A CHARACTER OF FRANCE.

BEing to de­scribe this Large Con­tinent, I shall offer no Es­say either upon the mode of Christianity there, (leaving that to the Dictates of that [Page 2]Divinity implanted in the soule; and although not un­worthily thought it is much delapsed, yet De sacris nil nisi bonum) nor will I play with the Crowns and Repre­sentatives of God, nor their Will or Governments, al­though there might be found Gall enough for that subject; but I think it fit to begin with the common, but freest of the Elements, the Aire.

The Aire in generall is not so pure, but it may admit of priority, and that I may just­ly give to England; for the French enjoy it either scald­ing hot, or miserably cold; [Page 3]so that it cannot be denyed by any observant Traveller, but in a yeare, a miracle in Nature is produced, (the re­duction of the opposite Zones to Friendship in one Climate) our Snow that only mellowes the clod here, there devoures it; and with us, that Sun that would but warm and cherish here, there wasts and withers. Their soile (like their faces) can­not much boast of its charms every where; for as Bodin saith, Exploratum est, deserta & inculta loca, si aquis & viis adjungimus, duos Galliae trien­tes auferre: That is, the De­sarts, Waters and Wayes put [Page 4]together, take away the two thirds of France; which the tract between Burdeaux and Baijon, and the sterile pittifull places called The Land of Gascoigne, do to the neighbours (as their uncom­fortable lot) well ascertain. As for a Conclusion, the breathing of the Earth, the induct of the Aire, may be the purest, cleanest, and sub­tilest, if scabs, itch, punaries, and such like efflorescencies may be termed pure: The Country it self bearing a more then ordinary affinity and friendship to the Stocks and the Gallowes, Wine and Hemp being two of [Page 5]their best commodities.

The Creatures or Inhabi­tants, that daily draw their Vigor from these (much like the Earth or soile they Live on) either too neer to their Sun of Government, or Frozen to death by its Absence, the great ones frying in Luxury, the poor ones starving in penury, so that that which God onely inflicted as a Curse to A­dams seed, here it is made a plague to that Curse: The poor peasant shaving not that Comfort to eat that which was purchased by their sweat and labour, but at the time of its product, then are [Page 6] Marpyes and Vultures ready to snatch it from the Jawes of the almost starved La­bourer, and that perhaps to satiate the crazed Lust of some Libidinous Goat, so that which is counted a Mi­racle on Gods part, is here very Common to unbridle the rationall Soules, and turne them poor Asses into these shapes. So that hope, the turn-key of the Soul, the spur of high Actions is here so Languid that if a peasant can but by ambition gain the purchase of clean Canvase breeches for holy­daies, and his wife a Buck­ram Petticoate for Wakes [Page 7]and Sundays, these are like to wait upon them, like their good Genius, to the houre of their dissolution: And if well kept may be en­tailed to two or three gene­rations. As for their Liber­ties their feet enjoy, they cannot boast much of being called free, since if not by nature they are brought to hooves; yet they by their monstrous cloggs are neere resembled to them, if we survey the somewhat taller sort of them we shall find them generally to be a speaking fashion, such as have parted with their judgements for the situati­on [Page 8]of their clothes that have taken a great deal of paines to be ridiculous, there being such a confederacy, betwixt them and their modes to make them appeare pup­pyes, they share more of the semstresse then of the Tay­lor. Theire outsides half Lin­nen, so that there can scarce­ly a distinction be made be­twixt their uprising and walking abroad it being na­turall to them to Live more by their own heat then by the warmth of their clothes, which, is the reason, that there are so many foot-boys, as numerous as their beg­gars, which are so many and [Page 9]so impudent that in rideing they shall swarme about your horses like flies, and be more troublesome.

But to proceed and pro­secute their Court gallan­try, I confess they are more absolute; furnished with the Mode of Command and appeare to be Stars, (or ra­ther Meteors of the Court) yet with their Leaves try to cut them up and give a due estimate of them.

A french Gentleman of this equipage, is one that weighs no Action, but by his own standard: Admires nothing that is not admired by others in himself. He is [Page 10]wonderfully pleased when others vouchsafe him a Laugh or smile, though to abuse him: yet is his Con­ceit so high that he propo­seth in all Incounters a dis­daine suitable to his resent­ments, his motions so Ex­centricall and Irregular, and withall so suddaine, that if Pythagoras his opinion con­cerning transmigration be true, he may boast of an Extract from Ginny, though the Citizens of those woods are much to able and out­do him by a naturall in­stinct. Really you would think that nature had onely left him unfinished and pind [Page 11]on his Limbs till a further opportunity, they are so ver­satile and Loose, so resem­bled by his discourse that if he be wound up at the pe­riod, you shall not know whether it were discoursing, or scolding; And if a Rho­domontado of his valour, be not an Ingredient in this Chart, the composition is defaced utterly; and if you should observe their Garbs, Shrugs, Stops, Cringes, Actions; they much come near the Mode of a Mounte­bank or Jugler, and if you will but make search into his repository (his pocket) you will swear it; when you [Page 12]shall find a Miscellany of professions, as tooles for Bar­bers, Tooth-drawers, Surge­ons, Apothecarys, Taylors, what not? and it may be a bit in pickle for his lost ap­petite. But above all pro­perties this must not be for­gotten, he is a sworne ser­vant to Venus, that she ra­ther may be called the Gal­lick Goddess then the Cyprian Deity; nay they do so supe­rearrogate in this, that they turne one Sex into another and take pleasure of that which good old Nature made for a shame; And this Luxe of body is so really worshipped, that indeed they [Page 13]are high Zelots in the Im­ployment, that I believe three parts are clapt and marked with the brand of this Goddesse, so that it may be concluded that they cannot be so much in Love. Let the beauty be never so great, without a considerable summe of money be intro­duced to commit Matrimo­ny in their frolicks, they spare not the externall or­naments of their Madams, they cannot at such seasons weare a piece of ferret rib­bon but they will cut it to pieces, and swallow it in Urin to celebrate their bet­ter fortunes, being furnisht [Page 14]with such convenient bold­nesse to shew themselves expert draughts-men, rather then faile, with a piece of Charcoale they will draw all manner of baudy figures and that not in the Hiero­glyphick onely, but in the most demonstrative unhand­somenesse they can invent.

As for gameing (the true pimps of time and Luxury,) they are so inconsiderate of the approach of penury, that (as Mr. Howell reports, a Physitians Son (at his being there) played in one night away above sixty thousand Crownes: and one Jonas a keeper of one of these [Page 15]Game pits (in the suburbs of St. German,) some daies and nights had above a thousand in the Box; this may well justifie the Master of Spring-Garden for his [...]xorbitancy in getting. For Drinking (another Luxe) they are not so sober as they would invite us to think, but that plentifully they will Sacrifice to Bacchus: and when Venus hath worried them, Bacchus and Ceres must recrute them again. Heare what Ammianus Marcelli­nus saith they are, Vini avi­dum genus Affectans, ad vini simi litudinem multiplices po­tus; that is, they are a gene­ration [Page 16]greedy of Drink, and Lovers of severall compo­tations or draughts, witnesse Rablais and the young Lady (a moderne Author tells us of,) that when the fumes of the prceeding Compotation had sung her a Lullaby to Morpheus, a young Boare taking this offered opportu­nity, became picklock to her Cabinet and by this meanes or tenure in soccage was made a Gentleman.

I Confess it hath been Accounted a piacle in the Virgins to drink wine, yet I can assure you that intole­rable yoke is almost kickt off; for they dare dash their [Page 17]water with this Creature so strongly that often they dash the braines of that Ele­ment away and of their virginity too. But for their eating I cannot blame them, to blame our long fitting at Meales, since that shal do wrong to thē in their often Commessations; which is according to the French Custome, five times in one naturall day; so that it is a common saying in France, Come let us go to dinner quickly, that we may have time for a Collation in the the Afternoon, that we may go soon to supper, that after we may take a Nuncion, that [Page 18]going to bed betimes we may rise early to our break­fast: But besides these, when you find not their Chaps wagging, the bell may towl for their dissolution: And really you'l be mistaken if you think they trouble themselves much with Ma­stication or Grinding it, for they tumble it down whole and leave the effect to Gods providence and natures bounty, but as touching the more particular manage­ment of their diet for the ordering of the materials: They faile not to derive their subtilty from some of the hard put too't besieged [Page 19]Garrisons, they make a Lit­tle to go so far. Somethings they do which they would have seem wonderfull, for they are a people full of o­stentation, they pretend strangely to preposterous dishes and are admirable in frieing of frogs with parsley, &c. Which for the most part the men set forth the table with, the woman be­ing exempted as they are such Grobianaes of sluttish­nesse; they are admirable Alchymists for the paunch, they will extract Gold out of roots, Mushroomes or any thing they dresse, which as one writes, may rather be [Page 20]called a drinking then an eating meale, so that it may truly be said of them, that though they eat much they spend little having a trick beyond us Englishmen that they wil eat their very drink by morsels: They talk much of the Gusto, but you must not imagine their hodge-podge-pipkin dyet to be so wholesome for the body as abateing of the hard word, to be relishing for the pallat; for it may rightly be said of them that they trade more in sauce then in meat, their Cooks being much of Nebuchadnezars Employ­ment, though not of such [Page 21]Antiquity; for the most part, I cannot say simpling but constantly picking of Sal­lets.

As for their Cloathing the Camelion is not more colourable, the Are not more changeable the Wind not more unconstant, and so impatient of any thing that bears the impress of Anti­quity (Lord what becomes of old women!) that had not God given a sable night to give birth to a new day, I know not whether the most part had not had their dependence on the shade ere this, or else in a Melancholy Fit become Eunuches: their [Page 22]chiefest preludes to Court­ship being their Coverings, and those various.

Now I will give your eyes a treatment in the view­ing of their Courted Dei­ties (their Females,) much resembling the Aegyptian Numens both in colour and smalness; being bits of Na­tures bounty, and things as it were half beautified; Na­ture having crowded parts together, which by coaliti­on becomes a French Mada­moseile: For if you please to view them in all parts, you will find indeed a handsom medly, nature having been so curteous, as what wants in [Page 23]one part is fully made up in another: for as their wasts are very slender, they are seldome without a kennel in their Lapps, which may be mistaken for two or three little doggs, their shoulders are so fix'd, as you would deeme them the daughters of Atlas; yet not with so heavy a burthen, having light heads and light­er Fancies to ballance their bodies the better. Nature hath laid a thwacking foun­dation or Buttress to some parts, that she knew would be much used; witness their Posteriours, which are so goodly and ample, that they [Page 24]serve as a Bulwa [...]k to the other parts of the body; being (like their dirt in Pa­ris) too strong for a close siege; and what munition is there I suppose somtimes may be known to be whole Cannon.

Though their mouths are more than ordinary stretcht to the Appetite, yet are their eyes small enough, and in­deed horrible fierce and black; yet if stir'd, (as a lit­tle fire is quickly lighted) you shall find galliardy e­nough to cloy you all the year after.

Their hands I must needs allow a large share in the [Page 25]Charity of the Graces; and so might their faces have challenged a Throne in the Court of Venus, had not Na­ture forgot to scoure the earthly tincture off them; yet they seem to me a good piece of work unpollished, or a building not yet beauti­fied; so that there may be found a remedy for necessity, but none for rapture or charme: And certainly the French Ladies had no being, or were not famed when the Poets of old perceived such splendor and glories from the faces of their Devotors; for else it had been a Fiction (with a witness) to have at­tributed [Page 26]these to a subject not at all capable of the re­ception.

Their beams and rayes (I mean their hair) as the Po­ets luxuriously baptize them, are not, I protest, those bright beams that were of old so deified, nor those sun beams, those threds of gold, those golden nets, &c. if you please to allow these a resemblance, you may more justly call them beams of Erebus, rayes sent from Nox and Saturne, rather curld or wreathed clouds then glorious rayes; yet I must say this, had not good Nature alotted them [Page 27]this tincture (which is the only foyle to their russet fa­ces) I suppose a man might have endured their witch­craft without motion, except of stomack, yet nevertheless the most part of that Sex may justly claim a priviledge from honest Don Quixot (to be stiled Ladies of the ill-fa­voured faces) and had not the Countries heat put a forward salacity upon their Males, so that any meat will serve their greedy appetite, these poor souls might have as well expected Beauty as Courtship.

Their dispositions have much of vivacity, a Con­verse [Page 28]as free as the Air, and as universally courted, and so sweetly are they mem­bred with a tongue, that it may give a hint in finding the perpetual motion, friend­ly Nature having set it with so strong a spring, that after she hath wound it once up, it will keep its course to the tombe, if not afterwards; so that, I suppose, no Land doth so tyrannize, or put such in­cessant drudgery upon that member as the French, since though they have many ho­ly dayes to every petty Saint, yet this could never have the comfort to find any hour of rest: since these [Page 29]were none of Pythagoras his Schollars, to whom was commended this, digito compescere labellum, not to speak much till in the age of wisdom; nor did they ever sacrifice to Harprocrates their freedom and customary chat, being a strong enemy to this Deity and his follow­ers: I must give them this Eulogy, that they are no sul­len people, but free, open breasted, and take as much liberty to come so neer their primitive nakedness, that if it were not for the injuries of the Air, I dare affirm they would scorn these fig-leaves of garb to cover them; but [Page 30]as much as they can they set some upon the stall, hoping it may induce Passengers to think well of their Commo­dities within: yet I will as­sure you they are very coy of their lips: it may be this may be assigned as a reason, knowing that Nature by their curtayl'd stature hath made the backside too neer the market. And when I salute their cheek it shall be my honour to be contented, since really their breath is not the Quintessence of Ro­ses; neither is a salute by a kisse much amongst them, since they are so discreet as to keep at a distance that [Page 31]which is deservingly brand­ed with a Noli me Tangere; and further, if kisses be only Intentions, their quick active principals had rather sooner be at the work: But I shall leave with this Apology to those that are Stars amongst them, as deserving a more gallant character, both Gentlemen and Ladies, and those noble souls I blot out, and set them aside, this cha­racter, having as much ho­nour for desert as any Crea­ture living that pretends to serve them.

Their Cities are not to be hist at, neither shall I al­low them the bragging cha­racter [Page 32]that is given them, since if they had not fonldy bestowed all on Paris, and let the rest goe a begging, my Charity might have been greater; so that the French say, it is rather a World then a City; so it is indeed, a world of confusion, a world of dust, a world of Lacquies, a world of stink, and indeed a world of fooleries and vanities.

The City is large, yet if you look upon its stuffing you will find the brain is too large for the senses, so that the croud of people, their quick motion, their nasty de­port, their native dust, give such a welcome in a hot day [Page 33]to Travellers, that if their streets were not broad the Inhabitants would be stran­gled in their sleep for want of breath, it is so pester­ed with Inmates, having in one Tenement three or four Families.

Their Buildings are uni­form, yet poorly lined with­in, so that in a word you may call it a pile of Royal Almes­houses; indeed it is no won­der that they should brag so of the spaciousness of their houses, when the smalness of their Kitchins makes them the larger: one great incon­venience, you can never want winter or summer, dust or [Page 34]dirt, so that at all times of the year it hath a strong charm against Invasion, ex­cept you would invade the Plague, or the Cave of Charon.

As for their pieces of Architecture there is no such Grandeur, and if you should resemble them to Italy, you may find no comparison; large they are, but not so no­ble as is supposed; but if they were, they are like Sat­tin pinckt upon Canvas; but for their private Build­ings and Shops, a Pedlers Booth in England would shame the best of them; and a Pedler at a Mart with us, [Page 35]would make very well a French Merchant, so that a Friend of mine oretaking one of these Creatures ri­ding the Road, he complain­ing of the hardness of the times, he answered, I, quoth he, I wonder how the middle sort of people live, when such Merchants as I can scarce live; and you may believe him, if you knew his Carga in the Waggon, which was two or three do­zen of Spanish brooms: Of such as these Bragadochia's is Paris filled and cloyed; this may be truly said of them, that their basest trades have sooner arrived to great [Page 36]riches then those that are amongst them noted of an­cient Nobility, and live ac­cording to the dignity of their births; and for their way of dealing, as to the sub­tilty of their Trade, they are seldome deceived, for they trust no body, and if any bo­dy trust them, they had as good burn the bill of their particulars, if they are not under lock and key, or can but find out any evasion to shift themselves; they may brag of their merchandises with other Nations, but the most staple Commodities they have received hath been from England, for [Page 37]which for the most part they have exchanged no other then fantastical fashions, toyes, and kickshaws to put off, which till they can make good their importunities they will wrack those they traffick with to their own conditions, with their forced faces, shrugs, and cringes in their Inns and Hosteries; they for the most part give their servants no wages, but beg themselves so fervently for them, that the discerning Traveller cannot but scruple whether they or their ser­vants are most fellow-feel­ers of the extent of his li­berality, for which only rea­son [Page 38]he must endure the im­pertinencie of their unne­cessary attendance, for their general entertainments; they are trunk-hosed, bom­basted with the mode, and nothing else, they distinguish them according to their usu­all custom; as they allow of their grapes in their Vine­yards, a Passenger may tast to quench his thirst, but he that tarries above their stint­ed humor mistakes him­self; their cushions he will find them to be quick-set hedges of no continuance; there is no Nation that takes more freedom for gibeing and provoking of [Page 39]strangers, for they are gene­rally rash, and want nothing of the wildness of behavi­our, when their passions are thus desperately set on their angers have no eyes; to complement them at that time is to set a train to gun­powder, they will so clatter with their discourse, except they are in their more aiery genius of continual singing of bawdy and drunken songs, when it will be a wise­mans task to distinguish be­twixt their extravagant meeter and galloping prose; as for their Policy, Govern­ment, King, Nobles, their Treaties with us, Inter-mar­riages, [Page 40]their Massacres, sale of Promotions and Judica­tories, and other things of this nature; other men with a larger pen having exprest them excellently well, I shall manum a Tabulâ, and for this I have done I expect no re­ward, nor fear any envy, only ‘Sat est tentasse—’

Yet to sweeten my Ge­nius fit for my dear native Country I shall conclude all with this undoubted Eulo­gy or Character of Eng­land, which a Greek Poet hath drawn to the life. [Page 41]

And what Eumines saith;

O most fortunate Brit­tain, more blessed then any [Page 42]other Country, which first didst see Constantine, Nature hath lavishly endowed thee with all decorements of Heaven and Earth; in thee neither the excessive cold of winter, or scorching heat of Summer doth mo­lest the Inhabitants, thou swellest with such a plenty of all kind of Corn, that thou mayest be called the Darling of Ceres and Bac­chus; thy Groves are with­out salvage rapacious Crea­tures, and thy Grasse with­out poysonous Serpents; thy fields are covered with innumerable heads of Cat­tell tame and wild, their [Page 43]dugs extended with milk and their backs with fleece, both rich and thick; for the pleasure of life, thy dayes are long, and no night but hath some glimpse of light; the glo­rious Sun that sets and goes down in other Coun­tries, seems only to passe by thy Coasts.

Nature as her Darling hath imbraced thee with a rich and large Moat, in­tending still as she made, to lay up her principals and originals in this her Ca­binet.

Their Faces they have like Angels, Wits like [Page 44]Muses, Charmes like Graces, cast in a mould between the earthly Spa­niard and trifling French; A martial, noble, and hospi­table people; I must end with this Distick:

I have not bestowed so much gall on this Chara­cter, as I know a modest Reply is more desired, in which, as my fancie hath its traverses, there are seve­rall reflections from my [Page 45]Answer which more inlarge this Character; if I have not had salt enough in it tis out of a civility that this im­pertinent Mounsieur never merited.

Gallus Castratus, &c.

TO make a Hue and Cry, or research af­ter this Saty­rist, were to enquire after yesterdayes Air, or the last evenings Sun; since the perpetrating a sin against Charity and divine Beauty, hath occasioned him to conceal his unworthy [Page 2]name; yet by your permis­sion (fair Ladies) I shall ad­venture a throw after him, so as to bestow on him a Character not unworthy of his fact.

He may be thought one of the dislodged brood of wandering Cain, who having sinn'd in good, sets his hand against all for bad; such as these are true sons of the Curse, they bring brambles for violets, and thorns for Roses; desperate persons to converse with, as infecti­ous in their souls as in their limbs; a Traveller, that makes it his business to de­face the glories of Nature, [Page 3]not to admire and adore them; a frothy Wit, not consenting to its captivity, hath in his Caprichios snort­ed his foam upon the sweet face of this blessed Island; the method he pretends too, for he hath none, was sure begot in a Hirricano, where being frighted by his consci­ence, he thrusts things toge­ther Al 'a Negligen'ce; A brat only born to die accur­sed, and to shew to the world that France hath of late her Monsters as well as A­frica.

His end I cannot remark, except like Erostratus to purchase a fame, though by [Page 4]the vilest infamy, or to en­gage a smile from those (Ban­dittors to Nature) the rude off-spring of a Brothel or a dunghil: a Monster fitting to rove after its Sire, rather then find a Mecaenas in any serious Family; so unfit to bear the name of a Chara­cter, that it may well be sti­led the Leprosie of France cast upon England: But by this time (Ladies) I suppose you have enough of this un­maskt Gentleman; now to the work it self.

And first he apologizeth for his rudeness by the com­mands of a Person (once a Devoto to the Charmes of [Page 5] England) a Person of quali­ty (a Lord) but if his Qua­lities answered his Dignity, surely his Lordship hath re­pented him of his com­mands.

He declares he had licence only for (Minute things:) His Honour thought great ones too much beyond the sphear of his Activity and Cognizance: but to parti­cularize his aspersions, which I shall civilly name his complaints,