STRANGE NEWES OVT OF DIVERS COVNTRIES, Neuer discouered till of late, by a strange Pil­grime in those parts.

The Pilgrimes

LONDON, Printed by W. Iones for George Fayerbeard, and are to be sold at his shop at the Royall Exchange. 1622.


NEwes are more tolde then true, especially if they come farre off; and if they be of State, they are dangerous to meddle with; if of home-spunne threed, it is held little worth. Stale newes are not worth the telling; but a new mat­ter neuer heard of before, will be hearkned after, though they be not worth the hearing: but yet a new thing of small price may be euery mans monie, especially if it take a liking in the humors of com­mon people. Such ware I haue sent to the market, newes from a strange countrie, of strange matters and stranze people, and among all, of one chiefe Ruler of the vnru­ly. What is to be read and vnderstood, followes in the leaues following; which if your patience will giue you leaue to peruse, you may finde more matter to laugh at, then imitate. Such as it is, I leaue it to your censure, and so rest

Your wel-wishing friend, B. N.

STRANGE NEWES OVT OF DIVERS COVNTRIES, Neuer discouered till of late, by a strange Pil­grime in those parts.

IN a strange Land, neuer found out till now of late in this present time, there was a kind of people that had great heads and litle wits, & strong bodies, but weake hearts. The men were onely knowne by their shapes from monsters, and the women onely by their tongues from pictures: the aged spent their time most in wearinesse, and the youthfull in wanton­nes: their Cities and Townes were of ancient buildings; their houses large within, and without beautiful, many roomes richly furnished, and with many pictures but few people: their gardens and orchards so full of flowers and fruites, and so finely dressed, planted and pruned, and weeded, that it seemed they made their pallaces their Paradise: for by their hellish courses it seemed that they thought of no other heauen.

Nature being (as it were) the goddesse of their worship, when supernatural was too high for their capacities their apparel of diuers colours according to the varietie of their humors their Churches like shops, and their wares bables; their inuentions Apish, and their fashions foolish; while their wisdome going no further then the world, kept them from the wealth aboue the world. Their language more full of eloquence then truth, and their actions of more [Page] craft then conscience. Their Priests reade a language, that often gauelleth their owne vnderstandings; and their Re­ligion is without rule of grace. Their deuotion is full of darknesse; for they cannot see in the day time without a candle: and their prayers are by the dozen, when if they miss-tell one, they thinke all the rest lost. And for Saints, they haue so many to serue, that the diuell wil not let them come at God.

Meetings they haue many, vpon small matters. Their musicke is most in a Iewes trumpe, and their dances are all without measure. Feasts they make many times, when their flesh is Guls, and their fish Gudgeons.

The rich are for the most part couetous, and the poore patient: for punishment is much more common then charitie. Cuckolds they haue in communitie; for they are not so wise as to account of honestie: and for wittals, they haue it growne to such a custome, that it neuer troubles their conceit. Their wooing is like bargaining; for their purses make their matches: and iealousie so holds in loue, as kils the comfort of kindnes; when the agents for flesh, breake the order of fasting dayes.

Warres they haue seldom, and their quarels most vpon the cup; their great Ordinance are Pot-guns, and their small shot halfe Cans. Their fields are commonly cellers, where they are so ouercome with kindnesse, that their forces are all ouerthrowne. When they are to trauell, they haue horses, but most of them Hobbies, which common­ly they buy at Faires for small prices: and some few Hack­neys, that are such T [...]s, that they will start at euery But­terflie, and fall downe ere a man be well mounted. Their riding is without spurres; for their Nagges are willing e­nough for their way.

Asses they haue many, which beare great burthens; and when they haue laboured them all day, they walke them at night; and they feed them poorely. Their dogs are commonly little ones, and they are most of them cal­led Fancies, which when they grow olde they knocke [Page] them on the heads. Cattell they haue store, and most of them Cowes; for there is hardly a house without a Calfe: and Swine a world; for euery Stie hath a Sow or two in her. Birds they haue many, but their chiefe pleasure is in Wagtailes, that are pretie fowles, and euer pidling in wa­ter plashes. Cuckoes they haue great store, but they sing onely in May; and Parrots very many, that talke strange things in their languages: and Cock-Sparrowes so many, that they can scarce find Hens for their treading. Duckes and Geese in abundance, and they breed out of measure. Other birds they haue, as Tittimouses and Robin Red­breasts, Larks and Buntings, which were often caried to the markets, and bought for small prices. Ringdoues they had many, but Turtles very few. Exercises they haue many but chiefly wrestling, when they haue more foiles then faire falls. Sometime they vse riding of the wilde Mare, shooing of the Goose, and sho [...]ting at the Conie. Hunting they vse little, but to finde a Hare at squat, a Doe at laire, a Foxe in a snare, a Mouse in a trap, a Woodcocke in a springe, or a Blackbird in a pitfall.

Some strange trickes they haue to get mony with, as to make a Begger speake like a Lord, a Foole like a wise man, a Cobler like a Captaine, and a boy like a wench; but that is but for a time; for when the date of the letter is past, the counterfet is conceiued, and the Me­tamorphosis returneth to his owne shape. When there are any burials, they mourne much; for the youthfull, because they die so soone; for the aged, because they liued so long: for the wise, because there is so few left; and for the foo­lish, because they want companie: for the rich, that they had no more for them, and for the poore, that they might haue prayed for them: wiues for their husbands, because they are vnprouided of new; husbands for their wiues, because seldome comes the better: parents for children, because of the losse of hope of their goodnesse; children for their parents, for losse of hope of the more goods. But their mournings were not long, for they lasted not so [Page] long as their apparell; for out of sight, out of minde; and they knew they must liue by the liuing, and not by the dead. The mony-men are very couetous, for they will not lose the scraping of a kettle; and the women are very mi­serable, for when they make broth, though it be very thin, they will not lose the dropping of their noses. For the yong things, they are as wanton as kitlings, for they will play with a mouse, till they haue wearied her of her life: and for the aged, they are so melancholik, that the youth­full haue no pleasure in them. For Louers, they are so foo­lish that they will weepe if they haue not their wils; but if the Groome get his Bride, he will so pranke it, and she so prinke it, that while it is hony Moone there wil be such ioy, as if Summer should neuer heare of Winter. Lan­guages they haue not many, and few that speake one wel: and for learning, it is most in obseruation; for as the Gan­der goes, the Geese follow. Their husbandrie is most in turning vp of fat earth; and their corne is Rie and Oates, which they sow in the Spring, and reape in the Fall. Dis­eases they haue not many, for labour sweates out ill hu­mors but for their womē they are ful of qualmes, especi­ally when they haue declined with the masculine gender.

Their trafficke is much for trumpery, and if they saue their stockes whole, they thinke they haue made a good market. Their Aduentures are fearfull, for they en­danger the body for the soule: and their mindes are so fantasticke, that their wits are like weathercocks. Friend­ship they regard not, but take it as they finde it: and for loue, it is so light, that they know not how to take hold of it. They haue among them certaine Fortune tellers, which vse commonly among fooles: and for knaues, they are so cunning, that they go vnder the shadow of honest men. Some odde shauers they haue among them, called Die Doppers, whose diuing or dopping somtimes proues deadly; for they will diue so closely into your pocket for your purse, that you can hardly see them till they be vpon the gallowes. Other kinde of close mates there are, that [Page] cary Rings in their mouthes, to keepe their tongues with­in their teeth; and they are called Squiers, but they are onely of the order of the Apple: their names are often recorded in a Court of Correction, where the Registrer of Rogues makes no little gaine of Rascabilians. Other kind of subtill companions there are, which are called Setters, which finding yong heads that are too narrow in the browes, will feed their humors with such follies, as may either bring them to beggery, or in the height of an idle braine, for words aboue wit, breake the backs of their e­states, or send them to heauen in a string. Now these, they say, are great with the Diuell, for they do a great deale of mischiefe in the world: their names are onely found in the notes of destruction, for by their hellish courses they sell themselues to damnation. Other kind of knick-knac­kers there are, which betwixt knaue and foole can make an ilfauourd passage through the world. Schollers they haue many, that are perfect in the home-book, who when they were yong, were taught their crosse-row, and to spell and put together, before they could well reade.

They had moreouer a kind of Rimers, which were great proficients to the Players and Pedlers, which are the fooles of Poets, for they taste little of Poetry, more then the last two letters: but for the pot, they may well challenge that badge, for it is the maintainer of their Mu­ses. Now among all these, they haue a kinde of Naturals, which get the start of better wits, for they are prouided for the backe and the belly, without care or labour; and somtime haue accesse where better braines are barred out: and if they be she-fooles, they are kept fine and cleanly, to come and play with children and aged people. But a­mong all these, it is set downe▪ that there is one great foole of their owne chusing, that for a certaine time hath the commandement of most part of them, who during his time may do very much in little matters; who with his copesmates, hauing in his hand the staffe of smal strength, and willing to shew the greatnesse of his little wit, for to [Page] make a Stable of his gouernment, to the subiects of his Supernoditie, set downe certaine Articles to be obserued and carefooly to be lookt vnto, as they would answer it at their pleasure, and those scarce worth the printing; yet were to be read in Markets, Faires, Wakes, and merrie meetings, vpon such dayes as should be thought fit for such a purpose.

  • First, that no sword should be carried before any of his Magistrates, for all should be obeyed for good fellow­ship.
  • Secondly, that no man without legs should haue armes, lest a coate without sleeues should make a Iacke an Apes a Gentleman.
  • Thirdly, that no man should keep two men in one Li­uery, lest the coate should not be fit when it came to wea­ring.
  • Fourthly, that no man should blush at the telling of a lie, because it was more common then truth.
  • 5. No man must commit any secrets to a woman, lest it burst her heart before she haue reuealed it.
  • 6. No man must kneele to a dead image, while there is one aliue for the purpose.
  • 7. No man must go on foote if he may ride, lest his horse be founderd in the stable.
  • 8. No Landlord must let his trees grow too long, lest they proue dotards.
  • 9. No widow must be afraid to marry, because one man may be like another.
  • 10. No man must die for loue, lest a Goose graze on his graue.
  • 11. No man must denie his neighbours Goose his Gander, for feare of wanting Goslings at Goose Faire.
  • 12. No tradesman must be idle, for feare his wife be oue [...]busie [...] in prouiding for implements.
  • 13. No Sea-man must keepe his frigot vntrimd, lest she lose the opportunitie of a good voyage.
  • [Page] 14. No man must be iealous of his wife, for feare it should not be without cause.
  • 15. Euery childe should know is owne father, if he could.
  • 16. Euery woman should know her husband from another man, if she likt him.
  • 17. No foule woman should weare any Mask, for feare of abusing the hope of beautie.
  • 18. No faire woman should be painted, lest Art should put downe nature.
  • 19. Euery woman must keepe close her husbands se­crets, for feare of losing the comfort of her knowledge.
  • 20. Women must be honored for their wit, when they make fooles of the wisest men.
  • 21. Women must be pited for their trauell, for they take more paines in bearing of one childe, then a man doth in getting of twentie.
  • 22. No man must be too learned, for feare he be thought to coniure.
  • 23. No man must be too wise, lest he be troubled with too many fooles.
  • 24 No man must marry a scold, for feare he disquiet his neighbours, and be put to the height of his pa­tience.
  • 25. No man must lend any mony, to thinke euer to haue it againe.
  • 26. No man must borrow more then he can pay, for feare of the losse of libertie and credit.
  • 27. No man must meddle with an Vsurer, for feare that interest eate out the whole stake.
  • 28. No man must grow inward with a theefe, for feare of execution after infection.
  • 29. No man must build castles in the aire, for feare they breake his necke in the falling.
  • 30. No man mustly open his wiues secrets, lest she commit them rather to a wise friend then a foolish hus­band.
  • [Page] 31 No man must leaue an old friend for a new, for feare he lose by the exchange of his credit.
  • 32 No wise man must marry a foole, lest shee waste his goods, and corrupt the perfection of his capacitie.
  • 33 Beggers must keepe from the Alehouse, for feare they drinke out the reuenue of charitie.
  • 34. Rich men must not counterfet pouertie, lest the thiefe discouer the truth of their dissembling.
  • 35. No man must be wise in his owne conceit, lest he proue a foole ere he be aware.
  • 36. No man must talke to himselfe as he walkes, lest he be thought to be mad, or making verses.
  • 37. No Bankerout must purchase land, lest hee be thought to cozen his Creditors with his breaking.
  • 38. No man must conuerse with a witch, for feare he go to the diuell by Atturney.
  • 39. No man must put his land into mony, lest the Bankerout runne away with his inheritance.
  • 40. No man must cary two faces in a hood, for feare that the diuell be in one of them.
  • 41. No woman must crie when she weepes, lest it be thought more for curst heart then any other cause.
  • 42. No man must haue two wiues, lest one proue too much to be well managed.
  • 43. No meetings but for meriment.
  • 44. No bargaines but for a bag-pudding.
  • 45. Friends must not fall out.
  • 46. Neighbours must be friends.
  • 47. Patience was neuer angrie, and quietnesse was a goodly hearing.
  • 48. Fathers darling and mothers nowne childe, must be brethren and sisters children; and cousin Varmins re­moued, must trust to the world as they finde it.

These were the chiefe Articles agreed vpon among his Ninnihammers, which being published among poore fo [...]l [...]s, were kept as well as they could hit on it.

Now to the purpose, such a Commonwealth for a dog, [Page] being gouerned by Apes and Asses, the great Foole of all must needs be a strange beast, and yet in the shape of a man he walkes strangely through the world: and one thing among other he hit on strangely to saue charges in charitie, hee tooke this order for beggers, that rather then they should lacke lodging, they should sit in the stockes, and in stead of almes perswade them to fasting, because abstinence is a fit preparation to prayer.

This little worshipful Iohn a Nods, in stead of a mistakē gentleman, hath bin in his youth brought vp in learning how to reade ilfauouredly, and to write worse, and yet with much adoe, after his schoolemistris an old woman with spectacles had taught him his Primer, and the Clerke of a country Church had taught him to write a Copie or two, and put his name to a bill Lobligatorie, he grew to such a delight in reading of Ballads and hearing of olde stories, that he bought at the second hand out of the Li­brarie of little learning, some few bookes of his mothers language, which hauing kept long in an old chest did now serue him for his Librarie: which bookes sometime asse he was able to finde idle time, which at the best is little better, he would now and then take out of his course cab­binet, and reade by peece-meales as it came into his addle braine: the names whereof, as I found them set downe, were these, I meane chiefly those whom his little vnder­standing tooke most pleasure in: Presidents of Imperfecti­ons, Newes of no importance, and Labour in vaine.

And first for Presidents of Imperfections:

He that would put out his eyes, because he would see no vanities, would be a blind man, and so an imperfect man.

He that would cut out his tongue, because he would tell no vntruthe, should be a dumbe man, and so an im­perfect man.

He that would cut off his hands, because he would take no bribes, should be a lame man, and so an imperfect man.

[Page] And as of men, so of women.

A maide is no perfect woman, because without the helpe of man, she is onely called a Maide, and not a wo­man.

A widow is an imperfect woman, because with the losse of her man, she loseth the title of a woman, and is onely called a widow, but not a woman.

A barren woman is no perfect woman; for a woman was created to increase an multiply: till therefore she haue brought forth children, she is an imperfect woman, except the fault be in the man, and then he is an imperfect man, to put such imperfection vpon a woman.

A whore is no perfect woman; for euery woman is either a maide, a wise, or a widow; and being neither of these, she must needs be a monster, and so an imperfect woman.

A painted woman is no perfect woman, for all women by nature are either faire or foule: but if an artificial faire be set vpon a foule complexion, it makes but a speaking picture, and a picture is no perfect woman.

These and such like were his Presidents of imperfections, which for his poore instruction he would take some idle humors to bestow his blind sight vpon.

The next booke was intituled, Newes of no importance, which I found set downe as followeth.

First, in the Gulfe of small grace, neare to the coast of Comgligrande, vpon the fourteenth day of the fifteenth moneth, in the strange yeare of foule weather, it is said, that in the passage boate betweene Verola and Gon [...]ria, two dangerous places for infection, the boate entring in­to the Lake of Lasciuiousnes, a very vnwholsome harbor, with ouercharging the vessell, perished a great number of poore people, who bringing but common ware to the market, and their greatest losses being Asses and galled Hackneys it seemed there was no great misse of them, for I find nothing worthy nothing written of them, and there­fore being Newes of no importance, they serued onely [Page] for a tale of a tub, to exercise the braines of such a Hogs­head.

Secondly, from the land of Vnluckinesse, in the citie of Sinfulnesse, it was reported that Sir Henrie had land, Sir Lawrence litle wit, and Sir Ninny nothing worth, three Knights of the Order of Saint-Asse, men of infamous memorie, after that they had runne through the courses of expences, without euer hope of recouerie of either coine or credit, going in the gulfe of Canavery, to see a Beare hunt a wilde ducke, fell by chance into a But of Malligo, where they were drowned horse and foot: what became of their Funerals, or Epitophs vpon their deaths, hauing no matter in their liues to be recorded, I can say nothing, but that the Newes being of no great impor­tance, it is no matter for their passage out of life, but for feare of their passage to no better; and so let them go, and as many fooles as will follow them.

Thirdly, in the Iland of Saint Elfe, the great Ladie of little worth, which was no lesse kinde to her neighbours, then readie to entertaine strangers, and for her recreation had set vp many May-poles in diuers places neare to her dwelling place. Now for her diet, she vsed most to feede vpon such morsels as most fitted her appetite, especially such nourishing meates as best agreed with the constitu­tion of her complexion; when in an idle humour one eue­ning she was so busie with a Lobstart, that with a surfet vpon the same, she fell quezie stomackt, and so inflam'd her blood, that she grew fantasticke, and in a few nights after set many of her Maypoles on fire, and in a little time after, with the extremitie of passion, fell into the Falling sicknesse, which in a short time brought her carkas into a consumption, and so in a few dayes after into her last lodging in the earth: but for any great memoriall of her, I reade nothing, but that in her life time she had the brea­king vp of youth, who since her death haue continued their course to their vtter condemnation; but since that for any matter of great note, more then that shee was [Page] a notorious peece of pedlers stuffe, the newes be­ing of no importance, it is no matter what became of her.

4. In the valley of Saint Grineums, the great Lord of Lo [...]zie bush, venturing to ride late in the night, and not seeing his way, fell into a deepe bog, where he was so be­mir'd, that with a cold after a heate, he caught such a re­lapse, as that many of his copartners in his passages were greatly afraid that he would fall into a consumption both of bodie and goods: a great infirmitie, and hardly to be helped. But hearing no matter of worth in the man, nor any thing, but that he liued in all vnworthinesse, and died nothing worth; the newes being of no importance, it is no matter what became of him, onely as a Lord of Lang­debie [...]e, let him be well boiled, and serued in a messe of Bruesse at a beggers table, and so let him go.

5. From the coast of Careaway neare the Cape of ill Hope, there came newes of a little Knight of great valour, Sir Walter whet whistle, who was of that force, that who­soeuer encountred with him, if he stood long with him, in the end he was ouerthrowne Now there dwelt neare him one Sir Dogbolt Driebread, who did oftentimes make a roade into his countrey, and vpon a time set vpon him with all his Forces, thinking at vnawares to surprise with him; of which an euill neighbour to them both, Sir Swines head Great swallow hauing intelligence, with his armie came vpon them both, and so stoutly followed his fortune, that he tooke them both prisoners in the field, and made them both Tributaries to his greatnesse. Whether the newes be true or no, it is of no importance, and there­fore onely fit for the great Foole to feede his humour withall.

6. In the vnknowne Iland, some twelue thousand miles from the great Bay of Port de Pouero, where the wa­trie monsters keepe their Court vnder water, it is repor­ted, that in that Land were great store of flesh, but little wholesome for the vse of man, sauing onely Hares and [Page] Conies, which well dressed would now and then serue the [...]urne for a strong stomacke: For most of their other beasts were Foxes, Wolues, and Badgers and Polcats, which were the spoile of many yong Lambs and sucking Rabbets, yea and sometime of elder Game. They had also in that country great store of Foule and birds of diuers fethers, but few of them wholesome or toothsome, as Dawes, Rookes, Crowes, Night rauens, Shrich Owles, Cormorants and Guls, which feed vpon Lambs, Rabbets, Mice, Wormes, Fish, Carion and Garbidge, but few of them whose flesh was fit to be serued at any Table of ac­count; but among many other Fetherd creatures, they had many balde Buzzards which fed much vpon Titri­mouses and hedge sparrowes, which were no sooner out of the hedge, but they would be vpon them, and sometime so ouergorge themselues with them, that with foule fee­ding and ouerfeeding, they would fall flat on their backes, with their heeles vpward, so weake and faint, that euery Crow might haue a picke at them.

Now the Traueller into that country, who brought the newes from thence, being vnhappily by ill weather cast vpon that coast, and finding little or nothing to trade for, that might giue him hope of any gaine, hauing vpon a cold night lien watching at a Coniborough, and scarce well, and wearie, in the morning making haste to get on boord, with a fit gale for his purpose, put out of an ill har­bour, and gate roundly to sea, and safely returned home againe, sauing that he gat such a numnesse in his ioynts and stiffnesse in his elbowes, that he could scarce put his hand to his head, to take off his hat at the deliuery of his trauell Of which hearing nothing worth any thing, being of no great importance, I found it serued onely for an idle Foole, to fit the great humour of his little wit.

7. In the Iland of A Merricat, vnder the Equinoctial line, in the Straits of Margerian in a swift current between the Lake Maudelina and the mouth of the riuer of Allitia, [Page] by reason of certaine vnwholesome vapors that arose out of certaine Sulphurous mines neare vnto the sea, diuers passage-boates perished, or grew so rotten, that if any of the passengers made shift to get home again, though with losse of their ware, and danger of their liues, yet neither they nor the vessels were euer fit for any good emploi­ment, or to any seruice of worth; but being likely that either they were olde vessels that could abide no foule weather, or some small Barkes that were swallowed vp in some swelling billowes, since the certaintie thereof is not yet knowne, and being doubted that some of them haue bin hotly shot at betwixt wind and water, till the returne of the next Gazette, there is little to be said to it; and be­ing newes of no importance, it may passe for a Fable among the like fancies to fit the fancie of such a Foole.

8. From the Desert of Arabia it was reported that the people of that country liue strangely, neither by trade nor trafficke, fishing nor fowling, nor yet by cheating nor cozening, but by plaine theeuing; so that betwixt them and the Turkes there is such hauocke with killing and spoiling, that the poore Friers in diuers places among them or neare vnto them are in pitifull feare of their liues: a great deale of land they haue, but ill inhabited, and Fruit trees but few, and the Fruit very watrie, and of little or no good nourishment. They are commonly well horsed, and weaponed for Bowes and arrowes, darts and swords, but Peeces few or none: and therefore being no matter of importance, the newes are not worth the no­ting, more then that it is a wonder that they should haue a King among them, that may be called the King of theeues: For being all outlawes, they must haue a strange kind of gouernment, which it should seeme is but during pleasure.

Now to these and such other toyes, hee had some odde discourses of Labour in vaine, which were not ma­ny, but as they came to my hands I haue set them downe, [Page] which were as followeth.

1. In time out of minde, when Beasts and Birds could speake, and windes could whisle wondrous things, there was in a strange country a great bird like an Eagle, that flying vp and downe in diuers places of the world▪ espied by chance a far off a faire bird like a Phenix, vpon a high rocks, sitting among a number of faire Foules and sweete singing birds round about her, but she sat in a great ma­iestie aboue them all: now this other great bird in his pride scorning all birds but himselfe, and enuying the greatnesse of this faire blessed bird, called a councell of his kites together, to find out some deuice or other, wher­by to seeke the death and ouerthrow, not onely of her, but of all the goodly Foules and sweete birds about her. Much talke there was how to bring this matter to effect, and the better to set it on work, before the enterprize was attempted, the great Bird sent out certaine Buzzards as spies to flicker about the coast of the country, where the faire bird kept her high flight, who being returned with matter of such maiestie, as bred increase of malice in the heart of the proud bird, he standing so much vpon his strength, that he thought no bird should be able to beare a fether in his frowne, commanded forthwith a number of cages to be made, in which he put a number of Pea­cocks, woodcocks, Dawes, Rauens and Crowes, Guls and Kites, to make warre with this faire Bird and her Fowles: which were no sooner put to sea, but a chattering Pie in all places where she flew, cried, Victorie, victorie: but ha­uing passed along the Seas, neare the coast, they were en­countred with such a flight of braue birds, as put the cages with all their forces to such a flight, as so draue them vp­on the rocks and sands, that few of them were able to get home, with the hard newes of their heauie fortune: but when the great Birde beheld the wofull spectacle of his drouping flight, hee fell into such an agonie, through a passion in his disgraced pride, finding his labor all in vain, stoupt his traine, hung downe his head, and shortly after [Page] turned vp his heeles. And thus ended his discourse of La­bour in vaine; a tale of a tub without head or foote: and therefore, like a Fable of the Foxe and the Goose, I leaue it to the Gander with whom I found it.

2. In the Iland of Terra Lorida, a place of great mer­chandize of small wares, neare the chiefe Citie of Nullibi, in an vniuersalitie, in stead of an Vntuersitie, where Schol­lers were as ill read as taught, there was a deepe studient in the secrets of Nature, which labouring much to bring all to nothing, wrought day and night for the Moone­shine in the water, when hauing spent both time and meanes, to worke wonders out of imaginations, finding Nature not so subiect to Art, but to keep her owne pow­er in all properties, when his fire lacked fuell, his eyes were ouermatched, and a long hope of great substance went away all in smoke; and while he laboured to marry the Sunne and the Moone together, there was such a cloud betweene his wit and the light of wisedome, that he could effect nothing to his purpose; and that with the stone of Philosophie, many braines had bin beaten long, and the head nere the better, with a great deale of griefe, and little hope of amends, walking one day to the Sea side, and studying how to find out the cause of the eb­bing and flowing of the sea, but neuer able to finde it out, saw as it were a vision, or rather some conceited appari­tion of a man lading of water into a pot, which though it was full and ranne ouer, yet he still laded in water: when this little well learned Scholler wondring at his worke, asked him what he meant to do? quoth he, As you doe, Labour in vaine; and so vpon the sudden vanished out of his sight, and left him so perplexed, that with very pit­tie to see the passion of the poore man, I awaked.

3. In the old time when Hobgoblin and Robin good Fellow made country wenches keepe their houses cleane ouernight▪ for feare of walking spirits should get into [Page] their chambers, and ere they were aware slip into their beds, and get them with child before morning. In a coun­try village called Lobkin the large, there dwelt a plaine dealing man, who with his wife a good breeding crea­ture, with eating of Mummada pudding and the inward of a beast, with the helpe of a pot of Ale and Ginger, found the means to fill the world with beggers: the poore man hauing passed many dayes in no small purgatorie with her intollerable tongue, which would call him by many more names then belonged to a Christian, sought all the meanes to bring that vnquiet creature into some more peaceable course, pleasd her humor in all he could, but all would not suffice, but an Eios hawke would euer be prating; but when she was either at iacke or at feeding; so this tatling gossip that tooke a continuall pleasure to heare her selfe speake, though seldome to any good pur­pose; the poore man so tired out with trying all meanes he could to stay the ringing of this house bell, and finding his labour all in vaine, resolued to put on such a patience as was past all vnderstanding, and to let her talke till she was weary, which could be neuer while she had breath, and letting her haue her swinge till he could no longer suffer it, knowing a day appointed when they should ride to a Wake or a wassell, a merry meeting of gossips and their Assebands, her Mare that she vsde to ride to market on, being then in the stable and fed with the best hey and oates, to please his Dame, but little to her knowledge kept her from water a day and a night before she was to ride: but when the day came, and she was mounted and vpon her way, it fell out that they were to go through a deepe riuer, where the Mare greedy of water to quench her thirst, as almost or rather stronger headed then her Dame, ranne into the deepe, and stumbling in a hole, floundring out with much ado, threw her into the poole, and with much ado saued her selfe. When the poore man looking backe and not hearing her speake, who all the way before neuer held her peace, but was euer finding fault with the [Page] ill setting of her pannell, or the raines of her bridle, or the shooing of her neere foote, because she would now and then trip somewhat low, and so with one thing or other be euer finding fault to keepe her tongue wagging; but when he could not heare her speake, and seeing onely her clothes appeare a little in the water, after he had got out his Mare, called for helpe to get out his Dame, in a maner dead; which being layed on the bank, and the water pow­red out of her belly by her mouth, she gaue three or foure gasps, and opened her mouth as if she would haue spoken: whereat the poore man affrighted, started, and falling backward, me thought fell vpon me, and therewithall I awaked. And thus ended the dreame of the Labour in vaine, to quiet an vnquiet and an intollerable Scold.

Now this great Foole had also in his Librarie, in the bottome of his olde chest, certaine Poeticall, or rather potticall Dreames put into time, but for reason, more then for naturall capacities, I find little; yet such as they were, and fitted the humour of his noddle pate, as I found them after his death, left for a Legacie to his cousins Loblollies, I thought good to set them downe in maner and forme following.

And first, A Dreame of a Monkey and a Bee.

A Kind of Bee (me thought) did get into a Monkies eare,
Who was more half horn mad to heare her kind of hum­ming there:
He pickt, he puld, he clawd, he scratcht, he mopt, he mowd, and cried,
As if his vgly Mastership would presently haue died.
But as the Bee came creeping out, he caught her by the wing,
Who for his labour in his hand did leaue a cruell sting:
Wherewith enrag'd, be eate her vp; but yet did feele such pain,
He wisht his hand were well, and she were in his head againe:
When such a face the Vrchin mads, with such a rufull looke,
That with a laughter at the iest, I suddenly aw [...]ke.

A Dreame of an Oister and a Crab.

VPon the shore neare to the Sea, an Oister gaping wide,
Ley looking for a little food to come in with the Tide:
But hard by lay a crauling Crab who watcht his time before,
And threw a stone betweene the shels, that they could shut no more.
The Oister cride, Ho neighbours, theeues: but ere the neighbours came,
The Crab had murtherd the poore fish, and fed vpon the same.
When wondring that such craft did liue with creatures in the deepe,
With troubling of my braines withall, I wakt out of my sleepe.

A Dreame of a Foxe and a Goose.

A Foxe came to a Gooses pen, where she all brooding sat,
And like a Gossip sought with her to haue some friendly chat:
And askt her how she did, and how her swelling grew so much,
And he would helpe her if that he might but her temples tuch.
I pray, quoth she, put in your head, that I may heare you speake:
Yea, thought the Foxe, Ile teach the Goose and Gander how to keake.
When putting in his head, a dog that closely hidden lay,
Did quickly catch him by the snout, and pluckt a peece away.
When home ran Rainard to his bitch that lurked in his den,
And told her that the Goose had bit his nose off in the pen:
Out slaue, quoth she, get out of doores, doest thou come bleeding hether?
And say a Goose bit off thy nose, and bring home nere a fether?
When laughing at this mad conceit, my thoughts so ran vpon,
I wakt and saw nor Foxe nor Goose, but all were fled and gone.

A Dreame of a Iack an Apes, Buls, Beares and Dogs.

ME thought within a Bearards charge, among the dogs and Beares,
A sudden Mastiffe set them all together by the eares:
The Beares vnmuzzld, dogs vnchaind, they fought and roar'd & cride,
Some ran away, and some to death the bloody quarell tride.
The Bearards scar'd to heare the noise, came out with clubs and staues,
The Master came out after them, and calld them carelesse slaues:
When in among them brake the Bull, in midst of all the fray,
And as he met them, with his hornes he tost them euery way.
[Page] The master Berard gat him home, away the Bearards ran,
And Iack an Apes came onely in, to play the gentleman,
Who skipping vp vpon the Bull, so bit him by the eares,
That he had more ado with him, then either dogs or Beares:
For, to their house the Beares gat home, the dogs in kennell coucht,
And neither dog, nor bull, nor beare, that one another toucht:
But Iack an Apes vpon the Bull did so bestir himselfe,
That I awakt with laughing at the knauery of the Elfe.

A Dreame of a Chough, a Pie, and a Parrot.

ME thought I saw a Cornish Chough stand chattring with a Pie,
Dishuting on their colourd coates, which had the purest die.
The Pie she spake of iet and snow, and pitch, and milke and chalke,
Of blacke as inke, and lilly white, and thus her tongue did walke.
To whom the Chough replide, who knew what stuffe was best to hold;
What left would staine, and what would best abide both heate and cold;
Spake onely for the Russet coate, which country maidens ware,
Good huswiues and good husbandmen, and such as thriftie are:
And how it makes the souldiers clothes, and Courtiers winter weed,
At lest such as vpon their clothes will spend no more then need.
But as they thus did chattring stand, a Parrot in a tree,
Cride, Hah, hah, hah, ye foolish birds, be still, and looke on me:
Behold the colours of my coate, how gay I am and fine;
Your Russet, and your blacke and white, are Liueries vnto mine.
With that the Chough cride, Haw, away, and Magpie chattring, cride,
Let vs away, this is some witch, or wanton child of pride;
Or else some stranger, that so much vpon his colours stands,
And bring in gaudes for giddie heads, to make them sell their lands.
With that the Parrot spide a foole, and flew downe to his fist.
Who strokt her fethers, calld her loue, and her most kindly kist.
Whereat the Chough in feare or chafe, away did take their flight:
And with their stuttring I awakt, and all were out of sight.

A Dreame of three Cocks and a Hen.

ME thought I saw two dunghill Cocks were fighting for a Hen,
And by them stood a right bred Cocke put vp within a pen:
[Page] Their gils were both as red as blood, their heads were both bent downe,
And neither of them but did beare a cocks combe on his crowne:
But as they spurd, it seemd their spight was nothing neare to death,
They strucke so seldome, and twixt blowes they tooke so long a breath:
The Hen did cackle (as it seemd to laugh) to see the sight:
When Chaunticleere in chafe to see so base a coward fight,
Put ope the pen doore, and flew out and beate them both away,
And trod the Hen, and crow'd to shew how he did end the fray;
And with his Hen he walkes and crowes with such a lustie cheere,
That not a crauen Cocke durst crow, at least, if he were neere.
With that the Cock-master came in, or he that kept the pen,
Tooke vp the Cocke and put him vp, and shought away the Hen.
When to her came the dungbell Cocks when Chaunticleere was gone,
Who chucking laught within his pen, his sport to thinke vpon,
And crowa so loud, that with the sound, the Crauens were afright:
And I awakt out of my sleepe, and all were out of fight.

A Dreame of a Ducke and a Goose.

ME thought I saw a little Ducke into a brooke let loose,
Who in his pride did offer to swim wagers with a Goose:
The match was made, the Gander keakt to see the Ducke so catcht,
And thought her but a simple thing to be so ouermatcht;
And on they went, but in their way, the Ducke with diuing skill,
When that then Goose did looke for her, would be afore her still:
The Goose was strong, the Ducke was quicke and nimble in her art,
So much that many a Foule did feare to take the Gooses part:
But ere they came vnto the place to win or lose the match,
For feare the Ducke with some odde craft, the Goose might ouercatch,
The Gander ran vnto the Cranes and Cormorants, and praid,
Before the match was won and lost, the wager might be staid:
Who being sent for, quickly came before the greater birds,
Who bad them on their loues and liues, to listen to their word:
And that all quarels might haue end, that had bin brought in thither,
It was agreed the Ducke and Goose should kindly swim together:
With that the Gander keckt for ioy, the Ducke as fast did quacke,
And I with laughing at the sport, out of my dreame did wake.

A Dreame of a Swan and a Goose.

ME thought I saw a faire cock Swan that had a hen Swan such,
As if a Swan knew how to loue, he could not loue too much:
For she was faire and smoothe and white, and to her cocke as true,
As any creature of her kinde, or any bird that flue:
He trod her oft, and had by her a faire and kindly breed,
And in the streame they kindly did together swim and feed:
But in a mistie day by chance a Goose came swimming by,
And at the Swan did seeme to cast full many a wanton eye:
He trod her, and along the streame away with her went he,
And left his Hen, a thousand times a goodlier bird then she.
But when the owners of the Swans did come their birds to marke,
And like good birders kindly knew a Bunting from a Larke:
Seeing the Goose swim with the Swan, they tooke her by the necke,
And gaue her such a twinge that she scarce able was to kecke;
They pluckt her bare, and cut her wings, and after let her go,
And let her Gander aske the cause why she was handled so:
But as she swam a buzzard kite did beate at her so sore,
That with her keaking I awakt, and saw the Goose no more.

A Dreame of a Bucke casting of his hornes.

ME thought I saw a gallant Bucke had newly cast a horne,
Which made him seeme a goodly beast when it was brauely borne:
And rubbing of the other horne which did disgrace him so,
That of a faire and goodly beast, he did ilfauourd grow:
He lost the beautie of his head, and his defensiue armes,
Which both did grace him, and oft times preserue him from great harms.
Now as I will beh [...]ld the Beast, me thought a Keeper came,
And said, My friend, now may you see how nature hath her shame,
Of beautie and of armes at once to leaue him naked so,
That now among his gallant mates he hath no heart to go:
But if it be such valour be and beautie in a horne,
Why should they blush that beare the horne? and haue it so in scorne?
When smiling at the sudden ierke, and closing of the iest,
I wakt, and [...] it but to be a vision of a Beast.

A Dreame of a Peacocke and an Asse.

ME thought I saw within a field, where I along did passe,
Two creatures that each other fac't, a Peacocke and an Asse:
The Peacocke spred abroad his taile, the Asse set vp his eares;
The Peacocke leerd vpon his traine, the Asse did licke his heares:
But at they thus each other brau'd, the Asse began to bray,
Wherewith the Peacocke sore afright did take her flight away;
Wherewith the Asse did smile that he his valour did so trie,
That with a word but of his mouth he made the Peacocke flie:
But when the Peacocke sang his song, he scared so the Asse,
That he to go as all amaz'd, he knew not where he was:
But what with tone and tothers noise, they did such musicke make,
That I awakt out of my dreame, and glad I was awake.

A Dreame of a wilde Boare and a Huntsman.

ME thought within a Forrest wide I saw a great wilde Bore,
Who as the common people said, annoid the country sore:
He brake into their fields of corne, and spoild their Wheate and Rie,
And rooted vp their pasture grounds, and on their Pease would lie,
Tore vp their hedges, rend their pales, and spoild their gard [...]s grounds,
And when they set their dogs at him, would kill their little hounds:
When from a high wood issued out both men and dogs apace,
And with a crie of mastiffe curres did take the Bore in chase,
Who scouling set his bristles vp, and champed with his chaps,
And with his tusks vpon the ribs, full many a curre he claps,
And ouer hedge and ditch he goes, and all the chase withstood,
And fumes and fomes and suuffes as he were master of the wood:
But close behind a tree there stood a Huntsman with a dart,
Who twixt the shoulders and the rib did strike him to the heart:
When vp the Bore turnd both his heeles, the Huntsman all came in,
And all the mastiues and the curres did such a crie begin,
And such a shout the people made, as if the aire had rent,
Wherewith I wakt, and marueld what this kind of hunting meant,

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