IN a strange Land, neuer found out till now of late in this present time, there was a kind of people that had great heads and litle wits, & strong bodies, but weake hearts. The men were onely knowne by their shapes from monsters, and the women onely by their tongues from pictures: the aged spent their time most in wearinesse, and the youthfull in wantonnes: their Cities and Townes were of ancient buildings; their houses large within, and without beautiful, many roomes richly furnished, and with many pictures but few people: their gardens and orchards so full of flowers and fruites, and so finely dressed, planted and pruned, and weeded, that it seemed they made their pallaces their Paradise: for by their hellish courses it seemed that they thought of no other heauen.

Nature being (as it were) the goddesse of their worship, when supernatural was too high for their capacities their apparel of diuers colours according to the varietie of their humors their Churches like shops, and their wares bables; their inuentions Apish, and their fashions foolish; while their wisdome going no further then the world, kept them from the wealth aboue the world. Their language more full of eloquence then truth, and their actions of more craft then conscience. Their Priests reade a language, that often gauelleth their owne vnderstandings; and their Religion is without rule of grace. Their deuotion is full of darknesse; for they cannot see in the day time without a candle: and their prayers are by the dozen, when if they miss-tell one, they thinke all the rest lost. And for Saints, they haue so many to serue, that the diuell wil not let them come at God.

Meetings they haue many, vpon small matters. Their musicke is most in a Iewes trumpe, and their dances are all without measure. Feasts they make many times, when their flesh is Guls, and their fish Gudgeons.

The rich are for the most part couetous, and the poore patient: for punishment is much more common then charitie. Cuckolds they haue in communitie; for they are not so wise as to account of honestie: and for wittals, they haue it growne to such a custome, that it neuer troubles their conceit. Their wooing is like bargaining; for their purses make their matches: and iealousie so holds in loue, as kils the comfort of kindnes; when the agents for flesh, breake the order of fasting dayes.

Warres they haue seldom, and their quarels most vpon the cup; their great Ordinance are Pot-guns, and their small shot halfe Cans. Their fields are commonly cellers, where they are so ouercome with kindnesse, that their forces are all ouerthrowne. When they are to trauell, they haue horses, but most of them Hobbies, which commonly they buy at Faires for small prices: and some few Hackneys, that are such T •• s, that they will start at euery Butterflie, and fall downe ere a man be well mounted. Their riding is without spurres; for their Nagges are willing enough for their way.

Asses they haue many, which beare great burthens; and when they haue laboured them all day, they walke them at night; and they feed them poorely. Their dogs are commonly little ones, and they are most of them called Fancies, which when they grow olde they knocke them on the heads. Cattell they haue store, and most of them Cowes; for there is hardly a house without a Calfe: and Swine a world; for euery Stie hath a Sow or two in her. Birds they haue many, but their chiefe pleasure is in Wagtailes, that are pretie fowles, and euer pidling in water plashes. Cuckoes they haue great store, but they sing onely in May; and Parrots very many, that talke strange things in their languages: and Cock-Sparrowes so many, that they can scarce find Hens for their treading. Duckes and Geese in abundance, and they breed out of measure. Other birds they haue, as Tittimouses and Robin Redbreasts, Larks and Buntings, which were often caried to the markets, and bought for small prices. Ringdoues they had many, but Turtles very few. Exercises they haue many but chiefly wrestling, when they haue more foiles then faire falls. Sometime they vse riding of the wilde Mare, shooing of the Goose, and sho • ting at the Conie. Hunting they vse little, but to finde a Hare at squat, a Doe at laire, a Foxe in a snare, a Mouse in a trap, a Woodcocke in a springe, or a Blackbird in a pitfall.

Some strange trickes they haue to get mony with, as to make a Begger speake like a Lord, a Foole like a wise man, a Cobler like a Captaine, and a boy like a wench; but that is but for a time; for when the date of the letter is past, the counterfet is conceiued, and the Metamorphosis returneth to his owne shape. When there are any burials, they mourne much; for the youthfull, because they die so soone; for the aged, because they liued so long: for the wise, because there is so few left; and for the foolish, because they want companie: for the rich, that they had no more for them, and for the poore, that they might haue prayed for them: wiues for their husbands, because they are vnprouided of new; husbands for their wiues, because seldome comes the better: parents for children, because of the losse of hope of their goodnesse; children for their parents, for losse of hope of the more goods. But their mournings were not long, for they lasted not so long as their apparell; for out of sight, out of minde; and they knew they must liue by the liuing, and not by the dead. The mony-men are very couetous, for they will not lose the scraping of a kettle; and the women are very miserable, for when they make broth, though it be very thin, they will not lose the dropping of their noses. For the yong things, they are as wanton as kitlings, for they will play with a mouse, till they haue wearied her of her life: and for the aged, they are so melancholik, that the youthfull haue no pleasure in them. For Louers, they are so foolish that they will weepe if they haue not their wils; but if the Groome get his Bride, he will so pranke it, and she so prinke it, that while it is hony Moone there wil be such ioy, as if Summer should neuer heare of Winter. Languages they haue not many, and few that speake one wel: and for learning, it is most in obseruation; for as the Gander goes, the Geese follow. Their husbandrie is most in turning vp of fat earth; and their corne is Rie and Oates, which they sow in the Spring, and reape in the Fall. Diseases they haue not many, for labour sweates out ill humors but for their womē they are ful of qualmes, especially when they haue declined with the masculine gender.

Their trafficke is much for trumpery, and if they saue their stockes whole, they thinke they haue made a good market. Their Aduentures are fearfull, for they endanger the body for the soule: and their mindes are so fantasticke, that their wits are like weathercocks. Friendship they regard not, but take it as they finde it: and for loue, it is so light, that they know not how to take hold of it. They haue among them certaine Fortune tellers, which vse commonly among fooles: and for knaues, they are so cunning, that they go vnder the shadow of honest men. Some odde shauers they haue among them, called Die Doppers, whose diuing or dopping somtimes proues deadly; for they will diue so closely into your pocket for your purse, that you can hardly see them till they be vpon the gallowes. Other kinde of close mates there are, that cary Rings in their mouthes, to keepe their tongues within their teeth; and they are called Squiers, but they are onely of the order of the Apple: their names are often recorded in a Court of Correction, where the Registrer of Rogues makes no little gaine of Rascabilians. Other kind of subtill companions there are, which are called Setters, which finding yong heads that are too narrow in the browes, will feed their humors with such follies, as may either bring them to beggery, or in the height of an idle braine, for words aboue wit, breake the backs of their estates, or send them to heauen in a string. Now these, they say, are great with the Diuell, for they do a great deale of mischiefe in the world: their names are onely found in the notes of destruction, for by their hellish courses they sell themselues to damnation. Other kind of knick-knackers there are, which betwixt knaue and foole can make an ilfauourd passage through the world. Schollers they haue many, that are perfect in the home-book, who when they were yong, were taught their crosse-row, and to spell and put together, before they could well reade.

They had moreouer a kind of Rimers, which were great proficients to the Players and Pedlers, which are the fooles of Poets, for they taste little of Poetry, more then the last two letters: but for the pot, they may well challenge that badge, for it is the maintainer of their Muses. Now among all these, they haue a kinde of Naturals, which get the start of better wits, for they are prouided for the backe and the belly, without care or labour; and somtime haue accesse where better braines are barred out: and if they be she-fooles, they are kept fine and cleanly, to come and play with children and aged people. But among all these, it is set downe▪ that there is one great foole of their owne chusing, that for a certaine time hath the commandement of most part of them, who during his time may do very much in little matters; who with his copesmates, hauing in his hand the staffe of smal strength, and willing to shew the greatnesse of his little wit, for to make a Stable of his gouernment, to the subiects of his Supernoditie, set downe certaine Articles to be obserued and carefooly to be lookt vnto, as they would answer it at their pleasure, and those scarce worth the printing; yet were to be read in Markets, Faires, Wakes, and merrie meetings, vpon such dayes as should be thought fit for such a purpose.

These were the chiefe Articles agreed vpon among his Ninnihammers, which being published among poore fo • l • s, were kept as well as they could hit on it.

Now to the purpose, such a Commonwealth for a dog, being gouerned by Apes and Asses, the great Foole of all must needs be a strange beast, and yet in the shape of a man he walkes strangely through the world: and one thing among other he hit on strangely to saue charges in charitie, hee tooke this order for beggers, that rather then they should lacke lodging, they should sit in the stockes, and in stead of almes perswade them to fasting, because abstinence is a fit preparation to prayer.

This little worshipful Iohn a Nods, in stead of a mistakē gentleman, hath bin in his youth brought vp in learning how to reade ilfauouredly, and to write worse, and yet with much adoe, after his schoolemistris an old woman with spectacles had taught him his Primer, and the Clerke of a country Church had taught him to write a Copie or two, and put his name to a bill Lobligatorie, he grew to such a delight in reading of Ballads and hearing of olde stories, that he bought at the second hand out of the Librarie of little learning, some few bookes of his mothers language, which hauing kept long in an old chest did now serue him for his Librarie: which bookes sometime asse he was able to finde idle time, which at the best is little better, he would now and then take out of his course cabbinet, and reade by peece-meales as it came into his addle braine: the names whereof, as I found them set downe, were these, I meane chiefly those whom his little vnderstanding tooke most pleasure in: Presidents of Imperfections, Newes of no importance, and Labour in vaine.

And first for Presidents of Imperfections:

He that would put out his eyes, because he would see no vanities, would be a blind man, and so an imperfect man.

He that would cut out his tongue, because he would tell no vntruthe, should be a dumbe man, and so an imperfect man.

He that would cut off his hands, because he would take no bribes, should be a lame man, and so an imperfect man.

And as of men, so of women.

A maide is no perfect woman, because without the helpe of man, she is onely called a Maide, and not a woman.

A widow is an imperfect woman, because with the losse of her man, she loseth the title of a woman, and is onely called a widow, but not a woman.

A barren woman is no perfect woman; for a woman was created to increase an multiply: till therefore she haue brought forth children, she is an imperfect woman, except the fault be in the man, and then he is an imperfect man, to put such imperfection vpon a woman.

A whore is no perfect woman; for euery woman is either a maide, a wise, or a widow; and being neither of these, she must needs be a monster, and so an imperfect woman.

A painted woman is no perfect woman, for all women by nature are either faire or foule: but if an artificial faire be set vpon a foule complexion, it makes but a speaking picture, and a picture is no perfect woman.

These and such like were his Presidents of imperfections, which for his poore instruction he would take some idle humors to bestow his blind sight vpon.

The next booke was intituled, Newes of no importance, which I found set downe as followeth.

First, in the Gulfe of small grace, neare to the coast of Comgligrande, vpon the fourteenth day of the fifteenth moneth, in the strange yeare of foule weather, it is said, that in the passage boate betweene Verola and Gon • ria, two dangerous places for infection, the boate entring into the Lake of Lasciuiousnes, a very vnwholsome harbor, with ouercharging the vessell, perished a great number of poore people, who bringing but common ware to the market, and their greatest losses being Asses and galled Hackneys it seemed there was no great misse of them, for I find nothing worthy nothing written of them, and therefore being Newes of no importance, they serued onely for a tale of a tub, to exercise the braines of such a Hogshead.

Secondly, from the land of Vnluckinesse, in the citie of Sinfulnesse, it was reported that Sir Henrie had land, Sir Lawrence litle wit, and Sir Ninny nothing worth, three Knights of the Order of Saint-Asse, men of infamous memorie, after that they had runne through the courses of expences, without euer hope of recouerie of either coine or credit, going in the gulfe of Canavery, to see a Beare hunt a wilde ducke, fell by chance into a But of Malligo, where they were drowned horse and foot: what became of their Funerals, or Epitophs vpon their deaths, hauing no matter in their liues to be recorded, I can say nothing, but that the Newes being of no great importance, it is no matter for their passage out of life, but for feare of their passage to no better; and so let them go, and as many fooles as will follow them.

Thirdly, in the Iland of Saint Elfe, the great Ladie of little worth, which was no lesse kinde to her neighbours, then readie to entertaine strangers, and for her recreation had set vp many May-poles in diuers places neare to her dwelling place. Now for her diet, she vsed most to feede vpon such morsels as most fitted her appetite, especially such nourishing meates as best agreed with the constitution of her complexion; when in an idle humour one euening she was so busie with a Lobstart, that with a surfet vpon the same, she fell quezie stomackt, and so inflam'd her blood, that she grew fantasticke, and in a few nights after set many of her Maypoles on fire, and in a little time after, with the extremitie of passion, fell into the Falling sicknesse, which in a short time brought her carkas into a consumption, and so in a few dayes after into her last lodging in the earth: but for any great memoriall of her, I reade nothing, but that in her life time she had the breaking vp of youth, who since her death haue continued their course to their vtter condemnation; but since that for any matter of great note, more then that shee was a notorious peece of pedlers stuffe, the newes being of no importance, it is no matter what became of her.

4. In the valley of Saint Grineums, the great Lord of Lo • zie bush, venturing to ride late in the night, and not seeing his way, fell into a deepe bog, where he was so bemir'd, that with a cold after a heate, he caught such a relapse, as that many of his copartners in his passages were greatly afraid that he would fall into a consumption both of bodie and goods: a great infirmitie, and hardly to be helped. But hearing no matter of worth in the man, nor any thing, but that he liued in all vnworthinesse, and died nothing worth; the newes being of no importance, it is no matter what became of him, onely as a Lord of Langdebie • e, let him be well boiled, and serued in a messe of Bruesse at a beggers table, and so let him go.

5. From the coast of Careaway neare the Cape of ill Hope, there came newes of a little Knight of great valour, Sir Walter whet whistle, who was of that force, that whosoeuer encountred with him, if he stood long with him, in the end he was ouerthrowne Now there dwelt neare him one Sir Dogbolt Driebread, who did oftentimes make a roade into his countrey, and vpon a time set vpon him with all his Forces, thinking at vnawares to surprise with him; of which an euill neighbour to them both, Sir Swines head Great swallow hauing intelligence, with his armie came vpon them both, and so stoutly followed his fortune, that he tooke them both prisoners in the field, and made them both Tributaries to his greatnesse. Whether the newes be true or no, it is of no importance, and therefore onely fit for the great Foole to feede his humour withall.

6. In the vnknowne Iland, some twelue thousand miles from the great Bay of Port de Pouero, where the watrie monsters keepe their Court vnder water, it is reported, that in that Land were great store of flesh, but little wholesome for the vse of man, sauing onely Hares and Conies, which well dressed would now and then serue the • urne for a strong stomacke: For most of their other beasts were Foxes, Wolues, and Badgers and Polcats, which were the spoile of many yong Lambs and sucking Rabbets, yea and sometime of elder Game. They had also in that country great store of Foule and birds of diuers fethers, but few of them wholesome or toothsome, as Dawes, Rookes, Crowes, Night rauens, Shrich Owles, Cormorants and Guls, which feed vpon Lambs, Rabbets, Mice, Wormes, Fish, Carion and Garbidge, but few of them whose flesh was fit to be serued at any Table of account; but among many other Fetherd creatures, they had many balde Buzzards which fed much vpon Titrimouses and hedge sparrowes, which were no sooner out of the hedge, but they would be vpon them, and sometime so ouergorge themselues with them, that with foule feeding and ouerfeeding, they would fall flat on their backes, with their heeles vpward, so weake and faint, that euery Crow might haue a picke at them.

Now the Traueller into that country, who brought the newes from thence, being vnhappily by ill weather cast vpon that coast, and finding little or nothing to trade for, that might giue him hope of any gaine, hauing vpon a cold night lien watching at a Coniborough, and scarce well, and wearie, in the morning making haste to get on boord, with a fit gale for his purpose, put out of an ill harbour, and gate roundly to sea, and safely returned home againe, sauing that he gat such a numnesse in his ioynts and stiffnesse in his elbowes, that he could scarce put his hand to his head, to take off his hat at the deliuery of his trauell Of which hearing nothing worth any thing, being of no great importance, I found it serued onely for an idle Foole, to fit the great humour of his little wit.

7. In the Iland of A Merricat, vnder the Equinoctial line, in the Straits of Margerian in a swift current between the Lake Maudelina and the mouth of the riuer of Allitia, by reason of certaine vnwholesome vapors that arose out of certaine Sulphurous mines neare vnto the sea, diuers passage-boates perished, or grew so rotten, that if any of the passengers made shift to get home again, though with losse of their ware, and danger of their liues, yet neither they nor the vessels were euer fit for any good emploiment, or to any seruice of worth; but being likely that either they were olde vessels that could abide no foule weather, or some small Barkes that were swallowed vp in some swelling billowes, since the certaintie thereof is not yet knowne, and being doubted that some of them haue bin hotly shot at betwixt wind and water, till the returne of the next Gazette, there is little to be said to it; and being newes of no importance, it may passe for a Fable among the like fancies to fit the fancie of such a Foole.

8. From the Desert of Arabia it was reported that the people of that country liue strangely, neither by trade nor trafficke, fishing nor fowling, nor yet by cheating nor cozening, but by plaine theeuing; so that betwixt them and the Turkes there is such hauocke with killing and spoiling, that the poore Friers in diuers places among them or neare vnto them are in pitifull feare of their liues: a great deale of land they haue, but ill inhabited, and Fruit trees but few, and the Fruit very watrie, and of little or no good nourishment. They are commonly well horsed, and weaponed for Bowes and arrowes, darts and swords, but Peeces few or none: and therefore being no matter of importance, the newes are not worth the noting, more then that it is a wonder that they should haue a King among them, that may be called the King of theeues: For being all outlawes, they must haue a strange kind of gouernment, which it should seeme is but during pleasure.

Now to these and such other toyes, hee had some odde discourses of Labour in vaine, which were not many, but as they came to my hands I haue set them downe, which were as followeth.

1. In time out of minde, when Beasts and Birds could speake, and windes could whisle wondrous things, there was in a strange country a great bird like an Eagle, that flying vp and downe in diuers places of the world▪ espied by chance a far off a faire bird like a Phenix, vpon a high rocks, sitting among a number of faire Foules and sweete singing birds round about her, but she sat in a great maiestie aboue them all: now this other great bird in his pride scorning all birds but himselfe, and enuying the greatnesse of this faire blessed bird, called a councell of his kites together, to find out some deuice or other, wherby to seeke the death and ouerthrow, not onely of her, but of all the goodly Foules and sweete birds about her. Much talke there was how to bring this matter to effect, and the better to set it on work, before the enterprize was attempted, the great Bird sent out certaine Buzzards as spies to flicker about the coast of the country, where the faire bird kept her high flight, who being returned with matter of such maiestie, as bred increase of malice in the heart of the proud bird, he standing so much vpon his strength, that he thought no bird should be able to beare a fether in his frowne, commanded forthwith a number of cages to be made, in which he put a number of Peacocks, woodcocks, Dawes, Rauens and Crowes, Guls and Kites, to make warre with this faire Bird and her Fowles: which were no sooner put to sea, but a chattering Pie in all places where she flew, cried, Victorie, victorie: but hauing passed along the Seas, neare the coast, they were encountred with such a flight of braue birds, as put the cages with all their forces to such a flight, as so draue them vpon the rocks and sands, that few of them were able to get home, with the hard newes of their heauie fortune: but when the great Birde beheld the wofull spectacle of his drouping flight, hee fell into such an agonie, through a passion in his disgraced pride, finding his labor all in vain, stoupt his traine, hung downe his head, and shortly after turned vp his heeles. And thus ended his discourse of Labour in vaine; a tale of a tub without head or foote: and therefore, like a Fable of the Foxe and the Goose, I leaue it to the Gander with whom I found it.

2. In the Iland of Terra Lorida, a place of great merchandize of small wares, neare the chiefe Citie of Nullibi, in an vniuersalitie, in stead of an Vntuersitie, where Schollers were as ill read as taught, there was a deepe studient in the secrets of Nature, which labouring much to bring all to nothing, wrought day and night for the Mooneshine in the water, when hauing spent both time and meanes, to worke wonders out of imaginations, finding Nature not so subiect to Art, but to keep her owne power in all properties, when his fire lacked fuell, his eyes were ouermatched, and a long hope of great substance went away all in smoke; and while he laboured to marry the Sunne and the Moone together, there was such a cloud betweene his wit and the light of wisedome, that he could effect nothing to his purpose; and that with the stone of Philosophie, many braines had bin beaten long, and the head nere the better, with a great deale of griefe, and little hope of amends, walking one day to the Sea side, and studying how to find out the cause of the ebbing and flowing of the sea, but neuer able to finde it out, saw as it were a vision, or rather some conceited apparition of a man lading of water into a pot, which though it was full and ranne ouer, yet he still laded in water: when this little well learned Scholler wondring at his worke, asked him what he meant to do? quoth he, As you doe, Labour in vaine; and so vpon the sudden vanished out of his sight, and left him so perplexed, that with very pittie to see the passion of the poore man, I awaked.

3. In the old time when Hobgoblin and Robin good Fellow made country wenches keepe their houses cleane ouernight▪ for feare of walking spirits should get into their chambers, and ere they were aware slip into their beds, and get them with child before morning. In a country village called Lobkin the large, there dwelt a plaine dealing man, who with his wife a good breeding creature, with eating of Mummada pudding and the inward of a beast, with the helpe of a pot of Ale and Ginger, found the means to fill the world with beggers: the poore man hauing passed many dayes in no small purgatorie with her intollerable tongue, which would call him by many more names then belonged to a Christian, sought all the meanes to bring that vnquiet creature into some more peaceable course, pleasd her humor in all he could, but all would not suffice, but an Eios hawke would euer be prating; but when she was either at iacke or at feeding; so this tatling gossip that tooke a continuall pleasure to heare her selfe speake, though seldome to any good purpose; the poore man so tired out with trying all meanes he could to stay the ringing of this house bell, and finding his labour all in vaine, resolued to put on such a patience as was past all vnderstanding, and to let her talke till she was weary, which could be neuer while she had breath, and letting her haue her swinge till he could no longer suffer it, knowing a day appointed when they should ride to a Wake or a wassell, a merry meeting of gossips and their Assebands, her Mare that she vsde to ride to market on, being then in the stable and fed with the best hey and oates, to please his Dame, but little to her knowledge kept her from water a day and a night before she was to ride: but when the day came, and she was mounted and vpon her way, it fell out that they were to go through a deepe riuer, where the Mare greedy of water to quench her thirst, as almost or rather stronger headed then her Dame, ranne into the deepe, and stumbling in a hole, floundring out with much ado, threw her into the poole, and with much ado saued her selfe. When the poore man looking backe and not hearing her speake, who all the way before neuer held her peace, but was euer finding fault with the ill setting of her pannell, or the raines of her bridle, or the shooing of her neere foote, because she would now and then trip somewhat low, and so with one thing or other be euer finding fault to keepe her tongue wagging; but when he could not heare her speake, and seeing onely her clothes appeare a little in the water, after he had got out his Mare, called for helpe to get out his Dame, in a maner dead; which being layed on the bank, and the water powred out of her belly by her mouth, she gaue three or foure gasps, and opened her mouth as if she would haue spoken: whereat the poore man affrighted, started, and falling backward, me thought fell vpon me, and therewithall I awaked. And thus ended the dreame of the Labour in vaine, to quiet an vnquiet and an intollerable Scold.

Now this great Foole had also in his Librarie, in the bottome of his olde chest, certaine Poeticall, or rather potticall Dreames put into time, but for reason, more then for naturall capacities, I find little; yet such as they were, and fitted the humour of his noddle pate, as I found them after his death, left for a Legacie to his cousins Loblollies, I thought good to set them downe in maner and forme following.