THE Smoaking Age, OR …

THE Smoaking Age, OR, The man in the mist: WITH The life and death of Tobacco.


To those three renowned and impa­rallel'd Heroes, Captaine WHIFFE, Captaine PIPE, and Cap­taine SNUFFE.

To whom the Author wisheth as much content, as this Smoaking Age can afford them.

Divided into three Sections.

  • 1. The Birth of Tobacco.
  • 2. PLUTO'S blessing to Tobacco.
  • 3. TIMES complaint against Tobacco.
Satis mi [...]ipauci lectores, satis est unus, satis est Nullus.


This some affirme, yet yeeld I not to that,
'Twill make a fat man leane, a leane man fat,
But this I'm sure (hows'ere it be they meane)
That many whiffes will make a fat man leane.


At the Signe of Teare-Nose.


Upon the Errata's.

The Authors absence, with the intricacie of this copie, caused these Escapes here committed, to be so many. But no wonder, if Subjects of this Nature become subject to Error, when they tre [...] of so giddie an hu­mour, as Liquour and Vapour. Correct them, as you shall meet them, with a consorious candor.

PAg. 12. lin. 22. for abilished, read abolished. p. 24. l. 8. for priv [...]tion, read privation. p. 53. l. 6. for Ference, r. Terence. p. 6 [...]. l. 20. for you, r. him. p. 66. l. 7. for Flap dragon, r. Slap-dra­gon. p. 76. l. 1. to deleatur. p. 78. l. 14. of suppleatur. p. 79. l. 23. for defie, r. define. p. 103. l. 24 for Celphalgia, r. Cephalgia. p. 104. l. 2. begge suppleatur. p. 111. l. 15. for though, r. thought. p. 118. l. 8. for either r. ever. ib. l. 22. for stop, r. s [...]eepe. p. 121. l. [...]lt. for intricatest, r. intimatest. p. 135. l. 11. for and, r. one. p. 138. l. 1. for artificiall, r. artificially. p. 141. l. 19. for Sotary, r. Votary. ib. l. 22. for eares, r. yeares. p. 142. l. 3. for bath, r. have▪ p. 143. l. 15. an suppleatu [...]. ib. l. ul [...]. [...]or resembrance, r. resemblance. p. 147. l. 26. for at, r. as. p. 150. l. 9. for Sole [...]ysims, r. Soloecis [...]es. ib. l. 6. for word-joyning, r. word▪coyning. ib. l. 23. for legatum, r. l [...]gatum. p. 166. l. 8. for of. r. to. p. 178. l. 22. for diet, r. riet.

To My Learned, judicious, and most experienced friend, T. C. Doctor of Physicke: All successe to his conscionable endevours.

TO you, in whom knowledge & goodnesse meet,
Whose ends are honest, and whose sole con­tent
Is to revive your heart-sicke patient,
In humblest sort, as Clients use to greet
Their pious Patrons, doe I make retrait:
To whom I owe my selfe, my life, my love,
My praise, my prayers, next to the Powers above.
The high Physitian, in whose glorious hand
The globes of Heaven and Earth contained are,
Give blessing to your cure, cure to your care,
Prosper your practice both by sea and land,
And give successe to what you understand:
For in you I have found, what's rare to finde,
A curious knowledge in a vertuous minde.
For th'artlesse Mounteb anke, whose cure's to care
How to deceive a Gull, so much I hate it,
I wish but execution of the Statute,
To such penurious venters of base ware,
Who, as Hippocrates relateth, dare
Purchase, by Patients death, a little art,
Which they by peece-meale sell at ev'rie Mart.
For you, so long as life runs th'row these veines,
I will retaine a gratefull memorie,
And blaze the fame of your integritie
[...]n such a [...] these, or in some choycer straines,
To gratifie your care, your cure, your paines:
For if we honour him that gives us wealth,
What owe we him that gives us life and health?
"For had I treasure offer'd, I'de refuse it,
"Wanting the sov'raigne meanes of health to use it.

To my worthy approved and judicious Friend, Alexander Riggby Esquire, all generous content.

ASsumpsits are Law-ties in Courts above,
So be Assumpsits in respect of Love;
This hath induc'd me, Sir, to render you,
Neare to my day, a tender of my due.
For in Gants aged-towne last time we met,
I promis'd you, and promises are debt,
To publish some choice subject in your name,
And in this Toy have I perform'd the same;
Which, give't no pleasing relish to your minde,
It shall by fire be purged and refin'd,
Where by the airie substance of my booke,
May be resolv'd to nothing else but smoake,
But how so re this Subject you approve,
It acts his life and death that many love;
So a [...], be you but pleas'd to see his death,
Next time we meet wee'll laugh him out a breath:
Meane while accept this gage, till I have time
To mold my love in an exacter line.
[Page]For th' Court, where now my suit depending is,
Hath forc'd me write in forma pauperis;
From whence dismist, your equall selfe shall heare
My Muse can mount unto an higher Sphoere.

The Stationer to the Reader.

THis Manuscript falling into my hand, for the deserving esteeme of the Author, whose name it bore, I communica­ted it to the serious perusall of sundrie judicious Censors, who highly appro­ved the curious conceit and invention of the Au­thor: who composed it (as hee hath since ingenu­ously acknowledged) in his infancie of judgement, which made him altogether averse from publishing it. Howsoever the subject seeme light, you shall finde it like a delightfull soile, so plenteously inter­veined with pregnant passages, pleasant allusions, li­berall and unforc'd relations, as I make little doubt, but it will afford a pleasing relish to any ones palate, who through Criticisme of censure is not prejudi­cate. Read, reape, and returne.

To Whomsoever, whensoever, or wheresoever.

SOme few yeares agoe, one Boraccio Fumiganto, a Burmudan, made re­paire unto me; and upon discourse of the plan­tation of Tobacco, entreated mee upon all termes of love and familiarity betwixt us, that I would addresse my pen to treat of that Subject; being, as [...]e verie truly affirmed, a prin­cipall help to discourse, especially to our young English Gallants, whose first sa­lutation to their acquaintance is, Will you take a pipe of Tobacco? But my answer was no lesse roughly than roundly returned, replying, that Alexander Se­verus would have smoaked such sellers of smoake, and Xerxes would have pul­led their skin over their eares; if these smoakie Merchants, being such as this Burmudan was, had vended, or vented those commodities in their time. With [Page 88] this answer, my fuming Fumiganto see­med much discōtented, taxing me of pre­judicacie, in condemning a Science (for so this Factor termed it) which was not onely hugg'd but honoured by our hope­full Gentrie; whose desire was rather to be matriculated in the exquisite taking of a Pipe, than in the tossing of a Pike; in a quiffe and a quaffe, than shaking of a staffe. Presently upon this affront, came in a Trinidadan with a Varinan, who desi ou [...] to heare what Subject it was that made us so hot, I replyed, it was Tobacco, the verie fume whereof, as it doth ever, had driven us to that distem­per. O insolence, or rather impudence, quoth the Trinidadan! shall a weed, the wealth of many Ilands, and the delight of the Queene of Ilands, receive that aspersion? tellme, tellme (quoth hee) thou profest Mamothrept to all gene­rous humours, how should long and lin­gri [...]g hou [...]es bee consumed, how should discourse, wanting matter, be continued, how should entertainment or the life of societie be preserved, how should hospi­talitie now showne not so much in the [...]himney, is in the nose of the Gentrie, he discovered? Nay more, how should [Page 89] some Companies be maintained, if this soveraigne receipt to all maladies, were not countenanced? What Companies, said I? Marrie the Company of Pipe­makers, Sirrah Stoicke; whereof one Brachifort, who is no small Foole, hath procured a benefit, to inhance the rints of his pate by the rents of the pipe, and smoake them who made Pipes for others smoake. Is it possible, quoth I? Yes, my cringing Criticke (said the Varinan) that it is, and yet you disesteeme our qualitie. Besides, I heare, quoth hee, that one Aestivus Nepenthiacus, a grand Monopolist, and a judicious Practist in his profession, hath of late renounced his practice, wherein hee was a right hopefull beginner, to betake himselfe to the plantation of Tobacco; wherein I will not justifie his triall of experiments, being for the most part more deceiving than thriving; but sure I am hi [...] artifi­ciall Stoves, Limbecks, [...], and other artfull inventions, have prov'd him a Dogmaticall Doctor in his profes­sion. Whereto I answered, that indeed I had heard of his rare experiments, but how little Nepenthiacus had gained by them, might appeare by this, that as he [Page 90] had formerly left his Profession, so now of late he was enforced to leave his nation, to worke wonders among the wilde Irish. Where report was, hee intended to re­maine till he had reduced all those bogs and marishes to plots of Tobacco; so be­neficiall is he to the State, though preju­diciall to himselfe. This, quoth the Tri­nidadan, may bee all easily done, if he exactly observe his geometricall ascents & descents, which by his mathematicall line, which hee hath alwayes in readi­nesse, with all facilitie may bee attained. For in that glorie of Ilands, wherein I have long time remained, works of grea­ter difficultie than this have beene effe­cted: but to insist on any of these I will not, because they would seeme incredible to the shallow and barraine apprehension of the vulgar: yet to make instance of one for all, I hold it not altogether fruit­lesse. I have seene the seeds of Tobac­co sowne in a bed of gourds, and in a moneths space the whole bed of gourds were into leaves of Tobacco changed. Where at smiling, I have read (quoth I) all Ovids Metamorphosis, and I finde there no such transmutation. No mar­vell (answered he) those were fictions, [Page 91] these true and native relations: besides, you are to know that Travellers in their surveyes, assume a priviledge above the authoritie of Authors. Traversing thus our ground, as one cloyed with this dis­course, I had a desire to leave them to themselves, and addresse my selfe to mine owne affaires; but Boraccio Fu­miganto, my familiar friend, and one who had more interest in mee than the other two, st [...]pt betwixt [...]ee and the doore, conjuring me upon that inviolable league of amitie so long professed & pro­tested, that I would rest satisfied by gi­ving way to their entreatie; promising withall, that my travell should not be un­requited, if I would prosecute some thing touching the praise-worthy invention of Tobacco, which they with such impor­tunitie desired: But modestly, as seemed me, did I answer: that my labours, as they deserved no such courtesie, so did I ever scorne they should bee mercenarie: besides, if I should give way to their re­quest by publishing ought concerning the singular use of that commoditie, yet might my Taske seeme uselesse, the oyle of my Lamp fruitlesse, being employed in that Subject so much pressed, so fre­quently [Page 92] printed, and therefore needlesse. Whereat the Varinan seemed much in­censed, vowing, that many yeares were not past since hee first set foot in this Ile, how then could it appeare that any Au­thor would doe him that favour, being no English-borne but a stranger, to un­dertake for the vent of his commoditie any labour? To which objection I re­plyed, that the English were ever cour­teous unto strangers, many times appro­ving better of them, than of their owne naturall inhabitants. And whereas, he could not be induced to beleeve that any Author would addresse his pen to write in his favour: I assured him, that I had read the Titles of divers bookes treating of the use and commerce of Tobacco; as the Poem of that English Musaeus, [...], Tobacco battered. Likewise, an­other pleasant poeticall Paradox in the praise of the P. wherein is learnedly proved, and by impregnable reasons e­vinced, that Tobacco is the onely sove­raigne experimentall cure, not onely for the Neapolitan itch, but generally for all maladies incident to mans bodie. Which discourse is with no lesse exact­nesse prosecuted, than Rodolphus Agri­cola's [Page 93] was in his tract of the Vanitie of knowledge; Cornelius Agrippa in his discourse of the Uncertaintie of know­ledge; or Erasmus in his so much ad­mired Encomion in the Praise of folly. Besides many other judicious relations of late yeares published by our English Navigators, all tending to the praise of that excellent knowledge in the plan­tation of Tobacco: and those exquisite effects which in forraine countries it hath effected. So as the Herbe Moli, so highly prized and praised by Homer, could not bee more usefull to the wan­dring Ithacus, in repelling the charmes of Circe, than this Indian weed hath beene ever by their reports powerfull to the travelling Arabs, to inure them to all extremitie. What then should Tasks of this nature be any more revived, see­ing so generous and generall an use of it hath made it approved? so as, whose­ever should write against it, might have more adversaries to oppose him; than he had reasons through his whole discourse to alledge for him. Yea but, replyed the Trinidadan, for all this, it is not un­knowne how the Emperour Eudorus hath divers times inhibited this to all [Page 94] his Courtiers: yea, and long since, so bitterly inveyed against the humorous and phantasticke use thereof▪ as publikely all those great Professours, who formerly did partake of nature with the S [...]la­mander, to shew how conformable they would be to the opinion of their Empe­ro [...]r, broke their Tobacco-pipes, to ma­nifest their distaste of what they so vio­lently had affected, by throwing away those instruments by which their smoak was usually conveyed. All this, said I, i [...] no lesse than truth; yet, h [...]w long did th [...] distaste continue? Did not th [...]se brave Tindarian spirits quickly retai [...]e what they had so seemingly disclaimed? So as, no meat can be well digested (so power­full is custome being once retained) till a pipe of Tobacco be exhaled, [...]ea some times a whole Petoun of Indian f [...]me [...]e exhausted. For howsoever, to please the Emper [...]ur, whose prince [...]y [...]nd im­partiall censure without respect to im­post, seem [...] of your profession a little bitter, their pipes were battered, their Tobacco scattered, and this late introduced relique of Gentilitie cashe­red; yet by meanes of a meagre Mata­chin, o [...]e Samius Argilloplastes, they [Page 95] were shortly supplyed, wheresoever, or whomsoever this pleasing humour had disfurnished. Since which time, both Court and Citie have no lesse steemed with your fume, my deare Trinidadan, than the Academie, that golden grove of Hesp [...]rie, with your late-knowne smoak my Varinan, or the Country, that Court-Ape of vanitie, with your vulgar stuffe, my stale Burmudan. What Aca­demie, said the Varinan? Sure I am, if you meane either of those two Sisters, whose renowne our verie Coast admi­reth, and whose unequall'd paritie those Countries who never saw them affect­eth, you erre much in your judgement; for the Masters and Governours of pri­vate houses, (this I dare avouch upon mine owne knowledge) are such caute­lous Guides and Guardians [...]ver that Charge wherin they stand interessed, as they cannot endure the smell of this In­dian Hag, for so they terme it, to evapo­rate within their Cloysters. So as, being one time there (whereby you shall easily gather how ignorant these sage Magni­fico's were in the artfull profession of the pipe) it was my fortune to consort with a joviall fri [...] of young Pupills, all Fresh­men [Page 96] save one or two, who had received seasoning from the Pump for their ab­surdities. With whom having traversed two or three pipes of rich Varina, with some bottles from Fons. Clitonius which procured Urina, just as we were canvassing a fresh pipe, in comes a Se­nior Master, Tutor (as I afterwards understood) to those lively Lads with whom I consorted; who seeing the cham­ber all in a fume, grew into a monstrou [...] [...]ume himselfe, so as taking up some odde pipes which lay scattered upon the Ta­ble, I will henceforth (quoth hee) pre­vent you Boyes of your piping; and with that, he threw all their pipes into the fire, intending to burne them; and so he might, but not as he meant; for his purpose was to consume them. At this conceited tale of the Varinan, after wee had a little space laughed, I replyed; that such ignorance was now from the Academicks wholly exiled: for the grea [...]est and gravest Students well per­ceived, that long studie would dull and rebate the understanding, being by no externall receipt cheered. Upon which speech, all these three Antagonists with joynt force, made towards me, reassailing [Page 97] me with new reasons to undertake the defence of their Trade, objecting, how by mine owne mouth they would con­demnè me, if they could not now at last after many perswasions; prevaile with me. For (said they) you confesse the Ci­tie, Court, Countrey: Yea, the Trea­surie of all knowledge, even the Acade­mies affect, it, and will you in a Stoicke reluctancie oppose it? Besides this, you have sundrie affectionate Allies, all A­gents of happie employment and hopefull improvement, who since their planta­tion in Tortouga have dealt in this commoditie, to their profit and succee­ding memorie, which may bee an irre­sistable motive to induce it. To which powerfull objections I a little relented, yet so, as I expressely told them, I would not much insist upon their conveniencies or inconveniencies of their trade, being of late time inured to dangerous sophi­stication, having knowne by report of an experienced Chymicke, divers oun­ces of Quick-silver extracted from one pound of Tobacco: but to discourse of the Life and Death of Tobacco; as first of his birth and education; secondly of his Planting and Propagation, I [Page 98] should doe my endevour: Whereto they all joyntly consented; upon which consent I addressed my pen to this ensuing Tract here presented.

THE SMOAKING AGE. OR, The Life and Death of TOBACCO.

IN Tartarie (I reade) not farre from the Burmudoes, there dwelt a rich Hander, whose name was Nepenthes: enricht he was with all the best of temporall fortunes; and to make his blessings more consummate, with a chaste and continent wife, called Vsque [...]aughin. yet that he might acknowledge, there was nothing in this interins of mans life so absolute, which was not some­times attended with crosses, or at least, all [...]yed▪ to make humane frailtie con­fesse [Page 100] a more soveraigne power: hee tasted (one distaste) in the overflow of his fortunes, which was, want of children. Much he had, and great possessions was he master of: but who should be his heire he knew not, being bereft (of that onely one of humane blessings, hope of issue. Long had he now lived with his vertuous wife, when behold he was made happy in hope, though the event answered not his expectation so fully as hee imagi­ned, and thus it fell out. These two good Inhabitants dwelling neere to the sea, they used now and then to walke upon the sea shoare, not onely to refresh themselves with the coole temperature of the aire, but in meere compassion to entertaine (such ship­wrack't soules as destitute of hope or meanes, were throwen upon that coast▪ it chanced that an Apothecary of the Burmudoes, (intending to goe into Hoemonia where the best and soveraignest herbes, plants, soots, and Aromotaries are said to be) he was in­tercepted by Pirots, who rifling him of that poore estate hee had, threw him over ship-boord: but see what re­fuge [Page 101] he found in the ocean? The Polype fish (which naturally loveth sweet sa­vours, & is exceedingly delighted with perfumes or any fragrant smell, taking this Apothecary in her nose, presently approches him, and swallowes him (for he was but a little dapper knave) quite downe. The poore Apothecary thus imprisoned, yet not quite bereft of sense, but to know where he was, re­members himself, recollects his spirits, & with an expert and successive hand, tries this conclusion; he called [...]o mind how he had some purging Comsits about him, for (he being costive in his body, used them upon all occasions:) these he ministers to the fish, which she no sooner had received, then, as the Scolopendra is said to avoyd her very entrals, till she has rid her selfe of the hooke, so she purged backeward and forward: sicke she was, and heart-sick of the Apothecarie, and in great ex­tremity, till delivered of him: for any mā may judge, if one pill had such ex­treme force, what force was he of that ministred these pils? Not farre from the banke side, was this poore Apo­thecary set at liberty: when behold, [Page 102] he begins now to wrastle with a se­cond death: the billowes of the sea menacing ruine; the whirlepits gaping to devour him; little hope or none is left him; for there's no Purge in all his Boxes will save him. The poore man thus distressed, though to dye hardly resolved, yet he sees no remedy, to die he must be enforced; and surely had dyed, if thse two compassionate Ilan­ders, that ever were prest and addrest to pitty others miseries, had not res­cued him. A little Cock-boat being ti­ed to the shoare-side, (though unfit to endure any rough tempest,) Nepenthes unlooseth and in meere compassion (though in this adventure he hazzar­ded himselfe, and was much disswaded by his wife to the contrary) yet sets he forth towards him, and by the sudden calmnesse of the tempests in­timating, that the gods themselves were pleased with a worke of that merit, he takes him up into his Boat, and brings him with a mutuall joy, in safety to the shoare. The Apotheca­ry as yet amazed with his new-past danger, and as one new come out of a trance, thinking these two Ilanders [Page 103] had beene Neptune and Tethis his Queene, and no mortall creatures, made this druggary speech unto them following.The Apotheca­ries speech.

BRAVE and puissant Neptune, and you sacred Queene of the nine Iles, Lady maioresse of the great Ocean, Governesse of the lower Elements, Commandresse of all the skaly gene­ration, from the Sea-horse to the Sea­mouse, Umpiresse of all differences in this watery region, &c: may a poore ship-wrackt Pothecarie speake to your Excellence? one that hath ministred Triackles, Antidotes, Receits & Cor­dials to all (or most of your Patients) within your flourishing Iles of the Burmudoes; and now is enforced (like a poore supplicant) al Drugs of Rheu­barbe, Carduus sanctus, Coloquinti­da, Artemisia, Oenanthe, and what herbes or plants soever were preserva­tive against the Scotoma, Oedema, Lithiasis, Paralysis, Celphalgia, Ly­canthropia; all diseases, Ulcers, Morbs or Contagions wheresoever or how­soever arising, all these (I say) set aside, I am now enforced to crave pardon at your Highnesse feet. With this: the [Page 104] two Ilanders interrupted him, deman­ding the reason why hee should par­don? O (replied the Apothecary) I see the judgements of Neptune be now (and not without cause) powred upon me; oft have I (and with wa­tery eyes I speake i [...]) ministred instead of purging materials, such as were binding: This, this, (and with that he beat his brest exceedingly) have my false Drugs brought me to: I have oft times ministred for potions, poy­sons to torment my Patients; that I might increase my estate by their in­firmities: I never consulted with my Doctor for my Patients health, but how to augment my wealth, by his lingring sicknesse. Punish me there­fore Great Neptune, throw me into the Sea, that I may poyson as many fish as I have poysoned men. Nepenthes wil­ling to waine him from this strange distraction, bad him be comforted, and with this serious speech shewed him his errours.

MY FRIEND, as thou ascribest, the cause of thy present misery, to thy fore­past impiety, and as thou wishest Nep­tune might censure-thee according: o [Page 105] thy demerits, having deserved the worst of men: so I would have thee know I am neither Neptune that can or will censure, nor shee Tethis that should shew thee rigour; Two Ilan­ders we are that will shew thee our best of welcome, and hospitality shall be the worst punishment we will inflict upon thee: onely, as thou ex: pressest thy owne sorrow for the con­tempt of thy profession: redeeme the time thou hast lost, and retire with us; if we can yeeld thee comfort use us: for never past misery by this shore un­pitied, if we could either remedy it, or redresse it. With great thankes went the Apothecary along with them to a neighbour Grange adjoy­ning, where with all curtesie he was entertained. It chanced one day, that Usquebaughin sitting discontentedly in her Garden, began to expostulate the cause of her barrennesse, and thus (though hervertues never before so farre transgressed their limits, or lesse expressed themselves) she proceeded.

Wretched Vsquebaughin, what crime hast thou committed, what offence hast thou done, or what worke of [Page 106] hospitality hast thou omitted: That thou (and that onely thou) shouldst be deprived of that commune boun­ty of Nature? Others have flourish­ing issues; and though their estates be lesse, yet they know, who shall possesse them: But I (that have no issue, be­reft of the greatest of comforts, what avayleth it me to possesse abundance, when all this shall succeed to a doubt­full heire? yet is my griefe enlarged! who will not judge how Nepenthes got it? that hath no issue to whom he may leave it; sure (will some imagine) extortion hath been the meanes of his raising, which makes his house so quickly declining. True, true, (un­happy woman) many such surmises will arise from thy barrennesse: though thy husbands vertues be never so transparant. I will retire my selfe therefore to some desolate place, that as, I am deprived of comfort, I may be deprived of light; nor would I have an imputation aspersed on my hus­bands honour, through my defect. Whilst she was descanting thus her own griefes silently, that the silence of the place and privacie of her passions [Page 107] might augment them: Cantharides (for so was the Apothecarie called) came into the garden, where seeing this disconsolate woman (all a mort) wiping her teare-swolne-eyes, to mi­nister no lesse solace in her afflicti­ons, than she had done before to his, he thus with milde aspect, and com­passionate respect, spake unto her.

IF griefes be best allayed when com­municated, or afflictions best eased, when they find partners: be not such an enemie to your selfe (sweet Mistris) as so to engrosse your owne passions to your selfe, as to shrowd them from others. Nor indeed can griefes be con­cealed. The face is the best Secretary of the heart; and will expresse in si­lence, what passions move disturbance. But it may be, you wish one of more secrecie to impart your woes unto; of secrecie you cannot, of discipline you may. And though judgment wan­teth yet shall secrecy and fidelity sup­ply the place, where more serious ad­vice cannot instruct: Suspect me you need not, for my life is due unto you; and let this protestation serve for con­firmance: when I cease to be yours, I will cease to be mine owne.

[Page 108]The Gentle woman seeing the cha­racter of a good Nature in his ill face, and one that seemed willing to requite so inestimable a benefit as hee had re­ceived, subjecting and consecrating his life where it was due: apprehended this occasion of delivering her sur­charged brest, recalling to mind how by his profession, there might be some cure to the cause of her griefe. Guest (for so I will be bold to call you:) I know sorrowes are best allayed when imparted, if hope of remedy, or least appearance of release be ex­pressed: But so farre is the nature of my sore above the search or reach of cure, that in expressing them I seeme to augment them, because the ope­ning of my malady, will instantly mi­nister despaire of remedy: yet to sa­tisfie your desire (that generally our hospitality may afford content) I will describe my griefes, though by the re­lation I expect no ease. Know (my friend) that many yeares have my hus­band and I lived together, without least difference or debate betweene us: and in that prosperity and happines of estate (if happines can consist in having [Page 109] sufficient) as we have not only a com­petency in our selves, but have expres­sed and extended our bounties unto others: Yet in this seeming Beatitude, in this height of riches (know my friend) that we are made miserable, yea, in our riches despica­ble; the cause is drawne from our want of issue, which you know (if ever experience gave you that comfort) to be the principall motive of true con­tent; ministring best solace to the pa­rents griefes; yea, and reviveing their memory, whē raked up in the ashes of oblivion. Alas sir, what be these faire buildings, flourishing Medes, spacious Downes, which you see wee are here possessed of? they must of necessity succeed to some, and it may be to some base Tartarian, that will raze and deface the memory of our providence, with his security, riot, and superfl [...]ous expence. And what shall remaine of us? scarce so much as that we were; But why doe I beat the aire, with a vaine repetition of misery? You have heard sir the occasion of my griefe, the motive of my discontent; and I know you imagine it to bee [Page 110] above the compasse of remedy, let it be sufficient that I have satisfied you, that can satisfie my selfe in nothing save griefe.

This discourse the Apothecary at­tentively observed: oftimes lifting up his hands to heaven, thanking the powers divine, that they had ministred him so ample and expedite an occasi­on, both of shewing argument of his thankfulnesse, and meanes to release this disconsolate woman of her pen­sivenesse. For this Cantharides was excellent for many Cures, but for none so famous as for sterility or barrennesse: for which exquisite Art and knowledge, hee was famous through all the Burmudoes Ilands: so that as no place was then more savage, so no Region or Countrey had more fruitfull women in it. Thus therfore, as soone as she had expressed the cause of her discontent, with cheerful coun­tenance he thus addressed his speech;

I HOPE (faire Mistris) this pre­sent occasion of your grieving shall be (ere long) the motivest cause of your joying: there is no cloud but it presages a following cleerenesse, no [...] [Page 111] tempest (but if over-past) moves the Mariners to more cheerefulnesse. The Halcyons song they say (Mistris) bodes a storme; but the Dolphins play­ing, portends a calme. Some sing a­gainst their death, with the Swan; and some sing against their birth, with the Lark [...]. Some plants are for expelling sorrow, as the Mugwort; as others to distract the senses with the Hemlocke. Some have vertue to cast sorrow on sleepe, as the Saffron; others to keepe them waking, as the Moly. And Ele­ments skirmish one with another, lest man should be though onely to skir­mish with himselfe. Windes that rise in the shoares of L [...]panthos, in the Morning, send forth gusts from the North, in the Evening, calmes from the West. This I speake (Gentle wo­man) to expresse the limit of your griefe extended, the web of your pas­sions contracted, and now your calme approching, after so many billowes o­ver-flowing. The cause of your griefe I know to be moving: for all creatures have, and doe repose their greatest joy in their progeny: Priam and his mi­serable Hecuba before the ruine and [Page 112] desolation of that great and populous Citie, which indured so many sieges ere it was sacked, were esteemed hap­py in all things, yet the complement of their happinesse consisted in their faire and flourishing issues. Heroti­nus had as much Temporall felicity, as humane debility could attaine unto, yet the extent of that felicity summ'd up it selfe in his 600 sonnes. And true it is you say, that the posterity gives life to the deceased parent; for as long as their issue surviveth, their image seemes revived, and Nature seemes to proportion a second selfe in the child, being cast in the mould of the Parent. But whence this discourse! in expres­sing comforts of this nature, and not ministring to your discomfort, I seeme to imitate a rigorous and re­morselesse Physician, who before hee gives his Patienta Cordiall, applies unto him extreamest Corasives. I am heartily glad (Gentle woman) I am ar­rived here for your sake, and if divine powers, (as sure they have) may bee thought to have a hand in mens pre­servation, for a more excellent end or purpose, sure that Aesculapius (which [Page] [Page] [...] [Page 129] lenge that publique staine to deserved honour; that corrupter of hospitalitie; that pearle of greatnesse, bottle-nosed Bacchus. Doest not remember, how those ambitious Giants, had well nye scaled thy fathers palace; overthrowne the mansions of Heaven; and made the whole Fabricke of Iove a pile of ruine? And whence proceeded this, but from Ioves too much lenitie? Ixion would have (like thy Bacchus) beene a little too familiar with Iuno, if Ioves transpiercing eyes had not di­verted his owne scandall, and preser­ved his Queenes honour. But see what just judgement he (in his power­full Majestie) denounced on so impu­dent and ingratefull a Villaine: in stead of loving, he is now rolling, and must so perpetually, the wheele of e­ternall anguish: Blessed prevention! Deserved censure! But thou (as one either secure of thine one shame, or ignorant of publique infamie) [...]itst in a whoores lap, makes Carols to be sung in honour of thy Bastard: O, is not this brave sport for Bacchus? Yes, yes, thy Tragedy yeelds▪ him an ample and spacious argument of a delight­full [Page 130] Comedy: For lately, I heare, hee presented an exquisite Enterlude, all composed of thy follies: here presen­ted one of his drunken Attendants, thy Queene laughing, another thy selfe sleeping, and Bacehus brought in himselfe horning; where, like a second Al [...]ides, he makes thy browes his co­lumnes, on which he engraves his per­petuall motto, Non ul [...]ra. Here is ex­cellent worke for a silent asse to bee hood-winkt in! What Pilot, seeing an imminent tempest approaching, will not cast anchor, or retire to har­bour? But thou, seeing the tempest of thy shame, not imminent, but transparent, sleep'st with the Dor­mouse, and risest with the Snaile, hor­ned. I will be briefe, though a matter of this consequence, requires a world of instruction: make me Italian worke in their guts, play mee Tereus part: Thou hast no Progne, but a strumpet; no Philom [...]la, but an impudent prosti­stute. Cut out her tongue, and shee will not blab thy shame: hang up Bac­chus for an Ivie bush at everie Ta­verne doore in Hell. Let Monsieur Claret (who I am credibly enformed [Page 131] was his Pandor) bee drunke of none but Tinkers, and let them drinke till they surfet, that they may spue him in the street againe. O that I could expresse the infinitenesse of the mala­dy which thou art incident to, and knowes it not; made a monster and observes it not; laught at by thine owne Planter, and sees it not; balladed at by a nastie troope of Gally-foists, Villaines of the last edition; proclai med Recreants to the field of Vertue, and whipped in the Statute Booke of S [...]turne. And yet (my squeamish Cosin) you cannot see into the eye­ [...]ore of your reproach. P [...]oebus so much respects you, hee will not visit you, lest his approach should publish your shame: Luna, like a modest and chaste matrone, because her ordinarie habiliment is an horne, will not see you, lest she put you in minde of that badge you weare. The Planets, as more favourable and auspicious than you are to your selfe, will not come neere your cave (for they are verily resolved) you are planet-strucke alrea­dy. As I am your friend, so take my counsell; put her away, that has put [Page 132] you in for all day; live to bee your selfe, and not to be an impeachment to your selfe: Some here of my fra­ternitie laugh at you, others in com­passion pitie your miserie. Neither pitie, nor scorne, are estates worth ha­ving: so cleere your disgrace, and wipe off the blemish laid upon your Deitie, that those friends which pi­tied you, may convert their pitie into joy, others that scorned you, may con­vert their hate to envie. Howsoever, remaine but your friend, as Mercurie will rest ever your Approved, &c.

After the perusall of this letter, you may imagine what cold swounds came over poore Pluto's heart: so as in the increase of his distractions, and de­crease of his comforts, which he ima­gined matchlesse, by the new birth of his supposed heire: in the retirednesse of his passions (which seeme most bit­ter when most retired) hee thus con­ferred with himselfe; expostulating the probabilities of these suspects, with the sinceritie of his approved and ever trustie friend Mercurie; of whose undoubted fidelitie hee made no question: yet because the long­rooted [Page 133] conceit of Proserpina's con­stancie, and her generall respect to honour ingendred in him a doubtful­nesse how to resolve: yet in the end Mercuries information is preferred before his first resolution. The divers enforcive causes whereof may ap­peare more amply in this private dis­course to himselfe.

Pluto's passions.

A Letter Pluto? Yes, and a bitter one: By these contents I should need an extraordinary night cap, for mine eares by all Heavens Consistories bee supposed hornes. And by whom should these monstrous Appendices bee created? The letter saith by Bacchus. Verie good; then consequently am I mine owne Pandor, that entertained a Vil­laine to lye with my wife. Yet I can hardly beleeve it: Proserpina hath li­ved many yeeres with me, and was ne­ver yet detected: shee ever preferred her estimation above any inordinate thought of breach, or violation of ho­nour; [Page 134] and as proper personages were in my Dominions, as ever Bacchu [...] will make: and can I thinke a drun­ken Swad can so soone seduce my Queene from her respect to honour? No, no: sure Mercurie would have me divorce my Queene, to possesse her himselfe: I know not, if there bee knaverie in Mercurie, there must needs be villanie in amitie. Yet Mercurie was ever a faithfull and approved friend to me: and sure such a report hee has heard, and that, no [...] ordinarie neither, for it seemes it is confirmed by the generall rumour of the Gods. Why then Pluto (to make the conclu­sion agree with the premises) thou art a Cuckold: and that bladder-fac'd, goggle-ey'd, rheumaticke Rascall, Bacchus, has been penning a set speech in Proserpina's Note-booke. VVhat remedy? I shall bee set in blacke and white for it: to bee the first Prince of hell that ever bore horne for his crest, and mine impresse shall bee about it, Inopem me copia fecit; no rather, Haec sunt insignia Bacchi. Miserable Pluto. canst thou descant of thine owne shame without blushing? to have thy [Page 135] Gem soiled by a Canker-worme? a mop-fac'd Rogue, that seldome or never lyes in sheets, but makes the Taverne his lodging chamber, and the bulke his pillow. O inconstant Proserpina, to chuse a lowsie Knave, base in education, grosser in conver­sation, and odious to all but Flemmish Brittons! Could none satisfie thee (un­satiate Messalina) but the dregs of pol­lution, and that never made difference twixt lust and love? How thine eyes were dazled? How farre thou dispa­ragedst thy judgement? Couldst thou see any such excellencie in Bacchus, or any one good condition to approve thy choyce? Was hee so farre above thy Pluto, as thou preferredst him be­fore thy Pluto? Blush at thine impu­dence: Or if Bacchus grape have ta­ken so deepe a tincture in thy blush­lesse face, as thou canst not expresse thy shame by the outward character of a blush, at least send out a relenting teare, and that perhaps will mollifie the heart of thy abused husband. To whom should I appeale to? If to mine owne Judges, I shall rumour mine owne shame in Hell, as it is dispersed [Page 136] already in Heaven. If I appeale to Earth, that rancorous Troope of in­carnate Devils will answer mee, it is ordinarie with them to have Cuc­kolds, and they never enacted Law a­gainst that Veniall Errour. To bee briefe, they will absolutely conclude they have no Law for it. If I appeale to my father Iove, and present a bill of complaint to the Senate of Heaven a­gainst mine owne wife, I shall bee but laught at, and the cause will be protra­cted, and my selfe the while eternally tormented with delay of revenge: But what bids Mercurie mee doe? Play Tereus part, cut out her tongue, and she will not blab my dishonour: That were a ready way; and yet hardly were that course secure either; a wo­man will make a shift to speake, if her tongue be cut out: there is no hope in so desperate a cure. Come, come, I have it: hang laughter: Am I a pro­claimed Cuckold, and therfore a com­plete honest man, and will not I seeke remedy for mine imputation? Is it not a reproach for Pluto, to bee ter­med a Wittall, a plaine honest well­meaning Cuckold? By my regiment [Page 137] of S [...]yx, Lethe, and Phlegeton: and by all my power I have in this inferiour Government, I had rather be enti­tuled knave, than honest. But where's my Revenge? To Iupiter Pluto, to Iupiter; he will pittie his sonnes mis­fortune, and censure Bacchus (that slavering Hogshead) according to his deserts. If I put up this injurie, let me be thrust from my chaire of state, my kingdome of Tartarie for ever. Shew remorse on me, and inflict revenge (thou Tonitruous Iupiter) upon this Horne-maker: for if thou doe not: Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo. I will Iupiter, I will; I'le play the Giants part; skale thy airy Turrets; raze downe thy burnish'd Py­ramids; ravish the Beauties of thy Court; and make one of my bas [...]st slaves lye with thy Queene before thy face. Passion may be long silent, but not supprest: Injuries may be endu­red, but not quite supplanted: I will first, like a poore solicitor, attend thy Court with lenity, my next approach shall be in thunder.

PLVTO seconds his passion with a complaint to Iupiter, the processe [Page 138] whereof how it fell out, you shall heare afterward. VVe must now re­turne to Plutoes young hei [...]e, and how suspicion arose from Acarno the Mid­wife, touching the birth of this young Brat. One day swathling this wan­ [...]on Bastard, she perceived a marke in the childs brest, resembling the pro­portion of a Vine: the feature of the leaves, spurges, and Grapes, so artifici­all naturall, as made the old Trot ex­ceedingly amazed: on she rowles to Proserpina, and shewes her this won­der; the good Queene marvelled not a whit (for she had no reason) know­ing it to be Ba [...]chus stampe: yet least this should be occasion of difference twixt her and Pluto; whose jealousie she had now a little perceived; calls for Iris the Post-Boy in Hell, and commands him, after she had inchan­ted him with her Ebon wand, that he might goe and come invisible, to take his course instantly to the North-part of Ta [...]tary, (on which Border, the Iles of the Burmudoes are seated) and there he should find [...] child in the C [...]adle. VVhich child she enjoyned him with all expedition and tacitur­nity [Page 139] to convey from thence, and bring it to her; where, at his returne hee should heare the rest of her will; in­tending, as after appeared, to convey her young Bacchus in his place, that all suspicion might be avoyded: and this stamp of the true father neither might ingender occasion nor argument of suspect or jealousie in the troubled head of her husband.

On Iris goes in his Ambassage (winged to make the course more speedy) nor rests he his wearied body, till arrived at the utmost Cape of Bur­mudoes sea, where after long search, he findes the joyfull house of Nepen­thes: in he goes (and in the darke covert of night, when cares get re­pose, and the ambitious thoughts of men find harbou [...]) he easily takes the poore infant from beside his sleeping parents. Up hee mounts with the child, and with as much [...] re­turnes to the care seased Chamber of Proserpina: where sitting alone (for Pluto was turned [...] in heavens conclave) seeing [...] come into the chamber, with as quicke [...] (as if her senses before estranged from her, had [Page 140] beene suddenly revived. The child she receives, and the child with as cheerefull a countenance, flies into her bosome. Pretty brat, that occasions no little griefe to thy poore parents, that in their sleepe possessed thee, but wa­king in the survey of their barrennesse makest their lives loathed, but their griefes must not be dilated by our pen; we will leave them sorrowing, & returne to Plutoes successe in his suit.

Pros [...]rpina now at hearts ease, in­tending next morning to send her bastard to Nepenthes house, that it might remaine there fostred in stead of their owne; was prevented by her husbands returne; who came in as she was committing and commending the child to the care, tuition, and safe convoy of her Herald Iris. How these two encountred may be imagi­ned by Plutoes former passion; yet to make our discourse more complete, and the series of our tale with better concordance knit up; You may sup­pose Pluto entring his Queenes cham­ber, and with sparkling eyes, severe looke and menacing aspect, thus cha­stising her.

Proserpina encountred by Pluto.

IMpudent Minion! doest thou imagine Pluto has no eyes, because he weares horns? Let go the bastard; he that fathers it is able to keepe it; Thou hast stuff'd my head with horne shavings; made me infamous for ever; derided in heaven; contemned on earth; and pittied in hell. None but Bac [...]hus (insatiate strumpet) to flie to, That on my knowledge is buzling with every milke-maide! Am I the Rhynoceros thou hast branched? the first Cuckold of thy making! and the first that ever was in hell created! and thou it seemes (to blinde my eyes) wouldst cōvey this Brat to some desc­late promontory, some Anchorage or Sotary, for to pray for thy lewd­nesse? Sure I thinke if ever it pro­ved Fryer it were not of the mo­thers mind, but ere five eares were expired, it would sing, The Fryer has lost his breeches. Out Cockatrice, out: with what forehead canst thou plead for pardon? I that tooke thee up, as [Page 142] earthly Gallants, take up light com­modities, stragling from thy mother, hath found thee now strayed from thy honour. I will never keepe holi­day in thy remembrance hereafter, so long as thy wind-pipe is open. Thy melody shall be converted to shriking; thy best of delights to perpetuall dis­pairing; and thy late banquetting to incessant tormenting. Cuckold Pluto, you strumpet, and none but Bacchus to doe him that dishonour! Better could I have beene pacified, a [...]d soo­ner had the passion of my eter [...]all choll [...]r been mittigated, if any within my owne Regiment had done it: But a drunken slave, that in the height of his Cups, will rumour my hornes to all his Cup-shot Assacinats! Goe to Hell shall roare for▪t. Thy liberty shall be perpetuall imprisonment; thy life horrour; and though thou wish death, yet, he shal not be so thankfull as come, if it be but to augment and aggravate thy misery. And for thy Bastard, heare Ioves decree.

Ioves Decree.

BY the power of my command, Iove the supernall commander of heaven, soveraigne of earth, head Prince of the Mediteranean, and absolute Emperour of the Tar­tars, planter of Iles, establisher of Nations, Extirper of the Bastard Race, auspicious Protector of chaste affections, ratefies this decree follow­ing: Whereas Pluto our well-beloved sonne, upon just complaint of Bac­chu [...], and his licentious Queene Pro­s [...]rpina, hath informed us of illegiti­mate issue, descended from their un­chaste loynes. And that the Bastard (as an apparant and evident note of his dishonour, continues in the Court of Hell, to a publike contumelie of the said Pluto, and no lesse griefe to us. We therefore, to root out the very memory of such disgrace, and the be­ing of so worthy an issue: doe in our power transforme the said Bastard (in resembrance of Aca [...]thus) into a [Page 144] a Plant; wch, to expresse his father shall still reserve the name of his progeni­tor Bacchus: and therefore have we in his memory, called him (as one com­mended to the care, protection, and tuition of his father) Tobacco, the curse whereof we referre to the considera­tion of our sonne Pluto, whose inju­ries we in compassion feele in our selfe. And that our decree is not to be abbrogated nor disanulled; We have here in our celestiall Consistory, Sea­led it with the subscription of our glorious Synode subsined, Mars, Mer­cury, Saturn, Neptune, Aeolus▪ &c. Our decree is not to be adjorned, but with expedition confirmed. For Proserpi­na, to pray is bootlesse; prayers are out of season; or to weepe and de­plore her present misery, is fruitlesse; teares cannot move remorse. The Decree must be performed, and so it was: for Medusa, that brave inchan­tresse, is sent for according to Ioves Decree: and she with her Snaky-rod catching the child, with the Decree read over it, transformes it presently.

The Argument of the following Discourse.
NOVGHT now but leaves for that same feature cleare,
Which but of late did in the child appeare.
The root, the feet, the body was the stemme,
So much commended now of mortall men:
His father heard it, that his child should take
Anoth [...]r feature, and another shape:
Incenst at first, yet makes his sonne divine;
For Bacchus steepes Tobacco in his wine.
The sonne makes sober, and the father drunke;
Thus by Hels birth, Earth's to confusion su [...]ke.
Now wee'l proceed as times be worse and wors [...],
From Bacchus blessing, to Tobacco's curse.

The curse of Tobacco, or, Pluto's blessing to Tobacco.

TO returne to the miserableChap▪ 3. state of those poore Ilanders, that were now deprived (un­awares) of their choycest and selectedst comfort: I need not, onely to expresse the renuall of their hopes; Know that Proserpina in re­morse of her impietie, weaving a se­cond errour in her first offence, and [Page 146] one no lesse (if not more) inexcusable than the other; returnes their child a­gaine with a sumptuous Armolet a­bout the Arme of it, to recompence the wrong she had done, with ad­vantage. VVhat joy the Parents conceived at the restitution of their child, I leave it to you to imagine: Meane time, we will proceed with the second branch of our discourse, to wit, the blessing (or cursing rather) which Pluto gave this Bastard Plant, foretelling, with what admiration it would be received on earth.

Novv my brave Bastard, I will send you up wrapt in a Paper to that father of yours, Bacchus, and may my bles­sing follow thee. Thou art now to travell through many straits: first through the noses of the Burmudoes; for there it is fit thou offer thy selfe first, because they challenge an inte­rest in thee by thy birth. Thou shalt be hissed out of the schoole of Hypocra­tes, Aesculapius, and Galen. Not a Quack-salver Doctor upon the Uni­verse, but shall reade Lectures on thee, as if it were upon an Anatomy. The mercinary Pedler shall counterfeat [Page 147] thee: and drying some VValnut leaves, shall forsweare himselfe for thee. The Frenchman shall love thee, for thou art restorative to his infirmi­ties; thou shalt be as familiar with the tatterd Indian; as Slapdragons with the Flemming; Potatoes with the Italian: or Flawnes with the Bo­hemian. Thou shalt be thy fathers Caterer, provide him victuall and vi­ctualers to [...] his victuall. Yet my comfort is, thou shalt not be onely for the generous Gallant, but as well al­so for Aminadab the Pedant, and Hob-nayle the Pesant: The very Tinker (with his fine Brasse) shall tinckle on thy sides, and snuffe thee out like Neesing-powder. The Pox and Piles shall reverence thee: one fire strikes out another; and whole families shall maintaine their Tatter­demallions with hanging thee out in a string. But of all Cities, Iles, Provin­ces, Dominions, or Segniories, none shall entertaine thee in that royalty, or with that generall state at the Al­bionacts: their Long Acres, Uplands and Downe-lands shall flie in a trice to retaine thee in their company; Thou [Page 148] shalt soake them to the bone (my re­nowned Bastard) and make them skarre-Crowes to Nature. Yet, it cheeres my heart, when I thinke how every foole must have his Bable; and not a good discourse without the suggestion of thy brave, pregnant and fiery spirit. Yet, as well as they love thee, they'l spurt thee out, and make thy owne Mansion all be slubberd with thy owne Iuyce; while this rai­seth Pluto one pin higher: to see a yong Cavalero spit out his patrimo­ny in Rhume. No entertainment without thee; nor speech worth obser­ving, that has not life from thee. Thou makesh the pursued Roarer forget the Serjeant is at doore to arrest him. Thou makest him valiant: not a Brasse button on the Universe dare attach him. Who dare encounter Phaeton, that is nought but fire and smoake! Sending out the Tapers of his wrath, the fagots of his indignation? The Cressets of his spleene, and the furna­ces of his evaporated Ire at the Cre­visses of his Nose? Why, I shall be made to blesse thee: Thou wilt be the onely enlarger of my kingdome, the [Page 149] enricher of my state▪ and the stablisher of my Empire eternally. I shall thanke my wife (ere long) for my Bastard honours. Never did Al [...]ydes more for his stepmother Iuno; than thou for thy stepfather Pluto. I see Charons boat over-burdened already: hoyse up sayles Charon, my hony Bastard sends thee them in Swoupes. But I see more vertue in them yet; as the light of the fire darkens the light of the candle, so shall thy smoake (the pure Elixir of a Gallants brain-pan) draw to thee all the smoake that's used to steme out of great mens Kitchins: Their habitations shall become as de­solate as a Wildernesse; as bare as trees in fall o'th' leafe; as naked as a Frenchmans Scalpe; and as destitute of hospitality, as a Wappin Broker of honesty.

But this is nothing to that reve­rence those smoaking Albyonacts will do unto thee: there will a Schol­ler make a set speech to thee; and can­vase thee in a Blanket, with predica­mentall words, above comparison or Gradation. VVith, O thou Hyble of Intelligence; thou Ars [...]nall of [Page 150] eminence; thou Castalia of Ingenuity; thou Hermyone of Harmony; thou Systema of Logicke; thou Anadema of Rhetoticke; thou Anathema of chol­ler; thou Astraea of Honour. Thus will the word-joyning Scholler grace thee. Then the Lawyer with his Quil­lets and mentall reservations, Solecy­sims, VVrits, and Demurres without Demurres, will thus aboord thee.

O, if Iohn a Styles, or Iohn an Oakes had knowne thee in their dayes, what cases couldst thou have put thē? for by thee (and none but thee) thou Hean­tontymoreumenō of judicious pleading, we gain'd a Melius inquirendum, what it is, or what it meaneth? as for ex­ample, if we find thee not in thy spi­rit and life here, we seeke thee else­where, and so by a Melius inquiren­dum, we possesse thee. By thee (and none but thee) we find what is a Ca­pias ad legatum; for being taken in the head, we are forc't to lie by it. By thee we find what an Injunction is at the first sight; being injoyned to a­voyd much corrupt matter, wherewith men of our profession be extraordina­rily troubled. Wherefore, if thou [Page 151] have any action of Outlary, against a­ny Gallant or Gallants, within our Precincts, in behalfe of Arrerages due to thy Master in thy behalfe; we will procure thee expedition for nothing, (and reason) for thou art incorpora­ted in us. Thus will the spruce Are­opagite discourse to thee: where pre­sently a Waterman, a Tankard carri­er, or such necessary Hogs▪ snout in the City will thus accoast thee. O smoake, no smoake but vapour, and no vapour but smoake [...] thou makest my Tankard as light as a Pipkin; thou makest us never thinke of our poverty, drawne in Sluces from Ware, and in Pipes to London. Nay, nose it (neighbour Ti­mothy) nose it; O Herbe of Grace! surely he that founded thee was some Traitor, for thou hast betrayed me of my wits already. Come, another Pipe, good Master Flie-smoake! why may not we send out a Tankard of water at our nose, as well as Master Had-land blowes out his Acres? We will ho­nour thee still (my brave Trinidadi­call spirit) and we will take it i'th' snuffe whosoever wrongs thee.

THUS (my Noble and Heroycall [Page 152] Bastard) shall all Professions honour thee; all degrees reverence thee; and the chiefe Metropolitan Cities shall maintaine their greatest Trafficke and Commerce by thee. Happy shall bee that man, who can engrosse a portion of thy quickest spirit to himselfe! It shall stand instead of his Orisons in the morning; and early will hee sacrifice the snuffe of his Candle to thy In­cense; not a complete Callant, that hath not his V [...]ensiles to conduct thee to his nose: for thou ministers him a portion of joy, and tells him of buil­ding another Castle or Colosse in the aire.

Thus thou playest Minister to Pluto, and estates me in an ample Go­vernment; thy smoake shall be the conveyance to hale those snuffing Prodigalls to my smoaking Domi­nions; for thou art but a preparative to the solemnizing of thy father Bacchus his Festivals. Thou, to open the pas­sages to receive liquor: He, to poure in his unfathomed Bucket, and to rinse their Liver: Thou, like another Synon, burnes Troy; sacks the Citie; ra­ses downe the walls; and with thy [Page 153] per [...]idious incursion, subjects all the inward parts of the Citie to desolati­on: He, when all things are done (like a seeming friend) protests affection, and with ceremoniall Ambages insi­nuates into that poore Fort which remaines: where like Sile [...]i of the last Edition, they entertaine him, re­ceive so much of his Complement, till they become complete and replete Gallants: then, -suror Arma ministrat. Bacchus sets them byth'eares, Buffet stooles walke, Pottles (like pellets) expresse their meaning by their clat­tering. Here (my worthy step-child) the comfort of my wronged bed, and the onely hope to eternize my so­veraignty, beginnes my Joy! for Discord and Dissention yeelds to me a perpetuall Union and Harmony. Thou art that Brand of Paris, shalt make earth flame for't; that Olympia serpent (that snake of Adraste) shalt winde thy selfe in the minds of men, and draw a greater fleet to thy Voy­age of Tenarus, then ever were of Ar­gonauts to Colchos. If those three Sisters, O [...]to, Ocypete, and Celano; those Arch-Pyrats, Harpies of the [Page 154] Atlanticke, brought such rich booties to their mother Cleona, what will my transformed Bastard doe for me, that hath the whole world to rome in? Thou wilt make Bacchus call thee his white boy; and I will crowne thee with a Diadem of burnisht gold; with a plume of Estrich feathers: and thou at thy returne, like another Aquila, Affricane, or Pompey, shalt triumph in the streets of Hell; we are as many Trophies, as thou hast enricht the Treasurie of Hell with soules. Heere shalt thou lead the Prodigall in chains, and with a shadow of smoake, draw him to follow thee, aut sequetur, aut trahetur. Here, my brave Spend-times, shall desire thy company; but thou like a triumphant Hannibal, shalt con­temne them, leading the Slaves in bonds; and like another Tamerlane, make Earths Soveraignes follow thy Charriot wheeles, crouching like pe­destals at the foot of thy Majesty. Hear my Cautions therefore; and in obser­ving them, thou shalt purchase thee a wreath of eternall honour: Not a Fiend but shall bend to thee; and thou in the Majestie of thy state shalt con­temne [Page 155] the greatest, being made mise­rable by thine inchantments.

Especiall advertisements given by Pluto to Tobacco.

FIRST caution I propound, is, that in everie place where thou commest, thou take the best Booth in the Faire. Plant thy selfe in the eye of the Citie: set mee the picture of some sallow-faced Blackamoore, or a Virginia-man, for that will rather draw custome upon the Frontespice of thy doore: A Zeuxes or Apelles would doe well in these cases, to enforce passengers by the picture, to draw neere the sub­stance: make a partition in thy shop; it may bee the hot Venetian comes to bathe with thee, rather than to drinke Tobacco with thee. Draw the cur­taine close (sinne would have no eyes poring upon her) and when thou seest a young raw Novice, that never was [Page 156] yet matriculated in the schoole of va­nitie, make a speech to him in com­mendation of thy vertue, power, and operation; if hee listen thee with a greedy eare, continue thy discourse with arguments, and how insufficient soever, no matter, the Gudgeon will be taken, and having him once in, pre­sume on his custome. Now and then to discourse of novelties, and unheard­of rarities, will not a little encrease custome: for the phantasticknesse of the age admires nothing so much as fabulous relations. Tell of thy strange birth, but neither of mee nor of the place of thy birth: though men come so frequently to me, yet they love not to heare of me: I would have thee in any case lay traines for the better sort, for the worser sort love to imitate the better: And then in thy profession thou maiest apologize thine errours (as thou canst hardly bee without them) if thou meane to live rich, or not to die a Beggar.

THERE bee three persons I would have thee use with all observances, the Scholler, the Lawyer, and the Poet; I distinguish them, for seldome makes [Page 157] Poet Lawyer, seldome becomes Law­yer Scholler, seldome exquisite Schol­ler either Poet or Lawyer. The Scholler to confirme thy professi­on by reason, the Lawyer by equivo­cation, and the Poet by invention: One to discusse, another to dis­course, and the third to fable These, as by time observing, they may bee eternally won; so by scurvie usage they may bee eternally lost. The Scholler will bee thine, if thou talke in his element; sooth him in his arguments; and call him most pro­found, dogmaticall, and literate Tris­megistus: let not one reason (though it be never so wide of sense) passe from him without thine approbation; and when thou art wearie in praising his imperfections, fall to admiration; but let it be,—Ut pueri Iunonis Ave [...]. If thou canst know what Universitie he is of, advance it with new-coyned and strangely-minted Hyperboles: Dis­course a whole houre of the antiqui­ties of the place; not Mount Pernassus it selfe more ancient. Then dispatiate into the pleasantnesse of the seat; the fruitfulnesse of the place; and withall, [Page 158] of the greatnesse of their Commons; for that they like to heare of, though they seldome see it. These discourses will make the Scholler thine owne; he is thine individuate and incorporate friend; the Ivie claspeth not neerer the Vine, nor the Missell-tow the Oake, than he will knit to thee.

THE Lawyer will be thine, if thou compare these present times with those flourishing and impartiall dayes of Hortensius, Marcus Appius, Corne­lius Graccus: swearing too (for thou must make no bones of oathes) that for pure eloquence, excellent convey­ance, absolutenesse of method, and other proprieties, Rome in her glorie (even in the maturitie of her time) never attained so absolute and exact a course in pleading. Then in defence of corruption, (because everie man must live by his trade) talke of brave Senatours, and the bravest Councel­lours, would now and then be anoyn­ted. and for unction dispense with conscience; and tell him withall, exam­ples of authoritie to confirme it. This discourse will so ensnare my young Mowter, as no question (if hee distaste [Page 159] smoake) hee will frequent thee for thy many good parts: An oyly tongue (my nimble Bastard) is worth a kingdome.

FOR the Poet, I cannot tell what to say to it, he is so oft out of his wits, as he verily imagines himselfe the man in the Moone: There's quick-silver in his braine; and if he were not now and then encountred by Sergeants, and kept under locke and key, hee would verily turne Bedlame. Yet be­cause phrensie must bee purged, and thou (my Wag-halter) hast vertue and operation to love such, becken to the thred-bare contemned Urchin, give him a pipe on my score, hee'll pay it at the next new play he makes, if the Doore-keepers will bee true to him: and if not, hee'll make thee up some scurvie end of a Ballad, deserves a pipe of smoake. But before thou humour him, I would have thee finde him, and I protest to thee I cannot direct thee to him: many have this name, but as farre different from the perfect straine of a Poet, as the glistering of the Glo­worme from the light and splendour of the Sunne. Some come from the camp to the stage, from the pike to the [Page 160] pen; and few Souldiers will prove good Poets. For the nature of these men (I my selfe have had an itching inclination to this poeticall phrensie) had rather fight with Bacchus than Mars; and had rather cope with a barrell, than oppose themselves to a quarrell. Others, from an Indenture to a Theatre; the Scribe turnes Pha­risic; and Asinus ad Lyram, expresseth his owne shame by his Scriveners fragments. Others, from mowting to comicke writing: a brave honour to descend to Poet from Lawyer. But amongst these (my brave Spurio) thou shalt finde many generous wits pos­sest with this phrensie, call them to thee, smoake their wits, it may bee they are mustie, and desire soaking: These poore Gnats deserve thine ac­quaintance, even the lowest favorite in Parnassus Armourie, Qui nescit versus, tamen audet fingere. Take him to thee, hee shall, for his love to Ri­bauldrie, drinke a pipe on my score: What, shall vanitie want smoake? No, (my thrice-renowned Hermaphrodite) smoake thou them here on Earth, and I will smoake them in Hell with pipes [Page 161] of Sulphur. But I pray thee retaine these last of all others; they will draw company to thee; they are made the verie Morio's of our time: and what good wit but either can draw thee in­to acquaintance with great ones; or is so endeared to the other sex; as by their meanes, thou shalt have creatures of both kindes (and that will make thee for ever) resort to thy shop con­tinually! Humor me these Poets; ex­toll their devices, though thou never heard of any of them; they love to be tickled: Flatterie they cannot judge of; for they verily imagine their de­serts out-strip all commendations. But now (my Rogue in graine) if thou couldst set up a private Refectorie, for the young effeminate sort (for they would like Adamants draw continu­all recourse) I would hug thee eter­nally. Sell mee Potato-roots, Erin­goes, all Electuaries, Confections, Re­ceipts, Conceipts, Deceipts, Poma­tum, Cerusse, with a large recitall of thy brave commodities; and a little smooth-faced Ganymede standing at the doore, who▪ like another Parret or Mag-pie, may crie ever in one tune: [Page 162] What doe you lacke? Pomatum of the best, Cerusse; what doe you lacke? If thou be so blest, as to get these Syren­faced things into thy confines, I shall be happie in thee. The best meanes to ensnare them, is to commend them; and in comparison of sexes, to prefer theirs in many degrees before the grosse and distempered constitution of man; fumming up some especiall records of their sexes worth. "Blessed creatures, Soveraignesses of earths happinesses (thus mayst thou binde them to thee;) when Nature fra­med the best of her Art, shee exampli­fied it in you, making you the foun­ders of Cities and flourishing Coun­tries, Provinces and Ilands. Asia first founded by a woman of that name. Europe by Europa, daughter [...] Aege­nor King of Phanicia: and Scythia of a woman that sprung out of the earth, who named her sonne Scytha. To describe the rare sit [...]s and founda­tions of Iles (matchlesse creatures) Rhodes, Corcyra, Salamyna and Ae­ [...] were all founded by women. Shall I ascend higher, and register your excellence in the Planets, and those [Page 163] celestiall bodies, which give humane bodies light? There bee a thousand and twentie stars names knowne, all which have their Constellations of women. Shall I then expresse your in­comparable natures, by essentiall goodnesse? why! Vertue her selfe makes your sex inimitable.

Justice with a sword in her hand portrayed like a woman; Prudence with a glasse; Temperance with a diall; Fortitude with an huge Colos­sus on her shoulder, that Hercules could not remove: all these in Im­broderies, as Tapistrie, Cloth of Ar­ras, and the like, beare the formes of women.

Thus commend them, and they will sooner buy Eringoes of the worst (so they may have them by retaile at thy shop) than at others of the best, that▪ cannot with a glibberie tongue deifie them. But I hold thee all too long: last Caution I should give thee, have I reserved for the last, that it may take deepest and firmest root in thy memorie: on my blessing I warne thee to contemne honestie, as a poore whore that is neither for [Page 164] Court, Countrey, nor Citie. Spurne at her when shee offers to be acquain­ted with thee; it is not fit that Pluto's Bastard should respect Honestie. Get and care not how; forsweare thy selfe and thinke not when; cheat, re­spect not where. Honestie could ne­ver thrive in the world; as she is a beg­gar discard her; as shee is simple scorne her; and as she is base loath her. When shalt thou see Honestie▪ approach a great mans palace, enter a Trades­mans shop, or get bed-roome in an Inne? but Knaverie is ever reaping a commoditie: There is not a Com­rade in all the Citie, but she can make use on; that wind blowes ill, where she gaines not something. To bee short, ere thou ever set up shop, or hang out thy Blackamoore, disclaime honestie; entertaine perjurie; and the first part of knaverie may begin with a paire of uneven scales. Thus if thou proceed in thy trade, I shall thinke my Cauti­ons well▪ bestowed; if not, to aggravate thy punishment, I will eternally ba­nish thy strumpet-mother from mee; and make those verie Gallants which frequent thy shop, kicke thee into the [Page 165] kennell for thy honest simplicitie. More should I say unto thee, but that Hell growes turbulent for want of government. Though I doe not leave thee as I found thee, in that thy shape is altered▪ yet I leave thee in some re­spect better instructed: This is my last blessing; Fly into the world, and may knaverie guide thee, false weights enjoy thee, and many phan­tasticke Asses be seduced by thee.

HAVING shipp'd this plant in Cha­rons vessell, and sent it into the world, what commerce it had in time, and what people of all conditions fre­quented it, shall appeare by this piti­full complaint made by Time; whom you may imagine came forth of an old decayed and ruinous castle, bald-hea­ded, with a sythe in his hand, and blubbered face, standing in the pub­lique street of Troynovan [...], (for there this Plant tooke first planting:) where he exclaimes against Pluto's Bastard, in these or the like continuate pas­sions.

The Argument.

The Complaint of Time upon Tobac­co; and the miserie of mans securitie, lo­sing that treasure by Times expence, which can never be repurchased, or re­deemed, but by bitter and incessant re­pentance.

WHo CALS on Time?Chap. 4. Who makes use of Time? Or who in meere compassion wil wipe these teares from the eyes of Time? Unhappiest of men, that should offer the best of men, yet art despised by all men! None here will negotiate in thy behalfe; they make thee a stale to their pleasures, a Pan­dor to their filthinesse, a Brothell of shame, and a contempt to thy selfe. None esteemes thee as thou art, pre­cious; but makes thee different to thine owne nature, vitious. The am­bitious man hugs thee, to climbe the ladder of preferment by thee. The wanton and licentious Courtier, to satisfie the phantasticknesse of his [Page 167] braine-sicke vanitie by thee. The co­vetous miser, to enrich his never-con­tented coffers by thee. The Prodi­g [...]ll, to spend the gifts of Fortune, and the refined treasure of his sin-cra­zed soule by thee. Thus, who uses thee like thy selfe? Who honours thee like thy selfe? Or who embraces thee, but either by pleasing Earths Mammon, to displease himselfe, or by contem­ning thee utterly, to undoe himselfe? If thou hadst that which thou hast not, it may be some would catch thee, but being bald (as thou art) none layes hold on thee; what, none? no, none; Nemo, herculè, nemo! Yet, me thinks, for all thy baldnesse, the Sergeant should clap hands on thee; his fingers will grant a bald man no dispensation. Yet thee he never lookes at, for why? thou art out of debt, though all be in arrerages to thee, all engaged to thee all in subjection to thee: And like an imperious Owner mayest com­mand an hourely arrest; yet, who is it of all my debtors braves me not? who, of all my factors contemnes mee not? and (to my griefe) who not of the ba­sest revile me not? Miserable Time▪ [Page 168] unhappie Creditour [...] to have so much pitie on such insolent Debtors. Here I heare my name contested by Truth, and presently my testimony is beat downe by Falshood; there, the sim­ple honest man craves that I may try the cause; for (saith hee) Time tries all things; and presently the poore man is cut downe, before his cause come to the verdict of Time. Thus Justice goes on stilts, and Time sup­ports her; Falshood goes under war­rant, and Time secures her; Simpli­citie is opprest, and Time must delay her; the good suffer, and Time sees it; the ill are dispenc'd with, & Time confirmes it: Thus may all men im­pute the cause of all disorder to Time; and so they doe, while I in pitie of the good, will in Time inflict due punish­ment on the evill. Meane time, like love himselfe, and those Aethereall Powers above, who for all their inte­gritie were accused to be Authors of their owne impietie, Art thou bla­med:

O facinus! mortale Genu [...] nos Nu­min [...] primum
[Page 169]Incusat; caus [...]mque putat, fontemque malorum
Quae veniunt.
O wickednesse! what h [...]inous crimes surprize the hearts of men.
To make us Authors of that ill which is commit by them?

MUST thou poore Time be a Maske to every fact unjustly commit­ted? to every bribe corruptly recea­ved? to every oppressor, that is amongst the worst of men numbred? What remedy! thine owne sinceritie is thine owne best Apologie. Thou wilt once discover thy selfe what thou art, and detect the secretst of Imagination, that now seemes secure of thee or thy power. So long hath my Spring con­tinued: I expected a better growth in this field of vanity, then Stub­ble and fruitlesse Darnell. Well, I will now make up my Harvest: I will see if my Sythe can cut downe, where my Lenitie could not make grow. I have too long seene (the essence of my selfe) opportunity offered, contemned; too long, the estimation and repute [Page 170] of my name eclypsed. The worldling shall know he has a power to prune, as he had a desire to water: his infi­nite store of treasures got by oppres­sion, shall be as pathes which conduct him to the Brinke of confusion. The lascivious Dame, that turnes my houre-glasse to observe fashions, shall not with all her painting allure mee; Nor with her Trumperies entice me; Nor with her whoorish-looke seduce me. I am too old to be a slave to a whoore; too wise to be tempted by a whoore; and too proud to serve a whoore. The wastfull prodigall, that becomes heire of his fathers bagges, but not his vertues, shall not affright me with his oathes; awe me with his screw'd face; or dismay me with his Bilboe blade: I have a weapon of a stronger temper, and it will pierce fur­ther then a Roarers Tolado. The un­just Regrater, that engrosseth wealth to himselfe, famine to the land; I will make him open his two-leav'd gra­nars, pull out his worme-sprowt corne, and lay his foysty victuall forth to the open Market. And this done; I will bring him bound, before a [Page 171] better Purveyer. The proud ambici­ous arrogant Princocke, that glories in his out-side, (and so he may, for it is worth more than his inside) shall Player-like, be stript out of those silken Trappings: he plaid a brave mans part on the Theatre of this world, but he has his Exit, and I am in the Ty­ring-house and will dis-robe him; he shall know, Mundus Universus exer­cet Histrionem; Earth is but a stage, the life an Enterlude, the people Actors; onely I am left to empty the Stage with my Epilogue, but none of these for my paines will give mee a Plaudite.

Yet of all these, none to me so profest enemies as these smokers of our Age; they whiffe me out in fume: and spend my best of houres in Candle­light; their wits goe and come by Pipe and Pipe; thus am I taken in snuffe by every Pesant. Alas (poore aged Time) was thy first race thus ad­dicted? were those ancient Heroes of renowne, which got glory by for­raine Conquests, for their Pipe using a Pike, for an herbes vapour, fields terror, thus imployed? No; their time [Page 172] was spent (and gloriously spent) in their countries renowne; Common­weales successe; or publike manage­ments of state, not in an airie vapour. These increased in generall respect by particular worth; they had other imployments than piping; Belonaes march relished better than the juyce of Necotiana; then were the clatte­ring of Armes, the ranking of bat­tailes, the ranging of souldiers, and marshalling of fields, of more esteeme than smoake. Unworthy successors of so noble and imparalleld predecessors, shall Time be spent in nothing, being the precioust of all things, but in smoake and vapour, the lightest and trivialst of all things? Shall your im­ployments which use to be so serious, be expended on an herbe, of all others, most obnoxious? How Time weepes▪ see his teares trickling; his poore de­crepit legges declining; his tongue faltring (as one ready to leave you) and then where be your delights en­ded, how is that interim of your life concluded, when Time shall leave you, that so long bare with you? when your dayes, as they were imployed in [Page 173] smoake, shall end in smoake? Alas! I doe pitty my childrens security, pitty them and grieve for them; Nec longè a miseria est, qu [...]squis miseratur. Your misery (by a transumed nature) be­comes my misery; and while you lose me in smoaking, I well-nigh lose my selfe in sighing. O Niobe, why weptst thou that thou shouldst be so soone deprived of children, since my grea­test misery is derived from having children? Thou weptst, not to pos­sesse them, I to enjoy them; Con­temning their foster mother that first nurst them. I tell them, my teares are continuate; my love intimate; and my end approaching; yet they answer me with hearts obdurate; enmitie in­veterate; and ends despairing. I offer my selfe, and they spurne at me; wooe them with best of Times rhetoricke, and they despise me; and open the treasures of my heart to them, but they reject them and casheere me. And is not this miserable, to contemne him, casheere him, revile and in­veigh against him, without whom they cannot live; without whose breath they cannot grow; and with­out [Page 174] whose supportance they cannot stand? What have they wch I give them not, (or within the course of my houres) that I minister not? Puritie of aire, to breathe; variety of sounds, to heare; fragrancy of savours, to smell; qualities and differences of taste, to re­lish; Diversity of corpulent substance, to handle; and rarities, with dissun­dred store of varieties, to behold. And doe these bounties deserve no requi­tall? Doe these gifts merit no re­compence? Must these ample and in­definite beauties and bounties receive no thankes? must this [...], that gracefull remuneration, established by the Persians: that, whosoever should be readier to receive than give, was to be punished with extreme censure, be thus wrapt up in forgetfulnesse? I have long expected substances, and am I payed with smoake? a sweet In­cence! an excellent satisfaction! More guerdon doe I receive of my love frō the sleeping Dormouse, thanVid Plin▪ in Nat. Hist. Aeli­an. & ibid. the smoaking Gallants; shee sleepes but all Winter, but this Man i'th' Mist smoakes it all the yeare long: hee proportions his nose, like the Ele­phants [Page 175] snout; and to make himselfe more terrible, like another Aetna, steemes Vapor and terror out of his nose. Sure this is none of my Boy! I sent him not into the world smoa­king, but shriking; and now as soone as he came peeping into the world, to fall a piping; he doth not that for which he was sent hither. VVell; if this be the fruit of thy long educati­on, the end of my travaile, and the period of my care, I must seeke out some other children, that will imploy their time better, and make use of my bounties with more circumspection. O Lord, that Diogenes had come in those dayes with his Lanterne and Candle at noone day, he should have found many at their Candle without Lanthorne, but none of those hee sought for, good men. Alas! where may Time find those rare Phoenixes, those white Crowes, blacke Swans, those mirrours of mortality? theNihil quod na­tum est, errat. Grecians Axiome was: [...]; nothing that ever was, ever er­red; but [...], now shall be chan­ged into [...], for all things now claime privilege in errour; and yet [Page 176] what availes it thee poore Time, to weepe? thou mayst sooner change thy selfe into Marble with Niobe, than dissolve the marble hearts of thy chil­dren with thy remorsefull teares. Vertue feldome mounts, but Vice is ever mounting; Passion may shew thy griefe, but the extent of griefe (much I feare it) will not minister aAgn [...]sco (inquit) [...] Ca [...]thaginis. remedy. As when Annibal, seeing his brothers head thrown into his Tents, cryed out: Now doe I behold the misery of Carthage! so when I be­hold that Tawny-faced Aethiopian stand out pictured with a Pipe in▪ his hand, to entice the poore passenger, may I justly cry out; Now doe I be­hold the misery of the world; the corrupter of Cities; the depraver of youth; the dotage of Age; the dis­solution of all! And this griefe is no lesse than any other to me: when I see Pipes made occasions of discourse; where nothing rellisheth, nothing de lighteth without them: O, how I­dlenesse hath erected a throne for her to sit in; and in majestie triumphes over the labours of poore men! O baine of youth, why darest thou usurp [Page 177] the authoritie of a soveraigne, that [...] at best, but a Vassall to the Divell; a deluder of Novices with smoake and vanity; a dissolver of states; a weake­ner of spirits; an enfeebler of strength; an effeminator of youth; and a besot­te [...] of Age? why shouldst thou in thy selfe be so imperious, that art to all States so generally pernicious? Shall that issue which I have bred and brought up in more generous disci­pline, in more heroicke affaires: not in smoake▪ but in the consideration of themselves; not in the expence of idle houres, but in the contemplacion of that soveraigne end wherto they must of necessity come (or be miserably ex­cluded;) imploy their time (which time they borro [...] but of me) in vani­ty [...] leaving their best and soveraign'st delights, to follow their owne phan­tasticke humours? have they no other meanes to bestow that little remain­der of time which is yet behind, but in those vanities which abridge their time, contract their dayes, and make me miserable in the eternall discom­fort of my children? Remaines there nothing now for all my time of la­bour [Page 178] in nurturing them, who have bin odious to that Power from whence I descended? Ungratefull to mee, by whom they were releeved? and worst to themselves, by whom they have perished? I say, remaines there no­thing for my labour in nurturing them, but teares of continuate affli­ction? motives of perpetuate distra­ction (and remedilesse) being hope­lesse of their conversion? I was to them a second Nature, by my nurture pamphering them with my delights; without occasion of surfet; cherish­ing them with my essentiall Cordials of comfort; and teaching them man­nagements of Armes, all oppositions to discomfit; and yet how soone may valour be turn'd to effeminacy, reso­lution to cowardise, and discreet go­vernment (in a hopefull infancie) to a distemporate dyet, by giving the reines of liberty? But I see the cause! while they lived under Times tuiti­on; and were observant of his worth; they answered Times hopes, making a vertuous age succeed a vertuous birth: Then were they rained and [...]estrained; but now giving windes to [Page 179] their sayles, they aspire higher, and must taste of an herbe that equals the aspiring of their minds. O, let time move you to a better and maturer aspiring▪ not [...] smoaky suffrage of popular praise; not the vaine Consorts of house-wasting Rake-hels: but to take hold of me, now while you may possesse me. I am wilfull, if you be neglectfull: I have no haire behind, as you see: take me then by the fore­locke, and make use of opportunity. Time is a precious jewell that must be sought after, if obtained; feeke after me then, while I may be obtained. This Age (I know) hath many in­ducements to draw you from me, ma­ny allurements to seduce you: but shall your father, even the Diall of your youth, and the Haven of your Age, shall [...]e (I say) loose that excel­lence which was created, and at first ordained for him? Must your Win­ter (which seldome brings forth either flower or fruit) be reserved for Time; when your Spring, Summer, and Au­tumne have bin consumed in the losse of Time? When Theseus came to the Temple of Delphos, he offered the [Page 180] first fruits of his haire to Apollo; ma­king the forepart of his head to be shaven, that he might take away all occasion of discomfiture from the Enemie (as Homer writes of the A­ba [...]ts.) Offer then your first fruits, your first endevours, and first intenti­ons, to the use and service of time; that in the surveigh of your readi­nesse, he may minister to you with all cheerfulnesse. Beleeve times words! it is not the swarty-chopt Tobacco­drugge, that will yeeld you content in the expence of your time: You may smoake it long ere you better your owne discourse, or make your Accounts even, which Time expects at your hands. A whole ounce of To­bacco will hardly purchase one dram of wit: Repentance is the best fruit you shall reape out of such an unsa­vory herbe. Art thou yet reclaimed, or art thou hardned? If the one, Time shall entertaine thee with his blessing: if the other; Time will bid thee fare­well, but farewell thou canst not; be­ing relinquished, and utterly forsaken by Time. I am yet staying heere in the street for thee: answer mee but [Page 181] with hope, that thou wilt come, and thou wilt revive poore Time, that droopes with despaire of thy returne. Yet, Spissum verbum est amanti, veniet: I pray thee foreslow not my hopes, frustrate not my expectance, but sa­tisfie my love; Never did pleasures with all their appearance, so much affect thee, nor any temporary de­lights so well deserve thee: Come then quickly to him that doth both love thee, and hath well deserved thee: Odit, nec patitur moras amor: That love which proceeds from the heart, hates delayes with her hart; but where love is dissembling, there love with­out offence may be delaying. How long have I observed thee yonder smoaking, and was doubtfull whether thou wert (as thou seemedst) a man, or that Beast, which the naturall Histori­an talkes off, that sends out nought but fire? In, I durst not come to thee; for I doubted, if I had remembred thee of my abuse, I should have beene spurn'd and spurted at for my labour; Thou art too great to be put in mind of thy errours: but the time will come (Et nesci [...] citius an facilius) [Page 182] when thou wilt wish with briny eyes, relenting heart, and all attendants of a passionate and distracted soule, thou hadst received my instructions, attended to my advertisements, and made Use of my Cautions. I will therefore, with this publicke and ir­revocable Edict, summon three maine infringers of my Will, contemners of my selfe, and corrupters of the Age: my summons shall serve for my last warning; if they returne no more to those Stygian-shops; those Cymerian hovels of darkenesse, I will remit their former errours; if (in despite of my summons) they continue in the height of their Flaming vanities, their smoaky Impostures, Time shall whip those three Stygmaticall Catolounes to death, cutting them downe like Mugweedes, with the Sythe of Fate: Those three majesticke Tobacco-no­sers, Captaine WHIFFE, Captaine PIPE, and Captaine SNUFFE. And first for Captaine WHIFFE.

To Captaine WHIFFE.

YOu Captaine, that glory in your Art of vanity, making a high [Page 183] Road-way 'twixt your mouth and your guttes, (and with a cunning re­trait) bringing it backe same way it came; you, that set up bils for your Novice to reade; as thus: ‘Whosoe­ver wil be Disciplined, or Matricula ted in the Art, Science or Mystery of Tobacco-whiffing, let him subscribe his name, the place of his being; and Captaine Whiff: will be ready there to attend his yong master-ships plea­sure, with the profoundst of his skil.’ O my impudent Sharke, Art thou fled from thy Captaine, & dar'st thou now usurpe the name of Valour? Thou: that durst not smell Gunpowder art now turn'd Tobacco-whiffer? For thee, if there were no Time, yet there would remaine some few Mi­nutes reserved, to commend thee to a halter, for thy flight from thy Cap­taine. I my selfe will present thee for altogether; thou shalt not onely bee hanged (I would have thee marke me) before the eye of the world; but I will have thee begg'd for an Anatomie, that thy Entrals▪ (like Tamerlaines blacke Bannaret) may hang for Tropheyes in honour of Captaine [Page 184] Whiffe, and his thrice-puissant, and thrice-renowned Profession. Having brought thee to be this Anatomy, I will leave thee.

To Captaine PIPE.

YOu Captaine Pipe (because your name is good) and many Pipes we need in this our flourishing Troyno­vant, for conveyance of that pure Element water into our Citie. You I say, shall be imployed in conveying of water, (because you have beene ever used by men which frequented those Alleyes) to those despicable and for­lorne creatures, those diseased Gal­ly-foists of Turneball, Picke-hatch, Ram-Allie, and other Suburbane-tra­ders, that in contempt of Vertue, make a Contract with Hell. This (though it be no worke of Charity) yet it is as good a worke as is expected of thee Captaine: thou wert once the Gallants Pander, beare now the Whoores Tankard: Where I will leave thee.

To Captaine SNUFFE.

CAptaine Snuffe, it may bee you will take it in snuffe, if Time tell you wherein you erre: but best is, as I am indifferent for thy hate, I am se­cure for thy power: Renounce the Devill, (Captaine) be not fired before thy time: be respective (as thou art a Captaine) of thine honour; and take heed thou taste not, for thy Tobacco, Brimstone and Sulphur: I would not have thee snuffe at mine instructions; for I may, and with unamated front must tell thee, that I have contested with a man of as great worth, and of far more grace, it may be. The higher Cedar (if faultie) deserves the rougher censure. Opposition to the malevo­lent disposition, is my recreation. Now it may bee, that in some drunken passi­on thou wilt sweare to stab me, what wilt thou gaine by it? where wilt thou bee, when Time has no being? Let not my precepts move thine in­dignation, but thy conversion: for thy threats, Time never feared them (though spoken by valour) much lesse [Page 186] by an indiscreet Asse, that is carried away with choler.

Now for my Pipe-invective; if it drive thee into a fume, from a fume to a flame, my heart is hoofed; may thy gall with fume bee seared, thy guts with the flame be scorched, my fire­worke will bee secured, though with paper-squibs onely sconced.

If Time should pray for thee, I thinke thou wouldst not thanke mee; yet I will offer a few orisons up for thee, for I doubt thou canst offer none for thy selfe. Leave me that s [...]uffing, and fall to sighing; thou art neare thy grave, and then thou shalt bee smoakt for thy vaine time▪ Receive my teares,Thus still (mee thinks) I heare poore Time complaine, And chide her Brats, for being so prophane. as testimonies of my love (for ill is that nature that sends them forth in hate:) meane time, these succinct Cau­tions I dedicate, as remembrances to all the world; that when Time shal sur­cease to bee, and shall leave them, Time-lesse Eternitie may afterwards crowne them.

TIMES remembrances to the world.

LIve in the world, as if thou meantst to leave it, being indiffe­rent of loving it, and resolved to de­spise it.

In honour, seeke it not; for seldome is honour sought by deserts: if shee may by direct courses bee purchased, & without appearance of thine owne seeking, receive her: Gold should bee taken, if offered. In riches, bee not so prodigall, as thine owne expence may breed want; or so miserable, as thou canst not use thine owne. In life, pre­pare for death: in time, for eternitie of time; that when thy being is expi­red here, thou mayest live ever else­where. In eminent places, let not the object of Earth darken thine eye for Heaven: for Time had rather bee a poore sojournour twixt Earth and Heaven, than by being great on Earth, lose my portion of greatnesse in Heaven.

In thy rising, looke to the staires of thine ascending: if the foundation be desert, thou mayest (perhaps) con­tinue [Page 188] longer; but if desertlesse high, I feare Ph [...]tons pride will bee thy cen­sure. Set an houre-glasse ever beside thee, and weepe at everie drop of sand that fals; for everie drop of sand a­bridges of the number of thy dayes: wish not thine houre-glasse soone spent, unlesse thy fervencie in desire of dissolution, take thee from the thought of mortalitie, to the conside­ration of glorie. Happily are thy de­sires extended, if thus disposed; and Time, which in thy happy expence of Time did love thee, shall in thy pos­session of Eternitie, leave thee.


Ista liquescens pluvia, lavet peccati diluvia.
DRe [...]ch thy drie soule in rivolets of teares;
Em [...]athe thy panting heart in flouds of griefe;
Enhearse thy sable soule in lasting feares;
Enroule thy selfe amongst all mourners chiefe:
Water thy bed with pe [...]etentiall showers,
And for wilde weeds bring forth delicious flowers.
"For never did the Sun yet shine upon
"That wretch, who sinned more than thou hast done.

In a little Tract, entitled Tobacco: TOBACCO. published by especiall direction of the Author upon his death-bed, dedicated to Humphrey King, one well experienced in the use, bene­fit, and practice of that herbe, and printed for Will. Barlow (with To­bacco Armes) then keeping shop in Gracious street: wee have collected these observations.

The divers [...]ie of names given to this Herbe.

THis Herbe with the French hath beene most known by the name of Nicotia­na, from Mounsieur Nicot a French­man, Embassadour to the King of Portugall, who sent this herbe first into France.

Others have called it, Queene mo­thers herbe; for that when Mounsieur [Page 190] Nic [...]t had sent it, commended to her, she first planted it.

Others there want not, which call it Petum Masculine, though far diffe­rent in qualitie and effect, from that the Portugals and Spanyards have cal­led Petum Feminine.

The sove­raigne qualitie of this herbe, may be gathe­red from the verie radicall derivative of it: drawne from the ob­servance of a most judicious and accom­plisht Knight, one, whose personall worth gives an [...]minent addi­tion to his no­ble birth: For [...] in the He­brew signifies [...]onum, and [...] in Greek, Remedium; im­plying, that it is a good reme­die against any maladie. Tobacco first sent from Florida to Portugall, by the testimony of Moun­sicur Nicot, a serious and exact sear­cher of ancient Records.

The Authors which have most amply writ of it.

  • two French-men.
    • Charles Stephen,
    • Iohn Liebault,
  • Aegidius Eurartus, and
  • Monardes, a Spanyard.

The effects or operations of it.

MOunsieur Nico [...] finding sundry so­veraigne qualities in it, amongst other cures applide it to a Noli me tangere, and cur'd it. His Patient was Countesse of Ruffe, having her face perished with a wart.

The like experiments were done by Iarnick [...] Governour of Rochell; re­porting at a solemne feast, how by di­stilling [Page 191] this Tobacco, mixt with the juyce of another little herbe, casually found in the wood, he had cured one extremely pained with the Asthma.

It hath healed these diseases; the Wolfe, Canker, Kings Evill, all old sores, wounds, Tetters, broad biles, pricking of the Fish called Vives (the nature of whose touch is to procure infinite bleeding, even to death:) the Gout being rubbed in the infected place with oyle-olive, and afterwards by applying warme leaves of Tobac­co, hath beene much allayed.

It hath cleared the sight, and cured one long languishing in a consump­tion, which I could instance in a Lady of good account, at this day living.

Aegidius Eurartus▪ in his Discourse De herba Panac [...]a, writeth, how a certaine woman had given her Cat a verie strong poyson; when the poore Cat was in that taking, that she could not stand with dizinesse, and strived to voyd forth the poyson in vaine; the woman remembring her selfe, found meanes to open her jawes, and making a little ball of bruized Tobacco, ming­led with butter, to make it goe downe [Page 192] the better, thrust it into her mouth, and so swallowing it downe, within a short time shee cast up all the poyson, and so was saved.

It will cure all pimples, carbuncles, and other red excrements, called Ale­buttons.

The Spanyards report, that the In­dians, after their labour and travell, drinke unmeasurably Tobacco; which not onely refresheth them, and takes away their wearinesse, but makes them apt and prompt to businesse.

The description of it.

THis herbe in forme much resem­bleth Consond [...]. The figure or Proportion of it, you shall finde drawne in the same Tract.

The maine stalke of Tobacco groweth upright, and big in propor­tion, his leaves are velveted, and are in growth bigger and larger at the stalke than towards the end of the leafe; re­sembling the plaine forme, figure, or feature of any other leafe not ragged nor indented, save that you shall have some leaves broader and larger than both your hands, and in length▪ as [Page 193] much as three hands breadth.

The flower of the Tobacco is much like the flower of Niel; sometimes yellow, and sometimes of a Carnati­on colour, and sometimes in forme like a Bell.

And when it casteth the flower, it leaves the former proportion, & taketh the semblance of an Apple; in which you may find the seeds inclosed very small, appearing not much unlike to Iusquiasme seeds, which are yellowish: but when they grow toward their full ripenesse, then they appeare more near to a blacke.

The convenientst season for sowing it.

FOr the time of sowing it in Eng­land; I agree rather with Monar­des than these two, who say it is best sowing it in the midst of Aprill; but I would rather hold it better to sow it in March, for the same occasion that Monardes writeth: howbeit, Stephen and Liebault write, that the Spaniards and Indians sow it after har­vest.

The convenientst season for gathring it.

LEo Suavius wils that we should [Page 194] gather the leaves in the moneth of Iuly; and then bruise and distill them in a double Limbecke, with two Emissories or Spouts of glasse, and keepe this a yeere: for (saith he) this received to the quantity of an Ounce, for the increasing of health in a sicke or waterish stomacke, is most effe­ctuall.

The convenientst Soyle for increase of it.

THe best place wherein it will most prosper, and be naturally planted in our countries, is, where the Sunne shineth most; and if it be possible, a­gainst some wall, which may defend it from the North-wind, which is an in­finite enemy to this herbe; being so tender in stalke, nature and quality, as it may endure no distemper, nor ex­tremity.

It is hot and dry in the second de­gree;Thus have I prov'd TOBAC­Co good or ill; Good, if rare taken; Bad, if taken still. and consequently of a purging quality; but fit for persons of all de­grees, upon necessity.


TIMES Sonnet.

SWeet Youth, Smoake not thy time,
Too precious to abuse;
Th'ast fitter feats to choose:
What may redeeme that prime,
Thy SMOAKING AGE doth loose?
Good Oldman, eye thy Glasse,
See, how those Sands doe fall!
None can agraine recall:
Old houres doe quickly passe,
Shall SMOAKE consume them all?
Loves Lady, whom Sunne, Weather,
Yea, the least airy touch,
(Complexion it is such)
May taint; cinge not your feather,
TOBACCO may doe much.
Shunne SMOAKE, East, VVest, North, South,

CHAVCERS incensed Ghost.

FRom the frequented Path where Mortals tread,
Old-aged CHAVCER having long retir'd,
Now to revisit Earth at last desir'd,
Hath from the dead rais'd his impalled head,
Of purpose to converse with humane seed,
And taxe them too, for bringing him o'th Stage
In writing that He knew not in his age.
Las; is it fit the stories of that Book,
Couch'd and compil'd in such a various forme;
Which Art and Nature joyntly did adorne,
On whose quaint Tales succeeding ages look,
Should now lie stifled in the steems of Smoak,
As if no Poets Genius could be ripe
Without the influence of Pot and Pipe?
No, no, yee English Moo [...]s, my Muse was fed
With purer substance than your Indian weede;
My breathing Nosethrils were from Vapors freede,
With Nectar and Ambrosia nourished,
While Hospitality so flourished
In Great mens Kitchins: where I now suppose,
Lesse Smoake comes from their Chimneyes than their nos [...].
But I heare some prepar'd to question mee,
The reason why I am so freely bent
In such sad straines to publish my complaint;
Or what strict Mamothrept that man should bee,
Who h'as done Ch [...]ucer such an injurie;
Whose tongue, though weake, yet is his heart as strong,
To call them to account that did him wrong.
I'le tell it yee, and must expect redresse;
Would any of you hold it not a blot
To father such a Brat hee never got?
Or would he not ingenuously confesse,
Hee'd rather wish himselfe quite issuelesse?
Conceive this well; for if it be a crime,
As sure it is, such is the case of mine.
Downe by a secret Vault as I descended,
Pent in with darknesse save some little ray,
Which by a private cranie made his way,
By helpe whereof I saw what me offended,
Yet found no meanes to have the fault amended.
Fixt to a Post, (such was poore Chaucers lot)
I found my name to that I never wrot.
And what might be the Subject? no relation
Sad, solid, serious, morall, or divine,
Which sorted with the humours of my time,
But a late Negro's introduced fashion,
Who brought his Drugs here to corrupt our Nation.
'Gainst which, because it's used in excesse,
My Muse must mount, that she may it suppresse.
Now some may well object, as many will,
This Taske addes rather glory to my name,
Than any way seemes to impaire the same;
But I say no; Chaucer would thinke it ill
To plant Tobacco on Parnassus hill;
Sacred the Synod of the Muses bee,
Nor can such W [...]eds spring from Apollo's tree.
Besides, what danger might Prescription bring!
For had the use of it been knowne to me,
It might have pleaded well antiquitie;
But th' Poets of my time knew no such thing,
How could they then of such a subject sing?
No; th'age we liv'd was form'd of milder stuffe,
Then to take ought, like Male contents, in snuffe.
Pure are the Crystall streames of Hippocrene;
Choice the dimensions which her Bards expresse;
Cleare is their heart as th' Are which they professe;
How should they relish then ought that's uncleane,
Or waste their oyle about a Smoaky dreame?
Farre bee't Minerva should consume her Taper
In giving life or lustre to a Vapor.
Whose pleasing Com­ments are shortly to bee published.
TALES I told, if morally applide,
How light soe're, or wanton to the show,
Yet they in very deed were nothing so;
For were the marke they aym'd at but descride,
Even in these dayes they would be verifide;
And like Sybillas Oracles esteem'd,
Worth worlds of wealth, how light soe're they seem'd▪
Witnesse my Miller, and my Carpenter,
The amorous stories of my Wife of Bath,
Which such variety of humours hath;
My Priour, Manciple, and Almoner,
My subtile Sumner, and the Messenger;
All which, though moulded in another age,
Have rais'd new Subjects both for Presse and Stage.
Yet note these times disrelishing my tongue,
Whose Idioms-distaste by nicer men
Hath made me mince it like a Citizen!
Which Chaucer holds a manifest wrong,
To force him leave what he had us'd so long:
Yea, he dislikes this polishing of Art,
Which may refine the Core, but spoiles the heart.
But yet in serious sadnesse I impute
This to no fate or destiny of mine,
But to the barraine Brain-wormes of this time;
Whose Muse lesse pregnant, present or acute,
Affording nought that with the age may sute,
Like to the truant Bee, or Lazie Drone,
Robb [...] other Bee-hives of their hony-combe.
And which is worse, this Worke they make their owne,
Which they have pruned, purged and refin'd,
And aptly form'd it to the Authors mind;
When I'm assured, if the truth were knowne,
They reape the Crop which was by others sowne.
Yea, these usurpers to that passe are brought,
They'l foyst in that wee neither said nor thought.
This, This it was incens'd old [...]haucers Ghost,
And caus'd him vent his passion in this sort,
And for a while to leave th'▪ Elysian Court,
Where honest Authors are esteemed most;
But such as on the Deadmans Labours boast
Excluded are, enjoyn'd by Fate to won
Vpon the scorching Banks of Phlegeton.
Yee then, whose measures merit well the Name
And Title yee retaine, Poets, I meane,
Bedew'd with influence from Hippocrene,
As yee Professants seeme, so be the same,
And with your owne Pennes eternize your fame;
Shun these Pipe-Pageants; for there seldome come
Tobacco-Factors to Elysium.

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