Caledonia; OR, THE Pedlar turn'd Merchant. A Tragi-Comedy, As it was Acted by His Majesty's Subjects OF SCOTLAND, IN THE King of Spain's Province OF DARIEN.
LONDON: Printed, and sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster. 1700.
Caledonia, &c.
I.
A Sorry Poor Nation, which lies as full North,
As a great many Lands which are wiser,
Was resolv'd to set up for a People of Worth,
That the Loons who laugh'd at Her might prize her.
II.
Her Sons were as false, and as apt for deceit,
As her Daughters were ready for change;
And if Scrubbing Scot had an Itch to be great,
It deserv'd more Excuse than the Mange.
III.
But what means to find out, or make use of what ways,
Was a business quite puzled her Thought,
For believe me 'twas no easie matter to raise
Such indigent Scoundrels from nought.
IV.
When (as ill Luck would have it) it came in her Head,
To fling by her Packs and her Linnen,
And since Times had always in Scotland been Dead,
To chuse a new Method to sin in.
V.
Her Neighbours she saw, and curs'd them and their gains,
Had Gold as they ventur'd in search on't,
And why should not she who had Guts in her brains
From a Pedlar turn likewise a Merchant?
VI.
Her claim was as fair, and as Just was her Plea
To the goods of this Life as the best,
And if Sinners look green like a Fruitful Bay Tree,
That a Scotch-man should Wither's a Jest.
VII.
Yet Mammon was false to his Worshipper true,
And with-held from his sight what he serv'd,
And though he sinn'd on, and believ'd like a Jew.
Like a Saint of a Christian he starv'd.
VIII.
Howe'er, 'twas resolv'd it should cost her a fall
But her Children should prosper and rise,
And she'd venture their Necks, and the Devil and all,
Of what Worth, is best known to the Wise.
IX.
For how could she Fall who Crep'd on the Ground,
And was level'd with Thistles and Brakes?
Or what Risque cou'd they Run who had nought to be found
But their Necks, and their Lice for their Stakes?
X.
Yet, though the Base Land and her People were curs'd
With the want of Just means to get Wealth;
Though their Feilds and their Faces spoke Hunger and Thirst
Their Hands were for Plenty and Health.
XI.
And if their Lean Acres 'stead Breadcorn and Wines,
Bore 'em Oats to discover their Natures,
And they'd nothing but Cole-Pits in the Room of Gold-Mines
To shew what was design'd for such Creatures.
XII.
'Twas the very same thing since Spain and Peru
Had abundance of what they had none;
Could they steal it, no matter where the Mineral grew,
Possession would make it their own.
XIII.
This Paterson saw, their Pastor and Guide,
Who rejoyc'd such a Frollick had seiz'd 'em;
And flinging his Texts, and his Sermons aside;
Left his Flocks to be damn'd if it pleas'd 'em.
XIV.
The Prospect of Gain made him off with his Band,
And away with his Bible Geneve;
For he had a business of Weight on his Hand,
The Deceivers to Cheat and Deceive.
XV.
He had whin'd, and had pray'd, and had taught, and had read,
Till his Hearers were going to leave him;
And had got scarce a Morsel to put in his Head,
For the Deel of a Jack could they give him.
XVI.
When he thought it but fit, as an Orthodox Teacher
To get rid of his Pennyless Lecture,
And since he look'd thin and had starv'd when a Preacher,
To grow Fat with the Name of Projector.
XVII.
Wherefore packing up his Divinity Tools,
He left Them and their Sins to God's Mercys,
And forsaking the care of their Ignorant Souls,
He put in for the care of their Purses.
XVIII.
Which no one had strove for had their Credit not went
Pritty currant with those who ne'er knew
The Reasons they took up at Thirteen per Cent.
What they ne're could repay though at Two.
XIX.
The People were willing, and ready prepar'd
To give way to his Protestant suit,
And greedily caught and believ'd what they heard,
Though they ne're from the Pulpit wou'd do't.
XX.
Which the sly Man of Kirk having Joyfully found,
He made use of his Wits at Command,
And told 'em he knew of a large Peice of Ground,
Where Gold was as Plenty as Sand.
XXI.
And their Title to Rule it was as firm and as clear
As the Scots were ordain'd for Salvation;
Nor could the poor sorrowful place where they were
Be design'd for a Sanctify'd Nation.
XXII.
'Ye are Israel's Sons, said the Scandal of Priests,
'And Israel's Sons should be fed
'Not with Onions and Oatcakes like a Parcel of Beasts,
'But with Manna and good Wheaten Bread.
XXIII.
[Page 7] 'Your Fathers before ye spent many a day
'In Bondage, in Want, and in Labours,
'Till Moses got Pharoah to send 'em away
'To the grief of their Land-Lords and Neighbours.
XXIV.
'And I weep when I think that my Countrymen's case.
'Has so near a Resemblance to theirs,
'That they sweat and they toil in manuring a place
'Which has nothing to give 'em but Tares.
XXV.
'But if ye'l be rul'd and be flexible Lads
'In treading the Paths which I'll shew,
'And attend to good Counsel like your Israelite Dade,
'I've a Canaan in store too for you.
XXVI.
'Not that I bid you do as your Fathers have done,
'Who God help 'em are fast in their Grave,
'But those who've no goods or effects of their own,
'May make use of their Neighbours which have.
XXVII.
The words were scarce out, and had mingled with Air,
When the People soon found what he meant,
And as a return to his Fatherly care
Scratch'd their A—ses to shew their consent.
XXVIII.
For the Reader must know that as other Folks hum
And clap at the close of a Speech;
So to shew they are Tickled, these finger their Bum
And lay hold on the places which Itch.
XXIX.
Though he well might have spar'd the consent which he gave
To the giddy Felonious Rout;
For they ne're were yet known to stand asking for leave,
But to take what they wanted without.
XXX.
As for their Relation to the People of God.
Such a claim have th' incredulous Jews,
And though this Alliance might look very odd
'Twas made out by their Faith, and their Shoes.
XXXI.
The first was like Saul's, and breath'd Famin and War,
To the true Church of Christ and his Priests
And the last in the Wilderness travel'd so far
That their feet were as bare as their Beasts.
XXXII.
But allow that for Truth which their Leader had said,
And conclude 'em right Jews in their Hearts;
They were down-right Aegyptians by the Lice which were spread
In the midst of their other foul parts.
XXXIII.
Let 'em be what they would, 't was the Vote of each Clan,
They'd a right to be led by a Moses,
And this was the Sanctify'd Tool of a Man
Whom they'd follow next after their Noses.
XXXIV.
The Zealot ne're stood like our speakers at London,
Who bemoan their own want of deserts,
And seem to pretend they could wish that were undone
Which if really so'd, break their hearts.
XXXV.
But to shew that the Person they'd chosen had got
A soul full as plain as his Phiz,
Took the Mob at their word, for fear should he not
And Refuse, they might take him at his.
XXXVI.
Yet though the Scabbed Flock would have follow'd their Guide
And have ventur'd through Thick and through Thin
Without any such thing as an Act on their side
To put a good Gloss on the sin.
XXXVII.
He resolv'd he'd a Law for his purpose procure,
And Thieve like a true Man of Sense,
And cheating the People, to make all things sure.
By putting a Trick on the Prince.
XXXVIII.
And away the Lay-Priest to the Senate-House went
With his Mob at his Heels to stand by him,
While he sued for their Indigent Honours consent,
Which nothing of Scot could deny him.
XXXIX.
But, Lord! What a Joy there appear'd in the Throng,
Who had hopes to obtain Transportation!
How they 'nointed their Joynts, and he Liquor'd his Tongue
To address the great Dons of the Nation!
XL.
Not a Man of a Thousand of all that came there,
But look'd big, as already preferr'd,
And his Shirt full of Lice and his Head full of Care
Spoke him not a jot less than his Laird.
XLI.
The Senate for their part, to their Praise be it told,
Were putting their Noddles together,
And consulting what Frize would best keep out the Cold
And fence off the next Winter's sharp Weather.
XLII.
However they drop'd their Debates, and their Votes,
And left hearing Committee Men's Speeches
Concerning the thickness and make of their Coats
For a Mettle to put in their Breeches.
XLIII.
And as soon as they heard 'em name Gold Bars and Dust
With abundance of such pritty matters,
They thought it belong'd to their Station and Trust,
To get some for their Wives and Daughters.
XLIV.
And up rose a Sage Member, whose Worshipful Face
Made the Saints near him almost adore him,
And gave 'em to know he could say a long Grace,
Had he good store of Victuals before him.
XLV.
With his Eyes towards Heav'n, & his Heart towards Gain
He made a long Prayer in Scotch,
Though he might have forborn the fatigue of his Brain,
And succeeded as soon in Low-Dutch.
XLVI.
Yet to shew that his Parents had taken some care
In breeding their Eloquent Son,
And that some of their Wits were as sharp as their Air,
And could make use of more Tongues than One.
XLVII.
Having pull'd off his Hat, as a Man that had been
Beyond the unmannerly Tweed,
And had beaten the Hoof and good Christians had seen
Who taught him to Bow at a need.
XLVIII.
He whin'd it in English to prevail for the Throng,
As a Language of Weight and Address,
And hating the People, made use of their Tongue
For the sake of the better success.
XLIX.
Brethren (he cry'd) behold! How good
The Lord is to his People!
He on our side not only stood,
And batter'd down vain Gods of Wood,
But gave us Church and Steeple.
L.
Thanks to his Name, we now possess,
Th' Effects of those we heard once,
And have their Lands without their Dress,
As we take pleasure to oppress
The very Men we fear'd once.
LI.
[Page 14] Yet though we sinfully have spar'd
Their Life, and took their Living,
God has been bountious still, and heard,
Our readiness to stand prepar'd,
For something of his Giving.
LII.
And lo! to this Good Man is told
By Heav'nly Inspiration,
How we may wallow all in Gold,
As our Good Sires in Dirt of Old,
And grow a Pow'rful Nation.
LIII.
Then what avails it that we've sent
The Singing Men a grazing?
That Priests for want of Meat keep Lent,
And Bishops starve in Banishment,
Whilst we their Goods are Praising?
LIV.
That Surplices are out of door,
And Liturgies uncommon,
That now the Babylonish Whore,
With all her Ceremonious Store,
Is worshipped by no Man?
LV.
If we (t' our shame) at last refuse
The Motions of the Spirit;
And having any State to chuse,
And be as Rich as any Jews
Not venture and Inherit.
LVI.
To be sure such a Godly Proposal as this
Which had one of th' Elect to stand by it,
Must needs be receiv'd, and th' Event hit or Miss,
They could ne're have the hearts to deny it.
LVII.
'Twas therefore agreed by the Saints one and all
To consent to the Robb'ry Projected,
And ne're to refuse so Gracious a Call,
But to do as the Spirit directed.
LVIII.
Not that I can e're think or am apt to believe
That the Burghers knew Paterson's Drift,
But am told though their Tenants are Idle and thieve,
They know how to be just at a lift.
LIX.
However 'twas voted that the Critical Minute
Was come for 'em all to be made,
And (Religion turn out) the Devil was in it,
But Room was now left 'em for Trade.
LX.
A Bill was prepar'd with a Cartload of Clauses,
That his Majesty might not peruse it,
And having a sight of their Reasons and Causes
Take advice, and go near to refuse it.
LXI.
This the good Prince ne're dream'd of, or suppos'd the Breasts
Of a People his Sword had preserv'd,
But immediately sign'd, to get rid of his Guests
Who fed in his Camp as Half starv'd.
LXII.
For the King had all manner of Reason to hope
That they harbour'd no thoughts which were Evil,
Nor imagin'd the Zealot, whom he'd sav'd from the Pope
Were running headlong to the Devil.
LXIII.
'Tis not to be thought but the Deputies mad [...]
All the hast that they could to be gone;
And having ill serv'd whom they ne're well obey'd,
Took Horse when their Business was done.
LXIV.
Though 'twas Death to the canting Wiseacres to part
With the sight of good Victuals and Drink,
And for actual provisions which onliv'd their Heart,
Go to feed on Potentiel Chink.
LXV.
As for his part the Wise Lord Commissioner's Grace
Was not the in the least at a stand,
But call'd in a trice for the Scepter and Mace,
At the sight of his Soveraign's Hand.
LXVI.
And Christning the Bill by a touch to an Act
Gave the Brat such a Title and Claim
As 't will get nothing by, 'tis matter of fact,
While Tweedal's its Godfather's Name.
LXVII.
The News had no sooner reach'd Edinburg Town,
And been heard by the Famishing Tribe;
But the Realms of both Indies ev'ry foot Were their own,
And the Country came into Subscribe.
LXVIII.
Not a man but would gang, and go set down his Fist,
Marry would he put in for the Plate;
And since 'twas nothing else but to be in the List
He'd immediately get an Estate.
LXIX.
Such a number of Scrawls, and of Pot-hooks, and Marks
No Parish beside this could boast,
As the Knights of the Thistle, fine blew Ribbon'd Sparks,
Set their Hands with the Knights of the Post.
LXX.
The Nobles, for want of the Ready, made o're
Their Estates to promote the design;
And in Quality-Capitals own'd they were poor,
And perfectly Strangers to Coin.
LXXI.
The Clergy, (mistake me not) those who could read
Sold their Calvin, and Baxter, and Knocks;
And turn the Whites of their Eyes to succeed,
Bles'd the Peices, and pray'd for large Stocks.
LXXII.
The Commons to forward the Vows and the Wishes
They had made to see Ships in the Fryth,
Made away with their Kettles, and Trenchers, and Dishes,
And would have made sale of their Teeth.
LXXIII.
But none could be found but had more than enough
Of his own, than he well could employ;
And all could find Grinders when few could find Stuff,
To set 'em at work, or could buy.
LXXIV.
Having rais'd what they could, and advanc'd such a Sum,
As our Parish Collectors for Dues,
Twas adviseable thought to go farther from Home
And get other Lands into their Noose.
LXXV.
And to shew that the Country next to 'em should have
The advantage of those more at distance,
They agreed first on England, as a place where a Knave,
Might prevail, and have ample Subsistance.
LXXVI.
When away the Sage Elders 'stead of Scotch Cloth & Packs,
The Burthens they commonly bore,
Took their Books of Subscriptions and their Lists on their Backs
And jogg'd on to the Christian Shore.
LXXVII.
Where 'twas all things to nothing but their tricks and abuses
Would have finger'd the Baggs of some Dons,
Which had got'em fair Wives for other Men's uses,
And foul Chambermaids for their Sons.
LXXVIII.
But the Parliament smell'd out the Stench of the Plot,
As the Sinners were serving there Turns
And caution'd the Cukold to beware of the Scot
If he meant to keep Gold with his Horns.
LXXIX.
Else the Patient Disciples of Rogers and Shore
Had paid in the Sums they set down.
And the sake of the Brethren and the Love of Gold Ore,
Had gutted that Sect in the Town.
LXXX.
As the Ptysical Saints who sate up for the Mace,
Believ'd what was said, and would hear 'em;
And a Bookseller thought to subscribe was his Place
As he serv'd the good Bishop of Sarum.
LXXXI,
As a set of Wise sparks who two Millions could raise,
Much sooner than ever was known
Would have fall'n by another Land's projects and ways
Who are now going down by their own.
LXXXII.
Such a rub in his way as a Senate-House Vote
Was enough to have damp'd a Mans Spirits;
But insolent Paterson kept his first Note,
And stood up for the Cause, and it's Merits.
LXXXIII.
And cursing their Wisdom, who could see through the Cheat
March'd off with his Parchment and Scrowls,
And endeavr'ing to shake the Dust from his Feet,
Had like to've got rid of his Soles.
LXXXIV.
For he'd trotted so far on an Errand so vain,
Where his Time and his Labour were lost,
That to set the frail Remnants together again
Was too hard on the Company's cost.
LXXXV.
The place he next fix on as a refuge for such,
Whom no Kingdom beside would receive
Was the Protestant Land of good natur'd DƲTCH
Who without all dispute would believe.
LXXXVI.
On Calvin that Nation pinn'd her Faith and her Trust,
And he Calvin's opinions had taught;
Which would make for his purpose, yes in Troth that it must,
Or the Country was running stark naught.
LXXXVII.
And having invented a Specious fair Tail,
For Money to pay for their Fraights,
He and his Comrades in an instance set sail
To address the Compassionate STATES.
LXXXVIII.
Who, pious good Men, for the sake of their Land
Are pleas'd to be always content
To accept of Proposals from head or from hand,
If the profit be Thirty per Cent.
LXXXIX.
But the Righteous Projector, like a true Man of Crape
Took a Sooterkin's treat at free Cost,
And while he bless'd Heaven for the Juice of the Grape,
In a Hellish Condition was lost.
XC.
And his Falshood all drown'd in the Truth of the Cup
He spew'd out his Old Kingdom's design,
And discharging his Stomach the secret came up
And disclos'd a worse stench than his Wine.
XCI.
Not that those he apply'd to, had Stomacks so squemish
To grow sick or be pall'd at the thing,
But a smell good or bad's never noisome in Flemish,
And a Turd's all the same as Old-Ling.
XCII.
But their Magistrates thought it more Politick still
In their dealings with Neighbour or Stranger,
Though they'd take all occasions to bring Grist to their Mill,
To bring't, if they could, without danger.
XCIII.
Without any dispute our Apostle was vext
To see matters so damnable cross,
However he studied from the Words of the Text
To help those who occasion'd his loss.
XCIV.
And since the Fleet Royal of Scotland was Ta'ne
By a French Privateer nigh the shore
And the two Ships would ne're ride in Leith Road again,
That did nothing but wast the Kings store.
XCV.
He gravely consider'd that the Hollanders Wood,
Had it's growth in a Presbyter Nation,
And the Timber no question was Sea-proof and good
Whose Owners held Predestination.
XCVI.
Wherefore, though he could not get in for their Gilt
By his Subtle Delusions and Pray'rs;
He order'd some Protestant Ships to be built
That the Dutch might be Masters of Their's.
XCVII.
Least the Plancks, should they come from Idolatrous Ground,
Might give way, and the Brethren be lost,
And those who were born to be starv'd might be drown'd,
And the Proverb and Doctrine be crost.
XCVIII.
Yet to shew that Dame Fortune could never subdue,
The minds of a People so Stout,
He Shrug'd up his Shoulders, as one who'd pursue
What his Masters had sent him about.
XCIX.
But as Augurs of Old before a design
Stood waiting the Birds and their Flight,
And from that side they flew to could guess and Divine,
If it was a good minute to Shite;
C.
So the North-Country Prophet as full of concern
As if more than the Scotch laid at stake;
Attended devoutly for a token to learn
If People worth nothing could break.
CI.
When before he could possibly turn him self round
As he pray'd for a sign to set sail,
To his unspeakable comfor he found,
A Louse bite the left Cheek of his Tail.
CII.
And Transported with Joy for the Signal, he cry'd,
Heav'n bids us put off from this shore,
'Tis apparent good Luck, since he bites the lest side,
And Fortune will thwart us no more,
CIII.
Which had like to ye been true, and a Louse had been rais'd
To Men's Worship, as Beasts in old Times,
Had the Hamburghers swallow'd the Bait which they prais'd,
And shar'd in their Trassick, and Crimes.
LCIV.
But a Resident just to the Prince and the Land
Whose Honour and Wealth was his aim,
Made 'em hold back their Money, though they put down their hand,
For the sake of their Master's great Name.
CV.
Which the Felons made use as a Specious Disguise,
For the Theft which was just in pretence;
That what was found out, and refus'd by the Wise
Might be caught at by Men of no Sense.
CVI.
Having lost his Shoal Anchor, what Methods to take
No Mortal among 'em could tell him,
He had done what he could for Christianity's sake,
And yet nothing but mischiefs befell him.
CVII.
He had sounded the Lovers of Calvin and Christ,
But they'd nothing with which they would part;
And neither Meeting or Church would bring Grist
Though he did what he could for his Heart.
CVIII.
Poor Luther's Disciples he'd have joyn'd with the Kirk,
But they'd baulk'd his Expectance and hope,
And he must either side with the Jew or the Turk
Or be damn'd and go Snacks with the Pope.
CIX.
This made him be desp'rate, and advise his Collegues,
To stand by his Project or fall,
And since they were cross'd by an Envoy's Intreagues
To rob Peter to even with Paul.
CX.
And taking up Money which will ne're be repay'd
He got three of his Ships out of Trouble
While the rest in the Ouze not in Lavender laid,
Rotted on to shew Scot for a Bubble.
CXI.
And to make it appeat the Projector could Swim,
Though the Project was ready to sink,
Homewards he sail'd with his Vessels as Trim
As if those which were in 'em had Chink.
CXII.
For their Part the Ships were all new spick and span,
And had Cannon as other Ships bore;
Which made the Scots run, Child, Woman, and Man
At such a Strange sight to the shore.
CXIII.
Yet though their new Fleet made a sort of a show
And the People took Pleasure to see 'em;
Their Owners they sigh'd and ask'd Councel to know
Now they'd purchas'd 'em what to do wi' 'em.
CXIV.
At last 'twas agreed, and for certainty found,
That whatever came of their affair;
The Ships could but sink, and the Sailors be drown'd
Which would make things no worse than they were.
CXV.
And orders were giv'n to their Servants and Skippers,
To loose their Top sails and be gone,
Where their Parsons, and Bibles, and Perukes, and Slippers
Would bring 'em in forty for one:
CXVI.
They'd abundance of other pritty nick-nacks to truck
And Exchange with the Natives for Gold;
When flinging three Lice on the shore for good Luck,
They Launch'd forward to steal what they could.
CXVII.
And being in hast for the Island of Riches
They steer'd to catch hold on the Prey,
Though that Man was happy who had Coat or had Breeches,
To lay down for food in his way.
CXVIII.
Nothing Material through the Voyage fell out,
As they tempted the Winds and the seas;
But their Moveables went without scruple or doubt
For Provision's to Jack Portuguese.
CXIX.
And Patersons Maiden was first brought to bed
Of a Bastard, and afterwards Married,
As the Fruit of her Womb, more Luckyly Sped,
Than his Fruitless attempt that miscarried.
CXX.
At last the lean Fools had a sight of the Place,
Where they starv'd all in steering their Courses;
And resolving to Feast and fatten apace
Leap'd a shore all as Hungry as Horses,
CXXI.
When they look'd, and they look'd, till they look'd themselves blind,
For something to serve 'em for food,
But in vain, they could nothing like Eatables find
Unless they could Dine upon Wood.
CXXII.
The next peice of Wisdom was to Christen the Land,
But their Parson [...] had giv'n up the Ghost,
And 'twas allow'd of at every hand
It belong'd to grave Paterson's Post.
CXXIII.
Though the Saints were departed stood 'em in little stead
In things of advice and reproof,
But to Marry their Whores, and to Bury their Dead,
And that was Employment enough.
CXXIV.
Having giv'n it the Name of a Parent and Freind
They entrench'd it both Forepart and Back,
Which nothing but Scot would take care to defend,
And nothing but Scot would attack.
CXXV.
Where, after they'd tarried looking up to the Skies
To send 'em down Meat and Gold Rain,
And had wearied their hands and had tir'd out their Eyes,
In delving and searching for gain.
CXXVI.
Two Thirds being dead, and another made Slaves
By the Spaniard for fear of his Oar,
They left felling Trees and ceas'd digging Graves,
And cra [...]l [...]d to their Ships from the Shore.
CXVII.
The first Time a Scot ever wish'd himself home,
For want of good Air or of Bread,
And the last (if he's wise) that he from it will come
On such a Fool's Errand as Trade.
FINIS.