I Should be loath to foule my fingers with any base Pamphlet that comes from Oxford, if the venom of their malicious spleenes were darted onely against my particular self: But when through my sides they wound the honour of the Parliament, and our Armies abroad, I cannot but set Pen to Paper, and pay them back again in their own kinde. And who d'yee think I should meet abroad for a Rogue in Print, but one of our City Water-rats, the doughty John Tayler, who according to the knavish Custome, changes his name upon every new paper-designe? Sometimes he calls himself Thorny Ailo, Mercurius Aquaticus, and now he entitles himself, NO MERCURIVS AULICUS, I thought I had lately sent rope enough for all the Parrets in Oxford: But I perceive they will be prat­ling still; and therefore I must unmaske the Mysterious Masters of the Science of railing. There are three grand paper-Conspirators well known by the Name of Mercurius Aulicus, George Naworth, and reverend Ma­ster John Tayler the Water-tankerd, by whose sprinklings in this great dearth of Wit and Honesty, the University is cherished and kept in cre­dit: These three are they which pumpe and Pimpe about with their pro­stitute Noddles in the behalf of Popery. Murder and Rebellion against the State; they are Liars in all Elements. Aulicus for Land-l [...]es, Tayler for Water, and hungry George Naworth, for all between Heaven and [Page 3] earth, where I doubt not but to see them all meet together, to take their farewell of the World, where the Parrets will finde Ropes made of strong­er Lines then mine, and such as will non-plus the very primest VVits in the University.

And now thou Thames Otter, thou Malignant Dive-dapper, thou Jack Tayler, thou Motley, Sea-green, Ditch-water villain, that hast more Malignant flowings and ebbings in thy Waterish Brains, then the Thames hath Tides; which makes thee as subject to Moon fits and Lunacy, as the besotted University itself, or as George Digby, when his plots fail, or as Rupert under the Influence of a plundering, or wenching Constellation; whose p [...]ricranium is fit for nothing but to make an Appendix to the signe of the Mare-maide Tav [...]rne at Carfoix: that very Taverne which for want of Wine, and money in the Courtiers pockets, which used to damne and swe [...]re the Drawers out of the Reckonings, is now very seasonably tur­ned into a fluent Magazine of Nectar, which according to the old Tran­slation, is y-cleped an Ale-house, which is the highest Title of honour that the best Rend [...]z-vouz of good fellowship can now attaine to in Oxford. In this place I understand that thou thy most Aquaticall self, and George of No-worth, alias Naworth, with whose dangerous Coxcombrian conceits (to speak Anagrammatically) I am in NO WRATH; and the preva­ricating, calumniating Mercurius Aulicus, doe meet together weekly to make Ducks and Drakes with your Sottish braines over Barley-broath; and muster up whole Regiments of Lies, Slanders, and ridiculous Quib­bles against the Parliament and City, and such as my self, who are sworne friends to their King and Countrey: And in stead of answering my Rope for a Parrot, thou and George Naworth have out of your drunken Ale­h [...]use humours, both combined together to be Fooles in Print; but I per­ceive that your language is as foggy and fulsome as your Ale, your con­ceits smell too much of the Malignant Onions and Garlick of Egypt, you have so much Irish and Spanish, that I cannot understand you with my Wits; for should they goe a rambling after your far-fetch'd conceits, perhaps I should never recover, or call them back againe.

Thou railest against Master Pym, and rakest in the ashes of the dead, most sacrilegiously rifling his grave of the honor due unto it: But I know that Malice and Envie survive the Funeralls of worthy men, as well as their vertues; and whereas thou talkest of receiving wages with Achitophell, and Machiavell, I tell thee that the day of Account and Receipt is not come as yet, though the declination of your Culminating signes and En­signes at York, is a shrew'd Prognostick that the time cannot be farre off. [Page 4] If thou wilt not beleeve this Prognostick of mine, what thinkest thou of your Idolized and Idolizing Marquesse of the North? He foresees this without Astronomy, and knowes not whether he had best arrive in Holland or Ire­land: What thinks Count (Saladine the Sarasen, cry you mercy, I meane) Palatine Rupert, the young man that speakes nothing but Dag­gers and Carbines, and commits nothing but out-ragious Cruelties a­gainst the best Subjects? VVhat think ye of the Achitophells, the Machia­vells, and Sanballats at Court, the Turkes of Ireland, and Infidells of Wales? They shall receive their wages, I warrant you, though none of their Pay.

Thou talkest of a Long-lie, a Short-lie, a Broad-lie, and a Round-lie, and of Cuckolds, and Coxcombes: But this variety of lying is proper to none but Courtiers: Thus Rupert hath made many Coxcombes, that have no more of Gentility or Nobility, but the bare out-side, to be Cuckolds, nay, and some of them contented ones too, very well contented to be dubb'd and Palatin'd, and this is his usuall kinde of lying: you have another kinde of lying, which is as common as lying a-bed, the Art of lying, and be-lying our Armies, the proper gift of your rebellious Faction. This is a speciall quality of yours too, Reverend Master (Prick-louse, cry you mercy, I forgot) Tayler; you are skill'd (you say) in the Syriack and A­rabian Tongues, yea, the very Aire of Oxford Colledges, and Schooles, the Authors you have read, the Books you have perused, and the Dictionaries you have poa [...]'d upon, have much illustrated, elevated, and illuminated your Intel­lect. But you are a Pagan villaine, to runne so farre as the reigne of S [...] ­nacherib for an Author (or rather a fiction) to confirm your Roguery, a little too farre for me to step, that have other businesse, than to give every knave an answer, and therefore I shall goe no farther than Mahomet and his Alcoran, and there I finde the word, Thorny Ailo, the wise Anagram of thy Name, to be thus Anatomized and Skellumatized. Thorny in the Ara­bicke, signifies a villaine, and Ailo in the Syriack a Rook, otherwise called in the Greek Abaddon, which being Englished, is a destructive Villaine; or an Antichristian Prick louse, which tacks together all sorts of Fustian, as im­ [...]udent lies, Sl [...]nders, and far-fetch'd Bumbast; in the behalfe of Popery: Thou art a most expert Tayler in this kinde, and canst easily take measure of the University Intellects, and fit their Phantasies with a paper-worke presently: But I will spoile your trading Sir, by being silent at any more fopperies which shall be sent abroad by thee, or thy companion Naworth; for to write against you, is to releive you, by giving you occasion to raise a fortune with scribling Pamphlets: But for this I'le take a course to starve you by my silence; I will not be so charitable, as to bestow another Rope upon such Parrets, nor spend my labour in vaine upon Rebells that are past cure.

[Page 5]But Pretheo Master Thorny Ailo Abaddon, or Abaddon Thorny Ailo, (take which end thou wilt foremost, and still thou art A Bad One) thy mistakes are as grosse as thy conceits: Sure you and Naworth had been liquoring your braines with Ale of the infusion of Opium, or for want of victualls, eaten a Sallet of Nightshade, Hemlock, and Poppy, with Unguen­tum Populeon, and Oyle of Alabaster in stead of Butter, some such sleepy, drowzie repast or other, that you could not open your eyes to read right, what I said concerning the conjunction of the 31 of May, but that you must mistake Iupiter for Mars, you print it to be the Coniunction of Saturne and Iupiter, but I said of Saturne and Mars, and my Prediction thereupon you call a Bug beare fear▪fool Prediction, and a lying Prognostication; But I leave the VVorld to iudge that: Have not the Authors of distraction and murder, been sufficiently punished from that time hitherto? VVere they not then driven out of Oxford, and ever since up and downe the King­dome? And have the Northern Incendiaries fared ever a whit better; their god-lesse Regiments being all dispersed, and the principall Abettors forced to seek their fortunes in forraign Parts. They had raised the flame to such a height, that the Kingdome began to be a little too hot for them.

But to say no more of this, seeing it is apparent, I will cut thee for the Simples throughly before I have done: Th [...]u say'st that Saul was sent to seek two Asses, and (not finding them) he found a Kingdome. But how did Saul play the Asse, and lose his Kingdome? VVas it not for saving Agag the King of the Amalekites alive, whom he should have destroyed as an utter enemy to Israel? VVhat shall we think then will become of that King, or those Counsellors, which have made Peace, and spoke friendly to those which have cut the throates of 200000. Israelites, I mean Protestants in Ireland? If I should Prognosticate on such a businesse a [...] this, what would become of them: and if Justice should suffer thee to live to see the event, thou wouldst then confesse that there were some more realities in my Predictions, than in the Bookes of Fortune, the Shepheards Kalendar, Erra Pater, Mother Shiptons Prophesies, or the long-ear'd Outacousticou of Albumazar.

I could willingly Prognosticate somwhat concerning thy villanous Self; and now I think on't, it is very neatly couch'd in the Anagram of thy name, and it is the very thing which the men of thy Element doe foretell of thee, and to this they say, there needs no Art, for they can doe it without the help either of Necromancy, or Hydromancie, having had experience too of­ten of your Bank side, and Beare-Gardes rogueries; and they all agree with one consent, that to—John Tayler,—Joyn Halter is a most [Page 6] compleat Anagram, than which none could ever have framed a better to speak thy deservings: But thou wilt except against this Anagram, as irre­gular, because that I place an E, where thou puttest an O, in spelling thy Sir-name; I will then deal critically with thee, and prove that thou are guil­ty of an Innovation or Corruption in thy Name; for all our Trades, Pro­fessions, Callings and Offices in England, doe for the generall, end in or, as Habberdasher, Ironmonger, Draper, Sculler, &c. and none of them in or; look in Holinshend his discription of England, and he tells us, that this Cu­stome was derived from the Saxon language, which Nation had once pos­session of this Iland: And therefore thy Name being the name of a Trade, ought sure rather to follow the generall, in being spelled Tayler, and not Taylor.

VVhat is the reason Sir, that you spell false? Is it because your Skellum­ship would not have the world to thinke, that your Pedegree was derived from such a Lowsy, Snip snap Originall, as to have thy Ancestors thought to be Taylers. Such an extract were too good for thee: No, thou art Tay­ler from the Tayle of the Dragon, which thou ran'st to Oxford, to lay hold on as the surest stay: And now that the Beast begins to be faint and weary, and is unable to support Popery any longer in England, you are even at your wits end: thou lookest toward London with a heavy heart, not for the offences and vilanies which thou hast committed here, and since thy departure, against this famous City; but because thou darest not come hither again to commit more, and play more pranks than thou hast done formerly. So that I suppose, thou art even ready to Joyn Halter in­deed for want of necessary maintenance; And therefore I'le expresse some Charity towards thee, though an enemy, and put thee into employ­ment: And because thou s [...]yest, that the seven Planets, and the twelve Celestiall Signes are all offended with me, I do constitute George Naworth Joynt-Commissioner with thee, to carry them, such Newes, which I know will be welcome to them, and be a means to procure thee a reward.

I prethee, in the first place, tell Jupiter, that hee spends his thunder in vaine, and that Vulcan knows not how to procure him any more Thun­der-bolts, unlesse he return to his Auncient Throne, in a lawfull Assembly of the Gods: And that whil'st he was abroad managing those tempests, which the anger of Iuno had raised, she stupified him by Circean enchant­ments, borrowed of the great Red Dragon, and mingled by the grand who­rish Cassiopaea in the Cup of Abominations. Tell Ursa Major, and Ursa Mi­nor, that when Endimyon Porter hath recovered of his madnesse, I have ap­pointed him to be their chief Beare-Ward, and thou thy self to be Sub-Bear-ward, [Page 7] that Mercury the Irishman may passe freely to Iupiters Court, without fear of being, Bugg [...] Bear'd by the way, and that he may have safe Conduct in Charles his Waine, through the Milky way, or the Purple way, no matter which, so he make haste. Petition Mars, that hee would favour Iupiters Cause so farre, as that the Protestant Religion may be maintained, according to the desire of Iuno, and no otherwise, in de­spight of inferiour Mortalls. Desire Venus that shee would recall her se­vere messenger, Morbus Gallicus from the Royall Army and Court, who is like to prove the ruine of the Campe and Cabinet-Councell: Especially remember to begge of Luna to with-hold her self in mists and thicke Cloudes, for since the Cavallers were soundly banged neere Yorke by Moon-shine, they will henceforth be ready to swoone at the sight of her, or grow Lunaticke, as men of no hope in this world, and of lesse in that which is to come. VVithall when thou hast dispatched this businesse, and art returned to thy friends at Oxford, carry them this Newes: That in my late return from my Astronomicall Journey, as I passed by the Twelve Signes, I perceived very few of them to be Malignant; but all sworne ene­mies to the desperate Cavalrie; Aries and Tayrus have so rammed up the way to heaven, and so guarded it, that they will gore any Cavalier that shall offer to passe: Gemini indeed would willingly entertain them, because they are of kin, being double every way, double-tongued, double-hear­ted, double-Religion'd, halfe one thing, half another, half Protestant, half Papist, or whole Athiest: But neighbouring Cancer will pinch and gripe them for their cruelties, and cast them into the den of Leo, where they shall be Plunder'd and tolmented, and never be suffer'd to Quarter in Virgo, (tell Rupert so, for that is his Heaven, his Turkish Paradise, and the only hope of his Religion.) And then Libra will weigh them all, the weight of whose Plundering cannot but b [...]eak the Scales; And then they shall be bitten by Scorpio, shot though with darts and Arrowes by Sagitta­rius, hamme-string'd by Capricorne, sowsed, duck't and pump'd by thy kinsman Aquarius, and then their blasphemous Tongues, and blood­guilty feet be bitten off, and devoured by Pisces, and so at length they may chance to be cook't in the Devills Frying-Pan.

And thus thou learned Metropolitan of villany, I have anatomized, and Skellumatized your ridiculous, roguing, and lying Pamphlet, which for this once, I have taken the paines to answer in thy own straine, being re­solved to be troubled no more by thee; for I have of late found out a Me­dicine which will cure thee and all thy Malignant Companions, of their railing and malignant fits. It is very good for purging away humours in [Page 8] the head, and will cure the Vertigo or Staggers in Religion, and cleare the eye-sight of the University, and cure them of the Surfiet, which they have taken of Protestantisme, and quench the Praeter-naturall thirst after Pope­ry and Slavery, and take away the obstructions of Reformation. Pray send the Bill to Her Majesties owne Apothecary, who will very carefully compound it.

• Of His Majesties Protestations.
• Of the Cabinet-Councells Honesty.
• Of Harry Iermyns Honour.
• Of Ruperts Religion.
• Of Digby's English heart, ana. 2. graines.
• Of Tompkins his Halter, Quantum suffocat.
• One of Her Maiesties good Intentions to the Kingdome.
• Two Arguments at Law, of Justice Heath's owne making.
• Two Ounces of the Irish Commission, and an ounce and an halfe of the VVaxe that sear'd it, and three Pen-fulls of the Inke that wrote it.
• I. Case of Conscience of Doctor Ferne, in the behalfe of Tyrani [...].
• I. Head-full of Mischiefes of Bristoll and Cottington.
• I. Heart-full of feares of the Iunto, and one pound of their slavery.
• Halfe a dramme of University Divinity, and one scruple of Chop't-Logick, and Hebrew Rootes, ana:
• 5. Gallons of Holy-Water, of the Vice-Chancellors owne Consecra­ting.

Boyle all these the length of a Masque at White-Hall, or rather of Cart-Wrights Propheticall Play, called the Royall Slave: Then stop it close with Surplesses, Copes and Hoods: So let it simper, like a Madam in her Night­cloathes, in the ashes of the next Town, which shall be fired for the Liber­ty of the Subiect: then straine it, and in stead of Syrupe, sweeten it with a Bucket or two of Irish Protestant Blood, that it may please the Palate, Drink three ounces of this Cursing and Swearing, and if it helpe not thee and thy friends to breathe out all your Malignant Humours, which have so intoxicated your Noddles with vile Conundrums: I must sit still admiring, and leave you to the Gallowes, the proper cure for such Rebells as thy self, that are past Cure.