A KNIGHTS Coniuring. Done in earnest: Discouered in Iest.

By Thomas Dekker.

LONDON, Printed by T. C. for VVilliam Barley, and are to be solde at his Shop in Gratious streete▪ 1607.

TO THE VERIE worthy Gentleman, Syr Thomas Glouer, Knight.

SIr, the loue I owe your name (for some fauours by mee re­ceiued from that noble-min­ded Gentleman (your kinse­man) wh [...] is now imploied vpon an honourable voiage into Turky) makes my labours presume they shal not be vnwelcome to you. If you please to read me ouer, you shall finde much mor­rall matter in words merily [...]et down: and a serious subiect inclosde in applications that (to some, whose salt of iudgement is taken off) may appeare but triuiall and ridiculous. The streame of custome (which flows through al kingdoms amongst schol­lers in this fashion) beares mee forward and [Page] vp in this boldnes: It being as common to seeke patrons to bookes, as Godfathers to children. Yet the fashion of some patrons (especially those that doate more vpon mo­ny, who is a common harlot; then on the Muses who are pure maides, but poore ones) is to receiue bookes with cold hands & hot liuers: they giue nothing, and yet haue red cheekes for anger, when any thing is giuen to them. I take you (Sir) to bee none of that race: the world bestowes vpon you a more worthy Caracter. If the Art of my Pen can (by any better labour) heighten yo [...]r name and memory, you shall find my loue.

Most readie to be all, yours, Tho: Dekker.

To the Reader.

AN Epistle to the Reader, is but the same propertie, that a linck is to a man walking home late: he hopes by that, and good words (tho he be examined) to passe without danger, yet when he comes to the gates, if hee meete with a porter that is an Asse, or with a consta­ble, that loues to lay about him with his staffe of authoritie, more then he needes, then let the partie, that stumbles into these prouinces or puddels of ignorance, bee sure either to bee strucke downe with bar­barisme (which cutteth worse then a browne bill) or to be committed and haue the seuerest censure laide vpon him; let him bee neuer so well and so ciuilly bound vp in faire behauiour: though hee be a man euen printed in the best complements of courtesie; tho he giue neuer so many and so sweet languages, yea and haue all the light of vnder­standing to lead him home; yet those Spirits of the night, will hale him away, and cast him into darkenesse. In the selfe-same scuruey manner doe the world handle poore bookes: when a Reader is intreated to bee curteous, hee growes v [...]ciuil: if you sue to his worship, and giue him the stile of Candido Lector [...]; then hee's proud, and cries mew: If you write merily, he cals you Bu [...]on; seriously, he swears such stuffe cannot be yours. But the best is, that as in Spaine you shall haue fellowes for a small peece of siluer, take the S [...]rappado, to endure which torture, another man could not be hyrde with a kingdome; so they that haue once or twice lyen vpon the rack of publicke censure, of all other deaths, doe least feare that vpon the Presse▪ Of that Wi [...]g

[Page]I hold my selfe one: and therfore (Reader) doe I once more stand at the marke of Criticisme (and of thy bolt) to bee shot at, I haue Armour enough about mee, that war­rants me [...] not to bee fearefull, and yet so well tempe­red to my courage, that I will not bee too bolde. Enuie (in these ciuill warres,) may hit me, but not hurt mee: Calumny may wound my name, but not kill my la­bours; proude of which, my care is the lesse, because I can as proudly boast with the Poet, that Non [...] bee [...]words [...] mori.

Tho: Dekker.

A KNIGHTS Coniuring.


To enlarge Golde, theres a petition writ,
The Diuell knowes not how to answer it:
Hee chafes to come in print: In which mad Straine,
(Roaring) hee hea [...]long runnes to Hell againe.

IN one of those mornings of the yere, wherin the Earth breathes out richer pe [...]fumes then those that prepare the wayes of Prin­ces: by the wholesomnesse of whose Sent, the distempered windes (purging their able bo­dies) ran too and fro, whistling for ioye through the leaues of trees; whilst the Nightingale sate on the branches complaining against lust; the Spar­row cherping on the tops of houses, proude that lust (which he loues) was maintained there: whilst sheepe lay nibling in the valleys, to teach men hu [...]mility; and goates climbing vp to the tops of bar­ren [Page] mountaines, browzed there vpon weedes and barkes of trees, to shew the misery of Ambition: Iust at that time when Lambes were wanton as yong wiues, but not lasciuious▪ when shepherds had care to feede their flockes, but not to fliec [...] them: when the Larke had with his musicke calld vp the Sun, and the Sun with his light, started vp the husband man: then, euen [...]hen, when it was a morning to tempt Ioue to leap from heauen, & to goe a wenching; or to make wenc [...]s leaue their softe beds, to haue greene gownes geuen them in the fields. Behold on a sudden the caues where the most vnruly and boisterous windes lay impri­soned, were violently burst open: they being got loose; the waters roard with feare of that insurrec­tion, the element shot out thunder in disdayne of their threatning: the sturdiest oakes were thē glad to bow & stand quiuering; onely the haw-thorne & the bryer for their humblenes were out of dan­ger: So dreadfull a furie lead forth this tempest, that had not the Rainebowt beene a watermarke to the world, Men would haue looked for a second Deluge: for showre came downe so [...]ast, as if all clowdes had bin distild into water, & would haue hid their curled heads in the Sea, whilst the waues (in corne to see themselues so beaten downe) boylde vp to such height, as if they meant that all men should swarm in heauen, and shippes to sayle in the Skie. To make these terrors more heauie, the Sun pulld in his head, and durst not be seene, darknes then in [...]riumph, spred her pitchie wings, [Page] and lay vpon all the earth: the blacknes of Night was doubled vpon high Noone: Beasts (beeing not wont to beholde such sightes,) bellowed and were mad: women ran out of their wits, children into their mothers bosomes: Men were amazed▪ and held vp their hands to heauen, yet were veri­lie perswaded that heauen was consumde to no­thing, because they could not see it: but to put them out of that error, Ioue threwe downe his for­ked dartes of lightning so thickly, that [...]imple fel­lowes swore there could bee no more fire left in heauen: So that the world shewd as if it had bin halfe drowning, and halfe burning: the waters striuing to haue victory ouer the flames▪ and they sweating as fast to drink dri [...] the waters. To con­clude, this Tragedie was so long a playing, & was so dismall, the Scoene was so turbulent and was so affrighting: This battaile of Elements, bred such another Chaos, that (not to bee ashamde to bor­row the wordes of so rare an English Spirit,)

Did not GOD say
Another Fiat, It had n'ere been day.

The storme beeing at rest, what buying vp of Almanacks was there to see if the weather-casters had playd the Doctors to a haire, & told this ter­rible disease of Nature right or no: but there could be found no such matter: the celestiall bodies for any thing St [...]r-ca [...]chers knew, were in very good health: the 12. Signes were not beaten downe from any of the houses in heauen: the Sun lookt with as cherry cheekes as euer he did: the Moone [Page] with as plump a face: It could not be found by all the figures which their Prognostications cast vp their accounts by, that any such heauy reckoning was due to the wickednes of the world: whervp­on all men stood staring one in anothers face, not knowing how to turne this hard matter into good English. At length, the gun-powder was smelt out, and the trayne discouered. It was knowne for certain, that (tho there was no pla [...]e lost) there was coniuring abroad, and therefore that was the dambd diuell in the vault that digd vp all this mis­chiefe. But wherabouts think you, was this Con­iuring? Mary it goes for currant all ouer Powles church-yard (and I hope there comes no lies) that this Coniuring was about a Knight. It was not (let me tell you) a Knight of worship, or a Knight that goes by water, or rides by land to Westminster: but it was a Westminster-hall knight, a swearing knight, or (not to allow him that honor, for hee is no true knight that cannot [...]weare) this was a knight for­sworne, a poore knight, a periurde knight, a knight of the Po [...]. This yeoman of both Counters, had long agoe bin sen [...] with a letter to the Diuell, but no answere could euer be heard off: so that some mad fellowes layd their heads together, & swore to fetch him from Hell with a vengeance, and for that cause kept they thi [...] Coniuring.

The occasion of sending the letter grew thus: the temple of the Muses (for want of looking to) falling to decay, & many (that seemd to hate Bar­ [...]arisme and Ignor ance) beeing desirous to set work­men [Page] about it, and to repaire it, but hauing other buildings of their owne in hand, vtterly gaue it o­uer. A Common Councell was therfore call'd of all those that liu'de by their witts, and such as were of the liuery of Learning, amongst whom, it was found necessarie, (sithence those that had mony enough were loath to part from it,) that to ease the priuate puise, a generall subsidy as it were, should be leuyed through all the Worlde, for the raizing of such a competent Summe as might maintaine the saide Almes-house of the Nine Systers, in good fashion, and keepe it from falling. The collectors of this money, labourde till they swet [...]e, but the Haruest would not come in, nothing could bee gathered. Gentlemen swore by their bloud, & by the tombs of their ancestors, they would not lay out a peny: they had nothing to doe (they said) with the Mu­ses, they were meere strangers to them, and why should they be assessed to paye any thing towards the reliefe of such lazy companions? there was no wit in it. A number of Noble men were of the same opinion. As for Lawyers, they knew there was no Statute in anie Kings time, could compell them to disburse; & besides they were euery day purchasing thēselues, so that it were folly to looke for any mony from them. Soldiers swore by their Armes (which were most lamentablie out at el­bowes) that they would be glad of mony to bu [...]prouant: Peace they said, had made them begg [...]r and suffered them almost to starue in her streetes yet some of them went vpon lame wodden legs, [Page] because their Country might goe sound and vp­right vpon their own: they (pore wretches) wan­ted Action, and yet had a number of Actions a­gainst them, yea & were ebbed so lowe, that Cap­tens gaue ouer their charges, & were lead by Ser­ieants, no siluer therefore could be coynde out of them. Schollers could haue found in their hearts to haue made mony of their bookes, gownes, cor­ner caps, & bedding, to haue payde their share to­wards this worke of Charitie, but men held all that was theirs (howe good soeuer,) in such vile con­tēpt, that not euen those who vpon a good pawne will lend money to the Diuell, (I meane Brokers) would to them part with any coyne, vpon any In­terest, so much did they hate the poore wenches and their followers.

This matter beeing openly complainde vpon, at the Parliament of the Gods, It was there pre­sently enacted, that Apollo (out of whose brayne Wisemen come into the world) shuld with all speed descend, and preuent this mischiefe: least Sacred Knowledge, hauing her Intellectuall soule banished from the earth, hauing no house to dwel in there, the earth should (as of necessity it would) turne in­to the first Chaos, and Men into Gyants, to fight a­gaine with the Gods. Mercury likewise, for the same purpose, was forthwith sent from the whole Synode, as Embassadour to Plutus (who is mon [...]y­maister of those Lowe Countreyes of Lymbo) to [...]r­swade him by all the eloquence that Hermes co [...]ld vse, that Gold might be suffred to haue a little more [Page] liberty: And that schollers for want of his sweete and royall company, might not be driuen to walk in thred-bare cloakes, to the dishonor of Learning; nor goe all their life time with a lanthorne & can­dle to find the Philosophers stone (out of which they are able if they could hit it, to strike such sparks of gold, that all the world should be the wa [...]mer for it, nay to begger the Iudges) yet in the end to die arra [...]t beggers themselues. For you must vnder­stand, that tho the Muses are held of no reckoning here vpon earth, but are set below the Salt, when Asses sit at the vpper ende of the table, yet are they borne of a heauenlie race, and are most welcome guests euen to the banquets of the Gods.

The diuine Singer (Apollo) according to the De­cree of the Coelestiall vpper House, is now aliue come vpon earth: the fountaines of Science flowe (by his influence) & swell to the brim: Baye trees to make garlandes for Learning, are newe set, and alreadie are greene, the Muses haue fresh cullours in their cheekes; their Temple is promised to be made more faire: there is good hope that Ignorance shall no longer weare Sattin. But for all this, Mercury with all his Coniuring, cannot raise vp the yellowe spi [...]it of Gold out of Hell, so perfectly as was expe­cted: he puts vp his bright & a [...]ia [...]le face aboue ground, and shrincks it downe againe, ere one can ca [...]e him by the lockes. Which mockery the world taking note of, a mad Greeke that had drunk of the Holy water, and was full of the Diuine Furie, taking a deep bowle of the Helliconian liquor in his [Page] hands, did in a brauery write a Supplication in the behalfe of Gold for his enlargement, vowing that hee would spend all his bloud into yncke, and his braines to cotton, but he would haue an answere, and not according to the manner of Suiters, bee borne off with delayes.

The petition being ingrossed, he thought none could run faster to hell, nor be sooner let in there, then either a Pander, a Broker, or a knight of the Post, had made choise therfore of the last because of his name, & sent it by him, who belike hauing much to doe with the Diuell, could not of a long time be heard of, and for that cause was all that Coniu­ring, which I spoke of before.

Wherevpon (entring into consideration, what shifts and shapes men run into, what basenes they put on, through what dangers they venture, hold much of their fames, their conscience, their liues, yea of their houses, they will laye out to purchase that piece of Heauenly earth (Golde,) the strange Magick of it draue me straight into a strange ad­miration. I perceiu'de it to be a witch-craft be­yond mans power to contend with: a Torrent whose winding creekes were not with safety to be searcht out: a poyson that had a thousand contra­rie workings on a thousand bodies: for it turnes those that keepe it prisoner in chests, into Slaues, and Idolaters, they make it their god and worship it; and yet euen those that become such Slaues vnto it, doth it make soueraine commanders ouer a world of people: some for the loue of it would [Page] pluck downe heauen, others to ouertake it, runne quick to hell. But (alas) if a good head hammer out these Ir [...]ns with skill, they are not so hard: It is not so monstrous a birth to see Gol [...] create men so de [...]ormed: for this strompet the world hath tricks as wanton as these: he that euery night lyes by the sides of one fairer then Vulcans wife, hath been taken the next morning in the Sheetes of a Blackamore: Nay euen in those currants that run fullest of Ceremony, theres a flowing ouer of Apish­nes and folly: for (like Riders of great horses) all our Courses are but Figures of 8: the end of one giddie Circle, is but a falling into a worse, & that to which on this day we allow a religiou [...] obseruance, to mor­rowe doe we make the selfe-same thing ridiculous, For you see at the end of great Battailes wee fall to burie the dead, and at the ende of Burialls, wee sit downe to Banquets: when banquets haue beene playd about, Drinking is the next weapon; from the fire o [...] drinking, flames out Quarrell; Quarrell breakes forth into Fighting, and the streame of Fighting runn [...]s into Bloud.

This Forr [...]st of Man and beast (the World) bee­ing then so wilde, and the most perfect Circles of it, drawne so irregualler [...] It can be no great sawcines in me, if snatching the Constables staffe out of his hand, I take vpon mee to make a busie priuy s [...]rch in the Suburbs of Sathan, for the supplica­tion-caryer, and to publish the answer to the world, that should come with him. Into the which trou­blesome sea, I am the more desperatly bold to lanch [Page] forth, & to hoyst vp the full sailes of my inuētion, because (as Rumor goes gossiping vp and downe) great wagers were laide in the worlde, &c: that when the supplication was sent, it would not be re­ceiued, or if receiued, it would not be reade o­uer; or if read ouer, it would not be answered: [...]or Mammon beeing the god of no beggers, but Burgomasters & rich Cormorāts, was worse thought of then he deserued: Euery man that did but passe through Pauls church-yard, & had but a glance at the title of the petition, would haue betted ten to fiue, that the Diuell would hardly, (like a Lawyer in a busy Terme) be spoken with, because his Cli­ent had not a penny to pay Fees,The Diuell [...]he b [...]st fe [...] ­ [...]er, & very apt to q [...]ar­rell. but sued in For­ma pauperis.

Had it bene a Challenge, it is cleare, he would haue answered it: for hee was the first that kept a Fence schoole, when Cayn was aliue, and taught him that Embrocado, by which he kild his brother: Since which time, he hath made ten thousand Free­schollers as cunning as Cayn. At sword and buckler, little Dauy was no body to him, and as for Rapier & Dagger, the Germane may be his iourneyman. Mary the question is, in which of the Playhouses he would haue performed his Prize, if it had growne to blowes, & whether the money being gathered, hee would haue cozende the Fencers, or the Fen­cers him, because Hell beeing vnder euerie one of their Stages, the Players (if they had owed him a spight) might with a false trap-dore haue slipt him down, & there haue kept him as a laughing-stock [Page] to all their yawning Spectators. Or had his I [...] ­ [...]er [...]allship ben arrested to any action how great so euer, all the Lawe in Westminster [...]hall could not haue kept him from appearing to it (for the Diuell scornes to be nonsuited) he would haue answered that too:He can se [...] [...]on [...] to picad for him. But the mischiefe would haue beene, where should hee haue got anie that would haue pleaded for him? who could haue endured to see such a dānable Cliant euery morning in his cham­ber? what waterman (for double his fare) would haue landed him at the Temple, He keepes no Watermen. but rather haue strucke in at White-Fryers, & left him there a shore with a Poxe to him? Tush: there was no such mat­ter, the streame hee was to enter into, was not so daungero [...]s, this Coyner of Light Angels knewe well enough how the Exchaunge went, he had but bare words lent vnto him, and to pay bare wordes againe (though with some Interest) it could be no losse.

He resolued therefore to aunswere his humble Orator: But being himselfe no [...] brought vp to lear­ning (for the Diuell can neither write not reade) yet he has ben at all the Vniuersities in Christendom, & throwne dānable Heresies (like bo [...]es for dogges to gnaw vpon, amongst the Doctors themselues:) but hauing no skill but in his owne Horne booke, it troubled his mind where he should get a pen-man [...] fit for his tooth to scrible for him, all the Scriue­ners i [...]th towne he had at his becke, but they were so set a worke with making bonds betweene Vsu­rers and Vnthristy heyres, between Marcha [...]ts and [Page] Trades-men, (that to couzen and vndoe others, turne Bank-rowtes themselues, and defeate Cre­d [...]ouis) and with drawing close conueyances be­tweene Land-lordes and Bawdes, that nowe sit no longer vpon the Skyrtes of the Cittie, but iette vp vp and downe, euen in the cloake of the Cittie, and giue more rent for a house, then the prow­dest London occupyer of them all, that Don Lucifer was loath to take them from their Nouerints, be­cause in the ende he knewe they were but his Fa­ctors, and that he should be a part-owner in their lading, himselfe; Lawiers clarks were so durtied vp to the hammes, with trudging vp & downe to get pelfe, & with fishing for gudgeons, and so wrung poore ignorant Clyents purses, with exacting vn­reasonable Fees, that the Paye-maister of Perdition would by no meanes take them from their wide lines, and bursten-bellyed straggling [...]ffs, but stro­king them vnder the chinnes, calld them his white boyes, and tolde them he would empty the ynke­pot of some others.

Whether then marches Monsieur Malefico? Mary to all the wryting Schoole-maisters of the towne, he tooke them by the fists, and lik'de their handes exceedingly (for some of them had ten or twelue seuerall hands, and co [...]ld counterfeit any thing, but perceiuing by the copies of their coun­tenances, that for all their good letters, they writ abominable bad English, & that the world would thinke the Diuell a Dunce, if there came false Or­thographi [...] from him (though [...]here be no truth in [Page] his budget) away hee gallops from those tell-tales (the Schoolmaisters) damning himselfe to the pit of Hell, if any scribling petition wryter, should e­uer get a good word at his hands.

I hearing this, and fearing that the poore Sup­pliant should loose his longing, and be sent away with Sinihilattuleris, resolued to doe that for no­thing, which a number would not for any mony.

I sell to my [...]ooles, (pen, ink, and paper) round­lie, but the Headward [...]n of the Horners (Signior Be­co Dia [...]olo) after hee had cast vp what lay in his sto­mack, suspecting that I came rather as a spie to be­traye him, then as a spirit to runne of his errands, and that I was more likely to haue him to Barber Surgeons hall, there to Anatomize him, then to a Barbers shop to trimme him neately, would by no meanes haue the answere go forward: Notwith­standing, hauing examined him vpon Interroga­tories, and thereby sifting him to the very bran, I swore by Hellicon, (which hee could neuer abide) that beca [...]e t'is out of fashion to bring a Diuell vpon the Stage, be should (spite of his spitting fire and Brimstone,) be a Diuell in print. Inraged at which, he flu [...]g away in a furie, and leapt into Ba­rathrum, whil'st I mustred all my wits about mee, to fight against this Captaine of the damned Crewe, and discouer [...]is Stratagems.


Don Luciser [...] acquaintance soone is got,
At London or at Westminster: where not?
Hells Map is drawne, In which it does appeare,
Where Hell does lye, and who they are, liue there.

WOnder is the daughter of Igno­rance, none bu [...] [...]ooles will mar­uell, how I and this Grand Sophy of the whore of Babilon came to be to familiar together, or how we met, or howe I knewe where to find him, or what Charmes I car­ried about mee whil'st I talkt with him, or where (if one had occasion to vse his Diuellsh [...]p) a Porter might fetch him with a wet finger.

Tush, these are silly inquisitions; his acquain­tance is more cheape, then a common Fidlers; his lodging is more knowne then an English bawdes,The Diuells Rendev [...]us. a midwiues, or a phisitions; and his walkes more open to all Nations, thē those vpon the Exchange, where at euery step a man is put in mind of Babell, there is such a confusion of languages. For in the Terme time, my Cauailiero Cornuto runs sweating vp & downe between Temple barre & Westminster hall, in the habite of a knight Errant, a swearing knight, or a knight of the Poste: All the Vacation you may either meet him at the Dycing Ordinaryes, like a Captaine, at Cockpits, like a young countrey [Page] Gentleman; or else at Bowling-Alleys in a flat cap, like a shopkeeper: euery market day you may take him in Cheap [...]side, poorely attyrde like an Ingrosser, and in the afternoones, in the two peny [...] roomes of a Play-house, like a Puny, seated Check by Iowle with a Punke: In the heate of Sommer hee com­monlie turnes Intelligencer, and carries tales be­tweene the Arch-duke and the Graue: In the depth of Winter, hee sits tipling with the Flemmings in their townes of Garrison.

Hauing therefore (as Chamber-maides vse to doe for their Ladies faces ouer night) make ready my cullors, the pencell being in my hand, my Carde lined, my Needle (that capers ouer two and thirty pointes of the Compas) toucht to the quicke, East, West, North, and Sout [...], the foure Trumpetters of the Worlde, that neuer blowe themselues out of breath, like foure dropsie Dutch Captaines standing Cent [...]nells in their quarters, I will ingenuously and boldely giue you the Map of a country, that lyes lower then the 17. valleys of Be [...]gia, yea lower then the Cole-pits of Newe castle, is farre more darke, farre more dreadfull, and fuller of knauerie, then the Colliers of those fire-workes are.

The name of this straunge Countrey is Hell, Description of Hell. In disouery of which, the Quality of the kingdom, the condition of the Prince, the estate of the peo­ple, the Traffique thither, (marie no transporting of goods from thence) shall be painted to the life. It is an Empire, that lyes vnder the Torria Zone, and by that meanes is hotter at Christmas, then t'is in [Page] Spaine or France (which are counted plaguy hotte Countreyes) at Midsommer, or in England when the Dogge-daies bite sorest: for to saie truth (be­cause t'is sinne to belye t'i [...]s [...] Dinell) the Vniuersall Region is built altogether vppon Stoues and Hotte-houses, you cannot set loote into it, but you haue a Fieri facias seru'de vpon you: for like the Glasse-house Furnace in Blacke-friers, the bone-fires that are kept there, neuer goe out; insomuch that all the Inhabitants are almost broyld like Carbonadoes with the sweatting sicknes, but the best is, (or ra­ther the worst) none of them die on't.

And such dangerous hot shortes are all the wo­men there, that whosoeuer meddles with anie of them is sure to be burnt: It stands farther off then the Indies: yet to see the wonderfull power of Na­uigation, if you haue but a side-winde, you may [...]aile sooner thither, than a married man can vpon St; Lukes day to Cuckolds hauen, from St: Katherins, which vpon sound experience, and [...]y the opini­on of many good Marriners, may be done in lesse than haife an hower. If you trauell by land to it, the wayes a [...]e de [...]icate, euen, spatious, and very faire, but toward the end [...] very fowle: the pathes are beaten more ba [...]e then the liuing; of Church­men. Y [...]u neuer, turne, when you are trauelling thither, but keepe altogether on the left hand, so that you cannot lose your selfe, vnlesse you despe­rately doe it of purpose.

The miles are not halfe so long as those be­tweene Colchester & Ipswich in England, nor a quar­ter [Page] so durty in the wrath of Winter, as your Fren [...] miles are at the fall of the leafe.

Some say, it is an Iland, embrac'de about with certaine Riuers, called the waters of Sorrowe: O­thers proue by infallible Demonstration, that t'is a Continent, but so little beholding to Heauen, that the Sunne neuer comes amongst them.

Howe so euer it be, this is certaine,What Per­sont are there that t'is ex­ceeding rich, for all Vsurers both Iewes and Chri­stians, after they haue made away their Soules for money here, meete with them there againe: You haue of all Trades, of all Professions, of all States some there: you haue Popes there, aswell as here: Lords there, as well as here: Knights there, as well as here: Aldermen there, as well as here: Ladies there, as well as here: Lawyers there, as wel as here: Souldiers marche there by myllions, so doe Citi­zens, so doe Farmers, very fewe Poets can be suf­fered to liue there, the Colonell of Coniurers dryues them out of his Circle, because hee feares they'le wryte Libells against him: yet some pitti [...]ull fel­lowes (that haue faces like fire-drakes, but wittes colde as whetstones, and more blunt) not Poets indeed, but ballad makers, rub out there, & write Infernalls: Marrie players swarme there as they doe heere, whose occupation beeing smelt out, by the Cacodaemon, or head Officer of the Countrey, to be lucratiue, hee purposes to make vp a compa­nie, and to be chiefe sharer himselfe, De quibus su [...] loc [...], of whose doings you shall heare more by the next Carrier: but heeres the mischiefe, you may [Page] finde the waye thither, though you were blinder then Super stition, you may be set ashore there, for lesse then a Scullers fare: Any Vinteners boye, that has beene cup-bearer to one of the 7. deadly sinnes but halfe his yeeres, any Marchant of mai­den-heads, that brings commodities out of Virgi­nia, can direct you thither: But neither they, nor the weather-beatenst Cosmographicall Starre-cat­cher of em all, can take his oath, that it lyes iust vn­der such an Horizon, whereby manie are brought into a Fooles Paradice, by gladlie beleeuing that either ther's no such place at all, or els that t'is built by Inchauntment, and stands vpon Fayrie ground, by reason such pinching and nipping is known to be there, and that how well-fauoured soeuer wee departe hence, we are turn'd to Changelings, if we tarry there but a minute.

These Territories, notwithstanding of Tartarie, will I vndermine and blowe vp to the viewe of all eyes, the blacke and dismall shores of this Phlege­tonticke Ocean, shalbe in ken, as plainly as the white (now vnmaidend brests of our own Iland) China, Peru, and Cartagena, were neuer so ri [...]led: the win­nings of Cales, was nothing to the winning of this Troy that's all on fire: the very bowels of these In­fernall Antipodes, shalbe ript vp, and pull'd out, be­fore that great Dego of Diuells his owne face: Nay, since my flag of defiance is hung forth, I will yeelde to no truce, but with such Tamburlaine-like furie, march against this great Turke, and his legi­ons, that Don Beelzehub shall be ready to damme [Page] himselfe, and be horne-mad: for with the coniu­ring of my pen, all Hell shall breake loose.

Assist mee therefore, thou Genius of that ven­trous, but iealous Musicion of Thrace (Euridices husband,) who beeing besotted on his wife, (of which sin none but Cuckoldes should be guiltie) went aliue (with his Fiddle at's backe) to see if hee could baile her out of that Adamantine pri [...]on; the fees he was to pay for her, were Iigs and countrey daunces: he paid them: the forfeits, if he put on yellow stockings, & look't back vpon her, was her euerlasting lying there, without bayle or Mayne­prize: the louing Coxcomb could not choose but looke backe, and so lost her, (perhaps hee did it, because he would be rid of her.) The Morall of which is, that if a man leaue his owne busines, and haue an eye to his wiues dooings, sheele giue him the slip, though she runne to the Diuell for her la­bour. Such a iourney (sweet Orpheus) am I to vn­dertake, but Ioue forbid my occasion shuld be like thine, for if the Marshall himselfe should rake Hell for wenches, he could not finde worse, (no nor so bad) there, as are heere vpon earth. It were pitie that any woman should be damn'd, for she would haue trickes (once in a moone,) to put the Diue I out of his wits. Thou (most cleare throated sin­glngman,) with thy Harpe, (to the twinckling of which, inferior Spirits skipt like Goates ou [...] the Welsh mountaines) hadst priuiledge, because tho [...] wert a Fiddler to be sawcy, & to passe and repass [...] through euery roome and into euery noo [...] [...] the [Page] Diuels wine-celler: Inspire mee therefore with thy cunning that carryed thee thither, and thy courage that brought thee from thence, teache mee which way thou went'st in, and howe thou scapt'st out, guide me in true fingering, that I may strike those tunes which thou plaid'st, (euery din­ner and supper) before that Emperor of Lowe Ger­manie, and the brabbling States vnder him: Luci­fer himselfe danced a Lancashire Horne-pipe, whil'st thou wert there. If I can but Harpe vppon thy string, he shall now for my pleasure tickle vp the Spanish Pauin. I will call vppon no Midwiues to help me in those Throws, which (after my braines are fallen in labour) I must suffer, (yet Midwiues may be had vp at all howers,) nor vpon any con­iurer, (yet Coniurers thou know'st, are fellowe and fellow-like, with Mounsieur Malediction, as Puncks are, who raise him likewise vp continu­ally in their Circaean Circles) or as Brokers are, who both day and night studie the blacke Arte: No, no, (thou Mr: of thy Musicall companie,) I sue to none, (but to thee, because of thy Prick­song:) For Poetrie (like Honestie and olde Soul­diers) goes vpon lame feete, vnlesse there be mu­sicke in her.

But the best is, Facilis descensus Auerni, It's but slipping downe a hill, and you shall fall into the Diuells lappe presently. And that's the reason, (because his Sinfulnesse is so double diligent, as to bee at your elbowe with a call, wherein he giues [Page] good examples to Drawers, if they had grace to followe his steppes) that you swallow downe that Newes first, which should be eaten last: For you see at the beginning, the Diuell is read [...]e to open his mouth for an Answere, before his howre is come to be set to the Barre.

Since therefore, a Tale of the whole voyage would make any liquorish mouth'd News-mon­ger like his lippes after it, no mans teeth shall wa­ter any longer, hee shall haue it; for a very briefe Cronicle shall be gathered, of all the memorable occurrents, that presented themselues to the view of our wandring Knight in his iorney, the second part of Erra Paters Almanack, whose shooes Platoes Cap was not worthie to wipe, shall come forth, and without lying, (as you Calendermongers vse to doe,) tell what weather wee had all the way he went, to a drop of raine: wee will not loose him from the first minute of his iumping a ship-bo [...]d, to the last of his leaping a shore, and arriuall at Tamor Chams Court (his good Lord and Maister) the Diuell.


Hells Post through London rydes: by a mad crewe,
Hees calld into a Tauerne: In which view
They drinke and raile: each of them by the Post
Sends a strange message to his Fathers Ghost.

THe Post therefore, hauing put vp his packet, blowes his horne, & gallops all the way like a Citizen, so soone as euer hee's on horse­back, downe to Billingsgate, for he meant when the Tide seru'de to angle for Soules, and some o­ther fresh fish in that goodly fish-pond the Thames, as he passed ouer it, in Grauesend-barge: that was the water-coach he would ride in, there he knewe he should meet with some voluntaries that would venture along with him: In this passage through the Citty, what a number of Lord Mayors, Alder­mens, and rich Commoners sonnes & heires kept hollowing out at Tauernwindows to our knight, and wafted him to their Gascoigne shores, with their hats only (for they had molten away all their feathers) to haue him strike fayle, and come vp to them: he vaild, and did so: their phantastick salu­tations being complemented, with much intrea­tie (because hee stood vppon thornes) hee was ad­uaunc'd (in regard of his Knighthood) to the vp­per end of the b [...]ord: you must take out your wri­ting [Page] tables, and note by the way, that euery roome of the house was a Cage full of such wilde fowle, Et crimine ab vno disce omnes, cut vp one, cut vp all, they were birdes all of a beake, not a Woodcocks difference among twenty douzen of them; euery man had before him a bale of dice, by his side a brace of Punks, & in his fist a nest of bowls. It was spring-tide sure, for all were full to the brimmes, with French beeing turn'd into English, (for they swum vp and downe the Riuer of Burdeux) signi­fied thus much, that dycing, drinking, and drab­bing, (like the three seditious Iewes in Ierusalem,) were the ciuil plagues that very vnciuily destroied the Sonnes (but not the sinnes) of the Cittie.

The bloud of the grape comming vp into their cheeks, it was hard to iudge, whether they blushed to see themselues in such a pickle, or lookt red with anger, one at another: but the troth is, their faces would take any dye but a blush [...]colour, and they were not made of the right mettle of courage to be angry, but their wits (like wheeles in Brunswick clocks) being all wound vp, so farre as they could stretch, were all going, but not one going truely.

For some curst their byrth, some their bringing vp, some rayled vpon their owne Nation, others vpon Strangers. At the last, one of these Acolasti, playing at doublets with his pue-fellowe, (which they might well doe, being almost driuen to their shyrtes,) and hearing vpon what Theame the rest sung Ex tempore, out-draws his ponyard, and stab­bing the tables, as if he meant to haue murder'd [Page] the thirty men, swore he could find in his heart to goe presently (hauing drunk vpsy Dutch,) & pisse euen vppon the Curmudgion his Fathers graue: for, sayes hee, no man has more vndone me, than hee that has done most for me, ile stand too't, it's better to be the sonne of a Cobler, then of a com­mon councell man: if a Coblers sonne and heyre run out at heeles, the whoreson patch may mend himselfe; but wee, whose friendes leaue vs well, are like howre-glasses turn'de vp, though wee be neuer so full, wee neuer leaue running, till wee haue emptied our selues, to make vp the mouthes of slaues, that for gayne are content to lye vnder vs, like Spaniels, fawning, and receiue what falls from our superfluity. Who [...]reedes this disease, in our bones? Whores? No, alack let's doe them right,Wise mo­thers make foolish chil­dren. t'is not their fault, but our mothers, our coc­kering mothers, who for their labour make vs to be calld Cockneys, or to hit it home indeed, those golden Asses our Fathers.

It is the olde Man, it is Adam, that layes a curse vppon his Posteritie: As for my Dad, t'is well knowne, hee had hippes reeling at Sea, (the vnlading of which giues me my loade nowe, and makes me stagger on land,) hee had ploughes to teare vp dere yeres out of the guts of the earth i'th countrey, and Yeomens sonnes, North countrey­men, fellowes (that might haue beene Yeomen of the Guard for feeding) great boyes with beards, whom he tooke to be Prentizes, (mary neuer any of them had the grace to be free,) and those lads [Page] like Sarieants) tore out mens throates for him to got money in the Citie: hee was richer then Mi­das, but more wretched then an Alchumist: so co­uetous that in gardning time, because hee would not be at the cost of a loade of Earth, hee par'de not his nailes for seuen yeeres together, to the in­tent the durte that hee filch't vnder them, should serue for that purpose: So that they hung ouer his Fingers, like so many shooing-hornes: doe but i­magine how farre euer any man ventred into hell for money, and my Father went a foote farder by the standard, and why did he this, thinke you? he was so sparing, that hee would not spend so much time as went to the making vp of another childe, so that all was for mee, he cozen'd young Gentle­men of their Land, onely for mee, had acres mor­gag'd to him by wise-acres, for [...]. hundred poūds, payde in hobby-horses, dogges, bells, and lute­strings, which if they had bene sold by the dru [...], or at an out-rop, with the crye, of No man better? would neuer haue yeelded 50. li. and this hee did only for mee, he built a Pharos, or rather a Block­house beyond the gallows at Wapping, to which the blacke fleete of Cole-carriers that came from Newcastle, strooke faile, were brought a bed, and discharg'de their great bellies there, like whores in hugger-mugger, at the common price, with twelue pence in a chauldern ouer & aboue, there­by to make the common wealth blowe her nayles till they ak'de for colde, vnlesse she gaue money to sit by his fire, onely for mee: the poore curst him [Page] with bell, booke and candle, till he lookt blacker with their execration,Miserable fathers make wretched sonnes. thē if he had bin blasted, but he car'de not what dogges bark't at him, so long as they bit not me: his hous-keeping was worse then an Irish Kernes, a Rat could not cōmit a Rape vpon the paring of a moldy cheese, but he died for't, on­ly for mysake, the leane lade Hungarian would not lay out a penny pot of sack for himselfe, though he had eaten stincking fresh herring able to poyson a dog, onely for me, because his son & heire should drink egges and muskadine, when he lay rotting.

To conclude, hee made no conscience, to run quick to the Diuel of an errand, so I had sent him. Might not my father haue beene begg'd (thinke you) better thē a number of scuruy things that are begd? I am perswaded, fooles would be a rich Mo­nopolie, if a wise man had em in hand: would they had begunne with him, Ile be sworne, he was a fat one: for had he fild my pockets with siluer, and the least corner of my coxcomb with wit how to saue that siluer, I might haue beene cald vpon by this, wheras now I am ready to giue vp my cloake: Had he set me to Gr [...]ner-schoo [...]e, as I set my selfe to dan­cing schoole, in stead of treading Carontoes, & ma­king Fidlers fat with rumps of capōs, I had by this time read Homilyes, and fed vpon Tith-pigs of my owne v [...]caridge, whereas now, I am ready to get into the Pr [...]digals seruice, and cat loues nuts, that's to say, Acorns with swine: But men that are wisest for officers, are commonly arrand woodcocks, for Fathers: He that prouides liuing for his child, and [Page] robs him of learning, turnes him into a Beetle, that flies from perfumes and sweet Odours, to feed on a cow-sheard; all such rich mēs darlings are either christened by some left-handed Priest, or els born vnder a threepeny Planet, and then they'le neuer be worth a groat, though they were left Landlords of the Indies. I confesse, when all my golden veines were shrunk vp, & the bottome of my Patrimony came within 200. pound of vnraueling, I could for all that haue bin dub'd: But when I saw how mine vncle plaid at chesse, I had no stomack to be knigh­ted. Why, sayes the Post? Mary quoth he, because when I prepar'd to fight a battaile on the Chesse-board, a Knight was alwaies better then a Pawne: but the Vsurer mine vncle made it playne, that a good pa [...]ne nowe was better then a Knight.

At this the whole Chorus, summos mouere Cachin­nos, laught till they grind agen, and call'd for a fresh gallon, all of them falling on their knees, & draw­ing out siluer & guilt rapiers, the onely mon­umēts that were left of hundreds & thousands in Pecunijs numeratis. swore they would drinke vp these in deepe Healthes, to their howling Fathers, so they might be sure the pledging should choake them, because they brought them into the Inne of the World, but left them not enough to pay their ry­otous reckonings, at their going out.

The knight was glad he should carry such wel­come newes with him, as these, to the clouen-foo­ted Synagogue, & tickled with immoderate ioye, to see the world runne vpon such rotten wheeles. [Page] Whervpō pleading the necessity of his departure, he began first to run ouer his Alphabet of Congees, & thē with a French Basilez, slipt our of their cōpany.

But they knowing to what cape he was bound, būg vpon him, like so many beggers on an Almo­ner, importing, and coniuring him, by the loue he did owe to Knight-hood, and Armes, and by his oath, to take vp doun-cast Ladies, whom they had there in their companyes, and whom they were bound in Nature & humanity to relieue: that hee wold signi [...]y to their fathershow course the threed of life fell out to be nowe towards the Fagge en [...]e: therfore, if any of them had (inth'daies of [...] abo­mination, and idolatry to money) bound the spirit of gold, by any charmes, in Caues, or in iron setters vnder the groūd, they should for their own soules quiet, (which questionlesse els would whine vp & down) if not for the good of their childrē, release it, to set vp their decay'd estates. Or if ther had bin no such coniuring in their life times, that they wold take vp money of the Diuel (thogh they forfeyted their bondes, and lay by it for euer, or els get leaue with a keeper, to trie how much they might be tru­sted for among their olde customers vppon earth, thogh within two dayes after, they proued Bank­rupts by Proclamation. The Post-maister of Hell plainly told them, that if any so seditious a fellow as Golge, were cast in prison: their fathers would neuer giue their consent to haue him ransom'd: because ther's more greedines among them below, then can be in the Hyeland-countreys aboue: so that [Page] if all the Lordships in Europ were ofsfred in Mor­gage for a quarter their value, not so much as 13. pence half penie can be had from thence, though a man would hang himselfe for it: And as for their Fathers walking abroad with keepers, alas they lye there vpon such heauy Ex [...]cutions, that they can­not get out for their soules. Hee counsells them therefore to draw arrowes out of another quiuer, for that those markes stand out of their reache, the groūd of which counsell, they all vow to trauerse: Some of them resoluing to cast out liquorish baits, to catch old▪ (but fleshly) wealthy widdowes, the fire of which Sophysticated loue, they make ac­count shal not go out, so long as any drops of gold can be distilld from them: Others sweare to liue and dye in a man of W [...]re, though such kinde of Theeuery be more stale then Seabeefe: the rest that haue not the hearts to shead bloud, hauing reaso­nable stockes of wit, meanes to imploy em in the sinnes of the Suburbs, though the Poxelyes there as deaths Legyer: For since [...] Man is the clocke of Time, they'le all be Tymes Sextens, and set the Dyall to what howres they list.

Our Vaunt' currer applauded the lots which they drew for themselues, and offred to pay some of the Tauern Items: but they protesting he should not spend a Baw-bee, as hee was true knight conse­dere Duces, they sate downe to their Wine, and he hasted to the water.


Hells Post lands at Graues-end: see's Dunkirk, France,
And Spayne: then vp to Venice does aduance:
At last hee comes to the Banck-side of Hell:
Of Charon and his boate, strange newes doth tell.

BY this time is he lāded at Graues­end, (for they whom the Diuell dryues, feele no Lead at their heeles,) what stuffe came along with him in the Barge, was so base in the weauing, that t'is too bad to be set out to sale: It was onely Luggadge, therefore throwe it ouerboord. From thence hoysting vp saile into the Maine, he struck in among the Dunkerks, where hee encoun­tred such a number of all Nations, with the dregs of all Kingdomes, vices dropping vpon them, and so like the Blacke-Gentleman his Maister, that hee had almost thought himselfe at home, so neere do those that lye in Garrison there, resemble the Des­peruatoes that fill vp Plut [...]es Muster-booke: But his head beating on a thousand Anuiles, the scol­ding of the Cannon drew him speedily frō thence: So that creeping vp along by the ranke Flemmish shores (like an Eues dropper) to whisper out what the brabbling was, he onely set downe a note for his memorie, that the States sucking Poyson out of the sweete flowers of Peace, but keeping their [Page] coffers sound and healthfull by the bitter Pills of Warre, made their coun [...]rey a pointing stocke to other Nations, and a miserable Anatomie to them­selues.

The next place he call'd in at,Fashions borne in France, and sent to be nurst in England. was France, where the Gentlemen, to make Apes of Englishmen, whom they tooke daylie practising all the foolish tricks of fashions after their Mounsieur-ships, with yards in steede of Leading Staues, mustred all the French Taylors together, who, by reason they had thin haire, wore thimbles on their heads, in stead of I [...] caps, euery man being armed with his [...] Iron, which he call's there his goose ( [...] ▪ of them beeing in France: All the crosse-capere [...]s b [...]ing plac'd in strong rankes, and an excellent o [...]ation cut out and stitch't together, perswading them to sweat out their braines, in de­uising new cuts, newe french collers, new french cod-peec [...]s, and newe french panes in honour of Saint Dennys, only to make the gydd [...]-pated Eng­lishman consume his reuenewes, in wearing the like cloathes, which on his backe at the least, can shew but like cast sutes, beeing the second edition, whil'st the poore French peasant iets vp & down, (like a Pantaloun) in the olde theed-bare claoke of the Englishman, so that we [...] buy fashions of them to feather our pride, and they borrowe rags from vs to couer their beggery.Pryde the Spanyards bastard, kep­here. The Spanyard was so busy in touching heauen with a launce, that our Knight of the burning shield, could not get him at so much leysure, as to eat a dish of Pilchers with [Page] him. The gulfe of Venice hee purposes shall ther­fore swallowe a fewe howres of his obseruation, where hee no sooner sets sooting on shore, but he encounters with Lust, so ciuilly suted, as if it had bene a Marchants wife:Lust the Ita­lians mistris, is now cōmon with the E [...] ­glishman. Whore-mongers there, may [...]vtter their commodities as lawfullie as Cos­termongers here, they are a [...]ompany as free, and haue as large priuiledges for what they doe, as any of the twelue Companyes in London. In other Countreys Lecherie is but a Chamber-mayde: Here, a great Lady: Shee's a retaylor, and has war­rant to sell soules, and other small wares, vnder the Seale of the Cittie: Damnation ha's a price set vpon it, and dares goe to Lawe for her owne: For a Curtizans action of the Case, will hold aswell as a Vsurers plea of debt, for ten i'th hundred. If Bride-well stood in Venice, a golden key (more ea­silie then a picklocke) would open all the doores of it: For Lechery heere lyes night and day with one of Prides daughters (Liberty) and so farre is the infection of this Pestilence spredde, that euery boye there has much harlot in his eyes: Religion goes all in changeable silkes, and weares as manie maskes as she do'es colours: Churches stand like Rocks, to which very fewe approach, for feare of ship-wrack.

The seuen deadly sinnes, are there in as great authoritie,Dronkenues hath [...] a from the Low countries into great Brit­taine. as the seuen Electors in Germeny, and women in greater then both: In so much as drun­kennesse, which was once the Dutch-mans head­ake, is now become the Englishmans: so ielouzy, [Page] that at first was whipt out of Hell, because the tor­mented euen Diuels, lies now euery howre in the Venetians bosom: Euery Noble man grows there like a Beeche tree, for a number of beasts couche vnder his shade: euery Gentleman aspires rather to be counted great then good, weighing out good works by pounds, & good deeds by drams: their promises are Eeues, their performances hol­lidayes, for they worke hard vpon the one, and are idle on the other. Three thinges there are dog-cheap, learning, poore mens sweat, and oathes: Farmers in that countrey are pe [...]ie Tyrants, and Landlords Tyrants ouer those Farmers, Epicu [...]es grow as fat there, as in Englād, for you shall haue a slaue eat more at a meale, thē ten of the Guard, & drink more in two daies, then all Maning-tree does at a Whitsun-ale. Our Rank [...]yder of the Stygian borders seeing how well these Pupils profited vn­der their Italian School-master, and that all coun­treyes liu'de obedient to the Luciferan [...]awes, re­solu'd to change Post-horse no more, but to con­clude his Peregrina [...]ion, hauing seene fashions, and gotten Table-talke enough by his trauell. In a few minutes therefore is hee come to the banck­side of Acheron, where you are not bayted at by whole kennels of yelping watermen, as you are at Westminster-bridge, and ready to be torne in pee­ces to haue two pence rowed out of your purse: no, Shipwrights there could hardlie liue, there's but one boate, and in that one Charon is the onely Ferry-man, so that if a Cales Knight should bawle [Page] his heart out, hee cannot get a paire of oares there, to doe him grace with (I ply'de your Worship first,) but must be glad to goe with a Sculler: By which meanes, though the fare be small (for the watermans wages was at first but a half-peny, then it came to a peny, t'is now mended, and is growne to three hal [...]e pence, for all thinges wax deere in Hell, as well as vpon earth, by reason t'is so popu­lous,) yet the gaynes of it are greater in a quarter, then ten Westerne Buges get in a yeere: Dotchet Ferry comes nothing neere it.

It is for all the world, like Graues-end Barge: and the passengers priuiledged alike, for there's no re­gard of age, of sexe, of beauty, of riches, of valor, of learning, of greatnes, or of birth: Hee that comes in first, sits no better then the last.

Will Sommers giues not Richard the third the cushions, the Duke of Guyze & the Duke of Shore­ditche haue not the bradth of a benche betweene them, Iane Shore and a Gold-smiths wife are no better one then another.

Kings and Clownes,Mors Scep­ [...], Legioni­ [...] aquat. Souldiers and Cowards, Church-men and Sextons, Aldermen and Cob­lers, are all one to Charon: For his Naulum, Lucke (the old Recorders foole) shall haue as much mat, as Syr Launcelot of the Lake: He knowes, though they had an oar in euery mans Boat in World,The Water­man of Hell, is, as Churlish a knaue, as our Water­man. yet in his they cannot challenge so much as a stret­cher: And therefore (though hee sayles continu­all with wind and Tyde, (he makes the prowdest of them all to stay his leasure. It was a Comedy, [Page] to see what a crowding (as if it had bene at a newe Play,) there was vpon the Acheronticque Strond, (so that the Poste was faine to [...]arry his turne, because he could not get neere enough the shore: He pur­pos'd therefore patiently to walke vp and downe, til the Coast was cleare, and to note the condition of all the passengers. Amongst whom there were Courty [...]s,The Passen­gers. that brought with em whole Truncks of apparell, which they had bought, and large pat­tents for Monopolies which they had beg'd: Law­yers laden with leases, & with purchas'd Lordships, Churchmen so pursy & so windlesse with bearing three or four Church li [...]ings, that they could scarce speake: Marchants laden with baggs of golde, for which they had rob'd their Princes Custom: Schol­lers with Aristotle and Ramus in cloake-bags, (as if they ment to pull down the Diuel) in disputation, being the subtillest Logician, but full of Sophistrie: Captains, some in guilt armour (vnbat [...]red,) some in buffe Ie [...]kens, plated o're with massy siluer lace, (raiz'd out of the ashes of dead pay,) & banckrupt citizens, in swarms like porters, sweating basely vn­der the burdens of that, for which other men had sweat honestly before. All which (like Burgers in a Netherland towne taken by Freebo [...]ters,) were com­pelld to throwe downe bag and baggage, before they could haue pasporte to be shipt into the F [...]em­mish Hoye of Hell: For if euery man should be suf­ferd to carry with him out of the world, that which he took most delight in, it were enough to drown him, and to cast awaye the Vessell hee goes in: [Page] Charon therefore strippes them of all, and leaues them more bare then Irish beggers: And glad they were (for all their howling to see themselues so fleec'd,) that for their siluer they could haue wa [...] ­tage ouer. In therefore they thrung, some wa­ding vp to the knees, and those were young men: they were loth to make too much haste, swearing they came thither before their times.

Some, vp to the middles, & those were women, they seeing young men goe before them, were a­sham'd not to vēture farder than they. Others wa­ded to the chin, & those were old men, they seeing their gold taken from them, were desperate, and would haue drown'd themselues; but that Charon slipping his Oare vnder their bellies, tost them out of the water, into his Wherry. The boate is made of nothing but the wormeaten ribs of coffins,The stuffe of which the Wherry is made. nai­led together, with the splinters of fle [...]hlesse shin­bones, dig'd out of graues, being broken in pieces. The sculs that he rowes with, are made of Setxons spades, which had bin hung vp at the end of some great plague, the bench he sits vpon, a rank of dead mens sculs. The worst of them hauing bin an Em­peror, as great as Charlemaine: And a huge heape of their beards seruing for his cushion: the Mast of the hoat is an arme of an Yew tree, whose boughs (in stead of Rosemary) had wont to be worne at burials? The sayle, two patcht winding sheetes, wherin a Broker & an Vsurer had bin laid: for their linnen, will last longest, because it comes cōmon­ly out of Lauender, and is seldome worne.

[Page]The waterman himselfe is an olde grisly-fac'd fellow: a beard filthier then a Bakers mawkin that hee sweepes his ouen,What man­ner of fellow the sculler is. which hung [...]ull of knotted Elf-locks, and serues him for a Swabber in fowle weather to clense his Hulk: A payre of eyes staring so wide (by beeing blear'd with the wind) as if the lidds were lifted vp with gags to keep them open: More salt Rew maticke water runnes out of them, then would pickle all the Herrings that shall come out of Yarmouth: A payre of handes so hard and scal'd ouer with durte, that Passengers thinke hee wea [...]es Gauntlets, and more stinkingly musty are they then the fists of Night-men, or the fingers of bryb [...]rie, which are neuer cleane: His breath bel­ches out nothing but rotten damps, which lye so thicke and foggie on the face of the Waters, that his Fare is halfe choak't, ere they can get to Land: The Sea-coale furnaces of ten Brew-houses, make not such a smoke, nor the Tallowe pans of fifteene Chaundlers (when they melt,) send out such a smell; Hee's dreadfull in looks, and currish in lan­guage, yet as kinde as a Courtyer where he tak [...]s. Hee [...]its in all stormes bare headed,His appar [...]. for if hee had a cap, he would not put if off to a Pope: A gowne gyrt to him (made all of Wolues skinnes) tanned, (figuring his greedynesse) but worne out so long, that it has almost worne away his elbowes: Hee's thicke of hearing to them that sue to him, but to those against whose willes hee's sent for, a Fiddler [...]eares not the crecking of a windowe sooner.

[Page]As touching the Riuer, looke howe' Moore­ditche shewes, when the water is three-quarters out, and by reason the stomack of it is ouer-laden, is readie to fall to casting, so does that, it stincks almost worse, is almost as poysonous, altogether so muddie, altogether so blacke: In taste very bit­ter, (yet to those that knowe howe to distill these deadly waters,) very wholesome.


The Post and Charon talke, as Charon rowes,
He Fee's Helis Porter, an [...] then on hee goes:
Sessions in Hell: Soules brought vnto the barre,
Arraign'd and iudg'd, A Catalogue who they are.

CHaron, hauing discharged his [...]raight, the Packet carryer (that all this while wayted on the o­ther side,) cry'de A boat, a boat: His voyce was knowne by the Tune, and (weary though hee were,) ouer to him comes our Ferry-man. To whom ( [...]o soone as euer euer hee was let (Charon complaines what a bawling there has beene, with what Fares hee has bene posted, and how much tugging (his boat being so twack [...]) he has split one of his Oares, and broken his Bid­ [...]ook, so that he can row but lazily til it be mēded.

[Page]And were it not that the Soules p [...]yes excessiue Rent for dwelling in the body, he sweares (by the Stygian Lake) hee would not let em passe thus for a trifle, but raise his price: why may not he doe it as well as Puncks and Trades men? Here vpo'n hee brags what a number of gallant fellows & goodly wenches went lately ouer with him, whose names he has in his booke, and could giue him, but that they earnes [...]lie intreated not to haue their names spr [...]d any farther (for their heyres sakes, because most of them were too great in some mens books already. The only wonder (says Charon) that these Passengers driue mee inio, is, to see how strangely the wo [...]ld is altred since Pluto and Proserpina were married: For whereas in the olde time, men had wo [...]t to come into his boate all slash't, (some with one arme, some with neuer a leg,Miscent Aconita M [...] ­uercae. Filius ante diem patris inquirit in anno. and others with heades like calues, cleft to their shoulders, and the mouths of their very wounds gaping so wide, as if they were crying, A boat, a boat,) now contrary­wise, his fares are none but those that are poyson'd by their wiues for lust, or by their heires [...]or liuing, or burnt by Whor [...]s, or reeling into Hell out of Tauerns: or if they happē to come bleeding, their greatest glorie is a stab, vpon the giuing of a lye.

So that if the 3. Destinies spin no finer threds then these, men must eyther (like Aesculapius) be made immortall for meere pittie sake, and be sent vp to Iupiter, or else the Land of Black-amoores must bee made bigger: for the Great Lord of Tartarie wil shortlie haue no roome for all his Retayners, [Page] which would be a great dishonour to him, consi­dering hee's now the onely hous-keeper.

By this time, Charon looking before him (as Watermen vse to doe) that's to say, behinde him, spied he was hard at shoare: wherevppon seeing hee had such dooings (that if it held still) hee must needs take a seruant, (and so make a paire of oares for Pluto) he offered great wages to the Knight pas­sant, to be his iourney-man: but hee being onely for the Diuells land seruice, told him he could not giue ouer his seruice, but assuring him, hee would enforme his Mr: (the King of Erebus,) of all that was spoken, hee payde the boate hyre fitting his Knighthood, leapt ashore, and so parted.

The wayes are so plaine, and our trauellers on foote so famyliar with them, that hee came sooner to the Court gate pf Auernus, then his fellowe (the Wherry-man) could fasten his hooke on the other side of Acheron: the Porrer (though he knew him well enough, and fawn'd vppon him,) would not let him passe,The Porter of Hell. rill hee had his due: for euery officer there is as greedy of his Fees, as they are here. You mistake, if you imagine that Plutoes Potter is like one of those big fellowes that stand like Gyants at Lordes gates (hauing bellyes bumbasted with ale in Lambs-wool) and with Sacks: and checks strut­ting out (like two footeballes,) beeing blowen vp with powder beefe and brewis: yet hee's as surly as those Key-turners are, but lookes as little more scuruily: No, no, this doore keeper waytes not to take money of those that passe in, to beholde the [Page] Infernall Traged [...]es, neither has he a lodge to dyne and sup in, but on [...]ly a kennell, and executes [...]s bawling [...]ffice meerely for victuals: his name is Cerberus, but the household call him more proper­ly, The Black dog of Hell: He has three heads, but no hayre vpon them, (the place is too hot to keepe hayre on) for in stead of hayre they are all rurl'd o­uer with snakes, which reach from the crownes of his three he ads alongst the ridge of his back to his very tayle, and thats wreathed like a dragons taile: twentie couple of hounds make not such a dam­nable noyse, when they howle, as he does when he barks: his propertie is to wag his taile, when a­ny comes for enterance to the gate, and to licke their hands, but vpon the least offer to scape out, he leaps at their throates; sure hee's a mad dog, for wheresoeuer he bites, it rankles to the death: His eyes are euer watching, his ear [...]s euer listning, his pawes euer catc [...]ing, his mouthes are gaping: In­somuch, that day and night, he lyes howling to be sent to Paris Gara [...]n, rather then to be vs'de so like a curre as he is.

The Post, to stop his throat, threwe him a Sop,Bribes in Hell. and whil'st hee was deuouring of that, hee passed through the gates. No sooner was he entred, but he met with thousands of miserable soules, pyne­ond and dragd in chaines to the Barre, where they were to receiue their tryall, with bitter lamentati­ons bewayling (all the way as they went) and with lowd ex [...]crations cursing the bodies with whom they sometimes frolickly kept cōpany, for leading [Page] them to those impieties, for which they must now (euen to their vtter vndoing) deerly answer: it was quarter Sessions in Hel, & though the Post-master had bin at many of their arraignments, and knew the horrour of the Executions, yet the very sight of the prisoners struck him now into an astonishable amazement.

On not withstanding he goes with intent to deli­uer the Supplication, but so busy was Bohomoth (the prince of the Diuels) and such a prease was within the Court, and about the Barre, that by nò thrusting o [...] shouldring, could hee get accesse; the best time for him must be, to watch his rising at the adiourning of the Sessions, and therefore hee skrewes himselfe by all the insinuating Art he can, into the thickest of the crowd, and within reach of the Clarke of the Peaces voyce, tò heare all their inditements.

The Iudges are set,Sessions in Hell. (being three in number) se­uere in look, sharp in iustice, shrill in voyce, vnsub­iect passion; the prisoners are souls that haue com­mitted treason against their creation: they are cald to the bar,Sinne is th [...] Iury. their number in finit, their crimes num­berlesse: The Iury [...]hat must passe vpon them, are their sinnes, who are impanel'd out of the s [...]uerall countries,Conscience giues in eui­dence. & are sworn to find whose Conscience is the witnes, who vpon the booke of their liues, where all their deedes are written, giues in dange­rous euidence against them, the Furies (who stand at the elbow of their Conscience) are there ready with stripes to make them confesse, for eyther [Page] they are the Beadels of Hell that whippe soules in Lucifers Bride-well, or else his Executioners to put them to worse torments: The Inditements are of seuerall qualities, according to the seuerall of­fences; Some are arraigned for ambition in the Court;The seuerall inditements. Some for corruption in the church; Some for crueltie in the campe; Some for hollow-har­tednes in the Citie; Some for eating men aliue in the Countrey, euery particular soule has a parti­cular sinne, at his heeles to condemne him, so that to pleade not guiltie, were iolly: to beg for mercy, madnesse: for if any should doe the one, hee can put himselfe vpon none but the diuel and his An­gels: and they (to make quick worke) giue him his Pasport. If do the other, the hāds of ten kings vn­der their great Seales will not be taken for his par­don. For though Conscience comes to this court, poore in attire, diseased in his flesh, wretched in his face, heauy in his gate, and hoarse in his voice, yet carries hee such stings within him, to torture himselfe, if he speake not truth, that euery word is a Iudges sentence, & when he has spoken, the ac­cursed is suffred neither to plead for himselfe, nor to see any Lawier, to argue for him.

In what a lamentable condition therefore stands the vnhappie pris [...]n [...]r,The miserie of a prisoner in that Iury. his Inditemnt is implead­able, his euidence [...]irre [...]utable, the fact impardona­ble, the Iudge impenitrable, the Iudgement for­midable: the torments insufferable, the manner of them invtterable: he must endure a death with­out dying, Tormentes ending with worse [Page] beginnings, by his shrikes others shall be affrigh­ted, himselfe afflicted, by thousands pointed at, by not one amongst milions pitied, hee shall see no good that may help him, what he most does loue, shall be taken from him, and what hee most doth loath, shal be powred into his bosome. Adde here­vnto the faide cogitation of that dismall place, to which he is cōdemned, the remēbrance of which is almost as dolorous, as the punishments there to be endured. In what colours shall I lay downe the true shape of it? Assist my inuention.

Suppose that being gloriously attired, delicious­ly feasted, attended on maiestically, Musicke char­ming thine eare, beautie thine eye; and that in the very height of al worldly pompe that thought can aspire to, thou shouldest be tumbled downe, from some high goodly pinnacle (builded for thy plea­sure) into the bottome of a Lake, whose depth is immeasurable, & circuit incomprehensible: And that being there, thou shouldest in a moment be ringed about, with all the murtherers that euer haue bin since the first foundation of the world, with all the Atheists, al the church-robbers, al the Incestuous Rauishers, & all the polluted villaines, that euer suckt damnation from the breastes of black impietie, that the place it selfe is gloomy, hi­deous, and in accessible, pestilent by dampes, and rotten vapors, haunted with spirits, and pitcht all ouer, with cloudes of darkenes, so clammy & pal­pable, that the eye of the Moone is too dull to pierce through them, and the fires of the Sun too [Page] weake to dissolue them, then that a Sulphurous stench must stil strike vp into thy nosthrils, Adders and Toads be still crawling on thy bosome, Man­drakes & night Rauens still shriking in thine eares, Snakes euer sucking at thy breath, and which way soeuer thou turnest, a fire flashing in thine [...]ies, yet yeelding no more light than what with a glimse may shew others how thou art tormented, or else shew vnto thee the tortures of others, and yet the flames to be so deuouring in the burning, that should they but glowe vpon Mountaines of Iron, they were able to melte them like Mountaines of Snow. And last of all, that all these horrors are not wouen together, to last for yeeres, but for ages of worlds, yea for worlds of ages; Into what gulfe of desperate calamity, would not the poorest begger now rhrowe himselfe head-long: rather then to tast the least dram of this bitternes: If imagination can giue being to a more miserable place then this described? Such a one, or no worse then such a one, is that, into which the guiltie Soules are led captiue, after they haue this condemnation.

And what tongue is able to relate the grones and vlulations of a wretch so distressed, a hundred pennes of steele would be worne blunt in the de­scription, and yet leaue it vnfinished.


The Writ for Gold senlargement now is read,
And by the Prince of Darkenes answered:
The Diuell abroad his commendations sends:
All Traitors are his Sonnes, Brokers his friends.

LEt vs therfore sithence the Infer­nall Sessions are rejourned, & the Court breaking vp, seeke out his knightship, who hauing wayted all this while for the Diuell, hath by this time deliuer [...]d to his paws the S [...]pplication, about Golde, & so Matuolio his Se­cr [...]tary is reading it to him, but before he was vp to the middle of it, the work-maister of Witches, snat­ched away the Paper, & thrust it into his bosome in great choller, rayling at his Letter carryer, and thr [...]atning to haue him la'sh [...] by the Furies, for his l [...]ytring so long, or Cauteriz'de with hotte Irons for a Fugitu [...]. But Mephostophiles discoursing from point to point, what pai [...]es hee had taken in the Su [...]uey [...] [...]uery Countrey, and how hee had [...] Serjeant Sathan gaue him his bles [...]ing, and told him that during his absence, the Wryler that penn'd the Supplication had ben landed [...] Charon, of whom he willed to enquire within what pa [...]t of their domini [...]n hee had taken vp his [...] this [...] to answere euery worde by word of mouth, yet because he knowes, tha [...] at [Page] the returne of his Post [...] ship, and walking vpon the Exchange of the Worlde, (which he charges him to hasten, for the good of the Stygian kingdome, that altogether stands vpon quicke tafficque they will flutter about him, crying, What newes? what newes? what squibs, or ra [...]ther what peeces of or­dinance doth the McGunner of Gehenna discharge against so sawcie a suitor, that by the Artill [...]rie of his Secretaries penne, hath shaken the walles of his Kingdome, and made so wide a breache, that anie Syr Giles may looke into his, and his Officers dooings: to stop th [...]u mouthes with some thing, stop them with this: That touching the enlarge­ment of Gold: (which is the first branch of the Peti­tion:) So it is,The Diuells answere to the Petition. that Plutus his kinsman (being the onely setter vp of tempting Idolles,) was borne a Cripple, but had his eye sight as faire as the daye, for hee could see the faces & fashions of all men in the world in a twinkling. At which time, for all he went vpon Crutches, hee made shifte o walke a­broad with many of his friends, Marrie they were none but good men. A Poet, or a Philosopher, might then haue sooner had his company, than a Iustice of Peace:Gold at the first was lame and went vp & down with goodmen, but now hee is blinde, and cares not what foole leades him. Vertue at that time, went in good cloaths, & vice fed vpon beggery. Al [...]hes baskets, honestie, and plaine dealing, had all the Trades in their owne handes, So that Vnthrifts, Cheaters, and the rest of their Faction, (though it were the greater) were borne downe, for not an Angell durst bee seene to drink in a Tauerne with them: wherevpon they were all in danger to be famisht: [Page] Which enormity Iupiter wisely looking into, and seeing Plutus dispersing his giftes, amongst none but his honest brethren, strucke him (either in an­ger or enuie) starke blinde, so that euer since hee hath play'de the good fellowe, for now euery gull may leade him vp and downe [...]ike Guy, to make sports in any drunken assemblie, now hee regards not who thrusts his handes into his pockets, nor how it is spent; a foole shall haue his heart nowe, assoone as a Physition: And an Asse that cannot spell, goe laden away with double Ducke [...]rs from his Indian store-house, when Ibis Homere, that hath layne sick seuenteene yeeres together of the Vni­ue [...]sitie plague, (watching and want) only in hope at the last to finde some cure, shall not for an hun­dred waight of good Latine, receiue a two penny waight in Siluer, his ignorance (arising from his blindenes) is the onely cause of this Comedie of errors: so that vntill some Quack-saluer or other (either by the help of Tower hill water, or any o­ther, either Physicall or Chirurgicall meanes) can picke out that pin and webbe which is stucke into both his eyes, (and that will very hardly be.) It is irreuocably set downe, in the Adamantine booke of Fate, that Golde shall be a perpetuall slaue to slaues, a drudge to fooles, a foole to make Wood­cocks mery, whil'st wisemen mourne: or if at any time he chance to break prison, and flie for refuge into the Chamber of a Courtier, to a meere haw­king countrey Gentleman,A Curse laid vpon gold. to a young student at the lawe, or to any Trades-mans eldest sonne, that [Page] rides forth to cast vp his Fathers reckonings, in forti­fied Tauerns, Such mighty searche shal be made for him, such Hue & Crie after him, such mis-rule kept, vntill he be smelt our, that poore Gold must be glad to get him out of their companie, Castles cannot protect him, but he must be apprehended, and suf­fer for it. Nowe as touching the seauen leaued Tree, of the deadly sinnes, which in the Supplicati­on are likewise requested to be heawen downe, his Suite is vnreasonable, for that growes so rancke in euery mans garden, and the flowers of it worne so much in euery womans bosome, till at the last ge­nerall Autumnian quarter of the dreadfull yeare, when whole Kingdomes (like seare and sap-lesseSinne beares from all the yeare long. leaues) must be shaken in pic [...]es by the consuming breath of fire, & all the fruits of the earth he raked together, by the Spirit of Stormes, & burnt in one heap like stubble, till then, it is impossible to cleere the oaken forehead of it, or to loppe off any of the branches. And let this satisfy itching Newes-hun­ters, for so much of mine answere to the poore fel­lowes Supplication, as I meane to haue publisht to the world: Whatmore I haue to vtter, shall be in his care, because he was more busie in his prating then a Barber, with thee my Seruaunt, about my houshold affaires, and therfore it is to be doubted hee lu [...]kes in our C [...]merian Prouinces, but as an In­telligencer, which if [...] prooued, hee shall buy it with his soule: Dispa [...]lre therefore (my [...]aithfull Incarnate D [...]uell,) proclaime these thinges to the next Region aboue vs.

[Page]Goe and deliuer my most harty condemnations to all those that steal subiects hearts from their So­ueraigns,The Diuell sendes his c [...] ­mendations. say to all those, they shall haue my letters of Mart for their Pyracie: factious Guyzards, that lay trains of seditiō to blowvp the cōmon wealth, I hug them as my children, to all those churchmen that bind thēselues together in schismes, like bun­dles of thorns, only to prick the sides of Religion, till her heart bleede; I will giue them new orders. To all those that vntyle their Neighbours houses, that whil'st storms are beating them our, they thē ­selues may enter in, bestowe vpon such officers of mine, a thousand condemnations from their mai­ster, tho they be sitting at King Arthurs Table: When thou doest thy message, they shall haue Te­ [...]ements of me for nothing in Hell.

In briefe, tell all the Brokers in Long-Lane, Houns-ditch, or else wher, with all the rest of rheir Colleagued Suburbians, that deale vppon ouer­worne commodities, and whose Soules are to vs impawned, that they lye safe enough, and that no cheater can hook them out of our hands, bid them sweate and sweare in their vocation (as they do [...] hourely) if thou beeing a knight of the Post, canst not helpe them to oathes, that may make them get the Diuell and all, they haue a sound Carde on their sides, for I my selfe will Abi in malam, go [...] and minde thy businesse.


A Vsurer describ'de: his going downe to Hell:
The Post to him a strange at scourse doth tell:
Hee teaches him the waye, and doeth discouer
What Riuers the departed Soules goe ouer.

HIs warrant beeing thus sign de,The picture of a Vsurer. the messenger departs, but be­fore hee could get to the vtter­most Ferrie, he met with an old, leane, meagre fellowe, whose eyes was sunke so deepe into his head, as if they had beene set in backward, his haire was thinner then his cheekes, and his cheekes so much worne away, that when he spake, his tongue smoak't, and that was burn't blacke, with his hore and valiant breath, was seene to mooue too and fro so plainely, that a wise man might haue taken it for the Snuffe of a ca [...]dle in a Muscouie Lant-horne, the Barber Surgions had beg'd the body of a man at a Sessions, to make an Anatomie, and that Anatomy this wretched crea­ture begged of them to make him a body, Charon had but newly landed him:How [...]surers get into bell. yet it seem'd he stood in pittyfull feare, for his eyes were no bigger then pinnes heads, with blubbring and howling, kee­ping a coile to haue some body shew him the nea­rest way to hell, which he doubted he had lost, the other puts him into a pathe, that would directlie [Page] bring him thither, but before he bid him farewell, our blacke knight inquired of him what hee was: who answered, that he was sometimes one that li­ued vpon the Lechery of mettals, for hee could make one hundred pound be great with child, and be deliuered with another in a very short time, his mony (like pigions) laid euery month, he had bin in vpright tearmes, an Vsurer; And vnderstanding that he fel into the hāds of the hel [...] post, he offered him after a penny a mile, between that & ye townes end hee was going too, so he would be his guide.

Which mony, when the watermen came to ri­fle him, he swallowed downe, and rakte for it af­terwards, because hee knewe not what neede hee should haue, the waies being damnable: But the goer of the diue [...]s errands told him, if he would al­low him Pursiuants sees, he durst not earne them, hee would doe him any Knights seruice, but to play the good Angells part, and guide him, he must pardon him. Doctor Diues request him (in a whining accen [...]) to tell him if there were any rich men in hell, & if by any base d [...]udgery which the diuell shall put him too, & which beele willingly moile in, he shuld scrape-any muck togither, whe­ther he may set vp his trade in hel, & whither there be any brokers there, that with picking strawes out of poore thatcht houses to build nestes where his: twelue pences should ingenner, might get fethers to his backe, and their owne too. To all which questions, the vaut curier answers briefly, that he shall meete a number there, who once went in [Page] black veluet coats, and welted gownes, but of Bro­kers, theres a Longer lane in He [...]l, than there is in London. Marry for opening shops, and to keep a Bawdy house, for Lady Pecunia, Ho [...] sifata negant, If the Bay liffe of B [...]rathrum denye that priuiledge to those that haue serued twice seuen yeeres in the Freedome, theres no reason a Forrayner should taste the fauour.

This news tho it went coldly down, yet as those that are troubled with the tooth-ache, enquyre of others what the payne is, that haue had them drawn out, & think by that means they lessen their owne, So it is some ease to Syr Timothy, thirtie per centū, to ha [...]ken out the worst that others haue en­dured, he desires therfore to know how far it is frō the earth to hell; & being told that hel is iust so many miles from Earth, as earth is from Heauen, he stands in a brown study, wondring) sithens: the length of the iournies were both alike to him, how it should happen, that he tooke rather the one path then the other. But then cursing himself that euer he fell in loue with mony, and that which is contrary to na­ture) hee euer made a cracke French Crowne, beget an English-Angell, he roar'de out, & swore that gold sure would dambe him. For sayes hee, my gree­dinesse to [...] mine eye with that, made me starue my belly, and haue vndone those for sixe pence, that were readie to starue. And into such an A­poplexie of Soule, fell I into, with the lust of mo­ney, that I had no sense of other happinesse: So that whil'st in my Closet I sat numbring my bags, [Page] the last houre of my life was told out, before I could tel the first heap of gold, birdlime is the sweat of the Oake tree, the dung of the Blackbird falling on that tree, turnes into that slimie snare, and in that snare, is the bird her selfe taken. So fares it me, mony is but the excrement of the earth, in which couetous wretches (like swine) rooting continu­ally, eate thorowe the earth so long, till at length they eate themselues into hell. I see therefore, that as Harts, being the most cowardly and hartlesse creatures, haue also the largest hornes. So we that are drudges to heapes of drosse, haue base & leane consciences, but the largest damnation. There ap­peared to Timotheus, an Athenian, Demonijvmbra, and that gaue him a net to catch Cities in, yet for all that he died a begger. Sure it was Vmbr ae daemo­nis that taught me the rule of Interest: for in get­ting that, I haue lost the principall (my soule). But I pray you tel me, saies my setter vp of Scriueners, Must I be stript thus out of all? Shall my Fox-furd gownes be lockt vp from me? Must I not haue so much as a shirt vpon me? Heers worse pilling and polling then amongst my countrey men the Vsu­rers, not a rag of linnen about me, to hide my na­kednesse.

No, sayes the light Horse-man of Lymbo no lin­nen is worne heere, because none can bee wouen strong enough to hold, neither doe any such good [...] come hither as to make cloath, onely the Destinies are allowed to spinne, but their yarne serues to make smockes for Pr [...]serpina, You are [Page] now as you must euer bee, you shall neede no cloathes, the aire is so extreame hot; [...]esides, there be no Tailors sufferd to liue here, because (they as well as Players) haue a hell of their owne,) (vnder their shopboard) & there lye their t [...] t [...]ered soules, patcht out with nothing but rags.

This Careere being ended, our Lansquenight of Lowe-Germanie, was readie to purspurres to his ho [...], and take leaue, because he saw what disease hung vppon him, and that his companion was hard at his heeles, and was loth to proceede in his iourney.

But he, Qui nummos admiratur, the pawn-gro­per, clingde about his knees like a Horsleech, and coniurde him, as euer he pittied a wretch eaten to the bare bones, by the sacred hunger of gold, that he would either bestowe vpon him, a short Table (such a one as is tide to the tayle of most Alma­nacks) chalking out the hye-waies, be they neuer so durtie, and measuring the length of all the miles betweene towne, and towne, to the breadth of a hayre, or if this Geographicall request tooke vp too much conceald land to haue it granted, that yet (at last) he would tell him, whether he were to passe ouer any more riuers, and what the name of this filthy puddle was, ouer which hee was lately brought by a dogged waterman, because sithence he must runne into the diuels mouth, hee would runne the neerest way, least hee wearied him­selfe.

Of this last request, the Lacquy of this great [Page] Leuiathan, promisde he should be maister, but he would not bring him to a miles end by land,The Ri [...]rs which [...]he s [...]u [...] passes. (they were too many to meddle with). You shall vnder­stand therefore (saies our wild Irish footeman) that this first water (which is now cast behind you) is Acheron, It is the water of troub [...]e, & works like a Sea in a tempest (for indeede this first is the worst) It hath a thousand creekes, a thousand windings, and [...]u [...]ings, It vehemently boyles at the bottome (like a Caldron of molten leade,) when on the top it is smoother then a still streame:Remēbrance of the sinnes, the first water. And vpon great reason is it calde the Riuer of molestation, for when the soule of man is vpon the point of departing from the Shores of life, and to be shipt away into another world, she is vext with a conscience, and an auxie us remembrance of all the parts that euer she plaid on the vnruly stage of the world: She repeats not by roate, but by heart, the iniuries done to others, and indig­nities wrought against her selfe: She [...]urnes ouer a large volume of accountes, and findes that sh [...]ees runne out in pride, in lustes, in [...]iots, in blasphe­mies, in irreligion, in waslowing through so many enormous & detestable crimes, that to looke back vpon them, (being so infinite), and vpon her own face (being so fowle) the very thought makes her desperate. She neuer spake, or delighted to heare spoken, a [...]y bawdie language, but it now [...]ngs in her [...]are, neuer lusted after lu [...]urious meates, but their taste is now vpon her tongue, neuer fed the sight witl any licen [...]ious obiect, but now they [Page] come all into her eye, euerie wicked thought be­fore, is now to her a dagger, euery wicked word a death, euery wicked act a damnation: If shee scape falling into this Ocaean, she is miraculously saued from a shipwracke, hee must needs be a churlish but a cunning Waterman, that steeres in a Tempest so da [...]gerous: This first Riuer is a bit­ter water in taste, and vnsauou [...]y in sent, but who­soeuer drinks downe but halfe a draught of his re­mem [...]red former follies, Oh it cannot chuse but be [...] Gall is hony to it, Acheron like is a thicke water, and howe can it otherwise choose, being stirred with so m [...]ny thousand figh­ting perturbations.

Hauing passed ouer this first Riuer (as now you are) you shall presently ha [...]e your waie stopt with another, Its a little cut by l [...]d thither, but a tedi­ous and dangerous voyage by water.

Lies there a Boate readie (quor [...] my rich Iew of Malta) to take me in so so [...]ne a [...] I cal? No, saies the other, you must wait your mariners leisure, the same wrangling fellowe that was you [...] first man, is your last man: Marry you shallie at euery Hauens mouth for a wind,L [...]athing of our [...] the second [...]. til Belzab [...]s hale you for Ach [...] ­ron (after many circumgirations) fale i [...] to the S [...]igian Lake (your second Riuer carries that name) It is the water of Loathsomnes, and runnes with a swifter Current then the former [...] f [...] when the soule sees deaths Barge tarrying for her, shee be­gins to be sorie for her ante acted euil [...], and then shees sayling ouer Acheron, but when sh [...] drawer the Curtaine, and lookes narrowly vpon the pic­tures, [Page] which her own hand drew, and findes them to be vgly, she abhorres her owne work-manship, and makes haste to hoyste vp more Sayles, and to bee transported swiftlie ouer the Stygian Torrent, whose waters are so reuerend, that the Gods haue no other oath to sweare by.

The third Ryuer is Cocitus, somewhat clearer then both the other,Repentance of our sinnes, the third Water. and is the water of Repen­tance, beeing an Arme of Styx: Many haue heere bene cast away, and frozen to death, when the Ri­uer hath waxen cold, (as oftentimes it doth,) ney­ther are all sortes of Soules suffred to saile vpon it, for to some (as if the water had sense, and could not brooke an vnworthy burden,) it swells vp into tempests, and drownes them, to others more loue cannot appeare in Dolphins to men, then in that does smoothnes.

Besides these, there are Phlegeton and Pyriphle­geton that fall in with Cocytus (burning Riuers,) In which (tho they be dreadfull to looke vppon,) are no vtter danger:Vnlesse you saile safety o­uer the wa­ters of Re­pentanc, you are in danger to be drownd in Dispaire. If the Ferry-man waft you safe­lie, ouer the waters of Repentance, otherwise those hote liquors will scalde you.

But what a Traytoram I, (to the vndiscouered Kingdomes,) thus to bring to light their dearest Treasury? sworne am I to the Imperiall State In­fernall, and what dishonour would it bee to my Knight-hood, to be found forsworne?

Seale vp your lips therefore I charge you, and drinke downe a full bowle of this Lethoean water, [Page] which shall wash out of you the remembrance of any thing I ha [...]e spoken: Be proude thou Grand­child of Mammō, that I haue spent these minutes vppon thee, for neue [...] shall any breathing mortall man, with tortures wring our of mee so much a­gaine. There [...]yes your way: Fare well.

In such a strange Language was this vltimum Vale sent forth, that Mounsieur Money-monger stood onely staring and yawning vpon him, but could speake no more: yet at the last (Coniuring vp his best Spirits, he onely in a dumb shew, (with pittifull action, like a Player, (when hee's out of his part,) made signes to haue a Letter deliuered by the Carryer, of condemnation, to his Sonne, (a young R [...]ueller, prick't downe to stand in the Mer [...]ers bookes for next Christmasse,) which in a dumbe shewe, likewise beeing receyued, they both turn'de backe the Vsu­rer, looking as hungrilie, as if he had kist the post.


[...]ells Sculler and the Pursiuant of Heauen,
Cast mery reckonings vp, but growe not euen
Tilla Plague [...]alls: Soldiers set out a throate
For Char [...]n: Eps comes mangled to his boate.

AT the Banck ende, when Plutoes pursiuāt came to take water, Mer­curie, (that runs of all the errands betweene the Gods) hauing bin of a message from Ceres, to her daughter Proserpine, (the Queen of lower Affrica, Lucian in Dialog. finding Charon idle in his boat, be­cause (as if it had bene out of Terme time) no Fares was stirring, fel to cast vp old reckonings, between himselfe, & the weatherbeaten Sculler, for certain tryfling money, layd out about Charons businesse. So that the Knight slipping in like a Constable to part a Fray, was requested to be as Arbitator.

The first Item that stood in his Bill, was, For nayles to mend your Wherrie, when twoo Dutchmen comming drunck from the Renishwine-house, split three of the boards with their club fi [...]ts, thinking they had cal'd for a reckoning. iiij. pence.

Those Butter-boxes (sayes Charon) owe me a peny vpon the foote of that account: For I could distill out of them but onely three poore drops of siluer for the voyage, & all my losse at Sea. Whats next?

Item, laid out for pitch to trim your boat about the middle of the last plague, because she might go [Page] light & vare, and do her labour cleanly, xj. pence.

I am ouer-reckoned that odde penny, (quoth Charon, and Ile neuer yeeld to pay it, but vi & ar­mis, that's to say, by lawe. I disburst it (by my Ca­ducens sayes the Herald) nay sayes Charon, if thou wilt defile thy conscience with a penny-worth of pitch, touch [...]ill: on.

Itē, for glew & whipcord, to mēd your brokēoar, iij. d.

That's reasonable; yet I haue caryed some in my Wherie that haue had more whip-cord giuen them for nothing [...] on.

Item laid out for Iuniper to persume the boate, when certain Frenchmē were to go by water: j. ob. I, a pox on them, who got by that? on.

Item lent to a company of Countrey-players, be­ing nine in number, one sharer, & the rest Iourneymen, that with strowling were brought to deaths door, xiij. d. ob. vpon their stocke of apparell, to pay for boat hyre, because they would trye if they might be suffered to play in the Diuels name, which stock afterwardes came into your clawes, and you dealt vpon it: xiij. ob.

They had his hand to a warrant (quoth Charon) but their ragges serued to make me Swabbers, be­cause they neuer fetcht it againe, so that belike hee proued a god Lord and master to them, and they made new Pergementiri. Tickle the next Minkin.

Item, when a Cobler of Poetrie, called a Playe pat­cher, was condemned with his Catte to be duckt three times in the cucking-stoole of Pyriphlegeton, (beeing one of the scalding Riuers,) till they both [Page] dropt again, because he scolded against his betters, and those whom hee liued vppon, laid out at that time for straw, to haue caried pusse away if she had kittend, to auoyd anie catterwalling in Hell. j. pennie.

Mew, they were not both wroth a pennie: on.

Item, for needle and threed to [...]arne vp aboue two and fiftie holes in your sailes, and to a Bot­cher for halfe a dayes worke about it: vij. pence.

That botcher I preferd to be Lucifers Tailer, be­cause he workes with a hot needle and burnt threede, and that seuen pence he gaue me for my good will, why should not I take bribes as well as others, I will clip that money, and melt it. Not for my Bill (sayes the Herald of the gods) for it went out of my purse, the Tayler may pay it▪ backe a­gaine, it is but stealing so much the more, or cut­ting out 5. quarters to a garment, nay, Mercurie, you shall filch for vs both, for all the gods know you are a notable Pick-pocket, as the knight of the Post here can take his oath, but what is your Sum­ma totalis, (quoth Charon) Summa totalis, answeres the other comes to three shillings and a pennie. The Scullèr told him, hee was now out of Cash, it was a hard time, he doubts there is some secrete Bridge made ouer to Hell, and that they steale thither in Coaches, for euery Iustic [...]s wife, and the wife of euery Cittizen must bee iolted now.

But howsoeuer the market goes, beare with me, (quoth Charon) till there come another plague, or [Page] till you heare of such another battaile as was at Newport, or till the Dunkirks catch a Hoy of Hol­landers, and tumble them ouer-boord, or til there be more ciuill Wars in France, or if Pa [...]ris garden would but fall downe againe, I should not onely wipe off this olde score, but hope to make mee a new boat. Mercury seeing no remedy (tho he knew well enough he was not without mony) tooke his wings, and away went he to Olympus. The Postes iorney lay nothing neere that path, but inquiring whether one Pier [...] Penni [...]esse came not ouer in his Fer [...]y: and vnderstanding, because hee could not pay his Fare, he was faine to goe a great way about to Elizium, thither in an Irish gallop is our swea­ring knight gone.

Scarce was hee out of kenne, but on the other side of the Riuer stoode a companie crying out lustily,William Eps his death. A Boat, hey, a Boat, hey, and who should they be but a gallant troope of English spirits (all mangled) looking like so many old Romans, that for ouercomming death in their manly resoluti­ons, were sent away out of the field, crowned with the military honour of Armes. The foremost of them was a personage of so composed a presence, that Nature and Fortune had done him wrong, if [...]hey had not made him a souldier. In his counte­nance, there was a kinde of indignation, fighting with a kind of exalted ioy, which by his very ge­sture were apparantly descipherable, for he was io­cond, that his soule went out of him in so glorious a triūph; but disdainfully angry, that she wrought [Page] her enargement through no more daungers: yet were there bleeding witnesses inow on his breast, which testified, he did not yeelde till he was con­quered, and was not conqu [...]red, till there was left nothing of a man in him to be ouercome. For be­sides [...]hose Mortui & Muti testes, which spake most for him, when he himselfe was past speaking, (thogh their mouthes were stopped with scarres) he made shift to lay downe an ouer-plus of life, (when the debt was discharged at one mortall payment before) onely to shew in what abiect account he held deathes tyranny. Charon glow­ring vpon him, demanded who he was, but hee skorning to be his owne Chronicle, and not suf­fering any of the rest to execute the office, they al leaped into the Ferry. Amongst whome, one that sate out of his hearing, but within the reach of the Waterman, (to shorten the way) discoursed all, thus:

England (quoth hee) gaue him breath, Kent education, he was neuer [...]uer-maistered, but by his own affections: against whom, whensoeuer he got the victorie, there was a whole man in him: he was of the sword, and knewe better how to ende quarrels, then to beginne them; yet was more apt to begin, then other (better bearded) were to an­swer, with which (some that were euer bound to the peace) vpbraided him as a blemish. His coun­try barring him (for want of action) of that which he was borne to inherit, (same) he went in quest of it into the Low Countries, where (by his deare [Page] earnings) hee bequeathed that to those of his name, with nothing, but his name seemed to de­priue him of in England. Ost-end beeing be­sieged, hee lost one of his eyes, whilst hee loo­ked ouer the walles, which first storme did ra­ther driue him on to more dangerous aduentures, though to the hazard euen of a shipwracke, (then like a fearefull Merchant) to runne his fortunes and reputation on ground, for the boysterous threatnings of euery idle billow. So this his reso­lution set vpon his rest, to leaue all the remainer of his body to that Countrey, which had take from him one of the best iewells of his life, since it had a peece of him, he would not so dishonor the place, as to carry away the rest broken. Into the field therefore comes he, the sates putting both his eies into one, (of purpose) because he should looke vp­on none but his enemies: where, a battaile being to be sought, the desert aduanced him to aduance the Colours; by which dignitie, he became one of the fairest markes, which was then to be shot at: and where a great part of that daies glory was to be wonne; for the Regent that followed his En­signe, (by being hardly set to) giuing ground, and the enemies ambition, thirsting after his Colours, threw at all, in hope to winne them. But the de­stinies (who fought on their side) mistooke them­selues, and in steede of striking the Colours out of his hand, smote him: in so much, that hee was twice shot, & twice runne through the body, yet wold not surrender his hold for al those breaches, [Page] but stripping the prize for which they stroue, off from the staffe that helde it vp, and wrapping his dying bodie in it, drewe out his weapon, with which before his Collours could bee called his winding sheete, he threwe himselfe into the thic­kest of danger: where after he had slaine a horse­man, and two other; most valiantlie, hee came off (halfe dead, halfe aliue,) brauely deliuering vp his spirit in the ar [...]es of none but his friendes and fellow souldiers.

So that (as if Fortune had beene iealous of her owne wauering,) death (at her intreatie) tooke him away, in the noone-tide of a happinesse; lest anie blacke euenings ouercasting should spoyle it with alteration. He was married to the honour of a fielde in the morning, and died in the Armes of it the same day, before it was spoyled of the mayden-head: so that it went away chaste and vnblemishable. To conclude, (Father Sculler) because I see wee are vppon landing, heere is as much as I can speake in his praise: he dyed Aun­cient in the very middest of his youth.

Charon hum'de and and cryde well: and ha­uing rid his boat of them, dyrected them to those happie places, which were alotted out to none but Martialists.


The Fieldes of [...]oye describ'de: None there must dwell,
[...] purged Soules, and such as haue done well:
Some Soldiers there: and some that [...] in Loue,
Poets sit singing in the Baye-tree Groue.

WH [...] the [...] man was plying his Fares, & following his thrift, the wandring knight, (Syr Dago­ [...]) hauing d [...]patch't with the [...] that hee [...] hee went, was [...]ust at that time walking in one of the [...] Gardens; hee meant to take that in his waye, But the internall lawes barring him from entrance into those sacred palaces, he wa [...]ed the other to him, and [...]hen related (verbatim) his maisters answere and resolution: which the Sup­pliant receiues (considering he was now where he would be) with as [...]we words as hee was wont to carry pence in his pu [...]s [...]. The Post hauing as little to say to him, cast onely a sleight eye vppon all the Elizaan [...] (much like to a disdainfull phāta­sticke French-man when he comes into a s [...]raunge countrey, as though he trauelled rather to be seen then to obserue) and vp hee leapes vpon one of the Diuells hackneys▪ and away he rides, to follow his [...] busines▪ about which whilst hee is damnably swea [...]ing, let mee carrie you into those [Page] Insul [...] Fortunatae, ordained to be the Abydings, for none but blessed Soules.

The walles that incompasse these goodly habi­tations, are white as the forehead of Heauens they glyster like pollisht Iuorie, but the stuffe is fyner: high they are, like the pillers that vphold the Court of loue; & strong they are, as Tow [...]rs built by En­chauntment: there is but one Gate to it All, and thats of refined Siluer: So narrowe it is, that but one at once can enter: Round about, weares it a gyrdle of waters, that are sweet, redolent, & Chri­stalline: the leaues of the vine are not so pre [...]ious, the Nectar of the Gods nothing so delicious.

Walk into the Groues, you shall heare all sor [...]s of birds melodiously singing: you shall see Swaynes defly piping, and virgins chaftly dancing. Shep­heards there, liue as merily as Kings, and kings are glad to be companions with Shepheardes. The widow there complains of no wrong: the orphan sheads no teares, for Couetousnes cannot carrie it a­way with his Gold, nor Crueltie with the swaye of Greatnesse, the poore Client needes see no Lawyer to pleade for him, for theres no Iurie to condemne him, nor Iudges to astonish him, there is all mirth, without immodestie: all health without base abu­sing of it: all sorts of Wines without intemperance: all Riches without Sensualitie: all Beauty without painting: all Loue without dissimulation. Win­ter there playes not the Tyrant, neither is the Som­mers breath pestilēt: for Spring is all the yere long, tricking vp the Boughes: so that the trees are euer [Page] flourishing, the fruites euer growing, the flowers euer budding: yea such cost, and such Arte is be­stowed vppon the A [...]bours, that the very benches (whereon these blest Inhabitants sit) are sweet beds of violets: the beds whereon they lye, bancks of Muske-r [...]ses: their pillows hearts, are hearts-ease, their Sheetes the silken leaues of Willow.

Neither is this a Common Inne, to all Trauellers, but the very Pallace wher Happines her selfe main­taines her Court, and none are allowed to followe her, but such as are of merit. Of all men in the world Landlords dare not quarter thēselues here, because they are Rackers of rents: a pettifogger, that has taken brybes, wilbe dambd ere he come neere the gates. A Fencer is not allow'd to stand within 12. score of the Place: no more is a Vintner, nor a Farmer, nor a Taylor, vnlesse he creep through the eye of his Needle: no, and but fewe Gentlemen-Vshers. Women▪ (for all their subtiltie,) scarce one amongst fiue hūdred has her pewe there, espe­cially old Myd-wiues, Chamber-maides, & way­ting-wenches, their dooings are too well knowne, to be let into these lodgings. No, no, none can be free of these Liberties, but such as haue consci­ences without cracks, hands not spotted with vn­cleannesse; feete not worne out with walking to mischiefe, and heartes that neuer were hollowe. Listen therefore, and I will tel you what Passengers haue licence to land vpon these shores.

Young Infants that dye at the brest, and haue not suckt of their parents sinnes, are most welcom [Page] thither for their innocēcy. Holy singers whose di­uine Anthemes haue boūd [...]oules by their charmes & whose liues are Tapers of virgin waxe, set in sil­uer candlesucks, to guide Men out of errors dark­nes, they knowe their places there▪ and haue them for then Integri [...]y.

Some Schollers are admitted into this societie, but the number of them all is not halfe so many as are in one of the Colledges of an Vniuersitie, and the reason is, they eyther kindle firebrands (in the the sanctified places) by their contention; or kill the hearts of others by their coldnes.

One field there is amongst all the rest, set round about with willows, It is call'd the field of M [...]ur­ning and in this (vpon bancks of flowers that wi­ther away, euen with the scorching sighes of those that [...] vppon them,) are a band of Malecontents: they looke for all the world like the mad-folkes in bedlam, and desire (like them) to be alone, & these are For [...]orn louers: such as pyn'de away to nothing, for nothing: such as for the loue of a wanton wench, haue gone crying to their graues, whilst she in the mean time, went (laughing to see such a kinde cox­combe) into anothers bed: All the ioye that these poore fooles feed vpon, is to sit singing lamentable ballades to some dolefull tunes▪ for tho they haue chang'de their olde liues, they cannot forget their young loues; they spend their time in making of myr [...]e garlands, & shed so much water out of their eyes, that it hath made a prettie little riuer, which [...] so s [...]king: continually at the roots of the wil­low [Page] trees, that halfe the leaues of them, are almost washt into a whitenes.

There is another piece of ground, where are in­camped none but Soldiers: and o [...] those, not all sortes of Soldiers neither, but onely such as haue died noblie in the warres: and yet of those, but a certaine number too: that is to say, such that in execution were neuer bloudy: in their Countries reuenge, seuere, but not cruell: such as held death in one hand, and mercy in the other: such as ne­uer rauisht maidens, neuer did abuse no widowes, neuer gloried in the massacre of babes: were ne­uer druncke, of purpose before the battaile began, because they would spare none, nor after the bat­taile did neuer quarrell about pledging the health of his whoare. Of this Garrison, there are but a few in pay, & therfore they liue without Mu [...]iny.

Beyond all these places is there a Groue, which stands by it selfe like an I [...]and; for a s [...]eame (th [...]t makes musicke in the running) cla [...]p [...] it round a­bout like a hoope girdle of christall: Lawrells grew so thicke on all the bankes of it, that lighming it selfe if it came thither, hath no power to pierce through them. It seemes (without) a desolate and vnfrequented wood, (for those within are retyrde into themselues) but from th [...] came forth such harmonious sounds, that birdes build nests onely, in the trees there, to teach T [...]nes to their young ones prettily. This is called The Gro [...] of Bay Trees, and to this Consort Rome, res [...] one but the chil­dren of Pboebus, (Poets and Mus [...]tons:) the one [Page] creates the ditty, and giues it the life or number, the other lends it voyce, and makes it speake mu­sicke. When these happy Spirits sit asunder, their bodies are like so many Starres, and when they ioyne togither in seuerall troopes, they shew like so many heauenly Constellations. Full of pleasant Bowers and queint Arboures is all this Walke. In one of which, old Chaucer, reuerend for prioritie, blythe in cheare, buxsome in his speeches, and be­nigne in his hauiour, is circled a round with all the Makers or Poets of his time, their hands leaning on one anothers shoulders, and their eyes fixt se­riously vpon his, whilst their eares are all tied to his tongue, by the golden chaines of his Numbers; for here (like Euanders mother) they spake all in verse: no Attick eloquence is so sweete: their lan­guage is so pleasing to the goddes, that they vtter their Oracles in none other.

Gra [...]e Spencer was no sooner entred into this Chappell of Apollo, but these elder Fathers of the di­uine Furie, gaue him a Lawrer & sung his Welcome: Chaucer call'de him his Sonne, and plac'de him at at his right hand. All of them (at a signe giuen by the whole Quire of the Muses that brought him thither,) closing vp their lippes in silence, and tu­ning all their eares for attention, to heare him sing out the rest of his Fayrie Queenes praises.

In another companie sat learned Watson, indu­strious Kyd, ingenious Atchlow, and tho (hee had bene a Player, molded out of their pennes) yet be­cause he had bene their Louer, and a Register to the [Page] Muses, Inimitable B [...]ntley: these were likewise ca [...] rowsing to one another at the holy well, some of them singing Paeans to Apollo, som of them Hymnes to the rest of the Goddes, whil'st Marlow, Greene, and Peele had got vnder the shades of a large vyne, laughing to see Nash (that was but newly come to their Colledge,) still haunted with the sharpe and Satyricall spirit that followd him heere vpon earth: for Nash inueyed bitterly (as he had wont to do) a­gainst dry-fifted Patrons, accusing them of his vn­timely death, because if they had giuen his Muse that cherishment which shee most worthily deser­ued, hee had fed to his dying day on fat Capons, burnt sack and Suger, and not so desperately haue ventur'de his life, and shortend his dayes by kee­ping company with pickle herrings: the rest ask't him what newes in the world, hee told them that Barbarisme was now growne to bee an Epidemiall disease, and more common then the tooth-ache: being demaunded how Poets and Players agreed now, troth sayes hee, As Phisitions and patients a­gree, for the patient loues his Doctor no longer then till hee get his health, and the Player loues a Poet, so long as the sickn [...]sse lyes in the two-penie gallery when none will come into it: Nay (sayes he) into so lowe a miserie (if not contempt,) is the sacred Arte of Po [...]sie falne, that tho a wryter (who is worthy to [...]it at the table of the Sunne,) wast his braines, to earne applause [...]rom the more worthie Spirits, yet when he has done his best, hee workes but like O [...]nus, that makes ropes in hell; for as hee [Page] twists, an Asse stands by and bites them in sunder, and that Asse is no other than the Audience with hard hands. He had no sooner spoken this, but in comes Chettle sweafing and blowing, by reason of his satnes, to welcome whom, because hee was of olde acquaintance, all rose vp, and fell present­lie on their knees, to drinck a health to all the Lo­uers of Hellicon: in dooing which, they made such a mad noyse, that all this Coniu­ring which is past, (beeing but a dreame,) I suddenlie started vp, and am now awake.


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