A BVL from Rome. Consisting of 15. Pardons for Delinquents in these Kingdomes.
HEE that hath Eares to heare, let him heare: for loe, I grant most powerfull Pardons to all sort of Nations, Religions, and Callings: Protestants, or Papists, Puritanes or Atheists, all shall be accepted for ready money. And to shew that I am not minded to poyson any of you; therefore, here I shall I take a large taste my selfe of such purgatory stuffe, as I am to deliver unto every one of you: & so (in conceit) swallow over mine own pardon, which I brought with me in a boxe from Rome. To wit, although I begui [...]ed the Pope, and brought with me to Rome a Rake, instead of a shovell: yet my pardon is granted, in hope of the benefite which they (doubtsomly) deeme to reape by me hereafter. Now come apace, both papist, puritane, and Atheist, young and old, whatsoever, come with courage, for I refuse no sort of money: and you shall understand, that these my pardons are not altogether popish: for the Pope granteth pardons to none except the money be presently laid down: but as for my selfe, I will trust any one a pardon as long time as he will grant to hold his finger in the fire. Yea, I will be kinder yet: whosoever hath no mony to buy his pardon I will freely give it him for his coat.
1. I must of force grant pardons unto all those men who have wicked wives, yea, without rehearsing their faults whatsoever. And more then that, suppose I should never looke the Pope in the face again, yet I absolutely absolve the aforesaid persons from any other purgatory than that which they suffer here in the company of an ill wife.
2. Let Demas also come, and receive his pardon for two pence; for although he thought to win a world of Goods by preaching the Gospell, [Page] [...] [Page] [...] [Page] and when he saw that riches followed not, then he left off: yet I had rather have his two pence in this world, than hereafter to want both man and money also.
3. Although Godfridus, Emperour of Rome when he had most manfully fought the battell of the Romans, against the Arabians, would not suffer the Romanes to set a single Crown of gold upon his head: saying, That Christ, his Saviour had worne an ignominious, and sharpe Crowne of Thornes; therefore he would never weare a glorious and easie Crowne on Earth: Yet I dare and doe take upon me, to pardon the Pope himselfe, who weareth, at his pleasure, a threefo [...]d Crowne: signifying the three heads of Cerberus, the Dog of Hell.
4. Our Scottish and English Captaines of warre shall be neverthelesse pardoned for money, although some of them have made 8. dayes in the week, to their souldiers yea, and other some 9. whereas God himselfe hath ordained onely 7. dayes in the week, of the which we are not onely allowed, but also commanded, to work and travell 6. and to rest on the 7. day, because the Lord hath so sanctifyed it unto Himselfe.
5. I grant a Pardon un [...]o a certaine Printer, who printed Cakolicks for Catholicks; for we that are pennilesse poets in England, are now and then beholden to the Printers, by reason of our Dedications, saith Mr. Greene.
6. As for our women now adaye; who cover themselves, both head and face as well in Church, as in Market, with their Countryes kind of vailes, with great reason I grant them pardons, and shall here in few words, tell you my reason why; and together, confute, confound, and put to silence, all such as hitherto have dared to raile against them in that behalfe.
A Popish Relation.
VVHen Christ walked on earth with his Disciples, Peter, Iohn, Iames, & the rest they passing by a little Village (say they) they heard two women, as they thought, scolding together at the speed, with many faire Curses, Malisons & vengeances. So that Christ said to Peter, Goe thou to yonder couple, while I tarry here, and exhort them in my name, to leave flyting, banning, and swearing.
Now mine Author saith, that it was the Divell and a woman fliting together, to exercise themselves, even because she had hired him [Page] to teach her to out-scold all her Neighbors. But when Peter came and preached unto them, they defyed him, & spat upon him: so that Peter being wrathfull, drew his sword, and cut off both their heads, & went and told his Master what had hapned. Whereat Christ being offended, said unto Peter, thou hast done wickedly to slay those poore Creatures in their sinnes: therefore goe thou back unto them, and I will give thee power and commandement, to set their heads on againe, that they may repent, and be saved.
Then Peter running in his hasty anger, tooke up the womans head and set it upon the Divell, and set the Divels head upon the woman: and, as I thinke, there it remaineth yet; for surely it must needs be a Divels head, which hath such an evill tongue within it, as surpasseth the Stings of Asps and Adders: yea, curseth all her kindred, and banisheth her husband the Countrey. Then with what reason can you blame our women to cover such heads as those? You know, that who so hath but the least blemish or Scar of a Wen, Mole, or Wart, will strive to hide it. And thinke ye it then unlalwfull for a woman to hide that ugly Blemish, even Satans head, standing upon the shoulders of our dainty Dames, as well as upon our grosse Kichin-stuffe, and upon tripping minsing Mistresse, as well as upon Meg with the Mealie mouth? I deny not indeed, but that it was a custome in the Old Testament, for the Whores to cover themselves with Vailes, sitting by the High-wayes, that thereby they might be knowne to be of that light Occupation. But this was far from any custome of honest Women, howsoever both Ginny and my Lady are now alike muzzeled about their snouts, so that even honesty it selfe cryeth, Fye for shame, upon them. Yet, I say they shall be pardoned for the causes before mentioned. And because it is said, that this whorish sort of covered heads and faces, is most usuall in our Brittanian North, therefore I begin first to prepare your Pardons, wishing you also to prepare mony, for indeed yours is a cold Soyle, and who dare forbid you therefore to be covered? A certaine English-man saith, that Pope Ioanna had certainly the Divels head on her shoulders, and that all the Popes ever since have bin of her brood, even because (saith he) they were all womanly and divellish.
7. Panlickers are those who are Flatterers, of Kings, Princes, and other great Personages: and Pen-lickers are those whom we call Scribes (forsooth) and notorious, both these shall be pardoned.
[Page] 8. It is reported unto me, that a certaine Lords bastard sonne, begot a bastard with another Ladies bastard daughter: surely this must needs in time bring forth a bastardly Generation. Not the lesse, I pardon them all for money & beseech them not onely to read, but also earnestly to weigh these few words of the spirit, those children which are begotten in whoredome, shall be the very witnesses of the wickednesse of their parents. The 4. Chap. of the Books of Wisdome; ver. 6.
9. The Corn-mongers, and Fore-stallers of the Markets, must not here be neglected: but yet I bid them take heed, that they follow not the example of their Fore-fathers too much: whereof some have hanged themselves, some drowned themselves, & other some cut their owne throats. Amongst whom, I must needs here tell you of one, who having abundance of Corne and Meale, even in the time of extreame Dearth, yea, and of Famine saith mine Author, yet still and still kept up his victuals, in hope that the prices would grow higher, and higher yet. But, as God would, the prices came downe, and the Corn grew so cheap, that this jolly Marchant went to buy a roap to hang himfelfe: but comming to the Roapers shop, his greedy stomack would but serve him to give a groat for a Roape, whereas the Roaper would not sell it under 6 pence: so that he thought in himselfe, that in a short time the prices of roaps would come downe, as the corne had done, so that he hoped to buy a sixpeny rope for twopence, and then to hang himselfe good cheape.
10 Let the point-makers, and Button-makers, then draw neare, and receive their conjunct pardon, not each for two pence, but the one for as many points, as will goe round about the knees of my breeches in pompe, and the other as many buttons; for though I need them not now, yet J know not how soone.
11. And of force I must also pardon the pretty Pin-maker, & that for a paper of pins to my wife: alwayes, I pray thee beware, that they be good indeed with faire heads, and fast set on: or else; I assure thee, she will not sticke to curse both thee, who made them, and mee who brought her them.
12. The Needle-makers may boldly come for their pardons, because they are not onely profitable for our wellbeloved Taylors, but also for good huswifes, at home, souldiers abroad, and Beggars every where.
13. Bu [...] with the best will of all, I freely allow my best Pardons upon those of the Gentle Craft, and all others also who are any wayes [Page] appendicles, or subordinaries to that Calling: to wit, all those that make Awles, Pantoffle-heeles, threed of Hempe, pegs of Wood, Lasts for shooes and bootes, and all other such ingenious instruments, for so high a Science.
And therefore I charge, and command even in th [...] name, and full authority of the Pope himselfe, & that under the paine of his Holinesse high displeasure, and to be holden as an heretieke, and sent to purgatory for five thousand yeares; that neither Printer nor Poet, after the date hereof dare to take in hand to speake any wayes inv [...]ctively against them, either in their Bookes, Ball [...]ts, or other Libels: no, not so much as once to name them by the name of Souter, nor yet to dare rehearse those fearefull Battels fought in Hell, betwixt the Taylors and them, striving who should be greatest there; except indeed the Printer or Poet, first bring the Divels hand-writing, in true Tes [...]fication that the Souters have the victory: & then let them procced in thetr due praise, to the name of all Romish Taylors.
14. Here now I grant a pardon to a loving woman, who gave a discreet answer, when she was asked if her husband was hang'd, saying:
15. Now at the last, I must also give a pardon to an holy Priest, who was clowting of his shooes when his Neighbors called upon him, to goe quickly (before another came) and win money, to bring a dead Corps to the grave: and he being in such haste, could not find his knife to cut away the Lingell, but let it traile after him to the church, and sung this holy Quire-song the space of a mile, betwixt the house and the grave, with many repetitions, as followeth:
A Tale of the Popes Consecration.
MOST of all to be accounted, is that holy and miraculous Stoole at Rome, saith one, wherewith they chuse the Pope, and prove him to be a Man, not a Woman; for he that is chosen to be Pope, on the day of election, is set in this stoole, and a Cardinall standing on either side, they strip up their sleeves, and with their naked hands and armes, feele from under the stoole, whether it be a Man or a Woman, and so give Declaration unto the whole rabble there conveened,
And this hath bin their Custome ever since the English-woman beguiled them, who was their Pope, about the space of 3 yeares, even Successor to Leo the 4. Anno 852.