The reasons of Mr. Bays changing his religion considered in a dialogue between Crites, Eugenius, and Mr. Bays.

The reasons of Mr. Bays changing his religion considered in a dialogue between Crites, Eugenius, and Mr. Bays.

Table of contents

Title page

The Preface.

St. IAMES's PARK.

[Page]

St. IAMES's PARK.

Crites, Eugenius, and Mr. Bays.

Crites.

MR. Bays, Mr. Bays, prethee why in such haste man? Have you forgot your old acquaintance, that you pass by 'em without taking the least notice of them.

Bays.

Your pardon Gentlemen, I protest I did not see you; it is at least some twenty years ago (as I remember) since we had our last long discourse concerning Drammatick Poetry upon the Thames— But Gentlemen, I am at present engaged elsewhere, you see my Rosary and Beads, and may guess for what place I am bound.

Eugenius.

Prithee, dear Bays, adjourn this fit of Devotion to some more convenient time, and let us take one Edifying Glass at the Rhenish-house, yonder by Charing-Cross.

Bays.

As for the Tavern, I desire to be excused, I seldom appear at such unsanctify'd places; you might as soon Cajole the Plain-dealer into Westminster-hall, a Fanatick into a Play-house, or an Usurer into a Suretiship, as perswade me into a Tavern. Alas! I am not the man you took me for; upon my Sincerity Mr. Eugenius, I have not tasted a drop of Claret these two years, but what I have met among Innocent Strawberries, or in a Sawce, or so.

Crites.

This renouncing of your Wine, Friend Bays, is a greater wonder to me, than the renouncing of your Religion; and I can scare fancy thee to be the same person thou wast formerly.

Bays.

Why, truly Gentlemen, I dare not say of my self, that I am the same individual-man I was some years ago; for let me tell you, Matter is in a perpetual Flux, and the whole Mass both of Accidents and Substance are thrust away by the continual Succession of new ones. Now, as I have not one drop of the same Blood, nor one Particle of the same Clay about me which I had then, so I thank my Stars, I have not the least Tincture of that Religion left behind, which engaged my former state of Ignorance; that state I mean, which I may more properly call the Ded. Epist. before Limberham. Parenthesis of my Life, than that wherein I was not acquainted with the Noble Lord to whom I dedicated my Limberham.

Crites.

Faith, little Bays, I am so much of thy Opinion, as to believe that after so many changes thou hast as well shifted the [Page] Christian as the man; and I am perswaded, we shall have more Religions contend for thee, after thou art dead and rotten, than Citys strove for the birth of a certain person of your own profession; from whose Achilles, you'd needs perswade the World that you copy'd the fierce Almanzor. I am told, your friends of Dukes Place, expect the next change you make should be to their Party, which I suppose may be the more easily effected, unless you are bribed beforehand by a Chiaux with the government of a Turkish Hospital, because two of their best Kings, and most of their Prophets were Poetically given; and I see no reason, Mr. Bays, after you have traded somewhat longer in Parable, and Allegory, but that you may step in among their Minor Prophets.

Bays.

O Sir, your Servant; But I'll allow men of your Perswasion to be Scurrillous, 'tis the distinguishing Character of your Church; and I expect e're long, your Bear-garden, and Bartholomew-Fair Men, will arrive to such a pitch of Brutality and Irreligion, as to discuss their Assemblies with an Ite Missa est.

Eugen.

But why all this ado about Religion, Mr. Bays? Why cannot we quit this Subject, to make way for more Diverting Conversation? Come Sir, I'll show you some words which were made by a friend of mine, upon that dismal noise and hurry we have lately had among the Traders in Controversie, if you'll vouchsafe them the hearing.

Bays.

With all my heart Sir, provided there are no touches upon the Government, no subtle Insinuations, no —

Eugen.

Not so much as one single Reflection Mr. Bays.

Let the Motly dull Herd for Religion engage,

Let them urge the Dispute with Clamor and Rage;

Let your Authors keep on the vain method of writing,

And set (if they can) both your partys a fighting:

We ne're make replys, but are fully contented,

Tho good Fellows and Drink have been misrepresented.

Let their musty grave Volumes to Thames-street adjourn,

Or rot in Duck-lane, or in Coffee-house burn:

Let the Monarch of France keep his Subjects at home,

And forbid the Mad Zealots abroad for to roam,

So he lets his boon Claret but cross the kind Main,

We shall never be angry; we shall never complain.

What do you say to these lines now Mr. Bays?

Bays.

The last turn there upon the French Protestants, is well enough rally'd, but the rest is exceeding profane: And pray good Mr. Eugenius, will you advise your Friend from me, to employ his Talent to a better use, and squander no more of it in Sonnet. You cannot imagine what a Mortification it is for a noble Author, who has, at the great expence of [Page] his fancy, writ something which is vigorous and fine, to have his Song tagg'd with half a dozen gouty Stanza's, by a Grub-street-hand, then advanced into a Ballad; and last of all, plaister'd up in a Country Ale-house, to confront the five Senses, and the four Seasons of the year.

Eugen.

Indeed Mr. Bays, this is very hard usage as I take it.

Bays.

You may believe me Sir, 'tis one of the greatest afflictions in the World, for I have had most of my best words so served; and therefore if your friend finds him inclined to write, there are several places of Casimire, Urban, and Scribonius, that deserve his consideration. Oh! there's an Epigram in Scribonius, which I could repeat forty times a day, and never be weary on't; the subject so divine, the language so excellent, the thought so noble,

Lac Matris miscere volo cum Sanguine Nati,

Non possum antidoto nobiliore frui.

I'll give you a Copy of it Mr. Eugenius, if you'll promise me to use your interest among any of your acquaintance to get it Translated.

Eugen.

I'll see Mr. Bays what may be done, though I fear I shall not succeed. But prithee, once more, Dear Rogne, let me ask thee what news about the Town? What Plays? What Lampoons? What Operas? What Sonnets?

Bays.

Troth Sir I can't tell, for of late I have not herded with those Graceless Rake-hells the Poets of the Town: and as for the Gazette, I consult it as seldom as a Quaker does the Concordance, or a Physician the Bible.— But because I see by my Watch I have half an hour good, if you please, Gentlemen, to take a turn or two in these Walks, I will for our old acquaintance sake, impart a secret to you, which give me leave to tell you, is the most astonishing, the most surprizing, the most uncommon; and if you make a right use of it, the most useful secret in the Universe.

Crites.

Dear Bays, thou art always so obliging.

Bays.

Hold—Are the Walks clear? So— Why then, Gentlemen, to my certain knowledge, the Conflagration is at hand: and 'tis as impossible for the World to continue above ten years, as 'tis for a Town-Debauch to live as long as one of the Patriarchs before the Flood.

Crites.

Faith Mr. Bays, this, as you say, is the most surprizing secret imaginable. And now to return you one secret for another, I believe if this secret were communicated to the World, it would ruine the Ensuring Office, to all intents and purposes: For who the Devil wou'd give Money to have his Houses Ensured, and the Uuiversal Burnfire so nigh? But prithee, little Bays, tell me how you came by this Secret?

Bays.

After the most strange, unconceiveable manner in the whole World. The Story is somewhat of the longest, and therefore, Gentlemen, if you have any occasions to call you aside, at present, I'd defer it till some more agreeable opportunity.

Crites.

Oh by no means, Sir; we have no business at this time to divert [Page] us, or if we had Mr. Bays, we would freely sacrifice it, tho it were a Female assignation, to have the honour of your company.

Bays.

Sir, you perfectly overwhelm your humble Servant with kindness. But to proceed to the Relation—You are to understand that in the year 1685. some three weeks before my Conversion—

Crites.

Hold Mr. Bays, were you no Christian at all before that time? What had become of your immaterial part, if you had dropt off before this late Conversion?

Bays.

Lost assuredly, and in as wretched a condition as the poor Gentleman that wou'd have begged a little Small-beer of Abraham.

Crites.

Why then, I find Mr. Bays, you have more Charity for the Heathens than most of your fellow Christians; for in a certain piece of yours, which shall be nameless, but may easily be known by a remarkable passage in the Preface, that says, you believe a Popish Plot: in this piece of yours, I say, you make no question at all of a Heathens Salvation, provided he live but up to the Principles of Nature.

Bays.

So I say still; but where did you ever find a Protestant, or a Mahometan, live up to the sober Principles of Nature?

The Iolly Luther, reading him, began

To Interpret Scripture by the Alcoran.

But all this while we are beside our Story—and therefore, to begin it again, you must know that at the time above-mention'd, it was my fortune to go down the River as far as Greenwich, with some honest Irish Gentlemen of my acquaintance.

Crites.

Under favour Mr. Bays, how durst you hazard your self among any of that Nation, since you had put so gross an affront upon them, in a certain Oxford Prologue?

First part of the Miscell.

Rogues, that like Cain, are branded with Disgrace,

And wear the Country Stamp'd upon their Face.

Truly, Sir, if I had said half so much of the Dear Ioys as this amounts to, I should have been as loath to have trusted my self in Irish Company, as I should be now to trust my only Bottle of Vsquebah with an Irish Servant.

Bays.

Trust my self, quoth a! I perceive Mr. Eugenius, your friend Crites, is very ignorant in these affairs. Why, Lord Sir! No man that is acquainted with me, thinks the better of himself for my commending him, nor ought, I'm sure, to think himself a farthing the worse for my Lampooning him: Did you think I could have flatter'd so many quibbling, overgrown Lords, as I have done in my time, or have Libell'd so many honourable Persons of both Sexes, from whom I never received the least disobligement: And mean all really? No, no— When I commend any body, it is either a little foolish Interest, or the gayety of my Humour, that inclines me to it: And when I touch upon the Coast of Satyr, 'tis not, I vow to Gad, out of any Malice (for a true Poet, like a true Jilt, is neither acted by real love, nor real anger) but only, as they say, Dr. Busby [Page] sometimes whips his Boys at Westminster, for my Health Mr. Crites, and the purging of Choler.

Crites.

I find then Mr. Bays, the passing of an Illnatured Jest upon a man, is much like the passing away a bad Half-crown at a Tavern; you don't do it out of any particular spleen to the House, but only to shut your hands of a cumbersome piece. But, pray did not you mean really when you made that noble Panegyrick to Oliver Cromwel?

Bays.

Not I, I protest to you Sir, 'twas my own advantage I consider'd, and not any kindness to the person which inflamed me; for you must note, 'tis much the same case with us Poets, as 'tis with the Iews, no sooner can a Heroe start up in any part of the World (let his quarrel be right or wrong) but both of us are apt to think him the Messias, and presently pitch upon him as the fittest person to deliver the Twelve Tribes, and the Nine Muses out of Captivity.

Crites.

Then let me tell you, the Usurper was the less beholding to you▪ but methinks whatever your sentiments were of the man, you had a great kindness for your Subject: You spoke as many lofty things concerning it, as any occasion you ever handled in your life.

Bays.

That may be. But always observe this as an infallible rule, from your friend Bays! If you write Panegyric, tho you have done your utmost, and said ten times more than the person deserves, be sure to tell him that you have not passed through half the inventory of his Vertues, and wanted a Genius to manage so extraordinary an affair to any advantage. But if you Lampoon any party, forget not to make them sensible of the civil usage they have received from your hands; as your City Tradesmen, when they have exacted double the price of any commodity, stick not to tell you they have used you kindly: And though your stock is all exhausted, and you cou'd not say one malicious word more to save your life, yet pretend that you cou'd go ten mile further, if you pleas'd to continue in that surly humour.

Eugen.

I perceive Mr. Bays, you have often made use of this expedient.

Bays.

Very often Sir, but to avoid prolixity I'll only produce you two instances of it at present.

They may think themselves to be too roughly handled in this paper, but I who know best how far I could have gone on this Subject, Religio La [...] the Pref. must be bold to tell them they are spared.

They who can Criticize so weakly, as to imagine that I have done my worst, Pref. to Absol. may be convinced at their own cost, that I can write severely, with more ease than I can gently.

And I find this conduct is extreamly serviceable to a man when all his quiver is spent; for the party concerned must needs find themselves indebted to the person, who so generously spares them, when they lye all at his mercy: And as for the unconcerned part of Mankind, at the same time they applaud your generosity, for giving off when you might have utterly confounded your Enemys with the other blow; so they must certainly [Page] admire the inexhaustible store of your wit, that can advance forward, and still urge something that is new.

Eugen.

But pray, Mr. Bays, suppose the world should not believe a man that tells such and such things of himself, where lyes the jest then?

Bays.

Why then, I tell you Sir, that the world would be very uncivil I▪gad, and all that; if the World should offer to question the Sincerity of an Author who makes so open and so free a discovery of his own abilities. For between our selves, Gentlemen, I think an Authors bare word in his Preface, as Sacred as a Peers attestation upon his honour, and ought no more to be disputed than the Traditions of the Church, or the Priviledges of Parliament.

Eugen.

And to my certain knowledge Mr. Bays, both those things are more subject to be disputed and examined, than any two things in the Universe.

Bays.

Ay, and so have Prefaces too been examined by your peevish, ill-humour'd, Tobacco-taking Criticks, whose censures I mind no more [...]gad, than a Bully of the Town minds the swearing forfeits in a Fanatick Ordinary. But this signifies nothing as long as the greater part of Mankind make no enquiry into the matter, but swallow it by Whole-sale: And surely Sir, you may rely upon my Opinion in this affair; I that have Blasphem'd the Gods, Huss'd Kings, libell'd Princes, laughed at all Religions, scandalized City and Court; and in my anger spared no Sex, no Country, no Age, nor Order, nor Degree; but I'Gad thrown my Bombs promiscuously at all.

Crites.

How escaped you a hanging Mr. Bays, you that have been so universal an Aggressor? Methinks the least that could be done to you, had been to have sent you a grazing to Malmsbury Common, among some of Mr. Hobbs's well-bred Citizens.

Bays.

A little private discipline I have met with I must confess; an Almanac or so beaten into my Bones, but that's nothing at all to a man of a true passive constitution. But, as I told you before, no man of tollerable sense thinks either the worse of me or of himself, for having his name exposed in any of my Satyrs; and that's the reason why so few people give themselves the unnecessary trouble to batter my Tabernacle. I bless my Genius for it, Mr. Crites, I have not that respect for any person breathing, as to lose a good thought for his sake; and I have almost as strong inclinations to suffer Martyrdom for my Wit as for my Religion: 'Tis the love to the jest, not any private picque to the man, that sets me upon such hazardous undertakings, as Prentices on a Shrove-Tuesday, use to demolish Bawdy-houses, tho they have not the least disrespect to those noble places of pleasure and convenience. I have insisted upon this point the more largely, because I wou'd once for all, undeceive the world as to this particular; and let them know, that a man may possibly lash three parts of the Creation with his Pen, who at the same time has not the least grudge or quarrel to any individual person thereof.— And now worthy Gentlemen, if you please to afford me the hearing, I will recount my triumphs [Page] to you, which are as large as the Universe, and as extensive as Mankind. I survey my Victories with a Savage joy, and in the greatness of my imagination, despise all the Caesars and Alexanders.

Eugen.

What Enthusiastical hint has seized thee now little Bays, I profess I understand thee no more than a Fifth-Monarchy Comment upon the Revelations.

Bays.

Understand me! no: How the Devil shou'd you understand me! Now I speak in my Son Almanzors blustering vein. But Gentlemen, to deliver my self in a style which is a little more familiar to your apprehensions, I design to run through the circle of my Conquests, and name you the Nations I have triumph'd over, and all the degrees of Mankind, I have assaulted.

Crites.

With what'l prethee Mr. Bays?

Bays.

With my Wit Man: It could never enter into the Sphere of your imagination sure, to suppose a Poet could conquer whole Kingdoms with his Sword.

Crites.

No I can assure you Mr. Bays, for I ever thought a Poet as unfit and unlikely a man to subdue Kingdoms with his Sword, as Convert Kingdoms with his Arguments. But let me request you then to begin with your Nations, for I long as much to be made acquainted with your Victories, as a fumbling Alderman does to hear the happy news that he has got an Heir apparent to his Law-band and Satten-doublet.

Eugen.

Tho you cannot say Mr. Bays with the Heroe in Shakespear, that the World's your Oyster, aud you have opened it with your Sword; yet you may safely say the World's your Sheet of Paper, and you have blotted it with your Ink.

Bays.

You are much in the right on't Sir. Now the first Country I pitch upon shall be Holland, and I think in one Distich I have done the States more Injury, than the French King did them in 71 with all his Bombs and Granadoes; but pray mind them Gentlemen.

Prol. to the Spanish Fryar.

They Cheat, but still from Cheating Sires they come,

They Drink, but they were Christen'd first in Mum.

Here I'm sure the whole Common-wealth is concern'd one way or another; their Merchants, Burgomasters, and in effect, all the trading part of the Republick are arraign'd for Cheating their Seamen; professors of all Sciences, and Divines are likewise reflected upon for Drinking. Don't you think now friend Crites, but that half the Min-heers will be ready to hang themselves in the very reading of this?

Crites.

No indeed Mr. Bays, if it be true what you have remark'd before, that no man of tolerable sense would show himself concerned at any of your Libels.

Bays.

That's true; no man of sense I grant, wou'd hang himself for the matter, but surely you'll allow me that a man of little or no sense may do such a thing; and if so, what person fitter than a Dutchman. I'll tell you Gentlemen, a Dutchmans Soul circulates no more than the Butter-milk he has in his Veins, but Stagnates like nasty Water in a Kennel: He's made [Page] of Mud, and not of Clay; and consequently in my poor Opinion, has no title to any of those promises that were made to the Sons of Adam.

Crites.

Pray Mr. Bays, why so severe upon this industrious Nation? Methinks at this time of day they deserve some little favour at your hands, if it were only for their indulgence to all perswasions, and leaving every man to the free disposal, and soveraignty over his own Conscience.

Bays.

That circumstauce as you observe Mr. Crites, does somewhat atone for their other sins; but for all that, I cannot heartily forgive them, for like a Phlegmatick, Sun-begotten Tribe as they are, they have not had the grace to produce one Poet, either since their first Rebellion, when they excluded the Sea from his Hereditary Provinces; or since their latter defection, when they pass'd the same Bill of Exclusion upon the Spaniards. So much for the Butter-boxes—and now at the Messieurs, and of them I have said so many tart bitter things, that I gad, I cannot tell which to chuse at present.

Eugen.

And to the best of my remembrance Mr. Bays, you have spoke abundance of fine complaisant things in praise of those Airy Gentlemen. You have commended their Language, the freedom of their Conversation, the gallantry of their Amours, their Civility, their Wit—

Bays.

Oh Sir, there was a great deal of reason for it; for much about that time, Mr. Eugenius, a certain Staffordshire Gentleman was pleased to Dedicate to me a very Ingenious Mr. Blunts Religio Laici. Book, I vow to Gad, in which Dedication, after several other Complements, he tells me that Monsieur Rapin, one of the greatest Criticks of this Age, had studied English on purpose to learn my Poems: Now this I thought was such a particular condescension, such an extraordinary sign of respect shown to me and my works, that I found my self obliged in Conscience to speak all the tender pretty things I cou'd in behalf of the French Nation. But when, after a long run, I was given to understand that it was only a complement of my Friend, and that Monsieur Rapin was not furnished with English enough to qualifie him for a City-Intelligencers Secretary, or an Accomptant to a Mackarel-boat, I presently reassum'd my old temper, and gave the Messieurs no quarter at all, as may appear by a thousand passages since, too numerous to be cited at present: Nay, to pursue my malice to the utmost extremity, I prevailed with my acquaintance at this end of the Town to wear Shoulder-knots no longer, to discard the janty Cravat-string, and the ceremonious Muff, and what was the hardest case of all, I absolutely refus'd to naturalize one word that was of French extraction for the space of two years. The next that comes upon the Stage is the melancholly Spaniard, with a stride and a stand, like a Peacock in a backside; and the truth on't is, tho I ought to have shown him some civility for that divine, that immortal invention of making Snuff, yet when my hand is in, I neither spare friend nor foe; and I have not only maul'd the poor Don with the Quarter-staff of Prose, but also with the Back-Sword of Verse;

[Page]

Prol. to the Spanish Fryar.

Their Patrimonial Sloth the Spaniards, keep,

And Philip first taught Philip how to sleep.

Pray Gentlemen mind that dead-doing Epithet Patrimonial, by which I inform the World that the Castalians have their laziness bequeath'd to 'em by their Parents, as well as the Majestick Cloak, the starch'd Golilia, the diminutive Breeches, and the trusty Dagger; and so with one circumbendibus (to use my own Fryer Dominicks expression) I lash the precedent Ages, at the same time that I chastise the present Generation. Nor have the Ultra montani, the Italians met with better entertainment, but are attack'd and ridicul'd in their own dearly-beloved diversions of Harlequin and Scaramouchi.

The Italian Merry Andrews took the place,

First part of the Miscell.

And quite debauch'd the Stage with lewd grimace;

Instead of Wit and Language, your delight

Was there to see two Hobby-horses fight.

But because I hate the dull, insipid, phlegmatic way of conquering Kingdoms singly, I here storm all the Universe at one instant:

Where Banish'd Vertue wilt thou show thy face,

Ind. Emp.

If Treachery infects thy Indian Race.

In the first Verse here I suppose Virtue gone from the old World, which I protest is exceeding tart and Satyrical; and in the next I cunningly insinuate that her Ladiship is not to be found in Mexico, Peru, or any of the Tobacco-plantations; and consequently that she is not to be met with any where upon the face of the Earth. And now, because it would be a very unkind, not to say an uncivil part, in Madam Conscience to loyter, and squander away her time here amongst Mortals, when her Cousin-german Virtue was gone to better quarters in another World, I get a Habeas Corpus for her also, but at the same time was so civil to the modest Virgin, as to allow her the liberty of leaving a Reverend old Gentlewoman, Interest by name, to do her drudgery, and supply her place in her absence, which I gad I think she does every whit as well, if not better. And this passage I have excellently well touch'd in a late Poem of mine, which we may take occasion to discourse of more largely by and by.

Hind and Panther, p. 119.

Immortal Powers the term of Conscience know,

But Int'rest is her name with men below.

As for the Swedes, the Danes, the Swisses, the Laplanders, &c. I let 'em alone, because they are a poor scandalous sort of people, do you observe, Mr. Crites, and not able to defray the expences of a Conqueror; but then as for Scotland—

Crites.

Why I thought Mr. Bays, that Scotland was no more able to defray the expences of a Conqueror than Lapland.

Bays.

No more it is not, but at that time my Passion prevail'd over my interest, and pray Sir take notice how I have lashed that Nation.

First part of the Miscell.

Clean Linnen there wou'd be a dang'rous thing,

The Scot that wore it wou'd be chosen King.

[Page] And now, because I am never to be reconciled to the Scots, for more than one or two reasons, you shall have me e're long set out an History of their Reformation, where I design to acquaint the world, that the true reason of their demolishing Religious Houses, and decrying the Surplice ever since, was not for any Superstition, as they pretend, but only because they could not furnish half your Clergy with clean Linnen.

Crites.

Pray Mr. Bays, is it not high time now to think of steering our course homewards? Methinks we have made a pretty handsome ramble on't this Morning.

Bays.

Sir, I thank you for your seasonable advice, and design to follow it, though it was once in my thoughts (being so nigh the place) to have stept out of Scotland, and made a little tour in the Duke of Saxonys Country, to see the ravage which the Baptist Boar has made in the German Forrests, afterwards to have unearth'd a Socinian Fox, with some of the Duke of Newburgh's Catholick Terriers in the Plains of Poland; and lastly, to have fetch'd a compass round the Country as far as Geneva, to beg a Presbyterian whelp of Calvins last litter, in order to train him up at Long-Acre, to bark at Ceremonies, and the Episcopal Church. —But upon second considerations, `I think it better to make all the sail we can for little England ▪ and so Gentlemen, you are heartily welcome, as I may say, to your Native Country again.

Crites.

Troth Sir, I must needs own my self a little weary, after so tedious a walk, but if you please Mr. Bays, pray let us know what you have to say to old Albion.

Bays.

With all my heart Mr. Crites. Now there being but three remarkable places in the whole Island, that is the two Universities, and the great Metropolitan City; I shall consequently confine my discourse only to them: But first of all, I must tell you, that I am altogether of my Lord Plausibles Opinion in the Plain-dealer; If I chance to commend any place or order of men out of pure friendship, I choose to do it before their Faces; and if I have occasion to speak ill of any person or place, out of a principle of respect and good manners, I do it behind their backs. You cannot imagine Mr. Crites, when I visit either of the two Universities in my own person, or by my Commissioners of the Play-house, how much I am taken with a Colledge-life. Oh there's nothing like a Cheese cut out into farthings; and my Lord Mayor amidst all his brutal City-luxury, does not dine half so well as a Student upon a single Chop of Rotten-roasted Mutton; nay, I can scarce prevail with my self for a month or two after to eat my meat on a Plate, so great a respect have I for a University-Trencher; and then their Conversation is so learned, and withal so innocent, that I could sit a whole day together at a Coffee-house to hear them dispute about Actus perspicui, and Forma misti. From this beginning I naturally fall a railing at London, with as much zeal as a Buckingbam-shire Grazier who had his Pockets pick'd at a Smith-field entertainment, or a Country Lady whose obsequious Knight has spent his estate among Misses, [Page] Vintners, Linnen-drapers▪ and then I tell my audience, that a man may walk farther in the City to meet a true Judge of Poetry, than ride his Horse on Salisbury Plain to find a House.

First part of the Miscell. p. 274.

London likes grossly, but this nicer Pit

Examines, Fathoms, all the depths of Wit.

You see here Mr. Crites, that Scholars won't take Alderman Duncombs Leaden-half-pence for Irish Half-crowns, while a dull Londoner swallows every thing; and takes it with as little consideration, as a true Romanist takes a Spiritual dose of Beleits that are Seal'd up with the Council of Trents Coat of Arms.

Eugen.

How was that Mr. Bays, about the Council of Trent? Pray let us hear it again.

Bays.

Gad forgive me for't—it dropt from me e're I was aware, but I shall in time wear off this hitching in my gate, and walk in Catholick Trammels as well as the best of them; nature I must confess, is not overcome on the sudden—But let me see Gentlemen, whether I have any more lines to our last purpose; Oh here they are!

P. 264.

—Poetry, which is in Oxford made

An Art, in London only is a Trade.

Our Poet, could he find forgiveness here,

Would wish it rather than a Plaudit there.

You are sensible without question, how little beholding the City is to me, when I am upon my progress elsewhere. But 'tis a comfort that this peremptory humour does not continue long upon me. For as I have the grace to disown my Mother-University, with a Jug in one hand, and a Link in the other, when I am at Oxford.

First part of the Miscell.

Thebes, did his green unknowing years engage,

He chooses Athens in his riper age.

So when I am got amongst my honest acquaintance here in Covent-Garden, I disown both the Sisters, and make my self as merry as a Grig with their greasy Trenchers, rusty Salt-sellers, and no Napkins; with their everlasting drinking, and no intervals of Fornication to relieve it. In fine, I make a great scruple of it, whether it be possible for a man to write sound Heroicks, and make an accomplish'd through-pac'd Wit, unless he comes to refine and cultivate himself at London; unless he knows how many Stories high the Houses are in Cheap-side and Fleet-street, is acquainted with all the gaming Ordinaries about Town, and the rates of Porters, and Hackney-Coachmen; has shot the Bridge, seen the Tombs at Westminster, heard the Wooden-head speak, can tell you where the Ensuring Office is kept, and which of the Twelve Companys has the honour of precedence.

Thus I have been as good as my promise, in naming the Citys and Countrys to you, which I have had occasion in my time to visit. Now for the several orders and ranks of men, that have felt the indignation of my Satyr.

The first that I begin with shall be that [...]tourdy bete, that humble admirer [Page] of Jost and Quibble, the Melancholy Clergyman▪ Come out therefore Mr. Levite, by what Names or Titles soever dignified and distinguished. Prethee observe Mr. Crites, how dejected tho poor Passive Rogue look [...] How Mal a droitly he makes his entrance, like Mrs. Days Heir apparent in the Committee: And by my Faith he has a great deal of reason for't— For first and formost, in my Postscript to the Siege of Granada, I have imputed the Corruption of our Language and Eloquence, to their dull way of haranguing in the Pulpit. A heavy charge this same I protest to you, and how they'll answer it this Term at the Kings-Bench I can't tell; but I am sure of this, if it had not been for some of the beaux esprits of this end of the Town, and for my self in particular, who chearfully assisted in so charitable a work, and left no stone unturn'd to enrich and refine our Native Tongue, we had e're this, been reduc'd to as miserable a state of Parbarity as our Forefathers were in the time of the Saxon Heptarchy— In the next place, I have chastiz'd the Clergy with a vengeance▪ for Spanish Fryar. p. 36. engrossing Laysins, as they have done Lay-preferments to themselves, and scarce leaving the poor Laity that uncomfortable subsistence of a Tenth part; for putting the Paniers of their Church-discipline upon us when we are young, and afterwards (which is my greatest quarrel to the whole Tribe) for loading us with a Wife, which they cannot ease us of, though both parties are fully agreed for a divorce. Lastly, to make short work on't, and not give my self the trouble of distinguishing between Church and Church, and the professors of this, and t'other perswasion, I arraign the whole Fraternity from London to Iapan for a pack of Jugglers and Impostors.

Absol. and A [...]bi [...].

This set the Heathen Priesthood in a flame,

For Priests of all Religions are the same.

That last line Mr. Crites, unless I am mistaken, touches the Copy-hold of all these spiritual Gentlemen, from a Christian Patriarch, down to an Indian Bramyn; now I fancy you are apt to imagine, when you see a Pagan Priest severely used in any of my Plays, that I had no further design in my head, than to ridicule that party, but I must take the freedom to assure you of the contrary; For as it was the policy of the Fanaticks in their late famous Procession on Queen Besse's night, to wound the Established Church through the sides of the Romanists; so it has over been my Method, to do 'em the same injury through the sides of Pagans. But to give you a clearer Satisfaction in the matter; carry this instance along with you. — In my Oedipus, I bring in a certain [...]t speaking to the People, to make way for the old Tiresias to pass, Don't tread on the Blind Prophets Corns (says he) we ought to show him respect, because he says he comes from the Gods. Ay, Ay, replies a Neighbour, whom I had tutor'd before at Long-Acre ▪ He's not the sooner to be belived for saying so, all of the Profession can pretend as much as that for themselves—and so Gentlemen for the future if you find me expose, kick, and toss some poor Heathen-Priest in a Blanket, you may be sure I mean some sleepy Prebend of a Cathedral, or [Page] else some Imprimatur-man, who lives at the Scandal-office, a Bishops Chaplain. Now if you please Mr. Levite, to go about your lawful occasions, you may Presto vade be gone, and make room for the Fraternity of Poets to enter.

Crites.

Methinks Mr. Bays, if you had observed the true Order, your Lawyers and Physicians ought to have succeeded the Divines.

Bays

So they should Mr. Crites, if I had any reason now to introduce them upon the Stage: But I was ever master of so much Christian Prudence, I bless my Stars for it, as not to meddle with the Velvet-coat and Urinal, or the Green Bag, and long Robe; for as I have had from my Cradle a greater regard to the Welfare of my Body than my Soul, so I was always so circumspect, as to consider that a Physician might revenge his quarrel upon my Tenement of Clay, and the Lawyer either hang me, or ruine my Cause, when I was to appear before him, and he made a Judge. But as for your Divines, you may as safely assault them as a Herd of naked Indians, (otherwise you may swear a Poet durst never venture to invade them so often) they have only a pointless poor Weapon, Curtana by name, to defend themselves; and as my Son Gomez well observes, if there were no more in Excommunication than the Churches Censure, a wise man wou'd lick his Conscience whole with a wet finger.—

As for the Poets Mr. Crites, of which Company I am the present Master, they are without doubt, the poorest Company about Town, (tho at the same time the largest, if you take in the City Writers, and the out-lying Deer in the Suburbs) and to the best of my knowledge, cannot say they have produc'd one Lord Mayor, one Alderman, one Sheriff; nay, scarce one Common-Council-man or Constable, since the Conquest: They are besides, a very ill-natured, querulous, complaining sort of men, much of the same constitution with the Old Hebrews; always railing at Fortune, and damning their own Function.

Eugen.

And in my opinion Mr. Bays, 'tis as preposterous a way in these Gentlemen to endeavour to recommend their profession to the World by railing at it, as to think to Palm a bad Play upon an Audience, by calling them Fools and Sots, and Hobby-horses, in the Prologue.

Bays.

'Tis very true Sir, and therefore the rest of Mankind have generally the discretion to speak well of their own present condition; your Married men to wheedle more Company into the Magick Circle, can say a hundred pleasant things of the conveniences of Matrimony; nay a Scotchman shall inlarge as much in commendation of his own ragged Country, as a Millenese for Lombardy. But Poets, as I told you before, are the only men in the Universe that rail at their own calling, and upon this very score, think they may be somewhat excused for making bold with other men, and other profession. For my part, I have taken better and wiser methods, 'tis but telling the world that my Maker is an Almighty Poet, and the Ball we live in a true, sublime, well contrived Heroids Poem, and the honour of our vocation is sufficiently secur'd from any scandals that may [Page] afterwards be fastned upon it. I must confess I never had a good word from my Brethren the Poets, nor they from me, since I presided in the Chair: But a man may very well allow the losers the liberty of talking, and I am apt to flatter my self that my assuming the Glorious Title of Poet Universal, and degrading the rest of my Brethren so far, as to make them take all their Commissions from my own hands, was as great and as Politick an undertaking, as—

Crites.

But pray Mr. Bays, oblige your old acquaintance so far, as to let them know how you managed your self in this important affair.

Bays.

With all my heart, for you cannot impose me a more grateful province than to recount my past labours, and acquaint you from what inconsiderable beginnings I aspired to my present Grandeur and Dignity—In the first place, after some years spent in the University, I quitted all my preferment there to come and reside at the Imperial City, because it was likely to prove a Scene of more advantage and business, by reason of the great resort of strangers to it, and likewise because it was the fittest place in the whole Island for a Monarch to settle his Court, issue out orders for his Subjects at home, and entertain a commerce with his Allys abroad. At first I struggled with a great deal of persecution, took up with a lodging which had a Window no bigger than a Pocket-Looking-glass, Dined at a Three-penny Ordinary enough to starve a Vocation Taylor, kept little Company, went clad in homely Drugget, and drunk Wine as seldom as a Rechabite, or the Grand Seignior's Confessor. Much about this time Mr. Crites, as you may very well remember, I made my first addresses in Panegyric to Oliver Cromwell, and that puissant Usurping Phocas had certainly conferr'd the Title of Oecumenical Universal Poet upon me, if a Tempest had not hurried him out of the World before his time.—

Eugen.

Under favour Mr. Bays, would not you have refus'd the Title, coming from a person of his Charecter?

Bays.

Refus'd it! No, not I'gad: I beg your parder Sir, a better person by far than your self was glad to accept the same Title from a worse hand, no dispraise to the Protectors, by the same token that his Successors have the grace to keep it to this present minute. Being unfortunately disappointed of my hopes in this place, I tack'd about with the times, and applyed my self to the Almighty Grandees at Court, flatter'd Lords whom no body else would flatter, but especially made it my business to win the affections of the Ladies, who I knew had the disposal of their Husbands; and consequently would prove sure Cards in time of need. Finding some little encouragement here, and resolving to weather all storms that might happen, I began to reform the Theatre, and restore it (as I gave out) to its Primitive Splendour and Purity, receiv'd the appeals of my younger Brethren of the Stage, Coyned Heroes as fast as Brumingham-Groats, dep [...]sed Kings, divorced Qu [...]ees, damn'd and ejected all those that oppos'd my Novel Constitutions, and pretended to square themselves by uncorrupted antiquity: Lastly, instead of sense, reason, and true passion, I introduced [Page] nothing upon the Stage but meer Show and Pageantry, Dancing, Flying, Singing, Fighting, Visions, Dreams, Exorcisms and Revelations▪ Charms, Witchcrafts, Fire and Gunpowder, Thunder and Lightning▪ till at last Spirits and Apparitions turned out the men, and poor Tragedy it self was swallowed up in an Opera.

Crites.

But pray Mr. Bays, what did you say to Shakespear, Iohnson, and the rest of them? Methinks your new-settled Monarchy should stand in a great deal of danger, as long as these Authors continued in any respect and authority among the People.

Bays.

To prevent, Sir, all storms that might have issued from that quarter, I presently set me up an Index expurgatorious, by the virtue of which I so castrated these grave Old-fashioned Gentlemen, so disguised their true features by putting them in modern apparel, that upon the Stage, few, very few I'gad, could distinguish their works from my own proper Legitimate productions. Then I fulminated Iohnsons affected Style, his dull way of making Love, his Thefts and mean Characters: Shakespears Ignorance, long Periods, and Barbarous Language: Fletchers want of a Gentlemans Education; so often, you do observe me Mr. Crites, that scarce one in a hundred had the assurance to offer one good word in their behalf. Having made these advances, I proceeded to Censure the living Poets with greater vigour and severity, acquainted the world with the nullity of their Ordination, and at the same time, published a manifesto wherein I declar'd that the right of Investiture, with a Playhouse Jilt and a Bottle, solely and wholly belonged to my self; that it should be lawful for a Poet to keep his Whore, but whosoever offer'd to marry, should ipso facto, forfeit his allowance from the Theatre. That all the world besides lay under a mistake, but only Mr. Bays was in the right. That the Stage had two great luminaries, Mr. Bays and Mr. Batterton, to enlighten it, but that Mr. Bays was just as much bigger than Mr. Batterton, as the Sun is bigger than the Moon, Finally, I owned my self to be Apollo's Vicar here upon Earth, and Homer's Successor in the ancient and unerring See of Parnassus. That the decrees of Mr. Bays ought to be observed with the same deference as the decrees of Apollo. That all other Writers were to be judged by Mr. Bays, but Mr. Bays was only accountable for his mistakes to Apollo himself. And then I threatned to suspend all those Poets from Stew'd Prunes, Wine, Fire and Tobacco; nay, to confine them durante vita, to Temperance, Sobriety, and no Fornication, who should presume to convene any Assemblies in Grub-street without my order, or appeal from my Sentence to Aristotle, Longinus, or any other person whatsoever.

Crites.

Dear Bays, how I cou'd hug thee for this! Oh thou true and invincible Hildebrand of Poets! But prethee, for more security, get an Act of Parliament to confirm the Title to thee and thy Heirs for ever, and the business is settled past dispute.

Bays.

There you hit me Mr. Crites, and indeed I have designed such a thing a long while ago, as I shall inform you presently at a better convenience. [Page] —But Gentlemen, when I had thus in the plenitude of my power issued out the above-mentioned Decretal Epistles, you cannot imagine what abundance of Adversaries I created my self; some were for appealing to a free unbyass'd Synod of impartial Authors, others were for suing out a Quo Warranto to examine the validity of my Charter. Not to mention those of higher quality, I was immediately set upon by the fierce Elkanah, the Empress of Morocco's Agent, who at that time commanded a party of Moorish Horse; in order to raise the Siege of Granada; and a fat old gouty Gentleman, commonly called the King of Basan, who had almost devoured the Stage with free-quarter for his men of Wit, and humourists: But, I countermin'd all their designs against my Crown and Person in a moment, for I presently got the one to be drest up in a Santenit, under the unsanctified name of Doeg; the other I coupled my self with his namesake Thomas Ster [...]h [...]l [...]: Being thus degraded from their Poetic function, and made uncapable of Crowning Princes, raising Ghosts, and offering any more incense of Flattery to the living and the dead, I delivered them over to the Secular arm to be chastised by the furious Dapper-wits of the Inns of Court, and the young Critics of the University. Furthermore, to prevent all infection of their errors, I directed my Monitory Letters to the Sieur Batterton, advising him to keep no correspondence, either directly or indirectly, with those aforesaid Apostates from Sense and Reason; adding, that in case of neglect, I wou'd certainly put the Theatre under an interdict, send a Troop of Dragoons from Drury-lane to demolish his Garrison in Salisbury-Court; and absolve all his Subjects, even the Sub-Deacons and Acolyths of the Stage; his trusty Door-keepers and Candle-lighters from their Oaths of Fealty and Allegiance. There remains yet behind a little stammering Sonnetier, whom I suspended a beneficio some two years ago for a Play of his called the Banditti; but because he understands no more Latin than Iacta est alea, Anguillam cauda tenes, for which he quotes at second hand Erasmus's Adagies, and consequently is not capable of forming any great designs against my Government, I have forbore to treat him with any further severity, and allow'd him the humble priviledge of charming Country Ladies, and City-Prentices.

Now clear the Stage of Poets—And enter thou Many-headed Beast, the Mobile of England. It had been an endless piece of trouble, Mr. Crites, to have run over all those several parts which make up this heterogeneous Monster; or to have treated the Inkle-weavers, the Porters, the Tankard-bearers, the dealers in Ribbons, News-books, Wall-Divinity, and Penny-Cust [...]rds, and the rest of that Mechanical herd, in a Chapter by themselves: Adam's naming all the Beasts in Paradice had been nothing to it. So in the twinkling of an eye I have ranked the Almighty Rabble in one continued line, from [...] to Charing-cross. But what do you think now will follow up in this same business?

Crites.

Nay the Lord knows, Mr. Bays, for I can't imagine what should.

Bays.

Why Sir no more than this; if they reach'd two mile further, I [Page] have a Verse for all that which shall go beyond 'em: 'Tis a most exceeding sharp reflection upon the whole body, but I'gad so cunningly disguised with a hard word or two, that it is not in the capacity of every mean person to understand it: and I dare engage to speak it as safely before 'em all, as a Justice of Peace may quote a false Statute at a Sessions, or a Priest may speak false Latine in giving the Absolution.

Eugenius.

And I dare also engage for my part, Mr. Bays, before I hear what it is, that this same Almighty Rabble of yours shall be apt to mistake it for a complement, as some of their Predecessors before 'em took Si populus vult decepi, for a Patriarchal Benediction.

Bays.

Pray Sir mind your own business, and don't trouble your self for any concern of mine—But, Mr. Crites, you shall hear now with what freedom I have censur'd this fickle multitude, this Neutrum modo, mas modo vulgus:

Not Truth nor Reason make thee at a stay,

The Medal.

Thou leap'st o're all—

I find I must take breath again before I can compass it, 'tis so very long —

Thou leap'st o're all eternal Truths in thy Pindaric way.

Crites.

This is a cutter, by my faith Mr. Bays, it lashes somewhere with a vengeance; and I am now perswaded if the Rabble did but understand how severely you have affronted 'em, that you'd have a greater Mutiny about your ears than the late Cow-keeper, or Sir Nicholas Gimcrack in the Virtuoso.

Bays.

I am much of your opinion Mr. Crites, but prithee is it not a noble Majestic Verse that last?

Thou leap'st o're all eternal—

To tell you the truth, I measur'd it not by my Fingers, but a pair of Compasses; and I dare safely say 'tis the longest line except one in Christendom. Now because you are my extraordinary good friends, I will tell you whence I borrow'd the hint: It was my fortune once in my Travels to drop into a Country Ale-house, where some few stories of the Old Testament were represented in very ancient Hangings: Amongst the rest, that famous passage between Pharaoh and Moses was touch'd upon, with some old-fashioned Poetry beneath it to explain the Figure, and these individual lines that follow, as I very well remember, walked clearly round the room.

Why was not be a Rascal

Who refused to suffer the Children of Israel to go into tho Wilderness —

Crites.

What have you not done with it, Mr. Bays?

Bays.

No, no, — with their Wives and Families to eat the Paschal. There's a line for you, Mr. Crites, if all the Pindari [...] in the World were lost, this wou'd certainly retrieve it from oblivion. I had the curiosity to measure it, and 'tis just forty six foot of Metre, no more, nor no less. I warrant you any other man might have seen it twenty and twenty times, and never edify'd the value of a brass farthing at the sight; but I am an inquisitive person you know, and like a good Chymist, can extract rich Spirits of Poetry [Page] out of the most insipid matter. — So much at present for the several orders and degrees of mankind: But I wish with all my heart my quarrels had stopt here, or been only confin'd to my fellow creatures; but I faith I have been so unfortunate in my time as to make a step higher, so that, if it is with Angels, as with any particular society of men here upon earth, where, if you disoblige one, you disoblige all the rest; I must confess to my shame and sorrow, that I have affronted the whole Celestial Hierarchy: For, Mr. Crites, I have put the grossest abuse imaginable upon one of their Tribe, who, as I am informed, makes no inconsiderable figure amongst em even the Archangel Gabriel.

Crites.

How Mr. Bays, the Archangel Gabriel! what occasion had you to quarrel with him?

Bays.

Troth Mr. Crites, none at all: How should I? I never saw him, or spoke with him, to the best of my knowledge in all my life: But now and then 'tis my misfortune to be possest with the Spirit of Contradiction, and at that time should you attempt me with all the kind language, and the most convincing arguments in the world, I am not to be perswaded. Thus in my Life of Plutarch, when it lay in my power either to have wav'd the business, or at one words speaking, to have made as good a Christian of that Reverend Philosopher as ever lived; and I might easily have prevailed with good St. Ierome to set his hand to the Affidavit (for you must know that honest Father inserted a worse man, the Cuckold-maker Seneca by name, into his Catalogue) yet I'gad, I make him, in spight of his Teeth, to continue in his old Pagan perswasion, and present him with half a dozen objections against the Christian Religion, which I'm sure will never relish as long as the World stands, with a Philosophers critical palate. Thus also in the Conquest of Mexico, a foolish freak took me in the head, and I must make not only the Indian Priest, and Montezuma himself (who was in truth a very illiterate Prince) but even some of his Courtiers (who are a sort of men you know that seldom trouble themselves either with the Speculative or Practick part of Religion) so confound the Spanish Chaplain and the rest of his Countrymen, that they were forced in the Fifth Act, when other methods fail'd, to betake themselves to the Infallible Arguments of the Rack, in order to make the Emperour and his Priest set their hands to the Apostles Creed, and the Popes Supremacy.

Eugen.

That was very unkindly done, indeed Mr. Bays.

Bays.

So it was Sir, and I have reckon'd it ever since among one of my crying Sins, and design to do hearty Pennance for it as long as I live. But to pursue the business in hand, the very same Spirit of Contradiction I was mentioning before, seiz'd me when I undertook to clear Miltons Paradice of Weeds, and garnish that noble Poem with the additional beauty and softness of Rhyme. He, like a blind buzzard as he was, makes Adam perform his addresses so ungracefully, introduces him discoursing so unlike a Gentleman, with that negligence of Language, and stupidity of Spirit, that I'gad, you'd pitty his condition. And then for Eve, as he has drawn her [Page] Character, she talks so like an insipid Country House-keeper, whose knowledge goes no farther than the Still or the Dairy, who is as little acquainted with the tenderness of passion, as the management of an Intreague, that one cannot choose but wonder at it. Now when I came to fall upon this work, I was resolved to bestow a little good breeding upon our first Parents, to shew them the Gallantry of a Court, and the Discipline of an Academy, to give them a turn or two in the Mall, and the Galleries at Whitehall, to entertain 'em with a Play in the Kings Box at the Theatre, and afterwards with a fashionable Oglio at Lockets or the Blue-Posts, that so they might be prevail'd with to leave the contemptible frugality of feeding upon Sallads, and shake off all that Clownish rust which they had contracted in a former Education. For this reason. Mr. Crites, I have made that great Grand-mother of ours, discourse after another rate then she did before; she talks of love as feelingly as a Thrice-married Widdow, yet rails at marriage with the same concern as if she had seen the misfortunes of half her Daughters; tells her Gallant that it was the Practice of all his Sex to decoy poor Innocent Maids with sham stories of their Passion; and that he'd be as apt to forget her after the enjoyment was over, as a Sharper of the Town forgets the last friend he borrowed money of: In fine, she discourses of Flames, Darts and Transports, of the performances of Lovers, and the Fatality of Matrimony, (though God knows, the poor Gentleman had no occasion to understand them before) with as much familiarity as the Emperour Montezuma discourses of the Sea, who had scarce seen or heard of a puddle greater than a Horse-pond in all his life time. And then as for Adam, I have put my self to the charges of giving him a year or two's running at the University, made him as well acquainted with all the arguments of the Supralapsarians, as a Justices Clark is with all the She-traders in his Masters Dominions: So that when the Arch-angel Gabriel came to pay him a visit at his Summer-house, he presently engages him before the second course was remov'd, in the Mysterious Controversie about Freewill, Proposes Mediums, solves Objections, tells his guest that his Major was open enough to let a whole Shoul of Arminians in at the Breeches; that his Minor would not hold water; and sometimes I'gad, in plain downright English, assures him that his inferences had no more relation to the premises, than the Alcoran to the Four Evangelists.

Crites.

Pray Mr. Bays how long ago is it since Angels have made use of Syllogism? I thought that those Intuitive Gentlemen had never put themselves to the trouble of tracing causes by their effects, or drawing conclusions from their premises.

Bays.

Why there's the mischief on't, I knew well enough that the Angels stand in no more need of a Grammatica Rationis, than a ready Wit does of a Common-place-book; but such is my unhappiness now and then, that I must run contrary to the Sentiments of all Mankind, though my whole Family suffers by it: Nay to aggravate the matter, I made this great Progenitor of ours, so ba [...]le the Arch-angel in the intricate point of [Page] Free-will, that I should have been most mortally afraid that the discontented Gabriel had carryed some dregs of Calvinism along with him into Heaven, and infected the rest of his fellow Angels, but that I have heard nothing of it since: However I am in a fair way now, I hope, to be reconciled to him, for I employ my Tutelar Genius every morning to sollicit his pardon, and to let him know from me, that if ever this unfortunate Opera of mine lives to a second edition, I design to write a Poeta loquitur on that part of the page where the Angel discourses.

Eugen.

That will do very well Mr. Bays, to recover his lost reputation with the reader, and no question on't, but it will go a great way to encline him to better thoughts of your repentance: Put prethee little Bays, may I make so bold as to enquire the reason why you are so great an enemy to Freewill? Is it not because you are willing to plead fatal necessity at the day of Judgment, and lay all your miscarriages at your Makers door?

Bays.

I must give you the same answer to this question, as a Country-Physician gave a friend of mine, who came to enquire of him how he cured himself of his last Ague; for you must note, that this same Blunderbuss, by some accident or other, had dropt upon a right medicine: No Sir (said he) I beg your pardon, for I am under an obligation never to disclose the secret to any person breathing, but if you are so lucky as to name the true remedy, for our old acquaintance sake, I'll not conceal it from you. Is it (says the Gentleman) Octabis Hilarii? No I protest: Why then, I'll lay all that I'm worth in the World, continues he, that it is Quindena Paschae. Neither is it that upon my life, but for your comfort, it is something as like Quindena Paschae as may be; nay, to satisfie you farther in the case, Quindena Paschae is one of the chief Ingredients. In like manner Mr. Eugenius, I must tell you, that you have not pitch'd upon the true reason why I am so bitter an enemy to Freewill (for that relates to a particular affront which I receiv'd from an Arminian Divine) but I can assure you upon my Integrity, that it comes as nigh the true reason, as any thing in the World can come nigh another. I am sure it is not only my own interest, but the interest of half Mankind, that we carry'd no such troublesome thing as Freewill about us, for then I know who must bear the blame of our extravagancies another day; it wou'd remove all those peevish Melancholly distinctions of good and evil, and score the frequent Sallies and Excesses of our life upon the unavoidable influences and failures of humane nature. But Gentlemen, I have somewhere in the compass of four lines, urged this Opini [...] except I am mightily deceiv'd, with all the accuracy and strength of [...], which so nice a subject can well allow of. Oh now I remember [...]em!

The Priesthood grossly cheat us with Freewill,

Will to do what, but what Heaven first decreed;

[...].

Our Actions then are neither good nor ill,

Since from Eternal causes they proceed.

[...].

I fancy Mr. Bays, that these Verses, with some little alteration, [Page] would not be amiss in a young Poets Prologue, who is to excuse the Errours of his Essay to an Audience.

The Criticks basely charge us with Freewill,

Will to write what, but what our Stars decreed;

Our Poems then are neither good nor ill,

Since from All-ruling Planets they proceed.

Ha! Mr. Bays, What think you now? Wou'd not this mollisie the cruel hearts of the most prejudiced Spectators?

Bays.

Mollisie them? No question on't Mr. Crites, unless the old Gentleman in black possess'd them all. I could inlarge very copiously upon this hint of yours, but that I am desirous to finish the relation of my Conquests, before I proceed to any other business; and therefore to draw my Victories into a narrower compass, I have affronted the men of Wit in my Gallants, expos'd the men of Valour in my Heroes, ridicul'd the men of Love and Extasie in my Jealous Coxcombs, the Ladies in my complying Females, Country Parsons in all my Pagan Priests, and Princes in my lawless Maximines of the Theatre; I have lashed the State of Matrimony in my Marriage A-la-mode, the state of Celibacy and a Monastic life in my Spanish Fryar, and love in a Nunnery; the state of Cuckoldom in my Limberham, the state of Innocence in my Opera of Adam: In a word (if you'll be pleas'd to allow me the benefit of the Clergy, that is, the Christian Priviledge of one single quibble at parting) I have lashed the States of Holland in my Tragedy of Amboyna.

Eugen.

And you have murder'd good Sense and Comedy with a vengeance in your Wild Gallant.

Crites.

Now we talk, Mr. Bays, of the Wild Gallant, of all Loves remember me to the Merry Taylor, and tell him, if he continues his old humour of trusting people for the sake of a Jest, I'll help him to half a dozen Irish Officers, that shall jest and quibble two hours by the Clock, for a new pair of Breeches, and what shall be the best jest of all, never pay for them.

Eugen.

But Mr. Bays, this long digression of yours, has clearly put you beside the story you promised us.

Bays.

Goodsookers, so it has! Oh this treacherous forgetful head of mine! It serves me more unhandsome tricks I'gad, than a young Lawyers memory, who has not attained to his Westminster-hall Compass of Fitz, Pere and Ayle: But how to fall exactly into the same place where I left on the Lord knows how▪ unless you can assist me Gentlemen.

Eugen.

Very easily Sir, for all that we have hitherto heard concerning your story, only comes to this, That some Three Weeks before your Conversion in 1685. it was your fortune to go down the River as fas as Greenwich, with some Irish Gentlemen of your acquaintance.

Bays.

Right Sir, with some Irish Gentlemen of my acquaintance, where out of an excess of Friendship, and a mistaken principle of Honour, I drank a prodigious quantity of Wine for two days together, tho to deal honestly with you, the Wine was only sit to be drank in a Protestant Communion, or to Bury Prince Belzebubs Subjects.

[Page]Crites.

Have a care Mr. Bays, you are always abusing some Princes Subjects or other; but pray Sir to what part of the Globe do these strangers belong, or what do you mean by Prince Belzebubs Subjects?

Bays.

Why the Flyes Man! Oh Lord that you shou'd be so Ignorant: I hope Sir a Man may pass a jest upon the Flyes, without offending you, or any body else

Crites.

No question on't Mr. Bays. But prithee Man, why so severe upon the Protestant Communicants?

Bays.

Because it is so unseemly a sight to see a Fat Two-handed Layman, with a Face which you may divide as Dr. Heylin has done the Kingdom of Poland, into the Champain and the Woody, overgrown with Beard, and looking like the Moon half recovered out of an Eclipse (pray mind the comparison) spill half the Chalice upon his Whiskers, and afterwards wipe 'em with his greasy Elbow.

Crites.

Rather than break squares between both Churches as to that particular, I'le engage, Mr. Bays, that the Laymen shall all of 'em be shaved before they come to Church.

Bays.

It can never be done Sir, say what you will, or propose what expedients you will; for a Laymans Face (and the experiment was made before no worse Company than the Council of Constance) can never be made so sleek and all that, as a Sacerdotal countenance: I have, Mr. Crites, since I was reduced, laboured in this affair to accomodate it, as much as any person whatever, for I wou'd not willingly pay for Wine and not have my Share, but it won't do. Another project I have thought upon, which is a great deal more feasible, may be of infinite advantage to the Kingdom, and I hope may meet with better success.

Eugenius.

Pray Mr. Bays what is that?

Bays.

Why, you know Sir, what a dull time the Poets have had of it lately, since the Considerers and Answerers of both sides have invaded the Press, no more to do I'gad than a Player in the Vacation; and Wit as perfect and meer a drug as Wool was before the Burying Act. Now what do you think I intend to do in this case, Mr. Crites?

Crites.

Faith Sir, I can't tell, for I have no extraordinary hand at supposition and conjecture.

Bays.

No, you may think and pump your imagination these forty years, and ne're be the wiser. Why, I intend — But you'll half kill your selves with laughing at the conceit— I intend to get a Burying Act for the Muses.

Crites.

A Burying Act! As how I pray?

Bays.

I will make my application to the Worshipful Members of the next Parliament, and represent to them the miserable condition of Nine Muses, which is more to be pittyed I'gad, than all the sufferings of the French Protestants. In order to make my petition meet with better entertainment▪ and move their compassion, I'll tell them a lamentable story of Apollo, the Father of these Girls, how I saw him the other day Eating Spoon-meat [Page] amongst Porters in the Stocks-market, in a little greasy old-fashion'd Black Cloak, which hung about his Shoulders like a Heralds Coat without sleeves, and scarce reach'd so low as one of your Sub-deacons Surplices at Sumerset-house; likewise with a little Extinguisher-like Hat on, and that when I enquired of him, how it came to be so unmercifully paired and circumcised, he should answer that he parted with a Groats worth of the brim, to equip a Basket-hilt in Lincolns Inn Fields; nay, to secure my self from all possible dangers of a disappointment in the case, I design to acquaint them with what the Old Gentleman had informed me concerning his Daughters; that unless their relief came presently, they must be forced like the City Orphans, to marry below themselves, and take up with Lawyers Clerks, Penny-Chroniclers, and Smithfield-Sonnetiers, for want of better; that they durst not make their appearance at any places of publick resort, because they wanted the necessary accommodation of Night-rails and Top-knots; and that the trusty Keepers of Westminster had discarded 'em, ever since they retrenched their families, and turned out their Servants to Board-wages. And then as for himself, he protests that he has not tasted a drop of Wine since the Conduits pist Claret at the Coronation; that he could not be trusted a week ago in Pauls Church yard for half a dozen strings to his Welsh Harp, tho he was amoagst so many of his own Tenants, the Booksellers; and lastly▪ to use his own expression (by which you may perceive his necessities have made him profane as well as desperate) that he has subsisted of late years like the poor melancholly Accidents in Transubstantiation, without a subject to quarter upon.

Crites.

Nothing certainly will prevail upon 'em, Mr. Bays, if this story won't.

Bays.

Nay you may let me alone to move the hearts of any assembly in Christendom. After I have prepossess'd 'em with this doleful Tale, I will humbly offer to their charitable considerations these following Proposals.

That for encouraging the manufacture of Poetry, (pray observe me Gentlemen, I call it a manufacture, because to my self it is more the trouble of the fingers than the labour of the brain) which has of late years, to the ruine of several Families, the decay of Trade, and the loss of the Kingdom in general, been discontinued; both Houses of Parliament think fit to order for the future;

First, That no person above the Degree of a Lord shall presume to be buried under a dozen Stanza's of good lawful Pindaric Poetry; for which his Heirs, Executors, and Administrators shall pay a Crown a Stanza.

Crites:

But why not, Mr. Bays, as well be buried in good Heroic?

Bays.

For a certain reason Sir, which I am sure will make you bepiss your self, 'tis so extreamly diverting. You know Sir, that Princes, Dukes, and Earls (I can't help reflecting for the heart of me) are a sort of lawless, ungovernable people: Now what kind of Poetry is so suitable, do you think, for these persons, as that which defies all rules, leaps over all constitutions, and, in fine, does what it pleases.

[Page] Secondly, That all people, from the condition of a Lord down to a Baronet, shall be embalmed in twenty pair of Heroic Verses, for which they shall pay a Noble. Now the reason why I am for burying these worthy Gentlemen in Heroic is this, That as the Nile seldom mounts above the 18th figure, and seldom ebbs below the 14th, so true Valour rarely rises above a Lord, and rarely falls below the quality of a Baronet.

Eugen.

Why could you not, Mr. Bays, have borrowed your instance from the Quick-silver in a Weather-glass, as well as travelled for one as far as Egypt. I find you are for hedging a stake in your old age amongst the men of Valour.

Thirdly, That Country Squires, Heads of Houses, Doctors of Divinity, and the Civil Law, Prebends of Cathedrals; all Mayors, Bailiffs, and Aldermen, &c. shall be buried in their dearly-beloved Acrostics, (you see I am tart upon half the Nation) for which they are to pay seven Groats (cheap enough I'gad) and that the Poet shall be bound to bait the last distich either with pun or quibble; otherwise to receive nothing for his labour; any thing in this Act or Statute to the contrary notwithstanding.

Crites.

Methinks Mr. Bays, you ought in Conscience to have excepted the Mayors of Wooden-basset and Queenborough, I dare engage the Magistrates there had rather be interred without the solemnity of an Epitaph, than go to the charges of paying for it.

Bays.

No, no, they must pay, if it were only for representing his Majesty.

Fourthly, That all others of meaner rank and families, shall be content to lye wrapt in a wholesome short ditty, to the melancholly Tune of St. Sepulchers Chimes, for which they must pay one single Tester.

Fifthly, That whereas Mr. Bays has done the Nation such important service, and gratified all parties; that is, libelled the Priests to please the Laity, and railed at the Laity to get himself reconciled to the Priests; lampoon'd the Court to oblige his trusting friends in the City, and ridicul'd the City to secure a promising Lord at Court; exposed the kind Keepers of Convent-Garden to please the Cuckolds of Cheapside, and drolled upon the City Do-littles to tickle the Convent-Garden Limberhams; drawn his Pen against the Romanists, to win the hearts of Fanatics and Socinians, and afterwards attack'd all the herd of Dissenters, to retaliate the injury done to the Romanists; railed at Matrimony to ingratiate with the superannuated Maids of Honour, and damn'd a single life to get a Dinner amongst the fond Husbands: That in consideration of these, and several other important services, the Members of both Houses think fit to settle the priviledge of Licencing all Poets whatsoever, from the humble dealers in Tobacco-box-inscrip [...]ions, to the wholesale Traders in Drammatick, on him and his heirs for ever; which Poets are to renew their Licences every half year; to obey all his Orders and Instructions, are never to exceed five hundred, and to be marked in the back as Hackney-Coaches are.—So much for this project, (which is not much amiss, considering every body at Court, not [Page] the meanest Irishman excepted, are now in the begging humour) but I forget the main business, my Story—We continued at Greenwich full two days, all which time we did nothing at all I'gad but drink and tipple: A certain passage happen'd the second day, which is not unworthy the relating, but because we have already been so much upon the digression, I'le e'ne forbear it—

Eugen.

Nay, Mr. Bays, if you'll promise to be Laconic, let us have it.

Bays.

A certain Gentleman came accidentally into the room where we were drinking, and desired to be admitted into the company; we told him any civil person was welcome, and so he was receiv'd. Some short time after there happen'd a little occasional discourse concerning Purgatory, and this Spark was so unfortunate to say he disbelieved it; now to the everlasting shame of all those persons who have the assurance to deny Purgatory, I maul'd him so by dint of Argument, and Wit, sheer Wit I gad, that he had not one syllable to say for himself.

Crites.

I thought, Mr. Bays, that your dear self at that time had been of the Gentlemans opinion.

Bays.

Troth Sir I must needs own that I had no over-great opinion of the place till this lucky passage confirmed me. Indeed I had little dawning of the Gospel upon me for a fortnight before, but it was a doubtful glimmering sort of a light, and as I may say, just like that by which Corinna obliged her Gallant,

Pars adoperta fuit, pars altera clausa fenestrae.

Crites.

Is not that comparison of yours, Mr. Bays, somewhat of the lewdest? Methinks you might have resembled the dawning of the Gospel to something else.

Bays.

Tho it is a little luscious, it is exceeeding witty, and that is all as I desire in a simile: Sir, said I to the Gentlemen, you don't believe Purgatory it seems, because it was not discovered before the 11th Century, by the Abbot of Clugny. Right, says he. Why don't you as well, Mr. Wiseacre (rejoyn'd I) believe there's no such place as America, because it has not been discover'd above two huudred years ago; upon which we all fell a laughing, and the poor Gentleman looked with as mortifyed a countenance as Pharaohs Baker, of famous memory, when his dream was interpreted to him.

Crites.

Faith Mr. Bays, and that was ill enough in all conscience.

Bays.

Lord, Mr. Crites, I have a hundred times more to say in behalf of Purgatory than this comes to, and all I'gad, my own Iuvat ire jugis qua nulla priorum orbita— I can't endure to follow any mans footsteps, and that's the reason I so mortally hate your Ficulnea Argumenta, your Artillery drawn out of the Bible. What do you think I design at this very present, but to write a Play call'd the discovery of Purgatory, and to bring in the Abbot of Clugny in the first Scene; with these lines in his mouth.

Abbot.

On what new slaming Country are we thrown,

So long kept secret, and so lately known,

[Page]As if the Seats of Erebus withdrew,

And here in private had conceiv'd a new.

Rare I'gad; and now the Monk answers him:

Monk.

Fire, Charcoal, Pipes, Tobacco here are found,

With which our Countrys plenteously abound;

But Cider and Cool Tankards here are scant,

Right Lime-juice we, and Punch moreover want.

Mind that more Moreover I pray, methinks it is so natural for a Monk, or a Country Parson.

As if this infant—

Crites.

What do you as if again, Mr. Bays?

Bays.

Ay, Sir, and perhaps will As if it this hour longer if I please; should not the Monk, I pray, answer his Abbot.

As if this Infant World yet unarray'd,

Like House with Bill on door were starv'd for want of Trade.

The Quintessence of Wit, by my Faith, Gentlemen, but now it comes to the Abbots turn to speak, who because he was something of a Scholar, I have made him demolish all the Peripatitic Philosophy in a moment.

Abbot.

Here the true elementar fire resides,

And o're the spacious Fields in Triumph rides;

Down then the Stagyrite with all his Crew,

Let Infamy and Scorn his Name pursue;

He held that Fire dwelt in Concavo Lunae,

But here 'tis lodg'd, say I, the learned Clerk of Clugny.

'Tis new, and out of the rode, this same reflection, Mr. Crites; and the Abbot, you must know, was the more willing to take this opportunity of quarrelling with Aristotle, for his Pestilent Heretical Doctrine about Accidents; for my part, I owe him a grudge also, but design as soon as I can, to get out of his debt; 'tis but saying openly in a Coffe-house, that Iesuits Powder is the Bark of his Predicamental Tree, and you destroy his Reputation for ever amongst the Mobile. But to the Monk again.

Monk.

Heaven from all Ages wisely did provide,

And for the bravest Church these Mansions hide,

That we whose Head Supreme and unconfin'd,

Is neither God nor man, but of a middle kind;

Should neither climb to Heaven, nor sink to Hell,

But in some place between for endless Ages dwell.

There's a thought for you, Mr. Crites, match it me if you can in the whole Universe, 'tis all flame and Spirit, and nothing but a Soul that has run through a course of Chymistry and Purgatory, could have utter'd it. After this follows one of the finest Scenes you ever read, but because it is somewhat of the longest, I will only give you the heads of it: As soon as the Monk had done speaking these last words, a Messenger comes in from the Podesta of Pensylvania, to acquaint the Abbot of Clugny, that his Master and the Superintendent of New-England, did intend that morning [Page] to try a brace of Congregational Bull-Dogs, at an Episcopal Panther in the Bear-Garden, in the Ecliptic, and afterwards fully resolved to give him a meeting at his Toleration-apartment in Purgatory, and that if they liked the scituation of the Country, the temper of the Clymate, the convenience of Trading, and found the place capable of being improved and cultivated, they would presently send him a Colony of huge Mortals, with large Hats and no Cravats, to inhabit it. Whereupon—

Eugen.

Under Correction, Mr. Bays, this same Abbot of Clugny is a very uncivil person to put you out of your road thus. Come Sir, your half hour is already past, aud we won't be so unmannerly as to hinder your Devotion, and make you more matter for the next Confession.

Bays.

Goodsookers, Mr. Eugenius, are you going already? Why, I am but just enter'd upon my story, and the best part of it is still behind: I'll trespass this once on Father what d'ye call him—If you'll sit down on the next Bench and hear it out.

Eugen.

With all my heart, provided it will be no injury at all to you, Mr. Bays, for I should be as loath to hinder a Poets Devotion, as an Aldermans Alms, or a Souldiers Sobriety, the Reformation of a Player, or the Loyalty of a Dissenter.

Bays.

'Twill be no injury at all I'gad—Now once in my life, Mr. Crites, I'll borrow my method from a Country Parson. You know 'tis the way of those dull, formal, insipid Animals, after they have made a long tedious harangue in the Morning, to serve it up in the Afternoon as people do their cold Meat, the better to imprint it in the memory of their Flock, as they pretend; but I'gad, I say only to wiredraw the Afternoons discourse, and save themselves the expence of a little Candle-light and thinking. Even so, Gentlemen, if you please to remember, I told you that in the year One Thousand Six Hundred Eighty Five, I chanced to go down to Greenwich, with some Irish Gentlemen, where for the space of two days (pray observe the expression, because it came from the other side Wapping) Drinking had got the Weather-gage of Sobriety. But now I am come to tell you, that the next morning after, I looked as ill as a poor Gentleman of the Town, who has past through a System of Natural Philosophy some half a dozen times at the Bagnio; I was all over in a flame, and so very sick (that though I am far from complementing the place) yet I should be very well content to have no other punishment inflicted on the Council of 25 at Geneva, than to share that illness between them, which I endured in my own person.

Crites

I thought Mr. Bays, that the man who could endure such a brunt for two days, was a confirm'd season'd Debauch, and that nothing could hurt him.

Bays.

Alas Sir, I seldom us'd to engage upon such hot service, unless an extraordinary occasion happen'd, and then I was sure to do sufficient Pennance the next morning. But to proceed Sir, my Wife would of all loves perswade me to repair the breaches of Nature with a little Dyet-drink: [Page] No, reply'd I, not for all the World, I scorn to be indebted to scandalous Dyet-drink for my health, as much as I do to steal Verses from a Gravestone, to purchase the Reputation of a Poet: nay (continued I) I scorn it more than a Fanatick does to bind up his Bible in the same Calves-skin with the Common-Prayer-Book and Apocrypha.

Crites.

What relation, pray, Mr. Bays, has the Common-Prayer-Book and Apocrypha, to your Wifes Dyet-drink?

Bays.

None at all, how should it? It is only a Comparison, Mr. Crites, and a Comparison always ought to be surprizing: Well, after I had consulted my constitution a little, I was resolved to relieve my self with Brandy, which accordingly I did, in a Corner-shop of the Street, and there fell into the most profound contemplation, that ever any uninspired person was possess'd with: But, pray, Gentlemen, what do you think it was that employ'd my meditation?

Crites.

Why Hell-fire, Mr. Bays, for any thing I know to the contrary; if, as you say, your contemplation was so very profound.

Bays.

Well, I protest to you, Mr. Crites, you are enough to make any body split with laughing: Hell-fire! I can assure you such a thought never came into my Head since my Nurse bound it up for me. Gad forgive me, that you cou'd ever imagine a Poet should mortifie himself with such a consideration; I am sure I have made more advances this way than any of my Tribe, yet cou'd never, for the heart of me, travel further than Purgatory. But to deal honestly with you, I thought of a certain business that was full as terrible I gad, and that was this: I considered with my self that the general conflagration of the World could not be above ten years oft at the farthest; which made me resolve to part with▪ all my darling sins on the sudden, and betake my self to the protection of that Church, which cou'd give me the most convincing assurances of Salvation.

Eugen.

But pray, Mr. Bays, upon what ground was it that you believed the day of Judgment was so nigh?

Eugen.

If you have a mind to edify, Gentlemen, by what I am going to relate, I must entreat you to be very attentive; for, as the affair we treat of is exceeding nice and delicate, so if you lose but one chain of the Demonstration, you had as good have heard not one Syllable▪ I consider'd with my self, that from the first peopling of this Island till the Reformation, a little Ale, encouraged with Sugar and Rosemary, passed for an universal Cordial all the Nation over—This is my Principium—Which Levitical Aqua Vitae now and then interposed; and I can exactly tell you how long the Eclipse endured; that is, how the Ale laboured under a disrespect, and likewise how many digits were obscured; that is, how many Counties were guilty of using modern Aqua Vitae instead of primitive ancient Ale: but this being a nicety, which perhaps needs not be so curiously examined, twill be better to wave it, and therefore I shall only desire you to remember, that Ale, prepared after the above-mentioned manner, continued in very good repute and credit till the Reformation.

[Page]Crites.

Yes, yes, Mr. Bays, and as I take it, this Oecumenical Cordial of yours, was confirmed in half a dozen Provincial Synods, held in Cutlers Theatre, in Warwick-lane.

Bays.

As for that, I cannot pass my word, friend Crites, nor am I willing to say any thing but what I have from unquestionable Tradition — Now when the heat of Controversie and Enthusiasm had set the body Natural of the body Politick in a ferment, it was observ'd, that Ale and Beer were too cold for the Constitutions of the people, and that they could no longer pass for Cordials.

Eugen.

Alas! Poor discarded Ale, how do I pity thee! That thy old companion Rose-mary, the reliever of thy Infirmities, and the support of Old Age, should be forc'd to abandon thee! But pray, Mr. Bays, is Religion so great an Inflamer? I never understood that piece of Philosophy before.

Bays.

Your Protestant Religion inflames as much, or rather more than a Hectic Feaver; which I can make good by an undeniable demonstration to you, if you'l both of you promise not to forget the foundation I have hitherto been laying down.

Bays.

Why then I have this question to ask you, Mr. Crites, Were you ever at a Quakers meeting?

Crites.

Very frequently Sir.

Bays.

Then tell me bona fide whether you ever saw a handsome Woman of that sullen perswasion? Come confess the truth.

Crites.

That I have, I can assure thee, little Bays.

Bays.

You may take it from me, she was a Novice then, or else the heat of her zeal had certainly discoloured and sowr'd her countenance, and made her look like the rest of her Sex in those Pagan Assemblies. It is an Article of my Faith, that it is as impossible for a Woman to be a Quaker any time and handsome, as 'tis impossible for one to be a man of business and not dull: If you take a Barrel of Ale and place it to the Sun-shine of your back-side, perhaps in the first week you'll find no alteration, but in two or three months it certainly turns to Vinegar.

Crites.

Very right, Mr. Bays; but prethee shut your hands of this simile as soon as you can.

Bays.

So likewise a She-Quaker for the first half year may make a shift to preserve her Beauty; but afterwards, in spight of all Spanish Wool and Pomatums, the heat of her Religion will contract the Muscles in her face: Which is the reason that all your thorough-paced Women of that opinion have an awkward grinning sort of a look, (for grinning, whether you know it or no, is nothing else but a contraction of the Muscles) and are as easily known by it all the World over, as the men are by their set looks, formal Hats, and short Cravats.

Eugen.

If you have done with this point, Mr. Bays, pray let me entreat you to reassume the business of the Cordial.

Bays.

Well then, Ale and Beer being, for these reasons I mentioned, thus [Page] disbanded, we were forced to travel to the Canaries for a Cordial, and accordingly brought over Potent Catholick Sack; Sack had not long danced about in Thimbles and Spoonfuls, but it desir'd to acquit the Apothecaries Shop, was very ambitious to inhabit a Tavern-Vault, and long'd extremely to converse with men of Wit and Gayety, instead of Gossips, Nurses, Mid-wifes, and decrepit Aldermen: But as familiarity makes every thing in the World contemptible, so in a short time Sack grew out of fashion, ceas'd to perform its ancient office of a Cordial; and towards the latter end of the late Usurpation, when we took Iamaica from the Spaniards, was forced to resign it self to potent Brandy. Brandy having had a large uncontroll'd, but a short reign, stands now upon its Tiptoes, and is making way for the Spirits of Wine.

Crites.

From what signs is it, Mr. Bays, that you conclude the downfal and overthrow of Brandy? To my poor judgment now, it seems as puissant and well-beloved a Monarch as ever.

Bays.

Because it has of late years removed out of the City into the Country, where I am sure it must, like the Goddess of Justice, take its last farewel of Mortals. Now after we have accustomed our selves to Spirits of Wine one half a score years, and consequently, heated our Tenements of Clay, our bodies, to the highest degree imaginable, if, as I told you before, the Conflagration does not then happen, according to this sure Infallible Calculation, mind me, Mr. Crites, I give you free leave before your fuiend here, to post me up in a Gazette, for as scandalous an Author as the Modern Dealer in Natural History; or, if that won't serve your turn, as the whole litter of Narrative-mongers, bound up in a Volume.

Eugen.

Truly, Mr. Bays, this is a very astonishing, strange notion of yours, as I ever heard in my life.

Bays.

I must needs value my self somewhat upon it, because it is properly the product of my imagination, and no person in the World ever thought of it before. But, Gentlemen, you'l entertain more favourable thoughts of this discovery, I'm confiden [...], if you'l do me the honour to judge impartially of these two following collateral arguments, which unless, I am extremely deceiv'd in passing my opinion of things, very strongly back, and confirm the aforesaid Hypothesis. The first is the immoderate and excessive taking of Tobacco, which pestilent, noysome weed, was brought into Europe much about the time when Calvin tapp'd his Anti-Hierarchichal Hogshead of Presbytery at Geneva. You are sensible that Children smoak more now-adays, than even Souldiers and Carmen did heretofore; and that more of this nasty stuff is spent at a beastly City-feast, than would have served the whole Kingdom formerly. Now Tobacco drys the Brain, inflames the Blood, encreases Choler, and takes away all that radical moisture, which even the Brandy had the generosity to spare. So much for the first—

Crites.

Before you proceed any further, Mr. Bays, pray what do you think of the mighty request that Snuff and Coffee are in? You know both [Page] of them are exceeding dryers; will not this hint now serve to illustrate your Cause?

Bays.

You may say what you please of Coffee, but not a word of Snuff, Mr. Crites, as you value your reputation, 'tis too sacred a thing to be jested with; you have free liberty from your Friend Bays, to make bold with every thing in the world, excepting Snuff and the dispensing Power. The other thing which confirmed me in this opinion, is likewise very shrewd and convincing, I could not but observe, Gentlemen, the great use of Deal within these few years every where.

Eugen.

And what of that, Mr. Bays, you have no quarrel sure to the Norway-Company, for importing so much of the King of Denmarks Timber.

Bays.

Not the least Sir; but Deal, you know, by reason of its unctuous resinous substance, is the soonest fired, and the hardest to be extinguished of any Timber in Dodona's Grove, and therefore it seem'd to me a flat design of providence, to engage mankind in this tickle, short-lived sort of building, to fit their Houses as well as their Bodies, for the Universal Conflagration: You know quos vult perdere Iupiter dementat; and I am sure, those that Iupiter intends to destroy by fire, those will Iupiter by several methods and qualifications prepare and fitten for that business; for it is not the way of providence to do things on the sudden, but to proceed by degrees, to dispose every particular circumstance for the ensuing affair, and stay till there's a joynt concurrence in all the parts to advance the mighty Catastrophe. Thus, Gentlemen, you have my opinion of the whole, and if you think it deserves the name of an Essay, perhaps I may have it published amongst the curiosities of the next Bibliotheque Universal, or printed by way of Appendix, or Suppliment to Burnets Theoria telluris.

Crites.

I must confess, Mr. Bays, it deserves a publick appearance, if you please to oblige the world so far, which however you seem'd very loath to do; but under favour, Sir, how came this same Speculative point to bring you over to the Catholick party.

Bays.

I'll tell you Sir, hoping that the reasons I am going to ennumerate, which were of that efficacy as to reduce me, may be able to prevail upon both of you to quit your erroneous perswasion: I must confess my unskilfulness in a business of this nature; and that I have not taken upon me the weighty province of gaining Converts long enough to say I shall make no mistakes in the management; and therefore I must secure my self of your pardon before I advance into so intricate an undertaking—After I had thus faln upon this metaphysical contemplation, I found my self concern'd to make the best provision for my Soul that I could, and that it was high time to consider the circumstances of my wretched condition. I reflected upon the unhappy miscarriages and over-boilings of my Youth, the solemn transgressions of my manhood; the passion, pride, and complicated sins of my Old Age; I call'd to mind the injuries I had done both Church and State, and all those unlawful, brutal attempts, which in my former days [Page] of Ignorance, I had made upon all the degrees of mankind, and which I have so copiously related to you. At last, after an impartial unprejudiced scrutiny into all the visible Churches of the Universe, I found that the Catholicks only proceeded upon sure grounds; that theirs was the well constituted Church which maintain'd Infallibility at its own cost and charges, while all other Assemblies declined the expence; that it had the discretion to keep an Ensuring Office in the Camera Apostolica, and for a small consideration wou'd secure a mans Tenement, with setting a Papal Phoenix upon it, from all damages of Fire hereafter. —Wherefore, at that very moment I shifted my party, and betook my self to that Primitive Indulgent Mother, which heretofore converted our Ancestors from Paganism, and has ever since been attended and adorned with a continued series of Miracles.

Crites.

I hope however, Mr. Bays, you'll preserve a charitable thought of the establish'd Religion, for all it came from King Henry's incontinence, since your own Reformation proceeded from a Debauch, and had its birth, growth and full maturity in a Brandishop.

Bays.

I might be enclined Sir, to do such a thing, if it could be allow'd with any tolerable convenience, but if you once forbid a Romanist to meddle with that Topic, he has as little to say as a Bully when you tye him up from swearing; or a Poet, when you debar him the liberty of repeating▪ 'Tis not to be granted, Mr. Crites. But now, because I will proceed regularly in my discourse, you shall first of all hear those exceptions which I made to the Protestant Assemblies; and secondly, the reasons which confirmed and settled me in the bosom of the Roman Catholick Church.

Eugen.

With all my heart, but I think we had best retire to some more convenient place in the Walks, for I see some company coming forward.

Bays.

God so▪ 'Tis the Learned Author of the Nubes Testium, and the worthy person who has done the Christian World such Service, in proving that the belief of a Trinity is not settled upon a better bottom than Transubstantiation: I have promis'd, now I remember, to dine with them at a Noble Gentlemans in the Hay-Market, and therefore I must request you to excuse me at present—But if you please to give me the meeting at Wills Coffee-house, about Three in the Afternoon, we'l remove into a private room, where over a Dish of Tea, we may debate this important affair with all the solitude imaginable.

Crites.

Agreed, Mr. Bays, We'l not fail at the place and hour appointed to wait upon you. Antiquam exquirite matrem is the word, and so farewel.

FINIS.

[Page]

§

§

[Page]

[Page]

THE REASONS OF Mr. Bays Changing his Religion.

Considered in a Dialogue between Crites, Eugenius, and Mr. Bays.

Quo teneam vultus mutantem Protea nodo?

Hor.

Ante bibebatur, nunc quas contingere nolis

Fundit Anigrus aquas.

Ovid. Met.

LONDON, Printed for S. T. and are to be Sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster. 1688.

The Preface.

[Page]

[Page]

I Have read somewhere in Monsieur Rapins Reflections Sur la Poetique, that a certain Venetian Nobleman Andrea Naugeria by Name, was wont every year to Sacrifice a Martial to the Manes of Catullus: In imitation of this frolic, a Celebrated Poet, in the Preface before his Spanish Fryer, is ple [...]sed to acquaint the World, That he has indignation enough to burn a Bu [...]y Damboys annually to the memory of Ben Johnson: Since this Modern Ceremony of offering up one Author at the Altar of another, is likely to advance into a fashion, as having already the authority of two such great men to recommend it, the Courteous Reader may be pleased to take notice, that the Author of this following Dialogue is resolved (God willing) on the Festival of the Seven Sleepers, as long as he lives, to Sacrifice the Hind and Panther to the Memory of Mr. Q [...]a [...]les, and John Bunyan: Or if a Writsr that has notoriously contradicted himself, and Espoused the Quarrel of Two different Parties, may be consider'd under Two Distinct Characters, he designs to deliver up the Author of the Hind and Panther, to be l [...]h [...]d severely by, and to beg Pardon of the Worthy Gentleman that wrote the Spanish Fryar, and the Religio Laici.

It is not to be deny'd, but that a Poet is as unfit to manage the serious part of a Controversie, as an Irishman is to write the Miracle Part of Church History: For besides that his Integrity is as much to be suspected as his Iudgment; the least Thought, or extravagant Fancy, is apt to lead him a Hundred Pages out of his way, and then 'tis Ten to One, he'll lye on a Fortnight in the Advertisements of a Gazette, before he recovers [Page] the Road. But then on the other hand, I think Mr. Bays ought to be Acquitted for Treating his Subject in Rhyme, (which he very Iudiciously somewhere calls the Vehicle of Nonsense) and I am clearly of Opinion, That the chief Points in Agitation betweent he Church of Rome and Vs, are so easie to be decided (if the Party concerned could but once Disingage themselves from Prejudice, Pride and Interest) that they ought not to imploy the serious part of Mankind, or put Christendom to the Expence of Convening a Council, while a Synod of Poets may better Discuss and Determine them at their own Cost and Charges. Why cannot Purgatory be as well traced out of that Famous Verse in Virgil,

Infectum eluitur scelus, aut exuritur igni,

as out of the Dreams of some few Hypocondraic Authors, and a poor single misapplyed place of Scripture, that for fear of making a Blot, like a Solitary Man at Bacgammon, wants the assistance of another Text to bind him? Or the Pope's Supremacy be made good from that Passage,

Imperiumque Pater Romanus habebit,

as well as out of Pasce oves meas, and the Decretal Epistles? Virgil too may be considered as a Person that lay under to Temptation at all of Complementing the Christians, being himself of another Perswasion; and so whatever comes from him in favour of the Catholick Tenets, is to be look'd upon with extraordinary regard and veneration. And perhaps Mr. Bays, after he has for some time Consulted the Fragments of the Sibylls, and begun a little acquaintance with Rabbi Galatinus, or any of his Relations, may be able to prove that Virgil had his Notion of Purgatory, and the Pope's Supremacy, from the very same Sybill that help'd him to the Prophecy of our Saviours Incarnation in the fourth Eclogue. Certainly that good Eastern Bishop, who at the second Council of Nice urged that Text in the First of Genesis, And [Page]God made Man in his own Image, in defence of Image-worship, was a very great Poet, though from so long a Devolution of time we have lost that part of his Character; and might as well, when his hand was in, as vigorously appear'd to have Man-Midwifery declar'd to be of Divine Right, because Vulcan play'd the Midwife, when his Old Father was Delivered of Minerva. I am heartily sorry that this Iudicious Prelate had not the good Fortune to live in our Age, where he might have made a more considerable Figure, and convers'd with Two able Disputants, exactly of his own Temper and Constitution, the Oxford Editor, and the Worthy Convert of Putney. I observe, that as there are two sorts of Prologues in the Rehearsal, the one Composed in Terrorem, to frighten the Audience into Civility and good Manners, by Huffing and Railing at them; the other Imbellish'd with kind Language, and some pretty Surprizing Thought or other, in order to Steal and Insinuate into your Favour: So likewise the Modern Polemics have pitch'd upon Two different ways to reduce Vs, for either we are Accosted with such kind of Complements as these; Have a Care what you do Gentlemen, you are got within the Territories of Heresie and Sacriledge, and you had as good Ride your Horses full Gallop in a Coney-Warren, as continue in a Country where nothing but utter Ruine and Desolation can attend you: Or else the Scene is alter'd, and some humble Accommodator hangs out the White Flag, and proposes milder Conditions; Well Countrymen, there have been ill offices done on both sides; we have been misrepresented to you, and you have laboured under as bad a Character amongst our party; a little Christian compliance will set all matters streight again. Your Authors and ours are agreed well enough in the main; and therefore let us sacrifice half a dozen troublesome ill-natur'd distinctions to the Peace of mankind: But first we desire you of all loves to lock up that troublesome companion call'd Reason, for one quarter of a year, and if you could but prevail with your self to discard your five Senses, the business would be presently at an end. Of the two late Converts abovementioned, that have listed themselves in the [Page] Service of the Western Patriarch, one has published a specious Treatise, to prove that the Papists and Protestants are agreed in their Notions of a Real Presence; the other pretends, That the Catholick Doctoas, and the Jewish Rabbies, are likewise agreed in the business of Transubstantiation: Indeed, after this rate of arguing they may very easily prove their Church to be Vniversal; which thing if rightly considered, I am confident will bring above three parts of the Globe into the Popes Chamber of Dependencies. I know there are some Malicious Persons in the World, who are apt to conclude, That this calling in the Gentlemen of the Circumcision to the Assistance of the Catholick Cause, is a very plain that they dare not hazard the fortune of a set Battel upon their own Forces: That Prince is in no good circumstances at home, who is obliged to employ an inveterate Foreigner to support his Dignity; and we have read (say they) how the Christians have taken the condition of the Holy Land into their consideration, have unanimously fought, and recovered it out of the hands of Infidels, but we never hear to this day that the Jews retaliated the kindness, or gave 'em any thanks for their pains. The truth on't is, men that are disposed to talk, will, in spight of all the World, say what they please, tho they are sure to be as troublesome as a Welshman when the Spirit of Genealogy possesses him: But I pray why may not a man that has kept Rabbi Solomon Iarchi, Ben Sira, Ben Manasses, and the rest of the Tribe, in Meat, Drink, Washing and Lodging, at his own proper Expence some Twenty Years, be as well allow'd upon an emergent occasion to draw them out in Battel-array, to confound us Protestants, as a Neighbour of ours on the other side the Water to call in the Grand Seignior to humble the Emperour.

But I find this Speculation has occasion'd me to digress farther than I intended: therefore to return to Mr. Bays, I must make bold to acquaint him, That of all men in the World he ought not to have interested himself in the quarrel, whatever his private sentiments were, since he had so publicly, and so virulently exposed that party before. If he pretends he took his copy from Arnobius, who was obliged to write his Learned Treatise Contra [Page]Gentes, to satisfie the Christians, who somewhat doubted the sincerity of his Conversion, that he had in good earnest quitted Paganism, much good may it do him. But I am afraid this instance won't do his business, for, I suppose, had Arnobius stood charged with half those scandalous ill things, which Mr. Bays is like to answer for, his admission into the Church had not been purchased at the easie terms of libelling his old Friends, and Sacrificing that, which is lighter than the Honesty of a Bawd, the Chastity of a Midwife, the Valour of an Atheist, the Honour of a Pimp, the Integrity of an Vsurer, even a Poets Reputation. But I find a man may hold all the seven deadly sins in Commendam with a Saintship; and that there is a certain Society of men in the World, who to fill up their Numbers against the next Muster, make no scruple at all of entertaining such kind of Proselytes, as Romulus picked up when he opened his Asylum.

Mr. Bays in his Life of Plutarch, occasionally discoursing concerning the Report that Seneca Cuckolded his Patron Claudius, is very sorry that Petronus Arbiter was not the man, because he could better have bore it from a man of his Character (for you must know, Petronus Arbiter was a Poet, and consequently the fitter Person for such a business) and he can conceive nothing in the World next to an Elephant upon Stilts, so awkard in the pursuit of an Amour as a Philosopher in a Gown. The Truth on't is, Divines and Philosophers never had a good word from Mr. Bays since his Mother bound up his Head for him. Here was the finest opportunity imaginable for a Philosopher to have made his Market, The old Gentleman gone abroad to smoke a Pipe among his Tènants, the Lady consenting, the happy hour of Assignation come, the Chamber-maid upon duty at the door, the Sheets perfumed, the Curtains drawn, the trusty Brandy-bottle at the Beds-head: Nothing in the World, one would have thought, could have defeated and spoil'd so promising, so hopeful an intrigue. But O the Fates! just in the Critical minute appears Mr. Bays, forbids the banet, turns the poor Philosopher, with his Breeches dangling about his heels, down stairs; and in that surly humour nothing would serve his turn, but a Poet only must Cuuckold the Emperour. [Page] Now to apply this story to Mr. Bays; as he seems concerned for his friend Petronius, that he had not the good fortune to be engaged in the affair we were now discoursing of, so I am sorry with all my heart, that since Mr. Bays's Stars so order'd the matter, as to condemn him to the drudgery of Writing everlastingly, that instead of barren Controversie (which is not a province so capable of being cultivated by a Poet as other provinces are) he had not either set himself upon reforming the Anthems of his own Church, which exceedingly want such a charitable hand as his to Revise 'em; or employ'd his Talent in Spiritual Madrigals to good Saint Wilgefortis, or Apollonia, (who might perhaps have remembred him for it in a fit of the Tooth-ach) or lastly,

Since he is read in Cares,

And bends beneath the weight of fifty years:

that in his Old Age he had not chosen out for him self some peaceful Province in Acrostick Land: I make bold here to use his own Expression in Mac Flecno, if it is his I say; for Mr. Shadwell in the Preface before his Translation of the Tenth Satyr in Juvenal, has been lately pleas'd to acquaint the World, that he publickly disown'd the Writing of it, with as solemn imprecations as his friend the Spanish Fryar did the Cavalier Lorenzo.

For to Deal Honestly with Mr. Bays, however in his other Composures he has obliged the World with the Delicacy of Language, and the Agreeableness of his Fancy; yet in his last Essay we only find such novel kind of Discourse between the Hind and Panther, as passes between the two Iudicious Grave-makers in Hamlet: In short, we meet nothing but a dull heap of Insipid stuff, so lamentably Ridiculous, that one could not in conscience desire to have an Adversary write worse: so that whatever advantages his Soul has made by the exchange of his Religion (though I wonder in my heart how that queasy stomach of his, which about See the Preface before the Religio Laici. four years ago could hardly digest the Apostles Creed, should now be able to digest not only that, and Athanasius's Creed, but a [Page] more unpalatable one of Pope Pius's making) his Muse I am sure is sensibly the worse. Were I his Confessor, who am only his Adviser, I should prescribe him no other Pennance for every Transgression, than to make me a Copy of such miserable Doggerel toties quoties, which I believe would be Mortification enough for him; and the reading of them, I'm sure would be sufficient Pennance to my self. But after all, perhaps Mr. Bays writ for the Irish Nation, and then he's to be excused, for he that writes to please the relish of that Noble Kingdom, must do the same by his Wit and Language, as Valerius Poplicola did with his House, even level it to the ground.

I met the other day a certain passage in Monsieur Montaign's Essays, which I little imagin'd to have found in an Author of his Gravity; he is pleased to be angry with Carvers and Statuaries, for making the nudities of their Images so large: for (says he) the Ladies who form an Idea of the Abilities of Mankind by such exterior representations, must certainly find themselves extremely disappointed, when they come to consult the Originals. This so strange a passage, as I said before, one wou'd scarce expect to meet in Montaign; and indeed, with respect to the memory of so great a man, it is extravagant enough in all conscience. But Mr. Bays in his Preface, before the second part of the late Printed by Tonson. 1685. Miscellanies, has as much out done this, and any thing that was ever said in the World, as a Heroe of his own begetting, Almanzor by name, has exceeded all the Bullies before him. On one side of the page, he appears with extraordinary Zeal for the Immortality of the Soul. What considering Person (says he) who observes how Fools and Knaves batten in the World, while men of Merit and Integrity (meaning himself I suppose) starve and are despised, can suppose that there are not allowances to be made in another? That is, because Mr. Bays missed of his Eaton-preferment, he was humbly content to expect his reward elsewhere; and truly I am so much of his Opinion, as to think he is to expect it in another World: On the other side of the Leaf, as if his Petronius Arbiter had got the Weather-gage of Thomas [Page]a Kempis, he makes you a very formal Apology for Translating a certain luscious part of Lucretius (he could not find in his heart, he tells you, to give it a worse name) though some people are apt to believe it ought only to keep company with Culpeppers Midwife, or the English Translation of Aloysia Sigea. If Mr. Bays would have been rul'd by me, that very moment when he fell from the highest step of Jacobs Ladder, and from a grave contemplation of Eternity could on the sudden condescend and truckle to the Patronage of down-right obscenity; he should not have made so small a leap on't, as to have vaulted over the little Rubicon that parts the Reformed Churches, and the Church of Rome, (for that had been too inconsiderable a performance for a man of his Agility) but have gone over in good earnest to Mahomets Church, who makes that business he so pathetically there describes, one of the chiefest rewards for his Disciples in the next World: And who knows but this may come to pass, things were not brought to an extremity when I left the Story. The worthy Gentlemen that have set him upon the Heroick design of writing the Hind and Panther (for I must beg Mr. Bays's pardon if I am so unmannerly as not to believe every thing he says in his Preface) have so far secured him to their Party, that he cannot in honour return to the Protestant Territories; they have cut off all hopes of a retreat from him; the back doors are shut, but the passage before is open enough, and the way to Meccha and Constantinople as easie to be found as ever; and I dare lay a wager that Mr. Bays is too much a Poet, not to pass the same judgment of his newest choice in Religion, as of his newest Plays, that the last is always the best.

To draw now to an end, Mr. Bays I hear has lately complained at Wills Coffee-house, of the ill usage he has met in the World: that whereas he had the generosity and assurance to set his own name to his late piece of Polemick Poetry, yet others who have pretended to answer him, wanted the breeding and civility to do the like. Now because I would not willingly disoblige a person of Mr. Bays's Character, I do here fairly, and before all the World, assure him that my Name is Dudly Tomkinson, and [Page] that I live within Two Miles of St. Michaels Mount in Cornwall and have in my time been both Constable, Church-Warden, and Overseer of the Parish, by the same token that the little Gallery next the Belfry, the new Motto about the Pulpit, the Kings Arms, the Ten Commandments, and the great Sun dial in the Church-yard, will transmit my name to all Posterity. Furthermore (if it will do him any good at all) I can make a pretty shift to read without Spectacles, wear my own Hair, which is somewhat inclining to Red, have a large Mole on my left Cheek, am mightily troubled with Corns, and what is peculiar to my constitution, after half a dozen Bottles of Claret, which I generally carry home every night from the Tavern; I never fail of a stool or two next morning: besides I use to smoke a Pipe every day after Dinner, and afterwards steal a Nap for an hour or two in the old Wicker-chair near the Oven, take gentle Purgatives spring and fall; and it has been my custom any time these sixteen years (as all the Parish can testifie) to ride in Gambadoes. Nay, to win the heart of him for ever, I invite him here before the Courteous Reader to a Country Regale (provided he will beforehand promise not to Debauch my Wife) where he shall have Sugar to his Roast-beef, and Vinegar to his Butter; and lastly, to make him amends for the tediousness of the Iourney, a parcel of Relicks to carry home with him, which I believe can scarce be matched in the whole Christian World; but because I have no great fancy that way, I don't care if I part with them to so worthy a Person: they are as followeth.

St. Gregory's Ritual, bound up in the same Calves-skin that the Old Gentleman in St. Luke Roasted at the return of his Prodigal Son.

The Quadrant that a Philistin Taylor took the heighe of Goliah by, when he made him his last Suit of Cloaths; for the Giant being a man of extraordinary dimensions, it was impossible to do this affair any other way than your designers use, when they take the height of a Country-steeple.

The Ioynt-stool that St. Christophers Barber stood upon when he shaved him. Now to satisfie Mr. Bays of the necessity the [Page] Barber had to make use of a Ioynt-stool in this affair, and that it was no foolish, malapert or arrogant humour in the Barber so to do, he is to understand that St. Christopher, if he were alive, could have drunk the Monument full of Mum for his mornings draught, with as much ease as the Presbyterian Divines swallow'd the Covenant; and if he wont believe me on my word, let him e'ne ride his Horse to Paris, and if St. Kits Statue in the Nostre Dame do not convince him of his error, I will give him free leave to swear before any Iustice of Peace that I am the Seditious Author of the Letter to the Dissenter.

A Knife of great Antiquity, the Handle of it is made with the same Ivory that Jupiter supplyed Pelops's Shoulder with; the Blade originally St. Peters Sword, fought by Pope Hildebrand, and Julius the Second, into a Dagger, and since converted into the use aforemention'd. If Mr. Bays should quarrel with the Handle, by reason of its Pagan extraction, he is to be informed that a certain Author, who has lately obliged the World with a learned discourse concerning the Catacombs at Rome, has demonstrated that worse Reliques, in all probability, are adored and worshipped every day in his Mother Church.

And now I find I have transgressed somewhat too much upon the Readers patience in so tedious a Preamble, but I have this comfort to carry along with me, that I deal with an Adversary, who cannot in Iustice reproach me for making a long Preface.

Information about this book

Title statement

The reasons of Mr. Bays changing his religion considered in a dialogue between Crites, Eugenius, and Mr. Bays.

Brown, Thomas, 1663-1704.

Edition statement

1688

Publication

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Text Creation Partnership,

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Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) :

Date

2003-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1).

ID [DLPS]

A29786

ID [STC]

Wing B5069

ID [STC]

ESTC R13524

ID [EEBO-CITATION]

12647979

ID [OCLC]

ocm 12647979

ID [VID]

65204

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(EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A29786)

Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 65204)

Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 345:16)

Source

— The reasons of Mr. Bays changing his religion considered in a dialogue between Crites, Eugenius, and Mr. Bays., Brown, Thomas, 1663-1704..

Extent

[13], 32 p.

Printed for S.T. ...,. London :: 1688.. (Satire by Thomas Brown on Dryden's conversion. Cf. DNB.) (Pts. 2 and 3 were later published as The late converts exposed, or, The reasons of Mr. Bays's changing his religion, and The reasons of Mr. Joseph Hains, the player's conversion & re-conversion. London, 1690.) (Reproduction of original in Huntington Library.)

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