VVits A. B. C.

Or A Centurie of Epigrams.

AT LONDON Printed for Thomas Thorp, and are to be sould at the signe of the Tigers head in Paules Church-yard.

To the intelligent Reader.

IF I should goe about to fashion a title, on a fit block for bellua multo­rum capitum, the many headed mul­titude, it would bee hic labor, hoc opus, as hard as to paint a Camelion, (which is very variable in his co­lour) or to fit Proteus with a sute, who is alwayes changing his forme. As for the com­mon titles, kinde, gentle, louing, and courteous Rea­der; they are so stale (and therefore out of fashion) that they would scarce bee respected, so neare of a size, that they will hardly fit such variety of sconces and therefore I refuse them: and though I should turne ouer whole volumes of Synonimaes, I should not finde any so significant, to bee correspondent to the fashion, or faction, of the rable of Readers, for some you shall haue, so high in the fore-head, that the Tankard fashion will bee too low, and they will be pushing at me: some Weesill pated, hauing little heads, and lesse wit, and yet with their dudgen iudg­ments they will generally stab at what-so-euer their slender capacities cannot conceiue: other there are, [Page] whose heads indeed are of a block in Folio, but their witte is in the least decimo sexto, so that it must bee that Locus is not aequalis locato, and by consequence a great vacuum, or else their skuls are of such an ex­traordinary thicknesse, that one must (as artificers do when they would enter a nayle into a hard peece of wood) bore a hole, before he can make a iest haue cleare passage, into their grosse Caputs, and they will stand with hum, and ha, three parts of an houre ouer one poore Epigram, and at length (because Quic­quid recipitur, recipitur ad modum recipientis) they will giue sentence that it is dull. Such a number there are of these sorts of vnmercifull iudges, that it is enough to make a man turne Satyre, and teare them limme meale with bitter words. But for my part, I appeale from their censures, and not liking them, I will leaue them, and come to my purposed Reader.

Intelligent Reader, hauing at idle times scribled a few rimes, or Epigrams, and being willing to set them out to the view of the world, as Apelles did his pictures. But not being able to lye vnder the bulke of euery mans censure (as he did) and so to mend any thing I see is a fault, as also to reprehend any prating Cobler, with ne sutor vltra crepidam. I haue chosen thee my onely reader if it were possible, at least my patron against all causelesse fault-finding fooles, hoping that (being 'tis the first lesson I haue taken in Wits-schoole) thou wilt fauor me if I be not [Page] witty. (The first time I haue made a shew of Poetry) thou wilt pardon me, if I be not Poeticall. But how­soeuer, non mihi Suffenus ero, whether thou speakest with me, or against me, I will subscribe to thy iudg­ment: and so wishing thee as much pleasure in reading my Epigrams, as I had recreati­on in writing them, I rest.

Thine as I finde cause,

Author ad Musas.

GReat Ioues faire Daughters, louing Sisters nine,
Behold me prostrate at your learned shrine;
You heauenly Nymphs keeping Pernassus hill,
Inspire my minde, and eke direct my quill.
Grant me your wills, with Wit that I may write,
And teach me Wit, your wills for to endite.
And that I may the sooner perfect be;
Let me straight-way begin Wits A. B. C.

Wits A. B. C.

Liber ad Lectorem. 1.

I Hardly did escape the Printers Presse,
It did so rudely crush my tendernesse:
And now I feare more harme will me befall,
If I long lye vpon the Stationers stall.
Some-time I shall be nayld vnto a post,
And som-time rashly torne, pincht, scratcht, & crost:
Reader therefore, in kindnesse let me wooe thee:
To free me hence, sixe-pence will not vndoe thee.

O Mores. 2.

FOlly hath lately crowned Fashion king,
Fashion commands, fashion rules euery thing.
In court, in countrey, in cittie, and towne,
Old, yong, men, women feare fashions frowne.
For aske your Sattin swaggring Caualiere,
Wherefore his purse containes scarce one deniere?
Or why he walketh dinnerlesse in Paules,
As if he prayed for departed soules?
Heele say 'tis gallants fashion, and that purse
And belly both, for fashion fare the worse.
Aske him againe why's sute is quite out-wore,
Before he hath dischargd the taylors score?
Or why he doth his nose with soote vp-choake?
[Page]But none forbid a man to feede himselfe,
Doth Phagus well (I pray you tell me) then?
Who often vseth swearing for his need,
Some times with othes, he doth his belly feede.

In Croesum, 7.

CRoesus hath got a pretty tricke of late,
To coosen any needy borrowing mate,
Two chests he hath, the one stands in his hall,
And that the world, the other he his friend doth call,
The which is in his closet cramd with gold,
But that chest he calles world, noe crosse doth hold,
And when that any borrower doth come,
Asking to borrow any greater summe,
Then well vpon his credite he dare leaue,
With this his new found tricke heel him deceaue,
I sweare quoth he (sitting on's empty chest)
I am not now with so much mony blest,
For in this world (my want this time is such)
I know not how to get you halfe soe much,
The man thinkes he meanes plainely, doth depart,
Although perhaps but with a heauy heart:
If it be one whome he entends to friend,
Vpon whose credit he dare so much lend,
Then thus: I haue it not, but this Ile doe,
Ile if I can my friend for so much wooe,
And vp vnto his gold cramd chest he goes,
Which stuft with many golden crownes, oreflowes,
[Page]His friend is kind, and prest at his command,
Take what he will, he will not him withstand,
Then downe he comes, and tells what he hath done:
How with entreaty he his friend hath wonne.
The other thankes him much, and thinkes him kind,
That hee hath tooke such paines to please his minde.
Nay thanke my friend (saies he) for your good speede,
For he it is hath helpt you at your neede.

In Cottam. 8.

COtta when he hath din'd, sayth Lord be praysd,
Yet neuer praiseth God for meate or drinke;
Sith Cotta speaketh, and not practiseth,
He speaketh surely, what he doth not thinke.

Tobacco. 9.

THings which are common, common men doe vse
The better sort doe common things refuse,
Yet Countries cloth breech, and Court veluet hose,
Puffe both a like, Tobacco through their nose.

In Superbum. 10.

RVstique Surperbus fine new clothes hath got,
Of taffata, and veluet faire in sight:
The shew of which hath so bewicht the sot,
That he thinkes Gentleman to be his right.
[Page]But he's deceiu'd, for true that is of old,
An ape's an ape though hee weare cloth of gold.

Gentility, 11.

IN former times were none call'd Gentlemen
But those whose higher spirits fame did winne,
Either in learning passing other men,
Or else whose valiant actes had famous bin:
Learning, and Valour, then were knowne to be,
The onely fountaines of Gentility,
These Eagle like, could gaze against the Sunne,
By them conioynd all braue exploits were done.
But now the world is chang'd, the Kite is crept
Into the Eagles nest; each baser swaine
Hath vndeserued name of credite reapt.
For such as haue [Experience shewes it plaine]
More wealth, then Wit, more vailes, then valour are
In gentle bloud now thought to beare a share.
But wronge it were vnto true Gentle bloud
It should be staind with such a bastard brood.

A Paradoxe. 12.

DIues his house hath cost a thousand pound,
For he hath built it newly from the ground:
Tis fairer now then when his father liu'd,
Tis better built and better far contriu'd:
But yet of late I saw a poore man weepe:
[Page]Saying his father a better house did keepe.
Wherefore to me A Paradoxe it seem'd,
That what was worse, could yet be better deemd.

In Gallum. 13.

GAllus who was so long vnmaried,
Hath now at length [he thinkes] a mayden wed,
She is not old, he hopes sheele beare a child
To be his heire: but sure he is beguild:
For ground leaues of to beare, which long hath bore,
And she hath borne so much, sheele beare no more.

In Lycippum. 14.

LYcippus you will yeeld your wife's a whore,
Your selfe a cuckold, but you grante no more,
I say then you must a whore-master bee,
That you deny, ile proue it openly:
Who loues, liues with, likes, and lies with a whore
Is a whoremaster, you do this therefore
You needes must yeeld, although with much ado,
That a right cuckold's a whoremaster too.

A Litle thing. 15.

SImon, and Sisse his wife are fallen out,
He's kinde inough, yet she laughes him to scorne,
[Page]She scolds, and frownes, and calles him asse and lout,
Swearing that she will make him weare the horne▪
And yet the cause as Fame the newes doth bring,
Is all about a very little thing.

In Alphonsum. 16.

ALponsus lately went to learne the French,
For Linguam mulierum well he loued:
And where his teacher lay, he found a wench,
Though part he lik't, the whole he more approued.

In Quandam. 17.

IF Grace steppe out of dores into the street,
But towards Church, or with a friend to meete:
What is the cause it may be some will aske,
Why she still goeth hooded in her maske;
Grace is afraid, although to her disgrace,
The winde, or raine will marre her painted face.

In Baldum. 18.

ARt mendes nature, Baldus can tell as much,
And by experience his skill is such,
For had it not beene so, as 't well be fald,
He knowes his false hayrd head, had yet beene bald,
But when that nature was deficient,
Therein, Art presently her succor lent.
[Page]And therefore head, and beard doe not agree,
Cause nature, and art much differing be.

In Gelliam. 19.

GEllia hath beene at Cookry, many a day,
A Cookes her father, so her maister is:
Then she must needs dresse flesh well you wil say,
Tis probable, but yet you iudge amis.
For She so much from all good chookry's turnd,
That flesh hath come from her, halfe raw, halfe burnd.

In Quandam. 20.

IS she that Marchants wife? I know that face,
And sure haue seene it, in some other place;
Lets see, did I not meete her on the way?
Or se her at a Sermon, or a play,
Or where was it? ifaith t'would please me well,
If I for certeinty the place could tell;
Oh now I haue't, [...] not worth a louse:
Twas but her picture, at a baudy house.

Misogunes his Inuectiue against women. 21.

TH' are called women quasi wo, to men;
The which is prou'd to true, now and then.
And diuers men, by getting of a wife,
Doue often hazard liuing, lim, and life,
[Page]For they are faithlesse, cruell, and vnkinde;
Vnconstant, and disloyall, still in minde
Thei'le hate you deadly, whē you'd sweare they loue,
When you most trust them, they vnfaithfull proue.
Women are proud, immodest, and vnchast,
Vice raigneth in them, vertue's quite defac't,
Their faults are many, though they them disguise,
All which Ile truly thus Epitomise:
Syrens in shew, in word, and deed th'are diuells,
The onely fountaine of all humaine euills.

Philogunes his answer. 22.

BLack mouthed Zoilus, base Misogune,
Monster of men, infernall progenie,
Whose cancred soule to naught is circumflexe,
But wrongfully t'abuse the femall sexe:
One tale is good vntill another's heard,
When mine is ended, thine will quite be mard.
Women are fellow-helpers, mens reliefe,
A comfort, and co-partners in their griefe:
A man when once he hath obtain'd a wife,
Doth after liue a quiet, pleasing life,
For they being faithfull, loyall▪ and most kinde,
Doe rid all sorrowes, from a grieued minde.
They loue men dearly, constant is their loue,
Though you mistrust them, they most faithful proue
Women are sober, modest, humble, chaste,
Vice they defie, vertue in them is grac'd.
[Page]Their praise is great, the which in briefe Ile tell,
[Let them controule me if I doo't not well]
In shew th'are Saints, in word and deed most kind
The sole perfection of the humaine kinde.

Philologus his moderation. 23.

MIsogunes who hateth womans name,
Doth what he can that sexe for to defame,
And being wrong'd by some, saith constantly,
That all women want shame and honesty.
In briefe heele falsely sweare, in his mad mood,
That neuer any of that sexe prou'd good.
But Philogunes on the aduerse part,
Being mild in word, and far more milde in heart.
And hauing of that sexe some fauors had,
Saith neuer any woman was knowne bad.
The one doth wrongfully them all despise,
The other doth extoll them to the skies:
The one most churlishly doth all miscall,
The other soothingly commends them all.
Thus both do erre, being both in the extreame,
For all men erre, who do not keepe the meane.
Wherefore let me [free from affection]
Being not wrong'd by any, yet bound to none:
Speake freely what I thinke, and end this strife,
Without displeasing widdow, maide or wife.
The fairest garden, beares some stinking weede,
The fertil'st ground with wheate brings Cockle seed.
[Page]But why doe they then vse that Bacchus weede?
Because they meane then Bacchus like to feede.

Good-fellowes. 30.

THey that will haunt the Tauernes day by day,
And drinke till they cannot a wise word say,
Are not accounted drunkards now adayes,
But they are calld good-fellowes (as their praise)
And right th'are call'd, for they good-fellowes be,
Good fellowes for a drunken company.

In Bacchum. 31.

POt lifting Bacchus to the earth did bend
His knee, to drinke a health vnto his friend:
And there he did so long in liquor powre,
That he lay quite sick drunke vpon the flowre.
Iudge, was not there a drunkards kindnes showne?
To drinke his friend a health, and loose his owne.

In Flaccum 32.

FLaccus being young, they said he was a gull,
Of his simplicity each mouth was full:
And pittying him they'd say the foolish lad,
Would be deceiued sure of all he had.
His youth is past, now may they turne him loose,
For why the gull, is growne to be a goose.

In Bembum. 33.

BVshy chind Bembus, in his angry moode,
Gainst one [offending him] who by him stood,
Called him boy, meaning his great disgrace,
Why boy? because he had no haires in's face,
Bembus great beard doth sure his wit empaire,
If he thinke manhood, doth consist in haire.

A rich man. 34.

HE's rich that hath great In-comes by the yeare,
Then that great bellied man is rich ile sweare:
For sure his belly nere so big had bin,
Had he not dayly had great commings in.

Paynters. 35.

APelles heretofore gan Venus paint,
But durst not finish out so great a saint:
Painting of Venus then you see was rare
That Apelles to do it would not dare.
But age hath made her youthfull beauty fade
And of Apelles now she would be glad:
For, he being dead, what shift [poore soule] she makes
Not liking others she her maidens takes
For Painters, they the art of painting learne,
And by that art, they praise of beauty earne:
[Page] Venus held them so close vnto their trade,
That they by vse are perfect painters made.
How cunningly they can a wrinkle hidd,
A spot, a mole, a scarre, a pockhole wide,
And die their cheekes, and lippes, with blushing red,
Where neuer any naturally was bred,
To paint so common is mongst female kind,
That few womens true faces now we find.

In Caluos. 36.

COrnutus asked me, how such happe befalld,
His brethren of the towne, that most were balld,
I told him thus (being loth to say him nay)
Their cruell hornes, doe feare their hayres away,
If it be so (quoth he) dissolue this doubt,
Why hind part's hayrd, when fore-part is without?
I said, though leasser feare the greater might,
Yet then they are secure, when out of sight,
So hayres may be in that place, without feare,
Because their hornes, cannot espie them there.

Aenigma, 37.

MOngst burden-bearing creatures there is one,
That diffreth from the rest, is like to none,
They when they take their burdens vp, doe griue,
And to throw't from them earnestly do striue,
And being disburdned once, then they reioyce.
[Page]But this I meane is diffring in it's choyse,
It takes, and beares most willingly, being easd,
Then, then alas 'tis most of all displeas'd.
Thou shalt be Oedipus if thou not misse,
To tell what kinde of creature this same is.

A winding hound. 38.

THat puppie hath some ex'lent vertue sure,
Thy Mistresse can with her so well endure:
No great vertue Sir, but 'tis a winding hound,
They say brought lately, from the land new found.
My Mistresse loues it still with her to haue,
Because it doth oft-time her credite saue.
The reason why, if you do seeke to finde,
My Mistresse indeed, is troubled with the winde.

In Clotum. 39.

NEw maried Clotus to the Fence-schoole goes,
Which makes each wonder that the matter knowne
That he who did it not (before) delight,
Should now at length, being maried learne to fight.
Some thinke that one hath challengd him the field,
And feares his want of skill will make him yield,
Or that he doth his skill in fighting mend,
That he the better may his wife defend.
This may be true, but I dare lay my life,
The yongster doth it now to match his wife.

In Morum. 40.

MOrus whose fame cried cuckold to his face,
Both to his owne and's wifes no smal disgrace:
Heard one reade lately in Philosophy,
That what had hornes from teeth aboue was free,
Ist true (quoth he?) Philosophy saie so:
Then henceforth for a cuckold ile not goe,
If cuckold. I had hornes▪ if hornes? no teeth
That I no cuckold am then each man seeth?
To speake more plainely to each foolish daw,
Let them feel haue teeth in my vper iawe:
Morus thats wife is honest now will sweare,
And of a horne he standeth not in feare:
As long as his old rotten teeth doe last,
Heele thinke he's not with forked order grac't.

Hornes. 41. Husband.

WHen thou art whorish I do weare the horne,
But why should I for thine owne faults beare skorne?
If thou offend, do thou for it be blam'd,
And let not me for thine offence be sham'd.


IF I haue hornes, I on my head must beare them,
Tha'rt my head, & therfore thou shalt weare them:

In Papam. 42.

THe Pope of all the world is supreame head,
As he him selfe and Papists testifie:
He is condemn'd as one with error led,
That dares gainesay his sole supremacie,
And sure he erres, that's not of this beleefe,
That amongst sinners, hees supreame, and cheefe.

Monkes and Friers. 43.

MOnkes and Friers, are holy Fathers nam'd,
Nor may they that doe call them so, be blam'd:
For the great number of their bastard breed,
Shewes they are wholy Fathers al indeed.

A Puritane. 44.

A Certaine fellow of the purest sect,
(Who outwardly did holines respect)
Could not endure a surplice in the Church,
But lately he was tooke in such a lurch:
That he that could not with a surplice beare,
Did now himselfe i'th church a white sheete weare

A Bible-bearer. 45.

A Brother of the Bible-bearing trade,
Me to his sect did earnestly perswade,
[Page]Saying twas good from wicked men to abstaine,
And follow rather his Sects holy vaine:
We holy men (quoth he) by th' spirite liue,
It guides our deedes, it doth vs councell giue:
Iudge 't is not true, if I be not beguilde,
Some spirit mou'd him to get's maid with child.

In Papam. 46.

THe Papists say the Pope is Peters heyre,
Hath Peters power, and sits in Peters chayre,
In part tis true, the Papists haue not lied,
For he like Peter hath his Christ denied.

Problema. 47.

WHat Papists maintaines, Protestāt doth defend,
Why then do not their controuersies end?

In Immeritum. 48.

Immeritus hath got a benifice,
Alasse poore foole, I know tis all but lies,
It is impossible, such an asse as he,
Should so much in a Patrons fauor be;
No man of wisdome I thinke is so mad,
To accept of him whilst schollers may be had.
Tush schollers are not esteemd: and he can,
Giue money fort, as well as any man.
[Page]Thats not the way for then he is forsworne,
And periury by the law cannot bee borne:
He swore that he was free from Simony,
Either directly, or indirectly.
Had I bin by, I would haue beene so bold,
To haue said that he a direct lye had told,
For whether or no you call it Simony,
In it most plainly you mony see.
With mony he swore he did not buy it,
Yet with money's worth he did come by it,
For he hath twenty trickes (who'd thinke the daw
Had so much wit) to fallify the law,
Heele giue you forty pounds for a good horse,
And that with's patron for a iade heele skorce,
Or for a iade (as he vnskillfull were)
Heele giue his patron twenty times too deare.
Or else heele giue (rather then want a shift)
Thus much still yearely for a new-yeares gift,
Or lay a hundred pounds, in ieopardy
With's patron he shall neuer parson be
Of such a place, perhaps then vnsupplied:
Both stand to th'bargaine, till the truth be tried,
But's greedy patron straight on him bestowes
The liuing, so he doth his money lose.
Thus whilst Desert sits closely at his booke,
Immeritus takes all with golden hooke,
No more ile tell, least that some learne of me,
Whilst that I carpe at such base knauery,
But such a patron, such an vnletterd asse
[Page]For fit companions, thorugh the world may passe.

In Indoctum. 49.

WHat I haue bought 's mine owne, none wil deny
Indoctus then got 's liuing lawfully;
[Though some say no] for this I can be bold
To say, that it was truely bought and sold.

Fortune fauors fooles. 50.

POets say Fortunes blind, and cannot see,
And therefore to be borne withall if she
Sometime drop gifts, on vndeseruing wight:
But sure they are deceaue'd, she hath her sight:
Else could it not at all times so fall out,
That fooles should haue, when wise men goe with­out.

Ad Fortunam. 51.

VNconstant Fortune, follies fauorite,
Worlds turning weather cocke: true mirits spite
Goddesse whome none but onely fooles adore,
Patronesse, whose aide wisemen nere implore,
Fauor those worldlings that doe feare thy lookes,
He that is wise will nere come in thy bookes.

In Crispum. 52.

AMongst those Fortune fauors some excell,
[Page]And from their fellow fooles doe beare the bell,
Whilst some climbe vp by th'spoakes of Fortunes wheele,
Crispus did sodainly her fauour feele,
For onely by foode fauoring fortunes might,
Before hee's Gentleman, hee's made a Knight.

A new art. 53.

THe fame were great of golden Alchymy,
Wert not it is the Actors beggery:
An Art found out by th'gallants of our dayes,
Wer't honest, did deserue far greater praise,
Who practise that, thereon their substance spend.
Who practise this, thereby their substance mend.
That is not strange, cause 'tis by learning wrought:
But this, by such, scarce er'e of learning thought,
For Ciuet gallants bearing Thrasoes lookes,
Can extract
thousands out of Marchants bookes,
Is it not wondrous rare, speake as you thinke,
To draw wealth out of Paper, Pen, and Inke?

Ad Lectorem. 54.

IF Seigneur Sattin chance on this to looke,
And fuming draw his poyniard, stab the booke:
If (finding's art reueald) he curse, and sweare,
What he would to th'author were he there.
Intreate him kindly, and his patience craue,
Saying thereby he shall more Schollers haue.

In Theologum quendam. 55.

VAcuum, and Infinitum are denied,
To haue a being in Philosophy,
One body cannot see it selfe deuide:
To haue at once moe places properly.
Although all this be true in generall,
Yet our Theulogus will all confute,
Not by learning, or witt Sophisticall,
But by appearance, though be quite mute:
All things consider'd if he come in view,
I know you'le yeeld the subsequents are true.
His great, great head a Vacuum doth containe,
Of wit I meane, as by his talke appeares,
His belly Infinitum, doth retaine,
For it vnmeasurable compasse beares.
His proper place his multiplicity,
Vnto his neighbours very well is knowne,
Him to haue many places who'le deny,
That hath so many liuings of his owne.
Now I pray iudge whether this man be wise,
Being subiect to that Philosophy denies.

In Quosdam. 56.

MAny haue two liuings (two places then)
The which is hated much of learned men.
And tis noe marle if schollers doe defie it.
[Page]Sith that Philosophie doth quite denie it.

In Proteum. 57.

PRoteus will now at length a surplice weare,
But yet with hood, and cap he will not beare,
Some thinke it strange why he would that disgest,
Being all indiffrent and not like the rest.
But t'was in policie, because he knew,
He should weare none had euery man his due.

In quendam. 58.

YOu doe him mighty wronge now by this light,
But Esquiere, & take the wall of him being knight
Content your selfe, I hope noe harme is done,
Though he be Knight, hees but a Yeomans sonne.

In Musicos. 59.

TIme is a iewell far exceeds all cost,
Yet stayes not long ere sodaynly tis lost,
Tis time, that brings both learning, wealth, and wit,
And euery one wants those that wanteth it.
What is there wisht for by the humane kind,
That not in time we easily may find?
How happy men were then, if time would bide,
How happy men if t'would not from them slide?
Thrise happy they then who can it command,
[Page]With nod of head, with stampe, with stroake of hand
And whilst some moaning their lost time doe weepe
Can singinge merily, it with them keepe,
So litle they, not keeping time, do feare.
That ouer it they prouly dominere.
Sometime they make it slow, now faster runne,
Now triple that, now as they first begunne,
Somtime they'le haue it breefe, now large, now long.
Or what they please and all this for a song.

In Eosdem, ad quendam. 60.

MOunseiur Crotchet me thought was very blith,
At this, and mouing's lips did shew his teeth,
Smiling to heare himselfe and 's art in rime,
To be so much admir'd for keeping time,
But Crotchet d' yee heare? though time a iewell is,
And though you seld in keeping time doe mis:
Yet such you are, that when you keepe time least,
Then it is mainfest you keepe time best.
When you keepe time (though strang) then time you loose,
Time slides, when you a time to keepe time choose,
Beside marke what vnto your fellow's fald,
How time at length hath made his cockscomble bald.

In Grillum. 61.

CArdes, Dice and Bowles, and euery idle game
Grillus doth vse and them his pastime name▪
[Page]That he liues wondrous idely that doth show,
For time will passe not idely spent, we know.

The Shepeards dog, 62.

THe Shepeards dogge should barke, and bay,
That he may feare the coming wolfe away,
He should be watchfull, and not giuen to sleepe,
And swift, quickly to turne the straying sheepe,
But if the curre being dumme can no noyse make,
Then will the wolfe away the youngling take:
If he be growne so fat he cannot go,
Then in the sheepe-fold will there be great woe,
If he be sluggish, and will doe no good?
Let him be hang'd, let other haue his foode.

In Varum. 63.

VArus they say is a ranke Papist knowne,
How ere in workes, in words it is not showne.
For if you marke his strange protesting vaine,
How deepely he protests in matters plaine,
And how he doth with pretestations mixe
His common speech, still I protest betwixt,
You'le say how ere to others he do seeme,
That you him a great Protestant do deeme.

In Leucum. 64.

LEucus loues life, yet liueth wickedly,
He hateth death, yet wisheth he may die
Honestly, and well: so what is naught he loues,
And what he would haue good he not approues.

Problema. 65.

SIth bed, and sleepe do figure death and graue,
And of them both all men such practise haue,
And seeing that practise makes each man excell,
Tell me why euery man doth not die well?

In Loquacem. 66.

BIg bombast words Loquax did disgorge,
As if he were more valiant then Saint George:
And swore that he in fight would neuer feare,
Knight, or Esquier, or what soeuer he were,
But being tried he quickly ranne away,
Whereby I found that he the truth did say,
I none will feare said he, and true he said,
For none of such a cow will be afraid.

In Extremum. 67.

EXtremus is extreamly proude of late,
And yet for wealth he may be Irus mate,
[Page]He hath as little wit as heretofore,
And in good qualities hees very poore.
What then is it that makes the foolish asse,
Without all reason thus in pride to passe?
Why he can sweare well, and hath got good cloths
And is proud of's apparrell and his othes.

In Pisonem. 68.

AGe and diseases threaten Piso's life,
And yet the aged sier will haue a wife,
One foote already 's placed in the graue,
And yet he will a female fellow haue,
Wherefore I thinke (a thing but seldome seene)
Although his head be gray, his tayle is greene.

Fast, and Pray, Feast and Play. 69.

FAsts, and Feasts exceeding diffring be,
And yet in name they allmost doe agree,
To Pray, and Play are actions different,
And yet in found but little dissident,
Adde E excesse to Fast then tis a Feast,
R. for
L. so Pray to Play is wrest.

In Glaucum. 70.

GLaucus you say doth Hebrew learne, & Greeke,
[Page]And with greate paines the skill thereof doth seeke,
But pray tell Glaucus this that he take heed
Least that his learning do his danger breed:
For Grecians π , and Hebricians ח
Haue many brought to an vntimely death.

In Pansophum. 71.

Pansophus is a scholler wondrous rare,
Beside his skill in tongues, is past compare:
For he can speake some of Italian, Dutch;
English, Spanish, French and Greeke his skil is such▪
In a word, he speakes some of nine or ten
As for example he can say Amen.

In Galbum. 72.

I Saw a letter which from Galbus came
Wherein he wrote three letters for his name;
I was told also that tis still his vse,
Therefore (me thinkes) the more his owne abuse:
For euery one that haps the same to see,
Will thinke him a
Homo trium liter [...].
three letter'd man to be.

Tobacco. 73.

T. TImes great consumer, cause of idlenesse
O. Old ale-house haunter, friend of dronkenese
B. Bewitching weede, vainest wealthes consumer
[Page]A. Abuse of wit, stinking breaths perfumer,
C. Cause of entralles blacknesse, bodies drier,
C. Cause of natures slacknesse, quenching her fire,
O. Offence to many, bringing good to none,
E. Euer be thou hated till thou be quite gone.

In Gracchum. 74.

GRacchus his house hath chimnies round about,
Yet there's no smoake at all that doth come out
Which made me wonder oft what cause might be,
Why from so many I no smoake could see,
But now I heare, that he to fauor those,
Makes all the smoake in's house go through his nose.

In Crispam. 75.

CRispa brags of the sweetnes of her breath,
And that it like a Panthers is she saith,
Indeed when I her countenance beholde,
I am perswaded she the truth hath told,
For likely tis that nature to doe her grace,
Gaue her a Panthers breath to her Panthers face.

In Floram. 76.

THough Flora sweares shes faire, beleeue her not,
For beauty neuer yet fell to her lot,
Or if it did; then sure in her twas sinne,
[Page]To couer beauty with so foule a skinne.

In Cretam. 77.

CReta doth loue her husband wondrous well,
It needs no proofe, for euery one can tell,
So strong's her loue that if I not mistake,
It doth extend to others for his sake.

Pope Ioane, 78.

THe Pope is God the Papists dare not say,
Yet that hees merely man they doe denay,
But all of them in this thing doe agree.
Him something nether God, nor man to bee,
Their reasons for it are but small, or none,
Vnlesse they seeke to proue it by Pope Ioane,
And so indeed they may bring it to passe,
For she (nor God, nor man) a woman was.

In Eandem, 79.

A Pope may be deceaued I see it now,
Their Synodes to may erre Ile shew you how,
If that Pope Ioane for certayne had foreseene,
The time when her deliuerance should haue beene,
She would haue shun'd a thinge so far vnmeet,
And not haue falne in trauell in the street,
Could not their Synodes erre from the truths scope
[Page]They neuer would haue made a woman Pope.

In Pontum. 80.

TIs true that whence a thing at first is bred,
With that tis euer after nourished,
As Pontus being made Gentleman by wealth,
By wealth keepes his Gentility in health.
For if you take away his fortunes good,
He hath not then one drop of gentle blood.

In Clytum, 81.

CLytus to get himselfe the greater fame,
Braggeth of what an auncient house he came,
Of what good blood: that you may him beleeue
The better I this testimony giue:
Clytus his blood is surely good indeed,
Cause he will cry strayght if (being hurt) he bleed:
The house so auncient was where he was bred,
That it was like to falle on's fathers head.

In Mopsum, 82.

MAnnerly Mopsus fearing to offend,
Doth with Sirreuerence his speeches mend,
Sir-reuerence if he speake of's shooes, or hose,
Sir-reuerence if he say he blowd his nose,
Sir-reuerence if he name his cart, or plough.
[Page]Sirreuerence if he tell of Pig, or Cow.
In briefe almost what ere he meanes to speake,
Before it sir-reuerence the way doth breake.
Such maners sir-reuerēce, Mopsus learnd at schole,
That now sir-reuerence Mopsus is a foole.

In Caluum. 83.

CAlvus leaue of your oft vncouerie,
That you were bald at first time I did see,
Keepe on good Calvus, pray be couered,
I had rather see your hat then your bald head.

In Sophistam. 84.

SOphista sayes he can proue, ay marry can,
A stocke, a stone, or tree to be a man;
Black to be white, water to be fire,
Earth to be ayre; or what you will desire:
Yea all things you do thinke impossible,
He easily can proue them possible.
Then pray let's heare (with all his fallacies)
If he can proue himselfe or rich, or wise.

In Maritum. 85.

MAritus hath skill in Philosophie
They say, but I imagine him to be
Philosophie it selfe; my reason's this,
Cause Corpus mobile his subiect is.

In Graium. 86.

GRaius, now sayth that his wife, and he
After long strife, like quiet sheepe agree:
A fit comparison: I thinke the same,
For why? his hornes shew he is like a Ramme.

In Pretum. 87.

THE old disease will Pretus sure betide,
I see that he the horne-plague must abide,
For but a while he hath beene maried,
And he already hath a veluet head.

In Biscum. 88.

I Pray you sir giue Biscus leaue to speake,
The Gander loues to heare himselfe to creake.

In Claium. 89.

CLaius while's father liue'd to schoole was set
The knowledge of arithmeticke to get,
Which he obtain'd: his father being dead
He since hath it in order practised.
And first he Numeration began,
Which all the parcells of his wealth did scan,
Next by Addition in summe he made,
[Page]The worth of all he in possession had,
But before he these two had practisd well.
He foolishly vnto Subtraction fell,
That he found easier then the other two,
And parted from't with very much adoe,
But yet at length from it he got him gone,
And past vnto Multiplication,
By it he should haue multiplied his store,
From which he had subtracted late before,
But vnto him so difficult it was,
That he by no meanes could bring it to passe,
Wherefore he to Diuision went,
In practise whereof so much time he spent,
That he assayd Reduction in vaine,
Being hard to ioyne deuided wealth againe,
And foolish t'was to try Progression,
Hauing no matter left to worke vpon,
Vnlesse he'd proue Arithmetician right,
And name some-thing when nothing is in sight.

In Eundem. 90.

CLaius doth knowe all Arithmeticke well,
But in Extracting rootes he doth excell,
For in his fathers late, well wooded ground,
Scarce any rootes of trees can now be found,

Aenigma. 91.

THere is a certaine flower the earth doth beare,
Which vpon it the Princes name doth weare,
It hath no pleasant sound, no tast, no smell,
Yet pleaseth ears, and tong, and nose full well,
No curious subiect for the touch, or sight,
And yet both hand, and eye it doth delight.
It's operation is exceeding strange,
In men, and humane things it causeth change,
It makes some maisters, and it makes some slaues,
(According as each man himselfe behaues)
Sometime it causeth peace, and somtime warre,
It maketh some men loue, and some men iarre,
In breife, tis cause of many contraries,
Now what this flower is, doe thou deuise.

In Priscum. 92.

WHy doth Priscus still striue to haue the wall?
Because hees, often dronke and feares to fall.

Ad Cinnam. 93

WHy how now Cinna downe vpon thy knees?
This scarce with thy profession agrees,
Thou seldome doest bow downe thy knees to pray,
What is it now that makes thee thus obay?
[Page]I am about to drinke whole boules of bere,
Vnto mine owne sweete mistris health I sweare,
Vpon thy knees? what dost thou surely thinke
Thy legs wil hardly beare vp so much drinke.
And is thy mistris sweete, a peece so drie,
That her good health doth in much liquor lie.

In Cacum ad Lectorem. 94.

CAcus will dice, and drab, and steale, and lie,
Be dronke, and curse, and sweare most horribly
And yet hee'd haue me I should him commend
Vnto his father, brother, vncle, friend;
I do confesse it is a common thing
Commendations from friend, to friend to bring
But (Reader) first I pray thee let me learne
If thou thinkst he doth commendations earne?

Ad Musicos discordantes. 95.

NAy fie, Musitians and at discord fall,
The wrong to your profession is not small:
You say that discord's sound most harsh to' th' eare,
Then why do you now with a discord beare?
You do professe a skill in Musickes ground,
Yet do you Musicke wrong by discord's sound?
When you do sing, and play you do agree,
And when you say, and do will it not be?
This makes me thinke sith play, & song's but sport
[Page]That you do but agree in iesting sort.

In quendam, ad Lect. 96.

I Pray gentlemen pacifie the man,
And mitigate his choller if you can,
I feare he will do harme to some one by,
If that his choller do abide so hie.

Aenigma In Dondellum ad Gal: Ling. stud. 97.

DRowsie Dondellus hath no voice to sing
No skill to set proue, pricke, or any thing
That may be sayd to singing doth belong,
And yet great practise he hath had in song,
And thereby he hath profited full well,
But how this same may be, let's heare you tell.

A sensible man, ad Logicos. 98.

CIuis commends the cheifest of their towne
Saying he to excel the rest in wisedome's known
Nay more (sayes he) I easily proue it can
That he is a very sensible man:
Yea each that would his friend for wisdome praise,
That he is a sensible man he saies:
But is it true? is nature now growne poore?
Are axiomes false? is man worse then before?
And do you thinke that it is possible,
That being men they be but sensible?
[Page]If it be true, what asses are the rest?
When as the wisest is but like a beast.

In Mathum ad Academicos. 99.

LOoke not that Mathus will come for's degree,
For I am sure he ne're will maister be,
Not that he wanteth will, but as they say
His wife doth priuately his grace denay.
Vnhappy chance, and least it may be so
To you▪ Be maisters 'fore you thence do go.

Ad librum. 100.

IF that Seuerus my Epigrams do see,
And frowning say that they be idle rimes,
I prethee tell Seuerus this from me,
It's true, for they were made at idle times.
‘Claudite iam risos Musae, sat turba biberunt.’

This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal. The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission.