That no body is a Prophet in his [Page 133] own Countrey. How so? said they. Because, repli'd he, he is marri'd. And when they asked, To whom? He answered, To one of a high quality, and that he danced at his Wedding.


A Welchman being condemn'd to be hang'd, when he was brought to the place of execution, and was ready to be turn'd off, the Hangman ask'd him if he had ought to say. Yes, said he, I would wil­lingly speak to some of my Countrey, if any be here. Then the Hangman call [...]d out to know if any such were there, he should hold up his hand. It hapned one was there, to whom the Hangman said. That poor man would speak with him. So when he drew near, he asked, if he knew such persons in Wales. The other repli'd, He did. Then, said he, you know my father and mo­ther, who, I know, will be much griev'd at my misfortune: but pray, to comfort them, tell them, I die a good Christian, and am cer­tainly informed that I shall go to heaven; and I hope they will follow me thither the same way.


A Gentleman coming into London out of the Countrey, as he came by New [Page 134] Chappel, his Horse threw him; which a young Gentlewoman seeing, fell a laugh­ing. The Gentleman being angry that she je [...]red him, said, Pray wonder not at this, Madam, my Horse always stumbles when he sees a Whore. To which she answer [...]d merrily, Have a care then, Sir, for if you ride into the City, you will break your neck.


Three drunkards having been late a drinking, and knowing what a peal their Wives would ring them when they came home, lai'd a wager among themselves of ten pounds a man, that they would all obey what their Wives first commanded them and would do it. So coming to the first man's house, his Wife had prepared a good staff for him, and as soon as he came home, sell upon him; he stepping back, trode upon an earthen dish, and broke it. Ay you Rogue, said his Wife, do, go, break all. So he up with his staff, and broke the windows, and all the pots, till at last she beat him out of doors. Then they went to the Second's house, his Wife was of the same temper, and fell upon him, that striving for haste to get away, he let a Fart: Ay, go shit, you drunken Rogue, [Page 135] said his Wife, go. So he down with his breeches and Shit in the room. Then they went to the third [...]s house, where the Good-man being pretty well in drink, he stumbled over the threshold: Ay, you drunken Rogue, said his Wife, go, break your neck, do. A pox on you for a Whore, said he, you have made me lose my wager.


A certain Papist, that never carri'd Beads about him, was ask'd the reason by his friend, who accused him of his being Irreligious. Oh, said he, I have a Wi [...]e, who is so lean, that in stead of Beads, I can count the bones in her back, and say my proyers so often Yes, but, said the other, when you have gone as low as you can, do you then kiss.


A Curate in the Countrey had made the poor people believe he was a Con­jurer, and a great Diviner; a Lord there­fore sent one day for him, and question'd if he could Divine; so he plainly con­fess'd he could not, but that the vulgar people had reported it onely of him. Nay, repli'd the Lord, that will not serve, either you must tell me four things that I shall ask you, or resolve to be dispossessed of all your [Page 136] Preferment as a Cheat, a Deluder, and Im­postor. Thus when there was no hope of escape, he desired him to propose his questions, and to give him two days to consider on them. The Lord gave him that time, and said, First, you must tell me where the middle of the world is. Se­condly, what I am worth. Then what I think, Lastly, what I believe. The Curate went away much perplexed what to answer; but in his way a subtil Joyner of his ac­quaintance met him, and by much per­swasions got out of him the cause of his melancholly. Well, said he, troub [...]e not your self; lend me your robes, and I will clear you of this matter. So the day being come, the Joyner invests himse [...]f with the Cu­rates Gown, and goes away betimes in the morning to the Lord, that was not yet stirring; nevertheless the Lord wil­ing to hear his answers, got up: Well, said he, what do you think of the questions? where is the middle of the world? Why, reply'd he, if you please to go out with me into the fields, I shall shew you, for it is hard by. Is it possible? says the Lord. So out they both went, and the Joyner having drawn a Circle to colour the matter, and some strange figures, at last stuck down his stick, [Page 137] and said, Just there is the middle. But how shall I know? reply'd the Lord. Why if you please to measure it, said he, and it wants but one hands-breadth, I will forfeit my life. Well, said the Lord, what am I worth, all my debts paid? Why, answer'd he, our Saviour was sold but for thirty pence, and if I say you are worth but nine and twenty, I think I do you no great wrong. Then the Lord ask'd him, what he thought. You think, reply'd he, more, I am sure, on your profit then on mine. Lastly, he ask'd, what he believ'd. Why you believe, said the Joyner, that I am the Curate, but I am onely a poor Joyner. Which caused the Lord to dismiss him with a reward of his inge­nuity, laughing heartily at his witty answers.


Three Soldiers talking together, were overheard by a Courtier to say thus; one said, Had he a thousand pounds he should be happier then the King; The other said, Were he a Captain under the King, he should be happier then he; The last, That had he one nights lodging with the Queen, he should be the happiest man in the world. The Courtier related this to his [...]ing, and the King for divertisement sent for these [Page 138] three the next day before him, and bid them upon pain of death confess, and tell what they said the night before, at such a time. The first fearing the King's anger, said That he had indeed rashly said, That if he had a thousand pounds, he should be as happy as the King. So the King com­manded that a thousand pound should be given him. The second desired his Maje­sty's pardon for his bold saying, That had he a Captain's command under him, he should be as happy as he. Then the King con­ferr'd that Office upon him. The third fell down on his knees, begging pardon from the King, forasmuch as he had said, That if he lay one night with the Queen, he should be the happiest man in the world. Well, said the King, that is not in my power to grant; but if thou canst get here consent, thou hast mine. So he brought him before his Queen, and told his petition. But the Queen, to show that our desires ought to be placed on suitable objects, caused him to be well whipt.


A Spaniard and a Frenchman contend­ing about Religion; Why quoth the Spa­niard, will you contend with us for Religion? there are more Saints that have been Ca­noniz'd [Page 139] in Spain, then there be hairs on my beard. And there are more in France, said the Frenchman, then I have hairs on my beard and my head. Then, said the Spa­niard, let this decide it, I will pull a hair off your beard for every Saint I name, and you shall pull one off mine for every Saint you name. So the Frenchman began, and pull'd one off the Spaniard's beard, crying, St. Denis. Then the Spaniard doing the like, said, St. Ignace. The Frenchman pulling another, said, St. Martin. The Spaniard, St. Xavier. The Frenchman, St. Louis. The Spaniard, St. Terese. The Frenchman, St. Clotilde. The Spaniard, St. Isidore. The Frenchman, St. Bun. The Spaniard plucking two at once, said, St. Cosine and St. Damian. The Frenchman resolving to be revenged, took a whole Mustache, and pull'd it off, saying, The eleven thou­sand Virgins. Upon this the dispute ended, the Spaniard not being able to endure, or parallel so great a number.


A Sergeant coming to seize upon the goods of a poor woman for her Husbands debt, would be put off by no complaints of the poor woman, and was so unrea­sonable, as to take the very kettle off the [Page 140] fire, that stood upon a Trevet. The woman seeing that, took up the Trevet with the Tongs, and clapt it upon his head, which burn'd him deeply, and mark'd him for a Rogue.


A Cordelier and a Jacobin mee [...]ing at the same Inn, the next morning the Ja­cobin paid his reckoning; but the Cordelier supposing to have come off every where with Retribuet Dominus, was forced by the Master of the house, who was a Prote­stant, to pay for what he had had. Then he desired the Jacobin to lend him so much. But he said, he had no more then would just bear his charges; so that the Cordelier was forced to pawn his Books. The next day they went out together, both being to go the same way; and it so fell out, that in their p [...]ssage they came to a pl [...]sh of water; the poor Cordelier put off his Sandals, and holding up his Gown, began to go through. The Jaco­bin that was rich, and well dress'd, could not tell what to do. At last the Cordelier asked what he would give him to carry him over? The other reply'd, That he would redeem his Books, and pay for him at the next Inn. So the Cordelier took [Page 141] him on his back, and as he came into the middle. But have you money to defray our charges? said he. Yes, that I have, answered the Jacobin; and to show it was true, clapt one hand in his pocket to make it chink. The Cordelier having this opportunity and advantage, and resolving to be revenged on him, let him fall into the middle, and went away laughing on the other side, saying, You have made me transgress my Orders, for I am never to carry money about me.


A witty Gentleman, and a lover of mirth, being invited by his friend to din­ner, and a dish of Partridges being set before him, he went to take one; but the claws of it were so intangled with the claws of another, that he could not easily get them assunder: Nay, said he, if you fight all day, and are resolved to do so, I shall never part you; and so took them both to his plate.


A young Boy having a Godfather that was a Physician, would by a [...]l means be of that profession, notwithstanding he ne­ver learned Latin, or any other Lan­guage then his own. His Godfather [Page 142] therefore to instruct him speedily, and to make a short cut of the business, told him, That a good way to judge the cause of a persons sickness, was, to look up and down the chamber, what fragments of victuals he could spie, and then ask if the sick person had not eaten such and such a thing; whereby people should much admire his great judg­ment. The Youth instructed with such and the like principles, goes out a hopeful Quack, and the first sick gowty person he came to, he pry'd up and down the cham­ber, and at last saw a Saddle; so when he came to the party, and found him much swell'd; Alas, Sir, said he, 'tis no marvel you are so swell'd, you have eaten a great deal too much Horse-flesh.


One having call'd a Maid, Whore, that was so indeed, nevertheless, because he could not prove her so, she brought him before the Justice; nevertheless he absolved himself with a witty equivoca­tions▪ for the Justice that knew him very well, said, Sir, this Maid accuses you for calling her Whore I call'd her Whore, re­ply'd he, 'tis true. But now I say she's an honest Maid, I lied. So the Justice laughing at his subtilty, dismiss'd him.


A Sergeant coming to a Lord, and be­having himself very rudely, said, when the others asked how he dared be so bold, That he cared for no body. Why, reply'd they, dost thou not know that he is ab [...]e to give thee a thousand stripes. That's nothing, said he; for if he scratches, I can bite. The Lord afterwards calling him to him, de­manded the cause that made him threaten him, since he had given him no reason to be angry, and said, That to take away all fear of his scratching him, he would have his nails cut; and then commanded his man to cut them presently. Now, said he, 'tis reason you should be hindred likewise of biting me; and therefore commanded his men to pull out all his teeth.


A Countrey Peasant having been at Confession with his Curate, and that had told him, that he had eaten Eggs that Lent, and was reproved, for as much as Eggs made Chickens; Chickens, Cocks; and Cocks, Capons: not long after, when the Curate sent to him for a dozen Eggs to set under a Hen, he sent to him a dozen boiled hard. The Curate ignorant of that, set them under [Page 144] his Hen, but at three weeks end, when he saw no Chickens, he broke one Egg, and found it hard, then he broke another, and so all, one by one, finding them to be boyled. This made him go in great haste to the Peasant, to know the reason why he had thus imposed upon him. But the Peasant told him, he did not know what he meant. Why you fool, quoth the Cu­rate, did you ever think that Chickens could be hatch'd out of hard Eggs? Why so you told me, Sir, quoth he, last Lent; for when I confessed to you that I had eaten Eggs, you chid me, saying, Eggs made Chickens, Chickens grew to be Cocks, and Cocks were made Capons: now if boyled Eggs which I eat, would ever have been Cocks and Capons, how did I know but the boyl'd Eggs under your Hen would come to be so too?


A certain old man, a poor Labourer of the Countrey, seeing the Archbishop of Cologn to ride through the fields, armed, and accompanied with armed Forces, fell out in a loud laughing: Whereupon be­ing demanded why he laughed, he an­swerd, Because he wondred that St. Peter, Christ's Vicar in the Church, being ex­ceeding [Page 145] poor, had left his Successor so rich and wealthy; and that his Train should be more furnished with Men at Arms than with Churchmen. The Arch­bishop desired that the fellow should have better knowledge of him in his Place and Dignity; and told him that he was not onely an Archbishop but a Duke also; and that as a Duke he rode so accompani­ed with a Train of Men at Arms: but when he was in his Church, then he was attended on as an Archbishop. Sir, said the Labourer, I pray tell me, when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil, what will become of the Archbishop?


The Emperour Sigismond and one of his Pages passing over a certain River at a Foard on Horsback, when they were in the midst of the River, the Empero [...]s Horse stood still and began to stale; which the Page seeing, he said to the Emperour, Most Sacred Prince, your Horse is ill taught, and resembleth you ve­ry much. The Emperour answered not, but rode on to his Lodging, where being come, and in pulling off his Boots, he demanded of his Page why he had likened [Page 146] his Horse to him? Because, quoth the Page, the River had no need of any water, yet your Horse in pissing there, did adde water to water; and so do you, for you give wealth and riches to them which have plen­ty; but to such as have none, you given t [...] any. And it is long time since I have been with you, yet I never tasted of your liberali­ty. The Emperor the next morning took two little Iron Coffers, yet one was some­what bigger, which he filled with Lead; the other with Duckets; and bid his Page take one of them, which he would, for his long service. The Page chusing the biggest, Now open it, said the Emperour, and see what is within it; which he did, and found it to be Lead. Then said the Emperour, Now thou knowest thy fortune, the fault was none of mine, that thy choice was no better and that thou wert not made rich; for thou hast refused thy good fortune when it was offered thee.


A witty Gentlewoman, after her Hus­bands decease, was perswaded to live stil a Widdow, in imitation, and by the ex­ample of the Turtle, which after the death of the male, keeps continual cha­stity. [Page 147] To which she made answer, If I must follow the conditions of the Birds, why do not you as well tell me of the Dove and the Sparrow.


Lewis the Gross King of France, taking part with Holy Earl of Maine, against Henry King of England, in a Battel fought between them, found himself far severed from his people. A certain En­glish Knight seeing him, and being in hope to make himself rich, by taking him Pri­soner, laid hands upon the Reins of the Kings Horse, with intent to stay him, and began to cry aloud, The King is ta­ken. The King being valiant and of a noble courage, at one blow with his Sword overthrew the dead Knight to the ground: and seeing him fall, said, It is not one Knight alone that can give the King the Mate.


A certain bold Souldier was very im­portunate with a Gentleman to give him something for the losses and damages he had received in the Wars, and shewed the wounds he had received in his visage. The Gentleman seeing him so rash and [Page 148] audacious, resolved to fit him for his boasting and ostentation, saying, Take heed thou turn not thy face another time, when thou art flying from the enemy.


A certain Courtier finding the King in a good humor, as they discoursed of Dreams, said with a good grace before all the Company, how the night before he dreamt, That the King bestowed upon him a bag of Guineys. Whereunto the King presently answered, Why are you so foolish as to think a Christian man ought to believe Dreams.


In the City of Constantinople a certain Christian desired to borrow of a Jew the sum of Five hundred Duckets. The Jew lent them unto him, with condition, that for the use of the money, he should at the end of the term give him two oun­ces of his flesh, cut off in some one of his members. The day of payment be­ing come, the Christian repayed the Five hundred Duckets to the Jew, but refu­sed to give him any part of his flesh. The Jew not willing to lose his interest, convented the Christian before Sultan So­liman, [Page 149] Emperour of the Turks, who ha­ving heard the wicked demand of the one, and the answer of the other, com­manded a Razor to be brought and to be given to the Jew, to whom he said, Because thou shalt know that Justice is done thee, take there the Razor and cut from the flesh of the Christian two ounces, which thou demandest; but take heed thou cut neither more nor less; for if thou dost, thou shalt surely die. The Jew holding that to be a thing impossible, durst not adventure, but acquitted the Christian his Interest.


The Pope, who will have the disposing of Kingdoms and Dominions and Em­pires, when he consulted of taking up Arms against the Saracens, made Sancti­us Brother to the King of Spain, for his valour, hardiness, and good parts, King of Egypt; which was immediately pro­claimed. Sanctius not understanding Latine, in which Language the Cryer proclaimed him King of Egypt; and hearing the loud Acclamations of the Peo­ple, asked what they were for? who ha­ving told him that the Pope had grant­ed [Page 150] and proclaimed him King of Egypt, he said unto his Interpreter, Stand up, and make here presently a Proclamation be­fore all this people, that seeing the Pope hath made me King of Egypt, I make him Ca­liph of Babylon.


The Duke of Millain being besieged in a Castle by the Florentines; one day as he sate at Dinner, he could not away, but fell in mislike with the taste of the Victuals that were set before him; inso­much that he chid his Cook, and was very angry with him. But the witty Cook willing to justifie himself from blame, said unto the Duke, My Lord, your mean is well though dressed, but the Florentines have put your mouth out of taste.


The Poet Dant demanded of a Citizen of Florence, What hour it was? who an­swered him very rudely, That it was the hour, in which Horses go to be watered. Dant suddenly replied, What doest thou here then, that thou art not gone?


Before the Battel fought at Serizoles, the Marquiss of Guast, assuring himself of the Victory, gave his Jester a fair gilt Armor and a Spanish Jennet, and pro­mised to give him Five hundred Duckets, to the intent he should be the first that should carry the News to his wife. But it happened that the French beat the Em­perors Army, and the Jester was taken and brought before the Lord Anguien, who perceiving what he was asked who had furnished him in that order? My Lord, replied he, the Marquiss gave me my Horse and Arms; and should have gi­ven me Five hundred Duckets to go and tell my Lady his Wife, the first tidings of his Victory: but I believe he will gain the mo­ney himself, and is posted thither in per­son.


A Lords Fool seeing the Maids carry down much water into the Cellar to wash, cry'd, Fire, Fire, at which all the Neighbours ran to help; but the Lord not knoiwng how the matter was, searched all his House, and when all was found safe, he thanked his good Neigh­bours [Page 152] for their kindness, and dismist them. Not long after the Maids began to carry down more water, and the Fool began to cry Fire, Fire, again: so the Lord came out and ask'd him why he cry'd Fire? Why, said he, I see them carry down so much water, and I thought there was Fire.


Books printed for, and sold by Samuel Lowndes at his Shop over against Exeter House in the Strand.

DE Jure Uniformitatis Ecclesiasticae, or Three Books of the Rights belonging to an Uniformity in Churches: In which things, the Laws of Nature, and Nations, and of the Divine Law concerning the Ecclesiastical State with the Civil, are unfolded. By Richard Davis, Chap­lain to His Grace the Duke of Buckingham, in Fol.

The true Prophecies of Michael Nostradamus, Physitian to Henry the Second, Francis the Se­cond, and Charles the Ninth, Kings of France. and one of the best Astronomers that ever were. A work full of curiosity and learning. Transla­ted by Theo. de Garencieres, Doctor of Physick, London. Folio.

Aerius Redivivus: Or the History of the Pres­byterians, containing the Beginning, Progress, and Successes of that active Sect. Their oppositi­ons to Monarchical and Episcopal Government, their Innovations in the Church, and their Im­broilments of the Kingdoms, and Estates of Chri­stendom, in the pursuit of their designs from the year 1536. to the year 1647. By Peter Heylin, [Page] D. D. And Chaplain to Charles the First and Se­cond Monarchs of Great Britain.

The Compleat Horseman, and Expert Farrier, in Two B [...]oks. 1. Shewing the manner of breed­ing good Horses, with their choice Nature, Ri­ding and Dieting, as well for Running as Hunt­ing; as also directing the Groom, and Keeper, his true Office. 2. Directing the most exact and approved manner, how to know, and cure, all Diseases in Horses. A work containing the Se­crets and best skill belonging, either to Farrier, or Horse-Leach; the Cures placed Alphabetical­ly; with hundreds of Medicines never before im­printed by any Author. In Quarto.

The famous Conclave, wherein Clement the Eight was elected Pope; with the Intrigues and Cunning Devices of that Ecclesiastical Assembly, in Quarto.

A Familiar Discourse between George a true hearted English Gentleman, and Hans a Dutch Merchant, concerning the present Affairs of Eng­land, in Quarto.

A Short and Strange Relation of some part of the Life of Taffaletta, The Great Conqueror and Emperor of Barbary, in Quarto.

Paul Festeau's French Grammar, being the newest and exactest Method now extant, for the attaining to the Purity of the French Tongue. Augmented and inriched with several choice and new Dialogues in Octav [...].

ΠΑΝΣΕΙΒΕΙΑ. Or a View of all Religi­ons in the World, with the several Church Go­vernments from the Creation, to these times; al­so a discovery of all known Heresies in all Ages, [Page] and Places, and choice Observations and Reflecti­ons throughout the whole World. Enlarged and Perfected by Alexander Ross, in Octavo.

Of Credulity and Incredulity in things Divine and Spiritual, (among other things) a true and faithful Account is given of the Platonick Philoso­phy, as it hath reference to Christianity: As also the business of Witches, and Witchcraft, fully argued and disputed by Merick Causabon, Doctor in Divinity, and one of the Prebends of Christ Church in Canterbury, in Octavo.

The French Rogue, being a pleasant History of his life and fortune; adorned with variety of other Adventures of no less rarity: with Epigrams suit­able to each Stratagem, in Octavo.

Cicero against Cataline, in four Invective Ora­tions, containing the whole manner of discovering that notorious Conspiracy, in Octavo.

Sermon Preche Devant le Roy à Whitehal. Par le Docteur Tillotson, Doyen de Canterbury. In Octavo.

The Sinners Tears, in Meditations, and Pray­ers. By Tho Fettiplace, Dom. Pet. Cantab. In Twelves.

The Gentile Sinner, or England's Brave Gen­tleman Charactered. In a Letter to a Friend, as he is, and as he should be. By Clement Ellis, M. A. Fellow of Qu. Col. Oxon.

Idea Eloquentiae, sive ut vulgo vocant Rhe­toricae. De Periodis, Tropis, Figuris Verbo­rum, Figuris Senten [...]iarum, & integrae Ora­tionis partibus methodicè differens. Ac insu­per docens usum tum Periodos, tum Figuras tum denique integram Orationem, juxta Artis Ora­toriae [Page] regulas componendi. Authore Joanne de Kerhuel. S. E. M. in Octavo.

Cambridge Jests, &c. in Duo decimo.

Private Devotions, digested into six Letanies. 1. Confession. 2. Deprecation. 3. Supplication. 4. Thanksgiving. 5. Intercession. 6. For the Sick. With Directions and Prayers for the Lords day, Sacrament Day of Death and Judgment; and two daily Prayers for Morning and Evening. Twen­ty fours.

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